#i am CERTAIN i have made a text post in this vein before but i dont care to look it up and also i will say it 1000 times

[blubberquark]

AI Art For Procedural Generation in 2022

Can you make a roguelike with GPT-3?

I find the discussion about "AI art" incredibly annoying. People talk past each other about an ill-defined concept. They put forth impassioned but bad arguments for what should in my view have been the null hypothesis. Trolls use this opportunity to pick fights with furries and insult artists with MFA degrees. It's just bait.

Many arguments are too general, they prove too much: If you think that all copyright is fake and you'd rather live in a world where Tesla can ignore the GPL but you can use Disney characters, then come out and say so. Don't talk about whether something currently is "fair use" or legal if you are making a moral argument (about what should be legal), or vice versa. If you say that people should not "waste" their time painting pictures or writing novels and painting should only ever be a hobby and not a career, I don't think it's worth responding to. If you think that Midjourney "learns to paint just like a human artist", then don't say anything.

I know I risk attracting trolls by even touching this topic, and a lot of this is so stupid because it happens on twitter, not because of the subject matter, but I think I can offer a unique perspective and conclusively answer at least one particular question: Should text-to-image AI art and neural network text generation as it exists today be used for procedural generation in computer games?

No. It shouldn't. It can, but it shouldn't. It can be used, but then you'd just do it so you can write "made with state of the art AI generation" on the back of the box.

The term "AI Art"

I am using "AI Art" to refer to text-to-image systems such as Stable Diffusion, Dall-E 2, Midjourney, and so on. I think "AI Art" is a misnomer, and there should be a different term that refers to the thing "AI Art" refers to, such as "language model combined with reverse image recognition" or "transformer+GAN based statistical learning" or "text prompt based big data image generation".

It's easy to define what "AI Art" is not. "AI Art" is not backed by AGI, not backed by symbols, does not use taxonomies or ontologies. Those systems are based on neat ideas, but the products we see are often scruffy and full of hacks and special cases to guarantee certain results.

Game AI

In a similar vein, "Game AI" is a misnomer. Most "AI" needed in games is just simple state machines and A*. Occasionally you see something like STRIPS, e.g. HTN or GOAP, or very simple reinforcement learning, or pre-trained neural networks.

But games do not need to be intelligent. Game design can be intelligent, and then the intelligent stuff is hard-coded. NPCs don't need to be smart and unpredictable, they need to be well-written, or balanced, or predictable enough for the player to know how to protect them during escort missions.

AI opponents don't need to be smarter than the player. They should be just smart enough to post a challenge, but that challenge can also be created by giving the opponent more resources.

AI techniques in games are used to fill in the blanks in player input through unit pathing and similar systems, but those are usually not called "Game AI".

(I said this all before, so I am not going into more detail)

Procedural Generation

Procedural content generation at run-time - PCG for short - is used in games to make every run, every match, or every play session unique. If you are a game developer deciding whether to use procedural generation, you are acutely aware of the trade-offs that can be made here, and why you would or wouldn't do PCG. If the game is meant to be played only once, you can generate content procedurally, but there is no need to do so at runtime. You could generate some candidates, choose the best one, tweak it, and ship it with the game. Procedural generation allows the game world to extend infinitely in all directions. But does it need to? The boundaries between "randomised" and "procedurally generated" are vague and fuzzy.

Most procedural content generation is just simple combinatorial picking: "Red Mace (+3) of Valor" could be a weapon by picking a colour, noun, and suffix, plus a damage modifier appropriate to the part of the dungeon the player is in, plus some kind of final check to make sure nothing too game-breaking is generated.

Most procedural generation in games is not based on general-purpose AI, but instead uses purpose-built algorithms that are inspired by AI techniques, or employ some kind of AI technique or algorithm as one pass of a multi-step process: To design a level, you could generate rooms, connect rooms, check room connectivity (the AI step), place furniture, place monsters, place loot, and so on. There is no need to throw all your level design constraints into a discrete solver, it suffices if you use a much more specific generation algorithm, or even an ad-hoc process that may or may not satisfy those constraints, with a check in the end.

Most procedural generation in games has tweakable input parameters.

The reason for all this is that PCG is there to surprise the player, to provide variety within tight constraints, to make different runs or playthroughs of different players unique, but not so unique that it becomes a different game every time. Procedural content generation uses building blocks that were carefully designed, and puts them together according to rules the player doesn't know, but he recognises that the output follows familiar patterns. PCG creates slightly novel or merely randomised situations that are clearly legible to players. PCG creates parameterised content that fits into existing game mechanics and systems. Prompt-based systems using deep neural networks are not as good at generating pieces that fit into systems as GOFAI-inspired systems and scruffy, ad-hoc hand-written generators.

Output

Games usually can't work with raw text, whether generated by GPT-3 or scraped from the web. They can't work with unlabelled images, whether generated by Midjourney, Creative Commons search, or returned by a Bing Images query (Google don't even let you use their image search through an API) .

AI art generators don't output rigged 3D models, and they usually don't output the same character from different angles, in different light, or making different expressions. They output multiple candidate images. Those images need to be assessed and filtered.

Text generators might output a quest when prompted to. That blob of text is useless to game systems. What kind of action is needed to complete the quest? These parameters need to be parsed out of the text.

Would you have to ask GPT-3 questions about the thing it just generated in order to use it in your game?

Input

How do you prompt these things? How do you prompt for a dwarf character, an elf character, and a human in the same art style? How do you prompt for a level, for a floor plan, for a book? Do you have to input all background knowledge and lore every time?

Do you generate text and feed the generated text into the image prompt? If you have quests and items, do you verbalise game systems? Do you need to mark special game constructs as important so they appear in the output?

If you generate images from images, can you verbally ask the AI to adhere to certain animation constraints?

Adaptability

Procedural generation systems usually have many dials you can fiddle with, parameters that are easily adaptable. In dungeon generation, I can think of the size of a room, the length of a corridor, the backtracking behaviour, the chance to spawn a set piece. All those can be tuned to the gameplay mechanics, and gameplay parameters like drop rates and monster spawn chances can in turn be tuned to level geometry.

Maybe your game can generate a room that looks like a trap, or it can show you a sleeping ogre with an unknown treasure chest in a side room, and a main path with some traps and puzzles. The game would know to put a (+1) sword in the main path, and a (+3) sword in the ogre challenge room.

I don't know how to do that with language models, text-to-text or text-to-image. Maybe I could have a long paragraph of exposition about game difficulty when I talk to GPT-3.

Randomness

How would you inject randomness into the generation process? Sure, you could just rely on the internal state of the neural network being slightly different each time. That might risk generating three samey outputs and one wacky one.

How can we generate interesting ideas? How can we generate Captain Chihuahua, a pirate dog with a coffee mug for a hand?

One way would be to randomise the prompt, to generate a prompt from a grammar, so we have a ninja horse, a cowboy chicken, and a pirate Chihuahua. Generating those via GPT-3 and then feeding them into image generation might prove difficult, but using a grammar limits your options and defeats the purpose of "advanced AI".

You could of course reach into the network (well, if you have it running on your local machine and understand how it works), and access a compressed distributed representation, latent space, sparse autoencoder, whatever non-linear thing that looks like principal components except non-linear and makes for impressive grant proposals. Then you take the vector for "chihuahua" and go from there into a direction in latent space where no training example had gone before, to generate an eldritch lizard Chihuahua. Then you feed that vector into your language model and hope you get a sensible string of text to refer to that thing.

You could generate a random visual style

With regular PCG, you can put a random texture on a random animal, resulting in a dog with scales that walks like a chicken. Imagine you could generate the eldritch lizard Chihuahua with AI: Would that make for better gameplay?

Bowls of Oatmeal

It should be easy enough to use Dall-E or Midjourney or Stable Diffusion to generate grass textures. I can even imagine a procedurally generated art gallery based on procedurally generated prompts, a procedurally generated family tree based on procedurally generated family members, or a procedurally generated library full of books written by GPT-3. None of those examples really interact with the mechanics of the game, but they fit perfectly.

I could also imagine a game where character portraits are generated according to exact specifications, but nobody notices that the game is randomised. The problem is not just that it all looks the same, but that it doesn't add anything.

Making it Work

I am sure some enterprising game devs will make it work in the near future. They may generate a library of books, or a city of NPCs with unique faces, or a visual novel where all the visual parts are generated from text.

I am also sure somebody will build an "AI art" system that generates fully rigged 3D characters or 2D characters with alternative facial expressions based on just a text prompt. It's only a matter of hooking up already-existing systems, and feeding in lots of training data.

Heck, I myself could build a procedural animation system that uses neural networks, character traits, and emotional states to procedurally generate body language. It wouldn't be cheap or easy, as I might have to pay actors to act out scenes in mocap suits, or pay click workers to annotate body language and posture in random movie clips, but it could be done. But I could already have done that ten years ago. Machine learning where you have a funtion with inputs and outputs and you train the machine to approximate the function based on examples - that's not new! The whole point of language models and text-to-image prompt-based generation is two-fold: You can use a lot of unlabelled data to train your big model. You even don't use any labels or input-output pairs to use the model. To train a neural network, I say f(po-tay-toe)=po-tah-toe, f(eeh-ther)=aye-ther. In the world of GPT-3, you say to-may-toe and the AI figures out the rest.

I could also imagine, like I said in the preceding paragraphs, generating text prompts from a grammar (but why not just generate the text then), parsing generated text and doing image segmentation (but why not parse a text or scan an image from a corpus), or doing some funky vector space structure stuff (I know the mathematical terminology, but I am deliberately being vague here, because it doesn't matter to this argument which type of embedding or representation or encoder we would use). But all that would just use machine learning to do things I can do without machine learning, in a more complicated way, to put them into a world that is based on gameplay code that has more in common with old-fashioned AI more than with modern machine learning systems.

Uses for AI art

So we can't really use AI art for procedural generation. That doesn't mean AI art can't be used at all. It can obviously be used to generate characters, props, and environment art with a human in the loop. If you want to one-shot generate a pirate Chihuahua with a coffee mug for a hand, and you can't draw well enough to do your idea justice, then AI art is a way to get there. You could use any of the dozens of image generation systems to make characters and backgrounds and then manually rig them, select what fits into your style, make sure the characters don't all have the same face, and refine your prompts so you can generate everything in the same style.

But what you absolutely cannot do is let a computer decide whether a Chihuahua would wear pants on two legs or on four, or if instead maybe the coffee mug is carried around the neck of his first mate, who happens to be a St. Bernard.

#AI art #procedural generation #game design #artifical intelligence

[erabundus]

@vitreousmortis &&. said... I have stumbled upon your account on Tumblr for as long as I could remember and reading your works truly amaze me. I was hoping to ask if it is alright for me to inquire a bit of your time and ask for some writing advice? Thank you very much!

thank  YOU  so  much,  honestly?  i'm  really  happy  you  enjoy  what  i  post  here  —  i  can't  overstate  how  flattered i am to hear that!  i  love  having  the  opportunity  to  meet  so  many  cool  writers  who  share  a  passion  for  this  niche  little  hobby,  and  i  also  love  knowing  there's  people  out  there  who  genuinely  enjoy  the  stories  we  create  together.  i  just  think  it's  neat  knowing  something  that  makes  you  happy  also  makes  someone  else  happy.  that's  probably  why  i  prefer  roleplay  to  writing  fanfiction  —  i  have  a  lot  of  fun  with  the  interactive  /  collaborative  element.

my  babbling  aside ...  as  far  as  writing  advice  goes,  i  think  the  most  important  part  is  probably  having  the  voice  of  your  character  down  —  and  everything  else  will  sort  of  fall  into  place.  i've  always  been  deeply  fascinated  with  speech  patterns,  vocabulary,  etc  —  i  feel  like  it  really  helps  give  you  a  lot  of  insight  into  how  a  particular  muse  ticks.  i  like  to  read  over  canon  dialogue  often,  and  sometimes  i'll  compare  it  to  my  own  writing  just  to  make  sure  i'm  staying  on  track.  (  i  think  at  this  point  i  could  probably  recite  wanderer's  voice  lines  from  memory.  )  sometimes  i  also  take  it  a  step  further  and  try  to  weave  that  tone  into  the  narration  as  well.  a  lot  of  my  posts  on  this  account  are  rife  with  metaphor  and  a  somewhat  antiquated  vocabulary  and  tend  to  veer  more  towards  the  pessimistic  /  cynical  side  of  things  —  that's  because  it's  all  supposed  to  be  from  ren's  perspective, and that's just how he thinks.  i've  written  other  muses  before  that  are  considerably  less  grim  and  adjusted  how  i  write  accordingly.

on  a  more  technical  note!  another  way  to  make  your  writing  flow  better  is  to  shake  up  your  word  choice  —  avoid  redundancy  like  the  plague.  "the  glass  door  was  made  of  clear  glass,"  sounds  clunky!  i  try  to  reread  everything  at  least  once  before  i  post  it  just  to  make  sure  i  don't  keep  using  the  same  phrases  over  and  over  again.  if  i'm  describing  a  forest,  i  don't  want  to  use  "green"  every  sentence.  if  you're  really  stuck  on  a  particular  word, try googling  synonyms!  rearrange  things  a  little  —  look  over  what  you  have  and  think  about  how  it  flows.  writing  has  a  certain cadence  to  it  the  same  as  speech  does;  that's  why  people  often  recommend  you  recite  what  you've  written  out  loud.  

in  a  similar  vein,  i  also  like  to  break  up  dialogue.  having  a  muse  blurt  out  a  whole  paragraph  of  text  can  be  a  chore  to  read  through.  even  if  it's  a  very  speech-heavy  scene,  there's  still  ways  to  make  it  a  bit  less  bland  while  doubling  as  a  way  to  better  flesh  out  the  character.  what  are  they  thinking?  what  is  their  body  language  like?  their  tone?  if  you  want  to  go  even  further  with  it,  everyone  has  their  own  quirks;  do  they  have  any  particular  habits  they  fall  into  under  certain  circumstances?  biting nails, fidgeting, etc? to use him as an example ( again, oops ) ren  tends  to  hide  his  face  when  he's  upset  or  feeling uncomfortable. it gives me a lot of room to play around with — how does his behavior change if he doesn't have his hat? removing it can be used as a visual metaphor for him allowing himself to be vulnerable around someone else ... and so on.

also,  it  may  be  something  of  a  cliché,  but  practice  genuinely  does  help!  i  started  writing  on  tumblr  ages  ago,  and  the  difference  is  like  night  and  day.  keep  at  it,  and  you'll  eventually  find  your  style.

i hope this was useful!

#𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯. ◟ ooc .◝ #( don't forget to take breaks & don't force yourself to write something if you don't have any ideas!! ) #( burn out is real & it is the enemy JVSKSK )

[msfbgraves]

I disagree strongly on Terry being Jewish.

I think he just went to Sensei Rosenthal's Shabbat Service to recruit him. Terry plays all sides; he is as loyal to ideas and abstract thoughts, religion and politics--as smoke and shadow. The only thing he's loyal to is certain people, and only when they are loyal back.

Circulating back, if Terry really is Jewish, than I think that's a mistake on the CK writers part. Oh look, yet another wealthy, evil, money-hungry, power-hungry Jewish man who is the villain...really? I still headcanon him as being Irish-Catholic just like his actor, though only attending mass to again, recruit people. Build up a front, a cover image like a glossy magazine. And again, while 'Silver' might be derived from 'Silber', there are people with that surname, and surnames of jewels etc., who have zero Jewish relation. I'm one of those people with both a first and last name of origin that does not match my ancestry or Catholic religion one bit, so people often assume otherwise.

I think Terry saying Shalom Sensei is just his usual way of being an affable villain, a sinister, yet totally charming man. Like I said, he plays all sides, and will butter people up before slipping them the knife and twisting it in deep.

I agree with your objections on Terry having Jewish heritage (I've made a whole post in november why that is, um, yikes going by so many antisemitic stereotypes), but it was placed there quite deliberately, and in my eyes randomly, by the writers. A dojo is not a place where this naturally comes up.

I agree we do not need another Jewish manipulative billonaire villain who buys influence and endangers children. But others have argued that the writers are Jewish and it reads differently to Americans because many of these antisemitic stereotypes are distinctly European. I honestly have no idea how liberal Californian synagogues are; maybe gentiles are incredibly welcome at services (not where I live! Gentiles are asked point blank not to attend services unless by express invitation...) but the writers put the whole Ashkenazi Germanic name = Jewish coded there themselves (Rosenthal), and well, Silber, like Edelstein, is in the same vein and they are discussing shabbat services!

I headcanon Terry as Irish too but that evidence is also only in the name Terry and the frequent use of "Danny boy". That's less obvious than this.

Honestly, if I'd been in the writer's room I'd have told them not to put it in but they did.

I assure you I am not trying to make him into an antisemitic stereotype but it is text and the two names plus the referring to the religion, unprompted in a situation where religion is not associated with the place the characters are or the activity going is quite a strong suggestion that the writing team, for better or worse, put in there.

Again, I would have suggested Mass, or a charity board meeting, a squash session, a wine tasting, an art show, a baseball game. But no. They chose two people with Jewish coded names meeting up and referring to a Jewish religious service. If I have two characters named O'Sullivan and Murphy refer to a meetup after Mass, well of course that does not prove they are Irish or even Christian, but it quite strongly suggests it.

I don't like it but I can't deny someone put it in.

#tw antisemitism

[jellyfishjulie]

I try not to devote a lot of thought to m*rvel movies but once or twice a year i experience a wave of unmitigated rage about milla jovovitch a) not being cast as bl*ck w*dow, despite it being, genuinely, the only correct casting choice and b) seeing her on lists speculating who would have played the characters if the films had been made in the 90's as if she isn't only 45 fucking years old

#rdj is eleven years older than her #mark ruffalo is eight years older than her #jeremy renner is five years older than her #make it make sense #i am CERTAIN i have made a text post in this vein before but i dont care to look it up and also i will say it 1000 times

[1dmonthlyficroundup]

1D Monthly Fic Roundup

Hi, and welcome to the 1D Monthly Fic Roundup for July 2021! Below you’ll find One Direction fics that were all published this month in the order they were submitted to the blog. We hope you’ll check out these new fics! If you would like to submit your own fic, please check this post on how to submit or visit our blog @1dmonthlyficroundup​.

Happy reading!

Game Changer by @neondiamond

[Harry/Louis, 6k, Mature, tumblr post]

“Did the doctor say what was wrong with you?”

“He thought I was pregnant,” Louis scoffs. “Told me to go home and take a test, a pregnancy test, Haz. Can you imagine the nerve it takes for him to even think that?”

Harry looks lost in his thoughts for a few seconds. “Did you? Take a test, I mean?”

“Of course I didn’t.”

OR: A couple months before playing in his first long-awaited World Cup, Louis finds out he’s pregnant. Harry’s there for the ride.

(I Was Broke) You Healed Me by @fallinglikethis

[Harry/Niall, 12k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

Niall Horan is an unmated pregnant omega living on his own after his alpha boyfriend leaves him. Far from his family and friends in Ireland, Niall is stuck living in a complex for Alpha/Omega bondmates, terrified every day of being found out by his landlord.As if that isn't enough, he's suffering from touch deprivation. Luckily, Niall's doctor can at least help him with that part: she prescribes Niall some cuddle sessions. It's only a little weird that the person she's prescribing him is her brother. Or maybe that's actually a little bit perfect.

The Only Pain in Pleasure is the Pleasure of the Pain by Layne Faire / @laynefaire

[Liam/Zayn, 10k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Liam had followed InZaynity, an artist's Instagram, for ages. Not only was the artist incredibly talented, his voice poured over Liam like warm honey on a winter's night, and his hands were the stuff Liam's wank dreams were made of. However, having Zayn unexpectedly arrive as the newest artist at his best friend's tattoo shop brought Liam's fantasies and reality a little too close for comfort.

Zayn Malik met his boss' friend on his first day at Fine Line Tattoos, and felt an instant attraction. Unfortunately, given Liam's unwillingness to even hold a conversation with him, Zayn was certain the feelings weren't reciprocal. Or were they?

When Liam's new tattoo design falls outside the scope of Tommo's talent, and he recommends Zayn do it, Liam reluctantly agrees. Surely he could manage to spend hours in Zayn's company without revealing his biggest secret, right? Right?

Blow Me Away by LadyAJ_13 / @ladyaj-13

[Louis/Liam, 6k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Louis likes giving blow jobs.

He doesn't exactly get off on it – he's been with people who properly loved it, and he's not quite that into it – but he doesn't mind the feel or the taste and he really, really likes watching his partner lose it, so getting down on his knees regularly is a no brainer.

Which is why it's a bit frustrating that every time he does, Liam hauls him back up again.

Why Didn't We Make Out the Night We Met? by @berzerkshires

[Louis/Harry, 52k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Louis and Harry meet in an alley outside the hotel Louis is staying for the weekend. Harry introduces himself as Ed, and Louis is completely clueless. They have a relationship through text messages, phone calls, shared pictures and Facetime calls. Is a cell phone being the only source of communication enough? Will Louis ever learn that he's really talking to an international popstar? And what happens when the world is shutdown due to a wide spread virus?

I Love This Feeling (But I Hate This Part) by @lululawrence

[Harry/Louis, 7k, Not rated, tumblr post]

“Stand up.”

Harry stood up from the couch, not a moment’s delay.

“Oh my god, is that what that’s like?” Harry turned to Louis, surprise on his face. “I really thought they were somehow exaggerating, but it really is an automatic response with absolutely no thought from me behind it whatsoever.”

Louis sighed again. “You really wanna keep doing this? Have me use my alpha voice on you so you can work on resisting it?”

“Yup,” Harry said, clapping his hands and smiling. “How else am I going to be able to have any chance at reducing the power an alpha voice has on me?”

I Said It Wrong, But I Meant It Right by @lululawrence

[Liam/Nick Grimshaw, 4k, Not rated, tumblr post]

Nick was a bit of a disaster, but she was used to it.

Or so she thought. She had never known how much she could struggle just to function until the new fire lady goddess angel person winked at her.

Oh, Those Summer Nights by cherrylarry / @beelou

[Louis/Harry, 1k, General, tumblr post]

“Are you okay?” He kneels down to inspect where Harry still has his hand pressed against his head.

“Oh! Yeah, I’m fine.”

“My name’s Louis. Can I buy you dinner or something to make up for hitting you in the head?”

Harry crinkles his eyebrows. “Me?”

Louis chuckles. “Yes, you. If you’d like?”

“Yeah. That would be nice.” Harry smiles so that his dimples show. “I’m Harry.”

“Harry, it's a date, then." Louis grins.

An extended scene of the beginning of the movie Grease as a larry au

people fall in love in mysterious ways (maybe just the touch of a hand) by @vintageumbroshirt / 28sunflowers, @justalarryblog / Bekita, @bluecolouredlou , @beelou / cherrylarry, @thedevilinmybrain / devilinmybrain, @hershelsue / docklands, @foreverfanficaddict,@idolizingthelight / idolizingthelightt, @inlockets / loveroflou, @perfectdagger, @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same

[Louis/Harry, 13k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

Set in a world where meeting your soulmate causes a literal spark, Louis Tomlinson has no time for fate. He knows all too well the heartbreak that having a soulmate can bring and he'd rather avoid the whole affair. But, when a chance meeting with up-and-coming popstar, Harry Styles, causes the biggest electrical surge the world has ever seen, Louis must confront the truth that sometimes destiny knocks when you least expect it.

Somehow, Someway by @zanniscaramouche

[Louis/Harry, 16k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

Louis Tomlinson has everything all figured out for a smooth post-graduation sailing into the perfect career in the music industry. A canceled class, a high school play, and a disarming set of dimples were not part of the plan. (Especially when they belong to a boy wearing someone else’s jacket.)

Featuring: A punk with the worst timed crush in history, that moody art kid that never shares cigarettes, the cutest pastel-pink wearing boy on the planet, and his unfortunately nice bottle-blond jock of a boyfriend.

Forts & Fortunes by @neondiamond

[Louis/Harry, 2k, General, tumblr post]

It’s finals week at uni and Harry is struggling to find a healthy balance between studying and tending to his needs. Lucky for him, Louis is there to help him out with that.

One way to reduce tension by @neondiamond

[Harry/Louis, 1k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Harry knows of a few ways to help Louis get rid of some pent up stress…

We Got a Call by @greenblueish / bluegreenish

[Louis/Harry, 24k, Mature, tumblr post]

“Fisher from St Peter hospital, hello. Is this Mr Tomlinson?”

Louis’ eyebrows furrow in concern. Why is the hospital calling him? Has someone he knows been in an accident? “Uh, yes?”

“Great. Your results are in. Congratulations, you’re pregnant!”

“Pregnant?” he chokes, the word almost getting caught in his throat.

“Yes, without doubt,” the woman from the hospital confirms, her voice neutral but somehow chirpy. “I recommend promptly booking an appointment with your ob/gyn to discuss how to proceed.”

"I...Yeah, I’ll talk to my … partner.”

or, the one where Louis and Harry Tomlinson are married and Louis accepts a phone call that was definitely meant for his husband.

How Long Will We Fall (Before We Can Climb) by 4ureyesonly28 / @evilovesyou

[Louis/Harry, 860 words, General, tumblr post]

Louis' faith in Harry is unbreakable. When they get caught kissing and he is thrown out of his home forever, he has to learn to have faith in himself.

Rope, Leather and Lipstick by 4ureyesonly28 / @evilovesyou

[Louis/Harry, 552 words, Mature, tumblr post]

Something about ropes around wrists, and tinting skin the colour of strawberry ice cream, tender and kissed by dark lips. Smudging sticky red lipstick across the slight blue shadow of veins, and assuring hands tightening knots.

Lies & Liability by 4ureyesonly28 / @evilovesyou

[Louis/Harry, 34k, Mature, tumblr post]

Harry Styles has only three wishes when he leaves River Dane Manor to go to Town for his first season: that his sister has rented a townhouse that will provide him as many of the comforts of the country life he has grown accustomed to as possible, that he will not trip and fall when he is presented to Her Majesty the Queen, and that he will enter matrimony out of true love, no matter how favourable the match with any which alpha may be.

Sugar at Night by @brightgolden

[Harry/Louis, 33k, Explicit, tumblr post]

With a year left before he completes his degree, a wonderful fiancé, and a baby coming soon, life is going exceptionally well for Harry Styles.

But, the truth always has a way to unravel itself, doesn’t it?

So, what do you do when the person you fell in love with is not the person you thought they were?

I got myself in a mess (and without you I'm in more) by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same

[Zayn/Liam, 9k, Mature, tumblr post]

It’s not desire that has his synapses firing. It’s not the urge to jump him that makes him feel jittery.

It’s the fact that everything about this man - a nice, unassuming guy on Tinder, who studied IT and who seemed like a safe choice - screams danger. It’s the fact that Zayn has been absently touching his necklace for what feels like half the night now.

The necklace. Thank God for Lou, honestly. He’d laughed a bit, at first, when Louis had given it to him, when he’d explained all about the app that it was connected to, the emergency contacts that would be notified and sent his exact location “if you just double tap the back of the charm, see” because Louis was that friend, the mom friend, but right now? Right now Zayn will gladly take the gentle ribbing from Louis if it means he won’t have to spend another moment with this guy.

I don't care if the world knows by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same

[Louis/Harry, 6k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

Harry is fourteen when she buys her first binder. She’s been doing cosplay videos on Tiktok for a while at that point, and it seems like the logical choice. Not that there’s anything wrong with cosplaying characters of the opposite gender and not wanting to fully look like them, she’s seen plenty of wonderful creators put their own spin on characters in a way that transcends the source material, but when it comes to her own cosplays -

She just likes it to be accurate.

She likes her chest to be flat, not soft and curvy, when she’s wearing her Crowley cosplay, or when she’s transformed herself into Loki.

It’s all about the aesthetics.

∞

Over the course of a few years, Harry explores and comes to terms with gender identity.

It’s Probably Because I’ve Got a Big Lesbian Crush on You by yeah_alright / @uhoh-but-yeah-alright

[Louis/Harry, 6k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

Harry's never really concerned herself with being part of the popular crowd. But as the new girl in school the second semester of her junior year, she finds herself unwittingly competing for Queen Bee status against high school royalty Louis Tomlinson. Maybe there's more to their rivalry than it seems.

A not-quite-Mean Girls AU

Going Green (so fucking green) by yeah_alright / @uhoh-but-yeah-alright

[Louis/Harry, 5k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Harry just really loves being used, and Louis really loves Harry. Who is he to deny him?

Or: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle but make it BDSM

the next bit was spanners to my plan by LadyAJ_13 / @ladyaj-13

[Louis/Nick Grimshaw, 6k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

The first time was an accident. The second time was an accident too.

Or: Louis and Nick end up shagging on the sly, everyone sends far too many emojis and far too few words, and eventually they're going to have to sort themselves out.

Trust Me Tonight by @vintageumbroshirt / 28sunflowers

[Louis/Harry, 10k, Explicit, tumblr post]

After Harry’s eighteenth birthday, his father calls him into a meeting to say that he is to be married to Prince Louis of France in just over a week.

Harry is excited, of course. The arrangement is better than any he could’ve hoped for, with such a young, handsome and kind husband.

There is just one issue: Harry doesn’t know what happens on his nuptials, or how to get pregnant to give Louis the heir that he needs.

Can we make it any more obvious? by LouStylesHTommo / @smolhilariousbeans

[Louis/Harry, 6k, Explicit, tumblr post]

Five times the boys accidentally walked in on Harry & Louis plus one time they did it on purpose.

Aka Niall, Zayn, Liam being supportive of Lou&H sexy shenanigans.

darling just dive right in by @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed / we_are_the_same

[Zayn/Louis, 5k, Teen and up, tumblr post]

Louis can’t think of a worse place to be than at the Malik estate, attending his ex boyfriend's wedding.

Shining just for you by ThoseFookin_Avacados / @hlhome28

[Harry/Louis, 1k, General, tumblr post]

For a clumsy person, Harry danced with quite the grace- spinning around Louis, billowy light robes brushing against his firm darker ones. Despite his slightly smaller build, Louis was decivingly strong, his grip on Harry's waist tight as they performed their steps in sync. Like two opposite halves of a whole, like ones reflection in the mirror, like the sun and the moon.

Part 2 of the Prompt Generator series

crown me with your heart (your love is king) by @perfectdagger

[Louis/Harry, 41k, General, tumblr post]

The universe must’ve had a field day when it decided to plan Harry’s life. There was no plausible explanation for anything that happened in his life anymore. Try as he may, he would never be able to control his life nor predict what would happen next. What were the odds that the one person he was sure he had fallen in love with but had completely let him slip out of his life, already resigned to the fact nothing could ever evolve between them due to Harry’s future with Eroda, happened to be the same person who had Harry’s future in his hand?

A The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Wedding au in which Harry is the Crown Prince of the small island of Eroda and Louis’ uncle is trying to take the throne from him, with a slight a/b/o twist and some more.

#trackinghappily #1dsource #tracksintheam #trackinghome #28th appreciation #july 2021 #one direction fan fic

[etherealcheol-mp3]

Gotcha || knj

pairing: kim namjoon x reader

genre: fluff, slight angst, coffee shop/ bakery!au, e2l, neighbors!au, non-idol!au

warnings: none really, slow burn, enemies to lovers, mentions of death/ fire, mentions of panic attacks, hints towards sexual themes, pranks played against one another constantly, b a n t e r

words: 20.3K (it’s a monster, i’m so sorry)

summary: rival shops aren’t the worst things in life, but maybe their owners are. after a less than ideal first meeting, y/n swears kim namjoon off as their mortal enemy. this is tolerable, bearable even. nobody said they had to step foot in each other's shops, but what happens when the vacant apartment in their building gets filled with a noisy neighbor with constant….guests. and what happens when said neighbor is revealed to be none other than kim namjoon? prank wars and lots of meddling from best friends.

A/N: this story was originally posted on my instagram @/constellationkookie and my wattpad @/hoodftarreaga. this was also originally written for Calum Hood but I’m bts trash now and have no regrets:) -toro

 I’ve never had a constant variable in my life. Moving around as a kid and changing schools happens to have that effect on a person. You learn not to expect too much from a friendship that you try to make work over texts and slowly dwindling phone calls and you begin to search for things in life that can become constants in some way or another. My form of constant was as simple as flour, sugar, eggs, and butter. The basic, core ingredients to any baked good. No matter where I moved or who I did or didn’t talk to, I had baking. All I needed was flour, sugar, eggs, and butter and I was whisked away to the safety of my kitchen where I didn’t have to deal with the chaos surrounding me in the outside world.

I didn’t need a boyfriend, best friend, or school club like everyone else. I didn’t need anything that would ground me into my surroundings since it would only make leaving that much harder. However, sometimes certain people try their hardest to latch onto you and gain your trust. They make you feel comfortable and allow you to open up and be vulnerable around them. I was twenty years old and living in Seoul with this certain person who just so happened to be my first and only best friend, Mal. She stood by my side through thick and thin and supported me to follow my dreams and do what I never thought was possible: open up my own bakery. It was hard at first and very stressful, but the end result was well worth the sleepless nights and crying fits.

Sunrise Bakery was my pride and joy and very successful. The name was Mal’s idea as she saw ‘the sun was rising on the start of my new life’. Seven months in, everything was going great, but then slowly my regulars began to not be so regular. ‘Friends’ turned into strangers and it seemed like everyone in the city forgot. I tried just about everything in the books from sales to new recipes but nothing kept them back for long. It wasn’t until I heard about a new coffee shop in town that I started to get worried. The Hideout Cafe was new in town and conveniently just down the street from my bakery. 

“Are you still plotting,'' Mal called from behind me. I turned my attention to her and furrowed my brow. “I’m not plotting anything,” I stated defensively and started rolling out the previously abandoned dough on the counter.

Mal snorts and rolls her eyes playfully before taking a sip out of her coffee cup, I hadn’t noticed it before. “Sure because staring out your window to try and see what's going on in there isn’t creepy at all.” I ignore her comment and look at the sleeve on her coffee cup before realizing which logo was on it.

“You went there? And actually ordered something?” I say incredulously. Her eyes widen slightly before sighing and slumping her shoulders. 

“I’m sorry but their latte is amazing! I seriously don’t know how they do it like it’s insane. I know you have some personal vendetta against them but just check it out one time and you’ll see how stupid it is. Customers aren’t going to stop coming permanently to a bakery because of a coffee shop.” I tried to ignore her and go to the back of the shop but she gently grabbed my wrist and stopped me in my tracks. 

“Come on, Y/N, you’ve been working since you opened and it’s time for a break. Please? For me?” I huffed before finally looking over at her and giving in. She silently cheered as I untied my apron and turned the open sign before locking up. We headed down the street and stopped in front of the shiny, new Hideout Cafe. Walking inside felt wrong but also relieving as the shop took over my senses. The warm air inside tickled my face, cold from the winter breeze outside. The clatter of cutlery accompanying the scent of coffee beans and light chatter of patrons soothed my senses in an instant. 

I followed Mal to the register and looked up at the seemingly endless menu posted on the wall. It was written in varying colors of chalk along with the seamless flow of script font that spelled out “Today’s Specials”. Mal pushed me forward and my eyes met the face of a boy around my age. He looked slightly amused and had a brow ever so lightly quirked up as he looked at my most likely flustered state. I opened my mouth but no sounds came out.

“First time?” The barista let out in his low voice. I shakily nodded my head before averting my gaze elsewhere. “Can I have a name for the order?” The barista started tapping on the screen in front of him. “Uh, Y/N. Just checking out the competition” I suddenly spoke, effectively shocking myself and him. He furrowed his brow before smiling almost smugly. I thought I saw a hint of a dimple but my attention was drawn elsewhere as he spoke again. 

“Oh, you must work at that dumb little bakery down the road. What is it? Moonlight or something?” I scoffed at his words and felt anger rush through my veins. “I happen to own that very successful bakery. And it’s Sunrise.” I spoke confidently.

“It’s irrelevant. It’ll probably be shut down in three months max at the rate of our shop. But hey it’s nice of you to add to the steady demise of your own bakery by buying something from us. What would you like? Pumpkin spice latte?” He spoke with such ease it infuriated me to no end. 

I turned away from the register to find Mal and leave as soon as possible. I knew coming here was a horrible idea and the sooner I left the better. I found Mal standing by the area to pick up drinks ‘talking’ to another male barista. I walked up next to her and waited for her to look at me but it seemed the only things on her mind were the warm eyes and cocky smirk adorned by plush lips on the other side of the counter. I cleared my throat and stepped closer to her and gained her attention only to lose it two seconds later as she turned back to the boy and introduced me to him.

“This is Y/N, it’s her first time here.” She spoke sweetly and I tried not to gag but the instinct was harder to resist as the barista from before walked up with a drink in hand with a smirk on his face. “Pumpkin spice latte for Y/N. Don’t worry, it’s on the house.” He winked at me before walking away and I scowled at his retreating figure. The barista with warm eyes laughed lightly before speaking, “Well it seems you made friends with our owner, Namjoon.”

Namjoon. Namjoon...blank. I don’t know much about him but I know the important things. He’s the owner of the Hideout Cafe. The self-righteous asshole who took it upon himself to spite me by not only making a basic drink that I will never admit to drinking half of, but also by misspelling my name. As soon as I noticed the lazy scrawl on the side of the cup with a lopsided smiley face next to it, I texted the photographic evidence to Mal and promptly trashed the drink.

I felt a heavy weight on my chest for the rest of the day and couldn’t seem to keep the scowl off my face as I suspiciously looked down the street. I tried to ignore the cocky smirk and the harsh words from earlier by rolling out dough and frosting cupcakes but something about the situation just didn’t sit right with me. Before I could overanalyze or create more conspiracy theories to add to my growing list (42 currently reside on this list and they all seem somewhat plausible) closing time for the bakery came and I started to clean up before walking home. 

My eyes felt droopy as I leaned against the elevator wall. The steady motion was quickly luring me to sleep but I forced my head to face forward as the doors opened and my bed became that much closer. I fumbled with my keys a bit before dropping them on the floor in front of my apartment. I grumbled out a curse before successfully entering and falling into bed after changing my flour ridden clothes. I fell asleep almost instantly and waited to be awoken by the sun through my blinds.

Except that’s not what happened. I awoke at 3:04 am to a loud blaring and lights flashing in my room. I groggily sat up before realizing what was happening. The fire alarm. My eyes widened and I jumped from my bed, grabbing my phone and the first pair of shoes I saw before bolting to my front door. I turned to my left to run to the stairway when I collided with a firm blur and stumbled backward. My vision was still slightly spinning before I heard the voice start to apologize. 

“Ah, shit. Sorry I didn’t see where I was going. I just moved in here and don’t know where to go.” That voice. The voice I had on repeat all afternoon after I left his shop. The voice of Namjoon. Namjoon Last-name.

I opened my eyes and saw him sleepily staring back at me before his ever-present smirk took over his face again. I groaned and threw my head back, begging the universe to tell me this was a joke but the semi hoarse laughter in front of me proved otherwise. 

“Nice slippers, Moonlight” I looked down and saw my fuzzy mermaid slippers on my feet. I let out a huff as I looked at him again before seeing it. His body was completely bare except for the black boxers and single sock on his right foot. My throat dried up and my eyes widened at the sight. I shook my head as the current situation sunk back in. Fire alarm, fire, danger, get to the stairs, get to safety. I ran past him to the stairway and didn’t look back. I couldn’t get stuck up there, I can’t. Visions of thick, black smoke and watery eyes flashed in my mind and my breathing picked up speed. Don’t think, just run.

I found my way to the ground floor and was greeted by a hoard of grumpy, tired people in pajamas crowding the entrance. I tried to squeeze my way through to the exit but as soon as I reached it a hand grabbed my wrist and I yelped before trying to pull my hand free. The hand let go almost instantly and I fearfully looked up only to see Namjoon again looking at me confused. I turned my head away from him and held my wrist close to my chest. 

“Woah, no need to freak out. It was a false alarm but I saw you running for the exit and wanted to stop you.” I dropped my arms and looked at him before seeing the hint of concern lacing his features. I chose to ignore it and said what I had first thought when I saw him in my hallway. 

“Why are you here and why are you naked?” The monotone delivery caught him off guard as his eyebrows raised and he chuckled at me. Those damn dimples proudly being displayed. “You must not have heard me earlier. I just moved in and it’s three in the morning so I was sleeping. This is how I sleep, well except for the boxers anyways.” He smirked again and I tried my hardest to not slap it off his face. I chose to roll my eyes instead and questioned him further.

“What apartment are you?” He had a devious glint in his eyes and I knew what he was thinking. “I’m not asking for that. You were in my hall so I want to know which door to avoid.” He squinted his eyes at me but the boyish grin on his face stayed. He looked me up and down and I crossed my arms over my chest, blushing at the intensity of his gaze. “5B.” He finally stated and I groaned in defeat at his answer. Of course, he lived there. 5B had been vacant for as long as I had lived in this building and I always hoped it would stay that way. “Well what about you,” he started,”which apartment is yours?” I brushed past him and walked to the elevator. The lobby had significantly cleared out since I got there and I decided I would rather sleep than talk to Namjoon Insert-Name-Here. 

The doors opened and I pressed the button for the fifth floor as Namjoon walked on and stared at me. I ignored him and his piercing gaze the entire ride up but he seemed to think this through as he motioned for me to exit first when we reached our floor. “Ladies first,” he said smugly and I grumbled to myself as I walked to my apartment. The number and letter on my door seemed to be mocking me as I stopped in front of them. I heard Namjoon trying to hold back his laughter to my right as he spoke. “Oh, Moonlight, this is gonna be fun.” He opened his door and walked in, leaving me to sulk in the hallway by myself. I banged my head against the door of 5C and felt the urge to scream. Namjoon...whatever his last name was, is going to be the death of me.

I didn’t sleep much after the fire alarms blaring that night. My thoughts were racing much too fast to grant me any type of peace. In fact, I hardly slept at all the few days after that night due to Namjoon constantly having friends over and yelling or blaring music at alarming volumes all night long. I walked groggily down the street to my bakery and fumbled for the keys in my bag. I let out a stream of curses under my breath as they fell to the ground, a seemingly new trait I had developed due to no sleep, and sighed as I leaned to pick them up. I could already tell this day would not be fun.

Customers filed through the shop door and the smell of sugar filled my senses until Mal walked in for her shift clutching two coffee cups. I narrowed my eyes at her cheery smile and the two cups in her hands. “You seriously stopped by that shop again? And you bought me a drink?” I questioned incredulously. Mal playfully rolled her eyes as she walked behind the counter without a care in the world.

“I just so happened to walk in to talk to Jimin and get my regular when a certain someone handed me another on the house.” Mal wiggled her eyebrows as she slid one of the cups towards me. I furrowed my brow, “Jimin? I’ve never heard you talk about them before. And if you’re trying to be subtle and make me guess how you managed to flirt with one guy while charming another so much that he bought you a free drink, it’s not working.” Mal chuckled lightly before shaking her head and explaining.

“You do know Jimin, you two met that day we went to check out the Hideout. He asked me out when I stopped by today and after I agreed your neighbor stopped by to ask me to give you this. Have anything to share, Y/N?” She tapped the lid of the cup and based on the tone she used and the faux innocence in her wide eyes, I knew she was trying to not scream at me for not instantly telling her Namjoon was my neighbor. Or she was trying not to laugh. Laughing seemed to be all the universe was doing to me recently.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply “Unfortunately yes. I found out last week that we live next door to each other.” I could only grumble the words that left a bitter taste in my mouth. Namjoon always seemed to have that effect on me. The fact that he even had an effect on me made it worse. I opened my eyes to see Mal smirking at me while she continuously shifted her gaze to the cup that seemingly shifted closer to my hand resting on the counter.

I picked up the cup slowly, scared it would explode or an animal would come out and attack me at any sudden movement. I saw the messy handwriting on the side that was slowly becoming familiar and felt my blood boil at what it read. My name wasn’t too complicated but once again he had seemed to misspell it so bad that it almost had to be done on purpose. Mal was struggling to hold back her giggles and I glared at her. “You can’t seriously be that mad at him, it’s funny!” She spoke defensively. I threw my head back in defeat and groaned before starting to walk towards the kitchen. 

“But I can be because he’s a self righteous jerk who only cares about himself and doesn’t even try to be a decent human being and spell a name right. I swear, every single thing he does makes me want to scream.” I finally vented as Mal followed me. “I bet he wants to make you scream,” Mal states smugly, making me glare at her over my shoulder before she changed the subject, “So what are you gonna do about it?” She questioned me and I turned to face her with confusion etched across my face. “You keep complaining about the guy and you just let him keep getting to you. You need to annoy him back or at least let him know you’re not going down without a fight. And I’m only saying this since apparently hate sex is off the table.”

I thought for a minute and it didn’t seem like a bad idea. Better than the latter one at least. “I don’t even know what I would do. I can hardly face him without wanting to run away and yell into my pillow.” I was whining and I knew it but in my defense it was true. If I had to look at Namjoon whatever his last name was smirking at me with those dimples one more time I was going to lose it. Mal’s eyes slightly widened and her grin started to grow as I felt fear rise in me. She had an idea and it would most likely end up with injury or prison.

“You live next door to the guy. And his shop is down the road. There’s nothing wrong with a little prank to tell him to back off.” I crossed my arms and opened my mouth to protest only to close it as her words really hit me. It really wasn’t the worst idea ever. I would have to think everything through and leave no room for mistake but he had to know it was me. I had to give him the sign to back off but I couldn’t anger him too much. Luckily though Mal was already listing ideas before I could think of any on my own.

I cut her off after hearing the words ‘peanut butter’, ‘toilet paper’ and ‘hedge clipper’ by putting my hand out and laughing. “Let’s start off tame first. I can barely think straight after getting no slee-'' I suddenly stopped speaking and smiled largely. I knew what I wanted to do but I had to make sure it was perfect. 

I checked the clock on the microwave one more time as I started to get nervous. It was 4:03AM and Namjoon’s front door had closed roughly thirty minutes ago. I hadn’t heard any noise from his apartment aside from the shower and shuffling around. Suddenly I had found benefits to paper thin walls. Everything was perfect and now it was time to set my plan into motion. I loudly swung open my cabinets and turned on my bluetooth speaker as music started to fill the spaces around me. I dropped some metal pans on the floor and slammed a cookie sheet onto my counter for good measure before grabbing my ingredients. I would’ve worried about other neighbors complaining but I thankfully had an apartment on the corner of the hall. Only Namjoon would be able to hear the noise I made.

 I worked loudly and sang along to the music coming from my speakers. Soon enough the electric mixer was loudly whirring and the oven was beeping to alert me of the temperature being reached. I had just aggressively closed the oven door when I heard a harsh banging at my door. I smiled and ignored it. I had riskily left the front door unlocked and just as I had assumed, Namjoon Last Name raced into my apartment after knocking and being ignored once again. 

He walked to my kitchen and found my speaker, quickly turning it off. I didn’t even glance up at him once as he breathed heavily through his nose and stared at me. “Do you have any idea what fucking time it is?” He spoke angrily and I tried not to laugh. “Yep” I replied coolly. “What are you do- are you baking a cake? It’s 4am. Why are you baking a cake? And what’s with the party decorations?” He spoke confusedly as he looked around at the streamers and balloons decorating my apartment. “I’m celebrating the death of my sleep schedule and sanity. Want a cookie?” 

I finally looked at him and kept a straight face as his jaw hung open and his eyes narrowed. “A cookie? No I don’t want a fucking cookie. What the fuck is wrong with you?” He threw his hands up and looked at me like I was crazy. I think I probably was after almost a week of no sleep, but I kept up the act. “You sound tense. The cupcakes should be done soon, maybe they’ll help you loosen up.” Namjoon huffed and talked to me like I was a child. “I’m pissed. You can’t just fucking make all the noise in the world at 4AM and expect everyone to sleep through it and be okay with it-”

I pointed my rubber spatula at him and glared, effectively cutting him off. “Why not? It’s all you seem to do every night when you have friends over and scream at a television for four hours straight.” I stuck a finger into the frosting I was in the process of creating and put it in my mouth to suck the frosting off. “Needs more vanilla” I mumbled to myself. I still had some left on my finger and stuck out my tongue to effectively lick the rest of it off and went back to mixing. Namjoon was silent. After a minute of ignoring him I looked up, almost expecting him to be gone but there he was. His jaw was tense and his eyes slightly wide while his eyebrows almost raised to the top of his head. 

He looked away as I met his eye and grunted out a “Just keep it down okay?” Before bolting out the door and leaving me confused in my kitchen. I put some plastic wrap over my frosting and put the cupcakes onto a cooling rack before retiring to my bed for a few hours of sleep. Namjoon was on my mind though. He seemed to leave pretty quickly and I wondered if I had gone too far. Did I get him too angry? Did I cross a line with what I said? I pushed away those thoughts since I was only doing and saying what he had to me. It couldn’t be that bad. 

Could it?

I slept surprisingly well after Namjoon left. My alarm greeted me only a few, short hours later, however, I felt like I had slept for years. I took a quick shower and started to get ready for the day when I heard movement through the thin walls of my bedroom. Namjoon was awake. Namjoon. My eyes widened at the thought of him and his probable reaction to my little prank last night. My heart beat started to accelerate ever so slightly as I hurriedly finished getting ready.

I slowly opened my bedroom door and peeked my head out slowly. I turned to thoroughly inspect every hidden corner for anything Namjoon could have planted while I was sleeping but found nothing. Nevertheless I was still paranoid. I walked to my kitchen quickly and grabbed a granola bar before slipping on my shoes and heading to the door. I was ready to get to my shop and away from the close proximity of him.

I felt my phone vibrate rapidly in my pocket and groaned as I barely had enough energy and concentration to focus on getting my shoes on the right feet. I saw Mal’s name on the screen and answered quickly. I couldn’t even get a word in as she instantly greeted me with a warm “Where the hell are you?!” and I winced as I pulled the phone away from my poor ear.

“I’m leaving the apartment? Same time as usual.” I stated tiredly. Mal wasted no time as she once again responded too loudly for this hour. “You forgot what day it is, didn’t you?” I froze at her words and pulled my phone away to see the date on the screen. A bold ‘February 4th’ stared back at me and my eyes widened once again that morning. Shit.

Ever since we became friends, Mal and I had created a tradition. On the same day every year we would meet up and spend the day together doing whatever we needed at the time. Some years we went shopping for dates we had or prom dresses, others we stayed at home doing face masks and watching Queer Eye and some harder years we ate ice cream and vented about how much life sucked and how glad we were to have each other. The most important year though was when we moved out to Seoul together after graduating college and saving up money for plane tickets and moving expenses. This day was our day and it always had been, it was more important than some official holidays to us and it was today. February 4th. 

“I love you?” I tried pathetically and Mal laughed at my response, already knowing I had forgotten. Thankfully she wasn’t angry with me as she playfully replied, “You move out of our place for three months and suddenly you forget the most important day of the year.” I laughed but couldn’t help the guilt I felt weighing me down. Mal was my best friend, my rock and I wouldn’t be doing half of the things I had accomplished without her by my side. 

Seemingly reading my mind Mal spoke softly, “Don’t feel bad Y/N/N, I’ve easily forgotten at least four times in the past. I’m coming by yours in a bit and we can decide what the plan is from there.” I smiled even though she couldn’t see it and we said our goodbyes before hanging up. I walked to the front door to be ready to meet her in the lobby as she wasn’t too far from me. I went to lock my door but decided against it as we probably would just end up there for the day and walked to the elevator. 

“Junk food and netflix?” Mal spoke as I opened her car door and got in. I eagerly agreed and we headed to our first stop: the closest convenience store. It easily was the most cost effective option and yet another monument of our friendship. Whenever we were bored or wanted to hang out we always ended up at the closest convenience store and always bought too many things (mainly snacks) we didn’t need. It was always worth it.

After spending too much time and money we headed back to Mal’s apartment and got ready to spend the day together. We pulled up ‘After’ on Netflix because we knew how bad it would be and wanted to laugh at ourselves and each other for reading the original Harry Styles fanfic the movie was based on. After pausing the movie a million times to laugh and talk about what chapter this would be, Mal turned to me and spoke genuinely, “How are you today?” I sighed and looked her in the eye. I smiled as big as I could and told her the truth. “Could be better. It’s always going to be hard though and my neighbor really isn’t helping things.” 

February 4th wasn’t a randomly chosen date. It was a date chosen to help me be prepared for another significant date just around the corner. Mal smiled and nodded in understanding before speaking again, “What would be best for us to do the rest of today?” This is why I loved Mal. She knew the real reason why this day was created and she still never tried to do what she thought I needed to have fun or be okay with it or even ignore it. She always wanted to make sure I was doing what I needed for myself.

I smiled again, larger this time and told her gratefully, “Honestly watching ‘This Is Us’ and crying over One Direction sounds great right now.” We laughed before we pulled the movie and cuddled up together under the blankets. I was so lucky.

I got back to my apartment around 9pm that night with a smile on my face. Today was great and I knew it would help me be prepared for the next important day. I went to unlock my door but it was already unlocked. I froze as I remembered not locking it this morning in case we ended up here and felt my heart drop as I heard the TV on inside. I knew I didn’t leave it on this morning as I hardly used it in general and I braced myself as I slowly opened the door, ready to face whatever burglar or serial killer was inside. Only it was worse.

Namjoon was relaxed and sprawled out on my couch with his feet on the coffee table in front of him. He had a mug with tea in it next to his feet and I gaped at him. He turned to me as he heard the door open and smiled smugly at my expression. “Oh, hey you’re back.” He turned back to the TV and I was too shocked to move from my place in the doorway. He spoke casually like he had every right to be in there. “You know, you should probably stop leaving your door unlocked. You never know what creep or weirdo could walk in.” He took a sip of his tea and raised his brows at me. 

I started to mutter out a response but he stood from the couch and cut me off from my stuttering. “I just want to apologize for keeping you up last week. It’s not cool and I learned my lesson completely. It won’t happen again.” He spoke sincerely and it was honestly scary to hear him talk without sounding sarcastic or cruel. I narrowed my eyes at him and spoke in disbelief, “Really? So...we’re cool?” Namjoon laughed genuinely with his award winning dimples in view as I arched my brow in confusion. He patted my shoulder as he replied. “Yeah, we’re cool.”

With that he walked past me and out the door, closing it behind him and calling for me to “Make sure you lock it”. I looked around my apartment for anything that seemed broken or tampered with to ignore the pounding of my heart and the heat that lingered where his hand was. After coming up empty handed I was confused. Surely he would’ve tried to get me back. Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone so far like I did and just talked to him. I sighed and groaned as I felt guilt start to swallow me up again that day. 

It wasn’t until I moved to get ready for bed that I saw I had no need to feel guilty at all. I was right about him. I should’ve gone further than what I did because he did get me back. He had replaced something of mine I hadn’t thought of before and it was way worse than I could’ve imagined. Sitting innocently on top of my dresser was a little note with his messy scrawl reading ‘Gotcha ;)’ and I panicked. I looked through all my shirts, pants, socks but found nothing until I looked in the last drawer. I gasped as I saw his handiwork and couldn’t believe it. He had replaced my entire underwear collection with brand new, lacy thongs.

To say I was fuming would be an understatement. Not only had he completely invaded my privacy but he had touched and stolen things that were for my eyes only. I had to use every ounce of strength in my body to not feel embarrassed that he had seen my lackluster collection since that was not the issue here. I couldn’t just ask him to give them back and at the moment putting on my dirty pair I discarded after the quick shower I had taken was also not an option. I swallowed my pride and slipped a lacy red thong with floral details up my legs and dove into bed hoping to forget my day and have sleep take over me.

Shockingly, I seemed to once again be the only one who found my situation infuriating. Mal was practically suffering the next morning as she tried to hold in her laughter at my explanation of the night before. My glare did nothing to ease her laughter that had finally bubbled out of her loudly and I brushed past her into the kitchen in my shop. I ignored her wheezing as I pulled out the bowls and ingredients for the day. Today called for a new creation and ultimate focus since all I could think of was the fact that I could feel the soft material of my sundress against just about every part of me.

Tying my apron around my waist, I got to work. I started with cupcakes as I was constantly out of stock of my new flavor “Maliblue”. It was a spring themed cupcake with lemon flavored cake and a blueberry frosting. The hoards of college students on spring break back at home posting pictures at beaches inspired the name and surprisingly it sold well for a small bakery in Korea. As I placed my first batch in the oven I got to thinking on what to do next. I wanted something new and good. 

Before I could clearly think out any ideas I started grabbing ingredients and let my body work for me. Mal walked back, seemingly calmed down and ready to let me vent. “Alright I’m sorry but you can not tell me you don't see any humor in this!” 

I rolled my eyes and pushed a stubborn strand of hair back behind my ear as I worked on the mystery item in front of me. “Honestly I don’t see any humor in him discovering my granny panty collection.” I murmured under my breath. My eyes widened as I spoke and I hoped she hadn’t heard me, but as her smile widened and she crossed her arms over her chest smugly I knew the damage was done. “So that’s why you’re upset. You’re embarrassed cause the guy you like saw your underwear and now he probably doesn't think you’re sexy. I mean it’s understandable.” 

I fought the urge to wipe her smug grin off her face and instead spoke in a tone way too defensive “I do not like him and couldn’t give two shits if he thought I was sexy.” This only made her grin widen even further and my growing blush worsen. I groaned at the sight and went back to mixing the batter in front of me. I apparently was in a cupcake mood as that’s what I decided to make with it.

“What are you making?” Mal questioned as I moved to grab some cream cheese and raspberries from the fridge and I shrugged in response because I truly didn’t know. I had finished the chocolate cake batter and now started on a filling. I heard Mal’s phone buzz and she grabbed it at lightning speed while smiling at her screen. I raised my eyebrows in reaction to her sudden movement and she gave me an apologetic glance before hurriedly typing out a response. It was now my turn to question her and she seemed to realize this as she innocently looked at me before trying to dip her finger in the chocolate batter.

I swatted her hand away and put my hands on my hips while tilting my head at her accusingly. She sighed and started to blush before I even asked the question she knew was on my mind. “So who is he?” I suddenly spoke and Mal flushed even further before smiling and quietly muttering “Jimin” in response. I kind of expected his name even though I constantly teased her for ‘liking the enemy’. Before I could question her further though, the oven dinged and the front door swung open against the bells above it, signalling a new customer. “Literally saved by the bell.” I spoke as I went to the oven.

She darted to the front of the store leaving me confused as she never was excited to greet customers. I shook it off and pulled the cupcakes from the oven, continuing to mix the filling for my new batch as they cooled. After placing the chocolate batter in a greased tin and placing them in the oven, I walked out of the kitchen, wiping my hands on my apron, and froze. Of course it wasn’t just a customer that had come in. It was Jimin and behind him stood an amused looking Namjoon. I rolled my eyes at the sight and overheard Mal and Jimin talking about their plans for the evening. I smiled slightly hearing them so excited and watching them act like love sick puppies.

“Wow you sure know how to greet your customers huh?” Spoke a familiar voice and my smile vanished. I still hadn’t come up with my plan to get him back and I honestly didn’t have the patience to face him while wearing lace. That he had bought.

“I wouldn’t consider you a customer, more like a nuisance.” I spoke boldly and his signature wicked grin appeared. Before he could speak up again Mal put her hand on my shoulder. “I’ve just had a great idea.” She spoke loudly, gaining everyone's attention. “Oh no.” I mumbled at the glint in her eyes. “Why don’t you and Namjoon join me and Jimin tonight? I’m sure staying here all night can’t possibly be better than mini golf and ice cream.” She spoke sweetly but I knew better. 

Jimin instantly agreed and I saw a similar look of dread on Namjoon’s face as I turned to face him. It quickly vanished though as he replaced it with a cocky smirk and made eye contact with me as she spoke “That is a great idea. It’s a date.” I almost choked on my spit at his words but before I could retort, he glanced at his watch and got Jimin’s attention as they had to head back to their shop. “See you at closing, Moonlight.” He winked after his words and was out the door. I saw Mal turn to me with eyebrows raised and knew she was going to question the nickname but the oven dinged once again and I sheepishly told her, “Saved by the bell?”

I had finished my new cupcakes and placed them out to be sold when shockingly they sold out. I had to remake them twice throughout the day but had yet to come up with a name for them. Before I could though, it was closing time and Jimin and Namjoon had come back to the shop, ready to go mini golfing. I cursed myself for wearing a short sundress and jean jacket as Seoul decided wind was a great idea tonight. I locked the door to the shop and we headed off. Before we got too far, however, Namjoon pulled me back to walk with him and leaned into my ear as he spoke “Hope you’re wearing one of my presents tonight under that dress, Moonlight.” I felt my jaw drop as he let go of my arm and innocently smiled before walking off to join Jimin and Mal.

This was going to be a long night.

Walking to mini golf felt like an eternity with Namjoon standing next to me, towering over my frame, and with Mal and Jimin giggling and holding hands in front of us. I didn’t realize I was staring at them until a chuckle sounded from next to me. “What?” I asked him questioningly. He smiled softly at me and I felt my heart clench at the sight. This was the first time he had looked at me with anything other than cockiness or venom in his eyes. I brushed off the feeling as shock and waited for him to reply. 

“You just had a funny face is all. You looked bored, angry and like you were plotting some evil plan all at once.” He spoke jokingly and I sighed at his answer. “Why does everyone say that?” I groaned and Namjoon looked at me confused but intrigued. I answered the question I knew he was about to ask, “Everyone says I look like I’m plotting something and I never am. I don’t plot anything. Ever.” Namjoon just laughed lightly at that and looked up at the setting sun.

“If it means anything, you look cute when you plot how to escape third-wheeling. You furrow your eyebrows and squint your eyes and get all focused.” He looked sheepish as he finished his statement and scratched at his neck before he shoved his hands in his pockets. I felt heat rise to my cheeks and cleared my throat before retorting. “Don’t think you can just try to smooth talk me and make me forgive you for your little prank last night.” I sounded much more confident than I felt and I praised whatever higher power for giving me that strength.

Namjoon smirked but it wasn’t cocky like it usually was. He hung his head down and shook his head while smiling, dimples proudly on display. We were quiet for a while after that but soon we were at the mini golf place and practically pulled inside by Mal and Jimin. The interior was dark and covered in blacklights and neon paints lit up the otherwise hidden walls and courses. Jimin paid for Mal and I went to grab my wallet when Namjoon stopped me with his question of “What color ball do you want, Moonlight?”. I quirked a brow at him in slight protest before he tilted his head at me in response and sighed out a ‘green’ in indignation.

He grinned in triumph as he received our balls and the score card from the teenage cashier. He tossed me my green ball which I easily caught and rolled my eyes as he led me to the first hole. My worn, white shoes lit up under the lights as well as Namjoon’s shirt under his flannel and warm looking jacket. He boyishly smiled at the sight and his eyes widened as he did so. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight of him acting like a little kid and he looked like a deer in headlights as he realized he was caught. 

I placed my ball down after Mal hugged a blushing Jimin for getting a hole in one and was ready to give a half assed attempt at hitting the ball before Namjoon asked in shock “What are you doing?” like I was committing a crime. I stood up straight in confusion and lazily gestured to my ball before responding plainly “Playing mini golf. It’s not like I’m trying to win or anything.” I leaned back over before he moved towards me. I stood up again and held out my hand for him to stop before speaking again.

“No. Absolutely not. You’re not about to pull some cheesy rom com bullshit on me where the guy goes behind the girl to ‘help with her technique’. Go stand by that neon pink dick on the wall and look pretty while I take five attempts at getting this ball in the hole.” I pointed my finger at the wall as I spoke and he laughed loudly at my speech before raising his hands in surrender and stepping close to the wall with said spray painted neon pink dick. He crossed his arms and challenged me with his eyes to do as I said I would.

“Thank you.” I curtsied in my sundress and he laughed in response. It took me four tries before I finished while Namjoon got it in two and we walked to the next hole before realizing Mal and Jimin were far ahead of us. I sighed at the sight of the next 17 holes and Namjoon nudged me with his elbow. “You know, the tickets for mini golf also came with unlimited arcade credits.” he pointed his head in the direction of the arcade on the other side of the courses. I smiled and started walking towards the bright lights and sounds of the games being played before speaking over my shoulder “I’ll kick your ass in skeeball.” 

“You’re a cheater.” Namjoon spoke grumpily as I won another game and beat him. We played a few rounds of skeeball then moved on to air hockey where he destroyed me and I sulked until we played mario kart where I came in second to him again. I pouted until he led me to the basketball game where I beat his ass twice. 

I laughed at his words as we walked to the counter for prizes. “I never cheat. You just chose to get your ass handed to you by a girl. It’s okay, Joon. Happens to the best of us.” He stopped moving and smiled and I grabbed his wrist to drag him to the counter before dropping all our tickets onto it. “Stop smiling like a doofus and get me that angry minion.” I put my hands on my hips as I spoke and he looked at the worker before saying “You heard the lady.” and pushing our tickets to them. 

He kept smiling and looking at his shoes as if they were incredibly interesting before I flicked his shoulder and asked him “What are you smiling at?” He shook his head and grabbed the minion from the employee’s hand and mine in his other hand. I blushed lightly at the sudden contact and moved to keep up with him. “You called me Joon. It’s cute. I usually reserve that nickname for family and close friends so the fact I’m not throwing your ass outside and blocking off all contact with you is a shock to us all.”

I laughed at his statement and we soon ran into Mal and Jimin who looked equally smug and love sick as ever. Mal looked down to our still interlocked hands and I quickly withdrew mine from Namjoon’s grasp before speaking. “So. Ice cream anyone?”

The walk to the parlor was quiet and Namjoon looked deep in thought as his hands were shoved in his pockets and his brows were furrowed. The ice cream shop we were going to wasn’t even a real shop as it was a cart with outdoor seating under strung lights and wooden beams. The wind had only gotten worse as the night went on so the cold was brutal against my exposed skin. I pulled my surprisingly thin jean jacket tight around my frame and moved my hands quickly up and down my arms in an attempt to gain some warmth. Suddenly a hand stopped my quick movements and I was pulled into a firm body. I looked up in shock as Namjoon hugged me tightly against him and wrapped his arms around my waist.

I tried to push away from him but he was so warm I was finding it hard to resist. “Stop pushing, Moonlight. Put your arms inside my jacket, it’ll warm you up.” I eyed him suspiciously and he sighed before rolling his eyes and starting to pull away. I practically shouted in protest as I felt the sudden frigid wind hit me again. I hesitantly listened to him and leaned fully against him with my arms inside of his incredibly warm jacket.

“Who’s bullshit idea was it to get ice cream outside.” I grumbled against his chest. I felt the vibrations of him laughing at my words and felt soothed at the sensation. I closed my eyes and released a breath I hadn’t known I was holding in. His arms rubbed up and down my back and I felt tension leave my body as we started to sway side to side. “I’m still pissed at you.” I spoke again and I felt him look down at me. I met his amused eyes and put my chin on his chest as I looked up at him. “Damn, you mean my plan to woo you and make you fall for me so you’ll forget how mad you are hasn’t worked yet?” 

I smiled at him and breathily laughed before speaking with new found confidence. “Barely. It might’ve worked if I wasn’t wearing red lace all day with no one to admire. It’s frustrating really. If only I were wooed.” 

Nobody could have prepared me for the absolute chaos that came from joining Jimin and Mal on their date. It was only the next morning and my phone hadn’t stopped buzzing due to texts and calls from Mal. I only briefly glanced at them before I went to sleep the night before and knew she was begging for “details” of the night she imagined happened. Namjoon had walked me back to our building after we finished up our ice cream. We walked in silence with our hands brushing slightly with every sudden movement. After a few blocks I crossed my arms over my chest, too high off the feeling of his skin against mine, no matter how miniscule and told myself it was due to how cold I was. 

I was utterly dumbfounded. Yes, Namjoon was undeniably attractive and we had gotten along well throughout our night together but he was still Namjoon. The guy stealing my business, my noisy neighbor who replaced all my underwear, the jerk who couldn’t even attempt to spell my name right, Namjoon. He made my blood boil and my heart race but it was beginning to get confusing as I couldn’t distinguish the anger for something else. We parted ways as he stopped in front of his door and I kept walking to mine. I thought he was about to speak but I had already opened my door and rushed in before he could utter a single syllable.

Sleep didn’t come easy, and before I knew it I had tossed and turned until 5am. I sighed and pushed myself up to get ready. I clearly wasn’t going to rest and the only form of relaxation I knew was a few blocks down the road. I shrugged on my clothes after a quick shower and grabbed my keys before heading out. I froze as I heard the door next to mine open as I was locking my own and willed myself to not look at him as I heard the footsteps suddenly stop just like mine had.

I finished locking my door and turned in the direction of the elevator without making any effort to actually walk towards it. Namjoon quickly closed and locked his door and suddenly we were in a silent battle of who would speak first. Shy glances and nervous movements could only do so much and he seemed to grow tired of it as he spoke up first. “Early morning?” He asked as he reached up to scratch at the back of his neck awkwardly. It seemed to be a nervous habit of his but before I could think about what that made me feel I responded. “Couldn’t sleep.” I spoke sheepishly and played with my hands in front of me.

I took in a breath and looked up with a smile as I walked to the elevator behind him. He joined me and soon the doors were closing behind us. “Was I too loud or anything? I was kinda up all night too. Just...thinking.” He grew quiet as he finished and I assured him it had nothing to do with him. At least I think so. We once again started walking down the road to our respective shops by each other's side. Our hands brushed again and I praised the yawn that left my body as it gave me an excuse to move my hand away from his. He looked over at me and once again looked like he wanted to say something. This time, however, I let him say what was on his mind.

“Do you maybe want a coffee? I mean that’s at least why I left my place.” I looked up at him and blinked away the tears that had formed due to my yawning and saw something flash in his eyes and a small smile grow on his face. I was hesitant to spend more time alone with him but before I could deny him another yawn left me and he chuckled. “Come on, Moonlight, I think I know a good place.”

We made our way to the Hideout Cafe and he grabbed the keys from his back pocket before holding the door open for me. I smiled at him in thanks and took in the coffee shop once again. It was different at this time of day. The chairs were stacked up and pushed against the walls along with the wooden tables, the dim lights were calming as the sun had yet to rise and fill up the shop with its bright rays. Namjoon moved easily behind the counter and turned on some machines I didn’t recognize. I stood next to the door taking in all the artwork and posters lining the walls before I noticed a section at the corner of the shop. There was a wooden ledge lining the corner covered in pillows and soft looking blankets. The lights hanging above it made it look inviting and I slowly walked towards the bookcases on the wall next to the makeshift reading nook.

I looked at the familiar and unknown titles until I heard Namjoon call for me. I turned to answer him only to see him walking towards me. “I didn’t see this here the first time I came.” I spoke softly and he smiled at me before pulling a book off the ledge and placing it on the shelf where it belonged. “When I bought this place the corner seat was already here so it just felt right to add everything else.” He shrugged as he spoke but the almost longing look he wore towards the books told me there was something more to his story.

He turned to me again as he spoke “What would you like?” and his right arm stretched out to the chalkboard menu above the counter. I walked with him to stand in front of it to get a better look but couldn’t decide. I bit down on my lip in concentration as I tried to figure out something right to order. I didn’t want to get something embarrassing and ‘basic’ but I wanted something that tasted good. Namjoon stood next to me and looked at the side of my face before I decided to say what I thought was a good answer. “Surprise me.”

And surprise me, he definitely did. I moved to lean against the counter as I watched him work. We talked about random facts and our favorite things and every few minutes I would ask what he was making before he would continue to avoid my question. After a seemingly never ending wait he handed me my to go cup with steam and an addicting aroma wafting up to my nose. He already looked smug before I even took a sip and I knew it was going to be good. I took the lid off to let it cool off and smell it clearly. Fed up with my stalling, Namjoon rolled his eyes and ordered me to drink it. I huffed out a sigh and did as he said. I was right. It was good. Before I could stroke his ego with my full review of the magical drink in my hands I had to open up my own shop.

That didn’t cause the image of him smirking and calling out to me “Bye, Moonlight.” to leave my mind for the rest of the day. If anything it only made me long to see him even sooner. Mal had burst into the shop on schedule and I prepared myself for her interrogation. “Well you two were certainly cozy last night. It’s truly amazing how well you can get along with others when you aren’t trying to rip their head off.” I rolled my eyes before changing the subject. “I was only trying to get close to him and make him think I don’t have my next prank planned and ready to go.” 

Mal laughed at my words before looking me in the eye and speaking confidently, “If you wanted my help coming up with a prank you could’ve just asked instead of lying.” I laughed before looking at her with pleading eyes. “My God you’re hopeless.” She sighed and I silently cheered as I knew she was going to help.

A few google searches, texts to Jimin, and a visit to a public library copy machine later we were ready. It was still only noon and I sent Mal out to put up all the flyers we had made before taking a lunch break together. I was nervous to see how this went. I wouldn’t be around him all day and I was relying on updates from Jimin to see how everything was going. All I could gather from the last text Mal had received and read out to me was that Namjoon was pissed. Mission accomplished. 

Walking to my building on my own felt lonely after having someone with me the night before and this morning. I brushed that thought aside as I knew Namjoon would be home soon as I saw Jimin turning the ‘Open’ sign on the door to the Hideout Cafe to ‘Closed’ before giving me a wink. 

I had made it to the elevator in the lobby before the door to the building opened behind me. I felt a shiver go down my spine in anticipation and excitement. Sure enough a tired and annoyed looking Namjoon stood next to me while glaring down at his phone. I bit back my laugh and pressed the button for our floor in silence. He leaned his head back onto the elevator wall and let out a deep breath. I started to feel guilty but he didn’t know I was to blame for the likely endless calls he had received today so I swallowed my fear and walked to my door as the elevator came to a stop at our floor. 

I was putting my key into the lock when I heard a deep groan and ringtone start to play loudly. I couldn’t help the smile on my face as I heard Namjoon angrily speak into the phone “No this is not the number for Chewbaca roaring contest, please don’t call again.” before hanging up. I laughed before clamping a hand over my mouth quickly, but it was too late. Namjoon looked over at me and realization flashed across his face followed my anger and...hurt? He opened his door before slamming it behind him and I continued to laugh until I made my way inside my own apartment. That’s when the confusion hit. Why did the hurt look on his face make me feel guilty all over again?

I woke up not being able to breathe. My eyes were open wide and I continued to cough and wheeze, trying to desperately fill my burning lungs with the air they craved. I threw my duvet off my body and fell to the floor of my bedroom coughing with tears streaming down my face. 

“Y/N run!” 

No. This isn’t real. It’s all a dream. My head was tormenting me with memories from that night. My chest started to rise and fall frantically due to the lack of oxygen and the flashing images behind my eyelids.

“Help! Please someone help me!” I was running around the hoards of people filling my street and in front of my house. There were red and blue lights flashing and blurring my vision until all I saw was a kaleidoscope of the two colors.

I clamped my hands over my ears and let out a violent sob. I couldn’t see clearly in front of me. There was a thin fog covering the room and burning my eyes.

I fell to my knees and sobbed until I was mobbed by a herd of paramedics and police officers. I was hysterical. “Please, just help me please! They're still inside please, they were on the second floor please!” I pushed away hands full of gauze and bandages, trying to get them to just understand. “My mom and sister are still inside please! Go get them” All of my senses were overpowered by fiery embers and heat, yet I could see more clearly than ever as a firefighter walked quickly to a police officer helping to try and calm me down. I was zeroed in on the interaction and would never forget the feeling of my heart dropping and shattering when they pulled away and looked back on me with that undeniable look of pity on their faces.

I screamed and felt all of the life leave my body as I fell to the asphalt below me. There was silence. I couldn’t hear my screams of agony, feel the hands pulling me up and into an ambulance, taste the smoke that I had been choking on earlier, smell the burnt remnants of my home that had gone up in flames, or see anything aside from the flashing images of my mother and sister in my mind.

I was rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently, and sobbing as I curled into myself at the foot of my bed. I felt my body being shaken and shot my eyes open to see the concerned face of Mal above me. Her hands were on my shoulders and she was calling out my name. I launched into her arms and continued sobbing into her shoulder. She brushed her hands through my hair and held me until I was only hiccuping every few seconds. 

“I came to check up on you because I know 5 years is a big anniversary. What happened? I could smell that air freshener from the elevator.” She spoke softly as she looked into my eyes with concern. I furrowed my brows in confusion before looking around the room. “What? It’s not the 14th yet, Mal. Right?” She pulled my phone off the nightstand and showed me the screen with the date I’ve despised for the past 5 years on the screen. I felt my heart drop and tears well up all over again. I blinked them back before continuing to answer her second question.

“I don’t know what happened. I woke up and I couldn’t breathe or see clearly. What do you mean you could smell the air freshener? I didn’t spray anything.” As I calmed down more I could smell the overpowering scent of fruit and hibiscus. I scrunched up my face and gagged at the suffocating aromas. Mal furrowed her brows and grabbed an almost empty aerosol can of air freshener from beside her. “I mean I assumed you didn’t do this since I had to cut a zip tie off of it. Babe, I think you were pranked.” It made sense. The surprise and shock of it, the zip tie, all of it. 

I shook my head and moved to stand up. “What are you doing?” Mal questioned. I moved to my closet and grabbed some jeans and an old t-shirt. “Getting ready for work. I was pranked, it’s not the end of the world or a reason for me to stop living life as per usual.” I couldn’t meet her eyes as I spoke. I didn’t want to talk about what had happened. Especially today. Mal sighed before standing as well. “I know it still hurts. Anyone in your place would feel the exact same way. But it’s been 5 years since that fire and I know the anniversaries always hit you harder as the years go by. When you choose to talk to me, I’ll be here.”

I nodded my head as I held onto my clothes for the day. 5 years. 5 years. They died exactly 5 years ago today and I still missed them like it was day one. I let out a sigh before starting to get dressed.

I spent all day in the bakery trying to avoid all my emotions I had kept bottled up. It was getting harder to ignore everything but being in my safe place usually made it bearable. However, today I was confused. Customers kept asking for refunds repeatedly throughout the day and I didn’t understand why. I baked everything fresh this morning, the same as I always have. Even my regulars were complaining and throwing perfectly fine food into the trash. It seemed like the cherry on top of everything that had happened already. Mal and I struggled to find the answer for hours. We retraced and rebaked until our heads were spinning.

I was dealing with a new customer who was demanding a refund when the answer became clear. “It’s just pure salt! Honestly how can you run a bakery and mix up your salt and sugar!” I froze. The customer continued to rant but I felt like I was underwater. I know for a fact I had used the sugar. I hadn’t mixed up like that since I was a child experimenting at home. I quickly apologised and handed the customer their money before rushing back to the kitchen. Mal had watched the encounter and followed quickly behind me. I practically threw the sugar container onto my work table before ripping off the plastic lid. I put my finger inside and tasted the white contents. Salt. I was dumbfounded. How could this have happened.

The bell above the shop sounded and I walked out to greet the customer while trying to hide the confusion on my face. I walked in view of my “customer” and felt like a brick wall had collapsed onto me. I felt the pricking of tears behind my eyes and my mouth grew dry at the sight. Namjoon was standing in front of the register looking smug as ever and I felt utterly stupid. 

“What’s wrong, Moonlight? Shop’s empty, looks like you’ve been having some trouble with customer satisfaction today. Wonder why.” I untied my apron and tossed it off quickly before going to the back to grab my things. Mal looked up at my sudden appearance and I spoke before she could. “You know what, you were right. Today is a big deal. I’m closing up for the rest of the day. It’s too much.” I was trembling as I grabbed my purse and walked out to avoid her concerned gaze. Namjoon was still standing at the register as I walked to the front door. He looked confused and worried but I bit my lip hard to avoid crying in front of him. 

“Hey, what’s wrong. It was just a prank I didn’t think-” I turned around to face him and pointed my finger at him. “You’re a fucking asshole you know? This is my livelihood and my everything. I could’ve maybe handled you fucking with my business any other day of the year but today it’s way too much. Whatever prank war or competition we were doing to spite each other is done. Congrats! You won. Now never touch me or my things or come into my apartment or store ever again.” The tears were freely flowing down my face but I didn’t care. 

“Wait, Moonli-” Namjoon reached out for me but I turned and opened the door before he could finish. “And don’t call me that. You don’t know me. I don’t know you. What’s the point of stupid nicknames for people you don’t really know or want to talk to ever again.” I walked out before he could stop me again, not halting until I was at my apartment. I locked the door behind me and fell onto the couch with sobs and memories of laughter and people I’ll never get back lulling me to sleep.

Coping has always been difficult for me. I never really understood that I could let out my emotions and talk about them with people without being judged or told it’s not important. It only got harder for me when my mom and sister died five years ago. I never talked about it. I avoided the emotions and my guilt and pain from that day for five years and I was only hurting more as a result. I was curled up on my couch under a fuzzy blanket with tears streaming down my face, but I didn’t feel anything besides numbness. I wasn’t struggling to catch my breath or having sobs shake my body, I was numb. I was on my couch for what felt like infinity but realistically was probably a few hours. It was dark outside and no matter how exhausted I was, I knew sleep would never come.

I heard a soft knock at my door and made no move to answer it. My phone was abandoned on the coffee table and hadn’t been touched since I first came home. I knew Mal had been trying to reach me as the vibrations hadn’t stopped all day. The knocking came again, louder this time. I took as deep of a breath that I could manage before moving to sit up. I pulled my blanket tight around my body as I walked to the door. I didn’t check the peep hole because nothing mattered to me anymore. I didn’t care.

I unlocked the door and opened it to see a worried Namjoon….I still didn't know his last name. Further proof of why he shouldn’t be here and why I shouldn’t feel warm inside that he is. He looked up to meet my eyes and his expression fell into a sorrowful one laced with confusion. I turned back around and walked towards my couch, not in the mood for formalities.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke softly yet confident as I sat down. I huffed out a laugh and shook my head. “Why are you here?” I croaked out. He took a step closer and I felt my body tense slightly. He stopped moving before answering, “Why would I be anywhere else? I hurt you and I need you to know it wasn’t my plan for that to happen.” He started to scratch the back of his neck and I sighed.

“It’s not your fault.” My voice was shaky and my eyes filled with tears. I cleared my throat and looked up at him. He looked sad and curious and I knew I couldn’t keep it all in anymore. I scooted over on my couch and motioned my hand for him to join me. He hesitantly obeyed but never took his gaze off of me. “I need to be honest.” I spoke softly. He moved his hand above my shoulder to comfort me, before moving it back to his lap. I took in a breath before speaking about something I thought would be internalized forever.

“Five years ago I lived in a small town in Colorado. I had lived there my whole life and was happy. It was just my mom, sister, and I in a small house with a gorgeous view of the mountains. Mal lived in the neighborhood with us and we’ve basically been joint at the hip since birth.” I stopped as the night came back to me. I closed my eyes tightly and Namjoon turned towards me. I don’t know why, but I reached out and grasped his hand. He squeezed my smaller one tightly before rubbing circles into the back of my palm with his thumb.

“One night, we were having a sleepover. We were 18 but acted like children so we made a blanket fort in the living room. We watched movies all night and eventually we decided to go to my room so we could sleep. We thought we unplugged everything but we were tired and there was a stupid fucking candle. My room was on the first floor but my mom and sister’s were on the second.” I felt Namjoon squeeze my hand tighter and I let out a choked sob. He pulled me into his arms and rocked me slowly.

I cried into his chest as his hands rubbed my back soothingly. After I started to calm down a bit, I pulled back a bit to look at him. “We made it out. The neighbors had already called but there was no way they could’ve made it down the stairs without being trapped by the fire. I did it. I killed them. It’s been five years today and I’ve never talked about it. So it’s not your fault, Joon. It’s all mine because I’m too much of a coward to accept what I did five years ago.”

Namjoon gently placed his hand on my face and turned it to look into his eyes. “It never has been, and never will be your fault. It was an accident. Don’t carry that guilt because it’s not true. Okay?” I felt more tears flow and he wiped them away. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you, it’s just that baking is how I try to cope. I mean I still bottled up everything so I guess it didn’t work too well but-” Namjoon cut me off with his next words. I was shocked after he did. He looked into my eyes with nothing but kindness and genuity. 

“Teach me how to bake.” 

“What?” I started to wonder if confiding in him was the right choice since it seemed that he didn’t even know how to listen to me.

“You said it helps you cope, and it clearly makes you happy. I want you to start learning that it's okay to not get over something as big as that in one conversation. And that it’s not your fault. It’ll take time. So we’re going to bake something and talk about whatever you want to until you accept that it’s not your fault. We may bake a lot of things since this is gonna take a while, but I’ll be here until that day comes. I also really want to see you be happy right now. So teach me how to bake and I’ll teach you whatever you want in return.”

I was in awe. I didn’t know why he cared so much but I knew he was right. It was going to take some time and he clearly wanted to start now. I stood up and started walking to my kitchen. He followed behind me and stood awkwardly in the doorway, looking around the array of ingredients I pulled out. It was only flour, sugar, eggs, and butter but he already looked stressed. He let out a breath and pulled off his jacket as I reached to grab some mixing bowls and measuring cups. “So what do you want to bake?” I asked him so I could narrow down the necessary tools and ingredients. 

“A cake?” He shrugged his shoulders and I smiled at his seemingly nervous behavior. “Ask me. It makes it seem more official and I like hearing you ask to be taught something you don’t know.”  He smiled before rolling his shoulders back and dramatically clearing his throat. And so he asked, “Y/N, will you please teach me how to bake a cake?” and I did.

The week following our first “lesson” was only filled with constant interaction and more lessons. At first we only baked random sweets while dancing around to whatever song came on shuffle through my bluetooth speaker. We talked about our loves and passions and sometimes we touched on my mom and sister but Namjoon would never push me too far. I knew the feelings I was starting to harbor for him were more than platonic. It wasn’t just his looks or stupid jokes or smile at my even worse jokes. I was the little things. 

It was his caring heart. ‘Teach me to bake in a bakery.’ “So why do you add that if it’s not in the recipe?” he questioned me with a slight tilt of his head. “Because it’s the secret ingredient, Joon. And if I find out you tell anyone what it is I’ll burn down your coffee shop. Okay?” His eyebrows raised and his eyes widened before a boyish grin spread across his face. “Jeez, what’s with you and fire?” I tensed slightly but before I could feel any negative emotion, Namjoon lightly touched my arm and turned me to meet his pleading gaze. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it like-” I cut him off with a flurry of giggles and my hunched over frame. “Why are you apologizing? I am really shit when it comes to fire safety.” I winked at him and saw him relax. With him around, it was okay. He cared.

It was his patience. ‘Teach me to make a beat’ “Ughhhh. Joon, I’m never going to get this right.” The throbbing in my fingertips and crease in my brow due to my frustration were evident. “Moonlight, it takes practice. And a good teacher always helps, hence why I’m here. You’re gonna get it, just try again.” He was seated next to me at his impressive studio desk trying to correctly position my randomly placed snare drum and bass sounds on the program in front of us. If it wasn’t his equipment I would have thrown it all at the wall ages ago. I sighed and sat up straighter in his desk chair before moving around some of the beats and trying again to make something that didnt sound like a middle school band warming up, or just a total cluster fuck of noises. Namjoon hummed along to the beat of the song I was “creating” and while it was incredibly off beat and by no means perfect, it was an incredible improvement. “See! I knew you could do it.” I smiled widely, matching his own. “How are you so optimistic and patient? You literally just sat through an hour of me butchering your presets with a smile the whole time.” He laughed before grabbing the instrument from my arms. “Because it’s you.”

It was determination. ‘Teach me to appreciate Shakespeare’ “Wait so Juliet is actually dead now? How did Romeo not even check to see if she was breathing?” Namjoon spoke confused. “She was in a tomb and looked pretty dead. All he knew is that his true love was dead and they were supposed to run away together.” I closed my copy of Romeo and Juliet and continued playing with his hair in my lap. “Huh. But why kill himself? And why would she do the same? Why couldn’t she just tell him her plan so that this wouldn’t have happened?” His hand gestured wildly in front of him and I looked down at his head that he had moved to my lap during the final act of the play with a smile. “That’s the tragedy of it all. They were so close to being together and running off on their own with no judgement.” Namjoon sat up at my answer and looked me in the eye as he spoke once more, “I guess you taught me how to appreciate Romeo and Juliet so congrats. But you still didn’t answer my other questions. Why would they see that the only option was death?” I looked away before answering. “I guess we all just want somebody to die for.”

It was his knowledge. ‘Teach me the best movies’ “Well we obviously have to watch The Godfather if you want to review the best movies of all time.” Namjoon had just come back to his living room with a bowl of popcorn as I settled into his couch with a fluffy blanket. “Well I’ve never seen it so I guess it wouldn’t be a review for me.” I spoke casually as Namjoon sat next to me under the blanket. He turned to me so fast I thought he might snap his neck. “You’ve never seen my favorite movie of all time? Okay we definitely need to start there.” I laughed as he pressed play. “I never watch movies. I just feel like I have more important things in life to spend my time on.” He looks offended as he processes my words. “I’m just going to pretend I didn’t just hear that.”

It was all these things about him and more. I was falling for Kim Namjoon more than I thought possible. I also finally learned his surname during a slightly embarrassing lesson of ‘Teach me your last name’. Currently we were still in our lesson about movies. Namjoon was insistent I was “educated” and no matter how hard I tried to watch the movie, I couldn’t concentrate. When I looked around all I saw was Namjoon. Namjoon’s apartment,Namjoon’s couch, Namjoon’s arm around my shoulders, Namjoon’s favorite movie playing, Namjoon’s blanket covering my body, Namjoon’s incredibly soft and cozy hoodie he let me wear, Namjoon. Thankfully my lack of concentration and stream of thoughts were broken by the man himself.

 About 10 minutes into the film, Namjoon asks a question I wasn’t expecting. “Wait so since you don’t watch movies, what did you have in the background during makeout sessions growing up?” He threw some popcorn in his mouth as I froze. He turned back to me at my lack of response. “Um, nothing?” I spoke timidly. “Wow, straight to the point, huh?” I shook my head and spoke the embarassing truth, “No I just, I’ve never been kissed. So there really wasn’t ever the chance to put something on.” I turned away from him, scared of him laughing in my face. Instead he just spoke “Bullshit. There’s no way nobody’s kissed you before.” I looked at his stupidly charming grin and said, “Well it’s not bullshit. And why are you so shocked?” He looked at me like I was stupid before stating “Because you’re beautiful.” He spoke the words like it was obvious. 

After a moment of silence, I turned my attention back to the movie playing but I couldn’t focus. I played with my fingers until Namjoon spoke softly “I can teach you, if you want” and I stopped moving completely. “But only if you’re okay with that” he blushes and hurriedly adds. I stopped his rambling though as I nodded my head with a quiet “okay”. I watched as his eyes widened. He fumbled for words a little before he moved impossibly closer and leaned in. He hesitated though and pulled away to my confusion. “You have to ask me. It’s our rule.” He says it almost playfully but the look in his eyes contradicts his playful smirk. I knew he wanted my full consent before doing anything.

 I let out a nervous laugh before uttering the words, “Teach me how to kiss.” And he does.

I dreamed of Namjoon and soft yet heated kisses that night. Waking up, I was confused to see the surroundings of his apartment lit by the soft glow of sunlight peeking through the curtains. I froze as I felt movement under my head. I was fully resting on top of Namjoon with my ear pressed to his chest and I smiled as I heard the beating of his heart. He suddenly  took in a deep breath and moved around a bit and I quickly shut my eyes, hoping to stay in this moment for as long as possible. I didn’t know how he felt about last night. Was he only teaching me as a friend? Did he feel even half of what I felt for him? 

His lips were soft as they pressed against mine and I hesitantly returned the kiss. His right hand came to cup my face softly as his head tilted slightly. I felt my heart pounding and the blood coursing through my body like electricity. I pulled away from him slowly, anxious for his next words. “Was that okay?” I spoke quietly and after a moment of silence I looked up to meet his eyes. He didn’t speak, instead he kissed me again with more emotions present than before. I placed my hands onto his chest before moving them to the nape of his neck. I played with the small curls there and felt him shiver in response. He was the one to pull away this time and he moved his hands to my hips before pulling me onto his lap. I was now straddling him and dazed at the sight of his flushed face and red lips. “You’re a natural, Y/N, and as much as I’m enjoying this I think I asked you what you played in the background when you made out with someone.”

My racing thoughts and fluttering heart came to an abrupt halt as I felt Namjoon lean down awkwardly to press his lips against the top of my head. I couldn’t help the wide grin that appeared as a result of his action. I opened one eye and turned to look up at him. He chuckled as he realized he had been caught. “Mornin’, Moonlight” He spoke in his gravely morning voice. I felt my cheeks start to ache slightly due to the size of my smile. “Good morning, Joon” I could only manage a whisper, too scared to shatter the blissful sight and moments of this morning. 

We stared at each other for a bit until the buzzing of Namjoon’s phone caught our attention. Jimin was calling him, however, he made no move to answer it until I pinched his side gently with a glare. “Not answering your best friend’s call is rude you know.” He rolled his eyes playfully before declining the call completely. “Yeah, well calling your best friend while he’s cuddling with a gorgeous girl this early is even worse.” He smirked at me and I sat up slowly while he groaned at the loss of warmth. I moved to straddle his lap and played with his soft hair while he looked up at me with a soft smile on his face. “Hey, what are you staring at, loser?” He shook his head softly and leaned into my hands in his hair.

“You.” He spoke softly with his eyes closed in bliss and a smile on his face and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning down and pressing my lips against his even if I had tried to. He smiled into the kiss before placing his hands onto my thighs and kissing me back. We moved together like a perfect symphony. A rolling wave on the ocean. Ink flowing against the page of a classic novel. I pulled away for air but stayed close to him as he moved his lips to my cheek and slowly kissed down to my neck and the sweet spot he had found the night before. 

“Namjoon” I sighed out as his lips worked against my neck sensually. I moved my hands to his hair and lightly tugged against the strands. He moaned against my neck and his teeth grazed a spot that had me shuddering and letting out a small whimper. He moved his head back up to face me. “Found it.” He stated cockily and I rolled my eyes before pressing my lips against his again, effectively wiping the smug smirk from his face. I felt his tongue brush against my lips and I decided to tease him before granting entrance. He grunted and bit my bottom lip lightly in frustration. I gasped at the sensation and he took the opportunity of my lips parting to explore the new territory.

“Joon, eventually we’re gonna have to go to work and open up for the day.” I spoke to rid my head of the memories of the night before. The groan he let out in response made the butterflies in my stomach appear. “Five more minutes” He muttered and I laughed before grabbing his phone on the coffee table to see how long we had before needing to leave before I gasped and my eyes widened. “Joon, get up. We’re so late, shit.” It was 10 AM and the shop should’ve been open two hours ago. He sat up slowly while squinting his eyes adorably. I shoved his phone into his hand and rushed off of him to head to my apartment for clean clothes. I heard a soft “Shit” as I closed the door behind me.

I bolted into my room and grabbed the first items I saw, which unknowingly included a baby pink, lace thong from Namjoon’s prank. I shoved my legs through my jean shorts and found some comfortable shoes before grabbing my keys and running out the door. Namjoon was already waiting by the elevator doors, tapping his foot impatiently. I let out a breathy laugh as I ran to meet him. He smiled at my presence before looking me up and down. He squinted slightly at the top of my head and laughed as the elevator doors opened. I patted my hair before feeling the slight knots left from not brushing it. As we moved down to the lobby I reached up to fix it as much as I could with my fingers before giving up and reaching for the hair tie around my wrist.

I lifted my arms up to gather all my hair into a messy ponytail and unbeknownst to me, my flowy top lifted up and revealed the baby pink  lace above the hem of my shorts. I heard Namjoon cough and clear his throat suddenly as my hands fell to my sides and the doors opened. “You okay, Joon?” I looked up to him and noticed a slight blush and flustered expression. He tightly smiled and nodded his head before grabbing my hand in his and guiding us out of our building. It was now my turn to blush at his sudden action and the feel of his hand in mine. 

We walked quickly so as to not be even more late to our own businesses. We approached the Hideout Cafe first and Namjoon reached into his back pocket for the keys to the shop. He kept his hand securely in mine as he tried to find the right key. He dropped the key ring onto the concrete before grumbling out some curses. I chuckled and leaned down in front of him to pick them up. I heard him choke out a gasp before I leaned back up to face him with a smile. He quickly took the keys from my hand and before I could think, he leaned down to kiss me before resting his forehead against mine and huskily whispering “I thought you threw out those fucking panties, babygirl.” He pulled back after kissing my cheek and he unlocked the shop before entering, leaving me hot and flustered on the sidewalk outside. 

The walk to my bakery after that was a blur. All I could sense was Namjoon. His whispers in my ear. His hand in mine. His shy smile full of dimples and crinkled eyes. His cologne surrounding me as I was in his arms. The taste of his kiss. The sight of his wink and smile as he walked into his shop. I barely realized I was inside the bakery until Mal called out for me.

“You okay, babe? You look pale.” I took in a deep breath before pushing her hands away from my face. “We need to talk. In the back. Now.” Her eyes widened and turned serious at my words. As I moved to the kitchen and started pacing, Mal moved to turn the ‘Open’ sign to ‘Closed’ before bolting to the back. She stood with her hands on her hips and eyed me pacing frantically before stopping me with a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

“Y/N, all you need to tell me is his first initial and I’ll find him within the week and beat his as-” I cut her off by blurting out “Namjoon and I kissed.” Her eyes widened once again and her jaw dropped before she started smugly smiling. She squealed and pulled me into a tight hug as she rambled about venues and summer versus spring weddings and I looked down at my shoes at her words. “So how did it happen? How long have you two been a thing and why didn’t I know sooner?” I sighed and looked at the excitement covering her face. “We’re not a ‘thing’ and we probably never will be. We’ve been hanging out a lot more recently and teaching each other our favorite things and last night we kissed a lot and I was on his lap and then I woke up with him on his couch and fuck, Mal I’m so scared.”

“Woah, hey what’s wrong? Did you not want him to kiss you?” I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. I really wanted him to kiss me. I really wanted to do it again. But I was really scared to admit it. I felt tears well up in my eyes and Mal pulled me into her arms and shushed my quiet sobs. “I really like him, Mal.” I whispered. She pulled back and brushed some hair out of my face before gently holding my face in her hands. “Then what’s so wrong about kissing the guy you like? He wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t at least slightly interested in you too.” 

I closed my eyes and saw his sleepy smile and bright eyes. I opened them again and voiced my fears, “Because I’m not good enough. He deserves so much more than some broken girl who’s too scared to kiss him in public or even admit to him how she feels. I’m fucked up, Mal. He doesn’t deserve someone like me.” Mal squinted her eyes as I finished.

“Are you done? Good. Number one, you might need to brush your teeth after spewing that much bullshit. Number two, you’re completely right. He doesn’t deserve someone like you. A beautiful, strong, kind, funny, talented, amazing woman who I’m lucky enough to call my best friend. So what if you’re scared about PDA, you said it yourself that you guys aren't anything official so that’s completely understandable. And number three, you never have been and never will be broken. You’ve gone through so much and no one expects you to be one hundred percent healed or back to normal after that. You are worth so much. Okay?” We were both crying as I nodded. I was lucky to have her.

“You’ve been so happy recently and I honestly feel dumb that I didn’t realize why sooner. If he makes you happy then talk to him about this. Let yourself have something good because you deserve it.” I thanked her and held her tightly. “Oh and don’t think you’re off the hook. We are definitely going to talk in full detail about last night and all those times you’ve ‘hung out’ alone together.” I laughed and rolled my eyes before wiping under my eyes. 

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” 

I was cleaning up the shop after closing for the day when the bell above the door sounded. I groaned as I realized I hadn’t locked it yet and now had to deal with late night customers. “We’re closed.” I called from the back, too tired to go up front. “Aw damn. Even for your favorite customer?” A familiar voice spoke in faux disappointment and I felt the butterflies burst to life in my stomach. I smiled and walked up to the register, suddenly full of energy. 

“Bold of you to assume you’re my favorite.” I tilted my head and watched him smile as I appeared. “And to think, I was going to surprise you with a date and everything.” Namjoon shook his head and shrugged his shoulders before turning to leave. I laughed before running to grab his arm. “Well I guess I can make an exception for my favorite customer. But just for tonight.” He turned to me with a bright smile and leaned in to kiss me. I pulled away from him before he could though. He looked confused but brushed it off. 

“I need an order of your best creation.” I bit my lip and thought about what I would make before remembering the cupcakes I had made a few weeks ago. I had thankfully scribbled down the recipe and knew they would be relatively easy. “Only if I have some company while I make it.” I turned to walk into the kitchen and felt his presence behind me. I grabbed all the ingredients listed in my binder of recipes and got to work. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Namjoon picking up the binder and inspecting the page with my messy scrawl. 

“I asked for company so I had someone to talk to, not someone to snoop around and be nosy.” I smiled but never shifted my attention to him. He breathed out a laugh and moved to stand behind me. I felt his arms wrap loosely around my waist and his head rested on my shoulder. He sighed against my back and I leaned into him slightly. “Why doesn’t this one have a name? All the other pages have names at the top but this one just had question marks.” 

“I just came up with this on a whim. Didn’t really have any names in mind. I guess I just forgot to come back to it.” I spoke truthfully as I stirred the ingredients together to form a smooth batter. Namjoon hummed in response and I continued working with his arms around me. When I had to place the cupcakes into the oven I nudged his arm with my elbow and he groaned. “‘M comfy.” He mumbled and I laughed as I struggled to unravel his frame from mine. 

“Weren’t you the one who promised a surprise date?” I reminded him and saw his eyes instantly light back up as a blush slowly appeared on his cheeks. “Do you want that?” He questioned silently and scratched at the back of his neck. I closed the oven and turned to face him with furrowed brows. “Want what? A surprise? Cause that’s kinda why I’m baking these-” “I meant the date. Did you want it to be a date? Because if you don’t then that’s fine too.” He cut me off with nerves lacing his words. 

“Yeah. I would love that. Why did you think I would say no?” I questioned with a matching blush on my face. “Well you just, you kinda rejected me up front when I tried to kiss you so.” I looked down in embarrassment before taking Mal’s advice from earlier. “I was just scared.” I paused and looked up to meet his eyes before continuing, “I really like you, Joon. I just didn’t want to get my hopes up by kissing you if you didn’t feel the same.” I played with my fingers anxiously as I waited for his response. He smiled largely before finally breaking the silence. “You don’t have to be scared, Moonlight. Cause I really like you too.”

When I finished up the cupcakes we packed them up and walked hand in hand to our date. I was giddy as we swung our hands between our bodies. When we stopped in front of the Hideout I was confused. “Is this your surprise? Making me another coffee at 10 PM?” I questioned him but he didn’t respond. He unlocked the door and held it open for me. I narrowed my eyes at his smug smile and walked into the dark shop. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the shop and looked around in confusion.

“Joon, I appreciate the effort but I-” I stopped speaking as the shop was suddenly lit up by the few strands of fairy lights in the corner by the reading area. I gasped at the sight. Instead of shelves of books and pillows, there were large, comfy blankets covering the entire section with Namjoon standing at the entrance holding a laptop. “I know it’s not much but I just thought it would be cute or that you would like it cause I remembered how much you liked it over here last time.” I walked up to meet him at the entrance with a large smile on my face. He looked nervous again and I couldn’t understand why. 

“It’s perfect, Joon. Thank you.” I leaned in to punctuate my statement with a short kiss before pulling back the blanket behind him to crawl into the makeshift fort. He entered a few seconds after me and settled on my right side before opening his laptop. While the shelves of books were covered on the outside of the fort, the interior was filled with the sight of them. The soft glow of the string lights and comfort of the pillows and blankets set the perfect environment for reading and I darted my eyes across the different titles in awe. 

“You there, Moonlight?” Namjoon called out and I shifted my gaze onto him easily. I raised my eyebrows and turned to face him, not realizing he had been calling for me. “I asked what movie you wanted to watch.” I felt my face flush for the millionth time that night and bit my lip as I debated on what I should answer. “Could we maybe read something instead?” I spoke hesitantly but the grin on his face as he shut his laptop eased my fears. “Whatever you want.” I smiled and grabbed the familiar title on my left. 

“Have you read this before?” I asked softly. He shook his head but never lost the small grin on his lips or diverted his eyes from mine. “Well it’s a personal favorite of mine, so get ready to experience literary genius.” I moved to get more comfortable and ended up laying on Namjoon’s chest while his hands played with my hair. 

“Chapter one.”

“Are you even listening to the story?” I questioned accusingly. Namjoon smiled innocently despite being caught staring at the side of my face for the third time in the past ten minutes. Meeting up after closing had become a routine for the two of us. He would meet me at the bakery and ‘help’ me bake something for the night ahead. Usually we get to the Hideout and read after eating a bit and get through at least a chapter or two before he distracts me with kisses or tickles. Tonight, however, Namjoon was dead set on staring into the side of my face laying on his chest. “Of course I’m listening, Moonlight. Why’d you stop?” He smirked and I rolled my eyes with a sigh before continuing.

“As he looked into her eyes he saw nothing but pain and sorrow. The guilt he felt consumed him but he had no choice. He turned away as he heard her choke out a heart wrenching sob-” I was cut off by Namjoon kissing me for the fifth time that night. I giggled lightly against his lips but made sure to keep my spot in our book. “Joon, it’s been four days and we’re still only on chapter 10 of 45. As much as I love your kisses, we need to actually read the book in order to finish it.” He moved his lips to my left cheek and down my jawline as I spoke.

I lightly pushed his head away and playfully glared at him while he pouted. “But it’s so sad. Honestly, I don’t know why she keeps going back to him and shit when he only hurts her. Guilty or not, he’s still fucked for cheating on her like that.” He reached for a leftover cupcake in the box next to him while I grinned. He let out a low moan as he took a bite and I felt my body ignite with heat. “Fuck, these are always so amazing. I can’t believe you don’t sell them anymore.” He spoke with his mouth partially full and I rolled my eyes at his boyish behavior.

“I’ve told you a million times, I can’t sell something without a name.” He threw his head back with a groan and I laughed at his frustration. “Well let’s come up with something then. It’s better than reading about heartbreak.” I sat up from my spot on his chest and faced him fully. “It needs a catchy name, that’s for sure. It also needs to hint at the surprise inside.” He licked the stray frosting around his mouth as he spoke animatedly. I took in the appearance of the man in front of me. He was in some basic sweatpants and a hoodie since after night two we had decided it was best to change into more comfortable clothes to read after closing.

“The surprise inside?” I laughed, “What, do you mean the filling?” He rolled his eyes and waved his hand in dismissal. “You know what I mean. You’re just not expecting it but it's a good surprise for sure.” His explanation brought a memory to mind.  

Sitting innocently on top of my dresser was a little note with his messy scrawl reading ‘Gotcha ;)’ 

“Gotcha.” I spoke quietly with a smile, remembering the first prank he had pulled on me so long ago. “What?” He questioned innocently, taking another bite of the cupcake in his hand while his free one came to rest on my thigh. “Gotcha. That’s what I’m naming it.” He furrowed his brow in confusion and tilted his head slightly to the side. He was silent for a bit before looking at me with hope and excitement. “Why?” He asked with fake confusion, but the giddy smile forming on his face revealed his true intentions. I smiled and sighed loudly before looking away dramatically. “I guess because it reminds me of the time a loser stole all my underwear and left me a note saying that on top of my dresser.” He laughed loudly and I turned to look at the sight of his bright eyes crinkled at the sides and his prominent dimples. 

“Fuck, you’re perfect.” He spoke softly with a look of fondness on his face. I flushed and looked down at the hand on my thigh that was rubbing soft circles. “Be my girlfriend.” I moved my head up so quickly I thought my neck would snap. “What?” I spoke in shock. “I don’t want someone else to be with you. And I really don’t want to be with anyone other than you. I know we’ve never really put an official label on anything but fuck it. So, will you?” He looked nervous but his eyes showed nothing but honesty.

“About damn time.” I spoke after releasing a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I grabbed his face and kissed him passionately. I was smiling widely but he didn’t mind as he moved his hand from my thigh to my waist. Our kisses turned heated as his tongue brushed across the seam of my lips urgently. I pulled back and leaned in to whisper in his ear, “I think you were right about movies. They make great background noise for making out.” His breath hitched and I watched as he fumbled for his laptop. I giggled and straddled his lap as he furiously typed in his password for Netflix.

I lightly feathered kisses onto his jaw and down his neck. I felt the vibrations as he groaned at my actions. “Fuck, how have you only been kissed for the first time last week?” I let out a breathy laugh as I sat up from my slightly hunched form. “I think I got the basics down pretty quickly thanks to my teacher. But I think I’m ready to learn something else from them.”  His eyes darkened and before I knew it I was being rolled onto my back as the opening sounds from Avengers: Infinity War played in the background.

“Babygirl, I’ll teach you anything you want to know.” He smirked as he started moving down my body.

I was sure the smile on my face would become permanent after how long it had been painted on. We didn’t go all the way but we definitely made some progress on my lessons. I was laying on the blanketed floor with Namjoon resting on my chest. I was wearing his hoodie and my sleep shorts from earlier while he was left in his sweatpants and a bare chest. I was looking at the soft lights around me while my hand was playing with the messy curls tickling my chin. The sounds of the Avengers battling Thanos in Wakanda paired with Namjoon’s soft snores was lulling me to sleep slowly but surely. 

I knew we would both regret sleeping on the hard floor of the Hideout in the morning, but

at the moment I couldn’t find it in myself to care. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath, ready to fall asleep when a notification sounded from the laptop. I turned slightly to see what it was but suddenly felt all possibility of sleep and tiredness drain from my body. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but I had to try and make sense of what I saw.

GM<3: i miss you:(

I tried to calm myself before overreacting. It could be a relative or someone close to him. He just told me earlier how wrong cheating was. He wouldn’t do thi- Another notification sounded and effectively cut off my racing thoughts. I felt more confident in the situation as I looked at the incoming text but it’s contents only made me feel sick.

GM<3: when are you coming over again? 

GM<3: please say soon:( you left pretty quick the other night

GM<3: i love you, talk soon <3

I felt tears threatening to spill and was confused. I thought of every possible explanation but none of them were innocent or made any sense. I was hurt. I was angry. But mostly, I was numb. The thought I was dreading the most kept circling my mind. I didn’t want to believe it but it made too much sense.

You fell for the greatest prank of all. You believed he actually felt anything for you.

I felt hot tears fall down my face while one word played on a loop in my head. A heartbreaking lullaby played like a broken record.

Gotcha.

I was frozen. I didn’t move or sleep at all that night. My body ached from the hard floor and lack of movement but all I focused on was the heartache and racing thoughts that hadn’t seized through the night. The sun started to rise and I took it as my cue to leave and head to my shop. I carefully moved and tried to remove myself from Namjoon’s tight grip on my hips. I freed myself eventually and felt hot tears welling up in my eyes. I grabbed my clothes from the day before along with my other belongings and headed to the front door.

I placed my hand on the door handle and hesitated. Talk to him. “Let yourself have something good”. I turned to look at his frame under the dim glow of the rising sun and felt the lump in my throat grow. I forced myself to look away and walk out the door before I could change my mind. I made it to the front door of my shop before breaking down and crying. I told you so. 

I wiped my tears and stood up straight before unlocking the door and walking in, determined to bottle it up and not talk about it. The faster I avoided Kim Namjoon and everything involving him, the better. I silently worked throughout the day with a tight smile and locked my phone up in the storage area so I wouldn’t see any missed calls or texts. Mal could sense something was up but didn’t push me. 

As the clock moved closer to closing time I panicked. He was surely going to come by to walk us back to his shop. “Hey, Mal? I just remembered I have to head back to my place early tonight. Do you mind closing up for me?” I spoke with a shaky voice and Mal’s questioning glance almost broke my act. “Of course. Just take care of yourself.” She spoke sincerely and I let out a breath of relief at her words. I threw off my apron and grabbed my belongings again before heading home. Namjoon would probably try to get me to read the book with him but I couldn’t face him. I walked quickly past the Hideout and his apartment before collapsing into my bed. I made sure to lock my front door and bedroom door for extra precaution.

I screamed into my pillow as I sobbed. 

This routine went on for the next three days. I started leaving my phone at my apartment after it died. I didn’t have the energy to look at it or charge it to see the messages I had waiting for me. I opened my door at 5 AM to start my new routine of avoiding Namjoon. I was fearful that he might try to come into my shop during the day but so far he hadn’t. That fear came back like a crashing wave, however, as I heard a body fall onto the floor of my apartment when I opened the front door to leave. 

A tired looking Namjoon stood quickly and sighed in relief as he saw me. He reached out to hold my face as he spoke, “Fuck, Moonlight, I’m so glad you’re okay. You haven’t responded to my texts or been at the shop when I stopped by and I was so fucking worried.” He leaned in to kiss me and I pushed his hands off me. He looked confused at my actions but I looked away as anger and hurt filled me.

“Maybe that was for a reason.” I mumbled out as I crossed my shaking hands around my frame. “What? Moon, what’s wrong?” He reached for my hand again and I turned around to walk into my apartment. I heard the door close softly and his quiet footsteps following me. “Baby, you need to let me know-” I spun around at the pet name and pointed shakily at him. “No. You don’t get to call me that. You don’t get to hear about my life or what’s bothering me because it’s you. You’re the problem for me. You need to just stop. Stop kissing me and holding my hand and looking at me like I’m the only girl in your eyes and just making me feel like I’m actually worth something to you. Stop.” I was angry. The tears flowed freely down my face and my hand fell to my side as I finished my words.

Namjoon looked down and shook his head before looking back at me. “Moon, I don’t know what I did but all of that is never going to stop. I never want to stop kissing you or holding your hand or showing you how I really feel about you. You are the only girl in my eyes-” I cut him off with a scoff “Bullshit! How can you just lie like that. I saw the texts that night Namjoon. You fell asleep and when you did you got some texts from another girl. Congratulations, you win. Once again you’ve utterly broken me.”

“What texts? There is no other girl, I promise you. Please, I never meant to hurt you, especially like this.” He was starting to tear up and his voice broke as he finished but I stood my ground. “And I would’ve believed you if I hadn’t seen the texts for myself. I hope you and ‘GM’ are happy together because it seems like you two made it longer than a few hours since you’re already in love.” He scrunched his face up at my words. “Wait. Hold on. GM?” He breathed out a laugh as he spoke. His words cut me like a knife. 

“So you used me and cheated on me and can’t even try to act serious about it? Fuck you, Namjoon.” I moved to walk past him and into my bedroom but he grabbed my arm before I could. “Wait, Moon, no. My sister’s name is Geong Min. That’s who you saw text me that night. I’m telling you the truth, you’re the only girl for me.” He turned my body to face him as he spoke with a small smile. 

I furrowed my eyebrows at his confession. “You have a sister? Wait, why did she ask you to come over and say that you left quick the last time?” He smiled largely as he spoke. “I went to her place the night I set up the Hideout for us because I had to borrow her blankets and lights. And I also needed her advice on if the date was even a good idea.” I sighed and hugged him close to me. “I’m a fucking idiot, I’m so sorry, Joon.” 

He held me against him tightly and moved us side to side. “You’ve always been more than enough for me. You are worth so much to me and to everyone you come into contact with. I know it’s scary to have these feelings, because, Moon, I’m fucking terrified too. But I promise you that you’re all I want. I never want to hurt you and I never want to see us like that again. You’re more than worth it, Moon.” He pulled us slightly apart as he looked into my eyes for his final words and I felt tears welling up again as I smiled.

“You deserve better than someone who can’t love you back the way you need to be. I’ve never felt like this and I know it’s too soon to say I’m in love with you but I know for a fact that I’m falling.” I spoke softly. He smiled and leaned down to press his forehead against mine while I closed my eyes. “Ask me, Moonlight.” He whispered. “Ask me to teach you how to be loved.” He pressed his lips to my forehead then moved down to press a kiss to each cheek and the tip of my nose before pulling back to look in my eyes and wait for my answer.

He returned the smile that grew on my face and laughed as he leaned down to kiss me properly after I spoke softly,“Teach me how to be loved, Joon.” 

And he did.

#bts #bts fanfiction #bts rm #bts fluff #fluff #fanfiction #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts scenarios #kpop #kpop reactions #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #namjoon x you #kim namjoon #bts namjoon #namjoon x reader #bts x reader #namjoon fanfiction #namjoon reaction #kim namjoon scenario #namjoon scenario #namjoon fluff #kim namjoon oneshot #kim namjoon x y/n #writing #Namjoon

[sweetestlamb]

Caged Bird

Summary: “I should let him go right?” 

Author’s note: Finally back with another chapter, this one was a bit harder for me than the other chapters because writer’s block was a bish and I kept second guessing myself. I erased so many things and I don’t know if I am even proud of this anymore or if it’s any good LOL but I spent all day writing it so I guess I should post it. I’m not losing motivation but life was beating on my door and I feel like this wasn’t as fleshed out as I wanted it to be but I don’t have the time to flesh it out more and I really didn’t want to go another week without writing, it makes me anxious to leave them unattended for so long.  So if you like anything about this let a girl now. 

“You told him?” Sujin glances over at Su-ah from her place on her bed, her phone idle on the bed, she’s trying not to text a certain someone too much but that is proving easier said then done with him messaging her without any discretion or care about appearances. 

Jukyeong looks knowingly at her phone with a soft smile and she hides the small square too embarrassed even though they hadn’t been talking about anything inappropriate, he was teasing her that she wore his sweaters more than he did these days and asking her if she wanted to go shopping with him so she could pick out exactly which sweater she wanted to steal borrow. She rolls her eyes at the dramatic message, she didn’t take that many of his sweaters, he was just overexaggerating as he was wont to do. She folds the sleeve of her borrowed(thank you very much) sweater over her hands and pointedly avoids looking at the vibrating device. 

She has self control. 

But a second vibration makes her flaunter for a minute, wondering if he’s saying something important he hardly ever double texts these days. She reaches for the phone gasping when it’s suddenly snatched out of her reach. 

“Hey-!” her voice trails off bashfully at the glower on Su-ah’s pretty face, that’s her take no shit face, damn. She sits up straighter giving the girl all her attention lest she become more agitated and try to read the messages, that would be too unsettling. They had both already commented on her recent oversized sweaters, coyly trying to get her to admit to who they truly belonged to. She ignored their teasing and jut her nose in the air each time, they already knew and she refused to give them the satisfaction of saying it out loud. 

“Focus on us for one minute. Your boyfriend can wait.” Su-ah states firmly putting her phone on the small desk behind her and she sputters at the comment, red hot flush barreling down her entire body like a wildfire. 

“He’s not my boyfriend!” She denies vehemently, cheeks burning hotter from the nonplussed looks she receives from her two closest friends, Su-ah looks utterly unimpressed and Jukyeong can barely contain the smile spreading on her full lips, she opens her mouth to argue harder needing to smother the jolt of pure bliss that surfaced in her belly at the other girl’s bold proclamation but the words get firmly lodged in her throat. 

His hands tightly wound around hers, his thumb gently caressing the rough skin of her scarred knuckles. The way she didn’t want to pull away or hide from him, he was looking at her, truly seeing her and instead of fear something warmer spread through her veins. 

Those lips on her forehead, the softest sweetest kiss she had ever received in her life. Nobody had ever held her like she was something precious before but that was how he pressed her to his wide chest, her head nuzzled into his fragrant neck as she drowned in his intoxicating scent nervous to breathe him in too much lest she get lost in his spell. 

The deep rumble of his voice as he called her “baby”, she had always rolled her eyes hearing couples use such supercilious nicknames with each other, what was the point? Why did being in a couple have to mean that you lost your name and essentially a piece of your identity? It was stupid and childish and she wanted nothing to do with such a transgression, or so she had believed. 

Until the moment he called her princess. 

What started out as a tease had transformed into something bigger than she had ever expected, she hated it or so she told herself. But when he called her Sujin in the park she felt like a part of her was missing, she wasn’t just Sujin to him anymore. In that moment she had a grand realization she wasn’t losing herself like she had initially thought but rather gaining another layer, she would always be Sujin and that was enough but she could also be his princess, his baby.  

When had she turned into such a sap? This was all his fault. 

“Hello? Sujin? Are you even listening to me? Hey! Are you seriously fantasizing about your boyfriend right now?” She jumps at Su-ah’s loud voice, slapping a frantic hand over her mouth and looking around as if people will materialize out of thin air. 

“Can you stop saying that word, Suho might hear you!” She stage whispers and Su-ah raises a thin eyebrow at her shoving her hand away. 

“Why are you so red? Did something happen between you two, you can’t hide anything from us! What happened to “we’re just friends”? She blushes redder at Su-ah’s quotation marks and Jukyeong leans forward excitedly, “Have things changed? Did you tell him how you feel? Oh my god, did you guys...kiss?!”

Su-ah stills at Jukyeong’s question before vibrating violently in her seat and grabbing her shoulders shaking her back and forth, “Sujin did you lose your lip virginity? Did you let him deflower you?!” 

Sitting stunned and wide eyed, she stares at her friends expectant faces wondering how the conversation became derailed so quickly? She had invited them both over to explain the Baekyung situation and her conversation with Suho’s father but somehow Seojun had become the star of the night. 

“Are you crazy why would you call it that?” She immediately realizes her mistake when both girls turn to look at each other and simultaneously shriek, “She didn’t deny it!,” and she watches in horror as they jump up and starting dancing around the room, then she groans and tugs the hood of the sweater over her head pulling the drawstrings so she is cocooned in the fabric as they start singing off key, “Sujin kissed Seojun! Sujin kissed Seojun!” 

Instinctively she grabs a fluffy pillow and flings it across the room in a perfect arch before it lands with a soft thud on Jukyeong’s head, time stops as they all stare at each other and then it’s a flurry as the girl picks up the pillow launching it back and that is how Sujin gets involved in her first ever pillow fight. There are pillows flying every which way and Su-ah and Jukyeong gang up on her, shoving her into the bed and playfully smacking her on her stomach and back as she curls up in a ball body shaking from her laughter. 

“Tell us everything and we’ll stop hitting you.” Su-ah promises and she shakes her head in refusal, seconds later she feels a grazing on her sides and she knows what’s coming so she tries to draw away but her means of escape are thwarted by Jukyeong grabbing her by the shoulders and pressing her harder into the bed. 

“Su-ah please don’t. This is evil, I thought we were friends.” She pleads staring up at both with beguiling eyes and for a minute she thinks her puppy eyes have succeeded as both release her, but then she feels a barrage of hands on her side and laughter is forcefully pulled from her body as she twitches in a fit, twisting and turning from the hands but to no avail. She feels tears pooling in her eyes from the sensation and this is how Suho finds them, tangled up and breathless from laughter and he stares at them in shock. 

“When you guys are done...doing this can you please respond to Seojun? He thinks you suddenly got into an accident or got kidnapped because you stopped responding to him.” 

Su-ah turns to her with a look of triumph on her mischievous face, “That sounds like boyfriend behavior to me.” 

Suho doesn’t reply except for a twitch in his lip before he slides the door closed behind him, giving them privacy again. 

She tries not to rush to her phone but her eyes find their eye over to the device all the way across the room, maybe if she runs really quickly she can make it past the two girls and lock herself in the bathroom? 

“I know that look. Whatever crazy plot you’re cooking up is unnecessary, you can have your phone back. I know you two hate to be apart,” Su-ah teases leaning over and then handing her the phone, she stares at it worried that accepting it will be admittance to Su-ah’s claims she hesitates to take it. 

Su-ah takes the choice away from her when she places the phone in her outreached hands, “Don’t keep him waiting.” She holds the phone flat in her palms looking up at both her friends, they have identical smiles on their faces and warmth blossoms in her belly. 

She’s happy, this is what happiness feels like. 

But she’s also overwhelming nervous, she has never done this before, never had someone who made her feel this way. Was it supposed to be this terrifying? Putting the phone down resolutely she turns to her best friends needing their advice. 

“I have no idea what I’m doing.” She admits, feeling small and more than a little bit lost. Instantly she is squished in the middle as they both come to sit by her sandwiching her in between them, twin arms thrown over her shoulders. 

“We know you’re scared but he likes you, everyone can see that. When you’re in a room together it’s like he doesn’t see anyone else, you are always his focal point.” Jukyeong whispers softly placing her head on her shoulder and she wants to deny that but too many images flash in her mind of him doing just that, him dropping everything and racing to her even in the beginning when she had been a mess and constantly pushed him away. Intimate moments at lunch where his eyes hardly leave her as he ardently watches her eat the food that he had prepared just for her, despite countless girls watching him and squealing his name in the distance. 

Everyone had eyes for him, but he only had eyes for....her. 

“What if all of this becomes too much for him and he wants someone normal? Someone who doesn’t have all my baggage? Being with me must get exhausting.” She’s still talking about Seojun but a small piece of her is also directing this statement to them, was being her friend as exhausting? Did they ever consider just abandoning her and finding someone who didn’t have such tiresome issues? 

“You still don’t understand do you?” 

She turns towards Su-ah who blinks wet eyes at her and suddenly her eyes feel moist too. 

“Understand what?” 

“How much you mean to us. All of us. Nobody could ever replace you, we don’t care about your baggage, we want to help you carry it all.” 

She blinks and stares straight ahead, scared of breaking apart. 

Is that how Seojun felt too? Was she worth the trouble to him too? 

When had her life ever been so simple?

They all jump when her phone vibrates again and this time she doesn’t hesitate immediately picking it up, expecting to see another message from the boy in question but instead a new number appears. She stares blankly at first before suddenly recognizing the number. 

“Who’s that?” Su-ah questions, staring at her phone with pursed lips and she swipes the message open. 

Dinner tonight? 

It feels strange to see that message beneath Seojun’s and she finds herself closing it without responding and opening Seojun’s plethora of messages instead. 

I was just joking you can steal all my sweaters. 

Are you still there?

Princess?

Can you answer me so I know you’re alive? 

He is so dramatic, she doesn’t message him for ten minutes and he’s already thinking the worst but then she remembers all the times he has found her helpless and trembling in the rain and his fear makes more sense. Smiling in understanding she finally replies, I’m okay you worrywart. Su-ah and Jukyeong are here, I got distracted. 

ignoring social norm he responds to her immediately not the least bit concerned with appearing too invested. 

Don’t scare me like that. I was about to come over. 

“Sujin are you sure Seojun is okay with you going on dates with Baekyung, that’s who text you right?” Her head snaps up at the question, she bites her lip in consideration. 

“He said he understood. He knows I’m only doing it to help him. But tonight is the last time.” 

She shouldn’t be concerning herself with anyone else’s problems, hers were enough on their own. But she couldn’t help it, the other boy was going through the same ordeal as her and she saw herself in his cold numb eyes, he was existing instead of living. She knew what that felt like. She understood him all too well. 

“Why does he need your help?” Jukyeong asks innocently and she stills before shaking her head, “It’s not my story to tell.” 

They don’t ask anymore questions and she’s grateful for that. 

She has to get ready for her date, she can’t help but wish it was with someone else. She doesn’t even want to call it a date, now that she has someone that she wants to do this all with. 

She looks beautiful, she always does and he wonders if he might have genuinely liked her if they met under different circumstances? He had never learned what it meant to care for someone, too busy trying to survive but she understood him, they had so much in common. He didn’t like her-his heart wasn’t capable of such emotions he was convinced- but he felt a certain kinship that he’d never felt before with anyone else, maybe they were meant to met each other. 

Could she be his destiny? 

“I need to talk to you.” He stares at her across the table looking effortlessly elegant and he takes a sip of his water, something akin to dread pooling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Talk then,” he answers gruffier than he intended but he can see the apology on her face and his vicious side is making an appearance in anticipation of whatever she wants to say to him. She stares at him for a long time and he wonders if she is second guessing or simply searching for the right words, annoyance surges in the wake of her hesitation he is not some child who needs sugared words or placation. “Just say it already,” he says snarkily and her eyes harden at his harsh tone, that’s more like it he hates to be pitied. 

“This is our last...gathering. I can’t help you anymore. I am doing something about my situation and I think you should too.” 

Rage builds up in his veins until he can see nothing but red, he thought he finally found someone who understood but here she was judging him and already abandoning him and all for what, some pretty boy idiot who would never understand what it meant to struggle? They were two sides of the same coin and nobody could ever truly love them, how could she not see that? At birth they had been deemed unlovable by their own parents and there was no way to undo that fate, it was best to just accept the hand they had been dealt. 

“Do you think he really likes you?” He asks meanly sneering at her with a curled lip, this reminds him too much of Dan-oh, of that stinging rejection and the way she wanted nothing to do with him- too lost in her fucking precious Haru-ah and he can’t stop the vicious words that are falling from his mouth, “You’re just a charity case to him. Like a sick puppy he found outside, he doesn’t like you he just feels sorry for you. It’s pathethic.” 

The words land exactly how he intended. 

She looks angry but that fades to consternation and then doubt builds in her eyes and he knows he was successful, he has planted a seed of doubt in her mind and that will only manifest bigger and bigger until she cracks under the pressure.  

“You’re wrong.” She states but she doesn’t sound certain, he can hear the question at the end and he smiles mentally. He almost feels bad but then the image of the other boy smiling with his perfect family flashes in his mind and any guilt he feels melts away. Why should he have it all when he, Baekyung had nothing? 

“I’m not. You’re just a phase for him, he probably think he’s being nice pretending to like you. I’ve seen all those girls around him, why would he want someone whose weak broken and whose parents don't even want her? Don’t be naïve, it’s beneath you Sujin. People like us need to know our place.” 

He stifles the little voice in the back of his mind that questions why he’s pushing away someone who only wants to be free, why did she get to escape the prison that they both had been locked in for so many years? Why couldn’t she just accept that they didn’t deserve anyone else and just be with him? Why was he always the last possible choice? 

She doesn’t say another word, opening her wallet and throwing down enough money to cover the meal that hasn’t even been brought out yet. The cold look she shoots his way stops him from saying anything, he can see the hurt in her eyes and it’s twisted but he feels a tinge of satisfaction at her expression. 

He watches her walk away feeling no better than his father, when had he become such a monster and why didn’t it scare him more? 

What did that say about him? 

The sound of the doorbell echoes through the spacious house and she wonders if it’s Sujin, and that mere possibility is enough to make her race to the door before her husband can make his way from his seclusion in his study. Most day he didn’t even bother coming out and when he did he didn’t even acknowledge her, it was heaven but it also left her guarded waiting from him to explode and hit her. It was like living in a landmine, she walked lightly as to not be heard. 

The face on the other side of the door completely shocks her. 

Lee Joo-Hun stands there, looking determined and she stares blankly at him. It has been months since their families have shared a meal together, she saw his visible discomfort every time her husband would berate her or Sujin. Many people showed discomfort but few did anything to help them, it was human nature after all. 

Better you than me. 

She forces a brittle smile to form on her face. Playing the role of happy wife easily, its a role she has been cultivating for years. 

“Oh. I didn’t know you had plans with my husband today. Come on in.” She notices that there is a certain unexplained tension in his shoulders but after only a moment’s pause he nods before stepping over the threshold, slipping off his expensive loafers and not bothering to put on the slippers they have placed for guest. Maybe he doesn’t plan to stay for long. 

“I’ll go get him,” she says softly wanting to do nothing of the sort, she has not been on his radar as of late and she had every intention to keep things that way but she can’t show this to their guest. Her husband would be livid if she did anything to harm his relationship with someone he saw as a beneficial business partner. She’s unprepared for the hand that stops her, tight around her wrist she has to force herself not to flinch at the sudden touch. 

When she looks back, his eyes are wide and they penetrate through her and she snatches her hand back a fear rippling through her at his stare, he’s looking right through her like she’s made of glass. 

“Sorry,” he apologizes and she smiles nervously waving him off, “I was just surprised you didn’t do anything wrong.” But he’s peering at her like he knows everything racing through her mind and she has to glance away, it’s all a bit too much and suddenly the study door opens and all the air is siphoned from the room as her husband exits the room, his face changing quickly when he notices that they have a guest, she knows that the rage that first appeared will make return once they are alone again. 

“Why didn’t you tell me that we had a guest?” The inquiry is said innocuously enough, he has long mastered repressing his rage in front of others but she can see the anger in his brows. 

Before she can answer, Joo-hun stands between them blocking her completely from her husband’s gaze. 

“Let’s talk.” Her husband raises a brow at the commanding tone and she can read him as easily as a book, he’s furious at being spoken to in such a tone but the other man doesn’t give him an opportunity to disobey because he’s already walking into the study. Her husband glares at her as if she is to blame before disappearing into the room and shutting the door in her face. 

Without a conscious thought she presses her ear against the door but the wood is solid and she can barely hear anything and she leans back about to admit defeat but then the voices raise becoming progressively louder and she hears her husband shout, tone bristling with fury, “How dare you threaten me in my own home!” and the loud booming voice of Joo-hun rings out, “You disgust me and I will do everything imaginable to make sure you end up where you belong.”

The temperature drops at those chilling words and she takes a step back at the sound of movement behind the door, once again coming face to face with the man.

His expression softens when he sees her but she can still see a glint of hardness beneath the surface. He had expressive eyes, they were part of the reason he had been such a celebrated actor. 

He knows. 

She’s certain now, he knows what a monster she is. 

If her husband deserves to suffer then so does she for everything she has done to her poor little girl, she was just as culpable if not more. If only she hadn’t been a coward and left when he first started hitting her, if only she had gone through with the abortion. She had selfishly brought a child into this world knowing that their life would be hell just like hers because she was scared to be alone. She wasn’t a mother, she wasn’t even fit to be called a human at this point and the look he gives her makes her feel like scum on the bottom of his shoe. 

“I’m leaving.” He announces walking back over to his shoes, and she had been right he wasn’t planning on staying long. 

A loud bang suddenly fills the empty void, her husbands scream are not too far behind as he flings books and whatever he can get his hands on into the walls. 

She knows what fate awaits her tonight. 

This is her punishment and it’s exactly what a stain like her deserves. 

She stares absently at the ground, the sound of the door knob turning reaching her ears and she knows that she’s going to be alone again. The door opens and she sighs, waiting to hear the door close knowing that in seconds she will be a whimpering mess on the ground. 

But the sound never comes, and she looks up to see what’s stopping him and his eyes are still hard but not as sharp. 

“Come with me.” 

She hears the word but the sentence does not compute and it takes a moment for her to process what he just said, her mind tells her that surely she heard him wrong. There’s no way he said what she thought he said. 

But then he reaches out a hand and she stares at his palm. 

“Why would you want to help me? I’m not a victim. I knew what he was doing, I knew everything and I did nothing. I am just as bad as him. She hates me too. I didn’t protect her.” 

It’s the truth, she lost the right of calling herself a victim as she watched her husband step on her seven year old daughter and her first thought was thank goodness it’s not me. That was the day the light left Sujin’s eyes but hope didn’t fade completely not yet, but each time her father hit her those huge eyes would look her way and each time her heart constricted but helplessness stopped her from acting. It took years but all that youthful hope was extinguished and she never heard that word again, “mother” it seemed fitting since she had never been a mother to the girl. 

“I don’t understand why you did what you did. But it’s not my place to judge, despite what you think you are a victim and I am done turning a blind eye. Staying here won’t help Sujin, she needs her mother.” 

Sujin needs her? That sounds laughable but then a distant conversation resurfaces in her memory and she feels frustrated tears welling in her eyes. 

“What does it mean to be a mother? I can’t answer that question for you but the fact that you’re asking that means you want to try, so do that. Try your best and apologize when you’re wrong. That’s all mothers can do.” 

The woman looked so fragile laying in the hospital bed but the strength of her words were undeniable, she didn’t know what made her visit she knew if her husband caught her there would be retribution but she couldn’t stay away. She didn’t even have an excuse and they simply stared at each other before the other woman smiled at her and motioned for her to sit on the chair, she had done so without question. 

There were flowers all over the room, both fresh and old. 

“Someone must really love you.” She had said and she watched jealously as a maternal smile graced her face, she could almost feel the motherly pride. 

“Sometimes my son gets carried away.” 

The boy on the motorcycle, she had thought he was just a delinquent but the amount of flowers in the room said otherwise.

That was ultimately what pushed her to ask the silly question: what does it mean to be a mother? 

She had never known, her own mother had treated her like a bargaining chip that would lead to the betterment of her own life, naming her fortune only to force her to have anything but that in her life. 

The woman had smiled delicately before answering her. 

The words swirled around like a tornado in her mind, she hadn’t expected such a simple answer. 

“Are you coming?” Joo-hun’s voice brings her back to reality and she thinks about Sujin and the day she was born and how small and vulnerable she looked laying in her arms as they both cried, wailing their hearts out. 

She hadn’t known what it meant to be a mother back then and she’s no closer to knowing now but she knows that she wants to try, Sujin might never forgive her for what she did and she wouldn’t blame her. But she still wanted to try, even if it took her whole life she would spend it trying to repent for all her sins. 

She takes one small step forward, the shackles that have been tightened around her body her whole life crumbling in the face of her renewed hope.  

I want to try. 

She isn’t wearing his sweater, it’s pitiful but that’s the first thing he notices when he sees Sujin in the morning, she’s walking alone and he can’t stop the joy that shoots through him at the observation it was never easy to see her arrive with the other boy despite knowing the truth. But today the encroacher is nowhere to be seen and he settles the kickstand of his motorcycle before rushing over to her, without thinking he wraps an arm around her shoulder but then he feels her body tighten at the unexpected touch, “Relax, it’s just me,” he whispers airily but to his disappointment her body becomes more rigid at his words. 

He immediately removes his arm, moving out of her personal space- not understanding what exactly is going on but still not wanting to be the source of her discomfort. 

He shifts apprehensively, already wrecking his brain to think of what he might have done to warrant such a bitter cold reception from her but coming up emptyhanded. So instead of trying to guess and create his own reasons, he asks her, “Are you okay? Did I do something?” 

He can tell she’s going to lie before she even opens her mouth, he watches the swarm of emotions play across her face before she settles on nonchalance, “No. I’m fine, you surprised me. I don’t want to upset your fangirls so I think it’s best if we avoid each other at school.” He stares at her in shock, wondering if this is the same girl who he held on the bench just days ago her lips soft on his cheek and her perfume filling his senses? 

“I already told you I don’t care about them. You already know that I only care about yo-” 

“Stop. I can’t do this right now I need space, I have to go.” She interrupts him and after a long gaze she stalks away and he wants to follow her, nothing she’s doing is making any sense not after everything they’ve been through. He’d given her everything he could offer and it still wasn’t enough, she was still walking away and he was tired of chasing her, if it was that easy to walk away from him time and time again then maybe he was fighting a losing battle. 

He turns around, walking the other direction. 

He misses the dark eyes that follow him over a small shoulder. He doesn’t look back. This time he chooses self-preservation. 

He doesn’t go to lunch, unable to bear the thought of sitting across from Sujin and pretending that he’s okay when he feels like a hollow fruit. So he escapes to the roof top and instant regret fills him as he remembers all those months ago when he had held the other on this very roof, it had been so different from their hug at the hospital and the hug in the rain. Those hugs were filled with what he thought was affection, but now he doesn’t really know. He can’t understand why she’s suddenly pushing him away again when he thought they had overcome all the barriers between them. 

Was it because of her father? Had she only kept him by her side because he had helped her but now that Suho and his father were on her side she realized that she no longer needed him? It pains him to imagine that this could be true but the thought rolls around in his thoughts until he starts to believe it, that has to be it. Was he that expendable to her? 

Clearly the answer was, yes. 

The rooftop door suddenly bangs open and he hates his heart for speeding up, as he turns around piteously hoping to see her. HIs heart plummets when he’s greeted by a smiling face that’s nowhere as beautiful as the one he hoped to see, he tries futilely to hide his disappointment with a smirk. 

He recognizes the girl as one of the people who have confessed to him in the past months, she wasn’t as nervous as the others but it had taken her a few minutes to stutter the words out and he had gently turned her down, he wasn’t cruel because he knew how terrifying it was liking someone and not knowing if it was reciprocated. 

She shuffles anxiously on her feet and he wonders how she knew he was up here. Sometimes the girls at school made him uneasy, their fixation with him wasn’t normal. 

He watches at she inhales deeply before looking at him with an unwavering gaze. 

“I know that you said that you liked someone else and I respect that. But I haven’t seen you dating anyone and I just like you so much you’re all I can think about and .....Cantyoujustgivemeachanceifshedoesntlikeyouback?” 

It takes an extra moment to decipher what she said with the rapid speed that she expels the words and he stares at her, her breathe coming out in short winded puffs like she just ran a marathon. 

He steps forward purposely, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder before answering her, thoughts of Sujin’s sudden rejection permeating his mind. 

She walks away stunned by his reply and he doesn’t go down until the bell rings, he still isn’t prepared to be in the same room as Sujin but he can’t avoid her forever. 

The classroom is abuzz, he can hear excited voices as he walks down the hallway and he wonders what bit of gossip has their attention now, he slides the door open only to feel all eyes land on him. The class goes silent before suddenly he’s being bombarded with questions. 

“Is it true?” 

“Why her? I liked you before she did.” 

“Are you finally going to get a girlfriend? It’s not fair you shouldn’t only date one person oppa.” 

He ignores them all sliding into his seat and dropping his head onto the table, when they realize that he has no plans of answering their invasive prompts they go back to gossiping about him as if he’s not sitting right there. 

He rubs his temple, trying to stop the head ache he can feel forming but he knows that it’s already too late. 

The energy shifts in the room and without looking up he already knows why, he can hear the telltale clicks of her shoes on the floor. 

He hears Su-ah’s voice shortly after, “What are you all so excited about? Did something happen?” 

It’s vindictive but he wants them to hear the gossip so he finally looks up, eyes settled on Sujin who is already looking at him.

“Oh! Su-ah it’s the saddest news, Han Seojun is getting a girlfriend. He finally accepted a confession.” A girl whose name he doesn’t know wails as if her life is over and he watches the confusion morph on Su-ah’s face before he glances over at Sujin and she looks devastated and it suddenly he feels sick instead, what is he doing finding enjoyment in this? 

He can’t hold her gaze, he doesn’t know what the look on her face means and he doesn’t want to analyze it, he’s done doing this.   

“It’s just rumors.” Su-ah repeats this over and over like a mantra, but she can’t hear a word that the other girl is saying all she can think about is Seojun with someone else. She imagines him smiling and holding someone else, cradling their cheek as he kisses their forehead and wrapping them in his too big sweater while beaming down at them and it makes her rush to the bathroom, water scalding her hands before she can even think about what she’s doing. 

“Sujin no!” Jukyeong snatches her hand away from the too hot water and she only fights her for a moment before lets herself be pulled away, losing all her fight. 

“Calm down Sujin, talk to us. What happened between you two?” Su-ah asks firmly and gently and she can’t stop the diarrhea of words that explode from her mouth as she tells them everything, Baekyung and how much his words stuck in her mind and her doubts about Seojun and whether she could truly be loved by anyone much less someone as coveted as him. What right did she have to drag him down? 

He might like her now, think that he was aiding someone helpless but was that all this was? Was she just something to soothe his ego? 

“Do you really feel that way?”

She jumps at the harshness in Jukyeong’s tone, she has never heard the other girl talk like this before. She has never been anything but kind when speaking to her, the tone makes her head spin. 

“What?” She replies at a loss for words. 

“Do you really think that’s true? Do you believe the words you are saying right now?” Jukyeong presses harder and she stalls at her interrogation, not knowing what she thinks anymore she can barely trust her emotions- they change too quickly without her permission or consent. It makes her miss the days when she felt nothing, numbness overwriting all these pesky feelings. 

“I...I...I don’t know.” 

The silence drags on before she hears Jukyeong sigh heavily, “Then I think you should let him go.”

It’s the last thing she expects to hear especially from the ever optimistic girl and acid runs through her body at the mere suggestion. 

“What do you mean?”

“This isn’t fair Sujin, you can’t play with someone like this. You can’t push him away and then get jealous when someone else shows interest, he’s not some toy that you can pick up whenever you see fit. He is a person, who really cares about you. If you still don’t know what you feel for him then maybe it’s best to let him go.” 

She turns to look at Su-ah hopeful that the other girl will say the opposite, will implore her to fight for Seojun. She’s crushed when she sees a similar look on Su-ah’s face. It’s a mix of exasperation and pity, she hates it. 

They both think that she should let Seojun go. 

She leaves the bathroom with nothing in her mind, walking aimlessly back to class taking her seat and robotically pulling out her notebook. She doesn’t hear one word that the teacher says for the rest of the time, her heartbeat wildly thumping in her chest. 

When class ends it takes Su-ah calling her name a few times to break her from her stupor. 

“It’s time to go home.” 

“Oh.” She starts to put her books away in her bag, dropping one when Seojun walks past her table without a sideways glance, it’s like they are strangers again and that makes her want to scream because this was all her fault. 

“Wait.” 

She can’t bring herself to speak the word aloud and he leaves, walking away from her just like she had this very morning. 

He’s already speeding off on his motorcycle when she gets outside and she sees a girl beaming at his back, surrounded by a group of girls who are congratulating her and telling her how jealous they are. 

That must be her, the lucky girl. 

The one that had replaced her so easily. She stomps away ignoring Su-ah and Jukyeong’s cries of her name. She knows she has no right, none at all but she does it anyway she has to know if this is really the end. 

That’s how she finds herself outside of his apartment, staring at his motorcycle the proof that he is here and not out with the girl from school, it makes the unease in her stomach unfurl slightly. Staring up at the looming building she tries to think of what she can say to him, she should listen to Jukyeong what she was doing wasn’t fair but she can’t lose him, she had undid all the good in one fleeting moment because she didn’t trust them. Baekyung had said the words but she was the one who chose to believe them, the one that let those words wedge a divide between them and for that she was solely to blame. 

Saying sorry wouldn’t nearly be enough, but that’s all she can think of as she pushes the door open and calls for the elevator. 

The ride has never felt that long all the other times she has visited his apartment, but today it feels like an eternity but when she reaches his floor it feels too soon and she’s not ready. 

Which is exactly why the universe gives her no warning and as the doors open she meets his eyes, he looks notably surprised to see her there and takes a step back in his shock. 

Once she recovers from her own shock, she takes in his attire he’s no longer wearing his uniform- dressed in all black from head to toe like a grim reaper and she wonders if grim reapers are supposed to be that hot, absently she steps out of the elevator before the doors can close between them. Her tongue feels huge in her mouth as she openly gapes at him. 

“What are you doing here?”

“Where are you going?”

Their questions collide and his gaze sharpens once he processes her words, she knows she has no right to question him about anything and his cold look echoes that very sentiment. 

He scoffs at her and tries to circumvent around her and she feels the floodgates opening up in the face of his blatant disregard, “I know you’re tired of hearing this but I’m sorry.” 

His expression barely changes, as he folds his arms peering down at her. 

“Okay.” 

He tries to walk around her once more and this time she’s the one to invade his personal space, gripping his elbow to stop him from walking away from her. She has an irrational fear that if he walks away that this will be her last chance, it makes her let down her guard fully terrified she’ll never get another opportunity. 

“I was scared, that once you realized that I was always going to be this broken you wouldn’t want me anymore. Even if he goes to jail I’m always going to be like this, a broken fucking mess and how can I ask anyone else to deal with that? How can I ask you to give up on having a normal relationship with someone who won’t need therapy for the rest of their lives? I should give you up, everyone is right. I don’t deserve you. I don’t.” 

Despite her rapid blinking a few stray tears escape her tight hold and she watches the wall he put up around his heart gradually start to stilt away as his eyes opens up in the face of her palpable dismay. 

“Sujin.”

“Please let me finish, if I don’t say it now I’m scared I never will.”

He stares at her before nodding slowly. 

She takes a deep breathe before continuing, “I’m not good girlfriend material, no don’t argue I’m not. I will doubt us all the time and I won’t always talk to you about my feelings because I’ve spent so many years ignoring them, I only spoke to you last time because it involved your family. I knew I couldn’t keep that from you but this didn’t seem as important. I should be able to handle it on my own, I’m not a baby. I’m too impulsive and selfish and a coward and....I shouldn’t burden anyone with dating me.”

It looks like it’s taking everything in him not to rebuttal, because when it really matters he always listens to her. 

“I know that I haven’t made this easy on you and I should have just let things be-let you be with someone normal, but I can’t and I know why, I’ve always known why but I was too scared to admit it. I can’t just be friends with you anymore.....I want more.” 

She can’t believe it but the words are now out in the universe, the ones that she has been thinking for months and swallowing every time he showed her how much he cared about her, and he looks taken back by her confession, she hadn’t planned on saying that when she showed up but now it feels stupid to keep it to herself, if she’s going to lose him then she might as well be honest, at least once in her life. 

“Can I speak now?” 

She doesn’t know if she’s ready to hear what he has to say, but it’s only right since he listened to her, taking a centering breathe she nods at his inquiry preparing herself for the worst. 

“You are selfish.” 

Her heart sinks at his words, that isn’t a good start and even though he is merely echoing her words it burns deeper to hear them from him. 

“And impulsive and so damn confusing, you’re hot and then you’re so damn cold and I’m only human Sujin I can’t just pick myself up after you push me away every time, I get hurt too.”

She tries not to bristle at his tone and the lack of nicknames, feeling her heart sink into her stomach now. 

“When that girl confessed to be do you want to know what I thought?” 

She blinks at the sudden change in topic and her immediate answer is no, she does not want to know at all but he doesn’t even give her a moment to reply before he’s answering his own question. 

“I thought she is so straightforward and this is so different, I don’t have to guess about her feelings she wears them on her sleeve, this is so much easier being with her would be so much easier.” 

Her first real confession and rejection all in one day. She has always been an overachiever and it’s only fitting that this would be no different, blinking harshly she forces the tears to stop she has no right to make him feel guilty, everything he said was right and she couldn’t blame him for choosing the path of least resistance. 

“Thank you. For everything, I really mean it.” She bows at him before turning around, she can’t stay here for another minute not knowing that he’s no longer hers and probably never was in the first place. 

It’s all too cruel. 

She presses the button, she should just take the stairs but this will buy her a few extra minutes with him, it’s pitiable but she wants to savor every remaining moments. 

The elevator arrives, gleaming metal doors sliding open and she steps inside ready to go home and cry her eyes out. 

But then a large hands wraps around her wrist and she’s suddenly tugged backwards her back slamming into his chest. 

“Where are you going? Did I say I was finished?” His voice is rough in her ears and she can feel the rapid beat of his heart through his skin, it amps up her own racing heart too scared to even hope but she feels brittle and unsteady his body is the only thing keeping her upright. 

“Dating someone else would be easier, but the thing is I don’t want easy. I’ve never wanted easy, I just wanted you in anyway that I could have you. So why are you trying to “set me free”? Fuck that self sacrificing bullshit, you said it yourself you’re selfish so hold on to me and don’t let me go, when you have doubts hold on to me tighter. I’m not some caged bird that you’ve imprisoned, I’m the guy who likes you and that’s not going to change because you pushed me away. Do you feel feel that? That’s fear. You’re scared to lose me. Good, remember this feeling and how much it makes your heart ache and hold on to me tighter.”

She hiccups at his words, tears pouring down her cheeks now and she finds herself turning in his arms before her brain can catch up, relief washing over her so profoundly she sways a little on her feet. 

He has a shit eating grinning on his face as he stares down at her. 

“You didn’t accept her confession.”

He rolls his eyes at the statement, pulling her closer although there is no space left between them. 

“No I turned her down again but some girls saw us come from the roof top together and they started spreading rumors anyway and I couldn’t be bothered to stop them.” 

She stares unimpressed at him, reading between his lines and feeling foolish because she fell right into his trap. 

“You knew it would make me jealous.” 

He shrugs noncommittedly, “I hoped it would help bring you to your senses.” 

Has she been brought to her senses, she’s not sure she feels crazier than before his words echoing in her brain and she’s moving before she even knows what her intentions are, his smile starts to slip away and he releases her and makes an apprehensive retreat backwards and she automatically follows him, he steps back, she steps forward, another step back and she steps forward again, they do this dance until he’s pressed against the wall with nowhere else to run. 

“Why are you running?” 

He blinks looking dazed and she takes that opportunity to move in closer, cradling his face in her hands before leaning her head forward until only an inch separates them, a scratching noise comes from the wall and when she glances down she can see his nails digging into the paint, she hums at the sight and the implications. 

She was clawing at his resolve.  

Skin vibrating like a livewire she gently pulls him down, until they are eye level and their breaths are curling in the miniscule space between them, those feline eyes are darting all over her face before they land on her lips, she sinks her hands deeper into his hair. 

“Are you sure about this?” 

She has to ask one last time, this all feels like a dream and she’s terrified of waking up and finding that she imagined this all. 

He doesn’t answer at first, too busy staring a hole through her face but she waits patiently, remembering all the times he had waited for her. 

“What?”

“Can I really keep you? Do you really want to be mine?” 

It’s so cheesy and sappy and all kinds of ridiculous, nothing that she ever imagined for herself because she never thought anyone would make her want to say these kind of sweet nothings but here they are- and there’s no turning back now she waits for his reply with bated breath and this time he barely pauses for a second instantly answering, “I’ve been yours this whole time. Are you mine though can you let me in?” 

When you have doubts, hold on to me tighter. 

She drags him the rest of the distance between them, her lips barely grazing his own and it’s crazy because her lips are already on his, soft flesh upon flesh but it takes a moment to realize that she’s actually kissing him, she is kissing Han Seojun. They are kissing. 

She has no idea what she’s doing and she leans onto her tiptoes pressing more firmly against his mouth, imitating the kisses she has seen on tv and from couples in the hallway at school twisting her head to find a better angle but something still feels wrong and it takes another moment to realize what’s wrong. 

He is frozen on the wall, completely still under her ministrations. 

And she immediately pulls away, apologetic and feeling bone deep shame. 

“I’m sorry! I had no right to spring that on you, you barely forgave me and I did that. It won’t happen again, I promise.” 

His eyes are glossy and his cheeks are so red and it’s almost too beautiful to look at, how was she not supposed to kiss him when he was looking like that?

“Don’t apologize, you just made my brain short circuit. Come here.”  

She blushes bright at his too honest admittance, feeling giddy from the power that she seems to have over him. She had been scared that her inexperience would be off-putting for him. 

He tugs her back, letting her body block him in against the wall and she gasps at the warmth of his body he’s so hot even through the layers of clothes separating them. Her breath hitches when he starts to lean back down and this time when their lips meet it feels like the universe has righted itself, the stars and the moon are aligned and something clicks inside her like a gear snapping into its rightful place. 

It’s a simple kiss, a mere press of lips to lips but it is perfect and sweet- nothing like what she imagined because her mind could never fathom something so ideal, the softness of his mouth on hers is enough to make her toes curl and when he wraps his arms around her waist, one hand tight on her back as he eliminates any space between them dragging her impossibly close, she sighs unable to contain her delight as a smile works its way across her lips. He chuckles into the soft press of their first kiss and she can’t help the answering giggle that she lets out, to anyone else they would look deranged but she doesn’t care, this was real. 

He breaks away only to pepper kisses all over her face- first her forehead then her cheeks, her nose and even her chin, all left warm in the wake-  and she blushes under his passionate and diligent attention before grabbing his face and kissing him harder on those plush red lips, hands tight on his hair as she tastes him for the first time. He’s intoxicating and she knows she can never go back to being just friends, not when his flavor is thick on her tongue and she knows what his moans taste like.

Not when his hands are bruising tight on her waist and his scent is coiling around her like a blanket that she never wants to be without. 

She was allowed to have this and she would relish every minute. 

He sits awkwardly on the couch with the woman he has only ever seen a handful of times, when his father had called him and asked for a favor he had never expected this. He had been completely flabbergasted to see the woman on his doorstep but stepped back to give her entrance, nonetheless. 

He knew that his father meant well, was hoping that the two would be able to reconcile like they had but he was forgetting how much they fought before getting to where they were now. It had been an arduous path to restoring their broken relationship and he feared that Sujin and her mother had differences that might be irreconcilable . 

She looks like Sujin, just more weathered and beaten down by life in her expensive clothes and jewelry none of it doing anything to hide the sadness that wafts off her in ebbs and waves. He tried calling the other girl several times but to no avail as he reached her voicemail over and over again, he knows that there is no way this can end well but he couldn’t kick the woman out either, not to be with that sadistic bastard. 

“I should go. She won’t be happy to see me.” She states matter of fact and he’s not a good enough liar to try to argue with her so he says nothing at all, staring at the floor in silence. 

Then the jiggle of keys reach his ears and they both sit taller, gazing at each other wild eyed as the door pushes open. 

Sujin looks blindingly happy, a wide smile stretched across her face and he contemplates throwing a blanket over the woman’s head to hide her- just so the girl can enjoy a few more seconds of happiness but it’s already too late, Sujin slips off her shoes putting on her slippers and walking over to him, her eyes are still on the ground and then she finally looks up and all the air is sucked out of the room. 

All of the joy and exuberance that had previously been imbedded in her pores dissipates and he sees a look so numb, it feels like he’s seeing the Sujin from months ago cold and shivering in Seojun’s arm, the one that didn’t want to live and saw her life as expendable. 

He wonders if he did the right thing? Would she ever forgive him for this? 

She doesn’t say a word, throwing the keys on the table and sprinting back to her shoes, haphazardly stuffing her feet back into them and shooting him one final look of betrayal that makes his blood turn to ice before she slams the door behind her, the sound so powerful the walls vibrate. 

“She hates me.” 

From that look on her face, her mother wasn’t the only one. 

#true beauty #junjin #bmtl #han seojun #kang sujin #chapter 11 #more teen angst #oops

[dcbbw]

Sixish Sunday and Update

Hello, Tumblr! Miss me? I know it’s been a (hot mess) minute since I have been around these parts and a lot has happened. (it’s all under the cut)

I quit my job in DC (and worked three full days AFTER my end date because apparently the 11 page spreadsheet, calendar of everything I was responsible for complete with internal deadlines and vendor deadlines and notes, as well as examples of all the things was not clear enough) and packed up my life and made the move to NC.

My cousins moved me because no way was I paying someone $3800 to haul my stuff 300 miles and renting a car. I ended up paying $1300 + meals for the move and got a ride to boot. All I’m gonna say is I got what I paid for; it was a two-seater panel truck and we put a metal folding chair between the seats. We looked like Bonnie, Clyde, and Curly coming down the road, and the passenger door didn’t close properly, so it randomly swung open at inopportune times.

But I made it one piece; my laptop was not as fortunate. It looks like a rusted out Chevy sitting on bricks at the moment but it saved my stuff and I can type, so YAY!

While I am excited about a fresh start here in the Tarheel State (new job starts Tuesday), I am sad to be away from my studio; I lived there for 17 years and swear it’s the home I (emotionally) grew up in. It’s where I rediscovered my love of writing and became family with a building full of strangers. But I am certain I will find that again here.

While I try to maneuver a huge chunk of my life into what used to be my brother’s bedroom, I have found time to jot down thoughts and ideas that will eventually become full-blown stories. I plan to work on Burnsy’s incredibly late birthday fic, answer some asks for SGL, Dramien, JGL, and a writer’s choice ask. I want to follow-up on so many of WIPs and to post my follower appreciation poll.

And on that note, I do have a little somethings to share for Six Sentence Sunday!

From Remixed: The Social Season, Chapter 3:

“I got a text message from Drake,” Bliam said as he tucked his crisp white shirt into silk black trousers. “He says House Beaumont has a sponsee.”

“Did he say which one?” Asiam asked eagerly as Whiam tried unsuccessfully to knot his necktie.

Bliam shook his head negatively. “When I asked, he said he needed a “what the fuck” emoji.”

Asiam looked at Whiam impatiently. “I could have tied this thing three times by now!”

“You had it wrapped around your waist saying it was your belt!” Whiam retorted, his eyes squinted in concentration. “I can get it, it’s just this is harder than it looks.”

“That’s what she said,” Asiam smirked.

“WHY are you like this?” Bliam complained.

“I’ll be happy to get some real food in me,” Whiam commented as he finally looped the cravat.

“I took the liberty of requesting prime rib and yearling potatoes.” Bliam pulled his arms through the sleeves of his tuxedo jacket.

Asiam frowned. “I ordered curried lamb with rice.”

Whiam sat on the edge of his bed, clumsily buttoning his shirt. “I asked for seafood pasta!”

Bliam rolled his eyes. “Can we EVER agree on anything?”

Whiam pulled on his socks. “Madeleine!”

Bliam nodded in agreement. “Amen to that, brother!”

Asiam said nothing, choosing to stare at the ceiling instead. Feeling two pairs of blue eyes staring at him, he gave a loud exhale. “WHAT?”

Whiam shook his head in disapproval. “You didn’t! Did you? I mean, she was engaged to … Leo!”

Asiam ran a comb through his raven locks. “All I’m going to say is the drapes and carpet match.”

 Original song lyrics for Love Grind from the next chapter of my Platinum/TRR crossover fic:

You workin’ so hard to bring home the bacon

Hustlin’ a grind, no time for lovemakin’

Giving your keyboard all your strokes

All your strokes

All your strokes

You ain’t kissing these lips

You ain’t grabbing these hips

Baby come home, let me clear your mind

Put this peach in your lap

And take you for a love grind

Bounce, roll, thrust, hold

Kiss, moan, scream, groan

Give me that eggplant, make me eat vegetarian

Then lay back so I can ride like an equestrian

Lemme give you that love grind

That love grind

Slap this ass, fill all my holes, make me say your name

Gimme that love grind

Bounce

That love grind

Moan

That love grind

Roll

Gimme all your strokes

Groan

All your strokes

Thrust

All your strokes

Fill all the holes

 Mr. Sonny’s Children, Original Work:

“Hello, Ma.”

There is silence for a few moments; my mother is caught unawares because I rarely answer her calls during the day. There is baggage between us, and demons who play messenger with us. I can’t deal with that when I am trying to heal and cure people.

I gave up on trying to save anyone a long time ago.

“Mabel?” Her voice is hesitant and laced with a warble.

I wonder if she is holding back tears or curses. My mother doesn’t hate me, but she is scared to love me.

I am a child of rape. To love me is to admit she is okay with the violent assault that conceived me. To acknowledge that I survived the rusty hanger and jagged forceps that tried to kill us both is to accept I was meant to be here, destined to be hers throughout all eternity.

Nothing good comes from an evil act.

“Hi, Ma.” I don’t bother to remind her I go by Ann now. She knows.

More silence, thick with tension and unspoken emotions.

I set the spoon back in the bowl and use my chopsticks to toy with a sushi roll instead. I idly roll one side in wasabi that is more pasty than creamy and dunk the other side in soy sauce. I speak into the phone pressed to my ear.

“Ma, I’m at work. Is everything okay?”

“Mr. Sonny died,” she exhales.

I set the chopsticks down carefully before blinking my eyes and staring out at the rain again. “When?”

“Last night. Lung cancer.”

I nod slowly. Mr. Sonny was notorious for consuming all types of tobacco products: he smoked cigarettes, cigars, and pipes. When he wasn’t smoking tobacco, he was chewing it. When he was younger, he was quite handsome: tall with dark, wavy hair and deep green eyes. He was a persuasive speaker with a raw confidence unheard of rural Mississippi, even for whites. That is how he became the Imperial Wizard of our county’s chapter of the KKK.

The last time I saw him was three years ago. He had shrunk, walking with a hunch in his back. His face was wizened and wrinkled; the pate of his head speckled with brown liver spots where hair no longer grew. The backs of his hands were wrinkled and knotted with bright blue veins, his fingers gnarled.

He looked at me as if I were shit on his shoe.

“Why are you telling me this?” I ask slowly. But I knew why.

Mr. Sonny was my father.

#kinda long post #dcbbw writes #i'm back #with wips #and an update #I was gonna tag folks but not #I will when I have a story

[pokemon-ninjago-world]

Headcanon/Pokéninjago version of Lloyd’s identity crisis during season 5 of Ninjago

Got ab 12 likes on the announcement post so here we are: This is an essay-sorta-thing about something I thought and wrote some six years ago. It’s been so long since I wrote this I feel cringy reading it, but it’s tenable in Pokéninjago lore. It’s kind of a mix between my headcanon for the show, and canon of my AU, which is why there is mentions of “evolving” and Pokémon types.

Things to take into account:

Idk if there should be content warnings, but depression mention at least. Otherwise, this is pretty much as intense as season 5 went, just a little more angsty I suppose.

I must say that my version of Lloyd and his identity crisis were inspired by a certain artist’s version of him and by a comic they made about the Child’s Play episode’s aftermath. I don’t dare name the artist, since they don’t wish to be linked with the Ninjago fandom anymore, but some of you might know who I’m referring to. 

I do not know how psychology stuff actually works, all of this was made on grounds of a couple of high school psychology courses and a lot of imagination `:D

I wrote this originally in Finnish and let Word translate it, so this might be v clumsy at points.

Most of the text is under the cut!

                                                  ~***~

When Lloyd was just a small cub, closer to three years, his mother had left him in his father's care. Misako knew the boy would become the Green Ninja and Garmadon would become the Dark Lord. That is why she went looking for any ancient knowledge to avoid the final confrontation. Although her heart was torn since she had to leave her loved ones, she knew that she couldn’t just sit on her hands, and that perhaps she was the only one that could prevent the decisive battle between good and evil. It was also her wish that the father and the son could spend as much time together as possible. Thus, Lloyd's earliest childhood memories are about his father, and his recollections of his mother are blurry, obscure, and fading away as he grows up, or mixing with other memories.

            Dad meant everything to little Lloyd. Although they lived in the same monastery with Lloyd’s uncle as well, whom he also liked, his own father was still the greatest. Garmadon also loved his child deeply and wanted him to have a happy life. Although the poison in his veins was starting to get a hold of him and he was increasingly drawn to the Golden Weapons, his love for Lloyd and the desire to be with him in anticipation of Misako's return kept him away from them for much longer than if the boy had never existed.

                    When Lloyd "evolved," he lost some important years of his life, during which a youngster usually developes a picture of himself and his changing body. Lloyd's body changed in a single moment and even though his mind also changed to some degree, it was still mostly on the same level as before, since artificial aging did not bring him the years of experience that growing up normally would. From that moment on, he had to form himself a new image of himself. Frankly, he was facing a fierce identity crisis.

                     After the episode Child's Play, Lloyd adopted an identity whose foundation was flimsy and unstable. It consisted of a few simple pillars that supported his image of himself. Some emotions, thoughts, and memories that he could not, wasn’t able to or didn’t dare to deal with, secretly and slowly gnawed at those pillars like erosion. They grew into doubt that settled into the cracks like rockfoil.

                     That flimsy foundation for his self-image, consisted of these elements: I am the Green Ninja. I'm the strongest ninja of all. I’m the son of  sensei Garmadon. I’m the grandson of The First Spinjitzu Master. I'm one of the Elemental Masters. I'm a student of Sensei Wu. I'm one of the five elemental ninjas. It's my destiny to protect the world from evil.

                     This made it easy for Morro to destabilize and crush Lloyd’s self-esteem. Morro proved himself to be stronger and more independent than Lloyd, and that he could win him over and over again, no matter how hard Lloyd tried to fight back. Lloyd felt weak and desperate. Two pillars of his self-image collapsed to the ground and the masked emotions and doubts that chipped away at the other columns began to grow and intensify: He was not the strongest ninja and was therefore unable to protect the world from this evil.

                     This also affected his view of him as the Green Ninja. Although logically he still was just that – the Golden Weapons and his powers had proven it – he could not help but think that maybe Morro really was supposed to be the Chosen One. His identity was cracking, which ate away at his strength and self-esteem. Being a Psychic Type, his greatest strength resided in his psyche, and whenever his mind was in an unstable and vulnerable state, he couldn’t do his best, even if he had used everything he had learned. Losing his father fairly recently had already struck a dangerous notch in his mental stability.

                     Even though Lloyd was still his father's son, it didn't feel the same when he was no longer with him. Finally, he was only driven forward by his relationship with his other loved ones. He had to do everything he could to stop Morro from harming his friends. By protecting them he was also protecting the last intact remnants of his Self.

                     Lloyd did everything he could to resist Morro's possession. From time to time a memory of his friends and the will to keep them safe increased his "self-control," weakening the ghost's hold on him. However, a long, grueling time in constant motion, without water and nourishment, poisoned by a cold, vindictive spirit, steadily filled his mind with anguish and despair. Doubts penetrated deep into the tears of his self-image, breaking everything old until he no longer knew who he was. Only with the last bits of his mental strength could he interfere with Morro's possession so that he failed to clear the other ninjas out of his way.

                     Then, when Morro broke away from Lloyd's body, the Espeon felt like nothing more than an empty, broken shell floating aimlessly in the dark, beachless sea. He was unable to live up to any of the expectations and goals that had been set for him. Now, he was used as a trade-in item in the market of the world’s destiny. He longer had the strength or power to save even his best friends. He was as helpless as a newborn pup and all he could do was to stand by and apologize when he was traded for Realm Crystal.

                      Somewhere from his past, he dug up one last spark of strength. Already as a child, he had been left alone with unfriendly people, who then had ignited that stubborn flame in him: the desire to fight the cruel, unjust and repressive world. His body still had more strength than his mind, and this momentary burst of grit made him kick the Crystal out of Morro's hand. This, however, caused him to end up in the freezing stream, all his energy used up. There was not much left but a primitive desire to survive and a little strength to keep his head afloat before the cold numbed his muscles.

                     Lloyd's mind was in shambles. Images, memories, shattered fragments of his adopted identity… they all churned in his tired, blurred consciousness. Unintentionally, he began to go through the feelings of uncertainty, fear and inadequacy that he had denied from himself for years. The present seemed more surreal than the memories. He relived moments that had had a revolutionary impact on his life: When the golden weapons pointed him out as a Green Ninja; when he grew up under the influence of Tomorrow's Tea; when he met his mother and became to know her; when he unleashed the Golden Dragon in the Temple of Light; how he fought the Overlord who was possessing his father; how he harnessed his True Potential; got his father back; lost Zane; reunited his friends again and felt great togetherness with the other Elemental Masters. When he lost his father again. And when Morro possessed him.

                     Lloyd was lost. If it wasn’t for his friends and their care, he would have sunk deep into depression (and, on the other hand, drowned or, at the very least, died of hypothermia). When Kai carried him out of the FSM’s tomb, it triggered a very clear memory of the day when the Master of Fire had fulfilled his potential and Lloyd had been identified as the Chosen One. That day, Kai had come to save him from an erupting volcano and carried him to safety. Now, Lloyd felt like he was that little scared cub again, who had for a moment thought he was going to burn to the ground in the boiling lava of the volcano. He remembered how Kai's closeness had brought a feeling of immediate security around him. Even though the mountain had raged and wanted to kill them both, Lloyd had known he didn’t have to be afraid. Kai was there. He'd protect Lloyd. There was no reason to fight the fear anymore, he didn't have to pretend like he was tough. He was carried by someone older and stronger, whom to rely on.

                     The feeling was so intense, the memory so vivid that Lloyd was overwhelmed by an inexplicable, immense grief. The sadness of being forced to give up a carefree childhood so early on, to take on an enormous responsibility and assume a role that seemed too demanding for such a small boy to perform. He had had to grow up way too soon. He started shaking from holding back the tears. He didn’t mind since he thought Kai was probably assuming that he was shivering from the cold. But when Kai said quietly and understandingly: "Shh... It's okay... Don't worry about it," the last wall of pride and fear fell, and Lloyd could no longer repress his weeping.

                     At this point, he slowly began to build a new identity on the ruins of the wrecked one. He understood that even though he was the Green Ninja, it didn’t make him greater or more important than the others. He had more magical power than anyone else, but he was still only a person just like them. He could hesitate, too, and fail. There was no way for him to do anything more than what he was capable of, mentally, physically, and skill-wise. That’s all there was to offer, and if it wasn't enough, there were others whom he could rely on. Others, who would catch him when he ran out of strength. He wasn't the last link to hold the whole structure together.

                     These ideas developed slowly in Lloyd's exhausted mind. Slowly, he got stitched back up from the fragments of his previous self-image. This time, however, his new identity was not something that was given to him from the outside, in which he would have had to fit himself, but it was a solid, authentic self-image created as a result of self-reflection. It was still obscure, uncertain and seeking its form, and its growth was overshadowed by fear. But the conversation with his father drove away that last fear. The fear that Morro was supposed to be the Green Ninja instead of Lloyd. His father assured that Lloyd’s qi had no influence on how he should live and act. He should live the way his heart told him to.

                     In the end, although Morro managed to beat Lloyd one last time, this time he did not break down. He was more intact now, he had more inner strength, and he knew for sure he wouldn't be abandoned. That the fate of the world wasn't really up to him. He may have been part of the story, but after all, he wasn't the protagonist, at least not the only one of them.

#pokemon ninjago #pokeninjago #ninjago au #crossover #ninjago #ninjago lloyd #lloyd garmadon #lloyd montgomery garmadon #espeon!Lloyd #eevee!Lloyd #sylveon!Morro #ninjago morro #ninjago garmadon #sensei garmadon #ninjago wu #ninjago misako #ninjago kai #did i mention others..? #umbreon!Garmadon #espeon!Wu #eevee!Misako #flareon!Kai #writing #info #pokeninjago lore #also idk if anyone else feels like the way i write character interactions is sappy af #but i'd like to make it clear that i do not in fact ship kai and lloyd #they're bros 💪

[anathewierdo]

Call of the Ocean  Chapter 35: Whispers in the Water

Pairing: CEO!Mechanic!Dean Winchester x Mermaid!Reader

Word count: 7968

Chapter summary: Everything is out in the open, things are looking up, but there is still one thing left to deal with: Michael. The gang makes a plan to ask for help from Sindarta’s allies. Dean learns something new with the help of Thames and Roan.

Series summary: CEO of Winchester Auto Dean Winchester has had enough of the office life. With his father keeping him from what he wants to do, which is work on the plant floor, Dean decides to leave for a quiet life. In Matagorda, Texas, he finds something he never thought he would, a chance encounter with a mythical creature.

Call of the Ocean Masterlist

A/N: Blessed be the queue. I wasn’t able to post this chapter live so I’m scheduling it. I really hop y’all like this chapter. This series is a collaboration with@ @flamencodiva​ . Text dividers made by the awesome @talesmaniac89​

Next chapter will be posted on Saturday, December 26th

Dean woke up to the sun shining into his room. Looking down, he smiled brightly at the sight. There was Y/N, head on his chest and her hand touching him gently on his waist. Dean lifted his hand and softly moved her hair out of her face. He gave a tiny chuckle as she scrunched up her nose at his movements. 

“Don’t move,” Y/N grumbled as she pulled him closer. 

“Good morning to you too, sunshine.”

Y/N let out a soft mewl as she stretched before placing a kiss on his chest, “do you still have questions?” she asked before she shifted her body to straddle him. 

“Regarding Thames, no. Regarding your kingdom and Michael, a few. And I will rip his lungs out if I ever see his ugly face,” He promised as he caressed Y/N’s arms. “There is a very important question I want to ask my girlfriend, though.”

“Oh?” she said as she pressed her chest against his and ran her fingers through his hair. Her eyes shined brightly as she looked at him. “And what is that?” 

“After we finally get out of this bed,” Dean pecked her cheek as he spoke. “Could we go swimming in the cave?”

“You want to go swimming?” Y/N smiled and looked at her bracelet. “The bracelet allows me to be a month on land without having to swim, but if you really want to, we can go,” she said as she rolled her hips slightly. “Though I really love being in bed with you right now.” 

“Feeling’s mutual, sweetheart.”

“How about you and I take this morning for you to show me,” she let her fingers dance on his jaw. “Other ways humans mate,” she whispered before kissing him deeply. 

Dean let out an appreciative gasp, “Oh yeah, with pleasure.” 

Y/N giggled. She absolutely loved making Dean lose his head with pleasure and she loved even more how he never failed to return it tenfold. Their kissing soon turned into a full-on making out session, turning, fondling. Dean’s fingers danced along her skin reaching down towards her most sensitive parts. She moaned as his fingers gently teased her. With a sly smirk, her own hands traveled down towards his cock, fingers teasing the head making him hiss. 

“What is it, Jellyfish?” Y/N asked innocently before letting out a soft moan as his fingers teased her more. “Something I did?” 

“Don’t act all innocent,” Dean chuckled. “How is it you are getting really good at human mating?” 

“I had a good teacher,” she gasped as Dean lined up to push gently inside her. 

Before anything could happen, a loud knock came from the door followed by Cas’s voice flowing through it.  

“Dean! There’s a woman at the front door! She says her name is Thames and she’s looking for Y/N!”

Dean and Y/N let out a groan. Y/N dropped her head onto his shoulder and sighed. 

“Think if we stay quiet he’ll go away?” she whispered. 

Dean sighed, kissing once more. “Nope.”

Case in point, Castiel knocked again, “Y/N? There’s someone looking for you! Are you guys up?”

Y/N groaned and reluctantly pulled away from Dean. “Coming, Cas!” with a heavy sigh she caressed Dean’s face. “Continue this later?” 

“I don’t see why not,” Dean chuckled and got up. “We shouldn’t keep your aunt waiting, sweetheart,” he looked at her. “She doesn’t like me, does she?” 

“She will. I’m sure. Especially since I happen to like you and you’re my boyfriend and as you said once: she can suck it if she doesn’t like it.”

“Look at you,” Dean smiled as he zipped up his pants. “Using human phrases,” he walked over to her as she put on her shirt. “I think I have become a bad influence on you.” 

“I kind of like it,” Y/N shrugged. “Come on, we shouldn’t keep her waiting.” 

Y/N and Dean finished getting dressed and headed downstairs where Thames stood in the middle of her living room arms crossed. She raised her eyebrow at the couple and gave the princess a small disapproving look. 

“Your highness,” she said. “There is much we need to discuss about what has happened back… home.” she glanced suspiciously at Castiel before looking at Dean. “I believe your… friend can stay here.”  

“What?” Cas titled his head in confusion. 

“We’ll tell you some about it later, Cas,” Y/N assured. “It’s nothing big.”

“I was talking about him,” Thames grumbled as she pointed at Dean. “He has no business--” 

“He will be there to hear what is going on,” Y/N said using her royal voice. “He is my boyfriend” she emphasized using the human term making Thames gasp. “He knows about our home, he knows what is going on. He will listen in on what has to be said.” 

The way the mermaid was looking at her, Y/N was certain that this was not the scroll keeper trying to contain herself, but instead the princess her aunt had been and still was after all these years. Castiel took his chance to leave, saying that if they needed him, he’d be at Benny’s and Andrea’s place and wished them luck. When the door was shut, Y/N took one more step closer to Thames and mustered the most serious look she could.

“He will stay.”

“My niece,” Thames breathed. “This human should not know all that much of our world. Learn from my mistake please,” 

“Are you saying that Thasman is a mistake?” Y/N growled at her aunt. 

Thames closed her eyes and sighed. “No, not that. But look at the heartache my actions have caused. This is not something I would wish on you.” 

“It won’t happen to me. When things settle down and Michael is gone, I’m abdicating.”

Thames looked at her niece before taking a deep breath. “And who will rule in your place?” 

“My father can still rule. And even if he couldn’t, Thasman is a member of the royal family, and he’s much better suited to rule than me,” She reasoned. “He won the duels after all, and he has royal blood running through his veins.”

Thames could see that it was no use arguing, “very well. Let us head to Ellen’s. There is much we must discuss and I guess the Sesmuna (human) will be in attendance.” she rolled her eyes. 

“He has a name you know,” Dean said as he stayed silent during the exchange. “Besides, I want to kick Michael’s tail just as much as you two. No one hurts my friends and no one tries to hurt my girl.” 

Thames’s lips formed a thin line as she looked at the human and huffed before walking out the front door, waiting for them on the porch. Y/N took in a deep breath before turning to Dean and smiling. Taking his hand, she led him out of the house and waited for him to lock up. The walk to Ellen’s was awkward, to say the least. The tension between Thames and Dean was thick. And all Dean wanted to do was make sure Y/N was safe and happy. He would never hurt her or put her through what her aunt had been through.

As they entered the house, they saw Ellen, Thasman, Roan and Bobby sitting in the small living room. Dean counted himself lucky for still having an hour before he had to go to the garage.

As soon as they crossed the door, Thasman had stood up from his place on the couch next to Roan.

“Took you long enough,” he began. “We’re trying to decide our next move. Michael needs to be dealt with, and from what Thames told me, some of our allies will come to our aid if we give them a plan.”

“Who have we been able to convince us to help, Thames?” Y/N asked as she looked to her aunt. 

“So far, we have Lintirania to the south, Atlaria to the west, But I am missing Zenara,” she sighed. 

“Isn’t Zenara where Michael is from?” Roan asked. 

“Yes. I tried to send a message, but there was no way that would have gone past Michael. I could only go to the nearest kingdoms.”

“But would they help us against their own prince?” Y/N asked. 

“They might not be the most diplomatic of all, but they do respect traditions and mermaid law.” Thames considered. “If they knew their prince lost and broke our laws, I have no doubt that the Queen of Zenara would come to our aid.”

Dean sat back as he listened. He looked at Bobby and Ellen who seemed just as confused as he was as to what was going on. 

“I’ll go,” Y/N said. “I’ll go to Zenara and tell them what happened.” She looked at Thames. “They would listen to me, wouldn’t they?” 

“You can’t go alone!” her aunt argued incredulously. “To get there, we would have to swim for five days if we got lucky enough to ride on dolphins. And that’s not even mentioning the fact that we would have to go through our kingdom’s travel routes. Straight through Michael.”

“Then I go,” Thasman offered. 

“Sit your ass down, boy,” Bobby scolded. “You ain’t going alone either.”

“Well if we want to prevent war with Zenara, someone has to go!” he argued.

Dean raised his hands in a ‘calm down’ motion, trying to prevent the argument from escalating. “Where even is this place?”

“Past what you Sesmuna’s call the Bahamas, in what you call the Bermuda Triangle,” Thames said as if it was obvious. 

“Why not take a plane to the Bahamas and then swim from there?” Dean asked as if it was obvious. 

And then he watched, confused, as the four merpeople had a collective shudder.

Bobby shook his head at them. “They don’t fly, boy.”

“Then we can charter a boat, go on a freaking cruise!” Dean said. “If they need help to get there without Michael seeing them, those are our options. As to who goes: I don’t want Y/N anywhere near that monster.” 

“I’m going whether you like it or not, Dean,” The woman in question growled.

“You and I can stay on the boat and relax while someone else goes. I don’t want that monster to get his hands or scales on you. No way no how,” Dean argued. 

“I wouldn’t go near him if we went on a boat, Dean,” insisted the princess. “And I have to go to Zenara. I am still the princess of Sindarta and my word will have weight when we are there.”

Dean looked at the determined look on Y/N’s face and sighed. “Okay, But I’m going with you. Even if I stay on the boat, I’ll rent out scuba gear or something.” 

“You have a business to run, Winchester,” Ellen reminded him as she went to get herself a cup of coffee. “Bobby and I have more possibilities of going.”  

Dean looked at Bobby and Ellen before looking at Y/N. He closed his eyes in frustration before reaching out and caressing the princess’s cheek. “Okay, I’ll-- I’ll stay behind, just.” he looked at Thasman. “Protect her with your life, will you?” 

“You don’t even have to ask that, Clownfish.” The merman answered before turning to Bobby. “How can we get a boat that will fit all of us and get us to Zenara?” 

“I’m sure I can find someone who owes me a favor,” Bobby said as he looked at the merpeople before him. “So, just need to know when you need to go?”

                                              ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

After what seemed like an hour of discussion the merpeople had agreed to leave as soon as possible, meaning tomorrow. If Bobby could swing a boat and a way for them to travel into international waters, well then it would be a success. Dean spent the rest of the day fixing cars and making sure the garage was in working order. Still, he couldn’t help but worry about the mission that Y/N would go on. He didn’t want to lose her. By the end of the day, the pendant around his neck gave off a warm sensation. 

“What the hell?” Dean muttered and he pulled the pendant from out of his shirt and observed it closely. 

The small pendant was glowing in his hand. This wasn’t an unusual thing for him; not anymore. It happened whenever he thought a lot regarding Y/N. The glow was discreet enough, so it couldn’t be seen through his clothes, but by this point, Dean thought that the thing might as well be glowing the whole damn time.

It seemed like it was calling to him. It always did. Like it was trying to guide Dean somewhere, probably towards Y/N, he thought. In the end he always ignored the itch and ended up feeling like something else was missing, like all the work Dean had done during the day hadn’t been enough, like he was supposed to do something more with Y/N.

And this little sucker had definitely glowed when he was in the cave with said mermaid, but there had been more important things to talk about, so it had just been dangling on his chest as he confessed to Y/N how he knew everything. Now that he thought back to it, last night, as he had come back and been with Y/N, he’d never felt so complete, but that feeling had only begun to make its presence known until he’d been in the cave. And the pendant had never been warm as it glowed.

Until he had entered the water.

Might as well try, he figured. Might as well scratch the itch now that he knew what to do.

With his final decision made, he drove to the parking lot of sorts the beach near his house had for the few who did come to the beach instead of just fishing whatever the big ships left behind. He got out of the car, clutching the pendant to his chest as he beelined to the cave. The closest he got to it, the stronger the itch became. The temptation to jump into the salted water, to swim, got bigger and bigger by the second and Dean could only oh so slowly succumb to the call and whim of the pendant.

Finally, he was inside the cave. He stripped as fast as he could, setting aside his clothing and staying in only his boxers. Dean took a nice deep breath as he stepped on the edge, looking at the water with a newfound admiration.

He didn’t notice he had jumped until he felt the water surround him.

Dean closed his eyes in contempt. It took him a minute but he opened his eyes and looked around. Everything seemed different, sharper. As he looked around he was compelled to try and swim deeper into the lagoon. Making his way down and trying to touch the floor. He wasn’t sure how long he was in the water but after a few minutes he decided to go back up. Taking in a gasp of air, he had never felt anything like it. Looking down at the pendant, it seemed to have stopped glowing for the moment. 

“Huh,” Dean whispered as he looked at it. “Should really ask about this.” he said to himself. 

“What are you doing in here, Sesmuna?!” A voice called from the entrance. 

“I came for a swim,” Dean said as he swam around on his back. 

“You should not be in here!” She scoffed. “This is no place for you. You need to leave.” 

“Why? Because I’m not a merman?”

“That is exactly right,” she huffed. “You are not as dim witted as you look.” 

“So me being human is the main problem you have with me.” he considered. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you won’t get rid of me that easily.”

“And what will you do if this causes the princess heart ache?” She asked. “What will you do when she is forced to stay in our world never to return?” 

“She wants to give up the throne,” Dean reminded her. “If she doesn’t want to be queen she shouldn’t be forced to be one.” 

“You humans think it is easy for us?” Thames said. 

“No,” Dean admitted. “But I do think you are not helping her find her happiness. Why would you want to have a miserable queen when she can be happy?”  

“And what would you know?” Thames said as she crossed her arms. “The last time I was here there was a--” she paused to find the word. “The circus! Yes, that was the word. Well let’s say one of the freaks as they were called was said to be a mermaid. Mind you I knew she was fake.” 

“How could you tell?”

“I spoke to her in our language and she didn't have a clue what I was saying. That and the tail was a fake. I could see the zipper running along the side.” She sneered. “To those Sesmuna’s dumb enough to believe the farce, they poked and proded the glass and wondered how. They said vile nasty things and It showed me a side of you creatures that I knew one day Robert might turn into once he realized how ‘wrong’ it was to love something like me.” 

Dean preferred to not interrupt the mermaid, seeing how much the mere idea of Bobby not accepting her hurt. Instead, he swam closer to the edge of the pond, giving Thames all of his attention.

“But there was more,” Thames swallowed the lump in her throat as she looked at the green-eyed man the princess was infatuated with. “There was a tent that housed these jars.” She closed her eyes and shook her head at the memory. “I recognized what was in one of those jars. It was a merchild. No more than a week old. In a jar for human enjoyment.” 

Dean could only stare, speechless and in horror, as he processed the memory Thames was reliving. 

“Thinking about it now,” she whispered. “It was that image that stopped me from going to Bobby when I found out I was with child. The merchild in a jar and there I was carrying a halfling.” 

“Bobby would’ve never done that, Thames,” he tried to assure Y/N’s aunt. “From what he told me, he really loves you.”

Thames shook her head, “It’s too late now.” She whispered. “But what would you do? What plans do you have now that you have her highness's heart?” 

“Plan?” Dean raised an eyebrow at her in confusion. “I plan to love her and take care of her for as long as she will have me.”  

The pendant gave a soft glow as he said the words. Thames tilted her head as she noticed the soft glow. Looking at Dean, she slowly walked towards him. 

“Tell me,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “Why do you have that?” 

“I found it on the shore. I didn’t think much of it at first, just thought it was something cool I found. I haven’t taken it off since. And apparently it was Y/N’s.”

“And what drew you in to the princess,” Thames said as she looked curiously at the human. “Surely there are more suitable human women for you to be with.”  

“What drew you into Bobby?” Dean shot back. “Surely there were more suitable mermen for you to be with.”

Thames raised her eyebrow at the human and sighed. Stripping herself of her clothes she jumped into the water and resurfaced behind him. 

“It was his gruffness if you must know,” she said. “There was just something about him that when I saw him I was pulled in. And he was gentle with a few sea turtles.” she smiled at the memory. “He helped them reach the water one spring day when they hatched.” 

Dean nodded, “he’s a teddy bear beneath all the grumpiness.”

“He is,” She agreed. “I do regret not telling him about Thasman. And yet all I could see was that cursed jar.” she took in a deep breath. “I know he would have done everything and anything to protect us, but who would protect him?” 

“I’d like to think you would,” he commented, “You seem as protective of him as he sounded of you. And if you are Thasman’s mother, then you must have at least part of that strength of his, huh?

“I control the currents,” she said as she swam around, her tail swaying in the water. “I have seen my son’s strength, but his true power has yet to manifest itself.” 

Dean stared ahead in consideration. “Huh, he’ll make a powerful merman, then. And what power does Michael have?”

“He never showed it,” Thames said. “Now that I think of it, he never did use his power against me when I escaped.” 

“Don’t all mermaids have powers of some sort?”

Thames shook her head, “Only the royal families. We were said to be given powers tied to the seas by the god Poseidon. Our liniages go all the way to the city of Atlantis. It is all but lost, only certain mermaids have seen it.” 

Dean took the pendant and let it dangle free as he lifted it out of the water to show it to Thames. “And what about this? Why does this glow?” 

“It is glowing for you?” she swam towards him and took the pendant in her hands. “Bavverissi Baveras!” she exclaimed. “It is vibrating with power. How?” 

“You tell me, I was only told that you would know about it.”

Thames looked up at the human and sighed. “You are tied to my niece.” she whispered. “Your bond has formed and there is no severing it.” She took in a deep breath. “Not now, not ever.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“There is a scroll that I read when I found this,” She said looking at Dean. “Tell me, why did you come here today?” 

The human shrugged, trying to brush away the nervousness her question gave him. “I just wanted to swim.”

“And what did you feel when you swam?” Thames said swimming around him. 

And now he was really starting to get nervous. “Nothing, it was just good.”

Thames hummed, “how did it look down there?” she tilted her head, wondering if the scroll she read was true. 

“Only rocks. I can’t see much.” 

“Was it clear or murky?” Thames asked. She took a closer look at him and began to poke him. 

“Why is that important?”

“Was it clear or murky?” she asked again. “Answer the question and I will tell you.” 

“It was clear. Sort of. There’s only rocks to look at here.”

“Follow me,” she said as she dived under the water. 

“Follow her she says,” Dean muttered. “I can’t hold my breath that long.” he looked around and sighed. 

Taking a deep breath he sunk under the water and followed the mermaid deeper into the lagoon. He watched as she swam past a small cave deeper into the cave and out towards the ocean. He chased after her as she swam faster. He kicked at his legs as fast as he could and the amulet seemed to give off a warm feeling. 

Thames turned around and swam back towards the cave swimming past Dean who frowned. Both of them were back in the cave’s lagoon as they broke the water's surface. 

“Tell me,” Thames said as Dean surfaced. “What did you feel?” 

“I– I don’t know, I was just trying to keep up with you. And I don’t think I have ever swam so fast in my life,” he gasped. “How long were we gone?

“Look outside and you tell me,” She said with a smile. “Let’s see if you can figure out what happened.” 

“What?”

Dean turned towards the entrance of the cave. Where there had been light that had made its way inside signaling that it had been daytime, was the characteristic orange that came with the beginning of the sunset.

“No way,” he shook his head. “I haven’t been swimming for that long. Hell, we weren’t swimming for that long.”

“That’s not all of it, Sesmuna.” 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked the scroll keeper. “What does it mean? Is it my connection to Y/N?” 

“You felt it, didn’t you? A pull here. A call. It’s not only your connection with Y/N that is helping the pendant work its magic. It’s also your willingness.”

“Willingness?” Dean asked. “To what, to help her? To try and join her in the ocean?” 

“Dean, you’re turning into a merman.”

“I’m what now?!” Dean squeaked as he gave her a shocked expression. “I-- how-- I mean I shouldn’t be surprised but--” he let his fingers wrap around the pendant. “Is it the pendant?” 

“It’s more than that,” Thames shook her head. “Your soul is compatible with Y/N’s.”

“Compatible?” Dean looked at the mermaid. “You mean soulmates? She’s my soulmate?” 

The mermaid nodded, no longer looking at him, but rather swimming back and forth, thinking. “Your connection, even in a weak state, drove her to your world. And I think now that she’s adapted to your world, the bond is driving you to hers.”

Dean let her words sink in, “does that mean you’ll accept me?” Dean asked. “I don’t want Y/N to not have a connection to her family no matter what happens. My family right now is not all together and I don’t want that to happen to Y/N. Not now not ever.” 

“If she stays on the surface, chances are she’ll lose a connection to us anyways.” 

“And if we visit? If I were to go with her to see you and her father when this whole bullshit with Michael is over?” Dean asked. “Would she lose her connection then? I don’t want that for her. I don’t want her to lose who she is.” 

“First we have to see how far the bond will take you. I said before that it was turning you into a merman, but that is only a possibility.” She swatted a hand. “As far as I remember, maybe all it will do is give you more time to breath underwater, and that does not mean that you will be physically capable of going to Sindarta.

“I can get scuba gear,” Dean said stubbornly. “I’ll do what it takes to not just keep her safe but make her happy. Can you at least believe that?” 

Thames stayed silent as she made her way to the shore, her scales giving way to legs as she got dressed. 

“We shall see, Sesmuna,” Thames sighed. “Now I must return to Ellen’s. I’m sure Y/N will be heading to your house soon.”

                                              ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Later that evening, true to Thames’s word, Y/N had shown up at his house. Dean decided not to get her hopes up and tell her what happened that afternoon with her aunt. But what Y/N said next shocked him. 

“My aunt is staying behind,” she said as they sat on the couch watching something on TV. although neither of them were paying attention. 

Dean frowned in confusion. After all the discussion that morning about how she had to go? “Why?”

“She said that she needed to reacquaint herself with the surface.” Y/N gave a shrug as she turned to face Dean. “Did anything happen today?”  

“We may have… talked. About what would happen when this was all over. And another thing I didn’t know about.”

“What? Maybe it’s something I can help answer.” Y/N asked as she caressed his cheek. 

Dean reached into his shirt and fished out the pendant, showing it to her as it gave that characteristic glow. “It had to do with this.”

Y/N looked at the pendant and then up at Dean. “How long has it been doing that? I’ve never seen it do that before.” 

“All the time,” he smiled teasingly. “Maybe you didn’t notice it because you were distracted by how adorable I am.”

Y/N giggled and kissed him deeply. “Maybe.” she said against his lips. “I mean you are as adorable as a flounder.” she teased. 

Dean shifted his body so that Y/N could straddle him on the couch. Dean raked his fingers through her hair as he pulled her closer to him, lips finding hers. Dean could feel the pendant warm against his skin as he caressed and kissed the princess. His heart pounding in his chest as they made out on the couch. Whatever they were watching was just noise in the background. Y/N smiled against his lips, she could see herself with no other human or merman, the way she saw herself with Dean. 

Dean broke the kiss and gently placed a few strands of her hair behind her ear. 

“Y/N,” he said looking deep into her eyes. “Tala mortume dal”  (I love you) 

Y/N smiled brightly, “Tala mortume dal, too.” 

In one swift motion. Dean held on to her thighs as he stood up from the couch earning a loud giggle from his mermaid. The sound filled his ears and heart as he made his way up to his room. Nearing his bed, he gently put her down, her knees hitting the mattress as she took off her shirt while he took off his. Their hands caressing each other's skin. Dean smirked as he began to trail kisses from Y/N’s neck down to her breasts. He took his time, nuzzling and taking her nipples in his mouth. 

He let out a chuckle when she arched her back at the sensation. This was something he never wanted to give up. He wanted to hold on to this feeling for as long as he could hold her in his arms. Continuing his kisses he slid down between her legs, teasing and nipping on her inner thighs. He let out a hum as her fingers raked through his hair. 

“You okay sweetheart?” he asked as he teased her gently. 

“Uh-huh,” she smiled, gasping.

Dean smiled before diving in, licking a long stripe along her slit before suckling on her sensitive nub. His fingers gently pushed in making her hips buck against him. He curled them slowly as he pumped them in and out of her. The sound of her moans making him harder than he’s ever been. Nothing could take this memory away from him. 

“Dean,” she breathed. “Please.” 

“Please, what?” he asked with a devilish smirk before plunging his tongue into her, tasting her. 

“Want to feel you,” she begged. 

“Is that a royal order?” he sassed as he continued to pump his fingers into her faster this time, pushing at her g-spot. He could feel her walls clench, he could feel her almost break. 

“Yes, right there.” Y/N writhed.

Dean hummed as he felt her let go, his fingers wet with her orgasm. He chuckled with a moan as he licked her one last time before moving his way up. 

“How about if you get on top?” he asked as he caressed her cheek. “Like this morning.” 

Y/N smiled, leaning into his touch before turning and kissing his palm. “Alright.”

Dean kissed her deeply as he turned their bodies. As Y/N was straddling him, Dean couldn’t help but look up and smirk at her. 

“I could get used to this,” he said, reaching up to kiss her. 

Dean reached over towards the nightstand and grabbed the familiar foil packet. Y/N shifted her hips as he tore it open and placed the familiar rubber sheath on to himself. Once it was on, Y/N sunk down on to him, gasping at the sensation. Dean placed his hands on her hips, guiding her as she bounced up and down on him.   . 

“God, Y/N, yes.” He growled.

Y/N let out a moan as she continued to ride him. She grabbed at his shoulders as his hand reached between them and he played with her sensitive nub. 

“You’re amazing, you know that? Come on, sweetheart. Oh, fuck.”

It didn’t take long for Y/N to clamp down on him and let go before he reached his own release. She gently lay on top of him, her fingers playing on the skin of his chest. 

“Dean,” she whispered, closing her eyes. 

Her boyfriend’s arms reached up, encasing her in them, his hands caressing up and down as he recovered his breath. “Yeah?”

“Do you think,” she took in a shaky breath. “When this is all over, that we can survive what might come?” 

“I hope so…” he sighed, kissing her forehead softly. “I’m sure as hell know that we’re going to try.”

“No matter what happens,” she played with the pendant. “Dal bi my hhu-hung.” she whispered. (You have my heart.)

“And you have mine, Y/N.”

With those last words, the couple fell asleep. The pendant gave a soft glow as their bond grew.

                                              ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The next morning, Dean had gone with the group to the marina where Bobby had rented a Meridian 411 Sedan boat. Dean couldn’t help himself as he asked questions about it’s safety and how it would run. Asking if Bobby had enough gas to last the trip they needed. 

“Boy,” Bobby grumbled. “Ellen and I have everything we need. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of Y/N. Thasman is going and Roan is staying behind with Thames.” Bobby looked over at the merwoman as she fussed over Thasman. 

“You’ll check in, right? But if something goes wrong how–”

Bobby placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, “You have the CB radio I gave you?” 

Dean nodded, “Yeah.” 

“You just keep your ears open if anything happens. Have it on the coast guard channel just in case.” 

Dean sighed and nodded before making his way to Y/N. 

“Do whatever you need to to stay safe, okay?” Dean croaked as he caressed her cheek. 

“Okay.” She nodded.  “I’ll be back in five days if things go well.”

Dean closed his eyes as he pulled her in for a deep kiss. His fingers intertwining into her hair. 

Thames rolled her eyes as she turned to her son. 

“Now,” she crossed her arms over her chest. “Make sure you are respectful and do not show your mark! Let Y/N handle the formalities. You are there as her guard.” 

“Understood.”

Thames had tried to reach for his cheek as she used to before but thought against it. Clearing her throat she gave him a smile. 

“Be safe,” she whispered. 

The merman nodded, giving her a reassuring smile. “We will, Thames. I promise.” 

It hurt more that he refused to call her mom. But she knew this was what would happen. 

“Very well,” she looked to Roan. “He is all yours.” she told the young trainer as she walked towards Bobby. “Don’t let him do anything stupid, Robert. He is known to be headstrong. Like someone I know.” she said, giving him a pointed look.  

“I’ll try to keep him in line,” the man in question promised. “But I think he turned out to be as headstrong as you if you ask me.”

Rolling her eyes she sighed. “Just watch out for him, please.” she all but pleaded. “I have already caused him pain. I miss my guppy.” 

“He still loves you, Thames. You just gotta give him some time.”

She nodded and looked over at her son and Roan. They were wrapped in each other's arms, lips locked in a kiss. 

“Make sure that you come back too,” she whispered to Bobby. “He needs you.” 

“I’ll be back,” he assured her. “Now, you stay out of trouble.” 

After the final goodbyes, Dean made his way to the garage after dropping off Thames and Roan at Ellen’s. The garage was fairly lively with oil changes and other work to be done. Dean looked at the mermaid painting in the main shop and hoped that everything would work out. By the afternoon, he was ready to meet Thames in the cave for another night of swimming. Reaching the cave, he noticed she was waiting in the cave with Roan by her side. 

“Um,” Dean looked at the two of them. “Hi, Roan.” 

The merman raised a hand in a casual wave. “Hello, Dean.”

“I take it, she told you what’s going on?” Dean asked as he began stripping his clothes.

“She did,” Roan smiled. “But if you are turning into a merman, I think you would need to remove the underwear,” he pointed out.  

Dean blushed, looking down to try and hide the red color his face had acquired as he took off his pants. “Do I have to?”

“If you want them to tear and break,” Thames said annoyed. “You can keep them on.” 

“Ah, shit.” He sighed. “Would you guys mind turning around?”

Roan let out a laugh as he turned around. Thames on the other hand, sighed. 

“You humans and modesty,” she turned her back reluctantly. “It’s not like I haven’t seen a human appendage before.” she grumbled. 

“Yeah but I don’t know you lady,” Dean called as he walked towards the water. 

With a deep breath he jumped in letting the water wash over him. 

“I’m in,” he grumbled. 

It turned out the merpeople had taken their own opportunity to undress while he was getting in. Roan didn’t waste time after he heard Dean give the okay, just turned around and ran to the edge before jumping in. As he surfaced, he made a contempt noise. 

“What?” Dean asked. “What is it?” 

“My three days were running thin.” Roan answered, a dopey smile on his lips as he shook his head to rid it of some water. “I was supposed to come here in a few hours anyways.”

“So, you need to be in the water every three days?” Dean asked. “What about Thasman? Y/N said her bracelet lets her stay up to a month on the surface.” 

“Merpeople have three days, or more like two and a half days on land before we sort of dry out.” The merman explained, swimming back as he gave Thames some space to get in. “Thasman can stay on land for a week because he’s half human.”

“Enough chatting,” Thames sighed. “Now, Dean, how do you feel today? Do you feel different from yesterday? Can you feel a change in your body?” 

“I mean, the itch to swim was stronger today… I don’t feel that much different.”

Thames let out a soft hum. “Close your eyes and just, let your skin soak up the ocean. Let the warmth of the pendant flow.” she looked at Roan before looking at Dean. “It might not even work, but the scrolls said that you must allow the change to happen.” 

“This better work,” Dean muttered. 

Dean closed his eyes, but he couldn’t feel anything. In fact, it felt ridiculous just paddling around. 

“You are not concentrating,” Thames pointed out. 

Dean let out a low growl, “I would if you didn’t distract me.”

Roan stepped in to try and ease the tension. “Give him a minute, Thames. Surely the change wouldn’t be instantaneous.”

Thames huffed, “Fine. But we do not have a lot of time.” she sighed. “How the princess can love a human like him I will not understand. Sloppy and unfocused, in what he should do.” 

“Thames,” Roan scolded. “Where did that come from?”

The human huffed in frustration, giving up the whole zen thing he was supposed to try. “Leave it, Roan. Lost Princess here is mad because I’m human. Oh but let’s not forget, a couple of months ago, you still hadn’t told either Y/N or Thasman that they were gonna marry their own cousin.”

“I was not going to let them go through with it!” She growled swimming up to him. “You have no idea the pain you and the princess will go through if this does not work.” 

“And that totally justifies treating me as if I’m some scum stuck to your tail for it?”

“Do you not understand that I am trying to save you both from heartache?!” Thames cried. “I was a princess, I fell in love and look at what happened!” She shook her head. “Do you not understand that it isn’t just the king that rules, but a council of elders?!” 

“And Y/N and I will deal with them when the time comes. Worrying about–”

“You realize that you will not survive it,” she whispered. “The council alone can be your death sentence.” 

“So they’re gonna have to take those oak trees out of their asses.” Dean gave her a cynical smile. “Worst case scenario, things go south in the worst possible way. But after the whole Michael ordeal? How are you so sure he hasn’t decided to kill them all after you left?”

Thames stayed silent and sighed. She didn’t know how to answer his assumptions. But she did notice something happening in the water. She gave a sly smirk and tilted her head at the human. 

“Who's to say that Michael himself won’t come to claim Y/N?” Thames challenged. “If what you say is true, then what is to stop him from finding her here with you and taking her.” 

“He can try. The only way he’d get Y/N while I was there is over my dead body.”

“Tell me Dean,” Thames said as she swam around Dean. “What would you do to protect Y/N if Michael ever makes his appearance?” 

“I wouldn’t let him get his damn scales on her,” Dean growled. He swam in unison with Thames. Never noticing that he had started to get a tail. 

“And how would you stop him, you don’t have a tail,” Thames pointed out. “How would you out swim him?” 

“I don’t know,” Dean said frustrated. “But I’ll try my hardest to fight to reach Y/N if it came to that.”  

“How about you race Roan then,” Thames said. “If you can beat Roan I will know that you have a slight fighting chance. I will show you how to fight our way.” 

“What?!” Dean exclaimed. “I can’t beat Roan! I don’t have fins!” 

“That is no excuse,” Thames said. “You know you have the pendant to help you. So what is stopping you from trying?” 

Dean stayed silent as he looked from Roan to Thames. Something felt different as he made his way to where Roan was waiting. Something changed in Dean as he dunked under the water looking at Roan. The merman's tail was a shade of Aqua that seemed to shimmer under the water's surface. Dean wondered what his own tail would look like if he sprouted one thanks to the pendant. 

 Resurfacing, he floated by Roan, waiting for Thames to begin their race. 

“One lap around the lagoon,” She said looking at them. “This will prove how badly you want to be with the princess. I want to know how worthy you are to be with my niece. I will not allow just anyone to be with her.” She looked at Dean. “Beat Roan, and I know you will mean it.” 

“I don’t understand you,” Dean sighed as he shook his head. “What is this going to prove.” 

“I know what lies ahead of you, if you and Y/N go down that path. And it won’t end well.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Dean argued. 

Thames remained silent as she looked at the human. He was very determined to be with her niece. She closed her eyes as she raised her arm. 

“Are you ready?” She asked as she opened her eyes to look at Roan and Dean. 

Both men nodded as they focused on their task. Thames had her hand up in the air and let it down signaling the start. Dean moved as quickly as he could, swimming faster than he ever had before. Roan let out a laugh as he and Dean swam neck and neck around the lagoon. Dean and Roan moved from the lagoon out to the open waters, making some laps around the coral reef. He had to bite his cheek at the sight of Dean’s green tail as it emerged. Whatever Thames said to him, helped him with his transformation. Dean’s tail was a shimmering emerald green to match his eyes. 

As the race continued, a figure lurked in the distance. A merman hid behind a large boulder as he watched the mermen race. He recognized one of them as the dolphin trainer Michael was looking for. He couldn’t tell who the merwoman was, she didn’t look familiar to him. But the scroll keeper he was looking for was nowhere to be found. The merman took note of his surroundings making sure he could tell Michael where he could find the dolphin trainer. With a good look around, the merman made his way back to the kingdom to report to Michael. 

Dean pulled a head of Roan as they made their way back into the cave. He could feel a burst of energy as he swam past Thames to the end of the race line. Making his way up his head broke the surface of the water as he waited for Roan and Thames. 

“I beat him!” Dean exclaimed happily as he watched Thames and Roan emerge. “I really did it.” 

“You did,” Thames sighed. “Tell me, do you feel any different?” 

“I feel great! I beat a fucking merman in a race!” He beamed. 

“You did,” Thames said with a small smile. “Take a look at your legs Sesmuna.” 

“Huh?”

Roan sent a small smile his way as he swam a little bit closer to him. 

“Clownfish,” Roan chuckled. “You have a tail.”

Dean looked down, and sure enough, staring right back at him, practically glowing for him to fucking pay attention to it, was a merman green colored tail. “Oh,” he breathed shakily.

The other merman smiled wide, amused at his reaction. “I think Y/N would love the color. It matches your eyes.” He sent Dean a wink as he swam towards Thames. 

“Sesmuna,” Thames swam up to him. “Do you understand what this means?” 

“You’re okay with Y/N and I being together now?” Dean said as he looked at the former princess. 

Thames rolled her eyes, “It means there is less of a chance for you to tell her secret.” She continued to hold on to her anger. Hold on to the fact that her own son was rejecting her and the man she loved may not love her the same. And now her niece was living a life she would have wanted for herself.  

“I wouldn’t have told your secret,” Dean said as he swam on his back letting his tail splash. “This is awesome! I can be with her when she needs to come and I can learn as much as I can!” 

“I think she would be the most surprised by this,” Roan said with a bright smile. “But I know you would have joined us for a swim with or without a tail.” 

“Damn right I would have!” Dean said as he swam up to Roan and Thames. “Are you guys hungry? I can cook for you guys. I know Ellen left some things but you guys are welcome to come to the house for dinner.” 

With that, Dean, Roan, and Thames left the cave, unaware of the storm that was headed their way. 

A/N: I BET Y’ALL DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING :D What did y’all think??

Any and all kind of feedback are appreciated. Please, like, reblog and comment <3

My asks are open in case you wanna send feedback, have questions or wanna be added to the tag list :)

Call of the Ocean tag list: (if your username is in bold italics, that means tumblr didn’t let me tag you)

 @67-chevy-baby @tmiships4life @cloudyskylines @chelsea072498 @carryon-doctor-lock @samanddeanwinchester67 @thatgirl1456 @satans-0-spawn @waywardrose13 @secretsthathauntus @parinarain @swagfancroissantpizza @roonyxx @roxytheimmortal @starryeyeseunbyul @rintheemolion @abeautifuldiaster124 @lovely-lynns-likes @ladyofmaidensandwine @starchildwild @peachyafshawn @idksupernatural @mimzy1994 @winchest09 @katehuntington @superfanficnatural @waywardbeanie @janicho88 @malfoysqueen14 @mrswhozeewhatsis @whatareyousearchingfordean @talesmaniac89 @emoryhemsworth @jensengirl83 @atc74 @deanwanddamons @crashdevlin​ @hobby27​ @eliwinchester99​ @notyourtypicalrose​ @babykalika2001 @anaelsbrunette​ @kickingitwithkirk​ @sandlee44​ @fandom-princess-forevermore​ @desertmoths @cookiechipdough @akshi8278 @theflamecrystal​ @tessellaneous @invisiblexnobodyximportant​ @supernatural-love14​ @itsdesiree86​ @teresa-67​ @beabutterfly987​ @sev3nruby​ @multifandomlover121​ @lunarmoon8​ @cutestdolans​

#dean winchester #dean x reader #dean winchester x reader #supernatural #dean winchester x mermaid!reader #mermaid au #ceo!dean x reader #mechanic!dean #mechanic!dean winchester #call of the ocean #coto #mechanic!dean x reader #mechanic dean #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fanfiction #mermaid!reader #mermaid!au #Supernatural Fan Fiction #supernatural fanfiction #dean x you #dean fluff #dean angst #dean smut #dean winchester smut

[shadow-scenarios]

Hello~ may I ask for something slightly specific? I wanted to ask about a scenario in which the reader recently obtains the Meta-Nav but instead of the PT finding out first, Goro does. See, the reader and Goro have recently become acquaintances and reader thinks that the Meta-Nav is something related to illegal activity so she goes to consult their detective friend on this mysterious app! Haha, sorry if this is too specific ;-;

Hey there simulationone, this isn’t too specific!! I like creative ideas that change the plot & this has been my favourite request to write so far.

However, I did change the request slightly. I made it so that the Reader awakened to their Persona & gains the MetaNav!! I hope that’s alright with you. If not, feel free to message me again and I can rewrite it.

{ Post Writing Note: Well, I wrote way too much!! Sorry if there’s less Akechi content than you thought, I got hyperfixated on how it would affect the plot. I’d love to write a Part 2 full of angst with this, so feel free to request it!! }

- Nexus.

Dance with Justice | Goro Akechi

Life at Kosei High was predictable. Like a metronome. Constant pressure to be the best & high achievement boundaries, it was a wonder how she was ever accepted without some sort of moonlighting as a prodigy. These stories of mental shutdowns & psychotic breakdowns made the world look grim & everyone seemed desperate to escape it all.

Comfort was found in the Phantom Thieves and how they manipulated hearts. Dancing the line between immoral & illegal, it was a grey area where the who was less significant than the how. Society grasped onto them as miraculous saviours as they solved cases faster than regular forces ever could: Kamoshida, Madarame, Kaneshiro, Medjed. The world was taken by storm, these renegade rogues looking to change the world & it seemed they were no longer an urban legend.

Their downfall was unexpected, to say the least. Okumura was murdered in cold blood, his mental shutdown playing onscreen during an important meeting where he was about to reveal an important factor in solving this buck-wild case. A calling card was found at the residence, the sigil of their misdeeds. Just when the mystery was about to unravel, the threads gave way to a bigger problem: Did the Phantom Thieves cause the very shutdowns everyone was trying to escape?

Swiftly, the media capitalised. Labelling them as criminals, demanding their arrest. Everything shifted so quickly & she was caught up by the egregious claims of both sides. There was one thing for certain: The Phantoms Thieves had killed someone and regardless of their previous deeds, they needed to be brought to justice.

Naturally, the first viable suspect she found was Yusuke Kitagawa.

He was of the eccentric sort, gaining a scholarship through art. Everything the strange man did was usually for the sake of ‘ Finding true beauty! ’, which was slightly melodramatic. Before Madarame’s case, he was fixated on art singularly. Now? He seemed to have other priorities. Whenever someone would discuss the Phantom Thieves in an art lesson, there was a glimmer in his eye & the paintbrush that had been on the canvas stopped in order to listen in.

A victim of Madarame’s plagiarism, which gave a plausible motive. Despite this, nothing was concrete. She thought about her friend, Akechi. Was this how he solved crimes?

Obviously, the next step was to follow Yusuke around. Sneaking around was rather easy, all she had ever been known as by the student populace was ‘ the girl who was friends with Akechi! ’, so standing out was not much of a problem. There was not much abnormal. Despite being somewhat of a social outcast, he had a small circle of friends. Six in total.

Five of them were clearly wearing the Shujin Academy uniform on the day she spotted them. One was tall in stature with fluffy black hair & thick framed glasses. Reserved in nature but he always appeared to have some sort of witty comeback. Soon he became known as Akira.

Another one was a blonde, around the same height. He wore the uniform much like a delinquent alongside a yellow graphic tee. Obnoxiously loud, as it was never difficult to hear what he was saying even from far away. The person closest to him was Ann. She had platinum blonde hair tied back into pigtails & features of an American.

Makoto was next. Clearly more of a calculating type, she wore the uniform immaculately. Wearing her hair in a French-braid styled headband, she had maroon coloured eyes & was around average height. Most of the time, she was commenting on the boy’s behaviour.

Haru Okumura was someone recognisable due to the news about her father’s death, which was saddening. In her uniform, she wore a fluffy pink turtleneck alongside white tights with flower patterns.

Futaba was just as strange as Yusuke. She used a mixture of gamer jargon whenever she spoke and was never seen in a uniform. About middle school age, she carried around a set of headphones everywhere that regularly rested atop her maple coloured hair.

Stuffed inside of Akira’s bag was also a cat that they tried to hide. Key word: Tried. Six of them & a cat.

They frequented a local cafe in Shibuya, LeBlanc. It was a nice location & she had even gone in there once to listen in. Boss was kind, to say the least. He served coffee with a warm smile & the curry combined perfectly enough to encourage a smile out of her.

On a Friday, the cafe was busy. They had gathered at one table & chatted casually. Most of them looked forelorn. Akira eventually gestured for them to take the conversation outside, where they would disturb fewer people.

Following behind them, she paid Boss & followed, attempting to seem casual. They never noticed. Conspicuously trailing into an alleyway, Ryuji pulled out his phone. Listening in was difficult so she opted to pull out her own phone and record. One of them, presumably Akira, simply said “ Mementos. ”.

Mementos. That singular word triggered something & changed everything. As the world began to violently shift in a strange phenomena, hues of vermillion & mauve dotted her vision. It was hypnotic. Eventually, she snapped out of the trance.

Concealed by masks & flashy outfits were the suspicious group she had been following. It was blatantly obvious by their hair colours. However, the animated cat creature was a surprise. It was reminiscent of the cat Akira carried around but even stranger was that it talked. Then it turned into a bus. Which did not seem all that strange.

Inherently familiar with their environment, they sped off down the escalator, leaving her alone with her thoughts. There were so many reds & greys. Thick red veins ran through the sides in mangled forms. The wall behind her was dilapidated & the only way to proceed was the escalator in front of her.

A fatal mistake, really.

Recalling the details of the awakening are fuzzy at best. These lumbering creatures formed entirely out of shadow began to take notice of her unwanted presence. Cornered, desperate and alone. Insurmountable pain; the voice of someone almost familiar; then freedom & rebellion.

With the pact of her Persona, everything was clearer. Life had previously moved in rhetorical patterns, it was now a whimsical dance. Eliminating the so called enemies with a weapon in hand, she eventually found a way back to the surface. The door at the beginning looked to be a way out, so she threw caution to the wind & took the chance.

Fatigue came first in this dingy alleyway. Adrenaline had been fuelling the push to leave alongside her newly granted power and once that was gone, nothing would spare her from raw exhaustion. Checking her phone in the hopes of finding evidence, the video taken was still there, though it cut off as soon as anyone disappeared.

Even without evidence, she knew that this group was doing something illicit. So she texted the one person she trusted with this secret: Goro Akechi. He was a detective, surely he would have answers.

;; I must speak with you in person as soon as possible. It’s regarding the Phantom Thieves, I have some evidence for you. You’re investigating them, correct?

Knowing full well that Akechi lived a busy life, she did not expect a response for a while. After gathering the strength to stand once again, she headed home. It was the most exhausting experience ever, physically & emotionally. A few minutes after returning home, there was a response from Akechi.

I am indeed investigating them. If you have any evidence regarding them, would it not be more convenient for me to receive it via text? ;;

;; Yes, it would be, but I can barely even believe the evidence presented to me. It’s better for you to see it for yourself. Are you attending school tomorrow?

Indeed I am. Pulling away from the public eye has benefits. If you are free during lunch, we can meet on the rooftop and discuss the supposed evidence that you have found. Does that sound like a compromise? ;;

;; Alright. I’ll see you on the rooftop tomorrow.

The next day was filled with trepidation. Everyone seemed to be mulling about & with how slowly the clock was moving, it was if the school was in a state of chronostasis. Although she did not share many classes with Akechi, there had been a moment where she saw a mop of hazelnut brown hair amongst a crowd, so he was likely to be there.

Sitting on the rooftop alone was slightly boring but she understood why he was late. Every time lunch began, Akechi would be surrounded by people who wanted his attention. It must have been rather annoying.

5. 10. 15. Minutes ticked by. During the winter, it was exceptionally cold so not a single soul came up. The chilly winter breeze nipped at her skin & for a moment she wondered if it was Akechi that she had seen. The brown hair easily could have been mistaken—

The creak of the door announced his presence. With a formal apology, he recalled how his teachers were intent on swarming him with catch up work that he would inevitably never complete. Dismissing it all & moving along with the subject, Akechi got straight to the point:

“ What was it you wished to speak to me about? ”, he asked.

“ I believe I have ascertained the identities of the Phantom Thieves, ” was the only reply she gave.

Looking astounded, he shifted his glove via force of habit & looked directly at her.

“ That’s quite the bold claim, ” he returned to a neutral expression as the mask of the Detective Prince slipped back on, “ Do you have any evidence? ”.

Recalling the story to the best of her ability was tedious. From the suspicious behaviour Yusuke had been demonstrating to the video evidence taken from her phone. Throughout the entire story, he maintained a neutral expression so she was never quite sure what to think.

“ Usually, I would disregard such stories as a strange dream or a vision you had & declare your footage as edited. However, I have... also had an encounter in this strange phenomena as well. ”

Everything began to make more sense as it was explained. Akechi rattled off about the cognitive world, Palaces, Personas & even how ‘ stealing someone’s heart ’ was possible. He explained that his plan was to lend the Phantom Thieves a hand in their next assignment & catch them in the very act. Specifically, their leader.

“ That explains a lot. Let me help you. I have a Persona as well & I can fight in that other world. I want to bring the Phantom Thieves to justice. They killed Okumura & many others if they are the ones behind the mental shutdowns. Tampering with the heart of another is wrong... ”

“... Alright. I suppose it will make things easier if it is the two of us. I hope you are a very good actor,” Akechi extended a reluctant hand for her to shake. His gaze was calculated, cold. Much different from his tone of voice. However, she took his hand & shook it.

With that, a contract was signed. Both herself & the detective would bring about the end of the Phantom Thieves.

Word Count: 1.9k

Publish Date: 27.09.20

#{ crow } #{ you don’t know how much i loved this request } #{ specific requests are always the best ones because you know they care } #{ turns out i’m actually an akechi stan in disguise } #{ i hand out akechi content like i hand out drugs } #goro akechi #akechi x reader #persona 5 royal #persona 5 royal x reader #persona 5 x reader #persona 5 imagines

[oscars-wifeyyy]

Chapter 13 (The Innocent)

It was back to school and Elizabeth’s last doctor’s appointment for her check up. It was a new year and junior year for her so she hoped that it would be one of the best. She found Monse and Cesar holding hands about to go downstairs so she caught up with them and walked next to them while Ruby, Olivia, and Jamal caught up and walked with them as well.

“It’s a new year,” Jamal said.

“And a new day,” Monse said with a smile.

“Finally, we can get back to normal,” Ruby said.

“Turner!” The football coach called out.

Lunch time came around and the crew was walking to find a seat and Jamal was freaking out, “guys! I have eyes on me,”

“Me too. post-shooting lookie-loos are out in full force,” Elizabeth groaned.

“Elizabeth, Ruby!” a girl called out. Elizabeth pulled down her shirt to show the gunshot wound while the girl took a picture, “thanks,”

“I don’t know how long I can take being Bullet Girl and Bullet Boy,” Elizabeth sat down at a lunch table.

“I just wanna get back to normal,” Ruby sighed.

“Normal?” Jasmine appeared, “Baby, you ain’t ever been normal! You got that special sauce flowing through your veins. And probably all over that juicy nalga,” Jasmine laughed while Elizabeth and Olivia tried to hold in their laugh, “Elizabeth said that I can sit with y’all,”

“Shoot, I forgot dessert,” Ruby tried to leave, but Jasmine wasn’t having any of it.

“Oh, you sit. I got you. Sugar free sweets for my super-sweet treat, coming right up!” Jasmine walked away.

“I’m sorry, but ever since my brush with death, I made a bargain with the big man. Or woman. Let’s just say the universe is gender neutral. But that part of the deal was to work on my karmic energy, be a better person so shit don’t go sideways,” Elizabeth explained.

“Couldn’t you choose to save the rain forest instead?” Monse asked.

“See? I knew this would be an issue,” Ruby said.

“Speaking of commitment, we need to make one. What are we gonna do with the cheddar? We need a plan of action ASAP. First thing after school, all-hands meeting. This kind of gouda can get ripe real quick. I’m not sure we can handle it if people start sniffing around,” Jamal said.

“Cheesy, but I like it,” Ruby said.

“Yes!” Jamal and Ruby fistbumped.

“Sorry, y’all keep me updated. I got a shift over at the restaurant today and I need the money,” Elizabeth shrugged.

The group nodded, “right now, the money as is makes us targets. We need to move quickly to wash the cash so we can use the money and help Cesar survive.” Monse added and Cesar agreed.

“Ok. So where are we meeting?”

“My dad’s coming home this afternoon,” Monse said.

“So we can’t do it at Monse’s and my house is pretty tense post big-debacle, and Cesar never hosts. So, Ruby, it’s you.” Jamal reasoned.

“No. Your mom doesn’t want me around,” Cesar said.

“Oh, my mom’s got a job all week, so we’re good. My house after school,” Ruby said.

Everyone agreed, but Elizabeth, “sorry, y’all. I got work after school, but let me know what you decide,”

After school, everyone went their separate ways and Oscar picked Elizabeth up at the next street, driving to the restaurant. The two talked about nothing in particular, just enjoyed the other’s company until they got to the restaurant.

“Thank, baby,” Elizabeth kissed Oscar’s cheek, “you’re probably going to be busy later so I can take the bus or call an uber,”

“Nah, if I am busy, one of your three Santos can pick you up,” Oscar scoffed, “you trippin’, you ain’t gonna use public transportation,”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, “whatever, estupido. I gotta go, bye,”

Elizabeth got out of the car and ran inside the restaurant, tying her apron strings behind her back, but the manager of the restaurant, Noah, came up to her, “Elizabeth, I need to talk to you in my office,”

“Ok,” Elizabeth hesitated going, but did it anyway, “what happened, sir?”

“It is to my understanding that you have suffered a gunshot wound,” Noah stated.

“Yes, sir,”

“Interesting. Well, seeing from where you are from, I am going to have to release you from this establishment. I don’t want any of your…” Noah grimaced, “gangs to come in here and destroy the reputation of this restaurant,”

Elizabeth was there, speechless, but a fire erupted in her as she started yelling, “are you frickin’ kidding me?! I am the hardest worker here and I do well from ‘where I’m from’. Now I see you for what you are. A typical white racist asshole who doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone else but himself, so no, I am not fired. I quit,” Elizabeth threw her apron at Noah and walked out. She saw Oscar still there so she jumped in his car, “let’s go home,”

“Que? Don’t you have work?” Oscar looked at her confused.

“No! I will explain it. Let’s just go!” Elizabeth seethed so as soon as Oscar started driving, she started talking, “Noah, the manager, fired me today because I got shot and he didn’t want any ‘gangs’ to ruin the reputation. That place doesn’t even have five stars on Yelp so reputation my ass,”

“What?” Oscar looked angry, “he fired you because you from Freeridge then?”

“Basically,” Elizabeth groaned, “Now I don’t have a job since Amazon is only a summer job. I have to find some job now,”

“No, you’re not. I got you,”

“No, Oscar. I am an independent woman that can handle her shit. I don’t need your money. Can we get tacos right now? I want to get some carnitas and carne asada tacos,” Elizabeth pulled her hair from the ponytail, “I can probably apply at the taco joint and at Dwayne’s, maybe,”

Oscar grabbed her hand, “bebe, you don’t need two jobs. Let me help you and ma out,”

“No. I got this. I can do this, I mean I’ve done this before. I can work weekends and after school, all nighters aren’t new to me, anyway. Less time with the squad, but that doesn’t matter,” Elizabeth rambled, “no, no. I got this, yeah,”

Oscar scoffed, but didn’t say anything until they got to Tio’s Taqueria. The two walked in and Marc Jimenez, the owner, walked out and greeted the Santos leader, “Hola, Spooky. What can I get for you today?”

“Let me get dos carnitas tacos y dos carne asada tacos,” Oscar nodded.

“Hello, sir. My name is Elizabeth Hernandes and I was wondering if I could maybe get a job here? I can help with anything at minimum wage,” Elizabeth shuffled her feet.

“Si, Elizabeth. My worker got deported not long ago so when can you start?” Marc asked.

“As soon as possible! I can work after school until closing every other day,” Elizabeth smiled.

“Muy bien. Spooky, it’s gonna be $5,” Marc said to Oscar, but Elizabeth jumped in and shoved a five dollar bill in his hand, “gracias, chica,”

“No. Give it back,” Oscar glared at Elizabeth, “I got you, Eli, so take your money and sit down,” Elizabeth stood her ground and glared right back, “fine. Take her money, I’ll make sure to tell a certain someone that you were planning to get two jobs. She won’t like that very much either,”

“Fine,” Elizabeth took back her five dollars and sat down at a table, “stupid boy thinks he can do all that shit,” a plan formulated in her head as she smirked and put the bill in her back pocket. Oscar sat down with her shortly after with the four tacos, “Thank you, Spooky,”

Oscar looked at her suspiciously, “what are you up to?”

Elizabeth looked up at him innocently, “what are you talking about, lovely?” Oscar scoffed, but still held a smile as he shook his head. Finally the two were done and on their way to Elizabeth’s place since Cesar texted her that he wasn’t gonna be in until night. The two settled in the living room, Elizabeth laying on top of Oscar as they lay across the couch, watching whatever was on until Elizabeth’s plan started in motion. Elizabeth looked up and started kissing Oscar enough to get him distracted and slowly put the five dollars in his front pocket.

They heard keys jingle through the front door so they scrambled to look normal, Elizabeth sat next to Oscar with her legs thrown over his as Oscar just sat with his arm around her. The door opened to reveal Leticia coming in with groceries so the two stood up and quickly helped her put them away, grabbing a couple snacks that she brought too.

“What were you guys doing?” Leticia asked the couple.

“Your daughter tried to distract me so she could shove five dollars in my pocket for the tacos I bought her today. Tell her to take it back,” Oscar held up the bill, “nothing gets passed me, amor,”

“Eli, get your money back right now,” Leticia said, “now, how was work?”

“I quit, but I got another one at the taco joint around the corner,” Elizabeth said.

“Why did you quit? I thought you liked working there,” Leticia questioned.

“Oh, nothing,” Elizabeth said as Oscar scoffed, “don’t lie, Elizabeth. She quit because the manager is racist. Talkin’ about bringing in gangs in the establishment or some shit,”

“Oscar!” Elizabeth yelled, “why did you snitch?!”

“Oh, you want me to snitch? Ok. Ma, Eli is going to get-” Oscar started, but Elizabeth covered his mouth, “Eli is going to bring home some tacos and barbeque once her new one job starts,”

Oscar pushed her hand away, “she’s getting two jobs. One at the taco joint y Dwayne’s Barbecue,”

“Elizabeth Hernandes, is that true?!” Leticia yelled.

Elizabeth began slapping Oscar, but Leticia took off her shoe and started hitting Elizabeth, “are you estupido? You are not supposed to be stuck here! You’re supposed to go to UCLA and get out, to get a better life outside of Freeridge! Don’t you dare get two jobs. I said I got the bills and things also stop hitting mi precioso,”

Elizabeth sat down on the couch, “wow, you love Oscar more than me. Ma, please. I want to help and I can stay up or do it during my electives and other classes because we all know I can ace it without even trying,”

Leticia sat down next to her, Oscar sitting on the armrest, “Mija, I am your mother. I am supposed to provide for you, not you provide for us. I will allow you to have these jobs, but I want you to use what you earned and go on a shopping spree or do something for you,”

“Thank you, mama. You do know I am still going to pay for some of the bills, right?” Elizabeth giggled as she hugged her mother.

“Oscar, talk some sense into this puta,” Leticia unwrapped Elizabeth’s arms from around her, “now, I am going to sleep. Buenas noches,”

“Buenas noches,”

#Oscar Diaz #oscar spooky diaz #oscar diaz imagine #oscar diaz x reader #oscar diaz imagines #the innocent oscar diaz fanfiction #spooky diaz #spooky diaz x reader #on my block #omb #netflix on my block #netflix omb #julio macias #julio macias fanfic #julio macias fanfiction

[dianapana]

SasuHina Month 2020- Day 13

Prompt:  Met Gala + Indirect Kiss.

Prologue 

Sasuke POV

I wake up when my phone just won’t stop ringing. I’ve ignored it for about 15 minutes but the damn thing just won’t shut up. With my eyes still closed I roll on my side and blindly search for the phone on my nightstand. It stops ringing just as I get my hand on it but it starts again the moment after. Without looking who it is I pick up and place it to my ear.

“Have you seen it?” my agent asks sounding part annoyed and part tired.

“Seen what?” I ask and take the phone from my ear to check the hour, it’s barely fucking 7 a.m. It’s my time off, I can’t believe he woke me up at 7 fucking a.m.

“Twitter. You have gone viral” he says; I can already picture him; his teeth are clenched and the vein on his forehead is about to pop.

“Why? How did I go viral when I did literally nothing?” I have no notifications on my phone besides the billion missed calls from him. It’s true most people aren’t awake this early in the morning and I always turn my internet off on my phone before going to bed; the notifications wake me up otherwise.

“Check it and we have to have a meeting. I’ll call the other agents and talk about how this should be handled.” He says and disconnects.

I’m tempted to ignore his call and go back to sleep but I know myself and now that I am up, I won’t be able to fall asleep again. Still instead of checking twitter right away I get up to take a shower and have some breakfast. Only after I’ve finished eating and drinking my coffee do I turn on my internet and I am immediately spammed from every social media app there is. I have been tagged and mentioned in a lot of posts. I click one of the tweets and it simply says “@SasukeUchia @HinataHyuga

#SasuHina

That’s it. That’s the tweet”

There are many other tweets similar in notion and they all have the #SasuHina, and each of them has over 70k retweets and comments and 150k likes. I am still extremely confused by what is happening. I keep scrolling until I reach a tweet that has pictures, the pictures are from last night’s Met Gala.

I start recalling my memories from last night

We were barely in the car when the night started going sour. Sakura was texting away on her phone with a speed I had never seen before, she was frowning and her mood was just…awful. Naruto kept sneezing, before we started getting ready, he had a fight with his and Hinata’s agents; he didn’t want to attend because of his cold but they pushed him; Hinata kept looking at him with sympathy and offering him tissues. We were 5 minutes away from the venue when Sakura put her phone away, no longer looking angry but more tired. Her shoulders were lowered and she burst into tears. Neither or us knew what to do for a moment before Hinata moved and rubbed her back for a moment.

“Sakura what’s wrong?” Hinata asked softly and did her best to dab her tears away without smudging her make-up.

“She broke up with me.” The air fizzled with anxiety for a moment. Sakura and her girlfriend whose name she never revealed to us, had been having problems since the fake dating thing started back in November. Honestly, I had never expected them to last that much; does that make me a dick? Maybe. But almost 5 months had passed and that’s a long time to be fighting with somebody. The car stopped and we had to get out and do the red-carpet walk. Sakura’s eyes were red just as Naruto’s nose. All in all we were a mess.

For a second, we all stood still, I was considering telling the driver to just take us back to the hotel but Sakura took the initiative and told us to move; so, we did. Naruto exited first and helped Hinata out. Her dress was massive so she needed a helping hand. I waited for the two to take a few steps away from the car before I got up and helped Sakura; thankfully she didn’t have a huge dress on but a pantsuit so it was easier for us to walk around and move.

As usually reporters kept screaming their questions at us even if we never actually answer any of them. Paparazzi too followed their normal routine and kept asking us to kiss but we didn’t. It didn’t feel right; Sakura was heartbroken and I’m pretty sure Hinata didn’t kiss Naruto because she didn’t want to catch his cold. After a hundred flashes blinded us, we made our way to the inside of the venue. Despite the fact that they had forced Naruto to come, our agents were kind enough to say we could leave early if we wanted to; I was quite sure, actually I was certain that we would.

The night went on as normal for a while, we chatted among ourselves, with other celebrities we did all you were supposed to do at this type of event. Sakura went to the bathroom to “check her make-up” but I heard her phone rang so I put one and one together and assumed she’d be in there for a while talking on the phone. Naruto and Hinata had split for a moment to go talk to different people and I took the opportunity to get myself some water. When i returned with my water, I walked back to where Hinata was sitting alone.

This is where apparently the night went wrong; the first pictures are from this following 5 minutes

As I’ve mentioned before Hinata and I aren’t close so even when I went to stand by her side we didn’t really talk. I took another sip of my water and looked around the room thinking we had stayed long enough and that we could leave soon. I turned to Hinata to tell her my idea and she too seemed eager to leave. I put my glass of water on the table behind us.

“You don’t want that anymore?” She asked and I shook my head, putting my hands into my pockets. She took the glass and drank the rest. I saw nothing weird then and I see nothing weird about it now, the past half year we’ve been shoved together so much that despite not knowing each other we were comfortable. Naruto finished talking and he was looking for us; I nodded towards the door telling him silently that we were ready to bounce and he nodded back.

“I’ll go look for Sakura so we can all leave” Hinata said and took a step forward, she hadn’t held onto the skirt of her dress and stepped on it and stumbled, so I did what everyone would do in that case; I caught her. I held onto her waist and arm until she was back on her feet and stable. She looked up at me with red cheeks; probably from the embarrassment that could have been and thanked me. I let go of her and she went on to find Sakura. The two of them returned soon; Sakura had cried some more, it was obvious from the redness of her eyes and the smudged make-up. The two girls walked in front of us and we all moved quite fast so the paparazzi couldn’t take clear pictures of us. We got into the limo and left. Instead of going to the hotel where we all got ready, we asked the limo to take each of us home. Sakura lived the closest; than Naruto; Hinata and I were last. We were alone in the limo a maximum of 10 minutes which she spent with her eyes closed her head tilted back. When we got to where she lived, I got out of the limo to help her with the dress and walked her to the elevator so she wouldn’t fall again. We hugged good night and I went on my way. I got home took a shower, put on some boxers and went to sleep. I slept until I was woken by my agent and now, I’m looking at the pictures on this twitter thread.

The first one is me holding my glass water, the second is of me drinking, then the glass is on the table and the final one is Hinata drinking from it. The most liked comment under these pictures is the one saying “So they just swapping saliva like nobody’s business. Can I get and ‘indirect kiss’ please? Anyone?”

The next pictures are of me when I caught her; my arms around her waist and her looking up at me flushed. I know how that looks out of context…The comments on this one vary, but most of them have the word ‘swoon’ in them.

The next pictures are of me helping her out of the car, me walking her to the door, us hugging but the angle on the last one is weird and I have a suspicion that whatever scumbag paparazzi followed us did that intentionally. It doesn’t look like a simple hug. It looked like a kiss. This tweet has the most likes and comments and as I’m looking at it, people keep liking it and retweeting. It has over 170k likes.

I scroll for a while longer and I keep seeing the same few pictures and just people making up something that really isn’t there. I stop when I see a picture of us leaving. Hinata looks at Sakura with sad eyes; Sakura’s eyes are visible you can tell she has been crying; Naruto is behind and he had just sneezed and they caught him with a weird expression on that looks similar to disgust and I just look tired. That certain post has the SasuHina hashtag but it’s a hate post. The thread goes on and on saying how disgusted this person is with me and Hianta for breaking Naruto and Sakura’s heart. How we’re cruel for doing that in public and so on. Another person points out the fact that unlike normally we did not kiss for the paparazzi. They keep on piling up evidence from nothing.

I keep scrolling and scrolling and even after almost 2 hours I can’t reach the beginning of the hashtag. We returned home at about 1 or 2 in the morning. How could this happen in 5 hours?

I walk to my bedroom, put my phone down and lay down. My phone keeps buzzing with each notification. I only looked on twitter. But the notifications come from every social media platform that I am on. I don’t know how we are going to fix that. We could tell the truth that nothing is there but misleading pictures. We could even go as far as to tell everyone that the dating was fake all along. That would be a huge relief for all of us I am certain.

My phone rings a few moments later and I see it’s Naruto. The fact that he’s awake at 9 in the morning is concerning.

“Dude. People took 7 pictures out of context and made a literal drama. I had like 25 texts from random actresses telling me that it’s such a shame Hinata and I broke up and that they are there for me if I need the comfort”

“Yea it’s all a mess.” I say and sigh loudly.

“Did you get any kind of shade?” He asks and he sound concerned.

“No, what do you mean?”

“Well I just talked to Hinata for about 30 minutes. She was really upset. Apart from you and hers ship name trending and most of her accounts gaining a lot of new followers she said she got a shit ton of hate too. People messaging her telling her she’s a whore and shit like that. People are disgusting man”

I clench my teeth and just say that I got nothing. I can’t fucking believe they are slut shaming her. I mean I do believe it I know that people suck but it still feels so wrong and unfair. They are shaming her only and not me. She’s the female and society has decided she is the bad one, she is the one with the fault, the one to blame. I hang up with Naruto and look for Hinata’s number in my phone. I want to text her and see if she’s ok. I feel bad and responsible.

I start laughing like a maniac when I realize I don’t even have her fucking number. We’ve been coworkers from 8 years and I don’t have her number, I know literally nothing about her. And three interactions have been blown out of proportions by people and fucked with our lives.

A couple hours later all 4 of us and our agents are in a meeting. Hinata looks ok, maybe a little annoyed, I was worried she’d be crying or throw a fit. Naruto’s cold seems to be worse; he looked like a zombie and Sakura has sunglasses on, inside so I can only assume she’s feeling peachy too.

“We haven’t yet decided how to handle this but the damage is done I don’t think we can simply deny the pictures and go back to normal, nor do we really want to. The SasuHina thing is bigger than anything we’ve seen in a while” My agent states and looks to the others to go on.

“Maybe the best course of action is to come clean, tell everyone that the two couples split up a while ago but you guys are still really good friends and on amazing terms which is why you didn’t want to make it public yet and create any sort of drama” Sakura’s agent is the one to speak next and he does look to be a bit regretful. Had this happened a few days faster maybe Sakura and her girlfriend wouldn’t have broken up, pretty sure most of us are thinking that.

“But we won’t be addressing the SasuHina thing yet; if someone asks about it during an interview in the following weeks you all have to say ‘no comment’” My agent added.

“Why? Won’t that make them think we are dating…?” Hinata asks and her agent nods.

“It’s vague. You don’t say no and you don’t say yes either. The amount of exposure you two are getting right this moment is huge. We even got a few shows calling asking for the two of you to be the protagonists” Her agent says and stops for a second for, what I can only assume is dramatic effect. “One of the offers is a really huge movie that people have been waiting for a long time but it kept getting postponed, it is after a book and the writer has the last say when it comes to casting and she never liked any of the actors but this time she is the one that contacted us not the casting director. All you have to do is go audition and the roles will be yours”

I haven’t really started looking into new roles yet, despite Naruto being done for almost half an year we’ve still been very busy with other things still about it. There’s even a talk about them wanting to film a documentary with us actors talking about the journey and how we think we differ from our character and such. But having options is always good and even if I do get casted and don’t really enjoy the role, I can always turn it down. I look to Hinata and she too is in deep thought but her eyes raise to mine and I rise an eyebrow towards her and she shrugs and nods.

Just when I thought the fake dating was over with…We both say we’d like to audition for this movie and our agents start moving on super speed making phone calls, organizing conferences, booking plane tickets and hotels. The buzz of the Naruto ending was just starting to fade a little and I thought I could have a few weeks off but it seems that’s not in the books for me.

#sasuhina #sasuhina month #sasuhina month 2020 #shmonth2020 #SH2020 #sasuke #hinata #sasuke uchiha #hinata hyuuga #naruto #sasuhina fanfic #hinasasu #fan #fanfiction #writing #writers #writers on tumblr #diawrites #dia-story

[supernaturalee]

Green and Gold: Part 2 - Gwilym Lee x Reader

Pairings: Widow/Single Father! Gwilym Lee x Reader

Warnings: Some swearing, Mentions of X rated thoughts, and more KAREN

Word Count: 4.4k

Previous Parts: One

Summary: When Gwilym lost his wife two years ago he feared raising his daughter alone in a small coastal New Jersey town would be difficult. In the two years since her death, Gwil and Brianne are finally ready to start moving on. Following the words of a child psychologist, Gwil signs Bri up for cheerleading with the local youth squad, something Gwil knows nothing about. As he is thrust in the world of cheer bows and back handsprings, he will learn it takes a lot more than green and gold uniforms to mend his and his daughter’s hearts. Hopefully through the squad they will find strength, friendship, and possibly a spark of new love for the widow himself.  

Taglist:@the-baby-bookworm​ @ixchel-9275​ @slutforbritdick​ @kurt-nightcrawler​ @radio-hoo-ha​ @imgonnabeyourslave​ @queendeakyy​ @girllety​ @im-an-adult-ish​ @what-wicked-delights​ @drivenbybri​

Author’s Note: It’s almost 2 am EST and I thought to myself, why not post part two. We are getting into meat of the story here, y’all! Again, this update is late, but my writing was hard to come by for a while. So without further ado, he is part 2 of Green & Gold. Please let me know if you want to be tagged in future installments. 

In the four short weeks since Brianne had started cheerleading practice, Gwilym had come to learn three absolute truths. First being that cheer made Bri happier than Gwil had ever hoped. In the time since that first practice, he had seen her smile more than he had seen since before Angela had passed away. Her eyes lit up now whenever she spoke about how the routine was coming along or how she was learning all of these different things. Such as stunts or new tumbling passages or jumps that had odd names like toe touches, herkies, and pikes. While Gwilym cooked dinner or checked over her homework, he could always hear her routine music coming from the stereo in the living room. Once he got her to wash her hands and then settled at the table. It would become Gwilym’s inquiry into the world of cheerleading and Brianne was more than happy to oblige his many questions. 

Bri had taken to cheering like a fish takes to water. It was in her blood, Angela’s cheerleading history flowing through Brianne’s veins now. It made Gwil so happy. She spent three nights a week on the mat now and Saturday during the day at either the home field or away fields cheering on the young football players. The football team’s age coincided with the cheerleaders of Bri's team’s ages. Or the Mustang Pee Wees as Gwil had learned. He had finally found out the difference between the game cheers and the competition cheer as Bri had once told him. He usually sat in the game bleachers trying to decipher how American football was more popular than actual football. Or as Y/N lovingly reminded him every time he complained, “It’s soccer here.” she would say with a smile. At first he thought it was kind of annoying but now anytime she reminded him, he found it endearing. The way her lips curled up in a smile as she said it, he found himself mesmerized by it. 

When Brianne wasn’t cheering and once her homework was done, she could be found hanging out with her new friends Jasmine, Joey, and Selma. The carpool Y/N had promised had been fruitful for Brianne and Gwilym on the friendship front. They had been the type of cheer parents Gwilym had hoped for and luckily he got in with them instead of the others. That was the second absolute truth he learned that, cheer parents were absolutely bonkers bananas insane. Karen Diguimi was just the tip of the massive iceberg that was the “Stepford Stangs” as Joe lovingly coined them. Gwil had now become a member of the mailing list. A dreaded place to be that he wouldn’t have agreed to had he known what a nightmare it truly was. 

He had now started to receive daily emails with updates on fundraising and how close they were to the nice buses. Game schedules, rule changes, and low fat recipes to keep your little cheerleader in proper cheering shape were among the other important articles. Plus little snide comments on the surrounding towns’ teams and how far superior the Mustangs were to them. It was like a tabloid magazine that Gwil now had a daily subscription too.

 Y/N had sent him a long paragraph text about the low carb recipes and how dare the “Stepford Stangs” imply that only certain shaped children could be cheerleaders. ‘It is the middle of October and they are nine and ten years old. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE SWIMSUIT READY?! Gwil, you will have to stop me from strangling Karen at the next practice.’ It made Gwilym feel a swell of pride for a moment that he read her text. It caused the return of a certain set of emotions. These feelings that he was feeling were something he hadn’t felt in a long time. 

Often he would check over the email for that week’s game schedule then file the email away. His new gang of misfit parents would mock the over ridiculous links in the emails or the fact that they received a new one every day. Joe always sent a meme or two about them, while Rami commented on the complete lack of email etiquette. ‘It’s too many emails and too many people hit Reply All instead of reply. It is chaotic!’ Rami had sent in their group chat. ‘I think its nice to keep us informed with the same information that we knew yesterday.’ Lucy had added. Gwil finally being able to put a face to the name as he met Rami’s other half at the first football game of the year. She was blonde, slim, and in a way almost fairy like. Her movements were graceful but she had this hidden strength to her. Rami and Lucy complimented each other well. Rami was a computer engineer, who like Gwil, could do most of his work from home. Lucy, on the other hand, was a certified midwife and a nurse at the local OBGYN. Often traveling between the hospital and the doctor office. Their schedules mostly allow for their twin girls’ busy sports schedules to work. Joe ran an accounting firm but swore he was bad at math. He stated he liked the business but preferred leaving the accounting to his dedicated small team of accountants.

Finally, the third absolute truth that Gwilym Lee knew was that Wednesday nights were now his favorite night of the week. It was the only night parents were allowed to stay for the whole practice. This meant about two hours of watching Bri have the most fun and grow into an even stronger, more beautiful young woman. It also meant getting to spend time with his new friends including Y/N.  Y/N had quickly become Gwil’s confidant in all things cheer related. Any question or need he had, she had the answer and was always there with a smile. It was just another reason why Gwil was now harboring a crush on this woman. He and Bri had not seen her coming. He thought he would scrap by with googled information and keep his head down. He would be quiet and lonely,  knowing just enough to get by. 

Yet there was Y/N with her intelligence, her helping hand, and her kind heart. Bri also loved her and Jasmine. She was treated with so much love, respect, and care by Y/N. Gwil found it hard to keep himself from melting every time he was in her gaze. He felt like a teenage boy with a crush. He had confided in Ben who told him to get back on the horse. However, to Gwil, the horse was a twenty foot tall bear that was very hungry. Angela was still on his mind, in his life, in his heart. He saw her every day in the brown eyes of his daughter. He feared that any new relationship he would start would be doomed to be branded as the rebound relationship for the man with the dead wife. Even if he found someone, they had to pass the most important test in his book, being well loved by the most important person in his life, Brianne. He shook away the heavy thoughts as the red light turned green. He pressed his foot on the gas as he continued the drive to practice. Bri and Jasmine chatting in the back of his car. 

Y/N had asked him to pick Jasmine up from school and drive her to practice. Y/N had a meeting with the college board about one of her students. She would meet them at the cheer gym later. Gwil’s mind couldn’t help but wander to Y/N. He hoped her meeting went well. He knew in just the short few weeks of knowing her that her job meant a tremendous amount to her. Professor Y/L/N had a very nice ring to it. His mind wandering further to dirtier thoughts. If they were ever to be together would she let him play the teacher's pet. His fantasy slowly took form in his head when Bri’s voice snapped him back to reality. 

“Dad?” No answer came from the driver’s seat. “Earth to dad. Father?” She laughed. Gwil pushed all X rated thoughts from his mind and looked to the rear view. 

“Hmm?” He answered, putting on a small smile to show her that he has really been paying attention the whole time. 

“Could Jasmine and Ms. Y/L/N come to dinner with us?” Bri asked sweetly. The two had joined them for dinner every Wednesday night since that first practice. 

“Please Mr. Lee!” Jasmine used the same sweet voice. Gwil rubbed his jaw with his free hand as the two girls started repeating the world please. 

“Please please please please please please please please please please please please please!” Bri and Jasmine begged together. Gwilym laughed, smiling. 

“It is fine with me but we will have to ask your aunt, Jasmine, when we see her.” He said.  Both girls cheered happily as they looked at each other. 

“Of course Mr. Lee!” Jasmine smiled. “Aunt Y/N likes getting dinner with you and Bri.” Jasmine said. Gwil felt his cheeks heat up for a moment. This came as a surprise to him in a way. Sure he knew she cared about their friendship but maybe this meant she also felt something more for him. He quickly pushed this thought away, no it wasn’t a good time for him to get into a new relationship. I’m not ready. His thoughts continued his mantra. 

“Well we like having dinner with both of you as well, dear.” He answered her. Jasmine’s smile grew. She was a wonderful little girl who Gwilym had grown to care for. She didn’t know what she was doing for Brianne, but Gwil did and how it helped her improve immensely. He had known his daughter had tried to hide her sadness from him. It was something she tried to do to prove she was strong like Angela but she didn’t need to. Gwil and her grandparents knew that Brianne had every ounce of Angela’s strength tenfold. 

As he pulled into the parking lot of the cheer gym he saw Y/N’s Jeep had not yet arrived. He also didn’t see Joe’s or Rami’s cars either which meant he would be alone. He would most likely have to face yet another conversation with Karen. Or he could just hide out in his car until his friends arrived. He shook his head for a moment, he had to go inside, he could handle this. As both young girls made their way inside, Gwil followed behind them making sure both safely got in the building. 

He signed both in at the desk where the young man who Gwil had learned was one of the coaches’ sons sat. He gave the teenaged boy a wave before moving to his usual spot in the bleachers. He had settled into the groove of sitting with everyone, Gwil sat on a lower bench due to his height, while Y/N sat on the bleacher bench above him so she could make eye contact easier. Rami would sit above her and then Joe would sit beside her, the four almost making a little diamond of security. His blue eyes looked around the room before he spotted her. 

Karen was talking to some of the other team parents, her eyes scanning the room for him. He dropped his head down trying to hide himself from her.

“Oh Gwilym!” She exclaimed, moving to him. Gwil sat up straight, damn he had been caught. He politely smiled and nodded. Please don’t come over, please don’t come over, please don’t come over… He repeated in his head, it was too little too late. She made her way over to his place of peace and quiet. 

“Hello Mrs. Digumi.” He said politely. Her smile grew. Damn, his British charm. She stood in front of him. 

“Please call me Karen.” She smiled still. “I wanted to ask how everything was going with Brianne. She is quite the little cheerleader. One of the best on the squad. Almost as good as my little McKenna.” 

“Thank you. I will tell her that later. She certainly seems to be enjoying it and that makes me happy.” He said honestly, maybe he was wrong about Karen. 

“You should have her over for a play date with my McKenna. You and I can exchange parenting tips or tips of some other kind.” She batted her heavily mascaraed eyes at him. He gulped softly. 

“I will have to talk to Bri about it and get back to you Mrs. Dig-Karen.” He corrected himself. 

“I am just saying Brianne seems like a very sweet girl and you don’t want her to get in with the wrong crowd before middle school. Popularity is key and my little McKenna is going to be one of the most popular girls in school. Just like I was. If Brianne settles herself with the likes of those children, her social life is over and I don’t want that for her or for you. Popularity is everything.” She said as she sat next to him. No, he wasn’t wrong about Karen.

Wrong crowd? What the hell, they are children not teenagers. He thought to himself before defending the children of his friends. Popularity is everything. What a bunch of bullocks. 

“Jasmine, Joey, and Selma are good kids. They are smart, fun, courteous, kind and they are Bri’s friends. They were the first ones to welcome her with open arms,” He said. Gwil was a bit taken aback that a grown woman would say something like that about ten year olds. If Bri and Jasmine weren’t on the mat about 50 feet away, he would have forgotten his manners and let Karen have it. 

“I don’t appreciate you talking that way about my friends’ children or about your child’s fellow teammates.”   He continued, his tone was serious and sharp. Her eyes went wide as she heard the manner in which he spoke. 

“Oh! I didn’t mean the kids! I meant, um, the parents.” She was quick to backtrack and try to fix her mistake. Her chance with the Welsh man slipping away. “Gwilly, you are new to all of this. I should have specified that I meant that if Brianne settles herself with the likes of the parents of those children, her social life is over. You both deserve so much but you are still so naive, honey.” 

“My name is Gwilym.” He stated. She had called him Gwilly, a nickname that Angela would lovingly call him after a few glasses of wine. How dare this woman even try to put herself in the same realm of love as his wife. 

“I am so sorry honey.” She smiled to try to cover up the large hole she had dug for herself. “Like I was saying to you that first practice those parents you have chosen to bond with don’t understand the mustang way.” It was clear to Gwilym that Karen intended to keep digging. “Especially Y/N, I mean she likes to pretend she was a good cheerleader because she was once a national champion herself. But she was the worst one of that team, I should know, I did date her brother.” Karen said as jealousy slipped between each word. It was clear to her that Gwilym cared more for Y/N than he would ever care for her. “They carried her to the gold medal and she got the recognition for it like everyone else. Even made her brother break up with me, how dare she. That bitch.” That was the final straw for him.  

“I am going to stop you right there, Mrs. Diguimi. I do not want to hear you ever bad mouth my friends or their children. Please understand I am friendly with you because I have to be. You are the team mom and I do not really like having issues with anyone. However, my daughter is the only reason I am here. Y/N, Joe, Lucy and Rami plus their amazing children came as an incredible bonus to all of this. You did not.” He said calmly. “Now please step away from me and know, this is the last conversation we will have that is not about fundraising or cheering information. I do not take kindly to people belittling others or their children for their own personal benefit. Thank you and have a good night.” 

Karen let out a breath of air through her nose, standing up quickly. Moving from the bleachers, staring him down. 

“Oh I understand.” Her voice dripped with sweetly sickening venom. “If you ever change your mind I am right over there with the good parents.” She moved to the other waiting ‘Stepford Stangs’. Gwil let out a long breath as a smile appeared on his lips. God, how good it felt to let her have it and god how he wished Y/N had seen him. She would be so proud once he told her. It was the sudden sound of two voices that drew him away from his fantasy. 

“I see you are on the list now.” Rami said as he and Joe joined Gwilym in the bleachers. 

“List?” He asked, tilting his head curiously. 

“I’ll let Joe explain.” Rami smiled. 

“It is Karen Diguimi’s way of saying you are cancelled until you apologize.” Joe smirked. “We just caught the tail end of what you were saying but from what we heard, it was fucking brilliant.” He said quietly enough for just the three men to hear. “Welcome to the list. I have been on it since the ‘I won’t let my underage child wash stranger’s cars in the shortest shorts debacle of last summer season.” Joe said. 

“Rami, how did you end up on the list? It seems like she likes you the most out of all of us.” Gwil asked. Rami chuckled. 

“I once asked her if the pom poms for adults were necessary at a competition because it was just one extra thing to carry.” 

“That’s not too bad.”

“She also hates my wife.”

“Ah, I see.”

“So we both reside on the list with Joe and Y/N.”

“What did Y/N do to get on the list?”

“What hasn’t she done to get on the list?” Joe laughed. “First it was being Dominic Y/L/N’s little sister during high school. Then it was becoming Jasmine’s key guardian when he died, then it was a few other arbitrary things I don’t remember, but most recently, it was getting you to be our friend instead of hers.” Joe said. 

“It’s a rite of passage to get on the list.” Rami said. All three men laughed as Gwil felt more at peace than ever before. Even though Karen had basically verbally bashed children in front of him and badmouthed Y/N, she did provide one key piece of vital information. Y/N as a former national champion for the Mustangs, maybe even on the same squad as his late wife. He marked it in his brain to ask her later. 

As practice started and the three men continued their conversation, still no Y/N. Part of Gwilym began to worry that something bad had happened. He checked his phone to see if she had called or texted but nothing. He tried to push the worry to the back of his mind as Joe began to talk about the upcoming competition this weekend. It was the same thing Bri had not stopped talking about for the past week. Even as he got her and Jasmine into the car today, they talked about their nervous excitement for it. 

Joe was going to ride up with Rami and Lucy. Figuring Gwil would want to carpool with Y/N. Actually all three of them, Joe, Rami, and Lucy, hoped something would blossom between the two. 

“Oh I hadn’t even thought to ask her. It is probably too late, I will just drive up myself.” He said he was a bit disappointed he hadn’t asked. 

“She’ll say yes if you do ask.” Rami smled. 

“She might not.” Gwil continued. 

“Oh no, she will definitely say yes.” Joe smiled slyly. Both men looked at each like they both held the same secret that Gwil wasn’t privy to. It was at that moment Y/N moved into the gym still in her work clothes. Her blazer that was once covering the purple silk blouse, was replaced by a jean jacket. She wore black slacks and black vans. 

“I don’t drive in heels, I don’t want to be responsible for that many lives.” She had told him their first Wednesday night dinner out with the girls. He knew that she kept a pair of black lace up vans in her Jeep for the drive home from the university. 

“Speak of the Devil and she shall appear.” Joe teased her as she sat in her usual spot. She laughed and Gwil’s heart skyrocketed into flight. 

“Ha ha. Good to see you, Mozzarella.” She snarked. 

“That’s Mr. Mozzarella to you.” Joe answered. Both tossing their heads back gently and laughed. There went Gwil’s pulse racing for a moment. 

“Did I miss anything?” 

“Gwil’s on the list.” 

“No!”

“Oh hell yeah!”

“How? Tell me! I have to know how Karen’s little lust for you somehow got you on the list.”

“Karen’s little what?” Gwil said. 

“Dude, she wanted to bone you.” Joe said. “Hard.”

“Bone?” He asked.

“Sleep with you, knock boots, cherry pick, dude I know too analogies for sex.”

“She’s married!” Gwil exclaimed quietly to the group. 

“Hasn’t stopped her before.” Y/N said. “Anyway, tell me how you got on the list.” 

Gwilym began to tell the story of her confrontation with Karen. His own smile grew as he watched Y/N’s own smile grow as he got to the words match. 

“Mr. Lee you are bloody brilliant.” She said, her hand rubbed his arm for a moment before she withdrew it. Gwil blushed. 

“It was nothing.”

“This is cause for celebration. You being on the list. We will all go out kid free and celebrate soon.” Joe said. 

“Sounds good to me.” Rami agreed. Y/N nodded, her eyes looking up and waving to Jasmine as the girl waved back. 

“Hey Y/N, did you know Gwilym here was going to drive to Trenton all alone?” Joe stated. Gwil’s eyes went wide as he looked at the man over Y/N’s shoulder. He felt his cheeks heat up.

“Really?” She asked.

“Yeah. He was going to drive by himself.”

“Why don’t you ride with me? It isn’t as long as a drive if you have a partner.” She offered him. Her Y/E/C eyes meeting his blue. A small smile on her lips.

“Um, you won’t mind?” He asked shyly. 

“No, it will be a treat to spend time with you alone.” She said honestly, all the room felt almost like it was silent around them. Joe and Rami watching the two just share prolonged eye contact. Gwil could almost swear there was a light pink tinge on her cheeks as well. 

“Then it's all set. I’d love to ride with you.” He smiled. The tinge got a bit darker. 

Joe poked his head between the two, “Is your, um, neighbor coming?” He asked her. His voice was almost giddy, like Gwil’s when he talked about Y/N on the phone to Ben. Who was this woman  that was making Joe act like the same lovestruck teenager he was?

“Oh no. Unfortunately, Jolene had one of her advanced painting classes rescheduled to Saturday. It is too much money to miss out on but she promised Jasmine she was coming to Regionals.” Y/N said as she raked her hair up into a messy ponytail. 

“Oh.” Joe’s smile faded quickly. 

“You know you could just ask her out. She likes you too.” Y/N patted her friend’s shoulder. Joe shook his head. 

“The divorce is still too fresh to Joey. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to get involved with someone new so soon after his mother and I split up.” Joe admitted. Gwilym understood that point. A divorce was a similar loss to a child as a parent passing. Everything became different over night for them, changing so suddenly. Joe and his ex were friendly enough to a point for the sake of their son. The one thing that will keep them forever linked. 

“Okay honey. One day though, Joey is just going to want his dad to be happy.” She said with a soft smile to their friend. Joe just nodded looking over at his son. 

How Karen could ever call this wonderful woman a bitch was past Gwilym’s arena of thought. He looked at Y/N and smiled. God how beautiful she is even in the lighting of this gym. He thought to himself. As more time passed for the practice, the three experienced cheer parents told Gwilym everything he would need to know to be ready for Saturday. How he would have to have Brianne ready before 6 am to get her to the gym so that the team could take a bus together to the arena before driving there with Y/N. He would have to make sure he paced enough bobby pins, snacks, water, everything. His worry level that he would mess this all up grew. Especially the idea that he would have to do her hair in a high slick back ponytail. Brianne had hair like her mom’s thick and wavy, he could barely get it into braids without at least three Youtube tutorials. 

“How about this? I bring Jasmine over at like 5. I can do both of their hair and you can make sure they have enough snacks?” Y/N offered, once again being the incredible person that she was. 

“Please. I fear what I would do to my poor girl’s head.” He said honestly. 

“I think you would be fine, but the first competition is the scariest for both the parent and the cheerleader.” 

“It will put not only my mind at rest but Bri’s mind too. Thank you Y/N.” 

“Anything for you, Gwil.” She smiled. “Oh and um, thanks for standing up for the kids earlier with Karen. She can talk all the crap she wants about me but Jasmine doesn’t deserve that. It means a lot to me and it shows me how wonderful of a human being you are.” She said before turning her attention back to the mat. His heart raced again. God, Wednesday nights really were his favorite. 

#green and gold #gwilym lee x reader #gwilym x reader #gwilym lee imagines #gwilym lee #bohemian rhapsody #midsomer murders #Lucy Boynton #rami malek #joe mazzello #ben hardy

[donavanhall]

Acts of Translation

Late in February 2021, I was walking through the Long Island Pine Barrens, along the beginning of the Paumanok Trail.  The snow-covered path was marked by the patterned boot tracks of other hikers (only two or three at the most) and the cloven hoof-marks of deer.  The sky above the trees was pale blue, tinged with gray.  The air was cool, crisp, dry.  With each step, my boots compacted the icy slush and sometimes my boot would shift, sliding on the heavy, dense snowpack so that I’d have to compensate with a movement of my upper body and arms to keep my balance and to prevent myself from slipping.

The fourth branch of Jacques Roubaud’s “the great fire of London”, a volume called Poésie: (récit) — I prefer the French title since Poetry: (a story) is less poetic and loses a sense of meaning that I think should be there, poésie to my ear implies a movement that is lost in the more static English word, poetry, and récit (and perhaps this is peculiar to me and has nothing to do with actual French) suggests narration closer to that when a storyteller speaks to a listener who receives the récit and so completes the action, a story doesn’t necessarily require a reader — begins with the Narrator (Roubaud) moving through space, in this case, the space is urban, the streets Paris.

Early in December 1994, I was walking in Paris.  The sky was gray, low, the air humid, warm.

For walking in Paris, I wear a blue K-way jacket, and a cap, also blue.  The K-way was a gift, not something I’d picked out.  It was light, blue, waterproof, costly.

For walking in the woods, I wear an olive green jacket made by Patagonia that zips up the front and has a little pocket over the left breast where I can store my phone for easy access.  Around my neck, I wear my “Doctor Who scarf” knitted by my mother.  (The scarf isn’t a replica of any of the long scarves worn by the Fourth Doctor, played by actor Tom Baker, but a spirited recreation of the sort that anyone familiar with the various scarves featured in Season 12 through 17 of the TV show would immediately recognize.)  On my head I wear a black bowler hat I purchased at the museum shop of the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art in 2018 when I took my mother and son to the Magritte exhibit. (The next summer, I would take my wife and son to Brussels to tour the permanent Magritte exhibit at the Musée de Beaux Arts.  The study of Magritte’s art and writing is a principal concern of my Project.)  The clerk at the shop said this style of bowler hat is the exact same one worn by René Magritte when he was alive.  So it should be no surprise that I’m pleased with it and wear it every opportunity I get, and especially when I’m out on my daily walk.

Before the pandemic, I walked every afternoon through the pine barrens.  This was easy enough since the office where I perform my paid work (not at all literary) is located in the middle of the pine barrens.  There are a network of trails that lead through the woods that are immediately accessible from the back door of the building where I work.  A year ago, my office was closed, so that I now work from home.  Now my afternoon walks (usually) are taken along the streets in the neighborhood where I live in the village of Long Neck.  I’ve become a familiar sight in the neighborhood as the man in the bowler hat.  My neighbors wave to me and sometimes will view my unusual headwear as an occasion for conversation.  What kind of hat is that? asked one neighbor.  Another fellow walker assumed I’m a fan of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of A Clockwork Orange, a novel by Anthony Burgess.  I’m more a fan of the book than I am a fan of the movie, but my bowler hat is most deliberately a nod to Magritte and not to Alex and his three droogs.  Throughout the pandemic, Magritte and his art has been my life line.

On his walks in Paris, Roubaud doesn’t wear a bowler — his cap is of a different sort.

I bought the cap in New York, at J.J. Hat Center, at the corner of Broadway and 42nd Street.  It’s a hat made in Scotland and the salesperson assured me that it was the same exact style of cap worn by Sean Connery in the film The Untouchables. It’s no surprise that I’m happy with it.

After I’m vaccinated and I feel like taking the Long Island Rail Road to Penn Station again, maybe I’ll go to the J.J. Hat Center myself and shop for a hat.  Although according to “the internet” J.J. Hat Center is now located at 310 Fifth Ave (between 31st & 32nd), not far from Penn at all.  If/when I do go in to the city, I’ll want to pay a visit to the Fountain Pen Hospital.  A man can never have too many hats or too many fountain pens.

I could go along in this vein for quite some time, this leisurely stroll through Roubaud’s Poésie: (récit) allowing his text to guide my own thoughts, reveries, musings, etc.  The resulting text would function as a companion text.  I’m walking along with Roubaud in Paris as he moves from the National Library, past familiar restaurants, along familiar streets…

I passed between the tops or periscopes of the licorice icebergs of the Buren columns, making sure not to slip on their outgrowths/extensions [? the French word is excroissances, but it’s not obvious to me what these outgrowths or extensions might be], on the damp grills, slimy, soaped with crushed beige leaves.  And I made it through with no accidents to Place Colette, on the right side of the Théâtre-Français.  This route was well known to me.

...but Roubaud himself is not walking with me, only his text, or perhaps he is with me as an invented copy of an imaginary Roubaud that I carry within myself as I read and as I walk along the snow-covered Paumanok Trail thinking of his book, or books (one book in seven volumes called collectively “the great fire of London”).

I read the first two and a half branches (the first three volumes to be translated into English), starting with Branch One: Destruction in the fall of 2018.  Without really intending to, I wrote a little book of jottings while reading Roubaud’s novel.  I called my little book, In the Labyrinth of Forking Paths, since “the great fire of London” is “a story with interpolations and bifurcations” with actual links indicating different narrative paths the reader can take during their wandering reading.  I was reminded (though only a little) of the choose-your-own-adventure books (published by Bantam) I read when I was a kid.  One of my early attempts at writing fiction was a “literary” choose-your-own-adventure called (imaginatively enough) Into the Labyrinth (a slight variation on a title of one of Alain Robbe-Grillet’s novels, Dans le labyrinthe, with whose hyper-descriptive nouveau roman style I’d become bewitched, a style ideally suited to such text adventures).  (I published my Into the Labyrinth as an interactive fiction designed for a media platform that worked only on those early generation iPods.  I have no idea if anyone ever read/played my interactive fiction even though according to the app, mine was the most downloaded story.  It was certainly the longest.)  I won’t claim that I have been waiting for the remaining four volumes to be translated into English.  In fact, I felt a certain level of contentment with the artificial truncation of the novel — I had read all that I could, all that was available in English, so now I could move on to other things, like reading the works of Miklós Szentkuthy.  Procuring and reading the rest of “the great fire of London” wasn’t a tempting prospect until Anthony, author of the blog, Time’s Flow, mentioned that he’d purchased the remaining volumes in French and would be making an attempt to read them.  That was all it took.  If Anthony was going to do it, then so would I.  I ordered copies from a bookseller in France and they arrived last Friday in the post.  So when did I get the idea to translate these remaining four volumes into English myself?  Was it a serious idea or just another of my fanciful projects?  Project 7139: translated two thousand pages of Jacques Roubaud’s “the great fire of London” into English.  (For the record, I’m currently working on Project 3 which I started twenty years ago.  Project 4 is “write a masterpiece that will establish my literary reputation.”  That one might take awhile.)  Certainly, I would read these other branches.  Or would I?  My track record for finishing big projects is not stellar.  (The first time I read Proust, it took me ten years.)

While walking in the snow in the pine barrens, I thought about why I was being pulled back into Roubaud’s book.  What was it about his very long prose that attracted me?  Was this a momentary literary crush or had I fallen for “the great fire of London”?  If this were a romance, you could say that Roubaud and I met in the fall of 2018 and spent some time together, mostly walking.  We shared our mutual interests, talking about poetry, literature, and mathematics.  I learned a great deal about haikai (haiku and haibun), gained a new appreciation of the works of Charles Dickens, and was introduced to Nicholas Bourbaki, and then resumed my own mathematical studies after a hiatus of twenty years, this time beginning with set theory and topology.  And then it was over.  He had to go.  We parted ways.

Then two and half years later, Roubaud pops up again at a party hosted by a friend, this time we’re speaking French — my French is better now, so it’s much easier for us to talk and now I feel something different than I did before.  We’re making a real connection.  I can feel it.  And Roubaud seems somehow changed.  When we first met, I was the one who was paying attention to Roubaud, accompanying a new master, and learning new things.  Now, this new Roubaud, this French-speaking Roubaud is interested in me, keeps asking me questions, asking for my opinion. Then it dawns on me.  Roubaud has chosen me.  You’re the one, he says.  I’ve picked you.

Of course, this isn’t an exclusive relationship.  Such is the way with authors and their books.  Readers must share the objects of their affection, but still it feels different when a book chooses you rather than you choosing it.

I’m choosing you.  I’m ready whenever you are.  Shall we begin?

#jacques roubaud #walking #translation #french #literature