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fandomscombine · 3 years

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TUA Series Part 3: Luther

The Hargreeves Kerfuffle Part 3: Luther

The Hargreeves siblings x Hargreeves!Reader (Familial Relationship)

BG: The Reader is Number Eight. It follows how you fit into the structure of Season 1 and the family dynamic of the siblings.

This part follows and plays around with the scene when Five had just reappeared and all the sibling are in the kitchen in S1.

I have mashed up the information and some events from both the comics and the tv series.

The series will consist of 10 parts. Where the reader would have a focused interaction with each sibling. (Eg. After this part, it would be Luther x Reader, then Diego x Reader and so on! –Yes Ben is included)

WC: 1028

Contains: The Hargreeves being a mess. Luther being a piece of shit.

DISCLAIMER: I DON’T OWN THE TUA SERIES. THIS IS JUST BY A FAN WOULD REALLY ENJOYED THE SERIES AND WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE.

*ALSO NOT PROOFREAD

>>GENERAL MASTERLIST<<

>>THE HARGREEVES KERFUFFLE SERIES MASTERLIST<<

READ: [PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 4]

>>JOIN MY WRITING CHALLENGE!<<

Five isn’t willing to answer any of your and siblings’ questions until he had something to eat. Which lead to the 7 of you following him into the kitchen. You were all huddled around the end of the table watching silently as Five gathers for food, blipping in and out of the room.

No one dared to break the moment, still shocked and processing that Five, looking a tad older than you last saw him at 10 years old, but a young looking Five nonetheless, is here right now. Still not exactly believing.

‘What’s the date? The exact date.’ Five asks.

‘The 24th’ says Allison behind you.

‘Of what?’

Allison’s brows scrunches together but replies regardless. ‘March.’

‘Good.’ Five nods and continues adding marshmallow to his peanut butter sandwich, as if his question was totally normal.

‘So…’ Luther clears his throat, voicing out the question brewing in everyone’s mind. ‘Are we gonna talk about what just happened? It’s been 17 years.’

Five huffs, ‘It’s been a lot longer than that.’ Bliping out again, this time in the pantry, no doubt looking for coffee.

Causing Luther to almost jump out of his chair ‘I haven’t missed that.’

‘Where’d you go?’ Diego asks, moving the conversation back on track.

‘The future.’ Five mentions matter of factly. ‘It’s shit, by the way.’

‘Called it!’ Klaus whispered. You pushed Klaus’ head away, eager to not miss out on anything.

‘I should’ve listened to the old man. You know, jumping through space is one thing, jumping through time is a toss of the dice.’ Five mutters, though more to himself. The tension in the room is so tense, that even if a needle were to drop, you would still hear it.

Unfortunately for you, you did.

‘get out of the way y/n! i don’t want to see your face anymore.’

Five’s final words came rushing back and so did the pain. It’s been years since the incident, and you’ve convinced yourself that you had made peace with it. But seeing Five back here, in the present, stuck in his teenage self.

Shaking your head, you tried to clear your mind. NO Y/N NO! He hurt you when he left. You shouldn’t fell guilty for him disappearing, it was his choice, his action to do what he did. Taking a couple of deep breaths, you attempted to discreetly brush away the water from your eyes. Which of course, the ever protective, Mr. Hero Complex noticed.

‘heyyy it’s okay.’ Diego whispers, wrapping you into a warm side hug.

‘Thank you Diegs.’ Leaning your head into his shoulder.

‘Wait, how did you get back?’ utters Vanya.

‘In the end, I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time.’

‘That makes no sense’ said Diego.

Five couldn’t help but roll his eyes. ‘Well, it would if you were smarter.’

Diego abruptly stands, ready to fight Five- Luther holds him back. ‘How long were you there?’

’45 years.’ That finally made Diego to stop resisting Luther’s grip. Five smiles into his coffee, noticing everyone’s startled face, he shrugs ‘ Give or take.’

Luther tilts his head, perplexed ‘So what are you saying? You’re 58?’

‘No, my consciousness is 58.’ Five points to his brain, then stands. ‘Apparently, my body is now 13 again.’ To drive the pint home, he flings his arms. The oversized suit jacket falling to his elbows.

Vanya looks to the rest of you, hoping to see to anyone else understands. ‘Wait, how does that even work?’

‘Delores kept saying the equations were off. Eh. Bet shes laughing now’ Five murmurs, for a second lost in thought. ‘So, heart failure huh.’

‘Yeah. That’s what the doctor-’ Responded Diego.

‘No.’ said Luther firmly.

‘Yes, Luther. Dad died of heart failure whether you believe it or not.’ You interjected. ‘How many times do I have to tell you this, there is no foul play.’

‘Oh yea? Then why is dad’s monocle missing? When we all know that he keeps it with him at all times?? Huh?’ By Luther is rising off his seat.

‘Luther calm down.’ Warned Allison but he brushes her off.

‘Humor me this y/n. Why were you here the day dad died?’ He was now jabbing a finger at you ‘More specifically, HOURS BEFORE HE DIED. CONVENIENTLY PRESENT IN THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.’

Before you could reply, Vanya beat you to it. ‘Are you daft Luther? Did you forget that y/n can SEE INTO THE FUTURE?’

‘I didn’t. But as I recall, you vowed t never step foot into this house ever again and cut all ties! YOU ALL LEFT! YOU LEFT ME BEHIND!’

At this statement, Diego let out laugh. ‘Left you behind? LEFT YOU BEHIND? We were all gonna leave this depressing piece of crap for a healthier life, you were part of it, Luther.’ Staring straight into his eyes. ‘BUT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT RATTED US OUT AND CHOSE TO STAY! SO, DON’T YOU DARE TURN THIS ON US.’

‘Heck yes you all vowed to not come back, but you did- because Dad had died. But don’t you think it’s suspicious that she would come here on her own accord early? Who knows what they could have talked about in his final hours?? She was even the one to inform us! Not mom, not pogo. Her.’ Not daring to break the stare down, Luther called out ‘There is only one way to know the truth…. Allision.’

‘NO, Luther! I am not doing that to my own sister, not after Claire.’

‘FINE, GUESS I HAD TO FIND PROOF THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.’ With that, Luther turns his back on his siblings.

He pauses next to you and threatens. ‘I swear y/n, I will find out what you did and I would get Allision to Rumour the truth out of you, soon or later.’ On his way out, he had ripped the door out of its hinges.

‘Hmm” Five clicks tongue ‘Nice to see nothing’s changed.’

‘Uh that’s it?’ Allision crosses her arms. ‘That’s all you have to say?’

‘What else is there to say? The circle of Life.’

END OF PART 3

READ: [PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 4]

Taglist [All]: @gruffle1

Taglist [TUA]:@herecomesthesun1969 @alabaster1223 @ultraviolet-m @winterierwriter @lordofthunderthr @grapesauze @xbarrjallenx @white-wolf-buckaroo @yoheyyosup @infinitystones2018 @94seun @buckynatlarry @thegirlwholikestomanythings @just-some-stars @97yrm @2cuteforyourlies @e-bendy @criminallyhamilton @aqarath @change-the-world-someday @sambucky8 @spankin-soda @big-galaxy-chaos @neenieweenie

@okimreadynow @weird-pale-blonde-person @thebloodrobin @vicassa

Feel free to tell me to you want to be tagged for the series or for all/any other of my fics.

Would love to hear your opinion on the series so far too!

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bsd-bibliophile · 4 years

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BSD-Bibliophile 2019 Top Ten

#10 Post:

I’m in no position to stand above humanity, acting as prosecutor, or judge. I have no right to condemn others. I am a child of evil. Beyond redemption. I suspect my past sins are fifty or a hundred times greater than yours.

- Dazai Osamu, “Thinking of Zenzo” from Self Portraits

#9 Post:

I hate the idea of getting old and ugly, you know. I’m not so afraid of dying, but the ravages of age just don’t match my aesthetic.

- Dazai Osamu, “Urashima-san” from Otogizoshi

#8 Post:

#7 Post:

Disappearing into the darkened sky, The longing that consumed me in my youth-

Resembling the stars of a summer night as ever, Obscured in the vast distances as ever.

Disappearing into the darkened sky, The hope, the dream of my youth.

I just grovel on the ground here Like some kind of beast, thoughts darken

There’s no way of knowing When those darkened thoughts will break.

It’s as if I’m drowning in the ocean And can see the moon glowing overhead.

Now that the wave is so swollen, And the rising moon so crisp,

This longing that consumed me in my youth of quiet sadness Is on its way to disappearing into the darkened night.

- Nakahara Chūya, “Lost Hope” from Poems of the Goat

#6 Post:

#5 Post:

Nakahara Chūya Trivia

His old surname was Kashiwamura. Later on, because the Nakahara family (his mother’s side) was a wealthy landowner, his surname was changed to Nakahara.

He was a prodigy in elementary school. However, when his brother died in 1915, he turned to composing poetry out of sorrow. He later failed middle school because he was too engrossed in literature.

He translated around 60 poems by the French poet Arthur Rimbaud into Japanese. Due to their similar lifestyles, he gained the nickname ‘The Japanese Rimbaud’. (Other Source)

He had a mistress, Hasegawa Yasuko, when he was 17; she was noted to be older and taller than him. However, the following year, she left Nakahara to live with his best friend Kobayashi Hideo, which frustrated him greatly. (Other Source)

After Kobayashi left Hasegawa, she married and had a child; she named Nakahara Chuuya the child’s godfather.

Chuuya was noted to adore children, and spoiled them rotten. When his eldest son, Fumiya, died at the age of two, Chuuya had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized for a month.

After his death, Hasegawa Yasuko established the Nakahara Chuuya Prize to honor him. The prize only lasted a few years, with Tachihara Michizou as one of its notable winners. Another award with the same name was established in 1996 by Yamaguchi City.

He greatly looked up to Miyazawa Kenji, and he had been noted to hum Miyazawa’s poems from time to time.

He once spent a month in jail for smashing street lamps while in a drunken rage.

He was 151.5 cm (about 4'11.5") in height. The Bungou Stray Dogs version of Chuuya is 160 cm, so they actually made him taller.

He remained close friends with Kobayashi Hideo all his life, and entrusted the manuscript for Songs of Bygone Days to him while on his deathbed.

He died at age 30 due to cerebral meningitis.

Because of their lyrical qualities, many of his poems were used as lyrics in songs.

It is possible to buy an exact replica of his hat from the Nakahara Chuuya Memorial Museum.

“Some of Nakahara’s images and metaphors may strike the Western reader as strange. Notes have been provided wherever helpful, but in general this strangeness is not a product of any culture gap, nor of the translation process. It is Nakahara’s own.” - from the Note on Translation from The Poems of Nakahara Chūya

Nakahara worked one the only issue of the Blue Flower Magazine with Dazai Osamu and the two hated each other immediately. Dazai Osamu invited Kazuo Dan and Chuya to a bar in Higashi Nakano and described Chuya as looking like “a blue mackerel floating in the sky.” (Source 1, Source 2)

His ideal woman, the inspiration for his poem Michiko, was Hayama Michiko (the screen name of Ishikawa Seiko). She was also Tanizaki Junichirou’s sister-in-law and the model for the character Naomi in his novel A Fool’s Love. (Source)

(Trivia Source: Bungo to Alchemist Wiki *italicized sections are added by me* - Image Source: tsukiko-ciah.tumblr.com)

#4 Post:

If you have only watched episode 31 of Bungou Stray Dogs and have not read chapter 39 of the manga, this is definitely worth reading. If you only watch the anime you are missing out.

If you’re not convinced check out my analysis under the cut.

Bungou Stray Dogs is more than just an anime series full of supernatural powers, action scenes, and tension between a detective agency and the mafia. The series is based on world famous literary figures, and by doing so invites its readers to compare BSD to the beloved authors and literary masterpieces it features. You are supposed to look closely at the characters, their backgrounds, development, and compare them to the authors and literary characters who inspired them. You are supposed to look closely at the plot, dissect it, notice foreshadowing, and analyze how events are sequenced and presented. Asagiri Kafka, the author of BSD, has obviously written the series in a way that gives bibliophiles a chance to compare, analyze, and dissect the series to their heart’s content.

The anime does a great job of making the characters Harukawa35 created move and interact in a beautifully animated world. The voice actors put everything they had into their performances and as a result the characters have very distinct voices that reflect the characters’ personalities and traits and draws audiences deeper into the world and story of BSD. The action scenes and moments of suspense are amazing to watch with a heart pounding soundtrack to match. Visually and audibly the series is superb.

However, if you only watch the anime then you are missing out on a lot of the details that make BSD so intricate and adds all the depth to the series. The anime has only so much time, and as a result various moments, scenes, and characters get cut. The anime also has a tendency to prioritize certain characters above others, so anime viewers see a lot of a handful of characters but don’t get to see the other characters’ scenes, backstories, and character development in their entirety. As scenes and characters are changed or left out in the anime the world of BSD gradually drifts away from the manga until ensuring the continuity of the anime means the series becomes more of its own entity and less connected to the manga. Of course the anime has not moved so far away from the manga that it has become its own entity, but there are distinct differences and unique atmospheres that are not shared between the anime and manga.

And that brings me to how the material in chapter 39 was presented in episode 31. There are three important facts in the chapter that makes it so powerful and memorable to readers:

Atsushi’s experiences at the orphanage: In season 1 on the anime there are various short flashbacks to when Atsushi was living at the orphanage. All are very brief, focus on Atsushi sitting helplessly as verbal abuse is heaped on him, and they are shown repeatedly to emphasize how deeply these experiences have affected Atsushi. Because of that when you see a new moment from Atsushi’s past you instinctively pay attention and notice how it is different from the flashbacks you had seen before. In chapter 39 the flashbacks are more than a mere few seconds where a few words are spoken and we see a helpless Atsushi; these flashbacks are complete stories about very specific instances where Atsushi was blamed, ridiculed, beaten, publicly humiliated, forced to have his foot nailed to the floor, had an unknown liquid injected into his system, was locked up, and taught some very important lessons that he didn’t understand at the time but would make him into the amazing protagonist he turned out to be. Episode 31 did not show any of these scenes in their entirety, condensing them into eight seconds of minute representations of the horrors Atsushi experienced, and only showed one part of an exchange between the young Atsushi and the Headmaster. Considering that Atsushi is the series protagonist it is strange that so much information that is vital to understanding Atsushi’s character was condensed into one third of an anime episode (while Kyouka’s backstory took up two thirds of the same episode).

The way Atsushi views his relationship to the Headmaster compared to how Akutagawa and Dazai view it: Chapter 39 shows Atsushi’s initial reaction the the Headmaster’s death as a kind of manic joy, which is also accurately portrayed in episode 31. Tanizaki, in both the manga and anime, is obviously concerned that Atsushi would be so overjoyed at someone’s death, even if it is the Headmaster who caused Atsushi to suffer so much. However, it is only in chapter 39 that Atsushi admits that he knew very little about the Headmaster and only knew “that he was the king of that small, small country,” the orphanage. That is the first hint that the way Atsushi remembers the Headmaster is skewed because he was so young and ignorant at the time. To Atsushi it is only natural to hate the man who he believed disliked him and tortured him because of it, but to outside parties like Akutagawa and Dazai the situation looks different. It is only in the manga that Dazai helps with the case by contacting an informant and sending Atsushi to meet them. The informant turns out to be Akutagawa. Atsushi and Akutagawa are foils, so while they are opposites they also complement each other which makes Akutagawa the perfect person to throw a wrench in Atsushi’s way of thinking. Akutagawa proves through the information he gathered that the Headmaster was not in Yokohama to do any harm to Atsushi, but to sell a gun in order to buy something and that there was no foul play that lead to his death. Akutagawa is also the only person to point out that while Dazai taught him, the Headmaster taught Atsushi and says he will let Atsushi off the hook today because it is “the anniversary of [his] mentor’s death.” Later when Atsushi doesn’t know how to feel after learning that the Headmaster had come to Yokohama to give him flowers and congratulate him on the person he had become, Dazai is the one to refer to the Headmaster as Atsushi’s father. It is only after this that Atsushi understands the role the Headmaster played in his life and he is finally able to cry and face his emotions and confusion surrounding the Headmaster’s death.

How the Headmaster’s past influenced the way he raised Atsushi: If you only watched the anime then you would have absolutely no idea how amazing and complex a character the Headmaster is! He didn’t just happen to become the Headmaster of an orphanage. When he was a child he grew up in an orphanage, “experienced a hellish life” that made the orphanage Atsushi grew up in “seem like heaven,” graduated from the orphanage only to join the criminal underworld, and he watched as all his friends from the orphanage died and he was the lone survivor. After becoming the Headmaster he, because of his past experience, recognized Atsushi had an ability and hid it from the rest of the orphanage until Atsushi was 18 in order to protect him. He knew how Atsushi would be hunted down and mistreated because of his ability and did the best he could, considering the horrible upbringing he had himself, to teach Atsushi to hate those who would hurt him and do everything he could to survive. The Headmaster taught Atsushi to be who he is and enabled him to have the will and determination to become the person who would save a drowning man while he himself is nearly dead from hunger, throw himself over a bomb to try and protect people in a detective agency he doesn’t know, risk his place in the Agency in order to save Kyouka and rescue her from a hopeless situation, and risk his own life to stop the Guild and become the hero who saved Yokohama. Can you imagine how proud and relieved the Headmaster must have been to learn that Atsushi was not only alive but had saved countless lives? How comforted he must have been knowing that his worst fears of Atsushi being killed, resorting to crime and living in a worse hell than the orphanage, or being tortured or used because of his ability had not become a reality! How could he be considered anything other than a proud father who wants to find and congratulate the son he raised? In my opinion, the absolute worst thing the anime has done is deprive its viewers the Headmaster’s complex and incredible character. Without knowing him there is no way of understanding what Atsushi truly felt and how much he grew to understand himself and his place in the world as a result of learning about the Headmaster’s past and what he had risked and sacrificed for him.

To me the anime’s biggest disappointment is how they treat the protagonist. The most important chapter for understanding Atsushi’s character and what makes him protagonist material has been squeezed into 7 minutes and 43 seconds of an anime episode (about 1/3 of an episode). As the protagonist he at least deserves his own episode explaining his backstory, or the two thirds of an episode that Kyouka got for her backstory. Asagiri Kafka and Harukawa35 took the time to create a vivid portrayal of Atsushi’s childhood and him learning what role the Headmaster really played in raising Atsushi. The writing in this chapter was superb. The characters were deep and fleshed out. The plot and the way evidence and memories were presented were so powerful people were dreading seeing it play out in the anime because it had that big of an effect on them. After getting ready for the most emotional chapter in the series to be animated, actually watching the episode was a major let down in so many ways.

I will always remember chapter 39 and what it taught me about humanity, perspective, and the influence one person can have on another. Reading it changed me as much as reading No Longer Human has, and I am just as fond of it as I am of Dazai Osamu’s works. What Atsushi and his battle to overcome his past represents has already helped me overcome some of my own demons. I hope more BSD fans will read the manga, and I mean really read it the way you would a work of literature, and allow the characters and writing to really sink in as they read. The manga is just that powerful and that relatable, because all of us have felt like the outcast, all of us have had our own demons from out past that haunt us even after they are dead, and all of us are looking for a place to belong and the power to conquer ourselves.

#3 Post:

No one realized that I had become insane; when I recovered nobody could tell the difference.

- Dazai Osamu, “Toys” from Dazai Osamu: Selected Stories and Sketches

#2 Post:

Nakahara Chuuya - “Poem of the Sheep”

Intention, thou art old dark vapour; begone from my heart! I now hope for nothing more than simplicity and peaceful murmurs and, at any rate, neatness.

Society, thou art indulgence of gloomy filth; do not wake me up again! I now will try to endure solitude, my arms already seem like useless things.

Thou, eyes opening wide in suspicion, eyes not moving for a while as they open. Ah, heart that believes too much in what is outside itself.

Intention, though art old dark vapour; begone from my heart! Begone! Apart from my poor dreams, nothing interests me.

Dazai Osamu - No Longer Human

“You might say that I still have no understanding of what makes human beings tick. My apprehension on discovering that my concept of happiness seemed to be completely at variance with that of everyone else was so great as to make me toss sleeplessly and groan night after night in my bed. It drove me indeed to the brink of lunacy. I wonder if I have actually been happy.”

“Whenever I was asked what I wanted my first impulse was to answer ‘Nothing.’ The thought went through my mind that it didn’t make any difference, that nothing was going to make me happy.”

Mori Ogai - Vita Sexualis

“There are things which everyone does but which one does not mention to others.”

(FIFTEEN spoilers below)

Arthur Rimbaud - “A Season in Hell”

A while back, if I remember right, my life was one long party where all hearts were open wide, where all wines kept flowing.

One night, I sat Beauty down on my lap.—And I found her galling.—And I roughed her up.

I armed myself against justice.

I ran away. O witches, O misery, O hatred, my treasure’s been turned over to you!

I managed to make every trace of human hope vanish from my mind. I pounced on every joy like a ferocious animal eager to strangle it.

I called for executioners so that, while dying, I could bite the butts of their rifles. I called for plagues to choke me with sand, with blood. Bad luck was my god. I stretched out in the muck. I dried myself in the air of crime. And I played tricks on insanity.

And Spring brought me the frightening laugh of the idiot.

So, just recently, when I found myself on the brink of the final squawk! it dawned on me to look again for the key to that ancient party where I might find my appetite once more.

Charity is that key.—This inspiration proves I was dreaming!

“You’ll always be a hyena etc… ,“ yells the devil, who’d crowned me with such pretty poppies. “Deserve death with all your appetites, your selfishness, and all the capital sins!”

Ah! I’ve been through too much:-But, sweet Satan, I beg of you, a less blazing eye! and while waiting for the new little cowardly gestures yet to come, since you like an absence of descriptive or didactic skills in a writer, let me rip out these few ghastly pages from my notebook of the damned.

Paul Verlaine - Oh, Heavy, Heavy My Despair

Oh, heavy, heavy my despair, Because, because of One so fair. My misery knows no allay, Although my heart has come away. Although my heart, although my soul, Have fled the fatal One’s control. My misery knows no allay, Although my heart has come away. My heart, the too, too feeling one, Says to my soul, 'Can it be done, 'Can it be done, too feeling heart, That we from her shall live apart?’ My soul says to my heart, 'Know I What this strange pitfall should imply, 'That we, though far from her, are near, Yea, present, though in exile here?’

Note: These poems were selected simply because they reminded me of the plot in FIFTEEN.

#1 Post:

Looking for something to read on Halloween?

“Hell Screen” by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke

Kappa by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke

“The Human Chair” by Edogawa Ranpo

“Love After Death” by Yumeno Kyūsaku

“Hell in a Bottle” by Yumeno Kyūsaku

“The Holy Man of Mt. Koya” by Izumi Kyōka

“The Tattooer” by Tanizaki Jun'ichirō

“In the Forest, Under the Cherries in Full Bloom” by Sakaguchi Ango

“Fish Scales” by Shibusawa Tatsuhiko

The Decagon House Murders by Ayatsuji Yukito

In Rashomon and Seventeen Other Stories by Akutagawa Ryūnosuke:

Rashomon (pg. 48)

In a Bamboo Grove (pg. 54)

The Spider Thread (pg. 79)

Hell Screen (pg. 82)

In Japanese Tales of Mystery and Imagination by Edogawa Ranpo:

The Human Chair (pg. 14)

The Caterpillar (pg. 76)

The Hell of Mirrors (pg. 117)

The Red Chamber (pg. 151)

These stories and books are included in my Online Library along with many others! The stories listed here are only a handful of the dark, terrifying tales written by the Japanese authors who inspired BSD, but they are all easily accessible and ones I would recommend.

Happy Halloween and happy reading!

#happy new year #2019 most popular posts #bsd-bibliophile #japanese literature #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd

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eldritchsurveys · 3 years

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1095.

1 - If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? >> If I have a high enough amount of caffeine early in the day, it can mess with my sleep. I think high stimulant use in the past might have oversensitised my system, but also I take the Pill and apparently one little-known side effect is that it keeps caffeine in your system longer. So, basically, I just avoid anything that has more caffeine than a cup of black tea.

2 - When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? >> Read, usually. A lot of my reading gets done when I get awakened in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep.

3 - Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? >> I have no idea.

4 - If you have a pet, have they ever embarrassed you in public or in front of friends or family members? What happened? >> ---

5 - Do you leave the house every single day? >> I’ve left the house every weekday this week (still not sure whether I’ll go out today, but I’ll at least get the mail and maybe take the long way). I’m trying to form a walking habit for the 3285784th time.

6 - Would you rather spend the day at the beach, or a day in the snow in the mountains? >> I can’t really choose like that. It’d depend on a lot more factors.

7 - Do you prefer tops that are plain, or ones with patterns/logos/slogans? >> Almost all my shirts have some kind of design on them.

8 - Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? >> I don’t think so. I didn’t really get to watch much back then anyway.

9 - How many texts would you say you send on an average day? >> Zero, most of the time.

10 - Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? >> I can’t say I understand the stress behind this. I mean, I can put two-and-two together (people get anxious about the recipients’ responses and stress themselves out that way; people feel like they need to predict exactly what the recipients want; etc), but I can’t imagine getting that caught up in it. Then again, I wasn’t really raised around that sort of thing (I experienced exactly one commercial-style Christmas as a minor, and birthday gifts were sporadic at best), so maybe that’s why. I got to come into my own feelings about gift-giving, on my own time. So, yeah. I love buying gifts for other people, because I associate it strictly with having fun and showing appreciation. If someone doesn’t appreciate the gift I chose, that’s nothing to do with me. My part in the interaction is done, they can do with the gift whatever they like.

11 - Girls - if you get periods, do you suffer from period pain or any other horrible symptoms? >> I’m not a girl, but I do get a period when I’m not on the Pill, and half the reason I’m on the Pill is because of the debilitating pain and resultant fear and stress that was just ruining my life. The other half is the fact that having a period at all is a source of intense despair and dysphoria for me.

12 - The last time you were in a car, where you were travelling to? Were you the driver or a passenger? >> Schuler Books. I was a passenger, of course.

13 - Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? >> The last dine-in experience we had was when Sparrow’s niece was visiting from Utah and we went to a restaurant with patio seating with said niece, Sparrow’s sister and brother-and-law and baby nephew, and her parents. (Yes, that’s people from four different households and two different states, all at one table. Loved it.) It was definitely one of those “if I was in Sparrow’s position I wouldn’t have went at all” kind of deals, which describes a lot of the situations involving Sparrow’s family. -- Actually, I just realised that wasn’t the last time, but I don’t feel like deleting all that after having typed it. The last-last time was actually to IHOP on Sparrow’s birthday. The seating was distanced and we wore masks while being waited on. We also didn’t linger for long.

14 - What book do you wish they’d make into a film or TV series? >> ---

15 - The age old question - do you prefer coke or pepsi? >> I don’t drink either.

16 - What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? >> The last TV show I watched was called How To With John Wilson, on HBOMax. I only just discovered it but I’m definitely going to be following it as long as it exists. It’s adorable and I love it.

17 - Do you have a favourite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? >> I’m not sure. I think I like a variety of documentary subjects.

18 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? What snack would you say is your overall favourite? >> Savoury. I like some sweet things, but usually in combination with other flavours (so, like... a sweet and salty snack mix, for example). I don’t have an overall favourite snack.

19 - Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? >> Nah, I’ve gotten used to them. I still find certain aspects of them to be uncomfortable and I don’t like wearing them for long stretches of time, but that’s not really a problem for something like grocery shopping (which is really all we do these days).

20 - Do you prefer zip-up or overheard hoodies? >> Zip-up, easier to put on and take off. I do like overhead hoodies, but my erratic body temperature situation makes it annoying to wear them.

21 - If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? >> I wish :(

22 - When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? >> I mentioned the Thanksgiving flowers story on one of the surveys I took last night and don’t feel like rehashing it.

23 - How often do you get takeaway? What’s your favourite thing to order? >> Not very often; there’s not much of a budget for it.

24 - Do you own a lot of clothing items in your favourite colour? What is your favourite colour, anyway? >> I don’t own any gold or yellow clothing items (although I do own gold jewelry).

25 - When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? >> January. I was in a motel. I went to Houston for Elle’s wedding.

26 - Would you ever be interested in seeing a live magic show? >> It’s not something I’d choose to pay to see.

27 - What’s your favourite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? >> I don’t have a favourite era.

28 - Do you still use or carry cash, or do you pay for everything via card? >> I have been paying almost exclusively with card (barring places like the farmer’s market, where some stalls don’t have card readers for whatever reason) for years now.

29 - Are there any TV shows that remind you of your grandparents for some reason? >> ---

30 - Have you ever had to wear a tie for school or work? If not, do you know how to tie a tie without looking it up? >> No. I do know how to tie a tie, but because it’s information I so rarely use, sometimes I forget a step or the exact order of steps and have to double-check with a guide.

#surveys #survey #random survey #not for reblogging *glare*

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michelles-garden-of-evil · 4 years

Text

Episode 24 Review: Top 5 Reasons Why the Holly Portrait Subplot Doesn’t Work

Welcome back to Maljardin, where the melodramatic master Jean Paul Desmond is God and the Devil is a snarky talking portrait.

Speaking of portraits, today we will be looking at the subplot about Tim’s portrait of “Erica” (or, rather, of Holly) and the main things that are wrong with it. This subplot is, in my opinion, the worst in the Maljardin arc and I’ve been holding off on writing a detailed explanation of why I feel that way until my review of this episode, which mostly centers around the damned Holly portrait.

The portrait, circa Episode 18. There aren’t any good shots of it from Episode 24, so I had to settle for this one.

To recap: After the death of Erica Desmond, her husband Jean Paul hired Tim Stanton, a young artist in debt to the mob, to paint a portrait of her. Erica being both dead and encased in a cryonics capsule which both Jean Paul and THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES refuse to open, Tim must instead use young heiress Holly Marshall as his model until Erica comes back to life as Jacques promised that she would.

Sound like a reasonable plan? No? I didn’t think so, either, and now I shall explain why. Here are the top five reasons why I think this subplot is stupid:

#5: Holly neither looks like Erica, nor knows what Erica looked like.

This screencap is actually from Episode 13, but I’m including it because it’s relevant.

I sometimes wonder if this criticism is unfair, because the only viewers up to this point in the show’s broadcast history who would have seen Erica were the viewers of Episodes 1, 2 (where Tim shows Alison his sketch of her), and 4. In the first scene of Episode 4, the Cryonics Society froze her corpse in the cryonics capsule, meaning that anyone who started watching after that scene would not have seen her face before Tim got his assignment from Jean Paul. Even so, neither Erica resembled Holly, which makes it absurd for her to sit for it. Why not have Alison pose instead when she’s not working? After all, they are sisters and they share a strong family resemblance according to the original pilot script. Holly barely resembles either Erica beyond being pretty.

Tim’s sketch of Erica from Episode 2, with a screencap of Alison from Episode 17 for comparison. With its upturned nose and full lips, the sketch is clearly intended to resemble Dawn Greenhalgh (Alison) and not Sylvia Feigel (Holly).

Because Holly hardly looks a thing like her, Tim complains in Episode 13 that he “can’t use her for anything but position and play of light.” In spite of this, later episodes including Episode 24 show that he has painted a sort of semi-abstraction of Holly’s face, with features about halfway between those of Holly and those of Erica. This means that he’s only making more work for himself for when Jacques brings Erica back to life--if he brings her back to life--because he will need to paint over the semi-abstraction with Erica’s face. In short, he’s wasting his time.

Besides, it’s unclear why Holly doesn’t know what Erica looked like if Erica was a very famous actress and she and her husband were stalked by the paparazzi until they escaped to Maljardin (as previous episodes have indicated). Surely she would have seen a photo of Erica in the newspaper at some point, or her face on the poster for one of her plays, or something. I realize that’s not the same as seeing someone in real life, but it’s just odd that she doesn’t know.

#4: Tim doesn’t have even a photo of Erica with him and so has to rely mostly on memory.

He even says so in Episode 13: “I have to depend on my memory of your wife and that sketch I made of her at the café,” he tells Jean Paul (or, rather, Jacques while he is possessing him). As we saw in that episode, opening the cryonics capsule and posing Erica’s thawed-out corpse for Tim is too devilish even for Jacques, so the starving artist is left with a dilemma. Jean Paul, being a fancy rich guy of noble descent, naturally assumes that any criticisms of his assignment is just a case of beggars trying to be choosers and ignores them; in his mind, he did him a favor by paying his debts and taking him to his island, so Tim should obey his every whim without question. But the truth is that Jean Paul has no understanding of how artists work, nor why Tim needs the real Erica to complete the painting, and he may not even understand the creative process behind painting a portrait.

This could make for interesting social commentary if the writers had had Tim take a good hard look at the situation and realize that Jean Paul is not just imprisoning him on the island but flat-out exploiting him. They could have made his subplot about class conflict, the establishment’s lack of empathy towards creative types, or both. However, they choose not to use the subplot for such commentary, instead going in a much more conventional direction.

#3: The Holly portrait is mostly used to drive a clichéd romantic subplot.

Two people meet and hate each other at first sight--or at least pretend to--although they are clearly attracted to each other. They argue, bicker, treat each other indifferently at best and abuse each other at worst, until one day they realize that they have fallen in love. When was the first time you read or saw this story? Do you even remember the first time? Most likely you don’t, because the exact same plot has been used and reused so many times since Shakespeare’s Much Ado about Nothing premiered that Western media is saturated with it. It’s not a bad plot in and of itself, but it’s been overused so much that you can usually see it coming from a mile away. When Tim and Holly first bickered over her being too young to order booze, I predicted that they were setting up a romance between them. There are many signs: Tim confesses to Vangie that he feels sorry for Holly, Elizabeth suspects that he’s hitting on her, and, while she claims to dislike them both, Holly seems slightly less irritated by Tim than by her former captor, Matt Dawson. Ian Martin was clearly setting up a romance between the heiress and the artist, who are gradually bickering less and less: a telling sign that they are getting closer to falling in love.

As creepy as it is and as much as I don’t want them to get together, I actually find the Matt/Holly subplot more interesting to watch than Tim/Holly. Danny Horn of Dark Shadows Every Day may have written about how “groovy priest attracted to the beautiful young girl that he wants to take care of” is an old soap cliché, but I’ve seen it done far less often, which I suspect has something to do with all the church scandals in the past twenty years. The Belligerent Sexual Tension plot, on the other hand, is still very popular, so it feels less fresh to me than Matt and Holly’s subplot. (That doesn’t mean that I don’t still think he should leave her alone. Personally, I ship Reverend Dawson with his right hand and I think they ought to stay together.)

#2: The use of the Holly portrait on the show doesn’t connect to the show’s use of portraits for symbolism.

This one is really nitpicky and based mostly on my personal interpretation, but bear with me. Although far more complex than the Dark Shadows ripoff that many critics reduce it to, Strange Paradise nevertheless relied on many of the same tropes and themes, including the way its writers used portraits. On Dark Shadows, the writers often used a trope that Cousin Barnabas of the Collinsport Historical Society blog calls the “Portrait as Id,” meaning the use of paintings to symbolize and illustrate the truth about whatever character they represented. We see this in Strange Paradise as well with the portrait of Jacques, who tells Jean Paul that he is “the man you are, the man you might have been,” implying that the ostensibly good Jean Paul is not so different from his evil ancestor. Later on after Robert Costello becomes producer and the show becomes more like Dark Shadows, we’ll meet another character whose portrait does not turn out as intended because of the evil in said character’s heart, which also connects to this idea of portraits reflecting hidden reality. Although the conjure doll also resembles and represents Jacques, he does not generally use it to communicate with Jean Paul the way he does with the portrait. This makes sense, given that the doll and silver pin ended his life, while the portrait was painted at some point while he was alive.

In contrast to the portraits mentioned above, Holly’s portrait does not convey any additional information about either her or Erica. Because it represents the late Mrs. Desmond in name only, the Holly portrait says nothing about Erica’s id, her personality, or the state of her soul. It doesn’t even say very much about Holly. Instead, it’s mostly just used as an excuse to force Holly and Tim to interact with each other and bicker until they can finally admit that they’re in love.

#1: It goes (almost) nowhere.

And when it does finally go somewhere, it’s only relevant for a few episodes before it’s forgotten about. Holly’s participation in the portrait sittings soon becomes completely irrelevant, much like so many of the show’s early subplots which Late Maljardin’s headwriter Cornelius Crane chose to ignore. I suspect that the Holly portrait would have eventually became more significant in the main plot had Martin not been fired around Week 9. We may never know how it would have become so, nor how significant it would have become in his original outline. Who knows? Perhaps Martin would have crafted a shocking plot twist involving Holly that justified its existence. Perhaps he would have connected the portrait and its eventual fate somehow to the nightmare she had about Tarasca, having it reveal some terrifying truth about Maljardin’s past. At the very least, he might have used it to cement the romance between Tim and Holly. But instead the subplot ends with little payoff.

Tim on his subplot.

Still, despite the focus on the Holly portrait, this episode isn’t entirely a waste. Raxl saves it with her pleas to the Serpent and her attempt to contact the Conjure Woman, in all her scenery-chewing, melodramatic glory. There’s also a scene where Holly pressures her to read the two Tarot cards--the King of Swords (whom Matt identifies as Jean Paul) and the Queen of Cups (whom he interprets as Holly)--that she dropped on the floor earlier in the scene “just for kicks,” and she refuses, shouting “No!” repeatedly. If you love Raxl like I do, you’ll enjoy her scenes. They’re not Best of Raxl material, but they’re fun.

So long until my next review, which will cover Episode 25, followed by Week 5′s long overdue Bad Subtitle Special. I know that this is a change of pace from my usual recap-style reviews, but I really wanted to go into more detail about why I don’t like Tim’s subplot. I hope you enjoyed this post and I’ll see you again soon.

Coming up next: Elizabeth continues her attempted seduction of Jean Paul as we explore inter-generational conflict on Maljardin.

{ <- Previous: Episode 23 || Next: Episode 25 -> }

#strange paradise #soap opera #review #ian martin #maljardin arc #week 5 #episode 24 #foxless episodes #analysis #list #conjure doll and silver pin #the damned holly portrait #dark shadows #matt/his right hand #scenery chewing #soap opera tropes #speculation on ian martin's original story #symbolism #tarot

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fuckyeahkagepro · 5 years

Conversation

the Kagepro Momo problem (TM)

Momo Kisaragi: Hi, I'm Momo Kisaragi! I debuted in "Kisaragi Attention" pv (2012) made by Wannyanpuu! Wannyanpuu also designed me generally as "a teenager", but back then /I had no canon age/ for a short time! ----

Momo, early Novels, MCA, manga etc.: "Kisaragi Momo, 16-years-old!"

everyone in Kagepro fandom, 2k12 era: what

everyone in Kagepro fandom, 2k12 era: but you JUST entered high school last spring, you can LITERALLY only be 15,,,,,

MCA anime staffs, at a MCA screening ? event in Japan, according to Japanese translators: We recognize this "conflicting age" setting may be confusing, but,,,,,,

people experienced with other anime fandoms: actually, this kind of conflicting age setting using slightly older ages can happen every so often, I mean, just look at, for example, Digimon Adventures, or Cardcaptor Sakura, or ---

Japanese Pixiv Wikipedia @ Western fandom: anyway, she can only /chronologically/ be 15. This is important so you understand /the timeline issues/ and /the character dynamics/, as well as how our school system actually works when it /doesn't/ have the conflicting age issue,,,,,,,

Kagepro fandom: how old is Momo though

Jin: actually, /all/ of the characters have this conflicting age issue, that includes Hibiya, who she's frequently seen interacting and growing closer with ,,,,

Jin: please pay attention to Hibiya and Momo's developing relationship, I am DROPPING MAJOR HINTS by saying this,,,,,

Jin: "the Shizen-no-Teki-P supports H---m---".

Jin: everyone 4+ years or so down the road will conveniently forget I ever said that in a tweet. Then they'll try to pretend I never said it, even though the evidence was always right there in front of their eyes.

Jin: anyway, Hibiya in the Novels Route goes from calling her "oba-san" and "aun" to just "Momo", this is IMPORTANT, I am heavily dropping hints at you that they've grown CLOSER ,,,,,,,,, -- regardless of where I take this plot

Sidu's 2k15 artbook: so, anyway, Kano is 17 instead of 16 now, 17 being the actual CORRECT age for him (chronologically), Momo, /I won't mention her age/ ,,,,,

Sidu's 2k15 artbook: meanwhile Kido will still have the conflicting age of "17", even though chronologically she can only be "16" if Kano's "17", btw, Kido and Kano and Seto are all supposed to be in the same grade ,,,,,

Jin: this may or may not be for /plot reasons I cannot reveal just yet/, but /any Japanese reader in Japan would understand how our school system actually works/, so,

western Kagepro fandom: Gotcha! /Both Momo and Kido/ are /exactly/ 16 years old, even /though there's no way they can chronologically both be 16 at the same time/ in a real-world based or /even/ this fictional conflicting ages setting !! We'll conveniently ignore that Kido ALSO has a conflicting age of / "17" / officially. Also, it's obviously /Kido's/ age that's wrong, and /Momo's can't possibly be wrong/ (even though /ages were corrected or elaborated on in the past/!)! (Never mind that /[almost] everyone in 2k14 fandom/ understood this issue!)

Novels Route Momo: Anyway, so I'm in Junior High school at the actual CORRECT GRADE for my (non-conflicting) (but also still officially conflicting) age,,,,,

Novels Route Momo + Manga Route 2 Momo: btw I originally /first died/ via drowning in elementary school ,,,,

Hibiya: also, I age /again/ /at least once/ before Momo does, because November 4th [mine] occurs before February 14 [hers], this series takes place in /summer/, remember, so if Ayano becomes 18, i'm Junior high school aged now, and with my own weird conflicting age still ,,,,

the rest of Kagepro fandom, STILL having to explain this issue to new fans who refuse to catch up on newer materials since 2k14-2k15, many /never listening to this info/:

the rest of Kagepro fandom: literally why

Jin: i'm not even getting into the timeline issues caused by /a lack of exact age for Konoha/

Jin: or Takane's non-existant birthday haha

Manga Route 2 Hibiya: i'm just going to casually grow closer to Momo as closer friends at THE START of this Route, as well as with her brother /and/ Hiyori,

Manga Route 2 Hibiya, 2k17: "onee-chan" ("big sister")

Manga Route 2 Momo: what

Manga Route 2 Momo, implied: ('THAT'S WRONG')

Manga Route 2 "Hibiya": bye

Manga Route 2 Momo, falling like Ayano:

Clearing Eyes!Hibiya: haha

Clearing Eyes: also in 2k18, I have a new form now, no need for Konoha's look or Hibiya's body anymore,,,,,

Jin: have fun

the U.S. translation: messes up the "onee-chan" moment. Impact of the scene lost. Better than having to explain Japanese honorifics to a U.S. / Western audience right?

HARUKA, NOVEL 8: btw, time on "the other side" from where I am, it's like not even a second has passed, ahahaaaa ----

#kagerou project #kagepro #kagerou daze #momo kisaragi #kisaragi momo #hibimomo #(in case)#(I'M JUST SAYING)#(DON'T THINK I DON'T REMEMBER MOST KAGEPRO UPDATES THAT EVER HAPPENED)#(like. guys. pls. really. come on)#(BTW THOSE OF YOU WHO DO RECOGNIZE AND UNDERSTAND THIS ISSUE)#(THANK YOU)#(I LOVE YOU)#(sobs)#(again i'm not gonna tell you which ships you should support)#(JUST. I'M JUST SAYING.)#(CAN YOU PLS LET IT GO. LET IT GO. LET IT GOOOO)#(i have so much secondhand embarrassment when ppl absolutely refuse to understand)#(either the school systems issue or the honorifics issues and such)#(LIKE I GET WHY IT HAPPENS BUT guys... pls)#(there's so many references out here by now)#(please use them......)#kagepro spoilers #momos age #hibiyas age #momo refs #hibiya refs #(RIP @ me)#(I'M SORRY I'M V. FRUSTRATED THOUGH THIS IS MOSTLY ME SCREAMING AT JIN TBH)#(but also rude fans who refuse to listen to sense)

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kurtty-drabbles · 5 years

Text

Evil actor au

N/A: Well, fuck AoX again and I think I can do an evil actor Kurt much better. Trying to be subtle here? Meh

@djinmer4

Being an actor is not an easy task, that´s an opinion few can give as the movies and interviews give the impression anyone can be a famous actor, yet, Kurt Wagner can point out, without shame, how he did struggle and battle to arrive at the top in such difficult industry.

Mutants and humans are living together and many fetishes are throw in the big media with humans and mutants hence why Kurt had a hard time getting a serious role, at first, he was handsome mutant number 2 and he hated that, now, he´s the protagonist, the director and producer with 3 good movies under his belt that won many awards. Especially the Oscar for best picture and best movie.

And in an interview, the blue man promised to make a sequel to his acclaimed movie, Bluenella, and he´s a man of his word. Yet, like many things in life, one problem arrives that his older sister points out. "The girls that are supposed to dance in this party, get sick, food poisoning, and what we´ll do?"

Kurt thought for a moment. "We have a contract with them, how long will they be sick?" he asked in a professional way and Rogue stated they will be out of action for 2 weeks. "One, let´s send them to get well presents, and two, we can use the dancers to another scene...for this one? Well, we can use a replacement"

Rogue nods and did make some suggestion to what to not call. In her humble opinion, Carol Danvers is not a delicate flower and is not suitable to be a dancer for this scene, or, if you truly ask Rogue, Carol Danvers is not suitable to do anything, but, that´s another story.

Kurt is holding his phone and calling someone. Oh, they will get someone to dance in that scene.

A company of dance called Suspire(oh, Kurt is really amused they choose this name) receive the call and send one of their best dancers for this scene, one of them, as the girls arrive, did catch Kurt´s eyes, or to be more exact, this one girl did gaze upon him first and foremost.

(No fear, no excitement, a mere curiosity that goes to him and the place around her. It´s such innocent that stands up from the others who are giving typical looks to Kurt and the area)

Rogue is talking with the girls to explain the scene, they have to dance bale as the protagonist is thinking about her love life. They nod as more details are giving, don´t interact with the protagonist, just dance, no dialogue will be giving, but, they will get the spotlight for 10 minutes(in movie´s language that´s a lot) and that´s it.

The protagonist of the movie, Alisson "Dazzler" Blaire is talking with the girls explaining the backstory of the protagonist and the importance of the symbolism of this scene, however, Kitty Pryde ended up losing herself from the group and is lost.

"Lost, Madchen?" A voice startled young Kitty Pryde as she looks up to see Kurt Wagner smiling at her and Kitty sighs in relief only to do a grimace at him. "Don´t sneak on me, elf, and yes I´m lost...this studio is really big" she confesses sheepishly.

"That´s what she said" Kurt jokes along and adds "excited to do your first cameo in a big movie?" Kitty is petite, a teen who knows won´t be the tallest woman out there, yet, makes up for this with a strength only few can get, this woman is tenacious and wants to be a great dancer and Kurt knows she´ll be.

"Yes," the answer is a bit clumsy and Kurt can see something is on her mind, and once again, the man is proven right as she adds "Did I get this role because I´m a good dancer or because...you wanted me here?" Kitty asked blushing and Kurt smiles politely as his smiles did falter and he looks hurt and Kitty feels bad for the question.

"Katzchen" a more stern tone was used and Kitty, a teen with 16 years old, is feeling silly now "you´re here because of your talent, of your own merits, how can you think so low of yourself? or me? I wouldn´t ask you to be here just because...if you´re here is because you´re talent dancer" Kurt explained and Kitty apologises.

"Is just, I know you" she blushes and Kurt remembers strawberry and how much he loves it "And I just want to make sure that I´m here for my own merits and not...nepotism" Kitty declares softly and Kurt understand. "I´m happy to be in this scene, and, I´m happy to be near you" she confessed feeling silly and Kurt chuckles at this reaction.

"I´m happy you´re here, Katzchen, now, you must be with your group...here, let me take you" and Kitty gladly accepts his help as Alisson waves at Kitty as the girl is not terribly late for hearing more explanation on the scene.

Finally, the scene is filmed and everyone is happy, well, Kurt still doesn´t think the scene is perfect and wants to try some new ideas before considering the scene over, no one is complaining about that.

Kurt is talking with Kitty and, of course, her classmates thanking them for showing up so short and people have no problem in taking photos with the dancers. In fact, everyone in the studio is really having fun.

"Uhm, Kurt? Do you want to take a picture with me?" Kitty asked blushing as 17 years old rarely do. Kurt did accept and a selfie is made. His sister waves at him and says he has to go to a meeting.

"Is a bit strange how the first dancer group got food poising," Rogue said and Kurt only mentions how the other group is with their health and his sister said they are alright. "But I meet Kitty, I can see why you wanted to bring her first, they all are very talented and Kitty is such a cutie thing" this is enough to make Kurt smiles for real.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the city Mara, Kurt´s craziest fangirl, is arrested for food poisoning a dancer group that should be attending on Kurt´s newest movie. All she declares. "I did out of love"

#I´m sorry #evil actor au #Kurt Wagner #nightcrawler #kurtty yet #kitty pryde #rogue

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whatismeta-blog · 5 years

Text

To the Anon, who Asked the Asks

1) what was your first delusion

Honestly, I think I might still be working through it. But like it might not be, so like...

Welcome welocome, the answers get better I swear

2) have you ever had your choice taken away by the psychiatric system

: Not really, I never really spent to much time in any systems due to paranoia of the system, probably because of the stigma around it and pop culture fueling a strong sense of danger in it, and just my lack of any real wealth in my past and present

3) how do you cope with your hallucinations

: Painfully ignoring them in almost everyway I can, which, has often lead to me ignoring something happening around me, or directed at me cause I thought It wasn't real. Other than that I find physical grounding, and specifically martial arts helps make my overall disorder more positive in tone

4) are you professionally diagnosed with a psychotic disorder

: I was professionally diagnosed back when's was about 14 or 15, after a few sessions the doctor said I probably had schizophrenia and prescribed me some anti psychotics

5) how often do you shower

: About once (1) or twice (2) a week honestly, I need to take more. But I've been getting better

6) to what extent are you "out" as psychotic

: I'm about half way, most of my old friends and family have no knowledge, but my current living people all know, my boyfriend knows, and a couple people the I've had some long nights with know, and my entire blog

7) have you ever had a funny or cute hallucination

8) how old were you when you were first diagnosed (or figured it out yourself)

:when my sister went to North star when I was in like 3rd grade, and my mum tried to explain it to me why my sister was inpatient, I specifically remember that imentioned i thought something might be wrong with me too, but since I was outwardly disruptive, just "quiet" my mum found no need

9) how old were you when you first started having symptoms

So issues with Speech is a commonly overlooked symptom of schizophrenia, as a in my case I feel more cognitive issue, and I think that my early childhood and that I had a speech therapist cause of my young selective autism, and just inability to speak right might've been my first symptoms

10) do you reclaim any words associated with your disorder

: I honestly don't really think I do, I want to though -> Paranoid, I use a lot though, caus like Fuck am.I paranoid, and psychotic, but I use that more clinically,

11) do you feel emotions intensely or hardly at all

: Harldy at all, I just, I may only be 22, but I'm just really tired and old, but if an emotion can start shining through strongly it kind of starts to engulf me, especially at night

12) do you have a hard time making yourself understood

: so much, it's lessened some over the years, but so many times after trying to get words out, (I tend to speak fast and with a sometimes interesting vocabulary) and I'm just still really bad at using English to express specifically emptions, which only makes me feel worse cause wow have I fucked things up trying to say something and someoneisunderstanding me

13) which symptoms of your disorder impair you the most

: negative symptoms, that cause me to just be very distant as a person mentally and presently, and I think overall paranoia, or even sometimes like, meta-paranoid <-

14) do you usually have some insight when you're actively psychotic

:When I'm hallucinating, I'd say I generally do, but when I am delusional, I usually don't, but I kinda always think that there is a chance I'm being psychotic so I try and stay on my toes. If ya know what's mean

15) is there a situation you can laugh at which was a scary time

16) do you think your psychosis is related to trauma

: it possibly could be, but I don't believe that if I didn't have trauma that I wouldn't still be psychotic

17) do you have any co-morbid disorders

:probably, I try not to worry to much about what's all wrong. I just try and make it all work together

18) what is you're exact diagnosis if you have one

Do to the people who diagnosed me as schizophrenic loosing their thing. Due to.insurance purposes, I have no diagnosis on file. Last time I went in a couple years back to a new doctor they said I should get evaluated, but like, I could barely afford what I had already been there for

19) when did you start think you might be psychotic

Before I can remember

20) is there a history of psychosis in your family

:I've don't know to much of my family or their histories, but my mum is paranoid and has anxiety. And my older sister is autism spectrum, and so mental health is in the family

21) do you have inappropriate emotions or reactions

Less inappropriate as in lewd, but more of, absent, or like, when I first was told someone close to me (human) died, I didn't ever cry once for them, I don't think I have to this day, not to say I wouldn't cry for everybody close to me, but like yeah, and like when answering personal questions I think I react a lot more deflectively. Or like, hell, my partner told me they loved me for the first time, and though I honestly wanted to say it back, I just didn't, I honestly don't remember what I said. And Tbh still kinda feel shitty about that interaction..

22)do you relate to any characters bc they might have a psychotic disorder

Fucking,

River tam from firefly, (like yeah, she has like actual powers and shit, but Damn, it kinda affects her similarly)

23) do you have a song you listen to when.you need to calm down

Lullaby for a stormy night, ever-changing by rise against

24) do you have a song you relate to psychosis

:first one I could think of is "World in a bottle" by Anavae

25) what traits do you want to see in a canonically psychotic character

Negative symptoms, dissociation, And a few happy Fucking stories for us please

26) do you have a recurring delusion or hallucination

:oh boy do I, I'm honestly still coming to terms with a long time life held delusion, and that's a fun thing to do without therapy let me tell you, here do come Nov. 17

27) would you get rid of your psychotic disorder if you.could)

: if, it could be a little more manageable that would be nice, but, honestly, not being psychotic ever again.. now that sounds kinda scary too

28) do you take anti-psychotic, why?

:no prescription grade, but I do my best to self medicate, if you can, don't follow my example

29) how is your memory

:well I've been going back and forth writing the numbers and questions now, and I read the ask, switched form my photos to the tumble app, and then forgot, so. Bonus fact, this is the first ask i answered in this line

30) what how through your head when you hear "cute but psycho"

Honestly I see hear the Word psycho and almost every time I get upset, but like unless they're psychotic, and okay with you referring to them as such. It just makes me upset

31) do you experience time distortion

According to general laws of physics time dilates, so yeah I do what of it?

Serious answer though, yeah,

Like say my first 4 month into being in my current city, I had a mental fall back, and went back home for a 2 maybe three months,

That first fronts in this city, was actually 4 days, and part of my waking routine is checking the date and time to make sure that I am in the know on what year and day it's supposed to be

#anon #ask

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aion-rsa · 3 years

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Audrey Hepburn: The Secret WW2 History of a Dutch Resistance Spy

https://ift.tt/3spUGXL

In stories of doomed World War II gallantry, little is as romanticized as Operation Market Garden. A technical failure by the Allied Powers to defeat the Nazis in 1944, this invasion of the Netherlands left British paratroopers stranded around a bridge in Arnhem, far too removed from their tanks to hold the line. Nevertheless, the bravery of those Airborne “Red Devils” has lived on in pop culture, as have the Dutch resistance fighters who sheltered them. What has been largely forgotten is that among those courageous souls was… a teenaged Audrey Hepburn? For about a week, in fact, the future movie star kept a Red Devil hidden in the cellar.

This image, of wartorn tenacity, is hardly the type associated with Hepburn in the popular imagination. To this day, she’s remembered as the ultimate Givenchy girl, an ethereal presence who took her breakfasts at Tiffany’s, and always in a little black dress. Even when she was heartbreaking on screen, she was luminous—a woman who appeared to glide through a charmed, effervescent life.

That illusion had little to do with the real-life fires which forged her identity, or the experiences of a Second World War spent almost entirely under Nazi occupation. In the autumn of 1944, she and her family kept a British paratrooper in their basement, the latest act in a series of defiances (after initial appeasement). By the following winter, they too would be living down there, wary to even crawl out of “bed” as the bombs fell on their small Dutch village of Velp.

Remarkably, much of that story’s been omitted from history, not to mention the books written about Hepburn and mid-20th century Hollywood. Not until the recent publication of biographer Robert Matzen’s Dutch Girl: Audrey Hepburn and World War II did the Hepburn family lore about the Red Devil even become public knowledge. But then not many were asking.

“I was researching my book on Jimmy Stewart in the Eighth Air Force, and I was in Arnhem, in the Netherlands, and saw a couple of things about Audrey Hepburn spending the war there,” Matzen tells us. “And I thought, ‘Well, that’s very interesting.’ So when I came back here, I was poking around on the internet, trying to find things about that, investigating what happened to her during the war in Arnhem, and I couldn’t find anything. It had not been well-documented.” That’s now changed.

Audrey sits in the hilly Sonsbeek section of Arnhem in February 1942. Courtesy of Robert Matzen / Audrey Hepburn Estate Collection

Why Audrey Hepburn’s Past Stayed Hidden

Throughout the decades, biographers who wrote about Hepburn used what little she would tell the press of her childhood for background—about the horror of the day the Nazis arrived in the Netherlands, destroying a bridge she’d recently crossed, and the elation that came on the April morning when Canadian forces liberated Velp (it was the first time Audrey had a cigarette)—but other than the general knowledge that depravations in the “Hunger Winter” contributed to Hepburn’s thin frame, the events of World War II have gone largely overlooked. This included Hepburn’s contributions to the Dutch resistance as a message courier for downed British pilots, as well as the less romantic fact that while studying to be a ballerina in the early years of the occupation, she danced for fascists.

There are many reasons these details became lost, but most of them have to do with Hepburn’s own personal choice of what to share from those harrowing days.

“She would say certain things that were not controversial, and I mined every single word of hers about the war,” Matzen says. “But she wouldn’t go to certain places, because they were controversial. She spent the war in Arnhem, which is occupied by the Nazis, and she was a ballerina who danced, at times, for the Nazis. It wasn’t that she supported the Germans at all, but if you wanted to dance in public, there were going to be Germans in the audience. After the war, how do you justify that in the press? It could easily be spun.”

Perhaps, more importantly, there was the uncomfortable fact of her parents’ politics prior to the invasion.

Says Matzen, “Her mother and father were pro-German, pro-Nazi supporters up to and through the invasion of the Netherlands. Audrey could never reconcile herself to what her parents represented. It was her darkest secret, really, one that could contaminate the press about her. It could contaminate her career and kill it.”

That knowledge—as well as a lifelong modesty bred into her about never boasting or complaining—caused her to omit those sordid details, as well as stories of her dancing later in private gatherings to raise funds to hide and feed Jewish neighbors as the Holocaust marched on. Both aspects of her youth, her parents’ mistakes and her family’s later resistance, have thus become greatly diminished.

Her parents were indeed fascist sympathizers, with Matzen even calling Audrey’s mother, Ella van Heemstra, a fangirl and “Hitler-chaser” who managed to meet the Fuhrer face-to-face in the Nazis’ Munich headquarters in 1935. Not that Audrey was aware of any of this. In ‘35, Audrey (or Adriaantje as her family then called her) was six-years-old. A year later, the Brussels-born child would be sent to a boarding school in Kent, England, away from both parents. The only meaningful interaction she really had with her father was when he drove her to the last proverbial plane out of Britain before the war started. It was December 1939, and Audrey was a shy 10-year-old who didn’t speak Dutch. After arriving in Amsterdam, her mother had one immediate command: “Now be Dutch.”

The Execution of Uncle Otto

In those early years, what brought Audrey out of her shell were dance lessons; and what brought her mother back to reality was being around her decidedly anti-fascist family, including her father the Baron Aarnoud van Heemstra, and her brother-in-law, Otto Ernst Gelder van Limburg Stirum. In fact, it was the fate of Otto which became a turning point for the entire family, not to mention Holland. Because when Uncle Otto, along with four other Dutchmen from prominent backgrounds, was driven to a forest and executed in a shallow grave, the Germans provoked the exact opposite reaction they intended: mass resistance.

It was April 17, 1942 when Otto was lined up before a firing squad. Audrey was 12.

“Otto van Limburg Stirum was a mysterious character that I had to go find out about, because he was lost to history, and he was lost to Audrey’s history,” Matzen says. “She would talk about this uncle who was shot, this uncle who was a judge, but he was really [more] like an assistant DA. The fact that she would not talk about him at all, except to say ‘my uncle was shot’ really strikes me as proof of how significant he was in her life as a father figure, because her father was gone. She had two replacement fathers, Uncle Otto, and her grandfather, the Baron. Suddenly, Otto is taken away. He’s imprisoned by the Germans and sort of held hostage in case something bad happened.”

When a then-fledgling resistance did invariably do something bad from the Germans’ perspective, Otto and other figures with anti-fascist sympathies were executed.

Says Matzen, “It was a national event, and I think it was highly traumatic for the core members of the van Heemstra family, of which Audrey was a member, and something that deeply affected her, because once again, just like when her father left, now another father figure has been taken away, and it deepened her insecurity, a lifelong insecurity.”

Matzen also describes it as the final straw for Ella van Heemstra’s fascist sympathies.

“She had already become disillusioned by 1942,” Matzen says, “but even as late as the holidays in 1941, she was still staging pro-German events in Arnhem. But when Otto was shot, Ella took Audrey and moved in with Otto’s wife, who was Ella’s sister, Meisje, in Velp… Meisje and Otto were supposed to move in with their grandfather. Otto never actually got to move there because he was arrested and detained, right before that. The house always felt empty because of this.”

Resistance

The war crime that left Aunt Meisje a widow also forced the van Heemstras to be more active in resisting their occupiers. Audrey would speak, on brief occasions, about dancing for the Dutch resistance and raising funds that contributed to sabotaging German operations. What she didn’t talk about was her acting as personal assistant and gopher to the local doctor who organized the operations. Indeed, one of the most intriguing elements of Dutch Girl is how Matzen does what the Nazis never could: reconstruct the resistance network in Velp and the larger Arnhem area.

“I was sitting with some contemporaries of Audrey’s,” Matzens says of his time on the ground in Velp, “and they were young girls during the war. In one case, one of the daughters of this man, who turned out to be the resistance leader [Dr. Hendrik Visser ‘t Hooft], was just a year younger than Audrey… and they casually mention, ‘Oh yeah, our father, the doctor, was the resistance leader in the town, and he used to say, ‘Oh, Audrey was my assistant.’ I almost spit out my lunch.”

Dr. Visser ‘t Hooft, was an enigmatic figure, brazen enough to personally steal a German officer’s motorcycle and talk his way out of it, and also shrewdly adept at rallying all the family doctors in the region into his underground efforts. Visser ‘t Hooft knew medical experts were a precious commodity in wartime, even to Nazi occupiers, just as he knew the Germans paid children no mind.

“The Dutch were crafty enough that they gave the children the messages to run from house to house,” Matzen says. “They gave children supplies, medicine, to take here, to take there. Audrey in particular was running messages and food to downed pilots, because Audrey had spent years in England and when she comes back she’s fluent in English, whereas the other children are not, generally.”

Throughout the war, Audrey would have a series of run-ins with fighters on both sides of the conflict. Some were positive, such as the time a German soldier shoved her under a tank in Velp as a British plane opened fire on the street, killing Germans and civilians alike. It saved Audrey’s life. But others were less ambiguous, such as when she was nearly captured by the German green police and dragged to Germany (a fate her brother did not escape).

“In retaliation for another act of resistance, Audrey was [randomly] rounded up with other girls, to be taken to Germany, to work in kitchens,” says Matzen. “She escaped from that and basically went into hiding after that, because it was too dangerous out on the street.”

Audrey at 13 in 1943. Courtesy of Robert Matzen / Audrey Hepburn Estate Collection

Liberation

By the time German V7 rockets were malfunctioning over Holland and falling from the sky on civilians, or Allied planes passed overhead with itchy trigger fingers, the van Heemstra family was in the same cellar that once housed their Red Devil guest. And slowly, Audrey began to starve. After what was left of their food was depleted, they ate tulip bulbs. When those were gone, they ate the weeds. Like so many Dutch children in this period, Audrey became anemic and edema set in.

The depravations would haunt Audrey the rest of her days, informing her svelte frame and, Matzen argues, possibly her early death from appendiceal cancer. Despite these hardships, she nor many other children living under occupation forgot the jubilation they felt for the Allies, even as stray bombs fell.

“That battle destroyed Central Arnhem, it destroyed the dance studio where she danced, it destroyed relatives’ home, it was a devastating battle,” Matzen says. “But it didn’t matter, because those were the liberators. They were the knights in shining armor, who came to free the Dutch…. and it was the Canadians who liberated Velp, and it was just pandemonium. They saved so many lives by bringing food, bringing relief.”

Given the recent need for historical reexamination of all war efforts, including the Allies, it might surprise some that the same Dutch girl who needed to be pushed under a German tank to avoid British air fire would delight in eating Canadian chocolate until she threw up. But modern eyes didn’t live through an occupation.

“I think history has lost the intensity of that experience, just because of time,” Matzen says. “Time heals all wounds, and we move on. But I thought it was important in the book to reconstruct what they went through, using diaries… It was such a vivid all-encompassing experience that if you talk to these people today, those who lived through it, their memories are undimmed.”

Audrey’s never were.

Audrey meets Fritzi and Otto Frank, the father of Anne Frank, in 1957. Courtesy of Robert Matzen / Anne Frank House

A Roman Holiday After the War

To Hepburn, Hollywood stardom was a fortuitous turn of events, almost a consolation prize for a dance career that never materialized after the war’s hardships derailed her plans and training. Luca Dotti, Hepburn’s second son by as many marriages, even related to Matzen that when his mother wished to impart wisdom to her children, it was always via the experiences she suffered through during the war—never her brief, glamorous Hollywood career. Yet some argue, including Matzen, that the role which brought her to Hollywood and made her an international star was directly informed by those wartime experiences.

Roman Holiday (1953), Hepburn’s first American movie for which she’d go on to win the Oscar, is very much a postwar fairy tale in which a beguiling princess named Ann goes rogue during a trip to Italy, escaping her royal escort and spending a whirlwind 24 hours in the still ravaged Italian capital. A sheltered princess who’s never lived without personal servants seems a far cry removed from the girl starving in a cellar, but they’re one in the same to her biographer.

Says Matzen, “Audrey does come from an aristocratic background, and she brought that to the princess role. But she was also at that time a young girl and, in some ways, very immature and sheltered from the world because of her upbringing and because of her focus on dance at the expense of really her social development. She was all about dance, then she was stuck in her cellar… so in those ways, she really was very Princess Ann-like when Ann escapes from the palace and starts to explore Rome. She’s a babe in the woods, just like Audrey was.”

He adds, “That ingenuous quality of Ann that Audrey brought to it made that performance so real, because Audrey didn’t have formal acting training at all, really. [She was] acting on instinct and bringing her own life experience to the part.”

It would also be the closest her on screen persona came to the war. Hepburn played a variety of women in her short career, from the ultimate good time girl Holly Golightly of Breakfast at Tiffany’s to the cockney Eliza Doolittle of My Fair Lady. But she never made World War II dramas. Most remarkably, she even reluctantly turned down Otto Frank, the father of Anne Frank who personally wanted to meet with Hepburn in the 1950s to play his daughter on screen. Audrey related too much to the fellow Dutch girl, who was murdered in a Nazi concentration camp for her Jewish heritage, to ever be able to “play” Anne. It was a story Audrey had been deeply affected by well before Roman Holiday, too.

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“After the war, Audrey and her mother moved to Amsterdam so Audrey could resume her dance career,” Matzen says. “And they happened to move into an apartment [where] below them lived the editor who was working on Anne Frank’s Diary. And this editor knew of Audrey’s experiences, love of dance, how she had been caught by the green police at one point and said, ‘You know what? This story might really interest you.’ So Audrey read the galleys for the Frank diary before it was published.” It destroyed her.

“This girl was born six weeks after Audrey. Anne Frank came from Frankfurt, Germany; Audrey came from Brussels, Belgium. They both became Dutch girls, and they spent the war 60 miles apart in the Netherlands. They shared the same war being under occupation and fearing the Germans every day. Of course Anne Frank’s diary stops in the beginning of August 1944… Audrey survived, and she didn’t use the word ‘survivor’s guilt’ but she felt it.”

Hepburn politely refused Anne’s father. Hepburn never wanted to make money off the story. In fact, she didn’t openly discuss her kinship with the material until years after her Hollywood career as a UNICEF goodwill ambassador. The new duties allowed Hepburn to do public readings of Anne Frank’s Diary at galas—and also travel into war-torn countries and raise awareness for starving children: a horror Hepburn knew too much about from her own youth.

The Princess and the Warrior

That story of Hepburn as the late-in-life UNICEF work is also the subject of Matzen’s next book, Warrior. And it was Hepburn’s son, Luca Dotti, who convinced him to write it.

“Luca said, ‘When UNICEF signed my mother they thought they were going to get a pretty princess to raise money at galas,’” Matzen recalls. “‘And what they really got was a badass soldier.’ I then got goosebumps.”

The images from Hepburn’s time in UNICEF were those of her in impoverished regions holding starving children. However, what was not shown were the struggles getting to these places, or the war zones she had to evade.

“The first night she spent in Ethiopia was in a hotel in a city under siege,” Matzen says. “There was no running water in the hotel. It had been knocked out by bombs. The only way she was safe with her contingent was because there were armed guards all around the lobby of the hotel. That’s not what you think about with Audrey.”

Indeed, much like her experiences with her own war in the 1940s, it’s a million miles away from the Hollywood fashion icon. Perhaps though the inability to fully reconcile these two sides of Audrey—the princess and what Matzen calls the warrior—is what informed a screen presence unlike any other.

“She was kind of a chameleon, which I find very interesting, because I don’t understand it in some ways,” Matzen says. “She went straight from Quito, Ecuador where she had just been in this incredibly poverty-ridden situation, straight to a Givenchy retrospective in Los Angeles where her dress was brought in by taxi with an hour to spare. Then she all of a sudden would be the princess again.”

When someone asked at the event how she could go from one world to the other, she responded, “I don’t consider it two different worlds. It’s all my life.”

Now fans are at last seeing the whole picture.

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intimatevoid · 6 years

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Stolen from @littledonkeyburrito, as usual~

1. Do you prefer guys to shave down there? I have no preference. As long as the hair isn't making things difficult, like getting caught in hands and toys and teeth, he can do what he wants.

2. Do you prefer liquid, mousse or powder foundation? Why? I don’t really think about it because I don't wear foundation. My skin's clear enough that I don't need it, and even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t wear it because I would sweat it off in minutes. (Setting spray? I destroy setting spray ;A; it’s the worst.)

3. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? Next to nothing, I guess. All she knows is that I've been with Ash for a while, and that I was with Seb for a while too.

4. Do you enjoy watching cooking shows? Not really. Like if one's on in a waiting room or something then I'll absently watch, but if I have any say in the matter then I don't know watch them.

5. Do you worry about gaining weight? Only if it affects my health somehow. Aside from a recent fluctuation from hormonal fuckery, I can usually do whatever I want without my weight changing at all.

6. Have you ever used fake tan? Nah, I've never needed to. I tan really dark, really quickly.

7. How do you organize your make-up? I just put different kinds into little ziplock bags to keep them from getting lost in my makeup bag. Pens in one, eye-shadow and eye brushes in the other.

8. Do you ever look at someone cute, and automatically make a move? Hahaha, holy fuck, I would never have confidence in my own desirability to do something like that. What would the point even be?

9. Do you live in a house, apartment, or another type of arrangement? An apartment, but I’m hoping like crazy that later this year I’m able to move into a house.

10. What’s one event your town has that you don’t like to participate in? Toowoomba has the Carnival of Flowers. I usually avoid it because it’s too hot, and too noisy.

11. Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names? Nope, though Clare (the bitchy, transphobic one) is engaged to a lovely guy named Simon who deserves so much better.

12. Does your father have any creepy or scary friends you don’t like? I haven’t spoken to my dad in years. I haven’t spoken to any of his friends in even longer. Though he’s all about being friends with Jesus, who certainly creeps me the fuck out. Does he count?

13. Do you watch any shows that you know your parents wouldn’t approve of? Ha! Literally anything that’s not conservative or whatever, they would disapprove.

14. What venue was the last real concert you went to at? Some concert hall in Brisbane, I don’t remember what it’s called.

15. Does your best friend and their mom have the same last name? Yes, no, no, yes, and half plus their dad’s last name.

16. What color is your cellphone? Black.

17. Are you currently waiting for a phone call? From whom? No, thank fuck.

18. Do you have any drugs in your bedroom? No

19. Is there a feature on your face that people compliment you on? Sometimes my eyes or my skin.

20. What are your plans for the rest of the week? Nothing, thank fuck. This past week has been exhausting and I am grateful for the chance to finally fucking rest.

21. How many studded belts do you own? None.

22. Has your partner ever had braces? I don’t think so?

23. What have you eaten today?   A sandwich, and some spicy noodles.

24. What’s your favourite thing to do? Quietly spend socially antisocial time with loved one/s, perhaps gaming or reading, gently touching but otherwise not interacting.

25. Did you wear a jacket today? Lord no, it’s way too hot.

26. Have you kissed more than two people of the same sex? Eyyyup!

27. How many times have you had sex in one day? Twice I think? Or maybe only once. I don’t have sex very often.

28. Did you exercise at all today? Nope, but I’m scheduled for it tomorrow.

29. Would you ever move far away for a job opportunity? Only if the new location was geographically close to somebody I care about. I’ve worked too fucking hard on my relationships to waste it all by distancing myself from any more of my loved ones.

30. Are you too shy/embarrassed to tell people your middle name? Negatory.

31. If not, what is it? No bc internet, but anyone who knows me well will know it anyway.

32. What day of the week is garbage day on your street? I always forget the exact day; it’s either Tuesday or Wednesday.

33. What is something new you learned today? That it’s possible to complete Dark Souls without ever levelling up.

34. Do you need a haircut? Not a full haircut, but I do need a trim. It’s been about six months since my last one and my split ends are insane.

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? If I try, yeah.

36. When was the last time you ate popcorn? Too long ago! Probably during a D&D session.

37. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Cheap restaurants. The more expensive they get, the less I enjoy the atmosphere.

38. Is your name common? My first and middle names are semi-common, and my surname is very rare, at least in australia.

39. Do you look older or younger than your actual age? Before I transitioned, I was mistaken for up to ten years older. Now that I’ve transitioned, always younger.

40. Were you ever a Pokemon fan? Yus!

41. If you could get rid of one season, which one would you choose? Of which show?

42. Have you ever performed in front of a large group? A couple of times, yeah.

43. Are you hungry right now? Nah, I just ate.

44. Have you ever had the chicken pox? Nope. I should probably get vaccinated. 44. How often do you do laundry? About once a week.

45. Do you know anyone who snores? I do. It sucks, cause I used to not snore at all. Then randomly, about a year and a half ago, I just started snoring for no reason at all. 46. Would you make a good movie critic? I think, with some training, I could. I’m good at being analytical and critical of things. 47. What goal are you aiming for this year? 1) Move house in March/April, 2) yisit Dusty in May/June, and 3) build a computer in July when my tax return comes in! 48. What’s the farthest you’ve walked? In one day? Hard to say, I used to walk a lot but not so much anymore. 49. What does your favourite shirt look like? My current fave is just a plain black blouse. I like it because it goes with almost everything.

... what? I’m poor, I don’t own much clothing. 50. What made you feel most accomplished in your life so far? Realising just how many people I’ve surrounded myself with who care about me. Realising that I’m going to be okay. 51. What can’t you afford but wish you could? BASIC LIVING REQUIREMENTS LIKE DECENT FOOD AND CLOTHING AND STUFF LIKE THAT

Last 10 people in your Facebook messages inbox: (excluding group chats)

1. Moses

2. Sage

3. Ash

4. Maz

5. Kathryn

6. Maddie

7. Seb

8. Chloe

9. Tammy

10. Ruin

1. How long have you known 1? Since the day he was born.

2. When did you meet 2? A few years ago, though we didn’t really talk til Miitomo became a thing.

3. When was the last time you saw 3? About half an hour ago.

4. Have you and 4 ever gotten into trouble together before? Oh ho ho, have we ever.

5. How old is 5? 31? I think?

6. Have you ever taken a shower at 6’s house? Nope, I’ve never been to her place at all.

7. Have you ever taken a dump at 7’s house? Haha, yeah.

8. Have you ever thought about going out with 8? Mmmmmmmaybe :3

9. What about 9? Not going out, but we’ve fooled around together.

10. Would you ever go out with 10 or ask 10 out? I actually used to want to, but now we’ve settled into a much more satisfying dynamic.

11. What’s the best memory you have had with 1? No specific ones, but watching him start animating from scratch and achieve great things has been amazing.

12. What’s 2′s lastname? nooooot my place to spill it on the internet :P

13. Would you ever take a bullet for 3? Maybe. It’s hard to say without the situation actually happening.

14. What would you do if 4 died? I’d be pretty fuckin’ sad.

15. What would you do if you found out 5 killed someone that you were related to? Depends on who it was. I’m not very close to most of my relatives.

16. Would you take care of 6 if they were sick? Of course, assuming she was close enough to do so.

17. Would you kill 7 if it was the only way for your other friends to survive? Yep. Sorry dude. If it’s any consolation, I’d say the same for literally everyone else on this list.

18. Has 8 ever cooked for you? She has not, on account of her living half a world away. But we have promised to cook for each other when we finally meet!

19. How many times have you and 9 fought? I don’t think we ever have.

20. Have you and 10 ever cried together? I don’t think at the same time, but we’ve each had times where we cried with the other, yeah.

21. Have you and 1 ever kissed? Ew. No. He’s my brother.

22. Do you ever dream of 2? They’ve been in my dreams once or twice before.

23. Is 3 a boy? Nope.

24. Does 4 have any kids? Noooope.

25. Do you want to marry 5? Nah, I don’t think we’re really suited for that. 26. How did you meet 1? it all started when my mother gave birth to him

27. What was your first impression of 2? meme master 28. Would you ever date 3? I currently am dating 3! 29. Are 4 and 5 friends? They have never met.

30. Who is 6 going out with? Nobody at all. 31. Is 7 a boy or girl? It feels weird calling him a “boy”. He is a man. 32. What would you think if 8 became your stepbrother/sister? I would wonder how the fuck her parents 1) met mine, and 2) didn’t despise each other 33. Is #9 a dork? Of course, and I love that about her.

34. What is a random fact about #10? They make incredibly tasty vanilla custard. 35. Who does #1 have a crush on? Probably his girlfriend 36. Does #2 have any stalkers? Alas, I think they do, though hopefully they’ve all fallen away by now 37. If #3 said they were in love with you, what would you say? I would say it back to them, and we would kiss, because it is already common knowledge that this is a thing.

38. Is #4 hot? My sister is an incredibly gorgeous lass and anyone she fell for would be very lucky to be with her ^_^ 39. Who is #5 best friends with? Her sister, I think. 40. Does #6 have good fashion sense? I don’t think she tries to, but she certainly doesn’t look bad or anything. Her hair is excellent for sure. 41. Is #7 single? He is not! He started dating a lovely lady recently, which was delightful to hear. Hopefully I get to meet her in a couple of weeks. 42. Would #8 and #9 make a cute couple? Ahahaha, I think they’d drive each other up the wall.

#tumblr games #littledonkeyburrito

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yoolee · 7 years

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I love character analysis posts and you always give so much detail and thought about these precious lords. Would you be able to do an analysis on Kenshin? His main story is a bit confusing at points but we know he's depressed either because of the pressure of being labeled the God of War or over feeling guilty over Kagetsugu's sister for some unknown reason. I just wondered what your thoughts were on this?

Ahaahaa a) thank you, both for the ask, and for saying so! and b) I am so sorry. I AM SO SORRY.

Before I do anything lemme link you to THISbecause it’s one of my favorite theories even if we know it’s not canon.

NOW. It’s been awhile since I’ve read his route and he doesn’thave as much content as some of the other lords so my grasp here is LESS basedon little details the story gives us and more on OVERALL IMPRESSIONS and weknow that personal experience colors our impressions significantly, so, yes, yourmileage may vary.

TOO LONG, DON’T WANNA READ VERSION: I think Kenshin’s treasury is a metaphor for his dissonant worldperception – one where he fundamentally viewsneeds (ie, hunger of these 400 people he has to seefed and the loneliness of a single old man) as equal in value, and the fact heknows other people don’t see it that way, the constant need to prioritizethings he perceives as equal value (because he is a leader and he has to and he knows/accepts this) drives his sense of guilt, as does hisperception of beauty (which, in yoolee’s head, extends to violence) which allin turn fuels his melancholy.

When I think of Kenshin I think: BEAUTY, GUILT, & DYSPHORIA/DISSONANCEIN WORLD PERCEPTION.

Imma work backwards and start with that last one.

Have you ever witnessed or experienced something and had amoment of dissonance where like, literally no one else in the room (in theclass, on the street, etc) realizes the significance of something? Going backto lee-experience here – junior year of high school (age ~16/17), we wereassigned to read The Things They Carried, and I started reading it over lunch.I had never skipped class in my lifebut I was late to my next period because I ended up vomiting in the girl’sroom. I was so shook up. There was this idea of truth that just, wholly and entirely rocked my worldview, and youadd in the idea of war, and what it does to people, and the fact this was validand generally accepted to be autobiographical depiction of it and just—it messedme up. And there was the rest of the class, going on about basketball and Spanishlines and rehearsal schedules and I was like WHY DOES NO ONE ELSE GET THIS. Andthen you wonder—did I interpret it wrong? Is this just me?

I think Kenshin’s entireperception of the world around him is in constant dissonance with everyone around him, and I think he haslong, LONG given up on trying to explain it, because if he is the only one thatsees something, it’s probably him that’s broken and not everyone else, and ifit hurts him so much why would he tryand explain it to someone else when they aren’t hurting now? He’s not going todo that.

(I think to a great extent he would still have this inmodern times, but there would be other outlets and willingness to accept and beopen to it, and probably overall more people like that, and less decisionmaking that would cause this to cause pain, as it does, for reasons BELOW)

SO.

WHAT DOES THAT PERCEPTION LOOK LIKE.

I think, specifically, it’s the perception of value of things where Kenshin radicallydiffers from…like, everyone. It isn’t necessarily that his view is any morepoetic or any less pragmatic than,for example, Kanetsugu – in fact, I think Kenshin sees the world much more honestly than most people. Ithink the world he sees is very real, toa point of being too real. I don’tthink Kenshin can walk away from something and put it out of his mind.

Like, imagine a restaurant. And shuffling carefully, slowly—becausemoving is hard and it hurts—to a corner table, all by himself, is an old man.And there’s no one there to eat with him, and there’s no one waiting at home,and he eats in silence, except for the brief interactions with the harriedwaiter—but his face lights up at even those, until the waiter drops off thecheck, and the man counts out his change, leaves it on the table, and, withoutanyone to say goodbye as he goes, leaves.

For some people, witnessing loneliness is a sting, and thenthey go back to their life. You may not fully register it.

I don’t think Kenshin is capable of going back to his life.I think that stays with him. I think that ishis life. I think he sees the child trip and skin their knee with the same vividness, clarity of detail, and gravity, as he sees the arc of his own sword in war. I think he sees the wife of the innkeeper’s eyes dart to the till in concern with the same perception he sees one of his retainers grimace after a sip of tea. I think he can’t not.

I think the hurt of lonelinessis weighted equally with the hurt of, for example, hunger to him – again going back to how he values things. I don’tthink he is wired to prioritize one over the other, to notice one thing more than another. As a leader, he is forcedto, and he is capable, because heunderstands why others would do that, but it doesn’t hurt his heart any less tosay, I can’t help these 4 people because I only have enough resources for these100 ahead of them.

And he can’t drop it and move in. He can’t file it away somewhere. So it just pilesand piles up, and he does everything he can to make sure no one else has tofeel that weight.

I also think he has convinced himself no one else willunderstand it – nor does he necessarily want them to, because it hurts right? But the fact he viewshimself as such means I think he very, very much doubts himself as a leader. Ithink, honestly, he sees his empathy as making him weak – in that era, wouldn’tyou be told as much?

THAT LEADS US TO GUILT

As a leader you have to make those decisions A LOT.

You have to leave people behind. You have to tell people towait. You don’t have enough time to stop and have dinner with an old man. Justas Kenshin is not capable of ignoring the 4 people he can’t help, nor is he capableof slighting any one of the 100 before them in their favor. To someone whovalues so many things as equal, forced prioritization has to be agony.

BASICALLY, I think his treasury is one giant metaphor forhis role in leadership – fundamentally unable to sacrifice even a torn littleleaf in favor of an elegant swathe of embroidered fabric, nor able to toss outthe fabric in favor of the leaf. But as a clan leader, he has to. And so heretreats to his treasury where he can lament the awfulness of choosing and notbe taken seriously (because being taken seriously would cause someone else tofeel pain, and he would not consciously share that burden).

I DO think he feels particularly haunted by what happened toTsugutsugu’s sister (and I think, perhaps, he valued Tsugutsugu’s sister more,and that was one of the few times in his life he has ever broken hisperception, and of course, it ended HORRIBLY so why would he try it again) butI think he is haunted by much, much more, all the time. Every interaction ofloneliness he has seen, every shadow in someone’s eyes, every dead soldier withtheir hand stiff around a loved one’s momento, every grave marker for a childwho didn’t have enough to eat.

Some leaders are capable of saying “I saved everyone Icould,” but I don’t think Kenshin is wiredto be able to make peace with that. And he knows that, and just keeps doinghis best, and his best will never, ever be enough to save everyone and he also knows that – so he is sortof a self-aware tragedy and hence we get his sweet fluttery humor, I legit thinkit is some straight up gallows humor. This is the other reason why I think hesees himself as a poor leader.

Deep down I think he knows he is not doing badly but surely someone else could dobetter, and they could do so without all this emotion clouding their judgmentetc and so forth.

AND FINALLY BEAUTY

Kenshin finds beauty everywhere. In part, I think, because he looks for it but also just because of his noticing of all the things, and as with needs, all beauty is equal.

One of my favorite, absolutely favorite, things about Kenshinis how het gets when he drinks sake, and when he goes to war.

(oh look, over there are the rails, and here is lee, far,far off of them you’ve been warned).

Violence can be horriblybeautiful. Now before you shudder and berate me for applying poeticplatitudes to something awful, lemme explain. I danced ballet for 18 years,some of them professionally. Ballet is beautiful.

You know what uses the exact same muscle groups and shapesas ballet?

Martial arts.

Like, literally, twisting out of an arm bar, arching yourback, sweeping your foot, throwing—mix it with the science of gravity and thereis a beautiful fluidity to it. Andthere is an amazing, raw humanity to indulging in the thoughtless passion ofit. Right up until someone’s arm bone meets someone’s knee and it snaps, and thenit’s as far from beautiful as it gets—that’s as insane of a juxtaposition as itgets, in seconds. Total synchronicity,and then total destruction.

Those are both realitiesfor Kenshin. I think he lives them both constantly, especially in battle. I do think he probably finds violencebeautiful even if he abhors that fact about himself. I believe part of thereason he is so good at it is because he watchesit with total fascination for the beauty inherent to it. I also think he wants to despise it but rather thanactually hating it and being stuck in hate, he’s actually stuck in a feeling-guilty-about-NOT-despising-it-as-much-as-he-shouldloop when he’s sober.

I think he can let go of the guilt when he’s drunk andindulge his selfishness. I think the ONE thing Kenshin does not view asvaluable is himself and his own wants (but yoolee, I hear you protesting, doesn’the just do whatever he wants and cause his poor retainers grief—YES but, it’snot coming from a place of self-value, it’s coming from his perception of thevalue of whatever it was he was doing) and I think he’s able to indulge a little bit when he’s drunk. Or like, if nothing else, it dulls the guilt (at least until he’s sober, and he gets to add whatever he did while drunk to his list)

SO YEAH.

I definitely read him as someone who is very, very ground down by his own perception of the world, doing his best to…do his best, despite it.

And I think the MC bridges his worldview with the worldview of his retainers, and that’s one of the reasons he loves her so much. She’s sort of in between the two extremes. And it scares him, because he does value her over other things and last time that happened it ended BADLY, but it’s also a relief, probably, to have one thing he CAN treasure more than other things, because it quiets the noise–instead of thinking about a thousand things, he can think of her, and just her.

She’s our God of War’s peace!

#to be clear I don't plan this stuff #I just type #so apologies if it's incoherent #kenshin

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divinelydivorced · 7 years

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Goodbye, Grandma

My grandma passed away yesterday morning. Even though we knew it was coming, it is still hard. Tuesday around 3:50 am, I awoke suddenly and couldn’t quite get back to sleep until 4:30. Come to find out, the end started around four and she was gone around 4:20. It’s amazing how souls are so connected that we can feel the loss happening at the exact moment it occurs. The older I get, I am made more aware of how similar my grandma and I are. I’m proud to have inherited so many of her quirky traits and have come to embrace them. In fact, I see them as a tribute to the impact she had on my life. So, in honor of the life my grandma lived, here are the 25 things she has taught me:

1. Bladder problems ARE a joking matter. My grandma was a hot mess, God love her. Whether it was peeing her pants in an elevator in front of a bunch of strangers or never leaving a restaurant without a huge stain on her top, she always managed to leave a trail. Most people would cry or die of embarrassment, but she’d just hee-haw, laughing so hard she’d likely pee again. She passed on her small bladder and the ability to find humor in the embarrassment to me, which has provided my friends with endless counts of entertaining stories. College friends still text from time to time, “Remember when Adam Harris finally asked you to hang out and you had to say no because you’d just peed on your long sweater and had to shower and change?” Yes, yes, I remember.

2. If you want it, get it. She always knew what she wanted and wasted no time in purchasing it. I remember, around age ten, her saying how much she wanted a bird feeder. I went home and made one out of an old milk carton. When I showed up to proudly give it to her, only two days later, there in her front yard was a brand new gorgeous wooden one.

3. Eat it and get it over with. My grandma was notorious for eating an entire watermelon in the course of an afternoon. This also contributed to her bladder problems. Once, my sister went to take a nap at her house. While drifting in and out, she caught a whiff of the sweet smell of a butter braid (a very large pastry you’d take to a party). When she awoke excited for dessert, she went out to discover my grandma had de-thawed it, cooked it, and ate 99% of it in the course of two hours. To this day, whenever I make any dessert-I eat 99% of it while it’s still hot. We all know what’s going to happen so just get it over with already.

4. If it annoys you, get rid of it-no matter its practicality. My grandma loved buying things almost as much as she loved getting rid of those same things three months later. One time she showed up at mom’s house with a car full of lamps. She decided she hated lamps and wanted them all gone. My mom, always the practical one, kept them so when my grandma realized later they were necessary, she wouldn’t have to buy more. Any of my friends know I’m the same. I served wine in a juice glass the other day. My friend asked, “Don’t you have wine glasses?” “I did,” I said, “but just got rid of them.” “Why? You didn’t use them?” he asked. “No, I used them all the time. I just got tired of looking at them.”

5. Never stop moving. My grandma moved all the time. She’d often announce it at the latest holiday dinner. She would wake up, be suddenly sick of her place, and a month later would be somewhere new. She once left a home, only to return to it a few years later. A constant mover myself, I was looking forward to staying in my current place for more than a year (a new record) until I recently found out I had to vacate in 30 days due to construction. Although annoying and inconvenient, I was not surprised when I found myself thinking the other day, “Actually-I’m kind of over this place, so that worked out.”

6. Crazy is charming. My grandma was nuts, as am I. Yet we embrace the crazy and combine it with big hearts. That’s why people keep coming back. A little crazy never hurt anyone…and we are a lot of fun on road trips.

7. The flu is for sissies. We’d often stay at her house when we had the flu. Grandma gave us whatever we wanted, which included the time my brother insisted he wanted to eat a bunch of tacos. You can imagine my mother’s frustration when she arrived to pick him up and found him vomiting ground beef and shredded cheese everywhere.

8. Pools and convertibles aren’t luxuries, they’re necessities. Life’s too short. GET THEM BOTH.

9. Dogs are our children. She had an antique cradle for her dog to sleep in and was the first to introduce me to a dog stroller. I get it and think it makes absolute sense.

10. You don’t need a man. Most of my life she’s been single. Men have chased after her and she’ll let them buy her lunch or keep her company, yet it goes no further. Because at the end of the day, she’s her own woman and has no need for a full-time man dragging her down. This is a lesson I’m still learning.

11. Soap operas are good television. She lived near the high school, so at lunchtime, my girlfriends and I would take our lunches to eat at her place and watch Days of Our Lives. Those were some of my favorite memories. If the show got really intense and it was time for us to go, she’d try convincing us to drive her car back, at age 14, so she didn’t have to leave. She even took me and my aunt to a Days of Our Lives festival one summer. When it came to idolizing celebrities, her and I saw eye to eye.

12. Dairy Queen can be dinner. When she helped move me to Michigan, we spent a week eating Dairy Queen snicker blizzards for every meal. She was doing Weight Watchers at the time and, although two of these, met her quota for the day-she was willing to make the sacrifice. I remember thinking how brilliant this was. When we got tired of Dairy Queen (rare), we’d hit up the Chinese Buffet. No excuses and no shame-it’s how we rolled.

13. Why choose when you can have both. My grandma loved driving with the windows down. She also would sweat profusely. Once, we got in the car on a blazing summer day and I asked if we should turn on the AC or roll down the windows. Her answer? Both. We cranked the radio up, let the wind tousle our hair as the cold AC blasted our faces.

14. Underwear is optional. In fact, it’s often preferred you go without.

15. Sing loud and proud. My grandma had one of those loud operatic voices which she’d use to pelt Amazing Grace in church. We grandkids would chuckle, but in reality, I always loved how she simply didn’t care. She was singing for Jesus.

16. Spend your time how you want. There were years where she’d choose hours of Farmville over leaving the house. I’ve been known to spend an entire 48 hour weekend playing Sims-taking breaks only to run to the bathroom and grab a snack. It’s our time-we will do what we want with it, and if that means interacting with computerized lives over human ones, so be it.

17. There’s always something burning in the oven. Every holiday she left something in the oven. EVERY. HOLIDAY. How no one caught on, I don’t know. How I managed to inherit this trait, despite being annoyed by it, beats me. It seems the rolls always take the biggest hit…who needs carbs anyway-more DQ.

18. There’s no time for sentimentality. At a family event, she once walked out with crates of old photographs-including her wedding photos-and announced to the family she was throwing them away the next morning, so, “grab what you want.” Everyone started arguing with her and refusing to take anything. Meanwhile I did a clean sweep, loading boxes into my car. Later, everyone was grateful because she kept to her word and burned everything I didn’t get my hands on. Years later, I marched out to the living room with a box full of the photos I’d taken and said to my mom, “I’m throwing all of these away tomorrow, so take what you want.” You better believe she took them-lesson learned.

19. Sausage gravy is love. As long as I knew her, she had a part-time job of sitting with an elderly person, a job I’ve now inherited. As soon as I could work, she started taking me along and then giving me some of her shifts. She taught me how to make sausage gravy-the first meal I ever learned to cook. “Old people love sausage gravy,” she told me. She was right.

20. Rules are meant to be broken. My grandma didn’t give a f***. In fact, she invented the phrase. Sometimes she’d do stuff simply to get a reaction out of you. There was no rhyme or reason-she went with her urge. I remember walking through the shoe store with my mom a couple years ago and asking my mom, “Do you ever get a strong desire to just start knocking things over?”

21. If it can go in a blender, it should. Grandma introduced me to smoothies and I’ve never looked back. “Everything can go in a blender!” she once enthusiastically told me as she threw in leftovers along with fruit and hit “blend.” Now I buy pineapple in bulk and enough produce to feed a small village for a month.

22. New fads are meant to be tried. My grandma purchased every diet pill and vitamin that existed, as well as any exercise devise. She had one of those machines that shook you, vibrating a strap around your bottom and promising to eliminate cellulite by simply standing there. She had the utmost confidence they would work. Each time she’d pull the latest tool or pill out of the box, I’d watch in awe as she demonstrated its powers, believing she’d discovered the secret to staying fit and healthy. She instilled this hope in me. I carried a crystal around for weeks once after reading it’d get my period to finally to start. I paid an obscene amount of money for Cindy Crawford’s miracle elixir, returning it 30 days later, and then surprising myself by purchasing it a second time years later during a 5 am workout binge when the infomercial reappeared. My recent purchase was a $100 fascia blaster which I use with fervor, while watching Friends episodes, and later have to justify when explaining the bruises on my legs to friends with a, “Yeah, it hurts but I can feel it working!”

23. Walk everywhere. It’s great exercise, sure. But, more importantly, it gives you a chance to catch up on the town gossip.

24. Careful-you can give a man your yeast infection. This statement alone is self-explanatory. Yet my grandma felt the need to retell an in-depth twenty-minute story of how her and my grandpa discovered this to be factual, leaving me scarred for life.

25. When life pushes back, you push harder. The beginning of my grandma’s life was not easy. In fact, as I understand it, it was quite hard. My grandpa rescued her and she fell madly in love. When he died so young, it would have been easy to give up. But she didn’t. She found job after job, she gave of herself whenever she could, and always left people laughing. She was resilient. She didn’t take the easy way out and, in fact, often took the road less traveled. She made no apologies and left some scars. Although I will miss her greatly, I am grateful she’s in heaven, reunited with my grandpa-right where she’s always wanted to be.

So, sing loud, grandma. Eat your fill of watermelons and leave your underwear here on earth. I won’t say rest in peace because that never was your style and, besides, I can hear the hee-hawing from heaven already. In the end, she had it right. We don’t need all this stuff we carry around because it’s only temporary. All that matters is how you make people feel, the laughter over tears, and never giving up. And, of course, always knowing where the nearest restroom is.

#divinelydivorced #movingforward #learningtoloveagain #trytryagain #nevergiveup #yogainspiration #veganlife #citygal #chicagogal #chicagosingle #chicagodating #trust #faith #goodbyegrandma #flyflyaway #missyoualready

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dearmyblank · 7 years

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Dear Dad,

I want you to know that you've destroyed me. Let me start from the beginning:

You and my mother are two people who should have never been together. You were married with children, you had two other daughters outside of that marriage when it ended, with different women. Then you met my mother and got her pregnant as well. She didn't want me, she had three children already but you begged her and paid her to keep me and she accepted (did you know that she told me once that she wished she'd aborted me?). Then when she had me she wanted to keep me but you paid her so that you could bring me up alone, in a different country. As you put it, bring me up 'in your way'. You say this because my siblings didn't grow up the way you wanted. You bad-mouth them to me and say I'm your favourite. You have no idea how much I despise you when you say things like that. You bad mouth my sister the most, the mother to your only grandchild, and the best mother figure I've ever had.

When I was 7/8 years old my mother showed up and you moved her into our household. I still have no idea why but eventually you two started hating each other and fighting. Actually, you were the one who was angry and shouting, she never fought back from what I remember. I was so young and you'd brought me up, so it was easy for you to turn me against her too. Did you know that I only have one memory of playing with my mother as a child? That game involved me 'jokingly' insulting her and she actually played along with that. I was 8 years old.

When I was around 10/11 she stopped living with us. However, your temper had worsened by this point and you screamed at me for every little thing. I came home from school one day and you noticed I'd been chewing my nails again and you shouted at me so much about this that I cried and smashed my bowl of food on the floor. You shouted at me for a lot of little stuff. Did you know that now I can't stand shouting or shout myself because it stresses me out so much? Just thinking about a loud voice makes me anxious.

By this point I was already too scared to ask you for anything. Don't get me wrong, I never needed to go without anything, we had money. But I was so uncomfortable about you, my own father, that I was too scared to ask for new clothes when I needed them. Too scared to ask for sanitary products so had to make do with loo roll pads for years until I could buy my own. You paid for me to have riding lessons, which I am grateful for, but I dreaded every time they ended because I knew you'd have been watching me and usually had some snide remark about me, the instructor, my horse etc.

When I was 16/17/18 I got perfect grades, my academic record was perfect. Then I got one bad grade against my perfect academic record and you made me feel terrible about that one grade. I got it in a subject I'd always struggled with and it was a miracle I'd carried it on so far. After that moment I was afraid of showing you my grades. Also, you screamed at me when I told you I didn't want to go to the University of Cambridge. That was your life plan for me, not mine and you made me cry that night, when it should have been the beginning of a great adventure. I got the grades, why wasn't that enough.

Did you know that I hate eating with you? When I was younger you told me several times that I was putting on weight or that I ate too much. I am a perfect weight. I have never weighed more than 49kg and have been the same weight since I was 14. I play sports and eat ok. You eat like a fucking pig and you almost ruined my love for food. I used to throw away food and try to make myself sick but thankfully that never got anywhere. You also feel the need to comment on other people's weight: athletes, people on the street etc. Did you know that I normally eat food very slowly, especially in good company. When I have to eat with you I will swallow food whole to make the meal as short as possible.

I'm 21 now. The university I'm at isn't Cambridge but it's still one of the top 10 in the World. I should be proud of myself, but I'm not. All my life you've emphasised that my grades are the most important thing, but I didn't do so well last year. These were your exact words afterwards: "You need to do well so that I can be proud of you again". Tbh, after that I've stopped trying to make you proud, you'll never be happy. But after that you made me realise that I have no self-worth, I'd always based worth around exam grades. Now I'm not doing as well as I used to or I could and I don't know what I am anymore, I'm so lost.

Dear dad, did you know that I have been heavily suicidal for over a year? This is why I fucked up my exams last year. Ofc, I can't tell you because you fucking scare me and even though I love you, I don't like you. You're a narcissist and you make me miserable. I've started self-harming, I've seen psychologists and have been referred to therapy. Two weeks ago I bought a ticket to the coast because I was going to commit suicide. But ofc you don't know this, for all you know or care I'm at university studying hard to get the grades so that you can tell everyone how proud you are of my grades. You don't know that all of my friends who know about my poor mental health are fucking terrified for me; one of them is now tracking my phone location to make sure I'm ok so she can help me if I need. But they have never left my side. Whenever I messed up at home you yelled and whenever I needed help I was too scared to ask you. When I did something you didn't like you used to say "If you're not happy I can just leave now", and I would cry and do whatever it was. Whenever I mess up or need help from my friends they will go the extra mile, no questions asked. They've saved my life so many times and I've never been scared of them.

This is getting too long and there's still so much I've missed out but anyway, I just wanted you to know the thing that hurts me most. I have never compared my life to anyone else's but there is one thing I am jealous about. I'm jealous when I see my friends interacting with their parents. I'm jealous because for them it's so easy, that they want to hug their parents, tell their parents when they are upset. They can not only love their parents but they can like them too. I miss my mum, I fucking miss her and I wish I hadn't been so horrible. But it's kinda too late to have a relationship now. Thanks a lot.

Did you know that I'm in love? Well I am, but there's no way in hell I'm introducing her to you. You always say we should be closer, that I should spend more time with you and talk to you more, but the damage is already done, I'll have a family of my own one day but you will have very little to do with it.

Thank you so much for teaching me how not to be as a person or a parent. Regards, Your Daughter

#dearmyblank #dear my blank #d #f #submission

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lalka-laski · 4 years

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1. State your name: Elizabeth

2. State the name that your parents almost named you: My name was either going to be Catherine Elizabeth or Elizabeth Catherine and they drew slips of paper out of a hat to determine which.

3. Which of your relatives do you get along with the most? My sisters or my cousin Rachel

4. What was your first job? Camp counselor

5. Which of your relatives do you despise the most? Uhh, there’s some I don’t get along with and there are a few I consider not so great people. But I don’t despise any of them.

6. Did anything embarassing happen this week? Not that I can think of

7. Do you miss your ex? Not even a little bit! I have everything I could’ve ever wished for in a partner now and nothing else could compare

8. Do you ever dream about your ex? Not really

9. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? I gravitate towards pastels and feminine colors, but I love classic black too.

10. How do you wear your makeup? Pretty natural and normal looking. The “no makeup” makeup look is my go-to.

11. What are some of your nicknames? Lala, Little Bit/Lil Bit, Enebis, Ela, Lizzie, Liz

12. How many bedrooms are in your house? One

13. How many bathrooms? One

14. Do you have a job? Sure do

15. Do you have a car? Sure don’t

16. Do you think you will go to college? Been there, done that. Wait actually, I’m considering going back for a Master’s at some point so...

17. Tell me what you think hate means: I don’t feel like getting all philosophical. I’m here for a good time, ok?

18. What is your definition of ugly: Physically or emotionally unappealing, I guess?

19. What is your definition of beauty: There is no singular definition of beauty and that has been one of the most freeing and empowering realizations of my life.

20. Do you have muscles? We all HAVE muscles. I just don’t have very defined ones.

21. How about abs? See above

22. Do you work out every week? Not even close.

23. Did you brush your teeth this morning? Of course

24. Name a fact that you think is bullshit: I don’t believe that we swallow seven spiders a year in our sleep or however that tidbit goes.

25. Have you ever seen Pen and Tellers Bullshit? Nope

26. Do you like Obama? I do

27. Did you like Bush? For sure not

28. Something about your neighbors that you hate: My upstairs neighbors have incredibly perfect timing for thumping around and making a ruckus. And by perfect timing I mean- as soon as I start drifting to sleep.

29. Something about your neighbors that you like: The only one Ive ever interacted with beyond a polite “hello” is the guy who lives across the hall. He’s a friendly dude!

30. Has your neighborhood ever thrown a block party? I don’t think so

31. Have you ever kissed someone you never saw again? Yes

32. Have you ever held hands with someone of the same sex? Yeah, what a weird question

33. What kind of bathing suit do you wear? I have a few different styles

34. Do you like your eyes? I have a greater appreciation for them now that my boyfriend is obsessed with them. Every day he examines them and goes “alright, what color are they today?”

35. Do you think you are pretty? I am growing more and more comfortable with myself/my appearance thanks to my boyfriend.

36. What do you think of girls who are ugly, who think they are hot? If you think you’re hot, you are hot. And I respect the hell out of that!

37. Have you ever called someone fat? Yes but I wouldn’t do that again.

38. Have you ever confronted someone who was making fun of a stranger? I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a situation

39. Are you a bully? Absolutely not

40. Have you ever called a complete stranger fat before? This survey is WILD lol

41. Do mean people lack a soul? I’d say so

42. Have you ever put a curse on someone who said something mean about you? Daily

43. Have you ever practiced witch craft? It’s debatable

44. What do you think of Satanists? I respect them

45. Did you know people who practice satanism could curse you? That’s not what satanism is about. In my experience with it, it’s about the rejection of organized religion and the exposure of hypocrisies and injustices. They don’t actually believe in Satan and they certainly don’t worship him.

46. Do you believe in hexes? Maybe

47. Do you believe in vampires? I’m sure there’s actual blood suckers out there.

48. Who was the last person you cussed at? I can’t remember. That’s not really my style.

49. Do you have a jacuzzi? I wish!

50. How much money is in your pocket right this moment? Zero dollars and zero cents. I don’t even have pockets in these pants

51. How much money is in your checking account? I don’t know the exact dollar amount and I wouldn’t disclose it even if I did.

52. How much is in your savings? See above

53. Are you well off? I’m getting by

54. Do you have kids? Not yet. But I have two little girls I watch who keep me very busy and satisfy all my baby urges!

55. Do you want kids (for those who dont have them)? Someday yes

56. What do you think of people on welfare? That’s not my business at all and I’m happy there are resources available for those who need it.

57. If we had a war over a tax on tea, why the hell have we accepted a tax on everything else? Uhhh...

58. Are you smart? I’m book smart.

59. Did you ever get left back in school? Nope

60. How many times have you gotten after school detention? I did once in sixth grade because I forgot my homework so many times in a week. I was always a strong student and got top grades. However, I’m also easily distracted and a bit absentminded. So it wasn’t that I didn’t DO the homework, it’s that I didn’t turn it in.

61. How many times have you gotten in school suspension? Never

62. Have you ever been expelled? If yes, what for? Again, never.

63. What is your worst subject in school? Math of any sort and most forms of hard sciences. I excelled in humanities and arts though.

64. Tell me what your back pack looks like: I don’t have one

65. Who is the ugliest person in your school? Based on 'the inside': I’m not in school. Not that I would even answer this question regardless...

66. Who is the happiest person you know? Hannah, the 2 year old I’m watching right now. Her laugh and smile could cure even the most severe grump!

67. Who is the loudest perosn you know? That might also be Hannah

68. Who is the most annoying person you have ever met? No response

69. What celebrity do you think is hot? Idris Elba, Brandon Flowers, Shakira

70. Did you read Twilight? Shamefully, yes. I think only the first one or two books though. Not that it makes it any less embarrassing. But in my defense, I was a teen girl at the height of its fame!

71. Last movie you saw in theatre: Toy Story 4

72. Are you dating the same person you dated last year? Yep!

73. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? Yes

74. Have you ever cheated?

75. Have you ever flirted with someone online that you never met? I guess sort of?

76. Have you ever met with someone you met online? I did a brief stint on Tinder but only went on two in-person dates. God, I’m so glad to be past that phase!

77. Have you ever been mean to someone just to make yourself feel better? Maybe when I was younger and less self-aware. Of course that’s not behavior I’d exhibit anymore though.

78. Tell me one thing, about yourself, that makes you an ugly person? This survey is obsessed with beauty and ugliness, huh? Well I’d say my least appealing trait is my jealousy but I’m working on that

79. Have you been honest? In this survey? Yes

80. Have you ever done drugs? No hard drugs

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