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#i am so tired
*quarantine and more free time because e v e r y t h i n g is closed*: exists Me: whelp. Time to watch epithet erased 10 more times and draw for like 5hrs straight

That’s me, though. I had the show running in the background literally 3 days straight.

I’ve been animating for class in that time, too, and guess what? You know you’ve worked hard when your animation takes an hour to render with the fastest PC available to you. The poor thing is dying right now.

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How many children would Elain and Lucien have? They look like they would have 5 children running around the garden lmao

You are 100% right.

Elain is the Domestic Sister and so yes, big family. Maybe more than 5, but not more than like 8 because poor Elain, and the whole fae having a hard time conceiving thing. (Lowkey this could be a huge blow to Elain. She’s probably had her kids’ names picked out since she was 12 and now she finds out it’s going to take her ages, if ever? But she and Lucien are surprisingly fertile so it’s ok.)

Lucien also missed out on the family he thought he was going to have. He is 1000% on board with lots of kids.

They spend a lot of time outside, maybe Elain takes up painting outdoors but she just can’t understand art the way she understands plants (she’s really into botany). Lucien is out there running around with the kids and getting into trouble with them. He’s the fun parent, Elain is the nice parent, and between the two of them they have a TON of trouble with discipline because neither wants to do it. Ultimately it’s always Lucien, but he does it in a *wink wink nod nod* way because the kids know that their parents can never stay mad, and they are just generally a super close, tight-knit family.

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I just realized that I’m actually getting MORE social interaction than I have like pretty much ever. it’s honestly really overwhelming and exactly what I DON’T WANT.

I’ve been thinking for months about how I just wanted to take a break from everything, not work and not see anyone and not talk to anyone!!!

I thought maybe a silver lining in the horrible state of the world would be to get to have some version of that desire - but no!

I still go to work because I can and need the money so I don’t really get to not work unless we go on lockdown which uh our state officials are absolutely refusing to do.

And I get calls from friends and family basically every fucking day. I STILL have pressure from my dad to go see him. I’m absolutely completely fucking overwhelmed with how much people have been contacting me. I HATE IT!

on the other hand, I’m terribly lonely and need it. thing is, I’ve always preferred seeing people in-person. phone calls and even messages have always felt horrifically awkward… but I can’t see people in person. so if I stop talking to people I’ll go absolutely nutso.

I’m really depressed. I can cope ok, but it means I have very little extra energy after work, barely enough to feed myself let alone take three fucking phone calls.

All of this is making everything basically unmanageable stressful and I’m starting to get really fucking irritable and I am trying so SO hard not to lash out.

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I finally cracked and drew unsympathetic Virgil. This is inspired by @nachosforfree , who was the one that got me to like unsympathetic sides in the first place! For being a style experiment (and being drawn at midnight) I’m actually pretty happy with how this turned out!!

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i just wrote almost a thousand more words of a shitty dramatic screenplay for a uni class and i am blown away because it felt like i wrote so much less.

now i feel like i should just drop out of graphic design and start writing for real.

also writing with rimes is so much fun! sadly it is in portuguese so i can’t share it with you but i am inspired, even if it is really shitty. it is supposed to be anyway

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My brain always chooses the really good days to end on a mental breakdown.

Yesterday was amazing dude. Work was actually GOOD–busy, but manageable, despite being usually our roughest day of the week. I made lots of sales. It was nice.

Liv was an ANGEL all day long. Slept in late so Anthony could get plenty of rest. Was well-behaved. Listened well, no tantrums, rarely got into anything she wasn’t supposed to and when she tried she was redirected easily. Lots of independent play. The only thing I had to scold her for all day was pushing on the window screen, and I closed the window and she went off to play with something else. Even easy at bedtime–it was a half-hour long bedtime, but she started her bedtime routine on her own (asked to go potty and wash her hands and brush her teeth and told me what book she wanted to read before bed), and the only thing that made it take longer than usual was that she wanted to cuddle with me and who am I to complain about that?

I got lots of reading done yesterday, and even got a chance to journal for a bit which I never get to anymore.

And then Whiskey did a livestream thing and my brain decided to bring back ALL the feelings, and that sent me on an RSD spiral (I know RSD isn’t a common term but just google rejection sensitive dysphoria if you don’t know what it is, I’m too tired to explain it) and I had a massive breakdown and didn’t fall asleep until 1am.

Guess whose child woke up at 3:30am and didn’t fall asleep again the rest of the morning?

Two and a half hours of sleep is plenty, right?


Help me I’m dying

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