Tumgik
#i am [redacted] and [redacted]. anyway **** *** ***** ***** ARGH
aeide-thea · 4 months
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i feel like fairly regularly i make posts on here that are like 'huh, turns out that actually this Cut-For-Women garment i thought was fairly neutral and would be unremarkable makes me dysphoric!!' and then like. learn nothing from that realization and make an identical post about a different garment some months later—
like it's complicated because as a short king* i do frequently enjoy eg short shorts. are they masc? no. is my (inaccurate but gratifying) self-concept one of those, like, vintage dudes in short shorts when i wear them? yes, so it's fine. and there are some other things like that, where like, if i do the right mental gymnastics they can work for me (i started to specify but like. does anyone really care, lol. apply within in the unlikely event that you Must Know, i guess!).
however i think negative ease is like. more and more consistently a problem for me. like it just feels to me like such a vestige of womenswear training—
[here i'd originally typed out and then redacted a whole excursus on like, all the transmasc fashion blogs you used to see years ago where people would put together these legitimately masc outfits and then on the bottom they'd do these incredibly clingy skinny jeans, bc like, who am i to police that, maybe they were into the deliberate juxtaposition of it! but i did always wonder at the time whether it was just, like, a leftover womenswear habit they hadn't yet actively scrutinized, although probably it was unenlightened of me to be noticing it at all…]
—and the more i move away from that training, the more i find that things i've bought which don't have actively positive ease just strike me as, like, weirdly shrunken and constricting?? which is frustrating when they're things whose material, color, &c i otherwise still quite like!
anyway really this is a post abt how i currently have one (1) hoodie i like, and in theory it would be nice to have a second one both for more color combination possibilities and also because i hear you're like. supposed to take things off and wash them ever, even if merino is magic or whatever. however (a) there aren't any other interesting colors in that particular model, really, and the people who do make interesting colors (icebreaker) really want you to be taller than i am, especially for menswear; and (b) the whole problem is extremely irritating because i do have another older hoodie in a colorway i still quite like! there's nothing wrong with it except that stupidly i bought it too form-fitting at the time and now even though by womenswear standards it does in fact still 'fit' the way it clings through my shoulders/arms is making me insane!
in conclusion, grr, argh, &c.
⸻ * 'king' isn't really the right language for me but like. in a totally inexplicable turn of events (it's very explicable. we can do a whole sidebar on how binary gender is a pillar of the kyriarchy or whatever.) most noble titles i'm aware of are very binarily gendered. maybe we'll go with 'marquess' bc like. it's a man's title but also looks feminine by ordinary english standards and like. what am i if not the ruler of a border area.
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mihai-florescu · 6 months
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I have been trying to watch idolish7 (i've made it a bit into season 2, and I think perhaps we should hype momo even more) but I am terrified for the future of these kids/young adults. it's funny because I've fixated on entertainment industry stories for ages now, so a lot of this plot doesn't shock me, but the sense of vague doom is so!!! argh. anyway, your impact.
Yay!!! No i like that it doesnt just do things for the sake of being shocking. The impending sense of doom is so real, you should be around the time where momo lost his voice right? Or the mezzo drama regarding tamaki's *wait redacted i dont know where you are and what would qualify as a spoiler*. Either way. I love that everything comes back and the foreshadowing is at times subtle enough that you only catch it on a later rewatch. Anyway anyway please enjoy episode 10 of season 2. That's the point where i remember i went from enjoying idolish7 a lot to Oh. Ok im going to be obsessed with you.
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effyoudumbler · 4 months
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Notes written while I was going insane 4.09
I hate it
I hate it I hate it I hate it
AAAAAAAABut
Screaming gets me nowhere
Hmmm
I wish
I wish it wasnt raining
God never existed
Humans arent made to worship
But to sing, no?
We are far from God
Abberations
….
I do not understand
Anything
But its dark
And raining
I remember the rain
I remember the rain
And the cold
The deep
Deep
Cold
My very DNA, frosting
I dont remember why I am angry
Only why I am sad
Why I was never happy to begin with anyway
Errrt
Argh
Uuuuwwwhhh
Uuuwwwhhhhh
Why
Why was I even born
[redacted]
I wish I was a plant
[redacted]
Tainted blood
Damned
Doomed
To die
Argh
Why am I aware
I dont WANT LOVE
I DO NOT WANT TO BE STILL
TO BE WHAT I AM NOT
TO BE WHAT I AM NOT
A HUMAN IS NOT MEANT TO BE STILL
[redacted]
EVEN THOUGH
WE MUST SUFFER AND DIE
[redacted]
WHY GOD
DID YOU MAKE MAN IN THIS WAY
AN ANIMAL BEYOND CURSED
WHY DID YOU CREATE
SOMETHING SO CURSED
WHY GOD WHY
WHY IS IT SO
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY 
WHYYYYYYYYYYY
WHY
WHY
WHY
THERE IS NO GOD
NO GOD WORTHY OF OUR WORSHIP
NO LOVE WORTH STRIVING FOR
ALL LOVE IS DEVOID OF HOPE
A FRUITLESS VENTURE
[redacted]
IN ALL MY STUDY
[redacted]
EVERY TIME
AND I AM A HUMAN
[redacted]
I AVOID DEATH
THAT IS MY FATE
MY DEATH
THAT IS WHAT I AM
THAT IS
WHAT I
I
AM
[redacted]
NOT TO LOVE
BLOOD IS TOO CURSED A CREATION
TO    EVER   TRULY   LOVE!!!!
….
Blood is too cursed a creation
To ever truly love
Why God
Why did you make us
As fodder, food for a bigger thing
Why
Please
If Love is real
If Love is really real
I just want to know why
Why are we here
Why are we built, cursed from the start
What AM I
WHAT AM I
WHAT AM I
WHAT
WHAT WHAT AM I
GOD
PLEASE
TELL ME
SOMETHING
SOMEONE
ANYONE
ANYTHING
WHAT EVEN AM I
WHAT EVEN ARE WE
WHY
I CANNOT SEE THIS
IT IS TOO MURKY
Why
[redacted]
I HATE IT
I HATE IT ALL
[redacted]
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[redacted]
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branchofcinnamon · 3 years
Note
💘🔪🍓🌈🦄
Ty for the asks! I kinda wrote a lot so i put it under a cut ^^’’
💘- 3 ways to win your heart?
1. liking the same obscure stuff as me lmao 
2. idk just talking to me. im shy irl and online so im rly bad at making conversation/initiating conversation 
3. being nice? idk lol. i can’t stand rude ppl. even when my irl friends are rude about my interests im kinda just >:( it’s a wonder im still on this site... 
🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?
this isn’t the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me but i guess i’ll tell this story. i’d never told anyone this before (that sounds so dramatic lol) SO. 
There was a convention i was at in 2013, i was around 17. On the last day of the con i had to take a shuttle from the hotel to the convention center. I had to take the shuttle alone so i was really nervous because 1. im awful with directions so i was scared i was gonna get lost. and 2. the fact that i was alone. I remember clutching my backpack like it was my lifeline. There was a guy on the bus next to me in a Doctor Horrible cosplay... I don’t remember who talked to who first, it was probably me pointing out who he’s dressed as. You probably know where this is going but we were talking and i don’t remember what he said but i remember feeling uncomfortable. I think he started singing for some reason? Singing a doctor horrible song. Like idk dude i dont wanna rain on anyone's parade but twice its happened where dudes have randomly sang to me at a con and i just feel uncomfortable when ppl do that. Part of it is probably the embarrassment/the attention. But anyway! That’s not really the “bad” part. 
We got off the bus and went to the convention center. He.. was following me around like we were friends. Of course I didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t say anything. So it was whatever i just walked around with him and figured he’d leave eventually. THEN. As we were walking he asked me if he could put his arm around me?! (At least he asked? right? (sarcasm)) So. I am so glad in that moment i didn’t give into my nature to say “yes” to everyone and i flat out told him no. He was like “oh so you don’t want me to mess up your cosplay right?” I awkwardly laughed like “Yep... my cosplay...” Then I told him i have to meet up with a friend and i left. 
Phew... sorry that was long lol. So yeah I know not a big deal compared to other girls experiences but it sure freaked me the heck out :/ 
🍓- one secret about yourself 
uhhh... when i was like 12 or something i had a self-insert/OC “fanfiction/story?” that were about friends in a rock band and I used pictures of generic anime girls to represent the characters. I also used pics of haruhi suzumiya to be the “villian” in the story (had no idea who she was or what the anime was i just found the pics on google lol) i cringe whenever i see haruhi suzumiya now. i remember there was a part of the story where *I* was pushed into a big hole by whatever-i-named-haruhi-suzumiya-girl and i had to go to the hospital. *Insert that spongebob inhale meme* Also “me” and the characters that were my friends all had boyfriends with the same hair color as each of us. because oF cOuRsE. 
I posted this on the website Kupika. which is like. hmm.... bad. 4chan vibes? idk. i just searched it and i am sHOCKED its still active.
The THINGS we REMEMBER hUH? 
🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys
🤔... oh! freckles! lmao legit... i think freckles are v cute. (i was sitting here trying to think of something lol) 
🦄- how do you perceive yourself?
...uh... not great tbh lol. I’m in my 20s [exact age redacted] and im still not confident enough to drive by myself, im taking college classes AGAIN even though i do have a BA degree but i ended up hating the thing i majored in so i am BACK IN SCHOOL. and i dont know if its cuz of zoom school or the content but i DONT LOVE IT. and ARGH. what am i gonna do with my life? pathetic. deep down i know i want to be a writer but i dont have the brain cells to put together a whole book rn. 
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glamrockmonarch · 5 years
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Max and Friends Presents
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Max's voice: "Today, for the first time ever, Fred and Harry May dive into the scary world of social media with me to read what you have to say about us. It will be long, it will get awkward, but most importantly...it will be thirsty."
"Reading thirsty tweets with Freddie and Harry May (part 1)"
"Hello guys, this is Harry May," Max points to his right and smiles as Harry waves at the camera. "And this is Freddie May."
Freddie nods at the camera and winks.
"And we're going to read your thirsty tweets. What do you expect from this, guys?"
Freddie rubs his hands together eagerly, responding by just doing so with a smile on his face.
"I am a bit scared, I've seen some thirst under my dad's posts on Instagram so I don't know how far will people go..."
"Alright, at least one of you..." Max hits the table with his palms, "is in for a treat! In front of us we have these little bowls, each of us has some thirsty tweets to get through, Freddie? Do you wanna start?"
"Uh, I'm excited!" He wiggles his brows. "First one... And it says:"
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Freddie nods and shows the paper to the boys and then the camera.
"I love this picture, actually. Had it not been for it, I probably wouldn't have gotten the part in Sex Education...anyway!" He puts his elbow on the table and points at the lens. "You're welcome!"
Cut to Harry picking out a piece of paper with a worried toothy smile.
"Argh! I really don't want it to be strange!"
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"Yes!" Harry chuckles and looks at Max, who's smiling, "watching bacteria under a microscope is considered unprintable once you do it past midnight."
"Now they know who the nerdy twin is..." Freddie lays his chin on his hand as he leans on the table, smiling and shrugging. "Go on Max."
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"It's called 'good taste', and yes. It is genetic."
Freddie snorts and reaches into his bowl for another piece of paper.
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"Why would I do that when I can stick it down your-"
Max covers Freddie's mouth to stop him from talking while Harry throws his head back in laughter yelling "REDACTED! REDACTED!"
Next cut is Harry reading something and squinting as he looks at Max sitting next to him.
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"I don't know... feels like Ben Hardy would murder you with his thighs of doom." Harry leans forward on the table to get a good view of both his friend and his brother.
"How is that a bad thing?" Fred replies and turns to look at Harry in utter confusion. "I know you're straight but even you must know Ben Hardy is an angel exuding sex and diamonds feels."
Max sitting in the middle stretches out his neck looking like a meerkat and whispers.
"Sex and diamonds feels."
Cut to Max reading another tweet with a smile on his face.
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"I can't possibly do that...unless I lick the honey off you, and you sing Mary had a little lamb?"
"Honey is super difficult to lick off though." Harry leans back on his chair and rubs his chin.
Freddie and Max turn to him in shock.
"How'd you know that?" Fred looks impressed, pale even. "ROBERT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!"
"The answer to that is redacted, sorry." Harry goes to read another one.
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"Gia... I would love to hug you, stay in school." Harry smiles. "That was sweet actually."
"It was, yeah." Max smiles.
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"You're excused!"
Cut to Max picking out a piece of paper from his bowl and laughing. Cut again to him calling out for Jazz. A moment later Jazz is heard off camera. "What are you doing?" She comes in and cut again she is sitting between Max and Freddie.
"Do I read it?" They all nod and encourage her to open the folded piece of paper. "What is it? Is it a joke?"
"No, no, no! Thirsty tweets, Jazz." Max explains.
Part 2 / Part 3
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allthegodstars · 5 years
Text
Sapphire Flames Snippets
Little Snippet:
The Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences occupied a nine-story building on Old Spanish Trail. Its blocky lines, rectangular windows, and orange brick practically screamed that it housed some sort of government agency. 
I maneuvered our Honda Element into the parking lot. It used to be our surveillance vehicle, but last year Grandma Frida decided to rebuild it from wheels up.  Now the Element sported a new engine, a reinforced suspension, and custom dampers for enhanced shock absorption. The windows were bulletproof, and the new glass had both the safety glazing and a polycarbonate layer on the inside, so if someone did shoot at us, the windows would crack but hold together. And most importantly, the Element was now equipped with B5 level armor, which meant it would stop most handguns and shotgun blasts.  It could have been armored enough to withstand a sniper shot; however, Grandma Frida reasoned that our best chance of survival was getting away fast, and armor was heavy, so she stopped at B5 and added a reinforced floor and run-flat tires. 
Unfortunately, even Grandma Frida had her limits, and steering was a bit sluggish.  I was used to it by now and I aimed for a parking spot in the middle row.
“So, what’s with you and Alessandro Sagredo?”  Runa asked.
The steering was sluggish, but the brakes worked perfectly.  I jerked forward, and my seat belt slammed me back.
“Nothing.”
“Aha.”  Runa pulled on her own seat belt.  “That’s why we screeched to a stop halfway into the parking space?”
“My foot slipped.”  I gently eased forward and brought the Element to a smooth stop.
Last night, after Bern carried Rutger into the guest bedroom and Runa settled in on inflatable mattress next to him, I went back to my office, rescued Alessandro’s picture from my desk drawer, and brought it upstairs to my bedroom. He looked so carefree, caught in a magic moment somewhere sunny and warm.  When I looked at the picture, a disquieting, unpleasant feeling squeezed my chest, not pain exactly, but a kind of discomfort. I stood in my bedroom and wished with everything I had that I was there, in the sun, with a backdrop of green mountains and Alessandro and I were going somewhere.  Together.
It was stupid, and childish, and it would never be.  I hid it all inside, put the picture on my nightstand, and went to bed.
“So, you’re just going to go with ‘nothing?’” Runa asked.
“That’s right.”
“Your sister said you met during your trials.”
Sistercide was not a word, but it would be after today. “Yes.”
“Yes what?  Is there a story behind that?”
No. He didn’t follow me on Instagram, and he didn’t take my breath away during the trials.  And he definitely didn’t show up under my window after trying to convince me to go for a drive.  
 “We met during the trials, and my sisters haven’t stopped trolling me about it for the last three years.  There is absolutely nothing between me and Alessandro Sagredo.”
Strictly speaking, there was 5,561 miles between our warehouse and the Sagredo estate near Venice, Italy.  A commercial flight with one stop could get me to Venice in thirteen hours. 
“Your cheeks are turning pink,” Runa said.  “Are you imagining there being nothing between you and Alessandro?”
***
On Rants, Well Deserved Nature Of:
As I’ve pointed out four times now, this entire incident has been recorded by security cameras. The footage will show that Ms. Etterson and I were attacked without provocation and we defended ourselves as is our right under Article 3 paragraph 1 through 4 of the House Protection Act.”
“Is that so?” Sgt. Munoz’s eyebrows crept up a quarter of an inch.
“You have no cause to detain either me or Runa Etterson.  We have cooperated, and we have given our statements.”
“Ms. Baylor.”  He frowned.  “You wouldn’t happen to have an older sister, would you?”
That was just too much. “When Nevada encountered you, she was under a great deal of stress trying to keep us alive and save Houston.  She didn’t have a chance to note that every time there was an incident requiring a law enforcement response, you mysteriously appeared on the scene.  But I did.”
He watched me, impassive.   I kept going.
“You are attached to the House Response Unit of Houston PD, tasked specifically with handling incidents involving Houses.  Every member of this unit is assigned a number of families, in which he becomes expert. So, you know perfectly well that I have an older sister and that she is currently out of the country.  You know the names of every person in our family, their birth dates, and their magic. You probably know the exact nature of my powers, despite the fact that my records are sealed.  You are here because my last name popped up in your system. So please don’t insult my intelligence.”
***
When English Language Is Just Not Enough:
Warning: hilariously odd bad language ahead. Poor Catalina.
Bug served as Rogan’s surveillance specialist. Magically altered, he processed visual information at an astonishing rate. If anybody could find [Redacted], Bug could. He was also fanatically loyal to Rogan.
The moment we involved Bug, Rogan would know every detail of what we asked and why. Then Nevada would know, and, considering the usual colorful way Bug made his reports, there was a strong possibility that she would freak out. Bug found the vast array of curses available to an average English speaker completely inadequate and used every opportunity to add his own, which often amounted to a random collection of expletives that left you befuddled. I could just imagine the way that report would go.
“Hey, so you’ll never believe this dick fart thing: they want me to find [Redacted]. Isn’t that just pork balls? The gnome molester apparently stabbed somebody. Whore dimwit shit brain dungarees!”
***
A Simple Menu:
Since it was my turn to cook breakfast anyway, I headed to the kitchen.  Cooking was basically my and Mom’s job.  When Nevada lived with us, she was too busy keeping us fed and clothed. Bern and Leon usually made meat, preferably, steak, and they served it charred on top and raw in the middle. Grandma Frida came from the generation when things weren’t cooked unless they were slightly burned, and my younger sister, who was actually a decent cook, when she had to be, couldn’t be trusted to stay in the kitchen for the duration of the cooking process.  She’d start something and then end up outside texting to her friends or in the media room laughing at some show, while we raced to save the meal. 
I decided on a simple menu. I put two packs of bacon into two baking pans and popped them in the oven, mixed the batter for the blueberry pancakes, and called Nevada while chopping mushrooms for the egg, mushroom, and cheese scramble.
***
Just You Wait:
My cell rang. An unlisted number. Oh good. Ten to one, somebody wanted to sell me super-special medical insurance or inform me that the IRS was about to arrest me unless I dropped everything and bought an armful of gift cards at Wal-Mart.
I answered it. “What is it?”
“You’re tracking me,” Alessandro said.
Runa’s eyes went big.
“I am not tracking you,” I told him. Technically, it wasn’t even a lie.
“You’re having me tracked. I understand that I’m irresistible. It’s a cross I bear. But do try to have some self-control, Catalina. I’m embarrassed for you.”
He… Argh. “As I recall, I never had a problem resisting you.”
“I thought we agreed that you would drop this.”
“I didn’t agree to anything.”
“Catalina, listen to me. This is serious, the people involved are dangerous, and your well-being is important to me.”
Since when? “Why don’t you tell me more about it? Maybe if I fully understand the danger, I’ll stay out of it.”
“No, you won’t. You have no sense.”
“I have all kinds of sense.”
“This is your last warning, Catalina.”
“Or what?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to find out.”
He hung up.
“I have all kinds of sense?” Runa quoted.
“I was too mad to think of a snappy comeback.”
I glared at the phone. Insufferable ass. When I got my hands on him, I would pry his mind open like a tin can.  And then I would make him do a little dance, record it, and play it for him on a loop after I drained my magic off. Irresistible. I’ll show you irresistible. Just you wait.
***
A Pithivier:
Steps sounded behind me. I turned. Runa caught up with us. “Matilda said you would be out here. That child is odd.”
More like unsettling, until you got to know her. “She’s an animal mage. They are unique. Did something bad happen?”
“You mean in addition to everything else?  No.”
We both watched Shadow sniffing at cracks in the asphalt.
 “Whatever is cooking in the kitchen smells amazing.  What are we having?”
“Lemon roasted chicken with rosemary baked potatoes, chive butter, kale and brussels sprout salad with tahini maple dressing, and an apple pithivier.”
Runa gave me a long look.
“I cook when I’m stressed out. It sounds more complicated than it is. In reality, it’s mostly season things, dump them in a baking pan, and stick them in the oven.”
“What’s a P.T.V.A.?”
“It’s a French pie-cake made with puff pastry.  The traditional version uses rum and almonds, but nobody likes rum, so I make mine with apples.”
***
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bkwrm523 · 6 years
Text
I know I don’t like to prewrite, but I do occasionally get stuck enough to need to write an outline.  And some of you guys may not have been following me long enough to know how weird my outlines get.  I’m not telling you what fic this is for, or anything about it.  Parts of the outline have been redacted to avoid plot spoilers.  Just in case anyone’s curious.
Okay
I hate outlines
I know that’s not helpful
I just wanted to get that out of the way first
Anyway
So, they’re [redacted]
I’d also like to say how disappointed I am that my working title isn’t a pun based off of that.
I mean, the working title is funny, and it works, but still.  There has to be something stupid involving that word that I can call it
Argh
So they wake up back on the Enterprise.  Separate?  On the Next Gen ep I’m basing this off, the two characters in question wake up on opposite parts of the ship.
Then again, since they “beamed back” isn’t it more logical for them to be passed out on the transporter pad?
Things That Need To Happen
Leonard demanding to see [redacted]
Jim holding it together
The [redacted] exploding
Len yelling at people
Len’s voice cracking
Emotions
Len retreats to Y/n’s room
This turns out to be a bad idea
Len retreats to HIS room to cry.
Jim retreating to his room for Feels
Spock quietly deciding to take over the investigation
Because Len and Jim aren’t in too good a shape
Spock assuming nothing because he’s a scientist
Spock examining the [redacted]
Spock has Scotty taking apart the Thingies.
Scotty cussing at machines in gaelic
Because I can
I’m the writer, that’s why
Ummm
Jim and Anna having A Moment in his room because he’s devastated and she feels awful that she can’t…. Erg I’m posting this outline.  Spoilers.  I know what I mean.
Y/n and Len having A Moment in his room
Y/n gets to work following Scotty around.
Y/n and Anna figure out exactly what happened.
Scotty detects [redacted]
Scotty uses [redacted]
Shush, I know what I mean
The [redacted] have an effect on Y/n and Anna
Y/n and Anna hear about the Event planned and come up with A Plan.
Event happens.  Plan happens.
Fluff.  And probably smut, because it’s me.
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