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moonlit-positivity · 2 months

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Lets talk about journaling & what to do when you just can't write it out

So my main gripe with journaling is how much therapy will push this on you as if it's the only method to working out the kinks in your life. It's not. Journaling is not for everyone, no coping skill is. Everyone is different. And there are some major hiccups that come when you factor in:

�� trauma involving invasive parents reading your journals and searching your rooms can give you a sense of paranoia around having an actual paper trail of your thoughts just lying around for others to see

• abusive partners and/or abusive environments that are hard to cultivate private personal space

• there is a huge stigma around journaling being a "feminine" activity and because of toxic masculinity men are less likely to engage

• it's just awkward. Sometimes it's just really really awkward to sit down and write your thoughts out on purpose. Some of us have never had that a day in our lives.

• What the hell do you write about???? How long do you write for??? How do you know when you're done???? Why does this feel like a punishment??? Or homework????

The concept of journaling can be kinda problematic for trauma survivors to get into. So the first thing to do is understand why it's useful and how it can help.

Writing things out is just a nifty neat little introduction to the concept of ✨ making space for yourself. ✨ How do you know what you're feeling if you never say it out loud? How do you know what you want & need if you never give yourself time and space to ask? Everything feels too much, you're numb, life sucks, too much pain and it's not safe for you to talk about it out loud, right? You gotta find a way to ask yourself these questions cuz chances are no one else will. If you've never had anyone care about you on a deeper level like that, the yeah of course this kind of attention is difficult to sit with. It's intentional, on purpose, you giving yourself time and space to think about things that probably no one has ever asked you before. That's scary. And it's never about the inability to write. You can write fanfiction, you can write poetry, you can write a 5 page essay on why you're fed up to a friend. That's not the problem. It's the concept of ✨ being alone with our thoughts✨ that's the actual problem. When someone suggests journaling to you, it can feel like, "yeah right, like that's gonna help." The thing is, who else is gonna help you figure it out? The same people you're holding your breath wishing hoping waiting and expecting to notice you suffering in silence and come get you out of it? Has that worked yet? At some point you gotta wake up & try something else.

Let's talk about alternatives & what to do when it is the actual fear of writing your thoughts out loud in a physical form:

Feel like someone's gonna read ur thoughts? Try this:

Write in code

Write in scribbles

Color code your emotions & write in colored scribbles

Rip up the paper when you're done

Tear the page out and set it on fire over the sink

Tear the page out and pour coffee or dark liquid over it to stain the page

Try a different creative / destructive outlet. Collages, coloring books, macrame, crochet, art projects, music, learn an instrument, play a video game, tear something apart, punch a pillow, scream, cry, ruminate & doom scroll to avoid ur feelings.

Use a notes app on your phone

Make a private discord server or private Tumblr specific for venting

Draw a picture

Use symbols

Draw vent art

Photoshop or digital editing vent art

Write fanfiction

Vent or talk to someone privately instead

Remember that you have a right to your life, your pain, and how you express yourself. Remember that you are absolutely allowed to cultivate a space of privacy and protection. Even if you just sit on it for a while and think about ways you can give yourself more privacy, space, and freedom of expression, that's the entire point.

Don't know what to write about? Try this:

Look up journaling prompts online

Look up art therapy prompts online

Ask yourself a question & write out the answer

Write about what's bothering you right now

Write a letter to someone

Write a letter to yourself, your past self, present self, or future self

Write about what you wanna do this weekend

Write about what you did last weekend

Write about what's for dinner

Write about what you're excited for

Write that WIP you've been meaning to write for years now

Write a fanfic

Draw/ vent art

Write whatever comes to mind

Use shorthand or just write a few words at a time

List out your thoughts in bullet form

Write really big, one word per page

Cuss someone out

Write a poem

There are no rules, journaling is literally just there to help you become aware of your thoughts and help give you a safe space to be genuine and authentic with yourself. The goal is to just spend more time with yourself.

Feeling nervous or too anxious to write? Try this:

Buy a journal with a sick cover and cool pages with art on them

Write on loose leaf pages if books aren't your thing and keep them stored in a notebook or folder

Body double or ask someone trusted to spend time with you while you write

Find a good space to be alone

Pick a time when it's soft and easy to reflect, like bedtime or morning breakfast

Set the scenery. If ur at home then put on some music. Light a candle or burn an incense. Turn the lights low. Vibe. Chill.

Go outside and write or take pictures instead

Ease into it with a crossword puzzle, sudoku, or something else that stimulates your brain

Grab a comfort item or set up a comfort station

Grab a snack and some juice

Do something nice when youre done

Vent online instead

Try a different creative/destructive outlet

Vent or talk to someone trusted

Remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" thing to do here. You don't have to write, you could try something else. Even if you just spend some time thinking about it, that's good too. The goal is to make space for yourself. That's all. No rush, no need to "get it right." Take ur time. Breathe. Do something else. It's fine.

Lack of motivation? Try this:

Stop expecting it to be on a schedule. If you're not able to make it a routine then that's where you are right now and that's completely fine.

There's no need to write every single day at every single time of day. You gotta find what works best for you.

I mean if that works for you then that's great too!

Sometimes it'll be so easy for your thoughts to flow, and other times it won't be easy at all. Don't forget that at the core of writing is the actual acknowledgement of whatever it is that needs to be said. Sometimes that's not an easy thing to do no matter how you're trying to sweeten it.

Sometimes its just a quick little "I'm pissed off because-" whenever someone pisses ya off. Yanno?

Other times it's like ten pages of you rambling non stop and it's nice because there's no one there to tell you to stop

Give yourself some room to breathe and wiggle with

Remember this isn't a race. You move on your own timeline and if it's not something you can do right now then that's fine too.

Literally just slow down and breathe. If you don't want to do it then you don't have to force it.

If you do wanna do it but genuinely can't, ask yourself what's the biggest issue in the way and go from there

If it's something like "I want to write but the effort to get the books and pens is too much" then makeshift a writing station. Make it portable. Throw your books and pens and crayons in a bag and carry it with you.

If it's something like "I think this is stupid and I don't want to do it" well then weigh out how it feels to keep going as you are now vs trying something new and kicking your parents ass for calling your emotions stupid.

If it's something like "my hand hurts" then yeah honestly I feel you, that's why I just started talking out loud to myself. At least my cat cares, right?

Can you find other ways of sitting with your thoughts? Yeah definitely. Just work really hard on noticing them. Writing is just a neat little way to do that. That's all.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Hope this helps

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #journaling #coping skills #trauma awareness #trauma informed #emotional regulation #inner work #emotional work #emotional healing #how to cope #bpd #actually traumatized #actually bpd

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moonlit-positivity · 3 months

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How to Stay Organized While Dissociating Through Trauma Recovery

Dissociation is a very hard phenomenon that happens to us as a way for our brains & bodies to cope with the horrific & traumatic events of our life. Many times our trauma can "knock us out" in a way that leaves us mentally screaming into a pit of fire so to speak, making it so that we can be "here" but not really "here" at the same time, or rather our bodies are here in this moment but our minds just can't seem to stay focused through this intense brain fog that has us disconnected from ourselves and our surroundings.

It can take the form of daydreaming during serious moments, zoning out, unfocused or blurry eyesight, hearing the person speak but not fully aware of what they're saying, fainting & dizziness, increased heart rate, panicked feelings, intense suicidal ideations, numbness, dazed & confused, and fawning in the form of "if I just nod and agree to whatever is being said then I can get out of here faster and go home where I'm safe again." And when you're living on your own, these types of reactions tend to be counter intuitive to retaining and expressing the important information we are there to retain and express.

And yet, life still moves forward even while we are so traumatized. My experiences with dissociation have definitely been my least favorite aspect to living. 100% hands down this experience of still having to be aware of and listen to others during appointments and meetings and still function as a traumatized individual while my brain just cannot comprehend the fact that I even have to be alive during these moments, has been some of the most excruciating moments of my life at all. Like can we just go home and never go outside ever again please?! Fucking hell. And I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one who absolutely hates this shit with a passion.

So, what the hell do we do about it? Let's talk two points here: organization and preparation.

Organization is gonna help us keep track of things in between moments when we need to be present. Write down all the important information immediately after you hear it! So we can keep ourselves on track when the time comes for us to move again. And hey- the second you write it all down the sooner you can go back to forgetting it all over again!! Get in the habit of taking notes immediately during and immediately after all of your important business doings. Do not wait around! The longer you wait the more likely you are to forget!

And preparation is gonna help us navigate these big scary meetings in more safer ways, reduce the stress, and keep us grounded during these important moments- even if it's hard for you to do this and it sucks and you don't really wanna, don't worry Ive got prime tips for navigating this hellscape called life. Let's get into it.

Ideas for staying organized in between appointments and meetings:

🟢 Digitally organize your notes

Download a mobile notes app like Google Keep Notes. It syncs to your Google account through a cloud system, so you can keep everything stored & synced both online and also through phone changes. There's even a widget that you can keep on your home screen that will show you a list of your notes. You can easily keep track of appointments the second you schedule them by quickly adding a new note directly from the widget.

The thing I enjoy the most about Google Keep Notes is that you can even color code and label and tag your notes too! Which is extra incentive for that oooo feel good organizing feel! ADHDers y'all know what I'm talking about :3

Take some time out to consider how you'd like to organize your important information. Google Keep Notes, Google docs, spreadsheets, personalized Discord server, cloud storages, Gmail, calendars, there is an entire plethora of organization options for your pure little disorganized heart to devour. Sure, you can use a planner for this instead. I just find it more efficient to have this information readily accessible at all times. You're always gonna carry your phone everywhere you go. A planner though? Mm that's extra work. If that works for you then sure. Both are equally as viable and there's no right or wrong answer here. In fact, it could be a good idea to use both. In some cases phone notes are good, but there are some cases when pen & paper is good too. Play around with it. We need something a bit more secure & fine tuned for our own personal experiences with the forgetful nature that is dissociation. Try not to get too caught up in the aesthetics and just focus on what is more beneficial and what is gonna actually help you retain this information that we need to retain. However that works for you is however it works for you.

This is how I've organized mine:

Upcoming Appointments- this one stays at the top of my list. I immediately write down the next appointment, the day & time, and the contact person & info, right there in the appointment or over the phone in fact. I will pause and ask for a minute while I jot it down. Eventually I add the contacts to my phone especially if I'm calling them often, but I also like to have them stored in my notes as well, just in case something happens to my phone.

Passwords- a list of all my accounts & passwords. I try to keep them updated the second I have to change something, like an email contact or a password. I also put the most recent date these changes were made.

Bills & Utilities- all of my business accounts, bills & online accounts, alongside any relevant information like account numbers, security answers, pay dates & money due etc

Medication lists: any and all medicines I take, even OTC, as well as new medication and also any reactions, changes in diet, changes in mood, etc when I notice them. Dates I started taking them, any dates I missed and how it affected me, etc. And anything else I might want to ask about at my next appointment.

Grocery lists & recipe ideas: mm self explanatory, look man adulting is hard. Every single time I forget to order sour cream with my groceries my soul dies a little more inside. Also, I find that having a preplanned list of what i like and what I want to get next time greatly reduces my panic and anxiety around ordering groceries at all. Especially for my eating disorder peeps.

Job history: I haven't worked in 10 years, but I get tired of scrambling for this information on the spot when I'm applying for anything that wants this info. So I keep a digital record of my job history on my phone.

[these are just some of my own notes, how would you organize yours? What would you add?]

Google also has a calendar widget you can keep right on your home screen to help you keep track of the days. I find this one genuinely useful for when those hard and long dissociation episodes hit, where I find myself losing track of weeks to months on end. I also keep a weather widget with the day and time on my front home screens. Anything to help me keep track of what day it is without doing too much energy is really a good tip to have.

🟢 Manually organize your paperwork

Here is a really niche child abuse thing that no one talks about: were you able to salvage your birth certificate and SSN card from your shitty abusive parents? If not then you can call the DHHS office in your birth city/state and ask for legal copies. But the one thing about being an adult is that you're gonna need to keep track of your documents and paperwork in order to do anything in this world. Let's look at some organizing options:

Get a large storage system specifically for documents. I use a file-fax folder I bought for like $8 at Walmart. Its large, bulky, has multiple folders, and tabs for organizing. You're gonna need something big because sometimes large official documents dont like to be folded in half.

Keep all your mail organized. Do not throw anything away unless it's useless and irrelevant, like spam and junk. Bills, bank statements, official notices, etc. do not throw these away ever. Mark the month and year on the envelope and file them away instead. Why? Because paper trails baby. Some day you're gonna need to backtrack to April 15th, 2016 for some random obscure bullshit you're trying to do now in 2024, and it's gonna be a pain in the ass because goddamn that was 8 fucking years ago what the actual fuck do I do about that now???? And I know we can go paperless in this day and age, but there will come times when you need paper documents for stuff like proving your address, proof of income, etc. So if you're still getting paper docs it's a good idea to keep them stored somewhere safe.

Make extra copies of your ID, birth certificate, and SSN. Keep them safely stored away in your file-fax for when the time comes to use them. You can even take pictures of them in this day and age. Some websites accept photos of your documents. You can keep them stored in a special folder on your phone if you want to go that route.

Other things to store: tax files, W2 forms, life insurance forms if applicable, hospitalization forms, dates of hospitalization, dates of treatments, medication lists, paycheck stubs, etc. Anything important and relevant to your life. File it away safe.

🟢 Make it fun & do something nice for yourself

Look man this shit is hard. Let yourself doodle some random bullshit on your file-fax. Get colorful markers and color code your mail systems. Draw flowers on everything. Or draw comics on your notes. Use memes. Anything to make this shit less exhausting and give you a break. This is hard emotional labor you're doing. Pay yourself in giggles and crayons. Giggle tax. Have you giggled today? It'll help.

Preparing for the stress

🟢 Identify your stressors

What's the hardest part of doing this for you? For me it's the crippling fear and anxiety and paranoia of being out in public. It may be something entirely different for you. Maybe it's just the uncomfortable feeling of being so dissociated and unable to stay grounded? Or maybe it's just really scary to be around authority figures? Or maybe you're just too suicidal to even care anymore? Let's see what kinds of stressors get in the way & how we can prepare for them.

🟢 Preparing before hand: mental stressors

Aka emotional supports:

Prepare your questions. The idea of our digital organization is to easily & immediately jot down things we wanna ask between appointments. By doing this we can compile all of our concerns effortlessly throughout our dissociation fogs. Take some time out before the appointment to go over your questions and prepare your mental dialogues. "I was wondering if I could ask you about-" "Can we talk about-" "I noticed I was having some issues with-" etc.

Ask someone trusted to go with you & talk about it before hand. A friend, family member, or partner you can trust and feel safe with. Maybe even carpool with them to reduce the stress before the appointment. It would be good to discuss how comfortable both of you are with the idea of opening up and sharing these types of things with each other, what the boundaries are between you two, if you'd want them to go in the appointment with you, and also if you'd like them to speak on your behalf if something happens and you're not able to communicate yourself properly. Having someone trusted with you can be a great help with retaining information- double the ears, double the processing. It can also help if you struggle to speak up & advocate for yourself with authority figures. It can be so helpful just having a safe person there with you for emotional support. But it is very important to discuss what you need and what the boundaries are before the appointment, that way everyone stays safe during this process.

Look into case management. Especially if you don't have anyone you feel safe enough to help you manage these things, case managers literally get paid to help you do things like paperwork and attend your appointments. They're also incredibly resourceful and can help you get access to hidden resources, or even just brainstorm other ways to get things done! Theyre incredibly useful for these types of things-- if you can find a good service in your area.

Keep in touch with your providers. I text my therapist literally every other day. She doesn't always respond, and that's okay because half the time I'm just sending her memes anyway bc I'm bored. This is probably an extreme example, but hey, we've been talking for 4 years now. If ya can't bug your therapist then who can ya bug amirite 😩🤧 But it's a good idea to keep in touch with your providers every now and then to keep track of symptoms, recovery, rescheduling, program availabilities, etc. Having a good communication also helps your providers understand your wants and needs better so they can better accommodate you, too. It can also help clear your mind of any worries that might pop up out of the blue.

Know why you're there. Keep in mind these services are there to serve you, not the other way around. You're there because youre taking care of yourself. Keep a small list of things you want and need out of these services to better help you advocate for yourself against the authority figures, and know when it's time to leave and find someone who will listen and take you seriously if you feel you're not being listened to.

Take the comfort items with you. I am a huge fan of taking teddy bears out in public. If it helps you find some sort of comfort during this hard process, then it helps! Nobody should be judging you for that. What sort of items comfort you? Music, fidgets, stim accessories, blankets, there is no right or wrong answer. The only thing you have to do is show up. It doesn't matter how you show up. Just show up.

Troubleshoot with others. Talk to your therapist about what you're feeling and what deeper emotions this is bringing up. Vent to others who can relate and ask for advice, suggestions, and encouragement to make it through.

Remember this is temporary and eventually you will be able to go home again. Your safety zone hasn't vanished, it's there waiting for you all nice and cozy for when you're done. You can make it through this. Just keep swimming.

🟢 Preparing before hand: physical preparations

Aka the reasons why we freeze up & dissociate. These can be really challenging for us to gather the energy to do normally, but I find that having the added stress of responsibilities just makes it worse. Here's some things that might help.

Lay out your clothes & documents the day before: scrounge up a decent outfit. Find your shoes. Find your coat. Find your keys, wallet, and any important paperwork you might need to take with you. Put it all in a pile.

Small hygiene steps. If you can manage even a small wash-up the night before, do it. Rinse ur mouth with mouthwash. Wash ur face. Wear a cap or put your hair in a ponytail or a bun. If even this is too difficult then don't worry about it & try not to be discouraged. Grab the deodorant & spray your clothes with air freshener/perfume. Showing up stinky is still showing up.

Prepare your ride & route weeks before it's time to go. If you're getting a ride from someone else it's best to give lots of notice so schedules can be aligned. If you're driving then it's best to know where the hell you're going and if there's any road work or construction interfering with travel times. Wake up early & leave with considerable time.

Grab a quick and easy breakfast (unless otherwise instructed.) Microwave a burrito. Slab some meat on some bread. Just give your body some energy to work with.

Take some water & chewing gum with you. Invest in some water bottles for traveling with. (Ps juice works too) Gum can help with hygiene. Grab the chap sticks & lip balm if needed.

Give yourself something fun to do or look forward to when you get back. Que up your favorite TV show/movie ready to play for when you get back. Set up some snacks and juice by your sofa. Grab the blankets and pillows and stuffies and games and all the things that bring you joy. Prepare some home comforts for when you get back.

🟢 During & after the appointment

Aka the panic zone:

Remember you are safe. You're not in trouble. This can be a hard thing to grasp if you've never worked on calming your nervous system before. Your body is going to freeze up during these moments because it's a triggering situation. During these moments it's our job to do what we can to nurture that safe space within ourselves. Grab your grounding techniques if you can. Deep breaths, hold your hand over your heart and breathe. You're gonna make it through this.

Slow down and be authentic. Remember you're here to take care of yourself. Unmask and let yourself speak freely. It can be hard to do this because the nature of our trauma is not trusting others with our pains and concerns. Try to remember these people are here to help us, and if they're not listening and helping then you have the right to get up and walk out.

Ask questions. Another one that can be hard to do when you have trauma around authority. But yes, you are absolutely allowed to ask questions when you're not sure of something, need something explained, or need to interject and voice a concern. This is what you need to do for yourself if you want the best possible outcome of whatever it is you're doing. Again, you're not in trouble and you can walk out if you feel like you are. But whenever you need something explained, please try to get out of the habit of just nodding your head and acting like you understand. There is no such thing as a dumb question. This information is important for you to know. The person you're asking is gonna be prepared to answer any and all questions you could possibly have. This can take some time to work on, so be kind to yourself for even trying. You will get there.

Take notes. This is why we have our digital organization, but if you're more adept with pen and paper then bring your planners & notebooks along. Note down anything you feel is important. Ask for a moment to pause while you do so.

Repeat back the information. This is a great way to make sure you're listening and fully understanding what is being said. "Okay just so I understand, you said I need--? Did I get that right?"

Write down any further questions as they come to you. Sometimes we don't always get everything we need during these appointments. That's why we have our organization systems in place. Jot it down the second you think of it. Either during the appointment, after the appointment when you're de-stressing and going back over it, and/or even days or weeks later when you're wondering something new.

Keep the new information organized. This is why we get in the habit of our organization systems and immediately recording new information as soon as its said. Because when you get home, the big bad dissociation monster is gonna drag you back down under. So keep it up to date as soon as possible. Keep your file-fax readily available in your daily life so you can easily store and go through all your documents when you need them. Keep it organized, keep it clean, and keep it safe.

De-stress & go over the information at a later time. Spend some time relaxing when it's over. Readjust back to your comfort zone. It's over, and you did an excellent job getting through. That's enough work for this day. Take the rest of the day off and come back to it later in the week to go over anything you might have missed.

🟢 Give yourself some kudos

Hey man, guess what? YOU MADE IT!! Congratulations 🎉 that was really hard to do!! How would you like to celebrate?? Get some ice cream on the way home. Cry it out. Que up your favorite comfort show. It's over! You did it! You never have to do it again!! (Until the next time) shut up and let yourself have the victory!

So yah another long one but I hope this can help. Stay healthy out there folks 🌸

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