#i always make appts for 4

[trashmouth-richie]

WE’RE THE LAST IN LINE: 4

PART: 1 | 2 | 3 | 5

mechanic!Eddie x Fem!Reader

Modern AU

W.C 2.5k

A/N: Part 4 is finally here!

Since that night, you had woken up to Eddie’s little “Good Morning” texts all week. They started out normal, a simple, “Good Morning,” but the more and more you two talked, the more sweet and goofy they became. For you it was just nice to have someone to talk to, something to look forward to every morning, and Eddie never failed to make you smile.

For Eddie, it was refreshing to talk to someone who genuinely asked how he was doing, and wanted to know how his day was. Instead of the one way constant texts and calls from her. From the moment she woke up to the moment she fell asleep it never stopped. But you? You were different. And Eddie was finding himself smiling at work thinking about the texts you would send him. He couldn’t stop thinking about you. Finding it easier to wrap himself up thinking of your texts than the doom that followed him wherever he went.

You were practically giddy on Saturday as you came in early to open the shop. Skipping with joy over to Pete’s laptop to start up his weekend playlist. Dancing as you looked over the books at the incoming appointments. And your heart beat faster as you skimmed down the names and your eyes rested upon the name your mind hadn’t stopped racing thinking of, 10:45–EDDIE. Your job on weekends was to call all the appointments for the day and to make sure people would still be arriving on time, or if they needed to reschedule. First appointment was a woman named Marcia, who confirmed “yes” to her cover up at 8:30. The next appointment was a man by the name of Bulldog, he was getting a Prince Albert piercing done by Ziggy at 9:30, he confirmed “fuck yeah” to his appointment. And the next appointment for Pete was Eddie. You thought about texting him but decided against it and called him from the work phone instead.

“P-p-PETE! what’s up man?” Eddie shouted through the receiver.

“Definitely not Pete, it’s y/n,” you say with a laugh. “I’m just calling to confirm your 10:45 with p-p-PETE.”

“Wow, I certainly know how to make an ass out of myself don’t I?” Eddie laughs, “yeah I’ll be there, the real question is when does Pete’s apprentice get to stop practicing on the fake stuff and practice on someone real?”

“Ahh, that would be up to Pete. His apprentice is ready but she’s not sure that Pete thinks the same.” a smile is plastered so hard on your face you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror as you pass by.

“Well, how about a little birdie talks with Pete about it and let’s the apprentice, try—- okay I’m getting confused, I’m gonna talk to Pete and see if he will let you give me a tattoo today, ‘kay?”

“W-what? Eddie!” Your mind is going a thousand miles a minute, you were excited to be given an opportunity like this but on him?, you touching his skin? What if he hates it? What if he never came back into the shop again?! A million different scenarios ran through your mind as your tongue got more and more tied. “I-I don’t want to ruin you.”

Eddie lets out a loud belly deep laugh, “oh honey you’re far too sweet to ruin me.” Eddie slams his phone repeatedly into his head, “just uhh—yeah— I’ll talk to Pete and see what he thinks, so yes, count me in for you doing me at the appointment… uh— what’s that? Yeah ok! Sorry I gotta go! Bye…. MOTHER F—”

Click

Eddie can’t believe that you make him this nervous, nervous to the point that he can’t even talk right. He shakes his head as the heat from his cheeks start to subside.

Giggling you write down that Eddie confirmed his appt as you stare longingly at his name. God, what if Pete actually let you practice on him?

The morning flew by. Pete managed to change Marcia’s hodgepodge of a butterfly into a beautiful black and white rose. According to the blood curdling screams from Ziggy’s back corner, the Prince Albert piercing that Bulldog got was going well. Just waiting for 10:45 to see Eddie’s cute, infectious smile warm the place up. As always you heard Eddie’s motorcycle before you saw him. Perking up a bit and running your fingers through your hair, you apply a generous amount of chapstick to your lips and rub them together before Eddie is opening the door.

“Pete!” Eddie calls swith a cupped hand to his mouth, he’s wearing all black, from his hair down to his boots, he looks like a metal grim reaper dripping of sex and smelling of smoke. He somehow looked hotter and hotter every time you saw him. Blood rushed to your cheeks as he gazed at you with those dark chocolate eyes, winking as he strolled up to the desk. “Uh 10:45 for Sir Edward Munson.” Eddie says with a British accent.

“Edward huh?” You say with a giggle as you mark him checked in on the iPad. “So formal.”

“Yeah I didn’t uh think that through,” Eddie says shaking his head and pinching the corners of his eyes, “please don’t ever call me that, sounds like I’m a vampire hunter from colonial times.” He says with a laugh leaning on the counter. His face inches from your own. His eyes are the deepest pools of melted chocolate, you almost look for Augustus Gloop as you stare into them. “It’s good to see you, funny how I have to go to your work to finally see the girl I text non stop, when we are literally, next door neighbors.” He smiles as he pops a piece of orbit into his mouth, winking again as he munches on his gum.

“Dude ya gonna flirt all day or do you want this shit done?” Pete emerges from the back room rubbing his black latex gloved hands together.

Eddie’s cheeks pink as he pushes off the desk and walks to Pete. “Sorry my guy, hey I was thinking… what if your apprentice,” he says motioning to you, “were to test her skills on me?”

Pete ponders the idea, “what do you think? Ya think you’re ready? I mean it’s just Eddie.”

“Hey!”

You shrug nonchalantly as if you aren’t internally screaming, “I mean I’d like to see where I’m at, and if Eddie is willing..”

“Look at him,” he says motioning to Eddie’s puppy dog eyes, “he’s practically drooling at the thought of your hands on ‘em, come on then. Grab your shit.”

You grab all the essentials needed, and Eddie takes a seat in the chair. “So uh, what are you thinking of getting, and where?”

“Well since this is your first tattoo I’m gonna let you pick.” He leans forward and takes off his shirt. His body is covered in various different tattoos, all patchwork. Except for the Chrissy tattoo. Avoiding staring for too long at the name that has haunted your dreams, you trail your fingers down his arm and find room down by his wrist.

You get the colors needed, and begin sketching as Eddie talks to Pete. A rough draft is drawn up and the final design is put on the transfer paper. Pete looks at it with eyebrows raised. “I mean he’s got weirder shit done, did you see the Land Before Time tattoo I did a few years ago by his elbow?”

“Leave my tree star alone man,” Eddie says proudly displaying it as he cranes his elbow, “shit looked delicious don’t even lie to yourself.”

You let out a loud laugh, he was such a little kid you couldn’t help but snicker at the shit he said on a daily basis. “Alright I’m gonna put the stencil down now so look away, I want you to be surprised!”

The entirety of the tattoo took around three hours. Eddie was probably the easiest person to work on because he already had so many it really didn’t bother him at all. He just sat and talked to Pete about projects he was working on in the garage that week, how he was going to store his motorcycle and start driving the 4Runner again since winter was right around the corner.

You finish the last pieces up and Pete steps over to take a look, “wow, fuck y/n this is good!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why would I lie?” Pete says as he wipes the green soap solution off one last time. “Alright dude, she’s done and this thing is fucking awesome.” Eddie jumps up as he makes his way to the mirror, you stand back shyly as you clean up.

“Shut the fuck up, the pink Power Ranger!” The smile on Eddie’s face is damn near ear to ear, “And what is she holding?”

“Oh ya know?” you tease, “just a cup of sugar.”

You didn’t think Eddie’s smile could break any wider but it does, “I love it! Oh my God this is the coolest tattoo, no offense Pete, that I’ve gotten yet.” Eddie steps towards you and swoops you into a hug, spinning you around. He sets you down gently and keeps his hands on your upper arms, “Uhh— thank you, it’s seriously so badass, you did an incredible job.”

Eddie is staring straight into your soul, his eyes are bright and full of infatuation. He hasn’t stopped smiling since he got to Pete’s earlier today and it was because of you. He had wanted to see you all week but was content with the texts you sent him throughout the day. He didn’t want to ruin a good thing— if there even was a thing to talk about between the two of you. Only one way to find out, and he was praying like hell that the Gods of awkwardness would settle themselves long enough for him to ask.

“Hey, when are you off work today? Do you maybe wanna— I don’t know, grab a pizza and watch some scary movies at my place?” He smiled shyly down at you, cheeks fluttering pink, “I’ll even pick you up.” he says with a wink.

You would be lying to yourself if you hadn’t developed small, sweet, ooey gooey, feelings for him. He was affectionate, charming, goofy and extremely down to earth. You would be out of your mind and foolish if you were to say no. “What time?”

Eddie wasn’t kidding when he said he would pick you up, he knocked on your door at quarter to 7, carrying a single rose. He was wearing two silver chains, a long sleeved black shirt and a pair of black jeans and boots. He had on the rings he always wore, and a smile that could make Colgate jealous. “I thought about bringing the sugar over but since you permanently marked me with it I figured I already am bringing it wherever I go.”

You chuckle as Eddie takes you in, you’re wearing a pair of leggings with fuzzy socks rolled over top and an oversized crewneck sweater with ghost face on the front of it, he’s kicking his feet holding a pink phone, a speech bubble over his head reads, “no you hang up first”.

“Okay and props to you for the ‘Scream’ sweater, I don’t care what anyone says, it’s the best franchise out there!” Eddie grins, handing you the rose.

“It was the first scary movie I've ever seen.” you take the rose and inhale it’s beautiful aroma, you turn slow and grab a small vase from your kitchen and fill it with water. Plucking the rose inside of it. “This is beautiful, Eddie, thank you.”

He blushes slightly and hides his face with his hair. “You ready to go? I figured we could hop over to my place and then order the pizza if that’s cool with you?” You lock your door and walk the 8 steps to Eddie’s apartment. His apartment is identical to yours only backwards. Your kitchen is on the left of your apartment, his on the right. The walls in his living room are bare, a lamp beside the big sectional couch provided soft lighting, the tv is the size of the wall it’s hanging from, a small bookcase sits in front of the living room window holding some little odds and ends.

“This is nice, cozy.” You smile looking around some more.

“Eh, it’s alright, not as loved as your place but I do have the bigger tv.”

After much discussion about whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not Eddie orders a large pizza, half canadian bacon and pineapple the other half pepperoni. You excuse yourself to the bathroom as he picks out a good movie. His bathroom is like any other 20 something year old males bathroom. A single towel, a gray shower curtain with a matching rug, toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter, a roll of toilet paper on the back of the toilet. You're pleasantly surprised when you find a bottle of handsoap, but being a mechanic he probably actually uses it.

“And if you’re wrong about the pizza?” You ask him returning from the bathroom and plopping down next to him, “What do I get in return if it’s gross?”

Eddie turns to face you as he wets his lips, “oh I’ll think of something.” He looks so fucking good right now you hardly realized how close you were moving in. His hand gently moves to your chin as he pulls you closer. Your lips party slightly aching to feel his lips against yours. All the pining stares, stolen glances and late night texts were finally building and now exploding around this moment.

A knock on the door breaks the tension between yours and Eddie’s lips. “Saved by the Bell” Eddie grins as he gets his wallet for a tip. He opens the door casually as his eyes are casted downward fishing in his wallet.

A shriek you’re sure is one decibel away from only being heard by dogs bounced off every surface of Eddie’s apartment and rings in your ears.

“WHO THE HELL IS SHE?!”

Eddie nearly fainted at the sight of her, color rushing from his cheeks as his eyes go dark with pure hatred, what the fuck is she doing here? The woman in question?

Chrissy

Taglist: @boomhauer @sidthedollface2 @b-irock @creoleguurl @tlclick73 @manda-panda-monium @audhd-dragonaut @emxxblog @jadequeen88 @edsforehead @quinnsgrapejuice @idkidknemore @bebe0701 @mandyjo8719 @chelebelletx @big-ope-vibes

#eddie munson #eddie x fem!reader #eddie munson smut #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson angst #eddie munson x f!reader #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #mechanic!eddie #mechanic eddie smut #eddie x y/n smut #eddie x y/n #eddie x y/n fluff

[thatbitcheryextras]

I would love to hear what your daily routine is: hobbies, skincare, interest, workout routines, what a day typically looks like for you, etc

typically my days are dictated by whatever "major" activity I have happening, say, classes, physical work, event, gathering, etc since usually they they have very different times, requirements, etc so general planning wouldn't work. If we take morning and evening routines they look a lot like

Wake up

Bible study (usually podcast as I drink my water, make my bed, open windows etc )

Pray, journal, check & update my to do list.

Take a walk / stretch / workout / [has to be outside my appt & as much as possible under the sun]

Shower & dress

Whatever activity waits [if no official activity then I'll probably watch a movie or read a book or meal prep or study or lazy around or whatever fits my fancy aka adhd. I'm pretty disorganized on days not centered around a major activity & I'm not capable of rest hehe)

I take my first calories / meal after 1 pm.

Night routine looks a lot like [roughly]

(Have my last calories before 9pm, usually. Ideally 8 but 9-10 works)

Listen to *usually Christian or neuroscience or psychology* podcast as I clean around (bc despite choosing my next day outfits I will leave my closet in a mess, one way or the other)

Finish up any leftover work from the day (usually work or study or project)

Update next day's to do list.

If it's past 2am, sleep. If not, pass time(books *fictional only* movies usually series etc) till its around 2am because I'm a raging insomniac that can't sleep for more than 4 hours :)

Hobbies:

Im indoorsy as they come. Reading. I'm a novel × Manga girl. Actual Manga nerd. Anime. Rarely movie / series. Usually on my free time I'm on kindle hooked on some thriller / mindf*ck book. Thats if it's raining or I'm in uni or work. If I can be outside I'll be bowling or swimming. My friends and communities take up most of my free time so probably at church or stuffed in one of our apartments doing whatever. On weekends I have dance classes , sign language and German. Now that I think of it I never have free time haha. Unless in a car or my place.

Skincare? Cleanser , toner , moisturizer (+SPF50, during day). That's it. Make up? Tattooed my eyeliner so I just rock with the lip gloss. I have great features idk what to say. Hair? Always in braids. Always. Always. Me and my ponytail against the world. I've been wearing the same bracelet, earrings and rings for probably a year now, only take them off for cleaning. And for events. Minimalism + I'm not really a fashion girlie. :). I get my nails done every month, it's ALWAYS black henna. & yes natural nails bc I'm God's favorite with the body + features he gave me.

Workout, I move, a lot. I don't have a workout routine between taking the stairs, walking to work and school & everywhere dance classes and ADHD level fidgeting I manage to stay fit.

Im a pretty boring person it seems :(.

Simplicity + minimalism + introvercy.

[fortheloveofdeaddove]

Mental health ramblings and a literal vomit rant

Thanks for the amazing messages of support recently. I read them all and take them to heart, and do a LOT of beating myself up for not always responding. Thanks for being understanding about that. In my support circle, there's is a secret 4th "person" that I have been saved by many times, but actively try not to rely on because that would be bad for many reasons. That secret 4th person is The Positive Interactions I Get On Tumblr.

Hm... Pounded By the Positive Interactions I Get On Tumblr sounds like a GREAT new title for @drchucktingle.

Anyway on to the title of the blog.

Am I sick, or am I depressed?

Like, vomiting feels near. Headache, check, full-body "medicated" feeling, check, hot and cold flashes, check, possible fever sweats or maybe just normal sweats cuz weather's bein' real frickin weird in the Land of Oz in March, check.

Circumstantial evidence suggests stomach flu is likely - it hit The Father, The Kiddo, and a huge percentage of my city's population *crosses self*.

Is it both? After several weeks of my version of pushing myself, this may be the natural low dip.

Is it my period? Probably that, too. The ol' endo pain has been tickling (that's not the right word but it's poetically speaking not the wrong word) at my sides, *checks* yup, boobs are sore. And last month's pimples are nearly healed indicating just about enough time has passed before I can expect new ones (I have a gyno appt on Friday next week - believe me, I am finally asking about getting The Scoop or whatever needs to be done to make this STOP).

Or, is it this weird 4th/5th thing where I'm a bad person and making this happen somehow with my attitude and tendency to "overstate things" (oooh, ouch, I'm still hung up on that). And codependency. Can't hurt to throw that in there (last sobriety meeting covered codependency And It Stirred Things).

Mainly I just wanna know if I'm gonna start projectile vomiting, and since I can't know until it's happening, I'm needlessly documenting this despite the increasing headache, AS WELL AS PREPARING UTTERLY.

Now for my very weird take on vomiting. Here's your chance to opt out of me non-graphically (imo) explaining my personal history with vomiting, vomiting technique, and vomiting etiquette. I do not have a purging eating disorder (no no, just the binge for me, I'm already near my disorder limit for my lifetime). You might be sensitive to/bothered by the following if you do deal with eating disorders.

For my kinksters, this is not about emotophilia. However, feel free to get off on this in the event that that is your thing. I don't love it, but I fully support YOU loving it. (Oh gawd I've turned into that Cringe Kink Parent... Hooray!)

The observant reader can very much tell I am an alcoholic( 172 or 3 days sober, 4 years into recovery journey).

I've long said of myself, even though it's a very weird thing to say facetiously though it's meant, "Self," I says, "if I'm ever being tortured for information (ha!), all they'd need to do is make me nauseous."

I can handle most anything else they could think of, but I'd break under nausea in an instant. I hate, I hate, I HATE nausea. No one loves it lets be real (wait, let me Google that... well, that's just gonna have to be for another day, and possibly a different search engine), but I do think I may have an irrational intolerance for it. I damn near panic. If I can't know for a fact that I can't hydrate, Pepto, or THC my way out of it, my finger is going DOWN DOWN DOWN my throat until enough momentum is going for a full sesh. And if I stop prematurely, that finger is going BACK down.

Additionally, vomiting is messy. Rarely is that the only "evacuating" you're doing at the same time (at least when you're me). And I hate nothing more than cleaning up puke or other fluids. So if I am lucky enough to have some forewarning, you will find me ON a toilet, with a nice, clean bucket or trashcan to puke into (just don't come looking for me, please, why would you do that).

There will be a cup/bottle of water there already, and I will have hydrated enough to make this a smooth operation. There will be a washcloth/towel. Once I even managed to have the space heater in the bathroom waiting for me, because I get really fucking cold AFTER puking. The fan will be on hand somewhere close by to point at me when I get hot before and DURING the vomiting.

I cannot parse the reasons why, but I'm still flattered by the compliment from my last ex - "Wow, you know how to puke like a professional." So many red flags lololol.

So anyway that's the end of my Puke Ted Talk. I'm gonna try and sleep and we'll see if I wake up at the witching hour to puke. Because it's always the witching hour. Have YOU ever woken up to puke at 2 am or 4 am? No. It's always 3.

#mental health ramblings #dead dove speaks #tw: vomit #the flu #flu #stomach flu #stomach virus #depression #menstrual cycle #endometriosis #chronic fatigue

[eyeless-jack62002]

You know im mentally fucked when im here again

Also to those posting in these tags u can put the squiggle line so ur not jumpscaring ppl and less likely to get reported so fast.

Not me on my 3rd acc. Tho yall really help me stay clean. My partner started back in Novemberish maybe sooner. Right after our 4 y anniversary. And then she just dropped it on me. She knew i was trying to stay clean for her and i was doing such a good job. I only thought about it and would scroll here to "get my fix" its an addiction and i dont think ppl realize that. She brought my favorite drvgs into the house and hid it from me for months. Tho she doesnt even know i have a tumblr. Shes starting therapy now finally. And me too. I have an appt next week. I havent been since i was 12. Im scared. I dont trust therapists. I wish i could just cvt head to toe. All over everywhere. Id be exactly how i wanna be. I want this. But i cant. Gotta be around for my partner. Even tho she didnt want to for me. I told her if she wanted we could together but that we wouldnt be same ever again. I wish shed said yes but thats just jack. He clouds my thoughts with his own. Ik im sick. I wish she never told me. Ive been spiraling for months but i have to shove that down so i can help her get better. I warned her. She knew i was trying ro get better but she still fucking did it behind my back for months!! I almost broke up with her. I wnated so bad to run away and never see her again. But whats the price of choosing to love someone but urself. Id give my entire being up for her and in a way i do. Ive just been so hurt and its all i can think about. I threw away my fucking stash for her!! I regret that somedays. Today especially. We had to drain our fucking saving acc bc of her. She kept skipping work and we kept having less and less financial stability. Still dont but were starting to recover from that but barely. Its like she fucking ignored all of my advice as someone who has been selfh@rming for over a decade. Fuck what i have to say tho. The worst part of it all she cvt the same way and places as my quail as my ruby did. Fucked. She didnt know that tho. And i was finally fucking comfortable with telling her about my self h@arm and she fucking did it anyways. And she told me as if it was her telling what we her having for dinner. I cant even cry anymore over this. Why does this all still bother me. I have no tears left. I admit i screamed a lot. I hit her cvts slapped them. You didnt feel the pain then but u feel it now?? It hurts now? And she said to me "i thought you would have noticed" so snarky. Why the fuck would i think my partner who knows of my history would fucking betraw me like this. And then to be a bitch about it and ask for MY HELP!?!? TEH FUCKING INSANITY. She doing better now tho. Good for her. Ive never been okay. And i dont think i will be. I dont want to get better. Being sick feels too good. And eventually me subbing out cvting for w33d will get old eventually. It always does. Nothing can scratch this itch i have so badly in me. Its like my insides scream to be let out. Its like an energy that flows out with the red. She doesnt understand what cvtting is for me. She said she wanted to die. But knowing you wont die is what keeps me held. I have sold my soul. Im bound. Ruby stopped when we broke up. And i told her i did as well. I know were both liars but thats why ill always have a place in me for ruby. I love my partnerbut if she wants to replace ruby she can be my guest. But replaceing ruby will just make you into a ruby. And no one wants that. I love my partner and im clean for her. Why couldnt she do that for me.

I feel like im in my wattpad days in here. Jacks old diary. But he likes it here better. Anyways if u made it this far enjoy a gif from one of my current special interest show 🖤 -t and jack

#self h@rm #baby cvts #i want to cvt #s3lf harn #sh tumblr #sh things #s3lf mutilation

[axiolotl]

ive been putting a ton more on my plate lately but i kinda love it? like its definitely more obligations/commitments then ive made in...a while, but, its nice. its like im in a place (mentally, physically) to Do More Things. a quick list of what im currently doing/planning (bc im proud of myself and not allowed to tell myself im NOT doing anything):

joined my local DSA

then joined the comms committee! been doing a lot to revamp their social media and website, and help them communicate and advertise all their pro-palestine actions. ive been meeting a lot of cool local people, and have joined their housing working group too! going to some sort of DSA meeting (or action, or teach in...) basically once a week

it feels really good to flex my writing, editing, and journalism skills again. lots of PR about this stuff is informed by news judgement, and im glad im also helping teach others on the comms committee by proxy

i also reached out to an old librarian friend on a lark, and she asked if i wanted to be an outside programmer and run d&d for her middle schoolers at the library!! i said YES ABSOLUTELY and now im doing 4 sessions in april! (and getting paid????? pog). gonna be a bit of prep but im excited

then i also also decided i need to do a test run of this adventure w friends so now we're playing a 4 session campaign in March, more prep (and itll be newer people playing too so! get to teach)

am beta reading now (hi alastair) and its a really fun commitment

im also planning 2 bachelor/ette parties for two diff weddings, on top of making plans to actually go to those weddings in the summer (which has required a Lot of planning). one bachelor party basically clinched and down, one to go

also planning a trip to see the solar eclipse in april

oh and im also still in 3 other ttrpg campaigns

ive also actually committed to putting aside a budget for my double wedding boogaloo, which is Huge for me considering im always flying by the seat of my pants

i feel more confident at work. ive been there 1 year + 1 month, got my eval in, im the dept golden boy! i started networking outside the dept to collaborate more & look for better (maybe higher paying...) opportunities

so many more doctor appts. got new psychiatrist, gonna see a cardiologist, actually made an appt with an obgyn

#the one thing i havent been able to come back to is working out. post covid working out is scary #i have an appt w a cardiologist. but thats the one thing i rlly miss and could go back to #ellis.txt #i legit knew id get more confident and more involved with Everything after top surgery and i was Right. #its so freeing

[mellaithwen]

Tagged by @fcntasmas @nymika-arts @like-the-rest-of-la @princessfbi and @fleurdebeton (adjsksks getting tagged in things is like my love language ❤️)

🎶✨️When you get this you have to put 5 songs you actually listen to, publish, then send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨️🎶

I decided to look at my on repeat and repeat rewind playlists on spotify (just cause my liked playlist is loooong)

1. Honest by Kyndal Inskeep

I tell you that I'm whole, but I'm still healing. I tell you that I'm happy, but I'm grieving. Thought I was a fighter; I'm still in the fire. ‘cause if I'm being honest, I'm not being honest. I'll give you roses just hoping you don't see the weeds in my garden.

I’m literally looking at those lyrics and thinking well. That’s pretty self-explanatory? So I might skip the overshare. But uh. Yeah, easily playing that song daily.

2. Lost by Dermot Kennedy

I was lost 'til I found you. Now these songs will hold and hide your name

I realise nOONE will be surprised to see Dermot in this list (Ciara, I’m looking at you) but I never tire of him, or this song. When I’m writing fic, if a song plays that gels with the content/le vibe, I end up putting that song song on repeat until the fic’s finished, aaaaand at the time I was writing a 10k post-shooting 911 fic so you can imagine how long that took me.

3. Vienna by Billy Joel

slow down you’re doing fine, you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time…

my mams favourite song, and one of mine too. when I’d have anxiety attacks before appts I’d always put this on :’)

4. Arcade by Duncan Laurence

I'm afraid of all I am, my mind feels like a foreign land. Silence ringing inside my head. Please carry me, carry me, carry me home.

This is another “wrote a bunch of 911 fic to it and now I can’t stop listening” song, because the Buck vibes are. Off the charts.

5. Feather on the Clyde by Passenger

Well there's a river that runs through Glasgow, and makes her but it breaks her and takes her into the parks. And her current just like my blood flows, down from the hills, round aching bones to my restless heart.

Beautiful lyrics and lovely tune aside, I was listening to this a lot while I was reading/writing Star Trek AOS fic, and maaaan, I cannot stress enough the comforting nostalgia I have for LiveJournal circa 2009. The Kirk/McCoy fic was *so good* i still think about it often. Like Vixys’s sealed by a fragile touch series? Broke me. But like. In the best most poignantly painful way. If you’ve read it then. You know.

5+1. shhh there are no rules here. Mess by Noah Kahan.

I'll feed the dogs and I'll put all my pieces back together where they belong, and I'll say: "I'm a mess, I'm a mess, oh God, I'm a mess"

Just. yeah. Again. It me.

& I’ll tag @homerforsure @kananjarus @thekristen999 @littlespoonevan @lovebuck @shortsighted-owl @henswilsons @hattalove @hopeintheashes and @renecdote <33

#if music be the food of love play on

[liu-lang]

day 3 & 4 - day 3 I rmbr’d to wake up for sahur but I didn’t take my day time allergy pill…I checked the weather and thought it was only drizzling but I went out around 14h and it was full on raining and I started to have an allergic rxn (felt like cold urticaria ?) The telltale sign is that it always starts on my legs and it ramps up very quickly to intense itching that makes my legs feel uncomfortably warm and welts will develop….so I had to break my fast in the middle of the sidewalk and take a pill 😞

day 4 I managed to fast the whole day but I was veryyyy sleepy ; I’m still trying to find anxiety drugs that work for me. Starting in Jan, at the recommendation of my oncologist, I got off SSRIs, worked with my psychiatrist to try Lamotrigine for a month (we had weekly appts) but in the end had to stop bc side effects that were typical for just starting the meds persisted and worsened when we increased the dose and she was concerned about Stevens–Johnson syndrome being triggered (would not recommend googling as there’s images of severe skin lesions). After the Lamotrigine failure my PCP recommended off-label use of Hydroxyzine for my anxiety. I’m only taking it as needed though at 5 mg once at night (back to pill cutting) bc it makes me super sleepy….which back to the start of this story, I was soooo sleepy on day 4 to the point of being unable to read on the train and almost missed my stop

anyway today is day 5 but I had my oncology appt today so I didn’t fast and after everything we tried for the last 2 months, today’s labs showed no improvement in the components of my CBC we were tracking so …I inevitably have to go the infusion route 🫠 time is a circle blah blah I cried so much ; they urgently wanted to start this week, as soon as Wednesday march 29, but I wanted more time to think and to try to have one more normal week so …the first one will be Friday …but now I réalised I double booked myself and I have to move my appt with my psychiatrist tt I usually have on Friday mornings …..at least I get to sit in Central Park after the infusion though and the weather will be nice …maybe I will see ppl walking their dogs in the morning too

#personal #nyc move #I guess Ramadan is over for me extra early this year

[some1s-sista]

I’m at my PT appointment SO early! I’ve gotta go over 4 bridges, island hopping to get here, and one is a draw bridge and there’s always a chance getting stuck while it’s open, but no, I flew straight threw. So here it is 9am. My appointment is at 10am, but because it’s my first appt here they said to come at 9:30. I’ve got a half hour to kill. But nothing is open yet, and if I go get a coffee, I’ll just have to pee!!!

Remind me to make my radiation appointments earlier!

[newhologram]

New's March 2023 hospitalization update (2 years after March 2021 hospitalization)

I'll try not to meander too much in this health update, but there is a lot to unpack, and some backstory to lay out first. (tldr will be at the end)

Recap: I have a lot of conditions but this is mostly about my ulcerative colitis (diagnosed 2011) and endometriosis (suspected/undiagnosed). Every 2-4 years I get a colonoscopy to check the disease progression because colon cancer also runs in my family. My colitis has always been considered "mild" and my colonoscopies generally don't look that bad despite me not taking colitis medication the past 12 years since dx. But I'm still having debilitating GI symptoms, especially in the past 2 years since I was hospitalized in 2021 for the worst flare-up of my life. While recovering, suddenly in June 2021, what I thought was a "spinal flare-up" increased my level of disability so much so that I can't really sit up for long now.

In 2022, while trying to get to the bottom of my "back pain" with another spinal MRI, I noticed that my left ovary was very obviously enlarged but that no one had marked it on the report.

In 2022 I had 129 appts which included many ultrasounds/CTs/MRIs and we learned many things: my ovary is in fact enlarged and likely full of blood, the lymph nodes around my colon are enlarged, and there's wall-thickening (lesion) on my colon. Even before the lesion was discovered my PCP was already pushing me to oncology because of my ovary, so I now do bloodwork every 3-4 months to check my blood for signs of cancer. This is important and I get why they're checking it, because my symptoms are also suspicious for lymphoma or leukemia, but I really don't think that's what's going on at all. Still, here I am with a cancer doctor who doesn't wear a mask at his appts when he has CHEMO PATIENTS IN THE OFFICE. Wtf.

While spending 2022 trying to access an endometriosis specialist, I've become more and more disabled. I'm at the point where I constantly have intense pelvic/back pain even when not on my period. I've had to go to the ER over it multiple times. I was only able to access a gynecological oncologist who "treats" endometriosis via full hysterectomy and ablation. She wanted to "burn" the endo lesions (not remove them, which would allow them to grow back in 4-6 mos), and completely remove my uterus and ovaries. I pointed out to her that neither of these things treat endo and her dumbass tried to argue the outdated reason why.

There are only a few hundred endo excision surgeons in the world who would be able to handle the kind of surgery I need, which will likely involve multiple of my organ systems if the endo has spread as much as suspected.

Moving forward, I knew I needed to get the lesion in my colon biopsied, so I also fought for a GI last year. Since then I've gone through 4 different GI docs because they're impossible to make appointments with. I even had a consult with one for my scope, but my insurance wasn't with his surgery center, so I couldn't do it.

RECAP OVER, PRESENTLY: My body has been going through it and I still needed that scope badly, so my PCP urged me to go to the ER and try to get admitted for scope again like I did back in 2021. This is what happens when insurance makes it impossible for us to access care: we have to force it at the ER.

I finally had the mental strength to do it, so I packed my bags and went on a Thursday morning.

I got to my usual hospital around 10:45am. To my surprise, they got me in really fast and the doctor I spoke to agreed that I needed to be admitted and scoped immediately. I didn't even have to fight for it for 12+ hrs withering away in an ER bed like last time. She saw my records, heard my story, and believed me. They did labwork and got me in quick for a CT scan which confirmed my ovary is still enlarged, but also that my kidneys are a little backed up (have known this) and my bladder wall is thickened. These all further point to endometriosis. At this stage, it's likely invading my ureters, bladder, and bowel, which is why I'd need such a specific kind of surgery to handle it.

Our first concern was a colonoscopy to biopsy the lesion first and rule out cancer, and possibly confirm endo since that would be obvious under the microscope. I knew it was going to be a rough time, with the liquid diet/prep/enema/etc, but I thought at least I'd be comfortable there with my own room to rest in like last time. I had packed everything I needed to stay sane. I thought maybe I'd be in the hospital 1-2 days max, since we knew exactly what needed to be done.

But it turns out my insurance is no longer contracted with my hospital, so they had to transfer me into the city, a 40 minute ambulance ride away. I waited 5 hours in the ER bed with no fluids, meds, or pain relief while they tried to get my transport ready. I really hated being strapped into the gurney, very uncomfortable. The paramedics were nice enough and helped to keep me distracted during the ride.

I was put in a room with 2 other patients, elderly women who shouted and aggressively prayed to Jesus while both their TV's blasted from 7pm to 5pm the next day. I didn't sleep because of the noise, but also becasue my first nurse sucked ass. She was so awkward and not understanding what I needed, and would only give me ketorolac for the pain and no morphine (bitch, why would I be hospitalized for you to give me the SAME MEDS I HAVE AT HOME THAT I JUST TOLD YOU BARELY HELP?)

In the morning, I had a much better day nurse who gave me morphine, fluids, and colitis meds (steroids, anti-inflammatory stuff). And both noisy patients got discharged by evening so I had a good solid couple of hours all by myself in the room. One of my new roomies ended up being pretty loud/oversimulating but still much better. I know we were all going through a lot and in pain but the shouting really freaks me out :(

I was also allowed to have a liquid diet at some point before that. I had gone a full 24hrs with no food or water because the whole point of this was to get scoped, but when I brought that up everyone acted confused and said it wasn't on my file or anything. I had been waiting for a GI consult the whole time, for a scope. Finally he came in and wouldn't listen to me, kept saying that my efforts at diet/supplements don't matter with colitis and that I just needed to be on meds/other immune suppressants. I had to interrupt him several times to get him to stfu and listen to what I was saying, that this is likely ENDO, not just colitis, but that I need this scope and biopsy done to rule out other things urgently. So he finally was like "ohhh, endometriosis would make a lot of sense" and agreed to scope me in the morning (Saturday).

So it became night 2 and I was started on the bowel prep. I didn't sleep, but thankfully had another good night nurse who kept my spirits up. Wouldn't be able to sleep much anyway since they were waking me every few hours for vitals, and at 4-5am to take more blood. My blood pressure and potassium kept both being low, which is a new thing for me.

Nurse came to bring my enema before sunrise and by 7:30 I was first in line in the scope surgery room. Weirdly probably the easiest colonoscopy I've ever had, I usually have a really rough time with the recovery. But I noticed when I woke up (and stopped rambling lol) that they had not only bundled me with blankets but put a tube of hot air under them with me. Because I had told them that I usually shiver really hard after being put under. I'm sure that helped me not feel like death after, I was so toasty. I also wasn't anxious beforehand. Usually the little pulse monitor is beeping so fast because I get so nervous, but honestly I think I was just super numbed out by that point.

Once I was coherent, the GI brought me a nice color print of my colon pics. And wouldn't you know it, my colon actually looks good, inflammation-wise. Still really minimal, a few visible ulcers here and there, but not terrible. Which means that every time a GI tells me "diet and supplements don't matter, you just need to be on meds/immune suppressants", they're full of shit. Clearly all of my hard work with smoothies, bone marrow, etc, works. If it didn't work, wouldn't my colitis be terrible after 12 years living with it, with almost no meds?

He saw no lesion (but still took plenty of biopsies), which means that the lesion is on the outside of my colon (hi, endo). He did show me another important piece of evidence: part of my colon is very visibly twisted, which makes so much sense. The pain, pressure, weeks-long constipation episodes, my decreasing ability to tolerate solids. The endo is likely scarring/gluing it into that position. More reason I need excision surgery, because they know how to restore the anatomy of the pelvic organs.

After the scope, I was feeling hopeful about getting home by that afternoon. But they wanted to do a CT scan to check my uterus again (even though I'd just had the same scan a few days ago). And because the radiology dpt was so backed up, I ended up being kept a whole extra day. Just because they wanted to know my results, which were "unremarkable" even though the one from a few days earlier noted all the other stuff I mentioned. I was pretty upset but just tried my best to stay distracted when I wasn't able to rest. Had a lot of sweats though, suddenly. Night nurse wouldn't give me my midnight morphine because of my low blood pressure, so I was pretty uncomfortable. Nurse also informed me that I have grade 2 hemorrhoids, which the GI failed to mention. KINDA IMPORTANT, DUDE. But makes sense, colon stuff, blah blah. Not really my main problem right now, though.

Finally got discharged in the late morning/early afternoon. Hardly remember the past day being home except for the epic 3 hour long bath routine I did lol.

The morning after, I went to pick up the colitis meds they'd been giving me only to find it's $174, so I didn't even get them. I make less than that in a day, and I'm barely working 3-5 days a month at this point. Sometimes a period of 3-6 weeks will go by where I can't/don't work. Also since the source of this pain is not the colitis, but the endo, why the hell am I gonna spend so much on medicine when I already see good results from bone marrow and everything else I do? I bet you if I didn't have endo, my colitis WOULD be as "mild" as every doctor says it is.

I'm glad I finally got all of that out of the way… but the truth of the matter is that I'm nowhere closer to getting the surgery I need I may now have a little more evidence pointing to endo, but none of that matters when I can't access the experts. The best endo surgeon in Los Angeles doesn't take insurance and just a consult with her is $1500+.

My only barriers are the American healthcare system and money. These two 100% fake made-up things are keeping me from living a better and longer life, and I'm expected to be positive through this all because "it could be worse" or whatever.

There is so much that makes me happy, that I'm so grateful for, that really makes it worthwhile for me to stay alive to experience. I'm genuinely still able to have fun, day to day. I make my own little bit of fun out of whatever I can. But I'm in so much pain. I've been disabled my entire adult life. I've never known anything else. I've been frozen here the entire time, just trying to make meaning and find happiness hidden underneath it all.

So what's next? There's nothing more to do, no other way to fight when it's just about money. The only thing in I can do right now is try as much as possible to eat stuff that won't clog my silly twisted part of the colon and cause more pain. I've already lost weight from this ordeal, but the bone marrow might help me get my calories in at least. I'm hopeful the testosterone therapy will reduce some of the endo inflammation, but the damage is done. Scarring like that requires surgery to fix. No amount of good diet, acupuncture, positive thinking can unglue my organs from each other.

I know this all could've been so much worse, but it was hard for me and making comparisons is useless. Thanks to everyone who messaged me, sent memes, etc. Kept me from losing my mind at the hospital. Now my pain level is back up and the medical PTSD is slapping, so I'm going to do my best to stay hunkered down this week.

TLDR;

Colitis patient, 12 years. Colonoscopy was a year past due, unidentified lesion in colon, family history of colon cancer. Suspected endometriosis. PCP told me to go to ER because it can't wait, worsening condition, weakness, pain.

ER did a CT: ovary cyst still there, and kidneys backing up/thickened bladder wall (more endo points). Got admitted but to a different hospital kind of far from home. Mostly a shit-show, very overstimulating and didn't get taken care of that great at first.

Got colonoscopy, colon is looking alright. Still "mild" colitis, which means my supplements/diet works and my GI docs are full of shit about meds being the only way (but you knew that.)

But: part of my colon is visibly twisted, possibly explaining a lot of my pain. This would be due to endo and the only treatment is surgery, which I can't access. Pointless to pay $174 for colitis meds when this pain is not my colitis, but endo messing with my colon/other pelvic organs.

Since I can't afford such an expensive surgery, there is nothing else for me to do in this fight.

Unless I get a windfall, all I can do is eat gentle and keep surviving this pain.

#endometriosis #ulcerative colitis #american healthcare system #spoonie #chronic illness #teku #personal

[haunted-house-heart]

vent incoming and its tmi about medical stuff

so. i talk a lot about my chronic pain from fibro and ehler's danlos and shit but truly the last two months have been the worst pain-wise of my life.

august was just. bad. the nerve and joint pain, my back specifially, were just so awful that i cancelled most of my appts bc i couldnt make it out of the house most days.

when september started i thought the bad flare up was easing, right? then BAM. september 9th hits and i start bleeding. keep in mind that my aug period was aug 20-25. and my periods have never been anything close to regular, but they dont start within two weeks of each other. in fact, for the last couple months, theyve been coming later and later each month. aug was over a week late compared to july.

but i started bleeding the 9th. mostly light but w clots and as always, severe cramping. this goes on til the 20th, when i start bleeding excessively heavy and the cramps become debilitating.

i'm already a little bit anemic on a good day.

for the whole month i've been so fatigued that i've barely gotten out of bed. i havent been out of bed for more than 3 to 4 hours at a time. just in so much pain and exhaustion that i literally only left my bed for food and bathroom.

i had to cancel the labs that are testing me for *cancer* because i physically could not get out of bed.

i'm so depressed. im awake most of the night bc between insomnia and me sleeping all day, i just cant sleep during the night. so the only time im awake is when everyone else is asleep. not that id be up for talking bc im still exhausted, but still. its so isolating.

i finally stopped bleeding today but the cramping has gotten even worse. i managed to stay up a little longer today before legit passing out.

on top of all this, i havent had dnd in a month. granted, i prolly wouldve ended up canceling most of them with how im feeling, but still. my one single social activity has been gone compeltely.

also. i'm going to be talking to my dr about getting me fitted for a wheelchair. walking is getting harder and harder for me and its just time. esp with everything thats been going on lately.

anyway. if it seems like ive been distant or weird or anything its uhhhh. i'm literally trapped in a hell of my body's own making.

#emery.exe #vent

[reincarnatedonthefirst]

The day is over. I had a semi successful appt with Derrick. My libido was low this time. Sex wasn’t as good for me.

Usually, I dab some “Art of the Root” oil on my wrists before appointments just so the appointment goes well. I didn’t have the oil with me this time. The oil doesn’t exactly make me horny but I believe it has power and my appointments almost always go well when I wear it! The ONE time I don’t wear it, the appointment seems to be kind of a bust. But, whatevs.

I actually left my ENTIRE makeup bag at home!!! 😑 I was panicking. I like to be perfect for my appointments, especially with Derrick (because I always want to impress him). My face dropped when I saw I left my makeup at home.

However, foundation isn’t very important for me because I don’t have many protrusions or scars to hide. My lashes and brows are the most important for me. Luckily, I keep a backup brow pen and pencil in the car. And I happened to have a sample size Marc Jacobs in the cosmetic bag I carry around daily (it’s always in there. I got the mascara at least 6 or 7 years ago. It’s hardly been used).

I’m going to keep a second back-up set of brow and lash makeup in the car for blunders just like this.

After I got my room situated at the hotel, I spent the next ten minutes ransacking nearby rooms for toilet paper, tissue boxes, face wipes, and travel lotions. Housekeeping had left open the doors of three nearby rooms so I stealthily went from room to room, removing the spare tissue rolls, taking out the tissue boxes, and swiping the lotions. The housekeeper also left her cart out in the hall and I made a few passes, swiping tissue boxes and toilet papers rolls off her cart.

My haul for today was 8 rolls of toilet paper, 3 tissues boxes, 4 lotions, and a tall stack of plastic and paper cups (this was including the supplies I took from my own room).

Look, when you are not bringing in money, you need to take whatever you can get so that you don’t have to spend money on essential household items. My haul today was so big that I had to carry it out in one of those Trader Joe’s reusable shopping totes.

Shiiiiiid. I walked out of that hotel feeling like a king.

AND I found $0.41 on the ground near my car in the parking lot!!! 😆😆😆

#me #clients #derrick

[ahdraftingco]

this update is for those who were curious what the iud insertion process is like and my personal experience with it!

summary: the insertion took 10min, I didn't feel more than a light pinch inside of me and it's been two days since then and I feel no pain besides a minor cramp (which would probably go away if I took ibuprofen but I haven't felt the need to take any)! so I highly recommend getting an iud if you're interested in long term birth control, it was really easy and I'll detail how I prepped for my appt and the procedure below ♡

so I did a lot of research ahead of time and I ended up picking the paraguard (copper) iud, which lasts up to 10 years and is the non-hormonal option! I chose it specifically because my periods are VERY regular and I didn't wanna mess with my hormones if I didn't absolutely need to! but the hormonal options are great too (and they might even eliminate your period altogether while the copper one has a chance of making your periods worse LOL so I can update on that if my period is significantly worse or not!)

so before I got to my appt, I took 800mg of ibuprofen about an hour and a half ahead of time at the recommendation of my pcp (if Tylenol works better for you, then you can take that instead!) and I think that helped a lot bc like I said, I didn't feel shit LOL

when I got to my appt (I came 30min early), they wanted me to give a urine sample (bc you CANNOT be pregnant when you get your iud inserted) and I have terrible performance anxiety so it took me an hour to pee LMAO this was the hardest part of the appt for me ironically and I actually didn't pee at all that morning to prep 😭 I'm just a shy bitch I guess but I thankfully managed to finally go and that's when my appt started officially

the first half of the appt for me was just discussing all the risks and benefits and the procedure itself so that I was fully aware of what I was getting myself into but the nurse practitioner was SO SWEET and she was so knowledgeable so I felt really comfortable and she even gave me a little heat pack which I put on my tummy the whole appt and she even helped me activate it bc I'm a weak little bitch 😂

here's how my procedure went (I'll try to keep the details not too TMI lol):

1. she performed a pelvic exam to check the orientation of my cervix (which is a quick process where she inserts two gloved fingers inside and then presses down on my lower stomach to check for pain, etc) and since I had a pap smear done earlier in the week and already dealt with this with my pcp, it was like whatever for me lol I didn't really care but I know some ppl would feel uncomfortable with a stranger's gloved touch (I had never met her before but you can always meet them ahead of time if that would make you feel better) so I wanted this part to be known

2. with some lube, my nurse prepped the speculum (which is the standard tool for holding the vagina open) and then inserted it. for me, I couldn't really feel it, it's kind of like a light pressure (if you have not stretched your hymen before, THIS WILL HURT at least it did for me when I did a pap before I ever had sex for the first time lol so I do not suggest getting an iud if you do not have some experience stretching yourself out with either a partner or a toy)

3. using the speculum, she took the time to clean my cervix to keep the process sterile (bc your cervix does have bacteria in it so just to ensure you won't get an infection, it's cleaned with swabs!) and it felt like a series of tickles inside so it wasn't bad at all and pretty quick lol

4. then when the cleaning was done, she looked for my cervix and then used a special tool to hold it still (bc the cervix can MOVE during the procedure so they hold it in place so your physician doesn't have to chase after it LOL) and for me, this was the pinch but it wasn't uncomfortable, I just didn't really think about it and talked to my nurse to distract myself

5. once the steadying tool was in place, my nurse used another tool to measure the length of my cervix to ensure that I did not have an abnormally short/long cervix because your options change based on that but it's rare (I had a completely normal cervix length so we were good to go!) and this was really quick like maybe a minute or two tops!

6. since I was given the go, she prepped the iud for insertion (it's just loaded into a thin tube) and then she popped it in and I didn't even know it happened until I felt the strings and then she cut the strings short so I didn't feel them anymore then she cleaned up a little inside of me then took the speculum out and we were done!

I did have some spotting (it was just like a light flow period day) so she gave me a pad and then I was good to go! The spotting stopped today, so around two days after and now I don't feel anything. I thought that was super strange but my body adjusted to the iud oddly well so I'm happy about that! I asked her about the level of protection and she said that the risk of pregnancy is so low (like 0.1% lol 1 out of 1000 ppl get pregnant). you aren't allowed to do anything with the vagina (like inserting anything inside, etc) for 24 hours but after that, you're allowed to have sex/play with toys without worry!

my nurse practitioner said that for the next 3-6 months, my periods might be irregular so I can totally update on that if anyone cares LMAO I have not had relations but I can also tell you how my partner feels as well since there is a chance that the strings of the iud can be felt so I'm delaying any sort of physicality until those strings have smoothened out a bit (the strings eventually curve away and will no longer be in the way) plus my period is coming in a week so perfect timing to chillax for a bit (I guess I'll just throw all my horniness into my writing 😌💅)

anyways, that's the whole spiel! if anyone has some questions, feel free to reply to this post or send in an ask, I'm happy to help anyone who is interested in safe sex practices ❤️

#ada's random ramblings