#i SHOULD qualify as far as i can tell so idk what the deal is

[romeulusroy]

Succession Preference: Tattooed Baby Sibling

Requested: Hi! Hope you are well! Idk if you're taking requests atm, feel free to ignore this if so! But I was thinking of a preference for The Roy Siblings. In which the reader would be their baby sibling, but they have A LOT of tattoos and maybe how the family reacts to them or or how they deal with that part of their sibling? - anon

A/N: I love this!!! I only have about 30, so idk if I qualify as tattooed person just yet lol, but picturing this is fantastic! Thank you for requesting my love!!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💜💜

Connor comes from a different generation. He's not used to seeing tattoos in the professional world. Knowing this, you keep yourself pretty covered until you can't. It's at Caroline's wedding you shed some layers, letting your skin show in the heat. He's taken aback. He knew you had a few, but you're covered now. You catch him staring, unsure of his emotions, ready to defend yourself like always: they won't stop you from getting a job, they're a freedom of expression and art, they make you feel more at home in your body, some are just funny and others far more sentimental, that it's your money and you can spend it however you want, etc. Instead though, he just gives you a small smile. "I like the one by your elbow, kiddo." He has a lot of questions, like what does it feel like to get them and why you gravitate towards them when others, like him, feel no need. He knows you get enough judgment from your mother and father. He's your biggest brother, he loves you no matter what.

Kendall doesn't really understand them. Like Connor, he has questions, though you're often reverting back to your childhood self when you answer them: totally defensive. You're busy showing them off to Kerry when you catch his attention. There are a few fresh ones, still raised and irritated. It makes his skin hurt just looking at it. You're completely covered now, working on filling in the gaps. He doesn't see the appeal. He thought, like most "phases", you'd grow out of it, but these things are permanent. Forever. It's a big commitment he could never make. What if he likes something today and hates it tomorrow? You assure him you've never felt that way, but if you ever do, it's something you liked once and that's enough. He makes some not so great remarks about professionalism and what happens when you get older, but they're all out of big brother concern. Eventually you tell him that they've never affected your ability to get a job and that they'll look cool just like they do now when you're older. End of discussion. He doesn't hate them, but he doesn't think they're great either, especially you being his baby sibling. He'll never approve.

Shiv has always wanted to get a matching tattoo with you. Something small, delicate, tasteful, probably on her ankle. You make plans for this, but it never happens. You can never agree on what you want. You urge her to hurry up since you're running out of space. She loves them, she thinks they're really cool and also a huge middle finger to your father. You're always eager to show her the newest ones. She wouldn't expect anything less from you. You've been drawing on yourself since you could hold a marker. Every time you came home from school covered in ink your father would order either one of your siblings or one of the nannies to scrub you til skin came off. He barked that this was unacceptable behavior, but it never stopped you from doing it again. Now look at you. She doesn't hold the same fears or beliefs as your brothers. She's under the belief that if it makes you happy, truly happy, and it doesn't kill Logan, then it's fine. Why should anyone try to stop you? It's a tattoo, that's all.

Roman is the least bothered by them. Why would he care? It's not his body. He calls Connor and Kendall old men for being so uptight about it. Does he make fun of you to no end about them? Of course. Oh no y/n, a Chipotle bag threw up all over you! Looks like you've still got some unused space right. . . there. Where's Waldo am I right? If I can find the end of the maze do I get a prize? He has a habit of poking fresh tattoos and feigning ignorance, too. How am I supposed to know what's new and what's not? He also loves to point out new ones to your mother and father, who both despise them. Oops, did I do that? He runs away before you can hit him. He understands, while also an aesthetic thing, it's about pain, too. There's something satisfying about the needle that you can't get anywhere else. That noise, the constant poking, the radiating ache. He gets it. You all have to do what you gotta do to get by. A need to go back, this inner wanting for the pain again. It's socially acceptable and you get permanent art to go along with it. Win-win.

#requested #preference #connor roy #connor roy imagine #connor roy headcanon #connor roy x reader #kendall roy #kendall roy imagine #kendall roy headcanon #kendall roy x reader #shiv roy #shiv roy imagine #shiv roy headcanon #shiv roy x reader #roman roy #roman roy imagine #roman roy headcanon #roman roy x reader #succession #succession imagine #succession headcanon #succession x reader

[foulserpent]

im not sure im getting a stimulus.................................................

#the 'get my payment' thing on the irs site has no results for me LOL #i SHOULD qualify as far as i can tell so idk what the deal is #bc this one includes college students this time? and i was a college student in 2020 and earned all my income so not claimable as a dependen #but i feel like if theres an issue its somewhere in that

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. once the trial plot line is finally wrapped up (at best maybe itll end in december) we still have to deal with apollo, and leto, and thetis, and eros and psyche, AND kronos, oh and you know, the actual hymn to demeter and even just hxp getting together, which is both rushed and dragged out. like how has it almost been four years and still so little has happened and we still have way too many plots to deal with?

2. i see one excuse for LO is "well its free content! dont critique it!" like girl, we know she's making a lot of money just off fast pass alone, not counting books, merch, etc, also she's being paid by the company too as well as ad revenue, so its not really free, is it?

3. LO Persephone is Veruca Salt from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory.

4. lets be very frank here. if rachel was a woman of color pulling the shit she does in comic and on social media, shed be so hated as a regressive person with conservative ideas who is selling a horrible story and messages to her young fans, but because she's a white lady they hold her up as the goddamn messiah. theres so many better BIPOC creators who know what to do with this mythology and make it fresh and interesting and yet shes held up as the authority on it and coddled? sounds about white.

5. i dont get where lo fans claims antis are "apollo apologetics" bc literally none of us like him, we like actual mythology apollo and hate rachel took an interesting and diverse god and made him That Way to push her badly written romance along. No one is excusing him and idk where they're claiming thats from?

From OP: Exactly! I have no clue they got that from. Plus, every “Apollo Apologetic” I’ve seen so far likes LO and/or is active in the fandom.

6. that other anon hit the nail on the head. persephone isnt a character dictating the story like she should be, she's just being pulled along by everyone else or just rachel forcing it, all so persephone cant be held accountable for any action, good or bad, it just happens to her. this wouldnt be a problem if it werent for the fact it claims it's about "empowering" persephone and giving her agency to make her own choices, yet she doesnt even have that in this story, even less than the myths, IMHO.

7. does rachel know having hades be a threatening dick towards his pseudo son thanatos actually makes him less qualified to be a father? you cant tell us his biggest dream is to have a family yet when given the chance to care for a child he mentally and emotionally abuses and threatens them with physical violence over any little temper tantrum hades has. how is demeter seen as the abusive parent when she clearly doted and spoiled persephone, but hades is held up as the one "deserving" of a family?

8. hades' whole 'you should be grateful that i raised you FOR FREE and mentored you' is literally verbatim something my physically and emotionally abusive father said to me. that, PLUS him flinching away from hades/shivering, PLUS hades' constant anger at thanatos. just really rubs me the wrong way.

9. im also confused? bc persephone clearly isnt comfortable with how violent and angry hades is, yet she never pushes back on this, and even if she tries he does nothing but a momentary "apology" at best but goes right back to it, and seems to have only upped it recently much to her discomfort. it's (hopefully unintentionally) like how we saw rhea and kronos, where she only dealt with his anger with her body. idk why but rachel is making a strong case their eventual marriage won't be a happy one.

-----FP Spoilers/Mention-----

10. fp spoilers

dude 😭 i dont have words. badly written characters be like: barely 1 minute in we have perse all “*is forced to share her trauma due to fear*” meanwhile hades: “*has a temper tantrum* *2 seconds later* you should not be consoling me” trash can fire comic.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lore olympus critical #lo critical

[yandere-daydreams]

Idk if this qualifies as a request, but yandere Diavolo. Being the Prince of hell surely come with its perks. His darling will be totally isolated, at his mercy, and there's nothing others can do to help them. Dressed in the finest clothes, having luxurious meals... but at what price? And even better if his darling is not the MC from the game, just some random human playing with salt and gylphs and pooff! The Prince of hell is there and lovestruck on the spot!

I think I’ve been in a supernatural mood, lately. It helps that Lord Diavolo is such an intimacy-starved, impulsive little creep. He’d just latch onto his Darling so *quickly*... it makes for good content. 

TW: Non-Consensual Drug Use and Unhealthy Relationships.

~

You should’ve known better than to trust him.

Everyone said you should be careful, when playing with these things. The spellbook was old, older than any other piece of text you’d ever come across, and everyone said to be wary of whatever you tried. You hadn’t taken it seriously (you still didn’t, honestly), but that hadn’t stopped him from materializing in his winged, gold-plated glory with a smile that almost made you forget it’d taken a bowl of your own blood to get his attention. You tried to be apprehensive when he said he’d taken a liking to you, tried to hesitate when he took your arm and told how lovely his domain was, but it was all you could do not to jump at the offer the moment it was extended.

Everyone said you should be careful, but they were thinking of monsters and curses and evil things. Diavolo wasn’t evil. He was nice, friendly, kind, more lonely than malicious. He needed a friend, and you considered yourself a candidate fit for the role. The Devildom, Diavolo, all of it seemed too good to be true.

But, it was true. And no one could’ve blamed you for taking advantage of your host’s generosity.

With that in mind, you didn’t stop yourself from collapsing onto a velvet-lined chair, as plush as it was gaudy. Diavolo wasn’t a subtle man, but you hadn’t expected the Prince of Hell to be, nor did you see an issue with his extravagance. He sighed as he slid into the seat across from you, watching as you leaned back and made yourself comfortable. Bags were scattered at your feet, each logo colorful and unfamiliar, the contents equally as foreign to you. Part of you knew they’d remain untouched for far too long, but you buried the guilt as soon as it arose. Diavolo would’ve teased you for being so frugal, especially when his budget was practically non-existent. “I’m exhausted,” You mumbled, if only to take you mind off the wasted revenue. “I don’t see how demons keep themselves so busy. It’s only been a few days, but I could go comatose and be happy.”

He hummed in acknowledgement, waving over a butler you didn’t know the name off. Diavolo seemed hesitant to introduce you to... well, anyone, but that was to be expected when dealing with demons and creatures known for preying on humans like you, even if those creatures seemed more intent on providing tea and pastries than flaying you alive. Still, your attempts to thank and smile at the nameless man barely earned you a disinterested glance, and you sunk into yourself a little farther. “It’s only natural. Humans have always been on the weaker side.” You scowled, shooting him a glare, and he waved you off with a dismissive laugh. “Don’t give me that look, you’re the one who was whining about having to carry your own purchases.”

“Purchases you insisted I make.” There was an edge to your tone, but a playful one. You took a sip of tea that’d been set in front of you to hide your smile, finding the flavor unexpectedly sweet. You took another without being forced, your mind beginning to switch gears as you relaxed. “It’s been a while, though, hasn’t it?” You asked, averting your eyes to the wooden tabletop when he nodded. “I should check-in… with the human world, I mean. I know I told everyone I’d be gone for a while, but--”

“It’ll be fine, then.” He cut you off, unwavering. He’d never done that before. “It’s not your problem if they start to worry.”

You sighed, shaking your head. “I don’t know what kind of friends you have, but people don’t just… disappear, where I’m from. You make a call every couple of days, or tell someone when you’re coming back. I was in such a rush, I just spouted something about leaving before taking off with you.” You paused, laughing to yourself. Diavolo hadn’t touched his porcelain cup, something jarringly out of character. “Besides, I’ve got a life, y’know. I don’t want to let things get ahead of me, even it’s been nice to take a break.”

He scoffed, squaring his shoulder’s defensively. You attempted to meet his eyes, but your body felt so heavy. You must’ve been more tired than you realized. “Still, four weeks is hardly a--”

“Four weeks?” You couldn’t hide your shock, perking up and bracing yourself on the tabletop. You felt like getting up, pushing yourself to your feet and making a more desperate display, but it would’ve been useless. You couldn’t leave without Diavolo’s help, and he didn’t appear to feel an ounce of the same urgency you did. “I can’t… It’s been a month? People are probably looking for me, they probably think I’m dead. I have to--”

“You don’t have to do anything.” He was calm, utterly tranquil, refusing to pity your outburst with a reaction. You gawked as he pushed himself up, toying with the cuffs of his sleeve absentmindedly. “You’re happy here, aren’t you?”

You cringed, biting back a handful of choice words. “Yes, but--”

“Then you don’t have to leave.” He took a step towards you, then another, towering over you once he decided to make his full height apparent. You should’ve staved off the intimidation, gritted your teeth and told him you wanted to go home now, but it was all you could to do keep yourself sitting up straight. “I take care of you. You summoned me, and I’ve served you. I’ve fulfilled every desire you’ve wanted fulfilled.” You weren’t talking, but your throat felt dry, the tea’s aftertaste turning bitter on your tongue. “You don’t have a reason to leave. You have everything you could ever want, here.”

You opened your mouth just as his hand found its way to your head, carding through your hair lightly. Affectionately. You’d asked him not to touch you, but he never seemed to listen. “I can’t stay,” You reiterated, although your tone lacked the force it’d once had. “I need to go home, before something comes up that I won’t be able to handle.”

His response came in the form a quiet hush, a gentle tug to the back of your head that left you pressed against his chest, your face buried in the fabric of his blazer. You made an attempt to bat his arm away, to push yourself up, but a spike of pure fatigue pulsed through your body, leaving you collapsing into Diavolo. The taste turned caustic, burning the inside of your mouth. Eating away at your resolve like battery acid.

“You worry too much,” He assured, a hint of something blissfully happy worming its way into his demeanor. “We’re together for a reason, aren’t we? You’ve got to let me take care of this, (Y/n).”

The world around you was fading steadily, the corners of your vision already going dark, but Betrayal’s blade was dull. You couldn’t find it in yourself to be surprised.

These things were always too good to be true, right?

#yandere #yandere love #yandere x reader #yandere x you #yandere prompt #yandere imagines #yandere scenerio #yandere oneshot #yandere drabble #obey me #yandere obey me #obey me imagines #obey me x reader #obey me: one master to rule them all #lord diavolo #yandere lord diavolo #lord diavolo x reader #yandere diavolo #yandere demon #yanderecore #yandere core

[janiedean]

ooh so linked to the Brienne ask re: the kingsguard part. What are your thoughts on Aerys’ kingsguard, especially like Arthur Dayne who Jaime from what I remember has complicated feelings for but pretty much idolises him. And they’re so loved by almost everyone in universe!!! Like idk how to think about them really my feelings for them are also complicated

+ okay good because I honestly don’t see why people love them so much like most of the things we’ve heard about them are like. Objectively bad. And like yeah the idea of them is cool but well that can only go so far. also I’m sorry if these asks are a mess I’m exhausted!! ALSO I think you’re amazing for answering all of us anons with such detail I always love coming on to your blog

(putting both asks in the same place uu)

in order: the fact that they're loved by everyone in-universe and fandom actually likes them (or at least arthur dayne hahahahaha god) is like... some of george's best trolling because guess what the entire point is that they're supposed to look like amazing people/the real deal when instead they're all terrible the end - except again for the poor martell prince whom we don't know enough about and I'll give him a pass bc martell people are usually not stupid af but in order:

as I said george has made a point of stating that knighthood is a rotten institution and the kg especially aerys being like... what should be the highest honor for a knight is equally as rotten as knigthood in general and is made of people who do Not Deserve The Title - I mean again hey it's orders so marital rape is fine, hey we're leaving the 15yo to man an entire castle? WHY NOT, the king is mad? WELL WE SWORE TO SERVE HIM, like not counting martell prince there isn't one single person in the aerys kg except jaime who actually upheld the oaths they swore ie protecting the innocent so make of that what you will

the fact that jaime aka the fifteen year old is literally the only one who gets the job and then goes there like 'hey we're basically covering for marital rape what the fuck' and no one else bats an eyelid should already say everything there is to say about these people's moral standard

the fact that none of them actually stuck up for the fifteen-year old who was obviously not ready for the job nor tried to idk do anything to make it easier on him or whatever also says everything about their moral standard because honestly fuck you

the fact that everyone thinks they're amazing jaime included when they're all pretty much shitty is like... well, same as fandom does, which means that the readers bought what people in-narrative do... except that the moment you scratch the surface it's really damned bad

and I'm saying barristan is on thin ice because from his chapters you can see he's like... not a bad dude but like his reaction to jaime being in there still when he saw aerys is 'ah that fucker who killed the king and was so proud he had to try and get into it at fifteen'? like??? fuck you?? honestly the fact that all of them literally served a dude who put people on fire and was a menace/danger to the realm and then have the gall to think that jaime is the worst or who didn't like try to help him or anything while he was obv struggling with his vows and the fact that he was serving a madman says all about their moral standards, again

and honestly arthur dayne is the literal worst of all of them because like - first of all oh you knight the 15yo who goes along with you slaying bandits and you don't try to dissuade him from joining the kg? what the fucking fuck am I supposed to think - second of all you don't even warn him of what is expecting him when he joins when you've been there for a while? - but third of all which drives me insane and I hate that fandom sleeps on it and goes around happily like ARTHUR/LYANNA THE SHIP OF DREAMS... okay listen like I have literally zero investment in lyanna as a character or in r + l and I don't necessarily think he did everything - I think they had a mutual infatuation and eloped and she sorely regretted it and then it was on r. who shouldn't have like acted on it because he happened to be the 20+ year old with a wife and kids, but there's the whole tower of joy situation - in which sorry but we have arthur fucking off KL with other kg people and leaving all the others in the literal shit bc they'd have to deal with aerys and it'd be less of them than they should be, to go with rhaegar to the tower of joy to help him elope which whatever, and then lyanna was left there after r. had to go back... when her brother and father were burned alive and like if she knew that then I doubt she'd have wanted to stay and if she didn't then they withheld fairly important fucking information, so like he stayed there guarding a pregnant 15-16 yo who most likely did not want to be there and who is pregnant by his best friend whose family oh accidentally murdered half of hers........ and lyanna was there even after rhaegar died so I mean it's not like the moment he happened this dude goes and says 'hey maybe we should actually go back and see if we can solve this mess' no he kept her prisoner there anyway - on top of that... here I'm wildly speculating but: he had to know rhaegar was dead and when ned showed up if we are to believe him and idt he was unreliable on that... ned didn't want to fight him or kill him he just wanted to get his sister and leave and like he was most likely in love with ashara aka arthur's sister so why the fuck would he want to kill him right, and like rhaegar's dead and arthur has nothing to lose by letting ned up especially knowing that lyanna is fucking dying in childbirth like she's dying her brother's there just let him up and solve it later esp when the dude doesn't want to kill you....... but no ned had to kill him because he wouldn't budge and why the fucking fuck wouldn't you budge at that point? your side lost the war, the guy you were friends with that you did all of this for is dead, the girl is about to die at least let her die with her family, why? - only thing I can deduce from it: that rhaegar told him that the baby's survival was the most important thing because third head of the dragon blah blah blah and that if the war was lost to just grab the baby and lyanna if she survived and fuck off to essos until he grew up, except that lyanna didn't survive so the conclusion is that he tried to stop ned from going up there bc he'd have found out about the baby and tried to stop them and at that point who gives a fuck if lyanna died or not but he'd have liked... let her die and kill ned in the process and done that most likely, and sorry but when they knightly vows are, I would like to remind everyone, In the name of the Warrior I charge you to be brave. In the name of the Father I charge you to be just. In the name of the Mother I charge you to defend the young and innocent. In the name of the Maid I charge you to protect all women…. like... what, what exactly has this dude done that would qualify as that? because lyanna would be young and innocent and a woman and he basically is letting her die, that behavior does not qualify as bravery and he'd like... deny the kid a chance of growing up with his family period if he killed ned and he didn't seem to particularly give a fuck las we checked, and that's like not counting the whole 'oh I won't tell the 15yo who idolizes me that he's signing

his life away to trauma nor I will support him for shit when he does' part of it, but the tower of joy stuff is shady whichever way you look at it and honestly the more time passes the more I'm convinced this guy is just a complete pos and the worst of them all except gregor when it comes to like 'people thinking you're a good knight and you're actually a pos instead' and I'm dying on that hill until george proves me wrong

and on that the thing is that... I ranted about it once here but basically jaime idolizes the shit out of him because he never saw that even if his subconscious kinda knows because when he had the weirwood dream his greatest fear was confronting the former kg and everyone was accusing him of stuff he couldn't have physically prevented (more ranting on the weirwood dream here) and he's there like 'ah I wanted to be arthur dayne but I became the smiling knight instead' but like... actually he is more of a true knight than arthur dayne can ever hope to be? because like in the above meta I was talking specifically about how to pia he's like... better than arthur dayne, but like not to be that person but jaime who thinks he's the gregor clegane of his time and not arthur dayne, while arthur dayne was... doing the shady toj thing with lyanna - saved an entire city from aerys blowing it up - risked his neck for brienne even if he didn't even like her as in he got himself kicked in a healing stump when he couldn't even stand up for himself so she wouldn't be raped - risked his neck going back for her at harrenhal and jumped into the bear pit without even knowing how he'd manage it - was actually being a decent person to tommen until c. forced him to leave - the moment he saw what happened with pia he gave her her rapist's head when she's like a commoner no one gaf about and took her into her service - when his squire wanted to bed her he like told him to be kind to her jfc - is per tyrion the only relative who actually loved him/freed him/actually stuck up for him (and tysha is on tywin thank you all very much and jaime feels so great about it he doesn't think about it until he can't anymore) (also he was the one chasing the bandits away in the first place so he was probably there like oH I HELPED A MAIDEN too lmao god fuck tywin) - actually stuck for his cat vow bc he took riverrun without bloodshed - sent brienne after sansa with the magic amazing sword because he wanted to upheld their shared vow to cat going against his own family - the moment brienne shows up like hey wanna blow this joint and leave the army you don't wanna lead to find sansa he didn't even like blink before saying yes and I'm supposed to think that in between him and arthur dayne he isn't the only one who actually stuck to his vows as well as he could/knows anything about them/is actually a trueknight™? because lmao the fact that jaime doesn't fancy himself one because of aerys when everyone fancies arthur dayne one when the latter did absolutely fucking nothing beyond slaying bandits to put his money where his mouth was while jaime didn't even like brand himself like that and still did all of that and half of it was acting on instinct not even like doing the math before and *he* was the one wanting to be knighted at fifteen and took his vows seriously when oh wait knightly vows are basically the epitome of selflessness is like again grrm trolling the hell out of everyone characters included but it's clear from the narrative imvho and I can't wait for the moment he serves the just desserts and a) jaime realizes it b) everyone else in-narrative realizes it c) bran timetravels to the fucking toj and we find out what actually went down there and this saint arthur narrative is burned to the ground because honestly no

there, I think I spat out almost all of my venom XD

#anonymous #ask post #janie writes meta #ch: jaime lannister #ch: arthur dayne #anti arthur dayne #spoilers: ALMOST because like #everyone writes fic abt arthurlyanna raising jon in essos being IN LOOVEEEE #which honestly... given the premises is like guys ship what you want but i'm skeptical #and then I had to stand through years of ppl bashing on joncon #for having done THE EXACT SAME THING WITH AEGON #but oh he was pathetic for that apparently #like take your not really veiled homophobia and go honestly #bc giving shit to joncon for stuff that arthur or barristan already ddi #and WORSE for that matter #(or ned lmao) #is just.... never mind it's been years i'm still pissed off #only good thing about 8x05 is that the joncon hatred sort of stopped #bc they realized he wasn't wasted ink #but yeah nvm that here you go anon #i'mma stop now

[thegeminisage]

Dear Ms Liz: you're a certified adult so I was hoping you might have some advice for a hs senior such as myself who's in full blown paaaanic mode over college admissions. how do i *not* anxiety??

ok disclaimer that i did have to drop out of college so i feel like i may be unqualified to address most of the SPECIFICS re: higher ed, but i AM a certified adult and pretzels are the same, etc - meaning anxiety is anxiety is anxiety & i've had like 20+ years of practice managing it so maybe i am qualified for that much. this is a very sweet ask actually im honored anybody has this much faith in me

anyway first of all address the root of the fear. what EXACTLY are you scared of? not getting them done in time? of doing badly on them? of picking the wrong schools? i've had..."a lot"...of "therapy"... & the most helpful part so far was learning the skill of figuring out WHY you feel a particular way, bc that helps w/ addressing it. if you're worried about not getting them done in time, try to work on them a little bit at a time instead of letting dread paralyze you and then getting into a cycle of fear-based procrastination. if it's doing badly on them, maybe you can get a teacher or guidance counselor* or older relative or friend to look them over for you and give you validation. it's about figuring out what you need to feel less overwhelmed and scared, and then securing that for yourself. it's a good skill to have!!!

(*i might be talking out of my ass here but i feel like unless you go to a completely garbage public school you should be able to find SOMEBODY in that building willing to be a pair of second eyes for you. if not, try online. i just checked and r*ddit has a sub called r/applyingtocollege. bad website yes but as long as you don't venture into the wrong parts you can get advice from all kinds of people bc normies use it. source: i have gotten good advice there before! it's never a bad thing to ask for help or ask questions - at the very least it shows other people that you're taking shit seriously and being proactive, yk?)

secondly i CAN tell you this will NOT be your only opportunity at higher ed. my brother had to drop out at the same time as me (money, sigh) and eventually he saved up and went back. and it was no big deal, and now he has a job in his chosen field! so in the absolute worst case scenario that your cat eats every one of the applications & none of them get turned in, it is still not the end of the world. idk, sometimes i like to hash out worst case scenarios and make contingency plans - this can turn into catastrophizing if you aren't careful, but sometimes i find that doing that makes me realize, logically, how unlikely a worst case scenario is and how recoverable it can be. like, i doubt my house will ever catch fire, but having a plan to get me & the pets to safety and knowing that even if my house is gone me & the pets would still be ok still makes me feel BETTER? if you're playing disaster scenarios in your head anyway you may as well give them happy endings.

AND finally. wow sorry this got long. please remember that emotions are temporary. actually everything is temporary but especially feelings. people are sort of like computers in that if you turn it off and turn it back on again they work better. make sure you are getting enough food, actual water, sleep, deep breathing, enrichment in your enclosure, etc. you'd be amazed at how much seeing to your physical needs will make the mental stress seem less dire and all-consuming. a lot of the time if the FEELING seems too big and too much and you can't handle it like you can just...wait it out. bc it's temporary. like literally sometimes you can just take a nap and suddenly it seems a lot more manageable, yk?

ok this has gotten long enough but GOOD LUCK!! i think youre gonna ace those admissions, but i also think even if you dont youre gonna have a great time doing other stuff and that you'll be ok <3

#liz answers asks #anonymous #sorry that's a lot of words for a college dropout. ilu though it's gonna be ok #come back anytime idk anything about school but i'd love to know how it went <3 #also if anybody reading this does have more knowledge about school feel free 2 chime in

[justsasuke]

Here’s the thing about Kakashi. He’s quite possibly Konoha’s worst (yes, you read that right) worst Sensei. Mostly due to the fact that he’s so caught up in his guilt and past that he literally had nothing to give his students.

I’m not saying this to hate on Kakashi, he’s his own person with very valid struggles and I don’t want to slam him bc of his life experiences, but for the purpose of this here writing I’m going to ignore Kakashi’s right to be stuck in the past and talk about why he isn’t qualified to do the job the 3rd Hokage assigned him. Specifically in relation to Sasuke (bc let’s be real, after shippuden started was Kakashi really Naruto and Sakura’s sensei anymore? also this blog is about Sasuke so if you’re expecting any other type of content IDK how to help you)

Let me start by saying Kakashi had a lot of potential to help Sasuke out; they come from somewhat similar backgrounds - prominent families in the village that at some point were no longer favorable to the village, and then losing said families.  Both were child prodigies and (I assume) had a lot of external pressure to live up to and not enough time to work through their own feelings...

you’d think with everything they had in common Kakashi could have used his experiences to relate to Sasuke and then guide him down a much healthier path--but instead he only made things worse.

and here’s where we get into the main meat of this rant and my list of reasons why Kakashi was a horrible sensei (grab some popcorn bc I’m about to go off)

1) Kakashi identifies Sasuke’s issues early...and then does nothing. without a doubt, Kakashi knew who Sasuke was.  He knew what had happened to the Uchiha clan, and he could probably imagine what kind of pain Sasuke was going through and yet when Sasuke very openly admits that he doesn’t have any purpose for his future except to avenge his clan Kakashi simply makes a mental note that it was ‘just as he thought’

2) Kakashi doesn’t really say anything nice... your mileage may vary with this one, and of course it’s a matter of personal taste, but Kakashi doesn’t say anything nice about Sasuke.  Not to his face anyway.  and it’s not just that he isn’t nice, he taunts him too. To a regular person this may not cause much damage, but we have to look at the fact that Sasuke has grown up alone and un-nurtured for the last 5 years and that the last person who was important in his literally told him that he was worthless and unfit for anything (hello root cause of Sasuke’s insecurity) Kakashi’s words then become really destructive and damaging to any chance he had of creating a safe space for Sasuke to open up and feel looked after/get the help he needed

3) Kakashi didn’t get it This happens during the infamous treetop chat, where he literally ties Sasuke to the tree so he can say what he wants to say. (red flag right there bc honestly what is with this village and constantly trying to force Sasuke to do what they want him to do without actually taking the time to listen to him or address his problems directly.  Seriously.  Also why are you waiting until just now to reach out to him when you’ve known he’s been struggling since day one.  see #1 on this rant)

I hate this scene because it’s a really good moment outside of the context of, well, Sasuke and all that he is and has been through. It was meant to be a call to reality scene where Kakashi helps Sasuke see that he’s not alone in his suffering, that he has friends who care about him, that leaving the village isn’t going to help him, and his life situation isn’t actually all that bad. (can you spot the sarcasm?)

Spoiler alert: this scene is another example of people who thought they understood Sasuke and knew how to help, which is not the same as actually understanding him and knowing how to help. See also Naruto, Sakura, and Gaara to name the most prominent other ones.

4) “sure, but everyone I ever loved is already dead... :)” Ok listen.  I get where Kakashi is coming from, I really do. but this line.  I hate it. Again, it’s a great line out of context of everything Sasuke is dealing with. And yeah, I can see why Kakashi thought it might help. But just to recap, Sasuke’s entire clan, his immediate family, probably the bulk of his friends because Bigotry™, his extended family, everything he’s known and loved and held dear, his security, the family culture he grew up with, any promise of a bright future etc. was taken away from him by his older brother whom he loved more than anything in one night.  He literally lost everything that would help him gain any sort of bearing of identity and sense of worth, not to mention anyone to love him, in one night.  and it was taken by the person he loved most, someone he trusted and looked up to and believed in.  And then that person told him he was completely worthless. Kakashi on the other hand lost his best friend during a ninja mission (a devastating loss but common within the context of everyone being ninja and it being wartime), and lost his father and other friend/crush? to suicide. All very real pains, but different than Sasuke’s.  

Sasuke’s lash out of “what if I killed everyone you ever cared about” was a plea for someone to understand the kind of agony he was carrying everyday, and Kakashi--who honestly out of everyone else should have sensed a need to sit and listen--ignored it by taking the opportunity to invalidate Sasuke’s very specific pain.

5) Kakashi kind of ....gave up? At some point it seems like Kakashi just gave up trying to help Sasuke and decided that it was unavoidable and inevitable that Sasuke was going to “go bad” and leave the village. I mean, he noticed it on day one, right? (srry, I’m salty about that one if you couldn’t tell).

6) Except he didn’t At some point he decides that as Sasuke’s sensei he should be the one to take responsibility for Sasuke going “bad” and kill him. Forget talking to him, forget apologizing for not taking the time to talk to him earlier, he decided that he’s going to fight Sasuke and “take care of the problem once and for all”.

I could go on, but at this point I think I should stop and take a really, really long walk. In summary:  While you’d expect Kakashi to have seen and treated Sasuke differently he didn’t, and while he was set up to be the perfect mentor character to Sasuke (Naruto got Jiraiya so you’d think Kakashi would’ve stepped in to help Sasuke more) he really fell flat. Overall as a sensei I think he was too bogged down with his own pain and survivor’s guilt to really be present, and maybe he was too scared to help Sasuke grow because he thought if he fed the fire it would only get worse. In any case, other than teaching Sasuke chidori, Kakashi was really detached from Sasuke’s struggles except when he thought it had gone too far.  And by then it was too late to do any good. I think if he had stepped in a little more, listened a little more, helped Sasuke channel his feelings productively, maybe even helped Sasuke work through said feelings, things could’ve been great. He could’ve been the Iruka to Sasuke’s Naruto, you know?   but he wasn’t.

#Rant #Sasuke #Kakashi #Pro Sasuke #Thoughts #Answer to anon

[set-phasers-to-whump]

mistake

prompt: mistake

whumpee: nick burkhardt

fandom: grimm

hi here is my second whumpmas in july fic! it’s set around s3 and there is like. very little plot. do not think about anything too hard and it will be much more enjoyable :)

Nick’s arms are wrenched behind his back, trapped tightly by another, much larger, set of arms. His shoulders ache and he wonders for a second if they can get dislocated by this. Probably, he figures.

He kicks out with his feet, but the man standing in front of him kicks him right back, in the knee, and his leg buckles. The arms holding his arms are the only things holding him up for a second. His shoulders are on fire and he fights to regain his footing and finally manages to get his feet back under him. When he does, his legs are shaking slightly, and his knee really hurts.

“What do you want?” he asks. He imagines the answer will be nothing he hasn’t heard before - the only real question is whether it’s related to his work as a cop or as a Grimm. 

“You know what we want, Morris. Where is it?” asks the man in front of him, standing uncomfortably close, so that Nick can see the little details of his face in the twilight. 

And okay. He hasn’t heard that before. 

“Who’s Morris?”

The man punches him in the stomach. All the air in his lungs leaves him with a painful gasp, and he tries to bend forward, to curl over on himself protectively, but his arms are pinned so he doesn’t make it very far. He winces and straightens back up.

“I’m not in the mood for jokes. I’ll ask you again. Where. Is. It?”

“What are you talking about?” Nick asks, slightly breathless.  

This time, the man’s fist strikes his face. His head snaps to the side and his jaw throbs with pain. He turns his head back towards the man and glares.

“James Morris, I don’t know what the hell you’re on, but if you don’t tell me where the key is, I’m going to get nasty.”

“And you’ve been treating me so nicely up til now,” Nick can’t resist saying. 

The next punch hits him square in the nose. Blood starts pouring down his face, sticky and hot and warm, and he’s really angry now. 

“What do you want?” he asks again, the anger in his voice somewhat dampened by the thickness of it, courtesy of his bleeding nose. 

“I’m not doin’ this again,” grumbles the man in front of him. His next sentence is spoken to the man holding Nick. “Apparently, Morris has forgotten our…what is it again? Five year long business relationship?”

“My name isn’t Morris,” Nick says, realizing he probably should have said this a few punches ago. 

Both men laugh. The “sure it’s not,” is accompanied by a punch to the side of his head that makes his ears ring.

“I’m not whoever you think I am,” Nick insists. “My wallet’s in my pocket. Whoever you want, it’s not me.” Blood drips into his mouth and he spits it out. Right onto the shoes of his attacker (which he hadn’t exactly planned). He gets a slap across the face for his trouble, and it stings and makes his eyes water. 

“Please,” he says, blinking hard. “It’s in my front left pocket. Just check. My name is Nick.”

The man in front of him sighs. “What, got yourself a fake ID in there?”

Nick just shakes his head. The man reaches into Nick’s pocket and pulls out his wallet, flipping it open like he’s expecting to have a nice little told-you-so moment, which never comes. 

Nick watches as the man pulls out his (very real) driver’s license, his credit card, debit card…all with his name on them. 

“Shit,” says the man. “You’re really not him?”

“No,” Nick says, stressing the word as much as he possibly can. “Now will you leave me alone?”

The man looks pensive. “You gonna tell anyone about our little...mistake?”

Nick shakes his head. He really doesn’t want to have to explain this to anyone. And honestly, the only thing he’s interested in right now is getting home, cleaning the blood off his face, and sleeping for several hours. 

“Let him go.”

The man holding Nick shoves him away, and Nick stumbles, falling to the ground. His palms scrape the concrete and a jolt goes through his body, and when he looks up, the men are gone. His wallet is on the ground next to him, lying open, and nothing is missing from it. He grabs it and staggers to his feet, bracing a hand against the wall. The wallet goes back into his pocket, and Nick goes home. 

--

He has never before been glad that Juliette is out of town, but tonight he is. If she were here, she’d worry over him, ask him if he’d be willing to go to the doctor, ask him what had happened. Though Nick appreciates that sort of concern, he also doesn’t want any of it right now - he’s not hurt that bad, he definitely doesn't need a doctor, and he’s perfectly content to pretend like this had never happened. 

Nick stumbles through the front door into the empty house, taking extra care to double check that he’s locked himself in, and makes his way slowly to the bathroom.

Nick looks at himself in the mirror. There are bruises forming on his left cheek and on the right side of his face, in front of his ear. His nose is slightly swollen, and there is faint bruising appearing on either side of it, but he’s pretty sure it’s not broken. Dried blood is streaked across the bottom half of his face and down his neck. 

All in all, not bad. 

First things first, the blood. Nick wets a washcloth and carefully wipes the rusty-red blood away from his neck and face, wincing when the cloth makes contact with his aching nose. He then extricates himself from his shirt, wiping away still more blood that has found its way under the collar. 

There’s a bruise forming on his stomach, too, he discovers, and when he bends down to open a drawer, he feels it twinge. That’ll be just great to deal with at work for the next few weeks, he thinks. 

He finds what he’s looking for in the drawer - a bottle of ibuprofen - and takes two. If he hadn’t been alone, he wouldn’t’ve taken any (this isn’t exactly what qualifies as a bad injury for him), but there’s no one here to see him hurting (and he is hurting, though he is loath to admit it), so he lets himself do something to make it hurt less. 

Two somethings, actually. After he takes the ibuprofen, he leaves the bathroom, tossing his shirt with its bloodied collar into the laundry hamper. He changes into some pajamas and tries to ignore the livid bruising appearing on his knee, which is now aching fiercely. He walks (or rather, slightly limps) down to the kitchen, grabs a couple of ice packs from the freezer and some towels from the drawer, then carefully lies down on the couch. He wraps the ice packs in the towels, then sets one across his aching knee, one on his stomach, and presses the third to his face. They’re slightly uncomfortable, but he can already feel the cold starting to dull the pain.

He tries to think of the men and the alley and work out just why, exactly, they thought he was someone else, and what they had wanted from that someone else, but he’s tired and the pain is starting to fade away, and he just falls asleep instead.

thanks for reading this! like i said there was not really any kind of plot here...idk who these guys are or why they thought nick was someone else but idc i just wanted to beat him up a little :) i hope you liked it!

#whumpmasinjuly #mistake #grimm #nick burkhardt #my writing #i say things #beat up

[regicidal-defenestration]

Please tell me more about the mechsworld (discanisms?) Fic ideas

GLADLY

Under a readmore because it got ~long~ fdhfd

So this is split into three parts because unfortunately that’s the kind of person I am dfjghgj

Mechs + Death

According to Ao3’s word count, I have exactly 7306 thoughts on what would happen if the Mechanisms met Death (you know. The skeleton)

Because the thing is, Death (capital D) understands death (lower case d) perfectly well. He understands the process of life ending, he understands you go one way and only one way. After all, he’s got plenty of experience.

But! All of a sudden you’ve got this crew of eight people who definitely don’t stay dead like they should, plus the Toy Soldier, who’s a different deal entirely jdfghj

Now this doesn’t lead on to my next point really, but I’m moving on anway!

Death is a creature of belief, and so doesn’t obey the laws of physics as regular people. My favourite example of this is the Poker, which goes right through him, but does hit Teatime. Who else do we know that is powered by Belief (well. Narrative reasons (well. nanobots (well. Whatever fits best at the time)))

The Mechs!

All of them (Mechs and skeleton both) are powered by the story, and that is an incredibly interesting alley to explore

Also it’s fun to write situations where Death is inconvenienced .

Must there be “plot”? Is it not enough to imagine the Luggage, running full pelt towards you, the Toy Soldier riding on it’s back?

As the title kinda suggests, I have a bunch of ideas that aren’t full plots (and will likely never be because sometimes ideas just stay Ideas) but are fun to imagine

Ashes O’Reilly and Moist von Lipwig. If ever they started working together, basically you’d be fucked sdfgjhjk

They’d be terrifying at swindling, quite frankly, and if you compare their ability at maths and the like to that of the average Anhk-Morporkian well- it’s hardly a challenge at all

Of course, Ashes may well just take over the Post Office like they did the Acheron and all power to them!

Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson and Jonny d’Ville!

Jonny is the absolute opposite of Carrot in every conceivable way. Carrot wouldn’t hesitate to put him in jail as soon as he physically could and if Jonny thought it’d be funny to cause more problems inside rather than outside of jail he’d let himself be captured. They would not get along

Except

Except if they dealt with children

Carrot “organised the most deadly gangs of kids on the streets and got the to play football without fatalities” Ironfoundersson and Jonny “read to kids in a hospital (and only shot the annpying ones!)” d’Ville would find a grugding sort of respect there

Carrot would be explaining the rules of some game, and the kids would listen because it’s Carrot and you can’t not (and also stood behind him is Jonny and more accurately Jonny’s gun)

Speaking Susan Sto Helit into existence because I love her

Idk she meets the Toy Soldier in Biers

TBI (Discworld Flavour)

So this is much more involved than everything mentioned previously, where I just took characters and moved them around as needed. This is something I very much want to write, and am in the process of planning and, more specifically, finding explanations for a few Fairly Large Plot Points that at the moment I’m kinda hand waving away dfhghjk

TBI (Discworld Flavour) is basically me thinking “hey. What if I rewrote TBI but set it on the Disc, and went from there”

Inspector Second Class Lyfrassir Edda doesn’t exist as a single character (apologies to the Lyf fans who’ve read this far fdghjk). Instead, I think it’d work to split their role across a range of characters, namely Vetinari (and a newspaper) for the narration parts, and the City Watch (specifically Sam Vimes, Fred Colon and Nobby Nobbs) for dealing with Raphaella, Marius and Ivy in prison (those three remain unchanged, because the other three, Vimes especially, would have one hell of a time trying to deal with them)

Odin is a wizard (because, with all respect to Sir Terry Practchett, this is My Town now and wizardry and witchcraft aren’t gender specific (which he did get at, in Equal Rites, but over 41 books there wasn’t much deviation from Male Wizard Female Witch (also non-binary people exist!)). Also Many more people aren’t straight). She’s head of a project to run a train from Anhk-Morpork to the Hub in three hours rather than three days. Naturally, this involves lots of magic, and this magic attracts the attention of Things from the Dungeon Dimensions (which, like Yog-Sothoth are heavily inspired by the whole eldritch Lovecraft stuff, so that all fits nicely) Another thing that fits nicely is the fact that they can “infect” wizards (hence Odin), and also they really Cannot survive long in this world, whch gives a nice way to end this thing

No Asgard, so instead the passengers on the train are the staff of the Unseen University (yes, even the Librarian) Of course, they won’t die in this one, but the Bursar has a gloopy Thing land on his face after the Lecturer in Recent Runes booted it across the traincar so not much difference (/j) dfhfd

Loki, Thor, Sigyn and possibly Kvasir (though they also may not exist as a character, and instead be a name for the engine) are all UU students (hence why the passengers don’t care for them)  They are the ones that Do Things, and likely study in the High Energy Magic building, so are actually qualified to deal with this sort of shit

Then: shit happens! Odin dies, Loki Thor Sigyn die and meet Death and have some sort of ConversationTM about the power of stories. It’s all very touching

Obviously, the Disc doesn’t get destroyed - the Things get driven back. Ivy, Marius and Raphaells do still escape, of course, and, in the immortal words of everyone’s favourite human(?) Nobby, Mr Vimes goes spare

#god this. this is so long dfgjhjsk #the mechanisms #discworld #Anonymous

[imanes]

Hello imane! Because of the pandemic, I still have all my uni classes online & idk ive been feeling v stuck in life like ik everyone has and im v privileged compared to alot of people but just submitting assignments in the same old home environment everyday. Ik we all have to get through this but life feels joyless and dull. Just endlessly depressing. So i wanted to ask u how u idk made life exciting while u were working from home? Like any rituals or a routine or hobbies?

hi angel! tbh i don’t know if i’ve suceeded in making my home life very exciting in the last year, but there are a few things that helped. my desk used to face a wall and it got really old after a couple of weeks of always staring at purple paint all day long so i turned my desk around to face the window, and surprisingly that helped a lot. having the cats around definitely do a lot of good things for my mind too. i decluttered my space, i burn a candle every day, got a lot of comfy clothes to wear around the house. i also take showers during my lunch break lol. i have a thing for fancy drinks so i got myself quite the selection of teas, coffees and various drinks to prepare at different points throughout the day. taking walks got real old bc living in the city means taking ugly street upon ugly street for little pay-off so i don’t really have that outlet akjkfjgld. one thing that really helped me was making my own food and be diligent with my meals by making sure i was treating myself to things i wanted to eat and by trying new meals and prepping my own pickles and fermented foods! i feel proud of myself even when i make a sandwich bc i can put in stuff i pickled myself etc, and it constitutes a highlight of my day even if it’s based on something i made many days ago. i make sure i talk to my friends every day, even if it’s just to share memes. i’d say just little things make a whole lot of difference when you add them up. starting tomorrow i’m going to do that 30 day yoga challenge thing by adrienne something something because to be honest i have a LONG way to go when it comes to my physical health and i really need to start generating happy hormones by working out and involving myself physically into activities. as far as food for thought is concerned i’ve been following a lot of webinars on decolonisation, anti-racism and stuff, it’s a topic i’ve always been interested in and i feel very lucky to be able to assist to so many online conferences where scholars and activists come together to share their expertise.

as far as hobbies are concerned, i’ve taken up playing electric guitar a few weeks ago and i’m getting back into drawing and painting a little, but i wouldn’t say it’s something i’m doing to alleviate the constraints of working from home if that makes any sense, it’s more part of a long-term plan to be more creative. and as usual i read a lot! reading is my favorite thing to do, especially now that life is so boring and monotonous. fiction is literally making me feel alive by proxy as pathetic as it sounds lmao. but i’m not berating myself for that, and neither should you. yes there is a mountain of privilege involved in being able to work or study from home when so many are at the end of their rope. however, it does not invalidate the fact that after nearly a year of repetitive lockdowns, isolation and general threat to mental and physical health, there is a lot of people who feel at the end of their rope and are still trying to find the silver lining somewhere. i think a lot of people have started journaling, which is cool, and jotting down stuff they feel grateful about, which works for some people but for me it’d be counterproductive. it all comes down to trial and error and see what makes you feel alive. lately even doing my laundry has been a highlight of my days bc i love the smell of cleanliness (it’s the virgo in me...).

last but not least u can join our book club~ the link is in the bio. to be honest it’s a book club but it’s not mandatory to read, there are plenty of channels and it’s a nice occasion to chat with people about common interests. if you feel like socialising that is <3 just being able to chat about this or that w/ cool people in a positive space does wonder for my feelings of depression and loneliness.

ok i typed a lot but idk if this has been of any help lol i’m a boring person and i don’t do any spiritual stuff or think about mindfulness at all and i’ve got a laundry list of issues to deal with so i don’t even feel qualified to share advice but at the end of the day i just wanted to tell u that i wish u the best and that u find ur cruising speed, and that if u do and lose it for a bit, it doesn’t mean that u can’t get back on track!! i wish the both of us and everybody else a better future

#Anonymous

[this-is-my-main-i-follow-from]

I already wrote this post, but I’m coming backk up to the top to put a cut bc it’s p long.

my brother is singing falsettos out loud & I’ve already had a stressful day bc I’ve done nothing (lack of structure & lack of productivity gives me really bad anxiety) & he’s either singing out of key & out of time, or it just sounds really bad without the music. He’s the only one who can hear the music bc HeadPhones. & also the falsettos is probably really bad for my mom bc she’s mad that dad left her, esp bc the house is a mess & stressing her out & she needs to go grocery shopping & he used to do that “but now he doesn’t because he stopped loving [her]”, so my bro singing fucking falsettos is really bad. I can’t cook supper bc I don’t have a recipe & the stuff is still frozen & idk what kind of dough I should make & besides the kitchen is a mess & he won’t fucking clean it. I mean it’s also partially my fault bc I’m a lazy adhd mofo, but it’s his job today & my job to cook. I need to get into the kitchen & cook before mom & my OTHER brother get home from shopping but I can’t bc he’s just drawing & singing & the singing is so annoying- I was trying to listen to a thing but I couldn’t fricking hear it bc adhd auditory processing disorders, it didn’t have fucking subtitles or anything & it was not great audio quality & I couldn’t differentiate between the words he was singing, & I couldn’t hear the quiet parts when they overlapped with his singing. I wasn’t going to write all of this I was just going to say that his singing makes me want to cut myself, but apparently there’s a lot more to it. also I don’t want to end up cooking while mom is home bc I don’t have any drawings on my arm & mom is fucking nosy & wants to see my scars so I have to work extra hard at hiding them but even with ppl who arent nosy, like my little bro I don’t like them out, but the longer my older bro sits there fucking yelling out of key, the longer I’m delayed & I won’t be able to cook. By this point, I won’t even be able to cook the meal I was planning on, I have so much shit to do I’ve missed so much & I’m so behind, but I’m so incapable of doing anything like i can’t do chores bc I use the excuse I have homework but I never fucking do my homework so I’m also behind in school & even with the stuff I like like dnd & writing & violin I can’t do, & I skipped online kung fu & I’ve been slacking off under so many excuses but I’m just being lazy & anxious & I also gained so much weight & it makes my body feel so bad & i know this isn’t my body’s happy weight & being fat makes my boobs bigger & I’m fucking trans & I hate them I even tried cutting them off myself & ended up waiting 15 hours to go to the hospital so that I wouldn’t make mom suspicious (& they put me through triage really fast bc apparently I did a lot of dammage- I was planning on giving myself stitches, but my icepack melted & I couldn’t numb my body anymore so they’re lucky I even went to the hospital, it was bad bc I had to walk 20 minutes either way weighted down with a fucking toolbox & I waited outside in the cold bc my phone died & thus:) mom found out anyways so I lied to her about going to buy drugs bc obv /that’s/ a better idea than telling her I went to the hospital & SHUT UP UNNAMED OLDER BROTHER ok he’s between songs now. If I told mom I went to the hospital she would ask why & be like “y didn’t u tell me” & “r u cutting urself again” & like yeah bitch I have been for a while ik the social worker said I should tell you a codeword, but I don’t do that bc u blame yourself or cry or want to talk about & I yes I fucking cut myself what of it? Yeah I tried fucking removing my own left breast, bc u arent’ supportive of medical transitioning, at least not when they’re ur kids. Ur mad at dad bc he got a tattoo bc it’s  body modification & thus uncatholic, but u’ll support ur catholic university friends gettin gtheir eldest daughter a reduction bc her boobs are big & painful- bitch what’s so different about me? I went so far as to try giving myself a reduction, you say you’re concerned about me mutilating my body & making bad decisions, but, you know what? because of this I have legitimately mutilated my body, & made a dangerous & bad decision. isn’t autosurgery proof that I need top surgery bc it’s a danger to my life if I don’t get it? The government is able to pay for it I think & bc it’s a danger to my health (& i get pain & I can’t work out & I get back pain & my skin pulls & hurts & if I jump my tissues yank my skin & it hurts & it puts so much strain on my back, & binding gives me pain, so I need a reduction as much as your catholic university friends’ daughter does) I should be abe to qualify. Even if I don’t qualify yet & have to wait two years, at least that would be the start of two years now instead of in a long time, I mean, mum, you say you want me to talk about it & you’re afraid I’m rushing into it? guess what? They are too! the healthcare system will make me do a bunch of shit to qualify, & tbh, I think that they are better qualified to talk to me about surgery & what I really want than you.  Fucking finally, I hope my brother is done his play & finally shuts up. TA MA DE FUCK NO HE’S STARTING AGAIN CROWS DAMN IT CROWS CROWS CROWS & MAGGOTS I”m not even gonna be able to make anythiung for supper & i have no ideas besides the long one which I don’t have time for anymore. fine. whatever. I’ll go SH in my room. I won’t even work on fanfic bc I’m too fucking adhd & broken. I fucking hate it when ppl say “we;re all a bit adhd” like no bitch shut the fuck up, we all struggle with the things adhd ppl struggle with sometimes, but adhd is a neurological condition that makes those struggles so commonplace & intense that it affects our everyday lives. & no. adhd does not mean we’re more creative. Even if we do have more likeliihood of coming up with funky ideas, most of us struggle to articulate them or understand them, or we forget them as soon as they come. you’re not adhd bc you’re a little more creative, youre just an ableist asshole & fuck you. adhd isn’t creativity its’ a fucking disability. I’m directing this at those fucking parents who have the lovely nd daughter who gave me a hug, but you two are motherfuckers. Yeah I get thaat adhd, once you learn how to mannage it, can be useful, & I understand that part of the reason this disability is so hard is bc society isn’t designed for it (like a lefty using right hand scissors), but ot’s still fuxking REAL & if you can’t deal with it yet, it 100% is a disanbility. OK? Ok. I had smth I was going to say earlier, but I got distracted by smth else that made me mad, so I never got around to it. Youo know what I love? I fucking love how tumblr has next to no character limit so I can just type as much as I want. You know what I don’t like? I’ll probably get deactivated by some SJW maggot-eaten crow-fucker who thinks that my rant& mentioning my failed ed & my self harm (oh fuck shut up, my brother is chanting “dumb”) so anyways some fucking sjw fuck-hole will report this post & my blog & I’ll be deactivated for simply getting angry on tumblr. It’s fucking tumblr! You used to be able to say whatever you needed to say! But now, esp us ppl w EDs, have no safe place to talk about our issues (at least, not w/o fear of gettin gterminated for “encouraging” EDs, when we’re just trying to help ourselves). Anywasy, sorry for all the swears & go se, I swear when I’m mad. I’m gonna go do smth, idk what. Can’t be anything productive, Can’t even be unproductive stuff I like, like watching youtubem, or smth cathartic like playing fiddle. I might just go & bleed a bit & ignore everything for a while. I nkow that the world will still be stressful when I get back, & I’ll still have to cook, & I’ll still be behind in school, & mom will still be broken-hearted over dad, but I’m feeling calmer just thinking about it so that’s what I’ll do. 

#dom personal #vent #various triggers

[pwnyta]

Okay but like……. I want to talk about something, and I have no one to talk about it with so I am here…. Hope you’re okay with this 👹👹👹 Basically, I can’t stop thinking about the fact how dumb was it to change Deku’s original concept bc “he would be too much like Batman” (fights villains with his brain and gadgets, not with super powers) and I am like….. excuse you…… who tf decided that it’s better to give mc backstory of Steve Rogers (I hope you understand what I mean) than make him like a mothefricking Batman…. I mean, okay, original Deku looks kind of like a depressed bitch lmao (I think he was called Yamikumo?), but if you don’t want Deku to remind Bruce THIS MUCH then just let my dude have the same personality as now but just let him be smart and tech savvy. What I mean is that Deku suffered from being quirkless and was bullied bc of it, the beginning of the story shows extremely clearly that without quirk you can’t be a hero, but instead of being like “f*ck you and your quirks, I can (and will) help people even without it!” Hori was like “ah yes, MC suffered bc he doesn’t have quirk… how to fix it? Well, just give him quirk, obv!” IDK, but am I the only one who feels like this is counterintuitive? It reminds about “everyone can be Jedi! except…….not really”. Instead of having MC who uses what he have we now have Deku who have op quirk that he can barely control (I mean, he is better now, but still….) instead of Deku who uses his brains to deal with problems instead of running into troubles head first… I like Deku, I really do, but I still think that it was extremely dumb move that contradicts the whole point that “anyone and everyone can be a hero”. Sorry for mistakes and I hope that you understood everything, English isn’t my first language.

Yall can always come to me to bitch about BNHA....

I dont disagree! The way Hori wrote the world... it kinda does make it necessary for most people to have a Quirk to do anything against Quirked villains so thats one thing...

but thats why Im so butthurt about Mirio getting his Quirk back because even if Deku needed the Quirk boost and have it used like a prosthetic Hori still could have had this storyline with Mirio where him losing his Quirk doesnt stop him from being a hero and could have given him a great connection to Deku and All Might since they both value themselves less because of their Quirklessness when they SHOULDNT. Kind of a bad message....

Mirio has trained and honed his physical skill (strength/reflexes) so fiercely there should be no reason he cant hold his own against a lot of villains especially in the team he usually rolls with.

Are you telling me Mirio is less qualified as a hero than someone like Shinso or Kouda who rely on others to do stuff for them or Ojiros whos Quirk is just an extra limb, Aoyamas Quirk that leaves him open do to the pain it causes him...

But yeah a Quirkless gadget-based hero would have been cool. Its weird that Hori introduced a character like Mei with all these gadgets and not at least brought more equipment into the story to show that thats an important part of Hero society... I mean Dekus got some stuff now with his arm bracers or w/e but like???

And Dekus intuitiveness and ability to strategize because he studies his opponents so closely taking a back seat to his Quirk nowadays does fucking suck. It was a lot better when his Quirk was just strength based the way All Might was... I mean I love the story around it but I wish Hori didnt forget Dekus best asset being his brains and his ability to trust the people around him to have his back and he worked with others strengths and limitations to solve things too.

Thats why I liked Deku taking Overhaul out... because his ability to see Eris potential was what saved the day and it made it clear why Deku was a better choice for OFA than Mirio who kept Eri behind him and sacrificed himself to keep her as far away from the situation as possible (which is sweet and so brave but its the same thing that got All Might almost killed.).

TL;DR:

Regardless of Deku having a Quirk or not his most relied upon ability should be his quick thinking and trust in others to have his back (which was what separated him from All Mights mistakes which I thought was the whole point).

(and also Mirio should have remained Quirkless and became a great hero despite that).

You coulda had your cake and ate it too Horikoshi!

#BNHA ranting. #Dear Nonny.

[defiantsuggestions]

ok ok ok so. i'm in a very complicated situation rn. i'm not sure if you can help me on this or not but it's worth a shot? lemme start from the beginning: -so i'm best friends with this girl for years -our friend group talks abt sexualities, me + other girl come to conclusion that we're bisexual, the best friend thinks she *might* be too -realize i'm in love with her -confess to her later -she doesn't like me that way

-i don't think she's straight????? -time passes -we're both in a religion btw -she asks me one day abt our religion's views on homosexuality -i tell her one of the views, that it's alright -she says ok -she's still questioning btw -i think she might be bi/pan leaning towards guys

-i move to a different country -i leave the religion, not out yet to anyone tho -but we still text -she sends me a post one day abt homosexuality -it's that other view, that homosexuality is wrong -she believes in that view and is trying to persuade me to undo my bisexuality in some way or ignore it -getting strong indoctrination and internalized homophobia vibes here -she thinks i'm still in the religion and is trying to convince me on her views on homosexuality -i try to argue back carefully since i can't let her know i've left -anyway we fight -and apologize a few days later -and she suggests we don't talk abt religious stuff because we always fight abt it

-i say ok -i do flood my insta story (that she sees) with lgbt posts out of passive aggressiveness -i know i know, but i couldnt help it because i have very liberal views and i feel very strongly abt religious homophobia and sexuality -i sort of wanted to punish and test her -'this is me, this sexuality is a part of me, not a test by god, and i'm gonna show it and make it obvious, and you have to choose between remaining with me despite it or not.'

-we don't speak for three months.

-our only interaction is viewing each others' stories -she texts me with something random a few days later -we're talking again -i've forgiven her at this point -after all, before i left, i was just like her, i believed the same things she did -i want to believe that just like me, she'll come around and see things for what they truly are. -idk what to do till then

-i'm still in love with her -i still feel elated whenever she texts -i still feel that spark when i hear her name

-i want to get over her, over it -but still remain her best friend -it's hard because a huge part of getting over someone is to cut them off completely -and for those three months i did not think of her, so it worked a little -but when she texted it all came flooding back.

-i'm so, so, so fucked. what do i do?

That's a very difficult situation. You have my sympathy, it can't be easy to deal with and I'm sorry you're in this position.

This isn't going to be easy to hear, but in my opinion, I think holding out for her to change might be harmful to you in the long run. At this point in time, she is homophobic and is actively against your bisexuality. It's nice to believe she'll come to the same revelations you have, but you also need to keep in mind that you need to take care of yourself and your mental health first.

It's also important to keep in mind that you're out of that religion, but she's still there, and she's likely being fed homophobic beliefs by the people around her more often than the two of you talk.

I'm not trying to tell you one way or the other what to do; ultimately it is your choice whether you talk to her or not. This isn't a decision I'm qualified to make.

But this doesn't sound healthy. Yeah, maybe she'll come around, there is always room for improvement and maybe she'll learn better, but that's up to her. The fact that she fought you on it and then didn't talk to you for three months afterward tells me that she isn't in a place where she's open to learning right now, and it isn't your job to convince her otherwise.

If it were me, I would not keep a friend who would try to convert me out of my sexuality. I wouldn't be able to trust them after that. Like you said, your sexuality is a part of you, it's a part of who you are, and I personally would not want to be friends with someone who would tell me that this part of me was wrong.

I do understand that the prospect hurts. It's not easy. It's always, always painful to deal with finding out someone who you think of as a friend stands by something harmful, especially when you've been friends for a long time.

As for being in love with her, I am not the best person to talk to about romantic feelings. If cutting off contact with her is the only way for you to get over your feelings of being in love, and you want to get over those feelings, then I don't know what else to tell you but maybe you should consider cutting contact.

Otherwise, you have to decide if you want to deal with ignoring those feelings while talking to her.

Nothing romantic is going to come from this situation. It sounds like you already know that, but it bears saying anyway. You don't know her sexuality for sure, but even if she is bi/pan/ect., she's too far in the closet and too wrapped up in homophobia, she's already said she doesn't like you like that, and even if something did manage to come of this it wouldn't be healthy for either of you.

Ultimately, I think you should consider your mental health primarily when making your choice. Personally I would cut her off and find new friends. I deserve better than to have someone in my circle who thinks my sexuality is a sin. I think you deserve better, too.

Either way, I wish you luck, and hope things work out for you.

#Defiant answers #tw: religious trauma #tw: religion #Tw: homophobia

[normal-thoughts-official]

Fandom racism anon here and yeah absolutely (I didn't realise I had anon on lol)

Because while LOTR has problems within its themes (ie the orcs can be seen as to be coded as people of colour, especially since they ride elephants) the explicit message of the book is evil bad

Because the only people who work for sauron are evil. There are no morally grey people, they aren't misguided or tricked they just are evil and want to take over the world

And yeah I totally agree that this is more of a literal take on like empirical war (is that the word) and that makes total sense considering Tolkiens history

Whereas I would say that the allegories in shaowhunters is way more based on racial conflict within a country itself especially slavery, I can't remember if this is show Canon but is it that they have the warlock tropheys? I remember that in the books magnus talks about shadowhunters hanging warlock marks on their walls? (sorry to bring the books up)

Idk it's very hollow to me, unlike with LOTR though it's a different allegory it's totally irritating to show many of these supremecists as morally misled. LOTR says bad guys are bad guys, shadowhunters says well yeah they did follow a guy which thinks that downworlders are subhuman and should be eradicated but they just made a mistake

I want to compare this to tfatws which while it isn't really fantasy I just feel like it shows how the priorities of the writer can impact the message of the show so powerfully (I know u aren't up to date so I'm gonna be pretty vague)

There's a scene in tfatws where the new white perfect captain America does something bad and doesn't pay for the consequences - done to comment on white privelege and how America condones white supremacy and how Sam is in comparison to that

Mayrse and Robert revealed to be part of the circle! And paid no consequences Shock horror my parents were the bad guys (even rho they were either implicitly or explicitly extremely racist the entire time) also I haven't finished the seires but do the lightwoods ever try to get their parents to face the consequences?)

Only one actual really critiques the situation and the reality behind it whereas the other one is just to centre the white characters once again and present them in a further sympathetic light

AND ANOTHER THING! I was mostly talking about show Canon here and I'm sorry to bring up the books but I literally can't believe I hadn't picked up in this before.

So like downworlders = people of colour, Simon is a vampire so is coded as a person of colour. However in the books in the last one he stops being a vampire and becomes a shadowhunters instead, coincidentally that's also when he starts dating Izzy HOW IS THIS ABLE TO HAPPEN!!????

I mean I know cassandra clare is lazy right? The original seires is by far the worst of all her writings but come ON!!!!! By the allegory has he become the white man!????? These books made no fuckin sense when I read them at 15 and they make no sense now I'm digressing anyways

I don't know man I wrote this ask because I was trying to find some fantasy book recommendations on booktube and SO MANY of them were about slavery or general ly extrême préjudice with à White protagonist to save this 'poor souls'.

Also I was watching guardians of the galexy the other day and realised nearly every movie set in space is just bigger stakes imperialism - planets instead of countries. Literally star wars, star trek, guardians of the galexy 2, avengers infinity war - all are facing genocidal imperialistic villains without actually paying much, if any attention to those effected

Just writing this ask made me exhausted I'm so tired of lazy writing and exploiting other people's struggle. I'm white and I'm trying to be more critical about the movies, shows and books I watch and read but let me know if I said something off here❤️❤️ you gotta get up to date with tfatws man, Sambucky nation is THRIVING!!!!

i'm not sure i agree that the whole "the evil people are evil" thing is a good thing, because i feel like more often than not making the bad characters just like... unidimensionally evil just means that the reader will be like "lol i could NEVER be that guy" and when it comes to racism that is a dangerous road to take because white people already believe that racism is something that Only The Most Evil People, Ergo, Not Me, Can Do, which makes discussions of stuff like subconscious racial bias and active antiracist work become more difficult because people don't believe they CAN be racist unless they're like, Lord Voldemort

which is not to say that racism should be treated as morally ambiguous, just that the workings of racism should be represented as something that is not done only by the Most Hardcore And Evil, but rather as a part of a system of oppression that affects the way everyone sees the world and interacts with it and lives in it

yes the warlock trophies are mentioned in the show, albeit very quickly (there is a circle member who tells magnus that his cat eyes will make "a nice addition to his collection" and then it's never mentioned again because this is sh and we love using racism for shock value but then not actually treating it as a serious plot point or something that affects oppressed ppl). and you are absolutely right, shadowhunters (and hp, and most fantasy books) has genocide as its core conflict and treats it, like you said, in a very hollow way, treating racism as both not a big deal and not something that is part of a system of oppression, but really the actions of a few Very Bad People. it's almost impressive how they manage to do both at the same time tbh

i think you hit the nail right on the head with this comment, actually. for most of these works, racism is SHOCK VALUE. it's just like "lol isn't it bad that this bad guy wants to kill a gazillion people just because they are muggles? now that is fucked up" but it's not actually an issue. in fact, when this guy is defeated, the whole problem is over! racism is not something that is embedded into that world, it's not a systemic issue, it's not even actually part of what drives the plot. the things that led to this person not only existing but rising to power and gathering enough followers to be a real threat to the whole world are never mentioned. it's like racists are born out of thin air, which is dangerously close to implying that racism is just a natural part of life, tbh

anyway my point is, it is never supposed to be questioned, it is never part of a deeper plot or story, its implications are barely addressed except for a few fleeting comments them and there; so, it's not a critique, it's shock value, even though it is frequently disguised as a critique (which is always empty and shallow anyway. like what is the REAL critique in works like hp or sh/tsc other than "genocide is bad"? wow such a groundbreaking take evelyn)

about simon and the book thing: i actually knew about this and the weird thing about this is that, like... simon is jewish, and he's implied to be ashkenazi (calls his grandma bubbe which is yiddish, which is a language spoken by the ashkenazi ppl), and it seems like cc is always toeing the line between him being accepted by shadowhunters and then not accepted by them, which sounds a lot like antisemitic tropes and history of swinging between (ashkenazi) jewish ppl being seen as the model minority myth and thus used as an example by white christians, and being hated and persecuted. i'm not super qualified to talk about this since i'm not jewish and i'm still learning about/unlearning antisemitism and its tropes, and i don't really have a fully formed thought on that, tbh; it just reminds me of the whole "model minority" swinging, where one second simon is part of the majority, the other he's not, but always he is supposed to give up a part of himself and his identity in other to be "assimilated" by shadowhunter culture. this article (link) covers a book on jewish people and assimilationism into USan culture, this article (link) covers british jews' relationship with being considered an ethnic group, and this article (link) talks a bit about the model minority myth from the perspective of an asian jewish woman

it just really calls to my attention that cc chose to make her ashkenazi jewish character start off as a downworlder and then become a shadowhunter. i don't think she made that decision as a conscious nod to this history, because it would require being informed on antisemitism lol but it's incredible how you can always see bigoted stereotypes shining through her narrative choices completely by accident. it just really shows how ingrained it is in our collective minds and culture

and anyway, making a character go from the oppressed group to just suddenly become the oppressor is just. wtf. not how oppression works, but most of all, really disrespectful, especially because she clearly treats it as an "upgrade"/"glowup" that earns him the Love Of His Life

also, out of curiosity, are you french? it seems like your autocorrect changed a few words and i'm pretty sure extrême and préjudice are the french versions of these words, and since u said ur white, that's where my money would be lol

#anti cc #anti tsc #anti tmi #anti sh #racism tw #antisemitism tw #reference #ask #residenthottiesamwilson

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Hi, I have a small issue I don't know who to talk about. I was diagnosed with BPD, depression and anxiety with strong disociative behaviours and possible ADHD (yeah.. ) I'm currently in theraphy (CBT) but here's a thing.. a lot of the time I get asked how I feel and. I can't identify it. On a good day theres either an emptiness or some chocking feeling that i can never name very well. Idk how to tell what I'm feeling or access it, basically. And trying to do it during theraphy is even worse caus

cause i instinctually block. so i'm sitting there and i feel like i'm wasting my time and money because i can't put the problem into words even for myself, let alone analyse and express it. Is this a common issue? I told the therapist that's how it is and she just told me to close my eyes and breath and that doesn't really help. I'm honestly at the end of my rope

i’m FAR from a qualified therapist, but i do know that there’s something called alexithymia, which causes an inability to identify and describe emotions. this post and this post talk about what it’s like. i certainly can’t say that this is what you’re dealing with, but it’s definitely something to look into.

however, i think that this could also be a result of your dissociation. dissociating is, by definition, detaching yourself from yourself - your thoughts, feelings, surroundings, etc. not being able to get in contact with your emotions could easily be a natural result of the dissociation you already know for a fact you deal with.

i don’t think that therapy in of itself is a waste, but it sounds to me like you need another therapist because this one just isn’t cutting it. it sounds like she means well but just doesn’t know how to treat someone with dissociation on top of other issues. she shouldn’t just sit there and push you to answer questions you can’t answer, she should be giving you tools and helping to guide you to the roots of the problem. if you don’t feel better equipped to cope with your problems after a session, then yes, this therapist is a waste of time and money. but that doesn’t mean therapy itself is a waste or that you can’t find a therapist who can genuinely help you.

all in all, i’m not remotely surprised by what you’re dealing with, considering how fucked up your brain is. (which i say in the kindest way possible, as someone who also has a seriously fucked up brain.) i don’t know exactly how common this is, but i would say that it’s completely normal considering where you’re coming from - especially if you have a history of trauma. detaching from your emotions can be a survival mechanism, which works great until the need to survive has passed and you don’t know how to re-attach.

my going to therapy tag has several posts about how to find a therapist that meets your needs, and how to better communicate with a therapist. i’d suggest you start ‘shopping’ for a better therapist right away. not clicking with a therapist and needing to keep searching til you find one who really helps you is a totally normal experience.

in the meantime, i would suggest you work on some grounding exercises to help combat the dissociation and maybe (only maybe; don’t pressure yourself) get more connected to your body and emotions. keep what helps and toss out what doesn’t. and remember that therapy and recovery isn’t like flipping a switch, it’s like building a muscle or learning a skill: it takes time, effort, practice, and failure. failure is part of the process, so please don’t give up on yourself, darling.

to be thorough, here are some more useful tags: ADHD, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, depression, dissociation, mental illness resources, therapy resources.

i hope that helps a little bit, dear. i know this is hard, but take care of yourself. <3

#dissociation #therapy #anonymous #ask

[ih8paris]

i hate paris

Do people still use tumblr? I’m so old. And I never used it. I don’t keep up with the times. I don’t give a shit. You know what? It all passes. Except facebook. They made a deal with the devil and really, was it worth it? I use facebook. I live in Paris and there are these groups for women, expats, cheap people like me that want free yoga. That’s what I use it for. And news. BBC CNN ABC NBC MSNBC, you get it and the posts. They report what the people supposedly want, but then we can see what the people are actually saying. Donald Trump won’t win? Look at voices talking? Look at the little people. It looked like he was going to win. What do you know, he did. But what if he had lost. What if Hilary didn’t get a handle on COVID and then Donald won in 2020? We would all be so fucked right now. Maybe we already are. Anyway, I’m not here to talk politics. I’m here to process my life choices and see if there were signs that I was making HUGE mistake. 

So here’s the thing. I’m a bit untraditional. Growing up was shit. Chuck left and made sure to shit all over everything before he did. And the whole get married in your 20′s have babies get divorced get remarried have more kids bc hey you’re not old at 30 and this is the guy you actually wanted to have kids with. I rant but you get it. Traditional not for me. Also not traditional, i have some money. This money has paid for college, pastry school and yes this wonderful covid filled experience in paris: the city that hates me. I’m fortunate. I don’t live lavishly. It’s not that much money. I grew up poor, I pinch pennies. Then i do exciting things. Or maybe challenging things? I am fortunate and grateful. And guilt filled. I am given this gift and shit it away, trying make something out of this paris experience. It’s like a bad relationship where i keep begging to give it one more change. It will get better. I’m a fucking idiot. So here I am, you know third times the charm, right? Back in paris. Vaccinated. I’ve made connections with people. I feel confident that this will not be a waste. It will be fun. It will be educational. I will network. Gain experiences. Omg learn so much. Be able to travel. OH the hopes and delusions i had. But maybe we should start from the beginning. 

Omg, which beginning. Paris, i guess, we can go back further when the moment calls. So 30 is approaching. I’ve moved back home. That’s story for another time. Remember my life is not traditional. So I’m home to help out and idk try to figure out what the fuck i want to do with my life. See the big mistake i made in my 20s was listening to people i don’t admire. i graduate with an art degree. my college exit interview said i am qualified to work at a bank or Kraft foods. no connects, recommendations. No direct. And my family keeps talking about getting a job, benefits, 401k. At one point a little later on, my grandpa was pushing for me to go into service. Sorry gramps, they don’t want me. My education was good. I learned a lot. They had good resources and a lot. But then nothings. So i worked at a bakery. I worked hard at this bakery. For more than a few months i worked 7 days a week. I didn’t have a life. i had money. Money i made. And apparently that was the most important thing, from the talks i keep getting from my family. And of course i wasn’t earning enough, so needed to work harder and climb the ladder. There is no ladder in a bakery. Whatever, I rant again. We’ll come back to this. 

So 30. It’s looming. I’ve thought about grad school. The money I mentioned earlier. It’s had time to grow. The GRE expires after 5 years, not that i took it but 7 years after I graduated, i wasn’t taking it. So Europe. Europe is artsy. I would like to make good money, enjoy the work okay, but mostly make good money with the least amount of actual work. So teaching. My mom teaches. Computer programing. She’s the head of the department. She fucking hates it. The dude that was suppose to get that job, he died. It was sad. But they also didn’t replace him so when the other guy retired, it became her job. It was an unpleasant 10ish years. But again, I digress. So teaching. Work hard and play hard. And it’s always changing - ish. I guess as much as you want, or don’t. New students every 15 weeks. breaks at all the holidays. Summers off. And when you’re just about to get bored, you’re back at work. Maybe because this is the only lifestyle i know, but it doesn’t sound bad. I worked in an office of women in high school. That i for sure knew i never wanted. But teaching. College. Okay. I need a masters. Learn about MA and MFA. Start looking for jobs in Cali because life’s too short to fucking deal with the snow and mosquitos. Idk everyone doesn’t live in Cali. So now the plan is MFA. They are much more rare and more in demand at universities. More money - but this time i think chasing the money necessary bc Calif = expensive. Now back to looking in Europe. I love Italy. I would love to live in in Italy for more that just a semester but actually live Italian or close to it. The language makes sense. The people make sense. The art makes sense. And it’s omg gorgeous. Alas, no American accredited MFA programs I could qualify for in Italy. I don’t know if there were none but if there were, they would have been in textiles, or digital/graphic design. Which I don’t know anything about. I’m old school, metal work, drawing, printmaking - although so far we haven’t gotten along, another thing i going to try to make work before i leave this city that hates me, for good - painting, ceramics, you get it. I hate computers. I appreciate technology but my mom teaches computers therefore there was never a working computer in my house so we (my brothers and me) don’t do computers. So i find this school - in english and in Paris. Paris, so glamorous. Home of famous artists and their art. The Louvre and Eiffel Tower and Fashion. So okay, i check out their programs. One i have no fucking clue what it is. Still don’t. Another is Photography - pass. Graphics - no. List continues. Then i see Drawing. That’s interesting. I can draw, i draw well. This is a program i could probably get into. SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: you can get into any program. No program is ever full. It’s bull shit. Masters program. Undergrad = everyone is applying at the same time. Masters = ages range and much fewer people go. So don’t fall for that shit - EVER. 

They have a one year and two year program. The second year is less than half the first year so makes sense to go the second year and get the MFA vs MA. So that works out. I’m reading and checking it out. Not sure what I’m looking for but in hindsight, i knew something was missing. Talk it over with my mom and her peers who are also teachers. Consensus - don’t be part of the first group. So i have an interview to get it - what a joke. It is also a time for me to learn more about the program. So i ask, is this new? How long has it been around. Answer: Oh no, it’s been working several years. Very confident. I didn’t have a follow-up, just said I don’t want to be in the first group. I said those words. Her response: Oh no no don’t worry. I was so naive. And yes this continued through the whole program. People’s personalities are what they are. So she lied to get me into the program and just kept lying. No respect for the insane about of money i was paying for this ‘experience’. No respect for the education i could have gotten somewhere else. Because this program had NO educational value. I’m not being bitter or dramatic. It was a complete waste of time and money. Then covid happened. Might have been a blessing in disguise. I can go into detail of the program later. This is just an overview of the beginning. 

So, I get accepted. What a surprise. I’m now officially 30 and this - i feel- is my last hoorah. After this i will be an adult who can get an adult job and become an adult. But first i need housing. And a visa. Which is very confusing. So the French and Italians - Italians I am familiar  with, tell you about it later. So they’re similar in that lazy, lack of thoroughness, that’s their thing. Difference being Italians own it, French hardcore deny. So I’m reading this paperwork and it says thing like you need to have all your documents before your visa appointment including plane ticket. Well I can’t go without the visa so why would i get a plane ticket? Cart before the horse shit - it’s very french, wait until you hear about banks.