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#i HATE that im still not convinced i had an e.d. im stuck between feeling like i do and feeling like i dont and i hate it bc it ends up w m
golisopod-mutual
·
3 years
Text
:/
#dont read these ok im just upset lol
#vent hours lol
#i HATE that im still not convinced i had an e.d. im stuck between feeling like i do and feeling like i dont and i hate it bc it ends up w m
#just feeling like i might have one? but i also might be invalid and faking it
#and so i end up just feeling shitty and invalid. and like i dont deserve help and/or couldnt get help if i wanted to
#i had an ok day today. i ate approx. 1500 calories. which is a lot for me and its causing some anxiety im trying to ignore
#but now im like 'oh i ate a lot today so surely i dont have a disorder right?'
#like i KNOW i fit the diagnostic criteria for atypical anorexia. i know i do. but i feel like i dont
#i feel like i should be afraid of carbs and eating 200 calories a day and obsessively exercising. and im not like that
#and bc thats what my brain says an ed looks like it says i dont have one bc im not doing those things
#and then theres the whole 'oh you cant have a restrictive e.d youre overweight' thing that i cant shake
#every time i start to really believe i have an ed the invalidating thoughts pop back up and i go back to feeling like im a fraud
#i wish i was sicker so i could just know for sure and so ppl would take me and my problem seriously
#and i know wanting to be sicker is not something a normal healthy person does! i know that!!
#i know ppl without an ed dont do half the shit i do. and yet i still cant convince myself i have one
#and i hate that if i came out and said to the ppl in my life 'oh lol i think i have an e.d' ppl would assu
#assume i was lying
#bc im not thin or sick enough!!!
#and everyone just wants to tell me how great i look now and how awesome my weight loss has been and how ive inspired them to diet too
#and i really cant stand it!!! thinking bout that tweet thats like 'ppl wont tell you you're fat but they'll tell you if you USED to be fat'
#everyone tells me how great im doing bc nobody cares if im starving myself and purging after i eat.
#all they care abt is that the fat girl is losing weight
#and idk how to cope w that!! how do i handle ppl unknowingly encouraging me to starve myself bc they cant shut up abt how cool
#my weight loss is and how much better i look now?
#and i hate the discrepancy between my brain n my feelings bc i know logically i fit diagnostic criteria for an ed but i dont FEEL like i do
#and the feelings usually win out over the logic and then i feel like a big fraud whos faking it
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