#how selfish to take time to myself

[ineed-to-sleep]

Blacked out in front of my tablet and woke up with sketches of my Touchstarved mc + Kuras my beloved. woops

#I found out dr. kuras is 6'6 I said hold on lemme get a stool so I can climb this man #touchstarved #touchstarved game #touchstarved kuras #kuras #sleepyscribble #oc.emma #my mc is meant to be a self insert but also like. I wanted to come up w a design and character arc and everything jkvkvk #so I ended up basing her on my personality/looks but taking her into a direction that would fit the game #she's like. me but 'characterized' and a bit exaggerated for the sake of being a character yk #the way she turned out is that she's basically a friendly happy go lucky mage who laughs at her own misery but hides #a deep layer of self loathing underneath all that bc of her curse #having been cursed all her life she believes she's a monster and the sunny personality is a way for her to 'make up for it' #but at the same time she feels like a farse. like she's only luring ppl in to an inevitable demise #and she thinks she's selfish bc despite knowing the danger she poses she still goes out there and puts herself among ppl #bc she craves human connection. even tho she feels guilty for 'indulging' in it #anyway I love the cursed mc concept in this game <3 it's been really interesting to think abt how that would affect someone #also I kept her physical features looking pretty much like mine #bc I wanted to draw myself in a cute way. teehee #but the clothing I was basically thinking like. early game simple clothing that she didn't rlly pick for herself #and maybe later I can have an updated design w something she would actually pick for herself

[haleyincarnate]

How else do you fill a void other than with darkness? How do you bend into the light and not burn completely? How do you hold a heart and not feel it struggling to beat?

#I get not wanting to start over and that time feels like it’s been wasted but that’s just how life goes #the ebb and flow the waves of change #you helped me realize what I wanted out of my life and for you to say it dumb is hurtful #you wanted to make me a housewife and I’m not accepting that as my future #as selfish as my little heart is I want to look after myself and take the path I believe I NEED not just want #and forcing someone into being what you want YOUR future to look like is demeaning #we can be sad all we want but that doesn’t mean this decision wasn’t a good one #hmh #hmhwriting #writing

[fennel-tea]

That Awful OTP Meme, or: my Binah/Hod manifesto

I originally posted this on twitter but while this is mostly tongue-in-cheek I actually have a lot of thoughts on these two that are generally summarized by [god DAMN I love the interplay of two people who are varying degrees of Terrible]

or just, like, a Hannigram meme.

#fennelart #project moon #binah/hod #lobotomy corporation #lobotomy corporation spoilers #the thing is that binah has never had regrets. binah has never had the time or desire to let herself have regrets #hod on the other hand is Full of them. she is someone who is trying very hard to be a good person #but is going at it from an entirely selfish direction (circa lobcorp) and just ends up completely sucking anyway #which is honestly part of her appeal to me? #i like the idea of them picking each other apart which is a thing that is extremely one sided at first because. it’s Binah #but even binah is still human albeit an extremely fucked up one and I think if hod manages to poke her head out of her own issues she could #start to see where the lines are #also she (binah) is locked in a basement and bored as shit and will take anything remotely interesting at this point #hence where I put her on the devoted scale versus indifferent #could you call it romance? #it’s not healthy in the slightest but no ship with binah involved is lmao #anyway this whole essay in the tags is mostly to say I’m proud of myself for the black damage joke lmao #periodic black damage and a -50% debuff to your stats. its the give and take you know how it is #shoutouts to the person writing binah/hod in the ao3 tag like two years ago you thoroughly infected my brain

[gingeredmink]

even when it's free designs it's so hard to justify sharing art when your mind is trying its best to convince you that you're just subjecting people to it and negatively effecting everyone.

probs gonna log off for a while, not handling how physically painful this is too well

Thank you to everyone that's tried to reach out.

I'm so sorry for being like this and making people worry.

#not art #rayns rambling again #negative #ask to tag #the amount of time thats just spent curled up in bed is laughable #hate how people are nothing but kind to me but it still ends like this #it feels like im taking advantage of people or dont care about others efforts #i genuinely appreciate how much people try to help and it truly means a lot #but im awful with words so it feels like any way i show that comes off as a lie or im faking #even better is feeling like i just emotionally manipulated people into feeling bad for me due to being selfish or something #the fact that id rather hurt myself than bother others in the slightest probs says a lot heh #feeling like you honestly dont deserve to be happy for a second is its own special kind of hell heh #wouldnt wish this shit on anyone

[carpisuns]

theOrEticalLy . if I opened commissions at some point. would there be. a smackerel of interest . ??

#i have never opened them bc it’s intimidating and I don’t know how to price things!! #but mostly bc i work full time w a good salary so I don’t really need side things to make money #like it feels selfish to suggest that people should pay me to make fanart?? When #a) I already do that for free bc i enjoy it lol #and b) there are so many creators out there who are struggling to make ends meet #and I am privileged enough to generally not have to worry about that #this would be just like extra spending money to fund my scented candle habit DHDJDN #and the clothes I just bought while trying to Discover My Vibe and Finally Be Myself (at age 28 lol) #also tbh it would likely be reinvested in other commissions bc I buy commissions fairly often lol #anyway. idk the idea of commissions always sounded cool but also guilt inducing and scary #it feels weird and silly bc it would make me have to take my art seriously if that makes sense?? #like me saying ‘I think I’m good enough at art that people would buy it from me.’ that feels so bold and like. arrogant or something dhjsjd #coming from me I mean. just a silly little guy who still struggles to draw human limbs properly #ok I’m thinking about how I’d have to make a commission sheet and put a dollar sign on my art and I’m aaaaaaa #and I’d have to execute exactly what people want and what if I can’t!!! #omg ok maybe noT help lol #well im not committing to anything rn im simply. asking a question while the dash is asleep and then running off to bed seeya #i think part of me always wanted to try commissions to see if I could be a Real Artist about it ?? #and potentially end up with like. Portfolio pieces ?? #why I would need an art portfolio I don’t know. I am an editor. What do I think I will be doing here #ppl left comments on my animatic that have been giving me crazy what if thoughts. sit down #don’t look at me #ohhh swirly brain thoughts I need to sleep

[cookinguptales]

Christ, I am so tired of people sending me messages, replies, etc. like "well, in my experience, performers never know if their venues are accessible! you should be contacting the venues instead!"

LIKE THAT'S NOT THE EXACT PROBLEM I AM DESCRIBING IN THE POST. Like I have never been to a fucking show before!

I am literally upset that they do not ask!!! And do not ask once they are asked!!! I am upset that they have the privilege to not ask and are happy to keep that privilege to themselves rather than even the playing field for the marginalized groups they claim to care about.

like??? Why are people asking like it's impossible to know these things??? Do they think that disabled performers never book venues? Do they think if you ask these questions you just drop dead?

Like at this point, the only thing more exhausting than the original issue is all the people showing up in my notes treating me like I'm an idiot for expecting the bare fucking minimum, which is businesses even knowing whether they're in compliance with the ADA or not before they take my money.

Jesus.

#I'm! irritated! #I swear this happens every time one of my disability posts gets bigger than I was expecting #people over here acting like I'm stupid or selfish for expecting people to care about accessibility #that's the exact attitude that's pissing me off! #like damn the lack of self-awareness is staggering #stop making my life harder and go google accessibility or something #the post was LITERALLY about how exhausting it is to have to do all this myself because I can't depend on the able-bodied for shit #stop proving my point and taking what very little spoons I have left #cw: #ableism #disability

[orbmanson7]

:(

Very bad grade in therapy today

#thought i could make progress this year and yet here i am having done jack shit by now #what has even been the point #i just wanted to do something today that didnt feel awful like try to encourage people to watch a show or play a game #and now im just right back to Why do i bother staying alive? im never going to make any progress #and even if i do I'm going to just be worthless the whole time and waste precious resources others could be using #oh yes just try saying a nice thing to yourself for once! yeah sure that will help when i cant do anything worth a damn #i want to help people but i have no skillsets and no money to further my education and teaching myself gets me right where i already am! #continuing like this is like spitting in the face of anyone who is actually out there pursuing their dreams and thats not fair to them #they put in all that hard work and im over here being a whiny ass bitch bc i want so badly to do better and learn more #but the only thing holding me back is that im a dumbass who cant do anything right and no one will ever think differently #why am i trying to make myself something i can never be? what is goddamn point if its just a waste of everyones time and effort #i just... it feels like the least i can do is just stop taking up space #free up some oxygen for someone who really needs it and shelter for someone who truly deserves it #i shouldnt even have these things and yet i complain about how much gas i have to pay to commute to my jobs #like such an asshole #and i said i so much in these tags bc im such a selfish jerk who coearly doesnt care enough nor has a worthwhile vocabulary to say otherwise #theres just no fucking point to any of this #... #its cold today #might be a good day to do my favorite plan #actually yeah fuck it im gonna go #hope you all stay kind to yourselves and enjoy your 2024 #you absolutely deserve it and everything you can get out of it #keep being amazing yall #see you on the flip side or whatever #orbs thought bubbles

[kidfoundonstreets]

i have so much hangouts its a little exhausting its fun dwdw just ahfh one finally screwed over another event (two times) in a clash and now i feel awful

#i hate untied ends. i hate how ppl can do favors or wait for you or do smth for you but youre on a limited like favor meter #and it can take damage every second. i lost a bit of those meters tonight even if they were relating to me. i could sense it maybe. #im a burden in general so i need to make up for it as much as possible. i need to stop being so selfish all the time. #im sorry im such a bad daughter. im sorry i screwed both of these two events over in one night and you have to reschedule them #you said it was okay and the other said they had fun but i still feel so uneasy. i hate this #i hate it #i hate myself #i just need toforget tyhsi i justneed to forgethtis i just need to rmemebr this is who i am and thisis who il lalwyas willbe #vent #i didnt mean to make it a vent sorries #i was too much and too inconsiderate with people who'll probably leave me in the end. #god #imjust #everythings my fuckign fault and i cant do anything but if i take responsibility in processing every single thing ill drown ill cut myself. #self harm #and if i do then ill finally be going off the deep end permanently.

[girlbob-boypants]

I do actually have a few different concepts for how I would personally rewrite IBS. The basic difference being "How far do I want to stray from canon?"

At minimum, Braham shouldn't have been done dirty and instead it should've been a contest of control. No beating him up for Problematique Writing Reasons but protecting him until he can regain control of the Destroyers so they focus on Frost Legion instead of attacking everyone.

But if I had my full way, he wouldn't have turned to Primordus like that at all, and instead would have gotten that story of being the Oathbreaker and redeeming himself as the Norn who should unite his people against their greatest threat. With Jhavi acting as a sort of representation of the Norn with how she views him changing over the story and the big deal being when she believes he can lead, showing that her view of him has gone from Oathbreaker to worthy of the title Hero of Legend through his actions.

Add in conversations with the Commander where he both expresses his feelings about his parents, and also talks about how he gets how hard our job is now that he's in a similar position. Make the false Destiny's Edge he left behind far FAR more important to the story (like have one of them be the last boss we fight before Ryland and Jormag levels important). And you've got a genuinely solid experience that doesn't trivialize characters, gives more breathing room for future stories, and doesn't add in so many plot elements we lose the focus and completely abandon the lesser developed races in favor of "now we can go to Cantha to get all our gw1 fans back yay!"

#girlbob.txt #gw2 #'but how would we handle primordus when the game says without jormag we can't stop him' #1. this is a video game and the writers can change things. retcons happen all the time. the 'one weakness' thing is a retcon itself #2. that's literally an excellent story device because it puts the asura in the perfect position to explore their strengths #especially with a certain asura on our team being fundamental to changing how we perceive dragons and magic in universe #now we have a norn/charr focused story specifically about how the norn have lost so much and the charr's war culture has led to this #and then a story after that's 'jormag forced our hand and we killed them wtf do we do now that primordus is waking up' #with a focus on a massively under developed race that NEEDED real screentime to explore their fucked up parts of their culture #and really put an impact on the 'elder dragons take so much from those they exist around' aspect #since in a well written story. taimi and braham would resonate over how much both of their cultures LOST due to the dragons #the game literally doesn't address just how much was lost when the asura had to fucking abandon their homes and come to the surface #and i think it'd be interesting if the game had explored the idea that the current society #is a result of their political leaders who were the most selfish surviving the exodus #and reframing it as their intelligence and how that makes them too valuable #but now i'm getting ahead of myself

[frekkicreative]

Feeling stretched thin, worn out, at my wits end, depressed as shit, and burnt out... and a good friend takes it upon themselves to overburden me with more. Come the fuck on and give me a goddamn break already! I want no part of this. Time to try to establish boundaries =/

#personal #venting #leaves me wondering how tf they got caught up in all this drama #It feels selfish but I need to take care of myself first #and its time I start advocating for those needs and stop letting others take advantage of me

[widevibratobitch]

aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol #anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly #but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size #acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years #and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating #(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive #when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time) #and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die. #and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well #and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom #and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao #like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is #anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus. #but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333 #god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by #but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr #anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help. #but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation. #i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

living with people who Walk Extremely Fast while needing time alone in the shared house spaces to do your basic selfcare/starting-the-day routines + having Trauma around being seen even fucking existing in shared spaces, including a long-ongoing and hefty dose of it from said people themselves, is a living hell actually. especially when they insist on constantly leaving doors wide open that would normally mitigate the house being a fucking panopticon and also give you like two seconds' warning that they're entering the space so you can brace yourself or leave. Hate

#moogletalks #me: starves myself for hours; takes my medication extremely late; and spends 90% of my time trapped in my bed with my health deteriorating #while waiting for people to Fucking Go Somewhere Else and Stay There for Like 20 Fucking Minutes Jesus Christ #me: finally either musters myself to tiptoe out and quietly go about my business because i thought they found somewhere else to be #or just fucking gives up and braces myself for sandpaper to my triggers + probably filling the Flip Out and Abuse Moogle meter a little more #housemates: GOD YOU'RE SO FUCKING LAZY RUDE AND SELFISH YOU JUST WANT TO HOG THE COMMON AREAS AND HAVE EVERY LITTLE THING HOW YOU WANT IT #YOU'RE COLD AND UNFRIENDLY AND ONLY WANT TO LIVE HERE LIKE A LEECH BECAUSE YOU STAY IN YOUR ROOM ALL THE TIME #BUT ALSO I HATE SEEING YOUR FACE AROUND AND YOU DON'T SPEND EVERY MOMENT I CAN SEE YOU ENTERTAINING ME OR BEING ''PRODUCTIVE'' #[MULTI-HOUR SCREAMING MATCH AND THREATENING TO MAKE YOU HOMELESS BECAUSE YOU HAD THE UPPITYBITCH AUDACITY TO ASK ME TO TURN A LIGHT OFF WHEN #I LEAVE A ROOM OR MAKE A LIST OF CHORES OR STOP TURNING THE THERMOSTAT TWO DEGREES PAST WHAT YOU CAN TOLERATE] #it's like fucking clockwork and i'm sick of it and when the people involved walk like they're training for the fucking olympics #and constantly remove or invade every single way for you to avoid them the tiniest fucking bit #it makes things a hundred thousand times more stressful!!!!!!! #and i KNOW most of these people would be doing the exact same thing with my bedroom if it was even slightly more socially acceptable #they would be straight up taking the bathroom door off its hinges so they can repeatedly walk in and out while you're trying to take a shit #it is a hundred thousand fucking percent a control thing and i hate it i hate it go AWAY. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY #abuse cw #ableism cw #venting cw #food insecurity cw #housing insecurity cw #traumatag #adventures in mental illness

[hatake]

.

#the thing about having a good therapist/doing effective therapy is like #i knew i was mentally ill before i got there and that my fam situation was fucked up #but the emotional disconnect from the reality of it all was so intense to cope with my situation #that so much of my stress and anxiety came from this false idea that i was selfish and nuts #for having completely reasonable expectations in a fucked up situation #i really underestimated the power of having someone recognize and acknowledge of ur suffering #like logically i've always known that concept to be true but i never really felt it until my current therapist #i feel like i've gained some genuine self esteem for the first time in my whole life #and it's so crazy how your emotions adjust when that happens #i'm so much more able to not try to take accountability for people who have wronged me #and so much more able to show myself compassion #it is wild❗❗❗

[endious]

it’s so frustrating being in a position where i dont have my own car i might just kms and be done with it all

#— rambles with cadie #im kinda joking kinda not #im just so tired of fighting and arguing. i dont have a god damn voice and when i do try to speak for myself i get manipulated and guilted #into shutting up and staying quiet on what i want. can i just be a little god damn selfish for once in my life ? is it #really that horrible of me to move forward in getting a job ? ‘how will you get there? no one can drive you i dont have time for it’ #thanks mom. you really are just the best person to turn to arent you ? i hope you fucking realize #how your words affect me mentally and emotionally. i hope you realize that #the second i have a chance to get the hell out of here i will take it and leave #god i hate it here so much. i cant fucking live i feel suffocated and i feel trapped #just wanna kinda die atp lmao. like what is the point in all of this

[b4kuch1n]

4, 11 and 13 for the ask game, pls! Thank you and have a good day!

ask game here!

4. Fav character/subject that's a bitch to draw

let's see we can list more of this! I draw birds and wings a decent amount and still every time I draw that I still have to look up one of those wing anatomy charts. I find I'm not well practiced with transparent materials yet, but I hope to get better at that in time. I'd like to get better at figuring out how to lay down a nature scene quickly too, I love to work with that in theory but in practice every time I draw that kind of background I had to stare at like eighty tabs of refs the whole way through. I'm such a city kid through and through...

I'm mostly blessed to not have to worry about hands and shoes too much, I usually have an okay time with them, but I do have days I call bad hand days and bad shoe days the way folks have bad hair days. sometimes even things I like drawing and usually have a good time with don't come out right! just gotta stand up and do something else for a bit

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

absolutely! especially nowadays. I rotate between my current favourite albums and youtube videos/stream VODs. the most consistent caveat is I cannot listen to anything with a plot. that will distract me way too much to draw at the same time.

I also call my friends and hang out in vc while drawing sometimes! especially if I really need to get something done. this is honestly the only way to subject me to new medias I don't know about

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn't your thing

ahh this is hard... I usually don't look too hard into things I don't actively care about. I guess I'd say the Phong Dương comic team, they're immensely talented people who practically carried Vietnamese comic on their back for a while, and I love Thành Phong's inking style, I just... can't read their comics. for some reasons. they just flow off the back of my skull! I still have all three volumes of Long Thần Tướng currently out on my shelf, but every time I try reading them they just don't stick. I'm honestly kinda mad abt this lol

#ask #bakuspeech #artist ask #thank you for the ask! #once again I am an intensely pleasure-oriented person lol. so I usually don't draw things I don't somewhat enjoy drawing #at most I suffer through drawing some objects that are necessary to the piece but I don't draw by themselves usually #but even those are often not hard to draw. just fiddly #the rest of art is a perfectly meshed cacophony of both joy and abject agony #say ''I enjoy drawing'' feels misleading. I do! but that's not even the half of it. drawing's like breathing to me #if breathing is vastly more costly and takes up much more focus and time. and also sometimes makes you mad #I enjoy drawing yeah. but more importantly I become kinda wrong if I don't draw. like I go bad like milk or produce #so yeah I'm already in This State just by drawing. might as well not make it hard for myself yknow #but also! I do genuinely think being indulgent is hugely important to art!! you need to be decadent and wasteful #and flippant and extremely selfish in your art. it's vital to your health #especially if you do art for a living. you need a space where you can be as indulgent as possible. #that's really my whole art philosophy lol. one it is always better to do art than not to do art. #two if your art is indulgent and self-entitled it inherently has value already. because it's serving something #<- once again rambling about how everyone should do some art #like. when I say ''drawing is like breathing to me'' I'm not lamenting the requirement #I think making funny shapes and funny noises is integral to being human. artists are not separate from humans #drawing well is overrated singing well is overrated. make shape now make noise now. for your health #this has been a PSA. thank u for the ask! fjshdfkdjsfh

[spocks-kaathyra]

worst part of being stressed is that it gives u so much to introspect about and no time to do that introspection

#seeing my worst traits come out and not having the time or energy to process that before having to move onto the next thing 👍👍 #can u tell finals week is kicking my ass. #I am the worst most selfish irresponsible immature person on earth + I will never be able to function in society #+ I will never be loved how I want + that's good and right bc it would be asking far too much + in fact it's immoral for me to want it #+ being unable to function is actually a moral failing bc it's not just hurting me but everyone around me #+ it's repulsive to them and it should be bc it's a morally repugnant trait #+ thinking this way is just another example of my self-centeredness and laziness and unwillingness to take responsibility for my actions #+ I resent these things abt myself but I'm not willing to put in the work to change them + that makes me the worst kind of person #omg this is soooooo grantaire core I'm so grantaire coded rn #anyways. time to go study for my math test tmrw :) #vent