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bartsugsy · 7 years

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I know it's a slightly contentious point but given all this talk about Robert needing redemption - do you think Aaron has redeemed himself now? I know that the narrative doesn't really suggest he needs to, but he's got a pretty violent temper and has no difficulty throwing wrenches and beating the crap out of Robert because he's angry. I'd quite like them to acknowledge that and apologise, but it's unlikely as the show doesn't really recognise male on male violence as problematic.

hello this is an essay i’m sure we’re all shocked

ok like...

i need to disect this ask a little because i think the fundamental point it’s missing is how aaron’s violent tendencies has been used in the context of rob and aaron’s relationship vs how robert’s horrible decision making tendencies have been

so like... aaron throwing that wrench at robert’s head was the most horrifying thing i’ve seen all year and genuinely terrible but it was also used specifically to show just how much their relationship has disintegrated. like. that was the thing that made aaron get out - understanding that his mh had gotten to a place where he ended up violently attacking his husband and that their relationship had gotten so toxicly bad that it was going to end up literally killing one or both of them

it was the big sign that they were over, tbh

his violence towards isn’t used as a consistent problem in their relationship and if it was that would be a very serious problem. but, the whole point of that moment was that their relationship had become untenable and that the only thing they could do was break up

what i’m saying is i don’t think they necessarily need to redeem aaron for that moment, certainly not in the same way as they’re redeeming rob, because this isn’t a part of their relationship. it was a sign that their relationship had become something very different. it was a story tool to show how low aaron’s mh had sunk and what this relationship was doing to him - and the big pre-emptive reason why since then he’s tried (and failed) to stay away from robert as much as possible, why he absolutely refuses to go back there, why he literally said to liv that he’d spoken with his therapist and understood that that relationship was what he wanted, but absolutely not what he needed

the conversation aaron and rob have after aaron attacks rob says a similar sentiment - that aaron doesn’t deserve to feel the way he feels and that rob doesn’t deserve to deal with aaron having violent outbursts, which is what had just happened.

after everything - buying drugs, the self harming again, the coldness towards robert, it took almost literally killing robert, an actual act of classic aaron dingle-violence directed towards someone he would never fucking direct it towards under any other circumstances, for aaron to call it a day.

basically - this ask sort of implies (unintentionally?) that aaron would genuinely physically abuse robert in any other situation other than this very very specific and fraught one and that he wouldn’t immediately break up with robert and distance himself from the entire relationship afterwards, which i don’t believe is true. and if it is true then that’s a whole other fuckin Issue.

like. he’s not consistently throwing wrenches at robert, or beating him up on a regular basis. that’s not what this is and you... sort of make it sound like it is.... and there’s a big difference

but it’s not who aaron is and that’s not what their relationship is.

again - it was horrifying, but it’s not a running theme in their relationship (it’s also ur standard highly overdramatic soap storytelling)

(and i shouldn’t need to mention this but tumblr constantly makes me feel like i have to - obviously we’re working under soap morality here and not real world morality. irl aaron would have left robert the second he fuckin admitted to pushing a girl to her death. like. jesus. but it’s a soap.)

anywayyyy, contrast this with why robert is getting a whole ultimate redemption storyline - for every life he’s ruined, every bad decision he’s made. i think... on multiple occasions, aaron’s mh has deteriorated to the point where he’s, on multiple occassions, done impulsively terrible things in reaction to robert and has himself called out that that can’t continue, literally went to prison because of one of those times - and on a less extreme level, they’ve had the rockiest relationship in the world. like. there’s a reason why i started writing the break up guide - because they break up or almost break up a lot. a lot.

narratively that has almost always been attributed to robert’s actions and even when it’s been more directly out of something aaron has done, typically you can still trace that back to aaron working off the assumption that rob will do something terrible, because of his past decisions. rob is who he is - he has cheated on everyone, he has threatened people, attacked people, tried to kill people, done dodgy shit - he’s... well, you know, he plays the role of a typical long term soap villain.

narratively speaking

- and again, i feel like definitely need to be clear that i’m talking about what they’re trying to do and have done narratively, as part of the story, not what i myself think about these characters or whatever - this isn’t about me thinking that robert is the worst person in the entire fucking world and aaron is a blameless angel who has never done a thing wrong and i’m certainly not implying that robert and aaron’s relationship is inherently terrible and damaging to aaron

what i’m saying is that robert makes decisions without thought to the consequences and that makes him a fun character to put in different situations and also a compelling romanctic hero when we see that the one person who he does try to consider, who he does genuinely care about, who he does not want to hurt, is the person he’s in love with.

yes, the unintended consequences of robert’s decisions pushed aaron into a place where his mental health had entirely deteriorated and ultimately destroyed their entire relationship. this wasn’t ever ever what robert had intended and as a result of understanding how his decisions had caused aaron pain - the one thing he never wanted to do - he’s basically propelled himself towards a fucking breakdown.

he didn’t have a breakdown after literally killing someone. hurting aaron, though? remember how, during the reveal, robert says that aaron couldn’t hate him any more than he hates himself? this is literally all just.. a result of this.

but it’s led to robert making even more bad decisions. there’s never been a point where robert has sat down and honestly taken a look at why things have turned out this way

- just as aaron needed to almost fuckin full on murder robert to get the wake up call and also strength to completely break up with robert (and we know that usually they’re horrible at staying away from one another, so narratively speaking it did have to be that damn dramatic to make aaron’s attitude since believable), rob needs something that will be a wake up call to him to get him to change enough

because if he doesn’t change? he’s dooming himself to be god damn miserable for the rest of his life and worse than that, he’s going to destroy a lot of people in the process

he needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to be able to take a look at how his decisions affect other people, aaron and everyone else around him. the incident alone, aaron falling apart, the break up - that wasn’t enough for robert to understand, because all robert is really able to understand or face at the moment is that he’s in a shit load of pain and doesn’t want to think about it

so instead he’s acting out (like a child) and avoiding everything completely and instead dedicating himself to his og goal of taking home farm (conveniently narratively tying in his 2015 actions to his current decisions)

basically, robert needs to redeem himself for everything and change because:

the show has made it clear that actually aaron and robert won’t work while robert is still acting as recklessly as he does with other people’s feelings and well-being - no more kissing random exes in the name of revenge or getting more money, no more acting out and knocking up said ex, no more scheming for money - he’s come a long way, the reveal shows that much, but it’s not enough that he’s gotten better at saying sorry to aaron, they need to move him a little more away from “soap villain” and towards “romantic hero” in order to accomplish what they want and get the robron relationship to where they want it to be

(and sure they could have written that robert was magically wonderful after being shot but that would be so much less compelling and so much worse storytelling)

plus robert has done enough bad since he came back that he’s the perfect candidate for this type of big, overarching storyline - and they wanted to get rid of the whites, which had to involve robert heavily, it had to, it would have been insane and a complete cop out for it not to

i’m not suggesting they need to nueter robert completely and make him a good and pure little nugget of humanity, but i think it makes sense that they want to really push robert to the brink and bring him back completely as a way that they can realistically (so to speak) have him spend a good period not fucking up too much (we assume, who knows lmao) and also a good way for aaron and robert to get back together in a way where their past issues don’t come up to destroy them all over again

they both need to go into this with a different understanding of one another and better communication skills in general but... like... one massive problem at a time lmao

and this isn’t something they need to do for aaron - aaron who consistently owns up to his mistakes and tries to be better and has spent his break up trying to channel his pain and heartbreak into healthy ways of coping

robert still needs his wake up call

plus, it’s a compelling redemption story (and hopefully continues that way) which, unlike who shot robert, is actually about him

#answering anons #emmerdale meta #ed #robron #ed spoilers

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lothirielswanmarvel · 4 years

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“My Oasis of Normality” [4]

Continue EVANGELINE GREEN: THE ETERNAL HORIZON on your favorite reading platforms! Tumblr AO3 Wattpad

I sat cross-legged, staring at the phone in my lap. I was flipping through photos. There were a lot of pictures of this man with a gotye making funny faces. Some of him with a strawberry-blonde woman. Strawberries. She looked familiar.

I focused on her face. High cheekbones, gray eyes. Freckles dotted her nose like the sun glittering on ocean waves. She almost looked fragile, but I knew she wasn’t.

I traced the thin lines that made up her face with my eyes. Pepper.

—AVENGERS TOWER, 2015—

I stood there for a minute, wringing my hands as I scrutinized the dining table. I made lasagna—one of my aunt’s favorites. Not a strawberry was in sight. I was wearing my huge-lensed glasses instead of contacts in a poor attempt to look more like a trusted, responsible individual.

“Clint, I know you’re hiding coffee from starbucks underneath your chair.” I said as I straightened the tablecloth for the tenth time.

“Says the person who eats Nutella out of the container with a spoon. If I want to succumb to addiction, it's my choice, it's a free country.” Clint countered, hiding underneath the table for another sip. The rest of the Avengers sat around the dining room, giving me curious looks.

“As long as there’s no sugar or cream,” Steve shot Clint a stern look across the candlelit table.

Clint scoffed, “No. I refuse to live on Steve’s Styrofoam Diet.”

“Clint, we’re more active than other people. We need to fuel our bodies in accordance with that,” Steve replied.

“You mean you guys do. I just sit there, look pretty, and shoot stuff.”

Tony gasped. “Hey, you can't steal my job title. I did a lot of facial masks to get where I am today.”

I heard heels clicking and knew it was time. I inhaled sharply, steeling myself, and turned to face her. “Hi, Aunt Ginnie.”

My aunt smiled. Her name was Pepper Potts, but I liked to call her my Oasis of Normality. She was like one of those relatives that you always heard breathtaking stories about, and when you finally saw her, she was just...normal. Just an ordinary human being. That’s what I liked about her. Even in a world of spidermen and earth-walking gods, my Aunt Pepper could recall the stock market and talk about what a great deal she scored on her high heels. I loved her.

“Oh sweetie, look at you. How are you almost twenty, you still look like you’re sixteen,” Pepper kissed me on the cheek. So much for the facade of a grown adult. I guided her to the head of the table and ignored Nat’s arched eyebrow as I took my seat beside Thor.

“Pepper is right; you look lovely tonight, Angeline, and every other night,” Thor said. I felt my cheeks bloom into the color of my blouse. I couldn't let that fuzzy feeling take over and become lightheaded. Now was not the night to get distracted: I was on a mission.

Pepper looked over at Tony. He swallowed, “Uh...you look great, muffin top.”

“Put lasagna in your mouth and hush.”

“Am I allowed to make a Garfield joke—?”

“Don't.”

“Yes, dear.”

Things were still icy between them—more than usual, anyway—after Sokovia. Sokovia. My fingers tightened around my fork. Tonight wouldn't be easy.

I sat through the meal, listening politely as Rhodey told scary Tony stories (he used to tell war stories, but he learned that Tony tales were much more appealing to his audience). Wanda gushed over paintings she saw at a museum today that she had dragged Vision to see, and Steve questioned me a little too much about the ingredients I used to make everything. Finally desert came, and I set out a few tubs of ice cream, sauces, and nutella.

“Oh, great. It's Steve’s styrofoam ice cream,” Sam glared at the labels advertising low sugar.

Clint stealthily poured some of his coffee into his bowl, topped it off with some whipped cream, and started to sip. He shrugged and set it down. “So what’s the occasion, Angel Angie? Some ulterior motive...wait, this isn't an intervention, is it?”

I gave Clint a dubious look as he hugged the bowl to his chest. “No, but I’ll add that to the list. I just wanted to do something nice for everyone…”

“Aww, that’s sweet of you.”

“...And to let everyone know about the trip I'm taking.”

Wanda watched me curiously. Her face was small and sad-looking, permanently solemned with knowledge of every mind in the room. She already knew about my plan. I thanked her in my thoughts for letting me be the one to bring it to light.

Pepper licked her lips. “What trip? I don't remember you telling me about a trip.”

“I made the reservations recently,” I said. “I want to do some traveling, see Rome, Paris, Egypt…”

“You want to go backpacking through Europe?” Rhodey gave me a doubtful look.

“Sort of,” I started.

Pepper was already shaking her head back and forth, strawberry blonde strands falling across the shoulderpads of her white blazer. “Bad idea. Bad idea, honey. After Sokovia, just...the press are pariahs right now—”

“You’re right. They are pariahs, they always are.” I said, keeping my tone neutral. “But I think it might be good for me. Things aren't going to get easier with Sokovia. I have a degree in political science, and lots of connections with business owners I used to work for. I may have to make some future public appearances, and it may help our case if I look...more cultured.”

“That's...actually not a bad idea.” Natasha peered at me over the rim of her wine glass. “We need all the help we can get with our appearance.”

“Yes, it sounds like a worthy inclusion,” Thor’s voice boomed loudly beside me. “I've spent years protecting Earth, and yet I've hardly had the pleasure to appreciate its kingdoms.”

I pressed my lips together. The words came out on instinct, “Would you like to come with me?”

I could feel my heartbeat, everywhere, to the very tips of my fingers. Thor’s prominent blue eyes studied me carefully.

I’d lived under Pepper’s roof for awhile now, conducting myself in a polite, reserved manner that was necessary for the world of politics and press and companies and business. I lived in a world of uniform. But there were times when I wanted excitement, exotic, and new. I wanted Thor too, but I wondered if I was asking for too much.

“I would love to,” Thor said. For once his voice wasn't loud: his words were only for my ears. “It would be an honor, Evangeline.”

I smiled. Just the picture in my mind, on some foreign island away from responsibility, alone with Thor...we were close, always had been, but this was my chance. To shed the uniform. To try something exciting, exotic, and new.

Tony’s voice tore my gaze away from Thor’s face. “Cough cough, god of fertility, cough, use protection, cough.”

I could hear my aunt suck in air. I looked back at her and pushed my glasses higher up my nose. “It's strictly professional. I'm over eighteen, I'm legally allowed to go wherever I want.”

“No harm will come to Evangeline under my watch, Ms. Potts,” Thor replied and placed a hand on my arm. My aunt’s eyes bugged out at the gesture. I tried hard not to let my face bleed as bright as Tony’s suit.

“Fine. You’re an adult, and I'm not your mother,” Pepper covered her face with her hands and sighed. She opened her arms and drew me in for an unexpected embrace. “Just...just please be careful. Use your common sense, be rational, and responsible...and for the sake of God sleep in separate hotel rooms.”

—*—

“Hey—oh. Yo,” The metal door slid open to the room Mantis and I shared. Quill’s eyes flit up to my spot, sitting on the ceiling. My hair was dangling down—it only glowed in the dark, and shined dully in the dim lights of the ship.

“Hi. Apparently I can do this now…” I glanced down at the ceiling that I sat on. “You should get in on this, it's great for your back.”

Quill shrugged off the surprise. I watched him carefully, wondering if this was the moment where he would casually ask me to leave his ship.

“So you’re still bunking with us dwarves, Snow White?” He said.

My eyebrows creased. When I tilted my head to the side, I felt the weight of my hair shift. “I thought you would want me to leave...after that voicemail.”

“Pfft, don't be so hard on yourself. Rocket keeps a bomb in a box.” Quill remarked, leaning on the doorframe. “Besides, I'm pretty sure everyone on this ship has killed somebody. You’re not the odd man out.”

The crease in my eyebrows grew deeper. Peter misread it, “Unless you wanted to leave. I mean...it is your old life, if that's what you want…”

Peter watched with awe as I positioned myself sideways and glided back down to the floor. I held out my hand, and my phone fell at a slowed pace into my palm.

“Well...I was thinking. Trying to be rational about all of this…” I said, starting to gesture with my hands as I explained. “I think I should stay with you guys until I sort out my head a little bit. I don't know who those people are or what happened to me, and maybe it would be better if I figured it out for myself instead of being told the details.”

Quill digested my words, then nodded along. “Yeah. ‘Think that’s smart. Don't wanna end up like that movie Overboard, with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.”

“Kurt Russell?”

“Yeah. Good-lookin’, great hair. He was one of my idols growing up.”

“Huh.” The reference went completely over my memory-deprived head, but I nodded along anyway. I was too excited: in a matter of days I’d gone from the most lost person to a tourist of the galaxy. I was almost bouncing from the rush.

“Thank you so much for letting me stay,” I curled my hands beneath my chin. “This is like a Doctor Who episode...I forget what that is, but I'm still excited.”

“See? Nobody gets my references either! This is gonna be so cool!”

“Yay! Bring on the cool space stuff!”

“Yay!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Anyone else have that one relative with the styrofoam diet, and forget the taste of real food unless they go out to eat? No? Just me?

Clint: And Steve ;-;

Bucky: There's a reason I was driven to plums.

Tony: There's a reason I now hide blueberries in the furniture. Just don't check the potted plants—

Scott: Oh, you mean that hidden stash of Toffifay? Yeah, man...somebody took that...

Thor: Oh, this reminds me of a story! There was this one time where I went over to pick up Nutella, because I like Nutella, and then—

Everyone else: "My brother Loki transformed back into himself and said 'mmblerg, it's me.' And then he stabbed me."

Bucky: How many of your childhood stories end like that, man?

T'Challa: All of mine end with being peddled by cucumbers.

Tony: Are we all skating around the fact that Scott ate my entire stash of Toffifay?

Thor: He is a fiend.

Author: Dammit, now I'm famished. See you in the next chapter, love, fortune and glory to you, Awesome Adventurers!!

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breathtakingly-disastrous · 7 years

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My Last Few Months Away from Tumblr TW: Rape Mention

Okay, so I know I have been extremely inactive on tumblr the last few months but a lot has been going on.

I finally left my ex Jose in November. His best friend of 5 years and his best friend’s girlfriend came to me and begged me to leave him for my own sake. I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time he was with me. He fucked over 30 women behind my back without protection (he refused to use protection with me and he was my first and I just wanted him to like me so I let him do what he wanted), including his ex. I found out that on Halloween (the last day I saw him in person, he left my apartment after sobbing in my arms for 3 hours and falling asleep next to me and fucked his ex that same night.

I kind of spiraled into drugs and alcohol and partying for most of November and December. I was facing 5 blunts a day and my days off from work were spent getting drunk and fucking random guys I met at bars (I’m still 20 until the end of this month). I didnt feel good about myself unless I was getting attention from guys or absolutely shitfaced or high as hell. Smoking weed has so many health benefits when youre mentally ill, but I had let myself become dependent on it. I was spending money I didnt have on it, buying almost $80 worth of weed a week that should have been going towards my rent.

During my relationship with Jose I was raped by two coworkers. One of which was a manager at my job. The other continued to try and mess with me at work, trying to catch me in the freezer or the backroom, he even stuck his hand down my pants at work one night when we were closing up together. I never reported the rapes. I didnt want to face what had happened to me. I did however tell my general manager about the coworker trying to stick his hand down my pants at work but instead of being fired he was just moved to morning shift. Then for some reason the general manager scheduled me for a morning shift and told him he wasnt allowed to come in that day because our schedules would overlap and his sister came to my job to beat my ass. She never touched me. I had told Jose about the rapes and he told me he was “glad I was experiencing other people”.

Then in late november (while i was in the middle of dealing with trying to numb myself with alcohol and partying) I got a call from my roommate to get her from my friend Moe’s house. She was drunk as fuck so I figured I would help her out. When I got there I found out my other roommate who doesnt drink was there so i relaxed and had a beer. figuring she would be able to help me get my other roommate to leave. We started playing truth or dare and I had started drinking way more than I should have. I let Moe and my roommates pressure me into flashing my chest as part of the game as well as making out with everyone in the room. We finally started to settle down because my roommate and Moe had taken xanax while they were drinking and it was starting to kick in. my sober roommate and I were laying next to moe cuddling and she goes out into the living room for a moment to see if my drunk roommate is okay on the couch and the second that door shut and I was alone in there with him, he jumped on me. my sober roommate even came back in the room and saw him on top of me and just walked back out. I laid there for an hour telling him no before I felt I finally had to cave in just to get him off of me. I wrote it off as a hook up because I didnt want to deal with the reality of everything plus he was my friend, right? he wouldnt do that, right?

I started drinking and smoking even more. I didnt want to feel. I was going out to bars and clubs every friday and saturday night with the goal of bringing somebody home. If I didnt bring anyone back I felt unwanted.

In late december I decided I wanted to stop upping my body count and since I didnt want to get emotionally invested with anyone, I settled with finding a friend with benefits.

That’s when I met Manuel on tinder. Manuel is actually a celebrity who had his 15 minutes of fame in 2015 when he was featured on a song by Trey Songz. We were smoking and hooking up from New Years Eve (the first time we had even met we had sex) up until January 20th. January 20th is forever stained in my mind because that was the night he violently raped me for over 8 hours. He left bruises on my arm from when he got mad at me for refusing to buy him cocaine from my third roommate (the other two roommates moved out around Jan. 1st) and he slammed me against a wall. And he left huge deep bite marks on my neck. He would tell me to talk dirty to him and every time I did he would bite me and tell me to shut the fuck up. He wouldnt let go of my hair and he made me do disgusting degrading things to him even though I told him no. I waited a week to go to the police because, again, I didnt want to face the reality of what had happened to me. I was going to press charges but the police made me change my mind. They interrogated me and made me question my own sanity. I know I said no. I cried no. He just didnt listen. But the police said I was lying.

Sometimes when I lay in bed at night I can physically feel hands on my body. That is the scariest thing I have ever felt.

I am currently in counseling to deal with everything I’ve been repressing and it’s taking a huge toll on me. I want to just shut my feelings off again and stay numb. But I know that’s not healthy. I’m just concerned that all of this is going to ruin my current relationship. I told my boyfriend before we got together about all of this and he still supports me. But I feel like i cant get emotionally attached to anyone anymore. He is such a great guy and I want things to work but i’m not happy. Im just not happy with life in general. Part of me wants to go back to drinking, smoking, partying, and anonymous sex but I know it’s not right. Ive been in counseling for almost two months now and I’m starting to feel again. But I dont like feeling anymore. I still smoke every once in a while because, like I said, it has health benefits. It helps me sleep (insomnia), I can think clearly and my mind isnt always racing (anxiety), Im not always down and unmotivated (depression), and the flashbacks arent as bad or vivid (PTSD). But I am almost a month sober now. I figure if i do it in moderation or just when necessary it will be beneficial, and it has been.

But yeah, that’s been my life over the last few months. I’ve been through hell and im working my way back. My counselor says Im a survivor but I still feel like im drowning, moreso now than before. But i guess this is part of the healing process?

#long post #personal #trigger warning #rape #drugs #alcohol #I dont want to feel anymore #but i know i have to #and im making the effort to get better

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