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#i am bad at needle felting but also i am very proud of my work
Hello. First dose! Yay!
As per title, I am micro-dosing testosterone.
.5ml, intramuscular, one dose per two weeks. ~23 years old at first dose.
(Also partially in the closet, so I will also keep tabs on how long I can get away with this before people start realizing something’s up.)
The shot:
Originally, I imagined I’d use the patch or gel. Then, the doctor told me those options were $600.
Needle it is.
First dose was much harder than I thought it’d be. I kept aggressively tapping the syringe because I was scared of air bubbles. Although the doctors prepared me and gave me a pamphlet, I found a video tutorial helpful. I sat there for at least 20 minutes holding the ready syringe trying to encourage myself to do it. The needle was much longer than I expected. It was very intimidating. I really considered backing out. In that moment, I wished I had an ally to do this for me. I felt like I couldn’t do it. It was so scary. In the end, I told myself that this medicine was too hard to get, and I couldn’t let it go to waste. Good thing my family isn’t observant, because someone could probably hear me panicking through the door if they listened.
Working up the courage was the hardest part. The shot itself turned out to be not so bad. In my opinion, it did not feel as bad as getting a vaccine. It was so simple it made all the apprehension feel silly. I took off my gloves and realized how nervous I really was when I saw the insides covered in sweat. I’m not even someone who gets sweaty hands. I should really be proud of myself for powering through that. I think the next shot will be easier.
Effects:
The next day I noticed a breakout of hormonal acne around my jaw, and….earlobes??? I expected testosterone to give me acne, but not so quick. I am very acne-prone. My skin care routine is immaculate. I found whiteheads around my jaw and saw more as the day progressed. You could argue that this breakout was caused by other factors, like stress, but I feel it was at least aided by testosterone as whiteheads are not a type of acne I usually get (Also, I didn’t get acne on my earlobes what the fu-.)
I battled- that’s an understatement- was at war with acne during my teens. I saw various skin professionals and used various medications. I expect this “transition journey” to be accompanied with revisiting this old nemesis.
Edit: 20 hours after posting this. Noticed new acne on my upper lip.
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mengyao · 1 year
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4 and 16!! :)
4: Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)
from the letter to nmj in the last chapter of foowd:
I hope you would wish me well. I want to believe that you do, even if what I’ve become is unintelligible to you. All I can hope is that I will succeed in making myself unintelligible for reasons besides doing things that appall you. I still have some good qualities. Some of which you used to bully me about lacking! I’m certainly wiser than I was. More patient, too. I have developed somewhat of a sense of responsibility, and am much more independent and capable. But all of that has been true for years. The newer things… let’s just say that there are fields inside of myself I thought I salted, where things have taken root nonetheless.
this letter was some of the earliest stuff i wrote in the fic, because it was grafted from a scene cut from an earlier (canon era) fic, but it wasn't in letter format then, and it of course shifted a lot to fit this specific story. this paragraph was written much later.
even though this isn't how story structure works, i kind of consider that fic as having three "climaxes"... one being the flop proposal/sangcheng breakup, one being the eleventh-hour sangcheng makeup, but in between them is the part where nhs writes the letters... this one feels like the real climax of the fic in some ways. not in terms of tension but like. emotional weightiness rating????? nhs just could not have gone on to say "fuck it, i want to be with the person i love even if it means i can't fake my death and go into the self-imposed exile for the rest of my days that is the only way i've been able to conceptualize/justify quitting my job and taking the L permanently on the person i was supposed to be," if she hadn't come to some degree of peace with the fact that she'll never know what nmj would have made of these choices. if it feels like a betrayal of family/sect/etc, that all gets symbolically fixed into grief and guilt about specifically nmj, and that's the real barrier here--not anyone else in the world at large, really. but it felt like a very delicate needle to thread because i emphatically didn't want nhs' arc re: her family/nmj to come across like "realizing that your family sucks and having a victorious fuck-you-guys-i'm-out moment," because that would be severely out of character and also the nies' problem is not Bad People but intergenerational dysfunction and reverberating tragedy. so "i love you and always wanted to make you proud and am having to accept the risk that i wouldn't, because i have to believe that you loved me and wanted me to be happy more than you wanted me to be the person i should have been"--not specific to gender but everything else, of course--was the point i needed nhs to reach. which ig i decided was going to happen when she woke up at 5am to write some emotionally raw lettermail a few hours after breaking up with the guy she's actively in love with and then having a total meltdown about it.
the story having an epistolary motif was partly because i'd early on thought that the idea of sangcheng doing ye olde racy texting was funny and charming, but also i knew that the fic was not going to work unless there were opportunities for huaisang's real thoughts and feelings to occasionally surface through the tides of bullshit, and that was easier to do through in-universe writing than either dialogue or pov narration. and i couldn't come up with a less clunky way to get some overt closure/finality over the nmj stuff, but needed to, because it was like such a looming but intangible part of the story.
so anyway. um i made myself cry typing up this blurb about my own fanfiction which goes to show why i'm so proud of this bit in particular... because regardless of whether it worked for anyone else, it has consistently gotten me very emotional to think about/work on so i'm getting what EYE wanted out of it!!!!
16: Tried anything new with your writing lately? (style, POV, genre, fandom?)
lots of things, actually…
it's not that "writing an unreliable narrator/POV character" is new to me but something i'm messing around with on beefleaf #2 aka The Big One is shi qingxuan (who is the POV character) like… being a very active presence in the story As A Story. you know this post?
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like that.
who's the audience? shi wudu? he xuan? both/neither? us? who knows!!!!! we'll see if that sensibility makes it into the final product but i'm enjoying playing around with it for now. it compels me because sqx, unlike most characters people think of as "unreliable narrators," is not manipulative in a meaningful way. they're not TRYING to lie to you. it's just... you know. hard to look things in the face sometimes, right?
the other thing that sticks out is that i've got not one but two wips at the moment that deal with sexual violence in some way, which i've shied away from in the past because of worrying that people would be weird about it, but i feel strongly that these are at least, like, the kernels of good ideas? we'll see how they fare in my execution lol. but also, like, xie lian's character arc is, among other things, About Sexual Autonomy And Violence in a blatant and textual manner so this doesn't feel particularly outre in comparison (they're both beefleaf but you know. operating in the same ballpark. shi qingxuan and he xuan both have certain obvious parallelismssnhdsm with xie lian so it's all In Conversation imo.)
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sansxfuckyou · 1 year
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Seamstresses need models, don't they?
Summary: Your roommate likes to, so you end up modeling for her, at first she finds it hard to model for you given your somewhat rectangular build, but eventually she gets it, its nice.
Warnings: Sewing needles, pins, Terezi isn't entirely blind, bad habits, check tags for further warnings.
Authors Note: Fic five folks, fic five, I am making steady progress, also, this one was fun to write, and is it a little bit of a projection, yes, but that don't matter, once again, I take reblogs as a form of currency over likes.
Three months.
That's how long it's been since the Trolls assimilated into humanity.
They all live on the top floor of an apartment building, Beta and Alpha alike, two Trolls per apartment.
Gamzee and Karkat.
Nepeta and Equius.
Aradia and Feferi.
All quite predictable groupings made to prevent as many fights as possible, the only one that didn't make sense was Terezi and Kanaya who agreed to share only because they were the last ones.
It started extremely rough between the two of you. Where Kanaya couldn't handle the sound of crunching chalk, you couldn't stand the amount of fabric she owned. Eventually in a fight you had, you destroyed her only mannequin left. You both panicked, that was the only flow of money, the clothing she made and sold, you were fucked.
Three days later, she came to you with a few pins in between her teeth and a roll of fabric in her hands. At first you were confused, why would she have those items, then she told you to strip, you nearly jumped out of your skin. It took her a second, but then her face burned Jade and she apologized before explaining she needed you to model for her. To that you said you would just put on tighter clothing so it wouldn't screw up your form as much, an awkward nod was what you got in response.
When you returned she held shears in her hand made for heavy duty jean fabric, you flinched, very, very sharp items. She held them up and beckoned for you to step closer, you suddenly felt, very, very aware of how not made for modeling you were. You were literally shaped like a brick, you ain't an hourglass or any other weird shape, you were a rectangle!
Panic started to pump through your veins as you stepped closer and closer until you were in the middle of the room, you spread your arms out. Then Kanaya started to measure, the tape measure tingling as it pressed against your skin, she handed you a skirt to try on. You left the room and tried it on, it was suffocating, curse beauty standards, you awkwardly walked back out, and Kanaya groaned. She told you to put back on your pants and hold still when you returned, you did exactly that.
Three weeks, and many failed outfits, later, Kanayas finally figured out how the fuck to sew for your build. It took a lot of trial and error, a lot more error than either of you will admit, but its happened. She ended up turning most failed outfits into arm warmers or overcoats and sold them for cheap so you two could still eat.
Now she's finally finishing stitching your first official outfit she's proud of so far.
"Go try it on, and be honest if it fits comfortably," Kanaya said, she had a sewing needle stuck into her hand, she had done it so often it didn't even hurt anymore, she handed you the outfit.
"I don't know, skirts aren't really my thing," You say as you hold up the item, Kanaya gives you a soft glare.
"We have spent two weeks making outfit after outfit to try and find something that works for you and people built like you, I am not quitting now, so please for the love of whatevers above go try on the outfit, Terezi," Kanaya pleaded, you gave a short sigh before leaving and putting on the outfit.
It was comfortable.
The skirt itself was a deep Teal, a slit running up to just above your knee on one side. The waistband had belt loops, you immediately grabbed the only belt you owned and tied it tight enough that it wouldn't hurt but would hold. The shirt she made was also nice, the shoulder covers weren't there so it didn't pinch, but their was still thick fabric strips that rested two inches below your shoulder. It was all black, it had your symbol in your color on the front, the hemming on the bottom was frayed a little bit, and it reached just past the high waist of your skirt.
Yeah, this felt really, really good.
You tucked in the shirt nice and smooth before walking back out, finding a waiting Kanaya who looked stressed. The needle in her hand was being pumped up and down as a nervous habit, she was probably biting her tongue as well. You cleared your throat and she snapped up to look at your, she gave a sigh of relief seeing the outfit didn't appear to tight one bit.
She walked over, dressed in her regular red skirt and shirt, she placed her hands on your exposed shoulders. She stared at you, the red of your shades reflecting her piercing eyes, man, she's so pretty. Your face heats up a little bit as you push away the thought, before you can even speak she starts.
"Does, does it fit comfortably?" Kanaya asked, her voice was a little bit shaky and she let go of your shoulders.
"It fits perfectly, I love it," you said, twirling a little bit, you were grinning, it felt so perfect.
"Thank fuck, now I can start doing these properly, soon enough I'll be able to by another mannequin for this," Kanaya said, giving a short sigh of relief as she takes a seat on the ground, she's not worried about all the bits and pieces of scrap fabric scattered everywhere you look.
"Yeah, that'll be nice when you get another mannequin," you said, holding back disappointment as much as you could, you didn't mind being her mannequin, it was fun.
"But, I don't feedback from a mannequin if it chafes awkwardly in one spot, or if the fabric isn't lined up properly," Kanaya said, throwing a glance at you, your face heated up a bit, ok, so, maybe over the past three weeks of having Kanaya pressing fabric to your skin and delicately threading pins through fabric to hold it in place on your form has had side effects on you feel about her.
"They sure can't, and it would be a shame if you got complaints because your outfits chafed," you said, not even bothering to hide the fact you quite enjoyed being Kanayas sewing model.
"Sounds like someones a bit jealous of an inanimate object," she said, grinning at you, you looked away, definitely not you whose jealous of a mannequin, "it was fun working with you, we can keep working together if desired."
"Absolutely! I mean, I would be honored if a seamstress of your caliber would work with me," you said, trying to regain composure, she giggled a little bit.
"Ok, Terezi, then get ready, we have a lot of work to do tomorrow onward," Kanaya said as she stood up, brushing down her red skirt as she did so.
Fuck, you've managed an amazing chance of fate.
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00pbz · 2 months
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AH.
basically no longer using other social media lol AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE. SO HERE'S A LIFE UPDATE FOR MY OWN SAFEKEEPING.
makin moves workin as best as i can yadda yadda. family shit is fucked rn but there's only so much i can do sooooo. it's not that bad though things are just rough and i wish i could help more. but anw
this is the year of ambition! pushing myself and trying to live out a life i can be proud of!!! finally on medication that seems to work, regularly seeing a psychiatrist + therapist, trying to make and maintain friendships since ive been. so fucking bad about keeping other friends. even ones i used to be really close to and i wanted to stay in touch w. but i digress
umm what else. technically not working but i Am moving further down the career path i want so. we shall see how things go. very grateful very privileged to have the chance to pursue it.. don't want to let it go to waste. have to be careful the way i frame it in my own head tho bc im constantly on the verge of self sabotaging lol
alsoo ive been getting into tv shows lately. and just rewatching things. trying to indulge in things that i find genuinely comforting :-) esp bc i still get so overwhelmed so easily and its nice to have something like. chill. that i know i can zone out to and fall back on. also recently tried needle felting which is fun as FUCK so. thats cool
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jen-co · 2 years
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Are you happy you had a child? How does yours and your husband's family feel about it?
Yeah I am. I'm not a happy PERSON because of my mental and physical health. I'm very anxious and I experience continuous dizziness, severe fatigue that sleep doesn't affect, pain etc. It makes life really difficult to be lacking energy and feel sick all the time no matter what you do. Like having an epic hangover every day, or trying to get over the flu. It sucks, I hate it, it's bullshit, it makes me cry. I hate having autism/ADHD and OCD. I just want to be calm and feel normal. So, things are hard but they'd be hard if I didn't have a baby. Butttt having a baby makes the days harder and I desperately always want to lie down and can't do that when I want/need to.
The pregnancy was traumatic (false positive NIPT, amniocentesis, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia) and the birth was horrible. Induction at 38 weeks, sprung on me at a routine checkup, lasted 3 days, and my body responded super strong to the synthetic oxytocin so my pain was unbearable during labour. I never wanted an epidural because I'm terrified of nerve damage, needles, cathetres, baby getting stuck, increased risks etc - but I honestly felt like I'd rather die than keep going through that unmedicated. The anaesthetists told me I have scoliosis as they were trying to get it in (which took 45 mins) and said that can increase risk of nerve damage. I said just do it. Ughhh. One poked around for ages and then called a senior one in. I was so scared. Then I had tearing which took forever to heal which is still causing problems, among other things.
Then I struggled with severe mental health breakdown and wasn't feeling connected to my baby. Going through all of that for an unplanned pregnancy was just too much. I was so sleep deprived as well, I slept 45 mins in 5 days at one point and I got so scared because I lost the ability to control my eyes for a few minutes here and there, like I couldn't blink or look somewhere. Along with non stop migraine and massive auras, I thought I was having a stroke. Then I made the mistake of looking at my vagina and stitches and I was an absolute mess. It was just... traumatic and so many changes to adjust to overnight. I knew I wouldn't cope well with it but I just couldn't anticipate how dark that could feel after you've had a baby. I went pretty loopy and believed I wasn't female anymore, that my vagina was gone, that I had severe prolapses (they say it's just normal tissue), that the baby might not be mine and was swapped at birth, that I was going to die from the preeclampsia, that I WANT to die from the preeclampsia, that my whole life is over and body is destroyed. It was like the reaction someone would have if they woke up from an accident and were told they're going to be paralysed for life. I was just so... off the deep end. I still have obsessions but I'm living my life despite them, whereas in those early weeks, I was just like, no, I should have died during the birth, I can't be here. I was at high risk of PPA/PDD and higher than average risk of post partum psychosis but the preeclampsia was also messing with my brain, I think. The migraines were debilitating and my body wasn't functioning properly, my liver was messed up. I think the preeclampsia was starting to seriously affect my brain function. Plus the sudden hormone drop, breastfeeding, being on blood pressure meds that were making me sick and making me pass out, anticoagulant injections every day (omgosh they were so painful, I had to get Dan to do them for me in the end)... it was not a good combination haha.
We're doing better now but I'm still very anxious. My connection with him is very strong and I love him very much. On good days, when he eats and sleeps well, I just feel so proud of him and so in awe of him existing. On bad days, I'm like... aaargh how long until you start going to school for the day?? Haha.
Dan helps me when he's home from work, so long as he's not doing split shifts, then he tends to nap in between. He does a night feed when he'll be home in the morning, plays with him, takes him on walks etc. He's a great dad and so helpful and loving. He does the morning shift with the baby on his days off so I can sleep in.
Our baby Noah is just so adorable and I have this weird feeling that I didn't have before... kinda like.. mehhh if my body's all messed up and I die tomorrow, at least I had love and at least we made Noah. Haha. I tend to obsess over my body functions and health, the meaning of life, my emotions, spirituality, so having Noah kinda makes me able to accept that my peak time and good health is over and I'm passing the torch on to another human being. Does that sound weird or morbid? I've just spent years trying to regain what was taken from me and haven't been able to accept being mentally or physically ill and fought it non stop. I still do but Noah makes it so that it's just not the only stuff that matters anymore.
I think he's really smart, he's 5.5 months and says hi and hello, he's really cheeky and expressing lots of emotions, he's now learning who mum and dad are and he cries when strangers try to closely interact with him and reaches for me, he knows when something seems weird or not right, he's very responsive, he can be bossy already haha. He turns the pages of a book to look at the pictures, he can put a spoon in his own mouth, he's got a sense of humour and thinks it's hilarious to watch me on the toilet for some reason.
We love him so much but my God, I wpuld never ever ever ever EVER do any of it again. Nope nope nope nope, quick, arrange a vasectomy because shop is CLOSED.
Our families are really happy since I'm an only child and Dan's the only obe out of his brothers that is in a relationship and has a child, so the only grandchild of both of our parents. My grandma is also really happy about it. We lost my grandad while I was pregnant so it's good to have her come over and spend time with him. My mum is thrilled with being a grandma, so is Dan's.
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daimboy · 3 years
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made a cute little guy
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wakanawill · 2 years
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Bro i need to ask- where did you learn to felt? When did that show up as a hobby? It seems like such a hard thing to just pick up some day and it's had me wondering if there was a reason or if it was a spur of the mill decision that has clearly payed off greatly.
-sinsly
oh boi those will be hard to answer cuz my memory is bad
Where did I learn to felt - Internet! I dont remember where exaclty I found felting but I saw it and some needle felted stuff and I was like "OH THAT'S THE SAME THING I SAW NAPSTABLOOK MADE IN THAT ONE MINIATURE HOUSE VIDEO" and I got super interested and I watched a bunch of stuff and I ordered the wool and needles for felting and I started doing it. It was about 3 years ago now
When did that show up as a hobby - tbh I am not sure what this question means. may he cuz I'm not sure what exacly a hobby is. But after getting the wool I was felting on and off when I felt like it. I had phases when I felted a lot and when I didnt felt at all. (I used to have only so much wool that I could put it in my fav bag. Now at it I have all the other stuff for felting and dolls except the wool. I have so much wool). I remeber that in the first year of needle felting I was moslty doing small not dolk stuff. I started felting somewhere in fall and I tried to make a first doll in summer I think. I found some cool photos and was like "I can do that!" also I could not find how people make them for the love of primes. But I made them anyway cuz how hard it can be really. So I did. I mean the doll wasnt perfect but ite moslty how I still do them with some changes but the base is all there. in the second year I did a lot more dolls. I have a bag of them. maybe 10 tops? somehow dolls in that period I managed to do in 4-5 hours which is like HOW? I mean they are simpler and dont have as much stuff on them and the hair wasnt curled up and the clothes weren't seperate things but HOW THE FLIP. some time later after my main phase for making dolls calmed down I made lego monkie kind Monkey king doll (I'm still proud of this one tbh) and Timothy Lawrence doll from BL3. And at the end this summer I think I was just watching some dsmp stuff and for whatever reason I thought that I could make dolls of dsmp. cuz like... I can make dolls of my fav characters so why not! it's not like there is any merch on any way similar to dolls that I could buy. I mean there are plushies I guess but that still pretty far. also just making them is cheaper for me. And then I thought that maybe other people would like to have dolls like this too. and that maybe I could earn myself some money on it. Cuz like any work I could do without education (I'm at uni rn) is something I could not do mentally and my mom is all the time that I should try to earn some money myself. so I was like let's try to make those dolls! But as you see I still didnt sell any cuz I'm kinda very scared of doing stuff I dont know and like selling somebody's else merch is kinda not exaclty legal (but I dont think ranboo and other streamer will try to sue me for selling dolls of them on etsy?) and also selling anything without proper tax stuff is kinda not exaclty legal also? Idk law is so weird I dont get it. Every time I try to figure out how it theoretically should be done in legal way i just panic xd. also I'm afraid of post offices cuz last time I tried to send something to somebody as far as I know they didnt receive it (they did have incentive to not tell me that it arrived I guess so like idk) but soon I'll be sending something to somebody and hopefully my mom will help me with operating the post office! and hopefully it'll give me enaght of a kick if it works out that I'll actually try to make that flipping etsy shop.
Cuz I really like making those dolls dont get me wrong. and seing people like them it really nice too (finally some good fucking serotonin). But I'm trying to make those dolls in many difrent cool and better ways (like tommy was first doll to get curly hair and ranboo has sewed clothes instead of felted ones and George ot first doll to not have clothes complelty felted onto his body) but BOIIII IT COSTS MONEY. It costs a lot of money. I recently bought alpaka fleece and I cleaned it and I'm gonna use it for doll hair so they actually can have some longer hair but BOI it was expensive and cleaning it took ages. So yea mom will figuratively eat me if I at least dont try to sell those XDDD (also having so many family members being like "Did you sold any?" or "when will you sell them?" or "you should sell them" is annoying and then after being told how much I would charge for them they are like "em nobody's gonna buy those" like Oh please stop)
That... that's is a really long replay that doesnt even exaclty replay to what you asked but tells my needle felting origin story i guess. I'm sorry xdd tell me if I forgot to answer to something
tl:dr
I was needle felting on the internet once got interested and decided to try out. felted on and off and one day I realized that i can do dolls of my fav characters and then i realized that probably some people would be willing to buy them if i sold them so is started making dsmp dolls that you can see on my tumblr but I'm soo anxious to try to make an etsy shop (I will make one someday. I WILL) So here I am.
I still didnt post eret doll shit
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spencersawkward · 3 years
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switchblade faith//spencer reid - chapter 9
summary: one month after joining the BAU, Clea is still settling in. between solving murders and getting acclimated to DC, the only comfortable thing in her life is her new friendship with Dr. Spencer Reid. (Baby Spence)
pairing: Fem!OC x Spencer
word count: 4.1k
content warnings: tattooing/tattoo aftercare, mostly fluffy!
A/N: hi! it's been a while since i updated this series, but i love it too much to leave it behind and i'm also always going to be obsessed with sub!spence. anyway, all my tattoos are stick and pokes atm so if some of the tattoo stuff if a little off, i'm sorry!
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it's really a matter of principle that keeps me bound to the promise. if I were a weaker woman, I would back down from the chair, would have shaken my head and told JJ that no, actually, I will not be getting something permanently inked on my body purely for the fulfillment of a bet.
but with most of the team around me and a couple flutes of champagne flowing through my veins, I give in. it's going to be small, even though I'm not going to see it until it's done. Penelope and Morgan being in charge of the design scares me, though. I start to get nervous that I'm going to end up with a unicorn tramp stamp.
"where are you gonna get it?" Garcia nudges my shoulder once we get inside the tattoo parlor. her eyes are traveling over all the intense artwork, which I can already tell is very much not her style. the walls are covered in intricate prints from past customers.
I think to myself for a moment. if I'm being completely honest, there's one place I've been meaning to get a tattoo, but never have. it's easy to hide, which is good. as long as the design they choose isn't horrifically embarrassing, I'll do it.
"I'm thinking..." I pull the waistband of my jeans down a little until it's right below my hip bone. "there."
"sexy." she says suggestively. I laugh.
"depending on what you guys have decided to give me, yeah." I angle for a hint, but Penny isn't caving.
"are you ready?" Morgan asks, having returned from the front desk area, where he's been talking to the artist. I take a deep breath, peer around at the rest of the team. we look like an odd bunch in here, an assortment of ages all gathered in a dark tattoo parlor.
Spencer's watching me with a concerned expression and I realize that I've been staring around for a decent amount of time. he doesn't say anything, although I've noticed that he's got a certain face he makes right before he does-- and he's making it.
"Clea, are you sure you wanna do this? you don't have to." JJ touches my shoulder suddenly. I realize that they think I'm genuinely worried and I let out a laugh.
"yeah, I'm fine," I turn to Morgan. "lead the way, handsome."
the tattoo artist has me lie down while he preps all his tools, snaps on his gloves. everyone sees me on my stomach and Emily gasps.
"are you getting a tramp stamp?"
"what? no," I giggle. "I'm gonna get it here." I show them the spot I just showed Penelope, and Spencer raises his eyebrows. Prentiss whispers something in Morgan's ear and the suave agent smirks.
"you're gonna like this." Penny grins. I glance at the tattoo artist to see how he reacts to that statement, but he's got a good poker face, unfortunately.
"are you being serious or are am I gonna hate all of you?" I ask.
"maybe a bit of both?" Spencer says in a slightly higher pitch, looking pleased to be in on the joke. I stare at him in disbelief.
"he knows what I'm getting, too?" I point disdainfully. Morgan laughs at the attitude.
"I told him on the way here."
I shake my head slowly and turn my attention to the boy genius, who is hiding a proud smile. there's a boyish quality to it that makes me feel a little better. I have to pull the side of my pants down as I turn on my side for the artist, and a peek of my black underwear makes Prentiss let out a whistling noise. my cheeks turn pink.
"shut up."
"are you ready?" the tattoo guy asks me. it's only then that I notice we're close to actually getting this done. I have no idea what's going on my body-- but there's no time like the present, right?
"sure."
it's the buzzing of the machine when he finally touches the needle to my skin that surprises me more than the pain itself. I feel myself resist the urge to move away, but I'm still enough for him to keep working.
"how's it feel?" Emily asks.
"like getting a tattoo." I wince. Penelope softens, looking between her coworkers guiltily.
"oh no," she complains, then comes over to me and grabs my hand in hers. "is this better?"
I squeeze tightly at the stinging sensation across my thigh, but she doesn't pull away at all.
"yeah." I smile. everyone is watching me intently, so much so that it puts me off a bit. "can we talk about something, maybe? it doesn't help when you're all staring."
"sure," JJ grins. "so..."
the pressure to start a conversation kills any potential for one, and then Spencer clears his throat. "anybody wanna see a cool magic trick?"
I snort and the rest of the team lets out a chuckle as the genius pulls a deck of cards out of his pants pocket. Morgan pats his shoulder. "I hope it works this time."
"it worked last time!" Reid protests, but his cheeks have taken on a slightly rosy hue. I watch him shuffle the mysterious deck and do some fancy tricks that I've never seen before, the corner of his mouth quirking with a sudden air of confidence.
Penelope is still holding my hand, and I can feel the metal of her sparkly rings pressing against my fingers. I choose to focus on the theatrical movements that Spencer is definitely using on purpose instead of the strange, sharp pain.
he fans out the cards and shows them to me, smiling. "pick a card, any card."
"hmm..." I tap my chin thoughtfully and stare at the bright red designs covering the back. I wonder if it's a rigged deck, or if he actually knows tricks. he doesn't seem like the type of person to be into magic. but then again, Spencer is full of surprises. I grab a random one in the middle, pluck it out and memorize it. a red six of spades.
"alright, then..." he grins and slams the deck back into one neat pile, then does some weird shuffling move again and shows the fanned-out deck to Morgan this time. "your turn."
Morgan's gaze flickers between the cards and Reid's face, which is trying to suppress a smile. the dimple on the right side of his cheek twitches once. when Derek taps a card near the end, Spencer nods and does the same thing that he did when I picked one.
except this time, as soon as he's got the whole deck together, he taps them a bit too hard and they go flying. fifty-two-pick-up style, Queens and Kings and Jokers tumbling to the linoleum floor in a defeated descent. my eyes widen and second-hand embarrassment rolls in, followed by the team's stunned silence.
I even feel the tattoo artist falter a bit in his work.
"oh." Spencer says. JJ puts her hand on his shoulder.
"Spence, it's fine."
"no, no, it's not-- I practiced this, like, fifty times last night--" his face is bright red as he drops to his knees. Penelope glances once at you and you return her stare with a pitying expression. Emily goes to help him, then Morgan and JJ.
"let me just..." he gathers up the remaining cards that they hand him, putting them back together into the pile again. I watch as he goes through them, somehow counting at lightning speed before frowning. "we're missing one."
everyone looks around, but it's obvious that there aren't any more stray cards lying about. I feel bad for him, not only because it didn't work but because he practiced it so much. I've been wondering what he does on the weekends-- magic tricks never even crossed my mind.
then Spencer's face lights up.
he comes over to me and gestures to my side, right by the spot where the tattoo artist is working. "may I?"
"uh--" I glance down at where he's pointing, the small patch of bare stomach. "sure?"
his fingertips graze beneath my tummy, between my skin and the smooth leather of the tattoo table, and snatch a card out from under me. it's barely a touch, but my breath hitches in my throat. my fingers tighten just slightly around Penelope's.
he holds up a red six of spades. the enormous grin on his face gives him away. "this wouldn't happen to be your card, would it?"
I gasp and nod, amazement on my face before it's wiped away by the sharp pain of the needle. Spencer displays the red six of spades to the whole team, then basks in their surprised applause.
Emily's smiling in disbelief. "you really had us going for a second."
"wait, wait--" I poke his leg and Spencer turns to me. "how did you do that?"
there's no way he could have hidden it there without me knowing; if he had slipped a card beneath my bare skin, surely I would have felt it. but the magic man just shrugs and shakes his head at me.
"a good magician never shares their secrets, Clea."
this time, the blush spreads over my cheeks. he's cocky right now, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not enjoying it. he's in his element, I realize, even if it is an unexpected one. and as he puts the cards into his back pocket, the group erupts with questions.
he's done magic before in front of them, but they seem to be awestruck by his performance this time. admittedly, I think the whole klutz act really added a nice dramatic element to it.
I'm mostly quiet for the rest of the tattooing process, although everyone else is chattering about the trick and how well the ink is going to turn out. I'm still wracking my brain for ideas of what they chose, but I honestly don't know. I've been banned from peeking.
maybe this was a mistake-- I've only recently joined this team, and already allowed them to decide what's going to be on my body forever. at least it's small. and maybe I'll actually like it; who knows?
when the artist lets out a satisfied sigh and turns the needle off, however, I find myself twisting around and staring frantically at the new design.
"oh my god."
it's a tiny airplane, with two dotted loopty-loops behind it. just small enough to be adorable.
"what do you think?" Garcia asks, eyeing it herself. they all gather around to admire the new design that sits on the outside of my upper thigh. I giggle.
"I love it."
"don't sound so relieved." Emily laughs. I can't help the bubbly excitement in my stomach.
"sorry, I just didn't know what to expect."
Spencer is staring at the ink when he turns to the tattoo artist. "how long until you think it'll be healed?"
the guy stands up to get treatment stuff for it. "I'd say about two weeks, but it varies from person to person." he leaves to grab cling film.
"I thought for sure you'd be the one to know that." I smirk at the genius. he shoves his hands in his pockets, makes sure the artist is out of earshot, and then looks back at you.
"I do know." he scoffs.
"uh huh." I laugh.
"actually, for the record," he lowers his voice. "I'd recommend at least three weeks instead of two. the last thing you want is infected flesh."
"yum, Spencer. thanks for that image." I smile with wide eyes and he shrugs.
...
it's quiet when I shut the door of my apartment shut behind me. I've got a bag full of supplies with me to clean the new art, and I'm feeling lethargic after getting lunch with the team. because Rossi wasn't around to foot the bill, I made the mistake of offering to pay.
we've got the day off after the most recent slew of cases, so I've determined to spend the rest of my day well. I could curl up with a nice documentary, or I could scrub my kitchen and do a little tidying up around here. god knows the film of dust on my bookshelves needs to be wiped away.
oh my god.
am I boring? maybe. possibly.
I shake the thought from my head and bring my things into the kitchen to organize. after spending a few hours cleaning up, I go out grocery shopping, then come home to sit down with a book. my errands take up so much time, I don't even notice the DC sunlight sinking beneath the harsh lines of the city, drenching my apartment in a silky darkness poked through with lit lamps.
it's already 9pm and I kind of want to hang out with someone, but I doubt any of the team wants to spend any more time with me than they did before lunch. or they might have plans with their families.
well, I know one person who definitely doesn't have plans.
I pull out my phone and hit Spencer's contact before I can talk myself out of it, knowing full well that it's not a big deal but still becoming a little nervous. it rings three times before he picks up.
"hello?"
"hey, Spencer."
"Clea. what's-- what's up?" he sounds more confused than anything. probably because I just saw him about an hour ago.
"I know it's late, but do you wanna come over? I'm bored and I feel like you know more about tattoo cleaning than I do." it's a weak excuse.
"why would I know more about tattoo cleaning--"
"you know damn well why, Reid," I laugh. "don't fish for compliments."
there's a slight laugh on the other end of the line before he replies. "I'll be over soon."
I wait patiently, preparing two mugs of coffee in the meantime. I'm sure we'll both want the caffeine, because I have no urge to turn in early tonight. my stomach twists a bit when he calls to tell me he's here, and I go to let him in. I'm not nervous.
except I actually am a little bit nervous when I open the door and there's Spencer with a shy smile and a coat that's a bit too big for him. it hangs off his narrow frame, and I realize that it must have just started raining. his hair is wet and there are dark spots on his clothes where the water has seeped through.
"get inside, my god." I move aside so he can come into the apartment and warm up. he walks in, looks around at my walls. I realize that he's never been here before. "welcome to my humble abode, Dr. Reid."
"it's nice." he compliments without much emotion. I lock the door and turn just in time to see his hand shaking at his side.
"thanks. let me take your coat." I glance out the window, where I now notice the rain pelting the glass.
Spencer shrugs off his jacket and hesitantly lets me hang it on the hook by the door before turning to him with my hands on my hips. "so, how are you?"
"I'm good," he smiles a little and runs a hand through his hair. "I actually read an article on the way here about those psychedelic mushrooms we were discussing the other day."
"is that, like, our thing, now?" I joke and gesture to the couch, where two mugs of hot coffee rest on coasters. he sits down gingerly on the cushions, sitting at the very opposite end of the couch from me.
"I can send it to you, if you'd like." he smiles.
"please do. I've been hoping for some titillating reading, recently." I hand him the mug and he stop before taking a sip.
"how many sugars did you put in this?"
"relax, genius, I'm not out to get you--" I catch his eye. "yet."
he giggles and takes a sip, then another. the smile tugging at my lips is too obvious for my liking; I'm just glad that I got the amount of sugar correct. it would have been funny to ambush him with a sweetness attack, although I think making him come here in the rain was punishment enough.
"have you ever had oat milk?" he asks out of the blue. I frown.
"yeah, why?"
"just wondering. I'm lactose intolerant and was considering trying it."
"you're lactose intolerant?"
"mhmm." he nods enthusiastically.
"I watched you eat three yogurt cups in a row yesterday." I chuckle at the memory of it. he eats so much and remains as skinny as a telephone pole.
"I love dairy." he shrugs it off. I pull my legs up beneath me on the couch and give him a serious expression.
"well, personally, I think oat milk tastes horrendous and it makes me want to vomit, but you should try it."
"noted."
we start to talk about various nondairy alternatives for coffee and it ends up being a surprisingly fun conversation. talking to Spencer has its own charm-- it's not just a conversation, it's a fully immersive experience. from his ambitious vocabulary to the unconscious gestures he makes, all of it keeps me hooked.
I rest my cheek on my palm, elbow leaning against the back of the couch while I nod along to him talking about almond farming. he's got a disdainful expression on his face as he brings up its environmental consequences, punctuating every few sentences with another sip of his coffee.
the rain is still pouring outside. thunder occasionally rolls over the sky and shakes the windows in their panes. my eyes flit from his face to the view when a flash of lightning catches my attention.
"--sorry, we should clean your tattoo." he seems to catch himself mid-thought, realizing that he came here to help me and not just rant about the business of almonds. I smile.
"no worries. this stuff is interesting to me, too."
"there's this documentary out now about it, too, that I've been meaning to watch."
"really?"
"yeah!" his face lights up. "if you want, we can--" he clears his throat. "we can watch it together."
he blushes as he says it, and I can tell that he's worried about how his intentions will come off. he can't take it back, so he runs the pad of his index over his middle finger and fidgets in a subtle way.
"that sounds like fun." I don't want him to feel weird. we've only hung out a few times, and I'm sort of looking forward to it.
"great," he straightens and adjusts his shirt, which has gotten slightly rumpled from his curling up on the couch. his tie is crooked, too. "where are the cleaning supplies?"
"in the kitchen."
"perfect, we should be doing it in there anyway." he stands, pushes a bit of his hair behind his ear while he waits for me to follow-- and I do, albeit with a wince from my tender side. it doesn't hurt as much as I expected.
he follows me into the minuscule kitchen and doesn't hesitate to start going through the things the artist gave me to take home. there's some foam wash and special moisturizer for it, not a lot. it's small enough that the care will be minimal, which is reassuring.
it's only when Spencer's washing his hands that I realize I'll need to unbutton my pants again in order to reach the tattoo. which means this is about to get at least slightly awkward for the both of us.
he turns around just in time to see me unzipping my jeans and his eyes widen.
"how else do you expect to clean it?" I laugh, and he gulps, visibly. his Adam's apple bobs in his throat and he nods in understanding.
"y-yeah, of course." his eyes are everywhere but on me. suddenly, my kitchen walls are incredibly interesting.
I shove down the waistband of my pants until they're just below my upper thigh, then I sit up on the counter and clear my throat. "I can cover some of myself if that makes you more comfortable."
"no, no, that's okay--" he speaks too quickly, then recognizes his mistake. "it's okay. this shouldn't take very long, anyway."
without another word, I shrug and watch him delicately peel away the film. his fingertips are back to barely touching my skin, just like when he pulled that card out from beneath me, and I stop breathing for a moment.
there's also a gel-like substance under the covering, which he tells me is just standard petroleum jelly. Spencer moves with a near surgical (and altogether unnecessary) precision. his eyes are glued to my skin as if forcing them not to stray to my now exposed panties. it doesn't feel sexual at all because it's not, thankfully.
when he uses the foam wash and begins to rub it into my skin, he frowns with concern and looks up at me. "is this okay? you can do it yourself if--"
"it's fine, Reid," I answer too quickly this time. heat rushes to my cheeks. "I honestly thought this was going to be a more complicated process than it really is."
"it's pretty simple, especially for something this small." he shrugs. "obviously, you don't want to get it infected, so I'd just think of it as treating a cut."
silence in our respective positions at the moment makes me nervous, so I change the subject.
"magic tricks, huh?" if anything, I need to distract myself from the way his hand is rubbing over my skin in a totally nonsexual and platonic way.
he relaxes a little, lifting his gaze to mine with a somewhat pleased countenance. "yeah, I love magic."
it's like peeling back a corner of wallpaper and seeing a shade of red beneath; not a lot, but enough to pique my curiosity. "a man of science?"
Spencer shakes his head at the air of faux sophistication I pour into it. "the world needs some wonder."
he says it in an offhand way, although I feel the weight of it from the way he runs a damp paper towel over the last of the cleansing foam. his touch presses into me and his eyes are lowered in a slightly distant way.
"how long have you been into it?" I fight the urge to ask a million questions at once.
"since I was a kid," he jerks back to attention. the grin on his face tells you just how special this is to him. "I used to buy all the books and practice for my mom constantly."
"did you ever do the trick with the never-ending string of handkerchiefs?" I recall one of the only classic moves I know. Reid laughs.
"that one's easy."
"what about the coin behind the ear?" I throw out another one.
Spencer straightens, doesn't even bother to set down the paper towel, before reaching up behind my ear and pulling away with a shiny quarter set between his thumb and forefinger. "you mean this one?"
there it is again, that confidence I saw in the tattoo parlor. he's standing just close enough for me to notice, and I grin as I snatch the metal out of his hand and set it on the counter beside me. "thanks."
"no problem." he laughs.
"you should do that more often."
"the coin trick? I'd go broke." he jokes. I laugh at the rare appearance of Spencer's playful side, hoping to get a bit more of it before we have to go back to being serious at work.
"magic in general, I mean. I think it would brighten up the office a bit."
he thinks about it for a moment, washing his hands again. the sound of the faucet reminds me to put my lotion on my leg. I get to it while he thinks of what to say.
"yeah, maybe you're right."
"I still find it funny that you're into that kind of stuff." I say honestly. of all the things for him to nerd out about, this feels almost comically unexpected. but Reid only gives me a shy smile before replying.
"it always made my mom laugh when I was a kid."
"is she also good at it?"
"tricks? no," he chuckles. there's a washcloth between his long, slender fingers that he's been using to dry them for the past two minutes. at this point, I think he's doing it to keep from fidgeting. "she says it's an old fashioned thing, and that only made me wanna do it more."
"well," I cap the bottle and set it down on the counter, pull my jeans up and lean against the counter with a smile. "I like old fashioned."
Spencer gives a friendly smile. "me too."
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krillin-fanfic · 3 years
Text
Identity In Ink
Welp, I did a thing! Probably one of only two I’ll be able to do this month, but I DID IT! This one’s for the “Tattoo” prompt, and mostly 18-focused and a shortie, but it’s a concept I’ve discussed with people in the past: Basically, did Gero ever do anything to mark his creations, and if so, how would they deal with that. And this one just kinda flowed out. Feel free to show some love or leave feedback in the links too! FF.net link AO3 link Without further ado, here we go.
Sometimes, she couldn't help but let it bother her.
It was a small thing. Something hidden away, beneath clothing, able to be put out of sight, and thus out of mind. But since she'd moved here... since she'd spent more time with her husband on the beach... it was becoming harder to ignore.
"Hmm.." 18 stood in front of the bedroom mirror, her pajama shorts pulled down a bit as she gazed at her hip, fingers idly tracing the object of her discomfort. There, on her left hip, was a small tattoo of the Red Ribbon logo.
It really shouldn't have bothered her, she knew; she'd made her peace with that part of her life a couple of years ago, around the same time she'd finally allowed herself to accept she'd had feelings for her best friend. But still, it reminded her of a time when she hadn't been so free. Reminded her that everything she used to be had been stolen away from her. Reminded her of that twisted old man and his "experiments"...
"Hey babe, you ok?"
18 inhaled sharply and let go of the shorts, the elastic snapping back against her as she spun to face her questioner, her expression cool as ice. "Do I look like I'm in trouble, dear?"
Krillin frowned, tugging at the loose shirt that served as his pajama top. "Well... yes, honestly. You can fool a lot of other folks, 18, but I know when something's bothering you." He pointed at the mirror behind her. "Plus I kinda caught you staring at that for a while."
18 closed her icy blue eyes and exhaled sharply through her nose. "Picking up habits from the old man again, are we?"
"Hey now, come on," he protested. "You're my wife and the mother of my child, who is finally asleep, might I add. But I'm allowed to look in our bedroom."
18 crossed her arms and huffed. "Peeping tom."
Krillin laughed as he noticed the faintest hint of a smile on his wife's lips. "Okay, okay, my bad." He threw his hands up in mock despair. "Spare me, oh mighty goddess of Kame Island."
She opened one eye and peered at him. "Hmm... offer me tribute and I'll consider it."
Krillin took a step forward and stood on his tiptoes, placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Is that better, mistress?"
18 felt her face flush. "N-no... not good enough." Her blush deepened as she felt his hand cup her cheek and bring her face to meet his, her heart skipping a beat as he began to place feather-soft kisses on her lips. She loved this feeling. It was almost enough to make her forget-
She broke off the kisses and sighed deeply again. "Okay... okay yeah, there is something that's been bothering me."
"Ahhh, I figured." He took her hand in his. "What's bugging you, hon? Is it that... mark again?"
She nodded. "Mhm. Just seems so dumb. I know that's not who I am, I know I'm more than that, but sometimes when I see it, it just reminds me of before. Back when I really thought I'd lost my humanity. When I thought it was too late."
Krillin frowned. "Babe, if it bothers you that much, we can try to do something about it." He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. "We can always see about getting it removed."
18 snorted. "Like we can afford that? Those procedures aren't cheap, you know. Besides, I doubt there are any places that do that who have a laser remotely strong enough to work on my skin."
Krillin shrugged. "Fair enough, I suppose." He rubbed his chin for a moment. "Have you considered covering it up with something else, then?"
18 rubbed her forehead. "Maybe... I dunno. I'm not sure what I'd put there even if I could, really." She sat silent for a moment, seemingly lost in thought. "I think... I think I'm gonna go check on Marron real quick." She gave her husband a pat on the head as she headed out the door. "Back in a sec."
She tiptoed across the hall to her daughter's room, the door now adorned with letters spelling out the little one's name, turning the knob as quietly as she could. She only opened it wide enough to slip in, and shut the door behind her; no sense risking her baby girl waking up when she could see just fine in the dark, after all. She took the final two steps to the crib nestled in the middle of the room and smiled.
There lay her baby girl, sound asleep. Her blonde curls splayed out on her pillow, her tiny fist balled up on her chubby little cheek, little noseless face the picture of angelic calm as her tiny chest rose and fell with each breath. 18 reached out and brushed her other cheek softly, and sighed with content.
Little Marron had only recently reached an age where they'd felt comfortable letting her have her own room, and even then it was reluctantly. But between needing a larger crib, and frankly no small amount of frustration, they'd decided it was time. Little Marron hadn't initially been a fan, being quite fussy the first few nights; her father had been as well, and 18 rather appreciated the irony of her husband wanting a return to their intimacy yet also being grumpy about not having Marron with them. She understood though. Marron was one of the only two people whose mere presence seemed to have a calming effect on her. She could be in the worst of moods, but the moment that baby girl cooed at her, it all seemed to drift away as she got lost in those big dark eyes.
18 rested her cheek on her arm as she watched her baby sleep. Her baby. The idea had felt so impossible not so long ago. She'd been sure, positive, that all the alterations to her body would have made her unable to conceive. Gero hadn't seemed the type to leave behind anything that didn't fit his uses, after all. And it's not as if she and Krillin had bothered with precautions for well over a year without consequence. 18 allowed herself an admittedly lecherous smirk at the memories.
But then, one day, it'd happened. The news had shocked both of them, and been a source of both happiness and fear for them as well. But the moment their little bundle of love had come into the world, all that fear seemed to vanish in an instant. She's been so very small, with her mother's soft blonde hair and her father's eyes and features. There was no doubt she was theirs, and Krillin opined that she was the physical manifestation of their love. She'd initially snorted derisively and called him sappy, but as she held their little bundle, she couldn't help but quietly agree.
The tiny form in front of her stretched and yawned, and her heart melted. She was so sweet and innocent... so much so that 18 could find it hard to believe she came from her. She'd been meant to be an assassin, a killer, but now all she wanted was to protect this little angel. 18 smiled and leaned down, placing a feather-soft kiss on her baby's head before quietly opening the door backing out into the hall, gently shutting it behind her.
"She really is amazing, huh?" 18 stiffened and turned to see Krillin leaning against their doorway, grinning.
"Amazing is an understatement. Sometimes I still can't believe that we... that I-"
Krillin straightened and stepped toward her, shushing her. "You best start believing it, 18. She's ours." He took her hand and kissed it softly and smiled as she sighed, contentedly. "You feeling better now?"
"Yeah, I suppose so," she said, wrapping her arms around him. "Feels kinda silly now, letting something like that get to me as much as it did."
He rubbed her back softly. "Nah, it's understandable hon, believe me. So... any ideas on what you might wanna cover that up with?"
18 glanced over at her daughter's door once more. She was her second chance, the ultimate proof of her humanity. The center of her world. Her eyes fell to the plaque on the door, taking in the letters of her daughter's name. 'M-A-R-R...'.
She smiled. "Yeah... I actually do."      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once 18 had decided on her new design, Krillin had called up Bulma to see is she's had any ideas on how they could get this done; 18's skin was near-unbreakable, after all, and no normal needle was up to the task. Bulma had eagerly agreed to be of assistance and told them to come over the next day.
It had taken a moment for 18 to brace herself, going back into a sterile lab, laying down on a table, but the procedure had been shockingly swift, a matter of minutes, and it was over before she's realized. She handled it well, all things considered, though Krillin's hand was a bit sore by the time it was over. He smiled at her. "See? That wasn't too bad." He leaned over and gently pecked her nose. "I'm proud of you, babe."
18 nodded and hopped off the slab, walking over to the mirror to examine the new ink, as Krillin turned to speak to Bulma.
"Thanks for the assist, Bulma," Krillin said. "This really means a lot."
The blue-haired Capsule Corp heiress brushed her gloves off on her overalls and lifted her face shield. "Oh, no worries. I had a free day today, and I'd been meaning to test this puppy out." She patted the side of the machine. "I got a custom order from a dinosaur rancher asking for something capable of inking numbers into his livestock, but he never showed up with a test subject so I never got to see if it worked. Just a matter of coding in the design and letting the computer do its thing!"
Krillin blinked. "Wait, did you just use my wife as a guinea pig?"
The heiress chuckled and waved him off. "Don't think of it like that. I never would have offered to do this if I wasn't 100% sure it was safe."
"I gotta admit, I never knew there were dinosaur ranchers out there..."
"Oh... yeah." Bulma scratched her cheek. "I mean, there aren't anymore, but..."
He raised his eyebrows. Oh. I...oh."
"Yeeeeah." She laughed nervously. "Turns out there's probably a reason that profession isn't very common, huh?" She glanced over at 18. "So, whaddya think?"
18 gazed at the small tattoo in the mirror. The red ribbon had been altered to resemble a small red butterfly, and letters added in the same font to now read "MARRON". It was a minor change, but it suited her perfectly. Red Ribbon's mark had been a symbol of the humanity stolen from her; this would be a reminder of what had proven to her that they never had.
She felt Krillin's hand slip into hers and smiled, warmly.
"It's perfect."
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missdawnandherdusk · 4 years
Text
I Will Rise
Hufflepuff!Reader X Draco
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Chapter 1     Chapter 2    
Chapter 3    Chapter 4
Chapter 5     Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Summary: With the next winter holiday things get to their lowest point. But rock bottom is always the place to start building up. 
A/N: So this was supposed to be super angsty with no end in sight but ya know, I changed my mind. This is angsty don’t get me wrong, but this is also where choices are made and people are changed for the better or worse. Sidenote: I just ended a four year relationship yesterday and ya know. I’m great. Anyway. Love yall!! Let me know that you think as always!!
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Draco and I stood at the Manor gates. Dark clouds rolled in, suffocating us. They threatened with snow, ice, and fury.
“It’s the Dark Magic,” Draco noted, his voice seemingly indifferent, taking my hand.
I nodded, sighing. Something was to be said about missing sunny days and warmth. Even in the dead of winter, this chill sat differently on our shoulders. Winter promised spring... this artic promised nothing but death.
Inside and unpacked, Draco and I shared a bit of tea in front of a warm fire. He was reading The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe aloud, and despite my adoration of the book, I couldn’t seem to lose myself in the words as I once had. Even with the silkiness of Draco’s voice. I now had a deeper understanding for Narnians before the events of the book. An endless winter with only a small gossamer of hope to cling too.
“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
The words mocked me. Draco seemed to pick up on my disinterest.
“Don’t tell me you don’t prefer the book any longer?” There was a soft teasing smile on his lips as he closed the book, setting it on his lap. It was the one I had given him almost a year ago.
“No, I do,” It was a sad sigh. “I just... do you think someone is out there for us? An Aslan to come and save us?” I hugged my knees.
“Well, you know as well as I do,” He took the same book and flipped further back before settling on a page that seemed to satisfy him.
"Dearest," said Aslan very gently, "you and your brother will never come back to Narnia."
"Oh, Aslan!!" said Edmund and Lucy both together in despairing voices.
"You are too old, children," said Aslan, "and you must begin to come close to your own world now."
"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"
"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan. "Are — are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.
"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."
A smile brushed my lips as he closed the book again.
“But do you think that was meant for us?” I laid my head on his shoulder.
“I think that it was meant to give hope,” Draco decided after a quiet moment, “Aslan, by any other name, would still be something to believe in,”
“Unless that name happens to be Harry Potter,” I chuckled, drawing a laugh from Draco. “And have you been reading my Shakespeare?”
“Maybe a bit,” A smile toyed at his lips.
“Romeo and Juliet though?” I rolled my eyes. “I told you, it wasn’t a good story to read presently,”
“I think you also told me that it was worth keeping the books that didn’t have a happy ending,” Draco set the book on the coffee table and pulled me into his hold.
“Do you think we’ll have one?” I asked softly. “A happy ending?” His face was hard to read as his eyes fixed on the burning fire.
“How can we with what we’re going to do?” The words echoed in my thoughts as we both sobered.
The plea for him to not do what he was asked of came rushing to my lips, but I held them there. I wouldn’t tell him. I had decided on that long ago. This was the one choice that he needed to figure out how to make on his own. I was torn myself. I wanted to tell him to stop, to help him make this choice, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to. But I could stay beside him... I prayed that it would be enough for him.
Even with the holiday upon us, the air was void of excitement and magic. The Manor was decorated immaculately even still. Tears stung my eyes, when thinking that this was the first Christmas I ever had without my mother, without baking or cooking or the music or movies. There was nothing to do in the kitchen with the house elves working and practically shoving me out of the room. There was nothing to clean. Nothing to tidy or move... It felt unnatural. Draco pulled me into his arms, giving me the comfort that I craved so desperately.
“Your mother is arriving soon,” He murmured softly. “Are you going to be alright?”
“I think so... we’ve been civil through writing. How bad could this possibly be?” My words were cynical but hopeful still. “Besides... at least it won’t be just the four of us. By comparison my mother will be a delight,”
“Bellatrix has agreed to be civil, and Snape always comes for Christmas. Or has before the last couple years at least. He’s my godfather, you know. He and my father were close when they were young,” Draco’s voice was strained. “But I suppose they will all be needles in a haystack,”
“It was right to invite the rest of...” I trailed off. “They’re alone too,” 
“Always the Hufflepuff, are we?” He mused softly.
I hummed in acknowledgement. I was still wary about Bellatrix attending supper. Too many things had the chance of going poorly.
“You know we have to do this,” He read my thoughts.
“The perfect children. The perfect couple. The perfect soldiers.” I sighed. “What I wouldn’t give to go back to that night at the Ball. Or the month after...”
“It’s ironic,” Draco chuckled darkly. “That we now know ignorance is bliss,” I nodded at the doorbell chimed throughout the house.
“Ready?”
“As I’ll ever be,”
It was something quite different dining with just the Slytherins and dining with their parents as well. It wasn’t just I and Draco who were playing perfect children, but all of my friends, everyone I knew. All sapped of joy, of smiles, expression... under the scrutiny of their parents. Blaise, Vincent, Greg, Theo, and Pansy.
“How has schooling been?” My mother tried asking as the first course was served. 
“Well—”
“Ugh,” Bellatrix scoffed. “Who can learn anything with that daft old fool as headmaster?” 
“Bellatrix,” Narcissa warned gently.
“Yes, yes. Civil. As you wish,” She rolled her eyes and slouched, digging into what I assumed was quail.
Draco and I shared a look. Attempts for conversations halted after that.
Dinner passed and I barely tasted any of the surely rich foods that were placed before me. After the awkward affair, my mother asked to speak with me in private. Draco, Narcissa, and oddly enough, Snape eyed me warily.
“Of course,” I gave Draco one last look. He looked as if he were ready to pick me up and make a run for it, but he refrained.
I led her to the small rose garden that Draco had once led me to. It seemed sacrilegious to tread upon this secret haven, but it was a place that gave me comfort. Though it was covered in snow and the trees and bushes were bare, I still remembered the summer warmth the garden offered.
“You have surrounded yourself with quite a group people my dear,” Her voice strained out the words. “And that dress is lovely,”
“A gift from Narcissa,” A tight smile touched my lips. 
“So, you’ve replaced me then?”
I turned, frowning at my mother.
“You really think that?” I was baffled.
“Well look at you! New dress, new shoes, new friends! You’re living and dining with a bunch of Death Eaters for Merlin’s sake!”
“Yes, because I had so much of a choice to abandon the people I love and come home and live with my mother who lied to me for fifteen years and manipulated me!” I watched as my sharp words silenced her.
“You could have come home any time,” It was a quiet notion.
“No, I couldn’t have,” I wrapped my arms around myself and took a deep breath. “I’m going inside,”
“Please, dear. It is Christmas,”
“Yes,” I turned to face her. “And I’d rather be inside with Draco, if you can understand that.” 
“Draco,” It was nearly a sneer. “I have heard... rumors about him.”
“I really don’t think you have any right to say a word,” I said, my tone as ice.
“You’re blind. Your own love blinds you to who he really is. You’re going to get hurt,” There was an air of concern in her voice.
“No! I’ve spent years of my life terrified of letting people in because you’ve got it so deeply ingrained in me that I might get hurt! Well you were wrong about the world! And you were wrong about me!” I stalked up to her. “I have done things that you will never know! That you will never understand! I’m living through a war for god’s sake mom! And you’re here yelling at me about who I’m dating!?” I took a small step back, shaking my head. “This was a mistake...”
“Y/n, wait, please, you have to understand—”
“No mom! You... you don’t get to just waltz in here and ask me to understand! I don’t have to understand, and you really don’t get to give a damn after all you put me through! Don’t you think I want to have my mother here for me!? That it doesn’t kill me inside because I’ve never felt so alone in my life!? That everything I’ve known has been pulled from under me and while I’m trying to set myself somewhere new you just criticize me!? No! You just...”
“And what would your father say?”
I gaped at her, enraged.
“How dare you!?” I annunciated each word. “Dad would be damn proud of me! And he never would have let you do what you did to me! I am supposed to be your daughter! But I’m done.”
Without another word I stalked up to the house and inside, fuming. Draco caught me at the door, but I shrugged him off.
“Love,”
“No,” I snapped. “I need to cool down, just...” Wordlessly I headed upstairs before collapsing behind a random locked door, sobbing.
After a while, when my tears had subsided and my frame only shook minimally, I pulled myself up off the ground and stumbled over to a vanity. It must have been a guest room that I found myself in.
The girl looking back was a mess. Tear tracks stained with mascara ran down her cheeks and red lipstick was smudged out of place. Her hair was hanging haphazardly and out of order. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her lips etched into a permanent grimace.
There was a knock at the door. 
“Go away, Draco,” I sniveled.
“Do I look like that blond-haired prat to you?” The door clicked closed softly as I saw Pansy’s reflection in the mirror.
“Pansy, please... I—”
“You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m not here to console you, not particularly,” She came up beside me and leaned against the vanity. “Everything’s really fucked up, huh?” Her voice was depressed as she looked down.
“That doesn’t even begin to describe it,” I muttered.
“You know, I can’t tell my parents about Abby at all,” Her confession was small and weak. “She’s not a pureblood, and well, they’re not as accepting as her parents are about our relationship...”
I looked up at her, my eyebrows furrowed, trying to figure out why she was telling me this now.
“We haven’t spoken all holiday,” This wasn’t the strong confident Pansy I was used to seeing, but rather a broken scared teenager. “She’s mad at me because I won’t tell my parents about her, and I... I can’t do it. I’m a coward,”
I let out a hopeless laugh and smiled at her.
“I just told my mother off and now I really think I’ve been disowned,” A dry humor coated my voice. “And I’m in love with the son of the man who killed my father,”
“Well shit girl,” Pansy laughed. “You make my problems seem so trivial,”
“Not my intention,” A smile met my lips. “And I’m really sorry about you and Abby... not saying that it’s anywhere near the same... but I’m aware of what it’s like to be scrutinized for my choice in partner.”
Pansy nodded and a silence fell between us.
“You’re going to run yourself thin, Y/n. Trying to be everything for everyone.” Her voice returned to its somber mood.
“I think I’ve past that point,” I muttered darkly.
“Then tell me, little Hufflepuff, who are you going to be?” There was a slight challenge in her eyes. “You don’t have parents watching over your every move, you don’t have the constant expectations.”
“I can’t just—”
“And why not?” She shot back.
“Because I have to protect Draco,” I breathed out. “Play the part and get through this,” 
She eyed me; eyebrow raised but said nothing. “If that’s what you think,” She mused. 
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I shot back.
“Well, the girl I met a couple years ago would stop at nothing to be herself even if it meant being teased and bullied by a couple Slytherins. The same girl who cut off all her hair and started to fight back. I just wondered what changed.”
I opened my mouth to refute her point but refrained. A lot had changed. Draco was a Death Eater now. We had a trial to get through alive or we would both die. I had to somehow manage not to get killed by his aunt preferably. I still had to pass my bloody N.E.W.T.s as if the rest wasn’t enough.
“Tell me, or don’t. But I care about Abby and Draco a lot. And now I’ve got this kid sister under my wing and I don’t want to see her drive herself into the ground like I have. This war is shit, but you... Y/n, you’re someone to believe in.”
I tutted out a laugh. “I’m a mess. Please don’t believe in me,”
“But that’s what makes you so valuable to all of us. Blaise, Theo, Vin, and Greg too. You gave us all a second chance. It doesn’t take much to lay down your life for a good man, but to forgive a bunch of villains?”
“You’re not villains,” I refuted.
“See, that there. That’s why we believe in you.” Pansy smiled. “Even through it all, you still are kind and believe in us,” She tucked my hair behind my ear. “Now let’s get you cleaned up, because I’m sure Draco is on the verge of breaking in here himself,”
I laughed and pulled her into a hug.
“Thanks Pans,”
 _____________________________________
Draco paced outside the door as he heard your ragged sobs coming from within wishing nothing more than to go in there and hold you. But you had asked for space, so he tried to honor that. Draco jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Pansy?” he asked, relaxing a bit. “What—”
“I’ve got this lover boy,” She smiled and patted his shoulder.
“She doesn’t want to be bothered,” Draco defended, glowering.
“Maybe not by you, but I think she needs a sister about now, what do you think?” Pansy raised an eyebrow at him, and it reminded him of all the times that Pansy had been there to be a sister to him and he nodded, knowing that it might help you more that he could.
Draco leaned against the wall, next to the bedroom door, his eyes closed.
“Draco?”
He peaked an eye open to find his mother on the landing with him.
“Is she alright?” Soft concern colored his mother’s voice.
“I have no idea,” It was a ragged whisper. “I knew we shouldn’t’ have invited her mother. I knew it was a bad idea,”
Narcissa laid a hand on his shoulder and tilted his chin up so that his eyes reached hers.
“It was going to happen eventually, but maybe now she can get some closure from it,” His mother sighed. “I remember the night that Andy walked out... it was weeks before that last fight and I could see how much it drained her. And you know it’s been hurting her too,”
“Andy?”
“Your aunt, Andromeda.” Narcissa smiled sadly. “Married a muggle and was disowned... she was barely older than you,”
“Talking about our dear sister again?” Another voice snarked from behind them.
They both turned to see Bellatrix leaning against the stair banister.
“She was a traitor, Cissy,” The witch sneered. “Walked away from this family. Married a muggle,”
“I know,” Narcissa’s voice was strained. “But I thought perhaps it would give some insight to what Y/n is going through,”
“Are you sympathizing with our dear sister then? Are you a traitor sister mine?” Bellatrix raised an eyebrow.
“Of course not,” His mother snapped. “If anything, Y/n has just affirmed her loyalty by turning her back on her muggle loving family,”
Draco knew the words were said to appease Bellatrix, but still he flinched at the reality of them and what it looked like on the outside. He knew that was far from the truth. He knew that you had walked out on your mother because she had a problem with you being with him. It had nothing to do with blood status. But perhaps the wicked narrative would keep you safe.
Three pairs of eyes snapped up as the door opened. Pansy emerged first, a smile on her face and you followed behind. You were smiling and held your head high. You were also barefoot, your stilettos in hand. Draco smiled at the sight.
His aunt on the other hand.
“Improper if you ask me,” She muttered.
“I don’t think anyone did,” The smile on your face was tight and he had to refrain from laughing at the look of shock on Bellatrix’s face. “My apologies Narcissa, I do believe that I may have ruined your dinner party,”
“Think nothing of it my dear,” His mother smiled. “I’m just glad to see that you’re alright.”
Tucked by his side, Draco tried to read your facial expressions, but even he couldn’t pick anything up. What you showed him seemed real. A real smile and real confidence, but he doubted that it was really the case given the present circumstances. But perhaps it wasn’t far fetched after all.
Bellatrix glared at you, but you held no air of worry or fear. Instead it was almost as if you were challenging her. Which left him wondering what in Merlin’s name had Pansy talked to you about.
Draco kept a close eye on you all night, but you really did seem alright. Curled up under his arm on the sofa in the company of just your friends, you were almost at ease. He itched to know what had happened between you and Pansy, but there was never a moment alone with just the two of you.
The night wound down, and soon it was only you, him, and his mother left in the large house. The both of you had drifted to the sitting room that held the grand piano. Draco’s fingers danced along the ivory keys, remembering how last Christmas he had composed for the first time. Your song was still remembered under his fingertips as it became a part of mini concert.
Christmas morning came and there were few presents under the tree, most of them trivial. Christmas seemed trivial. He had gotten a pack of permanent markers from Abby with a note saying that you would know what to do with them. You had gotten a pair of diamond earrings from him—and his mother. You both agreed, however, not to get each other anything. It was a depressing notion, but there was simply nothing to say about the occasion.
That evening, you donned your cloak and smiled at him softly.
“I’m gonna go visit Papa,” Your voice was soft and subtle. “Would you like to join me?”
His eyebrows shot up in surprise. He never expected for you to invite him to something like this. After the events of yesterday he didn’t feel worthy to go with you, let alone meet your father.
“It’s okay Draco, I can go alone,”
“No,” It was immediate. “You’re not going alone,”
Draco never thought that your father would be buried here. At Godric’s Hollow. He supposed it was a common place for wizards to be buried, but... he didn’t make the connection. There were others here as well and he could hear the faint hymns being sung at the church down the road. You and he were just cloaks in the crowd, two hoods visiting a loved one. You paused at a gravestone.
Walter Y/l/n
1956 — 1983
A Father and Husband
~Have Courage and Be Kind~
“Happy Christmas Papa,” You whispered softly, waving your wand, riding the gravestone of snow and frost. You sank to your knees, tears in your eyes and a smile on your lips. “I brought someone here to meet you,” Your fingertips brushed the stone. “This is Draco, Draco Malfoy. I know you probably don’t like the last name Papa, but... he is good,”
Tears welled in Draco’s eyes at the interaction. He stooped beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.
“Hello,” His voice was tight. “You have a wonderful daughter,” A pause. “And though I cannot atone for my father’s mistakes, I will try. And I will be someone worthy of her affection and love,”
You laid your head on his shoulder, not saying anything, but rather enjoying the quiet night, the soft snow starting to fall. Drawing his wand, Draco conjured a small wreath of holly at the bed of the grave.
“He would be so proud of you,” Draco murmured. “As I am.”
“He would be proud of you too,” You looked up at him, snowflakes on your eyelashes. “We should go before the snow gets worse. I can feel it growing dangerous,”
Draco’s eyes darted around to the other mourners in dark colors that made only your silver cloak stand out when his eyes landed on a rather large focal statue. You followed his gaze and stood, standing.
“Do you think Harry has ever...?” The question was soft.
“I don’t think he knows it’s here,” Draco answer truthfully, his brows tugging together.
He led you down the rows of headstones until you were before Lily and James’ gave. It was sobering, seeing it like this. Draco knew the legends and stories, of course, but looking at the small bundle etched in the stone, cradled in Lily’s arms, it seemed almost too real. With your wand, you used the same spell and cleared the grave of frost and snow.
“As much of a prick that he is...” You trailed off. “I hope he’s having a good Christmas,” 
Draco hummed in acknowledgement.
___________________________________
Narcissa greeted us at the door to the Manor. A warning in her eyes. The warning, proven to be in vain because nothing could prepare us for what was awaiting inside. The treacherous smile of Bellatrix greeted us, as she was flanked by two others, in hoods and masks—deeming them unidentifiable. Even though I had seen her the night before, her civility seemed to have vanished.
“The young prince returns, dear sister,” Bellatrix cooed. “But he has not been such a good young prince now has he?” She twirled her wand in her hand as Draco took a step in front of me, his own wand out.
“Bellatrix,” A steady recognizable voice called.
My eyes snapped to the right where Snape stood. His nonchalant demeanor almost blending in with the gloom that hung in the air.
“You know his fate, Bellatrix,” Snape did not attempt to stop her, but something held in his words accomplished the feat.
“Yes,” Her head cocked to one side as she drawled out the word. “But he is not above the Dark Lord’s law. And that goes for his harlot.”
“You will not speak to her like that,” Draco spat, growling.
I placed a hand on his shoulder. I could handle some name calling. I was just desperately trying to figure out Bellatrix’s game and why she had come back and why the hell Snape was here too.
“You know, you might have gotten away with it, little tramp, had the Ministry and that blood traitor Weasley stepped in and torn through the enchantments,” The purr fell from her lips. “And Cissy you should really know better than to leave me alone anywhere,”
Bellatrix waved her wand and I felt unseen hands grab my arms and drag me forward, to the center of the foyer, and then they were gone, causing me to stumble onto my knees. I glowered up at the witch, picking myself up and drawing my wand.
“Bellatrix!” This time it was Narcissa.
“Worry not little sister,” The witch stalked up to me, her wand tracing along the scar that resided under my shirt: from her knife the last time we had met. “She is in no harm... The Dark Lord has plans for her after all... But I am afraid that her possessions...”
My eyes went wide. I shoved the idea that the Dark lord had plans for me and finally figured out her game. The reason she was here.
My room in the manor. Filled with my muggle books, and records, and photos... Everything I had left from the family and home I no longer had.
“Yes, little pet.” Bellatrix snapped. “But I wanted to take this as a learning opportunity. That the Dark Lord will expect nothing less than perfection—dedication.”
“Bellatrix, please—” I started, only for my voice to be taken by a flick of her wand. 
“You will be silent, little toad,” She snapped.
I turned, and saw Draco standing with his mother, pure fury written on his face as Narcissa held him back. As much as I yearned for his touch and comfort, I knew that this had to be played very carefully for us to survive. His eyes met mine.
“Come, come,” The deranged witched cooed almost happily.
Draco wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me along beside him. I looked up at him with frantic questions in my eyes, but he just shook his head. Though I couldn't hear the others behind us, I was sure they were there. Standing at the door of what was once my room, I saw the scattered books, torn pages, and absolute destruction that was in the room’s wake. Tears welled in my eyes at the sight. Draco’s and Narcissa’s arms around me were the only thing that held me back from running forward to save something—anything.
“Draco,” Bellatrix motioned him forward. Rigidly he let me go and took a step forward.
“The Dark Lord and every Death Eater believes that Purebloods are superior. That Muggles are filth and should not be considered human. And yet you allow such scum in your house. Muggle scum.” Bellatrix turned to Draco. “Destroy them. Prove your loyalty, little prince.”
Narcissa’s arms became a vice grip, holding me up instead of holding me back. I ducked into her shoulder, not being able to bring myself to watch what I knew had to be done.
“Confringo,”
Time passed. I wasn’t sure how much time. Maybe seconds... maybe an hour. Everything froze around me. My lung burned for oxygen. My eyes saw nothing. There was nothing left for me to see. Nothing but destruction in wake.
________________________________
“Draco give her mind time to protect itself,” Snape’s calm voice chided, watching the young boy pace outside the room you were in, nursed by Narcissa.
“No.” He snapped. “She—Fuck she’s going to hate me! Do you realize what I’ve just done!” He nearly screeched. “I’ve just destroyed everything—”
“And rightfully so!” Snape hissed. “Do you think the Dark Lord would be as forgiving as Bellatrix? If he came here and saw such things?” Snape’s eyes narrowed. “If it weren’t for the Dark Lord’s plans for her, she’d be under a gravestone by now.”
“Plans for her!?” Draco rushed his teacher, wand out. “No. He doesn’t touch her.” The threat was malicious and icy.
“It is out of your hands,” Snape merely brushed Draco’s wand away. “Has today not been enough for you to understand that there is no other choice for you here?”
Draco took a cool step back. “Crystal.”
The door opened and two pairs of eyes snapped and fell upon a weary Narcissa.
“She is awake,” Her voice wavered slightly. Narcissa walked forward and placed a hand on her son’s shoulder. “She’s asking for you,”
Ice ran through Draco’s veins as dread filled his chest. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was goodbye. Maybe this finally broke you. It’s what he dreaded the most, but knew it was coming.
You were sitting up, on the edge of the bed, your gaze cast to the floor. 
“Y/n, please, you have to—”
You held your hand up and shook your head.
“Books... can be bought again. So, can records...”
“But they—I...”
“Draco,” You called, squeezing your eyes shut. “I know.” Your voice was curt. “I know, but right now, if I dwell on that...”
He nodded and looked down.
“Can you ever forgive me?” Tears welled in his eyes as he sat beside. “Please forgive me,”
“You had no choice,” Your voice was small. “They’re just... things.” Your eyes still didn’t open. “They’re trying to break us. Break me. The Dark Lord has plans for me,” You almost scoffed. “Like I’m his pawn. Like I belong to him!” You stood pacing the room. “Well you know what? He can watch me bleed, he can watch me burn, but I will not give in!” Your voice was vehement. “I—won’t—break,”
Draco gaped at you, utterly shocked. This was... new. This was different. This was also the first time that he had ever seen you so adamantly speak against the Dark Lord with such fervor. A kind of courage that he wished he possessed. A determination that made him believe that maybe, if nothing else, you would get through this. It gave him hope that maybe he would too.
You sat beside him again and took a deep breath, running a hand through your hair. 
“How are you feeling?” You voice was gentle and soft.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” A small smile touched his lips.
A shrug fell from your shoulders and your hand ran up and along his left arm. The action alone eased the ache of the magic etched into his skin.
“I hate what I am,” He confessed through tears. “I hate what I’ve done and what I have to do. I... I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Sobs wracked his frame. “And I don’t know how you’re getting through this so well because I’m just breaking. I’m broken.”
Your arms wrapped around him, head resting on his shoulder.
“And that’s okay,” You pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Go ahead and break. You’ve been strong too long, Draco.” Your hand ran through his hair.
He clung to you desperately, sobbing into your shoulder, hiding there. And he did break. He broke on you. He came apart at the seams in your hands and you held him together.
“I—I don’t w-want to kill him,” He sniveled. “W-why haven’t you tried to stop me?” He started to hiccup from the lack of oxygen.
You took his shoulders and looked him in the eye.
“Deep breath,” You instructed and took an exaggerated breath waiting for him to follow suit. It was shaky and ragged, but Draco managed a couple. “And because I wanted you to figure that out on your own. I wanted you to make that choice,” Your thumb brushed away his tears. “And I’m so proud of you for making it,”
He nodded and collapsed back into your arms a sense of relief flooding through him despite the threats that closed in from all sides.
__________________________________
“M-miss?”
It was early January when the house-elf came to me, clutching something in her hands tightly. Cassie, I thought was her name.
“Yes?” I knelt down, a soft demeanor to the action.
“I—I am—” She started to hyperventilate, tears in her wide eyes.
“It’s alright, sweetheart,” I soothed softly. “I won’t hurt you, nor tell you to hurt yourself. You’re safe in my presence,” I held my hands out, a slow action, showing the cowering house elf that they were empty and held no threat.
“I—I have been a b-bad house elf,” She cried. “I s-stole from M-miss,”
I frown furrowed my brows. I couldn’t think of anything that I owned that was worth stealing. A depressing thought tacked on that I didn’t own anything worthwhile even to me at the moment.
“It’s alright,” I smiled something sad.
The house elf held out what she was clinging too.
My photo album, the gift from Abby last Christmas. Tears sprung in my eyes as I hastily snatched the book from the house elf’s grasp.
“P-p-please do n-n-not be cross with C-C-Cassie,” The elf sobbed. “S-she likes l-l-looking at the p-p-pictures of h-h-happy mom-ments.”
“Oh, I’m not mad,” I quickly rushed out. “Not even in the slightest,” Tears streamed down my face. “You saved this,” I set the album down and drew the elf into a hug that she tried to scramble from but eventually relaxed, sobbing into my shoulder. “Thank you, thank you.” I cried.
“P-P-Please do not tell Master D-Draco,” She sniveled. “Y-Y-You have a-a-always been k-k- kind to us e-e-e-elves, p-p-please,”
“Y/n?” Draco’s voice was concerned. “Tell me what?” Cassie squawked and hid behind me, cowering. 
“M-m-m-master D-Draco,” The elf stammered apologies.
“What’s going on?” Draco was reserved, a mask of calm.
“Cassie, she saved my album.” I ran my fingers over the leather cover. “She took it from my room I guess... said she liked to look at the photos,”
Shock and relief flitted across Draco’s face in waves. He knelt down beside me and brought the book into his hands tears in his eyes.
“Thank you,” He spoke softly to the house elf. “Thank you for saving what I couldn’t,” 
“Draco,” I chided softly, reaching out for him. “It wasn’t your fault,”
“Regardless if it was or not,” He turned his attention back to the house elf. “You have my deepest gratitude,”
I flipped to a worn page by my own hand, to a day last year in the snow of four friends laughing and smiling. It wasn’t much, but I supposed it was something to believe in.
.
Chapter 9
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Masterlist
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The Accident
Request:  I am here again!! I am so glad your requests are open���� can I request on Jensen and daughter reader story? Jensen is a doc and reader is in accident. Jensen is her doc after she brought in hospital so no emergency no needed, dislocated shoulder maybe? Ooh ooh Needle phobia also? I wanted to add some more stuff but I am so excited that your req are open that I forgot everything 😂 please write if you can think of some more. Angst, fluffy stuff please? Gracias❤️
Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Daughter!Reader
A/N: I hope this is alright. :)
Feedback is welcome!
Word Count: 2059
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You should’ve known that nothing gets past your dad, especially when you show up at his work place with a dislocated shoulder along with a small cut on your side to boot. It wasn’t anything serious really and not to mention it was such a ludicrously gained injury too, but leave it to the hospital staff to page your dad who was head of Orthopaedic surgery. 
“Where is she?! Where’s Y/N?!” Your dad’s voice could be heard. The nurse looking after you in one of the rooms turned around just in time to see Jensen storming in. 
“Hi Daddy” You grinned at him. You were a little loopy from the painkillers.
“Y/N! What happened, baby?” He looked so worried and out of breathe and he was still in his scrubs. It would seem he ran here after his surgery. He grabbed the clipboard with your details on it and began going through it.
“Nothing big. Just my bone fell out of place when I fell off my cycle. Stupid motorbike dude crashed into me.” 
“What?! Y/N!”
“Dad it’s fine. It was an accident. He lost control.” His anger sobered you up a little and you tried to calm him down.
“Lost control?! It could’ve been worse!” He was angry, his baby girl got into an accident and he didn’t know how to process it.
“But it’s not. It’ll be fine. Besides it happened close to the hospital. So some people helped me come here.” You made the mistake of shrugging at him and winced immediately. Luckily the painkillers were doing their job. 
“Don’t move, Ms. Ackles. You could make it worse.” The nurse said. She was a sweet thing who was very gentle with you.
He sighed. He didn’t want to argue about it right now. So instead he made his way to you to check on your shoulder. He gently grabbed your arm to check how bad the damage was, making you gasp in pain and tear up. 
“It’s going to be okay. We’ll just pop it back in no time.” He said, calming down to not spook you out even more.
“Daddy, it hurts.” You said wincing from the throbbing pain on your shoulder and sides.
“I know, honey. Just try to relax okay?” He said, grabbing everything needed for after fixing your shoulder. 
He came back beside you and motioned for the nurse to hold you. You looked at them wide eyed, the fear sobering you up a little. The nurse had a solid grip on your uninjured shoulder while Jensen grabbed your other arm, getting ready.
“Okay, on count of three, we’ll pop it back in.” He said looking into your tear filled eyes. 
You didn’t dare move. You sat there stiff as a board. 
“Sweetheart, you need to relax.” He whispered worriedly. 
“I can’t. It hurts a lot and I’m feeling cold. My left side hurts. I can’t relax.” You said sniffling. 
“Okay, look at me baby girl.” Jensen said standing in front of you. 
You looked into his eyes and a tiny sense of calm washed over you. Your dad always had a way about him that made you feel so safe. 
“Tell me about your day.” He smiled at you. 
“I-I didn’t do much actually. I just spent it watching a movie in my room before this.”
“Yeah? Which one?” 
“Ice age.”
Jensen laughed at that. “You always loved that one. You used to recite the dialogues by heart as a kid.” 
“Hey, it’s a really awesome movie.” You smiled a little.
“I agree.” He was rubbing your arm, trying to warm you up a little. He felt you relaxing as you talked more about the movie and while you were distracted, he motioned for the nurse to hold you once more. 
He watched your eyes widen when you realised what was happening. “Hey c’mon. Tell me more, don’t stop.” 
“Daddy-”
“I really like the tiger. He’s hilarious.” 
“Y-yeah. He’s like you when you’re grumpy.” You said smiling very little.
“Hey now. I always earn my grumpiness.” He said smirking at you. 
And as soon as you relaxed some more, Jensen popped the bone back into place making you gasp out in pain and gripping his scrubs tightly.
“Shh, it’s over. It’s over. That wasn’t so bad.” He kissed your forehead and wiped away the tears streaming down your cheeks. 
“It was horrible! You didn’t warn me!” You snapped at him, still reeling from the pain. 
He put your arm and shoulder in a tight sling and then hugged you tightly to him, placing kisses on your head and summering apologies for not warning you.
“I don’t like you right now.” You mumbled into his chest. 
“Aw, man I’ll have to make up for this then” He said pulling back and booping your nose like he always did when you were a child. “Now lie back. Let’s take a look at your bruise.”
You did as he asked and lifted up your top. Jensen pulled back the bandaid stopping the blood to take a look at the gash. He noticed the small bruises around the wound going up to your ribs and he sucked in a breath. He pressed around the area to see how bad the damage was, making you flinch. 
“Luckily you don’t need stitches. And no ribs broken.” He mumbled mostly to himself.
You felt him, clean the cut once more before dressing it with a fresh bandaid. You noticed the frown on his face and your heart hurt for worrying your dad like that. 
“I’m sorry.” You whispered. 
Jensen’s eyes snapped back to yours immediately, “What for?”
“I got hurt and worried you.” You said. “You told me not to cycle during peak hours and I still went.”
“We’ll talk about it later.” He gave you a tight smile. You knew he was still upset with you for not listening to him and you felt really guilty. You were his only child and you were all he had after your mum died and it made him over protective of you sometimes.
Meanwhile, the nurse came over to you with a shot. The second you noticed it your eyes went wide. 
“Daddy, no please.” You whimpered. You hated needles. You were so terrified of them and the very thought of something sharp sticking into your body filled you with so much anxiety. 
“Sweetheart, this will prevent infections.”
“Please no I’ll take my chances. Get that thing away from me!” You were doing your best to not cry again. You already shed tears over your shoulder and you didn’t want to cry again over a stupid needle. 
“Y/N, I know you hate them, but it’ll be over before you know it.” He tried to sooth you.
“NO!” You yelled, trying to get up. But in a hurry you moved your injured shoulder making you cry out in pain. 
“Okay, okay. No shots. Just take a breath baby.” Jensen was doing everything to keep you still and not aggravate your shoulder further. He could see you were going into a panic attack and he was freaking out internally. There were only a few times he had seen you get this way and it had killed him. 
He coached you through the breathing and you had calmed down a little. The nurse had moved away to give you two some space which you were grateful for. Once you’d calmed down Jensen asked the nurse to place the shot on the table.
“I’ll take it from here. Thank you.” He smiled at her before she left. 
“Please daddy.” Your lips were trembling and the sight of you broke his heart. You looked like a little kid all over again and it reminded him of the first time you had to get a shot for getting hurt. You had created a big fuss and he had to carry you and walk around the hospital till you calmed down. 
“Be a good girl for me, baby? I promise this is the last one. After I’ll give some more painkillers, the sleepy kind so you can take a nap in my office till I’m done. Does that sound good, baby?” He said wiping away a tear. 
You shook your head no making him chuckle. But he knew he had your attention so he went ahead and cleaned your arm with a cotton ball and then reached for the shot. Your hands were shaking at this point and you wanted to run away so bad. Jensen rubbed circled on your arm, trying to show you that he was right there and he’s be as gentle as possible. 
You closed your eyes tight as he brought the needle close to your skin. “You’re so brave baby girl. I’m so proud of you.” He whispered as he gently sunk the needle in. 
“I hate this. I hate this so much.” You kept repeating it with your eyes still closed. 
“There all done. It’s all over.” He smiled at you, rubbing the area with cotton once more. He got up and kissed your forehead once more before disposing the injection. He then brought over the painkillers for you to swallow. 
“Let’s go to my office. Do you want me to get you a wheelchair?” 
“No, I can walk.” You mumbled trying to sit up.
Jensen came over and helped you up and gently led you to his office where you promptly got comfortable on his sofa till it was time to go home. 
_______________
The two of you made it home after a few hours and you went straight to bed. But some time later you made your way back to the kitchen to get a midnight snack. Your shoulder was hurting and the bruises were painful too and you couldn’t sleep. 
You reached into the cupboard for some cereal and placed it on the counter. Everything was hard to do with one hand and adding the lack of sleep, you were frustrated beyond belief. You brought over a bowl and tried to open the packet inside the box with one hand. You yanked the thing really hard using your mouth for leverage and the damn thing split open, spilling the contents everywhere. 
“Dammit!” You cursed. 
You heard footsteps coming into the kitchen and you turned around to find you dad standing there looking amused. 
“Fancy seeing you here. Need help?” He asked coming over to you. 
You sighed at him. “I can’t do anything.” 
“It’s only for a few weeks. You’ll get better.” He said pouring the cereal into a bowl and taking some for himself. 
There was silence between the two of you while you ate. 
“Couldn’t sleep?” Jensen broke the silence. 
You shook your head, a frown still marred your face. 
“Same. Night shifts really mess with my sleep schedule.” He tried making conversation. 
There was silence again before you broke it. 
“Are you still mad at me?” You whispered looking into your now empty bowl. 
Jensen stopped the spoon midway, looking at you, and then placed it back in the bowl before talking. 
“No, honey. I was upset back in the hospital but not anymore. You just really scared me. You’re all I have left, Y/N. You’re my heart. If anything happened to you I don’t know what I would do. It’s why I expect you to listen to me. And as a dad it feels so unfair that the other guy didn’t get hurt while my baby did.”
“I’m sorry, daddy.” You said.
“It’s quite alright, baby. I’m just glad it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.” 
“Yeah…” 
“How bout we watch something on the telly for a while since we both can’t sleep?” 
“Yeah. Sounds good.” You smiled at him. 
He took your empty bowls to the sink as you went to the couch in the living room. He placed a lot of pillows against the arm rest and helped you settle into them comfortably so your shoulder wouldn’t hurt. He then got comfortable next to you, placing your legs over his leg. He turned on the telly and flipped to some random channel. Few mins into the show, you were fast asleep feeling much better with your dad next to you. 
❅ ❅ ❅
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@hobby27 @akshi8278 @castiellss @miss-nerd95
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strangerays · 3 years
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Nothing in Particular Update #2
It’s the Nothing and Particular and Everything update part two: the electric booglaloo. This one is long, so strap in.
It’s been a while since I wrote an update for this story. To be honest, this one gave me a lot of stress, but here I am! Writing this story feels like it is going very slow. I keep telling myself I’ve made a lot of progress (which is true, I have) but for some reason it doesn’t feel like I have? This is likely just my own insecurity. To be frank, I can’t believe I’m still writing this story. If you had told me in February that I’d still be writing this when the weather got warm, I would have laughed.
I am SO excited that I will finally be able to focus on writing now that I’m out of school. I’m afraid to speak the rough deadline that I’ve given myself for this story (the end of August-early September) but now that I’ve spoken it into existence, I hope I can finish! (I hope I can stop watching dumb videogame playthroughs and listening to The Magnus Archives and get something done)
Here is a link to the story introduction and previous update!
TAGLIST (ask to be +/-); @wannabeauthorzofija @a-completely-normal-writer @baguettethebooklover​ @corkytheguar @writeherewaiting
STORY CHANGES/THOUGHTS/IDEAS: 
Here is a big one: I’ve been trying to write this story for myself. I started writing Ray’s story from a place that was personal to me, but I feel like, as that part of myself has begun to heal, I’ve started to think about what a reader would want out of the story. I’m realizing that this is my story so it has to be what I want. Drafts are drafts for a reason, so I’m going to try to get better at letting myself explore what is fun to me.
I always thought I was a discovery writer (I still sort of think I am) but as I’ve finished small sections of the story, I am finding that it’s very helpful to do a rough outline of scenes in upcoming chapters. (I also recommend turning to this if something doesn’t work and you need to retrace your steps!) Just helps me feel more organized!
Jude’s character has got to be one of the most difficult personalities I’ve ever written. Putting her beside Ray just makes it harder. Where Ray is secretive and keeps to herself, Jude is ready to unpack her entire life’s story to anyone. I find that I really have to slow down when writing their interactions. I know this is going to be nowhere near perfect in the first draft, but I think it is a main contributor to my slow writing.
I really like this little narrative I’ve created in the background of the main plot with Ray and Lonan. I love writing these scenes because it’s a way for me to use Lonan when he’s not actively with Ray and to show why Ray is predetermined about things at certain points. Also I love their friendship so much <3
CONGRATULATIONS TO ME on starting to read again because I forgot how much of a help reading other people’s stories can be when you’re struggling with your own oml
I now have a set timeline for the story! Takes place ~4-5 months.
I did that thing where you write a letter from the characters’ perspectives and that was kind of fun
Also just for fun I thought I’d add in that I spent an hour and a half last week filling up a page in my sketchbook with diagrams of the plot. It feels good to be a mad scientist
EXCERPTS UNDER THE CUT!
*At this point, I’m only sharing writing that I am really proud of in order not to spoil the story! This is because I am unsure whether I want to publish this story someday. With that said, that does NOT give you permission to steal my ideas!
CHAPTER: NIGHT CRIES
#1
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In the last week of summer, I did everything I could to avoid post-vacation blues. I rode my bike along the gravel roads with no destination, wore my dark sunglasses to people-watch, and fed salami to the minnows that floated on the cusps of boulders. Usually, I sat still for so long that my elbows turned a deep shade of red and the blood in my toes buzzed.
New pockets seemed to open up in Point Blink every day. And with them, came new people. Most of them were older – a middle aged woman who caked her lipstick on, an uncle estranged from his brother, a couple who had miscarried. I hadn’t forgotten about the kids at Mothouse. It was impossible not to think about them. It wasn’t just that I’d never seen them before.
#2
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The girl’s limp cigarette bled a trail of smoke that seeped into my Vans. My shirt folded like skin over my bed post. Haunted the room – foiled my mauve sheets and teased my locks. Swept the curtains apart and heated the oak floor. Beams of moonlight leapt to my bookcases; highlighted the posters from various podcasts and bands that I listened to. Wind whistled when I was too still. She forced me to look outside, onto the dark cul-de-sac lit by the reflections of forming rain puddles. No matter whether I sat at my desk or burrowed under my sheets, I felt out of place. She made my bedroom louder. She made my bedroom quieter.
I decided it would probably be best if I never saw her again.
To be honest, I don’t remember much about writing this chapter because it was over a month ago (sorry) but I’m still quite happy with the prose! This comes in after Ray sees Jude for the first time at Mothouse. Based on a first impression, decides that she might want be friends with Jude.
CHAPTER: SORRY
#1 
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If you spend any long amount of time with someone, you’ll become a thief to their behaviors. If I stared long enough, trees began to replace all of the people we’d ever seen. Oaks had roots that serpentined the ground like children splashing in the bay, pines with needles like spindly old hands, maples with hollows like watchful eyes – all things Lonan had taught me to observe.
CHAPTER: GHOSTS
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Then there was the sea – violent and knowing as it romped within bays and alcoves. She had eaten me many times before, both my father and Lonan too. Gulped them as if they were shining plastic wrappings left behind after a meal. I spited her for inviting me once again. I reached up again to grapple with the next rung. It twisted and offered a low whistle.
In these two chapters, Ray is on a photography trip with her class. This is the first time she’s been on this annual trip without Lonan. She left that morning with a goal of being independent and learning to get on with one of the only people she has felt close to. I realize now that the Ghost excerpt sort of sounds like her dad and Lonan have drowned?? Which was not my intention??
CHAPTER: A DIVINE INTERVENTION
#1
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“Do you believe in ghosts?” A raspy voice teased from behind me. Cigarette smoke tickled the words, like they were stuck together with jelly inside of her. The question wasn’t particularly calming, but it strengthened my grip on reality. As if the foiled leaves, bark, and dandelions had sprung from the ground and begun to float, they came crashing back down.
I was made of stone.
“I’m not a ghost,” Jude said. “If I was, a ladder would be a pretty counteractive way to outrun me. I could just float up there and haunt you.”
“Maybe you’re a ghost,” she asked, her voice distant.
I shifted my grasp up and down the sides of the ladder. “What?”
“Don’t you believe in ghosts?”
I was reading back some of Ray and Jude’s conversation and there are so many snippets of dialogue that make me laugh because I totally forgot I wrote them... but UGhhH I don’t know if I want to share them because I don’t know whether or not I want to try and publish the story someday. Speaking of that, it’s sort of because it’s so personal to me? I don’t know (this is for future me to pursue) Honestly though, reading these back has made me really happy :)
#2
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I wanted to shake her by the shoulders. She acted as though Point Blink could breathe – as though corpses in the cemetery might pull the grass away like dead skin, neighbors would draw blades, and blood-salt would stain her clothes rather than that from the sea. “Trust me, they’ll forgive you. But, I’m just saying, most people around here don’t care nearly as much as you think so. Most of them are way older anyways, so they’re tired of us.”
“Is that you complimenting yourself?” Jude asked.
“Not intentionally,” I said, “but I will take it.”
She laughed. “You shouldn’t be so nice to strangers.”
I wasn’t trying to be. I just didn’t think I wanted her to dislike me.
#3
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“I don’t think it’s a bad thing or a good thing,” Jude said. “Being good gets you tucked into a thousand different memories. Being good makes you live a lifetime.”
I almost laughed, but then I wondered what I was to her now. “I don’t talk to lots of people.”
“Sometimes there aren’t many people to talk to. But I thought you would have loads of friends.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. “I thought you would too.”
Alarm like grief lit her eyes, but she laughed. I did too.
“You hardly know me,” she said quietly.
Then the girls explore some old newspapers and letters in a fire tower! Spooky fun!
CHAPTER: YOU LET THIS HAPPEN
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This isn’t a major spoiler as it’s literally in the blurb I wrote, but Ray and Jude are caught (targeted..??)  in a fire. Ray is brought back to a field where she is questioned.
CHAPTER: NOTHING HAPPENS
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He was quiet for several moments while he painted a picture with what little details I had given him, then said, “It’s unfair. I think that’s why it hurts.”
“Because we almost got hurt?”
“No. Because it came true.”
His gentle, ragged voice made me think I could tell him anything. Sometimes, I think that, even then, he knew I left something out.
Ray talks to Lonan after the fire... She’s being a bit dishonest about what actually happened.
CHAPTER: WHY NOT
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I remember how the barest amount of red light glared across Lonan’s entire scalp and washed his boyish curls magenta from the roots out. When Jude leaned back on the counter, she melded into the darkness.
This chapter is just part of the narrative that I created with Ray and Lonan’s friendship. There isn’t much I want to spoil from it, but I liked this paragraph!
CHAPTER: INEVITABLE
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“We didn’t do anything,” I said.        
“Someone did. Why won’t you believe me?”
 “I think I would remember whether or not someone was there with us,” I said, “even if we didn’t have the picture.”
This was untrue. I hung lots of photos in my room. A long time would pass before I went to a restaurant again, or a specific coven on one of the beaches, or an outfit that I wore, and I would look into one of my pictures and remember it, and then I would be quite angry with myself that I had almost forgotten that thing forever.
“I don’t think you understand what I mean,” Jude said. I didn’t like the way she’d lowered her voice. She sounded different every time I saw her. She reached out her arm so our photos were side by side and our fingers were almost touching. “I don’t think you want to.”
Ray finds herself alone in the school’s dark room with Jude. Based on the contents of one of her photos, she tries to convince Ray that there is more to the fire than what meets the eye.
CHAPTER: (this one is untitled)
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I didn’t mind that he followed me everywhere. Even when he was quiet, I didn’t find it strange to be around him. We sat silently through films and went on walks. Once, he had fallen asleep while watching The Iron Giant in my bed. I didn’t know if I should wake him up once it ended. I tried not to stare at him. He’d rolled onto his side and bundled himself in one of my blankets covered in stars up to his shoulders so only his small face poked out like a baby owl’s. His soft breath messed his dirty gold coils. They were at their longest. Except for the ebbing light from a candle on my desk, my house was asleep – Lonan needed to go home.
For the first time, I wondered if anyone cared where he was.
Another small part of the little friendship narrative! (This really is the part of the story where I get nostalgic for my childhood, isn’t it) Ray starts to discover more about Lonan’s home life in this part of the story, but there’s not much that I think I want to reveal about that for now.
CHAPTER: THE CRUX OF IT
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Why did I feel so paranoid? I found myself staring out the window, into the film of blue that the late sun shown onto the grass and trying to remember what summer felt like.
My main problem was that I didn’t know how to talk to Jude unless it was about Sugarfell. I ran from the hush of cigarette smoke behind closing doors and heard her loud voice in conversations. Even though there might have still been a part of me that wanted to be friends with her, I didn’t have much to base that feeling off of. I could have spent hours clicking the little pieces of her that I had together, but the crux of it was that I would never know Jude unless I forced myself to.
For some reason, that really scared me.
I spent all week trying to think of what to say to her. By Friday afternoon, I still had nothing.
I left off writing with Ray actively avoiding Jude’s little investigation into the arsonist. Ray doesn’t want to be involved in this because she feels that it will throw her sense of normalcy off course. She really just wants to learn how to adapt to a life without her best friend. (It doesn’t help that she’s got fresh trauma)
What will Ray decide? I don’t know. We shall see. (just kidding I know)
Sorry this update was longer! I think I would like to start updating more often than once a month just because they would be shorter and those of you reading this won’t forget what happened in the last update. There are thousands and thousands of words that didn’t show up in this update because - like I said - I don’t know whether I want to publish this story ever?? I’ll probably talk more about this in a separate update.
Thank you so much to those of you who read about my story! I hope you enjoy it!
:)
p.s. btw I now have a myWriteClub account! You can check it out here and stalk me as I tragically fail my writing goals!
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fanfiction-funtime · 3 years
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Spritefather and Selene Interaction
A fan drabble for @clouds-rambles, I hope I characterized Selene right
Without much prompting it's a tad hard to write like this, but I hope it works.
Also I hope you don't mind me mentioning Cael amnesia anon.
(Selene was hanging out with Cael when Venti makes trouble, bringing the night to a close)
(Selene pov)
Yet again, I had to drag Cael's boyfriend out of the bar. This time because he thought someone was insulting his father and punched them, but he was just talking about some mythological person called 'Spritefather'.
I haven't thought about that story in a long time, not since I was a kid. Something about him being able to "use all elements" or something and how he "taught Barbados about freedom", maybe I'll ask Lisa about it.
"Excuse me madam, my father needs to speak to that man you're carrying. Please, hand him to me." I heard a voice from behind me say, the accent was a thick Schneznayan one.
I turned around to meet the person, a woman in an outfit that wouldn't look out of place in a family portrait of old Schneznayan nobility, they also held a vision.
A cryo vision.
I three Venti into a hay pile and summoned my spear, "your a pretty bad liar, LA SIGNORA!"
"No wait! You've got it all w-" I jabbed at her with my spear, using conduct to increase it's power, "I said wait!-"
"I don't bargain with people who hurt my friends!" Hehe, that was a cool line, nice one Selene.
"W-WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT I WOULD HURT MY OWN BROTHER!" The woman gasped and pointed behind me.
I looked back and saw an abyss mage sneaking away with Venti.
"HEY! THAT'S MY BROTHER/BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND!"
The mage noticed and bolted away. We chased it all the way to star conch cliff, where it threw Venti over the edge.
"Haha! Do your worst human! I have already completed my mission! Now without your precious archon, mondstadt will-!"
A tornado of water sprouted up from the sea, then froze in place. From the newly formed spiral of ice rose a cloaked man, and around him were 6 wisps of every element but cryo.
The mage turned around, and were it not for the dendro tendril crushing it's windpipe they would have screamed in horror.
"First you threaten to kill my son," the cloaked man stepped off the spire, the air polarizing itself with electro to form a step, "then you kidnap him while my daughter is trying to retrieve him," another step, this time the air simply pushes him up to form a step, "and now you have followed through on that threat. It tried to," the man took one last, powerful step, to which a geo platform met his feet and lifted him to the hanging abyss mage, "how truly foolish must you be."
He man then lit the tendril on fire, burning the mage like a furby in a campfire.
The man lowered himself down, Venti in his arms, and said, "I'm sorry Barbados, I should have gone to get you myself. Viktoria, what happened?"
Then he noticed me.
"EEEEP!" He shouted as he dropped Venti with a thud.
_____________________
(3rd person limited, Spritefather pov)
'Oh celestia, a person! No no, keep it together. You love interacting with humans in a controlled manner. This is just as controlled, just...a suprise.' Spritefather thought.
"By Barbados' hairy nostrils! You're the Spritefather!" The human Selene shouted.
Spritefather straightened himself out and cleared his throat, "y-yes, I am. But I am not 'the' Spritefather, I'm just Spritefather. Saying 'the Spritefather' is like calling you 'the Selene'. But now isn't the time for such trivial bickerings," Spritefather gave a gentlemanly bow, "thank you for attempting to rescue my eldest child, and for taking him home everytime he indulges a bit to much on vices."
Viktoria facepalmed, "dad! They aren't supposed to know that!"
"Well why not? They're friends with him, and best friends with his boyfriend. Which by the way I STILL need to meet-" he noticed Selene was seeming kind if pale, "you ok?"
*thud*
"Oh dear."
_____________________
(3rd person omniscient pov)
(There's no good point to explain this, but they're in a serenitea pot)
Selene woke up in a very confused state, and on a cloaked woman's lap.
"Please do not be alarmed, neither me nor my daughter did anything to you." The woman said.
Selene, in response, punched the woman and scrambled away, "who the abyss are you!?"
"Well I'm not particularly loved by celestia but I'd hardly say I'm abyssal.."
"Father, people here are not as accustomed to the divine as Liyue or Inazuma." The woman from before, who Selene thought was La Signora, said as she approached them with some tea.
"Wait, fa-no, no. Don't do that Selene, it's rude."
The cloaked woman shook her hands to dismiss Selene's concern, "it's fine, however I thank you for your accepting nature. Though it is to be excepted given your personal identity."
"How do you know me?"
"Heh, have you forgotten already? Though I suppose the change in form is not common among you humans. And nonexistent in the way me and the wisps can do."
The woman got up and started twirling, then surrounded themself in elemental power, and when it cleared stood the cloaked man Selene saw in her dream...
*wait*
"That wasn't a dream...holy shit that wasn't a dream! You're the Spritefather-I mean-you're Spritefather! Your real!"
"Indeed I am. I would think everyone in mondstadt believes I'm real, but atleast that leaves less for that misconception."
"What misconception?"
"Ask Barbados, shouldn't be too hard since you two are close."
"Barba-wait Venti is actually Barbados!?
"Oh dear I'm making this worse."
The still unnamed woman sighed and shook her head, "how about we focus on why my dad decided to be a woman? Surely that would be a far more easy thing to understand."
"It's because she likes women, and I don't blame her. World cold and hard, titty warm and soft."
"Dad who taught you that!?"
"You do realize I can hear the lives of all in my home yes?"
"I guess I'm at fault." Selene laughed.
"I will have my revenge upon you for this." The woman responded.
Spritefather chuckled, "oh? And how about you get your revenge over a date. Anastasia."
"F-FATHER!"
"What? She's single, friends to someone who can teach her proper tea ceremonies, and uh....they have....hmmm..." Spritefather was trying to think if what he could say to convince his daughter, "look I just want to see grand kids!"
"FATHER"
"K-KIDS!?"
"Look I'm pushing fifty million! If one of you doesn't get me kids in the next ten million years I'm going to grow grey hair!"
Anastasia starts forming an ice throwing knife, "REBEL'S-"
"Papa, what happen?" Came a childish voice.
Selene gasped, they were looking at probably the cutest thing EVER!
"Oh my ARCHONS! IS THAT A PYROSPRITE!?"
"Yes that's my child Flameo-"
Selene, already having picked up the the baby, "they're so CUTE!"
They hugged the little flame close to their face and nuzzled them, to which Flameo quickly responded to with their own.
"Smell like..." they thought for a moment, "big Bro Bardos!" They flew around Selene excitedly, "friend!"
Spritefather sighed, "Oh dear, now the rest will be coming out. And I just got them to sleep aswell."
It wasn't long before Selene was surrounded by six Sprites.
The Electrosprite landed on her vision and started vibrating happily.
The Geosprite asked, "are you strong!? I think I could be you!"
"Oh I'm sure you could." Selene said to appease the little Sprite as she chuckled chuckled.
The Anemosprite and Pyrosprite flew around her head like children.
The Hydrosprite was inspecting her clothes, "how utterly bourgeois, has my Brother and father been teaching you how to dress? Honestly, the people of mondstadt should learn from the reconnaissance captain of the knights. Now there's a woman who knows how to dress."
"Oh you mean Eula?"
"You know her?"
"Oh yeah, she's invites me to tea every now and then."
"SHE...invites....YOU...out for TEA!?-"
Anastasia puts her hand over the Hydrosprite and tries to hold her back
"Sorry about that," the woman replied, "kids and their crushes."
(Agua, muffled: I'M SIXTEENTH HUNDRED YEARS OLD!)
"Ha-haaa...."
Selene couldn't respond to that as they felt a prick in her spine, causing them to yelp.
A Dendrodsprite slinkied up her back and put it's head on her shoulder, "just sampling...never seen blood like yours...so intertwined with the...divine....yet so distan-"
Spritefather picked up his child, "please forgive Leafy, they're in their...adventurous stage. And their adventure is to learn things. Often things that involve pins and needles."
This was going to be a looong night
_____________________
The next day, Vanessa's tree
Selene yawns and falls on the statue, Venti doing the same. The difference between them is one is hungover and waiting for his boyfriend to take him home after the fifth assassination attempt this week, the other has to deal with the consequences of being loved by children and being there to try and stop the most recent assassination
"Holy shit....this hang over....I thought Decrabain's hailstorms were bad..."
"You shouldn't try watching after Leafy.....but I think half the pains are from Agua's jealousy bites......"
"You think that's bad?.....you should have seen them when they realized Cael and I....were dating....."
"...archons I hope I was never like that as a kid...."
"Oh cherry up you two!" Spritefather said, a bit too loud for the two, "it's a new day and-"
Venti hit his father with a clump of grass using anemo
"YOUNG MAN!-
"Ohheythere'sCaelgottagobye!" The archon said as he ran off.
Spritefather sighed, "he's always like that, running from responsibilities. But he always means up when it counts, so I can only say I'm proud of the man he's become," he thought for a moment, "except for when he turns into a woman for whatever reason, then I'm proud of the woman she's become...you know, after being around single form life for so long stuff like that feels so strange. I mean you humans are born with one form and cant naturally change it. But if you feel it's wrong you'll go through so much trouble just to get close to what us shape changers can get. While to humans it is inspiring purely because of the person's determination to take the form they so deserve, that they were truly meant to have. But for me it's so much more! The human spirit and will is oh so inspiring, but the amount humans go through! So much money, so much time, and in many places simply enduring life! Why even I couldn't get the...uh...transphobia is it?...out of Inazuma!Terribly sorry human language changes so much. Oh and on language! To think that I was there when the first cave man was trying to mimic the grunts of the gods, only to make something so much superior to them to the point that the gods copied THEM! And speaking of copies have you ever heard of the time Dainsleif-" he paused as he saw Selene's bored face, "sorry. One little thing and I start ranting and rave...no, it's info dumping. And I should thank you humans for making that term, and all the other wonder words you've made, and the medical advances. They've helped me understand myself....ah but look at me, rambling on again. You know what? For entertaining my kids the whole night, and listening to an old man's ramblings, I'll give you a boon. Anything you want, if I can get it you shall have it."
Selene thought for a moment. She thought about asking him to bring back her father, but they knew he couldn't raise the dead. She even thought...of her mother, to see her again, but they knew that it wouldn't help. A selfish part of her even wanted someway to reignite her's and Rosaria's relationship, after all that part of her life was, but she knew it would be wrong and that they both agree they just didn't work.
Perhaps just ask for mora? She did need some for a good night's rest, but that felt wasteful. What was one night's rest for what could be a lifetime of amazing power. But maybe it would be wrong to ask for something like power. Ah! She's got it!
"How about a spear? A really powerful one that compliments my powers perfectly! Oh! And make it look really cool!"
Spritefather blinked, then laughed, "well, that's rather simple isn't it? So amazing you humans. You expect them to make something big and/or selfish, like taking control of a country, or killing someone. Yet never once has one of my boons been used for anything bad. Even when they're selfish. Like one time I met a very selfish person who I granted a boon, and all he did with it was ask me to make sure the kids of Inazuma were never hungry. Ah, now that. That was ranting, sorry." Spritefather walked over to the statue's base and knocked three times, "hello Vanessa. It's been a while since I last called you, but I was hoping you could give me a hand? And perhaps a very sturdy branch off your tree?"
"Uhhh-"
A light shown down from the heavens and the ground shook, causing a skeletal hand to rise from the depths.
Selene would have screeched if she weren't so tired, "I'd prefer my weapon to be less...body part-sy."
"Nonsense! Everyone knows that bones make the best weapons! You know why it's called a prototype rancor?! BECAUSE NOONE WANTS TO ACCEPT THAT THE PERFECTED VERSION I, THE INVENTOR, MADE INCLUDES THE SHINBONES OF MITSCHURLS! YOU EVER SEEN A-*ahem*-sorry, rambling."
As he was ranting, a branch handed Spritefather a sturdy branch from the tree.
"Perfect, now a bit of magic and-" the two items blew up in Spritefather's face before reforming into a purple and black spear that ended in a feathery sleeve like pattern that was attached to a sharp blade that looked very much like a hand made into a spear blade. Mainly because it was.
A brilliant light shone down on the Spritefather as he floated up and presented the spear to Selene(mumbled: thanks Venessa)
"SELENE OF MONDSTADT!"
His voice became that of s god's, filled with power and compassion, booming across windrise.
"YOU HAVE SPOKEN YOUR WISH, AND BY MY HONOR AS THE ENTERNAL FATHER, I AM DUTY BOUND TO GRANT IT!"
He leans imup to Selene and whispered to her, "do you like the eternal father moniker? I thought it up myself."
"Oh yeah, 10/10, really keeping with the Inazuman background."
"Thanks."
"TAKE YOUR GRAND BLADE, AND GO FORTH TO CARVE THROWS DESTINY AND TILL YOUR OWN FUTURE!"
Selene took the spear, "uh...thanks?"
"Oh your very welcome. By the way how was that delivery? I've been working on the whole 'I am a powerful being' delivery for a few centuries."
"A bit hard to understand, but overall gets the vibe across. Maybe 8/10? Low seven probably."
"Yeah, I kind of expected that. Wonder how else I could get that effect, you know without the whole can't understand thing."
"Well, I've got teo other immortals to meet. Ones I need to question."
"Ah yes, I'm sure Cael and Barbados have much to answer for to you."
"Yes they do. I don't suppose 'see you around' would be appropriate here?"
"On a sense? It's appropriate. After all I'm your friend now aswell, and I prefer a life without isolation. So...see you round?"
"Sure, see you around."
_____________________
Admittedly didn't know how to end this. I like it but I'm a tad worried I made it to focused on my character and didn't give Selene enough attention.
Regardless I hope you enjoyed it cloud! I really tried to get Selene right. And sorry it took so long, sleep kept getting messed up, and then covid shot+forgetting to hydrate kicked my ass.
(Tagging: @storytravelled, @golden-wingseos, and @clouds-rambles)
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alwaysmychoices · 4 years
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So, I wrote a HC that was pretty angsty and messy about what would have happened if Ethan and MC started dating after Miami. I still think that would have happened, but I started wondering, “what would I have written if I was writing a cute HC about that?” Next thing I knew, it was 2 am and I was writing this on my phone from my bed. 
So, here are all the cuter details about what I think would have happened if they started dating in Book 1.
Ethan & MC Dating after Miami - Cute Moments HC  💖
When Ethan and MC started a relationship in Miami, neither of them had any idea how hard those first six months would be. Between the fights and miscommunications, they were just trying to get to know each other while their personal lives went to hell.
There were breakups, makeups, passive aggressions, avoidance, and even a few rounds of silent treatments.
But there was a reason they always came back. Because, late at night, when they mulled over their loss, it wasn’t the bad things that they thought of - it was the good, the pure, and the four letter word on the tip of their tongue that brought them back to each other’s doorstep time and time again.
Because, when they were good, they were amazing.
Ethan loved to send MC flowers.
Before MC, he had never been the kind of man who sent flowers. They were messy, impermanent, and hard to enjoy when you spent all your time at work.
But one time, MC said she mentioned that she liked buying flowers because they allowed her to enjoy a piece of nature, even when she spent her whole day inside the hospital.
The first time he sent them, Ethan had made a real ass out of himself. He said something stupid at dinner, which lead to a fight. He had already worked it out with MC, and though she assured him it was alright, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to do something to prove that he wasn’t such a jerk. On impulse, he ordered 2 dozen roses to be sent to her apartment.
When she got home to her roommates crowding around the prettiest rose bouquet she had ever seen, it didn’t even cross her mind that it could be for her - not until Elijah supplied the card addressed to her from a secret admirer.
Once she was alone, MC called Ethan to make sure it was really him. She couldn’t imagine him willingly ordering such a romantic gift, but she also couldn’t picture someone else giving it to her.
When she asked him if he bought the flowers, he tensed, afraid he’d accidentally risked their secrecy by sending it to her home, but he anxiously admitted that he did and asked if she liked them.
And when she said she loved them... he felt a feeling so unfamiliar he couldn’t classify it. He was so proud to be the one who sent them and so happy that he found a way to make her smile when he so often felt like he was always messing up with her. Right then, he knew this wouldn’t be the last time he sent her flowers.
And it wasn’t. He regularly sent her bouquets and only let up a little when her roommates became suspicious. Once, when MC was alone in his apartment dog sitting Jenner, he had a massive flower arrangement delivered to her with just the message “I miss you.”
To accommodate their busy schedules, date night usually meant going back to Ethan’s apartment with takeout, but after one too many nights of Thai delivery, Ethan decided to teach MC how to cook.
He was startled to realize she had absolutely no idea how to cook. How had she gotten this far into adulthood without this basic skill? Every week, he had a new recipe for them to try, and he would walk her through all the steps.
When Ethan concentrated on cooking, he got these little lines between his eyebrows. MC thought they were cute. Sometimes, she would smooth them out with her thumb to remind him to relax. Other times, she would kiss them. When she did that, he always became distracted. Once, he almost cut his hand because he was so wrapped up in her.
Ethan pretended to find this annoying, but whenever she did it, he showed a small smile that gave him away.
Their fights were usually brutal. They were both so smart and so stubborn that the fights became unwinnable.
And probably because of that, their debates were practically a force of nature.
More than once, they spent a whole Saturday afternoon half naked in Ethan’s apartment and debating the finer points of medical ethics or treatments for patients. They usually could reach an agreement, except when they debated pineapple on pizza.
They pushed each other.
They made each other better doctors for having worked together and better people for having known each other.
Perhaps more importantly, they cared about each other. Even when they were locked in a disagreement or feigning disinterest, they cared. If the other needed them, they were there.
They needed each other more than they would admit. Very quickly, MC became Ethan's rock as they treated Naveen. She was the only one who could understand what he was going through.
MC was nervous to tell Ethan about being sabotaged at work. She didn't want him to think of her as the kind of person who blamed someone else for her mistakes, but when Landry was exposed as a traitor, she was devastated and just wanted Ethan to comfort her.
When he found out all that Landry did, Ethan was furious. Beyond hurting his girlfriend, he had endangered dozens of patients and the stability of the whole hospital.
But he was also hurt that MC hadn't told him.
Ethan realized that he wanted to be the person she shared her problems with. He wanted to be her person, just like she was his.
MC was surprised that, when it came to someone insulting or hurting her, Ethan was always on her side - even when she was equally as guilty. Once, MC complained that an attending made a sexist, offhand comment during rounds. Ethan never liked that attending again. When someone hit on MC and made her uncomfortable when they were at a bar together, Ethan told him off and forced him to leave.
Ethan was equally surprised by how jealous MC could get. He rarely noticed when women flirted with him, so it took him a few months to detect MC's jealousy. The first time he saw it, they were having a drink at a bar. A woman was very shamelessly coming onto him, though she didn't get much of Ethan's attention, but MC looked furious. Every time the woman came over to talk to them, MC moved just a little bit closer until she was almost in his lap.
When he took MC home, he commented on it, assuring her that he was only there for her, but MC grumbled that it happened all the time and that he didn't notice.
So, he started paying attention, and wow, it happened way more often than he thought. Even patients flirted with him, earning a glare from MC.
Once, when Ethan and MC were in the middle of a really big fight, Ethan caught MC staring at him at Donahue’s. To get a rise out of her, Ethan started flirting with the woman sitting a few seats down at the bar. MC was outraged. Thirty minutes later, when he got up to leave, MC followed him out, and they yelled at each other in the ally. And then they made out in the ally and had sex in the back of his car.
The next morning, they acted like nothing happened at work.
In fact, that was usually how they acted at work.
But at the beginning of their relationship, there were plenty of cute moments to be had at Edenbrook.
Like when their hands would accidentally brush when looking over a chart. Or when Ethan's breath hit her neck when he looked over her shoulder to see if she was doing something right. Or secret meetings in his office under the guise of needing to talk about a patient.
But MC thought the sweetest moments where the ones when he would see her coming down the hall, and just for a second, his face soften and warm to her. Almost immediately after, his face would harden again as he got back to work. But in that short little moment, MC knew she made him happy.
Keeping the secret was so hard, especially when MC was always under the watchful eyes of her roommates and friends. 
They were all convinced she was in love with someone and joked that she had a secret boyfriend. MC laughed along, but they never actually thought it was Dr. Ramsey.
To make it a little less obvious, she always joined in when they complained about him. 
Ethan noticed and rolled his eyes, but he didn’t stop her. 
The only person who noticed in Ethan’s life was Naveen, but Ethan skillfully dodged the question whenever he could.
However, they had almost been caught so many times, in and out of the hospital. Even at the farmer’s market, they weren’t safe from a coworker finding them and innocently approaching. 
MC always looked around before she kissed him, and Ethan had to be at least 5 miles from the hospital to show any display of affection, not that he particularly liked public displays of affection in the first place.
MC knew that she loved Ethan before she even really knew him, which was terrifying. She worried that, one day, she would learn some horrible fact or realize some unforgiveable trait. Ethan, on the other hand, never imagined that MC would become ruined in his eyes. He didn't think she could. No, he worried that he would be the one to make the mistake.
Both them harbored a lot of insecurities in their relationship - insecurities that held them back.
When they shed them, even just for the night, it was incredible.
Some of the best nights were spent wine-drunk, oversharing hundreds of little details that shaped who they were. MC liked hearing about Ethan's childhood, and she frequently needled him about his mysterious past relationship with Harper. Ethan wanted to know everything about her adult life before him, even when it included ex-boyfriends he instinctively hated.
When their relationship settled into comfortable, stable commitment, they still had nights like that.
Even when they moved in together, they sometimes picked out a bottle of wine, finished the whole thing, and spent the second bottle of wine sharing stories and experiences.
That was when it felt real. That was what reminded them that this was magic - that this was love.
@stateofgracious I think this was kinda cute, so maybe I can do some cute ones  🤞
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gyllenhaalstories · 4 years
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SOUTHPAW, PART 1: HEADCANONS.
notes: dear anon: thank you for making me appreciate jake the rapper! also i know nothing about rap, so i’m sorry if this is pure trash! i never finished watching southpaw because it was too dark for me, but i took some very loose inspiration from it. warnings: mentions of dark past, mentions of sexual content... this got really long (2k words). gifs credits: alphalewolf. extras: if you want more informations about rapper!jake, please scroll through my blog. i have edited some older posts with the tag: topic: rapper!jake, so check it out if you’re interested. i have taken some ideas and put them in this list. (at the end of the list i provided some goodies!)
PART TWO WILL BE UPLOADED SOON, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR IT!
attention, attention! please note i know absolutely nothing about rap. i very rarely enjoy listening to rap music, it’s simply not for me. this might be inaccurate and off compared to the actual world of hip hop and other similar genres. i apologize for my lack of knowledge! this is an au in which jake is not an actor or a producer or anything of the sort. his fame, he built it with his music. you must keep that in mind while reading these headcanons or else it will get confusing. also, i’ve taken some loose inspiration from jake’s actual work, but that’s just for the sake of backstory. are you ready to dive in this twisted fantasy?
Jake Gyllenhaal. Known as Hall. He exploded the charts after being picked up by one of the biggest record companies for his first album: Hall of Fame. He was a rookie, yet he was older than most of the rappers you can think of today. He worked his way up undercover. He started participating in poetry and slam nights at local cafés. He became a songwriter, through connections. He sold some songs that are absolute classics today, but he does not care. He did not feel like they fit him anyway.
Growing up, Jake had it rough. There was a lot of fighting at home. His older sister was the perfect angel and him? The absolute disaster child. It was not like he ran after danger and trouble, he seemed to always be at the wrong place in the wrong time, he hung out with the wrong crowd. He managed to avoid juvie on some miracle. What was the miracle, you might ask? He was caught robbing some local bank with his “friends” and the cops, at first, did not believe he was innocent. While his friends were screaming and threatening the innocent clients of the bank, Jake actually tried to help them out of the building safely. The cops arrived at the same moment and thought he was keeping the strangers hostage. He was arrested on the spot. The other guys played the victims, blamed it all on Jake but it was only when Jake wrote the whole story, from the beginning where his friends manipulated him and made of him their puppet to when he felt this adrenaline rush telling him he needed to save the strangers that night. His writing was too sincere, too raw to be a web of lies. The police released him, but they kept an eye on him.
His escape were writing and music. He impressed all of his teachers at school. Talented, gifted, magical. That was how they described Jake at every parent and teacher meeting. Writing dumb sentences that made very little sense and playing with a guitar after school, that did not make his parents very proud compared to his sister who was on top of all of her classes and working hard for a future of wealth and success.
Music was his entire life. He would come home from school and blast music until he was called out for dinner. Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, Heart, Pink Floyd, Metallica, name it. He liked it loud. He liked it weird. He liked it with a deeper message, with double meaning.
He worked all types of jobs, some legal and some not so much. He was saving money for college. He applied. He got in. He started his classes. He had big dreams, too, he had ambitions. Maybe he could his talent to good use? He wanted to study philosophy, literature, music, creative writing... Anything that required thought and depth. He made friends, there. He befriended the edgy punk guy, he had tattoos everywhere, he listened to the same bands, he was quiet but his essays spoke volumes.
Jake was disappointed, his illusions were broken. He hated the format of his classes, the feeling like his opinion and his inspiration did not matter, it was always about meeting some stupid requirements to please a rich professor who did not care about passion, about talent, about originality. Jake dropped out, soon followed by his friend. His friend was hired at a tattoo parlor and Jake hung out there all the time. He would stay up until 5 am, 6, 7, all night and all day long. He loved the clients there. He would write and read his writing out loud to the clients when they were tortured by the needle shooting the ink in their skin. Talented and gifted, they all the same thing.
He started to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
He wrote, not just stories and opinion pieces. He started writing songs, melody and lyrics. He started playing them, he started writing his own poetry too. He was introduced to freestyle battles. And as he fought against other talented thinkers, he noticed he spoke with a tempo, with a rhythm. He was rapping and he did not even realize it.
His career sky rocketed from the moment a music producer attended one of the rap battles. He was famous, he got quite the thick wallet and the connections. Jake was introduced to legends of hip hop. They all influenced him as his career grew to become something overwhelming and terrifying, yet thrilling and addictive.
Hall had a style of his own, though. It was romantic, yet absolutely disgusting and dark. It was aggressive, yet vulnerable and philosophical. He spoke of his trauma, of his hatred, of his envy, of his fears... He used his songs as an escape. He was becoming his own escape.
And his own prison. His family did not care about him, he was a shame, even. Aside from his old college friend, he never built strong friendships. They were all after him for fame and cash. He slept around, guys and gals, threesomes, foursomes... He did not care, anything for some genuine connection, even if it lasted for a very lazy and messy fifteen minutes in the trashy bathroom of a concert hall. Rumour had it he was a great lover, but he was so bad at loving.
Now it gets interesting...
Hall rapped alongsides Eminem, Drake, Kendrick Lamar, Travis Scott... The biggest pop stars were fighting just to get him to rap a line in their songs. Rihanna wishes he was the one singing Love the way you lie, does that give you an idea? He appeared on duets. He wrote more solo albums, sold them instantly. He never left the top of the billboard in weeks, months, if not years. It never really got to his head. He was still that sensitive boy writing about knights and princesses in his bedroom with walls covered by band posters. Fans did not care about this side of him, they loved him for his lyrics about snorting coke, drinking his pain away and fucking whoever wore the tiniest skirt around.
His latest album, Southpaw, was an even bigger hit. Pure filth. Pure gold. Imagine 13 tracks, Cardi’s and Megan’s WAP but reversed. He does not rap about how good he fucks people. He raps about how good they feel. That’s some real depth here, no pun intended.
You met him at one of his concerts. Your friend won VIP passes, so you were standing in the front and got to take a picture with him. You did not understand the hype around taking a photo with this guy, he just stood there and looked absolutely emotionless.
You hated rap, or perhaps you loved it. You did not care much for Jake, that was for sure. You thought he was just another lame rapper who thought he was the real deal because his lyrics were so explicit, even the clean versions made angels cry. The truth was, you did not know much a bout him. You found him too commercial, like he was scared of becoming irrelevant.
You saw right through him already.
But him? He already cared too much about you. You caught his attention as he rapped his songs. He could not take his eyes off you. You weighted heavy on his mind, caused him to stutter and forget lyricvs. Fans laughed, they said he was probably too drunk or too high too focus. Drunk in love, that’s what it was.
There was something about you. Maybe it was the Black Sabbath shirt you wore. Maybe it was the unimpressed look on your face. Maybe it was your plump lips he wanted to kiss. Maybe it was the sight of you laughing with your friend that made his heart skip a beat. Maybe it was the fact you treated him like a normal person even if you had not spoken to him first.
So, you met backstage.
Your friend was beaming from ear to ear, showering Jake in compliments.
“Did you enjoy the show?” Jake asked you.
“For someone who shows no emotion, sound dead inside and look like they wish they were doing anything but making dozens of thousands of dollars by singing a couple of semi mediocre tracks, yeah, it was not that horrible.”
He was up for a challenge.
You two exchanged insults like it was a boxing match. Each round was getting more and more intense. It was no longer insults, it was straight up flirting. You noticed when your bodies were so close you could smell the scent of watermelon chewing gum that escaped from his warm breath. You could hear the way his raced even faster than yours.
You were snapped out of this fantasy by his bodyguard, indicating other fans waited for him.
He remembered the name your friend called out, saying he needed to bring you home before something bad happened.
It was the most beautiful name he had ever heard.
He hung out around that concert hall for the next couple of days. At the bar nearby, at Starbucks, at McDonald’s, anything for the sake of seeing your face again.
And he did.
You were walking out of the record store with a vinyl of Heart squeezed under your arm. You looked so happy. You had paint stains all over your clothes. You were erasing the memories of a terrible relationship by decorating your tiny apartment, and you needed to set the right ambiance. You needed guidance, you found it in the strong minds of the ladies behind Heart, in Joan Jett, in Stevie Nicks. You found your silver lining in music.
Jake ran behind you, he pretended he was out jogging and he mysteriously bumped into you. He grabbed your vinyl before it could fall on the ground.
“Nice pick.”
“We finally agree on something.”
Another round of flirty insults...
... That ended in the two of you fucking like animals on the floor of your apartment.
And fucking on the couch the next day.
On the kitchen counter the morning after.
And finally, on the bed. That was a really special one. Jake was the first person to be on your bed since the departure of your ex. He could feel that you were not in the mood for a rough battle for dominance.
That night, he made love to you.
For, quite possibly, the first time in his life, he expressed his love directly to somebody. “Princess, baby girl, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing”, he showered you in compliments, and praises. The slow movement of his hips, the intense passion in his eyes and love in his heart spoke louder than the music you were playing in the background to set the mood.
You were not just another trophee to hang on the wall. You were special.
He was special too.
He bought you every record that reminded him of you. He bought you collector items of your favourite bands. From the silliest decoration to a new car to replace your crappy one, passing by tickets to exclusive and sold-out shows, Jake had never felt more famous in his life than when he was with you.
His fans noticed the change in his songs, in his lyrics. They were just as explicit, just as rotten and just as corrupted. However, they came from a place of light and love, not of darkness and rage.
He sang about how good your felt when you climaxed around him. How drenched he was whenever he made you squirt. How he loved to taste himnself on your lips. How he was full of love and of lust for you. How he would quit everything if it meant he would live a normal life, for once, and with you.
You inspired so many songs that became massive world-wide hits.
You travelled the world with him on tour. You helped him design his new merch and you wore his t-shirts with pride. You attended concerts in your freetime. You loved staying up all night, painting and drawing while he was writing about this mirage of a goddess, blessing his existence with a smile and a sparkle in her eyes.
He was addicted to you.
He was crazy for you.
And he went crazy on you.
for research purposes and not because i wasted my time hearing eminem talk about stuff i don’t understand so i could stare at jake’s thighs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mP_cKP4OjsA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whV5oQDvVWE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGqC9URTJIQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5imXD1LPnwo
and finally, for good measure :
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@gyll-yee-haw​ ily
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Nervous Breakdown // Jay Halstead x Reader
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Photo by @karihighman​
Description: Jay is there when you start to break down.
Words: 1539
Warnings: None
Pairing: Jay x Reader
A/N: So, this I wrote for me. The schedule Reader talks about is my actual schedule. The sign offs are the things I actually need. This was me last night, except I didn’t have someone like Jay to talk me down from my nervous break down, I just had it and then had to be at my clinical this morning (which I’m still at btw lol). But yeah. Hope you enjoy. And if my posting is sporadic in the next month or so, this is why. 
“Come to bed,” Jay told you softly, leaning on the doorframe of your bedroom with his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at you with papers spread across the floor, couch, and coffee table. 
Your movements were frantic as you tried to organize them all, trying to figure out the best system to keep everything together. Every section was chronologically ordered for the online documentation, paper clips holding each stack together. Then, there were the colored sheets that had even more important signatures on them. You had to make sure everything was in order as class was drawing to an end. 
“I’ll sleep when I’m done, Jay,” you snapped at him before closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I just-”
“I know.” He walked over, stepping around the stacks before sitting directly behind you in the only place clear of paper. “Come here.” 
You couldn’t stop yourself from leaning back into his chest, his arms wrapping around you. Grounding you as your mind went a mile a minute. You also couldn’t stop yourself from grabbing your calendar, flipping it open to this month.
“What’s the schedule look like?” His chin rested on your shoulder as he looked at the planner. 
“I have to help with the EMT class Saturday from seven to three. Then I start my shift at work at eight tomorrow night. Then, work Sunday night. So I’m going to try and catch up on some sleep on Sunday. I have my exam in Med Emergencies on Monday. Then, I have an ambulance clinical AM shift at seven. Same on Wednesday. A quiz in Med Emergencies on Thursday. Then, I work Thursday night. Off at eight on Friday morning, but I picked up a shift from two to ten Friday day. Then, ambulance clinical on Saturday AM shift. 
Same with that next Sunday. A quiz in Med Emergencies on the seventeenth. Then work that night. Work the night of the eighteenth, but I’m off at four in the morning instead of my usual eight. Mainly because I have an OR clinical on the nineteenth from seven to three. But then I work that night, off at five on the twentieth because I have an exam in Med Emergencies that day. Ambulance clinical AM shift on the twenty-first. Twenty-second, I have an ER shift from seven to three, then I work that night. Work Sunday night, so I’m going to try to catch up on sleep that day. 
Twenty-fourth I have another exam in Med Emergencies. Ambulance AM shift on the twenty-fifth and sixth. Then, we review for our Final in Med Emergencies, but I work that night. I’ll get off at six to get to my ambulance clinical on the twenty-eight at seven. I work that night, but off at five to get to my Maternal-Fetal Truck shift by eight. 
On the thirtieth, I have an ER shift from three to eleven. The thirty-first, I have my final in Med Emergencies, and then work that night. Off the day of the first, but I work that night. Then, an ER shift at three on the second. Then, I work that night, but I’m going to try to switch shifts just because my ER shift won’t finish until eleven. The third, we have our student evals. The fourth, I’m helping the junior class with their Ops day, and then I have an ambulance clinical that night. Off the fifth, but work that night. Off the sixth, but work that night. Seventh is labor day, so completely free. ER shift on the eighth at three. Then, on the ninth, OR shift at seven.
“After that, I don’t know because we haven’t signed up for our capstone. Which all of this,” you said, motioning to the mess of papers, “is me getting everything in order to make sure I have everything done and what I still need. Because we can’t start capstone until all of our skills check offs are done, and we’ve hit all of our demographics.”
“What do you have left to do for your skills?” That question got you to sigh, putting the planner down and grabbing a notebook. You had to push your glasses back up on your face as you looked down at your messy handwriting. 
“Five peer reviews for pediatric intubations. Two peer reviews for needle cricothyrotomy. Three peer and two instructor reviews for trauma assessment. Five peer reviews for trauma intubations. Two instructor reviews for joint splinting -- which I’m already an EMT, why the Hell do I have to sign off on the BLS stuff again? Same with long-bone. I need one peer review and two instructor for traction splint. Again, BLS bullshit. Seven peer reviews for medical and cardiac scenarios. Eleven peer reviews for IV starts, and one instructor. One instructor for IV piggyback. Five peer reviews for IO. Oh, and another instructor. Three peer for IM injection. Three peer for synchronized cardioversion. One peer for defibrillation. Three peer transcutaneous pacing. Four peer reviews and one instructor for adult team lead scenarios. Five peer reviews and one instructor for pediatric team lead scenarios. Eleven peer reviews for being a team member. Three peer reviews for being a team leader for geriatric scenarios. Six peer and one instructor reviews for adult physical assessments. And finally. Six peer and one instructor review for pediatric assessment,” you read off, letting the paper fall to the ground. 
He held you a little tighter. You felt bad. With all the stress you’d been under for the past month, and with how crazy his job was, the two of you hadn’t gotten to spend a lot of time together. And the next month was going to be even crazier. 
“When are you supposed to start your capstone?” He pressed a kiss to your neck, your eyes fluttering closed in response. 
“They want us to start September Ninth, but I’m going to be the last one who gets to sign up because I’m so far behind! Everyone is going to pick the cool preceptors, and I’m going to get stuck with the ones nobody else wants,” you vented before huffing in frustration. 
It was indeed very frustrating, stressful, and downright annoying that you were so far behind compared to everyone else. That’s what happens when you have to be off for six weeks because you tore your knee. Now, it was a constant game of catch-up. 
“Just breathe when I breathe,” Jay instructed in that calming voice, following his breathing pattern. It got your heart rate down as tears came to your eyes, despite your internal protests. You were on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and it wasn’t going to be pretty.
“Maybe you should email your instructor?” he suggested when you had your breathing under control on your own.
“And have her take me off all my clinicals and reschedule everything? No. No fucking way. I can’t just email her and schedule my nervous breakdown, Jay. She was very clear in first semester that if we took on too much and couldn’t handle it, she’d take us off our clinicals and completely reschedule everything. I can’t do that, Jay. I can’t because then I’ll be even further behind.” You were talking a mile a minute, Jay taking a deep breath behind you. You took the hint and matched your breathing again. 
“Okay, then don’t email her. But, I want you to come to bed right now. It’s two in the morning. You have an ambulance clinical in five hours. You need your sleep. All of this will be waiting for you when you come home tonight,” he insisted. You didn’t want to, but you knew he was right. 
The two of you stood up, walking into the bedroom. You couldn’t help it as you collapsed on the bed with a groan, much more comfortable than the hard floor in the living room. He wasted no time in joining you, pulling you close again. This time, you were able to see his face at least, tracing his features gently with soft fingertips. You missed him. 
“How about we do something Labor Day? Just you and me to destress a bit?” you asked, Jay nodding in agreement before lips met gently. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” he said with a soft chuckle, kissing you again. “But you’re almost done. This is the worst of it. After your final, you’re pretty much done with lecture. Capstone is your last hoorah. Then, your tests and you’ll finally be a paramedic after over a year. Doing this through a pandemic. Through all your family crap. I’m proud of you.”
“You really know how to sweet talk a lady,” you joked, resting your head on his chest.
It was the exact thing you needed to hear. Jay always knew what to say. You were so close to being done. Then, you’d be in your dream career. All the hard work was going to be worth it. The thousands of hours in clinicals, the hundreds of hours in class. The countless sleepless nights and caffeine filled days. Yes. It would be all worth it. Just a couple more months to go. And Jay was by your side.
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