you're grabbing lunch with a nice man and he gives you that strange grimace-smile that's popular right now; an almost sardonic "twist" of his mouth while he looks literally down on you. it looks like he practiced the move as he leans back, arms folded. he just finished reciting the details of NFTs to you and explaining Oppenheimer even though he only watched a youtube about it and hasn't actually seen it. you are at the bottom of your wine glass.
you ask the man across from you if he has siblings, desperately looking for a topic. literally anything else.
he says i don't like small talk. and then he smiles again, watching you.
a few years ago, you probably would have said you're above celebrity gossip, but honestly, you've been kind of enjoying the dumb shit of it these days. with the rest of the earth burning, there's something familiar and banal about dragging ariana grande through the mud. you think about jeanette mccurdy, who has often times gently warned the world she's not as nice as she appears. you liked i'm glad my mom died but it made you cry a lot.
he doesn't like small talk, figure out something to say.
you want to talk about responsibility, and how ariana grande is only like 6 days older than you are - which means she just turned 30 and still dresses and acts like a 13 year old, but like sexy. there's something in there about the whole thing - about insecurity, and never growing up, and being sexualized from a young age.
people have been saying that gay people are groomers. like, that's something that's come back into the public. you have even said yourself that it's just ... easier to date men sometimes. you would identify as whatever the opposite of "heteroflexible" is, but here you are again, across from a man. you like every woman, and 3 people on tv. and not this guy. but you're trying. your mother is worried about you. she thinks it's not okay you're single. and honestly this guy was better before you met, back when you were just texting.
wait, shit. are you doing the same thing as ariana grande? are you looking for male validation in order to appease some internalized promise of heteronormativity? do you conform to the idea that your happiness must result in heterosexuality? do you believe that you can resolve your internal loneliness by being accepted into the patriarchy? is there a reason dating men is easier? why are you so scared of fucking it up with women? why don't you reach out to more of them? you have a good sense of humor and a big ol' brain, you could have done a better job at online dating.
also. jesus christ. why can't you just get a drink with somebody without your internal feminism meter pinging. although - in your favor (and judgement aside) in the case of your ariana grande deposition: you have been in enough therapy you probably wouldn't date anyone who had just broken up with their wife of many years (and who has a young child). you'd be like - maybe take some personal time before you begin this journey. like, grande has been on broadway, you'd think she would have heard of the plot of hamlet.
he leans forward and taps two fingers to the table. "i'm not, like an andrew tate guy," he's saying, "but i do think partnership is about two people knowing their place. i like order."
you knew it was going to be hard. being non-straight in any particular way is like, always hard. these days you kind of like answering the question what's your sexuality? with a shrug and a smile - it's fine - is your most common response. like they asked you how your life is going and not to reveal your identity. you like not being straight. you like kissing girls. some days you know you're into men, and sometimes you're sitting across from a man, and you're thinking about the power of compulsory heterosexuality. are you into men, or are you just into the safety that comes from being seen with them? after all, everyone knows you're failing in life unless you have a husband. it almost feels like a gradebook - people see "straight married" as being "all A's", and anything else even vaguely noncompliant as being ... like you dropped out of the school system. you cannot just ignore years of that kind of conditioning, of course you like attention from men.
"so let's talk boundaries." he orders more wine for you, gesturing with one hand like he's rousing an orchestra. sir, this is a fucking chain restaurant. "I am not gonna date someone who still has male friends. also, i don't care about your little friends, i care about me. whatever stupid girls night things - those are lower priority. if i want you there, you're there."
he wasn't like this over text, right? you wouldn't have been even in the building if he was like this. you squint at him. in another version of yourself, you'd be running. you'd just get up and go. that's what happens on the internet - people get annoyed, and they just leave. you are locked in place, almost frozen. you need to go to the bathroom and text someone to call you so you have an excuse, like it's rude to just-leave. like he already kind of owns you. rudeness implies a power paradigm, though. see, even your social anxiety allows the patriarchy to get to you.
you take a sip of the new glass of wine. maybe this will be a funny story. maybe you can write about it on your blog. maybe you can meet ariana grande and ask her if she just maybe needs to take some time to sit and think about her happiness and how she measures her own success.
is this settling down? is this all that's left in your dating pool? just accepting that someone will eventually love you, and you have to stop being picky about who "makes" you a wife?
you look down to your hand, clutching the knife.
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— beneath the mask
din djarin x f!reader
rated t - 1.3k
tags: medieval!au, light angst, anxiety, arranged marriage, soulmate au, reader has a mother & father
prompt: "I wanted it to be you, I wanted it to be you so badly” from the writing challenge hosted by the amazing and lovely @moonlight-prose 💖
when a mysterious stranger wins your hand at the tournament, you can't help but wonder about his intentions
With each step down the aisle, your legs threaten to give out.
A clicking of your teeth as you tremble, before you're gritting your jaw, biting your anxiety back. You have a reputation to uphold, even if you're only the daughter of a lord from a lesser house.
You're still a lady.
And this marriage would ensure a home for you. Protection. More than, if this man is what he says he is.
But a part of you desperately wishes that it was someone else at the end of the aisle.
You'd searched for a long time. For the glimpses that flash in your dreams at night. Knowing that he was out there - the one you had begun to think of as yours.
Your soulmate.
Never managing to meet the same eyes that reflect back at you in the darkness, just before you wake. Not once in the hundreds, thousands of people you’ve looked at, throughout your years.
And when none were found, you slowly gave up. Knowing the world was too large and you were too small, too poor, to seek them out.
Eventually agreeing to the match that your mother and father arranged.
If you could not have him, then you did not want anyone.
And now - the figure that waits for you stands tall.
Encased in gleaming armor, showing none of the nerves that wrack you. Making you wonder if you should have protested. Taken the path of the unwed, even if there was hardship in your future.
The stranger had won your favor, in the tournament. That is how the story will be told, passed on by your father.
Looking back, you remember very little from it. Knowing deep down that the winner would be the one to have your hand, whether you liked it or not. So much of it had turned to haze, as you had sat frozen there.
All but too nervous to watch, as weapons clashed, shields splintering.
Men you had known and grown up with falling beneath the sword of the mysterious man, clad in silver armor.
A Mandalorian, it was rumored.
Something from stories, you didn't know they still existed. An ancient clan of knights and warriors, honoring weapons and myths over sworn deities. Never revealing their faces to outsiders, and sometimes even to their own.
He had never killed any of them, and there was some comfort in that.
But that didn't mean he did not wound.
That he wasn't vicious, ferocious on the battlefield. Driven by an unseen force. Unrelenting, even when blood was drawn - splattering a bright crimson against his armor.
Showing just how he came to earn his station. The leader of his tribe, from the whispers you heard. Traveling far - slipping into the last few open brackets in the tournament, just as the first morning was starting.
Ripping through them all, in the days that followed.
You were given as the prize, in the end.
Even before the day ends, you would belong to him - ferried off to a new life tomorrow.
And this is what also slows your feet.
Wondering why such a man would come for you.
At the end of the aisle, you halt. The clergymany is speaking, but it's all white noise. Your own eyes wide and face solemn as you stare at your betrothed - your features reflected back at you in the tinted glass of his visor.
Acutely aware that you haven't seen his face. Not knowing what your husband was to look like.
Was he younger than you? Or older... older than your father?
Was his face kind, or was it as sharp as his movements? Was it all snarling teeth, beneath?
Were his eyes blue, or green, or just maybe... brown? Like his?
You don't know. You think not. Leaving you to wonder how you will bear it - to spend each day staring into their eyes while dreaming of anothers.
It's only when a voice raises that you're snapped from your thoughts. Realizing that the ceremony is waiting for you.
Managing, with a stammer, to repeat the words. To pledge yourself - your life and love - to this stranger.
The words repeated after, a low voice layering with metal. The shaking of your hands is still visible when they reach out to meet his, the tips of yours resting against wide, steady palms.
Covered in gloves but solid, like the rest of him.
Only the peek of tanned skin visible when he peels the glove from his hand. A small comfort coming in the warmth of his hand, as you slip the ring on his finger, settling it just above a scarred knuckle.
The careful brush of his fingers - a calming stroke against your skin, when he slips a matching one on yours.
Gentle, after everything.
Not him.
But perhaps, not a monster.
The celebrations swirl past you. There's music you don't remember. A meal that sits heavy in your stomach, from the meager amounts you managed to swallow.
A smile plastered on - assuring your excitement to family and friends - all while you worry about the hours to come.
Will he be as gentle as he was during the ceremony?
Or will it be more like the battlefield?
These thoughts linger, as the hours pass. Until the sun dips below the horizon, until the stars blanket the sky.
And then, you're alone.
Waiting in the finest room prepared for him in the guest wing. The pretty, ivory gown stripped from you, replaced with something thin and fine and silver - hand-sewn and intended to please him.
Pacing, until you hear the heavy steps approaching - as he returns from a meeting with your father, your dowry and your life handed over.
Leaving you frozen in place, as the door opens. Where he lingers, filling the space.
A different man than before, you think.
There had not been a slope to his shoulders, the way he moves as if afraid to frighten you.
His voice is different too - soft now, coaxing.
"I wish our meeting had been under more pleasant circumstances." Your husband tells you, as the door slowly shuts behind him.
Trapping you, now. The iron latch heavy, as it locks into place.
"But I could not bear to stand by." He continues, that hard edge creeping into his voice again, "You must understand."
"I don't." You manage - your brow pinched, shifting the smallest step backwards as he moves forward.
He goes still, at your retreat.
"Do you not, ner kar’ta?" His head tilts, "Do you not know why I have come?"
The shake of your head is small. Not understanding the name he calls you, his intentions.
He hesitates then, for a second. Before his hands are reaching - grasping the edge of his helmet. Slipping it from his head, as his head dips.
His hair is dark, beneath. Messy and curling, greying at the temples, down to the scruff that lines his jaw beneath plush lips and the curve of his nose.
And his eyes. That pretty shade of brown, the dark fan of his eyelashes.
You know them. Though you've never seen them, yourself.
For a moment, you can't breathe. Frozen for an entirely new reason - starting back at the eyes that you've seen so often.
"It's you," You manage. The words are no more than a soft gasp.
He lets you touch him, then. Fingertips tracing his jaw, those eyes slipping shut when your fingers brush the nape of his neck. Somehow knowing how the curls would feel against your fingers, already knowing each detail of his face.
Hidden deep down, revealed bit by bit in your sleep.
Only now, do you see all of him.
And only now, do you lean in. Your head tipping towards him, just as his forehead presses against yours. And it's now that you understand the warmth of his touch - the way it seems to soak into your skin. A lost piece of you, now becoming complete.
You hadn’t been able to find him - so he had found you, instead.
Unable to help the smile, as the dark pit in your stomach blooms into spring.
I wanted it to be you, you think - as your heart finally starts to beat again. I wanted it to be you so badly.
There's a hitch in his breath, with your touch. Fingers that stretch out and then curl, until you're taking them yourself, slipping yours between them.
"Now do you know?" Your husband murmurs, in the voice that you know as well as his eyes.
And you do - the answer coming easily, as you nod, "Because you're mine."
"Yes," He smiles.
"Yours."
i cant stop writing soft!soulmate din 💖 thank you for reading!!
ner kar’ta - my heart
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