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#how do i explain to her that no

Backseat stress of my well meaning relative trying and struggling to teach her mixed kids about racism and me being like, not in a place to say “hey heres resources/hey heres how I’d go about this” 😣

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But then I think it’s the way queerness sort of suffuses all your secret places, like the imagination and also memory. Supernatural is still happening, somehow, and whenever I’m reminded of it I turn into this horny/dysphoric/heartbroken mess, because “wow, remember when we were 14” is apparently pleasurable for some people, a thing they can make jokes about myspace and Mr Brightside or whatever, whereas it feels like being dragged back into a nightmare, and being unable to leave.

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ngl if you say shit like “dont go all teenager-y on me” i kinda hate u. theres a reason they act like that and its probably not listening to them or making them feel like theyre not welcome to come to you and then making them feel like shit when they bottle stuff up or something. or just not trusting adults in general cause they did shit like this to them. like.

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I need to rant.

#i work with a girl who just recently started like two months ago, #and from the start she rubbed everyone the wrong way, #she doesn’t help anyone on our team or help any customers, #always just throws the responsibility to one of our other team members, #and will step on people’s toes in order to seal approval from our boss, #and needs our boss to constantly tell her how good she’s doing, #and when she asks for help and someone tries to explain it to her - she gets so upset and says shit like ‘i got it thanks’ in that rude way, #ya know, #so we all just got annoyed with her really quick, #and then she decided to travel 6 hours for thanksgiving, #and celebrate with a HUGE group of people and all her extended family and tons of friends, #and she keeps talking about how crazy it was and hectic but nice to be with her family, #and I really am about to lose it on her, #because every single person at our job has canceled their holidays, #and isn’t able to see their families for so long, #all my holidays got canceled and i haven’t seen my family since march, #because there’s a fucking pandemic happening and it’s unsafe to travel and be in large groups, #and then she lied about the day she got her test/results, #and i just hate her so much like you are putting everyone at work at risk because you just had to travel for thanksgiving, #i can’t stand ignorant people or someone who blatantly doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves, #like I would’ve fucking LOVED to see my family, #I wouldn’t LOVED to it sit alone on thanksgiving and cry, #she was just so selfish and now is putting the rest of us at risk, #and i SWEAR TO GOD if she prevents me from going to see my parents Christmas day, #i will fucking lose it, #i’m sorry for this rant, #i just really needed to vent and get it off my chest
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i don’t know anything about supernatural, am amazed it is (was??) still going and only just found out what the Thing was that happened (which like, what? that’s it? THAT’S what everyone’s freaking out over??)

but shoutout to the girl i knew in 2005 who was the first person i ever met with a cooling laptop stand so her giant computer wouldn’t burn a hole in her bedspread while she marathoned SPN and read/wrote erotic SPN fan fiction every waking moment. one time she linked me to a victorian-era-set crossdressing fic where one of the supernaturals is the other’s butler for some reason? and the author actually managed to include the use of lube, which astounded me at the time

i’ll never be in the fandom for this show or understand what the fuck it’s about or why people like it but i will acknowledge that it has the power to make fanfic writers try slightly harder

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sometimes i remember that camille was level one at the start of crop and i go insane

#she’s SO much more powerful than she ever should have had to become, #just thinking about. have barely enough spells to keep kala alive in the first battle, #having to stay out of melee in the fight with salic because she was still markedly weaker than the others, #when now she throws herself into the middle of a fight whenever she has the chance, #(i also think a lot about how. cami doesn’t Know clerics, #so the first time she ever saw spiritual weapon on spirit guardians get used was in the salic fight, #i can’t Explain my thoughts about that but they’re there!!, #bc she doesn’t Like the archstamen on principal and ofc she hates salic but like. that’s what she’s Seen of attack clerics, #it’s just!!! just. starting at level one was Such a choice and i’m very glad for but bc the implications are just. So Much., #being a level one cleric for a Lot of your life and not even really thinking there was more to it but suddenly things keep getting worse, #and you’re getting more powerful but it’s only in response to terrible circumstances and it never feels like Enough, #bc even now. being lvl5 in the world as it is now scales So Different than being lvl1 among commoners and other lvl1 people., #i think leveling up so fast is part of why she’s reckless bc it’s like. not fully knowing and understanding her own power and limitations, #bc sparrow for instance Knew what she could do she Knew her spells and her strength so well, #cami? most times she casts a spell it’s the first time she’s ever done it and she’s stronger than she ever thought people could Be, #so of Course she throws everything into battle and isnt smart about it because she’s still Learning how all this even WORKS, #but at the same time!! it’s why she’s So Anxious about using things up Wrong, #because two months ago she had two (2) slots and those were the only thing between kala and death, #because when she was level three she used all her spells and then sparrow Died because she didn’t manage them better., #but at rhest!! at rhest she managed them Well and ended the combat with two extra spell slots. she’s Learning but also., #she still knows So Little, #crop, #dnd hours
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I love when my mom fills out some random medical thing for me and she’s like the question is sexuality and I’m like idc and she’s like what do I put and I said idc

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My debate teacher pulled me aside to tell me she was very pleased with my performance this year, and that I have a natural talent for “rebuttal”… basically I argue till everyone admits I’m right.

She asked me if I’d taken debate before or had any outside practice. Let’s see, my brother is a racist shit, mom’s “narrow minded” to say the least and my dad is pro-trump… so yeah, I’d say I get practice!

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anyways shards ended so like. what now

#is life without shrads worth living, #anywas so well um uh. what is the purpose of my existence if not to wait for shards updates, #ummmm where do we go from here, #okay but lets just say this....... the ending was okay.. the dramatique revival scene was ok, #but tbh everything that happened after the fight with reva was...... hmm, #it was like. 40% less exciting and satisfying than everything that happened before?, #it felt like reading an old book that you find in the library and it hasnt been borrowed in ages and you take it, #and you like it but as ure coming close to the end i starts so slow down and get. lets say worse, #worse compared to all the cool  twists and stuff from before, #ive read books like that. they end nicely the ending is ok but. the process leading to the ending makes you go :/, #no bad stuff it just. i dunno how to explain it just makes you wish smth more happened or that more things happened, #op did a good job though despite all that i think. and its free on the goddamn internet i know they dont owe anyone anything, #plus i loved the 'cass father is a piece of magical rock' twist, #not so much the 'oo u unlocked ur cool moon power i knew there was more in you' bc i dont like that the magic was the More In Her, #overall the story was amazing. spoilers but raps DIED! and was brought back by cass' healing tears lmfao, #we love to see. and then they kissed for 40 minutes. so that was super cool. i wish we got to see more of it all, #bc we had that huge reveal of raps realizing she loves cass and i loved it and then cass sobbed on raps' corpse that was awesome, #the father reveal scene was cool also. and how cass couldnt activate the moonstones power and raps fuckin died all dramatically, #it was rly good, #but yea i kinda wish there were more scenes with yearning...... i love the gays. and maybe raps pining even more >:) we love to see, #but yes it was really good. really good i still am a big fan. it ended too quickly but op did such a good job overall, #if i could draw like super super well id draw the heck out of the scenes in this fic. there are sm good momentsss, #i just realized cass ended up never explaining her tattoo to raps.. and also whats with her newly injured burned hand? op hello, #anyways. shards good, #my post
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