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tittytania · 3 years

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Finding ChristBorg: A TED talk about what happened during the Coldharbour Compact.

Reposted from my tes reddit bc I want to see what y’all think.

I can't tell if I'm a genius, completely insane, or if I'm just late to the lore-party. Time to find out I guess. TL;DR at the bottom.

So it has never been explained what Sotha Sil did during the Coldharbour Compact to convince the daedric princes to not manifest on Nirn without an intermediary, and it probably never will be since the mystery of it all is far too cool. But that doesn't mean I can't read into it like literature and look for meaning in the other texts I can compare it to.

To start, Vivec is based off of the Shakta variation of the half female/half male Ardhanarishvara, where the gold-skinned female half is the right side. Both Vivec and Ardhanarishvara represent unity and duality, and looking at some images of Ardhanarishvara, it's kinda hard to argue that Vivec wasn't based off of them. Kirkbride even confirmed that Ardhanarishvara was the inspiration for Vivec in an AMA. Now, Vivec is part of the god trio the Almsivi Tribunal, along with Almalexia and Sotha Sil. Shiva, who Ardhanarishvara is the avatar of, is also part of a god trio, called the Trimurti in Hinduism. So it would make sense if the other members of the tribunal are also based off of one member of a real world religious triad. I have a shaky idea of who Almalexia could be, but my theory for her god-inspiration is nowhere near as solid as my theory for Sotha Sil, who I believe is based on Jesus Christ.

To start, their characterizations have multiple similarities. Both are one branch of a god-triad, with Sotha Sil as part of the Tribunal, and Jesus as The Son in the Holy Trinity. Both serve as a teacher, with Jesus being referred to as Teacher several times in the Bible, and Sotha Sil giving lessons on magic and Mysticism to the Psijic Monks. Also, both are characterized as wise, patient, and celibate. They both talk about moral and philosophical concepts with their followers, neither Jesus nor Sotha Sil are shown as having a temper or raising their voices, and neither of them are shown with a spouse or partner. Sotha Sil is specifically shown as not caring about the Night Mother's attempts to sexually manipulate him in book seven of 2920, The Last Year of the First Era. Now I know that 2920 is considered a work of historical fiction in-universe, but I don't think that matters in this situation since I'm approaching this as a person reading a text, not as a person living inside the lore world.

In terms of specific scenes that connect Sotha Sil and Jesus, the first I will mention is that they both use a makeshift whip to beat intruding wrongdoers and drive them away, while yelling about fathers. In the Truth in Sequence vol. 8 book, it says that "[t]hrough His will alone, Mighty Seht wound the veins (of metal ore) into god-bronze whips, and lashed the Prince pitilessly," saying "[b]ehold the wrath of lost Ald Sotha! Know death at my hands, false-son of a false-father!" In the Bible, Jesus found people doing sales in a place of worship, and then He "made a whip of cords, (and) He drove them all out of the temple," saying “Take these things away! Do not make My Father’s house a house of merchandise!” (John 2 15-16).

Also, Jesus had close friends and followers who were called his apostles, and Sotha Sil has his own Clockwork Apostles. Sil's apostles reside in the Clockwork Basilica, and while basilica isn't an exclusively Christian term, it is frequently used to describe a type of church architecture, and is a term the pope uses to recognize distinguished churches.

Another similarity that I found was in the plot of Morrowind, where Sotha Sil's death was caused at the hands of Almalexia, who was someone he had once loved and trusted, much like with Jesus and Judas.

The most notable life similarity as it relates to the Coldharbour Compact is that both leave the earthly world in order to make a deal for the benefit of the souls on earth, and then return to the earthly world. This parallel is given extra weight with the descriptions of the scene in the book 2920, The Last Year of the First Era. Sotha Sil returns from Coldharbour by way of someone "rolling aside the great boulder that blocked the entrance to the Dreaming Cavern. This sounds a lot like the scene in the bible of the discovery that Jesus had risen from the dead, where "an angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door" (Matthew 28:2). In addition, Jesus said "after He is killed, He will rise [on] the third day," (Matthew 17:23) and after Sotha Sil returned from Coldharbour, he "felt he had been away for months, years, but only a few days had transpired." Perhaps it had been 3?

In addition to the life and behavior similarities, there are similarities in dress. In the 2920 book, Sotha Sil is always described as wearing a white robe or cloak. In ESO, Sotha Sil is shown as barefoot, and wearing a blue sash over his long white robe. In medieval and renaissance art, Jesus is most always depicted as barefoot, and is frequently shown with a blue cloth over his shoulder. In most resurrection art, as well as in almost all 20th/21st century art, Jesus is depicted as dressed in white. While Jesus usually isn't usually shown wearing both the blue sash and the white robe at once like Sotha Sil is, I found one modern interpretation of Jesus that does dress him this way, and several depictions of him in Chinese art that also portray him like this.

I'm feeling almost conspiratorial here, but these similarities are far too many for me to think it's accidental, and therefore I have to think that all of this is meant to suggest that Sotha Sil serves a Christ-figure role in his story, i.e. in sacrificing own life like Jesus did in order to make his deal in the Coldharbour Compact. However I don't think Sil's sacrifice was quite so simple. After he is asked what he offered the Daedra in return for the deal, he states: "The deals we make with Daedra... [s]hould not be discussed with the innocent." This implies that in contrast to the Christ mythos, Sil's sacrifice was not blameless; he did not come out of the deal with his hands clean.

So, a Christ-like sacrifice that isn't quite as pure and selfless as it is in Christianity. What could that be?

My theory is that in order to make the Coldharbour Compact, he sold the lives of Vivec and Almalexia along with his own. Perhaps he told the princes that he knew the tribunal's godhood would end, and in exchange for their cooperation he promised not to tell the other tribunes or make any attempt to prevent his and his companions' demise. (After all, as far as I know he made the mechanical heart for keeping his city functional, not for recreating the divinity the heart of Lorkhan provided.) Or, maybe he offered to do something to assist in bringing the Tribunal down, and losing Sunder and Keening, the tools that helped them maintain their divinity, was intentional on his part. Sil deliberately sacrificing his own life appears to be reflected in Azura's statement after his death. She said "he shed his mortality long ago, and I am certain his death was no small relief to him." Of course she'd know that he let go of his life ages ago if he had willingly sold it to her. Of course she would be certain that he found his death to be a relief, if she'd heard him say so himself when he was explaining why a god would ever offer such a deal.

It would also make sense with Sotha Sil's character, since he allegedly loved the people on Nirn more than Almalexia or Vivec did, and the destruction of Gilverdale could have definitely been a traumatic enough reminder of the destruction of Ald Sotha for him to do something dramatic to prevent it ever happening again. And guilt over sacrificing his friends could have definitely been a contributing factor to the worsening self-isolation and intense depression in his later life. It would also be a definite explanation for why he apparently never met another soul in the 10 years between losing the tools and his death. Not only had he become extremely disillusioned with the imperfections of the world, he had now finalized the deal he made so long ago, and saw no point in continuing to interact with a deeply flawed world he was essentially finished with.

However, I do see some issues with this and how it would work in-universe. Namely the fact that Hermaeus Mora's seekers said the prince received something from every individual on Nirn as part of the deal, which is quite different from what I'm suggesting. A different deal for each prince would also explain why Sil was able to include Clavicus Vile and Mephala in the compact at a much later date. There would be no reason for Vile and Mephala to submit to a collective deal whose terms had already been decided. So if he offered the tribunal's lives as part of the deal, he would have needed to offer other things as well. But for me the most significant in-universe issue I struggled with was that using his death as a bargaining tool would create a massive problem for his ability to enforce the deal in the future. This could explain why both Molag Bal and Mehrunes Dagon manifested on Nirn after Sotha Sil's death, but since I think they were summoned by qualified mortals that could have been a loophole. Either way, making a deal that is meant to last forever by promising something that can never be taken back in the case of a breach of contract seems extremely short-sighted for someone who claims to be cursed with certainty. Especially considering how many of the princes there were known to be cheats and liars.

Unless, that is, you believe this theory I read about the reason why Sil was completely silent as he was killed. My original belief was that he was silent because he'd seen it coming long ago, and knew that nothing he could have said would have changed Almalexia's mind. And while that would be in character for him, now I'm starting to think that it was because he had already uploaded his consciousness elsewhere. This would fit in with the Christ-figure parallels, due to the Christian belief that Jesus is risen from the dead and very much alive. While Jesus returned to life at the same time he emerged from the cave, the completion of Sotha Sil's death sacrifice didn't happen until long after his return via the cave. While I have found no explicit evidence that he's still around, when you find his body in Morrowind he is shown hanging, with his arms outstretched at his sides, in a sort of crucifixion pose. And after the crucifixion comes the resurrection. Perhaps Sotha Sil is still around somewhere in the gears of his city, and he promised the princes he'd never be present or have any influence on Nirn so long as they kept up their end of the deal. Additionally, the 37th sermon of Vivec mentions Sotha Sil as holding "his swollen belly," carrying "[his] daughter." While Vivec's sermons are hardly ever literal, Kirkbride's comments suggest that maybe Vivec was being somewhat literal in this instance. Regarding this concept art, Kirkbride said "note the cosmic baby growing inside Sotha Sil. While Sotha Sil is dead as we saw in the add-on pack “Tribunal”, the child survived." Perhaps one of Sotha Sil's many body modifications made him able to carry and birth a child, and then he created a daughter through self-cloning or some other method that allows him to have enough influence to enforce the compact.

TL;DR - Sotha Sil has a lot of similarities with Jesus, so he's a Christ figure and therefore his sacrifice in the Coldharbour Compact was himself, and Almalexia and Vivec too, and that also means that he may still be around.

Anyways, thanks for reading and sorry if this sounds like I'm putting red strings on a wall as my application essay to the r/SothaSimps fan club. Also, lmk if I'm missing anything obvious. For me right now Reading Lore On The Bedroom Floor is a bit more manageable than playing the games, and there may be something I've just completely looked over.

#sotha sil #tes #the elder scrolls #tesblr #vivec #almalexia #morrowind #elder scrolls online #eso #lord seht

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lunabonita · 3 years

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My Webtoon Recommendations

These are webtoons that are all 10/10 for me. Of course it doesn’t have to be a 10/10 for you, so just a reminder, do not attack me for liking a webtoon that you do not. These are my opinions and we are not going to have the exact same taste. Please be respectful.

Your Throne

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters: 75

Status: Ongoing

“Tensions are brewing under the seemingly calm surface of the Vasilios Empire, a kingdom ruled by the Imperial Family and the Temple. Lady Medea Solon has lost her place next to Crown Prince Eros, but resolves to win back whats rightfully hers. Will she reclaim her throne?”

You know whats amazing about this webtoon? The summary leads you to think that what shes winning back is the prince. Wrong. Shes trying to win back the throne. I love how this webtoon doesn’t try to make it a girl focusing her goals on a man, but on power. Medea is such a strong and well written character that you can’t help but love her.

The second protagonist Pschye, who of which is the person who took Medeas place as Crown Princess, is the complete opposite of Medea. At the beginning you hate her, but as the webtoon goes on and Medea and her get a better understanding of eachother due to them switching bodies as a wish from God, you begin to root for them as they team up to take over the throne from the Crown Prince.

The art is so beautiful and I constantly found myself at awe from the amount of detail put into it.

The Makeup Remover

Genre: Romace

Chapters: 78

Status: Ongoing

“After years of being told to focus on studying, Yeseul feels lost when she starts college and is suddenly expected to pay attention to makeup. When a chance encounter with brilliant makeup artist Yuseong leads to her taking part in a televised makeup competition, Yeseul begins to question the role that makeup and appearance play in society.”

This was created by one of my favorite webtoon creators Lee Yone. Their art is just so amazing and their stories always include such good topics.

For instance, The Makeup Remover’s theme is loving yourself for who you are. It shows how people treat you based on your looks and as someone whos struggled with that kind of thing for a while, this webtoon really touched me. The main character Yeseul is such a relatable character, even when trying to reject beauty standards, she still came subject to the pressures of living up to the people around her. She struggles with trying to love her own appearance and I really like that this webtoon didn’t try to be like, ‘fuck the beauty standard im better than that screw pretty people!!!’ it actually showed realistically how people struggle with self-image. I also love the main love interest because oh my god, we need more men like him please. He doesn’t care about Yeseul’s appearance and genuinely loves her for her personality.

Also, art is amazing. The author is so talented and you should support them by reading and liking the chapters.

Surviving Romance

Genre: Horror

Chapters: 14

Status: Ongoing

“When Chaerin Eun becomes the protagonist of the romance novel she is reading, she expects a fairytale ending with the novel’s love interest, Jeha. But when a bizarre twist makes her realize the story is not playing out as it does in the book, she’ll need the help of an unlikely character from her class to defy the new storyline and find her happy ending - if only she can figure out who this ‘Unknown Extra’ is first!”

Hands down one of my favorite webtoons by a long shot. You ever see a webtoon and think, ‘oh yeah, thats going to be a good webtoon’? Thats how this webtoon was for me. It was so good that I spent hours searching for other chapters that hadn’t been uploaded to webtoon yet on other manhua websites. I discovered it because it was also by the author of ‘The Makeup Remover’.

If there is one thing you need to know about me, its that I am a huge horror fan. So when I saw that my favorite author on webtoon had a horror themed webtoon out? You bet your behind that I binged it. Let me tell you, best choice ever.

Think of it as if ‘Ino’s Law’ and ‘Quarantine’ were combined with amazing art and a badass MC.

The Remarried Empress

I love how it is set up to the point where she cannot ‘quit’ until she completes the novel. Creating scenarios where she must survive while meeting the standards in the book. It is such an amazingly written webtoon and I cannot wait for more chapters to be released.

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters: 82

Status: Ongoing

“Navier Ellie Trovi was an empress perfect in every way - intelligent, courageous, and socially adept. She was kind to her subjects and devoted to her husband. Navier was perfectly content to live the rest of her days as the wise empress of the Eastern Empire. That is, until her husband brought hone a mistress and demanded a divorce. ‘I accept this divorce… And i request an approval of my remarriage.’ In a shoking twist Navier remaarries another emperor and retains her title and childhood dream as empress. But just how did everything unfold? “

Am I in love with Navier? Yes.

I absolutely adore how this story was set up. The first chapter begins with the big divorce scene, followed by Navier saying that she was going to be remarrying someone else since he wants to divorce her. This sets up a picture that gets completely shattered as you read the chapters. How everything falls into place with the reason behind the divorce and the remarriage is just so well written. The art is so good and and everything is just so insanely well done.

I absolutely love Naviers character, from her regalness and devoted loyalty to her role as empress, all the way to her petty moments and times of sadness. She is truly a character that you want the best for, and I cannot image anyone not liking her. Also the story is just so capable of making you feel emotions. I’ve laughed, cried, and got angry during the course of reading this webtoon. I love how betrayed I felt when the emperor brought home his mistress. It felt like I was in Navier’s shoes!

This is such a well done webtoon and I'm so excited for Navier to get all of the good things she deserves in her new Kingdom and with her new husband.

Witch Creek Road

Genre: Horror

Chapters: 74

Status: Ongoing

“A survival horror about love, acceptance, death, and revenge. And sexy flesh-eating demons. Yeah, it has those, too.”

This series seriously mind fucked me. The way that this story is set up, you don’t see the full picture until the later chapters. Season two literally blew my mind. It is also very gorey so keep that in mind if you don’t like that kind of stuff, but for me that makes it all the better. It is just so wild and crass that you can feel your heart pumping in anticipation.

They even have their own website that goes further into the lore because it’s just so wild. Also the art style is just so amazing, because it complements the story and horror theme so much. You hate most of the characters because they suck, and it is so satisfying when they are killed. Also it has it’s sad moments but I think it is a nice break from the horror so it isn’t so overwhelmingly scary.

I binged this series and I recommend reading only a few chapters a day so you don’t overload your brain.

Other then that, an amazing webtoon. Seriously, go read it, support the author, so much work goes into the story and art that it’s insane.

Dating With A Tail

Genre: Romance

Chapters: 36

Status: Ongoing

“On the dawn of her 29th birthday, unlucky-in-love Yunha discovers a shocking family secret: she’s started growing a fox tail, the mark of an ancestral curse. She must find her fated love before her 30th birthday or she is destined to become a fox forever! Even with her new-found enchanting power to attract men using her scent, will one year be enough to break the curse before it’s too late?”

Oh my gosh this is just such a good webtoon. It has amazing art, story telling, and characters. The true love interest was there the whole time, the villain isn’t who you’d expect it to be, and the spirit who cursed her is just! Im not going to spoil it but go read this webtoon!! It is so good and deserves more love.

Also Yunha is just so relatable?? Like she put off finding the woodcutter (her fated love) for 29 years and waited last minute to find him. Homegirl is me trying to do a project for school. Also to get rid of the scent that makes men attracted to her, she just starts eating a ton of garlic and that is just so funny to me.

Also I would go to church for the priest anytime if you know what i mean ;)

Omniscient Reader

Genre: Action

Chapters: 53

Status: Ongoing

“Dokja was an average office worker whose sole interest was reading his favorite web novel ‘Three Ways to Survive the Apocalypse.’ But when the novel suddenly becomes reality, he is the only person who knows how the world will end. Armed with this realization, Dokja uses his understanding to change the course of the story, and the world, as he knows it.”

I cannot get over how high quality this story is. The world building is phenomenal, the art is fantastic, and the characters are very fleshed out. This deserved all the hype it has gotten so far and more.

I love the ‘mc thrown into a different reality’ trope so much. Just like with surviving romance, Dokja’s world became the story he was reading. Also a very cool aspect of the story is the level up and the fact that its like a game. Earth has turned into this show for god like creatures to watch and it follows Dokja trying to survive. I also really like that TWSA has a protagonist, but Omniscient Reader’s protagonist is not the protagonist that was in TWSA. There is just so much lore and I’ll say it again, the world building is just phenomenal.

The Ddokkaebi’s and Dokja’s interactions are also just some of my favorite moments from the story so far. And oh my goodness I would die for Lee Gilyoung. Thats it, thats the tweet. That little boy could probably kill me with his giant praying mantis and I would let him if it would make him happy.

Not So Shoujo Love Story

Genre: Comedy

Chapters: 45

Status: Ongoing

“Romance super-fan Rei Chan is ready for her first boyfriend and she knows just who it’ll be: the most handsome boy in school, Hansum Ochinchin. But her plans for the perfect story are derailed when the most popular girl in class declares herself a rival… for Rei’s heart?! This is the year her not so shoujo love story begins!”

This is just such a cute webtoon. The style is very appealing and while the humor can be childish and weird sometimes, it still has made me laugh a lot. I know the humors not for everyone but just keep in mind that it does get better as the story progresses and gets more serious.

Also its a gl! I’m really unable to find good gls these days that don’t fetishize wlw relationships. Rei being painted as a mean trouble maker whos just misunderstood and Hana being the ‘perfect girl’ who only wants Rei’s attention is such a cute dynamic. They balance each other out and better each other. Also stan Rei for constantly sticking up for Hana even if she doesn’t necessarily like her in the beginning, she has very good morals and sticks to them.

Also the defying stereotypes in this webtoon? Just god-tier. Really makes you think twice when you judge someone just on first impressions alone.

Odd Girl Out

Genre: Drama

Chapters: 264

Status: Ongoing

“After a successful winter break makeover, Nari is finally ready for her high school debut. But somehow, she ends up friends with the three prettiest girls in school! Follow Nari as she tries to navigate her brand new high school life surrounded by beauties.”

This story has made me cry multiple times. A lot, even. It is just such a beautiful tale of friendship and finding support in people who are unlike those around theme. It also tells a great story about how anybody can be the ‘odd girl out’. Be it the fat girl, the beautiful girl, the rich girl, or the laid back girl.

It goes so deep into its characters that you even feel bad for the minor antagonists. It really makes you feel for the characters and the reasons behind their actions. Also I know its long, believe me I binged all 260 chapters in the span of three days, but oh my god it is worth it. Also I know the art is kind of off-putting, in fact that’s kind of why I put off reading the story, but I’ve honestly grown to love it and the writing is so good that the art could be literal stick figures and it wouldn’t matter.

The story is amazing and also I just love Nari. She’s just the best.

Gremoryland

Genre: Horror

Chapters: 67

Status: Completed

“Six old school friends are invited to be the first visitors of GremoryLand, a new horror theme park that promises an experience as unique as it is spooky. But once this experience starts there is no turning back, and they find themselves tested beyond what they imagines, facing their most desperate fears in order to survive.��

This is definitely one of those stories were you kind of need to turn of your brain and choose to ignore ‘plot holes’ while reading the early chapters because this story definitely gets crazy if you don’t know the ending. Believe me if you stick with it it will all make sense and the satisfaction you get from finding the ending is just so worth it.

The story is so good, and who Gremory is you would literally never suspect. When it was revealed who Gremory was and how he was able to create Gremoryland is so fucking mind boggling that you would never guess. I had to do a double take. It wasn’t like one of those random characters with a vendetta type of twists, but like one you can pick out from clues throughout the story.

Its so good and twisted and just so worth at least giving it a chance.

These were some of my favorite webtoons on the app! Of course it’s not all of them because unfortunately there is a 10 image limit. I also made this because I’ve run out of new webtoons to read and would love if you guys commented some of your own recs. I can also do a part two with other ones I liked if y’all want more recommendations. You guys can even request specific categories like Drama or Sci-Fi and I can tell you my favorite ones from that genre.

Also a reminder - if you disagree with any of my praise of these webtoons be respectful about it. At the end of the day it’s my opinion and you don’t need to be rude when disagreeing with that opinion.

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donaidk · 3 years

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Marcus Armstrong - Almost Home I.

In advance: This is getting a Part 2 for sure. I don’t want to leave it here, but at the same time I felt like it would be really long if I left it in one piece. Turns out I have a whole lot of inspiration for Marcus fics right now. 😂 I also wanna let everyone, who’s waiting for their request, know that uni is starting next week for me. It means less free time, but I will make sure to finish every one of them in the next week or so, and then focus on all the series I started. There’s gonna be slower updates to them, but I’ll make sore to have one or two per week at least. Hopefully they won’t try to kill us in the starting weeks and I will finish up the Lando one so I could start posting that every week and just add some parts from the others to the queue 😊

Thank you Anon for requesting this one though, and sorry for the wait. Hope you will enjoy it and as it’s almost the next day here, have a really happy start to your Friday everyone 🧡

Kind of Taglist: @mickschumcher, @art-gp

Title Song | Masterlist | Taglist/Queue | Request

With the Australian GP knocking on the door Melbourne filled up with tourists and fans even more than usual. The first time I got to witness it in 2017 was actually scary in a way for someone who didn’t know the city well yet. Getting from one part of the city to another was a hard task already, and all the shouting and crazy fans weren’t of much help when I tried to get some usable info out of them so I could finally get to my destination and get off the streets. It almost held me back from choosing Melbourne’s university, but I had to remind myself that it was just once a year and I shouldn't give up my plans because of it. Melbourne was beautiful and their schools were highly rated, giving me everything for a stable future. Luckily I was never disappointed by my choices as it was easy to get used to the life here and I even found some new friends who helped me every time I felt homesick. It wasn’t the worst usually, as I was truly content with how my life was going, but sometimes it just hit me out of nowhere and in those moments they were always there for me.

It was now the third year when we lived through the race weekend, meaning we finally had a working schedule with which we still followed our usual plans but stayed out of the bigger crowds. Although we were in the middle of the semester we always found time to enjoy the still warm weather and spend most of our free time outside. Usually our choice was the beach for the afternoons as even though it was packed until noon, the tourists never stayed for long. We usually arrived in the late afternoon and stayed well after the sun went down, and the temperature went down a little finally. The water usually stayed comfortable until later in the evening making it bearable for almost a whole 24 hours if you weren’t squeamish. Even if you were after spending a few weeks at the beach, everyone got used to it.

As soon as everyone finished with their lectures we got our things together and took the 5 minutes walk down to the beach. We had a favourite spot which was luckily never taken when we got down there. For a few minutes we just sat down, talking about our weeks. I shared a dorm room with two other girls, but we had a few friends who had their own apartments or lived with their family a bit farther away from our university. We usually had one or two days every week to catch up with them as in between lectures we were either too tired or didn’t have the time to do so. But most of the afternoons were ours fully and we used it the best we could to relax but still use that time to make memories for the few years we’re spending together. We could say it’s gonna stay the same after we graduate but everyone knew we would move to different countries as soon as we weren’t connected to Australia. Even I planned to go home, although I enjoyed living here and getting to be independent without my family behind my back.

“ Are you coming? ” One of the girls asked me, as they were already walking down to the water, while I was still standing around our towels with my phone in my hand. I was in the middle debating which sunset photo I should post from my gallery, but her voice made me look up.

“ Just a second. I’ll catch up. ” I smiled at her before looking back down at my screen. In the end my finger finally tapped the posting button and I pushed it aside while I got the sundress off that was on over my bikini.

Right before I would have ran after the girls, the device was back in my hands so I could check that the picture uploaded without a problem. A smile got on my face when I saw a reaction from one of my family members but as soon as it showed the whole list of the people who looked at my story, it faded away. For the past few months whenever I posted something he was always there in the first few seconds or at least minutes. I couldn’t understand what changed that he showed up in my life again, but I didn't really want to give him space in my thoughts either. It has been almost 4 years since we last talked and could call each other best friends, but I wasn’t about to take the first step and message him after he forgot about me until now. I just dropped my phone back into my bag, closing it and then caught up with my friends so they could make me forget about him again.

We spent quite some time in the water, swimming a few laps back and forth before just standing around and enjoying the last rays of sunshine while we chatted away. My thoughts were already in a different direction thanks to all the different topics that came up between us. Sometimes it was harder to make me forget time and time again, but turns out today I only needed some distraction and everything was set for an enjoyable night. With the sun completely off the sky the temperature dropped quickly and it was getting a bit chilly for my liking in just a few minutes. When it was truly uncomfortable I gave up and walked back to the shore, sitting down on my own blanket and draping my towel around my shoulders. It immediately brought enough warmth over my body that I stopped shivering and could wait for them until they would get cold too. Until then I just went onto my phone to go through some posts of my friends. Sometimes I looked up to check on them just so they wouldn’t leave me out of something. One of those times I saw a person coming my way and although I didn’t mind too much attention to it, when he continued and there was no one else in my close proximity I felt like he might be coming to me. In the end I was right as he turned right towards me and then stopped just a few steps away from our blankets.

“ Never thought you would exchange our lovely and perfect red stars for ugly white ones. ” He spoke up and I could recognise the voice even though his face was almost unseeable thanks to him standing with his back towards the moon. My jaw dropped immediately and I felt like I grew roots into the ground as I couldn’t move my body. “ If you want me to fuck off, just tell me. It’s okay. I just thought we could maybe talk, and from the pictures I saw that you’re here. Hoped you didn’t go home yet so I could catch you and... ” He started rambling but I was quick to finally push myself up and hug him immediately. I always imagined our reunion with me being angry at him, but somehow I couldn’t get myself to feel that way now that he was standing right in front of me.

“ You idiot. ” I told him not leaving any space for questions and I could feel as he finally relaxed and hugged me back. “ The biggest in the whole world. ” I added with a sigh, closing my eyes as my brain started functioning again and I had an urge to kick his shin at least.

“ I can live with that. ” Marcus let out a laugh and I could feel as my heart jumped a little at the sound. It was something that always reminded me of our home and spending every possible second together. “ I’m sorry for disappearing. ” He let out a sigh, letting go of me only when we realised my wet bathing suit soaked his shirt, although even he didn’t care about it for too long.

“ What are you doing here? I thought F2 wasn't coming here. ” I asked him confused, knowing that we wouldn’t be in this situation if he traveled here for one of the races in the past two years. “ Not like I’m complaining, but I can hardly believe my own eyes and senses. ” I shook my head a little before looking up at him again. He changed, quite a bit since we last met and even though I saw pictures of him it was different in a face-to-face situation.

“ Ferrari invited a few of us so we could gather some experience. The speed I accepted the offer with might have raised some eyebrows. ” Marcus hid his face in his palm, making me chuckle as I could see the situation unfold in front of my eyes like I was there. “ Thought I would DM you and ask if you wanted to meet up maybe. But I realized it would be better offline. ” I had to roll my eyes at his first idea although I knew he wasn’t lying and it for sure went through his brain as a real possibility.

“ You’re lucky you didn’t. I would have blocked you forever I think. My plan was connecting my fist with your face if we ever meet again, right until you showed up here. ” I shook my head with a smile, as I wasn’t proud of what I wanted to do to him. “ I was really angry when you just stopped talking to me. I tried so hard to reach you, but it felt like you didn’t even exist anymore even though they were talking about you almost every week. ” I sighed, sitting back down and leaving enough space for him too.

“ Would have been deserved actually. ” His fingers scratched at the nape of his neck and I could see the tint of purple traveling up his neck. I watched him as he sat down, pulling his legs up and resting his arms onto them. “ I really am sorry. For a part everything got busy with all the training, races and studying, but at the same time I know damn well a message here and there should have been possible. I messed up, everything. ” His eyes shined even in the minimal light of the moon, and I could get myself to look away. Even feeling the burning stares on my back from my friends didn’t get me to turn around.

“ I won’t say that it’s okay, but I accept your apology. How could I not. ” I let out a breath that I realized was still stuck in me since the initial surprise took over my body. “ It feels like we didn’t even skip over like 3 years of each other’s life. Only difference is that you’re finally taller than me, but the baby face’s still there. ” My hand went up to his cheek to pat it gently like my grandma did for him all the time when he came over for lunch. He always hated it but knew that it was a gesture of love from her and a way to show Marcus that she considered him part of our family.

“ Yeah, I guess it’s going to stay forever. ” Marcus huffed, moving his head back a little to avoid my attack, although he failed miserably. “ I almost forgot, congrats for uni. I remember how hard you were studying to get in. Everyone home was ecstatic when I told them about it. ” His hand slapped his forehead, making me laugh with his expression at the slight stinging he caused himself.

“ Thank you, but it’s nothing compared to your second place last year. ” I shrugged a little but as soon as his lips pulled into a slight smirk my eyes rolled on their own. “ Surprise, surprise, I followed your career. Just as much as you followed my life for the past few months. ” I poked him in the ribs with my finger, making him wince for a second before we both started laughing at the little sound he made.

“ Fair. I still hate how Instagram shows who opened your stories. ” He shook his head a little and both of our heads turned towards the water when we realized the background chatting was getting closer and closer to where we were sitting. They were just a few meters away when my eyes landed on their figures and I sensed when Marcus stood up from next to me, making me push myself up too.

I didn’t feel too anxious about him meeting my other friends, although I knew what this meant for my evening at the dorm with them. They would have an immense amount of questions both about him and us, even though I already mentioned him when we were bringing up our past. A few of them even knew about my past feelings about him and how him reappearing on my socials played with my emotions, but they only saw a few photos of him. This was another level and I knew he would be the topic for at least the next week between us, for one reason or another. Depends on how we get on from this point and if we manage to keep in contact when they have to fly away again.

“ Oh, I knew it wasn’t just my imagination. I told you someone was coming here. ” My roommate spoke up as soon as they got close enough to make us out from the darkness. “ You’re Marcus, right? ” She stepped right in front of him, reaching her hand out while introducing herself. I always admired her boldness even in front of strangers.

“ Yes, although I didn’t know so many people knew me from here. ” Marcus let out an uneasy chuckle, looking at me a bit concerned. I just shook my head dismissively, almost telling him that it was just a ‘Girl group’ thing. Relief washed over me though that I didn’t share a lot about him, behind his back.

I watched from the sideline as everyone introduced themselves to him and for a second it felt domestic as all of them shot me a concerned glance towards me. It felt like they would pounce at him if they saw that I was uncomfortable in his presence. While it made me feel loved in a way, I also didn’t want them to really chip on the situation. It was something that better dealt with in private as I felt like we had to talk lots of things through to get back to the friendship we left behind years ago. This wasn’t the setting for a conversation like that.

“ We should probably get home before it gets really late. School won’t wait in the morning. ” I spoke up before any of them could start questioning him. We would never be able to get going then. “ Maybe we can catch up sometime before the race? I’m sure you will have enough to do during the weekend. ” I turned back towards Marcus who looked just as relieved as I did seconds ago.

“ Yeah, that would be better. Maybe lunch, or a coffee in the afternoon? Whenever you’re free of course. ” He nodded a little, still glancing at the girls who were either packing up or staring him down behind me.

“ I’m up for either of those. Surprise me. ” I grinned at him, feeling the pull on my arm when everyone was ready. “ Is your number the same? ” I asked him, already taking a step back, but waiting for his answers.

“ Yes. Never changed. ” Marcus nodded again, a little smile playing on his lips at the idea that we’re going to meet up again probably. At least I hoped so. Why else would he stalk me down and come up to me for a chat?

“ I’m gonna text you in the morning when’s my last lecture. We can meet up after that. ” I told them, before turning around with one last wave and catching up to my group. I could only hope that they would at least let me sleep before the questions start pouring out of them all at once.

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artxyra · 4 years

Text

Her Little Robins

Note: So This was supposed to be a longer (damn near 8000 words) one-shot, but after much thought, I decided to break up the mini-stories that I had placed at the end and decided to upload them separately.

There is one person that Damian would even dare look up to and he hasn’t seen her since before his mother brought him overseas to his father. She was the closest thing he had gotten to a mother figure despite being the opposite. Within the League of Assassins, she was on par with his own mother, but she was just as untouchable. She barely had any free time, between taking on League missions and living her life in the outside world. No one knows how she even became involved with the League but there was one thing he knew for sure. It wasn’t long after his conception.

For the past year, he has been under the care of his father, the very person he doesn’t belong to. Even after a year, his father still doesn’t understand him. He shows his love differently. He doesn’t belong in this broken household. Damian wasn’t sure how he even managed with all the fighting. Though there is one thing he would never admit—is that he cares. Caring was one of many hidden traits he had picked up from her.

His father doesn’t know how to care for him, but at least he tries to. Which is more than he can say about his mother. She never cared, in fact, the only time she cared was placing him into her arms. The fresh smell of apple blossoms always calming him down. That scent was more home than anything he has ever been to.

The last time he saw her—was the first time he had ever cried. Her arms wrapped tightly around him as she tells him her goodbyes. Making promises that he knows would never be kept. She was leaving to save both of them—to save him. Damian could never admit it to himself, but the night she left was the night his grandfather had declared that Damian was of age to determine his loyalty. A trial that would surely end in his or her death.

He hated going to sleep that night. The cold welcoming his return. There was no apple blossom scent laying beside him. No hand caressing his hair as he fell asleep. No French lullaby that was specifically made for him being sung. Just the harsh winds.

“Be brave my petit oiseau. Luck will always guide you in your journey.” She whispers to him every night as he loses consciousness. Those words would forever stick with him. Just like his father’s statement “Justice not vengeance” would. Though he would prefer the one from her over any others.

It’s been three years since then.

Today he wasn’t sure what to do, the anniversary of her disappearance was approaching, and his father’s family still didn’t understand why he is crankier—or what they would say brattier—during this time. He just wants to be alone.

“My, my, petit oiseau, someone sure missed moi.” It was the way she always greeted him when he was little, and they were alone. Damian’s little legs would wrap around her own as she bends down to scoop him into her arms. When he was younger, he felt freer being around her. Her laughter was contagious. She would extend her pointer finger against his nose and giggles before blowing raspberries into his cheek which then caused him to laugh.

Instinctively, Damian curls into himself. He misses those feelings. Feelings that he’ll never get from his family at this rate.

So deep in his memories, Damian doesn’t remember entering the library, picking up a book, and finding comfort in the couch. He looks at the book that was opened in front of him. It was written in French. He has been in this room plenty of times and has skimmed every book at least once, so why does this book seem like a distance memory? The title was so familiar, but he couldn’t place it.

Behind him, he hears a gasp, “Little D, do you have any idea what that is?” Great, it was Grayson, the fourth person he didn’t want to see this evening.

“A book.” The youngest Wayne deadpans placing the book down on the couch and getting up to take his leave.

Before he could walk out of the door, he heard Grayson shout something, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care enough to listen.

As he walks back to his room, that French book stayed on his mind. The cover’s art style was unique, and it reminded him of her. She would draw him small artwork pieces and sometimes let him join her in the process, in fact, he still has the majority of the drawings that she and he made locked in a box underneath his bed. Then there was the book’s dedication page: “À tous mes petits oiseaux qui ont besoin de chance dans leurs moments les plus sombres.” That he could easily translate to: “To all my little birds who need luck in their darkest moments.” He needs to know more. Maybe that book holds the missing piece in finding her? He wants her back in his life, now more than ever.

However, that doesn’t explain how his father owns such a book. Let alone the reaction he had gotten out of Grayson just by holding the book.

~*~

“Hold on, you’re telling me that the demon reincarnated found Pixie’s book?” He heard Todd asks when he was on his way to the library. It was clear that Grayson had grabbed the book once he had left and gathered the rest of his non-blood-related siblings.

“Yes, that is exactly what I’m telling you. When I had entered the room to tell him that we are expecting a guest soon—which I couldn’t—he appeared to be in deep thought staring at the book. Like that isn’t usual at all.” Grayson explains and out of everything his older brother said, the word guest caught his attention. It was rare when his father invited people to the manor that has nothing to do with charity, galas, or potential business agreements. A guest usually signifies a Justice League member or a new sibling (something that he knows doesn’t need to happen).

“Isn’t this usually the time when the demon gets all moody?” When did Drake even pay attention to him? Of course, he is always moody, and he has good reasons for that.

“You actually pay attention to the little shit, Replacement? This is laughable, you’re usually the last one to notice anything.” Todd laughs to which Damian had the itching need to grab his katana and slice Jason in half. Though he had to agree, it was laughable as it was Drake who noticed it despite being in a coffee-induced haze for most of the time.

“Yeah, yeah,” Drake then pauses, probably to take a sip of coffee that will forever be in his hands. “That doesn’t explain how he would find Bean’s book interesting. Only those of us that have met her would find that book interesting as it’s—”

“We know!” Together Grayson and Todd scream.

“Look guys we can either keep hovering over the fact that Damian found her book or let it play out and see where it goes, just like Bruce and Alfred did for us.” Drake sounded tired which wasn’t usual but more tired than normal at this time of day.

“As much as I hate it, I agree with Replacement for this,” Todd responds without a doubt looking at Grayson when he said it.

Damian could hear Grayson sigh of defeat. The room goes silent just enough for Damian to make his presence known.

“What’s so important about the book?” He asks stepping across the threshold and eyeing the book that is in Grayson’s hand.

At once his brothers try to answer but one look at Damian’s face; they knew they could lie themselves out of it. So, they opted for the oldest to speak.

“Look, Little D, this book means a lot to the family. The fact that you picked up just gave an insight into something we didn’t think you would have.” Grayson starts to which Damian tsks and looks away. He hated having this much attention on him, and the short explanation still didn’t answer his question.

“Then what makes this book so important to the family, that I had no idea of its existence until today?” Damian growls through his teeth. His brothers only look between one another which only made Damian even more agitated. “You know what, never mind.”

“Damian—” Dick is cut off by the door slamming in his face. He could only sigh in defeat as the figure of his younger brother disappears.

“So, what now?” Tim asks before taking another sip of his coffee. It was clear that his older brothers don’t know what to do.

Jason decides that now is the best time to take the book from Dick and throws himself onto the couch. He begins to read the book as if it was his only source of peace.

~*~

For Jason, the book was the only close connection he had to her. She was the mother he always dreamed of, and he hated it when she would leave for long periods of time. He hated not taking her offer to live with her. Months before his death, she had asked him to live with her, be the caretaker of her apartment back in France, but he had declined. Being Robin was all he ever wanted, and she knew that, but he also knows that something spooked her. She never did ask that again after the first time, and it kind of saddens Jason a bit.

The night before his death, she had called him asking for him to stay safe. To not get cocky about anything while being away. Stay in contact with Bruce, in fact, she specifically told him not to leave Bruce’s side. He should have listened to her warnings that night. Just maybe he wouldn’t have died by the hands of the Joker.

When he was revived with the Lazarus Pit, one of the first things he acknowledged was the words “Qu'est-ce qui vous est arrivé mon petit Jaybird?” What happened to him? He didn’t know what was happening. He was feeling so many negative emotions at once that he couldn’t differentiate anything. The last thing he remembered from that encounter was a pair of lips pressing against his forehead. The next thing he knew, he was lost somewhere he didn’t know but he somehow knew he had to find himself.

When he came back to Gotham under the impression that Bruce and everyone around him needed to go, it wasn’t Bruce that stopped him. No, it was her. She appeared between them with tears streaming down from her mask. He couldn’t harm her, not after everything she had done for him. It felt so wrong to have his fingers itching to pull the trigger, but he couldn’t let it go. Bruce needed to pay for giving up on, for replacing him.

They didn’t even exchange words, her tears were enough. She walked over to him, taking the gun away from him and gently placing it on the ground. He felt so alone as she pulled him into her arms whispering the French lullaby, she sang to him when he was down.

Jason doesn’t remember what happened next after that, but what he does know was that he had woken up in the manor and Bruce and sitting in an armchair beside his bed. They didn’t speak to one another—why it was because they didn’t know what to start with. Hellos? No, they already knew each other. I’m sorry? Not even an option, they’re too stubborn to admit anything. It was just a moment of silence. Not for the dead but for all the pain that they were enduring.

As he read the familiar words, Jason wonders how his life would have been having she not been a part of his life. She always knew what to say and when to say it. Never judging them for wanting to be heroes vigilantes. She was the glue that kept this family together aside from Alfred, and they all miss her.

“Hey Jaybird,” Of course it was Dick who had to return and ruin the moment.

“What do you want? Can’t you see that I’m reading?” Jason doesn’t take his eyes away from the book, it’s not like he could have anyway. Her words always had a way of entrapping the reader until the very end.

“Bruce wants everyone in the living room.” Dick answers pointing to the open door that was close just minutes ago. Jason huffs and places the book back on the shelf.

“Alright, let see what B has in store for us.” Jason walks past Dick and into the halls. Dick just stares back at the location Jason had placed the book. He was tempted to go grab it, but he knows, keeping Bruce waiting sounds like a bad idea especially since he asked for the family.

~*~

In the living room, Damian sat moodily in the armchair. Arms folded and all. He would look up to glare at his family members still thinking that they were all beneath him in taking the Wayne name.

“So, tell us, Bruce, what is the real reason you have us all gather here?” Jason observed the way the room was structured. Alfred was standing next to Bruce like usual while everyone else just sits and waits for the other shoe to drop.

“It has come to my attention that Damian found M’s book.” Bruce turns to his youngest, who was clearly lost in thought. Something he never thought would happen to Damian. Then again this isn’t the first time it has happened. “Damian, have you ever meet a person under the name of Marin Etta? Marin? Mari?” With each name, Damian shakes his head.

For Damian, the names were foreign. She was always Tatie to him as she never really spoke of her real name. It was mention once, but it has been so long that he had forgotten. In fact, tatie was the first word she taught him in French before moving onto the basics.

“No father,” Damian denies and leans back into his seat. Bruce sighs.

“Little D, you must have met her.” Dick states pointing fingers.

“Before this becomes a brawl, I would like to announce that she’ll be sending gifts to the manor,” Alfred states causing the boys, aside from Damian, eyes to bug out. Tim had to rub his eyes to make sure that he was awake.

~*~

For Tim, she was more than someone he looks up to. She was a person that he could rely on and rant to. When he first arrived at the manor, yes, he was excited, but at the same time frightened beyond disbelief. She picked up on this and offer to take him to her favorite little coffee shop. To this day, Tim swears she owns the little cozy coffee shop that they always go to when they needed a break. Those visits were always just the two of them and no one else.

Tim remembers when he took up the Robin mantle, she was furious at Bruce and even yelled at him for bringing into the battle when he was just a child. He is sure that when the Joker first captured him it was her that found him and took out the Joker, not Bruce. The only proof that he had from that encounter was Bruce looking like he was chewed out by his mother once he had recovered.

She was more than just a team member—she was family. The person that introduced him to the secret of making the right coffee. Something that everyone around him would look down upon. To Tim, coffee was more than his life source; it was a reminder of everything she ever did for him. It was one of the few connections he had to her and he doesn’t want to lose that.

So just being told that she is sending them gifts was such a surprise. She never just sends random gifts; her gifts were always well thought out. Planned for the person receiving the item. Tim had once received a coffee recipe book, something that he vows never to use unless she is with him. He couldn’t risk is family taking away another source of coffee for him.

Sure, they could go visit her whenever, but she never sticks around in one place. Tim remembers the time he tried to track her down and he came up with dead ends after dead ends. Not even Bruce could find her and he’s the world’s greatest detective.

~*~

“When do they arrive?” Dick had practically shouted earning Tim’s attention, something that is usually locked on coffee and or paperwork.

Alfred raises an eyebrow and shakes his head. Tim knows the family butler already knows the answer. It most likely that the gifts had already arrived, and he just wants to see them suffer over it.

“Master Damian please come with me.” Alfred requested to which everyone eyes the youngest Wayne. Damian was unsure what Pennyworth wanted with him and the fact that it was him and not his father, he was feeling anxious.

“Of course,” Damian answers getting out of his seat.

Dick watches the baby bird walk away from the family. He wasn’t sure what to expect from this encounter. Alfred rarely asks for them individually. Though he was heavily thinking about the presents his big sister figure may have brought him.

“Don’t even think about it, Dick.” Bruce grunts seeing the devious look in his oldest eyes. Dick blanches and turns around; he had some searching hacking to do. Knowing that Alfred would have hidden the items somewhere within the manor, he knew just where to start his journey. Years of being a part of the Wayne household has its perks, especially being trained by her to find all the hidden spots.

She was only a couple of years older than him. It never made sense to call her his aunt when they were so close in age. She was also the first person that Dick confided in after his parents’ deaths. She was with Bruce when he went that show, and she was first to comfort him even before the cops could take his statement. To traumatize by what he just saw, he didn’t comprehend the lullaby she was singing in French to soothe him.

Dick would never forget how she took it a part of herself to make sure that the manor felt like a home. Bruce was gone every night tracking down Zucco. She made sure he didn’t feel alone, uncared for. If it wasn’t for her, Dick doesn’t know what would have happened to him.

“Les étoiles sont brillantes ce soir, Dickie.” The stars are bright tonight, she had once said to him the night he was thinking about running away. He had everything packed and all he needed to do was open that window and jump out. Her voice caught him by surprise, so much that he had almost forgotten what he wanted to do.

In the end, he cried his heart out to her and she let him do it. He doesn’t remember what happened next, but the next day Bruce actually showed up for breakfast and sat down with them. It wasn’t long after that that he would become Robin.

~*~

Damian didn’t know why Alfred was leading him outside the manor. It’s not like he had forgotten to take care of Alfred the cat and Titus. Alfred stops short of the gazebo that is rarely in use unless someone plans on making a romantic dinner date of some kind. Damian was about to ask Alfred why they are here when a familiar feminine voice speaks. This voice was etched into his brain and before he knew it his arms were wrapped around a person’s torso.

“My, my, petit oiseau, someone sure missed moi.” He didn’t want to look up, too afraid for this to be a dream. Damian didn’t care if his cheeks were becoming wet, he just wanted to hold her tight. Never letting go. “Petit oiseau, oh how you have grown.” She speaks again, her hands caressing his hair to which he doesn’t complain.

“Tatie, tu me manques tellement.” Damian cries out hiding his face into her shirt. Moments later, he looks up to be greeted by the bluebell eyes that he loved so much. He never realized how much her eye color reminds him so much of Bruce’s. Though her eye color holds so much love and emotions, more than what he can say for Bruce’s.

“Petit oiseau, I am here now. How are you? Have you been treating your father well? Oh, Dami, I knew I should have taken you with me.” She says as she walks them over to the bench and sits down. She could see that Alfred was standing off to the side smiling at the duo.

Alfred then mouths, “I’ll leave you two be” to her, to which she nods and turns her attention back to Damian.

~*~

Returning the manor, Alfred was greeted by an excited Dick and Jason. He knew what they wanted; they wanted the gifts, but the gift is currently outside hugging her surrogate son.

“Master Richard and Master Jason, is there something you need?” He asks with an eyebrow raised. Alfred was known for a lot of things—he is required too in order to keep the manor afloat.

“Hey, Alfred, where is Little D, and how soon we will be receiving those gifts?” Dick asks as he and Jason share a forced smile. Alfred wasn’t buying it.

“Moments after the young master is done receiving his own.” With that, Alfred walks off with a smirk plastered on his lips.

All the Wayne men in the room look at one another.

“Hold on, did he just say that the Demon Spawn, is receiving his gift right now…what the flying fuck did he get?” Jason screams out and he would have stalk after Alfred if it wasn’t for Bruce’s glare practically telling his son not to do it, so instead, Jason huffs.

“It can’t be anything good if it’s for the demon,” Tim states finally coming alive from his coffee-induce haze. The teen was unsure of what was happening, but he knows it was a tense situation.

“We’ll wait for Damian to come to us.” Bruce says, “If the gift is dangerous, we’ll take matters into our own hands.” That was enough to prevent his sons from going after their younger brother.

~*~

Damian was having the time of his life being close to his tatie. He spoke to her with so much enthusiasm about his pets, mentioning his dreams in opening up an animal shelter, all the pranks he did on his brothers. Damian even showed her pictures of Titus and Alfred the cat was which is something he rarely does; heck, he doesn’t really show pictures of his animals to Jon, his best friend.

“That is wonderful, Damian.” She spoke with such a light laugh.

“Hold on, Tatie, how did you know that I was here?” Realization finally settles as Damian wraps his head around the fact that she knew where he was. They haven’t seen each other in three years and surely, she didn’t find his mother and demanded answers.

She sighs and allows Damian to sit up from his resting position. “Damian, I knew you were Bruce’s child since before you were born. There is a reason why I love that you call me Tatie because I am your aunt. Bruce is my older brother. My real name is Marin Etta Wayne, but most people call me Marinette.” She explains staring into his forest green eyes. Tears swell in her eyes almost like she was afraid to tell him everything.

Damian didn’t know how to react. Happy? Furious? Confused? He was so conflicted that he was rendered speechless. This person has been in his life since birth, has done more for him than his own parents, was actually his biological aunt.

Instead of reacting out of anger, he wraps his arms around her and mumbles a series of thank you in various languages. Her explanation solidifies the fact that she’ll never leave him.

“Je t'aime, mon petit oiseau.” She whispers to him.

They stay in silence until Alfred makes himself known with a loud cough. Damian had fallen asleep in her arms to which she was happily content with holding him. She looks up and gestures for Alfred to come closer.

“It seems that the young master enjoyed his gift,” Alfred states looking at the sleeping eleven-year-old. Marinette moves to scoop Damian into her arms. He was a lot heavier than when he was six. After getting into a comfortable position, she turns to Alfred.

“Has Brucie done this for him, before?” She asks as they begin to walk back to the manor.

“On occasion, usually when he is late coming in as Robin. Though it is nice to have you around again, Marin Etta, your presence always begin joy to the family.” Alfred answers, “Are you staying for the night?”

“Not tonight, Alfie. I’m sure the boys will go crazy over Damian’s gift until they see what it actually is. I’ll give them a shock tomorrow and stay for the rest of the week. Vic is helping Helena with some things, so I got time to spare for once.” She replies explaining her reasoning.

Alfred simply raises an eyebrow, he knows she’s withholding information from him, but he also knows that she will do anything to keep her problems under wraps. That’s the reason why she never told Bruce she was Ladybug until after the defeat of Hawkmoth and the creation of her vigilante persona, Kismet.

“In that case, I’ll take the young master and put him to bed. I will see you in the morning.” Marinette hands him Damian who didn’t want to leave her. He managed to tighten his grip around her despite never once waking up. Only after did she whisper promises of seeing him the next day did he release his hold on her and latch onto Alfred.

When Alfred walked inside with the sleeping Damian, he was bombarded by those he considers grandchildren. Jason was beyond in disbelief to see a koala version of the demon that usually glares at them. Tim thought he was hallucinating to the point where he pours the remains of his coffee out the window and walked away sluggishly. Dick was cooing and taking pictures, more than likely saving them for blackmail material. Bruce was wondering what put his youngest to sleep before even going on patrol. He knows that Alfred knows but getting information out of the butler is an impossible task.

“I guess Robin will not be joining us tonight?”

“That is correct, sir. The young master had tired himself out with his gift today. Shall I put him to bed or would like to do that honor?” Alfred answers readjusting the pre-teen in his arms. Bruce nods and takes Damian away from Alfred. It was moments like these that he misses. When his sister was younger, he would hold her and just holding her made him feel complete. Holding Damian was similar in feeling considering his height and weight.

~*~

Dick, Jason, and Tim were jealous of Damian. He had received his gift the day before and here they were sitting at the dining room table waiting for Alfred to show up. Damian had this smug look on his face the second his brothers bombarded him with questions regarding his present. He doesn’t give any indication that it was a person but an animal. That got his brothers to leave him alone for a moment.

Bruce had been the last person to enter the room. He was working on Wayne Enterprise paperwork that should have been completed earlier but wasn’t. Alfred walks in with a tray of food. As he set the plates down, they immediately took notice of an extra plate. Before either of them could question the butler, they heard someone say, “Bonjour mes amours!”

Before anyone could react, Damian runs out of his chair and into her arms. He wraps his arms around her and glares at his family members, daring them to come at her.

“My, my, petit oiseau, someone sure missed moi.” She chuckles returning the hug to the younger male. Damian doesn’t say anything, he just stays in her arms.

While the family stares in shock of seeing Damian showing emotions, it was also the shock at the arrival of the one person that hoped to show up soon.

“Mari!” A series of excited shouts echo through the room. Jason was the next person out of his seat and trying to push Damian away for space. Damian fought back, nearly biting Jason’s hand just so he could stay in his tatie’s arms. Jason glares his younger brother.

“Oh c’mon, there’s enough of me to go around.” She chuckles sending Jason a sheepish smile, “Dami, can you let go so that I could hug Jay-Jay and the others?” She looks down at the young boy, only to feel that his grip had tightened around her. She knows that he would not let go. “Dami, I promise to make you some of my infamous shortbread cookies.” At that request, Damian reluctantly lessens his grip.

“You imbeciles only have one minute with her,” Damian growls turning to his family acknowledging the fact that they also know his tatie. “59, 58, 57…” He starts to count down.

The older Wayne children knew he was serious, and they immediately jump to hug Marinette. Dick was smothering her having taken onto wrapping himself around her torso. She manages to stay afloat by resting Jason and Tim who were side hugging her. It surprised her that it wasn’t Jason who had the running start but wasn’t shock that it was Dick instead.

“10, 9, 8…” They all heard Damian continue. The moment the young Wayne managed to get to zero, he let out a battle cry and begins pushing his brothers out of his way. Damian latches himself onto her and glares at anyone that came within a certain radius of her.

“How the hell does the demon know Pixie, when he literally had no clue who she was yesterday,” Jason shouts as the excitement of seeing Marinette dies down among everyone.

Marinette chuckles and scoops Damian into her arms. If it was anyone else, Damian would have squirmed, complained, and demanded to be let down, but this is his tatie and he has little care for what his brothers think of him right at this moment.

“That’s because all Dami has ever known me to be was Tatie.” She explains as Damian grumbles into her neck.

“Wha!” The boys yell stimulatingly to which Marinette looks everywhere but at her nephews.

“How about this, let's finish eating the wonderful breakfast Alfred made first, then I will explain it all afterward.” She suggests walking over to the table as everyone behind her follows. They know to not disagree with her. She has just as much power as Alfred and could most likely get away with murder.

While they ate breakfast, there was growing tension. Everyone, aside from Alfred, Marinette, and Damian, wanted answers. Bruce watches his sister eat her portion of breakfast; he knows something was going on. Then he saw how quickly his youngest reacted to her like there was some form of bond that they share that he didn’t with his own son. Bruce isn’t that dense; he knows that without her his life would be filled with so much darkness and pain. She made everything tolerable, kept the family together even in their darkest of days.

When breakfast ended, they all gather in the living room. Titus trotted over to his owner and lay beside him.

“So, who’s first?” She asks as she pets Titus’s head as he was close to her and he let her.

“Back to my question before, how the hell do you know the demon?” Jason practically shouts pulling his ear.

“I’ve practically known about since his birth. Actually… even before he was even born. I knew Talia was up to something when she was constantly trying to get into Bruce’s good graces. As we all know, my ability to sense something is wrong is almost never incorrect. So, I followed her to the League of Assassin under a new identity. I was about to leave, but then she announces that she was carrying the league’s heir. I knew the child was going to Bruce’s.” She turns to Damian with a sad smile on her face. To this day, she hated the way Damian came into this world, but she would never give him up for anything.

“You side missions?” Bruce wonders aloud.

“Yes, when I wasn’t with the miraculous court or with the JL, I was with Damian watching after him. I became his caretaker when Talia took it upon herself to be his mentor rather than a mother. Did you know I was the first person to hold him? He had such a small tuft of hair.” Damian blanches when she started to gush about his childhood. He likes to keep that under wraps, but he wasn’t going to complain.

“Are you back for real…now?” It was Tim that has asked that.

“Oh, my petit oiseau de café, I’m here to stay. I can’t have you running Gotham without me.” Marinette answers with a wink, but she can tell by the looks of deadpan facials from the males she knew that they didn’t buy it. “I’m staying until the court needs me. That and I’m sure Kismet can bring a little luck to this city of darkness.”

“With that answer…welcome home, Sunshine!” Dick screams with excitement before flinging himself to his sister figure. Marinette catches the taller bird and laughs. However, the embrace didn’t last long as Damian pushes Dick off of her and takes over the filled space.

“Oi, she’s mine, you dolts, get your own.” Damian hiss at his brother who looked beyond offensive.

“Oh, hold on!” They all shouted, “We knew her first, you little demon.” This quickly became a tug-of-war for Marinette, who looks sheepishly between the boys, but she couldn’t help but laugh.

The second, Marinette was able to slip away from his nephews, she made her way over to Bruce. They didn’t say anything, though Bruce did hold his arms out waiting that that hug that they always do. Their embrace was not a short one.

“I miss you, Bruce.” She mumbles into his shirt.

“I miss you too, M.” Bruce pauses placing a kiss onto her forehead. “So, tell me about what happened in Brazil?” Marinette’s eyes widen at that request. She knew she had to come up with something fast, but she also knows that her big brother wouldn’t let that go. Brazil was an authorized JL mission that she joined Question and Huntress on, that didn’t end well per se.

“Oh, look the boys are about to break something.” She squeals turning their attention to the four brothers still wrestling on the floor. Sure enough, a loud crash is heard.

Bruce groans and wanted to yell at his sons for being too rough, but this was a typical morning. The boys would rough house at least three times a day before they all separated. Then again, it really depends on whether Jason and Dick decide to stay at the manor for long periods of time.

“Boys!” Marinette shrieks getting their attention to which they had the audacity to pretend that nothing had happened. They don’t want to play that game with her. There is a reason why she rules the manors better than Bruce.

“Yes, Tatie,” Damian speaks up first resisting the urge to run over to her and hug her in an attempt to make his brothers jealous. Who was he kidding, he would totally do that anyway just for the hell of it.

His brothers glance at him; however, it was clear that Jason was glaring more so than anything.

“What?” Damian shrugs, “She clearly wanted our attention, isn’t that right, tatie?”

Marinette sends Damian a smile that the family knows all too well, that smile was not her usual friendly ones, it was sinister. “Oh, petit oiseau, you have no idea. Now, it still early in the morning, and I don’t want to spend my first day with the family babysitting you four, or do I need to call the girls have girls’ day with them instead?”

The looming threat of having the girls spend time with Marinette instead of them was enough for everyone to nod in agreeance.

“Now who wants to be the first to read my newest family book?” Bruce silently raises his hand which she sees out of the corner of her eye. Digging into her purse she pulls out a new book with an enchanting cover with the title written in French. She then hands it to Bruce despite the cries of protest from her nephews.

“I saw his hand first, actually I saw Alfred’s first, but he already read it. Didn’t you, Alfie?”

“Of course, I did, Miss Marin Etta, it was another novel that will go into the family history.” He smiles at her, to which Marinette sends him a blushful smile.

“Thank you, Alfie. Now, who’s up for a family drawing session?” This time the boys gather around her. Damian hisses at his brothers daring them to come any closer as practical koala himself into Marinette’s arms. Jason stares at the little traitor, planning his downfall.

“I should have introduced Damian to her when he first arrived. That would have saved us so many headaches.” Bruce groans happily acknowledging the sudden change in his youngest at the sight of his sister.

“That would correct, sir. Shall I prepare you some tea and scones while you read Marin Etta’s book?”

“Yes, thank you, Alfred.” Bruce pauses for a moment to open the book, he is immediately greeted with the dedication page, a smile appears on his face, “Actually Alfred, how about you go spend time with M and the boys after you’re done.”

“Are you sure, sir?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I know you miss her just as much as the rest of us.”

Bruce turns his attention back to the dedication pages that read, “Une famille qui se bat ensemble reste ensemble même quand tout semble perdu.” A family that fights together stays together even when everything seems lost.

Tag List: *View my Tagging System guidelines for how to to be properly tagged or removed.

#maribat #sibling brucinette #auntinette #ml x dc #mlb x dc #ml crossover #dc crossover #this started because I wanted yearning batbros and clingy damian #I regret nothing

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world-of-puppets · 3 years

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Puppetry Lost Media

In honour of reaching 50 followers last week (now 55 followers, as of writing this) I decided to cover two subjects of great interest to me: puppetry (of course) and lost media.

Everybody online loves a good old bit of lost media. Whether it be being a part of the many searches for the media in question, or watching documentaries about them on sites like YouTube. I’ve been mildly addicted to the latter kind of content for a while. From what I’ve seen, though, there aren’t many videos or articles out there specifically covering lost puppetry. So, in no particular order, here are a couple of pieces of lost puppetry I found while scrolling through the lost media wiki.

銀河少年隊 - Ginga shounen-tai AKA Galaxy Boy Troop (1963 - 1965)

Osamu Tezuka is one of the most pioneering figures in Japanese art and animation. Starting as a manga artist in the 1940s inspired by the animated works of American studios such as Walt Disney and the Fliecer Brothers, he adapted and simplified many of the stylistic techniques of both artists to create his own signature style of big shiny eyes, physics defying hair and limited animation. A style that would go on to heavily influence the world of anime and manga as a whole.

But animation and graphic art were not the only mediums Tezuka would dabble in. Ginga Shounen-Tai, or Galaxy Boy Troop in english, was a television series that aired on the public broadcast channel NHK from April 7th, 1963 to April 1st, 1965. Running for 2 seasons with a total of 92 episodes.

The series was a mixture of marionette characters that utilised the Supermarionation marionette technique, popularised by Jerry Anderson’s Thunderbirds, and limited traditional animation. The story revolves around a child genius named Roy who leads a rag-tag group of heros around the galaxy in a rocket ship in order to revive the earth’s sun and later protect it from alien invaders.

Out of the 92 episodes that aired, only episode 67 still exists in its entirety with French subtitles, and the full episode can be found on YouTube with English subtitles uploaded by user Rare TezukaVids. According to user F-Man on the Tezuka in English forums, footage of episode 28 exists but with no audio, and episode 87’s animated segments exist without the marionette segments. F-Man also claims the reason for Galaxy Boy Troop’s disappearance is due to Tezuka not being proud of the series and having all episodes of it destroyed.

Personally, I think it’s a shame that pretty much all of this series is gone. From what I’ve seen in episode 67, it looks really charming. Tezuka’s signature character design style was adapted suprisingly well to marionettes, and the puppetry itself isn’t that bad either. I love the little face mechanisms like the blinking eyes, flapping mouths and others. It gives the puppets a lot of personality and charm. Like, just look at this old mans eyebrow mechanism and tell me you wouldn’t want to watch 92 episodes of this show;

Tinseltown (2007)

Tinseltown was a 15 minute sitcom pilot created by the Jim Henson company under thier Henson Alternative banner. The pilot was commissioned by the Logo Network and aired as part of the Alien Boot Camp programming block in 2007.

The pilot (and likely the series, had it been picked up by the logo network) features a cast of both puppets and live actors as characters. The premise revolves around Samson Kight, an anthropomorphic bull preformed by Brian Henson and drew Massey, and his partner Bobby Vegan, an anthropomorphic pig prefomed by Bill Barretta and Michelan Sisti, as they attempt to balance thier lives working in Hollywood with life as parents to thier sullen 12-year-old foster son, Foster, played by Paul Butcher. Other human characters included Mia Sara as Samson’s ex-wife Lena and Francesco Quinn as the family’s manservant Arturo.

The Tinseltown pilot used to be available on the Logo Network’s YouTube channel, but was later removed for unknown reason. Since then, the pilot has not been made available online. However the characters Samson and Bobby have made appearances in other Henson related works, such as the improv stage show Stuffed and Unstrung, where they played the role as the shows producers, and in a 2011 video on the Jim Henson Company YouTube channel celebrating Jim Hensons 75th birthday.

I find Tinseltown pretty interesting as I feel like it should be more noateable or known, considering that this is (as far as my knowledge goes) the first Jim Henson Company project featureing openly lgbtq characters as its leads, and would have been the first Henson show to do so had it been picked up. As someone who’s interested in lgbtq+ representation in creative media such as animation, I realised that there’s not many examples of canon lgbt characters in puppetry. The only ones aside from Samson and Bobby I could think off the top of my head would be Deet’s Dads from The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance and Rod from Avenue Q. Though, obviously, there could be more I’m not currently aware of. I don’t think the Tinseltown pilot was a masterpiece or anything. After all, there’s probably a couple of good reasons Logo didn’t pick it up for a full series. But I think it be cool if either Henson co. or Logo made this available online again, if just so we could appericate it as an interesting little footnote in the history of lgbtq rep in puppetry.

With that said, considering the pilot’s obscurity and the fact that it’s main couple haven’t been used in any Henson Related projects in almost ten years, as well as the possibility that there may be legalities preventing the Henson company from releasing it such as Logo still owning the rights, it’s unlikely we’ll see the Tinseltown pilot anytime soon.

Sonic Live in Sydney (1997 - 2000)

Sonic the Hedgehog is a fictional character no stranger to multiple interpretations of him and his universe across a diverse range of media. From the more light-hearted and comedic stylings of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog and Cartoon Networks Sonic Boom cartoon series, to more serious faire such as the Sonic SatAM cartoon and the Sonic Adventure videogame duology. One of the more obscure and stranger adaptations of the character came in the form of Sonic Live in Sydney, a one an a half hour live show hosted at the former Sega World Sydney amusement park in Darling Harbor, Sydney, Australia. Originally beginning as a live show with actors in meet-and-greet style costumes, the show eventually was replaced with a puppet show during its last two years.

The shows plot was set in an alternate timeline whos continuity was a mix of the SatAM cartoon and Sonic the Hedgehog 3, where Doctor Robotnik’s Death Egg crash lands in Sydney, Australia instead of Angel Island and attempts to take over before being foiled by sonic and friends. According to Phillip Einfeld of Phillip Einfeld Puppetoons, the company that made the puppets, Sega felt the costumed actor version of the show wasn’t dynamic enough, and wished to replace it with a version featuring live puppets with animatronics. Both versions of the shows plot are identical.

While Sonic Live in Sydney’s soundtrack is available on YouTube, and some photos of the show are available on the Lost Media Wiki, no footage of either the costumed actors version or the puppet show version have resurfaced. The show was closed down in 1999, possibly due to cost, shortly before the Sega World park as a whole in 2000. So unless there is someone out there who viseted the show between 1998 or 1999 who recorded the show via a handheld camera, footage of both incarnations of the show are likely forever lost to time.

On a personal note, I don’t have much to say on this one other than how gloriously peek gaudy 90s Sonic the set/puppet design is. I have no doubt finding footage of these puppets in action would truly be a silly delight to behold...

Legend of Mary (year unknown)

This one is a little different from the other entries on this list as while the film itself in its entiraty is available on YouTube for anyone to view, the information surrounding Legend of Mary, specifically its year of release, remains a mystery as of writing this.

I have mentioned the film before on this blog so I’ll keep it brief here: in summary, Legend of Mary is a short film retelling of the Nativity featuring the Rod puppets of Austrian puppeteer Richard Teschner. the video was uploaded to YouTube by user canada 150 archive. I looked up the people credited in the film and was able to find most of them, but didn’t find Legend of Mary listed in thier credits, and was unable to find the film on sites like IMDB, tMDB or Letterboxd. I reached out to Canada 150 archive asking if they had any info regarding the Legend of Mary’s release date, and after a coupe of months, they replied saying they didn’t know.

And that’s as far as I got on my search for answers, if anyone of you guys has any information regarding Legend of Mary, then it be of huge help in finding the release date.

Sam and friends (1955 - 1961)

Sam and friends was the very first puppetry television series created by Jim Henson alongside his colabarator and future wife Jane Nebel. filmed in Washington, D.C. and airing twice daily on WRC-TV and the NBC affiliate in Washington, D.C. from May 9, 1955, to December 15, Sam and Friends would mark the first apperence of Kermit (though not yet as a frog) and paved the way for Henson’s iconic and revered legacy in the realm of puppetry on film and television.

With the impact this show had in mind, it may come as a shock to some that almost half of Sam and Friends, specifically, 42 of the 86 episodes, are considered lost. With 16 existing, 8 documented, 9 known from memory, plus 8 existing Esskay commercials and 1 memory-known Esskay commercial. Some taped episodes have been shown at venues such as the museum of the moving image while others have been erased. It’s unknown if copies of these erased episodes still exist.

This post would become far to long if I were too list every episode missing from Sam and Freinds, but if your curious, the lost media wiki article has a comprehensive list of all lost episodes.

Annnd that about it for this post. This type of content is pretty different from the stuff I usually post. So I’m egar to see what you guys think about it. If you enjoyed this article, want to see more like it or have ideas for what puppetry-related topics I should cover in the future. And again, thank you all so much for helping me reach 55 followers. Your support really does mean a lot to me, and I hope you enjoyed this as a follower milestone gift.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed this dip into lost puppetry, and have a happy holiday season!

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halalhyungwon · 3 years

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check-in tag ♡ @okaysign 💕

1. why did you choose your url?

bc hyungwon <3

2. any side blogs? if you have them name them and why you have them.

i have a handful but I don't use all of them that much

@jaeyooniverse - sf9, created mostly bc i wanted a place to spam jaeyoon LMAO other the main im on this one the most

@dawonlog - dawon update blog, i fell off a bit bc I got busy and also just don't like trying to keep up with everything, but I missed it so im kinda back to using it now

@pynkwonu - pink/aes blog. used to also post/reblog fics there but haven't really done that in a long while

@daze-like-this - another aes blog. still not entirely sure how to describe it but I think it's nice lol

@svnshine - another main, an aes blog & also a space for more Islamic posts. I tend to go on there when I get tired of this one or just need a clearer headspace but still wanna mindlessly scroll thru tumblr? lol honestly I think it's been almost a year since I when on this one tho

@4-matcha - ..for matcha 💀 idk I just wanted to make a matcha blog. I used to post/upload regularly but now it's a miracle if I reblog anything there once a month

@wonufleur - for art/gfx, resources/references,,, never used it regularly tho

@wordshenanigans - langblr, language learning resources, don't really use this anymore esp since i dont follow a lot of active langblogs but on occasion I come across a post that id like to save for reference so I put it here

@lqvav for vav screencaps and occasionally updates,, dead tho;-;

@jihoonloveblog for jihoon 🥰 unofficially closed, we haven't posted in forever lol

@smilesf9 for smiley sf9 content,, look i really wish I could've actually kept up with this i kinda wanna try to bring it back 😭

@sanqyeonn officially closed lol my tbz blog which I used to be on as much as my sf9 blog sdkhdjdh

@hotdog-guy i made this mostly as a joke but for my little brother bc he used to really like the hotdog guy meme so I'd keep posts there to share with him

i also admin and am a member for some nets idk if that counts for this and ive already said so much so ill stop there lmao

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

I made my blog in 2014 but didn't really start using it til 2015

4. do you have a queue tag?

I dont really queue on here and when I do im not consistent I don't always tag. when I do tag I just put #queue or #(this is a queue)

my tbz blog had such cute queue tags🥺 and my sf9 blog has a good handful of tags too

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

it was a joke lol I told my friend we should make a blog together and my first url was actually a mashup of our names

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

bc hyungwon <3

7. why did you choose your header?

bc hyungwon <3

8. what’s your post with the most notes?

probably that clip of vernon going YES

9. how many mutuals do you have?

I've never counted lol but last time I did a follow forever thing I think there was over 30 and that was a few years ago so I guess it's more now ?

10. how many followers do you have?

800 something

11. how many people do you follow?

1070 i think

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

lmao probably

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

too much lmao i should uninstall the app again

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

i don't think so? I remember someone started arguing with me/complaining on one of my posts but I ignored them lmaoo

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts?

I usually end up scrolling if a post says that unless I think the info actually is something to be shared. but then I usually try to look for a post that presents the info in a way I actually like lol

16. do you like tag games?

yes !

17. do you like ask games?

yes !

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

kkkkkk @fanaas is the first that comes to mind but yeah like you said there's a diff btwn popular/famous. i think a handful of my moots are popular at least within their fandoms

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

same liz, a friend crush !

20. tags?

ummm no I don't think I'll tag anyone. but thank you for tagging me !!! 🥰❤❤

#thanks for tagging me !#i feel like i rambled a lot so..enjoy #also apologies for any typos im tired #me:rambling #tagged

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cavemanmark · 3 years

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i've edited, rearranged and constantly contemplated over so many parts of this post for like a week now because i am not good with words and i tend to overthink what i want to say, but....this is gonna have to be the final draft :') it is very long and personal so i'm gonna put it under a read more:

I've had anxiety disorders as well as depression for years now. I always felt that that was just all of who I was as a person for the longest time. That I shouldn't even try anything because it would be useless as long as my mental health is like this. Even though I've continuously tried pulling myself up from the shit that has happened in my life, it's only gotten me so far. Then, last November, I jumped into Unus Annus. When Mark and Ethan both uploaded their respective videos I was thinking "Hey, this looks like a weird and fun way to pass the time." I really had no idea how this journey was going to go. And I certainly didn't know how attached I'd be by the end either.

The channel has been a literal lifeline for me. No matter how bad shit got this year, it was always a comforting constant to look forward to each day. It’s also really taught me and showed me that I can do things. Actually do things. If I have an idea, I have so much more capability than I realize to go through with it. Even if it doesn't work out the way I specifically envisioned, I still did it. I can finally say, "I did that thing!"

I want to continue with that mindset after the channel's gone because I feel like I owe it to myself to finally get better. I've been stuck within my own head for way too long. A lot of things factored into helping me realize I can't keep living like that and Unus Annus has been a major one. I'm really appreciative of how it's helped pushed me in the right direction.

I know I'm starting to wax poetic about a channel where multiple videos involved pee, it's hilarious, but I really am gonna miss the daily shenanigans. I'm so glad I was here to experience everything. I met a lot of new pals through this too and y'all have been absolutely amazing. The gifs, the art, the memes; y'all are some of the most talented and also the funniest mfs out here lmaooo...💖

Anywho...I'm not sure how to finish this. I haven't written an essay-length note like this since high school🤭 and I'm probably forgetting a lot of things I wanted to talk about. But I don't think there's a completely perfect way to convey that I've had the time of my life this year. It wasn't the year that I wanted, but it was the year that I personally needed. Thank you to everyone I've met and seen on here. Thank you to Mark, Ethan, Amy, Evan, all the editors; literally everyone who was involved in Unus Annus in some way, for changing my life for the better. I will be forever grateful.

Time will continue to pass and with that the memories will fade, but the myriad of feelings I felt during this time will definitely stay.

"Memento Mori" We said.

"Remember death."

Now we can say "Memento Vivere"

"Remember to live."

🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍

#personal.txt #feel free to rb this i don't particularly mind tbh #unus annus

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padme-parker · 4 years

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no regrets [AU!Anakin Skywalker x Reader]

Summary: You leave Anakin, only a letter in your place.

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: some swear words I think, angst, mentions of cancer, some fluff if you look hard enough, this is pretty fucking cliche btw!

A/N: so I was listening to Lewis Capaldi’s discography and that shit was so sad. Like all of his songs are so fucking sad that it inspired me to write this. Mainly the songs: “Forever”, “Fade.”, “Before You Go.” and “Headspace.” (I highly suggest listening to his songs while ur reading!) along with a handful of songs I was listening to while writing this. Also this is my first time uploading my writing so forgive me if it's all over the place. I was just excited to write this lol.

The thumping of the bass made his ears ring, that’s the first thing Anakin noticed when he got home. He was totally and completely shitfaced, drunk out of his mind. The next thing he noticed was the deafening silence. Sure, it was midnight but he knew how much of a night owl you were. He also knew how much you loved to paint at night, a slight breeze from the open window, and music quietly playing in the background. Loud enough just to be heard by the two of you, quiet enough so he could hear the stroke of your brush against the canvas. Oftentimes he would come up behind you, lightly grasping your hips and began to sway along to the music. And some nights he would just sit back and watch you. However tonight wasn’t one of those nights. Tonight would be different, and the next night, and the night after that. Anakin walked towards the bedroom, careful not to wake you just in case you were asleep. When he walked into the room, his eyes immediately searched for you, but landed upon emptiness, that’s when it caught his attention. The last thing he noticed was the envelope placed upon his pillow.

Grasping the envelope, Anakin took out its content. It was a letter, just for his eyes.

Dear Anakin,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Believe me, I wish I could’ve done this in person but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As I write this letter, you’ll be out celebrating with Obi Wan and Padme. Enjoying life, that’s what you should be doing. And I know it must be shitty to come home to this, but I just couldn’t leave while you were still here. There were so many things I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. But you deserve to know this.

The truth is, I don’t love you anymore, Anakin. I’m not sure when I fell out of love with you, but the one thing I knew was that I couldn’t stay and drag you down with me. Sometimes I wonder how we got here, how I got us here. Then I remembered why, him. In the past six months I met someone else. At first we were just friends. But there was something between us, a connection. The second I laid eyes on him, I knew that he was the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Yet, there you were. Anakin, you were- and still are my world, but he’s my whole fucking universe. Without him I feel like I’d cease to exist. Each day, the more I fell in love with him, the more I fell out of love with you. Until one day, I came to my senses and realized what the hell I was doing. All those days I spent with him, coming home late at night, you never questioned me. Stars Anakin, I’m so sorry I took advantage of your trust. I never thought we’d end up like this. I never thought this would happen.

You deserve to be happy. But we both know that’s not something I can give you. You deserve to be able to move on without ever having to see me again. That’s why I’ve decided to leave. Not just move out of the apartment, or town, but move out of state altogether. Please don’t come looking for me.

I want you to know that none of this is your fault. Anakin, I love you so much, but we’re just not meant to be. You were my epic love, not my soulmate. But remember, you’re still someone who had a huge impact on my life. I don’t think I could ever forget you, nor do I think that I want to. I know that even on my deathbed, I’ll be thinking of you.

Forever Yours,

Y/N

P.S. take the time you need Anakin, but don’t get hung up on me. There are people out there who love you, you just don’t see it yet.

He let out a sharp breath, dropping the letter, and began to sob. For the next hour, all he could do was cry. He struggled to breathe, he couldn’t believe what he was reading. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? Was I not enough? He wanted to scream, but chose not to, sparing his neighbors from hearing his sorrows. Anakin was spiraling, he was heaving now. Struggling to breathe he crawled out of his room and into the living room. Your painting materials still left in the corner, easel propped up, and miscellaneous pieces of art scattered across his home.

Anakin couldn’t escape from you, you were unknowingly ripping the air out of his lungs. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of you. It was ironic really, how was he supposed to move on if he had to see everything that reminded him of you.

A couple of years passed since you disappeared from Anakin’s life. He had moved on but deep down inside he never really did recover. He was sad at first, but then became angry. How could you use him like this? But of course, like you promised, there were people there for him. Obi Wan and Padme had always been there for him, especially Padme. She was the first one to check up on him when he wasn’t returning their calls. The first to get him to stop crying, the first to cheer him up, the first to get him to go out again, and the first person to say “I love you.” since you’d left. Anakin had felt like he was betraying you, he had fallen in love with someone who wasn’t you, but then he remembered what you did and said. He had the right to move on with someone else.

When Anakin felt like he was ready, six month after your breakup, he asked Padme to be his girlfriend. A year and a half later, he asked her to spend the rest of her life with him. Nine months later, they welcomed their twins into the world.

Both Obi Wan and Padme had been there by his side, along with Dean. He met Dean at the bar, both of them looking like shit. It started with a simple nod, then their small group of three now had four people. Dean became close to Obi Wan and Padme too, helping Anakin to return to his life before you left. It was going well until today.

Anakin moved out of his old apartment a long time ago. He donated most of your belongings and sold your paintings. Except for one. It was a painting that the two of you had created together. A minimal black outline of your silhouettes from your favorite photo together. Simple, but it had meaning to it. The picture itself was taken at a party, a drink in your hand while Anakins was thrown over your shoulder. You were smiling at the camera, drink aimed towards it. However, Anakin was looking at you, a big goofy smile on his face. If there was one memory of you he wanted to keep, it was that one. So instead of selling the painting, he kept it. Obviously he didn’t hang it up, instead he kept in it buried deep inside his closet. Only taking it out whenever he really missed you.

Even though he kept the painting, every aspect of you was completely erased. It’s like you never existed to him. Instead of lining the halls with pictures of the two of you, they were filled with pictures of Anakin and Padme. A small polaroid of them on their first date. A picture at the bar of Anakin, Padme, Obi Wan, and Dean. A bunch of wedding pictures. And finally, pictures of his family. He’d memorized every corner of his new home, never wanting to forget about it because he knew at any given moment, his life could be ripped from his fingers. Everything had been ingrained into his memory, from the toys scattered across the floor to the pristine kitchen. Where Padme was currently making dinner, “Hey Ani, you’ve got some mail, I put it on the table.” He walked towards the table and picked up the envelope, he could recognize your handwriting. Anakin felt like the world was playing a sick joke on him, after all these years, why would you write back now?

“Hey Padme, I’m gonna go change real quick.” He didn’t wait for Padme’s reply before he ran off to his closet, he knew he needed to be alone when he read its contents. Locking the door, he ripped open the envelope and took out your letter.

Anakin,

I know I’m probably the last person you want to hear from, but you deserve to know the truth. The real reason as to why I left. By the time you read this, I’ll be dead. Remember how I told you that I had met someone new? That was a lie. In those six month, I was at multiple doctors' offices getting tested. I knew something was wrong with me but none of the doctors could tell me why. Until one was able to. I had stage 3 ovarian cancer, the chances of me surviving were low. That’s why I left.

Anakin’s eyes went wide, the paper shaking in his hands. “Cancer… she has..” he whispered to himself, he could feel the tears starting to roll down his face. All this time, he hated her for something she never did.

I knew how much you wanted to have a family, and it was something I wanted to give you. But when I found out that I couldn’t do that, I knew you’d be crushed. This was something we both had dreamed of. It was easier for me to make up a lie. I wouldn’t allow myself to put the both of us through this pain. You shouldn’t have to bear my burdens. I wasn’t going to let you waste your life away trying to take care of me. So I hid the truth from you and left like a coward. Understand that I needed you to hate me, Anakin. That you wouldn’t come looking for me or just expect me to come back one day. Even though I did want to come back, I had to hold myself back. I knew you were going to move on eventually.

Do you remember the guy I was talking about? The one who I was so “madly in love with” that I left you? Yeah, well his name is Dean, He’s one of the nurses who was taking care of me during those six months, and for the past couple years he’s been my eyes. Anakin, I never fell out of love with you. Even as I lay on my deathbed, you’re all I can think about.

Dean says that you’ve moved on and married Padme. I’m going to be honest, at first I was shocked and a little sad. But then I remembered why I did this in the first place. Anakin, I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Even when we were still together I could tell how much love she had for you. She didn’t act on her feelings because I was still there, which I’m grateful for. But once I left, she saw the opportunity to comfort you, so she did. You looked at me like I was your whole world, but Padme, she looks at you like your her whole damn universe. Truth is, you weren’t my world, you’re my fucking universe Anakin, even if you don’t know it. You weren’t just my epic love, to me, you were my soulmate. But you and Padme? The two of you are soulmates, made for eachother. Dean has shown me pictures of the two of you. I’ve never seen you so happy, even when we were together. I know she brings out a side of you that I was never able to.

There was a point where I was getting better and I wanted to come back. To apologize and maybe try again, but Dean advised against doing so. At that moment in time, you had just proposed to Padme. Who was I to come back into your life just to take away your happiness? So I watched from afar. I watched as you went on with your life and completely forgot about me. And I did it with a smile on my face, because you were happy. Anakin, simply knowing that you were happy and content with your life made me happy, even if I wasn’t the cause of it. For a while, I was better. Then it got worse, my cancer got more aggressive. From there, I was condemned in my own home.

As the months went on, I got more sick and closer to death. After your wedding, Dean came over to my place and showed me videos of you and Padme. I couldn’t help but let out a few tears, you were getting everything you wanted. I really wish I could’ve been there to see you, Ani, but I wouldn’t want to ruin your wedding. I was so ecstatic for you when I’d heard that you were having a child! Twins nonetheless, you must’ve been radiating joy. I really am happy for you Anakin. I only wanted the best for you.

Do you remember the night on the rooftop? You cooked dinner for us on our two year anniversary. It was the most romantic thing anyone had done for me. Do you also remember what we promised to each other? “No regrets.” As simple as it was, I broke our promise, Ani. I regret not telling you. I regret leaving you. I regret ever hurting you. Anakin, I am deeply sorry for any pain I’ve caused you. But if I hadn’t left, you wouldn’t be where you are right now. Do you regret not looking for me?

Anakin stopped reading for a second to think, did he regret how things played out? He wiped his tears before continuing,

Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve loved to stay with you, Anakin, but I couldn’t let myself. I hope the universe will continue giving you what you want, because you deserve it, Ani. You deserve to be happy.

Forever Yours,

Y/N Y/L/N

P.S. somewhere across the stars and galaxies, I’ll be watching over you. I’ll always be with you.

Anakin dropped to the floor, the letter along with him. Muffled sobs could be heard on the other side of the door, but Padme was too preoccupied to hear. Why didn’t I go after her? Why didn’t I try harder? Why didn’t I notice? He asked himself. The truth was that Anakin did regret not going after you, he regretted not trying to get closure from you. Because he knew that if he had gone after you, you would’ve told him the truth. He knew you would tell him the truth because he knew that you couldn’t look him in the eyes and lie to him. That’s why you left, only leaving a letter behind. And he knew if you told him the truth, he would have forgiven you. He would’ve spent the rest of his life, right next to you. Making sure you were alright. Anakin knew he would’ve taken you back in a heartbeat, because he still loves you. Even after you falsely broke his heart and left him, his love for you outweighed the hate he felt.

He got up somberly walking towards the hidden painting. He took it into his hands along with another object. He sat back down, now clutching the memory to his chest. His heart felt heavy, but nothing felt heavier than the small black velvet box resting upon his grasp.

“No regrets, huh?”

(A/N): Okay so I know that the goodbye letter is all over the place, but if I was writing a letter to someone I love, my thoughts wouldn’t be able to process properly. So forgive me if some of it seemed random, I’m still new to this stuff. I also feel like this is very cliche but when I heard Forever, my mind was immediately like “omg this song is good inspo for a sad fic.” I also feel like I should’ve added more flashbacks but I’m not sure where they would’ve been placed.... anyways I hope you enjoyed it :)

#anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagine #anakin skywalker angst #anakin skywalker x reader angst #au!anakin #au!anakin skywalker #star wars

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5hadow-alpha · 3 years

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In The Moment

So this is really scary because I have never uploaded any of my writing before and I have not written for a long, long, long time. But @psychoseal reassured me that everyone was really nice so I’m taking a leap of faith after this has been sat on my laptop for about two weeks...

Like my Eos art, this is inspired by @eirabach‘s The Man Comes Around (Which I can’t figure out how to put a link to, sorry!), which was apparently enough to resurrect my zombie muse. I suppose they could tie in together actually!

Warning: there is a mention of an unnamed serious illness which I didn’t do any research into but I am aware that it can be a sensitive topic for some. I know how hard it can be seeing friends and relatives affected by illness so if it is too personal then drop me a message and I can offer support or take it down.

I also have the flamethrower nearby if you need to burn your eyes out afterwards because I have no idea if this is awful or not!

Okay, so I’m just going to leave this here and go and hide in corner...

“Eos, are you there?”

Decades ago, she would have scoffed at that question. Of course she was there, she was always there. But a long time had passed since she had come to the realisation that sometimes humans needed to ask obvious questions simply to hear the answer spoken out loud. It offered them clarity, confirmation, reassurance.

So her answer was simple, “Yes, John.”

He smiled up at the camera, wrinkles clawing at the corners of his eyes, “Of course you are.” He was silent for a long moment, just staring up at that black lens.

She stared back, waiting.

Patience was one of the hardest lessons she had been forced to learn since she had gained sentience. Her base programming, the code that John had designed as a game, was always urging her to keep moving. The next level constantly promised more excitement, more challenges. There was progress and improvements and adventure to be had at every new stage.

Now, however, she wished she had learned how to be patient a long time ago. If she had, she might have realised that rushing through all of those precious memories without savouring every moment might have just been the biggest mistake she had ever made.

Of course, she could replay those memories – everything she saw was recorded and stored on her hard drives. But they were never quite the same as experiencing them. Living them. Being in the moment. There was nothing that compared to the grateful smiles of the people they saved, or the rush of excitement when they went out into the field. There was nothing like the fond eye-rolls that John would give his stubborn and occasionally annoying brothers.

There was nothing that she could ever imagine feeling as good as watching over everything below them, just her and John amongst the stars.

She had thought that, in the moment, it would last forever.

She couldn’t have been more wrong.

Because amongst the stars was a dangerous place, and the dangers were not always visible. The doctors and her own research concluded that radiation did terrifying, horrendous things to human bodies even when protected by the Earth’s atmosphere. To John, who had spent so much time outside of the planet’s protective bubble…

And in this moment, as she watched him, she wished she hadn’t overlooked that unseen danger. Wished that for all her power and capability she had seen that John wasn’t invincible. Perhaps then, she could have made sure that her creator, her father, had necessary precautions that were so critical for his health.

It was too late for that now, though. That fiery red hair of youth had been extinguished by streaks of white ice. But like winter melting into spring, the ice was melting away, thinning. There couldn’t stop the pang of nostalgia when she saw he was still styling it in the same way he always had. The habits that humans maintained through their lives was something she had always found adorable. Laughter lines etched deep into his face, overlapping with the stress marks, like physical scars that matched the mental ones still lingering even now from all of those difficult rescues over the years. And there had been so, so many. But despite it all, those turquoise eyes still shone bright and alert and full of the cunning intelligence John was known for. Although now they often wandered and lost focus, turning their gaze inwards or to somewhere else entirely.

She hated it when he did that, because it meant he was somewhere that she could not follow.

Now his focus wandered again, but this time it was up to the stars. There were no clouds tonight, and she saw him looking for the constellations hung up in patterns that had always mesmerised him. Her processors tracked a satellite in low orbit, and even though John’s eyesight might not have been as strong as it once was, she could see him following the steady dot of light as it made its way across the horizon.

The sky was still the focus of his attention when he spoke again, “I want to go back home, Eos.”

She had to pause, process. His last round of treatments had been intense, but the preliminary reports were promising, at least for his short-term recovery. “The doctors say you can go back to Tracy Island in-“

“No. I want to go home. To Thunderbird 5.”

She adjusted the camera, refocused. Took a nanosecond to replay the footage and repeat his words. She had heard him correctly.

“John…” She had to be careful, so careful, “I don’t know if they’ll let you.”

He shot her a mischievous smile, that old twinkle sparkling in his eyes. His little brothers used to run a mile when they saw that look, “I’m sure you can do something about that.”

She paused to assess the situation. John’s condition hadn’t deteriorated too rapidly, he was still strong. The lack of gravity would take pressure off his recovering body.

Maybe, just maybe, she could.

#john tracy #eos #thunderbirds fandom #thunderbirds are go #thunderbird 5 #thunderbirds fanfiction

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gnar-slabdash · 3 years

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01.01: The Nigerian Job - Nate

Okay so the deal is I could NOT get my comments on this episode down to a single post so I’m going to make a post for each character. We’re gonna start with bae and you are forewarned that it is gonna be a lot of swooning. But before we get to the swooning, I have some QUESTIONS:

1. What was happening before the first scene? a) Was he actually going to be on a plane? Where to? Where from? Why is he in a hotel? b) Why also is he pouring one alcohol into another alcohol, I mean I love it, but why? He’s at a bar he could just ask them to put two alcohols together, its literally their job.

2. I wanna know what’s up with how impatient he is after the first job while the files are uploading, after being very cool and very invested so far. Conscience catching up? Exhausted and too long without a drink? I don’t know but I love how awful he looks all hunched over and anxious to get back to his bed and his bottle. Also I can just feel the early morning up too late sniffly cold in this scene it’s so well shot.

3. Anybody know enough about guns to tell me if the safety was really on?

4. When they’re in the hospital, all of a sudden Nate is out of the cuffs and eliot isn’t? Did I MISS a shot or did he just DO that casually offscreen? Because that would be incredibly awesome.

5. I know this is just for the dramatic irony later on, but it bothers me so much that supposedly “everybody knows” the deets about Sam and IYS . . . . . EXCEPT, as we later find out, M A G G I E????? HOW????? I understand the WHY, but not the HOW, if literally everyone else knows, from friends at work to every art thief in the world.

6. I know it makes sense logistically since he’s usually doing the behind the scenes stuff so he’s usually available when they need a quick getaway, but on a “let’s not die” level, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do they always let Nate be the getaway driver holy crap we literally KNOW he drinks and drives.

7. Is anyone else always bothered that in the last scene, in the middle of everything that is so perfect about it, he’s sitting in a chair that looks just slightly too big for him?

Okay, that’s all my Questions, now it’s time for Things That Are Amazing And Sexy:

- Nate being a jackass

- that dark button up over white undershirt -- who was it that pointed out how it imitates priest’s vestments? Whoever you are you’re a genius and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

- how fast he transitions from “punch you in the neck” to just a totally reasonable analysis of the situation once he gets interested.

- that their HQ tech in this episode is a fucking projecter and call center headset, in contrast to what they have once they find out just how goo Hardison is.

- the stubble, hi yes can I get more stubble forever.

- that amidst his vast array of knowledge Nate also has knowledge like “it’s the playoffs.” Idk, I don’t like sports at all but for some reason I like that there’s part of him that’s a normal enough dude to like sports.

- oh no he does the steepled fingers thing thanks I didn’t need my underwear anyway.

- my favorite, the morning after shot: totally bare hotel room, three empty hotel liquor bottles, still dressed and on top of the covers, and that’s it, like, you can just see how completely exhausted he was and how nice it was to be able to come in and drink those and just pass out immediately. And then Dubinich has to go and ruin everything by yelling at the poor hungover sleepy boy.

- the fact that Nate suggests GOING TO DUBINICH’S OFFICE, he must REALLY have not been awake yet, can you imagine Nate showing up at Dubenich’s nice clean office looking the way he looks in this scene to “straighten out” their CRIME DEAL it’s such a good picture.

- Obviously Eliot could have taken Hardison’s gun in some super smooth way but instead Nate just fucking yoinks it like “You have got to be kidding me, you’re gonna shoot your eye out.”

- there’s such great character hints in how they all hold the guns, Nate straight and matter of fact not trying to prove anything but knows what he’s doing, Hardison fancy and useless, Parker looks like she COULD use it but that’s not her main goal her main goal is to be cool and craaaazy

- and then Nate has like a fuckin velociraptor moment with his crazy daughter to get her to put the gun down lmao

- Swooshy cooooooat! - Nate opening the garage door, making sure they get out safe before him -- he feels responsible, he’s playing dad even as he tries to separate himself from them -- he owes them nothing really and he’s still taking charge and risking himself to save them. @ everyone who says nate doesn’t have actual caring emotions, that’s some bullshit.

- god his eyes are pretty

- his reactions in the hospital, first waking up to instant panic, then just moving straight to “well fuck it’s just one thing after another huh.” Look how awful he looks and he’s still immediately seeing what they don’t and pulling their strengths together, this is a much better example of what he’s capable of than the dumb lines in the beginning that were supposed to tell us he was smart.

- the beautiful ultimate irony that Dubinich’s fake story not only got the crew together but also gave them their whole modus operandus, they just take the lie he gave them of stealing things to help people and then they actually do it.

- I’m never, ever gonna get over the fuckin “balls tied to the stock market” line

- Nate smashing the car windows. So hot. Also MAN that must be therapeutic, lmao he looks so satisfied at the end

#leverage liveblog #let's go steal a liveblog #the nigerian job #nate ford #leverage

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whyaretheyfictionalcharacters · 4 years

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Kinktober - Day 3

Day 3 is Nudes!

xoxo Lexi

“What were you doing?”.

Eren takes in the photographic studio Levi owns downtown, the huge umbrellas reflecting the brightness coming off from the lamps still on on the opposite side of a wide, grey backdrop. A metal stool with a thick fur blanket thrown over it is abandoned in front of it, like an item from a long forgotten dream. The room is not very spacious – Eren has seen the other rooms Levi uses as studios in the converted warehouse and this is certainly not the biggest one he has – and he knows his husband uses this for his more...intimate commissions. He's never been at one of those sessions but he knows from what Levi has told him that erotic and nude photography can be very tasteful and elegant if done properly. And Levi doesn't do anything if not properly.

“A client is commissioning an album for her partner”, Levi replies as he walks to switch off he blinding studio lights. “High heels is the theme. Have never seen anyone bringing so many shoes in one session”.

“And fur, I presume?”. Eren touches the soft, synthetic blanket, rubbing it between his fingers. The texture is fluffy and comfortable, but if he pays enough attention he can feel the slight roughness of the synthetic fabric. He tries to imagine the blanket in a different context, maybe thrown on the floor in front of a lit fireplace, like at the cabin they've rented for Levi's birthday last Christmas. Eren can imagine it sliding against his naked skin, figuring how it'd feel down his body.

“And nothing else”.

There is nothing much to add about the session Levi has just had and Eren knows better than enquire about the client and her identity. Not for jealousy – Levi s one of the most straightforward people he's ever met – but because Eren values privacy more than anything else in regards to intimacy and eroticism. The only thing Levi told him more than once is that there are a lot of individuals “in the Scene” that he knows requesting these sort of photographs. For the older man it's always been a job like another and as a man of the “Scene” himself, Levi doesn't mind complying to help others achieve their kinks and pleasures. If erotic photography is a kink, Eren is not really a connoisseur. He's personally never been portrayed by Levy despite the raven-haired numerous attempts at doing so, however…

Eren knows he's a good looking guy – he's not that oblivious – but the idea of posing naked in front of the camera makes his blood rush quicker in his veins and butterflies sparkle in his stomach in an anxious way. And yet, now...maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

“Would you—”.

At the unsure words Levi turns from the lamp, his trusty travel mug probably full of Lapsang Souchong held firmly in his hand. “What?”.

Come on, Eren. He's your husband. He's seen you naked more times than your mother has. “Would you want to—to photograph me? You know, naked. Like your client”.

Deep, grey eyes stare at him seemingly blank though Eren sees the minute difference in the pupils, something he's trained himself to do after almost three years of marriage. Levi twists his obdy to face him now, full attention completely on him. “You know I would”.

“Do you have another appointment soon?”. A shake of the head is all the answer he needs. Eren inhales deeply attempting to build himself up. “Right. So...”.

“So...”.

“How do you want me?”.

The brunet can sense his body becoming a bit restless under the attentive scrutiny of his husband, who brings his hand up and switches back on the lamp. “Naked”.

Fair enough, Eren thinks with an affectionate eye-roll and a small smile. While Levi goes to set back up the studio, he takes off his navy sweater and begins to unbutton his dress shirt; his hands are shaking annoyingly hard and the act of working off his clothes resembles more a herculean task worthy of a classic, Greek epic poem on its own. It's so frustrating how nervous he is considering this is certainly not the first time he's undressed in front of his husband and yet it all feels new. It takes him what seems like an hour before he can hand his discarded clothes to Levi, who as usual folds them neatly and puts them on one side.

Eren looks down at the metal stool for a minute before focusing back up on the older man. “What do I have to do?”.

“Stand behind the stool first. Legs apart. Wider. One hand behind your back”. When Eren complies he fixes marginally his pose. “Not something I do with clients but I can touch this, can't I?”, he asks referring to the tanned body.

The twenty-seven year old sees an almost invisible smirk on the other's thin lip and he can't help but huff a laughter. “Was that in our vows?”.

“No. It would've been grand, though. Especially in front of our parents. 'I'll take thee from behind, front and side every day for the rest of our lives as my legitimate husband'”. Eren explodes in a full-belly laugh, his abdominals shaking with hilarity. “Imagine your father's face”.

“Oh, he's seen worse things up people's butts. I've seen worse and I'm just a family doctor”.

“Ever told you I don't envy you one bit?”.

“Yep”, Eren grins with fondness.

Levi makes him grab the stool with his right hand and he pushes it forward slightly, only the front legs touching the hardwood floor now. “Come forward. A bit more. That's it, stop”.

Looking down, Eren notices the top curve of the stool – now sitting uncomfortably cold against the hidden soft member – is leaving the lighter skin of his groin bare to the eye. The only thing left to the imagination is the size of his dick, the rest? Pretty much everything is well in sight. Levi's steps appear deafening loud in the silence of the studio before a warm weight is placed on his left shoulder. He studies with detached interest while Levi does his job, throwing artistically the fur blanket over his shoulder. After the last light fixes are done, the brightness suffused to a more intimate luminosity, the older man marches back to prepare his camera.

As he waits, Eren can sense goosebumps appearing on his arms but even naked in the middle of a brick-walled room he's not cold; the jitters are palpable as he stands there, muscles tight and jaw clenched.

“You're as sexy as an antique wardrobe”, Levi mutters from behind his viewfinder.

A confused frown. “Are those sexy?”.

“No”. The deadpan almost makes him laugh. “Relax, brat. You're trying to seduce me, not make me sign up for the army”.

“Right. Right, yes”, he sighs. “Uniforms are sexy, though”.

“You're not wearing a uniform”.

“Right”.

He hears a few clicks, sees Levi change position but still staying dead on in front of him. Eren is not completely uncomfortable, though the chill of the metal against his groin seems to be spreading to his whole body now. When he tells the other, Levi rushes to fetch a space heater and puts him outside the frame but still close enough that the warm air hits pleasantly Eren's legs and hips. It seems to go on forever before the older man tell him to leave the stool and blanket on the side and pick up his white shirt.

“I want you to wear it and then take it off down to your elbows”, he's told with the same assertiveness Levi sometimes uses in the bedroom. “Turn on your side, left leg forward”.

After Levi has adjusted the lighting some more he joins Eren in front of the backdrop and twists his arms around so that the shirt hanging from his left arm covers his groin. Through the viewfinder he can notice the sensual, tight curve of Eren's cheeks highlighted by the shirt white hanging behind it. He's been numerous times in this sort of situation – taking nude pictures, sometimes even sexually appealing ones – and always, always kept his professional wits about him. His mind has always looked at what he was seeing under an objective, artistic point of view. Yet now, having his own husband posing naked in front of him is enough to make his jeans feel a bit too tight.

“Look forward”. He takes a few more shots and zooms in. “Look at me”. Eren turns his head. “No, head facing forward still. Just look at me with your eyes”.

“Won't I be ridiculous?”.

“If you think about how much I want to fuck you right now, probably you won't be”.

Eren chokes on his own spit, sputtering inelegantly before glaring at the other. “Levi!”.

“What? It's boudoir photography, Eren. I'm taking nude pictures of my husband right now”.

“So, you want me to think about having sex with you while I'm standing here, naked?”.

Levi looks up from his camera, eyes burning behind black lashes. “If that helps with you relaxing”.

A throat clears uncomfortably and then Eren follows the instructions he's been given. He can't really see Levi in this position. There's a black and pink mass of colour on the corner of his eyes as he tries to stare where he assumes the camera is, and for the first time since he's taken his clothes off Eren lets his mind travel.

The way Levi has always looked at him in the bedroom is something he can't seem to ever forget, with his usual cold eyes burning with lust as Eren walks out of their en-suite with only a towel around his neck, his body still damp from the shower. He can envision the raven-haired lying on their bed, ankles crossed and arms behind his head, watching every line of Eren's body. Levi would have to be naked as well in this setting, obviously, because his physique is the most attractive piece of art he's ever seen. Levi's body is perfect with strong lines flowing straight down his stomach, the bedside lamps creating hypnotic games of light and shadows on his cutting abs; the well-defined cord of his biceps as his head rests on his hands.

“Now we're getting there”.

Levi's voice reaches him like a bucket of ice water and he shakes himself, sight focussing back on Levi taking a few more pictures of him before walking to his laptop to check the shots he's just uploaded from his camera.

As time goes by he's asked to changed position endless times, alongside props and lighting equipment �� Eren's never known this was the work that goes behind one shooting session and fortunately Levi doesn't seem to have another client booked for the remaining of the late afternoon. As the day draws to a close Eren relaxes more and more, comfortable in his own skin the more time he's standing naked in the middle of the studio. It's a forbidden feeling the one he has as he poses bare for his husband while Levi takes picture after picture: the knowledge that he shouldn't be doing this is almost disorienting, sending a rush to his brain in a pleasant way when he starts to enjoy the evening spent doing exactly this. When Levi gives him the all-clear to get dressed again before disappearing behind the door that leads to the public area of his photographic studio, Eren takes his time doing so despite small shivers shaking down his muscles from the cold.

He's sitting on the chair tying up his shoes, Levi walks back in with a steaming mug of tea which is handed to him with a small, familiar smile and a kiss on the cheek. “I asked Mina to help me out cleaning up in here. We can go home after that, I'll work on them and we can look at them together next week if you want to come down here again after work”.

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billyboymiki · 3 years

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5 Works Tag Game

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and post or link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I got tagged by @tippenfunkaport and @caramelaire for this tag game!!

I’m not one to compliment myself on anything honestly. Recently I remember thinking about how I barely drew anything this year. There was a part of my brain nagging at me to check how much I had drawn last year. So, I uh did. Turns out I drew basically nothing?! I triple checked this in fact. My DeviantART, Tumblr AND my camera roll. Nothing . . . I drew 5 very basic pinback button designs and that was it. I couldn’t believe it; but, it made be feel so much better about what I did this year. Basically my whole instagram is all artwork from this year, since I am actually really new to IG. I got super close to 40 works this year!

Now onto the works! They are in order of when I drew them 😊

Glimmer Inspired Patterns

I wanted to teach myself how to make patterns on Clip Studio so bad! I watched a couple of YT tutorials, and I can’t even remember why I decided to make She-ra ones specifically; I’m glad I did though! The Glimmer one means so much to me. Just looking at makes me so happy! The fact that so many people have now called it ‘aesthetically pleasing’ makes me feel as though I actually created a work that others could relate to. That was enough praise for me; to create something for myself that everyone else loved as well 💖

Glimbow Cuddle

This was my first real She-ra artwork. When I saw there was a Glimbow Week again I knew I had to join this one. I don’t know if anyone knows this; but, drawings take me forever to make. I used to be strictly a traditional artist and still prefer to draw rough drafts on paper. I couldn’t decide if I wanted them on Glimmer’s window seat or in Bow’s dads’ library. I was afraid of doing backgrounds; so, both sounded absolutely terrifying. I decided to go for the fireplace even if it meant fancy lighting on top of the background aspect. I think I actually spent more time on the lighting that’s hitting Bow than on anything else in this picture. It was worth it though. I studied how the show did backgrounds and lighting for a while. I tried so many different attempts at how I wanted it to look and ultimately went with this one! I love it so much 🥺

Bow’s list with doodles

Ah, yes the drawings I did for Tippen’s birthday!! I knew I wanted to draw a scene from ‘Tuna Cans’, but I was worried to try something like this. You see, I’m somebody that likes to stay in a comfort zone and only uploaded fully rendered perfect artworks. This year was the first time that I let the ‘fun’ aspect overrule my perfectionism. I’m so happy that I stepped out of my comfort zone for this, because I love Chibi styles so much. I can’t even explain the absolute joy I had drawing these. I didn’t tell anyone what I was up to, so it was just me laughing at myself for being an absolute goofball. The end result and everyone’s reactions were more than I could have ever expected. I’ve decided I’m going to revive this style soon as well so please look forwards to it!!

Space Suit Squad

Okay, so I cheated a little with this one! I couldn’t just pick ONE of the squad. Honestly though, I drew these with the thought of making them into prints in the back of my mind. I taught myself how to draw a space background and I’m really proud of it! So much in fact that the one in the final pictures is the first and last one I ended up doing! If I had to pick my favorites I think I’d have to pick Glimmer, Bow and then Catra. I LOVE the way I draw Catra I don’t know why? Maybe the eyebrows I’m not sure 🤔 It took me a while to decide on expressions and poses; although, I figured these were the ones because I could look at them and go ‘yep that’s them.’

Winter Glimbow

This one took me soooo long; I actually had to tell myself that I should put my pen down because it was done and I should stop touching it!!! I was sketching pictures in my sketchbook to make more patterns for my Redbubble account, and of course I’m like 100% Glimbow brainrot. My brain went, oooo you know what would be cute? If this skate was actually Bow’s and not just generic. So, I ended up sketching Glimmer’s as well. The heart that their skates make is like the cherry on the top for me, it had to be done! I’m not sure I did the background justice on this one? It doesn’t matter to me though because the concept was worth the effort. It was snowing here and I needed this picture like I needed air, even if it wasn’t even December at the time I posted it 🤣 I liked this one so much that I have similar ideas for the other seasons sketched out as well 👀

I’m sorry that I ramble so often. I’m like this quiet person; yet, it’s hard for me to get out everything I want to say? I’m horrible at it actually my brain runs at a hundred miles a minute and I’m not good with words most of the time. This turned out as more of a thought process than my actual feelings on each one I suppose. SO, in conclusion. I drew A LOT, I stepped out of my comfort zone, taught myself digital art and patterns. I let myself come to terms with the fact that not every piece of art has to be ‘perfect’. I drew at least 5 FULL backgrounds and I never used to draw them! I’ve also always been one for simple shading and lighting, and I do think there’s a time for that type of style, while other times sometimes a more difficult one might be appropriate. I’m glad that I did both because now I know I can do both, and they each give a characteristic that I adore 🥰 Thank you to everyone that has followed me through this journey, or just anyone who read my rambling! I have an honorable mention under the cut and some originals for anyone that made it this far! 💖

I’m not going to tag anyone; but, if you want to do this PLEASE do it. It was so great to reflect on what I did this year, it really surprised me and I think what you have done will surprise you as well! It’s been a rough year, and in the end we have been here supporting each other and that’s one of the most rewarding parts of being in a fandom! 💜

Glimmer screencap redraw

Another picture where I really tested myself on drawing a background! I love it even if it killed my hand!! The background definitely took the longest on this one too. My sister literally said ‘Wait, you did the background? I thought you just drew her?!’ And that was the only validation I needed!! I ended up thinning out Glimmer’s outline so she matched the background better. If you use the vectors on Clip please use this feature! You can do the opposite as well, it’s super useful!

Oh hi! Remember when I said I couldn’t decide between the two locations? Truth is, I also couldn’t decide if I was going to make it traditional or digital. I ended up getting really mad at the traditional version unfortunately. I haven’t gotten the hang of traditional backgrounds. In the end, I should have also done it in Copic and not cheap pencil crayons 😫

Just some space friends! There is something so rewarding about traditional art. Yes, I can see the mistakes and the proportions are most likely off; yet, it doesn’t bother me? I wanted to also show these bonus drawings because nobody is perfect and I thought some of you might like to see some of my process. Being able to hold it in my hands is something I will never tire of, in a way it’s super rewarding. I keep all my art actually and sometimes I like the rough drafts more than the finished work 👀 Outlining artwork can actually ruin the charm every so often 😔 I do really love the final versions of these though!

Annnnnd the last bonus!! As you can tell the final version stayed pretty true to my sketches! I almost went with a more realistic look and made the symbols ‘stitched’ onto the skates. In the end it felt like it didn’t fit the rest of the drawing unless I wanted to add extra details to the clothing as well. The wings on Glimmer’s skates turned into ‘Shwings’ PLEASE tell me other people know what that is? I had a pair a few years ago and misplaced them. I was doing the rough draft and it popped into brain and I treated it as a joke at first, until I gave it a proper chance XD In the end I fell in love with it!!!

#she-ra #spop #fanart #tag game #billyboymiki #Miki speaks #long post #sorry #my art #I actually cried a little writing all of this 😱#the only thing I wanted to do really bad this year was make an spop amv #I might juggle art and making one so I can get one out at some point

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sibyl-of-space · 3 years

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Final Fantasy IX ~ Melodies and Memories

"Jesters of the Moon"

There are a lot of very good video games in the world, but it takes some luck and circumstance outside of a game's control for one to reach me at just the right time(s) and place(s) in my life that it has a tangible impact on who I am -- who I want to be. One that carves out a space for itself in my soul that will never be removed or replaced.

I've just finished playing Final Fantasy IX for the first time, and there's no doubt in my mind that such is the case here.

(Continued below readmore.)

I drew this art last year, when I was mourning my attachment to an old favorite game that I just don't feel the same way about anymore: Majora's Mask. I wanted to draw something that captured my feelings about it, because sometimes art is the best way to talk about something when the words don't want to come.

Why is "Jesters of the Moon," the name of a random song in the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack, plastered in the middle of this Majora's Mask fanart? Especially considering I hadn't even played Final Fantasy IX yet when I drew this?

The reason is exactly that "luck and circumstance" that allowed me to fall so uniquely in love with the game.

"Mt. Gulug"

In 2008, someone on YouTube uploaded a Majora's Mask parody-slash-let's-play series called "Majora's Mask: The Things Which Were Taken Out." The series has since become unlisted and won't be linked here out of respect for the creator who probably doesn't want things they said and made in 2008 being spread all over the internet, but because of Unregistered Hypercam 2 reasons, the series inserted other background music over the video and didn't record the actual game audio.

I didn't recognize any of the music, but I watched these parody videos on repeat because in addition to being funny (...at the time, in my mind, at least), I really really loved the music. It got to the point where I would sometimes be playing Majora's Mask and get disappointed when I approached Goht and the Mt. Gulug theme wasn't playing in the background.

I had forgotten about these videos for a really long time in the interim, but I remembered them at some point when I was thinking about Majora's Mask and I found them again. The creator had cited the Final Fantasy IX soundtrack for virtually all of the background music used in the videos, and I realized that despite knowing literally nothing about the game, I had become really fond of - and weirdly nostalgic for - the songs from it that I now recognized.

So I looked up "Jesters of the Moon" and played it on repeat while I drew out my feelings in colored marker. A few months later, I realized that my backwards compatible PS3 can also play PS1 games, and eBay had FFIX for PS1 at a good price. I had nothing to lose by ordering it and seeing what the source of all that fantastic music was like.

"Vamo Alla Flamenco"

I started my playthrough knowing nothing about what to expect from the game. I'd never played a Final Fantasy game before and my overall JRPG experience has been mostly limited to Tales of, Persona, and more recently, mainline Shin Megami Tensei. The only things I knew about Final Fantasy were a) the Tidus laughing scene, and b) Sephiroth. IX seemed like it had vibes I would enjoy, but beyond that I knew nothing about what the experience would be. So I approached it with a "let's have fun and see how it goes" attitude, naming my party members the first silly thing that came to mind, ending up with "Swaggy," "OwO," "Bitchin," "Gunz," and "SWOOORD" to start with.

(For the record I do not regret those names whatsoever.)

I was immediately struck by how differently the game uses music in comparison to all of my previous JRPG experiences. This was not a game where the composer was given a list of theme songs that were slapped on top of a mostly completed game-- this was a game constructed with the soundtrack in mind as a part of the writing process.

The opening act plays almost like an opera (side note, yes I know one of the other FF's has a literal opera, I haven't played that one): you traverse the same locations from different perspectives as different characters, introducing the cast with lighthearted humor and dramatic irony out the wazoo. While you traverse the city as OwO, OwO's theme is playing in the background, coloring your perspective of the city and the narrative. When you switch to Gunz patrolling around the castle, Gunz's theme accompanies your movement and informs his character and mission. I am so accustomed to "location themes" being the norm in virtually all video games that experiencing character and/or narrative themes as BGM instead while I bumble around town changed my entire perspective on what music in games can do and be.

The operatic feeling is definitely intentional, because the game uses a play-within-a-game narrative device to hit you over the head with its themes in a way that is somehow poignant and artful while also being extremely blatant. That is a hard balance to strike, but it manages. The whole game is like that: it is completely straightforward and tells you exactly what it's about at heart, but it does it beautifully.

At any rate, I was enamored with this intro and had a very fun time, but I wasn't obsessed or anything and ended up putting it down. I spent several months on the first half of disk 1 with weeks passing between play sessions. I liked the game plenty, but life stuff happened and I decided to get obsessed with Dai Gyakuten Saiban and Ghost Trick for a while. No regrettis.

It was already clear, though, that FFIX was going to be special to me. My compositions for my team's game in the Global Game Jam in 2021 were directly inspired by FFIX's opera-like intro. I wrote two character themes for our game that would serve as background music when you play as the two protagonists, coloring your journey differently even when moving in the same spaces. I was intentionally trying to mimic the way music is used in FFIX as an exercise. The themes I wrote are definitely some of my strongest work so far.

(You can check out the game here if you want, I promise it is significantly shorter than Final Fantasy IX.)

"Melodies of Life"

Music caused me to pick up FFIX the first time, and music caused me to return to it. After months of not touching or really thinking about it, just earlier this week I was inspired to play it again, because - again - I listened to the right song at the right time.

I was again mourning the loss of something, in this case a friendship, for reasons I'm not going to share here. I had already heard the song "Melodies of Life" because it came up when I was looking up FFIX songs to reblog on Tumblr a few months ago, and I decided to listen to it again. Even without knowing the game context, the song itself really spoke to me in that moment: "a voice from the past, joining yours and mine, adding up the layers of harmony" - it kind of made me feel at peace with the fact that I had a lot of positive memories of that friendship and I could keep those at heart while also moving on in the present. ...I'm also a sucker for music metaphors, so there is that.

I was really moved by this song, cheesy as it is, and I was also definitely in the mood for a distraction. Picking up FFIX again felt like the best move.

It was, and my life is forever changed.

The game never stopped being beautiful and funny and touching, and the soundtrack never ceased to amaze. I recognized concepts I've seen in other games but never had I seen them used so artfully. I adored the fantasy world and non-human cast, I found myself enticed by random encounter for the first time because it made me feel like I had to struggle to survive a difficult journey. Music, gameplay, visuals, and story felt like one cohesive work of art for the entire duration.

Life circumstances got me to play the game again, but the game itself was so captivating and wonderful that I binged the entire rest of it - disks 2-4 - in less than a week. Everything else that the game had to say, it told me itself, in its own context, and I was ready to listen.

"You're Not Alone!"

This is going to make me sound like an emotionally-stunted twenty-something, but it has been years since a work of media has got me to have a really good cry. I used to cry playing games all the time as a kid but recently I'll find myself getting emotional, sure, often tearing up, but getting completely red-faced and snot-nosed because I physically cannot contain the emotions being evoked by a work? Years. I can't honestly tell you the last time it happened with certainty.

I feel like an emotional band-aid has been ripped off. I was f*cking sobbing during the entire duration of the "You're Not Alone!" sequence. It didn't matter that what was happening was obviously coming from a mile away, because the delivery was so raw and emotional and human!!! A whole game's worth of Swaggy punching first and asking questions later to save his friends, being Protag McProtag endangering himself for others in any and all circumstances, for the payoff of all of his friends forcing him to stop being such a primadonna and let them help him for once. It's true, too! He relies on them just as much as they rely on him! And the game doesn't just tell you this, no, it lets you try to solo all these fights and waits until you realize how boned you are until they come bail you out.

When Bitchin showed up with her "looks like you need a hand" I wanted to straight up yell at my tv. YES I DO!!! YES I DO NEED YOU BITCHIN!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!! I half knew that SWOOORD was going to heal me before I got truly KO-ed but I had been unmercifully wiped in "unwinnable" battles before in this game, so I legit thought I might have to re-do that whole part of the game again, and I was so relieved and thankful when she showed up and healed me.

This moment exemplifies everything that I adore about this game. It doesn't just tell you its story. It shows it to you, it sings it to you, and it and lets you play it out and feel it for yourself.

"Game Over"

This song is all too familiar to me. Gizamaluke's Grotto was very unforgiving for a first-time Final Fantasy player, especially one who didn't happen to pick up Big on the way for a fourth party member early on.

I hadn't heard the piano part in a few months, though, because when I picked the game back up I started just mashing to reload before it got to that point any time we wiped. I didn't hear it again until the game was truly over, this time for good.

I let it play for a while. Not too long, because I have a CRT TV and didn't want "The End" to get burned in. But a while. Enough to meditate on what I'd just experienced, and how I was feeling about it.

There's so much more to say about the game, far more than I could put in a blog post. But I don't think I need to describe these thoughts in words. I can do what the game did, and use music, use art, use stories, use metaphors, and use symbols to communicate what I mean; and hope that someone else is able and willing to listen.

And although a written record of my thoughts likely won't be preserved for all that long, maybe the feelings and the memories will be, so long as they have been shared.

#personal #analyses #ffix

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