#i am literally one picture of fives away from a total breakdown | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years

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what if in the distance series, she’s been having a really stressful week with her album promotions and whatnot and all calum wants to do is make her feel better and the facetimes can only help so much so he decides to fly out and surprise her 🥺

Thanks so much for the suggestion! I’m going to combine it with this one:

i’m feeling rlly down do u think for the distance series you could write another blurb about the reader being really upset and not wanting to bother cal but she tweets a really concerning tweet and cal calls her and she’s balling and maybe he sings to her to make her to feel better and the next week she gets a care package?

I did some tweaks. Her album’s not out yet. She’s just promoting the singles. But the album is coming out soon! I’m not a professional, so I don’t know how any of this actually works. But I’m trying.

Here are parts one, two, three, four, and five. This is the Distance series on my masterlist!

If you have any suggestions or ideas for this series, please feel free to send them to me! I will try and use as many as I can while also progressing the story along!

_______________________________

The thing about life is that, sometimes when one thinks there’s not much lower that they can do, there’s something right around the corner that proves deeper is possible. Though the tweets hadn’t exactly lessened, she made a point not to be on social media unless she had to be, she only interacted with fans for a spare few minutes, liking tweets and reply to the love and positive outreach. Her relationship with social media is rapidly evolving and for the first time in a while, she kind of understood the reason why Calum never seemed to be on his. It was a hard river to get out of, if one floated down it too long.

But now, she was looking at her schedule for promotion and while thankfully most things were still relatively close to her, traveling this much so soon, made her nervous. She tried to speak with her manager and the team, to see if some of the interviews could be scheduled for video. They had managed to keep a decent portion video based but still too many required her traveling. “I’ll try to talk to some people, but you really have to get out there, have people see your face. Besides, you already traveled out of the country once before. What’s the big deal now?”

It makes sense and she’s still new to this game. But going to see Calum is completely different than being in cities for hours before flying out for the next. Just the idea of her being herded around made her a little uncomfortable. “I understand that, but when am I supposed to be a human being during all of this? I still have songs to finish. And I visited a friend for a few days. Totally different than bouncing around god knows how many countries in two weeks. I need time to breathe in all this.”

“Listen, we’re here to help you out. The only way for this relationship to work is if there is mutual respect.”

“That’s rich,” she retorts. “I’m only simply asking that for my mental wellbeing that we adjust some of the interviews, that’s all.”

“And we will see what we can do.” The rest of the meeting is tense and it grates every nerve in her soul that there seems to be no real regard. It’s really just in the tone. Like she’s a child begging for candy in the checkout line while her mother has already told her once before that there is candy at home.

But she has to in some ways take them at their word. She lets this go for now but when the next day, she receives an email that the schedule will remain the same, she knows in her gut that no one actually talked about rearranging anything. Can she really afford to cause a ripple? Especially so early in her career? These people kind of did pluck her from obscurity but at the same time, shouldn’t her voice be heard?

Remember the compression socks, reads the message from Calum. He sent her a care package last week, after hearing about her promotion schedule. It was going to be hell and Calum wasn’t going to hide that fact from her. She hadn’t told me about the small feud. So he sent things that helped him out a lot, the socks for the constant air travel, a sleep mask, vitamins, a book that he recommended but she hadn’t stopped by the local shop to buy, a pack of her favorite pens that she had to order from a place in New York, and a beautiful bound leather journal. Her wire bound notebook was curling at the corners and well loved. It was by time to get a new one but she had a hard time giving up on things.

Snapping a picture of her carry on, she makes sure the socks are resting right on top. I would never.

You got this, buttercup. Calum stares at his phone, wishing he could do a little

The first couple of days aren’t so bad. The flights aren’t terribly long. The interviews are kind of fun, filled with plenty of laughter. There are gimmicky games based on her singles and they didn’t always pan out completely, but for a second, she figures maybe she had overreacted. But soon the interviews grow repetitive, the games are no longer fun. She can’t even write, by the time she’s on a plane, all she wants is sleep. The time zones are killer and she swears time means literally nothing as she’s hurded about.

I’m losing it, she texts Calum. Losing all sense of her humanity. She’s grateful to meet her fans in the small pockets of time she’s allotted and that keeps her going. But slowly and surely, her body is drained. No amount of sleep means anything. She can’t hardly concrete. It’s all crumbling around her. She doesn’t feel human.

“Are you sleeping?” Calum asks, through the screen. His picture goes pixelated for a quick second but then it straightens back out.

“Yeah. Just doesn’t seem like enough though.”

Calum knows that feeling. He knows that look in her eyes too. It’s hard to keep up the facade when constantly about. “Eating enough?”

“Kinda,” she admits. She tries to think what she had for breakfast. But that was hours ago and now she’s sitting waiting for another plane that will take her even further ahead in time. Will she be eating breakfast again soon? Does it even matter right now?

Calum passes along a few more tricks, but mostly aims to distract. He talks about the new music he’s working on. She asks if she can get a sneak peak and he’s more than happy to oblige. If that’s all he can do for the small moments in time, he’ll do it. He wishes he could do more though. It’s not easy and he’s fortunate to have three other people that are going through it all at the same time as him. There’s always a support system. But it’s just her. And she can confide in a couple of her security guards, they’ve become a level of friends, but it’s still not quite the same.

“I miss my dog,” she confesses, randomly amongst the reverbing rumble of Calum’s bass as he finishes the last chord in the progression. Her chest starts to ache. And the tears are stinging her eyes before she can really stop them. “I miss my dog so fucking much,” she cries in a whisper. “I miss my bed. I miss you.”

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s hard to be away. I totally get it.” His heart races, because of her tears but also because of her confession. Now, probably isn’t the time, not to get hung up on that last sentence but his mouth is moving before he can will it not too. “I miss you too. And I know your dog misses you. And it’s okay to miss us. We’ll always be right here when you need us.”

It doesn’t help to be having this breakdown in the middle of an airport. And sure, there might be headlines in the coming days but at the end of the day she’s so human. No matter how much she wants to pretend nothing ever affects her, it does. It always will. Her wall isn’t without some flaws. She does her best to calm the tears, steady her breathing but it feels so right just to let it all out.

She manages to excuse herself to that bathroom. There are still about thirty minutes before her flight and she has to get it all out now before she boards. With Calum still on the line, she sobs in the bathroom. A toilet flushes alerting her that she’s not as alone as she once expected but locked into the stall, it doesn’t matter. Calum soothes her as best he can, telling her it’s okay to get it all out. Ten minutes later, she’s cleaned up and running back to her gate. “Thanks, Cal.”

“No, no need to thank me. Just take care of yourself, okay? Please.”

She nods, guards waiting for her with her bags. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Just like she knew, it’s all over the internet the next day. The woman interviewing asks if everything’s okay, what sparked the teary episode. “I’m human, in case anyone forgets. I am human and I just hit my limit. I think we all need to take a moment to remember we are human. I am. You are. The person listening to this. We’re all human at the end of the day.” That’s all she has to say because if truth be told, she’s still at that limit, she’s still hitting that wall in which everything feels hazy but crying her eyes out helped a little bit.

Calum sees her interview, not trying to look for it, but it pops up on his timeline. Her voice shakes as she speaks, lower lip quivering but her tone is strong, there’s a fire behind her eyes as she talks. Calum knows she’s hitting that wall and she won’t really get over it until she gets home and gets a chance to unwind. It’s crazy. Really, but he can’t do much over a call or over a video chat. So he figures out when her return home is and books a flight out for the next day. He should really make sure she wants company to, but it’s too late now as his email dings with the confirmation.

It’s midday and it should require more pants than she’s currently wearing, her only plans are to stay curled up on her couch and snuggled up with her dog. She has plenty of food in the house and she doesn’t mind taking the moment to cook for herself. The knock at her door is surprising and she stands, hollering that she needs just a moment and scurries to her room to grab a pair of shorts off the chair in her room that has just become the clothes chair when things aren’t dirty to go into the laundry but aren’t clean to stick back into the drawer.

And there’s Calum, just standing at her door. A hoodie on his head, covering the baseball cap and his sunglasses. “Hey,” he exhales with a tiny grin.

All she can do is hug him, shaking with a small bit of laughter. “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or if I’m hallucinating this, but I’m absolutely okay with this.”

He kisses the top of her head. “Just here to cheer you up, buttercup. That’s all.”

-H

#calum hood #calum hood blurb #calum hood imagine #calum hood fluff #calum hood x famous singer #distance series #calum hood 5sos #5sos #h writes #asks #answered #5 seconds of summer imagine #5 seconds of summer fic #5 seconds of summer fanfic #5sos fic #5sos blurb #5sos imagne #5sos fanfics

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snapchattingnct · 5 years

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One of Many Reasons Why

Mark Lee x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 2.7K Warnings: cursing, minor religion mentioned

Summary: There were many reasons to love Mark Lee…

Notes: Happiest of birthdays to our baby lion, Mark Lee. I had a totally different piece written for his birthday but I completely scrapped it and wrote this instead. And I like it so much better. - K 🌱

1. Circle Frames

Mark usually wore contacts most of the time, which was disappointing since he looked so stinking cute in those precious circle frames of his. But whenever he got too lazy or forgot to buy more contacts, he would end up wearing his glasses instead. And those were moments that you lived for. You couldn’t help but coo at how cute he looked each time that he wore them, taking a billion pictures of him as you did so. Mark would simply push away your phone, becoming incredibly flustered, telling you, “Ugh, babe stop….”

2. Messy Love Notes

Mark had a habit of writing you little love notes every chance he got. Most of the time, his love notes were never written on a clean sheet of paper. They were usually short blurbs scribbled messily on whatever he could get his hands on; a Starbucks napkin, on the back of his music theory quiz, a crumpled up post-it note. But that didn’t matter, you loved it regardless.

Unfolding the folded love note Mark had slipped to you in passing earlier, you couldn’t help but smile as you read the messily written note on the corner of a flashcard. ‘I love you to the moon and back.’

3. Secret Handshakes

For someone who was extremely clumsy and sometimes a little uncoordinated, Mark loved making secret handshakes for all of his friends. And you weren’t an exception. Since the day that you’ve met each other, way before the two of you became a couple, you and Mark have been adding a new move to your guys’ handshake. Each time that you two saw each other, it still amazes you how either one of you were able to memorize all the moves at this point.

4. Baby Giggles

No matter how much, Mark loves to deny it. Mark Lee was nothing but a big baby. He is the epitome of a baby. Especially when he giggles and laughs at things that he finds amusing. Even though he’s older, whenever that cute giggle of his slips passed his lips, you can’t help but feel a sense of overprotectiveness overcome you. Mark Lee was to be protective at all cost because he’s simply precious like that.

5. Goofball

Sometimes it was so hard to take Mark seriously because at the end of the day, he was nothing but a goofball. He would laugh at the simplest things, the lamest jokes, and the cheesiest puns. The best part was that even when it wasn’t funny, he would still laugh. And he just had the most contagious laugh in the whole world. So you couldn’t help but laugh along with him until your stomach hurt.

6. Warm Cuddles

Maybe you were biased but Mark gave the best hugs and was the best cuddle buddy in the world. No one could compare. The best kind are the ones that he gave on those calm, Sunday mornings. Eyes barely open and mind barely awake, Mark would pull you closer, sharing his warmth with you. Then with a lazy hand, he would thread his fingers through your hair. Mumbling softly into your hair, he would say, “Let’s just stay in bed all day babe…”

7. Burnt Eggs

It was a universally acknowledged fact that Mark Lee was a terrible cook. He wasn’t even able to boil water without it evaporating completely. He was honestly that bad of a cook. So the one morning that he decided that it would be a brilliant idea to wake up early and make you an omelette for breakfast, he almost burned down half the building. From then on, Mark was completely banned from the kitchen stove. These days, he still wakes up early and prepares breakfast for you though. Except he just orders it from your favorite bakery down the street, which was a much better option for everyone.

8. Watermelon Boy

There were two things in the world that Mark Lee loved with his entire heart. Of course, one of those things was you. But the love he had for watermelon was equally as strong. Honestly speaking, had he not met you in this lifetime, you were sure that he would have ended up marrying a watermelon.

He was all yours for three seasons out of four. When summer hit though, that was a completely different story because with summer comes the watermelons. Surprisingly with how much he buys and brings home everyday, you weren’t sick of eating all that watermelon. It might have been the cute, happy smile that he has on his face each time he ate them that made it worth it.

9. What the Flute?

Mark Lee was talented at a lot of things; rapping, composing, singing, dancing, and the list simply goes on and on. But the one thing that he wasn’t good at playing the flute. The day that you had found the instrument case of his flute back from primary school was the day that you realized that there were some things that Mark couldn’t do. You had teased him, calling him a cute band geek as you pulled the case out from the back of his closet. Flipping through the old music scores, you asked him if he could still play it.

Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “Maybe? I’m not sure. It’s been a while.”

And it has been a while because the moment that he held the flute up to his lips and tried to play it, nothing but squeaks came out. This left you rolling on the floor laughing as you clutched your stomach in pain. The laughing didn’t stop as Mark continued to give his best effort in playing the flute.

Let’s just say that his primary school days of playing in a marching band were long over.

10. Team Android

No matter how many times you had urged him to upgrade his phone to an iPhone, Mark continued to stay loyal to that android of his. You didn’t have a problem with him having an android. No, not at all. You just wanted to be able to use all the cute talking emojis on iMessage.

11. Fully Capable

It was pretty rare for Mark to ever feel nervous about his performances and presentations. Mark was one of the top students in their music department. He was the department’s golden child. He could literally do anything that he would set his mind to. You had just wished that he knew that he was good enough and he didn’t have anything to fear.

One night, during finals, Mark was on the verge of a mental breakdown as he tried to finish the composition for his music theory class. As he angrily tossed aside his notebook and guitar, you came up to him and immediately pulled him into your arms. With a soothing hand running through his hair, you said, “Hey, it’s okay babe.”

Mumbling incoherently into the nape of your neck, “No, it’s not… I can’t even rearrange this stupid simple song. How am I supposed to do anything in life?”

“You’re just thinking too hard about it. Relax, babe.”

“How the hell am I supposed to relax when I have nothing finished and this is due in like five hours?” He cried out, clearly frustrated.

Pulling away from the embrace, you cupped his face in between the palm of your hands, forcing him to look at you directly in the eye. “Hey. Seriously. Quit being so negative right now. This isn’t like you. Because the Mark Lee I know is a music genius and he’s absolutely fully capable of anything and everything.”

12. Butterfly Kisses

Kisses from Mark were also the best and you might be a little biased again, but it’s the truth. Sometimes Mark gets a little too shy to kiss you outright on the lips, so he showers you with butterfly kisses instead. First, he’ll bring your hand to his lips and kiss the back of it. Then he’ll pull you in close and place a fleeting kiss on your temple. Then your cheeks, then your nose, and lastly your lips.

13. Multilingual King

Even after knowing Mark for so many years, it still amazes you how many languages the boy knows and can pick up on so quick. He was like your own personal translator when you guys when on trips to foreign countries. But it was also funny how he would stumble over his words sometimes when he’s trying to switch between languages. When that happens, he just puts his hands out in a pausing motion, shouting, “Okay. Wait, wait. I need to switch my brain over.”

14. Corny Jokes

The jokes that he tells you and the ones that he finds funny are ones that are rivaling of your dad’s. His sense of humor was really one of a father in their mid-thirties.

As the two of you sit there side by side, enjoying a bowl of cold watermelon, he begins to laugh obnoxiously before he can even say the joke. Already prepared for the worst joke in the world, you sit there, staring straight back at him with an unamused look.

After he’s finished with his laughing fit, he smiles and feeds you a piece of watermelon, saying, “Babe, you’re one in a melon.”

15. Spiderman Mark Lee

For Halloween, Mark’s friends decided to throw a Marvel themed party and it was the best idea that they could ever come up with. Why? Because Mark Lee decided to go to the party as Spiderman. And you may or may not have a crush on Peter Parker but Mark didn’t need to know that.

But when he got tired of all the drinking games that his friends were playing, he scouted you out amongst the crowd. And when he saw that you were sitting on the swing set that Jaemin’s family had in the backyard, he came up with the most brilliant plan.

Sneaking up behind you as quiet as he could, Mark climbed on top of the jungle gym above the swings. Then nearly scaring the living daylights out of you, he swung downwards, straight in front of your face, whispering, “Hey.”

“Oh my gosh! Mark Lee!” You screamed. Hand clutching your racing heart, you breathed out heavily through your nose. “You can’t go around and do things like this and not expect me to die from a premature heart attack!”

“Sorry,” he laughed. Then pulling the ends of his mask up, he whispered softly, “Here, take a kiss as my apology.”

And you might have just died when he said that because that was such a classic Spiderman move.

16. Billionaire

The day the ‘Billionaire’ by Bruno Mars had came on the radio as the two of you were studying, it instantly became your guys’ song. It was on repeat for the longest of time, to the point to where you both knew the rap and vocal parts equally by heart. Each time that it came on, you didn’t have to think for a second before you’re belting out the chorus together, whether it was out in public or in the comfort of your own apartment. You didn’t care because it was your song.

17. Driver’s License

For someone his age, you would think that he would have a driver’s license by now. But nope, that wouldn’t be Mark Lee would it?

One day as you’re picking him up from his shift at the music store down the street from his apartment complex you couldn’t help but ask, “Don’t you think you should get your driver’s license? I mean you’re almost twenty one...”

Nodding, Mark said in reply, “Yeah, I probably should…”

And that he did.

Because the next day, before the sun was even up, he came knocking on your apartment’s door. Barely awake, you had answered the door with annoyance, yanking it open, “Babe. It’s not even eight. What do you want?”

“Well, good morning to you too, princess.” Mark chuckled.

After closing the door, he follows you back to your bedroom, where you flopped rather ungracefully back onto your bed. Crawling into the empty space beside you, he tucked a strand behind your ear, smiling as he stares back at you intently. “Guess what I did this morning?”

Leaning into his touch, you close your eyes, relishing in the warmth that he was giving off. With a soft hum, you asked half-asleep, “What did you do?”

“I got my driver’s license.”

Eyes shooting wide open and mouth completely agape, you exclaimed, “You what?!”

Scrambling to sit up, you slapped him on the shoulder, making him laugh even harder. “Wait, hold up.” You said as you held your hands up, trying to wrap your mind around what Mark has just told you. Sputtering, “You… actually went and got a driver’s license? You know I was just joking right?”

“Yeah, but I figured that it was time to get one anyways.” He smiled. “Plus it was a piece of cake.”

“Only you, Mark Lee. Only you.”

“Yes, that would be me. I am Mark Lee.”

“Oh shush,” you couldn’t help but laugh. Then extending your hand out to him, you gave him a sweet smile. “Alright, the moment of truth. Let me see that driver’s license photo.”

The smile on his lips widen even more as he reached into his back pocket and retrieved his wallet. Then placing his freshly new driver’s license into the palm of your awaiting hand, he leaned back satisfied.

And course he would be satisfied. Mark looked devilishly handsome on his license. But you couldn’t help but tease him about it as you pinched his cheeks, saying, “Aww look at our Markie Poo being all cool and handsome.”

Pushing your hands away from his face, Mark snatched his license back and tucked it away into his wallet. Then opening his arms, he asked, “Alright, are we going to cuddle or are you going to continue making fun of me?”

“Who says that I can’t do both?” You told him teasingly as you tucked yourself into his waiting arms, snuggling up against his warm body.

18. Baby Lion

“Baby Lion”, that was one of the many nicknames that you had for Mark. You weren’t quite sure where the nickname had come from. But the day that you saw Mark wake up from his nap, stretching and yawning like a cute baby cub with his hair a complete disarray, it clicked.

19. Religious Boy

Mark Lee was a wholesome, kind-hearted, and precious boy. He would never fail to remind you how he is ever so thankful that God had allowed someone like you to enter into his life; to have someone to love and support through thick and thin. He told you once that he prays for your health and happiness every night before he sleeps and you couldn’t help but feel that there really wasn’t another Mark Lee in this world.

20. Black Haired Mark

You honestly didn’t think that Mark could get any handsomer than he already was until the day he came back from the barber shop and had his hair dyed black. Without warning, he had sneaked up behind and wrapped his arms around you as the two of you stood in the kitchen. You were too busy reviewing your study notes and drinking your morning coffee to notice his new hair. But when you did, you were nothing but a sputtering mess and spilling coffee all over the counter.

Mouth agape, you exclaimed, “Oh. My. Gosh. Your hair…”

Nodding his head, he ruffled his hair shyly. “Yeah. I figured it was time for a change. Spice it up a little bit from the classic brown.”

The words had left your mouth before you could stop it, “Yeah, spice it up alright, because you look hot.”

21. Best Friend

Before the two of you even became a couple, you were each other’s best friend. Mark was the best friend that you could only dream of having. He laughed with you at the stupid things you did and tries to make you feel better about yourself. Even when you don’t want to hear it, Mark gives you the most honest advice and makes sure to keep you in check. He’s always there for you, even when he’s thousands of miles away for vacations with his family or concerts for the music department. He makes sure that he is the first to say ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight’ to you. And last but not least, Mark loves you at your best and he still loves you even at your worst.

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master-sass-blast · 5 years

Text

The Literal Crack Fic

Whoooo boy, this one’s a doozy.

Summary: You wind up overdosing after falling into a vat of cocaine and inadvertently inhaling too much of it.

The fic makes more sense than the summary, I promise.

Rating: M for accidental drug usage, seizures, drug-induced psychosis and hallucinations, drug overdose, drug withdrawal, cocaine, and hospitalization.

Like I said, this one’s a doozy.

Massive thank you to @leo-writer for proofing this fic for me and making sure my tired brain Englished properly! <3

Taglist: @chromecutie, @marvel-is-perfection, @super-darkcloudstudent, @girl-obsessed-with-things, @starman-thorsus-canos-jock

Also, to anyone who is struggling with drug addiction, who knows someone struggling with drug addiction, or has struggled with drug addiction: you are a beautiful human battling a dangerous and difficult beast. Your beauty and value are not and will never be diminished by the beast or the fight, I promise. <3

I thought it best to find a few resources to help those struggling with drug addiction. Obviously, I’m one person, so I can possibly cover every country. If someone knows the hotline for their country --or thinks of one I didn’t mention for a country I have listed--please include it in a reblog or a comment!

US:

-https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

-http://drughelpline.org/cocaine-hotline/

UK:

-https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/cocaine-get-help/

Australia:

-https://au.reachout.com/articles/cocaine

-https://adf.org.au/help-support/

You watch, satisfied, as your fiancé hauls off a group of mutant drug runners towards the X-Jet.

Charles had gotten the call a couple weeks ago; a team of mutants was using their abilities to run drugs through New York, and had gotten too dangerous for the regular authorities to handle. The X-Men had been asked to take in the mutants, and Charles had handed off the task of tracking the group’s hideout down to Nate and Wade.

Earlier today, the two had called the other members of the X-Force with the news that they’d found the drug runners. Within fifteen minutes, the X-Jet had been in the air and on its way towards upstate New York.

And, well, everything had gone pretty smoothly from there.

Wade groans as he stretches. “Fuck, I should’ve stretched my hammies more. I’m gonna be sore for like… another two minutes.”

“You’ll forget how you hurt yourself before the two minutes are up,” Ellie snarks.

“Yes, but until they are, I’m gonna be in agony!” Wade gripes. “Dammit! Why do my hamstrings hurt so bad?”

“Ellie, why don’t you and Yukio go help out Piotr,” you say, nodding at the jet. “Wade, Nate, Neena, and I will try to track down the runners’ stash so we can hand it off to the proper authorities.”

“Minus a serious chunk!” Wade adds as he starts skipping towards the warehouse the runners had been holed up in. “Because daddy needs a restock!”

“Absolutely not,” you fire back as you trail after him.

“Since when did you start sounding like Colossus?”

“Since we can’t afford to look like we’re skimming drugs, dorkus. What were they running?”

“Cocaine,” Nathan answers as he stops Wade from fiddling with various lab equipment on set of tables stationed on the far wall of the warehouse. “Decent grade stuff, and a lot of it from the looks of our recon.”

“I’m guessing there isn’t going to be a big sign with flashing neon lights that says ‘we hid our drugs here?’” you quip as you scan the warehouse for any clues about the drug stash’s whereabouts.

Nathan smirks. “Probably not, no.”

“We’ll find it,” Neena says confidently as she pulls out her phone and taps at the screen. “I’m feeling… two minutes and fifty seconds.”

“Still lazy writing,” Wade says as he turns a Bunsen burner on and off until Nate slaps his hand away.

You chuckle, then start walking the perimeter of the warehouse. The flooring’s wooden and somewhat rotted, so you have to watch your step in a couple places.

“Look, I’m not saying I’m an expert!” Wade protests mid-argument with Nate. “I’m just saying I’ve hidden cocaine before, and we should absolutely be looking for a hollowed-out statue of Betty Boop firing a machine gun into Stalin!”

“You’re the only person on the face of the earth who even has that statue.”

“Not true! The artist on Etsy made three.”

You snort and continue walking the perimeter, scanning the floor for any sign of where the drugs might be hidden –hello.

In the far-right corner of the warehouse is an area where a square has been cut through the floor.

You pry it up and peer down in the cavity beneath it –and, sure enough, there’s several slabs of cocaine at the bottom.

You pop up just as Neena’s phone timer goes off. “Over here!”

Neena cheers. “How about that!”

You jump up and down as you cheer with her—

Then shriek as you land on the hidey-hole panel and plummet through the floor.

You land on the slabs of cocaine –which, admittedly, aren’t too shabby for breaking a fall—and send up a veritable mushroom cloud of the drug into the warehouse. You cough, wheeze, and sneeze as you try to fan the coke away from your face.

And then, from the floor above you, comes the most horrified, blood-curdling shriek you’ve heard in your life. There’s a rush of footsteps on the floor, then Wade practically dives in with you because he can’t stop in time. He manages to catch himself on the lip of the floor, repositions himself so he’s laying down on his stomach, partially hanging over the ledge, then hauls you out by your collar, all while screaming “Get out of there! Get out of there! Get out of there!”

You hack and swipe at your face as you plop onto the floor of the warehouse. “Oh, fuck. That’s worse than the time I dropped that ten-pound bag of powdered sugar.”

Wade seems to be too busy having a nervous breakdown to notice your quip, though. “Oh, fuck! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! Fucking monkeys on a stick! Oh, sweet balls have mercy, no!”

“Relax,” you say as you stand and brush yourself off. “I didn’t hit my head; I’m fine.”

“I will not fucking relax!” Wade snaps at you. “I think I fucking shit my pants when you fell down in there, so no! No relaxing! No relaxes ever again! This is the worst possible situation to have ever happened in the history of the universe, including the invention of polyester boxers! Holy shit, Colossus is gonna kill us! He’s gonna kill me!”

“Wade, take a breath,” Neena interjects firmly. “Colossus isn’t going to kill anyone. It was an accident. You didn’t even do anything.”

“He most certainly will if his precious fiancée dies, which is exactly what’s gonna happen to her!”

“Wade, calm down,” Nathan says. “Y/N’s not going to die.”

“Yes, she is, you fucking imbecile!” Wade snarls –and his tone, combined with the fact he’s snapping at Nathan, really settles that he’s being completely serious. “She’s on antidepressants! You can’t mix those with cocaine! Even I don’t mix those with cocaine! Fuck, we need to get her to a hospital. We needed to get her to a hospital five minutes ago! Fuck, why are we still standing here?”

“You’ve been monologuing,” Neena offers.

“Dammit! Not the time! Bad me!” He slaps himself. “Ow!”

“I can just fly myself there,” you say, voice thready with anxiety because you’re starting to get the picture of just how fucked you might be.

“No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” Wade clasps your shoulders in a way that would’ve been gentle if he hadn’t been death-gripping them due to being so worked up. “No, nobody’s flying anywhere except in the jet. You need to keep your heart rate as slow as possible. Just stay calm. Everybody’s cool, everybody’s fine, this is totally chill, nobody’s shit their pants and nobody’s going to die, except for maybe you –fuck! Where is Piotr?”

“He’s handing off the criminals to the authorities,” Nate supplies, peering out the warehouse door. “They’ve got some kind of court case they need the guys for.”

“Dammit! This is no time for the boy scout act!”

“Come on.” Neena takes your arm and starts walking you towards the door. “We need to at least get her on the jet.”

***

So, as it turns out, cocaine feels pretty fucking great.

You’re borderline vibrating when Piotr all but sprints onto the jet, followed closely by Wade. “Hi, babe!” you chirp, words coming out in rush. “How’re you? Are you good? I’m really good. I’m super buzzy. Are you super buzzy? Did you eat any bees?”

“How did this happen?” Piotr asks as he kneels in front of you, looking you over with a distraught expression.

“She fell through the floor, I swear to Cthulhu,” Wade says as he frantically strips you out of your jacket. “How’s she doing?”

“Temperature and heart rate are elevated, but other than that she’s been okay,” Neena says.

“We need to get her to a hospital,” Wade insists.

“Already called McCoy,” Nathan calls from the cockpit as he goes through the stages of lift off. “He called the hospital that works with the Institute; they’re already waiting for her.”

You press your sweaty forehead against Piotr’s shoulder, relishing in the cool temperature of his armor. “You feel good, baby. Just like your dick does when you fuck me.”

Piotr hugs you gently. “Just stay calm, dorogoy. Focus on breathing.”

“Oh, I can do that. I am so focused right now. I am the most focused I’ve ever been.”

“Very good. Try to stop talking and just focusing on breathing, pozhaluysta.”

“Okay, I’ll try not to talk, even though it’s really easy right now. It’s like I’ve got entire dictionaries in my head all at once, and they’re all pouring words into my brain, and I have to make sure I let the words out so my head doesn’t explode. Wait, am I still talking?”

“How much longer to hospital?” Piotr asks.

“Ten minutes,” Nathan replies from the cockpit.

Piotr shifts so he’s sitting in the seat and holding you in his lap. “Deep breaths, dorogaya moya. Focus on breathing.”

You’re too focused on tracing the ridges on his forearms with your fingers to really do that, but you are staying calm. Honestly, you feel really good. You’re alert, your brain feels like it’s going a billion miles an hour, and you feel really happy.

Granted, you could do without your chest feeling so tight, but you can’t have everything. You cough a little, then go back to tracing Piotr’s arm ridges with your fingers.

“Alright, Y/N.” Neena squats in front of you. “We have to do some tests to see where your cognitive function is at, okay?”

“Okay,” you reply, drawing out the ‘a,’ while you continue to trace Piotr’s arm ridges. Wait, didn’t I just do his wrist?

“Good. Can you tell me your name?”

You let out another burst of coughing before answer. “Y/N M/N L/N.”

“Okay. What’s today’s date?”

“Uh…” You cough again, harder this time, then rattle off the date.

“Good. Can you tell me your date of birth?”

“Uh… uh… oh, it’s—” Before you can answer, you start coughing again, hard and long enough to make you start wheezing.

“Are you okay?” Neena asks as you double over. “Do you need some oxygen?”

You start crying, out of breath and more than a little disoriented. “I can’t breathe. My chest’s too tight, I can’t breathe.”

“Let’s get you some oxygen,” Neena decides, walking away to get a tank and mask.

Piotr rubs your back and helps you stay steady as you keep wheezing. “Try to stay calm. I know you are scared, but we are almost to hospital. Everything will be better soon.”

You weep against his shoulder—

Then suck in a harsh breath when you see your mother standing across the plane’s interior, glaring at you.

“What is it?” Piotr asks when you scream. “Moya lyubov’, what’s wrong?”

“My mom!” you hack out between bouts of coughing and wheezing. “Get her away from me!”

“Myshka… your mother is not here.”

Neena curses up a blue streak as she sets an oxygen canister next to your fiancé. “Wade! Get in here! She’s hallucinating!”

There’s the sounds of general panic and chaos from the cockpit, then Wade bursts into the main area of the jet. “Fuck—”

Everything goes black after that.

***

Beep… beep… beep…

You wish someone would turn your alarm clock off. It’s hard enough to sleep with something stuck to your face, but the continuous beeping in your ear makes it borderline impossible.

Beep… beep… beep…

Maybe it’s one of those alarms that keeps going until you solve some sort of puzzle or something. You tried installing one of those on your phone at one point, but Piotr had to keep solving them to turn the alarm off because you’d sleep through the damn thing anyway, which kind of defeated the purpose of getting a special alarm to begin with.

Beep… beep… beep…

No…

Beep… beep… beep…

No, wait…

Beep… beep… beep…

That’s a pulse monitor.

Aw, shit.

You open your eyes with a slight snort and peer up into blinding whiteness.

You’re in a hospital room. Fucking fantastic.

“Easy, easy,” someone says –it’s Piotr, you recognize his voice even if you can’t see him—while you shield your eyes against the lights. “Hold still. I will turn lights down.”

You relax as the lights dim down to a more respectable level, then start trying to look around for your boyfriend –except you can’t really move; every single movement –even down to the twitch of your fingers—feels like you’re swimming through molasses.

Then there’s the sensation of the bed dipping on your left side, and Piotr’s face appears in your field of vision.

He cups your face gently in his hands, rubbing your cheeks with the utmost delicacy. He’s smiling, but his baby blue eyes are watering with unshed tears. “Privet, myshka. How are you feeling?”

You try to reply, but you can feel the thing on your face somewhat impeding the movement of your face. You try to reach towards it to move it away, but you have all the limb coordination of a newborn giraffe at the moment.

“Careful, careful,” Piotr cautions, taking your hand in his. “Oxygen mask. You were having difficulty breathing.”

Well. That explains that.

“Where… am I?” you rasp as you try to get your bearings.

“Hospital,” Piotr says. “You… you had seizure from cocaine. They had to give you some drugs to calm you down.”

You frown as you try to piece together what he’s saying. “I… can’t remember…”

“It is okay. Doctors said that might happen. Speaking of which—” he picks up the little remote attached to your bed “—I need to call your nurse so she can check on you.”

***

The full story is such: you inhaled enough cocaine to cause an overdose, and that combined with the interaction between the coke and your meds caused you to experience psychosis before you started seizing. You blacked out when the seizure started, then lost consciousness when you started convulsing. Fortunately, the convulsions only started when you were two minutes away from the hospital. The team there was able to treat you almost immediately –with bendodiazepines, which is a fun word to say—and put you in a room for observations once they were able to stop the effects of the seizure and the overdose.

You don’t remember anything that happened on the jet, and barely anything from the mission itself or the incident in the warehouse –which, all things considered, might be for the best. You’ve got enough traumatic memories to deal with as is.

All in all, you’re tired. Between the mission, the overdose, the seizure, and the drugs they gave you to calm your body down, you feel like you’ve been awake for a week straight. You manage to stay conscious while the nurse checks you over and ascertains your memory recall –average, considering what you went through—but once she leaves, you’re out like a light.

You wake up a couple other times –once to go to the bathroom, once because Piotr sneezes—but otherwise you remain konked out well into the evening, when you wake up to a quiet cacophony of voices in your room.

At first, you almost right it off as having some sort of strange dream or semi-conscious auditory hallucination –except you pick up on that the voices are speaking Russian, and hey!

You open your eyes, and sure enough the rest of the Rasputin family is in your room, greeting Piotr and speaking to him and hushed, worried Russian.

Illyana, unsurprisingly, notices you’re awake first. “Hey.

Piotr’s by your side in an instant, pressing a gentle kiss against your forehead. “Privet, sleepyhead. How are you?”

“Really hungry,” you say, which is punctuated by your stomach gurgling. “Can I eat something?”

He kisses your forehead again before standing. “I will go ask nurse.”

Alexandra takes his spot as he strides out of the room, clasping your hand in hers and rubbing gentle circles on the back of it. “How are you, malen'kaya ptitsa?”

“Drugged as fuck,” you answer with a tiny smile. “I can’t… can’t remember most of what happened.”

“That is what medvezhonok said. He sounded very panicked over the phone.”

“It was pretty bad, apparently,” you say.

Mikhail grunts in agreement. “Uppers and antidepressants do not mix.” He holds up his hands defensively when Alexandra and Nikolai pin him with sharp looks. “Not speaking from experience! Just saying.”

You chuckle tiredly, then refocus on Alexandra. “Why are you guys here? I thought you were in Russia.”

“We were,” Nikolai pipes up. “We get call, then we come.”

You frown as you try to do the math. “But… the flight…”

“We teleport in emergencies,” Alex says with a conspiratorial wink. “Medvezhonok needs us. As do you. We are here to help until you’re back on your feet.”

You smile at them, chest swelling with appreciation and love. “Thank you.”

Alex just shakes her head and pats your hand. “We are family. It’s what we do.”

***

The doctor on rotation comes in while you’re eating dinner. He checks your chart, asks you and Piotr a few questions about your medical history, then delivers what just might be the worst news of your life.

“I’m going to be here for a week?”

Okay, maybe ‘worst news of your life’ is a touch dramatic, but still.

“It’s standard practice with seizure patients,” he explains. “We need to make sure you’re stable, especially since it’ll take time for the cocaine to leave your system and you’re on antidepressants. Speaking of which, how familiar are you with drug withdrawal?”

You frown. “I mean… I’ve had painkillers after surgeries before.”

He quirks his mouth to one side, then shakes his head. “Not quite what I mean. You might experienced some minor side effects with that, but cocaine withdrawal is an entirely different beast. Even with your advanced constitution, you’re going to be in a world of hurt for a while.”

“What are we looking at?” Piotr asks.

“Well, typically, cocaine crash happens within the first week after taking the dose. Users who crash often go through various psychological side effects –increased anxiety, irritability and depressive symptoms—along with physical ones –chills, impaired coordination, exhaustion, and so on. Weeks one through four usually constitute the withdrawal part of the process. Again, there’s more of the symptoms I just mentioned, but also an uptick in nightmares, muscle and nerve pain, and difficulty concentrating. She’s basically going to need intensive care from her support system during the withdrawal process; there’s a reason why most centers that help people get clean are live-in facilities.”

“But I’ve never even done anything recreational before,” you insist. “I barely even drink.”

“And that’s definitely in your favor. The fact that you don’t have any preexisting habits puts you ahead of the game. But drug withdrawals severely impact brain chemistry,” the doctor explains patiently. “You’re not going to be yourself or think like you usually do. Your brain will be going through a depletion of endorphins, especially dopamine, and it’s going to drive you to possibly do some incredibly risky things to get more.”

“How do we keep her safe?” Piotr asks, expression concerned.

“Close supervision, for one. Making sure she’s comfortable, that she has the assistance she needs, and that she’s not isolated are going to be key. Keeping her closely in touch with her therapist or someone who specializes with helping addicts with be important, too.”

“But I’m not an addict,” you argue.

“You’re not, but specialists have more experience addressing the problems you’ll be facing. The goal is to help you as effectively as possible. Also, make a point to limit any other substances she could have access to –alcohol, prescription drugs, even over the counter stuff. People who do cocaine often try to get another hit by switching over to a different drug, and we don’t want to risk further complications. Do you live with her?”

Piotr nods.

“Good. You need to be in control of her medication until she’s completely recovered. I know it sounds ridiculous,” he adds when you make a noise of protest, “but this is a deathly serious situation. The odds of you overdosing via trying to get another high are exponentially higher right now. This is about keeping you safe.”

“But I don’t need to get another high!” you insist. “I’m fine!”

The doctor sighs and braces his forearms against his knees. “You inhaled a lot of cocaine when you fell into that vat. Between that and the benzodiazepines we gave you to stop the overdose seizure, you’re still high right now. You aren’t feeling any withdrawal symptoms because your body still has a lot of drugs in its system. Believe me, when they do hit, you will feel them and want to do anything to make them stop.” He favors you with a sympathetic smile. “This isn’t about you being a bad person, or an addict, or anything like that. The situation was an accident, and your intentions are good, but cocaine is a serious drug. All of this is for your safety, I promise you.”

You sigh –and reach for Piotr’s hand because all of this is more than a little terrifying—and nod. “Okay. What happens when I go back home?”

“I’ve instructed Dr. McCoy to keep you in observation for another three days, just to make sure your antidepressants are still interacting properly with your system. If all of that goes well, you’ll be free to resume normal life –under supervision, of course.”

You do your best not to pout. It’s for my own safety. “How long do I have to be supervised for?”

“Cocaine stays in the system for a long time. While withdrawal symptoms usually stop around the fourth week, the elimination stage –which is where the drug starts fully leaving your system and the risk of relapsing gets progressively smaller—can take up to five weeks on its own. Given that you have a slight healing factor and that you don’t have any other substance abuse problems, I would wager you might shave a week off of that cumulative total, but not much more than that.”

You grimace. “Ten weeks? I have to be supervised for ten weeks?”

“The supervision can be less restrictive as you progress through the weeks of the elimination phase, but yes, essentially. I’d advise setting rewards and goals for yourself at each milestone to help things progress better. The hospital staff will be providing you with some information about drug withdrawal and treatment before you leave; it should have suggestions for some good milestones to implement.”

You sigh, then look over at Piotr. “Here’s hoping you don’t get sick of me in that time.”

He smiles fondly at you and kisses your cheek. “Never.”

***

Withdrawal hits like a bitch.

You’re cold. Downright freezing. No matter how many blankets you shiver under, you can’t get warm.

The monitor you’re hooked up to, however, says that your temperature is staying at a healthy level, the lying little bitch.

“I swear to Danny Devito that thing is mocking me,” you grumble as you eye the readout of the traitorous device. “There’s no way my temperature’s normal.”

“Give it time, myshka,” Piotr says as he loads up a spoon with more ‘berry blast’ yogurt; your coordination is still completely tanked, so he’s taken to feeding you for the time being like the absolute angel he is. “You will feel better eventually.”

You groan and grudgingly eat more yogurt. “I just want to feel better now.”

“I know, moya lyubov’. I know.”

***

The anxiety is worse.

Even though you’re still on your anti-depressants –score one to the latent healing factor and overall hardiness mutation there, if you’d had to go off those too you might’ve lost your mind—the crash and slow withdrawals from the coke you’d accidentally taken is enough to put you on a knife blade’s edge. You feel like you’re continually one split second away from a panic attack, no matter how much deep breathing or meditating you do.

Fortunately for you, though, Piotr is a dedicated partner and fiancé who knows just about every trick in the books to help you relax. He has Ellie –who has her license now, which is kind of hard to believe, you swear she just turned sixteen yesterday—bring your favorite movies from the house and generally helps you stay distracted. When you do tip over into a panic attack, he’s right by your side and stays there until you ride it out.

You’re not sure where you’d be without him –here, and in life in general.

***

The exhaustion, however, is what really kills it.

You can’t remember a time where you’ve ever been more tired. Missions, flying out to your uncles, your various escape attempts, flying to the X-Mansion for the first time, escaping kidnapping attempts, that one time you decided to stay awake for three days because Piotr was off on a mission and it sounded like fun and then he came back home to you being borderline delirious and attempting to cook Bagel Bites in the toaster (sorry, Piotr)…

It goes past being just “tired.” You’re exhausted all the way down to your bones, to the point where you can barely move or eat or do anything, and no amount of sleeping makes it better.

Worse still is that Piotr seems determined to keep you on a somewhat normal sleep cycle –which, okay, you need to be on one for the sake of your mental health, but you’re so damn tired that it almost seems pointless.

You sob when he rouses you from yet another nap. “Please,” you beg, “please, baby, I’m so tired, just let me sleep…”

Piotr wipes away your tears and kisses your forehead gently. “I know, moya lyubov’, but it is not good to sleep all day. Besides, it is time to eat.”

“I don’t want to,” you weep. “I just want to sleep, please just let me sleep!”

He hugs you gently, careful not to disrupt the hookup to the heart monitor, and presses his lips to the top of your head. “I know, but you need to take medication. Besides, I brought your favorite.”

You pry your eyes open, sniffling –and sure enough, he’s brought a food container from home stuffed with chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, the works. “Can I sleep after I eat?”

“After a bit. You should try to stay awake for little bit.”

You whimper and try to turn away from him. “No—”

“I know, I know.” He smooths your hair away from your face in a soothing fashion. “And I am so sorry, moya lyubov’, but you know it’s best for you.”

You sniff inelegantly, then turn back towards him and take the box. “Fine. But I’m not sharing my bacon.”

Piotr chuckles and kisses your temple. “Whatever helps you get through it, myshka.”

(You wind up sharing your bacon anyway.)

***

Despite your misery, the week passes quickly enough –which probably has to do with your general disorientation regarding the passage of time, what with your exhaustion and all, which only adds to your suffering.

The Rasputin family takes various turns watching over you and keeping you company while Piotr gets sleep or attends to his duties as an X-Men and general overseeing adult at the Institute. Mikhail and Alexandra teach you the finer points of playing Poker without losing like a scrub, Nikolai tells various stories about growing up in Russia and his kids’ early lives, and Illyana pops in from time to time to just keep you company –more often than not, with Kitty in tow as well.

Ellie even drives Russell and Yukio over and figures out how to hookup her Wii to the TV in your room so the four of you can play. Your skills at Mario Kart are none too improved by your impaired coordination –but, considering you were pretty shit at it to begin with, not too much of your game play is changed overall.

Conspicuously absent, however, are Nate and Wade. You’ve gathered that Wade is still pretty freaked out by the whole thing and is generally avoiding Piotr and his family at all rational –and irrational, because Wade—costs, and that Nate is babysitting him to make sure he doesn’t go on a reign of panic-induced destruction, if the texts he sent to Piotr are to be believed.

Which, honestly, is probably the best thing for Nathan to be doing right now. Wade gets extremely unpredictable when he’s stressed out; having Nate around is basically the only way to ensure he doesn’t attempt to “liberate” the zoo again –or, worse, do something hurt himself.

Either way, after one week of observation, you’re discharged with a few hefty bills, a thick pamphlet of information about recovering from withdrawals and what to look out for, and strict instructions to take it easy and for other adults to keep a close eye on you.

And then you’re taken home and veritably shunted into another hospital bed for another three days of observation.

Honestly, fuck your life.

***

Granted, things could be worse. You’re surrounded by your friends and family, you can afford the bills you’ve accrued from this whole shitshow, you’ve got medical staff used to dealing with the special conditions that come attached with your mutant status, and you don’t have a past addiction to deal with on top of all this.

And gratitude is good, as is perspective, but sometimes suffering is suffering –constantly making sure your attitude is justified is exhausting and nigh impossible.

Plus, you’ve hit a second wave of side effects: freakish nightmares and full body pain! Fantastic!

(To be read as: not fantastic.)

Piotr’s by your side when you wake up with a whimper. “What’s wrong, moya dusha?”

“Nightmare,” you groan, waving your hand dismissively. “Just… weird.” You blink a few times, then peer at him, confused. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

“Not quite,” he says. “Mikhail will switch off with me soon.” He smoothes your hair back, then kisses your forehead. “How do you feel?”

“Like shit.” You wince, then try to reposition yourself as aches run through your body –not to any particular avail, since the pain seems to run straight through your bones and out the other side.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere.”

He tsks quietly –a habit you’ve learned he picked up from Nikolai—and starts rubbing your hands and forearms.

And it does help you feel better, just a little.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble tiredly.

“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“Just… you have to deal with all this. It’s so much. You don’t deserve that.”

“And you don’t deserve to be dealing with withdrawals or any of it. Besides—” he kisses the bridge of your nose “—we are going to be married soon. That means ‘for better or worse, in sickness and health.’”

“I’m pretty sure whoever created those vows didn’t have ‘accidentally falling into a giant vat of cocaine’ in mind when they wrote them,” you mutter.

Piotr snorts, quietly. “Perhaps not, but principle is same. Besides, I love you. This is no burden.”

“There is an objective level of burden here, Piotr. Even if you don’t mind it, you’re still dealing with a lot.”

Piotr goes quiet for a moment, then concedes with a nod and small smile. “Fair enough –but as you said, I do not mind. You are my fiancée and love of my life. I would sacrifice much more for you than what I have to do with this.”

You lean towards him –even though it sends stabs of pain all over your body, but you can’t be assed to care right now—and kiss his shoulder. “Well, here’s hoping you don’t have to.”

***

Your uncle shows up on the second day of observation at the X-Mansion.

He practically tumbles into the room you’re staying in, hair wet and t-shirt somewhat askew, but otherwise in one piece. “What the fuck happened?”

You stare at him, agape. “What are you doing here? Why are you wet?”

“Alex called me. Said you were in the hospital. I flew out as soon as I finished my most recent mission,” he explains in a rush. “Showered first. I figured you guys would appreciate that.”

“Uh, yeah. Probably.” You frown when you notice him swaying a little on his feet. “When was the last time you slept? Or ate anything?”

“Oh, come on, I’m not that hopeless. It was…” His voice trails off as he starts ticking off numbers on his fingers, which stops shortly after as his face goes blank, which in turn is punctuated by a simultaneous yawn and shockingly loud gurgle from his stomach.

Piotr bites back a snort –Mikhail doesn’t bother—and stands. “I can—”

“Nyet, nyet,” Nikolai interjects as he stands. He says something else in Russian, nodding to you with a smile, kisses Alex on the forehead, then clasps your uncle’s shoulder as he walks out of the room.

“What’d he say?” you ask Piotr as he sits back down in the seat next to your bed.

“Just that I should stay with you.” He lifts your hand to his mouth and kisses the back of it.

“Right. Okay.” Your uncle plops haphazardly into a seat provided by Mikhail, scrubs his face with his hands, then gives you a slightly crazed look that you suspect is mostly fueled by exhaustion-induced delirium. “What happened?”

You look at Piotr, then shrug. “Uh… I accidentally fell into a vat of cocaine and overdosed.”

“…What?”

***

Wade finally shows up three days after Dr. McCoy releases you into Piotr’s –along with his family’s and your uncle’s—care.

Which isn’t to say that he necessarily shows up of his own volition.

“Nate! Put me down you time traveling, infinity scarf wearing, fuck-boi haircut sporting bastard! I’m fucking serious! I’ll chop off my testicles and hide them under your pillow –again!”

“Like you said, wouldn’t be the first time!”

“Nathan Charles Elizabeth Craigory Sam-becca Summers, so fucking help me—”

You and Piotr watch –along with Mikhail, who’s basically on the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter at this point—as Nathan forcibly carries Wade into your room –and, in a moment of predictable and yet somehow unpredictable desperation, Wade tries to brace himself against the doorframe like a dog who doesn’t want to get into the bath and is doing everything they can to avoid getting wet.

“You fucking cheater!” Wade gasps when Nathan uses his telekinesis to force Wade’s arms and legs forward. “You can’t just do that!”

“Can and did, sweetheart.” Nathan grunts as he sets Wade on the floor, facing your bed –which is where you currently are, propped up on a bunch of pillows. “Time to face the music, darling.”

“Absolutely not. Ryan Reynolds couldn’t make me face my emotions, and neither can you.”

“Wade,” Piotr says softly. “Talk to us. What is wrong?”

Wade looks pointedly at the ceiling and groans. “Ugh, why does he have to be so gentle? So caring? He’s like if the Pillsbury Doughboy and modern therapy conventions had a lovechild.”

Mikhail blinks slowly as he tries to process the sentence. “Pills-berry… what?”

You just shake your head at him.

“Wade,” Piotr says, a little more serious this time. “Please. This is serious matter.”

Nathan takes Wade’s hand and squeezes it gently when the other man looks pointedly at the floor. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

“I fucked up,” Wade says after a moment. “It’s… it’s my fault.”

A mildly pained expression crosses Piotr’s face. “What did you break? Did –Wade, if you had another run in with soap dispensers—”

“No! Although, I do need to refill mine back at home; thanks for reminding me.”

“I refilled our soap dispenser yesterday. With actual soap,” Nathan retorts in the tone of someone who is deeply in love but also deeply annoyed. “And stick to the point, sweetheart.”

Wade fidgets for a moment, then looks to Nate for reassurance, then sighs when the gray-haired man nods. “What happened with Y/N. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have even had her in the warehouse. I know the ins and outs of coke, I know it’s dangerous to people who take antidepressants, I should’ve sent her out with you—”

“Wade,” Piotr says gently, cutting the scarred man off before he can dive too deeply into guilt. “What happened was an accident. I know that, Y/N knows that, we all know that. In fact, if you had not been there, she probably would have been in much worse danger. By all accounts, you helped save her life –so, thank you.”

Wade purses his lips, but manages a small nod before looking at you. “Can I talk to you for a minute? If you’re feeling up to it?”

You nod, then pat Piotr’s shoulder. “I’ll be alright.”

Piotr kisses your forehead, then stands and motions for Mikhail to follow him out –which the eldest Rasputin does without question or complaint.

Nate kisses Wade on the temple, then follows the two brothers into the hall.

You pat an open spot on the bed. “Come sit.”

Wade does, sighing heavily and curling forward so his forehead is resting against your shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” he breathes. “I never wanted anything like this to happen to you.”

“It’s okay,” you murmur, hugging him. “You took good care of me afterwards –and, like Piotr said, it’s not your fault.”

Wade laughs thinly. “Not gonna lie, I was pretty sure he was going to kill me when Nate dragged me over here.”

“Nathan would never let that happen,” you chuckle. “And Piotr wouldn’t do that, either. You drive him a little crazy, but he knows when you’ve instigated something and when you haven’t.”

“I’m always instigating something.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah,” Wade concedes with a sigh. He sits up and gives you a half-hearted smile. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like shit,” you groan. “Withdrawals are a bitch. Cravings, too.”

“Yeah,” Wade says with a chuckle. “Those go away a lot faster when you have a healing factor.”

“Lucky you.” You latch onto his hand. “I didn’t think I’d even get cravings. I’ve never even done drugs before.”

Wade shrugs. “It’s not necessarily about coke; it’s about the dopamine and serotonin. It just becomes a coke thing because of how much gets unleashed on the brain when you take coke.”

“And here you say you aren’t smart,” you tease him.

“I snorted six kilos of cocaine in three minutes after ‘Nessa died,” Wade grumbles. “If that didn’t teach me anything about coke and the brain, nothing would.”

You grimace slightly. “That’s not healthy.”

“Yeah, well, Nathan made me get rid of my stash, so don’t worry. Can’t do anything anymore.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

“Says who?”

“Scientists and doctors everywhere. And also Nathan.”

Wade huffs, though there’s no real anger behind the noise. “Well, I know who I’m listening to.” He pauses, then smiles and checks you gently with his shoulder. “Love you, sis.”

You grin and check him back –well, as much as you can in your state. “Love you, too, bro.”

***

Here are the resources I used when writing this fic:

Cocaine:

-https://www.drugfreeworld.org/drugfacts/cocaine/effects-of-cocaine.html

-https://drugabuse.com/cocaine/effects-use/

-https://drug.addictionblog.org/how-long-does-cocaine-last/

-https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/cocaine-addiction/withdrawal-detox/#gref

-https://www.thefix.com/content/ask-expert-which-street-drugs-dont-mix-antidepressants

-https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/drugs-recreational-drugs-alcohol/recreational-drugs-medication/#.XTWlDOhKjIU

-https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/cocaine-addiction/cocaine-overdose/#gref

-https://www.mentalhelp.net/substance-abuse/cocaine/overdose/

-https://deserthopetreatment.com/drug-overdose/how-much-cocaine/

Drug-induced seizures:

-https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4767205/

Epilepsy (for general understanding on seizures):

-https://www.epilepsy.com/start-here/about-epilepsy-basics/what-happens-during-seizure

-http://wwwp.medtronic.com/Newsroom/LinkedItemDetails.do?itemId=1160041417054&itemType=fact_sheet&lang=en_IN

#sass writes #piotr rasputin x reader #colossus x reader #cablepool #nathan summers x wade wilson #alexandra rasputin x nikolai rasputin #tw: drug overdose #tw: seizure #tw:drugs #tw: cocaine #tw: hospital #this is an angst fic #make no mistake #angst angst angst #x men fanfiction #deadpool fanfiction

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winters-orbit · 5 years

Text

My Thoughts on Endgame: A Very Spoiler-Heavy Review

Yeah we’re talking about pretty much all of it, so buckle up.

Alright y’all, here we go. I saw endgame yesterday, and I think I’ve finally compiled all of my thoughts. So a couple things before I start.

1. There will be VERY heavy spoilers, like, so many. I have tagged this post with every tag I can figure out about spoilers, and I’m starting this post with stating it. If you have not seen the movie and don’t want spoilers, please do not read this post. I feel I have warned you sufficiently, so don’t get mad at me.

2. This is going to be a really LONG and in depth post. I apologize, but I need to talk about this.

3. If I refer to the people making the movie, I am talking about both the Russo’s and Markus & McFeely. I feel that all four of them were involved enough to lump them altogether.

4. This is likely not going to be a super positive post, so know that.

5. I may have a few controversial opinions. I’m not here to attack anyone’s opinions personally. These are just mine. I’m totally willing to have a civil discussion about stuff.

Now that we know where we all are. I’m gonna start off with what I thought were the positives.

· Steve wielding Mjolnir. HOLY SHIT. I think that is literally my new favorite shot in the MCU. Steve standing there with the Hammer and his shield honestly took my comic loving ass’s breath away.

· A bit of an extension of that last point, but the wide shot of Steve standing there alone, facing all of Thanos and his army? Hot damn? That was such a beautiful shot.

· Most of the movie before the five years later was what I’m going to sum up as ‘pretty good’, i.e. I don’t have too many complaints.

· “That is America’s Ass” (do I need to explain this one?)

· Natasha basically holding everything together for 5 years, just trying to hold herself together when Steve walks in? Wow, break my heart why don’t you.

· AVENGERS….assemble.

· Falcon saying on your left

· Strange looking at Tony before the end and slowly holding up one finger.

· Scott’s breakdown and frantically looking for Cassie’s name on the memorial (Like, shout out to Paul Rudd’s acting there, cause damn I felt that)

· Captain Marvel (and here’s where we get controversial kids) was in the movie very minimally

Look, I’m sure there’s some other good stuff that I’m just not remembering. But that’s the stuff that really stuck out to me.

OHHHHHHKAY, deep breath because here we go. I want to start off talking about tone. For me, it was all over the place. Phase 3 as a whole in the MCU has been really tonally off for me. I know this is not a common opinion, because everyone I saw this movie with had the humor really land for them. Still, for me I felt the humor was really off. It always feels jarring to me when they juxtapose death with a joke.

Now that we’ve gotten tone out of the way. Let me go through by characters. Because this movie really suffered as far as characterization and plot. So let’s talk characters first.

Tony:

Gotta really preface this one. I have never really liked Tony as a character. So take everything I say with that in mind. This is going to sound biased.

So- three big things for me as far as Tony.

1. It REALLY bothers me that Tony would just fuck off for five years. (Look this one is really biased, I can acknowledge that) After being the one to always be about winning no matter what, Pepper even says something along the lines of would you be able to live with yourself? So the idea of him just leaving and not helping even remotely rubs me the wrong way. And apparently all it took was seeing a picture of Peter to change his mind? Idk not sold.

a. This didn’t really fit anywhere else but I wanted to touch on it because it bothered me. But WHAT THE FRESH FUCK do you mean by reverse the Mobius strip. WHAT. The WHOLE point of a Mobius strip is that there is only ONE side. (Like I know this doesn’t matter literally at all but hot damn does it fire me up for no reason)

2. Tony & Howard. Let’s discuss. I’m honestly really confused what they (see preface #3) were going for with this interaction. The way I always read the relationship was that Howard was very neglectful and emotionally manipulative. The MCU has never given me the impression that the two had a good relationship. So, what was this interaction supposed to be? Was it supposed to be closure? Idk I have a hard time figuring this scene. If you have thoughts on this one let me know.

3. Alright, Tony doing the final snap. We gotta talk. I know this was more of an MCU thing. Like I get that Tony started the MCU so it fits that he would be the one to end this arc. But I am just personally really mad that I don’t think Nebula got the closure she deserved as a character. I guess you could argue that killing her ‘alternate timeline’ (oh don’t worry, we’ll get to that) self is ‘closure’ but she didn’t even get to try and fight Thanos. After everything he did to her, and after killing Gamora, I felt she deserved something. Basically, Tony performing the snap made no sense in context of character arc (like everything in this damn movie), and it should’ve been someone else.

a. I’m not sure how I feel about Tony dying. Not sure it worked for his arc but I’m sort of happy that this will be a moving on for the MCU.

Steve:

I wish I could articulate through text the incredibly deep and long sigh that I just gave. Steve they did you dirty.

You know what we’re talking about, but let me say it anyway with a couple Fuck’s just to let me vent. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE ENDING. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN. HOW THE FUCK DID THEY THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA. WHY THE FUCK DID THEY RUIN HIM LIKE THAT.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that I’ve gotten that out of the way. Let’s talk about this a little more calmly. I’m so disappointed. I feel like everyone else has done this in more detail and since I’ve already be working on this for like an hour, I’m going to try and summarize this.

Steve’s entire arc was about moving on from whatever bad things have happened in the past and still being a good person. It’s about learning how finding new people and having new experiences can help you grow from whatever has happened to you in the past. It is so incredibly frustrating to watch them throw that away. Peggy and Steve never dated, at least as far as what the MCU showed us. Peggy died, she had a good fulfilling life. She moved on. She tells Steve later that she has no regrets about her life, only that he didn’t get to live his.

Beyond that what about Bucky, Sam, Natasha, even Fury and Tony, and the rest of the Avengers. So he just threw all of those relationships away?

Side tangent. Bucky should’ve been the new Cap. Don’t get me wrong, Sam Wilson is incredible and I think he’ll be great. But damn they did Bucky just as dirty. I think it makes more sense to have Bucky be the new Cap. Bucky is also a super soldier. He has a form of serum and could actually do what Steve did. Sam is not a super soldier (as far as the MCU) and he, while still an incredible fighter, just isn’t as powerful as Steve was.

Anyway, I’m bitter, I’m mad, and I’m so incredibly disappointed that this is the message they went for as Steve’s farewell to the MCU.

Thor

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy. What did they (I’m including Hemsworth this time too) do to you Thor. I feel like I must preface that I did not like Ragnorok. However I did think that the character arc they had for Thor was good.

Two major things:

1. We gotta talk about the weight. This is another thing where I just don’t get where they were going with it. They have completely destroyed whatever character the MCU was trying to build. Why has the fucking GOD OF THUNDER been reduced to a constant punchline? Wow.

a. Also yeah, we also gotta touch on Fornite. Fucking yikes Marvel. That is not going to age well. This is just super cringe worthy and another one of those tone issues I was talking about.

2. He left Asgard?????? The Fuck? After everything that’s happened he’s just going to dick around with the guardians?

a. Don’t get me wrong Val is going to kick ass

b. Also let me tell you, I am not looking forward to Thor being in guardians 3. I literally cannot stand the interactions between Peter Quill and Thor and I am dreading the next guardians now.

Other people have definitely gone into further depth when it comes to Thor so I feel like it’s been covered.

Bruce

I don’t like it, I don’t have a solution, but I don’t like it.

Natasha

Damn I feel like a broken record, but Nat they did you dirty. She did not deserve to die. Like I said in the positives section, she literally held the Avengers together for FIVE years when it was very clear that Tony and Bruce had fucked off and Steve was busy helping individuals. I think she was pretty damn redeemed. Like shit the whole series is her trusting people and finding a family in the Avengers.

Clint

Aight so let’s get it out there. Clint is one of my favorite characters of ALL time. Yeah I’m biased. I will never deny that. I have been bitching since 2012 that the MCU has destroyed Clint. This movie is no exception. I’m kinda just talking about the whole soul stone scene here. As soon as I saw that it was Clint and Nat going to Voromir, I knew Nat was dying. I literally gasped in the theatre and covered my mouth as I quietly chanted no no no no no. My friend sitting next to me didn’t get it but I wasn’t about to tell him. Both of them deserved so much better and yes I’m hardcore Clintasha and have been since 2012. So them fighting over who was going to sacrifice themself absolutely destroyed me.

So thanks Marvel, I hate it.

That’s the O6. I don’t have major thoughts on every secondary character, but I do on one.

Scott

Hot damn, this is really personally to me. But why is Scott always portrayed as an idiot, the butt of a joke. The man literally has a MASTERS IN ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING. As someone who is about to get an undergraduate degree in mechanical engineering this really pisses me off. Just because he doesn’t understand quantum mechanics he’s treated like a joke. AGHHAHGHAGHAGH

Alright folks let’s do it. Let’s talk plot.

I’m of the opinion that time travel is never good for a series. It opens to many doors and makes to many confusing problems.

I cannot stand how they’ve defined the rules of time travel in this. They actually just made it a get out of jail free card and then they broke them anyway? I’m honestly just tired and confused at this point.

What happened to Loki when he disappeared with the space stone? How did Thanos come to a future where he was already dead when the Doctor Strange movie implied you can’t travel past your death?

Why were we denied seeing everyone snap back into existence? You really denied us all those reunions. So much of the movie was slow and quiet, why couldn’t that have been too.

How the fuck did none of them die when Thanos blew up Avengers headquarters?

What are the implications of all the timelines they created (oh wait the movie decided that all established movie time travel rules are dumb because we want to write without concern)? A 2012 where Steve knows about Bucky but Hydra thinks he’s on their side? What did Hank Pym do when he found out a bunch of his particles were taken? Was Howard different as a father because of a talk he had with that same son? How the fuck are Peter and all his friends still the same age?

Marvel you simply cannot do shit like this. You can’t throw out established rules simply because your story wouldn’t work without changing them. NEWS FLASH that means your story is shitty. Get better at writing or don’t use time travel. You can’t ignore stuff like butterfly effect. Or simply disregard changing your own past. You can’t just say ‘alternate timeline’ and solve it. Are you opening up the MCU to the multiverse? Or is this just a contrivance for your plot to work.

In conclusion TL:DR there was a good movie in here somewhere. But the plot was so riddle with holes and mistakes. They threw out character in favor of fan service. All of the years of work that was put in to build these characters is now out the window. I hope you’re happy Marvel.

Agree with me? Cool. Don’t Agree? Cool. I’m glad some people actually like the movie. Is this everything I wanted to say? No, I’m probably forgetting something. But here’s a lot of how I felt.

#endgame #spoilers #endgame spoilers #anti endgame #a4 spoilers #avengers engame spoilers #avengers 4 spoilers #avengers: endgame spoilers #avengers endgame #avengers: endgame #not my steve rogers

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princess-leia-organa-solo · 7 years

Text

My crappy Literature teacher or why I don’t give a single F.

Okay, so a little heads up first. For those of you who do not like long rants and lots of venting – you might want to skip this. For the ones that are intrigued – here it goes but it’s long.

*Might contain Harry Potter references!

So, here begins my extremely angry rant:

This is a story featuring a presentation about the monuments of Ancient Greece, another about the Greek mythology in the arts and a crappy teacher. Hope you find it interesting! :)

We'll need the names of three of my classmates. We’ll name them Narcissa, Bella and Lilly. And of course there's also the crappy Literature teacher – we’ll name her Mrs. Umbridge.

First I’ll start off by telling you guys about the schedule. We have classes with Umbridge twice a week: two hours on Tuesday and one on Friday.

So, last week the teacher says: "I want two teams of two people each to make presentations about the Greek mythology in the arts and about the monuments of Ancient Greece.".

So Narcissa and Bella were picked to do the presentation about the myths featured in the arts. And me and Lilly had to make the one about the monuments. These tasks were given on Tuesday last week (3rd of October).

Fast forward to the evening of Friday (the 6th of October) when I got sick. For two days and a half I had a fever and couldn't get out of bed (believe me this is relevant).

Originally the presentations were for Tuesday (the 10th of October), but I was still ill and didn't go to school. However, I was feeling a lot better on Wednesday. So when i woke up I started working on the presentation. I wrote about Athens, the Acropolis, the Parthenon and Sparta and made the Powerpoint presentation with the pictures and everything.

Over the next two days I wrote about Alexandria, the Library of Alexandria and about the lighthouse of Alexandria. Lilly wrote about Theba, Ephesus, Pergam and the mausoleum in Halicarnas.

Also the other two girls had done their presentation while i was sick and, as I found out from Lilly, it was only five minutes long. And sure enough I'm thinking "We're putting so much effort into this! We're gonna crush them!" and I start working even harder and feel even more motivated than I already was.

So anyway, Friday the 13th comes, Lilly and I are ready to present our work, that had taken us THREE WHOLE DAYS, we have overcome the technical problems and everything is ready.

The first two hours on Friday we had Informatics. Literature was our third class. So we walk into the classroom, both overwhelmed and anxious because the teacher is awful and scary, and over the ten-minute break we set my laptop up, connect it to the projector – you know, all the technical stuff..

And then the bell rings. The teacher walks in and Lilly and I are already on the board, ready to start. Then the teacher gives us a nasty, poisonous look and says "Sit down, first we have to do some work". We do so and it's finally our turn to talk. And please, note that until the end of the class there were 25 minutes left (this is also important).

So before we start two girls from another class get called in by the teacher to listen to us and see "how they should have done their presentation". Lilly starts by greeting everyone and introducing the topic. Then I read what I had written about Athens, the Acropolis and the Parthenon. Just as I was about to continue about Sparta, it happened. The teacher interrupted me with the words "Okay, that's enough! You should have made your presentation much shorter! This is not the way you should have done it! Why didn't you tell us about every pebble in Athens?! Your classmates are bored and don’t want to listen to you anymore!".And that was said with the nastiest tone EVER. Now, I wasn’t really looking at my classmates because I’m usually horrified of speaking in front of an audience bigger than 10 people… But I couldn’t help myself but think “Are my classmates bored, or are you?”. The presentation wasn't even that long! It was 15 slides – this is totally appropriate! Plus, I did my part of the project under my mother's guidance, as the woman does a sh** load of presentations, because she's a professor in university. So she f***ing knows how it’s done!

So the crappy teacher makes us pass on to something else. We had a lot more things we'd written about, and we read about two sentences about each, as she was rudely interrupting us and making us go faster. Then she told us to sit down. And I could already feel the tears in my eyes and I was trying super hard not to cry and to not have a mental breakdown in front of the whole class. Meanwhile Umbridge was explaining to us that it should've been shorter, that we should've presented it in FIVE minutes etc.

But the thing is she had given us this plan with all those cultural monuments and she didn't tell us to pick just one! Or even just two! She told us to "make a presentation about the most famous monuments of Ancient Greece" – in general. And that's exactly what we did! First of all, it is impossible to present all that in only five minutes. Second of all, she didn't specify she wanted it to be five minutes long. I AM NOT A BLOODY MIND READER OR PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING!!! GET YOUR SH** TOGETHER MRS. UMBRIDGE!!!

Then she proceeded to humiliate me and Lilly, saying we didn't follow her instructions properly and was asking the class to confirm she had, in fact, specified about the bloody five minutes. Everyone said "Yes", because she was already really mad with us and the others didn't want to make it worse. And do have in mind that I was legitimately tearing up at this point. So the teacher asked me "Why are you reacting in such a manner, Antonia? Why are you so upset? That happens when you don't follow my instructions properly. You've no right to be upset!". So naturally I said that I'm not upset, but my trembling voice gave me away. So Mrs. Umbridge says "Yes, you are upset. You're crying." in front the whole class. Like I wasn’t humiliated enough already! While she was talking I managed to take a deep breath and answer "Nope. I'm fine".

As I said, when we started with the presentation we had about 25 minutes left ‘til the end of the class. With Lilly we wouldn't have taken more than 15-20 minutes tops. In reality we were up in front of the class for less than 10 minutes. Then Mrs. Umbridge spent around 15 minutes being disappointed form us for “disobeying” her. Did she realize that for those 15 minutes we could’ve finished with our bloody presentation?!?

So anyway, finally she turned to Narcissa and Bella and tells them "Lilly and Antonia were better during their presentation than you." And Narcissa said she knew that. Then Mrs. Umbridge said "Nevertheless, I'm going to give you girls A's and Lilly and Antonia get only pluses." Now, I don’t mean to be rude but… What the actual f**k?!? I don't have any problems with Narcissa, nor with Bella, but they’re both kinda lazy and careless when it comes to such things. And I knew that their presentation was very badly put together. And after the class with the monster, they admitted that they had worked on it for about only 30 minutes and had only four sentences. Again, what the f**k??? Lilly and I are busting our a**es for THREE FULL DAYS to put our “lecture” together properly and we only get pluses?!? While the girls with the sloppy lecture get A’s??? PISS OFF!!! This is not okay. Also, have in mind that this teacher is so terrifying that we were both legitimately trembling! I hate classes with her. I love Literature as a subject, but I am genuinely terrified of her. Just like Neville was terrified of Snape. That woman is my boggart… AND THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!

Mrs. Umbridge is the reason why I want to become a teacher one day – so I can be one of those really cool teachers who communicate normally with the kids. I wand to be a teacher to make sure that there isn’t even one kid who’s afraid of a teacher!

By the way, do you realize what else this horrible woman did? As my mom later said, the teacher offended everyone. Me and Lilly, because, first of all she was constantly interrupting us. Second of all, she tried to explain to us that things should be done sloppy and at the last moment. Then she offended the whole class, by explaining to us how they all “got bored”, and finally - Bella and Narcissa by telling them that their presentation basically… sucked. This is not how you treat kids. It's not okay. Just because you have some power over a group of people, even if it consists of children, you are allowed to torment them.

When you get a little bit of power over someone and treat them awfully, dominate them and act as if they’re lower forms of life than you, that speaks volumes about you as a person. It shows how pathetic you actually are! And, for people like Mrs. Umbridge, who feel the need to show their power over CHILDREN (I can not stress this enough) and make them afraid to go into class – I’ve no words to describe them. This woman is also an awful teacher – just like Umbridge herself. She makes a plan for each lesson, dictates a few things that we should write down on the sheet of paper and makes us study it. She literally once said “I do not want you to have your own opinions when it comes to literature. When you think on your own you make mistakes. That’s why you’ll be studying by the plans I give and dictate to you!”. I really hate to reapeat myself but… What the actual f**k???

Another time me and my BFF went up to Mrs. Umbridge to ask her why she hadn’t put Poseidon next to all the other major Gods (we are studying Greek mythology) and she says “Poseidon is a minor God just like the Oceanides and Triton”. HELLO, HAVE YOU EVEN READ THE GREEK MYTHOLOGY?!? It is specifically said that Poseidon is equal with his brothers Zeus and Hades – they are the Big Three Gods (I’m getting off topic again, sorry). Of course I could say that people like that are a part of the school system that wants to literally produce identical people who aren’t able to think outside of the box, don’t have any imagination and are, overall, identical etc. etc., but I feel like this is a totally different topic.

Anyway, I had a bit of a lyrical deviation here. Anyway, where was I? Ah, yes. Mrs. Umbridge gave Bella and Narcissa A’s. At that point there were like 10-fifteen minutes left until the end of this bloody Hell. So she proceeded with giving us back the tests we had done week and a half before all that (maybe a bit irrelevant, but oh well). And I was still fighting with the need to burst out crying, by the way.

Anyway, after the class my mom came to school to take my laptop home ‘cause it was heavy and stuff. Now imagine me walking down the street to the spot where my mum had parked her car and crying my eyes out, because I finally had the opportunity to.. Pathetic, right? Though I wasn’t crying because I was sad or upset or something – I was angry and I was feeling sort of… victimized? I was angry because I had worked so hard for literally days, just to be told that, and those are Mrs. Umbridge’s exact words “Quantity doesn’t necessarily equal quality. You should learn to accept criticism!” Excuse me? We had quantity but we also definitely had quality! The fact that you were in a crappy mood or had a bad day or whatever, or you were determined to make our day a living Hell and didn’t want to bloody listen to us, doesn’t mean that we did not have quality! For God’s sake, you didn’t even listen to half of the things we said! Given that, how can you form an opinion?!? Besides, I am able to take criticism. Just as long it’s not pointless and it’s constructive. Key word – constructive. But in this case the criticism was anything but constructive! I was f***ing pissed off because I had worked really hard and my bloody effort was not appreciated! THAT is what pissed me off!

Mrs. Umbridge has also been been very unfair with my BFF.

My friend Luna and a classmate of hers, Lizzie, had to do the presentation about the mythology fetured in the arts. Naturally they presented sculptures and paintings by well-known painters. And of course they had also put tons of effort into finding the pictures and thinking of what exactly to say. And what did Mrs. Umbridge tell them? That they should have presented modern art inspired by the Greek mythology. WTF??? I WANNA THROW THAT WOMAN IN TARTARUS SO BAD!!

So yeah. Basically this is the story of how, after another nervous breakdown because of this shitty teacher, I decided to not give a f*** anymore.Besides, even though the whole rant was really angry, I think I actually managed to get the best out of this whole thing. I mean, I genuinely had a good time making the project and learning new things! :)

Hmmm... Maybe I used the word “presentation” too many times and I had a few “lyrical” deviations – sorry ‘bout that. XD I realize that probably nobody gives a damn about all that but I just needed to vent and rant, I guess. :)

P. S.: To whoever read this ‘til the end – thanks and sorry if I bored you to death. But I warned in the beginning that it was gonna be long. Also, if you have similar experiences – feel free to share your story!

Also… if you need to vent or just want to talk to someone – you can message me anytime! :)))

P. S. 2: By the way, I sincerely hope the next story I share is gonna be a lot more amusing and a lot less angry! :)))

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omgamganapatayeom · 5 years

Text

8.23.2019

are you using the mind as a tool, or is the mind using you?

also--God speaks in stillness. God’s language is not anxiety.

the past few days have been brutal.

mind-numbing and paralyzing anxiety attacks.

coming home is tough. coming home has confronted me with with a lot of old belief systems and patterns--seeing them reenacted right out in front of you. at first, I take it personally. I feel I absorb it...it affects my energy field. I recognize that we are all on different parts of our journey. I recognize that our conditioning and environment affects us entirely. I have chosen a different path--this path is no “better” or “worse” than the other. it’s the one that resonated with me.

last week I was sick for seven days which put me in total isolation. to begin with, over the previous year when I have come home, I have a difficult time staying here. with being confronted and seeing old belief systems re-enacted, plus not feeling supported with regards to my beliefs, journey, or the person I am today, I felt unimportant and almost disrespected. I felt my life was a joke or humiliating to others. I felt scared to hang out around them because I would get so agitated, triggered, or fearful that I would “absorb this energy” and convert back to what I once was.

I choose to no longer take the actions or comments of my family members personally. I choose to recognize that that is a reflection of their own world, and this does not mean they do not love me. I choose to recognize that they are doing the absolute best they can do with what they have, know, and experience. I choose to no longer absorb the energy I do not wish to take in, and know I am safe and protected. I choose to believe that I can still hang out with them, send them love, and be in service to the world guiding them to love more.

BACK TO THE STORY: seven days of isolation led me to a shit place. I felt very depressed towards the end of last week and beginning of this week. I fully lost hope in humanity and my future. I felt like I should just die and contribute no longer to the world. I felt there was nothing here for me. I also got SUPER fearful because I was reading a book called the “Yoga of Eating” that was discussing diets. It was talking about how diets can be a range of different densities, low to high. Depending on your lifestyle, belief system, physical activity, and day to day activities, a specific density of diet can be more accommodating compared to another. for example, a high density diet (animal protein, lots of fats, processed foods) can be accommodating to living in the physical plane and the chaos of the modern world. it desensitizes you. if you are meditating all day, obviously it is beneficial to have a diet of a lower density.

this prompted me to think about my own life. I love eating a lower density diet. it makes me feel more connected to myself, my surroundings, and the earth. I feel more in touch with myself and my intuition. my mind then jumped to this thought--maybe I should just go meditate for the rest of my life. this does not sound appealing to me. and then I started this cycle of “holy shit maybe my entire journey has prepared me for this and I guess I need to trust my gut and maybe my gut is trying to tell me something.” cue a fucking breakdown! then I was questioning everything. I began to question my intuition again and what is right and wrong. my ego would get so involved and every time I would sit down to meditate I would be terrified of the answer I would receive and the idea of letting go and I noticed it would try and condition me to answer this.

intuition scares me right now though. I think it is because I am trying to learn to trust it and want to let it completely guide me. if my intuition was to guide me right now though, I feel I would still go to portland. I want to do this masters in nutrition. I'll be honest--I feel less excited about nutrition right now than I once did. over the past year, I have become more interested in the spiritual experience rather than the physical. I believe food is a bridge and connection between the physical and spiritual, the macro to the microcosm. it is a direct catalyst. what you put in your body directly affects the earth, the planet...triggers a vibrational frequency change within yourself and among the collective consciousness. each plant and food item has a spirit than I am going to get to directly work with, spiritually and scientifically. THIS MAKES ME SO EXCITED. I know that I want to anchor down and be somewhere for a bit and make friends and be in a place with like-minded people. speaking about intuition, the last large run in and anxiety episode I had with it was with Adam. so fucking hard and still learning more and more everyday regarding that. but I cannot compare these.

I guess I am most scared because I read books like “The Alchemist” or “The Celestine Prophecy” that speak of omens and noticing on the subtle signs God gives you for this big huge journey everyone is on. maybe your next big move doesn’t have to be life changing and earth shattering, though? it’s a step in the direction you want to go. you will be given the ability to be taught how to serve others. and I do want to be of service. I want to be working intentionally and in my lane to be of service to others. my biggest fear is getting there and being overwhelmed with thoughts that it’s not the right path and that I made the wrong decision and chose to go against the omens. but thus far, the only omens I have received have been anxiety attacks and threatening thoughts “if you don’t choose this then you will choose wrong and the universe will not support you and you will lose out and not be as aligned or on your track or evolve as highly.” you are going to evolve in whatever way you need to evolve. be patient. we spend LIFETIMES evolving. it’s not a race. you have reincarnated into this human experience for a reason. don’t take things so personally! possessing this type A attitude about your trajectory and evolution is harmful. the spiritual practice shouldn’t leave you feeling anxious as hell--it should bring you peace and comfort. I think this is PTSD from Guatemala. my time in Guatemala didn’t totally resonate with me, which I feel is important to note. I feel not choosing this program would be choosing fear, not love. sometimes I just get overwhelmed that I've seen and experienced a world and reality bigger than this one and that I no longer need to operate in it. but you were reincarnated here for a reason. you chose this human experience for a reason, and this time, and your family, and your environment, and your school for a reason. LIFE SHOULD BE FUN! THIS EXPERIENCE SHOULD BE FUN! IT’S OKAY TO HAVE FUN! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS SO SERIOUSLY IT IS NOT A RACE AND IF YOU FUCK UP IT’S NOT THE END AND THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU MADE THINGS HARDER OR GET BLACKBALLED OR MOVE FIVE STEPS BACK YOU ARE ALWAYS EVOLVING TO YOUR HIGHEST GOOD negative emotion is not equivalent to evolution. pain is not equivalent to evolution. usually pain is a sign that you are making things harder for yourself than you should by unnecessary means. just go with the flow! I am open to all the magic and love in the Universe :) do it for your mental health!

when I try and envision my life and where I want to go, it overwhelms and scares me a bit. I think being home and depressed, I felt more lost than ever. I have my worries and doubts. I also need to remind myself that every thought and action you take the universe will conspire to work with you. I think that’s why I could be confused right now--because I have created this entire control drama surrounding this trajectory that I am assuming the universe wants me to take and am picturing this future which I don’t want which is fear-based. what is based on love? come back to love. love is the language of god, god speaks in stillness. not through anxiety. god doesn’t speak through fear, god speaks through love. you are not god and thus you do not know all the answers. but you can choose to plant seeds of magic and learn.

I also feel I have been taking all this spirituality stuff too seriously and am not having fun enough. there is a lightfulness in my body that is not always cultivated in my mind. I notice the second I am at peace, my mind is trying to find something else to attach to. “you don’t want to make a crazy life decision rn? you don’t want to run away to a foreign country? you don’t want to freak out and consider not heading to the WEST COAST and going into your DREAM PROGRAM rn and think that maybe your intuition is leading you somewhere else?” I literally type that and laugh. God is guiding me. it feels good...you don’t have to second guess it. everything will work out towards your highest good. a fear of mind is that me not being so serious about all these things will lead me to fail. you’re not going to fail. your life is a wide, open canvas. you are the artist. you have free will. NONE of us know all the answers. that is why we are here. no human knows more than another. me choosing to believe that monks are more highly evolved on a soul level and that this whole thing could be pass or fail is NOT BENEFICIAL AT ALL. it puts me in a shit place and makes me want to race and try so hard to pass the spirituality test. accept that god has his own plans for you. don’t compare your journey to others. you have certain gifts and inclinations for a reason. if something gives you serious fucking anxiety, it’s not in the cards for you right now. all you have is this present moment. maybe it is in the cards for you in the future, but this could mean another lifetime as well or maybe a past lifetime. CHOOSE LOVE.

I just do not see this not going to school as a high priority item rn

Going back to notes from Keith’s ceremony:

- you can’t have any doubt. NO DOUBT.

- Honor where you are in your journey. You can’t fuck up this life. It’s no big deal. Don’t take it so serious. You will come back and do all u need to.

- You are a healing wizard and because you are here that means the universe thought it was absolutely 100% NECESSARY you are here to do work!!

- Belief and mindset and 100% trust is 100% NECESSARY

- Trust that you know EVERYTHING. Trust that what you don’t know you aren’t supposed to know. And that’s okay and meant to be.

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snakecolumn95 · 5 years

Text

An Exact Breakdown Of The $1,100 I’ve Spent Trying To Cure My Stomach Issues Over The Past 2 Years

For the past two years, I have struggled with unknown digestive issues. I had never before experienced such constant constipation and bloating. For a year and a half, doctors dismissed my complaints of, “This is not normal. Something is wrong,” by telling me to eat more fiber, exercise more, and drink more water. These were all things I was doing (and tracking in a food/exercise/water/poop journal), but no one wanted to listen.

In August, I met with a naturopath who looked at my 13 months of notes about what went in and out of my body. She heard my concerns and worked with me to recommend different possibilities as to what was causing my body to turn against me so.

Here’s a complete breakdown* of what I’ve spent (so far) on my journey for gut answers:

*Note that all amounts listed here are in CAD unless otherwise noted

March 2017

I am constipated for a week and think it is due to a hemorrhoid flare-up.

Hermoval (oral pill): $23.72

Total spent so far: $23.72 CAD ($17.79 USD)

April 2017

The Hermoval doesn’t work, and thinking it’s still hemorrhoids causing my constipation, I buy Preparation H. I see a doctor at a walk-in clinic and he writes me a prescription for a hemorrhoid cream he says is “stronger than the over-the-counter stuff” and tells me to buy Metamucil. I cry over Easter weekend because my stomach is so distended. I see another doctor a few days later and he tells me to get more fiber.

Preparation H: $15.24

Prescription Cream: $10.10 (this was on my old insurance, so I’m not sure how much I saved, probably ~$20)

Metamucil: $22.59

Total spent so far: $71.65 CAD ($53.74 USD)

May 2017

I go away with my friends for the May long weekend and change my diet of smoothie bowls and salads for burgers and alcohol. My stomach and bowel movements momentarily return to normal?

Preparation H: $12.98

Total spent so far: $84.63 CAD ($63.47 USD)

June 2017

I’ve noticed that I have proper bowel movements the mornings after I drink alcoholic ciders.

Alcoholic Ciders: $13.40

Total spent so far: $98.03 CAD ($73.52 USD)

July 2017

I see a different walk-in clinic doctor who prescribes me Constella, a pill that fights constipation by increasing fluid in the digestive tract.

Constella: $45.60 (this was on my old insurance so I’m not sure how much I saved, but likely ~$300)

Preparation H and Laxatives: $26.23

Alcoholic Ciders: $5.90

Total spent so far: $175.76 CAD ($131.82 USD)

August 2017

I get my own doctor by having a coworker and her sister tell their doctor that I am their cousin who has just moved to the city. My new doctor tells me to buy laxatives.

Alcoholic Ciders: $10.60

Laxative: $13.55

Total spent so far: $199.91 CAD ($149.93 USD)

September 2017

I travel to the west coast to my friend Nathalie, and my stomach looks like I am carrying a child. We spend the weekend talking about our poops. Fun fact about Nathalie: in our youth, we went to Paris and thought it would be fun to poop in the washroom at every big attraction. Eiffel Tower? Pooped there. Arc de Triumph? Pooped there. Ohhh what I wouldn’t give to return to 2011!

Alcoholic Ciders: $22.80

Total spent so far: $222.71 ($167.03 USD)

October 2017

I change up hemorrhoid cream brands! I buy a pre & probiotic powder called “Regular Girl” that claims it’ll keep ya regular! I start on probiotics! My grandma tells me to try mineral oil! My aunt tells me to try molasses! I buy a detox tea for my bloat! I attend a “Banish Bloating: A Naturopathic Guide to Overcoming IBS” talk!

Anusol: $12.74

Probiotics and Regular Girl powder: $50.09

Detox Tea: $10

Mineral Oil: $10.16

Molasses: $4.19

Total spent so far: $309.89 CAD ($232.42 USD)

November 2017

Most of my spending this month was included in my grocery bill, so hard to say what exactly it was I spent it on. But we can all imagine it was prunes (recommended by a co-worker), rapini (recommended by my boss), and the ingredients for a great laxative fruit spread as given to me by my friend’s mom.

December 2017

Probiotics: $22.02

Anusol: $11.85

Total spent so far: $343.76 CAD ($257.82 USD)

January 2018

My apartment gets bed bugs this month, and for 4 days I’m so stressed and nervous all I do is drink coffee, eat no food, and stress poop a LOT. My stomach is finally not bloated for these 4 blissful, bug-filled days. My dad’s girlfriend saw a picture I posted of my abs and said if bed bugs will give her “a body like that” then she’d gladly take them.

Probiotics: $28.24

Regular Girl powder: $36.15

Total spent so far: $408.15 CAD ($306.11 USD)

February 2018

I have my first appointment with a Gastroenterologist. When I tell her I’ve been reading online and I think it may have something to do with bacteria in my gut she tells me, “Probably not. You’re probably just stressed.” She doesn’t want to see my months of notes. I get an ultrasound, give a stool sample, and have some blood taken.

March 2018

My doctor tells me to switch to an IBS specific probiotic. (Months later, my naturopath will say, “What?? Why did she tell you do go on that?? That’s for people who have diarrhea-prone IBS.”)

Align Probiotic: $45.19

Total spent so far: $453.34 CAD ($340.00 USD)

April 2018

I read that moringa powder has lots of fiber and iron.

Regular Girl powder: $28.92

Moringa powder: $7.55

Align Probiotic: $50.84

Total spent so far: $540.65 CAD ($405.49 USD)

May 2018

My ultrasound showed a small cyst on one of my ovaries, but apparently, they come and go with your menstrual cycle. I have a follow-up ultrasound, and the cyst is gone. I have a recital for my stand up comedy class and do a hot five minutes about how I always look like I’m pregnant. It’s a hard sell, though, because I was so nervous I pooped seven times that day. I debate making this my new career.

Align Probiotic: $41.82

Total spent so far: $582.47 CAD ($436.85 USD)

June 2018

Anusol: $14.11

Total spent so far: $596.58 CAD ($447.44 USD)

July 2018

Align Probiotic: $33.89

Total spent so far: $630.47 CAD ($472.85 USD)

August 2018

A new IBS product comes on the market! They are little capsules full of peppermint balls that you take 30 minutes before eating and are supposed to help with bloating. They work okay, but mainly just make any gas I pass have a minty tingle. I’ve included a hole-in-the-wall dumpling restaurant in this month because I immediately get diarrhea after and I’ve never been so excited.

IBS Gard: $40.67

Dumpling House: $15

Total spent so far: $686.14 CAD ($514.61 USD)

September 2018

I see a naturopath for the first time, and she thinks I might have SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth) and wow BIG SURPRISE, I do!! She also recommends a product called IBS Relief which is a guar gum based (fiber) powder to add to beverages. I literally go to another dumpling restaurant and hope I get diarrhea (I don’t).

Initial Naturopath Appt: $205 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

SIBO Test: $150

Align Probiotics: $63.27

IBS Relief: $15.81

Meet Dumplings: $15.58

Total spent so far: $930.80 CAD ($698.10 USD)

October 2018

My doctor refuses to prescribe me the antibiotic my naturopath says can help kill the SIBO. Because of this denial, I have to take the naturopath cure. Sadly, naturopathic pills aren’t covered by insurance. I finish my food journal and have to buy some new ones.

Naturopath Appt: $80 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

Bio Film (pill): $64.35

LIVCO (pill): $53.10

New food journals: $15.75

IBS Relief: $15.81

Total spent so far: $1,079.81 CAD ($809.86 USD)

November 2018

My naturopath gives me a bunch of pills. After December, I will do two weeks of liver pills, then 2 weeks of 3 pills, then 2 weeks of another 3 pills, then 2 weeks of another 3 pills to hopefully eradicate the SIBO.

Naturopath Appt: $80 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

Naturopathic Pills: $131.59

IBS Relief: $15.81

Total spent so far: $1,227.21 CAD ($920.41 USD)

December 2018

I see another GI who tells me to get celiac testing done. She also writes me a prescription for the SIBO antibiotic (which I haven’t filled yet, as it’s about $500 and not covered by insurance) and for Constella. I get acupuncture for digestion.

Celiac Test: $60

Preparation H: $11.76

Naturopath Appt: $80 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

Initial Acupuncture Appt: $110 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

Total spent so far: $1,298.97 CAD ($974.23 USD)

January 2019

Come mid-Jan I have finished 8 weeks of naturopathic pills and start on a 30-day SIBO elimination diet.

IBS Relief: $15.81

Vita Aid (pills): $63.22

Naturopath Appt: $25 ($55 was covered by insurance)

Total spent so far: $1,403 CAD (1,052.25 USD)

February 2019

The re-introductory period has my stomach freaking out with bloat again.

Naturopath Appt: $80 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

Acupuncture: $65 (fully covered by insurance, so $0)

Vita Aid (pills) $63.22

Constella: $11.99 ($354.73 was covered by insurance)

Total spent so far: $1,478.21 CAD ($1,108.66 USD)

March 2019

I am 18 days into reintroduction. My naturopath said if I relapse in the first 6 days, it’s a sign the SIBO is still there, but if it happens from day 7 onwards, it may be a FODMAP intolerance. I meet with her again in a few days and we’ll figure out phase 2. I am attending the inaugural event for a Toronto-based gut health instagram (@thegutgazette) where we will do some mediation and movement for digestion.

Gut Gazette: $43.45

IBS Relief: $31.62

Total spent to date: $1,553.28 CAD ($1,166.06 USD)

I have become the kind of person who talks about my digestion and my bowel movements loudly and proudly. Almost every time I mention my problems, someone (whether I know them or not) turns to me to confide that they have been having some stomach/poop issues lately. Why are we all keeping this a secret! Why are we suffering behind closed doors!! Ladies! Be loud and proud of your gut issues. Hopefully, you don’t find yourself in a similar ordeal as me, but if you are struggling, reach out to someone. Mental health and gut health are so closely linked that if you’re feeling stressed then it’ll only serve to lengthen your recovery rate. After all, how are we going to be able to “trust our gut” if we don’t care for it?

Hailey is a homebody. Follow her social medias @hailmast.

Image via Unsplash

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Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/an-exact-breakdown-of-the-1100-ive-spent-trying-to-cure-my-stomach-issues-over-the-past-2-years/

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