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givemewallywestorgivemedeath · 1 year

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I want to tell you about the Flash arc ever: Rogue War.

We start off in the first issue with a totally normal premise. Zoom had escaped jail and was having a romantic fling with Cheetah. The two of them were running around killing people for fun. So naturally Wally and Diana teamed up to stop this horrifying turn of events. Oh and they're also trying to stop the murders as well. Diana was blind for unrelated reasons and she lassoed Wally so that he could act as her seeing eye dog. It's all very normal.

Anyway, so Captain Cold and Captain Boomerang were all doing in-depth research on the Flash family tree. Boy, can I relate to that. Mirror Master hauled in the Turtle for the crime of being... around? I guess? And Weather Wizard found a note tapped to their door inviting the Rogues to a Rogues fight.

In the next issue the Rogues broke the Trickster out of jail and then they tried to hunt down the corpse of the previous Captain Boomerang. It didn't go so well.

Hartley showed up and kidnapped Zoom's wife which was an ABSOLUTELY BALLSY THING TO DO MY GUY. Speaking of kidnappings, Zoom kidnapped Jay because he wanted Jay to build him a cosmic treadmill.

Then we get our Rogue fight. Captain Cold, Mirror Master, Weather Wizard, Captain Boomerang and the new Trickster vs Wally's best friend (Pied Piper), Wally's childhood best friend (Magenta), Heat Wave and the old Trickster. Someone start blasting the John Cena wrestling music because I associate that with massive showdowns and this is one for the century!

But what exactly was the titular character The Flash doing during all of this, I hear you ask. Well. Wally and Linda spent this issue in the doctor's office running tests and finding out that they couldn't have children. It's all very depressing and we're going to move past it because I won't do the scene justice.

Anyway, so the Rogues were fighting each other and we find out that Hartley's team was working for the FBI. They weren't the ones who had sent the Rogues the note inviting them to a Rogue fight. No, they were just a random, convenient grouping of Rogues who happened to have a bone to pick.

Cut to issue three and Wally was at work. He heard on the news that there's trouble going on so naturally he suits up and heads out. He arrived, in the middle of the Rogue fight, and he had no fucking clue what was happening because there were about nine Rogues duking it out in the middle of the street for no reason.

Now there are three teams. The og Rogues, who want to quell the Rogue uprising and find the previous Captain Boomerang's corpse. The FBI Rogues, who have the previous Captain Boomerang's corpse and don't want to give it up for FBI reasons. And Wally, who would really like them to stop breaking skyscrapers please and thank you.

So they're all fighting and causing just an insane amount of damage to the city when all of sudden the Top shows up out of nowhere and is all "Aha! Rogue fight!!" and suddenly there were four teams in this fight. And that's not all! Turns out the Top was the one who left the note and he had his own Rogue team at his beck and call. Girder, Murmur, Plunder, Tar Pit and Double Down now enter the fight.

There were FOURTEEN Rogues all trying to murder each other and Wally was left scrambling to make sure that they a) don't kill each other, b) don't kill him, and c) don't kill any civilians. Wally did knock out Hartley at one point and then Wally brought him back to his house to crash on his couch which was very cash money of him. Wally was like "go sleep off your bad decisions and we'll talk about this over breakfast ❤️"

But yeah, Wally was straight up not having a good time. Captain Cold killed the Top and shattered bits of his body everywhere, fires were raging because Heat Wave decided to go nuts, both Tricksters were battling it out mid air with acid bombs, ect, ect.

While this is all going on, Zoom's wife found Captain Boomerang's body and he was very much a zombie. The FBI wanted a zombie Captain Boomerang for... reasons, I guess? Cap begged for death so Zoom's wife let him die. Terrible timing though because right when he died the new Captain Boomerang barged into the room. See, the new Captain Boomerang was the previous Boomerang's son and he wasn't happy to see what he thought was a random lady killing his father.

So he threatened to kill Zoom's wife.

Not a great idea.

Zoom showed up and took his wife somewhere safe. That safe place was Wally's living room because it's fucking Zoom and he does whatever he wants.

And now we have five teams. The OG Rogues, the FBI Rogues, Top's Rogues, Wally and Zoom. Why was Zoom on his own team? Why wasn't he fighting with a Rogue group? Well, before Zoom was Zoom, he was an FBI analyst who specialized in the Rogues. He hated them with every fiber of his being. Zoom's main goal was to make Wally suffer but killing a bunch of Rogues was irresistible to him. Plus, they threatened his wife.

This was apparently too easy for Wally though. I mean, fourteen Rogues and Zoom at the same time? Pfft. Come on. So naturally Captain Cold called in Dr. Alchemy to distract Wally. Dr. Alchemy apparently thought 'distract' meant 'brutally beat him' because, by god, the man did not go light on the already extremely beat up and tired speedster.

But that's not enough. No, Cold was like "This is still too easy. Call in the big guns." So they brought out Grodd.

16 Rogues and Zoom versus a man who was bleeding out on the floor. Super awesome and fair fight. You love to see it.

Bart ran in at this point and was all "you never invite me to anything fun, Wally". Because Jay's missing and Wally's at deaths door and Bart learned from Wally that you hide your emotions under a layer of sarcasm at all times. Wally genuinely thanked him for the help and, at the realization that this was so serious that they were abandoning snark, Bart responded with a genuine "you're welcome". In one of my favorite blink-and-you'll-miss-it scenes, Bart and Wally stood back to back, surrounded by Rogues, prepared to make their last stand.

Then Zoom swooped in and killed a few. Zoom said his iconic line "I don't give a shit about the Rogue stuff. This is a speedster fight now." (I'm paraphrasing) Zoom grabbed Bart and threatened to snap his neck. Bart said his iconic line "Do it. You won't." (I'm paraphrasing but not as much as you'd think). Zoom then said his iconic line of "SPKFDVL" (not paraphrasing)

At this point Zoom decided that 16 Rogues and himself was WAY too easy for Wally. So naturally he invited Eobard Thawne to the party. Eobard showed up to the fight fashionably late on a cosmic treadmill. One that had Jay chained to the hood like a dead deer.

We still have two issues left people, so buckle up because it doesn't get less insane from here on out.

The Rogues actually had pretty good survival instincts so they took Zoom's whole "speedster fight" thing to heart and they bailed. They got out of there like rats abandoning a burning building.

Wally then showed the world how smart he was and managed to free Bart and Jay. Wally then showed the world how dumb he was and fought Eobard and Hunter on the cosmic treadmill. They then started time traveling with about as much control and finesse as a drunk driver in a snow storm.

They did a hit and run somewhere in the time stream. Poor Captain Boomerang. He got knocked into the arms of Meloni Thawne in the far off future. (And that's how Bart's brother Owen was born)

Hunter's whole plan here was to take Wally back in time to force him to watch Hunter's previous vicious attack on Wally's then pregnant wife, Linda. This attack was devastating as Hunter's attack caused Linda to miscarry the couple's unborn twins. Hunter wanted to make Wally suffer because Hunter thought tragedy would make Wally a better hero.

Eobard's just there cause he likes fucking with people.

So the two of them hold Wally down to make him watch the worst moment of his life when BARRY FUCKING ALLEN SHOWS UP.

You know. The man who has been dead for years.

You see, Barry was also time traveling because of course he was, he's Barry Allen. While Barry didn't have a single clue about what was happening, Barry saw an adult Wally getting beat up and the man went into a rage. That's his KID goddammit.

Barry did his whole best dad thing and gave Wally a pep talk. Wally, for his part, was pretty chill about time traveling Barry because honestly time traveling Barry showing up wasn't really as uncommon of an occurrence as you would think. Barry then dragged Eobard back in time to kill him (not joking).

Okay we're in the end game now.

Wally kicked the shit out of Hunter and threw him in front Linda, shielding her from Hunter's attack. Hunter flipped out and tried to operate the cosmic treadmill but he fucked up and hurled himself through time. Skill issue.

Wally time traveled back to the present where him, Bart and Jay yelled insults at the retreating Rogues because the Rogues were holding them at Turtle point.

The three made a mad dash to the hospital when they heard news that Linda was Not. Okay. Linda went from not pregnant to nine months pregnant in the span of a second because Wally fucked with time. Linda was in labor and EVERYONE WAS FREAKING OUT.

And that's the story of how the West twins were born.

The End.

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