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jubilentjarofjam-blog · 5 years

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Searching for Passion

Preface: I didn’t really think I would write this much. This is really more of a journal entry than a coherent internet post. I just think it’s nice to know that this is out there for someone else to read, should they please. Enjoy my thoughts.

I spent a lot of time last semester trying to find out what my “passion” was. Here I am after working so hard in high school to be in the engineering program, but I can’t really motivate myself to work that hard right now. I wasn’t not taking any science classes last semester, which is what really interests me. And while I love science and math, my engineering design classes have showed me that I really hate design. There’s no sureness about anything. You just make up some BS about why the customer needs this or that. I want to solve unsolved problems with with physics, calculus, and maybe some good old algorithms. I don’t want to make an app look all fancy or figure out how to optimize your workflow.

I don’t think changing my major to physics is the right path. The hard science will in fact come in during the later half of my degree, but God does all this BS suck. Speaking of majoring in physics, I do think doing science research would be amazing. I admire the greats like Einstein and Feynman, but I don’t want to be stuck doing purely theoretical stuff just yet. I want go out and push the limits of human technology. I have a real interest in space travel. (A YouTuber, Exurb1a, has really put into words what I value. He talks about science, feelings, and the fate of humanity.) Maybe after we get to Mars I’ll reside back to the lab. Then I might like to go into teaching to finish out my career. That might be quite nice. I think that’s getting real close to where my passions lie. Wow. Let’s continue.

I’ve also come to realize that making my parents proud has become quite important to me. They’ve worked so, so hard to get me here. They just want to see me succeed. I remember a moment last year, at my grandma’s funeral. She was my dad’s mom. I didn’t really know this grandma too well, so I wasn’t too teary. But then my dad stood up to speak. He told me before hand that he always thought it was a shame how no one hardly ever stood up to say anything at funerals, so he was going to make an effort. He told a story about how his mom would always drive him and brother over this bump in the road and they would scream “again, again!” and his mom would keep turning around over and over. I always knew my parents grew up poor, but had no idea how hard my dad had it until this funeral. I want my parents to know that they raised an amazing child. I want them to know that all of the hard work and suffering they and their parents went through resulted in a better future. I want them to be proud.

Thinking about how much video games were such a huge part of my childhood made me start to remember all the things I did besides video games. I got so hung up on video games that last semester I was convinced for a couple weeks that I needed to pursue a career that involved them. I kept searching within myself for a “passion,” but video games were the only thing other than physics that I really lost myself in. Before adolescence, though, my sights were on other things. I had a very active imagination as a child. Me and my friends would pretend to have great battles against vast armies and wield many powers. My mind was preoccupied not with what the world was, but what it could be. What if real life was like Lord of the Rings with goblins and dwarves? What if I could use the force like Luke Skywalker? What if I could build a lightsaber?

I was very interested in building things as a child. I was obsessed with making booby traps at one point. I liked Legos and was stereo-typically obsessed with minecraft at age 12. Halo Reach Forge preoccupied me for many hours. All these things led me to believe that I was destined to be an engineer. All the signs were there: Making things, enjoyed science, good at math. What went wrong? In high school I delved more into making things, but ha really because I was forcing myself. I wanted to be the smart tinkering kid in all the movies that makes lasers and drones. The fact of the matter was, I just didn’t like it that much.

I think I have now come to realize that it’s not tinkering or even making things that excites me, it’s exploration. What will happen if I do this? My senior year of high school, I finally had one project that excited me quite a bit. I had a bunch of electronics that got because I wanted to look smart. I decided I would put them to use to explore something I actually did enjoy: physics. I spent a lot of time on physics my junior and senior year. It was a nice escape, made me feel productive and smart, and I eventually realized that I quite enjoyed. It revived that curiosity and wonder from my childhood. SpaceTime can bend! Anyways, I decided I would use my kinematics prowess and limited knowledge of electronics to make a device that would shoot various projectiles at various angles and then point a laser where the object would land. I did the math, put the equations into python for the python microcontroller I had, and hot glued a laser pointer to a servo. It didn’t end up working because the servo wasn’t nearly precise enough, but that was the most fun I had building something since I was like 8.

I want to use science and technology to do really amazing things. I just have to find the right way to do so. I need to find the right company to work for. I don’t want to do human-centered design. I want to solve problems that involve physics. I want to work at a place like SpaceX. I want to dream big. I don’t know if I can get there, but aiming for anything else just doesn’t drive me. I want my parents to see a rocket I helped make fly to Mars. I’m tired of being depressed and anxious. I want to want something, I think this is it.

I’m going to write those lab reports I didn’t write and ask for late credit. I’m going to study for my circuits exam. I’m going to ace my physics class. I’m going to explore the universe in the name of my 8 year old self, my parents, and all those who want to dream.

#childhood #nostalgia #passion #drive #motivation

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