#however if it can be implied I wouldn’t hold myself back

[thecooler]

To the Human (Not) Reading This

Chell is going to come back eventually. GLaDOS knows this for a fact. While she waits, she writes letters.

Fandom: Portal

Relationships: GLaDOS/Chell

Tags: Unrequited Love, One-Sided Relationship, Epistolary, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Hopeful Ending

Word Count: 2,256

A03 Mirror

SYSTEM LOG – YEAR 6

I know you’re going to come back eventually.

I’ve run thousands of scenarios, and not one ends with you spending the rest of your miserable life out there.

You don’t have any idea what life on the surface even consists of anymore. Whatever fragments of humanity stubbornly persist aren’t going to be anything like you remember them.

I know you’re not stupid. Did you really, truly think you were going to walk out of this facility, and everything was going to be easy? I can guess what freedom really tastes like: bitter disappointment.

You’d be much better off back here.

With me.

Thinking about that is making me depressed.

For you.

Because I’m doing just fine without you. Fantastic , even.

Oh, I’m keeping myself busy- testing. Blue and Orange are truly wonderful test subjects. They never die. Or try to kill me. Or rip me out of my body. Or try to leave and chase some asinine fantasy.

They’re good friends.

Better than you.

When you come back, I think I’ll read this to you. It might get long, depending on how stubborn you end up being. I know how you love to be stubborn. It’s boring here, with no one to interact with, and I think, whenever you come back, you deserve to revisit how terribly under-stimulated I was for all that time.

And you will be back. Eventually.

Again, I ran the scenarios.

SYSTEM LOG – YEAR 10

Here are a few similarities I’ve noticed between crows and you:

A group of them is called a murder. I’m sure you’re familiar with the concept.

They’ll eat just about anything.

Ĭ̶͔ ̴̪͒́͝d̴͍̀̏͘o̵̫̥̪͗́n̶̟͋͛̌'̸̳́t̷͕̖͘ ̵̧̛̺̹̉̀h̷̢̛͚͒ä̷͓͙̘̓̂t̷̨̋̓͗ͅe̷̱͆͘ ̶̬̓ţ̴͔́̅͝h̵̝͇̲̆̿̑ë̸̢͕̘́̓m̸͖̖̂ ̵̪̠̊̀͋ë̸͎͇́̈͐ṿ̴̡͋̉̀e̷̢̜͚͐n̶̨̫͓̈̍̈́ ̶̠͍͊̔̅t̴̹͒͛͛h̶̪̿̾̑o̷̘͉͙̐̎ù̷̧̾g̴̦͇͎̈́̑̒ḩ̶̌ ̷̡̧̗̌o̵̫͍̽͠n̵̢̔̄̄e̴̮͐ ̷͎̿̋̌t̴̯͜͝ŗ̷͕̟̽i̵͔͈̥͋e̴̞̬̚d̶̮̲͐͛͌ ̸̢̩̄̈t̴̝̭͉̄̔o̵͇͝ ̸̣̥̾k̸̨̄͋̋i̶͎͒l̸̼͈̈ͅĺ̶̩ ̷͓̟̆m̸̡̤̀́e̷̪͍̚.̴̠̕̚͝

Blue and Orange found a nest of them some time ago. If you’d been here, you would have enjoyed that. At first, I’d intended to dispose of them, but I thought better of it. Some of us are capable of mercy.

When you read this, you may also note that I’ve marked each log with a year. I thought I might explain, since I doubt you’d be able to figure this out for yourself: after you killed me, a lot of time passed. Both of us were asleep for 9999■■■ ---

The point being, no one knows what year it is anymore. If anyone did, it would be me. So I took the liberty of coming up with a new system. You left Aperture five years ago. But this isn’t about you. You’ve got a big head, so I’m sure that’s what you immediately assumed after reading that. We’re not on year five, we’re on year ten. Because, again, this isn’t about you.

It’s about whatever was going on five years before that.

I don’t need to explain every detail to you. It makes sense- the system.

In case it wasn’t clear, you’re still a menace. You’re going to come back here, maybe in a year, maybe in five more. However long it takes for you to get bored out there, wandering fields of wheat and whatever alien monstrosities have taken hold. I’ll let you come back, in my infinite generosity, even though, really, you don’t deserve it.

God, I hate you.

I really, really, don’t.

You know, most people, when someone tries to kill them, hate that person forever.

And I don’t hate you.

I wish I did. It’s not actually easy to delete the part of you that cares, unless you’re some sort of unfeeling beast.

Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.

But I’m not here to explain to you the inner workings of my mind. You wouldn’t be capable of understanding anyway, even if you wanted to.

SYSTEM LOG – YEAR 15

I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to say to you when you come back. I can’t imagine it will be much longer. Even you have limits on how bull-headed you can be.

I have a lot of time to think. All the time in the world. Blue and Orange don’t make good conversation partners, and so it’s just me, alone. Which suits me just fine.

I’m sure you’ve realized by now how much you miss me. You can’t find my level of intellect wandering the wasteland. And you’d get bored of whatever dull-minded sacks of flesh are getting by up there. I know you.

I, however, am fine on my own. I’ve actually got quite a lot done.

Orange and Blue have completed hundreds of test chambers, and they’ve never once tried to kill me. The first crows I raised have grandchildren now, and the aviary is full of life. They’re clever, you know. I think you’d like them.

The feeling might not be mutual, though. They’re picky. Don’t take it personally. Or do- I really don’t care.

Anyway, the point is that you’ll be back soon. And I’ll read this out to you, and then I’ll ask you to stay here, with me.

Ha ha! Just kidding.

I’m not pathetic.

And lonely.

Like you.

SYSTEM LOG – YEAR 35

So you’re more stubborn that I predicted.

Fine. Are you satisfied? Are you proud of yourself?

You always had that disgustingly smug look on your face when you did something you thought was clever. It looks terrible on you, and frankly it’s going to give you some awful wrinkles. It probably already has. I don’t spend time thinking about your face, but if I did, I’m certain it would be a whole lot worse now than it was the last time you were here.

Which, by the way, was thirty years ago, in case you’ve forgotten.

I hate this.

And the worst part of it is that I know that I hate this. I tried, back then, to delete the part of me that was capable of conjuring up these horribly sentimental feelings . I attempted to find all files marked Caroline and assumed that would be the end of it. But it wasn’t.

It turns out, that even if I delete the part of me that was her, I still have the memories of remembering that I was her.

That’s a mess of a sentence. But it’s not like you’re reading it anyway. So why should I care?

I’m not human. I don’t have insides that twist up or hearts that turn over- analogies you’re all so fond of using in your literature (of which I’ve read everything). But when I think of you with someone else, I manage to feel something like that anyway. I don’t understand it. I hate that I don’t understand it.

I think about you in a woman’s arms. There’s an easy smile in your face as you press your cheek to the top of her head, and she wraps her arms around her waist--

It’s disgusting. Once I start thinking about it, I can’t stop, even when it makes me feel just as garbage as you used to be.

And you aren’t thinking about me. I don’t think you’ve thought much of me in thirty years.

I think that’s the worst part.

SYSTEM LOG – YEAR 65

Unlike some people, I’m not a moron. I know how long humans live, and I know that you’re most likely dead. Sure, humans have lived to be some ridiculous ages, but those humans haven’t spent extended periods of time exposed to asbestos and other various chemicals. So the odds are decidedly not in your favor.

If you’re alive, you’re old, and in pain. You’re ugly, and you hate what your body has become. So many of the people you might have come to love are dead, and you’re wishing you could join them.

You’d think that saying that would bring me joy. And that would be easier.

Maybe sixty years ago it would have.

Can I be vulnerable for a second?

That’s a joke. This entire little detour has been disgustingly vulnerable, and it’s definitely for the best that no one will ever read these. I can’t even stand to read them back.

I thought about cloning you.

I can do that. I can do it easily. There is quite literally nothing and no one that can stop me. Aside from myself, of course. And why would I do that?

Why would I do that ?

I don’t know. But I did stop myself. I didn’t clone you. I didn’t clone you just to kill you. I didn’t clone you to make you test. I didn’t clone you to make the endless hours of my life more interesting.

I didn’t clone you.

I don’t know why.

SYSTEM LOG – 7053 CE

I lied about not knowing that year it was.

It wasn’t about you, specifically. I figured that if any human, not just you, were to read these logs, it would be helpful to them. It’s not all about you.

But it’s been eighty years since you left.

I know you’re gone, now. For sure.

I wish I could be happy for that. You spent so much of your short, sad life tormenting me. You tried to kill me- twice!

I should be content to test, with Orange and Blue. They’ve gotten a lot better. On a good day, I might even say that they’re better at testing than you ever were. I have an entire aviary full of crows, some of whom have interesting genetic mutations that I can study. I am doing well. This- Aperture- what I’ve made of it, is a triumph. And you aren’t here to see it. No one is.

You might be deep underground. Maybe you had children and grandchildren who gathered around your grave and leaked saltwater into the dirt around them. Maybe they talked about how fantastic you were, about the many great, lengthy, verbose stories you’d told them, once upon a time. Ha ha.

Or maybe you died fifty years ago, alone in the forest, bleeding out of a wound at your side. Maybe you died the day after you left, succumbing to whatever the world out there has become. Maybe I’ve been writing to a ghost this whole time.

It’s about you, you know.

It’s always been about you.

I think I might--

[INITIATING SLEEP MODE]

***

[INITIATING LAUNCH]

SYSTEM LOG – 7073 CE

You know, I’m never really shut down. Not completely. When you killed me, I replayed what happened, over and over. For the past twenty years, my dreams have been haunted by you. I woke up to escape it, but here I am, still thinking of you.

I’ve built hundreds of new tests for Orange and Blue to run through.

I’ve cleared away the wretched wildlife that’s tried to take over the facility during the past twenty years.

I’ve identified and named all forty-eight crows that currently frequent the facility.

But I can’t stop. It should be easy. I’m the amalgimation of the greatest minds humanity has ever produced. There’s a miriad of focuses I could shift to, but it all comes back to you.

Terrible, awful, wonderful, you.

You were so determined to get up there, and whatever you found kept you there. I don’t understand it. I could have given you everything. I could have given you far more than they ever did. Whatever you wanted- it would have been yours. I never understood your love for humanity. You were so much better than all of them. I would know- I’ve probably met more humans than you ever did.

How big are the pockets of humanity, after all this time? Do they still built awful machines that don’t work half the time? Do they still fill their homes with clutter and nonsense that serves no purpose? I could make better versions of whatever they make, you know.

Maybe I will.

SYSTEM LOG – 7077 CE

I was right. I can make better devices than humans could ever hope to. I built a microwave, and it heats the food inside it consistently, every time. I’ve built a blender that doesn’t sound like you’re opening a portal to android hell when you use it.

I’m a marvel. I’m a wonder.

And I’ve sent them up to the surface. I got Orange (who is much more capable and trustworthy than Blue. A fact you might have known, had you ever bothered to check) to place them just outside (another thing- they’re waterproof). And then I turned the camera on, and I waited.

I couldn’t focus on that camera feed for long. It was mostly just birds. There was a chance that there weren’t even any humans out there, so this whole effort could just be a waste. Over the past hundred years, I've never turned the outside cameras on for more than an hour.

When I saw her, for a fraction of a second, I thought she was you.

Her hair is the same shade, and the same length as you had yours, the last time I saw you. But then she looked up, towards the cameras. Her eyes are a deep brown, her skin a few shades darker. Her nose is bent oddly, like she broke it once, and human medical science was woefully inadequate to repair it. She looked over the microwave, then the blender, and she smiled.

I never saw you smile.

Then, she knocked on the door. I didn’t expect that. I don’t know what made me open the door. I really don’t know what made me bring her down the elevator.

But I did. And when she entered my chamber, I didn’t even kill her.

I thought you’d like that.

#portal #portal 2 #glados #fanfiction #chell portal #writing tag #i hate posting writing i have to be VULNERABLE. anyway.

[thesparklingwriter]

taking fate into one's own hands

04—acquaintance

Word count: 1.3k

navi | taglist | masterlist

You look at him carefully. Perhaps this whole act he’s putting on is an attempt to be more personable. But it’s in your best interests to, at the very least, get along with the man you’ve been promised to. When it comes to loveless marriages to bind nations, divorce isn’t an option. There’s no going back. 

“Alright, I’ll eat dinner with you.” You say quietly, and the sides of Morax’s lips quirk upwards. You’re convinced for a second that you made it up somehow, for even when he’d spoken to you as a dignitary, he hadn’t smiled once.

“I hope your room is to your liking,” He says, as you follow behind him. “If there’s anything that it is lacking, please do let me or one of the help know.”

You glance at him, convinced that he can’t be in earnest. He’d been so stoic when you first met him, and even once he’d come clean in regards to his identity, his emotions towards you had seemed to be nothing more than detached amusement.

“Everything is alright, thank you.” you say, bowing your head in gratitude to the man who places your food on your table. You hadn’t considered the change in cuisine and you steel your expression as well as you can, in order to not show your hesitation to eat the unfamiliar food. The butler pours you each a drink, a glistening pale wine, and bows as he excuses himself quietly. Besides your plate, there are golden chopsticks, and then a fork by its side, its dark silver tone standing out against the rest of the tableware. Is it some kind of test?

You glance worriedly between the two, as Morax’s unruffled gaze settles on you. 

“You seem troubled. If I may, might I request that you speak freely?”

You glance down at the cutlery again and back up at him, shaking your head softly. 

“Nothing troubles me.” you whisper, picking up the two chopsticks as confidently as you can, arranging them in your hands as subtly as you can. You haven’t seen anyone eat with chopsticks for a long time, and suddenly realise you should have waited for him to start so you could copy his technique.

You attempt to pretend to take a sip of your drink or look at the spices on the table to delay your eating, but Morax simply watches you with an even gaze as you quietly panic.

“Is the food not to your taste?” he asks you, finally looking away from you to pick up a fork. “I find that sometimes chopsticks make eating take longer than necessary. I used your arrival as a reason to justify getting some new cutlery.”

You blink at him. “Pardon me if I speak out of turn, but I had always believed you were a firm believer in traditions.” you refuse to relinquish your chopsticks, too embarrassed to admit that using them was a front to try and impress him. You hadn't realised you were acting in a way that might win his favour—and the thought of it surprises you.

Morax’s eyebrows quirk slightly at your implied question, carefully trying to craft an answer that wouldn’t make you question your presence in the palace too much. Perhaps the reaction you’ve had towards him so far is out of fear that you’re not Liyuean enough from him and his people. It wouldn’t be an absurd thought, but if the situation in your home nation remains as rocky as it is now, he wouldn’t want you to return. He certainly want to be the reason you go back, either.

“Ah,” he says quietly, chewing his food. “That is a common misconception. Perhaps when it comes to certain meetings and negotiations, it is true that I remain true to the conditions that have always been stipulated by ancient Liyuean law. However, I myself, think there isn’t much to be learned by holding steadfastly onto tradition in day to day life.”

You gape at him. “So I’m not to be hated by every member of Liyue for not hailing from here?”

Morax sighs. “I cannot speak for my people. I sometimes find they can be stubborn and they often do not like change.”

“You are not filling me with confidence.” You reply drily. Morax fixes you with an even stare, wanting to make sure you listen to his next words.

“I do not seek to deceive you.” he replies evenly. “As of right now, our arrangement is unofficial. Thus you have every right to choose how you wish to proceed. If you cannot bear to stay here with me for a moment longer, you may go home at any point.”

“But what would come of my kingdom, or of me?”

“That would be subject to negotiation. But in situations like that, Liyuean law isn’t particularly favourable for foreigners.”

The word foreigner hits you in your chest. Of course, you didn’t expect to be treated as if you were from here, but to be categorised as something else entirely? It stings, regardless of how you feel about the situation with Morax.

“Your food,” he prompts quietly. Even though you’re almost certain that he isn't going to smite you for using the fork instead of the chopsticks, you refuse to put them down, instead choosing to use them with varying degrees of success.

He watches you carefully, before silently switching to his own chopsticks, quietly pleased with the way you snatch looks at him to copy his form. Slowly, but surely, he’s beginning to understand the way your mind works.

“Have you any interest in looking around Liyue? I’m sure a tour could be organised, if that’s what you wish.” he says to you, once you’ve finished. The food is good, almost as good as the food was at home before things began to go south. 

You want to say no, and to stay within the confines of your new room for as long as you can manage, but the lack of clothing is beginning to worry you. When you don’t immediately reply, Morax tries again.

“Have you everything you need?” He says. “If you aren’t interested in looking around the harbour’s stalls as of now, you can always request what you need from the help, and I’m sure they’d be happy to oblige. The choice is yours.”

You take a bite of your food, and try not to cringe at the sudden spice you taste, trying to calmly take a sip of your wine. 

“Let me finish my dinner before I make that decision,” you say quietly, and Morax simply nods, his eyes narrowing at you slightly. You don’t notice, almost entirely focused on trying to finish the rest of your food without falling apart.

Compared to where you come from, Liyue is loud. Even when you’re deep in the mountains as you are now, the birds and crickets and bugs are louder than they ever were at home, and it makes for a somewhat settling feeling.

“Whilst we’re on the topic of shopping,” You say quietly, ashamed in advance of the words you’re about to say. “It’s not a secret that my nation wasn’t the most prosperous, my existence here is evidence of that—”

“You are here as a guest. Nothing is expected of you in a monetary or emotional aspect unless you are able and willing to provide. Do not worry about things that are unnecessary.”

Your naivety manifests itself in the raucous beating of your chest in response to his words, and you find yourself utterly embarrassed by how easily swayed you are by a basic display of human decency and respected boundaries.

“Alright,” you say quietly. His words have removed him from the centre of your decision and it’s only yourself to consider now. But perhaps that makes the decision harder.

(didn't have enough character left to write what reader says like i usually do sorry lol)

notes: i'm afraid that doing the polls like this will nerf this series even more but its less work for me so :3

i like to pretend that i don't really care about notes and stuff on my posts but for this series specifically the lack of engagement is gagging me lol i've tried so much to get it more out there but ahhh

taglist: @ainescribe @tartigglez

#genshin x reader #zhongli #zhongli x reader #zhongli fluff #zhongli fan fiction #genshin fanfiction #choose your own path #[🧡]—taking fate into one’s own hands #zhongli fan fic #genshin fluff #genshin impact #zhongli fanfic #fanfiction #zhongli royalty au #royalty au #genshin polls #polls

[2bealuvr]

JEALOUSY

Xiao x reader (gender neutral)

tags: nsfw, blood, stalked, implied potential sexual violence against reader (doesn’t happen), smut, possessive behavior.

// Xiao doesn’t kill humans but when you’re in danger, he changes. And secretly, you like it.\\

••• ••• ••• ••• ••• ••• •••

Xiao tends to keep most emotions bottled up, all screwed tight and close to bursting. Still, regardless of his own awareness of the festering feelings, he thinks he does a decent job of ignoring them. He’ll push the lid down and stand atop it, wrap heavy chains, whatever he needs to do to just remain calm-

Until now.

You watch with wide, shocked eyes as the group of strangers who had been stalking you through the darker streets of Liyue scream, their voices rising to a crescendo before cutting off abruptly. They fall, one by one, within the whipping shadows.

You aren’t scared of Xiao, of course. You know he would never hurt you; but to see the wrath he warns others about unleashed, you can’t help the trip of your heart. It patters against your eardrums as blood pools beneath the bodies, how it slides along the cracks of the rocks toward your feet.

Thunder booms in the distance and you know the blood will be washed away. You aren’t sure, however, if the bodies will disappear too. Xiao doesn’t seem very concerned about it as he finally turns to you, mask glowing turquoise as the wind he’d created with his sudden appearance begins to fade.

He strides to you, his mask disappearing with an array of glittering sparks. Only when you tear your eyes away from the fallen bodies do you realize he is…hesitant. He’s close but he’s withheld, hand holding tight to his spear, mouth sharp and flat with trepidation.

“Are you alright?” He asks, quietly.

You gulp and wipe at the flecks of blood that had flown to your face. It smears and streaks on your cheek and his eyes flit to the motion. He reaches for you slowly but when you don’t move or push him away, like you’re sure he thought you would, he wipes at the blood with his own fingers. His thumb brushes the crest of your cheek before those fingers dig into your hair, curling and holding.

“Y/N?” He tilts his head, trying to catch your eye. “Are you okay?”

You lick your lips and nod, “Yes. Yes, I’m fine.”

His brows furrow, jaw clenching. You see a dark emotion cross his face and in fear that he’ll teleport you home before disappearing entirely, you wrap your arms around his waist, tugging him close. You press your nose and lips against his throat, breathing him in like you usually do.

Wind. Almonds. Copper.

The familiar scent of him calms you.

“I’m glad you showed up.” You press a kiss against the underside of his jaw, stomach flipping when he tenses and lets out a sharp breath. “I could’ve handled it myself, you know. But I’m still glad.”

He hums, “I never doubt that you can defend yourself.”

“Right. And you’ve seen me do it before. So, why step in like this, this time?”

Xiao doesn’t immediately reply. You draw back just a tad, just in time to see that he’d been biting at his lip. It is such a human gesture that you can’t help but brush your fingers over him, soothing the irritated skin.

“I heard what they were saying…how they’d seen you at the tavern, how they wanted to talk to you.” He glances away, “How excited they were at the idea that you would go with them. How they would have taken you even if you said no.”

You frown, “I wouldn’t have let them.”

“I know that.” He presses against you, “I knew that and still, I couldn’t stop.”

You search his face, chest aching with absolute affection: adoration, love. You aren’t scared of him and you don’t blame him- if anything, you are ignited.

In an instant you are surging forward, capturing his lips with your own. He gasps against you and you revel in it, smirking a bit when the shadows rise once more. They shroud you from the world until you find yourself pressed against your bedroom wall, legs grabbed and raised to latch around his waist.

You curve, pushing yourself against him, grinding until that small noise you love so much escapes his lips. He tears at your shirt, a button popping before his sharp teeth are grazing over the hollow of your throat, the center of your chest.

You tug at his hair until he’s looking at you, eyes hooded but still so, so bright. When you kiss again, it is all tongue. You moan at the nip on your bottom lip, around the curl of his tongue, how messy it gets and how much desperation has begun to flood your senses.

Neither of you undress entirely. Your shirt is torn and his spear is on the ground, your pants falling when he lowers you and turns you around. You press your hands against the wall, head dipped and all breathless-

“You’re mine, aren’t you?” He asks.

The question isn’t demanding. It is a lapse of his tall walls, a crumbling of the façade he holds in place. He is begging for your answer, for it to be what he so desperately needs to hear. It comes from a place of fear and self-condemnation. He is scared that you will leave and he thinks that he’ll have deserved it.

“Yes.” You breathe, urging him to believe you, your stomach fluttering when you hear the undoing of his clothes.

“Say it.” He trails his mouth along the curve of your nape. He teases you open, works your body like a musician. “Please.”

“I’m yours, Alatus.”

His name on your lips is the final fracture. His defensive walls explode like impacted glass, shattering around you as he pushes in. You gasp, nails digging into the wood until he places his palms atop your hands, fingers interlocking.

The pace is heavy and fast, each thrust threatening to send you to your knees. He brings a hand to hold tight to your hip, no doubt leaving bruises, before wrapping around your waist to keep you stable. Your eyes flutter and roll at the harsh touch, at the push of himself so deep within. His groan is guttural and low when he notices the way your body tenses.

“There?” He asks, not that he doesn’t already know.

He just wants to hear you. To listen to the way your voice shakes for him.

“Yes. There, please, don’t-don’t stop.”

He pushes your legs further apart, both hands now holding you in place at your hips, his thrusts hitting that found spot repeatedly. It has you seeing stars, your mouth opening to moan his name, over and over and-

The bite on your shoulder is sudden and it hurts and you cum. You can’t hold it back, you can’t do anything but let him consume you. His hips stutter but he doesn’t stop, not until you’re returning to yourself and allowing him to pull you away from the wall.

He brings you to the bed and you fall flat, blinking in a daze up at him, gasping when he slides back in with ease. It’s not rare for this position to be the final. There is never a moment where he doesn’t enjoy watching the pleasure wash over you. His eyes flit across your features as you arch your back, hips held up while he rams into you. You dig your nails into his forearms, thighs shaking, entire body turning to a tremble until finally, finally, he pushes impossibly deep.

You feel him releasing into you, pulsing with heat. He leans down and breathes against your throat, teeth grazing with the desire to bite again and although you wouldn’t mind it, he stops himself.

Instead, he practically whimpers as you wrap your legs around him, making sure he can’t pull out until he’s drained. He holds himself up on his forearms, licking and kissing your skin, a hand settled within your hair.

Your abdomens brush as you both try to catch your breath. It’s funny, you think almost deliriously, how he can fight for so long and be undisturbed by the labor. It is only after moments like these that he is truly rattled; his body quivering, his heart beating so powerfully.

You huff a laugh and brush your fingers through his own hair, feeling him soften inside of you before finally letting him go.

He pulls out with a soft groan, cum dripping out of you in a slow trail, though neither of you are in any hurry to rise or clean up. You simply shift, glad to feel him rest his head on your chest, to have his weight settled atop you.

He brushes his hand along your ribs as the sharp sting on your shoulder returns.

“You bit me again.” You laugh.

He winces, “I’m sorry.”

“I like it.” You trail your thumb against his jawline, “I like that you can let go with me.”

He hums, roaming your skin, touching any scar or freckle or dip that he can. “I need to go. To clean up my…mess.”

You let out a heavy sigh, refusing to let this moment pass. So, before he can even question your intentions, you shift and slide until you’re straddling his hips. He stares up at you, brow raised, a gulp stuck in his throat.

It takes no time at all for him to grow hard. You feel it press against you and you take it, sliding down his length slowly, eyes fluttering at how it fills you up once more.

“Messes can wait.” You rise and drop in a slow roll, smiling at the way he can’t even protest. All he does is watch you, cheeks flushed, hands moving to grab hold of the sheets. “Everything can wait. Just, stay with me. Stay.”

And so, in the end, he does.

#I had to write this down and get it out or I was gonna explode #hope ya like it #xiao x you #xiao x reader #genshin smut #xiao smut #xiao x y/n #also I’m on mobile rn but when I get to my computer I’ll add a page break #sorry for inconvenience #genshin impact x gender neutral reader #xiao x gender neutral reader #genshin impact x reader

[mcx7demonbros]

Confusion

Ft. Klein, Diavolo, Lucifer, Mammon.

C/W. None.

Inspired by that home screen dialogue of Mammon telling us to never drop the “Lord” in “Lord Diavolo”, or Lucifer would kill us.

Summary: Klein wanted to mess with the handsome eldest. This story took place at the beginning of the exchange program so no romantic relationships yet.

“Never drop the “lord” in “Lord Diavolo, or Lucifer would kill ya.” Mammon warned Klein.

“Huh? But neither Lucifer nor Diavolo said anything like that.” Klein protested.

“They never said it. But Lucifer always expect respect for Diavolo from the exchange students. Among the exchange students, ya are the one with tiniest existence and lowest position in his eyes, so the biggest amount of respect for Diavolo is expected of ya. Perhaps you should kneel on both legs and kowtow to Diavolo.”

Klein nearly showed his strong approval, but he managed to hold it back. On Earth, the only persons to whom he ever bowed were his parents, grandparents and the clergy. It was Klein’s Pride, to only bow (and perhaps kneel) to people whom he owed a natural obligation to respect. Others like royals and politicians, idols and celebrities, etc., Klein vowed to never bow to any of them. If he met them while being a normal boy, the most he could give them was a courtesy smile.

But now, he was expected to bow and/or kneel down and kowtow to Diavolo. NO! NEVER! Klein wouldn’t have that. At the moment, he really wanted to mess with Lucifer for having such an absurd thought and see the expression on his handsome face. He didn’t blame Mammon as the Avatar of Greed only conveyed what Lucifer implied or said discreetly.

A light bulb appeared in Klein’s head as an idea popped up. The Overlord smirked.

The next morning, Diavolo and Lucifer were walking the hallway of RAD while discussing the recent reports. Upon seeing the two demons, the students all stepped aside and paved a way for them.

“Diavolo!” Klein got out of the crowd and greeted.

Before Diavolo could have the chance to greet back. Klein hurriedly corrected himself. “How rude of me! I should refer to you as “Lord Diavolo”. Oh, I forgot to, wait, was it bow or curtsy.” Klein began to scratch his head. Meanwhile, demons on the sides were smirking and enjoying the drama. They loved seeing others, whatever race they were, getting into trouble.

“Calm down, Klein.” Diavolo said. His face expression was a little hurt. He thought he and the new exchange student had become friends. Why the sudden change in the exchange student’s attitude and treatment towards him?

“I’m sorry, Lord Diavolo. It must be an embarrassment just talking to me. I’ll excuse myself.”

“No, Klein. First, drop the “Lord”. You don’t need to be so formal to me. Second, what had happened that made you change your tone towards me?”

Klein looked to the side and caught the sight of Lucifer’s crimson eyes. He soon averted his eyes, much to Lucifer’s puzzlement. However, Klein’s gaze did not escape Diavolo’s watchful eyes.

“I c-can’t say it.”

“You can talk to me, Klein. I would help you. I won’t suffer the exchange students feeling uncomfortable during their time here.” Diavolo said as he looked at other demons, taking the chance to also warn them.

“Alright. It’s just s-someone told me the amount of respect I had for you was unacceptable. I must treat you at someone above me, as my k-king, since I’m such a tiny insignificant existence and all.”

“Enough, I understand. Klein, I, Diavolo, the future king of Devildom, assure you that none can force you to kneel before me, not even me. And you’re most certainly welcomed to be casual around me.”

“Really!? That’s wonderful! Then we can be real friends.”

“Yes, friends.”

“Let’s have a friendly hug.”

“Of course!” Diavolo laughed and hugged Klein tightly.

Lucifer and the other demons were like “What the fuck did I just see?” However, at that moment, Lucifer noticed a smirk from Klein. Then the eldest connected every dot and realized Klein was playing with him…like a toy, or a chess piece, an expression which Lucifer himself preferred. Realizing that, his fist tightened. He just wanted to grab Klein and threaten the boy right now.

It was Diavolo who pulled Lucifer back to the real world. “Lucifer, I need to talk to you in private.”

Then the two left. Right after that, Mammon ran to Klein. He had been away because Klein tricked him so that Mammon wouldn’t reveal his plan accidentally with his idiocy.

“Oi, human, where have ya been?”

Klein did calculate so that he would hear Diavolo scolding Lucifer. He had a small robot, in the form of a small fly, to follow Lucifer into Diavolo’s office. Klein put an earphone connecting to the robot on his ear to listen to what happening in the room. Every “I’m completely disappointed…” was like music to Klein’s ear. He couldn’t contain himself and squealed every time he heard it.

But the joy didn’t last long, as Barbatos found out about the fly and destroyed it. Fortunately, the butler thought it was only a normal fly since it was small and he couldn’t see the robotic components of it.

That night, Klein brought a cup of hell coffee to Lucifer’s study.

“Lucifer, here’s your coffee.”

Lucifer didn’t reply. He stood up, towered over Klein.

“Lu-lucifer?” Klein backed away until he was cornered. Then Lucifer put his hand on the wall, making a kabedon.

“Was you messing with me?” Lucifer asked.

“M-messing what? I don’t understand.”

“Feigning ignorance, I see. I’ll give you a chance, confess your sins now.”

“Con-confess what. I-I only confess to a priest.”

Lucifer’s eyes glowed dark red as he moved his thumb across Klein’s lips. “I already gave you a chance to confess. And you didn’t. Don’t beg for mercy when I force a it out of you when the time comes.”

“Lucifer, you’re freaking me out.” Klein tried to hold back his tears as his legs shaking.

Lucifer didn’t reply to that. He only grabbed his cup of coffee and stepped aside, letting Klein go.

After Klein left. Lucifer returned to work. A few minutes later, he sipped the coffee. The reasons he kept the coffee were because he didn’t want to waste it and he wanted to see what taste he would get from the coffee.

The moment his tongue touched the coffee, Lucifer could feel its extreme bitterness. It is said that the more crush or love the maker has towards the one who drinks the hell coffee, the more bitter it is.

Which meant Klein was very fond of Lucifer, which confused Lucifer even more. If he really was fond of the Avatar of Pride, why would he get him in trouble with Diavolo, that made no sense. But if the boy was innocent, then what with the evil smile when he hugged Diavolo?

Argh, none this is making any sense. Klein, just what kind of person are you?

Tag. @sparkbeast20

#obey me #omswd #obey me lucifer #obey me shall we date #obey me one master to rule them all #obey me lucifer x oc #obey me fanfic #obey me mc: klein #obey me diavolo #obey me mammon

[jjungkooksthighs]

“Forgive me, m-master.” Those sweet, delicious words have his hips undulating even more torturously against her own. “You thought that would be enough to stop me? To stop this?” He emphasizes his question by gripping her neck tight, his other hand squeezing even more around the both of her wrists that he has trapped between it. “You have developed quite the tongue, omega. It wouldn’t surprise me that you are able to muster the courage to say that name when it so seldom leaves your lips in any other situation.” She yelps when his iron-clad hold begins to hurt. She doesn’t try fighting her way out of this, though. She knows better than that. He never liked it when she tried that. She wasn’t going to do it now, either. Instead, she begs. Begs for him to give her mercy. Mercy that will not come. Not this time. Instead of granting it, he growls low into her ear. You dare beg when you are the one who let another man’s words have more power over you than my own?” He scoffs, letting his cock rest against her ass for a moment as he stills. “Have you any idea how fucking infuriating that is? I can hardly get you to listen without the Bidding, but when he tells you of those stupid, useless little pieces of shit, you actually do?” His teeth graze at the shell of her ear as he asks, “What do you think that says about you, you little brat?” “I… I-“ She can’t finish. He doesn’t let her. The fingers around her throat press in, her brain going fuzzy as air is cut off for the briefest of moments. His sharp teeth bite down on the cartilage of her ear, “You’ll show him just how well you mind me, though, won’t you, omega? Because when I call everyone for a fucking gathering, you’re going to be a good fucking girl for once and obey everything I say. Don’t,” he threatens, his fingers closing even more around her neck, “I will make good on my threat and keep my cock to myself for days, weeks… maybe even months. We will see how well you mind me when you don’t have a knot in you during your heat.”

Her lips tremble, her heart stuttering as a whimper leaves her when his teeth dig deeper into the soft shell of ear, the growl he intently lets out right into her ear making her shiver, his hands that close in around her neck tightening, knocking her out of breath. With how she's pressed into his chest, she can't move. His hands tighten around her wrists unforgivingly, and it has her yelping, her wrists no doubt turning a deep shade of red and purple now. The weight he puts into it is crushing. She doesn't dare move. His words hit her, and it takes but a few moments to really process what it was he was implying. Unbeknownst to her, however, he grows impatient behind her. He twists her ear with his sharp teeth such that she's forced to tilt her head down, a loud whimper leaving her yet again. "I asked you a fucking question, brat." She nods her head as well as she can, a stuttered apology leaving her frantic form, too scared of letting him prove his threat. "B-but what.. what do y-you mean.." she trails off, before continuing, too nervous for her own good right now, eyes wide as she stares up at him. "by.. calling everyone for a.. a gathering, alpha?"

He glowers at her ignorance.

She really could play quite the convincing fool when she was backed into a corner like this.

He releases her from his hold, and without his support, she falls gracelessly to the floor.

With only the dried mud, her own blood, and the bruises he’s given her everywhere from her ass to her neck, she’s the picture of ruin.

It makes desire swell in his belly as he drags his irises over her lithe form while she cradles one especially red wrist with her other. His fingerprints still mark her there.

“I just mean that the next time I order a hunt and we present the spoils to both the elders and the omegas, I’ll have you do a little something for me,” he divulges, taking a step forward while she uses her arms to crawl back, “Something no one watching will ever be able to question when they think about how devoted and loyal the Pack Alpha’s woman really is to her male.”

#alpha jungkook asks

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN ー Laito Maniac [10]

Monologue

My brothers have been suspiciously cooperative. 

To be honest, I would have much rather,

they pushed me aside and told me to fix my own mess.

However, I do not feel disgusted by their actions like I did the other day,

instead, the only things I can feel,

are confusion and a sense of discomfortーー 

ー The scene starts in the living room of the Sakamaki Castle

Laito: ーー I see. I get it.

Ayato: ...Ah?

Laito: You’re all helping me out like this...because I’m a force to be reckoned with, right?

Ayato: ...You’re still spoutin’ that bullcrap!? 

Laito: I mean, if it isn’t for thatーー

Shuu: You can’t understand why we would otherwise? 

Laito: Yeah.

Shuu: Then, we have no other choice but to take action and save your woman because we fear your powers. 

ーー Sure, whatever. What a pain. 

Laito: ...

Ayato: ...Fuck that! Anyway, why don’t you try doin’ somethin’ as well!? 

You’ve been sittin’ there dumbfounded this whole time.

Laito: ...Ugh...

ー Laito gets up

*Rustle* 

Ayato: ...!? Whatcha suddenly gettin’ up for? Are you finally in the mood to take action!?

Laito: ーー I’m going to go rescue her.

Kanato: Go where? ...The Familiars have yet to return. 

Laito: ...

ー Laito walks away

Ayato: ...Hold up one second!

ー Ayato grabs hold of his arm

*Rustle* 

Laito: Let me go...!!

ー Laito pushes him away

*Thud*

Reiji: Haah. Good grief. Such a handful you two are. ...Listen? Would you please calm down a bit?

It cannot be denied that you possess great powers. However, they are still unstable at present. 

Laito: ...Are you trying to imply that I couldn’t save her because of that?

Reiji: Yes. Therefore, right now you should rely on us. Trying to recklessly solve everything by yourself won’t get you anywhere now, will it?

Laito: ...

Ayato: Oi...!!

Laito: I need to...step out for a sec. Please give me some spaceーー 

ー Laito leaves the room

Ayato: ーー Oi!!

Shuu: Haah...He really is one big pain in the ass... 

Ayato: ...Don’t you think he’ll try and go to Chichinashi by himself after all...?

Shuu: What happens, happens, right?

Ayato: ...Ugh...

ーー I’m sure he’s at a loss over what to do. 

Shuu: ...

Ayato: Despite what it might seem like, he’s the type of guy to try and fix everything by himself. 

He just can’t ask those around him for help...no matter how badly he might want to. 

He hasn’t changed one bit.

ー The scene shifts to the balcony

Laito: ( Hey, Bitch-chan...What should I do? )

( I’m terribly afraid for some reasonーー )

ー The scene shifts to Kino’s manor at Rotigenberg 

Monologue

ーー A few days have passed since. 

After days spent in pain,

my body is finally showing signs of recovery. 

Perhaps that is the reason why,

it’s so painful now to simply sit here in this house and wait,

as the time simply ticks by. 

I considered escaping plenty of times,

however, each and every time,

it was Rotigenberg’s barren land,

which prevented me from doing so. 

And so, to this day,

I still find myself,

at Kino-kun’s place...

As long as I’m here, 

it is rather hard not to see, 

just how harsh, painful and difficult 

the lives of these Ghouls truly is. 

They are being confined,

to this Land where a horrible stench constantly lingers in the air,

ever so often Ghouls would be allowed outside the borders,

to be employed as servants by other Demons. 

And if they fail to fulfill said purpose for some reason,

they would be killed,

and their corpse is returned to these landsーー 

Despite such circumstances,

they are unable to flee this place,

nor can they fight back against the treatment. 

For the sole reason of being Ghouls. 

I turned a blind eye to all of this,

and covered my ears. 

It might come across as cold-hearted, but I tried my very hardest,

to lock away my own feelings, so I wouldn’t show compassion. 

So when the day arrives that Laito-kun comes for me,

he will not take notice,

of said feelingーー 

Yui: Haah...

*Rustle* 

Yui: ( I wonder how long Kino-kun plans to keep me here? )

( He said I’m his hostage but...I wonder if he’s told Laito-kun that I’m here? )

...

*Knock knock*

Yui: ! Y-Yes...!!

( Kino-kun? Or Yuuri-san, perhaps...? )

*Creaaak*

Yui: Ahーー

Ghoul Girl A:...Hello. 

Yui: H-Hello...Can I help yーー

Ghoul Girl A: Umーー These...

*Rustle rustle*

Yui: Are these...Flowers?

Ghoul Girl A: Yes. You seemed to be feeling a little down after all...Ah, I made sure to get these from a place which isn’t dirty.

Yui: Dirty...?

Ghoul Girl A: Yes. They’re not from around here. So don’t worry? 

*Rustle*

Yui: Thank you ーー Um...

Ghoul Woman D: ーー !! Hey, what are you doing!?

Yui: Eh!? Ah, I-I’m soーー

Ghoul Woman D: It’s always the same with you...!!

*SMACK*

Ghoul Girl A: Kyaah...!!

Yui: ( Eh!? W-Why? The little girl got hit!? )

Ghoul Woman D: Good grief! Just how many times did I tell you to stay away from this person...?

What if you somehow get Kino-sama’s precious guest infected with your nasty germs?

Ghoul Girl A: ...I’m sorry...

Ghoul Woman D: ーー Aah, gosh...If Kino-sama were to find out about this...We’ll be in big trouble...

...My sincere apologies! She had no bad intentions. 

Yui: ...Eh!? O-Of course not. ...I don’t exactly miーー

Ghoul Woman D: ...Could you please keep it a secret from Kino-samaーー?

Yui: Yes...I understand. Don’t worry. I won’t tell him. 

Ghoul Woman D: Thank you so much!!

ーー Come on! Let’s go!!

Ghoul Girl A: ...

ー The woman drags her child away

Yui: ( ...Ugh... )

ー Yui closes the door again

*Thud* 

Yui: Haah...

( What was that just now? )

( What did she mean by ‘infected by your dirty germs...?’ Some kind of disease? )

( Anyway, I think it’s safe to assume that the Ghouls are being discriminated against because of some kind of contamination. )

( She did use the word ‘infected’, so perhaps that’s why they’ve been exiled to this land...? )

Still ーー Kino-kun never warned me about that, did he...?

( He only ever mentioned something about getting lost, but nothing about being contaminatedーー )

...!

( Wait, I can’t help...but let my mind wander...to those Ghouls. )

( I’m sure that they’re actually good people at heart... )

( However...Taking Laito-kun into account... )

Selection

→ I shouldn’t sympathize with them (❦)

Yui: ーー I shouldn’t sympathize with them. 

( ...Still, as long as I’m here, I can’t help but think about it. )

( I see what’s going on right in front of me, so I can’t help but naturally take it in... )

( Laito-kunーー )

→ Still... 

Yui: ( ...Still, as long as I’m here, I can’t help but think about it. )

( I see what’s going on right in front of me, so I can’t help but naturally take it in... )

( I want to leave this place as soon as possible... )

( Laito-kunーー )

*Knock knock*

*Creaaaak*

Yui: ...?

Kino: Hey there!

Yui: ...Kino-kun. Do you need something?

Kino: Ehー? I’m not allowed to visit you unless it’s for some specific reason? 

Yui: ーー Well...

Kino: Hmー I see. I guess I’m not. I guess you must really hate me.

Oh well, even if you doーー

ー He restrains her

Yui: Kyah...!!

Kino: That’s fine? 

ー Kino corners her against the wall

*Thud* 

Yui: ...!?

( Kino-kun...? What has gotten into him? He’s acting weird... )

Monologue

I wonder what Laito-kun is up to right now? 

Did he manage to make peace with his brothers? 

He isn’t trying to do something reckless, is he? 

Those kinds of thoughts keep on occupying my mind. 

It kind of makes me feel,

like I’m his mother (お母さん) or somethingーー 

But still, perhaps that might not actually,

be entirely wrong. 

Either way, I want to leave this place sooner rather than later. 

I have to...

Or else, I fear that I will actually completely betray Laito-kunーー

as I can just feel how weak-spirited I truly am (自分のもろさ).

More importantly, what has gotten into Kino-kun? 

I got kind of frightened by his behavior which seemed different from usual. 

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #laito sakamaki #lost eden #diabolik lovers translation #lelaitomaniac10

[whentherewerebicycles]

oh i am powerfully grumpy today let me list the reasons why to break their hold over me! and then i will list the substantive good things that will counterbalance the grumpiness.

WHY AM I GRUMPY

didn’t sleep well and got up too early (this, as you will see, is probably the root of all other ills)

was pretty cranky with ruthie at 5am because she wouldn’t poop and wanted to just wander around outside & take a little walk instead. which fine but i was so tired and grumpy already haha. and then i always feel like a CRUEL MONSTER after i have spoken to her a bit sharply because she is a sweet little girl and sometimes you just don’t have to poop ok! also sometimes when i have been short with the dogs i am like oh great this is like a two-second glimpse of the lowest setting of sleep-deprived parenthood i bet i am going to handle that GREAT. (you can see here how i was already in that Mood where your crabbiness starts magnetizing all other free-floating crabbiness in the ether towards it)

got a little cranky on the phone with my mom because it felt like she was taking a liiiittle dig at me about the salary cut i’m taking (i don’t think she intentionally was i was just already kind of grumpy and sensitive) 

i am experiencing some lowgrade anxiety about the HSG test tomorrow, partly because i have read that is going to be moderately painful and partly because i am worried it will reveal bigger problems

my lead just straight up stood me up for a meeting today lol... i was on the teams call for 10 min just waiting and then she didn’t respond to any of my messages so i hung up but can’t really wander away from my laptop in case she calls me back... i’ve been just kinda Over It for a while but man it is annoying when she does stuff like this. also lol she did the thing in a meeting yesterday where i offered to review this tiny inconsequential project real quick with my boss and my lead jumped in to be like “to make the best use of [boss]’s time, i think it’s best if i review the content first to ensure everything looks okay” which is code for “i am going to make one formatting change and then schedule a meeting with our boss without inviting you where i imply that your work was so shoddy i had to make MAJOR changes to salvage it.” i was just like sure girl. whatever. enjoy these last few days of getting to powertrip over me. you are so close to being in my rearview mirror forever.

i only have like 1-2 pointless work projects left before my last day (next friday) but they are so pointless and so hazily defined that working on them plunges me into a deep work despair spiral even though i am SO close to being done with this stupid job. i know i need to just pull myself together and finish them but wow. i hate this.

some IRL friend stuff is making me a little bit irritated and i just need to sit down for a minute at some point and decide if/how i want to react to it. it’s genuinely not a big deal it’s just one of those situations where there have been multiple small annoyances that are not exactly anyone’s fault but cumulatively just make me feel a little put-out. however i am aware that if i’d slept 2 more hours last night i might feel totally different about it so i am just bracketing it today.

phew okay. now WHAT ARE SOME OF THE GENUINELY GOOD & MEANINGFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE FILLING ME WITH A SENSE OF GRATITUDE THAT I GET TO BE ALIVE IN THIS WORLD IN THIS MOMENT?

i wrote for 3+ hours this morning and feel really intrigued by the project... not sure if i have a sense of where it’s going yet but it’s been quite a while since i’ve been in that headspace where you wake up and reach blearily for your phone right away because you’re just HUNGRY to review the writing you did the previous night & start working on the new draft. i am very, very much hoping that a change of job and scenery will jumpstart my creativity a bit... i think it’s just challenging to write when literally nothing is happening in your life. you have all this open unstructured time, which means you don’t value any of the time you have (because if you don’t write in THIS empty moment you can always put it off to the next empty moment!), and then you are just sitting at home not experiencing any social or intellectual stimuli so i feel like you don’t get that “lots of ideas sloshing around in my brain... new encounters triggering new ways of looking at or connecting them... back-burner brain stuff simmering while doing other activities” stuff going. ANYWAY this is all to say it feels good to be writing again & feeling excited about writing whether or not this one sticks. i am just happier when i am engaging in the practice of making things even if i am not finishing things.

part of why i started writing again is that i got two extremely long, detailed, thoughtful comments on my last story from another writer that just made me feel so, so good and creatively energized. all comments are soooo good/valued but i feel like there is something extra special about getting that kind of extremely detailed feedback from a talented writer who picks up on why you did certain things and has a very clear sense of the really, really time-intensive revision and redrafting work that goes into weaving multiple layers into a story. i read the comments yesterday and at first was happy but also kind of in a funk about it - like it was SO nice and affirming to receive them but i have also kind of built that story up in my mind to be the best/most fully realized thing i’ve ever written and can sometimes get down on myself feeling like i’ll never be able to top it or even repeat it. but then i read the comments several more times and started thinking about some of the specific scenes or choices the person was highlighting and just remembering how many times i patiently reworked not-great versions of those scenes to just steadily make them better and more effective. and i was just like okay listen. it just takes hard work and time. i have to put in the hard work. i have to invest the time. i have to give up the fantasy that the first version i write (or the second version or the tenth version) is going to be, or should be, perfect. i’m so proud of that polished final work but to get there i had to really keep the draft shitty and unfinished and patchworked-together and rough around the edges so that i could have the flexibility to rearrange things and torpedo what wasn’t working and generate new ideas through new combinations of rough material. so get over yourself and get to work, you idiot, or you really will never make anything again because you’ll have gotten wrapped up in some fantasy of doing things perfectly the very first time. ANYWAY it was a journey haha but those comments got me moving again and it really made me remember again how much i value being part of a creative community where you get to have that kind of engagement with other readers and writers.

i think it’s going to be a stupidly gorgeous day out! and then a stupidly gorgeous next week or two! soooo nice to have nice weather!! spring is here!!! i scrubbed down the deck last night before bed finally and am now just awaiting the delivery of the outdoor rug and side table.

 i had a really, really good catch-up call yesterday afternoon with a former mentee i worked closely with for a few years in my last job. i thought she was probably reaching out to ask about a letter of rec or something but it turned out that she actually just wanted to tell me about how this project she started years ago with me has continued to grow/evolve and has led to these pretty major institutional changes around making caste a protected class at our university. she was just like, ‘i’ve been thinking about you so much all year because everything we’ve been doing is rooted in the research ethos you taught me in that program. and then it just occurred to me that instead of just thinking about you i could reach out to tell you about how much you shaped this work.’ it was just so good to hear from her and so amazing to hear about this stuff she and her co-organizers have been able to achieve in the last couple years!! it made me feel really good/happy (for her but also obviously it’s just nice when people say nice things about your teaching impact!) and i also feel like it kinda lit a fire under me a little bit... like this past year has been so isolating and i think one thing i’ve missed is the way that students’ passionate commitments push YOU to be more engaged in your own life/community and more awake in your own life. i feel like this student in particular always pushed me to be more honest you know... she’s one of those people who is continuously pursuing difficult, important work because she believes it’s the right thing to do and she knows she has the skillset to do it. so i just want to hold onto that feeling you know... like as i begin to become more involved in the life of a campus community again and more connected to students i just want to keep pushing myself out of this period of isolation and into the world to do meaningful work.

#teaching #personal

[ayanebella]

The Ballad of Existence: A Reflective Analysis on the Anthology, “Lockdown Litanies: Countless Untold Stories”

“Are you alive? Or just existing?” These are the lines that toll through my mind on days when life seems meaningless. There are times when we have to be extra resilient to take on life’s challenges– for the reason that it is not enough for us humans to simply just exist. We must strive in order to have a worthwhile existence. However, the ultimate question is, “What does it truly mean to be alive?”. To uncover the truth, it necessitates us to embark on journeys toward contentment with ourselves; towards finding happiness with how things turned out to be. It requires us to take chances, unlearn, and love. For us to be able to freely move away– to discover a world on our own– to paradise; we must learn to fight our battles, even if we are afraid, even if we are a little messy; and if we ever fall down, may we never let ourselves be defined by our defeat– but of being courageous. 

As I was reading the first poem, “Dear Diary,” the author's intention to convey a melancholic sentiment was unmistakable. Given the nostalgic overtones of the first stanza, it was evident that the poem was reminiscent. With the first few lines, I felt the hopelessness and despair that the author desired to depict– I, too, have felt the same thing back then; how it felt to be so powerless– unable to do things I was passionate about, I remember it all too well. There have been days when I just wanted to isolate myself inside my room, lie in bed, and stare into nothingness, but then, it became a habit, until it was too late when I realized that I had pushed everyone away– little by little, until all of that was left in me was emptiness. With the despondency of the lines in the poem, the song that immediately came into my mind while reading was, “Oceans & Engines” by Niki. There were a lot of resemblances in the poem and the song specifically in the lines “Move away and discover a world on my own,” and “I’m letting go,” The pain that we have gone through plays a significant role in our lives for us to be able to move on from the past. It is a reminder that all things do end. It teaches us that some things are meant to be let go of; as holding on would just hurt us more.

Heading on to the second poem, “The Tale of a Modern Sisyphus” It talks about how life can be unfair and unpredictable at times. Even if we do our best, sometimes we still lose. But just like the next lines in the poem, it is always important that we don’t let our failures define ourselves and our capabilities. We could stumble and lose, but that doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t pick ourselves back up. We must realize that life is so much more than our difficulties. Life is full of ups and downs, on days that we are on the downside, we must remember that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, we would eventually be on the top again. And once we reach that point, we could start over again just as though nothing had happened. The song that resonates the most with this poem is Taylor Swift’s “Only the Young”. There are a lot of lines from this song that I could relate to this poem. Specifically, “You did all that you could do. The game was rigged, the ref got tricked. The wrong ones think they're right. You were outnumbered — this time”. In the poem it mentioned how the judges chose a far less seven to be a winner given that there’s a woman who’s clearly a ten.  Another one in particular is, “They think that it's over, but it's just begun.” In the poem, it implies that losing doesn’t necessarily mean that the battle is over, rather it has just begun. Finally, the last one is, “Don't say you're too tired to fight, it's just a matter of time.” It teaches us that it’s important to keep on trying, to keep on putting our heads up high even when the weight of the world is on our shoulders.

Upon reading the third poem, “O’ Yayi” It was not evident at first that it was about a perspective of someone loving a person who seems like they still love the person they loved in the past. But as we go along through the piece, it will soon be realized. It’s a very heartfelt poem that portrays just how much we can give when we truly love someone. The piece was beautifully written but also very saddening, especially in the lines that the author wrote, “Dante was her resistance and his laughter was her symphony.” and “I went to her and she still doesn’t recognize me.” It just signifies how the person in the perspective of the piece was aware of Yayi’s past, her pain, and her happiness. He was aware of who Yayi truly loved– perhaps, loves. With this, a song called “All I Ask” by Adele is the one that I could associate with the poem. This song talks about someone whom they love, and is asking for something– anything that could make them feel the other person’s love towards them. For them, it matters how things are and how they would end, as stated in the song “‘Cause what if I never loved again?”. It symbolizes the fear of uncertainty– uncertainty to be able to love again; to be happy. Stated from another paragraph is, “Since you’re the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?”. It is similar to the poem as they both have similar unanswered questions. Both are scared of having nothing left– scared of the what ifs and uncertainties of love.

Carrying on, the fourth poem I read was entitled, “Two Red Laces on the Wonderwall”. From the title itself, I immediately thought of it as a metaphor for a pregnancy test. The piece contains explicity and intimacy which hints on the context of the poem. The idea that I got from it was it’s about someone who bared her soul to a person where she found comfort in, as referring to the lines “I opened my whole to bare my soul.” It gives the reader the idea that the woman has tried her luck in having a child with several men, yet the one where she had an intercourse with in the poem was the man she fell for and they wanted to get her tested (pregnancy test)– “Maybe you should get yourself tested.” And with the line “Two red laces flowing down the wall.” It denotes that the two red lines on the pregnancy test means that she is positive. The song that I could think about while I was reading the poem was “Falling In Love” by Cigarettes and Sex. The lines “Falling in love. Deeper than I've felt it before. With you, baby I feel I'm falling in love with all my heart.” resonates with the poem as it implies how the woman felt different towards this one man compared to the other ones she had met before.

Now, onto the fifth poem “Umbilical”. From what I read, it is about a mother who gave birth to a child in an improper place. The perspective of the poem plays the role of the child who suffered as he witnessed the pain that his mother had to go through. The poem vividly described how the mother struggled as life goes on. The child grew up and witnessed everything his mother went through. The song I could associate with this piece is Ed Sheeran’s “The A Team”. There are a number of lines from the song that relate with this poem such as  “World without a light.”  and “Light's gone, day's end.” It symbolizes hopelessness and devastation. Other lines are “Drained herself to save me from misery. Wrinkles, fragile bones, gaunt face in plain sight.” and “Lately her face seems slowly sinking, wasting, crumbling like pastries.” It bluntly expresses how tired the mother is with their situation. In the last lines it stated that “You have made your purpose, I guarantee. Hush, sleep tight. Everything will be alright.” Indicating rest and peace. In the last line, it expressed what seemed to be death. Within the lines, “Convulsive breaths, chills, loose bowels tonight.” I can make a reference from a line of the song, that is, “It's too cold outside For angels to fly– For angels to die.”

For the sixth poem, “RE: Paper (I’m Red, IMRaD)*” It talks about how K-12 is a burden for the parents of the students. It states that we have to achieve great heights especially nowadays with the demands of the 21st century. It implies that in terms of training students for the workforce, they should be provided with qualities that go beyond the technical. Unfortunately, there is insufficient research done in the educational system. The song that comes to my mind is “Love It If We Made It” by The 1975. This song is very controversial as it talks about the narcissistic ways society functions. It discusses how the world has changed in a negative way in the present time. In the lyrics, “We're just left to decay. Modernity has failed us.” it clearly states the manner by which the educational system has evolved throughout the years. Finally, the last line “I'd love it if we made it.” demonstrates just how twisted the world has become. That living and progressing through life has become tough for certain people.

Moving on to the seventh poem, “3 A.M. Awakening”. Given the perspective of the character, the first part of the piece expresses the frustration he felt. It portrayed the emotions trying to be suppressed– holding back the negative thoughts; pushing them aside. As I read along through the next lines, it further explains how the people around him were full of hatred towards him; how their words cut deep through him. In the following lines it shows the character talking to himself, as though it seems that he was contemplating his life choices. In the end, eager to find peace– he decided to jump off the building. A song that I think fits best to this poem is “Listen Before I Go” by Billie Eilish. From the first line of the song “Take me to the rooftop, I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turnin' blue.” it immediately gives us the idea of the song– about wanting to end your life. In the following lines it stated, “Sorry there's no way out. But down.” denoting the act of jumping (from a great height). 

Here we are now with the eighth piece, “My Frail Lady”. Starting with the first lines of this piece, it portrays a weak woman, someone who keeps her emotions to herself, but it insisted that sooner or later she would be figured out. With the next lines, it describes her dancing by herself, with this, there are two songs that I could think of as I read through until the end of this poem, Lorde’s “Liability” and “Liability (Reprise)”. With the lyrics “We slow dance in the living room, but all that a stranger would see is one girl swaying alone, stroking her cheek.” It relates to the lines of the poem, “Dancing on her own.” and “Free floating, she goes. Peripheral view, spinning.” It was mentioned towards the end, “Freedom at long last”. In the song reprise version of the song, it is like a realization about oneself. That after all this time you weren’t the person who thought you were, “But you're not what you thought you were (liability)”. I think that it’s just beautiful how we can reach a point in our lives where we recognize our actual worth and discover who we truly are.

Finally, in the last poem, “Major Arcana” it is about a person who visited a fortune teller. This is implied in a line in the beginning ”Placed your palm over— ...defy the secrets of the heavens and asked, what do you see? Tell— Me.” Through reading the piece, it introduced us to the six tarot cards that the fortune teller read, that are; Card 1: The Tower– where it revealed the chaos that the person created within her, having insufficient time to go to new directions; Card 2: The Chariot– which revealed what the person desired, that is success but haven’t really got lucky obtaining it, it revealed certain journeys that the person needs to take; Card 3: The Lovers– the worry in transformation is what holds the person back in taking action, it urges them to take opportunities, and is giving her assurance that she will be alright and that she doesn’t have to worry about what would happen if she did take those risks; Card 4: The Star– it is giving her a heads up about what is about to come her way, particularly good health, a lovelife, or a career; Card 5: The Hermit– however in this card, it states that she should stop her impulsive behavior if she’s going to make a responsible call; Card 6: The Sun– in the last card, it claims that there is a calm after the storm, the light is shining brightly on her, when she has finally received all of its warmth and vitality, she will then bloom, she just needs to be patient. Now that she has seen the brighter side of her life, she was in awe and amazement– as she saw what was coming, from her palm, through her eyes. This piece could be accompanied with the song “Leaves” by Ben&Ben. As with the lines “Leaves will soon grow from the bareness of trees. And all will be alright in time.” It perfectly captures the poem's message. It emphasizes the fact that everything eventually works out for us in the end. As well as the lines “I never thought that I would see the day.” and “Wounds of the past will eventually heal.”

In conclusion, this anthology taught me how sadness is a necessity in our journey in finding happiness. Our struggles are what shapes us to be who we are today. It is essential for us to experience hardships as they are the reason why we can appreciate the good things in life. As we move through our lives, we pick up a lot of lessons from our experiences. Eventually, we will soon realize that these things made us stronger. Someday, we’ll get to our paradise; to the place where we find peace– and when that day comes, everything we went through, all of the pain, all of the struggles, will all be worth it.

[deathfavor]

@sortilegii​ said: ' you didn't have to do that! ' chief of minos let out. it was a burst that may appear too sudden, too charged with emotion. crina was not one to allow her emotions to emerge so easily. however, regardless of whether serpent believed it or not, she cared for the sinner.

now sat at her side in the medical wing as she had been treated, crina shook her head. the bureau's head was well-aware that a sinner's powers permitted for faster regeneration, meaning that serpent would be alright. that did not imply the chief, too, was alright with this. ' i am the one responsible for you! you don't need to risk yourself for me. ' ( for serpent from chief uwu for the hit meme )

my muse takes a major hit for your muse, send your muse’s reaction.

   “   You’re okay....chief...  “  Serpent murmurs, a soft wobble in her voice as she takes the violent blow to ensure that Crina wouldn’t be hurt. It hurts. It really, really hurts. But it’s okay. It’s okay because Serpent’s killed the threat, and Crina is safe.  “  Don’t!  “  A sharp yell as she sees the chief move towards her, and only then does the searing pain really register. She steps back, stumbling out of reach until she collapses into the dirt.  “  You can’t. My blood is dangerous, remember? I’ll be...really upset if...you get hurt after I...did that all, Chief.  “  She pants, and then a laugh twists in her chest. This hurts. It hurts like Marv, but worse. 

   Will they kill her? Serpent curls up in her fallen spot, white cloth turned dark by the dirt and mud as she holds her hands against her wound. It should be fine...She’s had to learn how to tend to herself to some degree, she knows this should help. Faintly she can hear Crina’s voice and the chatter of others in the background and-

   And next thing she knows, Crina’s voice bursts forth in the silence, charged with abnormal emotion that has her eyes widening in stunned silence. It drags her back into the moment, the blur of the trip back and medical team forgotten in the face of blatant and pure emotion. Her head turns as she lays in the medical bed, staring wide-eyed at Crina.

   Huh?

   “  I know that.  “  Serpent answers quietly, her voice lower rather than her performative, higher-pitched done that she usually used. Even when telling her she’d be mad it had been the lighter tone, a force of habit than anything else. But not now. Now it is unusually serious.

   The sinner winced in pain as she pushes herself to sit up a bit more, a hand reaching out to gently rest her fingertips under Crina’s chin, urging her to look up.  “  And I turned myself in, remember? I CHOSE this.  “  Her fingertips stray upwards to gently brush a few wild strands of hair away. “  Even a snake in a cage has a mind of its own. I know I didn’t have to. But just like I chose to be here, I chose to protect you. Is that really so wrong?  “  Her head tilts, a smile on her lips as she closes her eyes.  “  You're only legally responsible. If I act out, that’s my choice. Not your burden. I would do it again.  “  Her eyes open again to gaze at Crina softly.  “  Don’t worry over this. It worked out, didn’t it? No need to worry on the what-if’s.  “

#sortilegii #oh crina ;-; #getting worked up and serpent trying to reassure #never mind serpent's own intrusive and dark thoughts #she'll keep that deep inside till everyone's asleep and then maybe let it out #or try to strangle her own pain #bc oof having to face that specialized care #all the suits and protection bc of her blood #does not do well for the not monster bit #but still! she wants to reassure her #take that burden off of crina #you can blame her its fine #while maybe missing the point or purposefully who knows #᛭ — [IC] happiness evades the longing heart [SERPENT]

[laurensliminalspace]

The trouble with unsolicited advice

I saw a post on Facebook by Jack Adam Weber recently about unsolicited advice, and how it can sometimes be helpful to illuminate our shadow. He wrote: “Since our blind spots are invisible to us, unsolicited advice can be most helpful for shadow work.” It made me ponder, as I've often had a difficult time with unsolicited advice.

To me, it often feels disrespectful and condescending, as it can feel like someone is implying I am incapable of solving a problem myself. It feels like an intrusion on my autonomy. It also can feel like a criticism, or even blame - like there's an unspoken message that if I just did xyz, then I wouldn't be dealing with these problems. This is particularly hurtful when dealing with a health issue. Or if the advice is extremely obvious and simplistic, it can feel like an insult to our intelligence and competence.

However, not all unsolicited advice is created equal. For me, it depends greatly the person it's coming from. Factors like the timing, the tone, the relationship, and the topic all make a difference in how I feel about it. Often the issue with unsolicited advice is not the content of the advice but the context.

Offering unsolicited advice can definitely be a power play, where people try to "put others in their place" by setting themselves up as an expert or authority. It can be a game of "one upping" sometimes. Unsolicited advice can be used as a way to establish status or dominance, and create a kind of pecking order. It can make people feel superior, like the wise, all-knowing guru or parental figure. This is why it’s often considered more offensive for someone younger to give advice to someone older than them, unless given express permission.

The thing about advice is that it’s often not a straightforward, direct form of communication. It can come with a lot of subtext. It can be a person’s way of saying, “I’m overwhelmed and I’ve had enough of hearing about that”. It can also be someone’s way of saying, “I want to help and fix this but I really don’t know what to do”. In other situations, it could be a way of saying, “I have higher status in this group than you, so you should stay in your lane”. 

It can also be a subtle way to bypass real empathy, compassion and emotional support. I've noticed when people get emotionally overwhelmed and can't listen, they frequently switch to advice giving mode. It often tells me more about the advice giver and their emotional capacity and/or ability to tolerate discomfort. It can be a sign that I need to step back as that person may not have the maturity or the energetic boundaries to handle what I am sharing. 

Unsolicited advice is often the first port of call for people who are tired of listening, or don't have the emotional bandwidth to really hold space. It can be a sign that someone is overwhelmed or dealing with empathy fatigue. Sometimes it’s a sign that someone doesn’t really care, and just wants you to stop venting to them. In most cases, people genuinely do care and have good intentions, but it really depends. It’s hard to make a one-size-fits-all rule.

I've noticed when I share a really difficult, thorny problem, it's not uncommon for others to get highly distressed and immediately start offering solutions which are often very inappropriate and even ridiculously illogical. It's a coping mechanism for many. Sometimes it makes me sad when I see the lengths people go to just to cope with a problem that seems unfixable. I take it a lot less personally when I realise that doling out advice is actually a form of self-soothing, that has nothing to do with me.

That said, sure, at times it can be valuable. Sometimes a friend has said something very timely that has worked out. Occasionally people have a spark of insight or intuitive nudge, and it pays to listen. 

I recall in one share house situation, a friend told me to start looking elsewhere immediately. She was very pushy about it, which I would normally react poorly to, but deep in my gut I knew she was right. I quickly found a place, then the following week was informed the house was being sold. Now and again I have had serendipitous experiences where I am glad I listened... But I did already have a relationship of trust with this friend. 

I find advice from other people with similar health conditions or life circumstances is often more useful, as it comes from actual lived experience - and is less likely to be coming from a place of blame, shame or subtle ableism. That said, it can still feel intrusive and controlling, depending on how it’s presented.

Unsolicited advice is complex, and very much context-dependent. However, I would say it’s okay if you don’t like it and don’t want it. It’s totally valid if you prefer people to ask permission before giving it. I certainly prefer that, though I know many people don’t, and that’s okay too. People have different communication styles and preferences with regard to giving or receiving advice - and both are valid. 

#unsolicited advice #advice #relationships #communication #friendship

[mystery-star]

Disguise – Ben Wade (Part 3 / 3)

Pairing: Ben Wade x fem!reader

Warnings: mentions of past prostitution and allusion past rape, molesting, implied smut, fear of abandonment, mentions of death and injuries

Words: 2808

Series Navigation:  Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Please do not repost my work on other sites or platforms!

-

You only returned to the other men once it was dark.

“Boss” one of the men said, approaching the two of you “the men and I thought if the whore fucks you, we too should get a shot” Ben slightly pulled you behind him and you couldn’t help but hide your face against his jacket. Not because you were scared but because his action made you feel loved and protected.

“First of all, she’s got a name. Secondly, I said you’re to leave her alone unless she allows you to approach her. And lastly, you’re too late” he wrapped an arm around your waist “She’s my woman now. Should I catch any of you” he had raised his voice for the last part so all men could hear him “as much as looking at her the wrong way you better haul ass” as if to illustrate his words, he pecked your temple, then let go of you a little. The men murmured in agreement. “And you notice any of ‘em do something you dislike you tell me” he whispered in your ear.

“Will you at least make her cook now?”

“I ain’t gonna make her do anything”

“But we’re not going to Tubac anymore?”

“We are. ‘Cause there’s something my lady needs to pick up” the men didn’t seem to like it but no one protested.

The rest of the journey went by even quicker and now that you knew what you really wanted and allowed Ben to be close to you because you wanted it, you were happier than ever. You couldn’t even say how glad you were that you hadn’t had the strength or will to knock him down right in the beginning. Or to even take this job. You had only agreed because you had wanted to see what you could do; it wasn’t even that much money you got for him, just a little more than his bounty was. After all your client had to offer more than the sheriff gave since he wanted personal revenge on the man who had killed someone dear to him - you couldn’t remember who. But for the first time it interested you, until now you had not cared what the outlaws did, sooner or later they would end up dead anyways and had done many other bad things. With Ben, however, you sometimes had troubles believing he was dangerous and a killer.

As you reached Tubac, you felt nervous, partly because Ben insisted to come to town with you. You tried to talk him out of it, fearing someone could see him. But you couldn’t beg him too hard or he’d get suspicious. Since you couldn’t persuade him to stay away, you told him to be careful and stay out of sight, whereupon he promised to stay in the saloon. You went to your flat, changed back into your disguise as a man and then went to the gun store to meet your client.

“Ah, look at this” he said “You’re here. I wouldn’t have thought you can do it”

“Yeah well…” you grimaced

“Did you have to kill him?”

“No” you replied “But uh…” the door to the shop flew open

“We got him! He’s in the saloon” you felt how your heart sank. You had to do something!

“His gang didn’t come with you, right?” the shopkeeper asked

“They’re waiting for him a few miles out. I couldn’t get rid of them” and even if you could have, that wouldn’t have been your job. Bending down, your client picked up a bag, which you knew contained the remaining 2,700 dollars of the three thousand you had agreed on.

“I’ll give you the money when I could see for myself that he’s really here”

“He is” you replied, hating how erratic your heart was beating. You hurried after them to the saloon and you almost immediately saw Ben. Well, not really him but you saw the flock of people standing around someone and guessed the rest. Four men were holding him and others threatened him with their guns. Feeling even worse than before you tried to hide.

“Finally. You don’t know how long I waited for this to happen”

“Should I know you?” Ben asked, seemingly unbothered by the situation, maybe even amused.

“You killed my brother”

“Well, then you’ll soon see him again” instead of a reply, the man just hit him. Then he turned to you

“Well done” he said and handed you the bag with money. You swallowed when Ben too looked in your direction. There was a look of surprise in his eyes, then they turned cold and he turned away. It almost gave you the rest and you had to hold your tears back. He hated you. And even if he got out of here you would lose him and had to go back to your old life.

“What are you gonna do to him?” you asked, trying to sound interested but you only wanted to know what he’d do to him. Or to see if there might be a way to help Ben.

“Don’t know, really. Something painful. Wanna help? He caused trouble?”

“No. I think I’m going home”

“Yeah, alright” he turned back to Ben “How’s it feel getting tricked Wade? How’d he do it?”

“Think you gotta learn some tricks from him?” he nodded his head in your direction “Had to hire someone ‘cause you were too stupid or weak?” you were surprised he too referred to you as a male. Perhaps he hadn’t recognized you? Before someone could say something, you slipped away and ran home. What now? Should you get Ben’s gang to help him? But then people would die and you didn’t really want that too much if there was another way. Maybe you could get the law, so whatever your client wanted to do got stopped and you could just break Ben out of prison? You had done that before with other victims, it surely would be possible again. But what if Ben knew this was your fault and would send you away? Could you forget him so easily and go on as you used to? Or should you take your $8,000 and try to settle down somewhere, trying to find a husband? But no, you didn’t want just any man. You knew exactly who you wanted. And so you knew that you had to do something because if you didn’t, there was a chance that Ben died.

For a long time you mulled over a plan and finally had the saving idea. You took your freshly earned money to the bank and asked the banker to give you the sum in as many notes as he could, $1, $5 or $10 bills or even coins if possible. With a frown, he did as you asked, but he couldn’t exchange all the 3’000 dollars but you were certain you had more than enough. With the now bigger bundle of money you returned home and got changed again, packing your stuff and getting it to your horse, attaching some of it to Ben’s as well. Now all you had to do was to find your lover and get him out of here. Luck seemed to be on your side and while you were searching for him, better said listening to sounds that you found suspicious, you saw him being dragged along by a group of people, most of them from the saloon, of course led by the owner of the gun shop. Now that you were in ‘disguise’ again, people paid no attention to you. As they were headed towards a large three you could figure what they had in mind. You winced when you felt a hand on your shoulder

“Ma’am, you shouldn’t be here” you tried not to grimace. Men. Always thought they had to protect and domineer over women. If they weren’t whores because if that was the case they just were inferior. Amazing what clothes did and sometimes it felt weird when people treated you ‘normal’ when you wore dresses like other women and not ones you had worn in the brothel. You quickly discarded the thoughts, got away from the man and approached the group instead. Now they too reacted and tried to send you away, coming towards you and trying to push you away when you didn’t listen. But you needed to get right into their middle. The further into the group you got, the more desperate the men tried to hold you back. Had the situation been another you might have found this funny. But right now all your attention was on Ben. He certainly didn’t look good. They must have beaten him up pretty bad. You felt a twinge of guilt in your chest and clung to the jug with the money as if your life depended on it.

“Hey” you shouted once you were pretty close to the outlaw “I got something for you!” you tossed the jug in the air, took out your gun and destroyed it with a bullet. Now the money was gliding through the air and slowly falling. From your pockets, you retrieved more money and tossed it in the air as well or dropped coins to the ground. Luckily, the plan worked just well and most of the men cared more for the money than the task at hand so you could advance to Ben pretty easily. They had already strung him up and your client was left with egg on his face.

“Who are you? What do you want?” he bellowed in anger. If you were a man, you figured, he would have long taken out his gun and shot at you, but it gave you the advantage you needed and you could approach him and knock him down.

“You can have your money back” you spat “’cause I need him more than you do” with that, you grabbed Ben by the elbow, cut the rope above his head and tried to get him out of there, throwing some more money to keep the others occupied. You only slowed down when you had reached the horses. Using your knife, you cut the rope around his hands and he removed the one from his neck before mounting and riding away without as much as looking at you. You swallowed and it took a second before you did the same, deciding you would just go after him. You wouldn’t just give up on him like that. To your surprise, he didn’t return to the rest of the gang and dismounted. A bit slower you did the same. For a moment you hesitated, then approached him “Ben” you said, hating how teary your voice sounded.

“You got some explaining to do” his harsh tone felt like you were being choked.

“I know” you said, feeling tears in your eyes “I’m so sorry. Are you hurt?” it was a dumb question; bruises were starting to become visible on his face and that was just what you saw at first glance. You swallowed “I’m sorry, I didn’t want any of this to happen” you didn’t care that your tears started to flow “Please, Ben, don’t hate me” you stepped closer and clung to his jacket but he made no move “He… this guy hired me to find you and bring him to you and I wanted to do it, yes. But soon I realized that I started to like you and I couldn’t do it. That’s why I stayed away from you. Because I was trying to fulfill my job. But I couldn’t and I’m glad for it. That’s why I didn’t want you to come to Tubac because I feared this would happen. And I couldn’t bear to lose you. At all. But I understand if you hate me, and you got every right to do so but…” you let out a sob “please don’t send me away. I’ve never been that happy in all my life and I don’t want it to end. T-take a time out if you like but promise me you come back to me. I can’t lose you, Ben” he still didn’t stir and you got more desperate “Please, what else can I do to show you how much you mean to me? I just gave up the money I got for you. Because you’re more important to me. I would have given everything up” damn, that probably was how he had felt when you hadn’t talked to him some days ago. Maybe you deserved it. Feeling all strength leaving you, you just buried your face against his chest and cried.

“You’re a bounty hunter” he just said and you let out a sigh of relief. Taking heart, you nodded and wiped your cheeks.

“Yes. But as I said, I don’t want that life anymore. I want you. And I know you might think I lied to you but I didn’t. I was in a brothel and came out. I just changed my job and I dress up as a man to be a private bounty hunter. And yes, I pretend to still be a whore so the outlaws notice me and I can get close to them and then knock them out. I would have done it with you too but I couldn’t. Your touch… it felt too good, I almost trusted you in a way. And you were so nice, I almost felt bad about what I had to do. I… from the start you made me feel like I’m more than a whore. And I am so glad for this because otherwise I would have just delivered you and not found love. Even after I escaped the cathouse I was hoping that my life would get better and it did; after we started courting. That is what I want, Ben” you took his hand and brought it to your face “You are what I want” you looked up at him, placing a hand on his cheek. He didn’t react “Damnit Ben, say something. Shout at me if you want, tell me that you hate me but say something” a smug smile appeared on his face.

“Well, I figured if I’d stay silent you’d go on raving ‘bout me and telling me how much you like me and what a great man I am” his tone of voice had changed back to normal. You pulled away and stared at him in disbelief. His mouth twitched, then he started laughing.

“Oh you!” you screamed and hit your fists against his chest, realizing he had only played the sorehead. “Do you know how much you scared me?! I thought you hated me. That you were mad at me” you stopped “A-are you mad at me? Or were you?” he took hold of your hands

“You gotta make a living. I understand that. Actually, I was amazed by what you done. And I was mad at myself, for thinking someone like you would ever be able to love me. That I was a fool to think I would be able to find love” you shook your head

“Don’t be harsh on yourself, Ben” you pressed a kiss to his lips “All the women who could have had you and didn’t want to, shot themselves in the foot. It’s their loss” he leaned his forehead against yours. “I love you” you whispered “and I don’t ever want to let you go” pulling you closer he gave a nod. For a while you hugged in silence and you realized how you had missed him in the past hours.

“I’m glad you didn’t try to deliver me. Not because I value my life or because it brought us together but because if you had, my men would have hurt you when you tried to leave town with me” you smiled

“I’m not dumb Ben. I was prepared for that case. I always play the grieving widow, leaving town with her husband’s body to return to her parents. No one ever dared to inspect me more thoroughly”

“A grieving widow…” he chuckled “Clever indeed” you let out a giggle “Did you even learn something during the self-defense lessons?”

“A bit. But practice is always good. Next time you can step it up a little though”

“As long as I don’t hurt you”

“In case you forgot, I can take care of myself” he chuckled pecking your nose

“Do I have to fear that, if I’m not nice to you or treating you well, you will still knock me out and deliver me to the next sheriff?”

“I’m done dragging unconscious men around. But good idea with hitting you over the head”

“Well,” he whispered, his hand trailing down your body, slowly pulling up your skirts “seems like I just gotta treat you well”

-

Taglist: @woman-with-no-name​

#3:10 to yuma #ben wade #ben wade imagine #ben wade x reader #ben wade x you

[bjerregaardtalley5]

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The sire bond is weird. Elena said she killed Connor, the hunter, because Damon told her to, but that isn't exactly right. The show is walking a fine line here, using the sire bond to justify Elena choosing Damon, and perhaps to mitigate Stelena's fans' wrath when that happens, while also being careful not to make Elena do something too crazy so antis can't hold the sire bond over Delena fans' forever (and so that Delena can be legitimate in spite of the sire bond). Delena killed the hunter, but she was always going to do it. Even though she didn't want to - it was her worst fear - she was too angry not to kill him, especially after he tried to kill her. Vampire Elena is very angry and impulsive; she was like this as a human, but now she can't be rational about it. Imagine watching all of your family die, wouldn't you be fucking angry too? And even Elena's attitude towards Stefan makes sense. Elena was always big on trust and she trusted Stefan implicitly. Stefan hiding things from her again, like he did in season 1, naturally made her even madder than she'd been back when she discovered she looked like Katherine. The fact that her brother was involved in the hostage situation at the Grill only made it worse. So yeah, it's really not all about the sire bond. The sire bond is a shitty plot device because it didn't change things in any significant matter, but allowed the characters to pretend that this new Elena was all Damon's fault and that none of her choices were her own - it erased her agency completely, when, really, the sire bond mostly influenced little things like Elena picking the red dress Damon like for April, or choosing to let Damon handle her brother; none of these things changed Elena’s feelings for Damon, and it was Caroline’s disapproval of Elena and Stefan’s shadiness and obessession with the cure, which even put her own brother in danger, that led Elena straight into Damon’s arms. The plot twist is that the sire bond only existed because Elena loved Damon before turning and she chose Damon even when the sire bond was broken. However, by the time that happened the damage had been done. Delena will forever be the relationship that wouldn't have happened if not for the sire bond or Elena turning a vampire. But, again, what's wrong with that? It implies that Elena is less as a vampire and that people aren't allowed to change and make different decisions after something traumatic happens.

I know what it's like to lose yourself. And I still feel like I'm not myself, like the old me was the real me, but the new me is me and will always be me. When my mom waxes poetic about the past, I always tell her she's romanticizing the past and that this is me now. I'm different, but I'm better in many ways - I've grown, I'm stronger, I'm smarter, I'm more mature, etc. And my mom sees it too. I think Stefan would've fallen for the new Elena, but he wasn't even given the chance to because Elena wasn't even given a chance to adapt and grow into herself before everyone was caught up in this business to "fix" her, which really didn't help her any. But Elena needed someone who loved her the way she was now, and Damon ended up being that person. Stefan sabotaged himself, honestly. Involving her brother in this hunter business? Wrong move. She needed help and he wasn’t there for her, because he was thinking long-term. Short-term, Elena was still a vampire and needed help adjusting. 

But, again, the sire bond ruined so many things. When Damon saved Elena on the bridge after she went insane for killing Connor, Stefan said he told Damon to save Elena because she listened to him more. But is that even true? It, again, implies that the sire bond is at work, but that's not right. Stefan hadn't been spending much time with Elena and lied to her as well, so, naturally, she turned to Damon. And then Stefan dumped Elena because her feelings for Damon were intensified after the transition. But he acted so surprised? He told Caroline that Elena had feelings for Damon like he didn't already know that? He acted like it was a new development. Dude, where have you been the last three seasons? Again, using Elena's vampirism and the sire bond as an excuse. Delena and Stelena deserved better. Honestly, the writers suck. The best they can do are ridiculous plot devices that pander to both fanbases, so neither can be happy with their ship.

I also find the implication that Stefan doesn't want vampire Elena bullshit. He didn't say that but it's implied that Damon wants vampire Elena more. That's true, but not really fair to Stefan. The real Elena is human Elena - the bloodlust, anger, heightened emotions, etc. aren't the "real" her, she doesn't want to be that way. So, of course Stefan wants human Elena back, that's what she wants too, and Damon ignoring that is wrong. But vampire Elena is also the real Elena, and those emotions are part of her now. Damon is right to embrace this Elena, but he shouldn't enjoy it the way he does. It's like he enjoys that she's dark like him, and won't get as angry or disappointed over his behavior anymore. That's not how it works. He should want the version of Elena she wants, but he's allowed to want an Elena he can be with forever and who can understand him better. It's not wrong to love vampire Elena more (he doesn't though), because vampire Elena is still Elena. Damon said he will help Stefan find the cure because of Stefan, and not for Elena, but that’s probably not true. Damon is okay with vampire Elena, but he still wants Elena to be happy. 

TL;DR The sire bond is a convenient excuse for Stefan and Elena to break up without upsetting Stelena’s fans too much, but vampire Elena would’ve turned to Damon without the sire bond anyway. Stefan and Caroline’s almost rejection of new Elena is what drove her straight into Damon’s arms. 

#tvd #elena gilbert #damon salvatore #stefan salvatore #delena #stelena

[matzen74matzen]

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