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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

#eiypo

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in-christalone · 2 years

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My friend is such a bad mother and it irks me. She hasn’t even started potty training her 3 year old, literally doesn’t even have a potty chair for him. And tell me why he still uses a bottle half the time?? Aren’t they supposed to be off bottles by 1 1/2-2?? It’s just so annoying to see these dead beat moms doing nothing to help their kids develop when I know I’d do anything to make sure my kid was where they should be for their age! Why don’t these moms treat their kids as a blessing? The only reason she even sits down to help her first grader with homework is bc cps checks up on her now 🤦🏻‍♀️ she told me he basically failed kindergarten but they passed him along anyway. He was put in speech therapy because she did nothing for him cognitively as a toddler, he’s been raised in front of a screen so she can do what she wants and get high. I would be so embarrassed and ashamed of myself!! Just ugh I can’t tell anyone this because I’ll get the whole “you can’t judge her!” but like I’m sorry i kinda am. I think it’s using good judgment to say she’s failing as a parent and a Christian because look at the choices she makes! It doesn’t mean I think shes damned or less deserving I just think she really needs a reality check & tbh I pray God sends her one.

My heart cries out for both the mother and her children. I know how stressful her life may be and she turns to 'getaways' in order to sustain herself. Imagine if she was leaning on the Lord our God for her strength. I've heard nothing about a husband, so I can only assume she's trying to take care of all her children alone and has slowly begun to "give in" or I could be wrong, and this "parenting" thing is new to her and she's not sure where to start or what should be done. Though one thing for sure:

I think she is in dire need of rest...

If I were in your shoes, I would ask her if there were anyway that you can help her with her children, maybe offer to babysit and teach them educational things while she takes some time alone and "reflect" [by your prayers and trust in God that that He would open her eyes to care more for her children]

If you are in a good relationship with her, you can be transparent and ask her if she needs help with knowing what to do with her children to help them develop. Let her know you'd be willing to help her do the research so her children can strive and do well in life and be self-sustaining instead of her doing everything for them and feeling overwhelmed by it.

This situation reminds me much of when James referred to his readers about serving others with action and not word only:

James 2:15-18 If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?

If she were to see that you are trying hard and making sacrifices for her children, because you love them and wish to see them do better, it may jump start something in her own heart to do better for her children. Kinda like an inspiration!

Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

I will be in prayer for your situation! Praying that you will be the tool God uses in this!

Blessings,

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enthusiasticsobrietyabuse · 3 years

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Re-post from r/MeehanSurvivors Reddit Community. An Enthusiastic Sobriety Counselor Survivor Story.

TW: References to child pornography, conversion therapy, homophobia, masturbation, and sex.

I would love nothing more than to preserve my admiration for the program, if only for the reason that it would be easier to do so, but after years of being deceived, I find it utterly absurd to disregard any contempt on the basis of the misplaced gratitude that it saved my life. While the program undoubtedly contributed to my success in a number of ways, it has nevertheless become clear that I’ve walked away with trauma that, even after all of this time, I fail to wholly understand. What I do know, however, is that my disillusionment with enthusiastic sobriety is heavily rooted in how I was treated, as the people who claimed to love me evidently made it their mission to eradicate who I was and, likewise, transform me into a duller, lesser version of themselves. I will never know who I could’ve been had they honored the parts of myself that needed nurturing, only who I am today and the damage I’ve since been left with.

From the moment I joined the program, I knew exactly what its expectations were. It was made abundantly clear throughout the treatment process, where I was bombarded with endless conversations about what it meant to be a winner - a concept given context far beyond a sober individual working the twelve steps. I was not only told how to behave, but what to believe about every area of my life. It did not matter if those areas were deeply personal, as evidenced by the countless discussions related to sex; in fact, I would not only learn who we could and could not fantasize about while masturbating, but what we could and could not do sexually - as if we could not be trusted to determine for ourselves the actions we take in our own bedrooms. I also found myself on the receiving end of many conversations revolving around whether or not it was acceptable to shave one’s own pubic region, as was a commonly held belief that a shaved pubic region was not only unnecessary, but a product of one’s own vanity that, incidentally, mimics child pornography. Perhaps more disturbing, however, was the ideology surrounding pornography, in general, that we were ordinarily subjected to. We were first told that no self-respecting woman would want to be with a man who’s actively watching porn; then, we were told that it alters a man’s behavior so much that women will be able to recognize whether or not they watch it. The possibility of romance was used as a weapon against us by the counselors, as well as group members, to conform to their principles, rather than allowing us to establish our own and when that didn’t work, personal attacks were their next best option. I remember being asked if I really wanted to be the guy who’s strung out on porn the rest of his life, as if it was some kind of crippling addiction that would keep me from getting anything I ever wanted out of life. Even more importantly, however, it was through these frequent exchanges that I became familiarized with “Pavlov’s Dog Theory,” a scientific study so bastardized by the counselors that it existed solely to explain away the possibility of any non-heterosexual orientation. Being insecure with my own sexuality, it was of course music to my ears to discover that my attraction to the same sex, a perversion as I then recognized it, was the result of watching too much porn and could be easily resolved by the work outlined by the program. For the next few years, I would work endlessly to alter my sexual orientation back to “normal” and apparently did so well enough that I was eventually asked to attend the Meehan Institute of Counselor Training.

When I was in counselor training, most of what we discussed had very little to do with counseling; in fact, the information required to pass the state-mandated test was tossed aside in exchange for the radically inappropriate teachings that came directly from the program itself. Examples of this, of course, include the explanation that non-heterosexual orientations were not only “unnatural” but an expression of one’s perverse desire for instant gratification, usually resulting from either their addiction to porn, as I had already learned in outpatient, or their unresolved childhood trauma. It was also reasoned that an attraction to the same sex was often a natural consequence of being in an abusive relationship with a member of the opposite sex, a belief supported only by the theory that the person, in question, had unlikely resolved their own fear of getting hurt again. Some people were just “pussies” that had decided to seek the “easier, softer way,” an almost comical assumption given that there is nothing “easier” or “softer” about being queer. I would actually be referred to as a “pussy” while sharing to one of the program's many directors that I had sexual thoughts about other men. His solution for me was that since “there is nothing romantic about two men butt fucking each other,” I should spend the time wasted fantasizing about that on where I would like to take a girl on a date. It’s these ways of thinking that we, who’s families spend $5,600 to send us to counselor training, learn for the three months that we’re there. It’s these three months, where we are taught that absurdity is a natural substitute for science, that earn us the right to then counsel others, many of whom are children. I never could've imagined the abuse that would follow, despite the seeds that had been sown throughout the better part of my recovery.

A few weeks after I graduated from counselor training, when I was working the Step One shift, a couple of the program's directors took me away from it to smoke cigars with them. It was there that they talked to me about how I needed to work on developing more masculine qualities, perhaps by engaging in a hobby that was, according to them, “outside of my comfort zone.” Later on, one of my coworkers would lecture me for the way I had reached out to a girl in the group, explaining that she, along with others, might think that I’m gay for agreeing to watch a “chick flick” with her. Another coworker would make fun of me for crying to a song that reminded me of my dead parent, for the reason that it was, according to her, a “gay” thing to do. In one of the monthly purpose meetings, the director made jokes about me being “inside” of another male counselor - something that was received only with laughter. Bob Meehan himself would even tell the training class following my own that while I deserved the upmost respect for taking everyone’s shit, I was probably gay. When I would share how I felt, in reference to these incidents, I was told that my options were either to “change it” or to “own it.” I began to internalize all of this and, due to my own desire to be accepted, I began working even harder to change these qualities that had been deemed unacceptable by those around me. I would later be celebrated in a purpose for denouncing a dramatic television show for the reason that when I watched it, it made me feel like a “faggot;” however, even that wouldn’t satisfy those around me, as my sponsor, who was also my coworker, would suggest that I stop watching Friends, as well, due to the fact that it was the kind of show his wife watched. I would experience similar criticism from yet another coworker who suggested that I only liked “girly shit” for “shock value” and that it was nothing more than my ego attempting to differentiate myself from everyone else. If by now you’re wondering why I even participated in these conversations, all I can say is that it was always in pursuit of becoming a better man and I trusted that the staff had those answers. I couldn't have been more wrong, as I can't help but notice today that what I was subjected to is in direct opposition of the very laws that protect employees from this kind of treatment by their employers; however, in the program, what’s illegal is classified as “spiritual.”

For years, I felt relegated to a subclass of human existence and for what reason? I spent years working on the things that made my life unmanageable primarily because the people around me decided that it was. Furthermore, I was promised that if I stopped watching porn, which I did for years, my brain would rewire itself and I would no longer be attracted to men. As stupid as that sounds now, why wouldn’t I, as an 18 year old, believe what I was hearing from who I only presumed to be trained professionals? I trusted them and really worked hard to take their every suggestion, going as far as becoming a member of Sexaholics Anonymous, despite the fact that I had never even had sex at that point. It was nothing if not incredibly painful to do the same thing over and over again, only to be told to get up and try again by the very people who would describe that as insanity in any other case. I was never once told that what I was doing wasn’t working for me; instead, I was told to try harder. In all of the time I spent in the program, I was never even given the option to try something different until after quitting, when someone told me that my sexual orientation, whatever it may be, was perfectly acceptable and far from a determining factor in my ability to effectively work a program. It took years to hear that, the majority of which were spent somewhere that I definitely should have. That is not only unacceptable but they should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

Alas, the problem I have with the program is not necessarily that they’ll never apologize to me, but that they lack the self-awareness to even consider it. When I shared my concerns about the program with one of their counselors, he dismissed them with the statement that it’s a perfect program ran by imperfect people and that I should judge them not by their actions, but by their intentions, which coincidentally, contradicts the program’s reliance on a quote from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous that states exactly the opposite. He also told me that I was angry and resentful, despite the fact that I was neither. When I shared my concerns with another counselor, he dismissed them with the suggestion that perhaps the counseling I received, in regards to my sexual orientation, resulted from how I presented it to the staff. His feedback was not only highly insulting, but a complete bastardization of the facts. Not only was I brutally honest about that area of my life, so much that it's all I spoke of, but I was the client and it was far from my role to ensure that the counselors did their job. I was little more than a child at the time; nevertheless, the implication that my negative experiences were all my fault only served as evidence that any attempt to cooperate with the program, and convince them of the ways in which I was harmed, is futile. Why would I want to, anyway, after years of watching any criticism of the program be rationalized as the delusions of “bailed kids” or “disgruntled ex-staff?” The only answer would be to prevent it from happening again, although to think that outcome is even a possibility appears naïve at best. They’ve made it abundantly clear where they stand, that they’re right, everyone else is wrong, and there’s no reason for them to change anything - lest of course it threatens their credibility, which in that case they only become more insidious in their transgressions.

TLDR: The program not only intrusively dictates the sex lives of their clients, but has proven itself to be particularly unloving toward those who are LGBTQIA+. It is a cultural issue that can not be reduced to a few examples of bad counseling. It is clear that they see no reason whatsoever to change this.

#the insight program #the cornerstone program #the pathway program #the crossroads program #the full circle program #believe survivors #breakingcodesilence #troubled teen industry #clint stonebraker

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silverlightqueen · 3 years

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Cursed

silverlightqueen’s SKZ Scarefest

wizard!Seungmin x human!reader - crack comedy, y/n’s a bit of a spoilt brat and Seungmin is not down for it lol

Word Count: 3k+

Summary - Seungmin is the best wizard in town. Poisoned by a pixie? Battered by a troll? Bitten by a were? Whatever the magical injury, Seungmin can fix it in the bat of an eyelid. So when y/n is cursed by a witch and needs his help, she expects to leave his lair curseless only a few minutes later. But her plan… doesn’t quite go to plan.

Warnings: y/n is a total judgemental bitch lmao and Seungmin wants to teach her a lesson, brief mention of blood and vomit, I think that’s it but please let me know if I missed else!

a/n: and here is the seventh instalment of my SKZ Scarefest! I really hope you guys enjoy this, and thank you @silverlightprincess for being the best (she didn’t proofread this either but she’s about to read it after I post it and check for mistakes which I will go back and edit lmao). please be sure to check out the previous parts and keep an eye out for the next parts too x

taglist: @kodzu-ken @cloudsgathering @silverlightprincess

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‘Hi, how can I help?’ the receptionist says, looking up from her computer to give me a friendly smile. ‘Hi, I’ve got an appointment with Dr Kim at 1.30,’ I say, and she blinks at me in surprise before looking at her computer, clicking away. ‘Ah, y/n y/l/n, is it? You booked yesterday?’ ‘Yes, that’s me.’ ‘You’re lucky to get an appointment with Dr Kim so late. And during his lunch break, too! Do you know him?’ she asks, and I hesitate before replying, ‘I used to. We… went to school together.’ ‘Oh, that’s nice! Well, take a seat and I’ll let him know you’re here,’ she says cheerily, and I give her a weak smile before turning to take a seat.

The District 9 Doctors’ Surgery is unlike any Doctors’ Surgery I’ve ever seen before; the reception is relatively normal, with its cold lighting, linoleum flooring and hard backed chairs, but the patients are quite… abnormal. A man is sat two seats away from me, his body covered in hair and long sharp claws protruding from his fingers – I hear him telling the fairy beside him, whose wings are wilted and colourless, that he hasn’t been able to fully turn into his wolf form or his human form for weeks. Opposite them, a vampire sits with a bucket in his lap, vomiting blood into it every few moments, and the centaur stood beside his seat with his tail wrapped in a bloody bandage rubs his back soothingly. I think I’m the only human in here.

Normally, I’d have driven out to the Doctors’ Surgery in the next district – everyone knows that The District 9 Doctors’ Surgery caters specifically to magical injuries – but I somehow don’t think my problem can be solved by a human doctor. When I phoned the surgery yesterday, I asked for the next possible appointment. I was told by the receptionist that that wouldn’t be until mid-November, which never would’ve worked. So I did what I swore I wouldn’t do, and asked the receptionist to ask Dr Kim if he had any availability for y/n y/l/n. The receptionist sounded sceptical, but he put me on hold anyway, and came back to tell me that Dr Kim said he could just about fit me in.

‘Miss y/l/n? Dr Kim is ready to see you in Room 13,’ the receptionist calls out, and I rise from my chair, passing the vomiting vampire with a wince. I head down the clinical corridor, white bar lights flickering overhead, and when I reach Room 13, I take a deep breath and raise my hand to the door. I knock once, twice, and then wait to be told to come in. I hear nothing. I roll my eyes, knocking again a few moments later, and then I hear him call out, ‘Come in!’

I turn the handle, tentatively opening the door and slipping into the room. Whilst the reception may have looked like any old Doctors’ Surgery, Room 13 certainly does not. The walls are black and purple, flickering yellow lamps casting an eerie glow and providing the brightness that the room needs due to having no windows. The floor is an ugly brown and red patterned carpet, the kind you find in a decades old manor house, and wooden shelves and chests of drawers are dotted around the room, covered with various suspicious looking bottles and jars. Old tapestries hang on the walls, and mismatched armchairs and beanbags sit around the rickety table in the middle of the room – I suppose it’s more of a kitchen island type thing than a table – which has a crystal ball, magic wands and various mystical objects sitting atop it. The only things in the room that don’t look otherworldly or ancient are the laptop on the table, and the man stood in front of it, typing away.

He doesn’t look up when I walk in, so I just shut the door behind me, throwing myself down onto the comfiest looking armchair, practically sinking into it. I busy myself with filing my freshly done nails – I love my nail lady, but she can somehow never get them all even – whilst I wait for him to be done. ‘I just cleaned the room and you’re getting nail filings everywhere,’ he says after a few minutes, and I roll my eyes at him. ‘Are you sure you cleaned it? It looks a state,’ I say dryly, and he lets out a little laugh as I pull a flask out of my bag. I get up from my seat and hand him the flask, ignoring his raised eyebrow. ‘Wait, is this-’ ‘Iced americano. The way you like it,’ I say, and he grins, taking it from me with badly hidden excitement. ‘Look at you. Sweetening me up,’ he observes amusedly, and I roll my eyes again. ‘I was making it for myself but now I feel a little sick, so you can have it,’ I lie, and he just gives me a suspicious side-eye before sipping from the flask and letting out a blissful sigh.

‘What are you doing here?’ he asks after a few seconds, and I sigh, dragging one of the higher chairs over to the table and sitting on it, not wanting to be a few feet shorter than him in the armchair. ‘I need your help with something,’ I say, and he looks surprised. ‘Wait, you’re actually here to be treated?’ ‘Um… yes. Why else would I be here?’ I ask confusedly, and he hesitates. ‘Thought you might be here to… see me,’ he says quietly, and I feel a little awkward. ‘I… Seungmin, you have to understand w-’ ‘I understand, y/n, I completely understand, and I don’t blame you. It’s just that I’ve… missed you. And I don’t mean I’ve missed our relationship. I’ve missed you in my life. You don’t even show up to family events anymore, and my mum keeps asking why she hasn’t seen you. I don’t have the heart to tell her what happened,’ he murmurs, my heart twisting with guilt. I’m not quite sure what to say, desperately wracking my brains, but there isn’t anything to say, so we’re both silent.

Seungmin and I grew up living in houses opposite each other. Our parents were best friends, so we were best friends. We remained that way through nursery, all of school, and into our adult lives too. I was quite proud of having a wizard best friend who could solve nearly any problem I ever had. He made sure I never failed any tests, hurt myself, got into trouble, and he fixed anything I ever broke, found everything I ever lost, made sure nothing bad ever happened to me. And then we did the worst thing we could’ve done, and we fell in love with each other. Two years later, I had aged two years, and Seungmin had not – wizards are immortal, and so he stopped aging from the age of 18. 22-year-old me was dating 18-year-old Seungmin. It doesn’t seem like much of an issue, but I started thinking about the future. What about when I turned 30, and Seungmin still hadn’t aged a day into adulthood? When we’d had a child together, and he looked more like the kid’s sibling than the father?

‘Anyway… what’s wrong? Why’d you need my help?’ he asks, and I sigh deeply. ‘Basically… I was at the club with Chaeryeong the other night, and we were in the toilets, and I was putting on lipgloss. This girl next to me asked if she could use it, and I was like, ‘um, no’, because who shares lipgloss with a stranger in a club, and she got angry and started saying, ‘you think you’re so gorgeous, and you think you’re better than me,’ and basically went off on one, so I may have retaliated slightly, and turns out she was a witch, so she put a curse on me,’ I explain all in one breath, and Seungmin raises a sceptical eyebrow. ‘You wanna tell me what really happened?’ he asks, and I blink once, twice, before sighing.

‘She asked to borrow my lipgloss and I was kinda drunk and I may have been a bit of a bitch and told her she needed more than just lipgloss to fix her face,’ I admit ashamedly, and Seungmin’s mouth falls open. ‘y/n!’ ‘What? It’s not like I lied! Her makeup was terrible! It was the completely wrong colour for her skin, she hadn’t blended it, her eyelashes weren’t the right shape for her eyes and she hadn’t glued them on properly so they were hanging off, her eyeshadow clashed with her lipstick, it was all terrible! I wasn’t about to let her put my expensive ass lipgloss on top of that god-awful lipstick. So I tried to give her some girl-to-girl advice, but I was drunk so it came out the wrong way!’ I say defensively, Seungmin shaking his head at me in disbelief.

‘Did you tell her all those things? ‘…I may have, yes.’ ‘You’re such a bitch, y/n. Maybe she did her makeup like that on purpose. Maybe no one’s ever taught her how to do makeup. You didn’t need to come for her like that. God,’ he says, voice laced with shock and disappointment, and I feel like a little kid being told off by their teacher. ‘I apologised when she started crying b-’ ‘You made her cry?’ he demands, voice going up a few octaves, and I pout. ‘I didn’t mean to! I apologised, but she was already angry, so she cursed me,’ I say in a small voice, Seungmin’s unimpressed gaze making me feel quite ashamed. Not that I didn’t already! He’s just making me feel worse.

‘What was the curse she put on you?’ he asks, and I let out an angry noise just at the thought of it. ‘That I’ll age to look quadruple how old I actually am,’ I spit, and his eyebrows furrow in confusion. ‘I’ve never heard that before. She probably just said it to scare you.’ ‘That’s what I thought. Until this happened,’ I say, turning my head away and lifting up my hair to reveal the base of my neck. I hear him suck in a breath, knowing he’s seeing the lock of hair at the back of my head, the one that’s now a powdery grey colour, wiry and ratty amongst the perfectly healthy hair that I put so much effort into looking after.

‘My body’s getting achy and I’ve got all these pains everywhere that I didn’t have a couple days ago. So I think the curse is real, Seungmin,’ I say seriously, and he nods, looking thoughtful. ‘So you want me to lift the curse off you?’ he asks, and I nod, giving him my best wide innocent eyes. ‘Can you do it?’ I ask, and he’s silent for a moment before replying, ‘I can. But I won’t.’ My heart drops, my mouth falling open slightly, and I blink at him a few times before I say, ‘what do you mean, you won’t?’ ‘I won’t lift the curse off you. You were rude and bitchy to that girl and not once have you shown me that you feel guilty about it. Instead, you’re sat here defending yourself and complaining about her like a little brat, so I think this should teach you a lesson,’ he says simply, and I stare at him in shock.

‘You’re joking, right? I demand, anger flaring through me at the way his eyes sparkle with mirth. ‘No, I’m being serious, actually. You judged that girl based on how she looked – I’m sure if she was conventionally pretty, with flawless makeup, you’d have lent her your lipgloss without a second thought, and probably becomes best friends with her too. That girl might have been the nicest person you’d ever come across. But you wouldn’t know, because you were mean to her. Now, the shoe will be on the other foot. You’ve coasted through life getting what you want because you’re pretty, and now that you’ll look all wrinkly and saggy, we’ll see how you like being on the receiving end of people’s judgement,’ he says cheerfully, my mouth falling open more and more as he speaks.

‘Seungmin, I’m sorry for being a bitch. I really am, and I do regret it. But surely that slightly bitchy behaviour doesn’t warrant this. Me looking like an ancient pensioner! I’ve learnt my lesson. Please don’t do this,’ I say desperately, starting to actually worry that he might not lift the curse. ‘Hmm, I don’t know if you have learnt your lesson, y/n. It’s not like I can take your word for it, because if I didn’t know you any better, you’d have gotten away with telling me a twisted version of what really happened. You’re a compulsive liar. So, I apologise, but I won’t be lifting the curse,’ he says seriously, but his lips are quirked up at the corners, making me realise he’s actually amused by this situation.

‘Seungmin, this isn’t a joke! You cannot let this happen to me!’ I shriek, panic making my hands shake, and he raises an eyebrow at me. ‘Shouting won’t make me change my mind,’ he says dryly, the two of us staring at each other, very different emotions in our gazes, and he sighs a few moments later. ‘How about this? When you show a true act of selflessness and generosity without any kind of judgement, the curse will break,’ he says, taking my hands into his as he speaks, and when I register his words, I snatch them away angrily. ‘No! I don’t want any stupid conditions or things I have to do! Just take the fucking curse off me, Min!’ I scream, fury making my voice waver, and he just laughs.

‘You took your hands away too late – it’s done now. This will teach you your lesson,’ he grins, and I want to literally throw myself across the table and teach him a lesson instead. ‘Seungie, please,’ I pout, stooping lower than I ever thought I would, and he hesitates for a moment before shaking his head, crossing his arms over his chest. ‘No, y/n. It’s done. Try not to judge someone based on their appearance for once, and you’ll be rewarded for it,’ he says mildly, and I just stare at him in disbelief for a few moments. ‘Are you doing this because I dumped you?’ I ask, unable to believe he simply wants to teach me a lesson, and he bursts out into laughter. ‘Flattering yourself a little there, aren’t you? No, y/n, that’s not why. Stop trying to find reasons to play this down. There are no other factors for this punishment other than your nasty behaviour.’ ‘Punishment? What are you, my dad? You don’t get to punish me!’ ‘I know you better than your dad does, better than anyone else does, and I know you’re better than this. I’m trying to help you.’ ‘You’ve got a funny way of showing it!’ I exclaim, silence falling between us.

‘If that’s all, y/n-’ ‘If that’s all? If that’s all?’ ‘Yes. If that’s all, you can leave. I only have ten minutes left of my lunch break, and then I’ve got another appointment. So you can go,’ he says with a small grin, effectively dismissing me like a parent sends a child to their room, and I let out an angry huff. ‘I can’t believe this. Some shitty doctor you are,’ I say childishly, bitter about this lesson he’s trying to teach me, and he just rolls his eyes amusedly. ‘My thousands of satisfied patients say otherwise. But that’s okay – you can’t please everyone. Especially not judgemental little brats,’ he grins, and I let out a shrill noise of rage, pushing myself up off the seat and grabbing my bag from the armchair.

‘And I’ll take this!’ I exclaim pettily, snatching the half-empty flask from the table, and he just laughs at me, making me feel even more murderous than I already do. ‘You’ll thank me eventually, y/n,’ he says gently, and I let out another angry huff. ‘I doubt it,’ I hiss, stomping towards the door and, just as I think I can’t be any more immature, I kick the shelves nearest me, watching as it wobbles and falls over to the side before stopping mid-air. ‘Really? How childish of you,’ Seungmin says amusedly, one hand outstretched in the direction of the shelves, his magic holding them up, and I let out an angry scream, sounding a lot like Regina George when she was putting herself in the Burn Book to get back at Cady. Is this really what I’ve become? How embarrassing,

‘I’ll see you at Jackson’s for Halloween,’ he calls out behind me as I reach the door. ‘I wouldn’t count on it,’ I hiss venomously, ‘my brittle bones may have already given way by then. God knows if I’ll even be able to walk, thanks to you!’ ‘No, y/n, you only have yourself to blame for this,’ he says, as he shakes his head with a sad smile. ‘Oh, cut out all the philosophical teaching-moment shit,’ I spit, wrenching open the door. As I do so, one of my nails flies off my finger. Not just the fake nail my technician put on this morning. The entire nail.

I hold back a gag, hearing Seungmin stifling laughter behind me, and I look away from it, feeling quite sick. My eyes meet Seungmin’s, and he must take pity on me when he sees how they’re full of angry and helpless tears, and he waves a hand in my direction. When I look down at my hand again, the nail is back in place, good as new. I look back at him in surprise, and he looks a little embarrassed. ‘No more of your nails will fall out. But I’m not fixing anything else for you. Now go, before your stupid pretty face convinces me to lift the curse,’ he says, and I feel a little hope spark in my chest. ‘Seungie, p-’ ‘Nuh-uh. Get outta here. Now.’ ‘But S-‘ ‘y/n, I will call security!’

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noodlesunraveled · 3 years

Text

Must we run through this course again

Okay, this is where I am right now:

You see, I don't know what you call it but little things trigger me in a bad way. I like certain things to work specifically how I want them. I like surprises but not really?

For example, there was this one time when I was still living in Manila I was on my way home. I was really looking forward to eating Oreos with coffee- if you haven't tried it then you should, the mixture of bitter and sweet is amazing but back to my story. I got home and the oreos was gone, I don't know what I was expecting but of course they were gone. I have 4 family members living in the house it'd be highly unlikely for none of them to eat it.

I was so disappointed that I cried. It wasn't loud crying it was one of those silent annoyed I'm so gonna kill myself crying.

I really wanted those Oreos.

So coming back to the present. Where it's online classes and I'm aware of how I'm gonna fail my class but I still don't want to look at my grades because that would make it feel all so real. Too real.

Let me tell you why, and no it's not because I don't want to fail- it's because I can't fail. I don't have the luxury anymore of failing my classes. I am in my 6th year of Architecture school, and it is not going well. If I fail, I'd have to extend and exceed my maximum residency and I'd be kicked out. Second, I got a tutor. I got a tutor and I still managed to fail my exams and assignments and seatworks. My mom paid for him and just imagine the disappointment, I am so ashamed.

Third, I learned. I really did. And I studied too. But... I was just too far behind in the basics that It was hard learning the present teachings. But I did learn, I know I did. Which sucks because our professor makes me feel like I didn't. That I'm stupid. I'm not stupid.

Whatever I say doesn't matter. Results are concrete, but whatever fail or pass you always learn something. So back to my shit, I know that there's a HIGH I mean almost perfect chance I am gonna fail. And for the past week I've been trying to make peace with that.

BUT, sir kept messaging us about updates of our grades. And making us compute so we know our ave. . SIR I know it's low please don't push it. Please stop messaging. It doesn't do well for my anxiety. It sucks and I keep getting reminded of my failures.

I don't want to fail. I don't like failing.

FML.

Actually... I haven't told anyone but, I'm planning to kill myself once the grades are out... Don't want to tell anyone because I don't want them to think I'm overreacting or dramatic.

I've gotten my things in order, I cleaned my room, I'm playing the games I want to finish before ----- , I made the suicide letters for my friends but it's still incomplete though.

One thing that is stopping me is my dad, he's gonna think it's his fault and it's not. It's really not. My dad's awkward and he shows his love by buying us so many food and surprising us with stuff we don't really need even though we don't have a lot of money.

It's the food really, I can tell that he's been feeding us a lot because... well... food makes people happy haha.

I've gotta admit I don't want to die because there's so many food I haven't tasted yet.

I plan leaving a letter to my parents so they know it's not their fault.

I don't want anyone to blame themselves.

I still don't know how I'm gonna die. I mean I know what style but I don't know how to make it. The suicide pill ya know? I've got to research more about it. Anyways....

it is what it is.

#june62021 #journalentry

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ficswithluv · 4 years

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Tatsu’s Choices: 2019 Awards

Ficswithluv launched in September of 2019, and we could not have possibly imagined that we would grow as quickly and wonderfully as we have!! You all send us such phenomenal recs every week, you've helped to spread love, positivity, and feedback to so many authors on this site, and we cannot wait to see how that continues in 2020!!!

Because you've all been so absolutely wonderful about sending in your favourite fics and telling us a bit about why you liked them, we thought we would continue the trend! Additionally, in order to celebrate our lovely affiliated authors, we’ve also decided to pick one fic from each of them to showcase their talents too!

And so we present ‘The Best of FWL’, where Tatsumaki* selects a handful of fics from each masterlist we've had so far, as well as from masterlists from every author associated with ficswithluv, and we highlight them in one large masterpost!

*Tatsumaki is the Discord Bot that the Admins use to choose bookclub fics. She randomly generates the fics using numbers. Hence: Tatsu’s Choices!

💌 ⇥ Affiliated Author

Best Seokjin Fics

⟶ all i want for christmas ➵ @sunkoos 💌

↳ Slice of Life AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Seokjin, your ever eccentric love of your life, proposes an unconventional idea you cannot deny taking him up on. »

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⟶ blood and mercy ➵ @sugasgrowl

↳ Mafia AU ღ sfw series

« There is a rat in Bangtan, but you’re going to fight for mercy. »

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⟶ bobsy die ➵ @jincherie

↳ Werewolf AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Fed up after a week of being ignored by your friend and crush, you march on over there to rip him a new one with hell on your heels and find yourself in a situation with more than you bargained for. »

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⟶ date night ➵ @bang-tan-fan 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ sfw oneshot

« you and your husband relax with a date night. »

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⟶ erasers ➵ @bloodpotato 💌

↳ Soulmate AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You never thought to contact your soulmate through the erasers you always lose until you lose something extremely important and irreplaceable. »

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⟶ ghost night out ➵ @spookitokki 💌

↳ Supernatural AU ღ sfw oneshot

« After bearing the sting of a rough rejection, you call Jin to come to the usual hangout in the middle of the night in hopes that he can cheer you up. It seems to work until you both are met with a dark presence and an unusual chill. »

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⟶ i thought i was alone ➵ @aroseforyoongi

↳ Roommate AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« On the day your boyfriend cheats on you, Seokjin is there to provide comfort and some greatly needed affection. He is the perfect roommate and friend. Always patient and willing to lend an ear. It is then, when you’re with him, that you realize that maybe you want more. »

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⟶ just say goodnight and go ➵ @vanaera

↳ Roommate AU ღ sfw oneshot

« The spirit of Christmas is yet to be felt as a blackout on a chilly December night becomes the icing on the cake of your horribly shitty day. You just really want to sleep tonight but your neighbor seems to have lost his mind again when he comes knocking on your door to demand for an uncalled sleepover. Said neighbor is Kim Seokjin, the famed crush of the university, and no, he’s not your friend. He’s most definitely not your crush and he’s absolutely not the reason why warmth fills your entire being when it’s not even summer. »

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⟶ not enough ➵ @jingabitch 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ nsfw series

« When Jin cheats on his girlfriend while on tour, it’s the last straw for their already strained relationship. »

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⟶ off script ➵ @baojinnie

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You’re my best friend, please don’t forget about me.The script says, you hug him, and promise him never, and assure him that he will always be part of your life, will he be a groomsman, or something?But then before you can do that, he stops laughing. He looks you in the eyes, closes the distance between you, and you have never seen him look so serious. Warms arms tighten around your waist and his lips brush the tears off your face before you realize they ever even fell. »

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⟶ olive me (loves olive you) ➵ @joopiterjoon 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw series

« A series of drabbles about you and your boyfriend, Kim Seokjin »

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⟶ peach parfait ➵ @jamaisjoons

↳ Enemies to Lovers AU ღ nsfw twoshot

« you and seokjin have always been at odds as the top two chefs at big hit academy of culinary arts. »

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⟶ pink panther ➵ @gimmesumsuga

↳ Hybrid AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« The one where your boss, Kim Seokjin, tries to show you how beautiful you are. »

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⟶ sempiternal ➵ @softlyjiminie 💌

↳ Hogwarts AU ღ sfw oneshot

« seokjin helps you get over your ex.»

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⟶ strawberry roses ➵ @peekaboongi 💌

↳ Cupid AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« When a chaotic man who claims to be a Cupid appears, your dull life is suddenly filled with laughter and strawberry roses. You’re just forgetting one important thing—magic never lasts past midnight. ; or, chaotic but domestic Jin trying to teach you how to make strawberries resemble roses »

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⟶ strings ➵ @holyfluffly 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You audition to be a BigHit backup dancer. .»

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⟶ the bough that broke ➵ @readbeneaththelines 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ nsfw series

« Jin is injured from an avoidable accident, leaving him partially paralyzed from the waist down. Reader is the nurse that is hired to take care of him once he gets back to the dorms and begins the physically and emotionally painful road to recovery. Will she have what it takes to spark determination in him to get back on the stage? »

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⟶ waterboy ➵ @dimpled-gukkie 💌

↳ Roommates AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Craigslist is very hit or miss for you, so maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to find a roommate that way. At least he’s cute though. »

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Best Yoongi Fics

⟶ all the room in the world ➵ @inkofyoongi 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ sfw twoshot

« After four years, you go back to Daegu for Taehyung’s wedding. However, things aren’t as you left them… and Min Yoongi either. »

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⟶ baby’s first christmas ➵ @hobisgorgeousass 💌

↳ Parents AU ღ sfw oneshot

« 3 months after you give birth to your first child, you and your husband start putting together the perfect first Christmas for your new family of three. »

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⟶ black magic ➵ @preternatural-fools

↳ Witch AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Yoongi is a witch who always has the sniffles because he’s allergic to the herbs/plants he’s surrounded by. »

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⟶ boseong breakfast ➵ @honeymoonjin 💌

↳ Strangers to Lovers AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« it may be misfortune that brings you to min yoongi’s door looking for a place to stay, but luckily holly lodge has a vacancy. »

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⟶ catharsis ➵ @dovechim

↳ Roommate AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Where do you draw the line between fantasy and reality? Yoongi knows he has a kink that isn’t socially acceptable as kinks go. He’s already had several failed relationships in the past tucked under his belt as a result, so when you offer him a chance to live out his fantasy in a guiltless, no strings attached kinda way, what could go wrong? »

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⟶ fear and dumplings ➵ @softyoongiionly 💌

↳ College AU ღ nsfw series

« You’re in your final semester at University when your Abnormal Psychology professor assigns you a partnered project surrounding your greatest fears.Lucky for you, your partner just so happens to be a cute boy named Min Yoongi. »

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⟶ friend request ➵ @spoopysoph 💌

↳ College AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You get a friend request from someone you don’t know. »

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⟶ iron world ➵ @gimmeyoon 💌

↳ Cyberpunk AU ღ nsfw series

« Welcome to Iron World, the latest virtual reality online game. Choose your class, join a guild, and explore the depths of this planet. As one of the first 20,000 people to explore this brave frontier, how you enjoy this immersive experience is up to you. There is so much to do and see, you’ll never want to leave. »

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⟶ maybe i’m a little dangerous ➵ @hollyhomburg

↳ Mafia/Soulmate AU ღ sfw series

« Rare soulmate marks don’t guarantee that you find your soulmate easily, and when your soulmate is the head of a mafia, being together will never be easy either… »

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⟶ pure instinct ➵ @maptoyoongi 💌

↳ Hybrid AU ღ sfw series

« The instinct to protect someone we love is a powerful force. When Yoongi is given the chance to protect you, how far will he go? »

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⟶ silly kitty ➵ @badbhye 💌

↳ Hybrid AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You and Yoongi visit your grandmother, and you have a realization. »

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⟶ sugar, yes please ➵ @btsfiles

↳ Sugar Daddy AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You’re a college student with an aspiration for journalism, but the traumatic experience of being broke and lonely gives you an opportunity to try out something new: become a Sugar Baby. »

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⟶ support ➵ @saikokirakira

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a »

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⟶ the touch of silk ➵ @floralseokjin

↳ Supernatural AU ღ nsfw series

« In a world where vampires coexist with the living, there are many humans looking for a cheap thrill…you’re ashamed to admit you’re curious too, putting to good use a dating app you find…but Min Yoongi is nothing like you imagined a vampire to be… »

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⟶ the way to your heart ➵ @joonary 💌

↳ Office AU ღ sfw oneshot

« when your office christmas party’s secret santa gives you absolutely no context on what kind of gift he wants, you have no choice but to get to know him better. »

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⟶ true disaster ➵ @rmddaeng 💌

↳ Supernatural AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You’re a simple angel, the lowest of the Three Seraphic Spheres. On a hot, muggy day when you’ve nothing to do, a demon stumbles upon you. But who is he? And perhaps more importantly, what does he want? »

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⟶ wrapped ➵ @btsunniemoonie 💌

↳ Boyfriend AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« In which your world crushes because you didn’t pay too much attention in biology class »

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Yoonji

⟶ calming seas ➵ @barbyisafangirl 💌

↳ Pirate AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« the sea is rough and wild most of the time but eventually, it has to calm down. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

Best Hoseok Fics

⟶ babysitters ➵ @httphopewrld 💌

↳ Boyfriend AU ღ sfw oneshot

« It’s your first time babysitting your sister’s son, Ryan. Not only are you nervous because you’ve never done it before, but because of your boyfriend decides to tag along. Surprisingly, your nephew and boyfriend get along well. »

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⟶ bloom ➵ @guksheart 💌

↳ Soulmate AU ღ sfw oneshot

« your soulmate’s first words to you will be burned into the skin of your wrist upon first meeting them. no one anticipated that yours would turn out to be a world famous rapper by the name of jung hoseok. »

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⟶ blue ➵ @littlemeowmeowschimmy 💌

↳ Husband AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You're pregnant…and the only thing that your boyfriend cares about is his job. His job…it frightens you everyday. »

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⟶ by its cover ➵ @crystaljins

↳ E2L/Supernatural AU ღ sfw series

« Your annoying little brother Jimin accepts a dare and summons a demon into your living room. There are multiple problems with this. 1) Demons are the most hated species on earth.2) That demon happens to be Jung Hoseok, the most popular guy on campus 3) The fact that Jung Hoseok is a demon is his biggest secret and 4) Jung Hoseok hates your guts. You’re in for a wild ride. »

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⟶ get wet ➵ @prolixitae 💌

↳ Dancer AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« sitting in on your boyfriend’s dance practice is probably your biggest kink. it’s also the reason you asked to be so shamelessly fucked in the locker rooms of his dance studio, in spite of the pending consequences. note: this is not an idol-verse fic »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ letters to you ➵ @jiminsmagicshop 💌

↳ Soulmate AU ღ sfw series

« When you read the first Email you felt intrigued and without any hesitation you send one back, not knowing that those emails would lead you to a new life or a soulmate. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ of hentai and gay panic ➵ @enchantedyoon

↳ College AU ღ sfw oneshot

« The story of how Namjoon and Hoseok meet and fall in love over hentai. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ peppermint ➵ @readyplayerhobi

↳ Office AU ღ sfw series

« Achieving your dream job is something that very people manage to do, which is why you’re all the more happier when you land a job on the film team at Poppin’ Culture; the biggest pop culture website, blog and YouTube channel around. What you don’t expect however, is to fall for the exceptionally shy and awkward colleague who is not even remotely your type. Or is he? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ perfidy ➵ @yminie

↳ Halloween AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Why do so many people in scary movies die? They trust the wrong people. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ ramen & company ➵ @sweetheartjeongguk 💌

↳ Ponyo AU ღ sfw oneshot

« in which hoseok has a plan of revenge, but it doesn’t work out in the way he hoped it would. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ say no to this ➵ @hobibliophile

↳ Best Friend AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« It’s been a while since you and Hoseok have spent time with each other, but he hasn’t forgotten how hard it is to say no to you. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ sweetest crush ➵ @minjoonalist 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« What would you do if your friend’s younger sibling suddenly asks you for sex? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ synchronized ➵ @bangtans-salty-sac-snacc 💌

↳ Soulmate AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Everyone is born with a timer on their wrist, counting down to the moment they learn who their soulmate is. Your timer is a few seconds behind Hoseok’s, the love of your life. And it’s those few seconds that keep you from ever being with him. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ the keeper of the light and keeper of the night ➵ @spicykoreantatertots 💌

↳ Fantasy AU ღ sfw drabble

« yoongi is the keeper of the night. hoseok is the keeper of the light. sometimes they meet. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ the most wonderful time of the year ➵ @lamourche

↳ E2L/Office AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ you’re my light ➵ @bts-poetry 💌

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« A call from your best friend inviting you to the yearly Diwali celebration has you and your boyfriend really excited but what would happen when you stumble across your troublesome ex on such a good day? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

Best Namjoon Fics

⟶ baby, please! ➵ @jungkook-me-down 💌

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You can’t seem to help yourself these days. Lately you’ve been getting more and more into children. When your cousin asks you to babysit her daughter Hae, you never imagined the situation you’d be thrown into and the outcome of her visit. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ be my palentine ➵ @bangtanstanst 💌

↳ College AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Being single on Valentine’s Day isn’t so bad, as long as you have an equally single friend to spend your night with. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ details in the fabric ➵ @jinitude 💌

↳ Widow AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Missing someone means noticing the little things, and those little things tend to hurt the worst »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ foreign heart ➵ @dejun-ge

↳ Idol AU ღ sfw series

« Namjoon was an ordinary person - as ordinary as you could get for an idol. But there was silly foreign girl who made him feel normal, like he wasn’t stuck behind a wall. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ home ➵ @hobidreams 💌

↳ Married AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Turns out, Namjoon can’t keep his hands off his wife after all. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ late nights ➵ @taeintedlove 💌

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ love bytes ➵ @stutterfly 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw series

« It’s been a year since you first met Kim Namjoon, the passionate, talented English professor at the local campus. He’s always been clumsy and aloof, but he’s on a whole new level in terms of “technologically incapable.” One call to IT was all it took to pull you into his life, and with it a whole string of friendships full of flirtatious banter and undying support.

Your dating situation has been drier than the Sahara for years now, and you’ve wasted too many lonely nights drinking alone, so you try your hand at Tinder. But you’re not getting any bites. When the group finds out, they are more than willing to help–even Namjoon, though he finds it increasingly difficult to deny that he’s hopelessly smitten. You consider their opinions on potential Tinder dates while fighting off feelings you never knew were brewing for the caring soul who becomes the home you never had. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ more than words ➵ @ironicarmy 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You and Namjoon have been painfully -and blindingly- pining for each other since your teenage years, much to your friends’ chagrin. So, unbeknownst to both of you, Seokjin and the rest plan to finally make you confess during a ski trip. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ obligated ➵ @underthejoon

↳ Arranged Marriage AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Married by obligation, weighed down by circumstance. Except for those nights when you’re both drunk, falling into bed with one another and realizing you’re human. Occasionally this happens, occasionally you fuck. Until your life changes and you realize Namjoon, the very man you’re obligated to, might just be the very man that you crave. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ oh, death ➵ @loveejoon 💌

↳ Death AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« There’s no leniency with Death. you die when your time comes, without remorse. But why does Death look at you, and suddenly things change? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ the rich man’s crochet club ➵ @kpopfanfictrash

↳ College AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« When they were freshmen in college, Namjoon began a club with his six closest friends. The one thing they all had in common? V i r g i n s as fuck. Obviously, they couldn’t call the club the Virgins Club though and so, the Rich Man’s Crochet Club was born. Until time passes and Namjoon is the only one left. Now, the Club has one, final mission: to get Namjoon laid. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ the transfiguration tutor ➵ @purpletigertaetae 💌

↳ Hogwarts AU ღ sfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ time management ➵ @feralbangtan 💌

↳ Married AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« “No, no, no. I know where this is gonna lead. We do not have the time for sex. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ try me ➵ @jjkfire

↳ College AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You wanted nothing more than to leave behind your old self when you graduated from high school and moved on to college to play rugby but when you see your high school classmate, resident fuckboy and captain, Kim Namjoon, at the rugby department orientation, you feel like everything might fall apart. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

Best Jimin Fics

⟶ busan mental asylum ➵ @lovehrs 💌

↳ Doctor AU ღ sfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ but this isn’t love ➵ @daze-six 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ sfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ don’t move ➵ @jeonsweetpea 💌

↳ Idol/Stylist AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« You had a solo debut coming up and it was nerve wracking. What’s even worse is that the stylist in charge of your photoshoot was none other than Park Jimin. What’s wrong with Jimin? Oh. Nothing. He just hates you. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ fairytail ➵ @gukyi

↳ Fantasy AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You have a particular disdain for the beach. Jimin is here to change that. Oh! And he’s also a merman. So there’s that, too. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ fan-cam ➵ @cottonhxney 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Y/N watches how Jimin reacts, as recorded by fans, and can’t figure out how to feel about it. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ mon cœur t’appartient ➵ @jiminspjm 💌

↳ Werewolf AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Just let me love, you »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ peaches and piercings ➵ @matchakoo 💌

↳ E2L/College AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Jimin, dipped in hair-dye and pierced in so many places that you just couldn’t keep track, doesn’t think you’re his “type”. You call bullshit. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ ring lover ➵ @flowerwrites06 💌

↳ Boxer/Ballerina AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Jimin could fight every battle in his life until he started courting a delicate ballerina who can’t stand violence. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ spellbound ➵ @minflix

↳ E2L/Witch AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« The only reason you agreed to do this magical ritual with Park Jimin’s Circle was for the sake of your own Circle - to strengthen your individual magic. Yes, that means you’ll have to fuck him, but no, you weren’t happy about it because you hate Park Jimin. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ syndicate ➵ @jungkookiebus 💌

↳ Mafia AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ the other half ➵ @silverlightqueen 💌

↳ Badboy AU ღ nsfw series

« In Winchester, y/n has it all. Gorgeous and glamorous. A friendship group just as gorgeous and glamorous. Fantastic grades. A handsome boyfriend with a family just as successful as hers. A doting dad and a brother just as beautiful as she is. An amazing school, and an even more amazing house. As many cars and clothes and bags and shoes, and as much makeup and money she could ever ask for. But when Winchester Academy puts on an exchange programme with Burnley Tech School, a high school in an underprivileged area, two completely different worlds collide, and y/n has her hands full, practically overflowing, dealing with her exchange partner, bad boy Jimin with a whole lot of baggage… »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ the rules of heaven ➵ @seokoloqy 💌

↳ Angel AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Jimin is in love and Heaven doesn’t allow for it. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ what do you desire? ➵ @prisczero 💌

↳ Devil/CEO AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ what you deserve ➵ @jiminniethemarshmallow

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

Best Taehyung Fics

⟶ across cyber space ➵ @goldenjulychild 💌

↳ Camgirl AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« It’s normal to have lots of admirers in your line of work, but the user strawberrylover312 is not simply one of them. As your relationship builds so does your doubt about him being too perfect to be true. After all, it’s impossible to find true love across cyber space, right? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ black irises in the sunshine ➵ @ddaenggtan 💌

↳ Greek God AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« anger is everything. other gods tease you for the short fuse, but it comes with the territory. people have called you stupid, have called you dumb, oafish, useless, incompetent, insolent, rude, arrogant. all of it. insults and mockery flung at you, but even your skin isn’t thick enough to deal with constant abuse. it’s the exact reason you keep going to the underground, knuckles bloody and bruised, fighting anyone that dared enter the cage. it’s the reason you go to the clubs, surround yourself with mortals and their writhing bodies. it’s there that you see him the first time, voice husky as it rolls through the room. it’s there you find someone who treats you differently than the rest. you just never expected him to be one of the muses. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ carnal cupidity ➵ @kittae

↳ Werewolf AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Things are a little tense in your relationship with your boyfriend, an alpha wolf and leader of his own pack. After another fight, you’ve had just about enough and decide to take matters into your own hands when his heat approaches. Your methods, however, prove to be more effective than intended… »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ catching a case of the doctor blues ➵ @justimajin

↳ Enemies to Lovers AU ღ sfw series

« When asked about Dr. Kim, a string of beautifully aligned words are ready spew from your lips. You could possibly go on and on about how his wonderful stubbornness wasn’t similar to talking to a brick wall, or how his observation skills were especially great in preparing your blood vessels for a drastic rupture or even how one gracious stare of his nearly had you on the verge of ripping your essential documents in half. But it seems that, perhaps, there was a lot more to Dr. Kim then what meets the eye… »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ cheap skate ➵ @taehyungforreal 💌

↳ Domestic AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Granny Park’s Gossip: Who doesn’t know Taehyung and his lady? Cutest couple in town, I’d say, and have been since they started dating in their college days. Oh, that was a while ago, though. And still, they’re happy as can be in that place they have together. Almost hate seeing one without the other, y’know, it’s like seeing just one testi- oh, right, I’m not supposed to talk like that. Anyhoo, I only say that because I saw Taehyung at a jewelry store the other day while I was buying my sweet Jiminie his presents. Maybe that boy’s finally gonna pop the question, but I do hope he’s got a good plan for it. Something sweet and romantic. Maybe I’ll find out after Jiminie gets back from that cabin he’s visiting. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ christmas cookies ➵ @mistysuga 💌

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You are in charge of making the cookies for your family’s Christmas party, so you and Taehyung have a blast while doing so. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ don’t blame me ➵ @diortae 💌

↳ Cheating AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Kim Taehyung has always been there to soothe the sting of your failing relationship. But matters of the heart are never that simple. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ every word ➵ @jessikahathaway 💌

↳ Friends to Lovers AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ fever ➵ @yoonia

↳ Werewolf AU ღ nsfw series

« I wish I could hate you. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ frisky ➵ @uwugalore 💌

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Sometimes, your fiancé was just… frisky. And boy did you enjoy it to the fullest. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ get you the moon ➵ @bymoonchild 💌

↳ E2L/College AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Life has its ways of fucking with you, but you know you’ve hit 50 feet below rock bottom after being tasked to do a profile feature on Kim Taehyung, the varsity football captain, for your school newspaper. Pure torment awaits you, but this is alongside glassy eyes, pink cheeks and conflicted feelings that you’ve never dared to imagine with the likes of the devil incarnate. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ glacier’s view ➵ @rosaetae 💌

↳ E2L/Dystopia AU ღ sfw oneshot

« Everyone knows when they were born— the date of when they enter the world. Everyone in this world not only knows their birth date, but also when they die, when they kick the bucket— the date of when they leave the world. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ not your typical flower shop story ➵ @jungtaeyoongles 💌

↳ Flower Shop/College AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You always goes to the cute boy next door’s flower shop across the street because hi yes he’s the cutest damn person you’ve ever seen, until one day a guy with tattoos and a severe obsession with the color black shows up in the shop asking for the ‘usual’ and you find out that your cute innocent little flower boy has a dirty little secret. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ sorrow ➵ @jiminsfault 💌

↳ Pianist AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« The man had you tight in his grip without knowing it, knowing you. For him, you were just a mere pair of eyes watching him, paying to listen to his work. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ suite 114 ➵ @haylokitteh 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ nsfw series

« An innocent staring contest leads to a not so innocent relationship. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

Best Jungkook Fics

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ blue raspberry ➵ @strawbxxymilk 💌

↳ College AU ღ sfw drabble

« Jungkook asks you to live life on the wild side »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ date in a box ➵ @jimlingss

↳ Dating Service AU ღ sfw oneshot

« If you’re in a hurry then we’re here to help you! Everything you need in a box. Delivery less than five minutes. Upgrade and we can personalize your date even more! Guaranteed 100%! Don’t fret, we’re here. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ dive ➵ @guktwt 💌

↳ Swimmer/Photographer AU ღ nsfw series

« This is a bad idea, you think, but there’s something so satisfying about seeing Jungkook so pliant and desperate under your touch. You’ve seen him in all his glory, a boy who’s made for the water and loved by all, but you think he looks prettiest like this; up close, pressed against your body, and under the warm summer light. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ drug wars ➵ @plumblackjeon

↳ Mafia AU ღ nsfw series

« She’s a babygirl Yoongi, and I think I’m in love with her. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ duvet days and vanilla ice cream ➵ @jhspetitegf 💌

↳ Sperm Donor AU ღ nsfw series

« Sick of waiting to fulfill your dream of becoming a mother, you stumble across an interesting site called bundlesofjoy. Here, you find not only the key to your future happiness, but further down the line, it turns out that site could have brought you more than you’d bargained for. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ enraptured and enthralled ➵ @smartkookiee 💌

↳ College AU ღ nsfw smau

« It’s your third year of college and you are finally into the spring and summer trimester. You never imagined you would be where you are now. Living the dream as a poor theater student. You get to be the big roles on stage and have hundreds maybe even thousands cheering for you. Finally being the one people looked up to in awe and want to see more of, to see succeed. It’s the dream… isn’t it? Though you adored it… something was missing from it… of course you weren’t going to quit but your passion and drive seemed to be fading. Do you really want to be an actor? Would you let your best friends down? Do you leave? These question swirled as you began to wonder if this is the right path anymore. Fortunately, who would have thought that a night of cabaret and the biggest competition of your life could change all of that? Or could… someone? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ heavy machinery ➵ @solarjeon 💌

↳ Construction Worker AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Jungkook works across the street, doing construction on a new apartment complex being put in your area. You’d rather not wake up to the beeping of heavy machinery every morning, so you decide to go over and give that brawny construction worker a piece of your mind. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ love letters ➵ @jjkwithluv 💌

↳ Poet AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You get a crush on a certain poet named Jungkook, while secret messages start appearing in your locker… you’d think that poetry and romance and mystery would go well together, think again… »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ mutual ➵ @seokjxnnie 💌

↳ Office AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Your boss was always talking about how her son would be perfect for you, promising that he was going to the staff holiday party. He turned out to be the hook up that happened a couple months ago, who you kept around for some good dick. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ picture perfect ➵ @moononthejoon 💌

↳ Historical AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« The king is dead. New portraits need to be done. But what happens when the painter is not who you expected? »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ pretty birthday boy ➵ @yoonminos 💌

↳ Established Relationship AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« It’s Jungkook’s birthday and you throw him a surprise party with the help of your friends. The thing that surprised you, though, was Jungkook buying himself a gift and asking you to use it on him. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ rebound ➵ @ropeseok

↳ Enemies to Lovers ღ nsfw oneshot

« Jungkook relieves you from an awkward time at a party - in more ways than one. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ waves of fate ➵ @ttaekimm

↳ Mamma Mia AU ღ nsfw oneshot

« Jungkook is a lifeguard who unfortunately loses his memory and got drifted by the sea ,but the waves brought him to the door of an exquisite hotel where he stays there and work with the manager until his memory come back. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ what are friends for? ➵ @dusktilldawnstuff 💌

↳ Friends AU ღ sfw oneshot

« You (kinda) explore an abandoned building with you best friend Jungkook. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

Best Poly & MxM Fics

⟶ breathless ➵ @personawife 💌

↳ Hanahaki AU ღ sfw oneshot • namkook • mxm

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ bts and their creampie kinks ➵ @jiminsoxyjeon 💌

↳ PWP ღ nsfw headcanons

« n/a. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ euphoria ➵ @kimlinebiased 💌

↳ First Time AU ღ nsfw oneshot • namkook • mxm

« Jungkook has had a crush on the leader of BTS since forever. Now that Namjoon is helping write his solo for the upcoming album, this could be his perfect chance. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ from summer to winter i’ll be yours ➵ @hungline

↳ Supernatural AU ღ sfw oneshot • jinkook • mxm

« Seokjin had learned long ago that he and Jeongguk could never really be together, but his time as summer is almost over and he’ll wait as long as he has to before winter comes to pass. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ hypnagogia ➵ @joonsrack 💌

↳ College AU ღ sfw oneshot • taekook • mxm

« ‘‘So you’re telling me a creep has been following you around the University, waiting until you fall asleep and then jumping on you to kiss you in your sleep?’’

“Well, if you put it that way…’’

‘‘Are you joking right now? Is this a joke? Why aren’t you telling this to the goddam campus security? Better yet, does Kookie know? I bet with those muscles he works so hard for he could reduce whoever it is to pulps.’’ »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ in the dark ➵ @matchakoo

↳ Halloween AU ღ nsfw oneshot • jikook • poly

« Jungkook and Jimin have a very short attention span, and when you three are lost in the middle of nowhere with a truck that won’t drive, they busy themselves with you. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ miss managed ➵ @misscheesecakeee 💌

↳ Idol AU ღ sfw series • namgi/ot7 • poly

« In a desperate attempt to debut BTS on time, BigHit hires you as their manager. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ samhain’s blessing ➵ @softjeon 💌

↳ Vampire/Witch AU ღ nsfw oneshot • taegi • mxm

« How little vampire Tae found his way to Yoongi. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

⟶ what i never knew i always wanted ➵ @rms-tulip 💌

↳ Hybrid AU ღ nsfw series • namseok • poly

« Who knew that one of the most magical yet devastating nights of your life brought someone into your life that just ended up completing the missing puzzle piece in your heart you hadn’t thought was missing until he showed you that it was. »

• ────── ღ ────── •

687 notes · View notes

sulkybbarnes · 4 years

Text

“I can’t help but think we just didn’t do right by you somehow. You won’t tell me who you are. Did we teach you shame? Did I teach you that? Cause it would break my heart if I had. Can’t you see what a good job God did here. Can’t you see how beautiful he made you?” -Big Eden (2000)

Read on AO3

Eddie sits in his car for a long time, head bowed and his hands gripping at the steering wheel. If it weren’t for the tense shoulders and the white knuckled grip he might look as if he was praying. Maybe part of him is praying. For courage, for acceptance, for a lighter heart. Between him and all of that stands an ocean of turmoil and whirling thoughts.

Eddie isn’t exactly panicking, but he might be a few breaths away from it. For him, panic isn’t quickened breaths and swimming vision. It’s rigidity and a weight that sits heavily in his stomach. It’s fire spreading through his chest and into his limps, rendering him motionless, even when his brain races at the speed of light. Part of him wants to turn back, drive home, make dinner for his son, maybe call Buck to see if he’d join them. However, since Buck is part of the problem, that course of action might not be the wisest.

Eddie sucks in a deep breath then let it out slowly. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck any more than he was afraid to acknowledge his attraction to men. In his later years of life, after having a kid and a twice failed marriage, Eddie has become a pragmatic and introspective creature. Things just are to him. He takes them, examines them with care, then places them in place when he’s done looking at them. Sure, the process isn’t quite as clean or clinical as he makes it sound, but the end result of it is the same, no matter how long he dwells on an issue.

So, yes, Eddie isn’t afraid of being attracted to men, part of him had always known that. Examined it, folded it neatly, and placed it on a shelf in his mind that he didn’t dust often. He isn’t afraid of his feelings for Buck. These are a steady, comforting thing that Eddie has grown accustomed to in the months since he first allowed himself to look at them. Something so good and true can’t be frightening, Eddie has decided a while ago and left it at that.

What does frighten Eddie however is two things, and these two things seem to be intertwined together beyond any hope of Eddie untangling the mess of them. However he looks at them, Eddie cannot separate the two. Eddie needs to talk to Buck about his feelings for him, and he needs to tell his family about how he feels.. in general. About how he loves. About the way his heart beats. It isn’t a requirement, and he knows deep in his bones that he doesn’t owe any of them a declaration of his sexuality or who he is. But. This is a conversation over a decade in the making, and Eddie who is a father, a firefighter, and a goddamn adult refuses to cower for another month or year.

And so, Eddie needs to tell Buck how he feels about him, and for him to do that, Eddie needs to tell his family that he’s bisexual. To have at least one person from his family to back him up when things inevitably go south with his parents after both revelations. Two things he needs to do, and they are tightly knotted in his mind. He could have told Buck first. Could have had whatever outcome that yielded to decide the next steps for him, but that’s not what this is about. Whether Buck takes or rejects him, Eddie needs to do this for himself.

One person, Eddie repeats like a mantra. Just one person, Diaz.

Eddie lets out a final shuddering breath, releases his death grip on the steering wheel, and makes the short walk to his abuela’s house.

He sends a silent prayer to the universe before he knocks.

----

No matter how old he is, the smell of his abuela’s house stays comforting. Eddie’s relationship with his parents was tumultuous at times as he grew up, his parents approval ebbing and flowing depending on what standards he failed to meet. They were never bad parents, but they weren’t big on comfort either. Theirs was a house of discipline throughout Eddie’s life, and so his grandmother’s house was a haven in comparison. One filled with his abuela’s warmth and her never ending quest to stuff him with comfort food.

Eddie could have gone to his sisters for this. He knows that would have made far more sense, with his sisters being younger and generally more open minded. He could have gone to his aunt too, who wielded a non-nonsense attitude and a keen eye for details and who probably already had an inkling about Eddie’s feelings for his best friend. Beyond his parents, his abuela might very well be the second hardest option, but possibly the most important one. Which is why he decided to start here. He curses his own decision making skills not for the first time today.

Whatever the outcome of this conversation is, he tells himself, it will be a hurdle he has cleared. One part of the knot unwinded.

“Are you going to tell me what’s troubling you, Edmundo?” His grandmother sighs from where she sits on the couch across from him. “You’ve been too far inside your own head since you arrived. Tell me what’s wrong.”

To his horror, the gentle tone makes Eddie’s eyes sting. He taps against his knee twice and sits a steaming mug down, trying to figure out where to start.

“You’re right,” Eddie begins, “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” He looks at her for a long moment, waiting for her encouraging nod before he goes on. “I’ve been keeping something from you and everyone else for a long time. I thought it didn’t matter much. That it won’t hurt anyone if it stays hidden and I don’t act on it. But it’s hurting me, abuela. It’s been hurting me for a long time now, more than I ever thought possible.”

Eddie wills his voice to stay steady but it must give him away, because his abuela moves to sit beside him. She reaches out and puts her hand on top of his, squeezing once.

“What is hurting you, Eddie? I never want anything to hurt you. Tell me.”

“There’s someone I have feelings for, someone I might be in love with,” The words tumbling out of order, without his permission. His abuela’s face clears, she smiles, and begins to speak but Eddie desperately shakes his head at her, so she keeps listening instead. “It’s not just that. It’s a man. The person I have feelings for is a man. That’s what I- it’s what I wanted to tell you.”

Eddie waits for a reprimand. He waits for shock or disgust or anger. It doesn’t come.

Instead, several agonizing moments later, Isabel Diaz makes a wounded noise, followed by a deep sigh. She raises her hand to cup Eddie’s face and gently tugs until he’s looking at her. Eddie is ashamed to admit he almost flinches at the gesture.

“I see,” She says, her eyes watering. “It’s us who have been hurting you. Did we teach you shame? Is that what we did?” She questions.

Eddie doesn’t answer her. Where his eyes stung before, now there are tears gathering and spilling down his cheeks. Eddie doesn’t move to wipe them off. They have earned their release.

“You’re not angry?” Eddie asks instead.

“At you? No, never. At the rest of us? yes. I won’t lie, Eddie, I never expected this, but that’s on me not on you.” She sighs again, “I’m an old woman, heaven knows how much I’ve known and seen. Maybe.. maybe years ago I would have been less generous, and I don’t claim to understand it fully now, but I never want you to be ashamed of who you are. I never want you to hurt because of us.”

Eddie feels his shoulders sagging with relief, a breath leaves him and it sounds wrenched and ragged despite his efforts at quelling. His grandmother pulls him down until his head rests against her shoulder, she wipes at the back of his head and murmurs comforting words in both English and Spanish. They set like that for long moments, Eddie feeling as if he can fully exhale for the first time in years, and his grandmother speaking softly with her arms wrapped around him.

“How long have you known? Does anyone else know?” She asks after a while.

Eddie pulls back and wipes at his face, smiling when he’s instantly offered some tissues and a now-cooling cup of coffee.

“I’ve always known, I think, that I like both men and women. Since I was a kid. And, no, no one else knows. You’re the first person I’m telling,” He answers truthfully. He hadn’t even told Shannon about this. “I know they won’t be happy when it comes out. I just can’t hold it anymore.”

The “they” in question don’t need to be named. His abuela is as familiar with his parents’ set of beliefs as he is.

“Maybe not at first, but they’ll come around. People change with time, and your parents have good hearts.” His grandmother says with such conviction that he almost believes her. “And until then, you know your sisters will be on your side. Your Aunt Josephine too, and me.”

“Thanks, abuela,” Eddie smiles at her gratefully and kisses her cheek. He feels dizzy with relief. Nothing that comes after this will be as difficult.

“Now, tell me about that man of yours. Who is he?” His grandmother’s serious gaze lands on him, but her lips twitch with a smile. Eddie feels heat rushing to his face as if he’s twelve again and caught trying to sneak chocolates from the chocolate box.

“He’s not mine,” Eddie mumbles, and his abuela gives him a look that says and whose fault is that?. “We really don’t have to talk about this.”

When that suggestion is met with a steely stare, Eddie falters then breaks, “His name is Buck? It’s Buck. From work. You’ve met Buck.”

Now his grandmother smiles, her eyes laughing at him. “Yes, I know who Buck is. I’ve only heard Chris rave about him and met him every other month for the past two years, Edmundo.”

Eddie brings a hand to rub at his eyes, now smiling too.

“Why haven’t you told him then?” And before Eddie can answer, she adds, “Is that our doing too? That you’re afraid?”

“No, no, that’s not because of any of this,” Eddie answers, which is only half a lie. “We’re very close friends, abuela. You know how close, you just said it yourself. He’s so involved with Chris and our lives. I’m worried about what will happen if I tell him and it doesn’t work out between us. It’s why I haven’t told him yet.”

“You think he feels the same?”

“I think he does. I’m pretty sure of it,” Eddie confides, even though he has never said any of this aloud before, he has thought about it for months on end, “I’m not ashamed of how I feel, but I thought leaving it alone would be best. To protect what we already have.”

“Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man, Edmundo.” Abuela chastises, “You said you’re close? Then you should respect him enough to give him the choice.”

Eddie nods, eyes watering again. This conversation is so far out of the realm of what he expected that he feels the need to lie down, or cry, or both.

“I will,” Eddie promises, “I’ve been planning on it for a while. I just.. I needed to do this first.”

Oh, my heart, his grandmother murmurs as she cups his face again with gentle hands and draws him into a hug. Against her shoulder, Eddie lets out a breath of pure relief.

------

Making that decision for him is cruel, and you are not a cruel man.

The words ring in Eddie’s ears for days after coming out to his abuela. He catches himself several times in the process of taking them out and looking at them. He never thought of his waiting as cruel to anyone but himself. His grandmother’s words sit heavy in his chest, making him vow to speak to Buck as soon as possible.

Between their busy shifts and both of them having various family obligations, the chance to speak to Buck alone doesn’t present itself until nearly a week after Eddie’s conversation with his grandmother.

They’re at Eddie’s house for the evening, having ended work a few hours ago. Chris fell asleep between them after dinner, about half an hour ago, and so Eddie carries him to his bedroom, kisses his forehead, and silently asks Chris to wish him luck as he heads back to the living room.

On the couch, Buck looks up at Eddie’s arrival and smiles.

“You’re not kicking me out now that Chris is sleeping, are you?” Buck jokes, “Because I was really hoping for a beer.”

Buck gestures towards the table, where two beers sit waiting for them. It strikes Eddie then, just how comfortable Buck is in Eddie’s space, and how much Eddie likes it that way. He smiles and moves to sit next to Buck.

Eddie’s mind is swirling with ways to start the conversation he wants to have, when Buck beats him to it.

“Will you tell me what’s bothering you?” Buck asks, his fingers toying with the neck of his bottle. “You’ve been off all week. Did something happen?”

Eddie looks at Buck for a couple of heartbeats. There’s no denying how beautiful he is, or how attractive Eddie finds him, but what catches his attention now is the ever present kindness in Buck’s eyes. Eddie has always envied Buck his openness and vulnerability. It was a kind of bravery that Eddie is only now starting to learn. Where Eddie is thoughtful and private with his emotions, Buck wears each one of his for the entire world to see. Eddie can’t help the bang of longing spreading through his chest, even as he sets out for his second scary conversation of the week.

“Yeah, something pretty important happened,” Eddie starts, placing the bottle back on the table and turning to look at Buck, who mirrors Eddie’s movement. “I told my abuela that there’s someone I have feelings for, and that this someone is a man.”

Buck blinks at Eddie in rapid succession, seemingly processing the information. His mouth hangs open for a moment before he frowns. “Shit, Eddie, why didn’t you say anything? That’s huge. How did it go? Are you okay?”

“I just came out to you,” Eddie states, because he needs to make sure that that part registered.

“Yeah, no, I noticed, but you also came out to your grandmother which sounds scarier,” Buck shoots back, his eyes filled with pure concern. Eddie badly wants to reach out and rub at the crease between his brows.

“Definitely scarier,” Eddie agrees and then grins, “But it went surprisingly well. Way better than expected. We even talked a bit about the guy.”

Buck’s expression clears into a bright smile, looking for all the world like sunshine in human form. His eyes are shimmering and he wipes at them with a laugh.

“Eddie, that’s great,” Buck punches his shoulder lightly, as if they’re still kids in highschool, and Eddie grins at the gesture, “That’s amazing, man. I’m really happy for you!”

“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie feels light as he says it, the combination of Buck’s blinding smile and him coming out to his best friend feeling heady and intoxicating.

“And you’re alright?” Buck asks again, his hand nudging at Eddie’s knee then retreating. Eddie fights the urge to take Buck’s hand and place it back there, where his warmth seeped into Eddie’s skin.

“I’m all good. Just needed some time to process all of it. But I’m good now.” Eddie nods, “Feels like one of the hardest parts is over. My parents will be a different story, but I’m leaving that for later.”

“Yeah, I get that. Thank you for trusting me with this. Seriously.” Buck says gently, his tone gone soft. He’s obviously sincere with his words, but something flashes in his eyes akin to hurt. It catches Eddie by surprise as he tries to pinpoint what caused the expression.

Buck chews on his lip for several seconds, painfully obvious in his distress, and then replaces the expression with a smile that is a mere flicker of the one he wore before.

“So, do I get to meet this mystery man of yours?” Buck jokes, “Get him the best friend stamp of approval?”

And, oh. Right. Eddie came out to Buck, but he hasn’t told him how he feels about him yet. That Buck is the man in question. That Eddie’s heart has been his now for an embarrassingly long time. Long enough for the idea of Eddie loving anyone other than Buck to be laughable. Eddie’s heart aches with love for him so much, he feels his breath catching with it.

“Well, you’ll need to approve of it for sure,” Eddie says thoughtfully, “Just not in the way you’re thinking.”

Buck’s expression turns puzzled, but he still looks hurt, and Eddie could say more, he probably should say more, but instead he spares them both a long winded explanation and reaches for Buck instead. One of his hands rests against the back of Buck’s head, fingers brushing against his hair, while the other rests against Buck’s cheek. Eddie sees the exact moment realization dawns across Buck’s face, and in any other situation, he would laugh or tease Buck about it. Right now, his focus is solely on Buck’s parted lips.

Eddie inches closer util their foreheads are nearly touching, but doesn’t close the space between them yet, needing a confirmation first.

“Buck, can I kiss you?” Eddie asks, voice far steadier than he feels. Against his hands, Buck’s skin feels so warm and inviting. Buck’s blue eyes are fixed on Eddie’s and so Eddie sees the slow blink he does, accompanied by a genuine smile. The sun breaking through clouds.

“Yes,” Buck whispers, so close that his breath brushes against Eddie’s lips. “Yeah. Kiss me.”

And that is all the prompting Eddie needs before he leans in and finally -god, finally!- brushes his mouth against Buck’s.The first touch of their lips is chaste and innocent, a hello and oh there you are! of sorts, but then Eddie captures Buck’s lower lip and then they’re kissing for real. Eddie thinks distantly that he would never in all his life tire of this or take it for granted. His lips against Buck’s, his hand in Buck’s hair and stroking his cheek, being the one to hear the little noises Buck makes when the kiss deepens. Eddie takes all of it and holds it deep within his chest, letting it warm him from the inside out and settle him deeper into this newly found sense of comfort.

They pull back to catch their breath, and Eddie takes that for the opportunity of kissing the side of Buck’s mouth, then his cheek, and his mouth again where Buck is smiling again.

“So, I’ll take it you approve?” Eddie teases, startling a laugh out of Buck and earning himself another light bunch to the shoulder.

“You’re a real jerk, you know that?” Buck’s voice is too fond to hold any heat, and he can’t seem to stop smiling. Eddie is suffering the same problem. “I don’t know how people can’t see it, but you’re such a jerk. You really had me worried there for a bit,” Buck tries to laugh it off, but the words are too honest for it to work. “Thought I’d lost you to some nameless guy coming in and sweeping you off your feet.”

“Nothing to worry about, bud,” Eddie’s heart aches again, this time for a different reason. If he needs to then Eddie will spend the rest of his life convincing Evan Buckley that he deserves to be loved, and that Eddie would never walk away from him. “No one else in here,” Eddie taps at his chest, “And I’m not going anywhere without you.”

And that seems to be the exact right thing to say because Buck’s eyes shimmer even as he rolls them at Eddie with a put upon groan. “Okay, fine. Works for me, I guess.”

Eddie laughs at that, relishing the answering grin it draws out of Buck. They’re about to start kissing again, lips a breath apart, when Buck jumps back with an expression of pure shock, his face beautifully flushed.

“Shit. Wait, wait,” Buck says with comically wide eyes, “You told your grandmother about me?”

Eddie throws his head back and laughs until his sides hurt.

#buddie #buddie fic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 fox #my stuff #umm so here's a fic no one asked for #benjisvictor #rafasilvas

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justasparkwritings · 3 years

Text

Illicit Affairs: A Million Little Times

Previous: Clandestine Meetings

Pairings: None

Genre: Angst

Ratings: PG17

Word Count: 2.4K

Warnings: Manipulation, Abuse of Power, Swearing, Negotiations and Contracts, Mentions of Alcoholism

Summary: Namjoon clues his Hyungs into the mess he’s been a part of, and Jungkook grapples with truths he didn’t know existed.

Listen: illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

Namjoon had been given a week to get the members on board before signing their contract. A week before dates for deployment were given. A week to see if they’d have a future after the bouts of military service were completed. He’d given himself two days to go over the changes before speaking with Yoongi and Seokjin, and four days to wrestle the Maknae line and Ho-Seok to agree to signing what remained of their dignities and rights away. He holed himself in his room, coffee and water his only liquids, and buried himself in the contracts. He googled far too many legal terms, and had countless texts asking if you understood what the contract meant. Namjoon was exhausted by day three and filled with dread. Today he would speak to his Hyungs and break the devastating news of their contracts.

“So, we have to go over our contracts,” Namjoon said. The three men were seated around the dining room table, the Maknae line gone to rehearse. He felt his palms getting clammy as he glanced at the clock, how much time until they came home? “And for me to share a few things with you.”

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Yoongi asked.

“I’m not sure that even covers it,” Namjoon replied. “Before we start going over the changes, I wanted to share how I’ve been feeling lately, and a few things I haven’t been able to share before.”

“Ah, problems with the lovely Y/N?” Seokjin asked, eyebrows raised.

“No, I just, I’ve been feeling really guilty, and like the reason we’re signing everything away is all my fault. Logically, it isn’t, but I’m filled with dread and hate and spite,” Namjoon said, trying his best to maintain eye contact with his hyungs.

“Oh, what does Bang say?” Yoongi asked.

“I’m not supposed to talk to you about these things,” Namjoon bowed his head.

“Why?”

“In case I inspire you to riot, or to not sign your contract,”

“What have they been saying to you?”

“They’ve continued their usual assault of blaming me for Jungkook’s youthful indiscretions, Jimin following suit and the general ‘disfunction’ of the Maknae line. They are constantly telling me ‘you’re responsible for Jungkook, you raised him. You need to make sure he’s falling in line’. They’ve been putting it all on me since the beginning.”

“But you’re not responsible,” Jin said, confused.

“We’re all responsible,” Yoongi said. “We’re the eldest, we raised him.”

“Bang and management think that it’s our collective failing, like we’ve destroyed what could’ve been if Jungkook had, I don’t know, turned out better,” Namjoon explained.

“That’s fucked up, it’s not our fault, Bang scouted him, Jungkook’s parents started showing him before you signed him, Joon,” Yoongi said.

“Bang thinks that since I was the reason why Jungkook went with BigHit, I’m liable for his actions,” Namjoon clarified.

“He’s his own person, can’t he make his own decisions?” Yoongi asked.

“Nature verses nurture, right? I’m nurture, Yoongi’s nature,” Jin said pointing between the two of them.

“And, I’ve just been feeling really guilty, like everything with Jungkook, him signing up, him signing his life away, is all my fault. It’s my fault you guys are losing your rights to everything you create… It’s all because of me, and I don’t know how to share that burden.”

“You’re not responsible, we all made a decision,” Jin said.

“We’re all responsible for our own actions,” Yoongi agreed.

“Yes, but I signed the first contract,” Namjoon said.

“Namjoon, we were kids.”

“I have these meetings with them, Bang and the lawyers, and all we do is discuss the problems with Jungkook, the ways he’s being disrespectful for ruining the brand. They give me a fucking list of problems and tell me to fix it, or give me tasks to do to aid in his development,” Namjoon looks at his hyungs, eyes tired.

“What?” They said in unison.

“They show up with slide shows and exhibit after exhibit of what he’s doing wrong, and then say I have to address it with him, I have to manage it. They teach me how to, what to say, what to do, and then they blame me when it fails,” Namjoon could feel the frustrated tears building.

“They’re convincing you that you’re the problem, Namjoon,” Yoongi stated.

“You haven’t ruined him,” Jin agreed.

“The tattoos, his hair, how he’s refusing to participate in videos or have a positive attitude in filming, he’s representing the brand negatively, he’s encouraging an uprising with the Maknae, the growing alcoholism that he can’t seem to get a grip on,” Namjoon listed.

“They have presentations?” Seokjin couldn’t wrap his head around it.

“Yes,” Namjoon reiterated.

“How often is this?” Yoongi was curious, was this normal? Did the Maknae have meetings about them?

“At first, it was every two weeks, it’s slowed down has he’s gotten older, but on average about once a month,” Namjoon shrugged, the meetings had become so normal he’d forgotten that they weren’t.

“You’ve been having meetings about Jungkook, regularly, for a decade?” Yoongi was floored.

“I’ve had them,” Jin said, “Not that frequently, but a few times.”

“Why the fuck haven’t I- you know, I understand why,” Yoongi said. “So, you’ve been controlling Jungkook, for a decade?”

“I’m not controlling him, I’m guiding him,” Namjoon snapped, his tone harsher than intended.

“Do you know what his contract says?” Jin asked.

“All of your contracts say the same thing, more or less, with the exception of this year. This year, they are different,”

“Does he know?” Yoongi asked.

“About the meetings? No,” Namjoon and Jin shook their heads simultaneously.

“Mm,” Yoongi nodded.

“I’m sorry they’ve been putting this on you for years, why didn’t you come to us sooner?” Seokjin asked. “I’m the eldest, this is my responsibility too.”

“I’m not allowed to,” Namjoon whispered, ashamed he’d believed the unproven lies he’d been told.

“Allowed to?” Yoongi laughed, the shock echoing in the trilled notes.

“Yes, it’s a condition of my contract,” Namjoon mumbled.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Yoongi said, laugh cut short by sheer awe.

“No, it’s been in my contract for years, this is the first time it hasn’t been,” Namjoon took note of the absence, asking you if he’d read the pages right. They hadn’t included their airtight secrecy clause, not in the mark up, and they never forgot to put it in the mark up.

“Namjoon, what if they find out?” Jin inquired.

“We’re supposed to be discussing the new contract, this is part of that discussion because I am at my breaking point.”

“You aren’t responsible for what Jungkook decides to do,” Yoongi said, “None of us are.”

“It’s my fault he’s here, that he’s in BTS, that he doesn’t have a life or a chance at a future. He’s working himself to the bone, he’s drinking all the time, he’s burning himself out before his career beats him to it.”

“How is that your fault?” Yoongi was growing tired of the narrative Namjoon was spinning.

“I am the reason he’s in BTS,” Namjoon repeated for what felt like the thousandth time.

“You’re never going to move past this, are you?” Yoongi asked.

“I’m trying to,” Namjoon felt defeated.

“You have to relinquish the guilt,” Seokjin said. “Namjoon, we’re all responsible for each other and ourselves.”

“And ARMY,” Yoongi added.

“I just,” Namjoon sighed, wiping tears from his cherub cheeks. “There are things you will never know, and I just needed to share part of the burden.”

“Share more often, we’re here, we’ll talk to Jungkookie about his behavior,” Seokjin said.

“The drinking is,” Namjoon shook his head, unable to find the words to start the conversation.

“When we’re gone, do you think he-” Jin started.

“He has to, he fucking has too,” Yoongi said.

They didn’t broach the topic of things they would never know. The strain it had put on Namjoon, on his voice as the words came out, indicated that Seokjin and Yoongi were treading in dangerous waters, but they didn’t know who or what to be afraid of.

“Should we talk about the contract?” Namjoon offered.

The hyungs nodded, and after he wiped his eyes, Namjoon grabbed his folder. He slid the copy of their new contract to them, tabs still in place, additional ones with notes he’d made sticking out, making it look like Seokjin in Subway Olympics.

“Why did they make clarifications on who we can date?” Yoongi questioned.

“Since when did they know who preferred who?” Seokjin asked.

“That’s not the worst part,” Namjoon said. He waited with bated breath, for the moment he knew was coming.

Yards away, Jungkook stood silently by the entrance to the kitchen, back against the wall, breath held. He was intent on eavesdropping, hearing as much as he could from his hyungs to understand what they were talking about. It didn’t take long to figure out that he was the reason they were meeting, and that he had been the subject of innumerable meetings at headquarters that Namjoon had been forced to attend. Namjoon had made decisions on his behalf, he always did. Jungkook felt the rage that’d been building over the last decade start to take shape, and instead of doing the rational thing, he did what he wanted: he left to get drunk.

“This contract is brutal,” Seokjin said.

“I don’t think we can fix it,” Namjoon replied.

“Can we get outside council? A lawyer not tied to Big Hit?”

“No, I’ve looked into it, even with our finances being independent, there’s no way we can track that Bang won’t hear about it.”

“Can we get Jin’s dad’s lawyers to look at it?”

“We could try, but I’ve got the only copy of the new contract, it can’t be copied, I’m on strict orders to share it with you and return it to Bang,”

“My dad’s team will take a look, for sure,” Seokjin responded. “When do we have to sign?”

“Four days,” Namjoon informed them.

“Aye! So short!” Jin called.

“It took me two days to look through all of it,” Namjoon said.

“Did you talk to her about it?” Jin wondered.

“Yeah, I did.” Namjoon responded.

“What’d she say?” He asked.

Namjoon preferred not to talk about his relationship, mostly because he felt guilty that he was allowed to have one while the bandmembers weren’t. His relationship had been a test, to see if it was possible for an Idol to be in a committed relationship. You told Namjoon the only reason they agreed to an addendum in his contract was because you lived stateside, hours away, and he couldn’t see you often. If management thought you’d be seen together, or be exposed in anyway, it would’ve put a kibosh on the entire relationship. As it stood, you were years into being in love, blissfully so, and no one else in BTS was reaping the benefits of your success.

“She told me to talk to you,” Namjoon wasn’t about to slip that he’d had your dad look at the papers.

“I can drive this to my dad’s office now, is there anything else we need to discuss?” Seokjin asked, setting his phone down.

“I don’t know how to present this to everyone else, and I don’t know what we do if we find lawyers who will represent us in our negotiations,” Namjoon said getting back to business.

“What can we negotiate in this contract?” Yoongi asked.

“I think we can come out swinging against the percentage for writers and producers, and we can try to negotiate a change in their ‘in perpetuity’ clause in terms of ownership,” Namjoon said, offering the alternatives he’d been working on.

“We could argue that we want ownership of everything we make going forward?” Yoongi suggested.

“What do we have to leverage?” Seokjin asked.

“That’s the thing, I don’t know,” Namjoon said.

“We can offer Jungkook up as a sacrifice,” Yoongi chuckled. “Maybe send Jimin too.”

“Maybe we discuss brand deals? Or give them a bigger cut of something?” Jin offered.

“Trade money for artistic license?” Yoongi clarified.

“Yes, they’re not going to budge on the relationships, but if we offer money, instead of their ten percent we do an additional 5% spilt amongst the seven of us,” Namjoon said, setting his pencil down and staring at the number in his notes.

“Would that be enough?” Jin asked.

“We could say max 10% split amongst us, which gives them a higher cut of profits,” Yoongi responded.

“We could argue that without us, they won’t be bringing in nearly the same amount, as a company they’d take a huge hit without us,” Jin suggested.

“Wouldn’t the economy also suffer? Or would they use our catalogue?” Yoongi asked.

“They’re going to want blood,” Namjoon whispered, ignoring the questions of his hyungs.

“Well Jungkook’s one drink away from spilling it all over a sidewalk, so,” Yoongi shrugged.

Across town, in a dive bar that Jungkook had never been to, he sat, drink in hand, glass nearly empty. He’d made a habit of frequenting dives far enough out of town that no one he knew would find him, but close enough that when he was obliterated, he didn’t have to wait impatiently in his chauffeured car to drive him an hour home. He was on his second double on the rocks, choosing to nurse this one instead of chugging it. He kept his notepad near him, pen waiting for him to pick up and start writing whatever drunken thoughts he had. Jungkook would rather swallow his pride before he ever read back what he wrote. He didn’t know if it was healthy or the path to ruin, but he wrote the same old swan song, every damn time. He convinced himself it would be helpful for his writing, or maybe if he ever went to talk to someone about his life, or wrote a memoir, he’d have these. He couldn’t admit that drunk ramblings of a crumbling K-Pop star were nothing more than that.

As he nursed his drink, he repeated the mantra he’d perfected: this time would be different. For the first time in months, he believed it. Today he had proof of his deepest fears. Namjoon was conspiring against him, saying it was in his best interest while steering him towards a full psychological breakdown. Namjoon had told the truth to his hyungs, but to Jungkook, he’d continue to lie, and lie and lie, a million times.

Next: Show Their Truth

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johairadiniosblog · 3 years

Text

My Highschool Life Journey!

GRADE 7

This was the year I transferred to the school of St. Martin de Porres Catholic School here in Norzagaray, Bulacan. At first, I was so nervous to meet new friends and to meet new people because of my trauma in my previous school. This school year really changed my life a hundred times better. I've met new friends, classmates, and I even encountered a lot of amazing people that turns out to be one of the most important people in my life. This year taught me a lot of lessons that I can cherish for the rest of my life. I experienced selling brownies so I would earn enough for my daily allowance. I experienced working after school to help my mom and my grandfather, and I experienced being loved by my friends and all the people around me.

This has been the greatest year for me to finally meet someone with who I can cherish my friendship, love, and support. She's been my best friend for the past 6 years and I am wholeheartedly grateful to have a friend like her in my life. I've never thought that I would be able to find a friend like her. She played a big part in my life. Her name is Phoemela Ricci Gachalian and I am proud to say that she is my only beb.

GRADE 8

This was my second year in St. Martin de Porres Catholic School. I am now comfortable talking and joining in random groups in our community especially on parish activities. I wanna share something. When we moved here in Norzagaray Bulacan, I observed that the people here are very fond in attending mass, processions and worshipping God as their daily routines every Sunday and even on weekdays. I was so amazed and while I observed their way of living, I also adapt it to myself. Moving here in Norzagaray really changed the way I lived and the way I communicate to people.

2nd year of being a junior Highschool student, I already have my own group of friends and we were four at that time. There was a new transfered student in our section when we were still on our grade 8 days. I remembered, I was the one who talked to her first and that was the start of our friendship. She joined our group and that is one of the best moments that I can remember this year.

One of the most memorable moments for me this year is when our adviser (Sir. Mark) conducted an activity that changed our lives more than that we expected. There are a lot of fights in our classroom that time and he wanted us to be fond of each other. He talked to our teachers way back then to ask permission if he can borrow their time so that we can do this activity on one whole day. Then all of them agreed. When the activity ended, I feel like relieved and my mind was refreshed for all the negative vibes and this is one of the best things that remembered before.

GRADE 9

In my third year here at my current school, I am now aware of my responsibilities, the path that I will take and my decisions in life. There are a lot of adjustments that I do in my previous years but now I am just learning to accept my faith and I also have a hard time catching up on some opportunities. I admit it wasn't easy because I have very low self-esteem. I can't express my self that much and I can't also speak up for my self at this point. I do doubt myself a couple of times. The fact that I can't even sing the national anthem in front of my schoolmates is a bummer. I am too ashamed and has no self-confidence but then I believed in myself that I can do anything that I wanted to do.

The first step that I did is I joined the campus ministry's student catechist here in our school, it is one of my gateways to gain more self-confidence and it does help me to improve my self-esteem. I enjoyed teaching younger students especially grades 1 and 2. I taught them kindness and respect for any religious beliefs. The second step that I did is that I always keep in mind the things that have helped me to move forward. And lastly, I consulted my friends and my family if they're noticing any changes in my behavior.

GRADE 10

This was my last year in junior highschool and I currently enjoying life at this point. To be honest, our friendship with my four other friends turns out to be separate each others ways in the middle of the school year and it was fine actually. Even though our friendship's bond are no longer be the same as before we still communicate and talk to each other. The only person that I spend most of my time talking to is Pom and our bond to each other seems to have grown so much. This has been our greatest years in our junior highschool days. I’ve keep a lot of memories during these days especially when I had the chance to become an honor student again after my deepest and darkest days. Thanks for my classmates that keeps on pushing me to review our lessons and helps me to show my potential.

During these days, I no longer doubt myself if I can’t do it or it will end up in a chaotic way. I just taught to myself to believe that I can make it and if I fail I’ll grow as simple as that but in reality I still have an anxiety and I also fear rejections. I have a lots of limitations when it comes to my personality and potential.

This is also the year when I gain trust from my parents again and it has been one of my grateful days of my life. As a matter of fact, I feel loved again the way I wanted to. It’s warm helped me to become the person who I am today and I guess life is like a wheel, sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. On the end, you just need to enjoy the ride.

GRADE 11

From the past years of being a highschool student, this is the most wonderful and the best year that I can consider as one of my treasures in life and I will never get tired of reminiscing memories from this year. My circle of friends is one of the Lord’s greatest gift from heaven and I am grateful that they came into my life. I remembered, the day won't end without a smile on our faces, each day we’ve shared each other’s a smile, our stories, our fears and happiness. The time past by and I can still smell the freshness of each of their colognes. I feel so loved and precious by the people around me. I can’t express how lucky I was when I’m with them.

This year, I’ve grown and got better day by day. I don’t feel any negative energy within my body because of all the positivity and joy that my friends are giving me. I also focus on my studies even though I procrastinate a couple of times. I asked my parents if they notice the changes in my personality and they said I’m getting better. My environment is full of joy and I also feel motivated.

Being a grade 11 student is not easy, there are a lot of objectives that we need to accomplish and there are a lot of adjustments that need to go through but with the help of my family and friends, I passed those challenges that I need to face and I also thanked our Lord for his guidance.

It has been a great year for me and for my friends that has been lucky to go through the same happiness as I encountered. The joy gives us a lot of life lessons that we can share to everyone especially for those people who are in their deepest right now.

GRADE 12

My last year as a highschool student and it will also be my last school year here in my current school. Our lives have changed a hundred times worst this year because of the pandemic and I admit I really had a hard time adjusting to my online classes. I feel worst because I procrastinate most of the time and I’ve lost my passion in playing musical instruments in this time of pandemic. That saddens me the most because I feel like I’m giving up my talent. Anyways, I’ll going to fix it and I’ll probably make time to develop my talent again after our graduation but now I need to focus on my priorities. This year gave me a lot of realizations and it also changed my perspectives in life. I’m a dreamer before and now I am more on logical and analytical thinking type of person.

The pandemic gave me a lot of blessings too. One of them are my friends (Q.C.), although we’re not seeing each other everyday we still communicate using different social media sites. They are the ones that motivates me everyday and they are the ones that I can also consider as my most precious gifts in this time of pandemic.

This will also be one of my chaotic years in my entire life because before this year ends, me and my family have been covid-19 positive and it is a one of a kind experience that I can remember for the rest of my days. It has been a very hard year for our family.

It is also a sad year for our fellow schoolmates and teachers when one of our teachers died. I hope he is in a good place now. This year gave us a lot of lessons that we can cherish forever. One of the most important lessons that I’ve learned is never get tired of praying and life is short so don’t waste your time on the things that don’t make you happy.

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 3 years

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Indemnity is a Moon Trap

“When I was a Moonie I didn’t feel free, I felt burdened beyond endurance by indemnity. Indemnity is anti God because it is anti unconditional love. Indemnity says you must pay for salvation, yours and everyone else’s, including dead people’s salvation. Indemnity totally and completely ignores God’s unconditional love and mercy which is given freely from profound unconditional parental love.” Linda Feher – LINK

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“All women of the world belong to the True Adam. Where is your wife? They are willing to be faithful to me; that’s why I gave them to you men. They are originally loyal to me, not to you. Adam did not take responsibility for fallen Eve, so I took care of them. That is indemnity.” Sun Myung Moon – True God’s Day 2000 Leaders Conference (Jan. 1st)

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Sun Myung Moon used the concept of indemnity to ensnare followers by making them feel a burden of responsibility for his “providence of restoration” – and guilt for their own sins, those of their ancestors, and those of their nations. Moon judged most nations to have failed to support him, or live up to a responsibility that he had assigned. According to Moon, the Christians failed (to acknowledge or support him), and so did many other groups of people.

Whoever the member is, they will be responsible for some failure or other. The way out Moon offered only benefited him: work hard for the “providence”, accept whoever he matches you to, or liberate your ancestors in exchange for money (and years of dedication).

If your marriage is difficult, it is because you are “paying indemnity” for something in your life or your lineage.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unification_Church ‘Indemnity’ in the Unification Church Christian commentators have criticized the concept of indemnity as being contrary to the Christian doctrine of salvation by faith. Radio and television evangelist Bob Larson said, “Moon’s doctrine of sinless perfection by ‘indemnity’, which can apply even to deceased ancestors, is a denial of the salvation by grace offering through Jesus Christ.” Christian historian Ruth Tucker said: “In simple language indemnity is salvation by works.” Donald Tingle and Richard Fordyce, ministers with the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) who debated two Unification Church theologians in 1977, wrote: “In short, indemnity is anything you want to make it, since you establish the conditions. The zeal and enthusiasm of the Unification Church members is not so much based on love for God as it is compulsion to indemnify one’s own sins.” The Unification Church has also been criticized for saying that the First World War, the Second World War, the Holocaust, and the Cold War served as indemnity conditions to prepare the world for the establishment of the Kingdom of God. Indemnity, in the context of Unification Church beliefs, is a part of the process by which human beings and the world are restored to God’s ideal. The concept of indemnity is explained at the start of the second half of the Divine Principle, “Introduction to Restoration”: “What, then, is the meaning of restoration through indemnity? When someone has lost his original position or state, he must make some condition to be restored to it. The making of such conditions of restitution is called indemnity. For example, to recover lost reputation, position or health, one must make the necessary effort or pay the due price. Suppose two people who once loved each other come to be on bad terms; they must make some condition of reconciliation before the love they previously enjoyed can be revived. In like manner, it is necessary for human beings who have fallen from God’s grace into corruption to fulfill some condition before they can be restored to their true standing. We call this process of restoring the original position and state through making conditions restoration through indemnity, and we call the condition made a condition of indemnity. God’s work to restore people to their true, unfallen state by having them fulfill indemnity conditions is called the providence of restoration through indemnity.” The Divine Principle goes on to explain three types of indemnity conditions. Equal conditions of indemnity pay back the full value of what was lost. The biblical verse “life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth” (Exod. 21:23-24) is quoted as an example of an equal indemnity condition. Lesser conditions of indemnity provide a benefit greater than the price that is paid. Faith, baptism, and holy communion are mentioned as examples of lesser indemnity conditions. Greater conditions of indemnity come about when a person fails in a lesser condition. In that case a greater price must be paid to make up for the earlier failure. Abraham’s attempted sacrifice of his son Isaac (Gen. 22:1-18) and the Israelite’s 40 years of wandering in the wilderness under Moses (Num. 14:34) are mentioned as examples of greater indemnity conditions. The DP then explains that an indemnity condition must reverse the course by which the mistake or loss came about. Jesus’ statement that God had forsaken him (Matt. 27:46) and Christianity’s history of martyrdom are mentioned as examples of this. The DP then states that human beings, not God or the angels, are the ones responsible for making indemnity conditions.

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Sun Myung Moon, April 15, 1979, Belvedere, Tarrytown, New York:

“In our Unification Church faith the most beautiful word is ‘indemnity’; through indemnity we can pay the debt of sin. You say to God, “God, there is no one else who could stand such a burden of indemnity. This price of death, I am willing to accept it, since You have chosen me. I can accept it with gratitude to You.” When you compare the time you spend without the person you loved with the millions of years your generations will live, your payment of indemnity is small in comparison to the blessing God will give you and your descendants. If you are truly grateful from the depth of your heart—expressing, “God, I will accept and digest this challenge, so I will be ready for the next”—then, God will feel that He has really found an extraordinary child. He will say, “How wonderful my child is!” and His blessing will automatically be yours. Your attitude will decide the amount of blessing.

If an extraordinary grief or tragedy hits you, are you ready to thank God and ask what is next? It is natural that you say you are grateful when good things happen to you and then curse God when unpleasant things happen. With knowledge of indemnity there should be nothing you cannot bear. …”

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The Unification Church Indemnity Stick Ceremony

How the teachings of the Divine Principle are used as a means of control

‘Ashamed to be Korean’ gives a report on the Moon scam

Sun Myung Moon explains pikareum

Sun Myung Moon had sex ceremonies with the wives of all the 36 couples – Official Unification Church workshops in Japan

Sun Myung Moon’s Theology of the Fall, Tamar, Jesus and Mary

Moon caused hell with his “Six Marys providence” – children lost their mothers, etc… there was chaos and misery. Nothing was restored!

Pak Chung-hwa interviewed about Moon’s “SEX relays”

#Sun Myung Moon #Indemnity #Divine Principle

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emrysarthurpendragon · 4 years

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Don’t say goodbye

They grew old together. Or most likely, Freya looked older while Merlin was still the same. Even with his use of tricks, people couldn’t miss how younger he looked beside his wife and, of course, people were gossiping. Oh, look at that young fellow, escorting his mum to the dance. Oh, another diamond’s digger, he wants the poor lady’s gold. Merlin loved her all the same, even when Freya started feeling self-conscious. Tonight was a big event and Merlin would not let people interfere with their happiness. They had been married for thirty years, together since they met during the war, no one would be allowed to spoil them from their happiness.

“C’mon, love. The taxi’s waiting,” he said, wrapping his arms around Freya and claiming another kiss from her. She laughed but did not seem content. “What is it?” Merlin asked, feeling worried.

“I don’t feel like going out … all these people, they’ll think you’re a…”

“A man deeply in love with his wonderful, beautiful and so amazing wife? Then, they’ll be right. If they have nothing better to do, like paying attention to their company, it’s not our problem to worry about.” Merlin said, as he caressed Freya’s cheek, she leaned to the touch and nodded. “You want to go?” Merlin still questioned, as he never forced the woman to anything. Not now, not ever.

“I’ll do anything with you, you know it.”

“And so do I, I’ll even die for you,” he joked.

“Not that you actually can,” Freya teased him back and they both shared a laugh, cut short by a man’s voice. Their son, Gaius, who turned thirty a few weeks ago.

“Mum, dad, just go! I know the night is long but…”

“But that girlfriend of yours is waiting in her car, and you really need us to go so she can come in?” Merlin said, earning a horrified glance from their blushing son, and an amused giggle from Freya. “What? You thought we did not notice your eagerness whenever we planned a night out?”

“Actually, Merlin love, I recall I was the one who told you,” Freya added, raising an eyebrow in a ‘don’t mess with me’ look.

‘Really?” Merlin pretended to doubt her words, but he smiled softly. “I guess you’re right. Still. Gaius, remember to act like a proper gentleman. Serve her food first, don’t kiss her without her consent and if she drinks more than a glass of wine, drive her home. Don’t let her take a cab, strange things are happening now, and we don’t want to risk her life.”

“Dad!” Gaius whined, sounding like the child he used to be.

“Oh and there are condoms in your bedside. Even if I do hope you are not a horny creature and can wait until after your wedding.”

“PAPA!” Gaius now screamed, his face a deep shade of red as he hid it with his hands.

“Merlin, stop tormenting our boy,” Freya chastised her immortal husband. “He knows the rules and how to threat a woman.”

“We can’t remind him enough, can we?” Merlin wondered, “Ok. Ok. Let’s go. I’m sure the poor girl is freezing.”

Gaius visibly relaxed and hugged them both. In six months, he will be a doctor, like his parents. They never pressured him in such a carrier but when he had been old enough to understand his early life, Gaius had decided to help people, to save lives as a payment for the ones watching after him from above. Many died and he survived … for them, he will save humans without judgement or prejudice regarding whom they were, their religions or orientations. They were so proud of the man he became.

“I love you,” he whispered and the ushered them to the door.

“We love you too,” they both said, waving as they headed to their car. Still, Merlin couldn’t help but make a quick detour to a vehicle parked close to theirs. He knocked at the window and chuckled when the woman inside literally jumped on her sit. Thanks to some make up and fake white hair, Merlin looked close to his wife age – or not as young as he was – so she probably never questioned what he told her. Or it was because she flustered and wished to vanish. “Good night, Milady. Gaius is all yours until midnight, you’ll see, he made his favourite recipe, learned from my dear Freya. Have fun!”

When he joined his wife in the car, she sent him a glare and after a minute, they both laughed.

“You had to scare the poor girl, aren’t you?”

“What do you want? We, immortals, had to take little pleasures when they are at reach. Plus, I’m sure she’s a future ‘Mrs Emrys’. I like her.”

Freya said nothing but she truly wished the best for their son. Of course, Gaius had no memories from their times in death camp, but he still had enough suffering for a life. Until now, his relationship never lasted long, mostly because their boy wanted to protect their secret but he deserved his happy life. Merlin even planned to vanish, if it helped Gaius. The boy always refused, claiming that one day, he will find the one. The one with whom sharing their darkest secret would be fine. He had been courting that woman for a couple of months now, they all hoped she would stay around and accompany Gaius on the long road of life.

At the restaurant, Merlin held a hand to Freya as he helped her sit on her chair, before placing himself facing her. Tensed at first, the older-looking woman soon forgot the stares and they laughed, shared stories from their past and all the happy times they had. Gaius’ first steps, in their apartments in London. The day she graduated from nurses’ school, with the photograph still in their living room as a testimony that, even if you travelled trouble waters, happiness was waiting for you at the corner. Their wedding day, with so many people they couldn’t even count. Mordred had been there for a couple of years, but he vanished after their son’s fifth birthday. People who went to Dachau too, and were now like family. People who – Freya learned it that day, as Merlin never took credits for his good deeds – the man helped hide. Entire families were still alive because Merlin existed. As they talked about it, Merlin blushed again and waved it off, claiming he just did what numerous people managed to do in that time.

“Maybe, but you’re the only one with a legend attaches to him,” Freya said, taking his cold hand in her warmer one. “Children and grandchildren know the story of an un-aging angel sent to protect us. A man without weapons, asking for peace instead of violence. The one who found a baby and raised him as his own son.”

“I’m no angel. I killed people too, when I had to.”

“And? Angels are warriors too. They have flaming swords and all kinds of weapons. Merlin, you are their saviour, our hero. You deserve this. Don’t you see their smiles whenever we visit them? You think they believe you, when you tell them you’re just a parent with their Merlin?”

“Why not?” Merlin asked, nervously playing with his food. He felt like he did not fit the part. He failed at saving so many friends … but the one death he felt the most ashamed of, he could not even remember it. Even in his nightmares, the scene vanished the moment he opened his eyes.

“They love you, that’s all I wanted to say,” Freya spoke and they continued their dinner. For dessert, they ordered something simple, chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream, as it held found memories for them. When they first moved back here together, they went to a park and shared an ice cream. The same night, Merlin made a cake for his beloved and surprised her when, as time passed, he surprised her when he cooked dinner for the family most of the time. With her school, Merlin had known how tired she had been and spared her the charge of a house. More than once, he had laughed at what her spouse’s friends told her. They often asked if they could borrow hum to teach their husbands; every single time, Freya told them her better half was not for sale. “You think Gaius will kiss her tonight?” Freya asked after a while.

“If he doesn’t, I kick him from the house. It’s been what … eight months? We never waited that long!”

“We met in different circumstances. Things go faster during a war. And if I’m correct, you were still a virgin when we met … how old were you then? A thousand and four hundred years old? More or less? Gaius’s still in time.”

“Very funny.” Merlin muttered. He knew he should not have told her about this. Of course, she would use it against him in moments like these.

“And you were so cute the first time, so clumsy! I still remember you falling off the bed!”

“Shh, Freya please!” Merlin squealed, remembering all too well what happened that night. They were on the boat taking them to their honeymoon in Spain, alone, without Gaius for the first time in months – Mordred had babysat him – and Merlin wanted the night to be special for them. Before their union, he had studied many books and asked some friend about what he should know for his first time with Freya, and at all in fact. Mordred, for instance, had watched him with wide eyes before he broke with laughers but then share some insightful knowledge with him. Some colleagues helped him too and told him to relax. Still, when the night came he worried he may hurt Freya and after load of cuddling, when he rolled on top of his beautiful wife, he went too far and fell on the floor. The young maid had laughed for a good fifteen minutes, with a pouting – naked – Merlin on the pavement. “I wish I could forget that night…” he mumbled, the shame still burning his soul.

“I held found memories from then. I loved you even more, knowing it happened because you cared. Most men, even now but more in our time, would have thought of their pleasure, not mine. I’m lucky I met you.”

“I still think it happened because we were on a boat, and the roll made me lose my balance.”

“If you think so, my love … if you say so…” Freya chuckled.

The night went smoothly. After dinner, they head to a dance’s event and twirled together, eyes into eyes, until they couldn’t notice the people around them. Nothing existed beside the two and their radiating love. In that moment, Freya felt like the young bride again and Merlin saw the way she smiled, the sparkles in her eyes. She was so perfect, like a diamond he had been lucky enough to hold all these years. Around noon, the placed closed and they stopped dancing. Like Cinderella, their time had expired and they had to go home.

“I wish that night never ends…” whispered Freya. “Take me to the Lake, please?” there was a feeling of urgency in her voice, Merlin noticed, but he said nothing and drove to the peaceful place. The first time they came as a family, Merlin noticed something in Freya’s stance and look. When he asked what the matter was, she said nothing, staring at the calm water. Still, they started coming each week as a ritual. Tonight though, something felt wrong. When they reached their usual spot, Freya turned around and took his hand. Her eyes shimmered in the moon light and the older man worried.

“Freya? What’s wrong?”

“You don’t remember, do you?” she asked, “The first time we came here together?”

“Of course, I do! We were with Gaius and…”

“No. The first time, we were alone. Together. We ran in hope of a new life, with a lake and mountains surrounding us. We wanted a new place, where people like us were not hunted down for what they were…” she whispered, silently begging him to remember. But remember what? “You erased your own memories in the fifth, early sixth century, after Arthur died. Long after I died too, and you sent us all here, in Avalon, as we waited to meet again.”

“What…? No. So what? You think I’m like… Merlin as in Merlin and King Arthur? It’s crazy. I lose my memories because a building fell on me. Magic never existed!” Merlin said, a bubble of anguish forming in his chest. If it were true, why was he so scared? Why did he always feel hollow near the lake? Like he was mourning someone? No. Legends. King Arthur and Camelot belonged to myths. “Why are you doing this? Why tonight?” he begged, his head starting to hurt as something tried to pierce through his skull.

“The Goddess think it’s time for you to realise what you’ve lost. She sent me back to this world, she made us meet again and … oh how much I love you. Time never altered our feelings. But you need to stop. You need to bring back magic and Camelot. Just look, we are all coming back. Mordred. Me. Gaius. The others will be born again soon … please. I’m begging you…”

Merlin watched her with eyes filled with pain and worry. Images started playing, submerging him like a wave contained for too long. His boy tensed. Freya, loving Freya, knelt beside him and gently patted his back.

“Let them come, my love…” she soothed with kind words. “Let them come and guide you to the Source…”

The Source. Source of all magic. Arthur. Death. NO!

Merlin’s mind shut all the memories. He locked them even more behind his walls. Confused, Merlin looked up from where he fell, with Freya watching him closely.

“Excuse me. What were we saying?” he asked, the conversation forgotten with everything related to his first life.

“I told you that place seems magical. I’m sure there are fairies hidden somewhere,” Freya said, knowing pushing her husband more was useless. Merlin did not want to remember. Even after all that time, his soul still had not healed from Arthur’s death. The wound was too deep, and never healed properly since the warlock refused to face the memories, good or not. “Hold me close for now…” she wanted to enjoy every moment, as the clock ticked to the end of their story. She had planned everything … ever since she feared she won’t be enough to make the warlock remember. When they came home that night, Freya watched Merlin’s peaceful sleep for hours. At three in the morning, she stood and got dress. At three thirty, she placed a letter on the fireplace, under the family’s portray. At three forty-five, she closed the door and never came back.

* * *

The morning after, Merlin opened his eyes to an empty place beside him. It surprised him, since Freya had always enjoyed extra sleep but he yawned and headed to the kitchen, where he found Gaius with a coffee in front of him, and a smile on his face. His date probably went well, and the proud father decided not to mess with his boy today.

“Have you seen your mother?” he asked after he swallowed his toast.

“No. Wasn’t she with you?” Gaius worried. “She’s probably in town; let’s look for a note,” he offered and they started searching for something. Merlin was in his office when Gaius knocked at the door. He looked pale, a letter in hand, and gave it to him. Thinking of it, Gaius seemed like the epitome of an abandoned child. Quickly, Merlin read the words and his world fell apart.

My love,

I can’t tell you how sorry I am for leaving you like this. My years with you were among the happiest I ever had and for that, I will always be thankful. When we met for the first time, I was scared, I felt like I was a beast, cursed for something I never asked for. Cursed for being me, a victim of the system. With you, I saw the light field from the sky and … and I knew I deserved to be happy. I’m proud to say I had been your wife in this life, and I know that one day, you’ll find the missing piece fulfilling your heart.

Long ago, you told me you were immortal and I never questioned this. I didn’t because of reasons I can’t share at the moment… I also know you don’t mind people and their gossips, but no matter what, I’m freeing you, Merlin. Please, take care of Gaius and don’t waste your time looking for me. I love you. I love you so much there are no words strong enough to describe it. I hope that one day, you will remember your past and embrace it with open arms. I love you, my dear boys, remember me. ▬ Freya, mum.

“Gaius, take your coat, she can’t be far!” Merlin ordered, already putting a jacket on. Her son complied and they both hurried outside. They asked the neighbourhood, the policemen touring their district, the milk’s deliveryman. No one had seen or heard of Freya.

“Dad, what about the lake?” Gaius said. They were at a café, after hours searching the town. Merlin’s head snapped up. How could he forget the lake? They went there just the previous day. Both men ran toward their place.

“Freya!”

“Mum!”

“Freya can you hear me?!”

“Mum, please come back!”

They circled the lake together. Gaius one side, Merlin the others. Nothing. Not even a misplaced item to lead them. They almost wished they found something, even if it meant the beloved woman had drowned under water. Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months. Enough time passed to see Gaius introducing young Alice to his dad. A lovely lass with brown hair and chocolate’s eyes. It turned out she was one of these people, who loved mysteries and legends and when they told her about Merlin’s secret, she accepted him without questions. Afterwards, she asked a lot of them, obviously, but never when Merlin was in a bad day. Those happened each year, when it had been another 365 days without his Freya. He just gazed into emptiness for hours, not even acknowledging his family. But today, Alice had no choice but disturb the man. Gently, she placed her hand on his shoulder and pulled him from his dark thoughts.

“Merlin? A word, please,” she asked, they sat with Gaius on the couch, while he remained glued to his chair.

“Dad, we have good news,” Gaius said, beaming with pure happiness. “We are expecting a baby, a girl. Alice is pregnant!”

This brings the first real smile Merlin had in years. Laughing, he stood and held his son and Alice, the daughter he never had. “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! When are you due, dear?”

“July, the 15th. We are so excited!”

“You already have names?” Merlin asked, curious now.

“Actually, yes,” Gaius said, still smiling and holding his wife’s hand. The two were so in love, it warmed the hearts.

“Hunith, and Freya for second.”

“Oh…” Merlin whispered. He could not say more, his emotions were overwhelming. A mix of happy and sad fighting inside him. “I… I love it.”

Months later, when he met his granddaughter, Merlin loved her right away. Freya left without a proper goodbye but now, there was this new life he welcomed with an open heart. His wife had been right, when she said happiness will always find her way to their lives.

“Hello Hunith, I’m your grandpa…” he whispered, the first time he held her. For a curious reason, he felt like laughing when he said these words. As if there was some sort of inside jokes happening. “I will always love and protect you.”

I’m so glad we meet again. I missed you, so much. I won’t abandon you this time. Please forgive me. Are the others coming too?

Unknowingly to Merlin, something in his soul clicked; something awoke when his subconscious realised his loved one were coming back to him. That day, Merlin started aging again.

#whumptober2020 #no.8 #don't say goodbye #abandoned #merlinbbc #merlin bbc #fic #sfw

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marshmallowprotection · 4 years

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Out of all the outcomes, it had to turn out like this? Its like whenever i finally start to feel happy, it always gets ripped away from me.But life isn’t fair, especially to runaways. I guess that’s why i opened the door to a strangers apartment. I remember the hunger pains I felt that day, I remember how cold it was sleeping outside. God that feels like ages ago, its hard to believe that I’ve only been with you all for only a few months. I remember meeting all of you for the first time, I was terrified but you all tried to make me feel the most comfortable I could be. I still Romberg that special knock seven used to let me know it was him and not some random stranger. I also remover that little lie he told me when I said I didn’t want anything to eat or drink,” I have a gift card that’s about to expire,” that never fails to bring a smile to my face. On the ride to the penthouse, seven told me to give jumin a chance, that he isn’t some cold, heartless Man. He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions.

Jaehee, god she was a life saver when i got my first period, I couldn’t thank her enough after she calmed me down and made me realize that I wasn’t dying. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it is natural and it is nothing to be ashamed about. She was the older sister I never had, taking me to get bras that actually fit, teaching me how to brew coffee, giving me girl advice, thank you so much for that. You are so amazing and I love helping you at your cafe.

Yoosung, I can’t believe how close we’ve gotten, you’re so fun and easy to chat with. You always help me take my mind off of my bad dreams by playing LOLOL together, well its more you playing the game and me pressing random buttons. And all the times you have helped me with homework questions, but i guess that’s a benefit of online school. You might get teased by everyone but you’re amazing, and kind, and I cherish our moments together.

Zen, you took on the role of an older brother the second you found out my age, and that I’m a runaway, but I guess it’s cause you’re one too. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. You reminded me so much of my older brother, but you and him are different people with different amazing qualities. You made me feel so safe, and I always had so much fun whenever you took me to rehearsal. I still smile and laugh when the lighting caption took me to their booth during lunch, while you were still practicing and let me use the spotlight, and I kept moving it around and you had to follow. That was so much fun. You were the first person who gave me a real hug in years, and I accepted it, it felt so good to be hugged with so much genuine care and affection that I cried in your arms. I know that you don’t always get along with jumin, but seeing you both try to get along for my sake warms my heart.

Seven, you were the first one I met. That first night I was at the apartment I know it was you who sent laundry detergent, shampoo, conditioner, food, tooth paste, a toothbrush, and other supplies I needed but didn’t have. You just didn’t want to take the credit. You were the first person in a long time to give me those supplies without a hidden motive. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, you arranged for me to stay with jumin until you all found a suitable home for me to live in(although that didn’t happen lol) you work tirelessly and put other before yourself, even though you love teasing yoosung everyone knows that you love him, not only him but everyone in the rfa. All those jokes and memes you send in the group chat are always hilarious, and all those times you broke into the penthouse at night to “play with Elly “ when it just by coincidence that i had a nightmare. We would always end up laughing so hard it hurts. You helped me in so many ways that I cant even name them all, thank you for always helping me.

Jumin, it has been a few months since you took me in, and those few months have made me the happiest I have ever been, without you and the rfa I dont know what would have happened to me, You took me, a runaway teenager, who you didn’t know, who was so reserved and barley talked, and you helped her. You turned me into the person I am today, and the person I am today is happy. You stood by me during the whole Glam and Sarah situation, and you didn’t even know me too well but you still protected me. You are always there for me during my nightmares. You even took me to see multiple types of doctors to make sure I was getting healthy, and to find out what steps to take to get me there, from setting reminders on my phone to eat, to getting me a weighted blanket so I could finally sleep through the night. You took on the parental role for a down on her luck runaway, and gave her a chance. I can’t ever thank you enough for that. I love you dad.

Sometimes I wonder what was going on in everyone’s heads when I popped up, but I just need everyone to know that I love them, so so much. Not many people can say that they got a second shot at having a family, but i did, and I love my family. You all showed me something I hadn’t felt since my brother died, love, affection, and a sense of belonging. Please, none of you blame yourselves for what happened to me.

Love, Bora Han.”

Hot tears streamed down Jumin face as he read Bora’s letter, the smell of disinfectant permeated the hospital room. The letter in one hand as the other gripped his unconscious daughters hand. The only comfort he found was the beeping of the heart monitor, telling him that his daughter is still alive. After four hours of emergency surgery on her shoulder from the fall she took, zen described what he saw as terrifying, unknown had a tight grip on the young girl, and threatening to take her away. Luckily bora kicked unknown in the shin and he dropped her. Unfortunately for bora, she landed on her arm, hard. Zen’s face paled as he recounted hearing the bone snap. She has a few stitches from scrambling on the floor to get to zen. She must have written the letters once we got news of the bomb in the apartment being controlled by unknown. It zen got her to a hospital just in time he is sitting on the chair across the room. He isn’t even supposed to be here, but all it took for the nurse to let it slide was some flirting, from his part. And I handed her more than enough money to convince her. All that matters is that my daughter is alive, and she is safe.

It was hours before I felt something squeeze my hand. My eyes meet a pair of purple eyes that look so insanely tired, they were already welling up in tears as zen rushes to grab a nurse and water.

“ hey duckling, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere,”

“ i-“ she starts to cough, which makes her groan in pain, the meds must be wearing off. A nurse runs in to check up on bora as zen holds up a cur of water and brings it to boras lips. She must be so thirsty, and she looks so scared, she hates hospitals but right now her safety it top priority.

“ I’m so sorry dad” she says crying. Stroking her hair I try calming her as much as I can without her being in more pain.

“Duckling, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, you were so strong, and you still are so strong. I promise I wont leave you alone here.” I say calmly, making her calm down a bit.

“ me too kiddo, I’m not leaving you here too,” zen says as bora struggles to keep her eye open.

“When can I go home?” She asks, looking down at the big white cast on her arm, I can tell she will be needing a sling.

“Hopefully tomorrow, when we get home how would you like to watch a movie marathon? We can get those snacks you like, the gold fish? How would you like a new blanket? Name what you want and its yours.” Jumin says to bora, she just smiles up at him, still pretty put of it from the pain meds.

“ no, I dont want you to spend money on me, can we watch a movie together? Please?” The sweet young girl says as jumin reaches over to kiss her forehead.

“Absolutely duckling, now you need to rest. We will both be here when you wake up,” jumin says as him and zen turn the lights off and lay down on their respective make shift beds.

I’m kind of glad that the lights are off, its so hard to see bora in a cast, she just looks so small in that big hospital bed, but she is safe, and alive. We can get through this, I’ll be there every step of the way.

I'm not crying, you are! Family coming together for her sake.

#mod kait #ask #anon #bora kim oc #runaway MC #long post

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