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littlefoxwithbighat · 3 years

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Dear tumblr.

I'm tired.

I'm asexual and arospec. (Also queer not that that should matter to this post) . That's a fact, for now at least.

Some of you who are not that (aspec) probably think you know what that's like. You don't.

When I first realised I was asexual I was about 14. I didn't come out. I just thought "OK, this explains why I feel differently to other people about crushes and sex and life. This explains why I don't get certain jokes and certain norms and certain things." I was alone. There were some forums on AVEN that helped and later some reddit communities. But the fact was there was nobody else who understood the world like me in the entire world, or that I'd met. If I said that I never a bit of a freak, I'd be lying.

And I'd also be lying if I said I didn't realise that my friends were going to grow up and realise the world differently to me, because if you're not acespec you have no idea how much of mundane things are impacted by not feeling sexual attraction. And let me tell you IT'S NOT just that you don't have sex, and the next person who says that is getting thrown into a wall. It fundementally shapes the way you interact with the world.

I was nearly 15 when I heard aromantic, and simultaneously when I wondered, "is that me?" And it COULDN'T be me! It could never be me! Becuse if I was aromantic to any degree then I was even worse. Asexual was fine by me because at least I could still live a normal life. Aromantic was WRONG. Aromantic was broken. Aromantic was ultimately hopeless, because if I couldn't love then what was wrong with me and what could I give to society?

I stayed in hardcore denial for a while and then eventually accepted it. And I still remember it, becuase I was home alone, and I said aloud "I don't want to be aromantic. Please don't let me be aromantic." And I very almost, for the first time in ages, cried.

I have to make up crushes to fit in. I have to make up feelings to fit in. I have to pretend to understand and grapple with what I don't. I have to live with knowing that I am different and odd and broken. An entire section of the "fundemental human experience," of FEELINGS is shut of from me. My friends are going to grow up and get married. I don't know if I can do that. My family will expect l me to. All adults in my life are, or will be. What do I say? Where will I be in the future. I will have to make up for it somehow because I can't give anything to society with a family or husband I will never have, I will never be fulfilled with it. Being academically successful is important, getting a job in the future is terrifyingly crucial. Because if I cannot succeed and I cannot love then what the hell is the point of me.

And I know nobody else like me in the entire world.

I am falling through it and there is nowhere to fall and nowhere to land. I am asexual and arospec and I am alone.

There are almost no aro communities online.

Often I look to the LGBTQ+ community. And every time it is a huge gamble. But I am looking at it like a dying man looks at water in the desert becuse in so many ways it looks so good. People here get it. People here are way more like me. And its BIG and its full and its right there. And everytime I step towards it I am bombarded by people telling me and people like me I am too privilidged, too self-obsessed, too wrong, not real enough, not there enough, not anything enough to fit in.

I am too broken and different for heteroallo society and too privileged and too lacking in attraction for the LGBTQ society and there is nobody for me.

Both sides tell me I'm faking my identity. I wonder if I am. I question myself constantly. How do I prove what isnt there? I can't.

Sometimes people say find your own society! Make your own place! Like I haven't tried. Everytime I look to aro and ace spaces online, it's like looking at a tiny fragmented battlefield where almost everyone is dead. Everyone, everyplace has been ravaged by trolls and exclusionsists and aphobes. I CANNOT GO TO ASPEC COMMUNITIES BECAUSE THEY BARELY EXIST.

There are barely any jokes, any memes, any love, any listening, any faces, any anything. There is no intertwined sense of communitity, no constants. We don't have terms to describe ourselves like the lesbian community, or the gay community. We have a few words for under-umbrella identifies like demi-sexual/romantic, and the words sex-favourable/neutral/repulsed, all of which have been dragged through hell with discourse.

And it's probably one of the worst on tumblr (and twitter) by the way. The only people here, are people questioning, in posts that get a few notes and that's it.

I cannot joke about my identity online without facing backlash. I can't talk about my struggles being aspec online without facing backlash. If any aspec brings up problems they are hated on or ignored. If any aspec tries to bring the community together, exclusionists find it and ruin it. If you are even open about being aspec online, you get comments with various levels of hidden hate and innapropriete videos and remarks, even if you're a minor.

Pride, I realise is the only solution we have to a society and to an inner conscious that makes you hate yourself.

All terms I used to describe myself are buried. People do not know what asexual or aromantic means in the larger world. Despite it being more than 1% of the population. The long history of my people is erased.

I am tired. I am alone. And I am scared for the baby aces and aros that are going to come here alone, looking for love and a place and find none.

Allo(ros) reblog this please. And actually read it don't just scroll past it.

#Asexual #Aromantic #Aspec #Arospec #Lgbtqia #lgbtq #littlefox og #Negativity cw #Cw negativity #Negativity

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saywhatjessie · 6 years

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Fucking Hollywood

Aro!Dean 1.8k (Ao3)

“It’s just so frustrating!” Sam threw up his hands, the breath of his explosive sigh blowing his bangs around.

Dean just nodded non-committedly. Sam had been going on about this for the last twenty minutes.

“I mean, representation is important. Everyone knows that. Studies and stuff, right? So if we all know this, why is it still so hard to find content without sex in it?!”

Dean grunted. Sam waved a hand at him as if it had been a grunt of agreement.

This would be better if Dean had somewhere to go, but it was his own fault for offering to drive his brother back to school after his visit. He could have easily given the kid money for a bus but, no, Dean — being the amazing older brother he was — had offered to drive Sam back to Stanford.

And now he was trapped in his own car, listening to Sam bitch about sex in the media. Again.

“I’m not even talking, like, explicit HBO sex. But just this idea that sex is always the endgame and the thing that’s the most important of all things. When a character has sex for the first time it’s a Big Deal and like, why? Narratively? For what reason? Why does it matter in movies if someone’s a virgin?”

“Well, you know Hollywood, Sammy,” Dean reasoned, doing his best to diffuse the situation. “It’s like Hooters. Just there to do one thing.”

Sam snorted. “What? Titillate men?”

“Okay, A) You’re men. And two I meant make money. Sex sells, Sammy. I hate to say it but it’s true.”

Sam groaned. “Okay, maybe , but media also helps define culture. If we continue in this cycle where sex is the most valued commodity than how are we supposed to move past it?”

Dean sighed, unsure how to respond to that.

Sam had gone to college and come back gay. Or, rather, ‘queer’. Dean wasn’t totally sure what that meant except that, according to Sam, ‘gay’ and ‘queer’ didn’t necessarily mean he wanted to fuck dudes. Actually, in Sam’s case, he was gay in a way that meant he just didn’t want to fuck at all. Or he only wanted to fuck people he also wanted to marry. Something to do with Demi Moore? Dean still wasn’t clear on the details.

Whatever Sam’s sexual status, he had also come back from college with a vendetta against society’s obsession with sex. Which, objectively, Dean could get behind. But as a card-carrying, porn watching, one-night-stand having red blooded American, Dean couldn’t invest any personal devotion into it.

“It’s not even just Hollywood! Fan created content has historically been a refuge for marginalized people to create a space in the universes they love for people who are like them. Like Kirk and Spock in Star Trek.”

“Are you writing a thesis? What the fuck?”

“But even in fan-created spaces it’s like all they care about is whether or not the characters are boning,” Sam said, disgusted. “Like, that’s not what their relationship is about. Kirk and Spock aren’t compelling because they wanna bone. They’re compelling because they’re, like, accidentally the greatest love story ever told.”

Dean sighed again, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel.

“Okay…” he started, aware that the only way out of this conversation was through. “So I admit, I don’t know a whole lot about,” he gestured vaguely at Sam. “That. But me, personally, I have a hard time telling the difference between romantic and platonic love.”

“So like aromanticism.”

“No, what?” Dean glanced at Sam who was looking at him weirdly. “I don’t know. But one of the only ways I know how to confirm the difference is with sex.”

Sam was shaking his head before Dean had even finished. “But that’s not how that works. You don’t need sex to prove it’s love. That’s what I’ve been talking about!” Sam slumped dramatically in his seat, throwing his head back, before sitting straight again. “The difference between romantic and platonic love is there without sex. They feel different. They just do. As an asexual person, I know this better than anyone.”

Sam was pretty sure ‘asexual’ wasn’t the word Sam had used before but he didn’t really understand it all anyway and didn’t want to ask.

“Okay…”

“You can’t tell the difference between romantic and platonic love?” Sam asked, his focus now entirely on Dean.

Shit . Dean squirmed. “No, not really.”

“So you’re aromantic?”

“I don’t know, man.”

“No, no, stop looking like that.” Dean made an attempt to stop grimacing. “No pressure or anything, it’s just that that is, definitionally, what aromanticism is. Not being able to distinguish a difference between romantic and platonic love. Because you don’t really feel the first one.”

Dean was definitely grimacing again.

He looked down at his arm when he felt Sam lay a hand on his bicep. “Thank you for trusting me with this moment.”

Dean shook him off, scoffing. “Shut up, man. Whatever. You know how I feel about labels.”

Sam took his hand back, biting back a smile. “Yeah, I know. But it’s good to have a word for it. Helps other people understand where you’re coming from. Helps you understand yourself.”

“I think I have a pretty good understanding of myself.”

Sam just snorted, not bothering to further respond to that, but then, blissfully, changed the subject.

Dean hated himself for bringing it up but it didn’t stop him from asking. “Hey, Cas, you ever hear of aromanticism?”

It was Thursday which meant it was Roadhouse night. There wasn’t any real reason they’d chosen Thursday for their weekly bar meetup, it had just been the only night they had free early on. Further down the road, they had begun cancelling plans to make it to the bar on Thursday, and now Thursday was firmly bar night. The bar of choice: The Roadhouse.

Cas blinked over at him over his large pint of whatever shitty IPA he’d chosen that day. “From my understanding of Greek prefixes I can presume it means to be without romance.”

Dean snorted, taking a sip of his own (proper, dark) beer before nodding. It figured Cas could guess what it meant without being told. He was smart as fuck.

“Eh, kinda,” he continued, tracing patterns in the water droplets on his glass. “I think it means to be without romantic love. Romantic attraction?” He shrugged, eyes in his beer. “Sam explained it better.”

Cas nodded back, smiling softly. “It was lovely to see him. He’s grown up so much.”

Dean grinned, ducking his head.

It was a little embarrassing how soft he let himself get around Cas. They’d been friends for four years, meeting in Cas’s Sophomore year of college when he needed to interview Dean for his college paper. Dean had been working as a mechanic at the time. He was still working as a mechanic, actually, but Cas, as an actual reporter person, interviewed people far more interesting than Dean.

Cas had been there for John’s death. For Sam’s high school graduation. Sam going off to school. Cas had seen Dean in way more emotionally compromised positions. Dean let himself be soft around Cas.

It didn’t mean he’d let it last longer than he had to, though.

“Yeah. That kid picked up all kinds of wild shit in college. You know he’s gay now, right?”

Cas rolled his eyes, a touch of annoyance furrowing his eyebrow. “You really shouldn’t casually out your brother, Dean.” Dean rolled his eyes back. “But yes, I saw it on Facebook. He posted about it.”

“Well then I didn’t out him!” Dean waved his hand as if to say ‘there you go’. “And, besides, I couldn’t get the words right if I wanted to. I still don’t remember what he actually said he was.”

“Demisexual, heteroromantic,” Cas responded automatically. He blinked and then corrected himself. “Or… aromantic? Is that why you brought it up?”

Dean shook his head, looking into his beer again. “Nah, Sam’s not that. That’s what he says I am.”

A horrible pause of horrible silence Dean stared into his beer.

“Are you?” Cas asked, gently.

Dean looked up. Cas appeared nothing but softly interested.

Dean shrugged, all shoulders, no eye-contact. “Nah. Maybe. I don’t know about labels, man.”

Cas nodded, consideringly. Dean watched him take a sip of his beer. He spent a lot of time staring at Cas’s neck this way.

Cas tipped his head as he put his glass back on the bar. “You don’t have to talk about it. But it may be worth looking up so you can potentially learn more about yourself.”

Again with the learning about yourself thing.

Dean shook his head. “I don’t think I need to do that. I think I’m fine.”

Cas seemed to deflate a little, the sag of his shoulders making Dean cautiously curious.

“Of course,” he said, taking another long pull from his glass. “Forgive me, I suppose I hoped — ”

He cut himself off, looking sternly into the dregs of his own beer.

Dean watched him. His blue eyes were washed out in the yellow light from the bar but the dark shadows defining his profile made him just as striking. The clench of his jaw. The furrow of his eyebrows. The tension in his shoulders.

Dean downed his beer.

He put the glass gently on the bar, pushing both his and Cas’s away from them before turning and putting his hand on Cas’s shoulder.

“You wanna go on a date with me, Cas?”

Cas looked up at him, sharply, eyes wide. “Dean?”

Dean suddenly wished he had beer to nervously swig. Well, no going back now .

“If I don’t feel romantic attraction or whatever – if I’m not just waiting for the right girl and I’m never gonna – then I wanna be with my best friend. And that’s you.”

Cas’s eyes were still wide and it looked like he was biting his lip.

“My best friend who I’m still very much attracted to!” Dean rushed to correct, realizing that Cas might be afraid that this was just him settling. “Jesus fuck , am I attracted to you. I never did anything about it because I was probably straight, ya know? But obviously I’m not so...” He shrugged.

Cas was still just staring at him.

Dean’s hand twitched. “You gonna just leave me hangin, man? I don’t really know wh–”

Cas surged forward, hands coming up to cup Dean’s jaw as he kissed him quiet.

Dean had never allowed himself space to imagine this kiss. But he’s sure he never would have been able to capture it anyway. So easy. So nice.

It was the kind of kiss where if Dean would ever have had butterflies, he’s sure they would have been hammering away in his stomach at that moment.

Guess it’s official, then. I’m aromantic .

Dean could feel Cas smile as he kissed him.

I’m fine with that .

#aro!Dean #aromantic Dean Winchester #DeanCas #Destiel #oops I wrote a thing #SJW Sam #lol #Sam is me in this fic this is an actual conversation I had with my brother #Jessie writes Destiel fic

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lgbtclosetprobs · 6 years

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My coming out

I didnt think this would fit in an ask box,,i just found youe blog, and kinda wanted to tell my story. When I was about 14, I started to question my sexuality. I spent a lot of time researching everything. I tried labels on myself and after a while, I found that bi fit me. I was mostly attracted 1ro boys, but I found some girls cute, and at the time, I thought ‘i might not have had a crush on a girl before, but i might have a crush on a girl later’ so i decided I was bi, my mom is the one home all the time, my dads job keeps him away. I started to tell my mom things about the LGBT community, and what somethings mean, I found out she was ok with it, and I remembered multiple times that she says she Would love me no matter what, because I’m her child. One day, sitting next to her, I worked up a pbit of courage and(faking) casually said 'hey mom, I’m bi.“ She just nods and went 'alright’ and I felt so powerful. But that wasnt the end. After a while of thinking I was bi, the label that seemed to fit so well..didn’t…seem to fit. I was finding out more about how people see genders, how they feel. I knew about transgender, but nonbinary. Genderfluid, those were new. I got confused. Why should gender matter? If i fall in love, who they are or who they say they are shouldn’t matter right? It took a while, but i found the word pansexual. This was another thing I talked to mom abour first, by saying how some people are different tenders. I soon came our as pan to her. I was about 15 by then. I also came out to my dad after a while, and he is accepting, but flat out told me one day he 'cant wait until i find out I’m straight’ so i dont tell him things like this anymore. After pansexual, that wasnt the end. I am a virgin, but when I think about sex…it was…weird..I found no need for it but to make,kids. I didn’t have an urge for it, porn was more annoying than anything to watch, and (this is kinda embarrassing to say) masturbating is it..felt weird and wrong.I did some research and found asexual. It took me a while to accept this tho..i also found grey and demi sexual. I was grey for a while, thinking that I 'had’ to me 'normal’ I couldn’t just…not feel the sex urge right? But I turned 16 and thought demi would be better.but i never felt it for anyone.i took some time to honestly think about my feelings on having sex. I find dirty jokes funny, I make them and understand then, mostly because of how and who i was raised around, plus, a school bus has more knowledge than a school building. I liked reading smut of two characters in fan fiction, but only if it was consent, or if it was the only fic. I mostly read angst and fluff, but i was fine with smut. It was more or less just reading. I dont really feel anything for the smut (with fluff,I feel gigglily, and angst make sme sad and worried.,the emotions I read in fluff and angst I feel more when I read, but smut? Nothing) I thought about the act of sex, and what its like….doing with a male body part make me feel..bad…disgusting…used? Even so I have never some ir..that was the thought alone…while the thought of with a girl body part I felt…odd…like it was pointless? Either way, I didnt feel like I wanted it, and I never looked at someone and thought 'bed time naked ’ and I added asexual to my label. Making me asexual panromantic. It was…a little wierd at first, saying it the first few times, but now, 17 years old and a high school senior, I can say it and I feel comfy. Lkke…'get home from school, put on footie pajama and house shoes ’ kind of comfy. I’m out to about half the school, mostly just me being ace( I live in the bible belt of the USA….not the safest place) about one third of the people im out too know I’m panromantic as well. Ive gotten a few comments I didnt like, including:

-you’ll find the right man

-so you dont want to get married?

-what about kids? (News flash, don’t want any anyways, and if i so? Gasps adoption)

Bur mostly people have me explain, then nod and accept it, it took me a while to become comfortable to myself, and even now im still iffy on myself. I know im asexual, and I came to the conclusion that, if i have an allosexual or demi or grey sexual partner, I wouldnt be comfy doing that with my body for them if they want it, it would be too far out of my comfort zone, but I have begun to think I might be aromantic. Or demipanromanric wo1uls be closer. I don’t fall in love easy, I get crushes quickly, but they fade in a week, and I really have to know someone to fell in love.

So I am a cisgender girl (did i say that right?) And I am asexual panromantic. This is me and how i came to 2he, and I’m happy. I tested the waters beforr taking a dive, I found some unfriendly fish but I’m doing ok…and if my personal story could help anyone struggling to come to terms, or come out? Id like that.

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