#i am scared to death i'll someday get it too

[ixyee]

Nobody but us: Red String of Fate

Xu Minghao x reader

Word Count: 1.6k

Genre: Zombie Apocalypse au

Warnings: Deaths, Guns, Blood, use of curse words, lowkey cannibalism(some zombie bites) somewhat suggestive (some chapters), panic attacks

CHAPTER 1: Together?

Why did the world turned like this? So fucked up. All I wanted was to live my life with you, grow old with you, get married, have children that looks exactly like us, and we’d all spend our days in love and happiness together…

But I guess everything wasn’t what I imagined it will be. Now it’s too late, it's either kill or be killed, but I'll be fine as long as you're with me.

"Love??, were running low on supplies, we cant stay here anymore", you said.

I could hear the concern in your voice but I knew it was for our well being, for our survival.

“Yeah, okay, but Hao? Where are we gonna go now?”, I replied.

“Don’t worry we’ll find someplace to shelter together.”

With your reassuring tone, I felt myself smile. Maybe everything won’t turn to shit because we’re strong enough to handle everything together.

Together.

Will we stay together forever though?, Its the questions in my mind that haunts me. The What if’s, If ever’s, and I'm scared. I’m scared that maybe all those thoughts were bound to happen.

What if one of us got bit?

What if one of us dies?

What if were not really meant to stay together until the end?

But then there’s always a shimmer of hope at the back of my head.

What if there’s a cure?

What if we can find a place to stay forever?

What if someday all of this madness ends and everything goes back to how it was before?

But i’m not stupid, i know there’s a chance we might lose our life. We may run out of food eventually, water runs out sooner or later and then...

we will die.

I am not afraid to die.

Because there is nothing else I wanna do than spend my life with you. Because no matter who gets bitten, who gets eaten or who loses an eye, I love you and I always want to be with you, always.

And if I’m gonna die tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that, then I wanna die as someone who loves you deeply. Someone who will die with you, holding your hand when you’re feeling down. When things seem to get worse, I’ll tell you about how I had hoped I could take care of you until we both die.

Maybe you don’t understand what I mean.

But I love you so much.

So when the next day comes, let’s try and face it together, right?

Together.

I lay down on the makeshift bed that we made and scooted closer to you. You wrapped your arms around me and I close my eyes. You nuzzled against my cheek, Your hearbeat lulling me sleep.

“Sleep well my love, We’ll leave at sunrise, Don’t worry about anything, I’ll be here and never leave your side.” I smiled and nodded. My eyes started to droop shut.

“Hao...i love you so much, you’re my everything. Forever.”

“ I love you too, so much, and I’ll love you forever”, I heard you mutter back.

I closed my eyes and drifted off into peaceful slumber.

We left the house as soon as it was morning and started our journey toward civilization. As expected, the walk through hell seemed endless and the sun was rising, casting a golden glow over the land. The undead didn’t approach us for hours, as we had managed to find a path without getting caught by them. It was nice knowing we weren’t alone and we had each other to rely on.

After hours and hours of walking, and scavenging abandoned campsites, its already sunset, luckily we found a decent spot to stop for a while to rest. There was a river nearby and some bushes growing wild where we could build a fire to boil water. We set up camp for the night and prepared dinner for ourselves since there was none of the food we usually have on us.

“Y/N, You should get some sleep, i know you're tired from all the walking. Don't worry love, I'll stay awake to keep watch, I’ll wake you up if anything happens” You said while getting comfortable beside me.

“Thank you, my love”, I replied. I gave you a small kiss and laid back on the bedroll we used for our shelter.

“Sweet dreams”, you whispered and I fell asleep shortly after. The last thing I remember before my eyelids drop and I fall into dreamland is the smell of burning leaves.

This time it was you who woke me up. With shaky fingers you gently caressed my face, waking me up slowly.

You smiled when you saw the sleepy expression on my face and kissed my forehead softly. You placed your hands on my chest and leaned in. I smiled lazily as you brushed our noses lightly against each other. “Good morning.”

“Good morning darling. Have you been awake all this time?”, I asked.

“I was”, You replied.

You smiled and pecked my lips, “Let’s eat something before we go.”

“Yes please”, I agreed and grabbed the bag that has some of supplies left.

We ate in silence, just the sound of birds singing and the trees dancing with the wind . I loved it when you went quiet and I could listen to your breathing as we sat side by side, sharing the same breath as I looked at you.

The sky turned a beautiful shade of blue, Your hands rest on top of mine. You squeezed my hand softly. “Are you alright?”

I sighed and rested my head on yours. “I don’t know…”.

“Is there something wrong?”

It hurts. Every time you put your hand on mine, every time you brush my hair, every time we hug each other...everytime you smile at me, it hurts. I feel like as each day goes by I’m losing you bit by bit and it hurts, because I want so badly to hold onto the feeling you give me. I wish it could last forever, that I could keep on living in your love and affection.

“Do you think we can still be happy, after everything that happened…after the apocalypse?”

Your grip tightened slightly, “Of course we can, Babe. I know what I’ve told you is probably hard to believe, but we’ll always have each other. That doesn’t change. Even if the both of us turned old and can’t walk anymore, we can just crawl, and we will do that together too.” you said while having a small chuckle escape your mouth.

We laughed for a while longer before I finally spoke again, this time quieter. “You know Hao, I’ve never really thought about our future…about us…and what our life could look like after all of this is over..”.

“Yeah”, You chuckled.

I continued, “Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, what kind of people we would meet, what kind of relationships we would form. I always think about what our kids might look like…or what types of animals will we adopt as pets. It’s weird, isn’t it? With all this stuff happening, I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of future will we have together.”

There was that word again.

A life together.

We talked about marriage, about raising children, about what our children will grow up to be. Everything seemed distant and unreal but at the same time so real. I couldn’t help but wonder if it were real or if I’m just imagining things.

‘I guess we will see’, you said smiling.

For once, I felt as if everything would be okay. That we’ll make it through all of this together. That’s all I wanted. And I knew in my heart that you want that too. After all we are human and sometimes it takes time and patience to achieve our goals even if the world turned to shit.

If only we were in a better situation…if only we were stronger, smarter, more capable of surviving, if only we were always safe and the world wasn’t falling apart, if only our loved ones weren’t dead, if only…

As I kept thinking, I realized how selfish I was being. How selfish I was. How selfish I am to imagine a scenario where we are able to survive.

But this will do for now, as long as i have you by my side, we’ll be each other’s rock and anchor . We’ll endure it till the end together.

And if hardships come to us? I’ll be with you and we’ll do that together too.

#minghao x reader #seventeen x reader #the8 x reader #seventeen angst #seventeen imagine #seventeen fluff #seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #minghao #xu minghao #the8 imagines #the8 fluff

[bethelighthalazia]

We made it.

Summary:  Seonghwa talks to a friend from his past, whom he hasn't spoken to in a long time. Written entirely in Seonghwa´s pov.

Genre: angst

Pairing: Seonghwa & fem!reader, platonic!

Word Count:  775

Warnings: talking about death, major character death mentioned

There was the usual beep of her phone, I let it ring for a while, then the mailbox answered. Again. “This is the number of y/n, please leave a message and I'll get back to you soon!” There was her little chuckle at the end, it always makes the corners of my mouth go up. I wanted to tell her about the day, that we'll have another concert tonight and that she should be here.

“Y/n, guess where I am! Remember our spot at the Han river? The view hasn't changed at all.”

Almost not changed, after all, we hadn't met here for what feels like ages. My life has gotten very busy lately and I didn't have much time to catch up with my best friend. I had promised to come here at least once every week after I couldn't come here every day anymore. 

“I’m taking a little walk, the concert tonight makes me a bit nervous, yes. But I know how hard I worked for it, and the others too. You should see San's costume, it shows a lot of skin again.” I couldn't stop a chuckle, it's nothing new that San shows off in his costumes lately. “Mine is not bad either. But I don't have much skin showing. I'm so excited, but also scared. What if ATINY doesn't like the songs we chose for the lineup? Or what if not many people come to see us?”

I know I'm being ridiculous, yet those fears always let me stop and think. ATINY, our fans, always support us so well. 

“Hongjoong says hi, by the way. He would have joined me, but he couldn't come because our producers needed him for something. Wooyoung still annoys me a lot, but he has a heart that's so pure, he's a good friend. I hope you will see us tonight, it's being recorded for international ATINY too! I should eat something in a bit, otherwise my stomach will growl on stage, but don't worry, I always eat well, I promise. I'll make sure that the others do as well, just like with you back then! Remember our trainee time? We always cared for each other and I never changed this habit…they call me their mother now. Mother Seonghwa, could you imagine? It feels so surreal to stand on that stage tonight, you know? I-” “This number's mailbox is full and cannot accept any further messages.”

A cold wraps around my heart, I dreaded this moment. Slowly, I lowered my hand, but somehow I didn't want to press the button to hang up.

With a heavy heart, I looked down at the flower in my hand, her favorite flower, and threw it into the river. It wasn't really ‘our’ spot, if I am being honest. It was the spot of the accident, her accident. Y/n’s car had been pushed into the fencing of the bridge by someone else who lost control over their car one winter. She had been on her way to the company for practice. 

Taking a deep breath, I swallowed down the lump in my throat and put away my phone. It's time to head back, the concert is soon and I still have to get ready. 

I missed her so much, but I also kept my promise. A promise we all had given to each other long before our debut. To never stop pursuing our dreams. To someday make it onto the big stages and to become a real idol.

The next hours that followed, I was in some sort of automatic mode. The stylists and staff only a blur around the eight of us, it's just another concert, right? Just another performance for ATINY that we pour our hearts into. But, why did this concert have to be on the anniversary of y/n’s accident? 

“We will go on this stage for you tonight. And all eight of us will carry you in our hearts, y/n.”

Even our chant stung in my heart this time, but I didn't feel sad, I felt energized and ready. The performances went well, neither of us made mistakes, the technical team worked exceptionally hard to ensure that everything went smoothly too. We all were happy and ATINY had such a wonderful night as well. We all finished the concert with a smile, even though I had tears in my eyes. With my eyes up to the sky, I felt like I could reach the stars. Like I could reach our favorite star up there.

“We made it, y/n. Like we promised, we became idols! And we miss you so much!”

© by bethelighthalazia. Do not repost, copy or translate. Unless stated otherwise, those works are mine and born from my own ideas. I don't have any claim on the mentioned real existing Idols whatsoever.

#ateez #ateez scenarios #ateez seonghwa #ateez fanfic #ateez fanfiction #ateez drabbles #ateez imagines #ateez angst #ateez oneshot

[poeticpains]

Does anyone else ever think about how fucked up it is that the setup of Escape the Night has us talking about who "deserved" it?

You see it in the fandom, and in the show itself, too — where there's discussions about who "pulled their weight" or who did the most for the team, with the implication that those who didn't deserve...what? A horrible, lonely death? To never see their families and loved ones again?

"I'm going to vote for [X], because they didn't pull their weight," is literally saying that someone being foolish, oblivious, and/or lazy is a mistake that should be punished by death.

Or the fandom, as they say that, "[X] wasn't doing very well, so they deserved to be put into that challenge."

And, look, I do not legitimately believe that anyone in the fandom or the show would ever be okay with someone dying because they couldn't figure out a riddle — I'm one of the ones screeching about how your fannish participation is not morality, and what you enjoy in fandom, or say about fictional characters (or fictional personas of real people) is not, in any way, reflective of your actual beliefs. Let me be abundantly clear: it doesn't matter to me who you think "deserved" to die, because nobody died, and at the end of the day, it's a fake web series.

...But that doesn't change that I think Escape the Night is a perfect encapsulation of the way that manipulation works on humans. As they say,

“1. Man is a MORAL animal. 2. You can get human beings to do anything — IF you convince them it is moral. 3. You can convince human beings anything is moral.” — Frank Bidart

In ETN, and especially in Season 3, the guests were convinced that voting people to die was the morally correct option. After all, world annihilation (and their own life) was on the line. Isn't that worth a little blood on your hands?

But it's hard to convince your average person that killing other people (or sentencing them to death, I suppose), if those people are otherwise innocent of severe crimes, is moral. So the situation sets it up using two things that are highly prized: merit and fear.

The fear is the easier option to discuss; it's the same point I made earlier regarding world annihilation and their own lives. (And, of course, it's easier to control scared people than it is to control people who have their wits about them. Manipulation 101.)

Merit, of course, is the entire point of this post. Many of us, I would hazard a guess, grew up with the American justice system, wherein death is an appropriate punishment for certain things. In ETN, that category is just stretched a little wider. Someone missed a clue? Well, they must be stupid — so they deserve to die.

And yes, I am defining voting someone in as tacitly saying that they deserve to die, because that is the unspoken consequence that could happen to anyone who was voted in.

Anyways, back to merit. Before every death challenge, barring the special ones, like the Witch's Challenge in S3, there's literally a discussion where the guests are supposed to defend themselves and prove that they helped. And if the court of public opinion decides you didn't? Well, off to the chopping block with you, my friend — your performance was unsatisfactory, and therefore you deserve to be beaten to death/buried alive/whatever terrible fate awaits them that episode.

But isn't that absurd, when you think about it like that? It's like having a shitty coworker that never responds to emails and takes 45 minute lunches. That's basically it. That's what these people are dying for.

Literally everyone on the show is guilty of this, even fan favorites like Matthew, so it's not like I'm trying to call guests out, or anything. I just think it's a really fascinating look into the way that humans can be manipulated into being willing to kill other humans.

Maybe someday I'll write something more in-depth on this.

#escape the night #etn #etn s3 #escape the night season 3 #etn season 3 #escape the night meta #etn meta #my meta

[videnoirmemes]

LYRIC PROMPTS! assorted sentence starters from lord huron's 2018 vide noir album. ( change phrasing & pronouns as needed! )

i guess she's gone for good.

she took my money, but she didn't take me.

i don't know who i am.

i don't know where i am.

are you dead, or are you alive?

all my days are filled with mourning.

i don't care if i live or die.

i will wait until the end.

i cast you back from whence you came.

i gotta get away from here.

i don't believe in life.

and i won't believe in death 'til i die.

i will wait by the river.

i will wait for you.

someday i'll be dead and gone.

baby, i didn't mean the things i said.

will the curse be reversed if i say it backwards?

you cheated death and sealed your fate.

i can't forget that look in your eye.

i learned that lesson lives ago.

the darkness comes for all of us.

i came back from the edge.

somehow i survived.

i've cried enough to raise the dead.

heaven won't let me in, i don't know why.

is it in my mind?

will i ever be forgiven for the crime of my life?

doesn't matter; it's too late to do right.

i've been lonely long enough.

tell me where did you go?

by the stars above, i know we were in love.

i don't know where else to go.

will i hold you when the night is over?

now the darkness don't scare me much.

but i know i wanna love you.

take me out of this place.

i could use a few laughs and a couple of songs.

so what if i never come back again?

i am only an aimless soul.

don't you know you're my everything?

if i lost you, i think i would die.

was everything you said just a lie?

you're the brightest star in all of the sky.

you never loved me.

#rp meme #rp prompt #rp starters #roleplay memes #ask meme #writing prompts #inbox meme #sentence starters #sentence starter #lyric memes #tips my hat #idk what other tags to put but here we go

[sevikasangel]

okay okay, but vayne because shauna vayne has been INFECTING MY MIND SINCE YOU SENT IN THAT ASK and ignore and i apologize for this if dark content isn't your thing but IF IT IS, fair warning now; dark content and implied stalking

vayne after her parents' death becomes very possessive but wasn't the kind of possessive lover who would go to such an extent to close you in a house and tie you to a bed to keep you home, away from harm- instead, she would follow you everywhere.

— she knew things you thought you never told her like your first pet's name, your parents' name, or how you like your tea/coffee- because you didn't- but you were so forgetful that shauna could just tell you mentioned it before and that's okay that you don't remember, happens to anyone.

♡ "don't worry about such details dearest, it must have been a long time"

— remember the time when you kept running into her on the way to wherever your work wanted you to be? that's because she walks close behind you on the busy streets of demacia, she is so sure that you wouldn't mind if you find it out because what is this if not sweet? she is trying to keep you safe, surely you'd understand.

♡ "what a coincidence! i was just close by, getting this and that."

— when you don't invite her over she camps out on a tree, maybe somewhere even higher to see into your room and see how you sleep and if anyone is going inside your building who doesn't live there. but she had to keep it low with her movements and what she wore because she could get arrested for something like 'disturbance of the peace' or whatever.

♡ "you don't say? i'll check that sound out for you later so you don't have to worry about when going to sleep."

I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THESE, LIKE, IGNORE IF IT'S TOO MUCH BUT VAAAAAAAYNE

𝐭𝐰: dark content, stalking, yandere vayne, kidnapping

oh, moss...this will live rent free in my mind. thank you so much because i am feral over a good ol' yandere. you blessed my afternoon. i am sipping from my coffee at work and now i must speak too! ;)

btw the next event of this blog will be yandere coffee

♡ i can also see vayne being the kidnapping yandere, to be honest. i believe she would start subtly, like you described, moss. her obsession would grow gradually until her mind was clouded with nothing but the thought of having her darling all for herself. what a sick little head she has, her love always turns into obsession.

♡ she is morally grey and will not hesitate to do anything to get what she wants. you were absolutely horrified when you realised she was stalking you and enraged by your rejection, someday the demon huntress lurks in the shadows as you're coming home from work and knocks you out with chloroform.

♡ she'd use the excuse of protection against bad people and demons when you woke up chained in her basement, terrified of this crazy batman lady.

✿ "don't be so ungrateful, (y/n)! i changed my entire basement to accommodate you. you are chained for your own good! the world is bad for you, here with me, you won't have to worry about a thing. i will protect you from the monsters."

♡ vayne is very demanding and expects you to be a sweetheart to her, becomes pissed if you don't behave. i mean... being tied and kept in a huntress' basement against your will is not a decent reason for you to be ungrateful, right?

✿ "(y/n)...you'd better start acting docile towards me...do not make me break you, or i will do it without any remorse. you are my little bird who needed to be caged. remember you tried to fly away from me? well, that's why i clipped your wings. now eat."

♡ vayne gets offended when you act so scared of her. she kidnapped you for your own good. she had the right to do so. you are hers. hers!

✿ "why are you scared? don't be so ungrateful now, little girl. ugh, have you forgotten how much i've done for you? do you remember how many times i wiped your tears when your silly, dumb little self cried, begging me to let you out of here? how could i? i am only protecting my darling. you will always be safe with me, little girl."

#💌 my dear moss #💌 thirsts #shauna vayne #league of legends vayne #vayne x reader #league of legends x reader #yandere #yandere content

[ohmyoverland]

Fic Writer Questions

Thanks for the tag @anything-thats-rock-and-roll :D

1. How many fics do you have on AO3? 26

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 25, 570

3. What fandoms do you write for? Except for a few one-offs and my 3 Anne With An E fics, I write Lockwood & Co. 💚⚔

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

After Chameleon, an unbetad Miraculous Ladybug salt fic written before the actual episode had come out. It accidentally blew up asldkfjhjkl

On My Mind, a Detroit: Become Human rk1k ficlet where Connor can read minds.

All the Words I Don't Have, pure grade A Locklyle fluff

are we out of touch, are we out of time? AWAE Season 3 speculative fic that is actually an expanded version of a tumblr post I wrote after the penultimate episode of the series premiered.

wavering, my cot3 pining + character study fic. I'm really proud of it and I promise chapter 3 is coming eventually lmao

5. Do you respond to comments? I don't 😭 I want to but I never know what to say and before I know it, the comment is 2 years old oops. I reread comments all the time ❤

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? That's tough to say for sure but I think every lessons forms a new scar ending with an off-screen character death is probably the most angst I've ended with so far.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? That would have to be All the Words I Don't Have again. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. And Lockwood writes some really bad poetry.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not so far.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I do sometimes, and it's not published yet.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Another Change of Plans is the most tumblr WIP I have lol. It dares to start asking the question, "What if the Old Guard adopted Adam Young, the antichrist from Good Omens?"

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Sort of? There was one collab fic I wrote a scene for but it never got finished. Someday I might post my part, because ngl I'm pretty proud of the Skull/Lucy banter in it.

13. What’s your all time favorite ship? How could I ever choose??? By bookmark stats, it would be Marinette and Adrien from Miraculous Ladybug. But cot3 (Lockwood & Co) and Superbat (DC) are up there too.

14. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? A better question is what isn't a WIP I'll never finish??? I have dozens 😭 Though one that stands out is an old Frozen fic I outlined in I think 2018(?). The premise is a canon divergence where Anna's death is faked when they're children and she's raised in the village instead of in the castle. There are two full acts that are just set up for a The Prince And Me/Princess Diaries-esque rom-com between suddenly-a-princess Anna and just-a-normal-guy Kristoff.

The outline on its own is about 8k words, and frankly I've considered editing and posting the outline itself before because it's detailed enough. This fic is actually a drabble I wrote to take place within my AU, but it reads canon compliant enough of its own so I posted it.

15. What are your writing strengths? Ideas. I am always getting new plot bunnies, always getting excited about the next great idea, always thinking about new aspects of these worlds and characters I want to explore.

16. What are your writing weaknesses? Dialogue and volume. That's why I write so many descriptive, very short fics XD

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I'd only do it in a language I've studied for a couple years, and even then I would want a native speaker to read over it for me. But it hasn't come up yet?

I do really like Superbat or Star Trek fics where the author sparingly includes Kryptonian / Klingon / Vulcan with a translation at the end.

18. First fandom you wrote for? My Little Pony, or maybe Percy Jackson?? I'm too scared to check my old accounts to see which came first, if I ever even posted the fics I remember writing then at all.

19. Favorite fic you’ve written? building glass castles for sure!!! I love the atmosphere in it, and the monologue from Skull. That monologue came to me in the middle of the night once, so I had to type it up immediately and build the fic around it later.

No pressure tags @sabetha @synestheticwanderings @abumperprize @lenacarstairspotterstewart @woahpip @flythesail @shizuoi

#seriously thanks for tagging me!!! #i love tag games it just takes me a century to actually get to doing them lol #tag game #mutual games #fic writing #my writing #fic rec #mine

[justanagenderperson]

Hi!! I was hoping you could do a agent 47/male reader/diana angst with reader getting kiddnaped and rescued by agent 47 and they're both hella worried for their bf if you're cool with it!! If you can make it extra angsty >:33 I live for angst

ON A MISSION TO SAVE MY WIFE'S BF!¿!¿!¿¿!¿! [😱😱😱GONE WRONG⁉️] (I'll rewrite this someday :::::/, hope the title made you lightly exhale out of your nose :::::D)

[A/N: HELL YESH I CAN DO THAT 🫡 I HOPE YOU ENJOY SORRY IF IT'S ABSOLUTE SHIT I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING FOR A WHILE. ALSO, THANK YOU FOR THE REQUEST FREN :::::::D also fr why is there no reader x Diana x Agent 47 fics? Again it's been a while since I've written angst so sorry if it's not really angsty I tried. Also sorry it starts off happy, you know the #1 rule start off all cheerful and then rip it away from them brutally. :::::::::::)

READER IS AT LEAST 21 OR UP IN THIS SNIPPET, MALE READER, TW, KIDNAPPED READER, IMPLIED DEATH, IMPLIED MURDER, THIS IS HITMAN AFTER ALL, NIGHTMARES]

47 stirs slowly, inviting the sunlight into his eyes. He sits upright as his eyes wander over towards the clock. 4:47 am, 'Perfect.' He muses to himself with a subtle quirk of his lips. He gets up and does his usual business letting the bristles glide across his pearly whites. He had an image to upkeep after all. Not that he particularly cared what others thought of him no, no. But his heartstrings would certainly ache if you or his wife were ever to make a negative comment about his appearance. He blinks brushing off the thought. You and Diana would never do that. He finishes brushing his teeth and heads downstairs. Diana is unsurprisingly already up. His eyes narrow as he recalls her saying she had an important target to research. A Rovin Terri. He lets out a quiet hum as he knocks on the wall so he doesn't accidentally scare her. Many things can happen if he were to sneak up on her the worst of them being- "Well are you just going to stand there?" She asks and 47 blinks pulling himself at what would've been his rapid thought process, "No." He responds after some hesitance. She smiles as gracefully as ever and makes her way over to the kitchen, "Coffee?" His answer is immediate, "Tea, honey lavender please." Diana's tea brewing skills were the best 47 had ever seen and he'd been to many cities and countries.

Diana let a soft sigh of concern escape her lips, "Stressed?" She asks as the tea kettle whistles. 47 hums, "You could say that." Before adding on, "How are you? Did you get any sleep last night?" He asked. She lets out a hearty laugh, "You know how this line of work is 47." His eyes narrow, "Please take a nap today then at the very least." She turns to face him with a hearty smile, "Of course, here's your tea." She hands him the warm cup of honey lavender and he sips it. Diana plants a chaste kiss on his cheek, "Now," She says beginning to walk towards where she left the laptop unattended, "I still have quite a bit of work to do." 47 hums as the sound of light footsteps draw his attention to the stairs. Then he sees, well you. 47's eyes soften at the sight of you. Sweet sweet you. You let out a cute little yawn, "Hungry darling?" Diana purrs and you nod as you take another step down and slip,

and then promptly break your neck.

47's eyes widen as he feels his heart stop. He rushes over to your unmoving body as he checks for a heartbeat. There is none. His worried eyes find his wife who is looking on at the scene with utter joy. His eyebrows scrunch up, "W..." He can't even get the words out. Diana's smile only grows wider, "Oh come on," She takes a step closer, "You didn't think I genuinely loved the two of you did you?" She asks relieved like a big weight had been taken off her chest. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. She then gasps and keels over laughing, "Y...you did!?" She says in-between breaths barely able to contain herself. 47 felt his heart breaking over again. This all felt real. Too real. Was it real...? No, it couldn't be...Diana would never say those things this had to be a dream...or rather, a nightmare. Wake up...he...he had to wake up. But the laughs remained persistent, "Fort...sev...?" A disembodied voice echoes catching his attention. He desperately looked around as he felt reality and fantasy merge. He fell to his knees, "FORTY-SEVEN!" 47 jolts upright breathing heavily, eyes wide, "47...?" His pupils dart to the source of noise only to relax, 'So it was a dream...' He thought to himself relieved before it is replaced with concern. Diana's eyes. They were red and sore. She'd been crying. But why? Who or what caused it? If it were a person they wouldn't last long. He would make sure of it.

His eyes narrow as his thoughts darken at the imaginary threat that he doesn't even notice his wife's outstretched arm until she tentatively places a hand on his shoulder causing him to barely suppress a flinch. His eyes flicker over to hers, "47..." Her voice is on the verge of breaking, "I have some bad news." He waits. Patient as always for her to finish, "Y/n...he...he..." His wife sharply intakes a breath, "He's..." Her eyes meet his with genuine worry. Something only the real Diana would have, "...been kidnapped." 47 blinks as the words settle in. It clicks and his breathing picks up. Surely his wife was joking? But her eyes are like steel an unmoving mountain. Ah. So she was being serious. Yet among all that was a lingering doubt. What if they had somehow sneaked into the house and replaced Diana too? What if they made a clone of her? The possibility wasn't too far out of reach. He shrugs it off immediately ignoring the way it made his skin crawl. Surely if Diana could hear his thoughts she would be offended that even for a second he thought that his loving wife. Someone he knows every inch and quirk about would be an imposter (amogus [I'm sorry]). It showed what he knew.

47's reaction to you being kidnapped: Then he felt his heart stop as he was stabbed in the stomach over and over again as the chilling realization struck him once more. You'd. Been. Kidnapped. How? He was sure he'd place several security measures bribing those who lived near you to look out for you. Dammit. He knew he should've taken you home sooner. Right, where you belonged in his and his wife's arms but now? Now you were in some stranger's arms most likely fearing for your life. Oh, he couldn't even begin to imagine how scared you were. Oh. Poor poor sweet innocent you. You couldn't even harm a fly. Okay, maybe the previous statement wasn't true but he couldn't even bare to imagine you hurt. His skin crawls at the mental image of you screaming as they continue to drip hot molten candle wax onto your soft belly. You kicking desperately as you try to get away ultimately only making it worse as you beg and beg and beg your captors or more accurately torturers to let you go. How you'd do anything they wanted as they twist your arm, bending it all out of shape. His pupils shrink and his heart aches at the prospect of them cutting off to permanently prevent you from escaping. He gritted his teeth once again narrowing his eyes as anger welled up inside of him.

How could HE the world's greatest hitman let this happen to one of his precious loved ones? One of his ONLY loved ones. His father had been right there were flaws in his design maybe if he'd watched over you more carefully and eliminated any threat in the way you would've still been here. But no. He sinks to the floor words flowing into his ears but his brain fails to process them. He was an absolute and utter-, "for..." -failure, "...even...?" What had the two of you seen in him anyway, "FORTY-SEVEN TOBIAS RIEPER!" His eyes flicker to meet Diana's, "Are you alright dear?" Any doubt that Diana might not be real is washed away by the concern in her eyes. He's floored how he even considered the possibility of someone as passionate as her being replaced. A little voice laughed in the back of his head, "...What about the end of the Closing Statement?" He mentally rolled his eyes. Now was not the time. Right now he had to focus on you, sweet precious you. He directed his attention to his wife and calm and collected as he could maintain he asked her, "Do you have any leads?" Despite his tone never wavering he was unable to keep his gaze steady. Diana nodded standing up and making her way outside the spacious bedroom. 47 followed suit. Scared for the first time in his life as a hitman. Scared. For you. As the hitman and handler overlooked the note one thing was made clear.

Whoever decided to mess with you was royally fucked.

[A/N: take this I can't look at it no more. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 there was so many different paths I wanted to take with this and I chose wrong 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'M SO SORRY BTW THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LONGER BUT I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO WITH IT I MEAN I DID BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO PUT IT YA KNOW!?!?!? Might write a part two. sorry if you had to wait long.]

Anyway Imma start doing fun facts at the end of these. ::::::)

Ducks from the city have different "accents" as opposed to ducks from the country. How do I know? Quack quack quack >:::::::::(

#agent 47 #diana burnwood #hitman 3 #hitman fandom #hitman woa

[kudos-si-do]

move along (or you might as well be dead)

they tell me: sooner or later, life is going to look like it did before. i don't think that's true. when i was ten, my dad promised me that we'd come back to a place that came to mean more to me than anywhere else in the world. he died before we had the chance. sometimes i look at the pictures, at the curves of roller coasters gleaming above lake erie, and i wonder if he knew that his cancer would kill him.

it's been a long road. the chemo they used to save me — to poison me just enough to only almost kill me — almost killed me again, more than a year after remission. neuropathy, they said. common with chemotherapy. especially common with how much you were treated with.

it doesn't matter, what they say now. i hit the ground headfirst from somewhere around eight feet up. i don't remember it. you're getting better, they say, but then they take another look at me and i'm placed back into the prison i've only ever been paroled out of for a few scant days, a few golden hours.

there's blue ice cream on my tongue. they don't sell this specific kind here. i laugh as i say it's a gel or a liquid, banned on airplanes. freedom, taken back. blue, blue, blue.

you tell me that my family isn't normal. i've been told all my life that every family is its own kind of mess, that my family wasn't any messier than anyone else's. that maybe we were lucky, getting the family we had. i believe only part of it now, but before you, i believed it completely. yes, it's true that humans are messy. we get our messes everywhere. but it isn't so normal for someone to throw away your possessions and laugh while you sob, scoff as you dig through the dumpster for pieces of your childhood you can never get back. or is it normal? am i making everything about myself again? am i being dramatic? i've been told that all my life — i'm too dramatic. i walk on three broken bones and i don't complain.

your family isn't normal either. someday i'll send hockey postcards to your father without an ounce of guilt. someday i'll look another member of your family in the eye and disagree, even though i was supposed to be agreeable, even though i promised i wouldn't do anything to make your life harder. smile, smile, smile, i told myself. be at your best. don't let your cracks show through.

my dad was supposed to teach me to drive, to threaten my significant others, to walk me down the aisle. all my friend was supposed to do was grow up. she'd be an adult now. her birthday was last month. the sixteenth anniversary of her death was a less than three weeks ago. she's dead, frozen in time as a kid with a feeding tube up her nose and a bucket hat on her head, always pink or purple. i remember thinking that she was the bravest person i'd ever known. my dad was brave, too. does bravery always beget bravery?

i'm going to die. one day, if not today. if not tomorrow. if not next week, next month, next year. i'm trapped in the same few hundred square feet as i'm always trapped in. you're late by an hour to pick me up from the airport. i think i should be annoyed about it, but i only shake my head. i wonder what adventure your adhd has taken you on. when i hug you, there's relief in the action. i'm tired. my head is spinning. i'm not quite there, not quite right, but i want to be. i'm a little bit trapped in my mind, i think. am i being dramatic? later, i'll hit my head lightly on a support column in the barn while you're trying to teach me to dance. it will bruise, just barely, but enough to betray me. i'll have bad migraines for days, and i'll be too scared to talk about it. i find the fucked up basement we joked about and i make sure you see it.

i don't touch people much. most days, i don't like to be touched. i remember that my dad's hugs felt like the safest place on earth. i wonder if there's anything left of him below the ground, eighteen years later, or if it's all just bone. i've lived much longer without him than with him. i try to project safety through my arms and hope that's enough. or at least something. anything. i can touch people i'm comfortable with, most of the time. every time i thought you looked sad, i did my best. i swung my arm around your shoulders. shook your arm. made a face. i hope it made a difference. i know it was hard, being where you were, doing what you did. i hope you knew that i was proud of you.

i'm scared, but i'm not allowed to be. i fight with my brain, frustration growing. i watch your family with suspicion, with disapproval that they might or might not have earned. i try to be friendly, project myself in a way that makes me enjoyable to the people around me. i'm not that person, not really, not always. one of my friends says i'm much different in person than i am otherwise. is that true? who am i, really? am i someone who can be seen, whose flaws can be pushed away enough to only show the light? when i looked at them, who did they see looking back?

it was odd, hearing my name with a different sound to it. everyone used the same pronouns, but not the ones i'm used to hearing. it's funny, i think. gender means nothing to me, but at home, i hear a different set of pronouns. sometimes i wonder what it would be like, but i don't dwell. it wouldn't be dangerous, i don't think, not in the way a lot of queer folk are in danger, but it would bring more harshness and hardness to my life than i think i can currently bear. i wonder if you think that i'm a coward. am i a coward?

i'm in bed again. you were supposed to be here this week. i watch the plans sift out of my hands like sand. the pressure in my chest is enormous. it hurts to breathe, sometimes. my head is tangled up. they think i'm having seizures. i'm spending more time inside the hospital than i have in a long time. it curls in my chest like fire against bare skin, but i have to bear it. you're lucky, they tell me. it can always be worse. can't it?

i was raised by a religious mother and a non-religious father. once he was gone, there was nothing left to protect me from it. i spent years entrenched in it. i remember one of my teachers bragging that they didn't take money from the government so that they weren't beholden to their requirements. they didn't have to hire the gays, she said. i remember how one of my bible instructors told me to keep my mouth shut. i had too many questions. i ruined too much. the only time i blatantly cheated, it was on a test to name the chapters of the bible. i was caught and suspended. the teacher looked at me like i was scum the rest of my time at that school. am i fake, made of plastic and metal? am i real, flesh and bone and sinew? pulling out of that hate has taken a decade, and i'm still not done.

i stand amongst the protesters, those early months of the pandemic. i wonder, even then, if it will make a difference. years later, my cousin hangs a wooden flag with a blue stripe above her door. i burn underneath my skin. i say nothing.

i found the churro ice cream in the freezer section with a "new!" label around the plastic tamper shield. i bought both of the pints that they had and put them in the freezer. i got a pint of half baked, too. i prefer phish food, myself. i look up the closest scoop store and wonder what it would take to get there. i don't touch any of the pints.

i'm not allowed to drive. my car sits, unused. i rankle as i pace the same endless walls. i trip on nothing. i sit back down, mutinous. i haven't been kind to the breaks in my pelvis and femur. they twinge from the cold, or from overuse, or from both. i remember walking around the oncology floor years ago, spurred by the sheer amount of steroids i was on to offset the effects of the difficult rounds of chemo. there was no leaving, nothing but the same floor and the same walls and the same enlarged pictures of flowers. i got paranoid enough to think that they were watching me. in some ways, i think they're still watching me.

there aren't any flowers in my room. i don't like to see them, outside of in nature, but sometimes i understand the desire to receive flowers. i've never been given them. i've never considered myself as particularly desirable. i've dated, and the relationships have ended in failure. but i loved them, once. i still love them, in a way. i'm not sure if there's a wrong way to love, so long as you're loving in good faith. i wonder if i'm lying to myself about love, if i even have the capacity to love. i wonder if i'm lying to myself about any good traits i think i might have more often than i care to admit. i'm not a good person, i think. i try, scrape and scrabble my way up mountains, but it never feels like enough.

i forgive you for not braiding my hair.

but you knew that, didn't you?

#tw cancer #tw head injury #concussion #ice cream #marshmallow sky #my writing #honestly i have no idea what i just wrote and i'm not going to proofread it now. #so #sorry? #death mention #child death mention #moving forward #pandemic mention

[look-at-the-water]

Huuh

I feel so empty rn I might just get rid of myself, how come nothing brings me joy anymore, I cant talk to anyone I know without feeling they despise me, so I just don't speak to anyone. I can't do anything all day, what used to make me happy doesn't make me feel anything anymore. I can't do art at all, I try to pick up a pen and do anything but itll be the same boring thing over and over again. I used to at least have cool ideas. I can't think of anything anymore, I still love hlvrai, a lot, but I can't produce anything that'll bring me the same joy out of it anymore. And even if I did I don't have anyone to share it with, so I'll probably just forget about it and leave it behind.

Something must be wrong with me cause everyone just stops talking to me all the time. I don't even know how to improve. Maybe it's because I'm always busy and can't do things with people, I guess that's fair, but I can't really control that with all the school work I get. I always end up exhausted for some reason and can't hang out with anyone.

Maybe I need to start approaching people myself, I always wait for others to do so, maybe if I wasnt such a pussy I could start a good convo and have people to hang out with again. But I'm not sure how that works so I just, feel like I always do it wrong and people think I'm weird, and I know it's not a good mindset but i don't know how to get out of it. I'm sure the people I look up to reaching won't mind it at all, but I feel like I was so left behind with my knowledge on stuff I won't get many things and mess up, I feel like I know too like for being 15, I don't want to annoy people by asking so many questions. And I don't think I'm funny either, I always end up mimicking whatever other people say to be funny, and sometimes they've gotten annoyed, but I can't really control that either. I tried to, and it kept happening anyway.

I wish I was born as a different person, I've always found hiding behind the facade of a different person comforting, maybe that's why I took benreys name and always think of myself more as if I was him than the real person I am (but still aware I'm my own different person, ofc), but recently the whole benrey thing feels as if Its been messed up for me, after the last person I talked to left, he was forzen, i was benrey, we had this whole connection i think, I felt like we were perfect for eachother, we both agreed on that. and now he's gone. I'm scared I will get as attached to a person again and it's gonna fuck me up. For like the 3rd time now. I feel like it's something stupid to be upset about. I don't want to be that's for sure

I really want friends that don't leave. Even if we don't talk all that much, I want friends I'd safely feel they won't leave me. I don't know if it's my fault or I just keep hanging around the wrong people, I don't want to whine about it. It feels pathetic, but here I am, ig. I would seriously end it all if it wasn't for that fact I was so terrified of death. I'm not even good at dying. Really funny tbh.

I hope someday I get up and make tons of cool art and get brave enough to try and be friends with all the people I look forward to meet and I can come up with cool concepts again and show everyone. Someday, I'll fix myself. Right now, i need to do my homework and be good at school, so I don't have time for that, I guess.

Sorry to anyone reading this shit I just. I am so tired.

#vent #ig #yeah. #sorry to ppst this shit here #i dont want to directly bother anyone and i had to put anything at all somewhere #to feel in the slightles better #i dont know #ill be fine anyway #so it doesnt matter

[yearsofangst]

What should I do when I've got nothing to do nothing to prove no motivation to move I could lose myself for maybe and hour or two it's true but then I'll just get bored dude I go back again and again to fetishizing my friends write novels and never press send I've gotta attend to myself and tend my mental health but it doesn't end what is there to do when I gotta fend for myself and I wonder how can I cry if I'm already dead inside is every teardrop a lie to try shed to try to deny wanting to finally die and someday will I fry for some stupid shit I decide to try when I'm waving goodbye to everything thing that i write how will it look when I'm splattered against the wall will poetry really have mattered at all when the poet's finally shattered the last shard of the platter holding their sanity clattered to the floor waiting no more for some dedication to chores to moderation in stores to the day that I can honestly say I'm not bored and I'll be allowed to afford even the slightest bit more than survival cuz at my core maybe that's all I'm looking for

just a reality in which I identify as me and can see myself and know how to put new shoes on my feet and be able to leave the house without being a freak without panicking the whole time that reality isn't what it seems to be and maybe even be free from dissociation, disillusionment, and anxiety and no, I mislead you, I'm not ready for death. It's not my time yet and if you're willing to bet I'll give you even odds that I'll get another decade or two left before I even have to consider that for real but I still feel what I feel and it haunts me, it taunts me, the things I cannot see, the future being the most fucking obvious mystery because there's nothing to see, nothing for which to prepare, and I'm pulling out my hair from the fear of what could be there and I'm scared and I swear, I never knew I'd be where

I am right now so please tell me how I could possibly foretell what this story's all about what's my genre and theme? What does it mean when I scream (internally, don't feel like letting anyone hear me) what kind of character will I be and become and who am I currently? These questions certainly worry me because iIcan't say with certainty if I'll be worth the currency that the government curries me so I just keep ranting trying to sell all these grand things that maybe make me seem like something more than a dream, anchor me from a whisper into something more solid.

I fill my head up with knowledge and try to be the best but no matter how hard I'm pressed I just feel tight in my chest and I can't rest and I'd like to divest myself of these delusions of inadequacy but that's a challenge for me because nobody ever really taught me how to be me or even how to be they just told me I was wrong and that I didn't belong and now that they are gone it's just my head singing that song of failure, drawing me in with its familiarity and that also scares me but really so does everything so why shouldn't it sing about how I can't do the right things or really even anything sometimes when I'm stuck in this mind and I've tried to find a way out but I'm blind to my real flaws, because, all I've got are the ones that they caused and they fed me like bread I just dip my head into this oil of self-hatred and everything that they've said

it's inside me, it rides me, it follows and derides me and hides me, whatever I'm supposed to be, from my friends and from me, and I put on so many costumes to appease the people I love dearly and those I hold close might, just, maybe see, there's something inside me, something that I can't reach. A person, in theory, but nobody near me is quite close enough to hear me, that me, whoever it may be. It's too quiet and hidden to speak effectively and it's locked away from me so maybe they see a speck of that me but really it's probably irrelevant to their needs and it won't break free on its own, it is home, in the tiny box hidden under a stone at the end of a driveway paved over with bones of past selves and the shelves covered in old wigs and masks that I'll show to anyone who asks

but the question dies on their tongues before it's done and they run because really it isn't much fun to put so much effort into just one shattered psyche, I don't doubt that they like me, but the pay's not so much and the work can be frighteningly dull, or evocative, it is the outsider's prerogative how much effort it's worth to dig through scorched and salted earth in someone else's mind only to find something tied up in binds and protected by a blind keeper hiding deeper than initial sweeps or checks would indicate, something painful and twisted and hard to vindicate, guarded by a syndicate of defensive identities that claim to be friends to me but feel more like enemies when they start to pretend that me equals them and my external friends are fooled by the errant selves I present.

#18 #august #2017

[kingrosalani]

I'll miss you forever mommy.

TW FOR GRIEF, DEATH, LOSING A PARENT, DYING.

A lot of times when people pass, people that knew them always say “I just wish I held onto them closer.” or “I wish I was nicer” “I wish I told them” this and that and a lot of wishes.

As someone that was quite the opposite with my loved one, my mother, I’m going to tell you the grief you feel does not change whether you held onto them tightly or not enough. Nothing can make this grief easier.

I held onto my mother’s hand and she held onto mine. She was my number one and she always told me I was hers. Unconditional love and support without a doubt. She defended me, she understood me to the core, she let me ramble, she let me get mad, she let me cry, she loved me through and through no matter what. Some people thought I was too close to her, but I’m so, so thankful I was unbelievably close to her. 

In December, we had a conversation after she was turned away from heart surgery. I made the mistake in googling heart failure and ended up in a few hours of spiraling anxiety over the fact I may lose my mom someday. We were open and honest with each other, so I went into her room and cried to her about this.

She held me as tight as she could, her arms shook and she told me “Well.. if I only have 5 years left, let these be the best 5 years we can have together”. 

I asked her how she felt about the possibility of dying from heart failure. She told me that grandma always said “when it’s your time, it’s your time” in the most calm voice. I think she knew how rough her situation was. My mother tried so hard to fight and to live every day, but heart failure didn’t just take a toll on her heart, but her lungs, muscles, eyes, diabetes, kidneys and so much more combined into the factor. 

I know it’s because I’m young and very stubborn, but I told her I’d be her coach and a cheerleader for her recovery. I would annoy her daily about her appointments, calling people for things, when her appointments are, when I’d need to take work off, picking up her meds, etc etc. I knew I had the strength she needed to keep going.

But like my grandmother said, when it is your time, it is your time. My mother was tired and in pain. It was very hard for her to breath and just walk around even just in the house. 

I’d make her lift little 3 pound weights or drive her to the store so she can walk around. 

One her last day, I took her out for lunch at Vibrant Coffeehouse because I recently went there and enjoyed it a lot. I thought she’d like it too and I wanted to treat her on my payday. 

I took a picture of her, like I always do. And we joked about how pale she is now. She couldn’t believe how “haole” she was looking (in her words). We even joked that she looked dead. 

Unfortunately 10 hours later, she would be. In front of me. In our home after I spent what felt like hours but was really minutes performing CPR on her just 5 minutes after her, her friends and my father went out to El Maya to hangout. She was gone.

I always knew deep down this was the possibility, but you never want it to come true. I tried to pull away from her the past 2 months, stay busy with myself, my music, my business, my internship, making sure she was on top of things but also allowing her to just be and just rest. I tried learning to cook some meals, I paid attention to her paying bills, researching ways to help her get better and more. I tried to just be with myself. I failed at that. I spent many nights in her room, just being there. I spent many mornings, annoying her with my hugs or a cat. Or both. I know it didn’t bother her and I also didn’t care if I was annoying with my love for her either. I always have been.

While I know I am not alone. Losing the closest person to me is the loneliest thing in the entire world and I’m scared. I’m scared of what happens next. I’m scared about my own father’s future now. I’m scared for the security in others. I am scared.

What a horrible life lesson it is to lose someone, but at the same time, it’s only horrible on my end. She left this world fast, happy and with her loved ones. For the best.

I’ll never stop writing about her or posting about her or sharing my love for her. I love you mama. A hui hou.

#grief #death #losing a parent #losing a mom #moms #mother #teri underhill #king rosalani #essay #writing #writing community #neurodivergent #hawaiian #polynesian #rest in peace mama #heart health #heart disease #heart failure #my number one #family #remember #a hui hou #until we meet again

[feelingdeath]

"And i keep telling him, i won't leave yet everytime i say it my head goes "you won't right? he's perfect and you love him.... can this please be the one thing you don't sabotage just because you can?". " ~ December 13th, 2022, 10:10 AM

"I am going to hurt him, stab him in his weakest spots and he'd still love me. If someone came and hurt me instead, I'd gladly take the pain. . . i have made up my mind. I'll be better. I'll be better for him. I'll not let my dark side let even a glimpse of him. he's mine and I'll protect him. he deserves better, I'll be that better..." ~December 13th, 2022, 1:25 PM

" I wonder if we would drift if we healed completely, and sometimes its a void. just another void. i think i have more voids than mass now. i don't want to leave him.... my head's really messy sometimes..."

~January 24th, 5:24 PM

"I wish I was his, all his, but m not even a complete person...

Please don't let it be a tragedy, m trying my best. I know it's not enough. "

~February 6th, 10:24 AM "

" ~February 6th, 11:04 AM

"Still here, but not for long." ~February 8th, 1:14 PM "I want to tell him what happened last year, I want to be so vulnerable and open and melt away. He feels like home but i couldn't depend on him. Id hate myself for it." ~February 10th, 10:02 PM "Nosh justifies all her mean actions with that simple line. Someday all this pain will be useful to me. It's how nosh moves on, we believe the tragedy is a part of us" ~February 12th, 6:32 PM "it's part of why I push you away, I am scared I need you way too much. what if I end up suffocating you and you leave me because I come with too much baggage." ~February 26th, 10:12 AM "But staying apart from morphi for even an hour kills me. I love him so fucking much.

I love him to death and I fear that I am dying. so to speak." ~March 7th, 9:30 AM "i am terrified of ending up like my parents, but with you i feel safe. i feel like we wouldnt ever just become products of each other's making to please the way society sees us. we wouldn't let chains of parenthood and dignity come in between our self respect and the way we are to other humans." ~March 18th, 7:22 AM It got way better over time. Can defo say I called it though. I am getting better uwu. SHEYU are u reading this u sussy baka 0_0 , either ways m never leaving u loveeee ehehehe.

#morphi is mine

[uni-nika]

These days,

A lot has been going on in my head.

I cry myself to sleep

My nightmare stories are only known to my pillow and bed.

All those Past memories and thoughts keep flashing back

I keep questioning,  the time , distance and even myself

Did it all happen because of something that I lack ?

I wanna say a lot to you and scream up everything that's keeping me up all these dark nights

I type the text and delete again and again

Wondering if I can still cry to you , if I still have those rights.

Wish I could tell you how I can't stop myself from falling for you everytime we text

I can't help myself loving you , and idk what's next .

I said I won't get too close , or I'll again end up with a broken heart

But here we are, me trying to hold my heart so it doesn't shatter , trying my best so that our ways don't part.

Wish I could send you that long text I wrote

Telling you how I can't let you go

How I lie to you , my friends and even me

That I'm moving on, when I'm clearly not.

Yes I don't want to let go of all those nights where we stayed up till 3 am and talked about our dreams and hope

Yes I don't want to let go when you told me we'd run in strawberry fields and go to our fav flower shop

Yes I don't want to let go of the time when you called me mine

Guess in a corner of my heart I still want to be called yours , and you as mine.

Yes I wanna say it all to you,

Empty all of my thoughts and emotions to you

But I'm scared

Scared of being a stress for you

Scared of lighting up a new argument

Scared , what if you distance yourself? And leave me with my slow yet painful death?

So I drink up the wine called tears and pain,

to lessen the pain of the painful drug that's you.

All my efforts to let go of you,  go in vain

I just want you , no I don't want someone new.

Tell me if this act of mine , will lead to my doom?

Or will someday, in this frozen field deprived of the sunshine of your love ,

Will roses bloom?

Again?

#dark academia #aesthetic #lovers #poetry #thoughts #heartbroken

[bananabread404]

On most days, i carry an unbearable weight on my chest wearing me down like a farmer who toils under the sun. The only question that remains is if it'll the death of me someday. When someone asks me what I'm doing, or what I did today, I'm left with nothing. How do I tell them? How do I tell them how exactly it felt waking up? How do I tell them i lay on the couch for hours staring at the ceiling? How do I tell them i did nothing but distract myself by binge watching documentaries, without making it seem like I'm lazy? Am i? I'm always so scared of being misunderstood.

Half of my bed is filled with clothes i got too tired to fold and arrange in my drawers. They multiply as days goes by. My bed is never made, blankets dishevelled and pillows on the floor. My mirror is tainted with dust and every night i look at myself with a frown as i observe my body, my face, me. A familiar face looks back, she's the closest to me and we suffer together. We have a hard time loving her. We've given up consoling her; we cry with her.

I took a shower today. I hated the idea of moving my body and getting into the bathroom, but as soon as the warm water hit my skin i felt relieved; like sin washing off my soul. I think about the acne on my back. I want to scrape it off , i want to scratch all of it off. I think about the dark scars on my knees from my childhood days . I want to go back and be a little more careful about falling. I think about my mother's skin , soft like silk. I think about my mother's hair, voluminous and straight. And then i think about mine. My skin, my hair, my eyes, my everything. I get out of the shower and i look at myself. The dirt is gone, but the one that remains is my bare body and face. So many faults to find, so many things to criticize. I dare not think about it for longer than two minutes or I'll break.

I rummaged through my wardrobe to look for what to wear. Your hoodie stares back at me, neatly tucked in the corner. When i touch it, it feels like me. When i sniff , it smells like me now. A part of you, now gone. Your cologne that smelt like autumn and flowers , all in my memories now. Two years, all just like yesterday in my head; the hoodie, a reminder of time. But it's the only thing I have of you I can touch, i can feel. You. Not you now. You who held my hand and warmed it. You who walked miles for me at the break of dawn. You who made me feel truly loved for the first time in life. You who made me the happiest i was. Maybe now when you look back, you realise you loved me too, or didn't. Maybe now, you realise love wasn't what you truly had for me. That's okay. Atleast what i felt was real. Atleast what i had was true. I'll always remember the you who loved me, in a different way than the you now. The you that was cruel to my heart.

I'll wait for you. In another lifetime. In another person. In another universe. Te vas, te amo.