#i am so ANGRY and upset these people are PRAYING!!!!!!!! what kind of fucking monster do you have to be to attack them

[damianogender]

these people are unarmed and defenseless. these people are PRAYING. the last ten days of Ramadan, especially tonight, is the holiest time of the entire year for Muslims.

this is not the first time israel committed a horrible attack like this and it won't be the last. for example, as we speak, people are being forced out of their homes in Sheikh Jarrah.

please don't let yourself get desensitized to what's happening in Palestine and speak up about this issue whenever you can

#i am so ANGRY and upset these people are PRAYING!!!!!!!! what kind of fucking monster do you have to be to attack them #in masjid al aqsa too like?? what israel is doing is BEYOND human rights violations and the media wont talk about it i dont know what to say #say it with me: being anti-israel does not equal being antisemitic but thinking israel = jewish people does #free palestine 🇵🇸 #free palestine #from the river to the sea #sheikh jarrah #save sheikh jarrah #palestine #jerusalem

[chessieshire]

Processing my thoughts here.

I've been rewatching Cas and Dean scenes and moments where I know they talk about each other to analyze their reactions. Why? Because I wanted to assess for myself how I think Dean feels about Cas. I like to think I have pretty good intuition or so I've been told throughout my life. Track record of it is pretty good with the results.

When you grow up walking on eggshells having to assess people's behavior and emotions in order to protect yourself and others it becomes a necessary survival skill.

So what do I think so far? Ok so Dean is definitely bi so let's get that out of the way.

I personally think Dean has been subconsciously attracted to Cas and has felt love for him as a best friend or brother up until season 12 when I believe Dean actually fell in deep love with Cas.

I believe the moment Dean fell in love with Cas was when Cas killed Billy to save the 3 of them and then says he doesn't care if he loses his own life as a consequence.

I think before that moment Dean really did feel dead inside from being locked up in solitude for almost 2 months. Then when Cas made that huge risk to his own life to save theirs I believe it brought Dean's emotions back to life. Like a cosmic jumpstart.

Obviously Dean's an emotionally suppressed dum dum (I am too it takes one to know one) that he wasn't aware of falling in love with Cas he was just reacting to his frustrations, confusions, and concern for Cas and the "cosmic consequences". Hence the marital bickering in the next episode.

I believe that Dean started to realize he was in love with Cas when he almost died by the poisonous/venomous lance. When Cas said he loves him looking at Dean and loves them all. Dean started to realize he loved him romantically as he almost lost him again but probably still didn't "get" what kind of love Cas meant towards him.

Then Dean's dealing with too much confusion about it. He was so upset with Cas leaving and not responding to his messages it triggered his abandonment issues while Mary was also "needing space" at the same time that made those triggers worse. He had told Cas previously that he's his and Sam's best friend and brother (probably to observe his reaction to that to get a hint of how Cas felt) but he's obtuse so he probably felt like Cas loved him like a bro.

Not to mention season 7 when Dean is telling Kevin that he doesn't believe angels have the equipment to care and when they try they breakdown.

So I can see how it never occurred to him about Cas being in love with him and why he'd continue to suppress his own emotions and try distracting them with countless women. Despite cutting down on the sexual conquests in the last few seasons because they probably didn't work much anymore as a distraction and he got a piece of the void filled with merely Cas's friendship.

Edited to add: (oh shit how could I forget to point out?! So the last time Dean canonically had sex was season 12 episode 18 while Cas was missing and Dean was extremely upset with him. Dean was trying to distract his feelings about Cas and it no longer worked in my opinion. He looked more distracted than usual and when he told Sam how his night was he had to say awesome 3 times like he was trying to convince himself. Hence the last time he sleeps with a woman. From this point on Dean doesn't have anymore one night stands. ...carry on...)

Without a doubt Dean was unsure if angels in general could actually fall in love and felt like it was less painful to not pursue a romantic relationship due to the job and how either one of them could die for any reason.

If Cas had been human and there were no more monsters and demons and supernatural shit to hurt and kill people I'm confident that they would've been hooking up. It would've ruled out the complicated job risks and made clear that Cas is capable of feeling romantic love for somebody.

The times that Dean was actually angry at Cas and not "pretend angry but actually worried" were because he was offended that Cas didn't trust him and that Cas took off without an explanation or response. It just added to Dean's fears of Cas being incapable of feeling true love for him because he's an angel.

When Dean prayed to Cas in season 15 I think he was going to finally confess he loved him. But time was of the essence. As it always is and then they never get a moment after that to really talk to each other until Cas confessed his love.

Edit: Can I check this one off?! Because it really does sound like Dean says, "I...(breathy pause) I-love...(huff pause) you-don't know why I get so angry." *thinks* Yeahhhh it counts dammit! ✅

The episode after Dean's confession is Garth showing him being with someone is possible with their complicated backgrounds and jobs and he dances with a lamp and blows it a kiss. Whether or not the lamp really is a stand in for Cas it definitely is a representation of something or someone Dean truly wants.

He yearns for sharing love with someone.

Edit: Can I sorta check this one off? Ehhhh...maybe??? The guy that plays Garth (sorry I don't want to misspell the actor's name) stated that there was hidden subtext for romantic love with Dean and another character. He didn't say the subtext was "lamp" though since he thought this scene was meant to be fun...but...I think maybe it still could be if he was unaware of it. Since I'm hearing the dance choreographer says there's deeper meaning.

In season 11 Dean asked Jesse and his husband Cesar about what was it like settling down with a hunter. He was thinking about it! He wanted to know not only for Sam but for himself as well! He asked a GAY COUPLE which clues me in on maybe because they made him think of him and Cas. Maybe subconsciously anyway.

Dean never gets the opportunity to express how he truly feels other than anger, forgiveness, and brotherly love towards people and that's some toxic masculinity bullshit!

When Cas left to the Empty Dean was completely breaking down not just because he lost Cas but because he felt he lost his only chance at a happy life with a significant other who understands him.

And then the next episodes made no fucking sense. Read a bit like "oh well now I'm relieved I didn't have to confess my deep love for a dude and can move on! Mmmmmm...pie!"

(my phone autocorrected to "mmmmmm... Pierre" and I was like 👀 even my phone's like Dean is bi and looking for a french dude to take his mind off Cas lolll)

So to summarize...Dean Winchester loves Castiel and the last 2 episodes is some outrageous bullshit and I'll never get over it unless by some miracle Jensen obtains the rights to the show and fixes it!

#dean is bi #dean winchester is in love with castiel #deancas #deancass #deanwinchester #destiel headcanon #destiel is love #destiel is real #bi dean #deans mix tape #dean x castiel #castiel winchester #casdean #canon destiel #castiel #cas #destiel is canon #dean winchester #destiel #destiel angst #destielgate

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 11*

Chapter 10

Chapter 12

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

Alright this one is kinda short but I needed a cliffhanger, and I need to get to fifteen now. Also, I had to write the ending of this in the car and it's difficult so I ended it where I did. Plus I love watching y'all squirm. SUFFER.

----------------------

Rafael hadn’t texted you back since you told him you didn’t care whether he believed you or not, maybe he had gotten the hint and decided to leave you alone. Why didn’t that make you feel any better? You knew what you had told Sonny was true; you couldn’t be in any kind of relationship with anyone but alcohol. 

You’d never admit it to Sonny since he was so proud of you lately, but the monster inside you may be present more than you let on. It wasn’t big things that set you off sometimes, sometimes it was just one bad grade on a test, or being lonely. 

You knew you needed to reach out to someone, anyone other than Sonny. Get some friends of your own, people you could talk to. But you were too ashamed of your problems and your life to ever approach anyone. Even when students in your class would ask you to go out with them after school, you’d always decline in fear of what you might do while you were out. You could keep yourself from having more than one drink on your own, but the social pressure of being around other people drinking made you just want to keep going. And you knew where that led. Where it always led. 

You had kept the monster at bay for so long, it was exhausting most days. And now that you had fed it and let it loose, you were too tired to even try and reign it back in. So here you were, practically unable to move from being so sick from drinking fucking mouthwash rather than ride out your cravings. 

You looked up at the sky and began to pray for God to just take you right there and then, just so you would have to stop feeling like this. Not just physically ill, but completely devastated and heartbroken that the one time you had ever opened yourself to someone, opened yourself to love, the monster inside you killed it. Just like it killed everything. Now you just wanted it to kill you. You were just about to grab some pure rubbing alcohol from under your bathroom sink to drink, you knew it was lethal if you drank about a capful. You had it up to your lips when you heard a banging on your front door.

“Y/N! Y/N open this door!” 

Were you still that fucked up or was that actually Rafael banging on your door? No, it couldn’t be. Could it? You decided it was worth at least checking, if you had hallucinated it you could always come back to the bathroom. You forced yourself to stand up and hobbled towards your front door, still afraid to open it. If it really was him, you didn’t want him to see you like this. Your t-shirt was covered in bright green vomit stains, your hair was messy from puking, your hadn’t checked but you figured your face was probably disgusting. 

“...I’m not home!” The words came out before your sense kicked in to tell you that was literally the most idiotic thing you could say. Clearly he’d know you were fucked up now.

“I’m not kidding! I’ll break down this door, I swear to God,” His voice was angrier than you’d ever heard him. Well, that wasn’t saying much considering you hadn’t known him that long but still. 

“Uh...okay, just a second!” You called nervously, doing your best to quickly change your shirt and fix your hair. 

You grabbed a semi clean t-shirt laying on your couch and threw your hair up in a messy ponytail, wiping the dried vomit and drool from your face. You glanced in the mirror, you looked messy but just messy enough you were pretty sure you could pull off “I’m emotionally destroyed because of you” not “I’m totally trashed and fucked in the head because of you,” You tried walking as straight as you could to the door and softly opened it a bit, not letting him inside.

“Hey…” You gave him a sheepish smile. Wait, weren’t you supposed to be mad at him? Don’t act nice now just because you’re trying to act sober. 

“I mean...that’s a pretty lively looking corpse there, counselor,” You smirked. 

“...What?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Weren’t you the one who said you’d never be caught dead in Jersey?” You smirked harder. Damn, even when you were on the verge of dying you were smooth.

“Let me in,” Rafael said flatly. 

“Uh, no,” You said mockingly. 

“Let me in,” He repeated more sternly. 

“Do you have a warrant?” You asked with an amused smile. 

“Dammit Y/N don’t make me shove this door open,” 

“Oh okay so now you’re threatening to break into my apartment? Why don’t you yell that a little louder, maybe my neighbor will call the cops,” You yelled at him while gesturing down the hall. 

“...Please let me in?” His voice lowered, his eyes softened. You were a sucker for those eyes, no matter how mad or worried about appearances you were.

“...Fine,” You sighed and released your hold on the door and walked away quickly to sit on the couch. You didn’t want him to realize you couldn’t stand without holding onto something. 

“Fuck, I knew it…” He muttered as he glanced around your apartment, then focused on you.

“Knew what?” You crossed your arms, playing it cool. 

“You’re drunk right now, aren’t you?” He looked at you pitifully, not livid like he was a minute ago. 

“What?” You kept your composure. “Uh, I’m sorry Rafael, do you see any empty bottles here? Any FULL bottles for that matter?” You gestured around your apartment while acting offended he would even think that.

“My dad was an alcoholic, Y/N,” He said softly which made you angrier, why was he doing this? 

“Um okay, so that has to do with me why--?”

“Tell me right now if I smelled your breath that it wouldn’t be overwhelmingly ‘clean’,” He talked over you.

“....What?” You blinked, trying desperately to act oblivious. 

Fuck, why did he know that was a thing? Well, obviously he just said it. If you weren’t so angry or out of your mind right now, you’d feel absolutely terrible for being like this around him now that you knew he’d been through this before.

“So it’s a crime to have dental hygiene now?” You smarmed.

“Dammit Y/N I know what you’re doing!” Now he was getting angry again, he couldn’t stand that you weren’t taking this seriously. He couldn’t stand watching another person he cared about completely shit faced in front of him, acting as if he was the one in the wrong. 

“And what am I doing, Rafael?”

“Sonny might be naïve, but I know what it looks like when an alcoholic is hiding their drinking!” He accused you.

“God dammit…” you muttered. 

So many things were buzzing in your head at that moment. One you now felt ashamed that he was seeing you like this, two you were upset that he knew all your tricks, and finally you were somewhat happy and hopeful that he cared enough to come for you. 

“Did you have an actual reason for coming over here, or did Sonny just send you to lecture me because he’s tired of doing it?”

“...Can you drink some coffee or something?” 

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows. “Why?” 

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,” 

“What? Oh suddenly I must be out of my mind trashed because I’m mad at you? Guess what Barba, this is 100% snarky sober me,” You lied. 

“Mad at me?” He laughed. “Why in God’s name are you mad at me?!” 

“After the way you treated me--”

“The way I treated you?!” He cut you off angrily. “I treated you with nothing but caring and respect, Y/N. Even after you sat there in my apartment throwing a temper tantrum like a petulant drunken toddler!” 

“You--” You were livid at him calling you a toddler.

“Just because Sonny told you what I usually act like towards-- lovers, doesn’t make it true with you. Did I ever, ever act like you were some ‘conquest’?” He asked you.

“...No,” You bit your lip nervously.

“Did I ever make you feel cheap, or unwanted?”

“No…” You looked at the floor.

“Didn’t I tell you that you were different, that you meant something to me?”  He gave you a sad look, as if he was crushed that you didn't believe in him.

“But how do I know that wasn’t just a line?!” You protested.

“Because I’m here!” He gestured around your apartment. 

“And why are you here?” You pressed him.

“I don’t know!” He put his hands over his head.

“...That’s not an answer,”  You crossed your arms.

“It’s the only answer I can give you, Y/N,” He finally sat down next to you on the couch. 

You curled up your knees to your chest instinctively, still trying to hide your inebriation and the smell of your breath; even though you knew it was futile at this point.

“So, you come all the way here to bang on my door and yell at me, but you have no idea why?” You continued to be defensive, trying to keep him off your scent.

“What do you want me to say, Y/N? Huh?” He threw up his hands. 

“Do you want me to say it’s because I’m in love with you? Because for the first time in my life I found someone that I want to be with all the time, because you make me the happiest I’ve been in a long time, maybe ever?” 

“Uh no,” You rolled your eyes. “I didn’t ask you to lie,” 

“...I’m not lying,”  He looked at you very seriously, trying to take your hand.

“Yes, you are,” You shook your head and pulled away from him. “In fact I know exactly why you’re here,”

“....What is happening right now?” Rafael asked himself softly. He had just sat there and poured out his heart to you, and you were dismissing him completely. This is exactly why he should have just let you be.

“What’s happening, is that you-- you feel bad that you couldn’t... I don’t know, ‘deal’ with your Daddy issues," You air quoted Daddy, making him shift uncomfortably.

"That is so--" He tried denying it.

"True?" You gave him a look. "Let me guess, you couldn't 'save' him as a kid, right?"

"...That wasn't on me," He muttered, looking at the floor.

"You don't believe that," you scoffed. "I know you don't."

"And how do you know that?" He looked at you skeptically.

"Because I feel like I failed my parents, and they were the shittiest people on earth!" You exclaimed.

"How did you fail them? You weren't even--"

"By being born, Raff," You clarified.

"Carino, don't--"

"Look, my point is you've got this 'white knight syndrome', but you know what I learned? You can't save everyone, so you shouldn't even try,"

"That's a great philosophy," he scoffed. "So you don't even try?'

"Oh fuck off," You rolled your eyes. "I can't even save myself, let alone anyone else,"

"That's not true," he protested. "You saved me,"

"Oh my god," you made a fake gagging noise. "You're just saying that so it'll appease some kind of guilt,"

"I have zero to feel guilty about," he shook his head. For some reason that made you even angrier. 

"Alright well good! So you can leave,"  You pointed towards the door.

"No I'm not leaving, not until you acknowledge what I said," He crossed his arms.

"What? About you being in love with me?" You scoffed. "I told you that's a load of shit."

"And why do you say that?" He asked.

"For one, because you don't fall in love with someone just because they're good in bed," you gave him a look.

"That's not why--"

"And for two, nobody can be in love with a monster," You finished over him.

"You're not a monster--" he tried pulling you towards him but you stood up.

"Yes I am!" You screamed.

Well that was a bad idea. All of a sudden it was as if the chemicals from the mouthwash were sizzling around your insides. You doubled over in pain, the room was going dark. 

"Y/N? Oh my god, baby hold on--" he grabbed you and pulled you into his lap while he dialed 911.

"It's okay, you're okay...just...just hold on, please…" he pleaded with you while stoking your hair and kissing the top of your head, gripping you as if you were going to disappear if he let up.

That was the last thing you heard before everything went black.

#rafael barba #rafael barba imagine #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfiction #weird secret friends

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

#morgan.txt #tw mental health #tw suicide mention #tw discourse #tw drama #THAT’S ALL FOLKS! signing off xx

[iblamemikegreen]

nobody talks about the destruction that being sexually abused as a child actually causes

ramblings by a survivor fighting to survive: pt 7

narcissism (noun) - selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

my mother was beautiful. it’s true. a real bonafide beauty queen. armed with poise, grace, talent, natural beauty, carefully practiced soft spoken words, and a constant polite smile. 

so shiny and perfect and wonderful. on the outside.

on the inside, however, she was one of the ugliest people to have ever stepped foot on this earth. she was mean, vindictive, manipulative, vain, narcissistic, cruel, selfish. ugly.

another doll in the dollhouse. fooling everyone she came in contact with, having them all think that she was so demure and innocent. 

when I was 11 and finally came forward about being repeatedly sexually abused for 6 years by my own grandfather (my mother’s father), my mother decided to sacrifice my safety and well being in order to protect her “Christian reputation.” 

“this is embarrassing” “what will the rest of the church think of us?” “Lindsey don't say anything to anyone about this, it’s shameful and gross” “I cant believe this is happening to me”

she never told me that it wasn't my fault. because she blamed me for ruining her perfect world. her perfect family. her perfect image. 

instead of blaming my abuser, she blamed me, the terrified and lonely 11 year old victim.  

she made the abuse that I had to endure, about herself. her permanent victim mentality bled through into everything, even her own daughter’s sexual abuse. she decided to stick her head in the ground like a coward and pretend like the abuse didn't happen, and if I ever tried to bring it up or exhibited a behavior attributed to PTSD she would cry and make it all about herself. because everything was always about her. always. 

more often than not, I find myself wishing that I had a mother that loved me. but she never did, and she never will. so I've decided to lay it all out in the open here and write a public letter to her in order to obtain the closure I need to move on with my life:

Dear Stephanie,

I would like to start off by saying that you lost the right to refer to yourself as my “mother” the second you decided to protect the man who destroyed my childhood instead of protecting me. because of you, the monster that ripped away any sense of safety, happiness, comfort, trust, and humanity from me didn't go to jail. he wasn't even registered as a sex offender. a cretin that sexually abused his own granddaughter from when she was the ages of 5-11 wasn't even registered as a sex offender because YOU and your wretched family cried to the judge and prosecutor because you wanted to protect your false pious reputation. what you did was beyond the realm of evil, and I hope you feel shame for it for the rest of your empty pathetic existence.

when I was 13 I overheard you while you were talking to your morally bankrupt mother on the phone. you were complaining about how I “wasn’t getting any better.” and how “it was embarrassing that I couldn't just let the past go.” well, while you tried to pretend like the abuse just never happened, I couldn't. you don't know what it’s like to have someone hold complete power over you. you don't know what it’s like to live in desolation as a child, fearful of being trapped in a room alone with your grandfather because you know he takes pleasure in hurting and destroying everything that you are. you don't know what it’s like to have your innocence and childhood completely ripped from your tiny fingertips before you even know how to spell your own fucking name. you never even bothered to try and understand the pain and suffering I had to endure. you didn't care about anything other than yourself, and your public image. 

you never apologized. and you never will, because you’re too far gone to even being to understand the calamity of your shitty parenting, and your heinous decisions. you created your own false reality, and separated yourself from the true world because all you wanted was attention. me being the victim of sexual abuse was just too much of the “spotlight” not being directed to you, so you decided to make yourself the victim in all of this. any mention of what I had to endure and you’d cry, asking why this happened to you. your reputation, your family, you you you you you you you. 

a few years after the “scandal,” as you so gracefully put it, happened, you and I were shopping at the mall. all of a sudden you pulled me aside into a store, giggling as you did so. when I asked what was going on, you pointed across the hall and there he was. the monster that tortured and molested me for six years, walking with his enabler of a wife, hand and hand, shopping at the same mall as us. you were treating it as if it were some kind of innocent game of hide and seek. acting as though me having to see the embodiment of detrimental and ground wavering fear and pain was no big deal. you got angry at me when I started crying, because I was ruining your shopping trip.     

you’re impossible to reach, because you don't even exist anymore. you just don't get it. you’re not even human. you’re just a phantom, remnants of some washed up beauty queen who was so narcissistic and vain that she couldn't stand her own daughter surviving life destroying trauma at age 11 because it drew attention from you. 

you were my biggest bully throughout the entirety of my life. no matter what I did, it was never good enough for you. or maybe it was, and you just thought it was fun to build me up one step, then cut me down five steps. I was always too ugly, too fat, too smart, too stupid, too untalented, too poorly dressed, too bad at makeup, too this, too that, not enough this, not enough that. it was exhausting, talking to you. being around your suffocatingly negative and jealous aura. you were so insecure about yourself and your fading beauty queen looks that you took it all out on your only child, like a miserable old hag. and yet you wondered why I never wanted to cultivate a relationship with you. 

I still vividly remember the moment I realized that you never loved me. it was June 2010, I was 15, and you and my dad were in the midst of a stressful divorce. it was stressful because you refused to leave the house, even though you weren't welcome, because you just loved to make everyone around you completely miserable; but I digress. we were sitting in your car in front of the house, and I told you that when the divorce was finalized I wanted to live with my dad full time, and for him to have full custody of me. it was then that you turned, looked directly at me, and said, “Lindsey that’s not fair. I don't want to have to pay child support.” you truly a miserable monster, just like your mother, and just like your father.     

there aren't enough words in this galaxy to explain how much you completely and utterly failed me in every aspect of being a mother. and honestly, I just don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I'm writing this to fully stop all of these thoughts, all these words left unsaid, from continuing to circle around in my brain. you aren't worth the stress, you really aren't. I cant even remember the last time I spoke to you, or saw you, because I cut off all contact years ago. maybe once upon a time I needed you as my mother, but when I realized that you were never one to begin with, that need faded. I grew strong on my own. I am who I am because I made me, and I did a hell of a good job. you don't get to take any credit in my successes, in my life, in my survival, because you are nothing to me. congratulations, Stephanie. you finally get what you’ve always wanted, the unwavering heat of the spotlight, because I'm exiting your stage for good. 

I don't forgive you, I'm not sure I ever will. because you don't deserve it. saying, “I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to upset you,” is NOT an apology. it’s not even a small step in taking actual accountability. but I don't expect much from someone as selfish and fake as you.

before you try to pretend to cry and say that I'm being mean to you, just know this, you aren't a victim. I'm not your true adversary here. you are your own worst enemy. these are just the consequences to your own narcissistic and evil actions, and you have to live with them forever in your empty, loveless, fake life.

you’ve always preached about how much of a “good christian” you are, and threw me away in order to protect that precious reputation of yours, so I'll end with this: I hope you’re somewhere praying.  

Sincerely,

The Daughter Who No Longer Thinks Of You

[diabolikangel158]

HAUNTED DARK BRIDAL- Prologue PART TWO

Okay. Here is part two and there are probably going to be more part because DAMN this prologue is long as hell. I am also still trying to see how much feedback this gets. It does seem that a few people enjoy the idea so I am going to continue putting out some more of this content. Enjoy~

Ayato whispers in Yui’s ear. “What did you want to say a few minutes ago?” Yui flinches and then blushes when Ayato pushes her down. “You’ve leapt right into the fire... and I’m hungry.” He chuckles. “And now I have a feast right when I wake up!” 

He moves in and licks her and Yui shoves him. “Release me! What are you doing?!” Yui yells out. 

“Those are my lines. Your the one who suddenly entered this place.” Ayato responds. Yui tries to defend herself, but Ayato interrupts her. “Shut up.” However, Yui still struggles and tells him to stop. Ayato laughs out, “What lively bait you are! Stop struggling and be quiet.” Suddenly, Ayato tears some of her clothing. 

“You are so strange to suddenly do that!” Yui yelps. “Don’t touch me!” Dear God, please help me...

Then, I pulse is heard and Ayato jumps back, surprised. “What was that?” he asks with a stutter, but another man enters. His name is Reiji. 

“What is so noisy? I’d like it to be quiet while I’m sleeping.” Reiji states. Ayato murmurs Reiji’s name. To this Reiji smirks and continues, “What happened that put such an idiotic expression on your face?” 

I should run away now! Before Yui has the chance to act on her thoughts though, Ayato calls out to her. 

Yui turns to Reiji and pleads for help. “H-help me please!”

Reiji is nonchalant as he looks at her and replies simply, “And you are?” Yui tells him her name and explains that she will be living here for a while. “Eh? Living here? What is the meaning of this Ayato?” 

Ayato appears to be just as confused as Reiji. “No idea! Hey, Breastless! You didn’t say anything about that before, did you?” Yui is taken aback and recalls aloud how he had suddenly attacked her. She also takes offense to his nickname. Ayato just sneers and says, “I~diot! You don’t have any breasts, do you? Breast~less!” Yui blushes in embarrassment. 

W-what’s going on? What’s the meaning of all this? Ayato stops his teasing to say, “Hey, Reiji. Have you heard anything about this?” Reiji replies in the negative. 

Yui hesitantly adds, “S-so there really was a mistake? Um... Who are you?”

Reiji replies calmly. “I am Reiji. Reiji Sakamaki.” Yui tests out his name quietly. Reiji had dark hair and strange purple eyes. He had an air of sophistication about him. I am lucky. It seems like he is different from the one called Ayato. You can actually talk with this person. 

Yui starts to mumble out more words, but another voice is heard. “There’s a cute human girl in a place like thi~s?” The sing-song voice inquires. The owner of the voice instantly appears. Th-this person suddenly appeared?!  He had red-orange hair, lighter than Ayato’s and it was topped by a fedora. His eyes were a piercing green, making one feel like he already knew all his/her dirty secrets. The man chuckles a bit before saying, “Hello and nice to meet you Bitch-chan...” He then goes on to lick Yui. 

Reiji, annoyed by this man’s rudeness says, “Laito. Don’t you think you are being a bit rude for the first time meeting this woman?”

Laito takes this lightly, a slight giggle coming from the back of his throat (nfu~). “Reiji, you’re as stiff as usual, aren’t you? Isn’t it alright? I was just tasting this delicious looking girl~” 

“Damn. I’ll kill you bastard, putting your spit on breastless before me!” Ayato threatens Laito, clearly upset that his saliva was on the girl. 

However, Laito is not deterred in the slightest. He laughs and says, “You have to put your saliva on delicious things, right? Otherwise, your uncivilized brothers will eat it up.” He paused for a moment. “Right, Kanato?”

Just then, a liliac haired boy appeared. His eyes matched in color. His presence could make even the toughest uneasy, despite his child like appearance. The most distinctive feature was how he had a teddy bear clutched tightly to his chest. “Please let me lick you, too. You mustn’t move okay?” The purple-haired boy seemed to approve once he tasted her. “Right. Sweet...She’s a rare, delicious person from the dirty human species, isn’t she?” Yui was shocked at his words, not really understanding what he meant. Either way, it couldn’t mean good things for her. Again... someone appeared suddenly... just what... is the meaning of this? That, and I was licked again! Kanato didn’t seem to mind her discomfort. “Hey, why is someone like this with us?” He asked.

Laito piped up. “Isn’t she tonight’s side dish?”

Ayato interjected. “Idiot. What are you talking about “side dish?” She’s mine. I was the first to find her.” 

Even Reiji decided to join. “But, you failed to eat her.”

Ayato angered. “Fuck you, Reiji! Don’t say useless things!”

“Ha... annoying.” Another, rougher voice was heard. There... came a voice out of nowhere? 

Ayato shouted out. “Ah? That voice is that Subaru guy isn’t it? Come out!” 

“Heh...” The voice went again. This time there is mistaking it. I thought it was just me but... This person... He just came from nowhere!

The silver- haired man had a look of utter annoyance painted on his face. He had peircing red eyes and looked ready to break something. “No wonder. I thought there was the smell of a human. its your fault right?” He directed his annoyed gaze at Yui. “Thanks to you, my precious sleeping time has been shortened.”

Yui stuttered, “S-saying such a thing!” What should I do? These people are somewhat strange. 

“Hey, how about you say something. Haah?!” Subaru threatened the young blonde. Yui shrieked in fear.

Laito whooped. “My little brother is as hot blooded as always, huh?” The orange-haired man chuckled. 

Subaru erupted. “Shut up you year-round slut! ‘Cause I don’t think of you as my older brother!”

Kanato now was getting annoyed as well. “This is getting annoying. If you don’t stop talking about useless things, I’ll cut you to pieces.” He stated calmly. Subaru declared that he thought Kanato’s threats were empty and useless. The child-like boy held up his teddy bear, looking at it as though it were a living being. “Teddy. Look. It seems like that guy is going to be out next trophy.”

Reiji seemed to have reached his limits with the others bickering. He sighed loudly before saying, “Could you please be more reasonable? Even a gentle person like myself will get angry at this rate. Cook or bake this person as you like...is what I would like to say, but...” He paused, looking to Yui. “I can’t tolerate my badly behaved little brothers fighting for you here. First of all, please tell us the reason why you lost your way to this place.

Yui was very nervous as she tired to find the words to describe her situation. What should I do? I’m scared! “Well...” she began. 

“What is it Breastless?Are you shaking?” Ayato asked.

Liato added on after his strange little giggle, “You really are cute aren’t you? I want to eat you right now.”

Kanato looked at Yui, tilting his head with curiosity. “Your teeth are chattering. “You are really scared of us, aren’t you?” 

Yui thought that this comment was quite obvious. “Isn’t that obvious? B-being in this scary place and... you... I don’t understand anything about you.” Yui finished.

Ayato was confused. “What is it you don’t understand? We’re really easy to understand aren’t we? Huh?”

Laito countered, saying, “Well, not as easy to understand as Ayato, right?” 

Reiji asked the boys not to interrupt and that their speaking didn’t make any progress. “Behave yourselves, or I will really get angry.” He then turned his attention to the tiny blonde girl. “You there, quickly explain your situation. Well, unless you want to get hit by my whip.” 

Yui felt a chill run up her spine. “U-understood. I’ll talk, I’ll talk!”

Yui explained to the boys present about how she was was sent here by her father, who was beckoned to travel across sea. She unfortunately couldn’t come with him and was told to come to this address. She also mentioned that she had previously been residing in a church.

Ayato laughed aloud. “You’re a daughter of the church?” Yui confirmed the fact, but didn’t see what was to significant about it. 

“No wonder it’s so bad.” Subaru stated.

“A daughter of the church on this property... what a fate.” Reiji commented. “And I don’t know about any relative either.

Yui quickly said, “So it really was a mistake on my side right?”

Laito nodded. “It’s unfortunate, but I guess so. I mean no matter how you think about it, someone from the church wouldn’t recommend this place, would he?”

Kanato tilted his head in confusion. “Laito? Are you not insulting yourself by saying that?” Laito just shrugged with a slight giggle. 

Yui decided that if she had made a mistake, then she should just be on her way then. “Well, I’ll leave for now.” I apologize for entering your residence at night.” I have to hurry and get out of this house! It seems like something terrible will happen if I stay here any longer.

Ayato appeared right in front of Yui. “Wait a second.” He said. Did he teleport? He’s suddenly in front of my eyes. “There’s no way you’ll go in this kind of situation, is there? Stay here.”

Laito nodded eagerly in agreement. “Ah~ I agree! You know, in this house, since there’s only guys, it’s dirty and you can’t do anything against it, you know? Maybe if you were to stay, maybe it would lead to our life being more elegant, too.”

Yui shook her head and grew even more nervous. “I-I refuse!” 

“Hey! Wait!” Ayato called out.

Yui ran away, quickly trying to escape her situation. There’s no way I could wait! What’s going on? Am I dreaming? I thought all that about this being a haunted house was just a normal urban legend, but it seems to be true! I can’t think of them as anything but ghosts or monsters! Yui did what her first instict was as a woman of faith. Pray. Amen... Dear God, please save me!

#diabolik lovers #ayato sakamaki #sakamaki laito #reiji sakamaki #subaru sakamaki #diabolik lovers novels #Kanato Sakamaki #yui komori #translations #dialoverstranslations #diabolikangel158 #angelmarie

[blueraith]

Hello, and Welcome Back...

To my ongoing series of, “Why the Fuck Can’t the Fandom See What Is Happening Right In Front of Their Fucking Goddamn Eyes?”

It’s a working title.

In today’s episode, we’re actually taking a look and analyzing some dialogue. Good golly, this is gonna be enlightening!

No, but seriously, last post I said that one really, really needs to learn how to read body language and facial expressions if one truly wants to learn how to write accurate characters that one doesn’t own.

But, to my chagrin, I realized in the shower—yes I am stereotypical and come to life affirming realizations in the shower though this one wasn’t of the life affirming type—that not only is the fandom really fucking blind, they’re also selectively deaf. Because the vast majority of fic writers who write Eliza as irredeemable trash, seem to latch onto very specific information. Information that is shared almost exclusively, through dialogue, from Alex.

Now, you are never going to see me claim that what Alex lived through wasn’t real. Because I’d wager that I know Eliza’s version of emotional abuse better than most. Particularly because Eliza has never seemed to have sank to the levels that I have experienced in my life. Not that it makes Alex’s experiences any less real, but only more frustrating. On the fandom’s part, not on Alex. Because Alex seems very willing to move her relationship forward with her mother, learn to forgive, and to repair. The fandom, on the other hand, seems convinced that Eliza has utterly destroyed Alex’s self-esteem and takes pleasure in that.

It’s honestly really fucking ridiculous.

Anyway, Alex is where most of these folks seemed to have learned that Eliza is an awful person. When Alex claims that her mother has always been harder on her, that she has never been good enough, has always screwed up as far as Eliza is concerned, the fandom not only takes her at face value, they also exaggerate these things. Because, and I don’t know about you, but when I describe how awful my mother has been to me, I am venting. Which means that I don’t tell y’all when my mom is actually my mother. The supportive, kind, and loving person she is fully capable of. I know this, I’ve lived it, even recently, but that doesn’t make the times she’s awful hurt any less. Because I know what she’s capable of. I know that she doesn’t have to be terrible to me. Yet she is. And that almost is worse, because it feels like I’m waiting for something that’s probably never going to happen. Waiting for her to just be the person I yearn she could be, and we could repair this rift between us.

And I believe that Alex is very similar to this experience. Eliza is not a monster in Alex’s eyes. And I will explain this in detail, because for god’s sake….

I don’t believe Alex is lying when she describes her interactions with Eliza, on the contrary, she’s probably being painfully frank. However, I do think that she’s biased in this instance. Like I said, I don’t think she’s as upfront with how Eliza actually loves her. I mentioned earlier that a writer should never fully depend on dialogue to write fanfiction, because people are sometimes biased. When a character is describing something from their point of view, you must assume that they are biased in some way because that is how people act in real life. Fiction is not exempt from this. If you asked Alex and Kara to both describe how their bond as sisters feels, you’d probably get two different answers. Because emotions are not facts, you aren’t going to get a dry run down from either of them over how they feel about the other. Similarly, you cannot depend on Alex to be factual about her relationship with her mother. And this is not to say that she’s lying. She’s not, she is being honest. However, she is being honest from Alex’s point of view. In terms of the pain Eliza has inflicted on her, and only the pain. She’s biased.

Alex is not a very forthcoming person in terms of her emotions in the first place. Many of these details she has shared about Eliza is to Kara. Which is very important to remember, because Alex knows that Kara knows that Eliza actually does love her. Alex doesn’t need to sit down with Kara and describe the ways Eliza has been kind to her because Kara was probably there and witnessed these things first hand. No one vents about good things. Not the same way that they do with their pain.

Again, look back at Thanksgiving 1. Alex is mad and upset with Eliza. Case and point is when she bitterly refuses to go along with Kara’s ‘Let’s talk about what we’re thankful for.’ Because Alex is not feeling particularly grateful at the moment, she’s resentful, in fact. She comes out about the DEO because part of her wants to get Eliza’s disapproval over with. The both of them are not in anyway interested in keeping that interaction from blowing up into a fight. Again, I am very familiar with this kind of thing. If Alex actually wanted to make that as undramatic as possible, first off, she wouldn’t have told Eliza about the DEO in front of Winn. Remember that Winn is not yet Alex’s friend, he’s just her little sister’s best friend. Alex is not normally forthcoming about her feelings. Why in this wide world would she have made to have this conversation with Eliza, in front of someone she is not remotely close to no less, if she planned on making herself emotionally vulnerable in any way?

The answer, is that she wasn’t. Ever. Anger is not vulnerability to most people. Anger is often something people hide behind, that they use to defend, to attack, to lash out with. I do the same thing with my mom when she really pisses me off. Just push, prod, purposefully bring up things I know she won’t like, argue with her simply to argue, say things I don’t even personally believe in but I know that she hates. Just to see her get as angry with me as I am feeling with her.

Alex wasn’t quite at that extreme, but she’s coming clean not to get Eliza to say that she’s proud of her. She knows that Eliza won’t like that she’s working for the DEO on some level. On another, she is hopeful that things will go well. That’s where the look of surprise comes from when Eliza smacks her right down immediately. Because Alex yearns for her mother’s approval, and not getting it, even when she doesn’t expect to, is a punch to the gut. Alex wants nothing more than to make her mother proud, it’s what she most wants, it’s what she hopes and prays for in every interaction that they have. To not get it is a horrible sinking disappointment every time.

Alex is terrified of failure. And when you are terrified of failure, you have to have failed at some point in your life. Repeatedly. There is nothing quite so back crushingly exhausting than failing repeatedly in your life no matter how hard you try to succeed. And at some point or another, you just get used to failing. It’s the default, why even try anymore? As far as Alex is concerned, that is where she is with Eliza. She’s used to not being good enough, might as well just come clean now, fuck it, she’ll react however she wants to, it’s not my fault, it’s not going to hurt this time, she can think what ever the hell she wants, let’s just get this bullshit over with.

Except it does hurt, and she knew that it was. Hence the drinking.

Now, I, again, brought up Thanksgiving 1 to highlight the ways Alex and Eliza actually were messed up. Both from what we know Alex says, and the way Eliza acts. That is the rift between them. Here is where the fandom becomes selectively deaf. Eliza apologizes to Alex, while they are alone, so that Alex can actually be herself in that conversation. Alex cries, Alex asks her, again, why she isn’t ever good enough. But this time, she’s not lashing out at her mother. “I will never win with you,” is something you say to someone when you want to make sure that they know that a rift in a relationship is all that person’s fault. “Why wasn’t I ever enough?” is something you say when you blame yourself. Yet know that isn’t quite right either. It’s what you say when you know something is wrong between you and you don’t know how to fix it anymore.

And the following conversation, one that I won’t be breaking down because for god’s sake go watch and listen to it this time instead of writing it off, completely addresses that very vulnerable question. One that only a child asks. One that is often taken into adulthood because that sinking feeling of being a disappointment has followed them for years. “You have always been my Supergirl,” was said purposefully. Eliza did not just watch her grown daughter break down in front of her, something that probably hasn’t happening in a long time, and just ignored that. I don’t think Alex quite believed her in that moment, and I don’t think Eliza quite earned that yet, but it was said and it’s now up to Eliza to prove it.

And she does. Off screen, too.

Because now we’re at the part I started this long ass post for in the first place. Two lines of dialogue that actually says everything there is to be said about how this relationship is no longer a mess. It’s not quite healed, but it is scarring over.

Here is a good example of when to actually take dialogue at face value.

The difference between Alex being biased about Eliza and taking what she says as serious, but not quite damning, is that Eliza is not in the room to defend or confirm Alex’s words.

Now, let’s take a look at when Alex comes out as gay to Eliza. Eliza says two things, that I believe are often overlooked.

One. “Keeping secrets disagrees with you, sweetie.”

Alex, Agent Alex Danvers, is exactly that. A fucking secret agent of a shadow government organization. We all know just how good Alex is at her job. She kept up the secret from Eliza for years. She should be very good at keeping secrets. Just look at Kara’s entire existence, for god’s sake. Yet, Eliza now claims that she can tell when Alex is lying. And Alex seems completely incapable of lying to Eliza right now. She’s so painfully obvious in this scene. And if there relationship was just as bad as it used to be, she shouldn’t be, right?

So this tells me a few things. One, Alex doesn’t keep secrets from Eliza anymore. It seems to me, that they have been speaking with each other.

Which goes right into the second piece of dialogue. “Is this something to do with Maggie? You talk about her a lot.”

Which confirms that they speak regularly. Because when would Alex ever have the chance to talk to Eliza if they don’t flat out call each other on the regular? Because, at this point, Alex and Maggie haven’t known each other for a terribly long time. Yet, Eliza not only knows that Alex’s secret has to do with Maggie, but knows Alex cares about Maggie as well.

I mean, Christ, this is some pretty clear cut shit. They’ve been repairing their relationship on their own terms, off screen for a while. But, there’s still that lingering hurt. Which is why Alex was afraid of coming out in the first place.

This is a stark difference between Thanksgiving 1 and this scene. Alex was angry at Eliza during T1. She told her about the DEO in a way that wasn’t conductive to becoming emotionally vulnerable. I.E. alone, with Winn not right next to her. There weren’t going to be any tears, any heart felt questions, or any vulnerability so long as he was right there.

During T2, Alex gets even more drunk because she knows she can’t handle the emotional fallout here either. However, she does try here because most of the people there are actually her family at that point. With the exception of Mon-el. She’s not looking to have a one-to-one conversation with Eliza, though. That’s the whole purpose of coming out surrounded by people, I suspect.

But this time, they are alone. Alex does not decide to hide. She could have. Eliza was going to drop the matter. Alex decided to keep the conversation going when she asked, “How?” Alex is not angry right now. She is afraid. She is afraid of being a disappointment. Which is different from being a failure. A failure is something you do. Or fail to do, rather. It is on your shoulders, it is your fault. Being a disappointment can be different. It can be linked to failure, to being your fault, but I don’t think Alex was thinking this way in that moment. She was afraid that Eliza was be disappointed in what she was, not who. You can see this has nothing to do with anger because Alex immediately bursts into tears while stone cold sober.

The fact that Eliza was surprised that Alex was so afraid speaks volumes, too. She’s not oblivious. She knows she’s hurt Alex in the past. That’s the whole aftermath of T1, after all. But they’ve been getting closer, they’ve been speaking, Alex doesn’t remember how to lie to her, Eliza knows that not only is Alex gay from the mere descriptions she makes of Maggie but that Alex also speaks about Maggie enough for Eliza to even realize that Maggie is an important part of Alex’s life. They are in the midst of healing. Eliza is surprised because she thought they had moved past this. Only to find out that they haven’t, and Eliza chooses to tell Alex that she is exceptional.

This is dialogue you cannot just brush off. Alex and Eliza are only talking about each other to each other. This is not biased dialogue. If it were, one of them would have started arguing, most likely Alex. But that’s not what happened. It was an emotional, vulnerable, and open scene between these two. Which means that they were both completely and utterly honest with each other.

I’m sorry, but this is not the actions of two people who ignore each other until Eliza decides out of the blue to come visit National City, and “Alexandra, surely you won’t mind, I’ll be there tomorrow.”

And “Shit, Maggie, my MOM is coming here? What am I going to do?!?!” 

“Alex, babe, please put down the scotch. I’ll take care of her for you if you want.”

“Thanks, Mags. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

I mean, for god sake.

What the fuck?

#supergirl #eliza danvers #alex danvers #listen and watch people #sigh