Tumgik
#i am managing without a car but with my job it is much easier to have one
soukitas · 1 year
Note
hi!! don't know if you're still active but i would like to request a blurb with hijikata being jealous, if that's okay?
Hello!! Yes I'm still sort of active around, thank you for the request!!!
CW: Fem!Reader
"It will be 3,000 yen, Okita-san" you mentioned in the direction of the young captain.
"Did you manage to do my special request?" he commented while he handed you the corresponding money.
"Whole bottle of mannoyaise for the fried rice, tabasco in the ramen broth, and a hard-written 'I love you' note pretending to be Tae Shimura on the katsudon." you clarified "Got it memorized since day one, Okita-san"
"No one does it like you do" Sougo smiled in your direction, and you couldn't help but let out a shy laugh.
You were the local restaurant's delivery person and co-owner, for the past year you had been religiously cooking take-out for the Shinsengumi members at least three times a week. Over the course of this time, you had managed to become friends with the youngest captain of the force and got to know the higher heads: Kondou Isao, the commander, and Hijikata Toushirou, the attractive vicecommander.
He had been the one to receive the orders a couple of times, and unlike the ashy-brown boy, who was easier to talk to, exchanging words with him was next to impossible, mostly because every time you were in front of him you had to fight the urge to kiss him silly.
"Sougo, what's taking so long?" as if thoughts could conjure matter, the second you wondered if you were getting the opportunity to see him today he appeared at the entrance of the compound. He took a glance at you which he diverted quickly. "Don't waste time messing around with girls, break time is almost over."
"Hijikata-san, you're making me sound like a playboy." the younger boy complained.
"I'll get going." you interrupted in attempt to lower the tension that had grown between the two.
You headed to the scooter you commonly used for transport and tried to start the engine. First time, the sound fell flat, second time, still didn't turn on, and by the third time, you had given up. Your scooter was not going to start, damn the owner for not giving it proper maintenance. You were embarrassed enough, and the fact that the two men remained by the entrance watching you fail misserably was just adding to it. Sougo had gotten closer, his body bent forward to examine the vehicle, a bit too close to you compared to what you normally allow a stranger to be.
"Damn it" you muttered when he seemed to not know what was wrong right away "I still have some more deliveries to make, what am I going to do? The food will go cold." you complained to the skies, mostly talking to yourself.
"I can take you on the patrol car, it will be faster that way." Sougo offered. You were about to jump in right into the proposal, since keeping your job was your priority, until your friend was abruptly pulled away by his collar.
"You're just looking for excuses to miss out on work!" Hijikata almost yelled as he rather roughly pushed Sougo in the direction of the compound entrance. Instead, he walked towards you, more like past you, in the direction of his car. "I'll take you, let's get going, I have work to do."
You didn't quite believe your ears but compiled without refutal. The ride was quiet and slightly awkward. You wouldn't talk much and he wouldn't even dare to look your way.
"He's more deceiving than you think, that guy." he suddenly spurted out.
"Do you mean Okita-san?" you asked, surprised by his proactivity.
"You shouldn't be so friendly with him, he is into weird stuff." his eyes kept fixed on the road, his hand occasionally darting out to remove the cigarette from his mouth and blow out the smoke.
"He's been nothing but good to me, though." you said absentmindedly, you weren't trying to advocate for him or anything, you just spoke the truth that circled your mind at the time.
Hijikata was silent the entire remaining routes. He would simply ask for the address, light up another cigarette once you arrived, and crush it right after you were done talking to the costumer. Did you have to be so nice to every one of them? Could you not tell the way they looked at you? The same way Sougo looked at you?
"That was the last one" you said as you dropped back onto the passenger's seat. You let out a content sigh and turned to him, for the first time in the entire day he returned your gaze, and you couldn't help but smile "Thank you, Hijikata-san, you really saved me"
The way his name slipped from your lips made his chest feel heavy. "I'll take you back home now." he stated.
you hummed with doubt "The scooter is still at the compound, though"
"I'll have someone take a look at it and give it to you once it's fixed." he answered.
There was no point on arguing, so you just gave him the address and he drove without a word yet again. However, the second he pulled over in front of your house, his hand darted out to hand you something. Between his fingers he was holding a namecard that read "Hijikata Toshiro, XXX-XXX-XX-XX" with his number on it.
"Call me tomorrow morning, I will take you to work." he offered.
"You don't have to do that..." you said as a reflex, trying to hide the fact that you were, indeed, thrilled with his proposal.
"Whenever you have the food we order ready," he continued, ignoring that you had just say "Call me. I'll receive it."
His voice was more commanding than suggestive. You couldn't help the blush that ran through your face, and simply nodded in response, sliding quickly outside the car. The window on his side was open to allow the smoke of his cigarette to slip out. He was waiting for you to get inside before he left, and as you looked back at him still in the car, you gave in to an impulse you had long ago.
"Hijikata-san." you said camly as you approached him again. You heard him ask if there was a problem, but instead of responding you bent over across the open window to lay a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, again!" you said sheepishly before basically running into your home.
He attempted to look non-chalant as you drifted away, but the second you were out of sight his face turned a shade of red tomatos would be jealous of. His hand was brought to his mouth and a frown appeared. He hated it. He hated how much it affected him. How much he wanted you to do it again.
40 notes · View notes
biggestdev · 5 months
Text
Converting a battery backup to Lithium because I hate myself
I've got a whole bunch of battery backups in my home, one on each computer, and a big one in my server rack in the basement. I've also got a few out "in the wild" at some of my family's places. They're great, where I live in the northeast US, the power grid is stable enough that most outages are only minutes long, and these backups (technically called a UPS - Uninterrupted Power Supply) do a great job keeping computers running through them.
My issue is the batteries. They all run on lead acid batteries, aka the same kind that's in your car, and they dont last long in this kind of environment, I'm lucky if I get 3 years out of one. On top of that, their battery life detection is terrible, It's about a 50/50 shot whether I get a warning about a dead battery pack before the next power outage takes it down without warning. Keeping track of that with just one or two is annoying, let alone 10 of them!
Lithium UPS's exist, and theoretically last many years longer, but they are many times more expensive than a normal backup. I'd like to not spend new-car money replacing a dozen UPS units, so I did some math instead.
I have a husk of a ups (no battery), and I tested it out: the open circuit voltage on the battery cable is 27.6 volts, which just happens to be almost the exact voltage needed to float charge a series of 8 Lithium-iron-phosphate (LiFePo4) batteries!
Why is that exciting? Usually when you think of lithium batteries, you think of lithium-ion (also can be called lithium-polymer) batteries. These are the batteries in your laptop and phone... And also Tesla cars. They hold more energy than a LiFePo4 battery, but are very sensitive to temperature, over and under-voltage, over-charging, and over-current conditions. Abuse them too hard, and they swell up and pop! That's why Teslas seem to catch fire more often than other cars: most other companies gave up range for a battery chemistry that isn't a ticking time bomb, like LiFePo4.
Tumblr media
These LiFePo4 batteries can take a beating compared to Li-ion ones. Most importantly, they can be "float" charged, that is, left on the charger 24/7, without worrying about overcharging it and blowing caustic smoke everywhere. This is critical, because I'm attempting a direct drop-in swap for the old lead battery in this UPS, because float charging a lead battery is basically a requirement, and doing that to a Li-ion battery is asking for a fire!
Using a Li-ion pack would require a custom charging circuit, as the UPS's 27.6V is not correct for any configuration of Li-ion, and would either under charge the pack, losing me 50% of my capacity, or overcharge it, and make it explode. It would also have to stop the batteries from being float charged, again to keep the battery from exploding, while fooling the UPS into thinking a battery is still attached so it doesn't beep at me all the time, and my head is spinning just thinking about how that would work. Much easier to give up capacity for a simpler, and more robust battery.
This UPS can deliver 900 watts of power on battery, that equates to roughly 30 amps of current from the 27.6V battery pack. Adding a safety factor, I bought a BMS (Battery Management System) rated to 50 amps. A BMS is essential, as it offers extra protection against short circuits, over and under-charging and temperature cutoff. Also cell balancing, which keeps all the cells at the same level of charge during use (if they go out of sync-that's bad, is all I'll say for now). The batteries are rated for 120 amps continuous draw, so I am well under the limit where the cells would self-immolate.
With all that said, here's the guts:
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Looking close, you might see that I had to cut some plastic out to make it all fit. That's an error on my part-I didn't measure right. If I make more, I'll definately be using a smaller cell, so it will be a proper "drop in" mod. Lots of drilling, cutting, and filing to make this all fit!
It took several hours to link up the cells, terminate the balancing wires (the small red spindly ones), and and stuff them in the battery box. That's a LOT longer than I was hoping it would take, but the on-the fly mods took a lot of time. but eventually, it all fit in, and I was able to test it:
Tumblr media Tumblr media
It works! I unplugged it from the wall, and it stayed on! For now, I am in full helicopter parent mode, since I don't want to deal with a lithium fire, even though my math checks out and the UPS should never get the the point that these cells are ever "abused". I only leave it on when I'm in the room, and when I leave, I unplug from the wall, and remove the red lead from the battery, so no charge enters or leaves while I'm not there to watch it.
In theory, the only issue with this retrofit will be a useless runtime meter. The "minutes of runtime" meter is measuring the voltage of the battery as it discharges to estimate how much longer it will last, and the voltage drop over time is different for lithium and lead, so the meter won't be measuring accurately. Once I'm confident it won't explode randomly, I will likely install it permanently somewhere in one of my compters.
Wish me luck!
6 notes · View notes
redskull199987 · 1 year
Text
Until I found you
Connor x female!reader Request
Word count:2.3k
Warnings:Canon typical violence, guns, angsty
Summary: You and Connor had a difficult backstory already, but what happens when he returns to the DPD all of a sudden...?
Masterlist
Requested by Igni_Hydee on Wattpad
Song inspiration:
Tumblr media
I woke up way too early, again. I looked outside the window. The sun hadn't even risen yet. With a grunt, I let myself fall back onto the bed. A sigh left my lips, as I tried to fall back asleep...unsuccessfully.
"Damn it", I mumbled to myself and got up to get dressed. Work didn't start yet, but it was never to early for coffee.
I walked around my room, gathering my clothes. As I was getting ready, my gaze fell onto my badge. My weapon was lying right next to it. It made me think back to the last time, I used it. It was a few weeks ago, when the android protests increased. I was glad that they managed to win back their independence. It made my job much easier, since the whole division for Deviancy became useless, which meant that my Partner Hank and me got some weeks of only light work in front of us. Much to Hank's likings, I might add. That man really needed a break, after all he went through. But to be honest, not only him.
I stopped staring at my badge and finally picked  it up, shoving it in my pocket. I grabbed my weapon and put it under my belt, hidden behind my coat. It was still chilly outside, so it was easy not to be so noticeable.
I grabbed my purse and finallly left my apartment, now on my way to the nearest coffe shop. I found it, a cupple weeks ago, when I tried to show Connor some perks of being a human.
I cursed under my breath. I thought, thaat maybe, just maybe I could be able to go for one day without thinking about him, but it seemed impossible.
I knew I shouldn't think about him again, but still, I let my mind wander to him again, as I got in line for my coffee.
Tumblr media
Everything was going smooth, until it wasn't. Hank, Connor and I visited the Eden club today. And just like I said, it started good, but then things got out of hand. And while I ended up with a black eye from fighting the Android's, Conner was left confused, while Hank was angry. I felt like, after starting to trust Connor, this trust now started to slowly crumble again. 
So, as we visited the bridge, Hank and I used to come to, when I was still a rookie, things got even worst.
"Hank, knock it off!!", I yelled. He was pointing his gun at Connor. And oh boy, the Android didn't make it any better, provoking Hank further and further. 
"Whatever", Hank finally said and walked away. I watched as he walked back to his car and drove away.
"What was that all about!?"; I asked and turned back to Connor. The android looked at me, confused as hell.
"I am still trying to figure him out", he whispered and turned around, looking at the water.
I sighed and walked over to him, leaning against the railing.
"You need to stop provoking him, he has been through a lot. You have no idea, what a few words can do to a man!", I explained to Connor.
"Don't I?", he asked.
I chuckled and patted his shoulder:"You simply lack the experience"
"Experience?", he asked,"I am the most advanced android Cyberlife has to offer at the moment, I was built for this Job"
"I am not talking about the job, Connor.", I smiled sadly,"I mean life"
"Do you imply, that I don't know what he is going through, because I am no human?", Connor whispered, he was staring directly into my eyes. He almost seemed shocked.
"No Connor", I smiled,"For me, there is no difference between Android and human. What I mean is, that even though you are extremely skilled at your job, you don't have any life experience. You've only been activated a few months ago, your're still a child, trying to find it's place in the world."
"I have a place"; he stated blantly,"The DPD, and cyberlife"
"That's not, what I meant", I said and grabbed his hand,"I am sure you will understand soon. I will help you find your place"
I watched as Connor's LED started flickering yellow, while he inspected our interwined hands. 
"Do you really see no diference between Human and android?", Connor asked, his eyes suddenly avoiding me.
"No", I mumbled,"I don't care aout the colour of your blood, you're just as human, as I am and you deserve to be treated respectfully and not like you're objects"
I must've been mistaken, but I thought I saw his LED flash red, before he pulled my closer by my hand and softly kissed my head. I was too stunned to speak, as he leaned back.
"Thank you, Y/N, Your help means a lot to me. I hope that we can continue like this.", Connor stated.
"Of course, Connor. ", I smiled,"I am glad, we are friends"
"Friends", he repeated.
Tumblr media
"Ma'm, your coffee is ready"
I snapped back out of my thoughts and looked at the man in front of me. I smiled at him and handed him the money before grabbing my coffee and leaving.
I slowly sipped my coffee, as I wandered around the streets. Signs of the protest's were still very visible. But we would built it up again, I was sure of it.
I made my way to the mall, looking if I could buy anything. But that dind't help. My mind was still with Connor and what happened next, after we got closer. My heart ached at the memory. After all that happened, I didn't even remember why I was so willing to get into a relationship with him. I should've known that he was only using me, that he was faking it all, to help our investgation. I still didn't know why he had to do this to me exactly, but after he became a deviant, we only saw eah other again one time and that was when we helped Hank get away from the fake Connor. 
That was the last time, I saw him. And even though, I still can't forgive him for what he did, I still hoped that he was alright, that he was alive and fine. 
"Well well, what do we have here?"
I instantly recognzed his voice and turned around:"Gavin, my lovely friend and colleague"
He smiled and I walked over to him, giving the man a welcome hug.
"Wanna go to work together?", he asked.
I smiled:"Sure thing"
We started to make our way to the police departement, indulging in a light conversation while we were walking. As we finally reached our destination, I said my goodbyes to Gavin and made my way over to my desk. Hank wasn't here yet, as usual. I sat down and got ready for paperwork, as I heard an all too familiar voice.
I peaked over my PC and I couldn't believe my eyes. Right there, talking to the comissioner, was none other that Connor himself.
"You've gotta be kidding me", I mumbled to myself and slumbed back down in my chair, hiding behind my monitor. He was right there, walking around, like nothing ever happened. Like he never betrayed me.
"It wil be nice to have you back, Connor. We can really use all the help we can get.", I heard the Commissioner say.
"Every help, my ass.", I mumbled to myself, as I got up. I wasn't planning on talking to Connor today or even encountering him again, so I made my way over to Gavin.
"Already missing me?", He grinned, as he saw me walking over to his desk. 
I smiled at him:"Always. Do you mind getting a coffee with me?Outside?"
Gavin looked at me, a confused expresssion on his face, but then his eyes wandered around my head and he nodded.
"Don't worry, I'll keep the tin can away from you.", he smiled and held out his arm for me.
I gently interwined my arm with his and smiled:"Thank you."
Together, we made our way out of the Police Station. Unbeknownst to the both of us,Connor had been watching us the entire time, analysing every single action of both, Gavin and me. He excused himself from his talk with the Commissioner and silently followed the two of us.
Tumblr media
"What exactly happened between you two, if I may ask?", Gavin mumbled, as he sipped his coffee. 
"It's a long story", I answered, looking down, too ashamed of what happened between Connor and me,"But what you must know is, that I thought his feelings were real, but apparantly he was just faking it alll to help our stupid investigation."
"Oh",Gavin mouthed,"That plastic prick"
"Yeah", I sniffled,"I guess, it doesn't matter what the colour of your blood is, you can be an asshole anyways"
"I am truly sorry for what happended to you, Y/N", Gavin stated and stopped walking. He put both his hands on top of my shoulders,"And honestly, if he was only using you, he didn't deserve you anyway, you deserve better!"
I chuckled at his words:"That's what I keep telling myself, but I guess it's just all lies to make up for the fact, that I still have feelings for him"
"You do!?"
Gavin and I turned around in surprise, as I heard the voice of the man I least wanted to see right now.
"Have you been following us?!", Gavin barked,"For how long, you freak!?"
He was about to charge at Connor, but I stopped him:"Don't!"
Gavin hesitated for a second, but finally stepped back.
"Can we talk?", Connor asked.
"You plastic prick...", Gavin mumbled again. He was ready to beat the shit out of Connor, but I stopped him again. 
"You will talk", I whispered and looked at Connor,"I will listen and then we'll see if I have something to say to you"
"Thank you", Connor mumbled. He looked at me for a second, before sheepishly glancing at Gavin.
"I think, we'll be alright here, Gavin", I said to him. He looked at me and his features softened, his face was now full of concern.
"Are you sure?", he asked. I nodded:"I will be alright"
He only nodded at me before making his way back to the Police Station. But not before bumping into Connor's shoulder while walking past him. 
I looked after him, before turning towards Connor:"So, what do you have to say?"
He gulped heavily.
"Do you wanna walk a bit?", he asked first. I only nodded and we started walking.
"I don't really know how to start", Connor mumbled.
"Just...tell me how you feel", I said.
"I feel...pain, regret, hatred for what I did to you.", he mumbled. I didn't say anything and motioned for him to continue.
"After we...parted, I felt so lost. Like a part of myself had left with you. I didn't know what it was at first. But then, I went to Jericho and I became a deviant and only then I truly understood what I felt."
"What did you feel, Connor?", I asked quietly.
"I was lost within the darkness, but then I found you", he mumbled, cloing his eyes. I hesitated for a second, before grabbing his hand. He slowly opened his eyes.
"The only thing I need in this world, Y/N, it's you. I didn't realize it sooner, because I... lacked the experience, life experience.", Connor said.I chuckled at his reference. I felt him pull me closer by my hands. 
"But now I know, that everything I feel, the reason I became a deviant, it is because of you. Because I found you and I realized that I would never fall unless it's you I fall into"
"I believe you", I whispered,"But what you did Connor. It's gonna take time to heal"
He only nodded:"I realize that I made mistakes, that I cannot repair, I can only try to make up for them."
"You can indeed do that", I mouthed and looked up. He was only inches away from me.
"Connor?", I asked sheepishly.
"Yes?"
"How about you start with kissing me?", I mumbled.
I watched as a smile formed on his lips, before he leaned down, connectiong our lips. It felt just like I rememberd it, but it was still different. It felt more...human. I didn't sense the coldness of his lips or his friging fingers on my hips, all I could feel were his emotions. Love, Hunger...Devotion, but also pain and regret. It was something I had never felt before.
"You still matter to me", Connor breathed against my lips, "Very much"
"Thank you, Connor", I smiled,"For not giving up on us"
"I see, you two are talking again"
We turned around, as I heard the voice of none other then Lieutenant Hank Anderson himself.
"Hy Hank", I mumbled and greeted the old man with a smile.
"Lieutenant", Connor said.
Hank smiled and put a hand on each of our shoulders,"It's good you two are talking again, because we have been teamed up again."
I looked at him perplexed:"But we don't need a devision for deviancy anymore"
"No", Hank answered,"But murderers still very much exist, so let's get to work"
"Yes Lieutenant", Connor said.
"Still the obedient little machine, huh Connor?", Hank teased.
"I-", Connor stuttered.
"I'm just messing with you, son", Hank chuckled,"it's nice to have you back"
Connor smiled and looked down at me:"Nice to be back, Sir."
"So,", I smiled,"Let's get to work"
"Listen to the lady", Hank said and together, we made our way back to the Police Station. I guess, in the end, it wasn't too bad to meet Connor again, even though Gavin would beg to differ.
54 notes · View notes
theretirementstory · 11 days
Text
Tumblr media
Good morning from a cloudy Bar-sur-Aube where it’s currently 9c. I wouldn’t care if there was 6 feet of snow, I am home, with my son, just being in my own home has put a smile on my face.
I had settled myself at the hospital and was managing to eat a bit more than I had (not as much as I am eating at home). I was told I could eat a normal diet and so today we are booked to have lunch at the lovely restaurant. I am on three protein drinks a day, it’s good because sometimes I feel hungry just a couple of hours after a meal and these protein drinks are timed to have then.
So it’s “The Photographer” who has come to visit me and I was following his flight getting more and more excited at the prospect of seeing him. He hired a car at the airport and drove down first to see me in the hospital then onto my home. He thought the car was going to be a Mazda but no he is in a big Lexus 😳, it’s nice to sit in and he likes it to drive.
My friend Anie invited him for a small repas on Wednesday evening and although he had never met her before he enjoyed her company for a couple of hours. He said by the time he was leaving, his brain was frazzled and he could hardly string English words into a sentence never mind French!
I had to have an echocardiogram and electrocardiography but was told that my heart is strong and so the cardiologist confirmed I can have the treatment. It’s small steps but in the right direction.
Anyone who is a blood donor, I salute you! The platelet transfusions I have needed have been on an almost daily basis and without those I would have been in a pretty poor state.
The food at hospital seemed to improve (think it was just me feeling hungry). I was eating a big breakfast, sometimes lunch was the best meal or it was dinner but I also asked for yoghurts etc to eat at night.
The sport coach returned, he had had a weeks holiday, we did the exercises, I managed all repetitions and he was pleased. Not so when I cried off on Wednesday but it had been a busy day and I was exhausted.
Having unloaded a lot of the anxieties that had been with me about getting my affairs in order, I really feel lightened. Still got some things to do, and I will, but a lot of the mundane has gone.
So Friday I was released, oh wow did it feel good to walk into my house again and to gaze out at my flowers in the garden. Simple pleasures but they mean so much! I go back to the day unit on Monday afternoon for a transfusion and on Wednesday morning it is my PET scan but other than that, I am home, for the short term.
My neighbours asked if they could come to see me, of course they could, they were so happy. They said again that I don’t look ill and never have done. I said I am hungry all the time which they see as a good sign.
So what has been happening in the lives of my other members of the “clan”.
“The Trainee Solicitor” has been stressed with staff absences at work, they really need another couple of secretaries, then, he can move onto his training plan in earnest. Well he went to the boss with a plan, as far as I know that has been implemented and one interview has taken place with 🤞another couple due this coming week. It won’t make his job that much easier but he won’t have to be “firefighting” and can get on with his own caseload.
“The Reconnect Navigator” had a wonderful birthday. She said she had been totally spoilt! Well that’s what birthdays are about aren’t they? She is settling in at work and is looking forward to dealing with her own cases soon. The best day of the month is rapidly approaching, “pay day.” I still look forward to mine and it’s my pension 😂😂.
Now “The Jetsetter”, took off for Italy, she flew into Bologna, had a day in Venice and a day in Florence. How amazing! I know “apérol” has been consumed (I have seen the photos) but I imagine that there may well have been some “gelato” along with lasagne, mortadella and perhaps even Tigelle.
My gorgeous grandchildren are with their Mum and on Tuesday evening there was a video call in the hospital, it was good to see them as it was an added bonus.
I think “The Photographer” has enjoyed his stay in my house. He has been out and about, practising his French, at the Bar-sur-Aube football match yesterday taking photos. My house is so quiet too, it means that he can get a good sleep. He said the other night was amazing with such fantastic visibility that the constellations were on full view.
Oh don’t worry I hadn’t forgotten the music section. My first piece of music is by Stevie Wonder, so many to choose from but I like this from 1973 it’s “Higher Ground”. Second song is from 1990 it’s “In Private” by Dusty Springfield. Again this lady has such a catalogue of hits and I must say I am a big fan.
Wishing you all a great day, on this 17th March, St Patrick’s Day.
Tumblr media
5 notes · View notes
nehirose · 5 months
Text
like it would probably help if i ever actually talked about things anymore but see also: tired.
i've been out of work for a year. i was supposed to be able to take a break and then get back to it, but instead thing after thing that was more urgent priority and needed to be wrangled has happened. (this isn't isolated to me. by any stretch of the imagination.)
& the job hunt hasn't been great. the last interview i had was for mcdonalds and it went really well! but the gm was out of town and by the time they came back, the location had gotten more applicants. with prior experience. who got hired over me.
they still have the now hiring sign up. it was kind of a body blow to my ego but more importantly fed into the whole thing where -
i am struggling pretty hard with the recursive loop of untreated adhd making it like wading through hip deep cement to get anything - including and especially the things i desperately WANT to do and NEED to do to make any of this easier. get a job get insurance get meds. do paperwork get meds get job? - watch friends with more recent dx but usable insurance struggle to find providers get prescribed not just give up because they struggled their way into a stable place without help so what's even the point.
make art again. enjoy my hobbies again. which i have at least been actually functionally interested again?
partner has a good job and has been a godsend. we're much better off than we were a year and a few months ago, when i was the only one working. we consistently have rent covered, and money for food, the occasional action figure full of serotonin.
the schedule sucks (12 hour days dispersed out over a schedule that repeats every two weeks, rather than every week, and whether those 12 hours are 6am-6:30pm or 6pm to 6:30am switches every four weeks. it's predictable, just irregular, if that makes sense. we're currently on nights - well, i'm doing my best not to be, just adjusting the times for drop off and pick up. there ARE other shifts and teams available, buuuuuuu) uuuuuut the pay is amazing. by rights we should be fine all of the time, barring unforseen disaster. we're stable where we are -
it's just still a one bedroom shared with three people and two cats that is where none of us still want to be living.
we all need trips to the dentist. and follow up dental work. i need an eye exam and new glasses. i probably need to get my migraines more managed if i'm going to keep whatever job i do manage to get. the car needs headlights replaced and to investigate the horrible creaking noise when you are backing out in a turn. we should be doing a better job of trying to put anything into savings, but that's hard.
everything would be /just enough/easier with me bringing in any kind of income. possibly even better than good.
i've been beating myself up about this a lot.
i'm working on that.
i have an *incredible* team for support. my partner and my closest friend who i don't actually live with are both absolute rocks. patient as hell in all of this, but it's hard. willing to help me with getting things out & getting supplies acquired if i manage to get rolling on any one of multiple projects that are currently (finally) percolating. (my other close friends think i deserve to be able to have a break.) (i think that might be a middle ground.)
things ARE looking up. i'm still trundling ever forward and socially i'm so, so, so much happier and better off than i have been in a long time, it's just, y'know.
wading through slowly drying concrete is really, really hard. some days are better than others. things ARE going to improve, one stubborn step after another.
i'm just tired, man.
i'm tired.
i'll be okay.
(but i should probably go to bed.)
5 notes · View notes
ahnsael · 9 months
Text
We got robbed at gunpoint over the weekend.
First time in almost 9 years of our operation that this has happened. When I saw the names of the suspects, I thought, “I know these guys” Not personally, but I am familiar with both.
I haven’t slept in almost 42 hours. I keep replaying it in my mind with different scenarios. If I go to sleep, those scenarios just will play themselves out in my subconscious. I may go a second day without sleep. I haven’t decided yet.
I KNOW this is not healthy. But my work family is my extended family. And they were in danger. AND I WAS ON A BREAK AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON UNTIL IT HAD HAPPENED. I feel like I let them down. My adrenaline from the situation hasn’t faded. If I had beenin there with them and not on a break when it happened, I might have closure. 
I know I couldn’t have prevented the situation. But I would have been there with them. And I could have taken the hit (robbery) out of my drawer as a manager easier than it was for her as someone who is a casino attendant.I KNOW it’s’s not my fault (don’t go all Good Will Hunting on me with “it’s not your fault; I KNOW it is not but I am still allowed to feel bad that I wasn’t there for them when they needed me because I wasn’t informed until it was over).
Detectives wanted us to stick around for interviews. After crying on the shoulder of the one I felt I let down the most, they called my name and I said no. When I turned at my name, one detective said “Are you okay” as tears were streaming down my face. I said, “We were just robbed at gunpoint. You tell me if I am supposed to be okay.”
Another manager came in and I filled him in and he mentioned the HOURS of overtime I could have been getting, but I said “but then I would be drinking on the job and that would be bad.” And he said “If you are about to be interviewed by a detective, why are you drinking?”
“Because we were robbed at gunpoint this morning and we all agreed we needed a stiff one after that.”
We coped. We made jokes. We laughed together to keep from sobbing together. We were scared. I am still scared. I told one bos that I would not be getting any sleep and he took that to mean I was calling off and said “we’ll figure something out.” I had to reiterate that I would indeed be showing up to work, but that I would be emotional. I recognize the two who pulled guns on my extended work family.
They said that if we called the cops they would come back and shoot us all. I didn’t know that until AFTER I had called 911 to report the robbery. After another employee (he didn’t know the threat either) and I both called 911, deputies were EVERYWHERE. We went into lockdown mode. We chained and padlocked the doors shut (I was the one to do that, knowing that it might mean I would be the one to die if they did come back since deputies were already all over the place looking for them).
But the worse part was not being there for my extended family at work. If you know, you know. And ifyou don’t know, now you know.If you don’t see your coworkers,even the ones you don’t like, as extended family (who agrees with their uncle on everything?), you are in the wrong job. The fact that I wasn’t there for them hurts me.
I know it’s not my fault. Don’t you DARE tell me there is nothing I could have done. I know it’s not on me that I didn’t know what was happening. But I am still allowed to feel bad that I wasn’t there to take one for the team. My drawer would have gotten them a lot less money. Even if they knew about my second separate drawer with back up cash. I would have given them that too, if they mentioned it. They still would have gotten a lot of money, but not as much as they got.
One shot at a cop. He hit the cop’s car door and not the deputy. Thank goodness.
But my mom looked up an article and I saw the names and I immediately thought , “I know exactly who they are.” They were regular sports bettors. So apparently while they were placing sports bets (which they did do), they were also casing the joint. They put my extended family’s lives on the line for maybe a year and a half of salary at my pay grade. That will cost them both decades in prison. That pisses me off and puts me in a LONG line of people who want to be let into the jail to kick their asses. I am not a violent person. But they put the LIVES OF MY EXTENDED FAMILY on the line. And the fact that one of them shot at a cop proves he was willing to use that power.
Nothing pisses me off more than some coward, who is only a man if he has a gun to back him up,thinking it makes him a man. . I have no gun. If I had one, I would not be allowed to carry one at work.
But there is a LOT of discussion going around about how to to prevent this in the future. In almost nine years of being open, this is the first time we were successfully robbed. And while some ideas I agree with and some I do not, I welcome ALL ideas. The trouble is that I am the security department manager, and the security department consists of ONE security guard, and while he CAN look intimidating when he needs to, he is a eddy bear.
And he was off the day we got robbed.
But I am done waiting for detectives for hours. after work. They made me wait for four and a half hours and then called it off because I was emotional because I almost lost some of my extended family  If they want to interview me, I welcome it. But come in while I am on the clock. I am tired of working wrounf their schedule and getting no sleep as a result. I gave them my schedule. If they don’t come in, that’s on them. I waited 4½ hours after they arrived (6½ hours after the robbery) to talk to someone. At that point I was too upset and how everything was handled. I told the detective off and left.
They can interview me on MY schedule or not interview me at all. I played by their schedule and it messed me up sleepwise.
6 notes · View notes
바다와 달 - The Ocean and the Moon
Episode 9 (June) - Part 4
(Soundtrack)
“I’m sorry.”
“Now you answer!” H almost yells at their phone in the car they managed to borrow to drive to their dad’s. They sigh. “What’s going on, hyung? I was so worried.”
“I - you know when I said I would live now and make choices for today and not worry about the future as much and fuck consequences? I guess yesterday was the specific day I tried not to worry about.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I just freaked out a bit. Needed to think.”
“And so you don’t even tell me where you are, where you’re going?”
C doesn’t say anything.
“C, it’s fine if you need a second to regroup. It happens, but you just can’t disappear.”
“Ok. I’m sorry. I just - needed to think about us, without you worrying that anything was going to change between us.” “What? What’s going on? Are you going to tell me what happened?”
“Have you ever had the feeling your life looks nothing like what you thought it would?”
“I don’t know. Maybe?”
“It’s happened to me twice since the hiatus. First when I met you and I realized I loved you and discovered this thing about myself and I knew as it happened my life branched out into something I could have never seen coming.”
“And now?”
“YuJin said we should keep our distance. There are rumors.”
“Oh no,” H says, gripping the wheel tighter.
“I’m sorry this is what you get,” C says, his voice breaking. “I thought once you knew how serious I felt about you and once we agreed we would try to make this work with our careers - I don’t know, I kind of thought the worst was over. It’s like I forgot why my career was a problem for us in the first place. I was just so happy.”
“We knew this was coming.” The lump in H’s throat is back. “It’s just a thing. I’m still happy. Just because life doesn’t look the way you thought it would, doesn’t mean it’s not a good life. I’m driving to you now.”
C stays quiet for a second.
“I didn’t say anything,” he says, “when YuJin said we should stay apart. My first instinct was, you know, he’s doing his job. It took me by surprise. I couldn’t tell him that something happened to me a few months ago and since then everything is different because I can’t unknow what I’ve learned about myself - the inconvenient fact that whoever I love and whatever I feel in the future, I know now I will never be the person they want me to be. I can’t unknow that, but I couldn’t tell him. And I want you and I couldn’t tell him either. I’m so sorry. I was so angry with myself. That’s why I couldn’t answer the phone. I felt like I wasn’t the person I assured you I was - the one who could face the consequences of a relationship with you.”
H is thinking, but doesn’t say anything.
“But it’s unavoidable,” C goes on, “and I won’t sacrifice myself for my career anymore. Or you. But you have a choice too. I heard - YuJin said you were getting harassed online.”
H sighs.
“You know, I don’t think I ever told you that, but I always wondered, when I heard you auditioned for the main role in the BL and then when you actually took the role, if you were actually brave, or completely reckless, or just oblivious. Or if I was just pessimistic about the state of Korean society. And then I got to know you and I realized you were aware of what could happen, and of the fact that just being involved in that project could already impact your career - you were aware and you did it anyway. Because there are things that are more important to you.” There’s a lump in H’s throat that is making it hard to speak, but he goes on. “I sometimes wonder if there isn’t an easier path I could take, just so things wouldn’t be so difficult so often. But the truth is I guess I am where I am because I don’t know another way to live my life. And I’ll get shit with or without you in my life. And I love you. And I think you are exactly the person you said you were when we first got together. And just the fact that we are having this conversation proves it.” H’s voice breaks, “And I don’t want you to disappear.” H breathes in, focusing on the road. “Also Joon hired a temporary moderator for my social media the other day. So there’s that.” He pauses. “We haven’t lost yet. And this isn’t where we give up. We’ll find a way.”
C lets out a shaky exhale.
“Okay,” he just says. 
“I can’t believe you’re making me say that from a car! On the road!” H sniffles and lets out a short laugh and looks up for a second, blinking back tears. “I can’t believe I was ready to search all of Seoul! And now you’re in my teenage bed!” H shakes their head. “You’re driving me crazy.”
“I’m sorry. I hear you. I love you. Be careful on the road. And hurry. I’m waiting for you.”
1 note · View note
pensat-i-fet · 2 years
Text
The Journalist’s Footballer- Chapters Nineteen and Twenty (Rúben Dias)
Word count: 2281
Chapter 19:
Rúben
I can’t believe how easily Christina has dropped that bomb. Her working at City? Moving here? 
I then realise I’m almost begging her to say yes to the offer. To move to another city. As if it was that easy. I know how hard it can be.
“I mean”, I say, “it sounds like a good opportunity, right?”
“It is. A great one”.
“So you’ll say yes?”, I say, hopeful.
“99% sure I will”, she smiles. “You ok with that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”, I ask confused.
“No reason. Just wanted to make sure you were ok with the decision”.
“Well, now you know I am”.
It’s the best news she could give me. I still will have to spend two months without seeing her, but then…then she’ll work with me. And live near me. 
“Where are you going to live?”
“Eh…I don’t know. I haven’t looked into it”.
“You could stay at my place”, I offer.
“What? Rúben, no! I can’t move in with you. You’re not going to let me pay for anything and…no. I refused my own parents’ help for a year to make it on my own, I can’t accept yours now. I won’t feel ok about it.”
I get that. And I really respect it. 
“Ok, how about this?”, I say. “If you say yes to the job and move here, you’ll do it while I’m away”.
“Yeah?”, she asks, intrigued with what I would say next.
“And I’ll need someone to look after my apartment. So how about you stay there, rent-free, and just make sure everything is fine while I’m away”. 
“I don’t know, Rúben. I…”
“Listen”, I interrupt. “You’ll have a couple of months to look at places where you can move when I’m back. And I won’t pay for anything”, I say, to appease her complaints. “You’ll still manage to save money. Doesn’t it sound good?”
I can almost hear her brain thinking.
“I guess that’s a pretty good idea…”
“Perfect!”, I say, beaming at her. “Let’s do this then”.
“I don’t know how you’ve managed to convince me, honestly”, she says, rolling her eyes at me, but smiling.
When we realize what time it is, we hurry to the car so she can make it on time to the train. Now it doesn’t feel that bad to separate from her. Knowing what the future holds.
Christina
Saying goodbye to Rúben at the train station was harder than it should have been. And I still can’t believe he’s convinced me to stay at his place while he’s away. But a part of me is happy about it. It’ll be easier to deal with the distance being surrounded by his things, right?
Wait, what if it’s worse?
But there is no time to think about it much because on Monday I have to go back to work. And face Matty.
When I get to the office, he isn't there. But Lewis is.
"Had a nice weekend?"
"I did. What about you?", I ask him. 
"I didn't get invited to any matches, so it was quite boring".
"Well, you'll have to work some more on your social skills. Maybe that's why no one wants you around", I tell him, adding a wink at the end.
He actually laughs.
When Matty gets to the office and sits in front of me, I can see him trying to catch my attention. But I ignore him. If I don't have to share a word with him again, it'd be for the best.
After noon, Dom finally has time to talk to me.
"So, what is it?"
"Well, this isn't easy to say but I have been offered another job".
"Ok", he says, clearly sad about the news. "I mean, I'm not surprised. Can I ask who wants to hire you?"
"Manchester City".
"Wow, ok!", he laughs. "That's no joke. Though, like I said, I'm not surprised. I knew you wouldn't last here long".
"I love it here. And I'm so thankful to you for everything you've done. But it's just an opportunity I can't say no to".
"I know, Chris. I wouldn't stop you from moving forward with your career. You know that".
"Thank you", I say sincerely. "I'll stay the next two weeks, as it says on my contract and I'll be able to do the interviews we had arranged".
"Always so professional", he laughs fondly. "City will be lucky to have you".
When I leave his office, Dom gives me a hug.
"We'll miss you a lot. You know that right?"
"I'll miss you too".
With a smile, he goes back to his office.
"Are you quitting?", says Lewis when I sit down at my desk.
"Ha! You wish. I got another job. I'll be leaving soon".
"You are leaving?", asks Matty. But I ignore him and continue typing.
**
The next day I get back to the office to find a big bouquet of flowers on my desk.
"Who sent this?", I ask.
"Your new employers", answers Lewis. "City, huh?".
"Yeah…City", I hear Matty muttering.
"Do you have something to say, Matthew?"
"Nothing I haven't said yet", he says, finding his courage all of a sudden. "Two dates with Dias and all of a sudden you work for City. Doesn't take a genius to guess how things work".
"Maybe, just maybe, he didn't have anything to do with this and I was offered the job because of my work ethic. Ever thought of that option?", I tell him. We are now both standing.
"Nah, I've been working with you for a while so it can't be that. It must be because you are sleeping with him. Too bad I never managed to get you to sleep with me. No matter how hard I tried to pretend to be your friend".
And that's the last straw. I slap him as hard as I can.
I hear Lewis gasp.
"What the fuck? You fucking bitch!"
"You don't get to talk to me like that ever again, Matthew. Fuck you!”
After that, I leave to buy some lunch. I mostly need the fresh air and to take deep breaths. Count to 10 maybe? I think I'm having a panic attack.
Chapter 20:
Rúben
"Sorry, I have to get this", I tell the boys before leaving the table to answer Christina's call.
"Hey, how are you?"
"I think I'm having a panic attack", she says.
"What? What happened?"
"I slapped Matty", she what? "And now I'm shaking".
"Did he touch you?", I said, worried.
"No, he was telling me I only got this job because according to him I’m sleeping with you and I got tired of his shit and slapped him".
"Can you breathe properly?", I ask, checking for anxiety symptoms.
"Yes. I just feel shaky".
"I think that's the adrenaline from slapping him. Not a panic attack".
"Oh", she says. "Right. It could be".
"Did it feel good?"
She laughs. "You have no idea".
I can't lie. I'm jealous of her right now.
"I'm so tired of them. Dom was so happy and proud of me. He is the only one that ever valued me, you know?"
"He's not the only one, Christina. Tom also did, which is why he offered you the job".
"I guess".
"You know what? I saw him yesterday before you called him to say you wanted the job and he was asking me to beg you to accept the offer because he knew you’ll be getting many more soon".
"Really?", she laughs.
"Really. You are valued. By so many people. Don't listen to those two idiots. It's their loss. They stay there while you grow".
"Thank you, Rúben".
"No need to thank me. I'm always here for you", I remind her. 
"I know", she says softly.
"Are you better now?"
"Yeah. I don't really want to go back to the office…oh God! I slapped Matty", she groans.
"He had it coming", I said shrugging, even though she can't see me.
"Maybe I can work from home…"
"Christina, go back to that office".
"Ok ok", she says laughing. "Talk to you later?”
“I’ll be patiently waiting for our evening facetime call”.
"Ok, until then".
"Bye!"
Christina
When I get back to the office, I see that Matty is gone. And so is my bouquet.
“Lewis, where are my flowers?”
“Matty threw them to the floor. I cleaned the mess”.
I take a deep breath.
“Do you want to know why I don’t like you, Christina?”, he asks, surprising me.
“Enlighten me”.
“My best friend didn’t get the job because of you”.
“What?”, I say. I didn’t know of other people applying for this job when I did.
“Yeah. And he said to me that it was because they wanted a girl, for diversity and stuff”.
“And you believed him?”
“At first, yeah”, he says. “Then I realised that even if that was Dom’s original reason, you deserved being here. But it still hurt that my friend lost to you”.
“So you treated me like shit for almost a year even though you knew you were being unfair?”, I say, not believing how petty he could be.
“Yeah, well…”, he says.
I get up from my desk to get the things I was printing from the printer.
“Everyone always praised you for how good you were, you know?”, he continues. “Always pointing out how brilliant it was that a woman was in this job, doing so well”.
“It’s not my fault other people put so much emphasis on my sex, is it?”
“I guess not”, he shrugs. “But it still annoyed me. And then you go and start hanging out with Dias and it pissed me off because I felt like you were throwing the opportunity of people taking you seriously to the bin".
“Lewis, be honest with me. Do you really believe I got the job at City because of Rúben?”, for some reason, I need to know his real feelings about this.
“No, I don’t. And I don’t know if you are dating him, sleeping with him or doing none of that. Nor do I care, I’m not Matty. But I know it isn’t because of him that you got the job”.
“Thanks”.
“Matty doesn’t believe it either. He just wants to punish you”.
“Well, that says it all about him, doesn’t it?”, I say, annoyance mixed with hurt.
**
The next two weeks are a mix of emotions. On the one hand, the excitement of my move and the prospect of a new job. On the other, the days at the office.
The tension could be cut with a knife. But thankfully, there is only one day left. And I’ll spend most of it interviewing Eric Dier. Best way to finish my time here.
When I finally get to the Tottenham Training Centre, I pinch myself. I can’t believe I’m here. My dad is so jealous.
The interview with Dier goes so well. He’s really funny and I know the viewers will particularly love the final bit of the video, where he’s answering their questions.
“Thanks, Eric, that was brilliant”, I say, shaking his hand.
“It was my pleasure. I heard this is your final interview for this channel and you are a Spurs fan. Nice send-off, huh?”, he laughs.
“Couldn’t ask for a better one”, I say with a silly grin on my face. “Do you mind taking a photo with me? For the promotion of the interview and also because, you know, you are you”.
“Let’s do it”, he says, standing next to me with a big smile on his face.
“Thank you, it was a pleasure meeting you”.
“Pleasure was mine. Good luck on your next job”.
“Thanks!”
On my way back from the office, I get a call from Rúben.
“Hello, dear landlord”.
“Hi! How was the interview with Dier?”
“Oh my God! I loved it! He’s so great!”, I say, grinning again.
“Not that great, he used to play for Sporting”, he says, sounding annoyed.
“Huh?”
“My rivals. Back in Portugal”, he clarifies.
“Oh, right. Your Arsenal”.
He laughs. “Yeah, my Arsenal”.
“So”, he says. “Are you going to Brighton tomorrow then?”
“Yes, first thing in the morning. Everything is packed and ready to go to Manchester, so I can relax properly while I’m there”.
“And watch me beat Spurs”, he laughs.
“Do you realise I’ll be living in your apartment for two whole months? I can get my revenge in many ways, pretty boy”.
That only makes him laugh louder. We keep chatting until I get to the office. Given the current mood, there is no farewell party for me. But Dom wants to take me out for lunch, which I’m really looking forward to.
“To you being a superstar”, Dom says, raising his glass of wine.
I laugh and blush. “Thank you. You’re a big part of my path. I won’t forget that”.
“Christina, I know the last couple of weeks haven’t been easy for you. But you are about to start a huge period of your life. You’ve already found people who want to bring you down, but the higher you get, the more you’ll find them. Be smart and be careful”.
“I will”, I say, going over what he just said in my mind.
After our lunch, we go back to the office and I get all of my things for one final time.
“Bye, Chris. Good luck!”, says Lewis after a very awkward hug. 
“Thank you, you too”.
I give one final look to Matty, who doesn’t even raise his eyes to look at me. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe we should just both forget about each other.
23 notes · View notes
dyketennant · 2 years
Text
i really don't like coming online to beg with everything going on; however, i am very pressed about my financial situation this upcoming semester and i really need to get transport situated by august (my city's public transport sucks ass).
for context, i'm currently working a customer service that, while it pays well, has led to me developing wrist problems that make it difficult for me to function. i am starting a new job in the fall that will open up more creative opportunities for me; however, it pays less, and i'm struggling to figure out how to manage transport to both that and uni. i have a lot saved up for a car, but cars and gas are stupid fucking expensive in the u.s., and i'm trying to build up an emergency fund.
i'm not asking for donations (unless you're feeling super generous), however i am opening writing commissions. i can do freelance poetry, script writing, short stories, oc work, whatever. (*edit: as long as it is not too graphic and/or goes against my morals.)
i'm also more than happy to edit your writing, creative or otherwise, as i have a lot of experience in that. dm me and we can work out a rate depending on length & content.
here is my ko-fi. my current rate is one poem = one coffee. for other pieces, dm me for my rates. i also take venmo and paypal if that's easier for you.
i'm a nonbinary lesbian hoping to work in the creative field sharing queer stories, and i'm trying to build up a base for that while also being able to sustain myself with my work. if you're interested in a commission or working with me, please reach out; i also have experience with podcasting and editing.
thank you so much for reading this all the way through!! i'm sorry it was so long, i genuinely feel shitty with everything going on in the world, but i really need to build up a savings account. again, i am not asking for money without a service in return. thank you again :) <3
14 notes · View notes
stonesthrowaway · 11 months
Text
My Dearest [REDACTED], Comin to ya live from the friendliest airport in the world... that's right folks, you guessed it - the Bob Hope Airport right here in Sunny Burbank, California! I have some time - just an hour or so - until the first leg of my travels. Bouncing from here to (Vivaaaa) Las Vegas (!!), then there to Atlanta where I'll be for a couple hrs before an hour jaunt down to Bayou Country... Miz New Orleans herself. I'm already a little teary at the idea of seeing [ABC], and also because I think traveling alone does that to a person. My life, my singularity, my little taroc pack, my little knapsack, my important-not-important-looking-after-myself-lonesome-in-the-air, Everyone Knows this is Nowhere of it all. The whistling sound you imagine you hear when you lean your head against the glass. The chill of it, so high. Can't wait to descend into the Big Easy and soak myself in her bath awhile - saturate saturate, sip it down, goes down so easy. Nervous abt what to wear to the premiere tmrw bc don't want to overdress and don't want to underdress. Brought multiple dresses and one seta jeans - will borrow shorts from [ABC] as needed. I once read [XYZ] nickname [ABC] as "na" in a text. I've taken to calling [REDACTED] B both in texts and out loud. "Eyo, B!!" has lived in my head and mouth like a comic book holler, like a flung lasso, B is for Boomerang.
I want to write more -- even all this ^^ feels fun, feels miles and miles easier than handwriting. My handwriting isn't so good and golly does my hand cramp up. Rather than sticking my nose in the air over a keyboard and machine mediating my relationship - brain-to-text - in writing via computer, I'm welcoming any version of it bc want to encourage it more. [[filmstill from NAKED LUNCH ft. cockroach spy typewriter]] I meant to bring a paperback to read whilst traveling but neglected to grab one on my way out the door. Tied one off last night, well'n'truly. I get horribly loud while drunk, what with all the dropping things and sudden conviction to hammer nails into walls. I did the majority of my packing last night and fell asleep with a wee bitta bleach in two wisps of my hair - awoke to the familiar old smell of it, and found a very very mild lightening that looks pretty natural. [[webcam selfie of me]] (Author Pictured Here, A Different Drunk Night)
I asked my boss what his dream would be if he didn't have this job and he said sports team manager. I asked if it was comparable in glamour to this and he laughed and said it was much more. We laugh every single day multiple times a day and I don't believe I could be happier or better matched than I am with him.
He gave me a lift to the airport which is v kind, my first time in his car. I told him my dream other job would be bohemia. Lots of oil painting, living in a converted warehouse with a ton of windows, lots of art friends, drinking absinthe (but that goes without saying). Making experimental short films. What I didn't tell him is how close my life is to that right now!! Got all of it except the elastic time, except the art saturation and output. That's okay.
  Drew a picture the other day - like a rly in depth, multiple colors, good one - and also played guitar for a couple hrs and it felt wonderful. One of my favorite headspaces is the one where I start to feel like myself again.
I love you very fucking much. I love receiving your multiparagraph texts, pls don't let my inability to respond while at work/in unfit headspace to discourage you from writing! I love them.
From this seat at Gate B1, I see the sun dimming into a nice sunsetty indefinable color. You know the one, like dipped paintwater. Wow, that just made me remember that [BLANK] (who I befriended on the second floor) used to wait for a certain shade of blue when night fell. When he remembered to turn from his computer and look out the huge windows behind him he'd holler if it was the right shade blue, or else say regretfully that it wasn't quite the color yet. I just fucking love people, I love love idiosyncratic people, I love being near them and witnessing what their days are like and how they talk.
Can hardly wait til I catch ya next. I hope you're having a smashing week, doll. <3
1 note · View note
ketrindoll · 2 years
Note
What is your opinion on non-ethnic Russians who are in Russia that is minority ethnic groups. I am Georgian and Jewish, born in moscow, live in Germany since i am 7 and oppose the war and feel guilty for having underestimated Putolini. (he is a facist).
What i did see in 1990s Yelzin Russia is that ethnic Russians and unfortunately generally slavic people in Russia, did call Georgians (and other Caucasians) "Blackarses", "Churkas" and even Navalny called us Rodents and Cockroaches.
Yet, when i look at Russia now, even the northern Asian minorities, who are "normally" even more opressed by ethnic Russians are for the war at times. I think Putinism shifted "racial/ethnic hiearchies".
I noticed a lot in russian media (films, TV series, arts) a complete exclusion of other ethnicities in Russia. There are ethnic white russian slavs, and then there are Georgians, Azbechks, Ukrainians, Kazachks, etc. Regardless if they have russian passport/citizenship.
I think it just further proves russian racism. They want to take over other nations, but anyone who isn't "pure russian" is The Other. That's why people like you are just handed shit cards, no other way to say it. They never would see you, or any other non-ethnic russian person, as their equal, as part of their culture, even though their imperialism states that all of these nationalities must be under Russia's rule.
It's racist and exploitative. My dad was once dating a russian woman from the Asian part of Russia. She had Asian features. She was constantly targetted with racial slurs, her car was vandalised, despite her family living in Russia for centuries. But she's still The Other. If you look at Moscow, where the government allocates most of state funds (tax money basically), it's 98% white ethnic russian. Asian republics are exploited but receive nothing in return. As someone whose family lived under russian occupation, I also heard of "Churka" jokes. How it's "narrow-eyes" who are backwards and stupid. I heard of Georgian stereotypes, too.
Russians talk a lot about "brotherhood of nations". Or that Ukrainians are their "brothers" because they're also slavs. But then have no issue committing attrocities against them. Nations, even in USSR, were never equal. Russian was a compulsory language. Russian culture was meant to be the general culture. Any attempt at displaying national identity was suppressed. And cartoons showed other races as inferior, indoctrinating children from an early age.
I see you're also raising questions why those oppressed ethnic groups are "pro-war". I would establish 3 reasons for it:
1. Lack of education. Severely underfunded, Asian republics or ethnic minority schools have sub-par education. They are being indoctrinated from an early age, without any alternative shown.
2. Propaganda. Uneducated and poor people are always more prone to falling victims to hateful narratives. People need to know who the villain is who caused them their misfortunes and Russia was very successful at portraying Ukraine or the West as that villain. Sanctions are not the result of the government - no, it's the West trying to punish Russia for caring too much. And, on the principles of Dedovshchina, if you've been abused or treated as sub-human, it might be easier to know there's someone still below you (in this case, Ukrainians).
3. Money. Army gives more money than any job in their impoverished regions could. It's a way out. That's why they loot in Ukraine. That's why so many Ethiopians are signing up to fight Ukraine, too, despite not even knowing what for. Ethiopians are being offered 400$ a month - in a country engulfed in civil war that's a lot of money. For ethnic minorities in Russia it's the same thing.
Sorry for the long answer. I hope I managed to answer your ask and wish you all the best!
13 notes · View notes
laurfilijames · 2 years
Note
What's your favorite scene you've ever wrote for Kíli?
-midearthwritings 💛
Hi Max! Thank you for coming by and asking this!
This turned out to be harder than I thought. I don’t have too many Kili scenes to choose from, but I did manage to find one out of a few that I loved writing from my fic Durin’s Garage Part 2, even though this is technically a Fili fic 😅 I always get a kick out of writing interactions between the two of them, which is why this scene sticks out for me.
Apparently he wasn’t doing too good of a job, because Kili soon took notice of the grin trying to strangle itself out on his cheeks as his mind continued on with the memory of what you and him did together.
Kili had wandered onto the shop floor about half an hour ago, tinkering with various objects in no ways that were useful, clearly trying to earn his paycheck without putting in too much effort.
“Are you going to tell me anything about her or not?” he pestered for what had to be the hundredth time.
“No.”
Kili was now standing directly beside him, watching his every move, about to point out an ‘easier way of doing that’ which would earn him a punch in the gut, but instead said with offence and slight disgust; “You stink, Fi.”
“Then don’t stand so close to me. And if you are, pick up a fucking wrench.”
“When’s the last time you showered? You smell like,” his face screwed up in repulsion, “sex and grease.”
“That’s because I had sex, twice, and I’m covered in grease unlike you who hasn’t done a bloody thing all day.” Fili shoved his oily hand into Kili’s face, smearing his boyish looks with black grime. “And it’s about as hot as satan’s ass crack outside; you’d be sweating too if you happened to do any work.”
“Oi! Could the two of you knock it off?” Dwalin shouted from underneath a car, his grumbling accent muted by the mass of steel above him.
“Yes, Ki, either help me, or skive off!” Fili grunted out, struggling to remove a seized bolt.
“Someone who just got laid should not be in such a foul mood!” Kili said in a too-happy tone as he sat himself up on a table, kicking his legs in the air like he was little again. “What’s this all about anyway? It’s not like you to have a pretty girl pull you away from your craft.” He waved his hand around flippantly, a confused look crossing his normally relaxed features.
Fili sighed, leaning with his arms up in the air against the braces of the hoist. He truly didn’t know the answer to that question; he’d never acted so impulsively before, acting on instinct as if his heart, amongst other parts of his body, were telling him you were worth interrupting his comfy routine of work and sleep for.
“I dunno, it just feels…different.” he finally answered, knowing that wouldn’t be a good enough response for Kili.
“A good different?”
“Very.”
“So you’re going to try to make this one work? See if she can stand you long enough?”
“That’s what I’d like to happen, yeah,” Fili said absently, his thoughts solely consumed by you again.
“She looked like she was ready to lay down on the greasy floor right then and there for you when I left last night.”
Fili chuckled at the memory, having caught the gleam in your eyes that told him everything he needed to know about how raw and desperately you needed him.
“Yeah, she did,” he agreed, his smile quickly fading as he came back to the present, realizing he was over-sharing with his nosy brother. “Why am I telling you all of this anyway? Don’t you have some invoices to go over or customers to deal with?”
“Ori’s here, he’s got the phones and billing all under control,” he said in his most diplomatic voice. “At least tell me if the sex was good!” he pleaded, prying for more information.
“Ask the bench you're currently sitting on.”
“The…what?” he asked, confused as ever, looking down at the surface beneath him.
Within seconds he figured it out, leaping off of it as if it was on fire or contaminated with some kind of flesh eating disease, brushing his pants off as he cursed at his brother.
Meanwhile, Dwalin’s disturbed muttering could scarcely be heard from under the car and Fíli’s chuckling.
“You lot are bloody unbelievable,” he scowled, scrambling to get his creeper out from under the car frame. “If Thorin knew of half the crap you two do in a day he’d—”
The sound of his head banging hard against it caused both brother’s to burst out in laughter, and Kili to trot away into the office as if he’d been there the whole time.
3 notes · View notes
3rd-decade · 5 months
Video
youtube
The healing is not my fault but it is my responsibility.  It’s wild how almost everything on this list I feel, know I’ve faced (am facing,) or I’ve worked past. Most of them I’m still working on. 
Guilt
I really don’t feel guilt about anything. I used to have inklings of survivor’s guilt. Well, I guess I’ve obsessed over guilt when I’ve done something I know I shouldn’t have or wish I could’ve made better choices - I thought that was just human tho. 
Feel Abandoned
Very often I do feel abandoned if I’m not invited somewhere or introduced to someone. I notice this most in my intimate relationships - if they go out and I’m not invited (knowing that we both need our individual time and space and wanting that... but also feeling as though I want to feel important enuf to also be invited even if I’m not too keen on the folk.) A handful of times I can also recount where I felt abandoned or betrayed by my partner of the time because they chose a different outing instead of one with me. If I’m out in a crowd or group of people and I see people talking I usually think they’re talking about me or judging me. If someone doesn’t talk to me or say hi I automatically think that they hate me or something - although there are cases of envy, jealousy and what not it’s not the case every time.  Over Responsible
Over responsible, I’ve felt this in my personal relationships; family, friends and lovers. Like I need to constantly go the extra mile to provide things that will make their life easier - even though it’s something that they should and can handle by themselves.  Obsessively Worry What Others Think Of You
I fasho obsessively think about what other people may think of me. That’s one of the major things I want to change about my mind frame - to not give a fuck and just be me 1000%. From what I wear, what I do, where I go, how I dance, what I say, what I create, etc etc. I owe it to my younger Self, present Self and future Self to just let it all hang out and BE. Even now as I type this on my Tumblr with 0 followers or onlookers I’m editing what/how I say something with the other in mind. 
Never Feel Good Enough
I used to never feel good enough but this is definitely something that I have moved past. There might still be moments and triggers but for the most part I know that I good enough and in some instances more than good enough. 
Immature Dysfunctional Parents All 4 of my parents were immature to to an extent and definitely dysfunctional but doesn’t mean they were without love and care - one set of parents struggled with addiction issues and the other set of parents were very young when they took guardianship of me. So, they were really kids themselves trying to raise a highly traumatized child.  You Feel Stuck And Don’t Know How To Change It Been here way too many times. The feeling is in my chest a bit - these past 3 years I’ve felt this; knowing I didn’t want to stay in the situation or city I was/am in. I’m to a point now where I’m making changes - I got a 2nd job to aid in paying things off so I can save up for my own place and car. I’m working out, getting my body and mind back, creating a routine that works for me.  You Cling Or Push People Away Yeah, this is a major one I’m really still trying to manage and figure out. It’s almost as if I’ve spent so much of my life pleasing others, chasing others that I want them to please me and chase me even if I push them away. It’s like I’m almost testing people to see how much they really care or love me (?) But I know sometimes when I really just want to be held and nurtured I end up pushing people away that try to do that. Then there are moments where I am clingy to a person when I was just pushing them away. And now that I’m typing this out it reminds me of my relationship with my biological mom - I don’t think she intended to push and pull but that’s what the addiction did to her and since my birth it’s been engrained in me in a way. I know it’s very possible to undo that pattern and create a new one. It’s mandatory at this point especially with how I want to create meaningful, lasting relationships with friends, family and lovers. I need to learn how to accept and receive without worrying if they’re going to leave.  Rocky, Unfulfilling Relationships I’ve definitively had my fair share - more than the good, solid and stable ones. Working on this majorly because I’m ready for a peaceful, emotionally intelligent and unconditionally partnership in love.  You Stay When You Should Go Yeah. It’s like, I have to see it through and if there’s anything else I can do I want to do it. But no, I know it’s not beneficial for my mental or physical health. Working on this, and I mean in a way all these things work together. When I learn to heal the root then theoretically all these things should change/heal as well. 
0 notes
luxlucis3 · 11 months
Text
Lifestyle the Luxury Life
Tumblr media
At present, just about any job may be possible from home: from artwork design, financial study to trading. Not long ago a friend of my verizon prepaid phone suggested we perform neurolinguistic programming (NLP) session on Skype. I was floored that her purchasers were buying the products and services she would provide via the internet rather than in-person, which might cost more.
Globalisation has undoubtedly adjusted our lives: this languages we connect, the food we consume, the way we attire and even the way you work. I can have Casablanca, deliver modules in a local or even and deal with this London clients. I'm also able to work with my organization a bit everywhere in the society and coordinate functions or content for ones Leader World. Much of our managing editor is reliant in Virginia, NORTH AMERICA, but this doesn't necessarily stop us out of communicating and consistently thinking, creating together with sharing…
Communications possess definitely been one of the many drivers of this cutting edge way of working and additionally living. Phone in addition to Internet make much of our lives much easier. Along with VoIP broke completely new groups of working with openness and mobility concurrently. Recently, I provided a lecture to be able to American students inside Kansas, in between get together in London along with through my computer at the British Catalogue. They didn't find out where I ended up being until the moderator questioned.
Timothy Ferriss is right to write to the cover of her book 'Escape your 9-5. Live at any place. And join the revolutionary rich. ' My partner and i was never a good fan of in offices. I usually felt suffocated.
I recall myself complaining together with my mom indicating me that 'it was life and this I would get used to this eventually. ' We knew that was possibly not for me. I had to bring about my own job and additionally choose where I needed to work. In other words, become free to work exactly where I wanted to. Nowadays, with a laptop as well as a phone line, I will work from almost anyplace. I still didn't managed to work solely 4 hours in one week like Ferriss advocated, but I am not really complaining.
At times 'I am at home' can make people believe I mean 'I here's free', but it is really certainly not the case. At times I also think about what the concierge of the building is required to be thinking, seeing your car in the car lot not push for days in addition to wondering how I will stay in for that long without stepping out and about. He must think that I have inherited some bucks or won a lottery.
The reality is various because working from home would not exactly mean watching youtube and being bought doing that. I actually still have to juggle many things at the same time: seminar calls, emails, records, reading, writing and many thinking… Sometimes I may have to do all that along with worry about doing a lot of housework too. Even so the advantages of working from home tend to be countless. I can take pleasure in being with a loved ones while being employed and also eat selfmade healthy food, which isn't actually always the case the moment eating out.
1 note · View note
seethingbazel · 1 year
Text
When I was 18 I worked at McDonald’s.
It was a privately owned one, and the woman who owned it was one of those people that thought two very specific things.
1. She -owned- McDonald’s. Not just her store, but she had an ego the size of earth and thought her one measly family owned store meant she OWNED the franchise.
And 2. She was the ✨Manager✨ and that made her a god among dirt. Not men. Dirt.
I remember being really really good at the drive through window so that’s where they always put me. Until I came back from the military and suddenly my Tinnitus was so loud I couldn’t hear over the “beeping” and she took that personally. She told me if I quit that she “won”. That I needed to “better myself” and I tried. I thought
“Maybe this is encouragement. Maybe she’s right.”
Until the day my best friend was in a car accident. And then the day after my cat died and that same day I fell on the job.
I remember crying in the deep freezer.
“Why can’t I just get paid to do nothing?” Clearly nothing would be SO much easier than this.
And today? I’ve not left my bed since I woke this morning at 7am. It’s 4pm.
I’ve been on disability for almost 4 years, and it’s a curse. My legs hardly work, I was recently diagnosed with Melanoma, narcolepsy makes day to day things a nightmare. Appointments are impossible without a car or anyone here that cares about my life.
It begs the question; am I really even supposed to have made it this far..?
There’s literally nothing good in my physically life right now.
And there hasn’t been for years.
My kitten is here. But I can’t talk to her like I can a person.
“Home is where the heart is.”
And mine lives 800 miles away.
Idk
0 notes
lokigodofaces · 2 years
Text
if this is not the final roommate post i'm gonna scream
I literally moved out over a week ago, but here I am.
Real fast so that things make sense, I despise the "forgive and forget" ideology, I think it's terrible and dangerous. I personally define forgiveness as less about the person who did the bad thing and more about the victim. I dunno, this is an unpopular view probably, I'm from a minority religion so that's where this comes from, but I view forgiveness as more about the victim moving on from what happened and not letting whatever it was tie them down (not a very good explanation but whatever). Just getting that out of the way so things make sense in case I talk about forgiveness (I don't edit these posts because I struggle with editing personal stuff like this, it's easier to just throw it all in a post in a semi-coherent way).
I'm just annoyed because I haven't seen them since the 20th, and stuff keeps happening still. And the times it's happened, I've been not really thinking about them. Like I haven't completely moved on, right, but I was definitely in the process. And then something happens that drags me into the emotional mess this has caused me again.
The first time was pretty meh. I was the last person to move out, so I had to deal with anything that was left by anyone. And if it was a few things, I wouldn't mind that much. But there was so much stuff. I had to completely clean parts of the kitchen again because they managed to get stuff dirty in less than a day. They took none of their food with them, and I had to throw away most of it because there was no way most of it would last in 5 hours in a car when it was 100 degrees outside. Wouldn't last for them either, but this was right after everything, and I had only had a day without them in my lives. And none of them told me they were going to leave all of their food (it was like six bags I had to throw out!). So I was stressed about that because wasting food is really hard for me. But, I understand that this really was small, and I was just still emotional from the rest of the semester. But I was upset because I was hoping that I'd be able to move on now that they weren't living with me, but, nope, stuff kept coming back.
And then last night. So I said before that one of them gave me an apology note and I highlighted the problems with it. And I've kind of just, pushed it out of my mind (until now). I was coming back home, trying to get a full time job, I've had 2 dental appointments, I have an optometrist appointment this week, I'm still not unpacked, my family got back from a vacation right before I moved back in, things have just been crazy. So I'm only now (sorta) at a place mentally where I can think about it. And I've figured I'd text her some response, I just wanted to wait until my emotions have cooled down a bit more so that I wouldn't say something I'd regret. Well, around midnight last night I got a text from the other roommate also apologizing. Didn't say much, just:
"Hey, I just wanted to apologize for not being the best roommate."
Not much of an acknowledgement of what it was that was hurtful. And this is more than a week after I last saw her. I didn't expect anything from her at all (and I was fine with that! I don't want anything to do with them!). So this is what has thrown me into another loop. I was prepared to text the other one (well, I wasn't, but much more so), but I don't want to hear from them really, even for an apology. Because neither of them really mean it. I know this because, again, Ellie did not get an apology. So this has pushed me way back on my process of letting go.
1) I want them to just leave me alone. Honestly, I don't care if they apologize or not. I just don't want to deal with them again, and I thought I wouldn't have to.
2) Again, why are they apologizing to me and not Ellie? Really, they treated Ellie worse. I haven't said all of it because it's not all my story to tell, but Ellie deserves an apology more than me. At least they pretended to be nice to me. One was only ever nasty to Ellie.
3) If they're apologizing to me, I'm pretty sure it's only because I actually said something about how we felt. They were having their chat and I came in and told them what really happened to Ellie and I (I emphasized Ellie and I being in the same boat). So now they're trying to apologize to me because I made them feel bad. But if they were really apologetic, they would apologize to both of us, even though Ellie was not a part of this conversation. I'd rather no apology over a fake one.
4) How am I even supposed to respond? I'm sure they're wanting me to be all like, "It's okay, I forgive you guys, most of it was my fault anyway haha." Heck no. Yes, I'm going to get over this sooner or later. But that doesn't mean everything is all good. They still caused so many problems that had consequences. Consequences I'm going to have to live with. But I feel like it reflects badly on me if I don't acknowledge there was an attempt at apologizing. But how am I supposed to do that without being accusatory, showing how I feel, not letting them think I'm okay with what they did, etc? How? I'm probably going to wait until Saturday to think about it and come up with something to say. I will take any suggestions because I have no idea what to do. But does it make sense why I feel I need to say something? It just feels like that if I don't say something, I'm just being bitter, and I don't want to give them anything else to talk behind my back about.
5) Okay, so this is an irrational fear. And I get that. But I just kind of need to voice it (and my mouth has been numb for hours so that won't happen verbally for a while it seems so I may as well say something here). So, part of me is worried that one or both of them will try to be all kind now and try to be my friend. But I want nothing to do with either of them! I just want them to leave me alone, and I'll leave them alone! And the thing is, they had their chances to be my friends. They had a whole semester to get their act together and to be decent to Ellie and I. Why would I ever want to associate with them again? All I want to do is stay away them. There's no way I can trust them now, and I have every right to keep myself out of a situation with them where I could get hurt. I know I have no real reason to think this could happen (well...one of them did say she wished she knew me better, and that has lead to my line of thinking), but it's not like both of them have done much to help me not stress. I'll figure out what to do, but only if it happens. Right now, I'm trying to convince myself I'm being paranoid. Though I might just block them if they become an issue.
So, yeah, I am going to have a mental breakdown if this is not the last one of these posts. Hopefully it is. Thank you for helping me through it. If you have advice for that apology stuff, message me or put it in the replies.
0 notes