#how i wish he hadnt suffered with this

[semercury]

I hope the me in the good timeline is having a good day.

#stuff sarah says #sometimes i wonder if i did actually die in 2013 #and my punishment is to believe i hadnt while living out my miserable life as everything around me grows increasingly more unbearable #and yes i know im probably just being dramatic #im suffering from female hysteria and i cannot receive a prescription for a month by the sea #and even if i did. id probably feel too guilty to take it and relax #but gosh everything feels so wrong and awful #i keep having visions of years down the road where i get an angry phone call from my brother #bc i didnt tell him about our parent(s)'s funeral. and my reply is just that i didnt think he would care #which i know is awful and petty of hypothetical me to do. but idk what else i would do? #and i just hate how everything has turned out. i wish life had a reset button #ive fucked everything up so much and i hate muself for it every day #so yeah. i just hope parallel universe me in the good timeline is having a good day

[darklordofthesimp]

Okok i know for the most part we are all rahhh konig we will guilt trip you for the rest of your life and completely understandably so

But to my understanding he seems like a sensitive being, at the very least much more than his average male teammates/counterparts. I can only imagine how bad he feels, what if there’s a moment where after weeks of training and being at odds with Birdy because of her logical hostility, he just sit down and just cries it out. Like takes off his hood and sobs into it and clenches it with all of his frustration and anger and remorse. Maybe even hits his own head with his fist once or twice as if to tell himself that that doesn’t even begin to scale what Birdy had to go through/how she felt. It’s still important to note that he only acted upon the initial order and that he didn’t do it as if he was out to get her. The concept of him beating himself to hell for it still gets me.

Staring down at his hands with horror, maybe still seeing red painting every inch and cuticle as if it had just happened all over again. And what if Birdy walked past his room and heard him crying :(( I would like to see if people would think she’d react like “wtf are you crying about get up bruh” or would actually take a moment to realize that he does genuinely feel bad and is at a crossroads, simply not knowing what more to do. Sorry this was so long 😭😭many thots about this story but I love your work so much!!!! Been a fan forever love our big masked men hehe keep up the great work :))

(If you're looking for acid trip 141 and Ghost hiding in the walls it's the ask below this one ❤)

100% Anon.

Imagine, though, feeling like you don't DESERVE to cry. You don't deserve to be upset, you don't deserve to break down about it, you don't deserve to hate yourself on this level because you weren't the one who got hurt. König is fucking suffering.

He's never committed friendly fire but he wished to whoever was listening that it had just been a bullet wound. He wishes he'd just shot you from across the rooftop, wounding you rather than mutilating you.

But he'd been so full of fire, full of rage. He'd thought that you were lining up his team in your crosshairs.

He hadn't realised how small you were, he hadnt seen the 141 patches. He'd only seen an enemy target as he was told.

Every night he had nightmares. He'd be training you in the gym, gripping your wrists to demonstrate how to break a hold, when it would shift. The vision would shimmer as though changing and in the next moment his hands are wrapped around your neck as you lay bloody and battered beneath his body.

He woke up screaming every night.

Just before you would wake up.

It's how he would always be awake for your night terrors, he'd been kept up by his own.

After a particular rough session, resulting in you sobbing against him and begging him to leave you alone, König lumbers back to his room. Your nose had begun to bleed spontaneously, although he hadn't laid a hand on your face. When he'd gone to swipe it before it had landed on your mouth, the second you caught sight of it on his fingers it was all over.

Your tears, the fear in your gaze, your shaky hands, he fucking hated it. He hated himself but he didn't deserve to be upset and he didn't deserve to be emotionally fucked.

So when he curled onto himself on the rooftop, knees tight against his chest and his cheeks wet, he wept with the knowledge that he was undeserving.

He hadn't known you were watching him from the doorway. He was too emotional. And for a moment there, a dark hideous thought curled against your mind, telling you that you could have your revenge right there.

He wouldn't blame you for it. Nobody would.

But something about watching this man cry over your blood on his finger thawed something enough in your heart to spare him.

He would live today.

Just today.

#the dark lord speaks

[cannoliparty]

karkat, the signless & the blood aspect

it seems strange but i feel like the dancestors arent covered enough for how influential they are to not just the lore, but the beta trolls themselves. im specifically going to be talking about karkat & the signless' relationship and how they both harness the blood aspect. also im gonna have to go on about karkats classpect for like the 4th time now so BEAR WITH ME T_T im gonna take some snippets from past blog posts...

SUPER quick rundown of blood as an aspect: meaning the bonds between others and sometimes blood itself!

the signless is a notorious mutantblood (not even born with a sign or a name with his identity) that greatly influences alternian history. as a seer of blood, hes able to SEE the knowledge of blood itself, and act upon this knowledge however he wishes. basically, the singless was able to get insight on both the state of alternia's societal bloodcaste (treating the lower castes terribly) and it's physical one (literally being divided by blood colors)! he was granted knowledge on alternia's blood, aswell as the future possibilities involving it. 

through these visions he spread the word of compassion, forgiveness, and equality among all troll blood colors. among his own bonds/blood (the disciple, dolorosa, etc.) he led a group hoping for a better society. but the seer is a passive class, making the signless only spread these ideas instead of acting/fighting for them, leading to his inevitable execution. in the signless' endless suffering (also why hes called the sufferer) his compassion and extensive knowledge on blood was blinded by an intense, burning rage. he had been angry for so long that eventually when he did break, he managed to scream out a curse word that even through his anger supposedly carried the true meaning of his teachings, meaning that even through all this endless torture the signless still hadnt forgotten his insight.

establishing karkat!! hes a knight of blood, actively weaponizing blood and serving blood, using it to defend his allies. this is most evident when he uses his knowledge on the bonds of his friends (aka a "bond of blood") to defend them and lead them though the sgrub session (also playing on the trope of knights "saving the day"). however, knights subconsciously feel they have to suppress parts of themselves to perfectly serve their aspect. how does karkat go through this? through real blood, the trolls blood caste itself! 

karkat is a mutant, an error in a system. alternian society enforces these facts on him constantly through the barraging threats of annihilation. so, in order to further serve the blood/bonds between him and his friends, he hides his blood color! but overall, even through his seemingly crushing self-doubts hes one of the strongest-willed leaders in homestuck.

karkat believes that the only characteristic he inherited from his ancestor was his limitless anger. and sure, he can be incredibly angry, but it makes sense when you believe this anger isnt truly his. it feels genuine, sure, but his dialogue makes it seem like he really has no need for it, and probably could do without it. none of his interests involve being angry, rom-coms and coding are both pretty tame (even if hes coding viruses, theyre still terrible i guess..) everyone agrees hes terrible at being angry! from making bad, unnecessary memos and annoying insults, his anger still feels forced sometimes, or like he has to deal with this burden of always being crabby.

overall, the anger karkat has is very much inherited from the signless' final moments, but still underneath all that anger is karkats devotion to his friends and uniting people as a leader with his burning connection to the blood aspect, just like the true, intense meaning of the signless' blood-related teachings that he yelled out in his last breath.

this was soo fun to write, i hope it makes sense!!! the signless is such an interesting character omg, even if im writing karkat for the billionth time he just bounces off different characters so well so it just feels natural including him in these (no wonder hes so popular omg T_T) lmk what u think, byee!!! *\(^0^)/*

#homestuck #classpect #classpecting #karkat vantas #the signless

[dreamliners]

fargo spoilers under the cut!

gosh im gonna miss this season!

i wish dot had gone for the head shot but at the same time there's a sweet reassurance that roy will suffer for the rest of his life while he's in jail. when lorraine mentioned vaseline a part of me went there and why not? the man did worse to his wives. i hope he's practically maimed in their.

while i do wish we would have seen more of what happened to gator, he wasnt at the center of the story but im contempt with knowing he's alive. i'd like to imagine he'd be eligible for parole after some years and maybe able to gain some sight back through surgeries that im sure dot would pay for. both her and him were victims of roy's cruelty and if gator is really capable of it he could turn a new page while in prison.

deputy whitt like danish graves deserved better, both men meant well and it sucks that their stories ended like that but especially whitt. im glad that he wasnt forgotten though.

my girls though! indira and lorraine! complete bosses! the fact that lorraine is making sure roy suffers every waking day of his life made me so happy. because i do feel that for dot it is enough knowing he's in prison but for lorraine she isnt letting go and that warms my heart. i feel like it also comes from a place of revenge for what he did to both graves and whitt.

lastly, ol munch, it was interesting seeing how him and dot danced their away around the supposed "debt" she still owed. i kept thinking that she was showing him something he hadnt ever known, which is warmth. dot is kindness and forgiveness (and love too) something which he hasnt ever experienced or doesnt remember. while i dont feel like they should have ended on his story, i suppose it isnt a bad way to end the story.

this show was amazing! literally came for joe keery and stuck around for everyone else by the end. juno temple is a powerhouse! its insane how she went from ted lasso to fargo its just amazing! the cast really did their thing and just drew me in from the jump. idk what im gonna do now that season is over.

#fargo #fargo season 5 #5x10 #gator tillman #dot lyon #fargo fx

[uriekukistan]

Kaneki for the character ask? 👉👈

My first impression: the reason i got into tg as much as i did. before i watched i hadnt watched a whole series since i watched death note bc i couldn't find a main character that was as interesting to me as light...and then i found KANEKI

My impression now: i still love him, especially once i read the manga. similar to how i was w death note, i haven't been able to get through another series since tg bc i can't find another mc that interests me as much as kaneki or light. he's so cool and fucked up what a silly guy

Favorite thing about that character: i love when they're insane (pt 400049589208520). i also feel like aggravatingly similar to him sometimes so that's always fun. analyzing him is like analyzing myself

Least favorite thing: analyzing him is like analyzing myself. also anime kaneki is...not as badass as manga kaneki lets leave it at that...

Favorite line/scene: where do i even start...ig this is more of a haise moment but it's also a kaneki moment lowkey at the beginning of re when he's going against nishio and haise is like losing his shit and brain kaneki is whispering in his ear yeah that was so cool and sent chills down me idk. also when he broke half of ayato's bones what a sick lil dude i love it

Favorite interaction that character has with another: back to the beginning of re when haise kinda switches into the kaneki personality when he's going against nishio and he says "i don't think you want to know me" and does the finger crack ooooh lemme tell you i was kicking my feet in bed at 4am watching that bc first i was like ohh its kaneki (as we know the anime doesn't explain shit) and then i was like if i was nishio i would run away bc that was so scary ooooh i love it

A character that I wish that character would interact with more: i think we needed more kaneki and hide interactions like i know we got a decent amount but like. there should have been more.

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character: im so bad at this ummm mello from death note bc the world beats them down and tells them theyre not good enough throughout their childhoods, so they grow up with this idea that they're always inferior and it eventually turns into rage but also a deep incurable loneliness. and if you go with the theory that kaneki actually died and was not saved by ayato at the end of the series (which i enjoy bc i love pain and suffering), then they both die alone unable to protect those they care for or fulfill what they think they're life's purpose is okay im gonna go cry now

A headcanon about that character: he definitely wrote fanfiction in middle school are we kidding

A song that reminds of that character: class of 2013 by mitski

An unpopular opinion about that character: did he really deserve a happy ending? he did a lot of bad things, mass murder, cannibalism, destroyed lives and families...but maybe i just love pain and suffering...i do want to see him happy too but i just.

Favorite picture:

this was so hard because ishida's art is beautiful, but this had to be it. this kinda encompasses everything i love about ishida's art - the portrayal of emotion, the use of ink heavy pages to show tension and conflict, the despair, like its just so good

#tokyo ghoul #tokyo ghoul :re #tgre #kaneki ken #sasaki haise

[ot3]

so i see you tweet sometimes about gw2 and im just curious about your thoughts on it like, plot wise.

i think the story of early guild wars is pretty par for the course mmo storytelling where im paying mostly superficial attention to the plot and mainly enjoying how fun the game is. but around the time you get to heart of thorns they start introducing enough interesting concepts that you decide its worth paying slightly more attention to.

there was a huge problem in the way guild wars 2's narrative flowed because of the way they handled the living world stuff. i love the living world in concept when it was unreplayable because its just neat to me to be able to take such large story beats in an mmo. where you literally nuke your entire main city and change its appearance. but i appreciate the fact they decided to retroactively let you play that stuff in the end! however making it, in the case of living world season 2, optional to buy, but then not also doing lws1 in the same way? it just meant that you got the story non completely and non sequentially. if you just go straight to core from HoT you have to do soooo much Inferring Shit About This Plot from it. It's like your character blacked out and lost several years of their life. 'hello? commander? its us. the guys who are totally already your best friends'

anyway once i got through HoT then i found myself going back to lws2 specifically to unlock the luminescent armor and the respective ascended trinkets since back pre-lws3 the only stat selectable ascended trinkets were from raids, i believe. and then once again it was really interesting to get the map meta-events recontexualized to me from going through the story. and then after that i was invested enough in these characters to go watch the howeverlong supercut lws1 movie someone had on youtube for anyone who hadnt been there to play through it.

all this to say i think there was a lot of interesting story stuff here that would have helped hook more people earlier on if it had been freely available to play in its intended order. anyway

hot: i feel like it benefitted a TON from playing through this on a sylvari pc the first time because the custom dialogue they give that taints it like all of the npcs are suspicious you are going to fucking turn evil. like the sort of 'youre the coolest strongest character in the world!' stuff never really does it for me. i'm way more into 'youre a very powerful person in an extremely fraught and complex political situation' and HoT really felt a lot more like that, with i think it doing a good job of setting the mood for being In An Active Warzone. i like dragons stand meta a lot in terms of things where gameplay really makes the story hit in a certain way. the challenging, large-scale metas make a better multiplayer use of a high fantasy war shining than a lot of them do. getting events that genuinely do take several dozen real human beings coordinating in real time to accomplish makes there be a sense of difficulty and scale that would be rather punishing and frustrating as instanced single player combat.

i know i kind of talked more a bout the combat than the story. oops. but to me the sort of positive feedback loop between getting more invested in playing the actual game and then getting more invested in learning about the characters to continue to future expansions.

I wish I could speak more about lws3 and PoF but i will be real with you right now. those years of my life are kind of a blur and i do not remember a lot of the story beats right now. lws4 felt pretty weak to me in a lot of ways, pretty disparate from itself. PoF though i had a hell of a fun time with. joko was a fun villain he was serving necromantic cunt.

lws4 was ok. definitely more cohesive overall and had some cool stuff. lws5 i think on the other hand really suffered from a bit of covid slump in its content which i will absolutely not blame them for. I would much rather they put out slightly subpar content during a massive health crisis than they overwork people.

CANTHA, ON THE OTHER HAND. WAS EXCELLENT. DEFINITELY THEIR BEST STORY WRITING YET. i had a blast of a time with it and i was specifically fond of what they did with mai trin, a character i was well acquainted with via getting my ass kicked in her fractal back when she was scale 100. they gave her some INSANE dyke drama. it was catnip to me. she fucked that asura they had toxic yuri i knowww they did. kelly hu did her voice for EoD, who i immediately clocked as stacy from phineas and ferb and was as such predisposed to be endeared to her. also who doesnt love an ex supervillain pirate captain. mai trin you will always be famous.

anyway. that is my extnesive opinion on the plot of guild wars 2. great game everyone play it i have over 3000 hours in guild wars 2.

[claudiathegremlin]

okay, i need to spit this out to someone

and i refuse to make a youtube video for it so im just gonna write a whole essay to my small amount of tumblr followers on prince arctic and also im waiting for my friend to wake up so i need to do something RIGHT NOW so uh

lets start with the reasons that could've played a part in how he acted

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲𝘀

so, arctic's family wasnt that great, we've all gathered that. his mother was just horrid honestly, and we have no idea how his father was (or if he even had one). diamond could've been better, and im sure the way she treated him and the things she expected of him were a definite cause, albeit not a full one. another cause was definitely his animus magic, but also cant really be the main cause, even though it was probably a major one. (heres a brief note on animus magic, atleast, my theory on it that is- animus magic isnt the full cause of dragons going insane, its how they view it, use it,how often they use it, and other things going on in their life. lets say we have an animus dragon, a funky little sandwing that for the purposes of this sidenote, will be called funkmaster. funkmaster isnt too concerned about their soul, has been through alot, and uses his magic to cause suffering to small animals quite frequently. funkmaster has gone insane because he uses his magic poorly, isnt concerned about his soul, and uses his magic to be a bastard. funkmaster is the negative result of animus magic. whereas, lets say we have a cute little adorable seawing named tappytoes. tappytoes cares about his soul, has still been through some stuff, but has a positive outlook still, and uses his magic only when he needs to, and only for good things. tappytoes is not a maniac. sidenote over) i do genuinely believe that yes, he did at one point love his family (even darkstalker, albeit not as long as the others), and he did genuinely wish he was a better father, but he had been too far gone for that to have lasted long.

𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙥𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙩

now, while it is sort of difficult to figure out where everything started to go down hill, i do believe it was shortly after darkstalker and whiteout were hatched. he knew darkstalker had inheritted his animus magic, and assuming he knew that nightwings have powers from being born under the full moons, he also knew of the power he possessed. now, this wasnt the breaking point entirely. arctic now had the pressure of being a father, (which, yk, who knows if he even got to know his) and had probably used his animus magic a few times after foeslayer got him out of the ice kingdom. i have no concrete idea on what these times could've been, but possibly some things for foeslayer. even if they werent horrid things, and he cared about his soul, other factors also played into the animus causes of the insanity. by this time it was already too late, and he just snapped. he fully had lost himself from that point forward, and there was no going back anymore. the only point where i really think there was maybe a chance he hadnt completely gone over the fence was when he was bringing whiteout to the ice kingdom to get accepted back into their society and to get foeslayer back (i think?? its been a while since my last reread, i had to stop myself from rereading it because it just made me sad), which mayyy have been him just wanting to go back to how everything was before he had a family but could have also just been him wanting foeslayer back because he did actually still love her. anywho these are just my thoughts, there are probably a bunch of inaccuracies, im tired, and i dont feel like rereading the entire book just to make a tumblr post, have fun and dont die

#hashtag i am tired #send help #wings of fire #please dont kill me for anything that doesent make sense or is innacurate im tired #wof #wings of fire arctic #wings of fire prince arctic #prince arctic #prince arctic wof #arctic wof

[dykesagainstgojo]

i have! so much! i wanna! talk about!

i know i got to stop wasting my free time thinking and go back to listening. however, before i do that theres only one thought i really need to put somewhere so lets go i'll make it quick

i just wanna talk about the confession arthur made about the cannibalism that happened in the dreamlands

im not going to talk about the faustian bargain, im not going to talk about how great was the choice of cannibalism since the act of eating meat is well known when it comes to representing earthly desires, and im not going to talk about how they made the value of this exchange very clear with not only john's suffering but also how arthur looks back at it. yeah, i wanna talk about it, its beautifully written! but i wont because i said this would be quick

my favorite part, the chosen one to stop me from talking about the faustian bargain, is the wonderful "twist" that was made to this relatively common narrative moment, and what it says about john and arthur!!!

it was not that difficult to guess arthur had to resort to killing someone, not only because of the nature of that prison but also because they were calling that piece of bone they had by a very specific human name (otherwise that would be so funny lmao) but i hadnt really given a thought about what that meant to john with his ability to see peoples death, so that surprised me

its obvious that his ability is directly connected with humaneness, theres no way to make it clearer than the fact that john started to have it after arthur's coma (or that it literally makes an immortal being experience death). but arthur being the responsible one for that death just adds so much to it

and once again i could go on and on about how thats (to me) similar to a bunch of other events in the story where arthurs perspective of humans doesnt match his own actions, and how the consequences of some of his choices help john to experience humanity, but i wont, because i said it would be quick

arthur lied to john because he wanted to be extra cruel while killing that man, and then john was the one who was forced to empathize with him, reliving that death thousands of times. and the unnecessary cruelness arthur chose had its weight

in my opinion, as we can see with larson too, arthurs regret about his daughter is currently being coped through lashing out at anyone who commits any sin that comes any close to resembling his mistake. arthur judges john for killing in a non-reactive way, saying those are the acts of a monster, but hes starting to find ok to do something that fits the same classification, as long as he sees this specific fault in the person

and its funny because they had their most recent fight precisely because john also killed someone (two people actually) in a non-reactive way and arthur reminded him of it

i think theres a lot of potential around this. i hope that now that john is back this also turns around and john receives an opportunity to question arthurs choice about faust (and the wish to kill larson too i guess). knowing john itll probably be quite different from the way arthur did it, he'll probably be trying to help arthur to think straight about what hes doing, but that just makes it more interesting tbh

#malevolent podcast #[releases messed up not rereaded text saying whats likely to be bs into the malevolent tag] thats enough analysis for today me thinks #malevolent part 23 #im assuming so much things lol i may be wrong about everything now that i think about what i wrote #but its fun to do it nonetheless

[kelp-my-beloved]

fWhip woke up to the feeling of a hammer pounding his brain from the inside. Way too much light came into the room, in his opinion, and he rolled in bed to the opposite side in an effort to keep sleeping. It didn’t help much, considering the amount of windows some idiot decided to put in his room. The Count grabbed his pillow and used it to cover his head, groaning in annoyance.

“fWhip? Are you awake?” Someone asked from the other side of the room.

No, he was not. He tried to tell them that, but whatever came out of his mouth weren’t words.

Suddenly, the blankets were yanked from him, cold, cruel air hitting his still warm body and killing whatever hopes he had of returning to sleep. fWhip opened his eyes, looking for whoever dared to steal from the Count of the Grimmlands and ready to sent them to jail.

“You already slept in,” Sausage told him, unimpressed. “And people are probably starting to talk, specially after yesterday”

Yesterday. Right. The no good, very bad day he had that apparently not even all the alcohol he had consumed had helped him forget. He could still recall her face when he told her to stay away from him, which meant that the horrible headache he was suffering through right now was for nothing.

At least the memory didn’t sting anymore.

It just… hurt.

Sausage was still looking at him from the side of his bed as he recalled what happened. He seemed annoyed, though not mad, which checked out. He had never been the most open to him about Gem (scratch that, he hadnt said a word about the situation to anybody), and he did probably ruin his chances to make up with her. Not to mention how he had risked Mythland’s possible allyship with Gemini’s almost-empire (Cristal… Crystal mountains? Crystal steps? Whatever), and the whole having-to-pick-him-up-drunk-from-a-tavern.

To be fair, he had no idea why he had done that last bit. It’s not like fWhip had asked him to do it, so it shouldn’t be on him. Sausage was perfectly capable of taking bad decisions if he so chose.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m up, mother” he grumbled, sitting up. “What are you doing here, anyway?” The thought of apologizing for his behaviour last night crossed his mind, but he quickly threw it to the side.

A change of clothes was thrown to his face, as Sausage kept digging through his wardrove. It wasn’t his first time in his room, and for what he could tell from the state of his couch in the other side of the room, he had probably stayed the night here and was currently looking for something to borrow.

Again, not the first time. fWhip started changing.

“I didn’t want to leave you alone last night. You got pretty drunk, you know?”

“Well, that would explain the headache,” he didn’t waste time replying. “What, afraid I’d fuck up my relationship with my sister more than I already did?”

fWhip shouldn’t had said that. He realized the moment the words left his mouth, but by then it was too late to take it back.

It wasn’t like him to go right to the point, but then again this last two days nobody seemed to follow the rules. Gemini went back from her little disappearing act, Sausage didn’t follow him after his outburst with his sister, fWhip actually confronted his problems.

He really hoped this whole madness stopped sooner than later, preferably before he started opening out or, and he knocked on wood, he talked about his feelings.

“It’s not my place to call you out,” he told him in a voice that held clear disappointed, and the memory of the last time he had tried to pry about fWhip’s sister. The Count couldn’t help but feel guilty at the way he had lashed out at him, told him to stay away from his family matters. Yeah, he wishes he hadnt done that. “But I would be an awful friend if I didn’t remind you of your duties. People are expecting to hear what you have to say, you know. The only reason why your council hasn’t throw down your door is because they know I’m here”

fWhip had no doubt of that, and the reminder only made him want to go back to bed and curl down behind a thousand blankets until the word forgot about him. The talking, statements, public image, that was his least favourite part about ruling. And if you added up the whole emotional factor to the equation? The Count was probably about to have the worst week of the year, almost as bad as his birthday if he guessed correctly.

But right now, it wastn what bothered him. It was Sausage’s voice, part annoyed, part hurt, deffinetely disappointed that he could pin out only because of how long they had know each other. fWhip knew Sausage wanted to say something more, wanted him to communicate, but knew better than to try.

It was probably for the best. Knowing himself, the Count would say something mean or cruel to get him out of his case, and he didn’t want to hurt Sausage. He was the closest thing he had to a friend in the world, and he didn’t think he could afford to loose him, both political and personally.

There was always time to reach out, he told himself, even if he knew he would never do so. He was too proud for that.

Sometimes he wished he wasn’t so much of his father’s son.

“Do you know what you’re going to say?” Sausage asked him, as he finished getting ready to go out and face the world.

“I mean, yeah” he responded. “Im going to sign the papers to allow negociations about how much the Grimmlands are going to aid, terms of allyship, that stuff, and then read some statement about my sister to the people that I have no doubt one of my advisors already made up”

That made the mythlander turn around.

“You’re going in?” he asked, surprised.

fWhip just looked at him. “Well, yes. I know Mythland is definitely going to sign-”

“Our magic has-” Sausage quickly started explaining, the excuse obviously having been playing on his head from the moment he heard the deal.

“-has been growing weaker over the years, I know. I understand. This is not a deal you can turn down, and the Grimmlands definitely can’t either without looking bad, and my council will have my head before allowing me to make an enemy of one of our closest neighbours, much less of one that’s allied with Mythland” he finished explaining.

Because that’s all politics boiled down to most of the time. Logic. There was no time or place for fWhip’s pride, even if it made him mad to think about sitting in a meeting room once a month with his sister for the rest of his life.

This was about his people, not himself. If he wanted to be a better ruler than his father, he would have to get used to the idea of his pride being stomped down now and then.

“And…” you could hear the hesitation in his voice a chunk away. “You don’t mind?”

fWhip snorted. “Of course I do, but it doesn’t really matter”

“Oh”

They looked at each other, fWhip trying to guess what the next uncomfortable question was going to be, and Sausage thinking of the best was to ask it. They were both ready to go, and at this point there was no reason to stay in his room, but it was difficult to tell which situation would be worse at this point.

“Do you want to go back to how things were with Gem?” Sausage finally asked, and fWhip knows he must look like a Salmon in a dry bucket by the way his mouth opened and closed with no rest, as he tried to think how to answer that.

As if sensing he had no real answer, the king continued. “Because I think you should decide on that before you speak with her again. Or you might do something you regret”

The night after this little piece, again, with 0 proofreading/editing.

This two parts are from a wip I'm working on that it's looking like a 15k oneshot instead of the 3k planned. Yay. Good part is Im already 11k in.

#empires smp #empires 2 #empiresblr #empires fic #fwhip #mythical​sausage #just so everybody knows this fic is the bottleneck of a series of another 4 oneshots series already written #I just happen to need this one to be the first one #the other ones arent this long i promise #well maybe the last one #must be around 8k but thats life

[khodorkovskaya]

After I split with my ex, it took me a while to get my head around it, like justifying to myself that I wasnt in the wrong etc andthat the way he was treating me was wrong and I shouldn't feel guilty about breaking it off etc.... I ended up trying to do like a 3rd point of view perspective thing... so like, I would explain everything that happened and how I felt and then try to see it from another point of view so like this other point of view would go. . "So you didnt reply to his message within an hour because you were literally in a college class which he knew beforehand, and he took the huff and wouldnt speak to you for over day as punishment?? You shouldn't not feel bad about ending it" obvs I had more extreme examples too lol but I dony wanna delve into them much it's like baggage ahaha

But afterwards, like when i was over him and had no feelings towards him etc, i thought i was fine and then discovered i wasnt... so like i could meet someone and really like them and find them attractive etc, and their personality and vibe really well and when I started to fancy this guy I was like omg yes thisnis nice and he acc seems a lot nicer than my ex woop woop. But then as soon I started to think about being in an actual romantic relationship with him I couldnt, I felt physically sick and anxious??? I literally couldn't face the idea of a relationship being like my previous one and I realised that while I was over him, I had some other issues as a result of the relationship I had to deal with instead.

I did get over it though

I've actually forgotten the point I was making with this message now so I do apologise for that sorry

But I thought he hadnt cared too, like he would delete every single pic of us literally within an hour of us breaking up.... he blocked me, and things he didnt block me on, he would post stuff like "good riddance" and stuff that basically made out he didnt care and it was all me etc and that I meant nothing to him....... he would add all these girls and shared their photos with hearts etc....

Anyway like a few months later he literally tried to get in touch saying he was sorry and he missed me and thought about me everyday etc and couldnt get over me

I ignored him though and that was that

I guess this is just a bit of a sharing story, I hope it helps in some way????? Sorry if it doesnt though.......

yeah, the looking at what happened from an outsider's perspective is a really good method. makes things a lot clearer and easier to see. and yeah thanks for sharing your story, it makes me feel less alone <3

but yeah, im definitely scared of falling in love again. but i really hope that the next time it happens, im gonna be more mature and sensible and things will be clearer for me. i mean obviously that's gonna be the case cos i fell in love with B when i was 17 and even now things would be different. but the thought of being in a relationship any time soon makes me very anxious. i think my next serious relationship is gonna be in like 5 years from now. for now the vibe is celibacy all the way!

i wonder how i would feel if B reached out to me again. bc i know it's very stupid of me, but it makes me sad that he didn't try to get me back, you know? like he didn't fight for me. he tried a little bit and maybe i have high expectations, but it didn't feel like it was enough. a deep dark side of me wishes he suffered more. and don't get me wrong, he did suffer. i left him without a warning and i still feel terribly guilty about that. the night i left he stood outside my parents' balcony and shouted my name and thinking about that makes my skin crawl. i feel awful. but at the same time something about that was so satisfying bc it felt like he had finally acknowledged me and my feelings.

but idk. maybe im spiteful and vengeful. and sadistic. but i fantasise about him begging me on his knees to take him back and crying and sleeping by my front door and following me around like a puppy dog asking for forgiveness. the last time we saw each other and had sex i strangled him, wishing i could actually choke him to death. i wanted to see despair in his eyes and absolute submission to me. like finally, after all the suffering i had endured, finally i could have full control over him and make him mine. you know?

but he never fought for me. and from a sensible perspective, that's good. he accepted my rejection and left me alone. and that kind of things requires great discipline, so good for him i guess. im thankful for that. but from like a twisted toxic perspective, i wish he'd message me saying that he misses me.

[gonancray]

when i cut it off i felt a twisted sense of triumph. 

finally i had control. finally i had wrangled the situation into something malleable. finally i could make you suffer the consequences of your actions. finally you would understand that you cannot simply say things - you need to keep a leash on your temper, you need to understand that other people have feelings too. finally finally finally you would regret.

but now im the one hunched over, struggling to breathe through the weight on my chest. it's been a week since the epiphany that we wouldn't go to prom together and every day i think of you and ▇. i wake up and feel emptiness. nothing feels real anymore. i bombed my recent english test, i handed in my religion assignment 6 days late, i fall asleep as soon as i come back from school. the old habits are catching up to me.

i feel this bone-deep doubt all the time now. im sorry. i wish i had heard you out when you offered to talk. i wish i hadnt been so fast to cut you out. some days i dont know whether to thank ▇▇▇ or spit at his feet for turning me into him. i used to feel so much pity when i thought of the way he removed anyone from his life as soon as they demonstrated the potential to let him down. how much would a person have to be hurt, to end up like that? how much had he suffered until he'd decided it was enough? until he'd been pushed to purge the memories from his blood - both the poison and the old love. it seemed an extreme kind of coping mechanism. wildly unhealthy.

and then past the pity and the confusion, i would feel a quiet kind of hatred. how dare you not hear me out. how selfish, how cowardly, to erect walls to protect yourself from pain. in saving yourself, you are hurting me.

now ive taken his place.

#nov 2 #.

[goodfully]

oh goodness, okay i just finished reading steppenwolf and i just have so many thoughts flying through my head...!!!

okay first of all, it was written in this sort of... endless prose, stream of consciousness way? so it was a bit difficult to read through. but!!! i do love books that feel like a very long train of thought, if that makes sense. it was a whole lot of stuff without pause, and i dont think the actual message of the book clicked until the very end of it (ofc i could also be misinterpreting! but this was just what i got out of it).

hghfjg anyway. it made all the sense the moment i got to the part where mozart was telling harry that what was required of him was "to live and to learn to laugh". if he hadnt said this twice on the same page, i might have not gotten it (i wish i was big brained). ahhghhh thats it!!!!! thats all!!!!!! oh god. learn to let go, learn to not take everything so seriously, learn to take it easy... oh my goodness, literally learn to live laugh love. "how can you say that youve raken any trouble to live when you wont even dance?" maybe its bc i know i tend to live more in my head than i do in real life, but i really appreciated the book.

ngl im a bit confused at whether everything we've read about harry and his self torment and torture and existential crises in the book was really just an illusion or a dream, just like the magic theatre was. like everything we know of harry and what we learned of him could just be something all in harrys head. i think thats what pablo meant by harry misusing the magic theatre and confounding it with reality. the magic theatre, like our mind or subconscious, is... just there. and letting it overwhelm and overshadow our reality... i think that was what harry realized at the very end of the book. that the source of all his pain and suffering was in him all along, not bc of his disconnection from society (and the very upsetting need to participate in that society in order to survive), and he accepts trying over and over to understand himself. most of the book was of how harry felt alienated from mainstream society. but the world could be rearranged in so many ways and so many times, and youll still be you. learn the limitations you put on yourself and... dont be afraid ig.

thats the other big thing from the book, like not to be afraid of yourself and the countless number of selves you have. ive yet to read more of hesse's works, but i think this theme of the multiplicity of the self or how we all have multiple souls is present in a lot of his books. harry was so focused on the two "souls" of his, that were violently against each other. the constant resisting and suppressing of the self isnt ever healthy, and at least i think this book was trying to get at saying to allow yourself to do what you want to do and not be afraid of intensity or of the extremes.

agrhr okay, actually as i read through the book, i was reminded so much of 18-20 year old me. they would have related a lot to harry i think.. haha... its a little frustrating, and honestly emotionally tiring, but i suppose its at least nice knowing ive somewhat grown in the more recent years. it might have just been bc of the circumstances at the time, but agh i lived and thought so much like harry and thought i really knew everything, that life was meaningless and loveless, that id always be doomed to be imprisoned in my flesh, forever empty and unbelonging anywhere as long as i was alive. its embarrassing thinking about it now, how angry i was at the world for how corrupt and unlivable it was and at myself for being too scared to die, despite how badly i wanted to kms. i thought i could never feel at home in reality, and hhh harry saying something about having "an intense longing sometimes to turn to and do something real for once, to be srsly and responsibly active instead of occupying myself forever with nothing but esthetics and intellectual and artistic pursuits." ahghhfh screams i am not harry haller!!!!! but my god, i was, and i was so insufferable.

oh this was very early on in the book but that one paragraph in the treatise about suicides??? "those souls that found the aim of life not in the perfecting and molding of the self, but in liberating themselves by going back to the mother, back to god, back to the all... for they see death and not life as the releaser. they are ready to cast themselves away in surrender and to be extinguished and to go back to the beginning." ahhhghh!!!!!! bashing my head into a wall, why would you say that!!!!!! hesse why are you in my brain hhh

this is pretty insignificant but with how much harry idolized mozart throughout the book, my love for classical music has been rekindled and im honestly having such a good time relistening to my favorite chopin ballades and ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!

alright i think ill end here... ive really enjoyed all the books by hesse that ive read so far (besides steppenwolf, just demian and siddhartha so far) and i really hope ill find a copy of narcissus and goldmund someday!!! honestly i think that anytime now i think "uhm well lol! maybe ill just go kms!" after a minor inconvenience, i will probably suddenly remember steppenwolf hahaha

#finished reading #steppenwolf

[frosnpls]

cw rhory (and suicide) talk again and general mental health talk

following on from that post yesterday i do definitely need therapy because as much as i convince myself ive healed (and to be fair i have, his death may have been traumatic but its incredible how quickly you realise you were being abused when youre... not being abused anymore) i do sometimes miss him and i hate it. ill see things like accounts from others who've lost people to suicide and it triggers that deep emptiness i felt when he first died despite the fact that he essentially ruined the first few years of my adult life

part of me wishes id never even met him but then i dont know if i would be as close to the friends i have now without him having been there (most of them anyway, if we pretend he didnt have one my best friends blocked because he would get jealous of how much fun i had speaking to her) and i also think he would have. died a lot sooner if i hadnt met him. his brother in law once told me it seemed like id afforded them two more years with him alive and i think it was meant to be grateful but in a way it was just upsetting because it made me feel guilty for all the times i had wished i didn't know him. it felt like i couldnt even afford a theoretical past version of myself that release. i know ultimately his death wasn't my fault and in fact i actively prevented it for a long time but it always always feels like i should have done something else. i feel like i shouldve told his brother that he was actively suicidal again but id come to his brother about it so many times that i think he just didnt think anything of it anymore.

and like despite how much i suffered through everything i dealt with with him i. do miss how we were sometimes. not him specifically, but the relationship we had when it was good. sometimes it upsets me that i cant even remember most of the positive times despite there being so many of them for the first two years we knew each other. sometimes i catch a glimpse of the tattoo on my arm when im getting out of the shower. the tattoo of one of his drawings, one of the only ones i managed to save when he deleted every single message he'd ever sent me. and sometimes it makes me feel like shit because i have this constant reminder of the boy who abused me emblazoned on my body, and nobody's first tattoo at the age of 21 should be a memorial to their boyfriend who killed himself, and it just makes me feel like shit because under everything else i really did love him and thats why i never walked away. thats why i didnt give up on him even when i started realising how damaging it all was for me. i loved him so much and i fucking hate saying it because logically i shouldnt have. its. a lot and its so complicated and nobody but me ever, ever saw it because he masked it around other people or would just dm me instead of saying anything out loud, and i could only tell people very nervously in private and i never had a way of proving it.

i think the hardest part is that my aocial circle now is almost exactly the same as it was when he was in it. all of our friends mourned that loss just the same. some of them know about the abuse now, but most of them don't, and the grief they will occasionally express (though never directly around me, which i appreciate) is so plain and easily explained and i almost feel jealous that i can't grieve the way they can. without any of the complicating factors. and that sounds so horrible but i wish my feelings about him were just SIMPLE.

i have a floater in my left eye. when i was with him, i developed stress stims. i would bash my hand against my head or bash my head against the corner of my desk. floaters are caused by head trauma. im consistently reminded of what that time was like every time i move my left eye in the right lighting.

i remember one particularly bad night where i cried for four hours straight because he just refused to talk to me like a normal person, blamed me for everything that was happening between us and told me to leave him alone and never speak to him again. i knew if i agreed to that he would kill himself as soon as he could. i knew i was the only thing keeping him alive, and that he resented me for that. i used to get acne on my nose and sleeve burns on my eyelids from crying so often and for so long each time.

it was fucking horrendous and i can't even vent to anyone because most of them grieved his death too. we don't even say his name - if he comes up it's always "you know" or "someone else, you know who i mean". so i think i... should really do a proper therapist hunt.

#personal #delete later just need to. put my thoughts down rn

[everythingsinred]

003 persona

ur bold for sending me this lol

How I feel about this character: little serio rei deserves love. he deserves protection. he was abused and mistreated and the way he grew up chills me to the bone. he suffered and he didnt deserve to because he was just a child. that being said PERSONA as an adult sucks. i hate that guy. years of emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusing his students for no reason is not something i can forgive. was it jealousy that they dont live in cages like he did? was it a way for him to let out his anger and despair? was it just bc the esp manipulated him? honestly, i really dont give a shit. i understand better than anyone that abuse can easily become a cycle but that doesnt mean im okay with persona's actions. being abused as a child doesnt give you a get-out-of-jail-free card for abusing more children. natsume is my son, my blorbo. i cannot tolerate the grown adult man who COMMANDED him to take his own life and told him that his only value was as the black cat. no thanks. no hate to persona fans, but natsume is my baby boy above everything

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: i ship him with therapy and staying far away from all children always since his he has a tendency to act violently whenever he sees one.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: THAT BEING SAID. izumi. ah. maybe if izumi hadnt died rei wouldnt have grown up to be persona and things would be better for everyone. ALAS. he must also be held accountable for his own actions. it cant always be about how the esp fucked everyone up. persona is a grown adult, not just a victim of circumstance... tho it seemed at the end like he understood that better than the narrative smh

My unpopular opinion about this character: hmm hmm hmm. i talked about this in the discord with someone but i think its very sus that persona is more easily forgiven than luna. it smells like misogyny to me. luna and persona have almost identical arcs: being groomed by the esp, purposefully isolated and manipulated so they align with him, abusing children only to regret their actions and change sides at the very last moment. i dont really understand at all why luna is somehow worse than him when theyre pretty much the exact same. in fact, i could argue luna was a little less of a menace than persona when it comes to their treatment of the kids bc she only started playing a role with students halfway thru the story as opposed to being an abusive teacher for years before the story even began. theyre both terrible but i dont understand why luna is treated more harshly when persona is NOT better at all. at least luna actually stayed away from the kids after her redemption.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wanted so badly for natsume to punch him in the face or tell him off. we never got natsume saying ANYTHING about persona at the end which sucks bc out of everyone he deserves to and he shouldve gotten the chance. i choose to believe that natsume has socked persona in the face many times before the epilogue chapters.

Favorite friendship for this character: i dont think he has friends honestly

if you would like to send me an ask for a character/ship/show or you'd like to rb the original post yourself, heres the link!

#maybe i shouldnt post all these in the ga tag at once #i dont wanna spam #ga #serio rei #persona #i have nothing against persona fans. thats just not my bag #i dont rly talk about persona a lot but i was specifically asked so i wont sugarcoat anything #answered #thesightofworms #ask games #bc this is a pretty negative post ill wimp out and not tag the main tag ur welcome

[to-you-years-from-now]

i woke up crying again.

i dreamt of my dad. i came home from a very exhausting day because i saw my friends weep for vp leni's loss. my heart was broken.

then i come, i saw my dad laid in his stomach. it broke my heart even more with the thought of him having to suffer in pain for the rest of his life.

then when he heard my voice, he tried to roll over to greet me.

i wept and said to him why did he had to end up like that?

then he went in for a hug. i started crying in my dream so he smiled until his eyes shaped like a crescent moon just to coomfort me. he tried to humor how the doctors had failed him that was why he ended up with damaged body so i wouldnt worry.

i wish i hadnt woken up. i wish i wish we hugged for a longer time. i wish i could see papa once again. i miss him.