#i am so uncomfortable with myself for everything and i just hate being faced constantly that really all i have to do is just make the move

[astonmartingf]

SLOWLY ; LH44

— after all the years you’ve been together with lewis as friends, you realize what lewis means to you

amgf mentions of break downs and panic attacks, crying, realizing feelings are overwhelming and it's just too much for reader but don't worry it's fluff 🫶 enjoy because wow i loved writing this, also tried my hardest not to make this like my other lewis smau and i hope i did that. anyways, enjoy!!! the next part we're going somewhere special 😉👍

masterlist

“Nico! You’re here at Lewis' party? I missed you so much, I have no one to talk to— Lewis is busy yet he’s always around. What if… what if I start seeing him in some type of way? Or am I drunk? I’m not drunk aren’t I? Maybe I am… a true friend wouldn’t have feelings for a friend right? OH MY GOSH! What if it was Lewis all along? I mean, I don’t mind, look at him? But… ARRGGGHHH! I have so much to say, but I can’t say it. Not to his face… I really think I’m starting to like—”

Do you have an unhealthy attachment to the voicemail Nico sent you four years ago of your drunken confession to admitting to having some type of feeling for your friend, Lewis Hamilton?

Yes.

Does Nico constantly remind you of the said confession four years after?

Yes.

Is it haunting your mind? It’s haunting your mind, soul, and heart— because as much as you hate to admit it, the feelings are starting to follow you, four years later. All your drunken word vomit to Nico was slowly following you throughout the years and it’s only then that you realize the culmination of all your deepest and darkest thoughts about Lewis.

That after all those years of friendship and platonic love… it might be him.

As time passes by you’ve fully integrated into yourself that Lewis would be an integral part of your life, in your formative years you stuck by each other up until the occurring present, and soon you figured out you’d still be friends with him in the future. He was always there, it was understandable.

But it wasn’t until you fully grasped that he was always there, and he might never go away.

“So have you thought about it?” Nico breaks your train of thought, sitting on the carpeted floor of his daughter’s playroom wearing tiaras and tutu skirts, playing tea party with the teddy bears Lewis gifted them last Christmas.

“I’m not thinking about Lewis.”

“That was an awfully quick answer, didn’t even mention him in the slightest.” You blink, dropping the “cup of tea” handed to you. “What did I say?” 

Nico sighs in front of you, picking up the plastic tea cup, placing it back on the table, whispering something to his daughter before removing the wand from your left hand and whisking you out of the room.

“Is everything okay?” Nico asks, pulling one of the throw pillows into your lap, eagerly waiting for your response.

“It’s scary— these feelings I’m bearing. I don’t think I can handle it, I want them gone.” Your words are void of emotion, but your eyes tell a different story as tears start pooling your eyes, heavy and slowly out of breath, shaking your head in disbelief.

You shudder as Nico pulls your arms together to your side, forcing you to face him— you stare at his eyes, slowly blurring at the tears blocking your view. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t want it. It’s all too much for me, this— this feeling, it’s uncomfortable, I don’t like it.”

“It’s new, but it’s still the same. It’s still the same Lewis and he won’t ever change.” Nico tries to comfort you, but you’re spiraling way too quickly to make sense of it all.

“No it won’t! I like him, things will be different from then on, can’t you see? I’m ruining it all, and once Lewis realizes that he’ll leave me for being a bad friend. It’s all my fault, I like him and I hate myself for it. I can’t believe it, all those years will end up with me being alone all because I like him. And now, I can’t even— I don’t want to look at him. I’m disgusted and disappointed at myself for even thinking that I have a chance, every moment I’m with him I look forward to the next, and it’s all new to me, I don’t like it Nico!” 

You catch his daughters peeking from the playroom, fully unaware of the volume of your voice. They probably didn’t expect their aunt to break down in their house on a random weekday, yet here we are. You laugh bitterly, wiping the tears in your face. “I’m scared Nico, I don’t know what to do.”

Nico holds his breath out nodding slowly, comforting you, “Yes, I understand… it all seems scary, these big feelings— it’s new. But, remember it’s still Lewis. I don’t think he would want you to be all alone as well.”

It was the last straw, the cumulation of all your feelings summed up to one— after Nico left and Lewis being avoidant about the situation, it left scars around you. You realize not to bring it up, and thinking of your own feelings and over analyzing down the “what could have beens” in your head, you went ahead of your own thoughts, slowly pulling you in a never ending spiral of destruction.

“I’m home! And guess who I met on the way?” Watching you bursting into tears on the couch in front of Nico, still adorning the tutu skirt and plastic tiara on top of your head was not the sight Lewis and Vivian were expecting when they came in.

Nico put his hands out defensively, “It’s not my fault— okay maybe I was part but I promise you I was just helping her. Not helping her cry, I just said some things that made her emotional— okay no. It wasn’t my fault I promise you, YN was just saying something and I said it wasn’t true, I just assured her. I promise I didn’t make her cry, she did that to herself.”

You burst into laughter all whilst rubbing your eyes dry, “Hi Vivian… Lewis— I swear it wasn’t him. It’s all just me being silly.” Nico gave you a pointed look, assuring you your feelings are very much valid and not silly, but you just shake your head in dismissal.

Lewis approached you, slowly wiping the tears of your face and pulling onto the strings of your heart. If you had any more tears left to cry you would’ve bursted then and there again, but you wouldn’t do that in front of Lewis. “Are you sure? Or are you just saying that because we’re here? I’m sure Vivian doesn’t mind if you tell us the truth, did Nico make you cry?”

You laugh resting your face onto the palm of his hands, “He did make me cry, but I assure you it was out of the goodness of his heart. It was either me crying or possibly passing out, I’d rather cry my heart out.” The mention of almost passing out leaves Lewis more worried than Nico being the reason for your tears.

“Darling why? Are you tired? Do you want to go home?” Go home. Home being Lewis’ apartment just a floor above Nico's. As much as you want to rest, close your eyes, and forget about all of this, you couldn’t bear being alone with Lewis yet.

You shake your head, “No… I want to play with the kids, Nico pulled us out to talk for a moment and then I had this breakdown, I want to stay I promise. It might help distract me from my own thoughts.”

Lewis, still wary, lets you off to play with the kids as he helps Vivian and Nico in the kitchen. “So… care to tell us what happened?” Nico presses his lips into a thin line before shaking his head.

“Sorry but this is about YN, if you want to know you ask her yourself, I doubt she wants to talk about it yet but don’t worry. It’s nothing alarming, I promise you— she just needs time to think about it more.” 

Not convinced, Lewis presses on the issue, “She’s okay though?”

Nico laughs, “She’s more than okay! I think it’s only going to get better from here on. It was just an enlightening time for both of us, more for her, but don’t worry Lew, things are looking up from here on.”

Sitting with the kids as you continue your interrupted tea party, they shower you with hugs and comforting words before instructing you how to play tea party with them. Peeking from the door of the playroom, you catch a glimpse of Lewis in the kitchen with Nico, not before sending a small smile and waving in your direction.

You smile back at him, and to yourself. Nico was right.

It’s still Lewis— things may be looking fast for your feelings, but one thing’s for sure. You’ve been slowly falling for Lewis since then.

#f1 fluff #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #lewis hamilton fluff #lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton imagine

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am i the asshole for responding in distress and upset after my best friend of six years cut me off??

Now, i know this sounds really cut and dry to begin with, but i promise it’s way more than just the title. That’s why I’m reaching out in confusion here.

About three weeks ago, my best friend of six years asked if i was free in the evening. It’s important to note that at this time there had been no communicated issues between us, I legitimately thought everything was fine. I try to be a very communicative person, so i talk about issues when they come up, and encourage them to do the same.

they showed up on my doorstep at 10:30 at night and asked me to come outside. Assuming we were going to be driving around and hanging out, i grabbed my things and happily skipped out to their car where they were waiting for me, and proceeded to say,

“I don’t know how to put this in a better way than this. I don’t think we work. I don’t want to be friends anymore.”

To say i was completely shell shocked would have been an understatement. I didn’t even know we had issues. We had been inseparable for six years, and even planned to move in together. At first i briefly thought they were joking, but when i realized they weren’t i turned around and walked back inside. I knew it would have been best for me not to continue to conversation in person. They hate being screamed at, and i knew i wasn’t going to be capable of not raising my voice in that moment as they gave me no warning of this situation, and no time to process. So, i simply turned around and went back inside. They texted me a few minutes later saying that they hated it had to be this way, but they needed to grow as a person.

Naturally, i have no issue with needing to personally grow, but i felt i had no understanding of the situation, so i asked them why and why i might have done to bring this on. They said that they constantly feel ashamed around me, and that they couldn’t be themselves around me. I was confused, and quickly let them know that i have always encouraged them to be the person they want to be around me, and to not hide themselves. However, they said they couldn’t.

They said that they make me uncomfortable, and that they scare me. Naturally, as this wasn’t true, i asked them where they got this notion, seeing as i had never said such a thing to them. They said they could tell from my body language, which i found to be ridiculous. I told them it was unfair of them to assume how i feel about them without even asking me, and that if i was upset with them i would have told them. They said,

“You don’t have to say anything.” Your body language says enough.

They than proceeded to say that we were different people, coming from different backgrounds, and that made us incompatible. I asked them what they meant, and they told me

“You have more opportunities than I do, and always will, and you're comfortable with that, again, that is okay.

You can have a decent paying job in a church, spend money on coffee and dirt cheap earrings online, and repress yourself around people you're afraid of, and my experience in the world is entirely different.”

This message completely confused me, as 1.) i don’t believe the opportunities a person has should define them as a person, and i certainly never flaunted mine. I’m in college, yes, and i have a decent paying job… but never have i rubbed that in anyone’s face, in fact i try to do the exact opposite. I felt icky about the way they commented on how i spend my money… as it never effected them, and i didn’t like the light that they were painting me in.

Not to mention, they seemed to be calling attention to the fact that i wasn’t out yet with my family (I’m bisexual.) when they brought up me repressing myself. In the time I’m in right now, this is a non-negotiable for me, as my family is intensely homophobic and would have disowned me if i came out. My ex best friend has always been more radical than me in a lot of view points, and i hate the thought that they may have demonized my fear of my life falling apart around me.

Naturally, after reading this message, i accused them of calling me shallow. They said they weren’t accusing me of anything, but i believe there’s no denying the object accusations and rude phrasing of the message that they had sent.

The conversation went on for some time, with me desperately attempting to understand what was going on, before finally i grew angry.

I told them it was unfair, no matter what their reasoning was, that they handled it this way.

They said it was fine because it was a selfish decision they were making for their own betterment and mental health.

I understand this- but none the less, i feel the way they handled it was wrong.

I told them that they should have given me some warning or time to prepare for this serious conversation, but they claimed that there was no way they could have prepared me for it. I told them it was unfair of them to expect a calm reaction out of me when they literally ripped the rug out from under me and cornered me into a volatile response. They told others that my emotional reaction to all of this was me ‘attempting to manipulate them.’…. I genuinely can’t figure out if this is true or not. I believe manipulation implies i had something to gain… but i didn’t- i just- didn’t understand anything, and i was angry and hurt and i wanted them to know that how they had handled this was wrong.

They told others that my reaction was extremely emotionally immature… and i just- don’t understand anything anymore.

Following they interaction, i went to my two other closest friends. I needed my support system. I was scared and alone. I didn’t try to manipulate the situation into something it wasn’t. I didn’t want that. I wanted objective opinions. I offered the situation in its full, explaining it and showing all the screenshots, asking for opinions and advice.

One of these people happened to be my ex best friends partner…. But they were my best friend as well. We were a trio, always going to each other. This is where the situation gets messy. Maybe i shouldn’t have gone to him- but he was also my best friend… i was equally as close with him as i was my other best friend. I called him in tears, showing him all the screenshots and telling him i didn’t know what to do. I specifically told him he didn’t have to choose sides, and i didn’t want that… but i did express my fear that he would stop being my friend too. I didn’t want him to choose sides, i didn’t care if he remained with my ex best friend. I just didn’t want to lose him too.

He read through the messages, and was so horrified by my ex-best friends behavior that he felt as though he couldn’t trust them anymore. He said it was like seeing a different side of them. I didn’t say or do anything, he came to his own conclusions after looking at the situation, and he even told me he has his own issues with them separately from my situation. I still repeatedly have reminded him that he doesn’t have to make any rash decisions just to defend me, and he says he knows that… but it’s his personal stuff as well. He took a break from my ex-best friend.

As of recent, my ex-best friend has been telling others that i am manipulative, and that i am rallying people against them. They’ve aired out my personal information to others… people i go to school with. Though they didn’t give names, everyone they are talking to knows our friend group very intimately. These people know exactly who they are talking about.

They have told people I’m a narcissist because my parents are too… they’ve said “they feel bad for me” for responding the way i did, because I’m ‘traumatized’, so of course my reactions would be emotionally immature. They’ve accused me of jumping to conclusions… they haven’t given the whole story to these people. They’ve only shown one screenshot towards the end of our argument where i finally snapped and said ‘fuck you’. They showed nothing that lead up to it… only me in my worst moment and not what they said to cause it.

And they’ve accused me of rallying the people around them against them. This is in now way the case… but even if was doing it on accident… (which i don’t think I’m doing.)

It would only be two people… one of which is my close friend and their acquaintance…. It’s almost as if they don’t want me to ask for support to anyone about this… but i feel as though I’ve been made into a terrible villain, even after reaching out a few days later and apologizing for getting so emotional. I told them i never wanted them to feel like they couldn’t be themselves around me, but they never communicated that so how would i have known? Even still… i apologized, but told them it wasn’t fair how they sprung it on me and asked them to maybe try to understand my reaction. They excused that by saying that they only had half a week of preparation… which doesn’t seem fair seeing as i only got 10 seconds.

Too long didn’t read: my best friend showed up at my house at 10:30 at night and dropped me, accused me of things (maybe?? I’m not even sure anymore??) and then accused me of manipulatively rallying people against them when i reached out to my two closest friends for support- when they’ve been doing the exact same thing.

Am i the asshole?

Please be honest here- i don’t need pity. I need truth. I’m lost and confused and I’ve never been more angry and hurt than i am right now and i don’t understand what the fuck is going on-.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[bae04xx]

Omg would you write a yandere tsukasa x reader please

i’m actually bare sorry i never check tumblr and when i saw this i was sooo excited so i hope you like it xx

this has not been proof read and i cba sorry

as the winter closed in, there was a chilling presence in the air. i stepped back into the school, noticing the frost that had settled gently against the glass panes of the windows, i tugged my woollen hat down my head further in order to keep the heat in. while strolling through the barren halls i took notice of the oddly quiet atmosphere, sure it had been an hour or so since school ended but usually i could hear some clubs closing up, or at least hanako and yashiro. i made a mental notice of the abnormality, but continued my way to the broadcasting room.

i wonder to myself if i took too long, i had tried to be on time, considering i had to be finished with my homework in an hour- despite being forced to deal with a whole weeks worth in such a small amount of time i was expected to do it all. thanks to tsukasa. according to him if i spaced it out evenly i did it in small parts every day that was “too much time wasted that i could be spent with him” although he’s happy with putting my education on the line…

well at least that’s the only thing he’s endangering- id it were up to him i’d be 6 feet under, my ghost being tormented by his antics constantly.

but like i was going allow that, i’d been firm with him since the day i met him, no matter what happens between us- i am not bound to him and i am not dying for him. sure i loved him..

i loved him more than anything. even if i acted like i hated him, and he got on my nerves like mad, and he was a terrible person, i still loved him. and he loved me. he made it very obvious what he wanted out of me- for me to belong to him. tsukasa was very possessive, especially if he owned an object, but even if it wasn’t his- he would do anything to keep it. and that’s what i hated, i am not an object and i am not something to be kept, or protected; i don’t belong to anyone! his whole ideology goes against everything i stand for, but he just doesn’t listen.

it’s constant affection, constant attention, constant interrogations, he has to know where i am, what i’m doing, who i’m with always. but i’m not a child, fucks sake i am my own person. yet he’s always going on at me how i need to be bound to him, he’ll give me whatever i want as long as i belong to him, he can kill me and we’ll be together forever, i’ll be his princess. but i want to live. i want to make a life for myself, make my family proud, have my own family one day. but yet i love him with every atom in my being..

gosh life is confusing, why can’t it just be simple? i doubt anyone else has these problems.

i stopped dead in my tracks, as i heard hanako’s boyish laugh, my eyebrows knitted as i realised i missed the last flight of stairs, too absorbed in my own thoughts.

“y/n? what’re you doing down here?” i heard him call over from the toilets, of he knew i was here.

“y/n? hey!” yashiro rushed towards me and brought me into a soft hug, she was very warm, the complete opposite to my shivering form.

“hanako- she’s freezing!”

“what’re you doing here? aren’t you meant to be with tsukasa already?” he questioned, ignoring yashiro’s worries in order for his question to be answered.

“i’m fine,” i sighed, “i’m not meant to be anywhere, we aren’t bound.” i stated calmly as he chuckled.

“aren’t bound but you’re wrapped around his finger aren’t you?” he said, his cheeky smile adorning his face.

i huffed, preparing myself reply to his quip before i was interrupted by a cold, ghostly figuring wrapping itself around my back.

“y/n! what’re you doing here? you were meant to be in the broadcasting room ages ago!” he whined in my ear, his grip around my waist tightening, his sinister grip on my contrasted against his childish words.

“amane! i see you found y/n!” his face brightened as he saw his brother, while hanako stood his ground, yet uncomfortably. yashiro backed away from me towards him.

“she found me, i’m guessing looking for you,” he said coldly, as tsukasa craned his neck.

“well she was going the wrong way! c’mon y/n, i’ve got some much stuff to show you!” he smiled, grabbing my hand and leading the way, i sent a weary glance to yashiro, who just stood still, unsure of what to do.

…

“why were you there.” there was a bite in this voice, it was just me and him in the far part of the room, closed off from the 2 other members.

“i don’t know, i was just wondering and was thinking about some… stuff and didn’t even have where i was going on my mind,” i spoke softly, noticing his tense tone and his blank face- he exhibited no emotion.

“i’m not looking for excuses.” he spoke, his dark eyes barring holes into my e/c ones.

“i was on my way to you tsukasa, i promise,” i tried to reason with him, evidently hating the atmosphere.

“when how did you get there y/n, how did to get to amane when you were on your way to the basement?”

“i.. don’t know. i’m just stressed, ok? i’ve got a lot on my mind right now,” i was so close to giving up, walking out of this stupid club and going home to get the first good nights sleep i would get in months. he has me constantly cooped up here until the late evenings. just because he “can’t dread the afterlife with out me.”

“you’re not going home anymore.” he stated, his face still unchanged as mine blew up before him.

“i need to do my homework- my parents will kill me tsukasa! i can’t do this to myself, i need to finish my studies, i can’t always be here with you! my education matters, i put up with you all in my face while i am meant to be learning, set aside my home work to be with you, walk home in the dark all on my own and get god knows how many hours of sleep all for you!” i screamed, i was tired, and the bags under my eyes said that for me. just as i stood up to leave and turned my back on him, he grabbed me from behind.

“you won’t have to worry about any of that anymore, now be a good girl and sit back down for me,” i heard him whisper in my ear, as i tried to break out of his grip i left something sharp and cold appear next to my neck.

he had a knife against my throat.

“now are you going to listen to me?” he grinned.

i silently sat opposite to him, as we had been previously, he could feel the fear aching off me, he was basking in this work, his face staring lovingly yet proudly at my trembling body.

“you really should’ve told me this sooner,” he sighed, playing with the silver knife, spinning it between his fingers.

i said nothing, unsure of what would be the right response.

“are you gonna reply or just sit there shaking like a leaf?” he giggled, before he patted his lap, indicating for me to sit.

i slowly get steadily sat on his lap, as he cuddled into me, taking a deep breathe from his noise while his hands were feeling every inch of me.

“i’m going to miss you being so warm,” he said to himself, i shiver went down my spine.

“what.. do you mean?” my voice was so quiet, i couldn’t manage to speak above a whisper’s volume.

“i’m doing you a favour, i’m going to take away all these bad feelings from my baby, how does that sound?” he teased me with his fingers, sensually moving them against my thighs, i melted into his touch.

“yeah.. that sounds good,”

“so, you want me to take all these bad feelings away from you? no matter what the consequences are?”

“mhm..” i mumbled, too tired and my feelings being all over the place to speak.

“i’m gonna need a yes y/n,” he chuckled.

“yes tsukasa,” i said wearily, before i felt it.

his knife went through my heart, i sprung up as a i felt an animalistic scream emerge from my throat. as the blood spewed out of my i felt my lover’s chest rising to the beat of his uncontrollable laughter. i watched as he floated above me, his hands gripping my cheeks as he giggled and stared at his masterpiece, i felt my body dying and the blood rushing around me- only to leave me. my eyes slowly started drooping, until all i saw was black, and i felt myself slip away, finally at peace.

“y/n! you’re finally awake! gosh, you couldn’t of taken longer, could ya?”

“wh-what’s going on? i thought i was dead..”

“sakura! she’s awake! y/n is finally awake!”

“very nice tsukasa.”

“you’re finally mine, all mine. we can be together forever now!” he giggled, before planting a kiss on my forehead.

#fanfic #x reader #tbhk x reader #requests #requests are open #yandere tbhk #tbhk #tbhk hanako #toilet bound hanako kun #yandere tsukasa yugi #tsukasa yugi #yandere tsukasa x reader #tsukasa yugi x reader #tbhk yashiro #yandere #yandere x reader

[if-you-feel-lonely]

hi love! i am a fellow jack manifold enjoyer and there's like no content for him (😭) is there any way you could write friends to lovers hcs for him? like about the friendship and how cc!jack fell for reader and all that (im a sucker for friends to lovers and also for jack manifold). maybe they stream together sometimes and all that?

FELLOW MANIFOLD ENJOYER 🛐🛐🛐🛐

there really isn't a lot of content for our beloved bald man </3 but on the up side, today I've been stressing myself out a lot and this is helping me calm down :D

TW: Swearing

I got a bit excited :,D

Friends To Lovers with Jack Manifold

You met when you both started streaming, becoming friends due to you both being small content creators

You guys just... clicked. like when you meet a new person that you can talk to like you've known each other for years

When he blew up, you started doing quite well, too

It became an unspoken thing between you guys to shamelessly promote each other's channels

Chat loves it, your friendship is superior

It took a while for him to come to terms with his feelings

For a while he told himself "no, they're just a really good friend" "no, we're just close"

Bullshit :D

He hated that he had these feelings. He loved your friendship and couldn't stand the thought of messing that up

After he realised, things became different

If you lived nearby, you guys would probably go on walks together, bc going on walks with the homies hits different

Before, it was quiet, but comfortable quiet

But now? It was awkward, like you were strangers

After a while, you started picking up on it, so you confronted him.

"Right, if there's something wrong, just say it. I'm not going to sit here and look at you moping all the time. If you don't want to spend this much time together, just come out and say it."

It kind of unravelled from there...

He told you everything about how he didn't want to mess up your friendship or make you uncomfortable

Poor man went :0 when you told him you feel the same way

"*insert shocked pikachu face*"

Not many people notice the difference in your relationship, you both act just as you did before

Tommy goes 🤨📸 when he sees you kiss

"OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE YOU GUYS ARE DATING." "we are." "... what? 😰"

What a fool

Niki thinks your relationship is adorable

Tommy is absolutely disgusted by the very prospect of two of his best friends dating

Wilbur is obviously happy for you both, but makes jokes about Jack paying you to date him

Whilst in vc with Phil, Jack constantly says things like "Phil, me and Y/N are like you and your wife, but better because we're not old"

Definitely involved in Quackity's couple's therapy

By the end of that, you two could hear each other through the walls in the house

"YOU LOVE MY BALDNESS." "JACK, I CAN HEAR YOU WITHOUT MY HEADPHONES." "DIDN'T ASK."

... Yeah.

MCC is always a thrill

If you're against each other, it's ridiculously competitive

In Dodgebolt, if he kills you, all you can hear on his stream is "JACK, I WANT TO BREAK UP."

MCC on the same team is even worse, though.

"Oh my god, you're so fucking incompetent." "No more than you, I've seen you trying to cook, dickhead."

If you're on the Dream SMP, things are deep

You both fought for L'manberg but went unrecognised

From there, your relationship became a canon part of the lore

It also became lore that it's not a good relationship - your characters fight and shout at each other a lot

It's made explicitly clear that this isn't a reflection of your real relationship - you shout at each other, but it's from across the house asking what you want for dinner or if you feel like going to the park

The majority of the lore between the two of you is angsty as FUCK

Chat rlly says "how dare you, i love it"

On stream, he tries not to be too touchy or affectionate

He thinks people will be invasive or intrusive into your relationship, so he keeps it all off camera

Off stream though? Perfect man.

You two sit on the living room floor with blankets and cushions all over the room, chilling and watching whatever's on TV

At Christmas, you watch all the shit-but-good christmas films

Occasionally, when Josh or Tommy come round, they take pictures of you two, usually captioned something like "disgusting." or "guys they're making me uncomfortable with their love"

All in all, bald man is boyfriend material

#dsmp #mcyt #dream smp #dsmp x reader #mcyt x reader #dream smp x reader #jack manifold #jack manifold x reader #mcyt jack manifold #dsmp jack manifold #dream smp jack manifold #cc!jack manifold x reader #cc!jack manifold #jack manifold hcs #dsmp headcanons #mcyt headcanons #dream smp headcanons #lonely writes #lonely asks

[golemthegolem]

acotar rant cause I am fucking done with Rhys stans

Okay so first off, everyone is entitled to there own opinions, and if you disagree with me that’s fine.

Second this rant has trigger warnings for SA 

I just finished reading ACOSF and it made me go a bit feral. I’ve always hated Rhysand and this book just made it so clear to me that he is abusive and controlling. I get that he’s is hot and also, no wait, being hot is his only positive trait. It just felt so wrong that a so called feminist told us that Rhysand’s SA of Feyre was ok because ‘he had to’ or ‘he felt really bad about it’. Obviously SA is never for the right reasons. Anyway back to ACOSF. 

So first and foremost, the villianising of Nesta. As someone who really struggles with mental health, I loved and empathised with Nesta. But to watch her be insulted, used and taken advantage of by her so called family was really upsetting to me. I acknowledge that Nesta was rude, and at times cruel, but that didn’t mean she deserved what she got in ACOSF. People are really out there saying the house of wind wasn’t a prison when Feyre threatened to have Nesta TIED UP AND DRAGGED there, after she had just been kidnapped and traumatised by Hybern. 

Nesta was slut shamed in ACOSF. I know that her having sex was a coping mechanism, but having her family constantly making fun of her for it rather than really helping just kind of made me uncomfortable. Like it is mentioned in the books that after their first battle all of the bat boys had a six month sized gap in their memory where they were supposedly drinking and sleeping around. The double standards are INSANE. 

Cassian was also abusive towards Nesta in ACOSF. Yes she was rude to him, but he constantly pushed her boundaries by calling her names she said she was uncomfortable with, asking for consent in a very questionable way, and having sex with her when he knew it was unhealthy/a coping mechanism for her. When Nesta was finally vulnerable with him, he threw it in her face, asking why he had been ‘shackled to her’. Then she gave up everything just to be able to carry his child and was finally accepted, and then went to happily live in the house that she could only leave if Cassian permitted, like WHAT.

Also I think that a very important scene to bring to light is the scene where Nesta falls down the stairs. It’s just casually mentioned that Azriel thought Cassian could have pushed Nesta down the stairs, in this book. For someone who cared so much about how feminist and supportive the bat boys are, SJM was just like ‘yeah I mean Azriel thought Cassian could have pushed Nesta down the stairs but he didn’t so it’s fine.

Also, I have seen this mentioned a lot but when Tamlin locked Feyre in a house, he was being controlling, and when Rhys locked Nesta in a house and then literally threatened to KILL her, he is just protecting Feyre. I think with the locking in the house thing, for both Tamlin and Rhys, in the best case scenario it was a misguided attempt to protect Feyre, and in the worst case, a power play to control vulnerable women. Although Rhys claimed he was ‘helping Nesta heal’ it was mentioned that he smirked as she was told everything, like he was enjoying her discomfort. Overall I think that this book felt with themes of trauma and abuse very poorly, but I wouldn’t expect anything more from Sarah. It was basically faerie porn with very bad plot.

Anyway please correct me if any of this is wrong, as I can’t bring myself to re read the acotar series 

#anti rhysand #anti cassian

[deartouya]

THE NIGHT WE MET — IZUKU MIDORIYA

★ ˛˚ . little mermaid themes, after nearly drowning and being saved by… something, you’re met face to face with your home towns legends, sending your relaxed summer break taking care of your uncle spiraling.

★ pairing: mermaid!deku x marine science student!gn!reader

★ word count: 8.2k

★ content: fluff, modern fantasy?? au, reader is in college/studying marine biology (only briefly mentioned), bestie bkg, reader is from a fishing village, swearing, mild mention of injuries, semi-graphic drowning, mentions of hospitals, eating/food mentions, fruit as a love language.

i realized when writing some of the bestie bakugou parts that i was… showing my bias just a bit :’) so to remedy it i wrote myself in as his off screen partner :) this is the first part of right below the surface mermaid series !!

YOU WERE NEVER SUPPOSED TO COME BACK HERE. You always hated this place — it was small and even when you were a child, it was dying — and you quickly find nothing at all has changed. Everything's standing still — stagnant. You hate it. You feared getting stuck, it's why you clawed so hard to get away, being just as stagnant as the rest. You'd promised yourself. You told yourself you'd graduate, get into a good college, and never look back.

But you've always been bad at keeping your promises. And when your uncle broke his leg falling off his fishing boat, forcing him to be house ridden and work less, you couldn't say no.

And so here you are, nestled in overheated sand and letting the same water you spent your whole life resenting lap at the soles of your feet. That fear, the creeping feeling of stagnation—of never being better—haunted you. The idea of standing still terrified you, watching the world grow while you were stuck in your tiny, unchanging hometown.

Though, even then, you can't help but melt in the familiarity.

"You're gonna have a damn heatstroke if you spend the whole day holed up on the rocks."

“Awww, it’s almost like you care about me,” you have to squint up at him, hand a poor shield from the sun. Bakugou scoffs, trapping the notebook he was holding against the back of your head.

“You fuckin’ wish. Just don’t wanna have to haul your ass to the doctor when you pass out in the sand. And I need you to help me run some errands.”

You groan, flopping boneless against the sand, “why me?” He doesn’t entertain the whine, pulling you up by your wrists. “Can’t you get one of your idiot friends to help you?”

“I am getting one of my ‘idiot friends’ to help me- you, dumbass.” You try your best to act as dead weight behind him, dragging your feet through the sand, “and they're errands for your uncle so you're lucky I'm doing them at all. Should make you run the boat while he’s holed up.” 

“You know he hates it as much as you do, Katsuki. He’s been driving me crazy trying to take care of himself.” He’d always been that way. Stubborn. Your mother used to tell you that you reminded her of him. It didn’t feel like a compliment. 

Katsuki looks back at you, fingers loosening around your wrist, like he knows what you're thinking. “Trust me, I know how stubborn that bastard can be,” his arm is hooked around your neck to drag you into step next to him, “we’re buttin’ heads constantly.”

You flail a bit in surprise before teeth sink into the juncture of his arm and he lets you go with an affronted gasp, “you fuckin’ gremlin.” Bakugou rubs at the indents roughly, “thought the city was supposed to civilize ya.”

The walk into town is longer than you remember, but maybe you just forgot how expansive the town really was. Katsuki was right, it’s uncomfortably hot, air thick and sticky — it feels like every breath takes effort. It gets worse the closer to town you get, the smell of iron and gasoline pressing down on you. The dock is empty, most boats already out for the day, but the smell lingers.  

Main street is busy, as busy as the town can get, and you can already hear the cheesy nautical music being played in the little tourist shops. You always found it funny just how many there were. Little brightly coloured shops filled with novelty plates and mermaid-themed mugs and shirts. When you were little you’d always buy something absurd for your uncle, a windchime carved like a giant crab or a snowglobe whose red glitter looked morbidly like blood. He always kept them.

There’s only one grocer on the island, boxed in by countless fishing supply stores and boat shop repairs. It’s always been so overcrowded you were tempted to start up a rival just so you could get your strawberries without shoulder checking a grandmother. 

“Gotta stop by the boat shop before we head back,” Katsuki says, nudging you with an elbow, “yer uncle’s needs a new cleat.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” 

He rolls his eyes, pushing the door to the grocery open for you. It’s oddly empty, with no one but the distant sounds of shuffling in the back and a very sunburnt teen closely reading the back of a cereal box.

The shops are rather unchanged, sole for a couple of aisles of sugary cereals and chips, you find it easy to navigate the crates of fruits, “he give you a list?”

“Nah- here for pickup.” Katsuki’s moved to the front, flicking the little bell on the counter, “always buys the same shit anyways.”

The shopkeep, a grinning mess of familiar dark hair, pokes himself from the back. Kirishima’s stayed the same, too, you think. The same horrible cut-off novelty Hawaiian shirt he wore during summer breaks and strong arms, hoisting the heavy crate of plums easily.

“Hey!” You can’t help the smile that spreads across your face when you step up beside Bakugou. He gasps audibly, quickly moving around the counter to yank you into a hug, “I forgot you were supposed to be back today!” 

He pulls away, still gripping your forearms, to do a once over. 

“Kiri, it’s nice to see you again.” And it is.

“I’ll say- feels like you’ve been gone a decade.” A very apparent thought crosses his face, an audible little oh escaping him as he grips you tighter, “you should come to the bonfire with us tomorrow morning!”

You huff a laugh at the enthusiasm, “us?”

“Yeah! Mina, Denki, and hopefully Bakugou planned on going out to look for shells and teeth! It’s supposed to storm tonight, perfect weather!"

It’s sweet that they’ve kept up with that — combing the beach in a futile effort to find whole shark teeth or the decorative shells tourists seem to always leave with. You used to do it for the grocery store, back when Mina’s grandma owned it, and she’d string up the little shells and pieces of sea glass found into windchimes or bracelets. 

Katsuki lets out an exaggerated groan, head tossed back, “Kirishima. The groceries?”

“Oh! Right.” Kiri ducks behind the counter and rummages around before remerging with two packed paper bags of meats and vegetables. You can see the tops of a celery stalk leaned against the little homemade cookies your uncle likes so much. When Katsuki reaches for the handles Kirishima pulls them back, “you are coming, too, right?”

“I really don’t have the patience for this right now,” his snarl doesn’t seem to phase Kiri, though, who continues to slide the bags out of his reach.

“Katsuki!” He whines, lip pulling into an exaggerated pout, “please come?” Kirishima looks pointedly at you, his little way of making you feel included, and grins, “you can come too! It’ll be like back in the day!” 

He groans, scrubbing at his face roughly, “I don’t know, ‘t’s date night, y’know.” You huff a quiet little laugh, it’s nice to know Katsuki hasn’t learned how to lie since you’ve been gone.

“Date night is on Wednesdays, which means you’re free! So you’ll come, right?” Kirishima leans onto the counter, resting his chin in hand, “unless you want me to ask them? I’m sure she can give me a straight answer.”

“No- don’t! Don’t fuckin’ threaten me with that. Fine, I’ll go. But I’m home by 12.” Kirishima beams, sliding over the prior hostage groceries before turning back to you.

It’s cute how well Kirishima’s threat worked on him. But the closeness sends a little pang of hurt through you. They know each other. Now that you’re back, faced with the lives that moved on without you, you regret never settling. Even if it was just a little: trying to date or befriending more than the people you’d known since birth. Anything but burying yourself in jobs and school and breaking up with the only boyfriend you’d had so you could finally get out. Maybe then you wouldn’t be so… alien in your hometown.

“You too, right?” You’re startled by the attention, meeting Kirishima’s earnest eyes. “You’ll come?”

“Of course!” It’d be a lie to say you didn’t want the company. Or that you’d missed them after you’d left. “You know I love shore hunting.”

“Great!” He beams, revealing a third bag of groceries for you to carry, “Bakugou can give you a ride and everything! Mina will be thrilled to see you again — Denki, too.”

He flashes one last smile before disappearing back behind the shop's little door, avoiding Katsuki’s pointed hey! and leaving you to follow a fuming Bakugou to the boat shop across the street.

Maybe it’d be nice to see everyone again .

“You’re a lot of fuckin’ help, y’know,” Katsuki grunts from the hull, struggling to haul the metal cage over the side of the boat. It hits the water a moment later, sinking below the choppy waves. “I’m so glad I brought you along.”

You snort, head lolling against your shoulder so you can grin at him, “awww, you knew what you were getting into. You’re the one who said it was ‘my damn uncle’s boat’ and I needed to ‘get off my ass’,” his eyes narrow at the impersonation. “Even though, technically, I came to sit on my ass and watch my uncle’s leg heal. Not to run his crab traps.”

It was his job, technically. You'd started going with him to check the traps after your uncle got better at using his crutches. You hated to admit that it was nice to be doing something other than reading old boat manuals and eating the shrimp chips your uncle bought in bulk.

He grumbles, tossing the ropes back to the boat’s deck before making his way to the helm. You had five more traps to set before the storm moved in, stirrs up the smell of the bait and the water stays warm. 

But the skies are darker than they should be. The rain wasn’t supposed to start until noon, and the wind wasn’t supposed to pick up until hours later. You had time, but you still found yourself worrying.

“Are you sure we should be out here? Why can’t the traps wait until after the storm,” you grumble, tucking your hands underneath your arms. Katsuki glares at you from where he’s steering and you can hear your uncle’s rant pooling on his tongue.

“Stop fuckin’ complain’,” he barks, tossing another rope onto the hull, “not even makin’ you do shit and you still find something to complain about.”

You huff, sitting up to glance over the edge of the boat. The water’s dark and choppy, waves slapping against the metal and hissing. Bakugou drops another cage, sending more waves against the boat's side.

The cage sinks slowly, pushing against the current as it disappears into the dark. There’s another splash in front of you, louder than the cage, and you jerk upright. Katsuki shouldn’t have dropped another trap already and it sounded too far away. 

You pull yourself up, leaning against the rails as you search the churning waves. There’s nothing, any ripple from the movement hidden in the vicious waves caused by the storm. 

It’s raining now, your boots squeaking against the metal floor as you chase the noise. There’s a flash of color—green, the green you’d seen on the beach—and you lean to see more. 

“What’re you doin’ dumbass? Get away from the sides!” Katsuki drops the rope he was holding, gripping the railing, “gonna get yourself swept over.”

You ignore him, heart beating out of your chest as you see another flash of fins, “did you-” lightning cracks over you, and you feel the boat start to tip with the waves. It happens so quick, a wave beats against the side and spills over. Your feet, already slipping on the slick metal, are swept out from under you. 

You’re too shocked to react, hands clawing at the railing but too slick to get traction as the waves drag you back. The water’s cold, shocking a gasp out as you're pushed under—even though you tell yourself you shouldn’t- that you know how to handle this. 

But you don’t. You’ve never drowned and the tightness in your lungs feels ready to burst, your head hits the ground again and your ears begin to ring. You can feel yourself being pushed further to sea by the currents, further away from the boat. 

Something moves above you, quick and shadowed and for a moment you think you’ve seen a shark, of all times, but it looks too big. Your vision darkens, blurred green as you feel your hands, too cold, press into your sides, something rough wrap around a leg. Eyes find yours, more green swimming against pale color and the hands start to yank, pulling you up through the water. 

You want to see more, to figure out what has you — who saved you, but your vision finally darks, ringing worsening.

You're thirsty when you wake up.

They must have the window open, the saltiness of the air sheening your skin. The room’s silent when you wake up, deathly quiet. As if everyone had established an understood quiet game once you’d been situated into a bed. Your uncle is next to you, propped awkwardly in a chair and gripping at your hand.

Katsuki is behind him, leaned against the wall holding a box with a bow, one that looks suspiciously unlike anything he’d do. He’s the first to notice, straightening in his seat and nudging Kirisihma awake, with much more force than necessary — nearly pushing him from his chair, before moving to the bedside.

“You’re awake,” your uncle sounds out of breath, like he’d spent the entire morning pacing the floor. You wouldn’t have been surprised. Normally, you’d laugh at the observation — obvious — but your throat still aches and breathing hurts.

His palm finds your back when you sit up, coughs raking your lungs. It’s comforting, even if it does little to help, and you find yourself curling in on yourself. “You’re okay, everyone’s okay.”  

Your hands fist into the back of his sweater, soft and loosely knitted. The iv aches at the movement and you finally look down at yourself. The skin of your arms seems greyer, as if the water had sucked the very warmth from you, and dry. 

You recognize the hospital, you think, from the view. It’s a tiny little clinic downtown which can house a max ten patients at once. The room itself doesn’t feel much like a clinic, walls painted a warm green and gauzy curtains blowing over the opened window. Even the bedding, though spread over your usual hospital bed, comprises soft sheets topped with a worn patchwork quilt. It feels like you’ve fallen asleep on a friend's couch. 

“Uh, I brought you flowers,” Kirishima was standing, now, though he looked incredibly out of place. He was wearing another cut off Hawaiian shirt, this time covered in pink and purple turtles, cradling a wilting bouquet of asters like a newborn. “It’s, uh,” he’s shuffling slightly as he stares down at the blooms, “they’re not really in season.”

You laugh a little, despite yourself, which he seems to take great pride in. Your uncle takes the bouquet from him and lets you dunk them in the little pitcher by your bed. “Thank you, Kiri. I love them.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.”

The little bit of laughter dies with the words. It’s as if something cold has slipped down your spine — you almost died. It’s a grim thought and your shoulders tighten at the memory.

You could’ve died.

Katsuki hasn’t looked at you yet, eyes locked on the little wrapped box in his hands. He rubs a thumb over the corner once more before finally handing it to you, “it’s, uh, brownies. I didn’t make ‘em but they’re still pretty good, I guess.”

That’s high praise, you think and if it didn’t hurt so much you’d laugh. “Tell them thank you, then.” He nods slightly, still picking at the beds of his nail. And you know what he’s thinking.

“Can I — uh, why don’t you and Kiri get me a new thing of water?” Both of them understand, you think, glancing between you and Katsuki, “since I’ve used mine as a vase.”

Katsuki doesn’t look at you until they’re gone, eyes red-rimmed and glossy, “real subtle, dumbass.” 

“I wasn’t trying to be subtle.”

It’s quiet. Not that you expected him to talk first, but you’re still a little annoyed that he’s making you strain your throat this much, “Katsuki — ”

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” He’s staring at the floor again, voice so quiet you’re almost sure you missed it, “why? It’s not your fault.”

Bakugou stands suddenly, pushing himself from the rickety lawn chair, and you can see his jaw clench. “I was the one who made you come with me. I could have done it alone — I could have set those damn traps without you. But I made you come.”

“You didn’t make me do anything, Katsuki. And if I hadn’t gone, it could’ve been you that got swept off and then what? Who would’ve been able to get you out?” That was half the reason you’d gone to begin with. You never liked when your uncle went out by himself, let alone a less experienced sailor. “The storm came in quicker than it was supposed to, the sea got rougher than we expected. It’s not your fault, Katsuki, you can’t control the weather.”

He huffs, lifting a hand to scrub through his hair, and you realize you’ve won. 

“Now, I do expect ice cream. And I don’t expect to pay for it.”

Katsuki barks a little laugh, “fine. But ya gotta promise not to try and drown yourself anymore.”

You hate that you need looking after, now. It’s minimal, really, considering you nearly died. But you were supposed to be looking after your uncle. Supposed to be making his recovery easier, not sitting on his couch with an icepack tucked against your ribs and earning sympathetic glances whenever he hobbled by the living room.

You hated it. You understood your resemblance, now. 

Even though you’ve been cleared, now, your head still aches and your lungs sting with every intake of breath. It’s miserable, feeling so helpless. 

The walk to the beach is easy, second nature by now, and you let your feet drag through the sand. The little rock path to the cove isn’t covered, letting the full force of the sun beat down on your neck and you can feel yourself already sweating. The glossy cover of the hardback book you brought along sticks to the underside of your arm and the oranges you’d picked up the week before were already sweating.

Summer hasn’t quite taken over the town, yet. Still too early to be peak tourist season but you can’t help thinking the beach does look a little picturesque — like something you’d see on a cheap motel postcard. 

Finding a tree nestled between the rocks, you settle into the plushness of towels and cool sand. The ocean’s slow today, waves lapping against the rocks and pulling at the shore.

This is what your summer break was supposed to be — easy, slow, boring. You were supposed to be able to lounge on the warm sand you hate, read your novel, one about runaway lovers, and peel your oversized oranges Kiri’d made you take.

It’s odd to hear the ocean be natural background noise. You’d been so used to hearing it over a speaker, distorted, then the easy hiss of waves crashing melts comfortably against your skin. 

The sound nearly lulls you to sleep, head lolling to rest against the tree's smooth trunk, until you hear a splash — heavy and loud and too close.

You sit up, a book falling from your lap, and see a flash of green — a fish? But it sounded large, larger than anything should be so close to the rocks. Pompano’s are green, but those are deepwater game fish and they weren’t that big.

You’re beginning to wish you’d stayed on the mainland and hadn’t ventured out into the cove. You eye the place where the shores connect, now totally submerged by the tide. Dumb.

“Maybe it’s friendly,” you don’t sound convinced, “most fish are skittish, anyways.” 

And so you let yourself relax, settling back against the sand. You can’t keep fearing the ocean, you’ve built your whole future around the sea and you can’t let it be ripped away now. 

You're not sure why the noise — a soft little blurb, like a buoy had surfaced quietly, made you look up but it did. At first you see only seaweed — dark green and soft floating amongst the waves — but then you recognize bright eyes and damp curls, clinging to sun-kissed cheeks and nose bridge. 

“Hey,” the word comes out fumbled, unsure and a little dumb. You don’t remember anyone being out here or seeing a pile of someone’s belongings on your walk over. So… where did he come from? “I -”

Whatever you were planning on saying frizzles up and dies in your throat when you see it, a tail — at least five feet, maybe more, long curls over the water. It’s the same green you’d seen, paler than his hair but richer than any fish you’d ever seen. The fins, spindly stalks ending in a wide lobe, remind you of a glauert's seadragon. 

You scuttle back a step when he moves further out of the water, pulling up onto one of the exposed rocks. “I’m glad you’re okay,” his voice is softer than you’d expected and he looks incredibly non-threatening with his chin perched on his own folded arms, “I was worried you’d gotten too deep.” 

“So it was you, then.” His head tilts, and you clarify, “in the water, that pulled me up.”

His tail whips through the water, like he’s pleased, “of course! I was worried, your boat was the only one out on the water.”

You move a little closer, butt-shuffling until the water starts to lap at your skin again. His eyes follow you, zeroing in on everywhere the waves hit before finding your face again. He seems like he’s looking for something, checking for a sign of… something hidden in your expression. 

“So… you’re… a mermaid?” 

He smiles, then, all sunny and dimpled and cheeks rounding up, “yeah! But Izuku’s my name, please.” 

It’s pretty, you think. Suits him. He’s still looking at you, this time brows raised expectantly. You’re about to question it when it hits you, a soft little oh before giving him your own name. 

He smiles again, warmth spreading over the apples of his cheeks, and he tests the name on his tongue. The sound tightens your chest and spreads warmth to the very tips of your fingers. You like it.

His — Izuku’s — brows pinch as he spots something behind you. Looking over your shoulder you notice it. The unpeeled oranges. 

“Oh, are you hungry?”

“Hm, oh! No, I just… I’ve never seen anything that looked like that before,” he lifts himself off his arms and you notice his hands for the first time, dark and short claws curling into the rock. “What’s it taste like?”

You turn, dragging the little knapsack to you and carefully peeling the fruit. Izuku watches you the entire time, wide green eyes rapt. Like he’s never seen something so interesting.

“Here!” Izuku takes the slice delicately with his knuckles, claws tucked into his palm and his nose scrunches cutely.

“It’s… squishy.”

“It’s supposed to be, it’s fruit — most of it’s squishy.” 

When he finally eats it, after some overly thorough sniffing, his eyebrows pinch together. It’s almost humorous how you can see the flurry of emotions which overtake him — disgust, confusion, then interest — before his face softens back out, “I… I like it. I think.”

You snort, which makes his attention snap back to you and his smile returns tenfold. “It’s spicy but like… in a sweet way.” A laugh breaks free before you can stop it. Sour would be better, you think, but you also suppose you don’t know what anything in the ocean tastes like. 

You gasp. He does.

“Wait! You’re a mermaid, right?”

“Uh, yes- yeah, I am.”

It’s like it only just hit you, that you’re only just able to connect the dots, “That’s! Oh my god, what’s it like? The ocean?” You barely give Izuku the time to breathe, “what do you eat? Is there… is there a government? Do you migrate — oh, oh, how deep can you swim?”

Izuku looks startled, completely lifted off his arms and staring at you with parted lips, “I… it’s warm and incredibly full of life.” You scoot towards him, nodding quickly, “I usually eat fish, stuff that’s already in the ocean. I like crab a lot, which is why I’m usually so close to crabbing boats.” His flush has worsened a little and he’s staring determinedly down at the rock, like he’s reading from a script. “I can’t swim all that deep down, the pressure gets really bad and it’s too cold for me.”

“We have a King, but it’s not really decided by blood, it's just whoever is the most capable!” Izuku’s looking at you know, propped up on his elbows, “which is a really good system, I think! Helps keep corruption out of power and the King right now is so good! You’d love him, I bet. He’s the coolest.” He seems to realize the rambling, but you only urge him to continue, “some of us migrate, but it’s more a personal choice! I had a friend that moved further south last year, but we’re not like turtles or anything.”

“That’s so cool,” you're not really talking to him anymore — voice so quiet only you can really hear yourself, “it’s like a mini-society.” You scoot closer to the ocean, “is there, like, species of mermaid? Like freshwater, saltwater, deep water ones?”

He nods and you notice his hair has dried, green curls bouncing with the movement, “mhm, the deep-sea ones barely ever get spotted though! They have their own little world down there, I bet.”

The idea conjures a, arguably, fantastical image in your mind. The haunting appearance of all those deep-sea fish science has captured projected onto human forms. Bioluminescent mermaids whose skin is so light it’s nearly see-through, showcasing glowing veins and bones. Mermaids with dangerous teeth and long claws dug into the wreckage they call home. 

You haven’t noticed the tide rising, water now gently lapping at your hips instead of your thighs until Izuku says something, “you probably shouldn’t be in the water — it’s late.”

Something odd is lurking in his eyes as he watches the water lap at your clothes and you nod, “yeah — yeah I should check on my uncle. Make sure he hasn’t strained himself.”

You feel his eyes on your back the entire time you're packing up, tracking your every move, until you’ve crossed the quickly vanishing bridge from the mainland to the cove. Izuku’s still perched on the rock, chin resting on his arms in a deceptively lax position. You can tell he’s alert.

“I’ll — I’m gonna come back, okay?” He seems to shake whatever had bothered him earlier off, grinning brightly.

The walk back to your Uncle’s house is quiet. You can’t help but think about Izuku and the look on his face. It was like he was… worried about the water touching you, like he didn’t like you sitting in it. And the way he’d watched you until you were back on dry land. Like he wanted to shelter you.

You see Izuku practically every day after that. After getting your uncle situated for the day and running whatever errands Katsuki needed help with, you’d make your trek down to the cove.

He tells you more about the ocean and starts bringing you gifts. Little things, usually, broken shark teeth and full sand dollars. You start bringing him different foods, mostly sweet fruits or fluffy breads.

Izuku asks a lot of questions, you learn. You also learn he’s not the biggest fan of citrus, preferring the muted sweetness of a mango or peach. Though you also quickly learn to remove the pits before he gets ahold of them so he doesn’t attempt to split them on his molars. 

The little walk to the cove has become routine, by now, despite being thwarted by thickets and grass, you find it easy to navigate. Your bag has a combination of kiwis — which you don’t expect Izuku to like — and mangoes, covered by a soft beach towel from when you were young. 

Izuku’s there when you arrive, perched on top of a large smooth rock close to the water's edge and fiddling with something in his hands. It looks large, from where you are, and pale. 

He jumps when you settle beside him, fingers tightening around the object — a shell — before he relaxes. Izuku says your name like a laugh, “you startled me.” His grip on the shell loosens and you can make out the details. It’s a conch, a beautiful swirl of pink and burnt orange and nearly half the length of his forearm. It’s beautiful. 

Izuku notices your stare and holds the shell up, nodding to you, “I found this the other day and I thought you might like it.” He barely lets you process the words before his breath stutters, “you, um, you don’t have to keep it or anything! You could give it to one of your friends or sell it or anything! It just made me think of you. Not that I. Not that I think of you.”

“Izuku,” you breathe, voice heavy with mirth and adoration, “I love it. It’s so pretty.” The fins on his tail shiver against the rocks when you take it and the blush coating his cheeks deepens. “Thank you.”

He doesn’t respond, not verbally, but his tail curls up against your thigh and the fins protruding from soft curls flatten against his head. Izuku’s eyes alight and he preens under the attention, shuffling even closer. He mumbles something under his breath and you have to lean in to catch even a word of it. 

You make a quiet hm? in an attempt to have him repeat it, occupying your hands with running over the notches of the shell in your lap. He jumps again when he glances at you, like he’s surprised that you’re still perched on the rock next to him. 

“I,” clawed fingers flex against your calf as he stares, lip caught between his teeth, “I wanna show you something. Next time you come.”

“Oh,” you’re not really sure why you’re surprised, “like underwater?” He nods earnestly, lip still caught between sharp teeth. Your hand curls over his own, fingers slotting together, “I’d love to, Izuku. I’ll dig my old snorkeling equipment out tonight.”

He lets out a breath, shoulders sagging as he melts into your side, “thank you.” Izuku makes a soft noise, low and rough like a purr, when your thumb rubs against his knuckles.

“I have more fruit.” You say it more as a distraction, a way to ignore the puffs of air against your throat, “mangoes and kiwi’s this time.”

“Kiwi?” His head lolls against your shoulder until he can look up at you.

“It’s kinda like… an apple and an orange mixed together,” you fumble. How are you supposed to describe the taste of something to someone whose pallet is so narrow? “Like, the same texture as an apple but a little softer and a little more citrusy.” 

His nose scrunches up and you laugh, “I didn’t think you’d like them all too much. But I figured you could eat the mangoes.”

You take to digging through your bag, his chin still balanced on your shoulder. The three fruits you’d brought are still cool from the grocer, sweating slightly in the sun. You’ve gotten good at cubing the fruits without anything to cut against, prying the pits from the cloying flesh. Though you suppose you’re entertaining any easy audience since Izuku usually eats fish straight from the sea. 

It’s easy to melt into the familiarity, no matter how odd the situation really is, of being around Izuku. You should probably still be weirded out by him — you’ve only known him for a couple weeks — but it feels right. Spending your day laid out on sun-baked rocks eating cooled fruit feels somewhat… inevitable.

The moment’s interrupted by a noise, heavy footfalls which sends Izuku shooting up and pushing himself halfway into the water. His hand curls against your ankles and a sound, low and crackly — a hiss — you realize, erupts from the back of his throat.

Then a head of blonde hair, spiky and soft, emerges from the trees. “Katsuki?”

“Kacchan?” You don’t have time to question why Bakugou’s here, too focused on the recognition in Izuku’s voice. The nickname, you assume, sounds too personal and you’re so confused. 

Katsuki ignores him, staring pointedly at you, “your uncle needs ya. Now.” 

Izuku’s still halfway in the water, fins pressed flat against his temples and claws dug deep within the rock. You apologize quietly as you gather your things, eyeing Katsuki over your shoulder.

The walk back into town was quiet again. Unnervingly so as Katsuki was determined to keep his eyes locked on the ground in front of him. You do the same, just to avoid the question, and interestingly sand looks the same in every single spot you check. Cool.

“So,” you start to regret the words before you even speak them, “you, uh, you already knew about mermaids, then?” 

He grunts in a way you take to mean ‘yes’ and you continue, “so did you know that’s what happened that night, then? Why I ended up close enough to the boat for you to be able to get to me?”

Another grumble.

“So… how’d you… how’d you meet?” Katsuki would’ve been the last person on the island you thought knew about mermaids. Denki maybe, who’d tried to convince you that every minor problem the town faced was aliens. Or even Eijirou who was so open-minded sometimes you worried about him catching flies. 

He sighs heavily. It was a fair question all things considered. “You’re not the first one in town to get swept off a fuckin’ boat.” A muscle in his jaw spasms, “and you’re not the first one that dumbass has rescued.” 

Katsuki stops talking after that, like he answered your question in any way satisfactorily. Then, he scrubs a hand over his face — pressing so hard against his eyes you think he’s trying to dig them out — before scoffing, “Just. Just don’t leave the fuckin’ beach without him around, alright?”

“Katsuki, I can swim, you know? I’m not a child.”

He pointedly ignores you, “alright?”

“Fine.”

“Planning on snorkeling later?” Your uncle’s gotten better, only needing a walking stick to be able to move around the house. You worry less about him now, too. “Didn’t know you still had those.”

“Yeah, I saw something at the cove yesterday,” you smile. It’s not a total lie, at least. 

He chuffs a laugh, turning the heat down on his bacon, “you remember how much you’d begged for us to finally take you? You hated being under. Had to hold you above the surface so you could just put the mask in.”

You do. You’d always had a weird relationship with the ocean — you loved the idea of it, what it held, but were terrified of the power. The destruction you’d seen it cause to not only the village itself but the people within. 

“Didn’t stop coming, though. You’re stubborn,” he turns to wink, “get that from me.”

The flippers don’t fit into your bag, bright green ends pressing against your arm and squishing the plums you’d bought yesterday. It’s earlier in the day than normal — sun not as bright and the sand cool beneath your feet.

Izuku’s waiting for you when you, his tail cutting impatiently through the water, when you finally arrive at the little cove. He schools his expression when he sees you, lifting out of the water with a bright smile and calling your name. “You came!”

“Of course I did! I promised, didn’t I?” He makes room for you on the rock, watching as you work the bright rubber flippers onto your feet. They’re uncomfortable and you can feel sand clinging to the sides of your feet.

“I was just… worried.” There’s an underlying tone that makes you think he’s not talking about you showing up. That he’s talking about this is—the water—what he’s worried about. “It’s not too far, promise.”

You’re not convinced he’s really telling you, more a reassurance for himself. But all the same, you smile down at him, “I trust you, Izuku.” 

He seems to relax at that, hands coming to brace your shins as you scoot closer to the stone’s edge. It is a little unnerving, being in the water again, but not so bad with him there. His palm slides up your leg, clawed hand curving over your hip—bracing you—as you finally shimmy down the rock.

Izuku’s hand moves to the back of your head when you start to sink, cradling your skull as a wave pushes you back against the rock. “Careful,” he murmurs. He doesn’t let you go once you’re fully in the water, tucking you easily in the crook of his arm and helps you slip the mask over your face. 

The water’s colder than you’d hoped, shudders racking you and you press closer into his side, “thank you.”

He swallows, visibly, and you can feel the anxious squirm of his tail against your leg before he settles. You float there, your back still pressed against the rock, for a moment before he grins again. Izuku’s grip tightens minutely before he lowers himself in the water, “ready?”

The flippers make it easier to keep up with him—a feat made even easier as Izuku refuses to let go of your hand, pulling you close to his side—and it doesn’t take much to reach what Izuku had wanted to show you.

There’s a reef, bright and colorful, just beyond the cove. The water’s colder there and bluer. The floor is covered in life, thickets of seaweed and bright clusters of pink and orange coral. The fish are smaller, but colorful and they don’t seem to fear Izuku when he pulls you in.

He still never lets go of your hand, following close behind you whenever you need to breathe. Izuku’s smile hasn’t left either—dimpled even as he watches you bob with the waves, wiping at the air slicking against your forehead.

You take to following him, cutting languidly through the water as he shows off his tiny world: bright pink plates of encrusting and fish no bigger than your palm. It’s not the first time you’ve seen it, of course, but it feels like you’re seeing it differently. 

You’re grinning when you break the surface, pulling your mask up your forehead and hands gripping at Izuku’s forearms, “that’s so cool, ‘zuku.” The taste of salt is heavy on your tongue, clinging to your teeth but you don’t mind. 

Izuku grins, the fins buried in green curls twist forwards, “good?”

“So good! I forgot how pretty the reefs out here are. I’m so glad you brought me,” he preens under the attention and you can feel his tail brush against your calf. You think he’s going to say something when he stops, staring at something over your shoulder, and gasps.

“One more,” his hands curl around your wrists and tug you forwards, following whatever he’d seen in the water. You have half a mind to try and slip the snorkel over your face but you don’t. You trust him.

He stops a little ways away, pulling you against him and staring down in the water, “look.” 

Your grip on his arms tighten when you do—a large manta ray is below you. It’s moving slowly, wings cutting lazily through the water barely a foot beneath when you’re floating. There’s a few more of them, deeper in the water, below it and you watch as they glide easily through the waves.

You laugh, quiet and startled, as you watch the creatures disappear from sight. The sound draws Izuku’s eyes to yours and he watches you for a moment. His hands move on your back, readjusting their grip and he knocks his head against your own, “ready?”

Your legs are screaming by the time Izuku’s leading you back to the cove. He seemed to have noticed you slowing, insisting you wrap your arms around his neck to let him pull you along. 

The air feels colder after being submerged for so long, and you shiver against his back. Izuku’s breathing is odd. You’ve always noticed it, it’s so much slower than your own, but the feeling’s soothing. You start to count them in your mind, letting your cheek rest against his shoulder as he moves. 

You barely notice that you’ve gotten back to the cover or that he’s started to move you. You follow him sleepily, letting him tuck your head under his chin and legs into the crook of his arm. 

He hoists you up onto the same rock you’d sat on before, slipping the rubber flippers off you. You don’t expect him to follow after you, arms on either side of you and hips framed by your knees, “did you like it?”

“I did,” you hum and tuck a drying curl behind his ear, “it was beautiful.”

Izuku grins again, so bright your chest tightens, and leans to press his forehead against yours. You feel his lips skim your cheek when he finally parts from you and slips back into the cove.

You wish you’d thought about this more—the inevitable—before you forced yourself to confront it. You’d always been meant to stay for just the summer. Help your uncle get back on his feet, enjoy the break before your semester started, and maybe figure out what you were going to study long term. You never planned on staying.

Izuku’s words replayed, the seemingly insignificant fact from when you’d first met. Most mermaids never left home. He’d spent his entire life here. You didn’t expect him to want to leave. 

And how would that work, anyway? You didn’t think he’d enjoy living in your bathtub nor do you think you’d be able to get him back home without more than a few questions. 

So the conversation had to happen. You just wish you’d prepared better. Or at least not keep avoiding it.

Izuku had started sunning with you. You’d spread out your plush towels by the water’s edge and he’d flop next to you, squinting at the sun and pressing himself into your side. It was easy, nice. And incredibly hard to think about leaving.

You’re sunning now, Izuku’s face tucked against your collarbone and curls dried against your jaw. His breath warms your neck, spreading across your chest. 

“Izuku?” He hums, fins twitching minutely, “do you think about the future?” You can feel his brow crinkle and have to fight yourself from smoothing it out with your thumb. “Like… what-”

You’re not sure how to ask. How do you tell him you’re leaving, that you were never here for long and your time has more than run out.

“Are you okay?” He’s propped himself up on flat palms, peering down at you, lip caught between his teeth, “what’s wrong?”

You regret bringing it up, wishing you could sink into the very sand and never emerge. But you can’t. And you can’t keep putting off this conversation. “Summer’s almost over,” you sigh.

Izuku’s head tilts, confusion washing over him before it hits. Oh. You’re leaving. His bottom lip escapes his teeth, wobbling slightly, and he pushes himself further away, “you’re leaving?” You don’t say anything—afraid the burning in your eyes will spill over—but you nod. “When?”

Your breath is shaking when you answer, “in the morning.”

You can see the words hit him, his shoulders sloping and tears bubbling to the surface. Izuku stares at you for a moment and you can feel his slow breathing speed, tears finally spilling over freckled cheeks. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, thumbing the tears from his face and pressing your forehead to his, “I have to go back to school and my uncle’s healed but I, I’ll visit.” You’re crying, too now. “I’ll come back every break if you want me too, I promise.” 

Your throat burns as you look at him, he looks so distraught. You want to fix it, but there’s nothing you can do.

“I’m sorry, Izuku.” Your thumbs continue to wipe at his cheeks, ignoring your own tears, “I wish there was a way—but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do, I can’t stay here and—”

“And I can’t leave.” Izuku’s voice is brittle when he speaks, waterlogged. You hate it. 

Your forehead knocks against his, nose nudging his own, and your arms drag him down against you, “I’ll come back, I promise, anytime you want me to.” The words come out weaker than you’d hope and you hope your actions are stronger, fingers tangling in his hair. “I wish I could take you with me.”

He tenses, breathing evening out suddenly. Your phone buzzes from the beach and you glance at it, “it’s probably my uncle.” You smooth a hand over his cheek, “I’ll figure something out.” Something odd has overtaken his expression, the sureness he had before he’d given you the shell or asked to show you something new—determination.

You gather your towels quickly, avoiding the water and Izuku’s heavy eyes. You know you’ll stay if you look.

You almost leave the shell. It’s the very last thing you pack, sitting on your windowsill beside a vase of dried flowers. It’d be easier to leave everything, you think. Bury it in your childhood chest of drawers and forget this break ever happened. 

But you can’t. So you wrap the shell in a soft sweater and tuck it into a corner of your suitcase. 

The bags a lot fuller leaving than it was when you first arrived. Stuffed with all the little shells Izuku’d given you and the small crate of creamy chocolate bars Kiri had insisted you keep to “remember him” by. He and Sero had also surprised you with an armful of hawaiian shirts, every single one already had their sleeves cut off for you. “Saving you time!” Sero had declared when you’d sighed heavily.

You still pack them.

You’ve cleared out everything but the tiny closet when you hear your uncle talking to someone. He sounds pleased, someone he knows then, and you only recognize the second voice when they’re at your door. Katsuki.

The door is pushed open, revealing a disarrayed Katsuki whose comically out of breath, gripping your doorknob and grabbing at your forearm.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

He ignores you, pulling you out the door and down the stairs. Yanking at his fingers accomplishes very little, and complaining about your incomplete packing seems to make his grip tighten. 

“Katsuki! What’s wrong?” You dig your heels into the ground, finally becoming a big enough resistance for him to huff and turn to you.

“The cove.” Izuku.

Your breath catches and you let him pull you quicker, mind racing. Is he hurt? Did something happen? You’d seen him a few hours ago, how’d it happen that quickly?

The water’s empty and still when you finally breach the trees. And you fist at Katsuki’s sleeve. Then, you see him. He’s bundled up in a towel near the shore, curls damp and dark against his forehead. “Izuku,” you gasp. You notice the lack of fins first, nothing but achingly human ears protruding from his hair, then the fact that the beach towel ends in feet, pruned from the water. 

He smiles when he sees you, pained but still achingly bright and you choke on a sob, scrambling to kneel in front of him. He catches you easily, melting into your arms as soon as they find their way around him.

Your heart is still beating against your ribs as you cup his face, running your thumb over the curve of his cheek to collect the tears and saltwater. The absence of his tail becomes glaringly obvious when he shuffles closer to you, knees knocking against your own. “Izuku…why did you… what did you do?”

He shakes his head softly, curls dragging against your cheek as his nose presses into yours, “doesn’t matter.”

You laugh, bright and relieved, and he pulls you further against his chest. His lips skate across the curve of your cheek before his mouth meets yours, chaste and sweet. His arms wrap around your waist as blunt hands curl into the back of your shirt. You can feel his heart beating beneath your palm, skin warm and sticky with the sea.

He noses at your temple when you part, sighing softly, “I, uh, I can go with you, now.” He says it a little hopefully, like you’d ever say no and you nod hurriedly.

“Of course you can, ‘zuku,” nuzzling into his palms, “you’re gonna be hard-pressed to get rid of me.”

#eee mermay !! (barely) #bnha x reader #mha x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #midoriya izuku x reader #deku x reader #izuku fluff #izuku midoriya fluff #bnha fluff #izuku x reader #mha fluff #✶ writes #✶ writes.bnha #✶ writes.izuku #[ 🐚 ] — right below the surface

[getthisbread]

Hello!

I think ur writing is pretty neat and was wondering if I could get head cannons of what it would be like to be in a polyamorous relationship with Jay and Cole? (Gender neutral reader) It’s totally ok if ur uncomfortable writing for poly, if so just make it separate pls. Also could you add in a little scenario where Jay, Cole and their s/o are fighting over something (probably something dumb lmao especially Cole and Jay) and then they do something stupid and start laughing over it? Btw I might draw out the scenario so pls let me know if I should tag u if I do. Thank you so much and hope ur having a good day!! :))

Gentle with me

I would be so happy if you drew this omfg- thank you for the request!!! I am totally fine with poly!! I kind of made a reference to Cole x Jay in my last post lmao.

title creds: Touch tank, Quinnie

summary: These boys share one brain cell but, their stupidity is more often endearing than not. <3

Cole Brookstone, Jay Walker (poly) x gn!reader

The road to where you are now was not easy, by any means. Starting to date your now boyfriends was very rough at times, the both of them had trouble coming to terms with the fact that they liked each other and you. In the beginning, there wasn't any communication, Jay, being more emotional thought Cole hated him. Cole didn't exactly realize something was wrong at first, (he's a little dense.)

After a very long heart to heart, the beginning of the relationship was a bit awkward. Jay was raised in a very loving and open home, so affection towards the both of you came a lot easier than it did for Cole. Cole and Lou were never exactly close, and when Lilly passed away, it created an even bigger rift between them. It took Cole a bit, but he does become more open to giving and receiving affection.

Once you have settled into being with them their regular bullshit resumes! Sometimes you will sit in on their hobbies, you and Jay watching drooling over Cole working out, he legitimately looks like a Greek God. Or, you and Cole watching Jay tinker with his creations, he's so cute when his face is all scrunched up in concertation. <3 They like to watch you work too!! It doesn't matter what it is, you could be doing paperwork for all they care, they just want to take in everything about you.

Having two S/O's that are BOTH ninjas definitely makes you worry about every little thing, how it could go wrong, etc. But, on the other side of that coin, Jay and Cole often worry that a villain will hurt you to get to them. So all in all, everyone is worried about each other.

Cole and Jay will have you constantly laughing, the would kill to see you smile. Constantly cracking jokes, pulling pranks, and so much more!!! Anything for your beautiful laugh!

It was just another average day on The Destiney's Bounty, and by average, you meant Jay was pouting because Cole ate his cake! "The nerve! To think, my own boyfriend would steal MY cake! It had my name on it and everything!" Jay ranted. "I'm sorry, okay! I wasn't exactly looking for a name tag! I just saw cake and ate it!" Cole whined back. They be at it all day if I don't step in, you thought. "Cole you of all people should know food is sacred, and Jay, I'm completely sure that if Cole knew it was yours he wouldn't have eaten it. So just kiss and make up already." you said, trying to ease the tension.

Later that night, you and Jay had already settled into bed, Jay being fast asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. But, you were still awake, waiting for Cole to join you both in bed. After 10-ish minutes, Cole still hadn't come to bed, Where is he? You thought as you slipped out of the covers, careful to not wake Jay.

As you walked down the hall, you noticed the kitchen light still on. Curious, you walked into Cole frosting a lopsided blue cake. "What're you doing hon?" You asked, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. "It's an apology, I didn't realize it was his cake, so I made him another one! No too shabby if I do say so myself." Cole responded. Eyes now adjusted to the light, you got a better look at the cake, the frosting was patchy, it was leaning to the left, and he even spelled 'sorry' wrong. In black letters at the top of the cake it said 'Sorrry Jay' 'sorry' having three r's in this instance. You took the frosting spatula from Cole wordlessly, and started to even the frosting. You didn't fix the 'sorry' though, you thought it was funny.

After placing the cake in the fridge, you and Cole went to bed. The next morning, you and Cole were still asleep when you heard a girlish scream come from the kitchen. Jolting up, and booking it to the kitchen, you burst into the unsightly scene before you. Jay on his knees, Cole's masterpiece of a cake strewn on the floor before him. One look at the scene had you and Cole howling in laughter. "Don't laugh! This is the second time I've lost a cake!" Jay cried. "We'll make another together, don't worry." you managed to get out between giggles. Jay soon joined in laughing with you both, because while he did lose his cake, he got to make another with the people he loves. <3

I'm not sick anymore and I couldn't be happier!!!! I have my cat to thank for nursing me back to health, he's my baby. :) Also, summer can be a time when people feel alone, so if you need someone to just talk to, my dm's are always open to everyone. Love you all <3

#cole ninjago #ninjago x reader #cole brookstone #ninjago jay #ninjago #ninjago cole #jay walker #jay ninjago #cole brookstone x reader #jay walker x reader #cole x reader #cole x jay

[kieairakitty]

June 8th - Frustration

Frustrated is my feeling for the day.

I am disappointed that Daddy and Sissy have pretty much given up on quitting smoking already. I am frustrated that Sissy constantly doesn’t follow the rules, I feel like I am the one that is being the Domme but I am having to do it through Daddy.

I have been questioned myself a lot lately. Perhaps I am not a submissive, perhaps I am a switch. Should I let loose my Mistress side? Domme Lea but be dommed by Daddy? How would I even bring that up, and how would that dynamic even work? (side note - because I feel like I want sissy and daddy to read this - this is nothing set I just need to get my thoughts out of my head)

I feel like I could be a Mistress again (I used to do it all the time in RP) Anarane was a Switch, she dommed many people, but only the truly strong males could dom her ... and it was pretty hot. Their hand wrapping around her throat and forcing her to submit .... mmph.... just remembering it makes me tingle.

(Might have to make a seperate post for Daddy and Sissy to read and leave out the trip down memory lane lol)

I am also frustrated because I feel like Daddy needs to be a stronger dom, but Im not sure if he can be. He is a sweet, soft, caring Daddy - which don’t get me wrong I love - but sometimes I want more, and sometimes I feel like Lea needs more. I don’t want to force Daddy into being something he is not. So I have also contemplated perhaps seeking out another more Dominate Dom to join our family .... not that I ever would without talking to everyone first, but it is a thought that crosses my mind quite often.

I havent been feeling very little lately, and I miss having my little days ... that is something I dont ever want to give up, but if Im going to have to take control and be the one who decides on discipline, pain or pleasure, then lets just do that.

For starters, I’d limit them both to 4 smokes a day and if they use them all up early. Too bad, deal with it until the next day and try to ration it better. Or I’d st certain times, you get one when you wake up. One more around lunch, one in the afternoon and one after dinner. Not only would it help their health, it would save us all money - which we are all rather short on. It makes me feel guilty about going out for dinner, when I know were struggling and going to be out of money again come Monday and just barely hanging on until my payday.

As it is, I did a cash advance for Ottawa, paid it back then borrowed again because I didnt have any cash left. And will probably have to do it again this pay. Hoping come the first when I get my double pay I can pay it off and then leave it alone.

Sissy is even worse off, she’s living off her overdraft, which is causing friction in her and Kirstens relationship, and I was rather annoyed when Daddy said she could buy some toys at Walmart. Managed to convince her to buy something that was more useful and less money at least, but she was rather mad when I took her toys and said not unless daddy says .... and then he goes and says yes.

I feel like I have to remind him to check in on Sissy, to make sure she’s wearing her glasses, or drinking water (which I dont think she has done in days) yet he doesnt really check in with me and there is no one to remind him that I need help too. 

Perhaps our dynamic should shift. I need a Master, I would then be a MIstress to Lea ... but would still be Daddys girl and Sissy would be daddys brat. I dunno, Im just trying to figure everything out.

Im also frustrated with the pets. I hate that Loki is always in my face. His humping the bed bothers me as does his gross penis. I dunno it just makes me uncomfortable. I am not a dog person by any means, and Id never ask sissy to give up her dog, I hate that Boba and Loki dont get along, but I also like that hes not in the living room and constantly in my face. I feel like if he was, I’d end up sequestering myself to the bedroom a lot, just to be away from him and with my kitties. Dogs are fun once in a while, but Im not a huge fan of living with one. *This part I would never tell Lea though, as I know it would really upset her*

I am worried about when Kirsten comes to live here. The way Lea gets annoyed with her antics makes me upset, I still feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable around her, especially when we are alone. And even on the Ottawa trip I foud myself saying “Shut up” In my head when she would start going on about certain things, and just wanting to get away from her. She tries to get it on the play time and it seems to only bother Lea, which in turn bothers me, but also makes me feel bad that Kirsten is often left out. 

I love Lea, and I love having her here, but every once in a while I wonder .... did we jump into this too fast? If it was just Lea, no dog, no Kirsten, I feel like things would be fine - we could just deal with the Dominance issue, but it’s not and I need to find a way to deal with everything all at once.

*Slight side note - Im annoyed that Sissy stays up all night and then naps all day. I again feel like this is something Daddy needs to address as her Dom, but I get tired of being the one to have to point these things out.

Think I got enough off my mind to have a nap before I have to go to my doctors appointment - another thing that annoys me - why am I always the one that has to sleep on the couch? I was looking forward to having the bed to myself for a bit after Daddy left for work but she came in right away and I was frustrated so I ended up just getting up - took care of my cats and her dog because of course she went to bed late so shes sleeping through his whining. I think this family really needs to figure out a routine.

[shutthyface]

Bendy and the Dark Revival Playthrough Thoughts:

Imma post my raw dog thoughts on Bendy and the Dark Revival as I play (currently in chapter 1), I shall bury the spoilers so continue at your own risk, I will also be completely honest about my opinions on everything, my qualifications are my 100% achievement score for Bendy and the Ink Machine and a deep adoration for the entire Bioshock series (yes, this is relevant)

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

Okay, here we go:

- first impression, hand animations are a lil weird but I can get past it

- Audrey is adorable, her winged liner is pretty thicc

- I knew a jumpscare was coming in that hallway but did it stop me from screaming? no.

- "Who put this here?" YESSIR LOVE THAT THROWBACK THANK YOU

- ALSO after coming back for the key you get a nice view of the signed photo of Bendy from Henry 🥺 So cute I can't even

- cut to me continuously ramming my body into the first Boris the Wolf poster throughout different points in the walkthrough area because I was looking for Meatly... (he was not there 😭)

-I hate Wilson, as a character, and I'm confused at his importance. But I also hate him as a person, as he makes me v uncomfortable (well done on that part)

- ahhh yes, the Ink Machine activation. I wish it wasn't so similar, maybe the podiums set up in different areas of the museum room like exhibits would have been a nice recollection without being exactly the same

- ohohoh, is that a Bioshock Infinite baptism I see? And a title screen eerily similar to the Bioshock logo. Not complaining really, I honestly miss the feeling of Rapture

•∆ Entering Chapter 1 ∆•

- PIPER I KNEW YOU WERE THERE AND YET??? SCARY

- Alice could have explained a bit more, I also feel like there's a lot of things I need to explore but can't yet, I love exploration and collection

- Gent Pipe is coming back and we gotta hide from these squishy men, so far so good. Really enjoying the new hiding mechanics, feels much more like a classic horror game, more immersive and anxiety building

- these ink men and women are getting rekt, cool that you can loot from their bodies

- puzzles BAYBEEE gotta love em, the first one is pretty easy to find but it almost feels like there's more to see there later?

- ooo we have another Bioshock-esque gameplay tool, sending ink creatures back to the ink puddles, like removing the adam from little sisters. Not sure if it will have an impact on ending or anything like that, but it adds a nice choice to more sneaky routes than head on aproaches

- I don't know what I expected but mr.hang-in-there editor made me feel more uncomfortable than I thought it would lmao

- BABY BENDY 😭 he's soooo cute and his LIL ANIMATED FACES!!!! i can't believe he was just chillin there all smol and adorable

- Audrey gotta be careful with that power she hurt the baby 🥺

- "do not knock" audrey: hmm .... this won't stop me, I can't read

- not the Ink Demon appearing and TALKING???? HELLO??? SIR?? 🥵🤒

- 😳😳😳 "sweet name to devour" lord almighty

- his new form is SICK, I LOVE the glove/white animation spots peaking through the ink, the multi horns, ugh so cool I want a better look 😩

•∆ Entering Chapter 2 ∆•

- Ink Demon: "You were born from it", me: "MOLDED BY IT!"

- I no longer enjoy the hiding mechanic because I am now more scared

-OOOH it tells me when he's coming, that I enjoy, thank the lord 😩✋

- I like these lil drawings mr. no-knock did, they're so cute! I think the Ink Demon likes em too that's why he's angry I'm collecting em 😮‍💨

- me after collecting the fifth drawing: damn he MAD mad he wanted those sketches bad 😳

- bro mr. no-knock attacking me after collecting his shit is NOT the vibe how DARE you sir

- the ink demon literally was about to attack me when I was writing that last thought, I thought I was about to have a break but NOPE not only did I almost die I almost pissed myself that was TERRIFYING

- I am now constantly on edge and I feel like mr. ink demon is coming for me at any second

- good news I haven't died yet, bad news my heart rate is goin NUTS

- second puzzle, finished, and Ink Demon only visited once! Yay!

- "come say hello" h mm don't mind if I do

- audrey: *crackin open this big ass spotlit box*; me: no no no no no; box: scary ass shy-guy-esque lady; me: noooo no no no...; audrey: *turns away to hide in barrel, turns back and box is empty*; me: NOOOOOOO THANK YOUUUUUU

- dude F*CK THAT GHOST B*TCH she scared my entire TIT off and made me slam my knee into my desk WTF is that 😭

- I survived the shy-guy-lady, thank the lord, but I had to run like hell and murder the lost ones in the area. I hope I grabbed all the collectables 😭

- Winnie the Porter stuck in the pipe is pretty adorable and I love him

- down the rabbit hole we go, I guess!

- NOT PORTER RENAMING ME 😭 AND A GIFT!

- oh my gosh I was thinking the glowing hand reminded me of Dishonored and now we can fuggin SHIFT just like Dishonored, love that

- the menus looked pretty familiar too, now I can't help but see little Dishonored pockets everywhere

- dude so many squishy lost ones how am I supposed to deal, I have realized I should not have eaten every snack I came across before 😭

- it's time for a break, I'm currently in the locker rooms for anyone curious, I'll come back sometime tomorrow for more thoughts ;)

#bendy and the dark revival #bendy and the dark revival spoilers #spoilers #bendy the dancing demon #bendy and the ink machine #bendy #bendytheinkdemon #dark revival #batim #batdr

[mental-health-advice]

I had a crush on someone last year and it was very strong in the beginning and eventually subsided after a month or two. I also really admired the person platonically and wanted to be their friend/get to know them better as well, so it wasn't entirely a romantic thing. Anyway, when I pulled myself together I did say goodbye to them and everything (we're at university so I won't see them again because of the year ending etc) and had asked them if they wanted to hang out (1)

(2) It was a message, so they responded to my goodbye and everything, but not the hanging out part, so i got the gist that they werent interested. I feel guilty tho bcs I think about them here and there still, some times more than others, and honestly sometimes check if they're online. Idk, maybe it makes me feel connected. I feel like i'm invading some kind of boundaries/privacy and it makes me so uncomfortable. I dont want to do that. but why are they still on my mind almost a year later?

(3) why cant i just move on? I dont get why im like this. I wish I could just forget them and move on, but ive always been sensitive to rejection. It did hurt, but i'm not in the same place right now and I just wish I could get rid of them from my memory and move on.

Hey there,

It can be so difficult when we become friends with someone regardless if it is a friendship or something more and then having to part with them for some reason, whether it is in or out of our control.

I know that you mentioned that you sent this person a message saying goodbye but asking if they still wanted to hang out now and again but when they replied saying goodbye, maybe they were in a rush and didn’t fully read the message and consequently not taking it all in and it not fully registering in their mind of what you were asking? Or perhaps they got confused with you saying your goodbye but then asking if they still wanted to hang out with you? Whatever the reason though (and you only have to do this if you feel comfortable doing so) but maybe send a follow up message to them asking if they wanted to hang out and do something with you like getting a coffee or something like that?

In regards to not being able to get them off your mind and always thinking of them, this is completely normal. For example, I recently lost contact with a really good friend of mine (their decision not mine) and I still can’t get them off my mind and it’s been over a year now. I also often see on messenger if they have been online or not. I don’t feel it’s an invasion of privacy though but more of just curiosity if that makes sense?

Another example, slightly different was many years ago when I decided to change therapists. The therapist I stopped seeing though was still constantly on my mind with many questions going around and around in my head. Things like:

Does she hate me

Did I end things right

Does she think of me too

Why didn’t I just suck it up and keep seeing her (I am also quite sensitive when it comes to relationships ending or being rejected by another)

I was very lucky in the above situation though as I was able to reconnect with her for a one off therapy session to allow me to get some closure and just talk about how things ended and why and just an update on how I have been going since that therapeutic relationship ended. This helped a me a lot and she is no longer on my mind like she was.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even if this person doesn’t want to see you or hang out, is there a way that you can get closure from the relationship you had with them? Perhaps you could ask if you could see them to say a proper goodbye face-to-face or even do something memorable for them as a way of saying goodbye in your own personal/ special way by yourself?

There is nothing wrong to have them on your mind still but I do understand the frustration with this and the wanting to just lose ‘those memories’ in a way so you can continue your life without any obstacles if that makes sense?   

This is where closure can be really helpful but again not always possible like (yes another example sorry) but my last therapist died suddenly from cancer and although I saw her and said goodbye I still think of her often and sometimes every day. I write letters to her sometimes and this seems to help at times but I also feel like remembering her is a healthy thing for me as she was a positive aspect of my life.

So, is there a possibility where you could write a letter to this person (it doesn’t need to be sent) just expressing how you feel, what the relationship meant to you, and that even though you may have had some really great times together, you want to just move on now and get on with your life. This may or may not be helpful but maybe worth giving it a go as sometimes when we get things out of our head and onto paper it can really help.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #mental health #mental health advice #anonoymous #friend #friend being on mind #getting closure #moving on in life

[potatopossums]

relationships are weird. (actually, my mind is weird.)

(not a coherent post bc I'm about to go to bed; although when are any of my posts coherent?)

but just thoughts about traversing multiple relationships (in the general sense of the term) and my own needs.

it's so weird and I literally do not know how some people are romantically polyamorous bc wow it's hard to keep relationships in line enough as an aro person.

i struggle enough with being touch starved and needing affection in a physical and verbal sense, and just the amount of other stress i deal with being agender and misgendered too, and still learning how i can best protect my mental health during all of that is like. what on earth kind of sorcery is this.

i really want to be one of those people who is just completely honest all the time. beautifully articulate and not holding back their truth at all. doesn't mean I'm mean. i just can clearly communicate what i want and not have it be something i stumble over out of anxiety or fear of rejection. i know it's a practice but wtf it's so hard.

i worry about not being enough for people all the time given that i enjoy touch but get uncomfortable and overstimulated really easily during hug and cuddle situations, and sometimes i want a hug but it doesn't feel good and that sensation doesn't tend to leave me very quickly when it doesn't feel good, it just exasperates my anxiety even more like "agh bodies why."

how the fuck i even function with my overactive intrusive thoughts is a mystery.

things are just hard. expectations are hard. i constantly think that people are unhappy with me. i need to be babied sometimes (a lot of the time). I'm soft and delicate and struggle to believe that anger ≠ abandonment or punishment.

anger has always meant something bad: something was about to be done to me or taken away from me, i was about to be demeaned or belittled or torn apart and it was something i had to avoid. how am I supposed to feel okay in the world if that's still the lens i have? i don't know. I'm trying to change that slowly. I'm trying to show my brain that, no, it is not the end of the world when someone is angry or frustrated or annoyed with me, see they're still here and they still care. it's really hard though. it's like. i can't just convince myself they're not mad or frustrated at me because they are and they're allowed to be. but how do I convince myself that no, this isn't the final straw this time and they're not about to abandon me this time? how do I discern that? i have no idea. i naturally think that rejection on any level means I'm not loved and that whatever i ask for is disgusting to the other person. i think that my own autonomy and desires and needs being vocalized puts me up for warranted scrutiny and abandonment. people have a right to be angry at me for not putting out and i just have to deal with that and it hurts me. i don't know why that's my mindset but it is.

like how will I know I'm safe? i don't know. how will I know that people won't abandon me even if just emotionally? i don't know. how will I know the difference between abandonment and something else? everything feels like it's one step closer to loss. always. i don't know why. it just does. I'm trying to fight that so hard. I'm trying to force myself to stay in the game and keep my eyes open and say "see? look. nothing is happening here. say you're scared, say this is hard. that's true. but also look, nobody is leaving you when you say that. nobody is angry at you. nobody hates you. look at that."

it's really hard to even believe that reality. i can look that in the face and still my intrusive thoughts come along and say "what if..."

it's exhausting.

i don't have a hopeful conclusion for this one, i just know that this really sucks and I'm not the only one who experiences this. it just really sucks that my coping mechanisms for these things are really rooted in amatanormative things as well, I'm noticing. and that really fucking stings to realize, as if that makes me less aro or alterous or queerplatonic. it doesn't. but of course my mind is looking for anything with which to tear me down. and why? i don't know. it's the voice of my parents, my critical voice. i wish that voice belonged to me. i wish it could change and be something else, sooner rather than later. i know I'm working on it and it just takes time. but it sure is painful as hell. and all the gaps in communication i experience when talking to people, my mind just fills them with fear and thoughts: "do they hate me this time? what about this time? now they must hate me. now they're thinking about how disgusting my desires are, how gross my reality is, how repulsive I must be."

it either makes me upset at them for a thought i fabricated, or it makes me just feel like shit as i take those thoughts as truth.

there has got to be another way.

#traumatic mindsets #coping mechanisms #people pleasing #relationships #friendships #authenticity

[morningstarascending]

Life No Longer Silenced - Part 1

Ever since birth, I was surrounded by toxicity, especially my family. Narcissism, physical / mental / sexual abuse, manipulation, rape, molestation, gaslighting, empty words, lies, selfish action, broken promises to name a few taken towards myself, that also continues through adulthood. Many of my memories are in accessable and what I can tell..... many negative than possitive. I can go as back as I think 3 - 4 in my memories, the time I was in Iowa. I remember a bunkbed being built, falling out of it in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, waterbed in the basement, scar on my leg from the messed up bumper of my uncle's truck, moving day to leave and, the earliest incident of my fathers sexual abuse towards me. After that my memories are in Missouri start and they are with me living in a trailer in House Springs. I remember my brother antagonizing me and not leaving me along, I chase him and I trip to hit my face on the tv stand. All my life I feel like people just love to antagonize me when I just dislike childish behavior and dumb antics. People constantly pushing my bounderies and when I point out how I dislike it, their behavior get worse and more dislike towards me. A narcissist magnet and me being happy makes others uncomfortable. All my life I get get to be the villian while being nice, so which is it. Too many narratives people have created or caused through their actions. Later in House Springs I vaguely remember preschool in High Ridge. All the teachers I had in Missouri were so rude and uncaring. Always taking the side of bullies, especially when they would run to the teacher and tell them that I bullied them. Then comes elementary school in House Springs, my fathers abuse, all forms, becomes much, much worse. I discover he also doing it to my brother and then does things to us two in the same room at the same time. My brothers anger and toxic behavior starts to become worse at this time. Then add my mothers abuse, though I am not sure if starts at this time but it is the earliest I remember. Mothers go to, age didn't matter, yelling in face or ear, digging nails in arms or thighs till blood form, smacking in the head, smacking or kicking in the ass and, mental abuse. I'd have brusies all my life from family, bullies, and plus a couple of exs. Plus at this time the slavery starts, I'd understand chore but to do everything around the house, even the adult stuff while they spoil themselves and abuse their children, bad parenting. My brother would antagonize me or yell at everyone, steal and, other bad behaviour. I would also escape my parents and siblings and sleep over at reletives houses. Elementary school also sadly introduced fake friends, people that used me and my kindness. Becoming the quiet loner child,/ghost didnt work. I then get angrier and having extreme trust issues. I started to defend my self with fists, since words never worked on teachers on bullies. I was always taller and never followed fade, I absolutely hate celebrity worshiping. I just want to enjoy their showa, that is it. So I would wear the bandaid on the face, drink squirt (eww pure sugar), baseball caps orm jnco jeans. I always want to be me and wear what I like. By not following any person, especially in basketball, bullying became worse. I ended up being the lone wolf, since I would bark or bite back. A black wolf in the family and world will stand out and defend themselves. Sadly it also caused me to be an obese child, depression, processed foods and, junk.

#life #lifetoblog #life stuff #life struggles #abuse survivor #childhood trauma

[arispensieve]

oooh boy it’s some externalizing emotion time and none of it is nice. I already am ashamed of whining about it without trying to be positive, and I haven’t even written it yet. 

Very scared. Very tired. Work called me in and I panicked so much I had to leave after 2 deliveries, what the fuck. 

I’m ashamed, and scared, and angry with myself. I should have never gone when work called me in, should have said I was busy, but I didn’t want to admit to myself (or admit to the world at large) that I couldn’t handle work without the hours of preparation beforehand. It’s the lowest, easiest job there is, or one of them. If I can’t handle it if I’ve already had the misfortune of doing a bunch of normal human activities that day, there is something ridiculously wrong with me. 

Which, like. I knew that. I just don’t want to rub my face in it, or anyone else’s. 

But despite my best efforts I did anyway, begging off after barely an hour because I could barely see for fear. It wasn’t safe to drive like that. I know it wasn’t. But it should have been. I was dead sober, had slept enough, could see perfectly well. There was no good reason for me to be unsafe to drive. 

And now I’ve told them I was too anxious and now I have to deal with that. I don’t really think they’ll be assholes about it - not like when I was at school or whatever - but I do think it won’t be mentioned again, and I will spend forever knowing that in some way they think differently of me, and not knowing whether that way is so small as to be neglegible - “ari mentioned she had anxiety once. this means nothing to me. moving on to this pizza order” - or not - “let’s not give ari any orders if possible because she could always leave in the middle of a shift and it’s bad business”. 

Anyway. I feel like shit about it. Like if parents aren’t going to be here to yell at me for not taking things seriously and not trying, I have to do it myself. 

It’s not that I’m not. In fact, I am going to spend all of the next few days hating myself for it. 

It’s just that I never show the right level of apologetic remorse. I don’t think I’ve ever been outwardly ashamed enough or sorry enough, and it’s gotten me in trouble for stupid shit with parents a lot. Forgot to bring my toothbrush to 3612, scolded for not being upset enough when I remembered. Kept lids to cat food cans in my room because that was where I fed juli, apologized and did not do in future, still got five to ten minutes of seriously?? Seriously?? how lazy can you possibly get? A good while of silent treatment bc a dyed flyer got wet on the tile floor of my college dorm and stained it pink and I shrugged, paid the bit of the security deposit, and moved on. 

It’s not like you can just start apologizing for everything, though. People get sick of that real fast. 

Why am I bitching about my childhood? It’s like I’m going off on the tangents that are the most guaranteed to show how awful I am. Stop bitching about your childhood to excuse your current problems, it’s embarrassing and cringeworthy and it makes everyone uncomfortable, or it would if anyone actually knew about this. No excuse to be found in obscurity, though. Shut up. 

Seriously, just please fucking shut up. I’m sick of living in this head with myself. I’m sick of being so goddamn afraid all of the time, in ways I haven’t been since I was a lot younger. I’m sick of knowing all the time that I am too weak and too incompetent to exist in the world, and constantly working not to make that other people’s problem. 

[addoration]

some people are impossible to discuss/debate with………. rlly should have learnt that by now!!!!!!! rant under cut

spent the evening ‘talking’ with my mother’s friend and got progressively irritated by her.

firstly… she would constantly interrupt me, making me lose my train of thought, and also change the subject away from what i began talking about… and then talk and talk while i listened and never gave me pause to talk myself

secondly, she said some islamophobic things which made me so uncomfortable!! she’s french so she talked about how the state and church are separate, which yes i agree with, but then she was saying how because of that, hijabis shouldn’t wear their hijabs in schools etc…… which was soooo problematic for obvious reasons.

THEN when i tried to tell her that she’s being islamophobic, she made it all about sexism!!!!!!! how it’s men oppressing women and making them wear their headscarves!!!!!!!! and i was like…. well maybe sometimes that happens but that’s such a generalisation and so so harmful to think!!!! it’s the woman’s choice!!!

btw this conversation started because i was talking (to my mum!!! not her!!!) about trans rights in the uk and she butted in. so don’t even ask me how we got on to religion in the first place.

she was being very negative on religion as a whole, catholics, muslims,etc, and i said “so it’s organised and bastardised religion that you dislike, because yes me too” and she said no, it’s religion on the whole that she disagrees with….. again, soo problematic…….

anyway back on the trans matter. i said that AT THE MOMENT, trans ppl are some of the more vulnerable people in the queer community, and

1) she said “you shouldn’t victimise yourself” which???????? made me so mad?????? firstly because i AM a victim of transphobia, as are most trans ppl, and secondly because whether or not we’re fighting against transphobia or lying down and taking it, the statement is true and not meant to victimise. we ARE one of the most vulnerable categories atm. that’s just… fact. where’s the victimisation???????

2) she made it abt sexism. she turned the conversation into one abt sexism. and i was like “im not dismissing the struggles of women and misogyny and sexism, i mean look at what trans women especially face!! but that’s not what is being discussed right now” and then she basically……. pitted misogyny and transphobia against each other. she straight up said, quote, “sexism is worse” and i was like????????? you legit canNOT make this a competition of who has it worse. wtf.

she kept saying “oh ive engaged so much with the queer community” and then would talk about how when she goes to back rooms in paris, she feels unsafe around gay men and how she’s seen how gay men and lesbians “hate each other” which???? ok……. i have no experience of gay spaces outside of the internet really tbh, especially outside the uk, so i won’t say she’s lying, but….. that’s got to be such a generalisation that she came up with because she witnessed some stuff maybe years and years ago. because for sure that’s not the vibe i get.

when i brought up that i personally thought that it was bisexuals who get most flack, she was like “what?! no!” and i was like “well im glad that it’s not your experience but i personally have witnessed so much biphobia from the cishets and the queers” and she was like “no, i think you’re wrong.” which, fine, she’s entitled to her opinion, but….. god it made me foam at the mouth in anger!!

godddd just…… everything she said wound me up. i never even invited her into the conversation hhhhhhh.

lots of bad takes from her tonight but the one that got me most angry was when she said sexism is a worse issue than transphobia. like. sure. let’s go making a “who has it worse” contest of discrimination now, because that’s fun…… ffs.

anyway, rant over, goodnight.

#transphobia #islamophobia #sexism #etc etc this is just a big rant basically #dove talks #dramaaaaa!! I’m SO glad to be going back to England tomorrow….. #this person has been annoying me for the past week and if I had to endure any more time with her…… #I would snap.

[l-gbtqstorie-s]

This is my interview with Laurence! He is 17, uses he/him pronouns, and is from Puerto Rico:

[TW for self harm and suicidal thoughts]

How do you identify?

I identify as Bisexual and Trans FTM

How has your community reacted to your identity?

I think both of my identities get some hate within the community but the majority of the interactions I’ve had with my community have been great.

How have you struggled with mental health in the past?

Almost my entire life I’ve struggled with mental health because of how I was raised and the things I was put through. I never saw a reason in living I just kept going because I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. In 7th grade I got into a bad relationship that made things a lot worse. I cut myself once and cried so often. All I could think about was killing myself because that would be easier than dealing with everything that was going on. I got called to the principals office once because I said I wanted to kill myself and I was sent to therapy but I refused to go. I also deal with a lot of social anxiety and anxiety in general. It’s so bad that I refuse to seek help even if I’m drowning because I would rather drown myself than ask something as simple as “hey can you help me?”. To this day I struggle daily with mental health.

Have you ever been outed to someone when you weren’t ready to share that information? How did this affect you?

My best friend actually outed me to one of her friends. I didn’t really have an issue with it but I wish she would’ve discussed it with me before telling someone I didn’t know. It made me a tad bit uncomfortable that someone I had never met knew one of my biggest secrets. She had good intentions but that didn’t sit right with me.

How did coming out to people affect your mental health?

Most of my friends are either queer themselves or ally’s so coming out to them about both identities wasn’t so difficult though it was still very hard. I found it a lot harder to come out as trans than coming out as bisexual. And with my family I’ve actually only come out to my big brother since the rest of my family is not so accepting. it went better than expected so it didn’t affect my mental health in a negative way but in a positive way. (To make it clear I only told my brother I was bi, he doesn’t know I’m trans as well since that’s something I don’t think he’d accept as fast)

If you identify as Trans/Nonbinary, how has living in a gendered society affected you?

It’s very difficult for me at least. It constantly bothers me as to why gender is such a huge part of society. It’s scary to me that I’m more vulnerable to hatred just because I’m a bit different then a cis man. My mother is one of those old school people that doesn’t understand anything about the LGBTQ+ so she’s always asking why I don’t like to dress like “the woman I am” she tells me I have a beautiful body and face that are going to waste. but it’s not only her. Everyone around me tells me how much more beautiful I’d be if I would succumb to gender roles and started wearing makeup or pretty dresses and had long beautiful hair. It’s difficult to live this way but it feels like I have to for my own survival. I wish things were different and I could be myself but unfortunately I have to wait till I’m older to be who I want to be.

What was your experience with gender roles growing up?

My mom wanted a girl badly after having 2 boys so she prayed to god for a girl and I came. Before I was even born I was subjected to a gender role. Growing up I was constantly told to put on more clothing when my brothers friends came by, told to close my legs because it’s not lady like to have them open, told I had to sit a certain way because I was girl, told I couldn’t play certain things, do certain things just because I was born a girl. I looked at the way my brothers were treated and I was jealous. I asked why I was being treated differently and the answer was “because your a girl and they’re not” and I didn’t understand why it mattered so much.

Growing up, did you have any positive LGBTQ role models? Who were they? Did these people/this person make it easier for you to come to terms with your identity?

Well growing up I have absolutely no LGBTQ+ role models. I was growing up in a time where that was very rare to see and not talked about often or at all. I unfortunately grew to be very homophobic and transphobic. I only grew out of all that because of my first crush on a girl. We met in freshman year of high school and at first we were just friends but the closer we got the more our relationship started to change and I came to realize I liked them. Because of that I started to research more about my feelings and the community and all of my opinions changed completely. Thank god lmao I’d hate to still have that awful mindset.

Is there anything else you would like to add/ do you have any advice for people in the same boat as you?

I’m not great at advice but I’d like to say that this isn’t easy. The more you learn and grow the harder and more confusing things get and sometimes it feels like things will never change. It’s hard and it’s easy to feel like it’ll all never change. I’m not gonna bullshit you and say shit gets easier or it’ll all be okay because you wouldn’t believe me anyways but you’re absolutely gonna wanna see how you turned out in a few years. I know I want to see myself become who I really am, and I want you to also see yourself like that one day. That day will come eventually I’m sure of it, for both of us. Just hang in there. I know it isn’t easy trust me even I wanna give up but I have hope that things will get better. It’s like a very small sliver of hope but it’s there! And that’s really all you need. Keep trying and even if you fail, try again, because you’ll make it and hey if you try and fail all that matters is that you tried! Don’t give up. Your a lot stronger than you think and always remember you are NOT alone. There’s someone out there waiting for your messages every day, don’t keep them waiting too long<3