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#how many eggs did you crush in your throat
deadghosy · 1 month
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WHAT ABOUT HAZBIN HOTEL X EYELESS JACK READER ?!
Hungry for some kidneys 😋🏃‍♀️
STOPPP CAUSE I HAD A CRUSH ON HIM- WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME BRO😭 I THOUGHT THIS MAN WAS SOOOO FINE🦆💗 which he still is 🤭😘
HAZBIN HOTEL X EYELESS JACK! READER
prompt: an eyeless man gets dared to go inside of a cartoon for some free “food”
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Ben had dared you to go inside of this cartoon show that was becoming popular. You said hell no of course….but then he said the impossible…
“Would you either go in the cartoon for kidneys or listen to me tell you the whole script of the new movie.” Ben says with a knowing smirk at which one you would chose.
Never in your life have you jumped into a tv before so quick. But here you are as you stand in the middle of a red twin with dead bodies around. So you smile behind your blue mask and got to work.
You were so busy kidney hunting, you didn’t notice a tall red figure behind you smiling intrigued at how you were only looking for kidneys with your scalpel. You felt skinny hands touch your shoulders as you immediately tried to stab the hand quickly. But it was a wrong move because you got pushed by some green magic.
“Quick reflexes. Amazing my friend! You would do good for this hotel im helping” the man said as you stared at him. Before you could protest you got transported to a damn hotel.
NOW ENOUGH STORY MODE TYPE SHIT! NOW FOR THE FUN🔥
I imagine Angel one time seeing you use your tongues to eat a kidney that was in disguise and Angel had so many dirty jokes for you.
“Omg, I bet you’re a woman pleaser aren’t you?” Angel says suggestively as you just raise a brow at him not knowing what he is saying.
Charlie would try to get you to wear brighter colors, but you literally deny it as if you are still stuck in your emo phase making Charlie get war flashbacks to her own emo phase.
Imagine taking your bluemask off and scaring sir Pentious into thinking you are a ghost to steal his eyes😭 so evil but so funny.
I can see husk literally side eyeing you as you just eating. Like he is just so confused how you don’t bite on none of your other tongues.
I know some people draw ej with black fingernails, but what if Angel had painted them for you instead 💗
Imagine a cartoony moment where Angel is like “ah shit I lost my wallet..” and STARTS TO LOOK FOR IT IN YOUR EYES 😭 straight up digging his hands in ya eyeless holes to look for it and he actually did find it with a smile saying “ah Hah found it!”
Legit Angel will remind you of Ben as Angel will shove his phone in your face saying some dumb shit like. “Do you see it? Do you see it ? Do you see it?” As he has a stupid smirk on his face. You snapped grabbing Angel by his throat as the crew tried to pull you off of Angel as he struggles to breathe. “It was worth it…”
I headcannon EJ! Reader and Alastor being compatible friends because they both eat from human meat. But both different as EJ! Reader just eats the kidneys as Alastor eats the whole things
NAH IMAGINE KID EJ!READER GETTING THE LEFTOVER KIDNEYS FROM PARENT! ALASTOR’S PLATE😭💗💗 (so damn cute)
“No no, you use the little fork and the knife to cut it.” “….I literally eat with my hands.”
Just two hungry boys staring at each other while discussing flavors to make out of people.
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The egg boiz likes to bring you dead sinners as you had promised them to read them bed time stories for kidneys..I mean a fair trade is a fair trade. 🦆
Idk but for me it makes sense for EJ! Reader to bite someone’s hand while sleeping cause in the fanon! slender house they are use to pranks being pulled off so many times.
Literally husk was trying to wake you up cause it was your duty to do the bar tendering and you ALMOST bit his whole hand off if it wasn’t for Husk’s scream.
I can see Lucifer trying to show you his ducks because he found how amusing how quiet and blunt you are as he practically shoved a duck in your face forgetting you don’t have eyes.
“Do you see how cute and amazing this is?! It’s a duck that can do the splits while shooting fire!” “I see.” *awkward silence* “I’m so sorry-” “sorry for what.”
I can see how your dynamic with Lucifer is like “I think I forgot something x I have it in my hand..”
Charlie once had you in red as you actually just stood there while she took photos of you. It was like you were ready for the first day of school as Charlie squealed happy to see her new staff wearing red.
“SMILEE!” Charlie say excited as you just stand there trying to smile but it came out strained showing all of your sharp teeth. “Yeah don’t ever smile again.” Angel said in the background as you jumped at him like foxy in fnaf 2 😭
I imagine you just standing there as Alastor puts his arm on your shoulder like an arm rest. Literally you are “😐 what?” face as Alastor is obviously “😄 what a lovely day!”
I can see you and niffty just playing random games during break time as husk just cleans glasses at the bar. It’s a relaxing sight for once without you trying to get someone’s kidney.
I imagine you and Adam having so much beef as he is annoying asf to you.
“Why are you eyeless? So you can’t see how ugly you are?” “No, so I can’t see how fat you basically are so it won’t affect me.”
THE WAY YOU GAGGED HIM- 😭🤭‼️
I can see the Vee’s trying to get you on their side but you would probably just flip them off as you eat a kidney.
I can imagine Vaggie trying to find out why there is black goo on the hotel stairs to find you are crying since Charlie banned you to scalpel anyone’s kidneys.
Vaggie and Charlie give you the angel dust treatment and try to find any scalpels you have in your room
I can see after the battle of the heaven and hell, you would just stand there like “🧍🏾what the fuck just happened..” as you try to scalpel a few angels only for vaggie to pull your blue hoodie away from one.
When Lucifer first met you, he thought you was a teen demon who just got hired. He wasn’t wrong for the hired part, when you first spoke that man thought he heard god himself as his eyes were wide at you.
I can headcannon Alastor bringing a sinner to your door with a note that say, “eat well <3” and you just stand there like….. “did I just get adopted by a cannibal..” you said picking up the unconscious sinner and grabbing a scalpel.
NAH CAUSE I USE TO BE FERAL FOR THIS MANNNN😨😭😭💗💗 HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE THIS ONE!🦆‼️
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ellaelsinore · 6 months
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@eddiemonth prompt, oct 6th: Crush | You Could Start A Cult - Niall Horan | Sincere
It was no secret to Eddie that Steve was beautiful, it wasn’t a secret to anyone who had eyes. The secret was that Eddie found him more than beautiful, would go to war for his stupid face, and his stupid hair and his stupid, stupid hands.
read on ao3
The sound of aluminum cans hitting aluminum siding reverberated through the trailer park.
“How many points is that worth?” Eddie crushed another can and lobbed it at the porch, aiming for the light next to the door. He missed.
“We were supposed to be keeping score?” Steve leaned back in the lawn chair, long legs crossed in front of him, left arm lazily resting behind his head. They’d been out there for hours now, drinking and sharing a joint (or two, who was counting really?), tossing empties over the top of the trailer and giggling like kids. They had started in the heat of the day, settling into a routine, alternating who grabbed the next six pack out of the trailer, talking about everything and nothing until the sun started to set behind them.
“You were!” Eddie tossed the next can right at Steve’s head, which of course he caught one-handed.
“I think we’re even Eds.” Steve knocked back the rest of his beer and stood up. “C’mon, we should probably clean up before your uncle gets back.” He held out a hand to Eddie, waiting patiently for him to take it. Eddie looked up from Steve’s waiting hand to his face, lit softly from the golden hour light.
It was no secret to Eddie that Steve was beautiful, it wasn’t a secret to anyone who had eyes. The secret was that Eddie found him more than beautiful, would go to war for his stupid face, and his stupid hair and his stupid, stupid hands. Eddie’s crush had simmered since Vecna, when he shoved Steve against the wall of a dirty boathouse with a broken bottle to his throat, close enough that his adrenaline-addled brain was marked with the scent of Steve, expensive hairspray and something warmer that Eddie couldn’t place, had memorized, unintentionally, the curve of his lips, the bump in his nose from too many fights lost.
Eddie tried to keep it under wraps, especially as he died in Dustin’s arms and then again in Steve’s, but now that he was vaguely healed, Steve was making that more and more difficult. He’d attached himself to Eddie’s side, even going as far as alternating hospital shifts with Wayne, charming the nurses into letting him stay the night past visiting hours. He said he had nothing better to do, but Eddie didn’t truly believe him. Now he rarely left Eddie alone, showing up at the trailer before Wayne left for work, sleeping on the floor as Eddie slept in the only comfortable position he could find on the couch, the only place that didn’t pull his stitches. He showed up, every day, first with movies and snacks, then games when Eddie was feeling up to playing and then beer and smokes when Eddie got cleared to return to his regularly scheduled programming. Eddie thought Steve would vanish once he was cleared by the doctors, but he was equal parts shocked and thrilled when he woke up the next morning to Steve making eggs in the trailer’s tiny kitchen, joking with Wayne over coffee and positively beaming at Eddie when he joined them.
Steve was a constant in his life now and Eddie was drowning in it.
“Alright,” Eddie grabbed Steve’s hand and let him lift him out of the lawn chair. “Geeze, when did you get so responsible?”
“Probably when you died and left me the oldest member of the party.” Steve hadn’t let go of his hand.
“You didn’t need to be the oldest to get those kids to follow you.” Eddie let himself be pulled into Steve’s chest, heart in his throat as he looked up into hazel eyes sparked with gold. “You could start a cult, and they would all be on board.”
Steve smirked, resting his forehead on Eddie’s, his free hand on the small of Eddie’s back, sending flames licking up Eddie’s spine to his cheeks. He closed his eyes and intertwined his fingers with Steve’s, their hands still trapped between their bodies. “What about you, Eds?”
“Stevie.” It came out more reverent than he expected, but sincere nonetheless. “I’d follow you ‘til there’s no tomorrow.” The kiss that followed was like nothing Eddie had ever experienced, bliss and relief mixing in a chorus of “about time’s” from his brain to make Eddie feel like this is where he finally belonged. “Anywhere you go, I’ll be,” he whispered against Steve’s lips.
“I won’t go anywhere, Eds. Not while you’re here.” Oh, Eddie would fight kingdoms and monsters for this man to never leave his side.
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istumpysk · 1 year
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(Ashford Tourney anon)
Well, I’m not sure how you feel about the idea that Harrold Hardyng is a replacement for Robert Arryn because the five year gap did not happen, but myself and many others believe it. Again, it’s just speculation, but there’s a lot of weight to it.
This is important because it provides an explanation as to why Harry wasn’t mentioned before AFFC (I assume the FYG was scrapped around/after ASOS). One would think that the Heir to the Vale would at least be mentioned in the appendix, right? Nope, he’s never mentioned before Feast. Therefore, assuming that Harry is an invention of the FYG, that means that he was probably invented between 2000 (Storm’s release) and 2005 (Feast’s release).
The problem with this? The Hedge Knight was released in 1998, before Harry was allegedly invented. Therefore, the parallel to his ancestor Humfrey Hardyng does not work in reference to Sansa.
Okay, one could argue that Harry was invented earlier. But then why not just mention him once in Storm, or Storm’s appendix?
I want to make it absolutely abundantly clear that this is in no way an attack towards you or Jonsa—I actually think a Jon-Sansa marriage is a logical outcome to the story. Please let me know if I overlooked something!
>> Again, it's just speculation, but there's a lot of weight to it.
That's where you lost me. There isn't a lot of weight to it, it's purely an assumption, with no evidence to support it.
Why would you expect Harrold Hardyng to be introduced as Robert Arryn's heir in an appendix with no additional context? He's not even listed as Robert Arryn's heir in the appendix of AFFC or ADWD. He's listed as Anya Waynwood's ward.
Gendry and Edric Storm don't appear in AGOT's appendix, yet it's easy to infer that George has had plans for Robert's bastards from the beginning, yes?
Regardless of all of that, I can't pretend to know how the story has evolved or when George created certain characters, but what I can tell you is that you did overlook something.
You forgot a key event that takes place in A Game of Thrones (published in 1996), featuring a knight from the Vale competing in a tournament with Sansa watching, that foretells events that take place in The Hedge Knight and probably The Winds of Winter.
The most terrifying moment of the day came during Ser Gregor's second joust, when his lance rode up and struck a young knight from the Vale under the gorget with such force that it drove through his throat, killing him instantly. The youth fell not ten feet from where Sansa was seated. The point of Ser Gregor's lance had snapped off in his neck, and his life's blood flowed out in slow pulses, each weaker than the one before. His armor was shiny new; a bright streak of fire ran down his outstretched arm, as the steel caught the light. Then the sun went behind a cloud, and it was gone. His cloak was blue, the color of the sky on a clear summer's day, trimmed with a border of crescent moons, but as his blood seeped into it, the cloth darkened and the moons turned red, one by one. - Sansa II, AGOT
Dunk did not know the colors, but Egg said they belonged to a knight from the Vale of Arryn named Ser Humfrey Hardyng. "He won a great melee at Maidenpool last year, ser, and overthrew Ser Donnel of Duskendale and the Lords Arryn and Royce in the lists."
[...]
At the last possible instant, Ser Humfrey's stallion reared away from the oncoming point, eyes rolling in terror, but too late, Aerion's lance took the animal just above the armor that protected his breastbone, and exploded out of the back of his neck in a gout of bright blood. Screaming, the horse crashed sideways, knocking the wooden barrier to pieces as he fell. Ser Humfrey tried to leap free, but a foot caught in a stirrup and they heard his shriek as his leg was crushed between the splintered fence and falling horse.
[...]
Ser Humfrey Hardyng had succumbed to his wounds only last night. - The Hedge Knight
And may your horse stumble, Harry the Heir, so you fall on your stupid head in your first tilt. - Alayne I, TWOW
You're going to have a difficult time convincing me these things aren't connected.
Post: Ashford
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maledicmanny · 1 year
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This is a Date, Right?
Rare Pair Week, Day 1: Secrets/Confessions (Soldier/Saxton Hale)
A thousand battles Soldier had fought, and yet, this was proving to be his greatest one he’d ever faced. All is fair in love and war, the saying went. War he could handle. Love, well … that was a different story.
Saxton Hale was leaving the base after a routine inspection that was required by Mann Co. While most of the mercenaries couldn’t wait until the man left, Soldier had absorbed his presence like a sponge, and was now almost drunk on it. And like a drunk, he couldn’t get enough of his particular addiction. At the end of the inspection, he had followed Hale out of the barracks and onto the air strip, where his plane was waiting.
It was now or never.
Soldier gulped, hard. His mouth was dry, and he couldn’t blink, strangely. Not that anyone would know, with his helmet so low on his head. He cleared his throat for the hundredth time, managing to grab the attention of the scantily clad man who had been walking in front of him, the man dressed in only work boots, khaki shorts, and a teeth-lined akubra. Saxton turned and looked, barely interested, at Soldier.
Soldier liked manly men. And Saxton Hale was the manliest of them all. He successfully ran an entire company, wrestled wild animals, and single-handedly made the Yetis an extinct species. As if that weren’t enough, he also made a mean steak and eggs. He knew how to handle a weapon, yet often chose to fight with the deadliest weapon of all – his own fists. Soldier couldn’t even put his feelings into words, and yet, here he was, face-to-face with his crush, about to confess his innermost feelings.
“Well? What is it, eh … Soldier, was it?” Saxton asked, barely even acknowledging his own employee.
Soldier could feel his gullet rising, and gulped it back down for a second time. He opened his mouth, the words on the tip of his tongue, and heard himself say –
“Mann Co makes superior weapons, Captain!”
That wasn’t what he meant to say. At all.
Hale’s moustache curled into a smile. “Yer bloody damn right we do, mate!” was his reply, along with a hearty slap on the back that almost sent Soldier sailing towards the ground. Soldier nearly turned weak in the knees. No man could knock him to the ground, not even Heavy. How in the name of Lady Liberty was he supposed to confess, now?
“Uh …. roger that!” was all he could choke out. His brain frantically searched for the right words to say next, some magic phrase that would make Saxton Hale fall hopelessly in love with him, or at least, show a little bit of interest. Hell, Soldier would settle for a second glance thrown his way, at this point.
Saxton laughed heartily. “That’s the Mann Co way!” And to Soldier’s great delight, Saxton began to look closely at him.
“You know, you seem like the adventurous type. How many jaguars have you killed?”
The answer was zero. Soldier had never encountered a jaguar in his life. But not knowing how to answer a question had never stopped him before, and to his great relief, that ability did not fail him, now.
“With or without a weapon, sir?”
Saxton immediately roared with laughter. He was beginning to like this bloke.
“That’s the spirit, mate!” he cried with genuine enthusiasm. “You know, I like the cut of your jib. How’d ya like to come along with me on me next hunting expedition?”
Soldier’s eyes lit up. He stood ramrod straight, and saluted the beefy Australian before him.
“Affirmative, Captain!” was all he could say before Saxton Hale bodily scooped him up, and began to carry him under his arm towards the double-propeller plane that sat about a hundred meters away, engines already running.
“Great! It starts now! Let’s go!” rang Saxton’s enthusiastic battle cry.
Soldier, being carried under Saxton’s arm, couldn’t help but be proud of himself. Somehow, in some way, and purely by being only himself, he had managed to make Saxton interested in him. Somewhere deep down in the back of his mind, he knew that he was going AWOL. He would miss the next battle, and there would be hell to pay with the Administrator. And yet, for all of that, he couldn’t care less. He had managed to snag a date with the man he adored, and neither heaven nor earth nor sweet America itself was going to change that.
It was a date, right?
He spent the next hour listening, enraptured, to Saxton’s tales of wild locales, exotic animals, and nail-biting fights to the death. He sat in one of the jump seats of the plane, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, head cradled in his hands, for the next two hours, barely moving as he let Saxton regale him with his stories. It barely even felt like five minutes, he was so enthralled. He’d almost completely forgotten how or why he’d gotten into the plane in the first place.
Almost.
Saxton had just finished up a story about a particularly intense wrestling match with a giant anaconda, and was laughing heartily over it, when he suddenly stood and opened the side hatch of the plane. Soldier was startled, which was saying something –it took a lot to startle Soldier. But then, Saxton Hale was a lot.
“Ready, mate?” Saxton yelled over the noise of the wind rushing by. Soldier looked around for a parachute. It wouldn’t be his first time jumping out of a plane, and more than likely, wouldn’t be his last. But there had always been a trusty parachute strapped to his back, and now, there were none in sight.
Seeing Soldier’s reaction, Saxton misinterpreted it as nervousness and chuckled. “Ah, don’ worry,” he said by way of explanation. “Stick with me. You’ll be just fine.”
It was while his back was turned, still searching for the elusive parachute, that Soldier felt himself yanked back by the uniform. Before he knew it, he was pitching out of the plane backwards, watching it get smaller and smaller as he fell. He saw Saxton jumping out of the plane after him, limbs all spread wide, as if the jump were nothing more than a dip in the swimming pool.
This is not how dates are supposed to go, thought Soldier.
He didn’t have time to dwell on the thought for long, as Saxton caught up to him and wrapped a thick arm around Soldier’s waist, twisting him around. The two tumbled over each other a few times, somersaulting in the air as they fell, before Saxton managed to aright them both. For all the danger involved, Soldier was inwardly grinning.
Saxton had his arms around him. Even if the two splattered onto the ground in a mess of bones and blood, he was going to die happy.
The ground grew nearer and nearer, and for the first time, Soldier began to worry. He trusted Saxton inherently, the kind of blind faith that comes with idolized worship, but staring one’s own imminent demise straight in the face is a pretty sobering thing. They had just gotten close enough to the ground where Soldier couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, when Saxton reached out, grabbed a tree branch, sent them all flipping around it a few times, then released his grip and allowed them both to gently fall to the ground. Saxton was still standing. Soldier crumpled in a heap.
Soldier’s helmet landed next to them, almost as an afterthought.
Abruptly letting go of Soldier, Saxton walked over, picked it up, and brushed it off before handing it back to the speechless American.
“There ya go. Now. Let’s find us some jaguars.”
And with that, Saxton Hale went marching off in the direction of the thickest patch of jungle he could find.
Soldier looked around. They were surrounded by dense rainforest, and he could hear birds chirping and insects buzzing. It was hot, very hot, and Soldier allowed himself to loosen his collar a bit. He stood, carrying his trusty helmet under his arm, and went off after Saxton. He had no idea how they had survived what had just happened, but somehow, he admired that man all the more for it. He stood up and enthusiastically followed Saxton into the dense underbrush.
No sooner had he caught up to Saxton than the Aussie put a finger to his lips and shushed him. Soldier hadn’t been talking, but made it a point to shut up, anyway.
“It’s close …” was all Saxton whispered before bending a palm frond back and carefully making his way forward. Soldier went to follow, only to get smacked in the face by the rebounding palm. He brushed it aside and continued after, loosening more and more of his uniform as he went.
The heat was oppressive, even for Soldier, who was used to sweating profusely under the New Mexico sun. He began to wonder how a big cat, covered in fur, could survive in such an environment. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, Soldier figured. Saxton Hale was about to kill it, anyway. That’s when a thought occurred to Soldier.
He was going to have to kill one, too.
This was a predicament. If a jaguar had threatened his base, his friends, or his sweet Land of Liberty, that would be one thing. But this jaguar hadn’t done any of those things. Soldier had been so focused on the object of his affection that he hadn’t even considered that fact until now, never mind that he hadn’t actually ever fought one, before. Or any wild animal, for that matter. Unless raccoons counted.
Well, he was in it up to his eyeballs, now. No going back. He decided to focus on the figure blazing the trail before him, watching Saxton’s tight muscles gleam beneath a thin veneer of perspiration. Soldier liked what he saw. So much so, that he all but took his coat off, and tried to keep himself from drooling. It was already hot, he didn’t need getting himself any hotter. He averted his eyes, trying hard not to think un-American thoughts.
After a few minutes, Saxton stopped, and crouched low to the ground behind some exotic plant. Soldier followed suit, crouching behind him. Saxton turned to Soldier, and gestured forward with a jerk of his head. A large, spotted cat was in a tree just ahead, snoozing away.
“Straight ahead, mate. Ain’t he somethin’? Gonna give us a good fight, this one.”
Soldier could only nod in response, not trusting his voice to speak. He still had no idea what he was going to do, or how he could get out of the situation he found himself in. It went against his principles to fight a beast with which he had no quarrel, but if he didn’t, he’d lose any chance he might have with Saxton. Soldier began to think quickly.
Saxton had turned around once more to face the creature, sizing it up as it lazily slumbered on its branch. Soldier reached forward to tap him on the shoulder, and tried not to look nervous as Hale turned around to face him once again.
“What is it?”
Soldier spoke quietly. “Question – how can we be certain there are not other jaguars in the vicinity?”
Saxton considered this for a moment, tilting his head to the side. Then he broke out in a wide grin.
“The more the merrier, mate!” he whispered enthusiastically, turning back to face their prey, which was now yawning.
Soldier’s mind raced. He had to think of something else. He tapped Saxton on the shoulder again. The Aussie turned to look at Soldier, mild annoyance written all over his face.
“What now?”
“I am without my weapons, sir.”
“Then use your fists!” Saxton hissed, returning his attention to the jaguar that was stretching out its front legs.
Soldier’s mind raced. Suggestion hadn’t worked, excuses hadn’t worked, that only left one option – distraction. He tapped Saxton on the shoulder for a third time, bracing himself for the look of irritation that Saxton, predictably, was now wearing.
“What the bloody hell is it now?” he asked, obviously peeved.
There was only one distraction Soldier could think of, a technique he rarely used, but which had never failed him. Without hesitation, he grabbed Saxton’s face with both hands, and drew him forward until their lips met. He held them together as several seconds passed, not wanting the moment he’d been dreaming of to end. He finally pulled apart, and looked carefully at Saxton, inspecting his expression.
It was one of absolute shock. Saxton blinked. Soldier blinked back. They stared at each other. Finally, the corners of Saxton’s mouth began to turn upwards, just the tiniest bit. Then a little more, and a little more, until he was full on smiling.
“Well, if that’s what you were after, why didn’t ya say so!” Hale roared, treating Soldier to another hearty back slap that nearly sent the American sprawling. “Ya didn’t have to come all the way to Central bloody America for that!”
Soldier couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t been rejected. In fact, his feelings had been reciprocated. Suddenly, the heat, the hunt, everything around him disappeared. He found himself smiling even more than Saxton was. He was elated, floating on a natural high that nothing could bring him down from.
Except a pissed off jaguar.
Alerted to their presence by Hale’s sudden outburst, the big cat had sprung into action. It had barely given a growl before crouching on the branch where it was perched, and springing directly at them, teeth bared and claws outstretched. Soldier saw his life flash before his eyes, from potty-training memories all the way up to the kiss he’d just shared with Saxton. He regretted nothing and everything at the same time.
It was weird.
He needn’t have worried. Without even bothering to turn around, Saxton, still grinning at Soldier, reached an arm behind him and balled his hand into a fist. The cat made contact with an audible thunk, then fell flat onto the ground, knocked out cold. Still not turning around to grace the unconscious jaguar with so much as a glance, Saxton stood and held out his hand to Soldier, who gratefully took it and allowed himself to be pulled up to his feet. His legs felt wobbly, and he had no idea if it was from the jungle heat, his close encounter with a deadly animal, or his overwhelming feelings for Saxton. Regardless of what it was, he found himself gazing up into the eyes of the untamed man he adored, and found himself almost blushing.
“C’mon, mate! Let’s you and me have a proper sit down over some steak and eggs, whaddya say?”
Soldier said yes.
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flslp87 · 1 year
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Updated 12/30/2022 for New Year’s 2023
It’s been three years since I put together this little ficlit together. But every year, I pull it out and add to it. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll have a complete story.
Life has changed a lot for many of us since OUAT ended. While I’ve not been writing (or really even reading) fanfics, I haven’t said goodbye to writing, though. I’ve been writing small town mystery romance. My books are available in all Estores. You can check them out here.  Swan Harbor Books 
Some of my friends that I met through our love for CS @imagnifika  @duathadun @lfh1226-linda and Maggie for hanging with me through it all. 
My hope is for 2023 to bring peace and happiness to all. Remember - without hope, there would be no happy endings. 
This ficlet follows canon from my Season 7 Canon divergent -- A Happy Ending Begins with Hope. It can be found on AO3, FF, and tumblr with gifs. 
Summary: Hope has a date.  How will her family react?
Hope’s New Year’s Date
Words ~ 1500
During Hope Jones’ young life, Storybrooke had gone through many changes, and none more so than around the holidays. They had town Easter Egg hunts, fireworks and picnics in July, bonfires for Halloween, family feasts at Thanksgiving, and caroling at Christmas. 
Hope had memories of each one of them. However, there was one event that she had been looking forward to for years, and that was the Snowflake Ball. 
Held every New Year’s Eve, the Snowflake Ball was only for those who were sixteen and above. Everyone brought out their formal clothes and danced until midnight. And, if she was lucky, the man she was crushing on would ask her to go with him. 
Gideon Gold was ahead of her in school and so dreamy, he made her head spin. Plus, when he looked at her with his chocolate brown eyes, her heart raced, and her breath stuck in her throat. 
She’d been crushing on him for years, but it had only been in the last six months that he’d given her the time of day. Did that mean that he was seeing her as more than a girl? If so, was it possible she’d finally get to spend the evening with him — as his date? 
Two weeks before the New Year’s Eve Ball, Hope was at Granny’s with her best friends, Melanie and Robyn, bemoaning the fact that Gideon still hadn’t done as she wished. Her only saving grace was that he’d not asked anyone else either — of that, she was sure. So far, she’d tried everything she could think of to let him know she was available. At the speed he was moving, though …. 
“Earth to Hope.” Melanie snapped her fingers several times. “Earth to Hope.” 
“I’m sitting right here, Melanie,” Hope grumbled. “What’s the problem?” 
“You were staring off into space again,” Robyn replied. “Were you dreaming about Gideon?” 
“Shush,” Hope hissed. “He’s sitting right over there!” 
“He can’t hear us,” Melanie assured her. 
Hope glanced over her shoulder toward where Gideon was sitting with her uncle, Neal, and had to agree with Melanie. There was no way they could be heard from that far away. 
“You should have told your uncle to tell Gideon to ask you out,” Robyn suggested. “It would have saved a lot of circling around each other.” 
“Don’t you know circling around each other is part of the fun?” Hope grinned. “Or at least that’s what my mother says.” 
“You don’t believe her, though. Do you?” Melanie followed up. 
Hope glanced up from where she’d been pleating and unpleating her napkin. “Why would you say that?” 
Melanie nodded down at the table. “Because you’re nervous. If you were having fun, you wouldn’t be nervous.” 
Did she agree with her friends? She wasn’t so sure. Yes, she enjoyed flirting with Gideon. But it would be so much easier to enjoy flirting with him, if she knew what he thought of her. 
“You could ask him, you know?” Robyn offered pragmatically. “This is the twenty-first century, after all.” 
“I know,” Hope sighed. “But …” Again, her gaze was drawn over her shoulder to the table where Gideon and Neal were still involved in a deep conversation. Robyn was right. She could ask him. 
“Go on,” Melanie encouraged. “But what?” 
Hope shrugged. “My father is a little old-fashioned and well …” 
Robyn frowned. “But didn’t I see in the book that your mother asked your father out first?” 
“That was different,” Hope murmured. “My father didn’t think he was good enough for my mother.” 
“And you don’t think that’s an issue with Gideon?” Melanie asked. “After all, his father and your father have a history.” 
“Which I’m fully aware of,” Hope snapped. “But I want him to ask me. Do you think I’m expecting too much?” 
“I would say ‘have hope,’” Melanie grinned. “But something tells me you don’t need it.” 
“Why?” 
“Because,” Robyn tipped her chin slightly in Gideon’s direction, “ he’s headed this way.” 
“He’s what?” Hope squeaked. 
“On his way over,” Melanie whispered. 
Hope glanced over her shoulder, and when her gaze briefly met Gideon’s, her heart dropped into her stomach. 
Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! She leaned on the table. “How do I look?” 
Melanie rolled her eyes. “You look fine. Stop worrying.” 
“Hope,” Gideon’s aftershave titillated her senses, “can I speak with you for a moment?”  
Hope’s gaze slowly lifted until her blue eyes clashed with his dark ones. “Sure.” She wanted to roll her eyes at just how breathy she sounded. “Can I help you with something?” 
Gideon’s gaze touched on Melanie and Robyn, then back to Hope. “Can we speak alone? Would that be alright?” 
“Oh, Okay. That would be fine.” Then she wanted to roll her eyes at how ridiculous she sounded. 
“Can we talk now?” Gideon asked again. 
“Go on,” Melanie mouthed. 
Hope took a nervous breath and slid out of the booth. The butterflies in her stomach took off at once. It forced her to focus on putting one foot in front of the other as she followed Gideon across the floor. 
He led her around the building to a secluded corner and crowded her, pushing her to back up against the wall. Being close to him was everything she’d ever wanted, but now that it was happening, her heart was racing, and the urge to giggle was strong.   
“Is this okay?” Gideon asked hesitantly. “I noticed that—“
“—Everyone was staring at us?” Hope muttered. 
“Yes.” Gideon smiled. “Are you okay with that?” 
“Why wouldn’t I be?” 
“Well,” he went on. “Our fathers …” 
“Will never be best friends,” Hope replied. “Why?” She hesitated for a beat. “Are you scared of my dad?” Then she wanted to smack herself in the head that those words had fallen from her mouth. “Scared?” Gideon laid his hand on his chest. “Me?” 
“There’s no one else out here.” 
“I’m not scared.” Gideon propped one hand on the building next to her head and leaned in a little closer. “Should I be?” 
“It depends.” 
“On?” 
“Why you brought me out here?” 
Gideon’s gaze dropped to her mouth, then right back up. It caused her lips to tingle and made her wonder what it would feel like if she just went for it. 
“Hope.” He brushed her hair behind her shoulder and took a half step closer. His dark eyes mesmerized her, and his heat reached out. “I was wondering if you would go to the Snowflake Ball with me?” 
Her breath caught, and the words Be cool! Be cool! were on repeat inside her head. But having Gideon ask her to go to the dance had been her dream for longer than she could remember. “Yes!” She fought to keep from squealing. “Yes, I’ll go to the dance with you.” 
A slow smile crawled across Gideon’s mouth. “You will?” 
“I will.” 
His eyes twinkled, and before he even opened his mouth, somehow, she knew what he was going to say. “And you’ll protect me from your father? If it’s necessary, that is.” 
Hope giggled. “I’ll protect you.” 
“Good,” he replied in a husky voice. “I’ll pick you up at 8:00 p.m.”  
“I’ll be waiting.”  
Gideon brushed his knuckles down her cheek. “We’ll have fun.” 
Her breath hitched, and she fought to push the lump in her throat down. “We will.” 
“Shall we?” He inclined his head toward the diner door. 
In a daze, Hope followed him back inside and slid into her booth seat. “Well,” Melanie and Robyn cried simultaneously. “What happened?” 
“What happened?” Hope asked absently. 
“Did he ask you to the dance?” Melanie pushed. 
“Did you say yes?” Robyn followed up. 
“What are you going to tell you parents?” Melanie questioned. 
Hope glanced from one friend to the other. “What do you mean?” 
“You know the history between your fathers,” Robyn stated. “Will there be bloodshed?” 
“Bloodshed?” Hope giggled. “Aren’t you the one who said this is the twenty-first century?” 
“True,” Robyn sighed. “But that had nothing to do with the possibility of a duel.” 
Hope rolled her eyes. “There’s not going to be a duel. Everything will be fine.” 
“Good luck with that.” Melanie smiled sympathetically. “I’m glad I’m not you.”  
“Gee, thanks.” Hope glanced over her shoulder in Gideon’s direction again, and their gazes clashed. “I told him I’d protect him if I needed to.” 
Robyn waggled her eyebrows. “But who’s going to protect you from Gideon?” 
“Do you think I need to be protected from Gideon?” Hope murmured. “I’m not so sure.” 
“I guess it depends on what you want,” Melanie replied. “What do you want?” 
Once again, Hope’s gaze clashed with Gideon’s. What did she want from him? The memory of how he’d made her lips tingle when he’d looked at them had her turning back to her friends. “What do I want?” 
“Yes, Hope,” Robyn nodded. “What do you want?” 
“A kiss,” Hope sighed. “I just want a kiss.” 
***
Fin ... at least for now. 
Will she get it? Should the story be finished? 
Happy 2023! May all your dreams come true.  
Tagged a few people who were on the initial one.
@sailormew4 @annaamell @emmateo26 @bethacaciakay @ultraluckycatnd @effulgent-mind @ilovemesomekillianjones @kat2609 @brooke-to-broch @missgymgirl @galadriel26 @the-lady-of-misthaven​ @charmingturkeysandwich​ @jennjenn615​ @kimmy46​ @snowbellewells​ @iamanneenigma​ @daxx04​ @nickillian​ @in-spirational​ @gillie​  @britishguyslover​ @ginnyjinxedandhanshotritafirst​ @kmomof4​  @linda8084​ @golfgirld​ @captain-swan-coffee​ @searchingwardrobes​ @hollyethecurious​ @laughswaytoomuch​  @allyourdarlingswans​  @winterbaby89​ @facesiousbutton82​ @therooksshiningknight​, @lfh1226-linda​ @tiganasummertree​  @jrob64 @jonesfandomfanatic    @everything-person @girl-in-a-tiny-box @resident-of-storybrooke @qualitycoffeethings @sherifffjones  @countrybroadwayprincess    @tiganasummertree   @hufflepuffinstorybrooke   @kristi555    @nikkiemms @gingerchangeling @marcella2727    @idontdothatveryoften @lady-bell
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vel0city · 1 year
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◎ Do you ever regret being a hero?
    The guilt builds up inside of her, bubbling like boiling tar pits, feeling like the acid in her belly were going to eat through her stomach lining-- she felt the way her muscles tensed, her jaw clenching and grinding her molars-- the way she could distinctly feel each and every strand of fur raise on her body... Suddenly she was viscerally aware of her body, her meat sack that she was. The body that held her wayward spirit--trapped inside this shell that everybody had an opinion about--
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    The blue blur shakes her head, trying to be cool about it, trying to make it look like she's just getting her bangs out of her face, but her carefully crafted mask was cracking a bit. Why was she having such a hard time keeping this together? Come on, girl, you're embarrassing yourself here! You're supposed to be cool and collected, what're people gonna think when they see you being so afraid? How are people supposed to have hope if you're so...
    Scared?
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    Tears were burning, threatening to roll down her cheeks-- NO NO NO, don't start CRYING, don't do that HERE-- What if somebody SEES?! Then they'll be WORRIED, and then they'll have to look AFTER YOU, Vel! Everybody's got problems and yours are SO LITTLE! What have you got to complain about!? Oh it's SOOO HAAARD being a HERO, being BELOVED BY EVERYBODY. Come on, Vel, snap out of this stupid fit, you need to get your head in the game! Your fans are counting on you!
    Velocity could feel her heart rate quickening, feel like her blood was turning into acid, feel like everything was both too loud, and too quiet... not quiet, DISTANT. Her vision, her hearing, it felt completely separate from her, and her world was starting to spin. She crushed her ears to her head with her palms, eyes shutting tight as her knees hit the ground. Vel's breathing was suddenly very shallow and quick, and her chest burned from the inside out. Oh god, Oh god, Oh god, everyone's going to see--
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    "Yes, OKAY!? I hate it, is-- there I SAID it, is that what you WANTED? I hate it-- I hate how everything is my fault, whether I do everything right, there's always-- always something else and if I don't fix it, it doesn't get FIXED! Eggman locked me in solitary confinement on his stupid death egg FOR MONTHS, and the second I get out of there, everybody's like 'OH WOW VEL'S OKAY, NOW WE CAN FIGHT BACK AND SAVE THE WORLD, OUR HOPE IS ALIVE!'" She spits out, grabbing at her own throat, shocked by how ugly her voice sounded, how angry and hateful... the bitterness was cringe-inducing. She felt her body wrack with anxiety, but the adrenaline was also... giving her waves of relief, too. Like the rush of endorphins after moving a pulled muscle OUT of its pained position.
    "I'm not-- I'm not even a PERSON to any of these people! They didn't wanna save me, they wanted to save themselves, and-- and they just needed their SYMBOL back-- They didn't want ME! They never wanted me! I didn't ask to be anybody's HOPE, I just-- I stepped up because nobody else did! That's all it's ever been! I step up, 'cause I care, and how do I get repaid???"
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    "Ooooh, Vel, were you reaaaaaaaaaally tortured for six months on the Death Egg? You look fine to me! Oooooh, Vel, nobody can tell you're a girl you need to diversify your look! Ooooooh, Vel, being a girl is more than just having long eyelashes and a flashy hairstyle! Oooh, Vel, you hang out with so many guys, are you ashamed of bein' a girl? OoOooh, Vel, are you always hanging out with the boys because you can't get a boyfriend?" OooooOOooh, Vel, YOU SHOULD KILL DR EGGMAN if you REALLY CARED!'" She's doing a very silly falsetto as she speaks, standing up and wiggling her fingers, clearly letting her smaller resentments mix in with the more traumatic elements of her life, "OOoohh, Vel, if you REALLY cared about saving people, WHY HAVEN'T YOU KILLED DR EGGMAN YET?"
    The blue hedgehog stomps her foot down on the ground, digging her fingertips into her head quills, practically screaming out her answer, to someone who wasn't really there, but clearly had affected her a lot,
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    "IF YOU THINK IT'S SO EASY, THEN YOU DO IT! Why does it have to be ME!??!!? I don't LIKE killing anybody, I don't-- I don't WANT to do it! I'd always, ALWAYS rather find another way-- It's a last resort, and-- and I don't want to kill him! I hate him, I hate everything he's done to me, done to my friends, done to this FREAKING PLANET, but I still don't-- I still don't want his lifeless STARE haunting the rest of my LIFE!"
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    "I don't INVITE him to do the things he does, I just know that if I don't stop him, LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE WILL! You guys all PROVED THAT when he took over the world!!! It's NOT FAIR! It's not fair that I'm somehow-- I'm somehow responsible for EVERYBODY's happiness! What about MY happiness!? What about ME? Why can't you just-- FIGURE OUT your OWN baggage and take life into your OWN HANDS!!! I'm JUST! ONE! GUY! I don't spare him 'cause-- 'cause I HATE everybody, I just don't want his blood on my hands and-- and I know he'll go out and-- and cause even more problems but--"
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    Velocity sits down on the ground, her knees pressed tight to her chest as she continues to dig her fingertips against her quills. With every throb of her heart, she swears she can feel the live-wire that her nervous system currently is.
    "But it can't be me. I can't do it. I'm sorry, I know, that makes me the worst hero ever, but I-- I just can't do it."
[ don't reblog, but feel free to have your character witness it on the dash ]
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ursafootprints · 1 year
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pray tell what are gone fishing and neighbor's cat flash about? heheheeheh and i can guess what aliens2electricboogaloo is huehuehuehue snippet? ououououo
and tell me about your color coding system? c:
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(In regards to my WIP/snippet meme!)
gone fishing (NOT the actual title lmao) is my Starkercest AU where Peter does not tell his dad about his new superpowers because he wants to prove himself as a superhero first, and then is very, very irresponsible with his secret identity once Iron Man starts flirting with the new hero on the scene. (Or in other words, he catfishes his dad.) It has also literally been like 95% complete since June but I keep just not working on the only scene I have left to finish, you gotta love ADHD.
It was maybe one of the most awkward moments in his life full of awkward moments, but the next time Peter saw Iron Man on patrol, he did find the strength to take him aside and say, "About-- last time--" "Oh, we're going to talk about it," Iron Man said, and it was so hard to read his tone when he was in the suit, but Peter thought he sounded nervous. "Yeah, um," Peter said, rubbing at the back of his neck and trying to remember the script he'd come up with. "I'm-- sorry for running off like that, I know that wasn't-- super mature, but I just… panicked a little, because I'd never thought about… if you actually…" 'Wanted me' stuck itself under Peter's tongue and wouldn't come out, because thinking about someone wanting him still felt foreign and ridiculous and embarrassing, and he was agonizingly aware that he was talking to his dad in a way that he wished he would have been when Tony had kissed him, and when he didn't finish his sentence Tony shrugged.
neighbor's cat Flash is a SpideyFlash fic where Flash essentially annoys Spider-man into being friends with him (much like your neighbor's cat who pressgangs you into being their second owner even though you KNOW they're getting fed across the street because they just keep showing up at your door and aggressively demanding your attention,) and over time they turn into real friends(/Flash's immature hero crush becomes a very real and present crush) and it causes ~ripples~ for their dynamic at school because Flash stops being such an asshole under Spidey's influence. Lots of exploration of Flash's home life/internalized homophobia/things that I think would be interesting if they were influencing his canonical assholishness!
I don't have a genuine snippet to share because it's only in outline form, but it IS 100% outlined from beginning to end-- I'm not sure if I'll actually write it or just rework the outline into a bulletpoint fic, since I came up with the idea during the very narrow window between first getting into MCU Spider-man fandom and then pivoting H A R D to specifically Starker fandom, haha.
You know EXACTLY what aliens2electricboogaloo is lmao, but for everyone who doesn't, this is an idea of @king-of-kaoss's riffing on the scene in Infinity War where Peter's like, "if an alien lays eggs in my chest and I eat you, I'm sorry," and that's not exactly what happens but Peter DOES end up as a mutated monster alien thing and he makes it Tony's problem in a sexy way.
Peter crowded Tony against the wall and bent to bring those sharp teeth toward his throat, and if Tony couldn't believe how many things he'd survived just to get his throat ripped out by the mutated version of his own protégé, he was at least grateful that he wouldn't have to face May Parker's wrath at seeing what he'd allowed to happen to her nephew. And then Peter nuzzled into his neck, and said with a voice that was low and guttural and still somehow Peter's, "Mr. Stark, I think something's wrong with me."
Color-coding! It's kinda-sorta by ship, and then kinda-sorta by specific type of AU so that it's not just a wall of Starker-color? Green is complete, bright red is for whatever chapter of YNYD I'm currently writing (or, eventually, whatever my main priority at that time is, once I'm done with YNYD), deep red is Starker, purple is omegaverse ideas (so daddy long legs was also purple until I finished it), blue is Spiderio stuff and the lone yellow one is because it's Toomes/Peter. (That one and post-spiderio are ALSO Starker, but like, I gotta break up the wall of deep red somehow.)
Thank you for playingggg 💖💖💖
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// Echo: Okay, truth or dare? Phillip: Truth Echo: How many hours have you slept this week? Phillip: Phillip: ...Dare Echo: Go to bed. Phillip: I don’t like this game. Echo: *Kicks the door down looking panicked* Phillip: What did you do? Echo: Nobody died. Phillip: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?! Phillip: You need to be more careful! Echo, who was dragged into Phillip's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT- Echo: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Phillip, taken from us in the prime of life; when they were crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk. Phillip: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death. Phillip: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey! Echo: But I'm a vegan. Phillip: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness. Echo: What the fuck is wrong with you?? Phillip: What? No good morning? Echo: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you?? Phillip: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Echo: What's that? Phillip: Remorse code. Echo: I'm even angrier now. Phillip, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY! Echo, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds. Phillip: I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone. Echo: And I need you to be less vague and weird.
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A Royal Love
Royalty AU. Day 4 “Royalty” for Fluffvember. The day after their wedding, Agi reflects on her feelings for Estinien. SFW.
Agnes, Princess Royal of Vylbrand and now wife of the King of Ishgard, awoke to find herself alone. Our wedding…and wedding night…oh goodness. He’s so wonderful, but where is he? Probably dealing with official business and didn’t wish to wake me. He’s so sweet! She stretched her arms, arched her back slightly, and sighed. Maybe he left a note? Or do they not leave notes in Ishgard? Just as she sat up in bed, there was a knock on her bedroom door. “One moment!” She quickly put on her nightgown and robe and then hurried to the door.
“Good morning, my queen.” Her HUSBAND HE IS MY HUSBAND said with a bashful smile, holding a large tray. “I’ve procured us some breakfast, should you be hungry.”
Shocked and incredibly touched, Agnes moved aside with a small smile on her face as he walked by. She closed and locked the door and practically bounced to the bed where he laid down the tray and sat on the bed. Gods, he’s wearing that same black silk robe from last night. So handsome my husband is! “I am hungry now that you say it. What time is it?” She asked as she removed her own robe and sat opposite him.
“Half past ten. Aymeric apparently told the King’s Council and lords that today and tomorrow are for us unless there’s an emergency of course.” Of course. He smiled softly before kissing her cheek. GODS! “I didn’t know what you wanted, so I brought a selection of muffins, scones, scrambled eggs, crispy popotes, smoked fish—”
Oh gods, did he go into the kitchens and just take everything?!?! Agnes wrinkled her nose and giggled. “I’ll have a scone and some coffee.” She could feel herself blushing and tried to will it to stop. “Thank you.” Agnes said softly, one of her hands now grazing his arm that was pouring her coffee.
Oh shit he’s blushing too!! “Think naught of it, Agi. There will be many days where my duties will interfere with us having quality time together…I simply wanted…”
Her gaze shifted for a moment to the bouquet from yesterday. Our wedding day. Red Camellia: you’re a flame in my heart. White Clover: think of me. Hibiscus: delicate beauty. Morning Glory: affection. “That you thought of me by bringing me breakfast in bed is the sweetest thing in the world, my dear husband.” She looked back at him, catching his gaze, and grinned. “Thank you so very much, Estinien.”
A strangled noise came from his throat, and he nodded quickly, still blushing. “W-would you like milk and sugar?”
“Yes please. Light and sweet is how I take my coffee and tea.” She said sweetly, breaking a piece of the scone off and putting it in her mouth. Delicious. I can taste orange and cranberries.
Smiling crookedly, Estinien nodded. “You are light and sweet, my pretty wife.”
AHHHHHHHHH OH MY GODS HE’S TOO CUTE!!! Agnes let out a decidedly unladylike squeal and lunged at Estinien, kissing him passionately. HE. IS. SO. FUCKING. CUTE!!!! ADORABLE!!! EXTREMELY HANDSOME!!! My Estinien…my king… When she pulled back, she felt heat on her cheeks. “Oh gods, sorry! I just thought—”
Still in shock, Estinien shook his head. “Nay, all is well. I…I liked that very much. You’re so full of life and love. Tis one of the many things I…love about you, sweetheart.” His face and ears are bright red. Wait a second…HOLY SHIT HE LOVES ME?!?!?
“Y-you love me?” She whispered, forgetting that her leg was crushing the scone.
He nodded and looked down at his hands shyly. “Aye. From the first moment I saw you…I don’t expect you to feel this way about me…not so soon…but mayhap, I may earn your love…”
For a few moments, silence hung heavy in the room.
Agnes reached for his face and cupped his cheek. “Why earn what you already have, my king? You have had my heart since the night of the banquet. Since you sent that letter and flowers. And every bouquet every day since then.” He picked his head up, his gaze meeting hers. His eyes full of hope. “Everything you’ve said in those bouquets---the thought and care of choosing each flower to represent your feelings---filled me with such joy. Every morning I couldn’t wait to see what you had sent me.” Blushing again! Oh dear! “I loved them all, as I love you.”
A sound that to Agnes seemed to be a soft sob escaped him as he took her hands in his and lifted them to his lips. “My lady…my wife…I love you with all that I am…”
“And you with all that I am.”
The moment was interrupted by a loud rumble from Estinien’s stomach, causing them both to laugh. “Breakfast, my love!” His voice boomed as he grabbed a plate of scrambled eggs with bacon. “Breakfast as we wait for your flowers to arrive!”
Gods, I love him. I love him.
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bvlgae · 2 years
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He hated all the movies that sold lies wrapped in glitter and glory, beating into people’s heads that one has to do something as cliché as squeeze the trigger.
“Don’t do that-” he instructs, hands like a wrench around the thin pipeline that was Sephiroth’s wrist.
“You’re thinking of actors playing at mastering a firearm. Are they squeezing it, are they pulling it? The force is being applied so quickly, is there even a difference? It doesn’t matter. A trigger does not know or care how force is applied to it.”
He can almost feel phantom pricks of stiff stubble biting into the raggedy fabric of his shirt, the heavy weight of Drautos’ chin against his shoulder- Bellies to the ground in the dust and the dead grass.
“You have to pull, straight back. Don’t clench any other fingers of your hand- I know it’s hard. But if the sights are on target when the shot breaks, you will hit it.”
The cool metal and worn wood of the rifle’s stock sliding through his hands as his superior tells him how he’s not going to eat, drink, or shit without that rifle by his side. 
Get to know your weapon, like the body of a woman. Touch it, jack off to it, fall in love with it. Then I’ll teach you how to kill with it.
He doesn’t quite go that far, finding the comparison distasteful and ultimately useless in familiarizing oneself with arms. Take it apart, like a puzzle. Put it back together. Clean it, care for it. Make it an extension of yourself.
Back when he was around Sephiroth’s age, he’d never fired a gun before. To do it with only a single bullet sounded easy. Just line up the muzzle with what you wanted to shoot and center it within your sights.
It was easy. Even easier when his target was bound to a tree, bleeding and shivering and gagged with an old sock stuffed down his throat as he pissed himself.
Ravus had pulled the trigger and the man’s entire body jerked. Contorted against the ropes keeping his arms trussed behind him like a stuffed chicken. Pink froth spilled from his half-open lips, shaking and twitching and shitting himself like the first time he’d watched a chasseur fail to kill a deer in one shot, splayed miserable on the soft forest floor with large, terrified eyes as involuntary groans oozed their way out of it’s bleeding throat.
Had to walk up and just beat the POW with the stock of his rifle until he finally stopped.
Please, please, Gods above- Just DIE, why won’t you die?! and then there was a crunch like a bird’s egg being crushed underfoot and sinking into the wet mud. The way his eyes got watery and shallow like looking into a puddle gathered between rain soaked cobbles. Saw his pale blue eyes reflected in them, filled with pain, but relief too.
The same way he’d looked when Sylva died.
He’d loved his mother. Lunafreya too, but what did love even mean- back then?
It was so loud. So loud that it was a clap of thunder in a clear sky. Then the wait as the bullet spit out faster than the speed of sound down the barrel, always a few seconds just before the bottle shattered.
How can he tell this boy he learned math by scratching out calculations in a stained notebook, trying to parse out the longest shot- The perfect firing solution. How many feet, kilometers, hundreds of thousands of millimeters.
A good sniper will always wait for the perfect shot, even if it takes him days. Weeks. He lurks, starving in the jungle while all the others hungry for the glory simply take the shot, whatever they can get, knowing another meal- another victim- is always coming. 
How did he look when he waited? Did his eyes go half-lidded and intimate once his sights found their target in perfect alignment, did his breathing mirror the deep rise and fall of the enemy’s chest? How did he imagine himself walking beside the other soldier, keeping in pace with those long strides as he stalked through the underbrush. Sucking in a breath. Holding it. Then watching as his torso was reduced to a fine mist, coffee still clutched between a spasming fist as his top half fell away from his lower body.
How can he tell Sephiroth THIS is why he’d learned his math?
He doesn’t. Can’t. Will never.
In his dreams, they’re always on the run. Hiding, cramped behind cover as the searching opposition fans out into the jungle. Sephiroth is crying, even for a quiet sob, the sound echoes off every rock face, rattles around between Ravus’ ears. The boy won’t stop, then suddenly he can’t breathe as Ravus’ fingers squeeze around him, neck going rubbery beneath. 
In his dream, he can’t stop crying, so Ravus can’t stop squeezing until she he isn’t crying anymore. He’s not doing anything.
“-are you listening to me?” Sephiroth asks, looking concerned as Ravus suddenly snaps back to the present.
“I’m fine,” he answers, smiling but it doesn’t quite touch his eyes. Reaches down and ruffles his fingers through locks of blonde silvery hair so pale, it’s like starlight when the sun catches it.
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jungle321jungle · 20 days
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All My On Hold Fics
All of them here. In a single list.
Other Masterlists - My Ao3
On Hold Fics:
Until The Day It Becomes A Pumpkin
When the Student Council President and Vice President are both crushing on the same guy- who is actually crushing on his friend and classmate- and the friend and classmate is crushing on a different friend and club member who is crushing on the Vice President, things get... complicated.
Wringing Troubled Waters From Stone
The last beach trip Logan has been on revealed what Janus Ekans truly was, and how insignificant Logan was beside him.
Logan had naively thought the waves of time had long since washed away any trace of his past... but Janus was back to do what he did best, and unfortunately his superiority wasn’t the only thing he brought with him.
One Selfish Change
“If you could make one small change to anything about your entire life what would it be?”
Janus had ignored the question initially before he had given his answer... To confess his love. But when that small change happened he found himself waking up beside his crush- and that alone should have been enough for him to shout for joy. But instead he stared at the foreign yet familiar face, wondering what exactly he had truly done.
A world world so similar yet so different at the same time. One with far too many changes to have occurred from a simple confession. A different world, one with no way out.
Probably Wont Be Finished Fics
Do Souls Taste Good? (You Seem To Like Them)
Souls taste like sugar, chew like stale gum, and go down like a rock only to dissolve into energy before they even hit the stomach. They're an acquired taste; one for murderers and kishin eggs and the demon weapons who take them down.
Dee has eaten ninety nine of them, and chews them like bubble gum until the flavor is all gone; Roman's not had half as many, but he only gives them a few cursory chews out of habit; and his brother Remus doesn't even have a dozen, but he always licks them with a grin before popping it in his mouth and swallowing hard so that it's path down his throat is violently visible.
They all think the souls taste too sickly sweet.
Run A Rig
He wanted the title, and the Captain wanted to be anything but idle.
The Siren wanted the sea, and the liar wanted all to be free.
They wanted their brother back, but each journey is more perilous than the last.
The Serpent’s Song is a ship for many, and at the same time a ship for none. Because when everyone runs a rig, nothing true can be done.
Sowing Dragons Teeth (Only on Ao3)
Roman knows the bartender with the pretty eyes is gonna be the death of him, regardless of the fact that he is already dead.
(Or undead.)
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write-nerdy-to-me · 3 years
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Noah: Have you ever heard the story of the black snake? Hey! Hands up. Once there was a crafty black snake who kept eating this poor chicken's eggs. She couldn't watch them all the time, you see? The black snake would wait until she was gone and then slide one of the eggs into his mouth and crush it in his throat. Now, this went on until there was only one egg left. But when the chicken left that egg, just for a moment, the snake swallowed it up. But for some reason, he couldn't crush it in his throat. The chicken had hard-boiled her final egg just to choke the snake. And the snake died. Castiel: Why are you telling this story? 
Noah: [ Chuckles ] Because I can't quite tell if he's the chicken or the snake. 
Castiel: We're done here. [ Castiel begins to fight Noah then he gets the poison kiss on the cheek. Cas faints as Jack watches. ]
idk man, i’m just thinking a lot of Thoughts™️ about 14x14 ouroboros and that chicken-egg-snake story. “it’s a story about greed mostly. but I guess it’s also – it’s also about being willing to give up the thing you love in order to kill the thing you hate.”  
how this man -- an equal-opportunity lover eater but was specifically choosing men at this point -- had poisonous kisses that rendered one paralyzed, speechless (tongues cut out, can’t move, unable to speak truth, stabbed in the back). how the kisses between queer men were weaponized, and how that was fine with the network to happen, bc it was negative, it was a poisonous kiss. but we couldn’t have a kiss between dean and cas, the mains, bc having a queer lead is bad, queer is monstrous, in this essay i will-- 
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turnpage · 3 years
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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list
generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by
feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.
❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ �� I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜
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chai-ssi-latte · 2 years
Text
paper rings 💞
Sebastian Stan
About: Sebastian was your celebrity crush when you accidentally slid into his DM’s. Few months later, you met him at an Awards Show. Let’s just say everything turned out well.
Masterlist | Prompt List | Masterlist (Taylor Swift Songfics)
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Gif not mine :)
“I’m so drunk,” you said, plopping on the bed next to your best friend. 
“My vision is spinning,” she replied, laughing as she did so. “What the fuck.”
“Sleep, dumbass,” you slur. You grabbed your phone from the nightstand, surprised at how it unlocked even with your messy face. You and your friend decided to have an alcohol night. She recently broke up with her ex-boyfriend, and because of work, she could not “grieve” properly. You both promised to get as drunk as you could. Reaching the point where both of you will be stumbling on the staircase on your way to the bedroom. 
As you scrolled through your Instagram feed, still feeling a little woozy, you saw Sebastian Stan posted a selfie. Smiling, you tap on his profile icon, which brings you to his account. You hit the message button and typed,
You're sp hsdnsome. Fick yuo. Handsime humsn. I hatr you si mcuh for being so handsoMe and not knwing me
You suddenly grew annoyed at Sebastian, remembering the time when he ignored you during the comic con where you both attended as actors. Did he think I’m a crazy fangirl when I smiled at him? 
OH and FUCK YUU FOR IgnORInG ME AT CMMIC CON YOU AND YOUR HANDSOME STUUPID FACEE!
As your eyes get droopy, you locked your phone, placing it back to the nightstand, and letting your drunkenness put you to sleep.
You woke up at the loud whines of your best friend at the bathroom. “Y/BFF/N! Shut up!” You yelled out, feeling the sting of your dry throat. I should’ve drank water last night. Unfortunately, you best friend didn’t stop. The sound of her throwing up and whining woke up your soul. “You better be thankful I’m the best best friend out there!” 
You throw your legs over the bed, staggering a bit when you sat up. Shaking your head, you ignored the light-headed feeling and stood up. You list down a couple of breakfast meals you can cook for you and your best friend. You heard avocado toast is really good when you’re suffering a hangover, or maybe bagel is better.
You were frying eggs when your best friend decided to join you in the kitchen, looking like a mess; the same mess that she was in last night. “My head fucking hurts,” she groaned. Laughing, you put a plate in front of her, placing the freshly cooked sunny side up, sliced avocado, and a bagel. “Thanks, babe.”
You also slid an ibuprofen on the table before pulling out a water from your fridge. “You always have the worst hangover,” you snickered.
“At least I don’t do dumb shit,” She bit back.
“I didn’t do no shit last night,” You said proudly. “We got drunk, went to the bedroom, and sleep.” You elaborated what had happened last night.
Your best friend rose a brow, “Really? That’s new.”
Sticking your tongue out, you made yourself comfortable and sat down on the chair, joining your friend on the breakfast.
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To say Sebastian was confused was an understatement. Not only he got an actress sliding on his Instagram DM’s, it also seems like they’re drunk messages. He just got back on his apartment, coming from a sleepover at his Mom’s place. 
His phone was completely ignored through the night, spending the family time with his Mom and some of his visiting cousins. They watched Marvel movies, skipping the ones that he was in. According to them, they had watched them many times because that’s how much they love him. Sebastian didn’t fight the idea, he’s not always that comfortable watching himself act anyway.
“Huh,” Sebastian muttered. “Fuck you for ignoring me at comic con. You and your handsome face.” he read out lout. He never read messages so mean yet so nice before. 
Sebastian sat on the couch, contemplating whether to reply or completely ignore the thread of texts from you. Did he really ignore you at comic con? Sebastian tried so hard to remember. 
“Some DCEU actors will be on the other side,” Anthony Mackie whispered on Sebastian’s ear. “Y/N included. You know the goddess I told you about?”
“Yes,” Sebastian rolled his eyes, “You’ve told me that for the thirtieth time now.”
“Just making sure you remember.” 
Sebastian heard a lot of cheers, he swore he even heard some voices cracked. Turning, he saw the actors from DCEU walked through the curtains. He specifically had his eyes focused on you as you conversed with your co-star Henry Cavill. Henry towers over you but not too much. You had your chin raised, and eyes looking up while talking to him, but not overboard. The black pumps you were sporting didn’t go unnoticed by Sebastian.
Your eyes met with Sebastian, your lips curling in a smile. Henry looked at the direction where you beamed.
Sebastian, however, froze in place. “Let’s go, let’s go!” Anthony took a hold of Sebastian’s arm. Turning away, he didn’t even notice he didn’t smile back at you.
“Fuck. I did.” Sebastian cursed. Well, kind of, but he didn’t mean to.
I hope you had fun at the party, if ever you attended one. I promise I won’t ignore you next time Y/N.
Sebastian clicked the send button, pleased at what he just replied.
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You have gone MIA in all of your social media accounts. Not only for the secret movie project you’re working with, but also to try and forget your dumb drunk moment on Instagram a few months ago.
You can’t remember yourself opening up Instagram and DM’ing the one and only Sebastian Stan. Not only you were mortified by your messages, you also wanted to move to Mars when you saw Sebastian have seen it and even replied! You almost threw your phone over the balcony that day, screaming at your pillows, and beating yourself up for your humiliating act.
“Y/N,” your best friend tapped on your shoulder. She was your plus-one on the red carpet. “Do you know who’s going to share this table with us?”
You shrugged your shoulders, “I really don’t know. Henry was put with the guys so...” you trailed, diverting your eyes to Henry. He’s sharing a table with Ben, Jason, and Ezra earlier, now including Amy and Gal.
“Wouldn’t it be weird if it’s just the two of us?” she further asked.
“Well... I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s gonna be with us.” You assured. “Just you wait.”
It took a whole hour before the place was filled with all of the actors and actresses attending the event. You passed by Henry’s table, after your trip to the bathroom. He allowed you to sit on his seat as you catch up with Ben and the rest of your co-stars. When the bright lights started dimming, that was your queue to leave. “Thanks, Henry.” You said, standing up from your seat, giving him a cheek kiss.
“Welcome.” 
You made your way back to your designated table, seeing it occupied with people now, and your bestfriend having a chat with certain someone. When you got nearer, you noticed that it was Sebastian, Anthony Mackie, and Chris Evans. You never wanted to turn away so fast and just go back to your co-stars. However, your best friend was quick to catch you.
“There’s my best friend!” she pointed at you. “She’s my plus-one.” 
“Hi...” You greeted, holding out your hand. “I’m Y/N.”
“Hi Y/N. Anthony Mackie at your service.” he winked.
“Chris Evans.”
You shook both of their hands, giving your best to hide your nervous smile. “Took you a long time leaving Henry, eh?” Anthony teased. You chuckled, the rumor of you dating Henry seems to be popular among the celebrities as well.
Your best friend stood up before you can sit next to Chris. She took the seat, looking up at you with puppy eyes but a taunting smile on her face. Your lips curled but sat down next to Sebastian anyway. 
“Sebastian,” he introduced. “It’s nice to meet you. Finally.”
“Y/N.” you grab a hold of his hand. “Um... yeah.”
The awkward moments soon turned to a pleasant ones when Anthony started cracking jokes, Chris joining him in the process. You were sure that you guys’ table has to be the loudest one, but all of you didn’t mind. You would clap and cheer when someone wins, would share opinions on the films presented, etc. It was a great evening even if you shared it with actors you haven’t worked with yet.
You and your best friend were waiting on the parking lot for the car that your manager has called for the night. “There it is.” 
When your best friend got in the car, you were stopped by a voice calling out to you. “Y/N!” Sebastian was panting when he arrived in front of you. “Hang on,” he said catching his breath. “Just a minute.”
You hold out your hand at the driver, who nodded at you, then rolling up the car window. “Are you okay?” You were concerned at how heavy Sebastian’s breathe were.
“Yeah.” then he looked up. He gave you a smile, “I forgot to ask for your number.”
“My- what?”
“Phone number.” Sebastian clarified. “Well, you mentioned earlier you’re single and not dating Henry,” he added. “You also said he has a girlfriend?” it was more of a question than a statement.
“Um...”
“I know it was awkward talking about the drunk texts and all in front of Anthony and Chris...” Sebastian trailed, “Maybe you can tell me about it on a date? Just maybe?”
You tried your best not to smile. You hold out your hand, “Phone.”
Sebastian quickly pulled out his phone from his pocket. “I’ll make sure to text you right away, Y/N.” he said when you returned his mobile to him. You gave Seb a hug goodbye. Sebastian sneaked a kiss on the temple before you pulled away.
“What was that?” your friend asked when you got inside the car.
“What was what?” you quizzed, hiding the blush on your cheeks. “To my apartment, Will.” you said to the driver.
Before your best friend can grill you with questions, your phone vibrated. 
Hey Y/N, it’s Seb. Take care and sleep well. 
It read. You grinned, and replied.
Thanks Seb. You too. Please drive safely.
Within seconds you received another reply.
No worries, your ‘celebrity crush’ is a great driver.
Your brows furrowed at the text. How did he-? You let out a sigh and looked at your best friend, who’s unsurprisingly snooping and reading the text on your phone already. 
“What? It’s true.” was all she said.
Just when I thought I’m done embarrassing myself...
You hit send.
You’re my celebrity crush too, ever since comic con.  Good night Y/N. Driving means no texting.
You swear your heart has never pounded this hard before. I’d marry this man in a heartbeat, even with a paper ring.
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Let’s be friends <3
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Text
Day 110: Rough
This can be read as a sequel to Day 106: Eyes or as a stand alone.
———————
Returning to Hogwarts for an eighth year was one of the terms of his parole.
Draco hadn’t realized just how horrible coming back would be, for a variety of reasons.
Many of those reasons had to do with the way that other students treated him, not because he felt he didn’t deserve it, but because he felt like he did. When fists came flying or when curses were thrown he couldn’t find it within himself to stop them. He deserved worse than the treatment he received, he knew it and so did they.
The only person who didn’t seem to be able to understand that was Harry Potter.
“Hey,” Potter said with a grin in his direction as he plopped down across from him at breakfast.
Draco looked around before accepting that he must be talking to him, “Good morning,” he replied neutrally, wondering why on earth the other boy had decided to sit with him.
“How did you sleep after Madam Pomfrey kicked me out?” Harry asked as he filled up his cup with coffee and topped off Draco’s while he was at it.
“Fine,” Draco replied, “you?”
“Honestly?” Potter asked, digging into his eggs, “I slept like crap. I get these awful nightmares sometimes.”
(Read more below the cut)
Draco looked down at his hands on the table. He didn’t want to talk about nightmares, neither Potter’s nor his own.
“Sorry,” Potter said, covering Draco’s hand with his for a moment, the rough calluses on his hand trailing over Draco’s skin and making something inside of him turn warm and soft.
It had been a long time since a hand had been extended in comfort, since someone had touched him outside of the purposes of healing him. He didn’t deserve it. Snatching his hand back, he asked, “Not to be rude, but why are you here?”
Potter smiled at him, “we’re friends now, remember?”
“You seemed pretty keen on the title of boyfriend last night in the infirmary,” Draco said before he could stop himself. His entire face and neck heated as he clenched his jaw shut in horror.
But the other boy’s entire face lit up and he smiled so widely that his dimples appeared. “Oh, excellent,” he replied. “I wasn’t sure that you felt the same way.”
Draco spluttered, “what?”
“It’s okay, if you don’t,” Potter assured. “Friends is good, too.”
“If I don’t?” he asked incredulously. “You’re everyone’s dream.”
He shrugged carelessly, “I don’t care about everyone. I just want to know about you.”
“You don’t like me, do you?” he asked, trying desperately to change the focus of this conversation. The last thing he needed was for people to know about his crush on Potter.
“I do,” Potter replied easily. “I find your bravery very attractive, I find your cleverness appealing, your dedication to working hard and doing your best. I admire how much you’ve changed and grown, it can’t have been easy,” he added with a little frown. “And to be frank, you’re really beautiful.”
He felt his checks flush hot at the compliment.
“Sorry,” Potter said with a little wince, “too much?”
“No, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop,” he replied.
Potter trailed his fingers over the delicate skin on Draco’s wrist, “so the question remains,” he said. “Do you like me, too?”
“I have for the past three years,” he blurted, “thanks for noticing.”
The shock on his face was priceless and it made Draco feel a bit light headed with giddiness. Then Potter burst out laughing and Draco’s heart expanded in his chest. “I’ve been told I’m a bit oblivious on occasion.”
“Ah,” Draco replied as he picked up a piece of bacon, “well, I don’t really imagine that it’s your fault. Malfoys are appalling flirts and I was dreadfully emotionally constipated.”
“I think we can both be forgiven for not noticing. We had a thing or two on our plates.” He smiled, warm and open and Draco couldn’t believe something so lovely was directed at him. “But we’ve got all the time in the world now. And there’s no one to tell us who to be anymore.”
“Thank Circe,” Draco breathed.
“So what do you say, Draco? Do you want to discover who we really are?”
His throat felt a little tight as he nodded, “More than anything.”
———————
Day 109: Coffee Shop | Day 111: Smile
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effeminateboyninja · 3 years
Text
~ A little bit of risk ~
(Shikamaru x reader) NSFW // 2.2k words
you and your boyfriend are out celebrating a friend's birthday but you can’t seem to keep your hands off each other.
cws: smut (obviously), semi-public sex, oral (male receiving), fem reader.
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The room was full of laughter and conversations you couldn’t hear over the loud music pulsing from the speakers. It was Ino’s birthday and of course she wanted it to be a big occasion. All of your friends had gathered to celebrate and a few hours and many drinks later the group was rowdy and loud. You could see Naruto and Kiba at the bar competing over who could down the most shots. That won’t end well, you thought to yourself with a smile. Choji was at a table laughing with Ten Ten and Lee enjoying a plate of snacks, Sakura was trying desperately to get Sasuke to dance with her to no avail, and the rest of your friends were scattered around the room either absorbed in their own conversations or on the dance floor.
You were standing with your boyfriend Shikamaru off to the side sipping your drink and taking in the upbeat scene while he leaned casually against the wall, arm lazily resting on your shoulder.
“C’mon (y/n)! Stop letting Shikamaru make you boring and come dance with me!” Ino stumbled over to you excitedly and grabbed your hand, you could smell the alcohol on her breath. “It’s my birthday after all.”
You both laughed and he rolled his eyes, motioning for you to follow her. You gave him a quick peck and followed the blond girl to the center of the room where the most people were packed and let your body begin moving to the music. Ino was one of your best friends and she really knew how to make you let loose, which you loved her for. The two of you danced together and a thin sheen of sweat began to cover your body as you let the loud bass of the music guide your motions.
Ino leaned in and shouted over the noise from the speakers, “You look really good tonight, I told you you should wear that dress!” She ran her fingers over the thin strap of your black, silk number. “Shikamaru sure seems to think so too,” she finished with a smirk.
You giggled and gave her a light punch on the shoulder before turning to glance at your boyfriend who was still leaning against the wall, now watching you intently with a lustful expression. Sensing his attraction you had an idea.
You turned to Ino and grabbed her shoulder, pulling her closer to you, an unspoken question in your smirk. She looked at you with a mischievous grin, understanding your plan immediately. The two of you starting moving once more to the music, this time letting your bodies meld together seductively with your arms around one another. As your hips moved in time with one another to the noise you could feel your boyfriends gaze boring into your back. You turned to face him and grinded your ass into Ino’s hips teasingly as she responded similarly placing her hands on your waist to egg him on. It had the exact effect you had wanted, causing him to take a long drag off his cigarette and try to discreetly adjust the growing bulge in his pants.
After a few more moments of provoking him you decided to make your move. You turned to Ino and wordlessly thanked her for helping with your devious stunt and she smirked knowingly, motioning for you to go reap the benefits of your plot. You crossed the room towards the man in the ponytail and stopped just a few steps short of him, looking to him innocently. He flicked his cigarette into the ashtray beside him and stood up straight.
"Come here."
Without a second thought you took his hand and let him pull you across the dance floor, past your friends who were too involved in their own conversations to notice the two of you slipping out the door quietly. Your heart was beating fast, a potent sense of excitement building inside of you. You knew exactly what he planned to do to you.
The cool air of the night was a dramatic change from the stuffy, overcrowded bar, and by this hour the streets were empty except for a few stragglers wandering home from their respective nights out.
He led you around the corner of the the building into the shadows of the alleyway and pushed you up against the wall, the cold concrete a shock against your warm skin. Before you had a moment to think his lips were crushing into yours with a ferocity that made you weak. Eagerly you returned his kiss, your tongues swirling in each other’s mouths passionately. He kept one hand on your wrist, pinning you to the wall and used the other to toy playfully with the hem of your short dress. You moaned desperately into his mouth, begging him to touch you where you ached for him most.
Instead he bit your lip and pulled away with a satisfied chuckle, reveling in how quickly you fell apart under his touch.
"Try to stay quiet, understand?"
You nodded eagerly, your body impatient for his touch. Satisfied by your answer he lunged forward and began attacking your neck with a series of kisses and short nips, his free hand snaking up your skirt to grip your ass firmly. A soft moan fell from your lips, “Shika...”
His grip on your wrist tightened and he growled, “I said be quiet.”
You whimpered and grinded your hips forward into his, desperately trying to produce a bit of friction to relive the desire building inside between your legs. With that he breathed out heavily and latched on to your mouth again, his hand finally releasing your wrist and moving immediately to the hem of your underwear, the other grasping tightly onto your hip.
“You are such a bad girl, you know that?” he whispered into your neck, his hot breath tickling against your skin. “Showing up in this,” his hand clutched roughly at the fabric of your dress, “and dancing like that in front of me so I have no choice but to fuck you instead of enjoying our friend’s birthday party.”
You moved your head up and down quickly in agreement, heeding his warning of silence and instead opted to bit your lip seductively like you knew drove him crazy rather than voice your desire aloud again. That, combined with your obedience defeated what little resolve in him remained to continue teasing you and he plunged his fingers into the thin fabric of your panties and found their way to your wet core. He worked his fingers in painfully slow circles around your clit and you felt the pressure building in your stomach. Your fingers tangled themselves into your boyfriends ponytail, and you pulled him in to suppress your moan against his lips. He smiled into the kiss, loving what he was doing to you and suddenly plunged his long fingers inside of you, filling you with pleasure. Giving you no time to adjust he began pumping them in and out at an impossible speed, curled at just the right angle to hit that perfect spot inside of you. He positioned his thumb over your sensitive button and rubbed it gently while he used his fingers to fuck you. He continued until you felt your orgasm wash over you and his unoccupied hand flew up to stop the loud moan that escaped from your lips from alerting anyone nearby to your presence.
After you had recovered from your bliss your eyes fluttered open to see his satisfied face. He took a step back and pointed demandingly at the ground in front of him.
“Knees. Now.”
The aggressiveness in his tone made your stomach flutter, and you followed his instructions as you dropped to the ground at his feet waiting eagerly for him to take it out. He undid his belt and pulled down the waistband of his jeans, allowing his member to spring forth. You mouth watered at the sight.
Wasting no time he grabbed the back of your head and forced his large cock into your mouth. You gagged a bit but quickly relaxed your throat, allowing him to fuck your face like he wanted, thrusting in and out as fast as you could handle. He let out a low groan, “fuck, (y/n), you’re so good.”
The praise turned you on even more and you pulled your mouth away, looking up at him deviously. “What happened to being quiet?”
He chuckled quietly and began to guide your mouth to his cock once more. You took him in gratefully, shaping your lips around his shaft and bobbing your head up and down rhythmically. He threw his head back and you glanced up at him from under your long lashes, he looked so fucking sexy having his way with you under the moonlight. You continued swirling your tongue around his member, eliciting low moans and curses from the shadow shinobi.
Shikamaru looked down at you sucking on his cock and he couldn’t take it anymore. If you went any further he was gonna burst, and he’d be damned if that happened before he could fuck you properly.
He pulled away and you looked up at him with what he thought was an adorably disappointed expression, but before you could protest he was pulling you up with his strong hands and lifting you of the ground to hold you at his waist. His fingers gripped your thighs tightly as he pushed you back up against the wall once more and you wrapped your legs around his hips. He pulled your underwear to the side in a swift motion and positioned his cock at your entrance, sliding it teasingly over your slit before he thrusted forward, quickly bottoming out inside of you. You let out a gasp and he began bucking his hips into you ferociously. Your walls tightened around his girth and you savoured the ecstasy of feeing him inside you.
“Fuck baby girl, you take my cock so well,” he sighed against your lips. You moaned into his and did your best to match his pace as you grinded your hips into his. Your ran your hands over his strong arms and chest, taking in every inch of the only man who could make you feel so good. You bounced up and down on his hard length and the sound of his hips slapping against your thighs echoed throughout the dark alley, any thoughts of being discreet absent now from both of your minds. In fact, the feeling that you could both be caught at any moment was intoxicating to both of you. His pace grew sloppy as both of you neared your peaks and you could feel your second orgasm building with in you.
“S-shika...” you moaned desperately, “I’m- I’m gonna cum.”
“Cum for me baby, I wanna feel you come undone on my cock.” He gripped the back of your neck tightly and sucked on the sensitive skin, definitely leaving a mark.
At his words you were pushed over the edge, the familiar feeling of euphoria quickly exploding from your core and spreading throughout your limbs. He thrusted deeply into you a few more times, helping you ride out your orgasm until the pressure of your hot cunt squeezing around his length was too much and he followed you into his own blissful finish, painting your walls with his thick cum.
The two of you stayed that way for moment, staring into one another’s eyes and catching your breaths. Once you had regained your composure you smiled and leaned in to kiss him. His soft lips meeting yours for embrace that was much slower and more gentle than the ones before. He pulled you off of him and set you gently on the ground, moving his hand to gently brush your hair behind your ear. You shared a small laugh at your antics and began readjusting your clothes and hair to prepare to face your friends inside like you you hadn’t just gotten the fucking of your life in an alleyway outside.
He took your hand and led you back into the dimly lit street, and you could hear the music once again pulsing from inside the bar. Kiba was standing outside the door with Shino talking loudly when he noticed you two round the corner.
“There you guys are! We thought you went home, lazy as you are Shikamaru,” he teased.
“We were just out for a quick cigarette. I wouldn’t skip out on Ino’s party so soon,” Shika lied smoothly, wrapping his arm around your waist.
Kiba looked at the two of you suspiciously, now noticing the slightly disheveled state of both your clothes and deep flush that still covered your face. Not to mention, he’d seen Shikamaru smoking inside all night. “Uh huh,” he replied accusingly, “sure.”
Your blush deepened and Shino let out a low chuckle, understanding exactly what Kiba meant.
“Anyway,” you interrupted before they could embarrass you even more. “We’ll be seeing you guys, we were just headed back inside.”
They laughed again and Shika rolled his eyes before leading you back inside, “we’ll have to do this again sometime. I quite enjoy having my friends know I get to fuck the hottest girl in Konoha whenever I want,” he leaned in and whispered it so only you could hear.
Your heart's pace quickened at his words and you punched him playfully but deep down you knew he was right. You really did have to do this again.
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