#i am talking about alcohal

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Finished work today. Friday night, get to go home and not immediately start calculating how many hours I have to cook and eat and wash dishes and shower and then get some extra time by myself before I have to go to bed early enough to not be exhausted and miserable the next day. Excited to not have to do that. Get home, my roommate and best friend of 20 years suggests we go have dinner at the pub around the corner. A mutual friend I haven’t seen in months wants to join us later. I am trying to have a social life again and excited about seeing this friend so I go out.

Get to the pub. Eat food. First hour of dinner is spent with my roommate telling me about the meetings he’s been having with the top sports execs in the country this week, to make plans for the athlete from our team who’s trying to qualify for the Olympics. My roommate is flying to Turkey in May to coach her at a qualifier. I am genuinely, incredibly excited for him. And for her. For the team. They’re bringing in the top coaches and athletes from all over the country to work with our team.

We finish food and he runs out of stories and orders his third pint and I’m just drinking water, and he asks me what my updates are on my life, and I am suddenly hit with how incredibly depressing it feels that I have no updates. I have a trip to Britain in the summer that is the only thing on my calendar and I am so so looking forward to that but I don’t have anything between now and then. Don’t have anything from this week. Every day I got home from work planning to go for a run and then was too tired from the long hours so I didn’t. He asked me if I’ve seen any comedy nights lately (which he is not remotely interested in – earlier in my comedy obsession I spent more time telling him about the comedy stuff, but I’ve stopped doing that as it is very much not a shared interest, I pretty much made this Tumblr blog to put my comedy thoughts somewhere besides telling him about it), and I replied that a couple of people I like were performing at a nearby pub yesterday and I planned to go see them, but I left for work at 7:30 AM and got home at 7:30 PM and would have had to leave again immediately to get there and was too tired so I didn’t. And I’ve picked a career field where the based case scenario after moving up is more money than I make now but still not enough money to live comfortably, and not a point where it gets easier.

And the difference is that for all these years I always had big goals and big things to look forward to because I was invested in the sport, and I am trying again, I’m planning to go to practice this Sunday for the first time in months. I decided to take this season off to re-evaluate if it’s what I want to do, and what I learned is that when I don’t have it I have no purpose in life so it’s probably worth all the bad things, so now that the season has just ended I’m planning to try again. But I’m still going to be tired all the time. Even if I got back into coaching full time like I used to, I’m never going to have a job that would give me enough flexibility to take off to Turkey. My friend and I spent so many years on the same level coaching together, and now even if I went back I’d be way behind and never catch up.

I was sitting in the pub and apologizing for not having any updates or things to talk about, really, and watching the little bubbles in his beer and thinking of how very very good they looked, and then I mentioned that of course this is all coloured because I’m trying not to drink and that’s making me miserable, so that makes everything seem bleaker than it really is, probably. And he said yes, avoiding drinking does sound miserable, and it doesn’t make you an alcoholic to have a few beers after work on a Friday, so why don’t I just order one. And I said I’m trying not to drink. And he said I don’t have to drink but it would probably make me less miserable and we could get whiskey. And I really really wanted to. And it wouldn’t make me an alcoholic to have a couple of beers on this Friday night.

But then I thought about how next weekend is Easter so I have the Friday and Monday off, and that’ll make it really hard not to drink three nights in a row, and if I don’t have a hard and fast rule against drinking at all that I stick to now, then next weekend I will end up drinking Thursday and Friday and Saturday night.

I have ended up drinking on a few weekends in the last month. The ones when my roommate was out of town coaching tournaments. I end up feeling like it’s a waste of an opportunity if I have the house to myself and don’t drink. Because I’ve spent so many nights getting drunk alone in my room, which I enjoy so much and makes me very happy, but if I know someone else is home, I can never 100% relax and enjoy it to the fullest extent, because I’m self-conscious about making noise. But if I have the place to myself all night, I can play music or videos out loud, not worry about it, I think that’s the only time I ever truly relax. So if I have that opportunity on a night when I don’t have to work the next day, it feels like a waste if I don’t use it.

The main season’s just ended, so my roommate will be home most weekends for a while, which is probably for the best. He and I have also been drinking buddies for many years, so it’s not like him being around will stop me from drinking. But I don’t need to drink around him. He and I have drunk a lot of alcohol over a lot of nights together over the years, but I’ve never felt concerned by that thing people say, that if you need to drink around someone to enjoy their company then they’re not a good friend. He and I have also spent a lot of time together sober and we greatly enjoy that. I mean, tonight was a bad example, we went out and he was drunk and I was sober and I had a shit time. But I was going to have a shit time no matter what. The point is that usually, we have a good time together with or without alcohol. So even though he’s a guy with whom I normally drink, him being home more won’t cause me to drink more because I don’t need alcohol to enjoy his company. I’m much more likely to drink when left alone, because apparently I do need alcohol to enjoy my company.

I didn’t order any alcohol. But I did start to get so depressed about not having any life updates, and so overwhelmed by how loud the pub was, and found it so difficult to be surrounded by alcohol and not allowed to drink, that I nearly started crying at the table, and then got up and walked home before our mutual friend arrived. My roommate stayed there, he and our mutual friend are presumably there now, drinking beer and having fun like normal people. I got home, felt vaguely numb and out of it, sat down, wrote this post. Because I still feel like shit and would like to share something. I don’t do this often, but if anyone’s got a nice picture of a cat or something for cheering up miserable people, and you wanted to share that with me at the moment, I’d appreciate that.

The margin between drinking and not drinking tonight was razor thin, I came very close, and to be 100% honest, I think it would have gone the other way if I hadn’t happened to listen to a particular radio episode on the bus home from work today. John Robins has been reading out his terrible terrible diaries from when he first started stand-up, and they’re really interesting from a comedy nerd perspective, but also, they’re from 2005, when he’d recently quit drinking. The diary entries chronicle him trying to quit cigarettes, failing, realizing that going a day without smoking makes him desperately crave a drink and drink is the lesser of two evils so he started smoking again because he wanted to protect his sobriety from alcohol. Sobriety that we know lasts another year or so until he starts drinking again, but does end up successfully weaning off cigarettes and into vaping, so that’s less bad. And eventually quits drinking again too, but not for many years.

I started at the pint on the table and thought about John Robins in 2005 talking about how miserable it was to try to stay away from an addiction, these really stark and familiar descriptions of just feeling terrible all the time and thinking you can’t do that, but even in that he knew that drinking was the greater evil and it’s worth the misery to protect yourself from it, and those diaries show that that guy was a fucking idiot (seriously, they’re horrifying) but even he knew that much, and managed to stay away from it successfully (for about a year but eventually did it again), and that pretty much tipped the balance in the razor thin margin of whether to order a beer and stay out with my friend and meet my other friend and probably end up having fun tonight, or get up and walk home and sit in the house by myself feeling terrible. I picked the latter, and am currently having trouble remembering why that was in fact the better idea. But it helped that I could remember other people have found this as difficult as I do and still managed to make the smarter choice.

I should really go for a run again. That’s one of the few things that gives me a feeling like drinking does, if I push really really hard and run until I’m absolutely burned out, and for a little while can’t feel anything and feel like I’ve pushed my brain out of its usual position and everything’s okay until that wears off. It’s temporary after a run, it only feels like that until I recover, which is about ten minutes after I stop running. As opposed to drinking, where the feeling lasts for as many hours as I decide to keep drinking. But still, it’s something, I need to do more of that.

I wrote so many of these over-sharing personal posts earlier in the year when I first tried to stay away from alcohol, then I started hating myself for posting so much personal stuff so I tried to stop, but it’s a bad night so I’m doing it again. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life but I'm hoping I'll at least hate myself less tomorrow morning than I would have hated myself if I'd stayed out and ordered a beer and a shot of whiskey and just had a good time like I used to.

[romanarose]

Sunshine, Starlight, Sweetheart, Brightside: Chapter 16

Masterlist

Steven Grant X OC X Marc Spector

Fic Summary: Steven meets Sam and they strike up a quick relationship, both kindhearted and loving, they fall fast. But both have a lot going on. Steven had Marc and Moon Knight, and Sam has mental health problems of her own. Slowly, Steven starts to put together pieces of her story as Sam starts to get to know Marc and Jake. The four of them learn to navigate Sam's depression, family, and traumatic past as Sam helps Steven Marc and Jake navigate each other.

Chapter Summary: Steven goes out for drinks with Sam's friends, Jess isn't a huge fan, shinanagins ensue, a fun lil ending. I got you guys some good Jake content. Have fun with Jake, Marc and Steven interacting!!!

WARNINGS: Alcohal use, excessive drinking, creepy guy, fighting

For the fight scene, I need y'all to watch this video and pay attention to the last move where Oscar swings his legs around the guy, THATS what I'm talking about in the upcoming scene

Bold is Steven's thoughts

Italics is Marc

Red is Jake.

ENJOOOOYYYY

What’s the plan, Steven?

“What are you talking about? I already met them.”

Yes, and now you need to win them over

“Sam doesn’t want me to ‘win over’ anyone, she wants me to be myself”

 Elena likes you but Jess is warey.

“What? Since when?”

Don’t over think it. She’s just protective.

“Like when you were met Sam?” Steven teased.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Just be yourself and she’ll warm up to you.

“I’ve been dating her longer than you, I think I can handle it.” Steven approached Sam’s door and knocked

Jessica opened the door “Hi Steven, Elena is finishing up Sam’s make-up in the bathroom.” She let him in and motioned for him to take a seat, smiling lightly, but not enthusiastically. 

Steven squirmed. “Hey Jessica” He sat as instructed “You look nice…” Don’t be creepy I’m being polite, she does look nice! Don’t compliment her friends, dumbass You Americans always take compliments as flirting, fuck off.  I can’t stand you two. Shut up Shut up

“Thanks Steven, so do you.”

See? “Thank you.”

Silence. Ok loverboy, whats the grand plan now? Since when are you involved? I’m bored. Let him be Marc, maybe he can be helpful. Well? You gonna be helpful? Probably not.

“Always thinking…” Jessica comments, snapping Steven out of it

“Pardon me?” Steven looked up at where Jessica was standing.

She was studying him, leaned against Sam’s counter. “You’re always a bit in your head, aren’t you? It’s like you’re always trying to sort something out. You’re eyes always always seem to dart around… Like you’re having a conversation with yourself.”

Oh god Good luck

Steven gave a nervous smile “I supposed I am a bit in my head, yeah?” He paused as she continued to look at him “You aren’t too fond of me, are you?” Why would you say that? He’s being direct, that’s kinda his thing.

Jessica’s expressions softened “It’s not personal. I just worry about her.”

“I do too.”

“I know you do. But it’s just my job to watch out. Sam is an idealist, as I’m sure you know. She see’s the best in people. Her naivety has brought danger and makes people target her. They think she’s easy to take advantage of, one way or another. I’m not saying you would-”

Steven stood up “No, but I understand what you’re saying. You don’t have to like me but I’m glad she has someone else looking out for her. Someone has to, because it isn’t her.”

“And what about you?”

Steven smiled again “I try my best, but it’s always helpful to have a team. I think she needs it.”

Jessica smiled at him, stepping closer. “You’re sincere. I like that about you.”

Before Steven could respond, Sam exited the bathroom with a squeal.

Jess leaned in “They did pregame shots.”

Steven matched her lean, but kept his eyes on Sam “Not you?”

“Someone has to watch the drinks.”

Sam looked beautiful as always. Her dress was red and velvet long sleeves, it was short with a little flare at the end and she wore her thick wool legging. Her auburn hair was curled, not by her natural curl but he assumed by Elena.

“Sam, love you look stunning” Steven went in for a kiss but she pulled away.

“Aht! No messing up my lip stick!” Her lipstick was a deep red and glossy to match the dress.

Steven held her head, careful to only touch in her hair so he didn’t mess up the contour and blush, he tilted her and kissed her forehead. “Better?”

“Much better” She went in to kiss him, then caught herself, settling to pat Steven on the head “Good boy” She giggled.

Elena grabbed onto Sam, pulling her away “Alright, that’s enough. Hi Steven.” Elena went to pour more shots “Jessica, you are taking one of these” She pulled out a bottle of tequila rose.

“No way, I’m the designated adult”

Sam whined “You’re always the designated adult”

“Because you have a drinking problem and Elena gets drunk off of one mixed drink!”

“I don’t have a drinking problem…” Sam muttered, but smiled as she poured her shot to the brim.

Steven interjected “Jess, I can be the ‘designated adult’, you have fun with them.”

“No way” Jess held up her hand “You only get two drinks the entire night. That’s the rule. You gotta watch the drinks and watch out for everyone. I’m used to it, you enjoy yourself. I know you havn’t seen Sam in forever.”

“I’LL BE THE ADULT!” Sam shouted after she finished the shot.

“Sam, that’s your 3rd drink, you’re already disqualified.” But Jess was smiling at Sam with nothing but love. She turned to Steven “I have this job down to a science. It’s okay, they are my girls.”

Steven grabbed the 3rd shot Elena had poured and handed it to Jess “Take it. I wasn’t planning on drinking much anyway” This was true. When Elena had called Steven that night he had to find her, she had said she’ll wonder off with anyone while drunk. He intended to keep an eye on her. “Go have a girls night. I’ll watch out for you guys, I promise.”

Jess looked hesitant, but grabbed the shot “Okay, but I’m not getting super drunk so if anything goes wrong, we’ll both deal with them. Jess took the shot and grabbed Elena’s arm “Come on love, out we go.”

Steven took Sam’s hand and followed Jessica’s lead.

Jess lied. She got drunk. Very drunk. All three did. Steven did as he promised and kept an eye on all the drinks, and made sure to keep track of Elena and Jess’s whereabouts in addition to Sam. As he watched Sam dance with her friends to some One Direction, he was relieved to find how happy she was. Carefree, joyful. It was her usual self but amplified and without the burdun of anything besides buying another drink. He watched her when men approached, she’s talk and be friendly of course, that was her nature. Anyone might mistake it for flirting. But Steven knew when she was flirting. Her flirting was obvious. This? This was her just in love with the high of life. Sam loved people. Despite everything, she loved meeting new people and making new friends. Even after Jordan, she still made friends with anyone. He loved that no matter what, it seemed no one could take that youthful exuberance, the lust for life and that shine in her eyes.

So.  Jake started

What? 

When are you guys gonna deal with her drinking problem

Oh shut up, I’ve seen drinking problems, getting drunk every few weekends isn’t a drinking problem.

What do you mean Jake

Start paying attention to how often she drinks. Especially when she’s upset. And I’m not the only one, Jessica thinks so too.

Jake, Steven and her have been dating for 2 months. I don’t think it’s exactly enough time for us to be judging her drinking habits.

Fine, but when she’s in the hospital for alcohol poisoning, don’t come crying to me.

Jesus christ, Jake.

Steven considered his words, however. He had a point. She did seem to drink a lot. But there was no time to consider this further, he looked over to Elena and immediately stood up. She was on the dance floor, and some guy had come up behind her, trying to dance with her but when she tried to step away, he wrapped an arm around her waist. As Steven made his way over, Elena tried to get free, but her petite frame was nothing against the man’s grip.

“Hey! Let her go.” Steven called out, getting Jess and Sam’s attention.

The man took his arm off her waist, but his hand gripped Elena’s arm, keeping her with him. He then stepped up to posture at Steven. “Got a problem Mate?”

Sam had yanked the mans grip from her friend and gently pushed Elena away, into Jess’s arms.

The man was significantly taller than Steven, and although Sam was about Steven’s height she still felt defensive of him. Sam stepped between the two of them, facing the man “Back off!” She shouted, then felt a hand on her arm. Steven, give me the body. You aren’t the only one who can fight

“Sam, go with Jess, I got this.” You can’t summon the suit here, you gotta fight without it.

Sam didn’t listen.  I’m not trying to get in a fight If I have to take over, you aren’t going to like it. Get Sam away Steven

The large man looked at Sam, slightly confused. “Are you his bodyguard?” He teased.

She cocked her head “Maybe I am, what are you gonna do about it?”

Before Steven could do anything, the man shoved Sam to the side, knocking her over and punching Steven in the gut Takethebodytakethebody Marc thebodytakethebody oh my godtakethebody

That’s what I thought. Marc took over, dodging the next punch and decking the man in the face.

Sam wanted to yell at them, try to stop them, but she didn’t want to distract Marc. She knew it was Marc as soon as his face set into that determined look he had. 

Marc was in his fighting stance, she had never seen him fight before, it was much different from Steven. When Steven saved her all those weeks ago, Steven was direct, simply trying to stop the man. Marc was a bit different. Marc was a fighter.

He stood crouched a bit, light on his feet as he practically danced around the burly subject. He dodged almost every hit. Sam stifled a scream as she saw Marc take a hit to the mouth, but it didn’t look hard. Jessica had helped her stand up.

Faking a British accent the best he could, Marc asked “Are you done yet?” Marc had landed a particularly hard punch near the man’s eye, causing him to stumble back. To Sam’s horror, the man pulled out a knife. This time Sam did scream, causing Marc to glance over, fists open and loose to check she was okay. 

Sam took a step to go to Marc, but Marc needed her to stay out of this. “Jess!” He called, hoping she wouldn’t notice the accent change.

Marc…  I got it

Jess grabbed Sam to prevent her from going to Marc. The man changed Marc, but Marc was quick. He grabbed the hand holding the knife, swung his legs around him, landed on the floor with the knife extended and in Marc’s control, and Marc’s legs wrapped around the man’s throat.

Finally, the bouncers came, taking the knife and removing Marc “Get out! Your banned!”

“HE PULLED A KNIFE ON ME!” He forgot to mask his accent.

“Steven, lets go” 

Marc glanced over to see Sam. She was holding his arms, smiling gently. Jess and Elena look scared shitless. Great. They were gonna hate him now. He let Steven take the body back.

Steven was panicking as they were ushered out of the club, Jess was going to chew his ass… Sam held his arm the whole time.

But when they got outside, he was surprised to find Elena pulling him into a tight hug “My hero!”

He looked at Jess “That was pretty impressive, Steven. Where did you learn all that?”

Steven was relieved to see that Jess wasn't mad, but looked impressed.

Sam piped up “Steven took martial arts all throughout high school!” She lied.

Steven ordered an Uber. He intended on riding with and getting the girls home safe, but Jess insisted it was fine, she had Elena and it would be the opposite direction Steven and Sam needed to go. Elena thanked Steven for helping her, and Jess thanked him as well. Steven didn’t need the thanks, but it did make him feel good.

Sam and Steven opted to walk home “Think they noticed the accent switch?” He asked

“If they say something, I’ll just say they were drunk.”

Steven laughed “You just going to gaslight your friends to keep my little secret?”

“Yes, yes I will.” She gasped excitedly “A KARAOKE BAR!!” She shouted. “Can we please? Just for a bit?!”

Steven was tired and his lip hurt, but she just looked so excited. Just say yes, how can we say no to that face?

“Your wish is my command”

“My wish is that you sing” She began pulling him inside.

“Maybe not that…” He mumbled.

Sam sighed up immediately. They ordered a round, Steven feeling he could let down his guard just a bit.

“You doing Stevie Nicks? You always sing her so pretty, love” Steven loves waking up to her singing when she cooked him breakfast in the mornings, singing her favorites

“Thank you Sweetheart. But I decided to switch it up.” She sipped her cranberry vodka.

When it was Sam’s turn, she got on the stage looking nervous. “Steven Marc, this is for you” She said their name as if it was one for the crowd.

She sang Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run.”

“Wendy let me in, I wanna be your friend, I wanna guard your dreams and visions”

Steven was in aw. It wasn’t that Sam was good. She wasn’t bad, she was better than average. That wasn’t really the thing that got him.

“We'll run till we drop, and baby we'll never go back

Will you walk with me out on the wire

'Cause baby I'm just a scared and lonely rider”

It was the way she smiled broadly, the way she put herself out there, the way she was always ready for the next adventure.

“I wanna die with you Wendy on the street tonight

In an everlasting kiss”

Marc thought that sounded like heaven, the perfect way to die. Second only to suffocating between her legs.

“Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run”

Steven and Marc gave a standing ovation to which a few people in the bar joined in. Marc ran to catch Sam in his arms, spinning her “Baby you were great” He almost kissed her but pulled back “Am I clear for kisses now?” Sam grabbed his shirt collar and pulled him in.

Steven watched as she sang a few more songs between other bar patrons: Love is a Battlefield, Life after Love, and Boys of Summer, all of which she killed. But Steven wanted to hear her sing Stevie.

“Steven, you’re up next” The DJ called.

Sam turned to Steven, surprised by smiling “When did you sign up?”

Standing up, Steven took her hand “ While you were busy working the crowd during Boys of Summer. Don Henly gave me an idea.” He led her up to the front of the small stage and stepped up.

“How does Marc feel” Sam giggled.

Steven winked “He’ll be less annoyed in a few minutes” 

Sam immediately grinned when the intro to “Leather and Lace” came on.

“Sing with me, my love?”

He held out a hand and assisted her in stepping up onto the stage. He stepped a bit aside to allow her the spotlight.

Stevie Nicks' part came first.

“Is love so fragile? And the heart so hollow? Shattered with words, impossible to follow.” 

Sam looked at him adoringly. Gone was her previous performance, she only had eyes for Steven and Marc, trying to convey the love she felt.

“Still I carry this feeling when you walked into my house, that you won't be walking out the door.”

Steven harmonized along to the chorus with Sam

“Lovers forever, face to face. My city, your mountain, stay with me, stay. I need you to love me, I need you today.”

Would you like to take this one mate? Singing isn’t really my thing buddy I think she’d really like it.

Marc took over just in time to take over Don Henley's part of the song. Sam covered her mouth in shock, her eyes tearing up at the thought that Marc would push apart everything about himself to sing to her.

“You in the moonlight, with your sleepy eyes, could you ever love a man like me?”

She did, good god did she love him. She loved him with everything in her.

“I knew with you to light my nights, somehow I would get by”

Steven took the body back to sing the chorus, taking her hand in his.

“Give to me your leather, take from me my lace.”

The song ended to applause from the crowd. A few couples had scooted closer to each others, holding hands and cuddling.

“Steven, Marc, that was beautiful. I’m gonna remember tonight for the rest of my life.”

She felt his face with her hand, giving him a kiss which Marc quickly deepened, sucking on her lip and giving it a bite before it broke.

“I can’t believe you did karaoke, you sing so beautifully, both of you.” and short pause as Sam considered. “How many drinks do you think it’ll take to get Jake up there”

Marc laughed “Somehow, I don’t think there's enough tequila in this bar for that.

4 shots later, Jake Lockely was on the stage singing “No Me Doy Por Vencido” By Luis Fonsi.

Sam sat with her mouth a gap. She only had heard Jake say a few words in Spanish, most of them Carina. 

She was stunned as she watched him belt out “Pase lo que pase seguiré” with his whole heart.

Jake walked with Sam home, the tequila allowing him to talk more freely than he ever did, even giving the occasional smile and sliding his coat over her to protect from the cold.

Sam wondered if Jake was flirting, but something about his kindness just didn’t feel romantic. She couldn’t get a read on him.

He changed in the bathroom, getting into his Pj’s. Sam knew this was more about giving her privacy to change, but couldn’t help but laugh. It was the same body she had seen a hundred times, but he still hid it. She supposed that was his prerogative. He had to share so much, he might as well feel like something was his.

“Marc and Steven fell asleep, sorry”

He moved to go to the couch, as he always did.

“Jake?”

Jake didn’t turn around, he went to the sink and drank a glass of water, then got a second one “I’m not sleeping on the bed, Muñeca, you don’t have to offer it to me every time.”

“It’s just…”

Jake brought the second glass over to her “Drink”

“I’m not thirsty”

“You will be in the morning. How do you have a drinking problem and you don’t know how to d damage control on a hangover”

“I don’t- ugh. I’m not doing this. Fine” Sam drank the glass.

Jake went to the sink and drank another glass.

“Don’t make me drink another” Sam whined.

Chuckling, Jake replied “I won’t. Just making sure they are fine in the morning.”

Sam shifted in the bed as he went to the couch. 

“Jake… Please? Their neck always hurts when you sleep on the couch.”

Jake turned to her. Her expression was genuine concern.

“I want you to be comfortable too of course, and I know that being in bed with me makes you feel uncomfortable but just… consider it? Or try sleeping differently? Or I can sleep on the couch it doesn’t bother me-”

“Stop” Jake thought for a minute “Fine. Only because it hurts their neck. And if they yell at me for sleeping next you, I’ll telling them to blame you.”

Sam smiled, relieved that Jake was feeling comfortable around her and that Marc and Steven wouldn’t have a sore neck for their dates tomorrow. “It’ll be ok. Thank you Jake.”

“What are you thanking me for?” he settled into the bed. 

“Watching out for them”

*************

Spotify playlist: if you have ideas for more songs, send them in my ask!

THANKS FOR READING!!! I wasn't going to put this out yet, but I see someone is currently binging this fic (thanks for leaving all those likes!!!) So I decided to put this out to give you an extra lil treat!

If you rreeeallllyyy want I can get you the next chapter tonight, I'm pretty excited bc it's got some super cute Jake/Marc/Steven (they are all getting along!!!) adorable Marc X Sam, and some smut! If you ask nicely I'll deliver!

@ahookedheroespureheart @cherryvalentine1 @kr-mlk

#marc spector fluff #moon knight #marc spector moon knight #moon knight fanfiction #steven grant #jake lockely #steven grant x oc #steven grant x reader fluff #moon knight fluff

[lunardoesfandomart]

I need to go ahead and get this off my chest before it slips my mind again

WARNING

IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO VENTS / VENTS ABOUT PARENTS DO NOT LOOK UNDER CUT!

So for the past four years that my mom has been dating this man.. I never noticed anything was wrong with him

I always thought that the way he interacted with her was normal and that maybe he was just an angry person

Its took me four years to realize that he is a narcissist

And now whenever he interacts with me or her I have to remind myself that it's a mental disorder and he can't help it...

For anyone who isn't aware of what I'm talking about ;

(This information was received from a web search , as I am not in the emotional state to try to explain it properly)

!!!TW; dr-g mentions , alcoh-l mentions , suic!d3 mentions!!!

Narcissistic personality disorder

Also known as: NPD

Medically reviewed by

Dr. Abhimanyu Chandak

 

Symptoms

If you are experiencing new, severe, or persistent symptoms, contact a health care provider.

Symptoms may vary from person to person. The most common symptoms include:

Being overly boastful, exaggerating one’s own achievements

Pretending to be superior to others

Lack of empathy for others

Looking down on others as inferior

Monopolising conversations

Impatient, angry, unhappy, depressed or has mood swings when criticized

Easily disappointed when expected importance is not given

Always craves for “the best” in everything

Has a very fragile self-esteem

Complications

If untreated, complications may include:

Disturbance in social relationships – at home, school, and/or office

Depression

Drug and/or alcohol abuse

Suicidal thoughts

〰〰

its been getting harder and harder to communicate with him without him growing angry because he doesn't agree with what we say..

The only reason I had discovered he had this was based of an example video where someone said "guess this mental disorder"

Which followed with a series of examples that seems much to like the way my dad talks to my mom and I. ..

I am not asking for help, dont get me wrong

I just thought I'd share my journey with you , as you might be going through the same thing and this might be the post that helps you realize the same way I did!

[makemoneybestway]

Beauty Tips

Who said beauty can be achieved only by spending a fortune on cosmetic products? If you feel so, then let me tell you one thing that it is a big mistake. Cosmetic products can be harsh on the skin as well as heavy on the pocket.

• So I urge everyone to go natural to get gorgeous to save some money and your delicate skin too. Nature has a wonderful product in its kitty which can go a long way in beautifying you naturally. Yes, I am talking about tomato which is a huge reservoir of beauty-enhancing properties. The good news is that you can easily get it in your kitchen larder.

• This article has come up with the best 11 beauty benefits of tomato. All these beauty uses of tomatoes are very easy to use. Read on to know how to use tomato juice in your beauty applications.

Beauty benefits of tomato

1. You can use tomato juice to shrink the open pores of your face. Combine 2 -4 drops of lemon juice with one spoon of tomato juice. Apply it on your face and keep it on for 15 minutes. Next, rinse it off with lukewarm water to shrink the open pores.

2. Mash a tomato and spread its pulp evenly on your face. Keep it on your skin for one hour before rinsing off. Finish off with a good moisturizer. Your acne will lessen after regular use. Tomato has cooling properties to soothe the skin and astringent properties to absorb the excess oil from the face, which help in lessening the acne.

3. Cut a tomato in half and press into blackheads. Rinse off and follow with moisturizer. Rubbing tomato slices on blackheads is a top-time tested home remedy for curing ugly blackheads of the face.

4. Take out the juice of a tomato and blend its juice with cucumber juice. Afterwards, dip a cotton ball in this solution and apply it on your face daily. This preparation controls the oiliness of your face and keep acne at bay.

5. Mix 2 spoons of tomato juice with 4 spoons of buttermilk. Apply it on your skin. Wash off after 30 minutes. Try this home remedy to heal and soothe your sunburnt skin. It is said that the nutrient lycopene found in tomato shields the skin from the harmful ultra-violet rays.

6. If your skin is raw, burnt,irritated, and dull, then tomato and yogurt mask can be a rescue to your lacklustre skin. Apply tomato juice mixed with yogurt on the skin and rinse off after 20 minutes with lukewarm water. Yogurt imparts a healthy shine and protein boost to the skin and tomato neutralizes the skin's surface while cooling the skin.

7. Apply tomato juice and honey on your face and let it dry for 15 minutes before washing off. This home remedy works very well in giving you a fair and glowing complexion. Tomato is bursting with the power of vitamin A and C, which help to brighten the dull skin. So, enjoy the benefits of applying tomato on your face by using this home remedy.

8. Just eat a tomato in the morning to lose the unwanted and ungainly fat deposited in your body. You can drink tomato juice also twice a day to reduce weight. You can drink tomato juice just ten minutes before you eat to reduce the appetite. It surely works because it stops the fermentation and rotting in the intestines. Through fermentation sugar and alcohol is created in our body that leads to weight-gain.

9. Just apply tomato juice or tomato slices on your hair to increase the natural PH of your hair and get back its natural colour. Tomato is a natural conditioner that gives the hair a natural shine.

10. Apply tomato pulp on your dandruff-infested scalp for 30 minutes and then wash off with shampoo to treat dandruff.

11. Mix tomato juice with avocado to make a wonderful cleansing mask for the combination skin. Avocado's hydrating and antiseptic properties mixed with tomato's astringent power do wonders for the combination skin.

For more information you can check on given link below:-

#new beauty cream #beauty tips #skincare #health

[ordonianhero]

Getting a bit personal here. I got pancreatitis because of my drinking habits. I went and got sober in Feb 2019- then in April 2019 I was hospitalized for it. I was not drinking, but my body was unable to properly heal it self. I was in the hospital till September 2019. So when going through what I have, I did a lot of reflection and growing from the experience. Yes I slipped, it’s happens. However I do have help. So when I make posts of Twilight reacting to warriors drinking it’s because that is my mood. I use to be that person who showed I was drinking and having food. I was that person. I oddly feel I have explain things, when I am sure nobody really cares. Looks, I am glad you are enjoying a drink or out drinking with friends, however it does not make you look great when you just litter your own social media with “look at my drink, I am drunk now.. woohoooo!” Like I was that person, so I know! However it makes me concerned when all anyone I know post just a lot of drinking photos. I make me wonder like “I know you are not drinking to excess for just fun reasons. Something is going on and you feel alcohal is the only way to deal with it.” It’s moments like that I just groan. Talk to your friends, be open about when you are having an issue, instead of posting publically how drunk you are because life is getting rough. I literally will listen and comfort anyonenone of my friends right now if they needed to vent, if it could help prevent them making themselves look poorly online. You may not care now, but years later you will look back and go “ooof did I really do that?!” Yeah bruh, you did. Please drink responsibly and don’t forget water. You are loved and cared about.

#alcohal #personal #sobriety #think about what you post sometimes #linkeduniversetwilight #linkeduniversecosplay #modern day link #au #LU #cosplayer

[thecovidiaries]

Day 1

Yeah, instead of being clever, I figured to just label with days because knowing me, I would spend too much time on a title and then never actually getting to the content. So, there you go. 

Hi, everyone, my name is Meredith and I’m an alcoh-- I mean.. (The Office reference for any of you “men of culture.”)

Yes, I talk with a million references and some will be obvious, and some will be very sly. In any case, let the show begin. 

I am no one special. Just your average hoo-man stuck quarantined like the rest of the world. I am sure one of these days there will actually be a TV show about the pandemic, but not for a good 20 years after it’s all calmed down. You did hear that right. We’re in the midst of a quarantine for anyone literally living under a rock -- I am talking to you Jared Leto. 

COVID-19, otherwise known as the corona virus disease or colloquially corona or the ‘rona™, is a nasty little coronavirus with symptoms characteristic of the flu, common cold, or allergies, but much, much deadlier. It is approximated to be the flu on steroids by like 10 times so you would definitely know if you got it... after awhile. It could take up to 14 days for you to show any symptoms so while Karen could be out at Walmart hoarding toilet paper (yes, that happened rock dweller), she could be spreading the virus to each and every Joe and Jane also stockpiling for the apocalypse taking the virus with them to their underground bunker. This virus originated in Wuhan, China, thanks to eating bats once again and has spread to each of every 192 countries and 6 continents. 

Thus, Antarctica is our sanctuary so we, the human race, moved there. Kidding! Really though, much of the world has shut down leaving mutant gorillas to take over lands and claiming this civilization as their own. Okay, this one is real I promise. Stock markets have been bearish, pollution has decreased, and Earth’s vibrations have quieted down. It’s crazy times we are living in. 

The United States is oh so #winning as always leading in number of cases and deaths. This upper respiratory sickness is easily spread, some arguing now that we should all wear masks, and thus containing it has been all but impossible. Hospitals are running out of PPE and ventilators, people are dying, and no one truly knows whether or not we’re going to make it. Therefore, we seriously are quarantined until some future Nobel [insert category here] winner discovers the first vaccine and/or treatment. Where’s House when we need him? Oh, right. He jumped on his motorcycle riding into the sunset. 

Anyways, so here we are. I feel like I just told you the Olaf version of a pandemic. What a world! You might now ask yourself, “So what is the purpose of this blog?” First and foremost, this is not a CDC-affiliated, approved, or recommended blog! If you want serious information, check here. 

This blog is also not affiliated with any government, healthcare provider, or even healthcare insurance. I am not a physician, nurse, therapist, pharmacist, laboratory technician, dentist, phlebotomist, veterinarian, occupational health and safety specialist, optometrist, psychiatrist, psychologist, massage therapist, dietitian, anesthesiologist, chiropractor, podiatrist, obstetrician, speech-language pathologist, MD, DO, PT, PA, RN, CNA, OBG-YN, or any other kind of medical professional you can even loosely affiliate with! 

I am not even another type of essential worker like police, firemen, EMTs, firemen, cooks, grocers, trash collection, custodians, reliability engineers, medical manufacturers, scientists, lawyers, social workers, nursing home staff, steel mill workers or any other essential worker who is potentially exposing themselves to a dangerous world. I am simply a self-isolating individual like many of you. To those who are on the front lines though, I love you and appreciate you. 

This blog is simply a written version of my thoughts, and feelings... gross. There you go again, hiding vulnerability behind a mask of humor and sarcasm! I love me. Seriously though, I am writing this just for kicks, and if someone even just one person, can take away a smile from this, then I know that it has been worth it. 

That’s all for now! Who knows, April has just begun. I am anticipating this month’s disaster to be either the Cascadia Subduction Zone earthquake or Yellowstone volcano. The US could seriously be in for it. Okay, bye! 

#diary #blog #quarantine #dayone #journal #daily entry #notamedicalprofessional #nonessential #funsies

[sunsetscurving]

Oh, Cruel Fate (Enemies to Lovers AU)

Ch. 4

The Demaurys and the Lallemants had been enemies for over one hundred years. And when Lucas first meets Eliott, he hates him with his whole heart even without knowing him, blaming him and his family for his life which is slowly falling apart. But when they are forced to live alongside in the same surrounding, something is changing between them. And this scares Lucas more than anything else.

Lucas entered the hospital and wanted to leave immediately. He hated the smell, all the clean and white surfaces. He always connected all of this to his mum, the memories from better years slowly fading away, only the smell of disinfection spray lasting in their places.

He pulled his backpack tighter, trying to calm his racing heart while he walked down the known hallway, the doctors and nurses greeting him, already knowing his face.

He tried really hard not to think about the confrontation with Eliott Demaury. And he failed hard. Really hard. He always recalled his face, how he didn’t even react when Lucas threw all these things and words at his head.

He was sorry. You could have just let it slide, Lucas.

But he didn’t want to. He and his family were the reason why he had to be in this hospital now.

“Monsieur Lallemant?”

A nurse was coming towards him, a young woman which Lucas didn’t recognize – maybe she was new, maybe he didn’t pay enough attention last time.

“Yeah, that’s me. Can I see my mum?”

“Yes, of course. She is already waiting for you.”

Lucas followed the nurse as if he wouldn’t know the way to the room of his mum by heart. He tried to ignore the whispers from the other visitors, tried to ignore the thousand eyes on him. He didn’t want any more gossip about him and his family and the last thing he wanted was that the media found out about his mum being here.

The nurse opened the door for him and Lucas slipped in, immediately closing the door behind him.

“Mum.”

He stood a few meter away from the bed, staring at his mum. She was pale. Her eye bags were dark purple. She looked like she hadn’t slept in years and it hurt Lucas so much to see her like that. He took a deep breath as his mum turned her face towards him, her dull eyes lighting up a bit when she saw him.

The depression started, when Lucas’ dad Jack forbid her every contact with the Demaurys, when he started to forbid her to go out alone, when he started to spy on her, to read her letters, to check her phone. His mum slowly but surely withdraw. She withdraw from her work, from her son, from her life. It was getting worse and worse with every passing day. And now they were here. At the end of the line.

“Lucas. My dear. Come here.”

Lucas obeyed and walked to his mum, sitting on the edge of her bed. He took her hand in his and Lucas asked himself if she has always been this skinny. Or if the illness was also the reason for this.

“Mum, the doctors told me, that you don’t want to take your pills. Why is that?”

“The pills make me forget. They make me forget the pain, yes. But they also make me forget what is real and what is not real. And before taking my pills, I wanted to see you. Ask you, how you are doing. I’m sure that I can leave very soon. We could drive to the sea again, you, dad and I, together, as a family.”

“Mum.”

“I could cook for all of us. Do you remember the little house on the coast? Where we used to go every summer? Do you think it’s still available this year?”

“Mum. Please.”

“Lucas, love, why are you crying?”

He didn’t even realized that he had started to cry. For the second time today. Lucas was usually strong but there were days where even he couldn’t handle all of this anymore.

“I am crying, because these are illusions, mum.”

His mum looked at him with wide eyes.

“The things you’re talking about, about us going on vacation together. This will never happen again. Never. We are not a family anymore. We are a bunch of people, pretending to be there for each other when in reality, my so called dad hurt you, my mum, and another family determines the course of our life.”

“Honey, you don’t know, what you’re talking about. Dad only wanted –”

“Dad nearly punched you unconsciousness. If I hadn’t been there to stop him, I don’t know how far he would have gone. And all of that because of that stupid Demaury.”

“It was my decision, not his. It’s not his fault. This feud started one hundred years ago, you cannot blame Laurent for anything, you cannot blame me for falling in love.”

“WAKE UP, MUM!”

Lucas couldn’t stop himself. He rarely screamed at his mum. He loved her with all his heart and although things were really difficult, he cared deeply for her and would do anything to see her smile. But too much happened in the past days, weeks, years. Lucas felt like he was being ripped apart by life and he just wanted to be… okay again. Only for one day. For one hour. For one minute.

His mum flinched, slowly pulling her hand away from Lucas. He stood up, pacing through the room, his hands clenched into fists again.

“All of this wouldn’t have happened if the Demaurys would not exist. You would’ve never met Laurent, you would’ve never developed feelings, Dad would still be with us, with you and everything would be fine. And now this… this stupid boy Eliott is ruining my school life, too.”

“What?”

Lucas halted and stared at the wall in front of him. He originally didn’t want to talk about Eliott to his mum, she already had enough to think about.

“The youngest Demaury is in your school? How so? Since when?”

His mum was slowly sitting up, looking at him with big eyes.

“Forget it, Mum. Just… forget it.”

“Lucas, you are the only hope that this feud is going to end. You and Eliott. The boy is at your school now? You can finally make an end to all of this. Start a friendship with him, try to talk. Everything will be okay in the end.”

“But I don’t want it to end”, Lucas said through gritted teeth, tears leaving wet traces on his cheeks. “They deserve everything. They deserve the pain because they gave us enough pain for a whole fucking life time.”

“Lucas… You cannot think like that.”

His mum sounded shocked and Lucas turned around to her, looking at her wide eyes. A part of Lucas didn’t think like that at all. But the impulsive Lucas, the Lucas who missed his family and his former life before everything went downhill, this Lucas thought exactly like that.

“You have to stop dreaming, Mum. I cannot end this feud, not like this. Not with so many things between us and this family.”

“But –”

“NO! Don’t you understand this, Mum? Because of them, you are here.”

Lucas took a deep breath and looked straight at his mum from the other end of the room.

“Do you really think that you can leave soon, Mum?”

“Yes, of course. I—”

“You will not leave soon”, Lucas said, raising his voice even more.

“Today is one of your good days. Maybe tomorrow you won’t even recognize me anymore.”

Tears were rolling down his cheeks, uncontrollably. His mum was crying now, too.

“Lucas, I’m—” His mum started to shake, her breathing quickened. Lucas didn’t realize all of this.

“I’m sorry Mum, but I’m not your little boy anymore. And I won’t forgive this family for what they have done to me. To you. To us.”

And suddenly, the machines, which his mum was hooked up to, started to beep loudly and in a high tone. Lucas’ eyes widened and he was by his mum in two strides, the feud and everything forgotten within seconds.

“Mum?”

Lucas was shaking, staring at his mum.

What have I done?

The doctors told him often enough not to upset her, not to argue with her. He was supposed to be there for her today, she wanted to see him and talk to him about his day, about his life. Like a good mum was supposed to do. And he came in and produced his anger against the whole world on his mum, who couldn’t do anything for it.

His mum’s whole body was shaking now and Lucas panicked. His mind was spinning and the adrenaline kicked in, paralyzing his thinking.

“I’m… I’m going to get help. Everything will be fine, Mum.”

Lucas ran on the hallway, nearly tripping over his own feet in his hurry and screamed his lungs out, calling for help while crying silently the whole time.

Nurses and doctors stormed into the room and Lucas turned around again, standing in the doorway, watching his mum in panic. Lucas repressed a sob. A doctor was suddenly standing before him, talking to him. He didn’t saw him coming, he looked through him straight to his mum who was being held on the bed by three nurses.

What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?

My fault, my fault, my fault.

“Monsieur Lallemant, you have to leave. Now.”

“No, I want to stay. I want to stay with my mum. Please, let me –”

“You really need to leave now. Please, Monsieur. Mademoiselle Duchamp?”

A came towards him, shoving him out of the room and before he could protest even more, the door was slammed into his face and he was on the busy hallway full of people passing by, watching him and chatting and talking.

And he never felt so alone in his life before.

 .

“How is she? Is she getting better soon?”

As the doctor left his mum’s room, he was by his side immediately, his voice broken from all the crying he secretly did on the restroom.

“She will be okay. It’s better for her, if you would leave for today and let her rest. It was a lot for her today”, said the doctor with a slight smile and walked past Lucas. Lucas stood in the hallway, alone again. And he knew that the doctor was right. That she needed rest now. And if Lucas was honest with himself, he was glad not having to face her today after what he did to her.

It seems like the only way his life will be from now on is based on self-destruction, destroying everything he held dear once.

The next days were a blur for Lucas. He went to school, talked with his friends, sat in the class room, took notes. Whenever he passed a mirror, he nearly jumped at what he saw inside. He looked absolutely terrible – pale, deep eyebags from not having enough sleep, spending his nights drinking all the alcohol and even more. Yann asks him more than once a day, if he wants to talk. If something happened, if he needs someone or if they should just hang out for an afternoon, playing video games. But Lucas didn’t want to drag in his best friend in his misery even more. So he withdrew himself from his friends and his social life, ignoring their messages, ignoring their calls.

And most of all, he ignored Eliott.

At least in school.

At night, when he was alone and all the thoughts wouldn’t let him get any rest, he took out his laptop and instead of stopping before typing his name in the search bar, like he did all those months, he spent hours and hours researching, wanting to know everything about this feud and Eliott in general. He owned Eliott an apology. He really did. But every time this thought came to the surface, he pushed it away by drinking more alcohol, forgetting everything for at least some hours.

This night, he really exaggerated his alcohol consume. He already felt dizzy two hours ago but that didn’t stop him from drinking more. His dad had a great collection of wine and vodka and Lucas knew exactly where all of this was stored. So he took out another bottle. And another. And another.

Lucas was browsing through the internet, looking through photos from Eliott and his family. His nightly research started with looking for the trigger regarding this whole fucking feud but, surprise, he didn’t find anything at all.

“Stupid internet”, he mumbled to himself and took another sip from the vodka bottle, some of the spirit spilling on his blue shirt.

He ended up on Eliotts Instagram, not being aware of the fact that he stalked him. Again. Suddenly, he found a video with an interest thumbnail. He opened it and turned up the volume, waiting for something to happen.

Lucas’ lips curled into a smile.

Eliott was out with his friends in this video, spending the night in a karaoke bar, holding a microphone in his hand. He waited for the song to start with a big smile on his face. He never saw the other boy smiling before and it did something to Lucas, it was nearly contagious. It seemed to light up the whole room and Lucas couldn’t help but smile too, the laptop screen slightly blurring in front of him.

And when Eliott started to sing, Lucas jaw literally dropped.

Eliott Demaury had a beautiful voice. He had heard that the Demaurys were talented when it came to art, he saw the drawings on Eliotts Instagram. But he never thought about music. He never thought that Eliott could sing like a fucking angel.

God, I hate this perfect man.

He watched the video once. Twice. He lost count eventually. Eliott seemed to be so free in this video, he seemed so free while singing and while being around his friends, his smile growing even brighter when the crowd applauded and cheered.

There were times, where Lucas smiled like that, too.

At this point, he was too drunk to control his own actions. His fingers nearly worked on their own account, switching to the chat between Lucas and Eliott, writing something and sending the message.

lucallemant: you can sing

lucallemant: pretty, talented boy

Lucas stared at the message and one part of his brain screamed in warning that he should delete the message immediately. But the other part, the part which was he drunk as fuck, won.

And it was too late nevertheless because Eliott already saw the message.

srodulv: is this a question or a statement?

srodulv: you’ve been stalking me again

lucallemant: liar

srodulv: it’s in the middle of the night, don’t you have something better to do than stalking my account?

lucallemant: I need to know my enehmeis

srodulv: your what?

Lucas chuckled like a little kid as he saw that he could not even write properly anymore.

lucallemant: my e.n.e.m.i.e.s.

srodulv: you are drunk

lucallemant: is this a question or a statement??????????????????????????

srodulv: definitely a statement

It bothered Lucas that Eliott seemed to know what was going on with him. He should have never written to him in the first place. He already started to type an answer, ready to end this conversation now, when he a got a message from Yann.

y4z4s: Lulu, you up for partying?

Lucas looked at the message and thought about Yanns message for a moment. He actually wanted to stay in bed all night long, re-watching the karaoke video from Eliott for the thousandth time. But he was drunk. And hell yes, he kind of was up for partying and for getting even more drunk.

lucallemant: where?

y4z4s: At Emma’s, we’re already here and maybe it’s good for you to come out of your house. At least for tonight

lucallemant: I’ll be there in 10 minjgf

He didn’t care about correcting his words and stood up, feeling very dizzy. He searched for his stupid jacket which he saw only minutes ago.

“Helloooooo? Jacket? Where are you?”

He chuckled at his own dumbness, starting to speak to himself and calling clothes as if they would come around the corner magically, but he couldn’t stop himself. At least he didn’t had to think about his mum or his dad in this moment.

But all the alcohol didn’t stop his brain from thinking about Eliott and his voice and his pretty face and his bright smile and -

His phone ringed with a new message just as he found his jacket and he was glad that he didn’t forget the PIN to unlock his phone.

srodulv: hello?

Lucas frowned as he saw the message.

lucallemant: what

srodulv: what are you doing rn?

lucallemant: if you want to know if I’m naked in bed, then the answer is no. you are not my type btw. well, tbh, you are. But your name is a big big no-no. your face is very pretty tho.

Lucas would definitely regret all of that in some hours.

srodulv: I hope you won’t go out like this.

lucallemant: as if you would care

srodulv: no one as drunk as you should be out at this time in the middle of the night

lucallemant: you are not my dad, so shut up

Who do he thought he was? Lucas was not a little child anymore and he didn’t need to justify himself, especially not to Eliott.

lucallemant: if you really care so much, I’m going to the party at Emma’s now. And you are not invited.

And with that, Lucas muted his phone, grabbed his keys and stumbled out of his house, a bottle of wine in his hand, ready to waste himself even more.

#yes the chapters are longer now #at least this one #i usually planed to divide this in two? #nevermind whoopsi #oh cruel fate fanfiction #skam france #skam france fanfiction #skam france fanfic #eliott demaury #lucas lallemant

[earwaxinggibbous]

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2018

As I geared up to make the list of hits for 2018, I was prepared for difficulty, and I wasn’t wrong. Hence why there are a few little cheats here and there. Really anything that even had the potential to be a hit got on this list because the Hot 100 was fucking barren and I figure I’d rather give some exposure to some good artists that didn’t get what they deserved.

I do discuss alcohol/drug use briefly in my number 9 + 6 and abuse in my number 4. Let’s get this shit on the road.

10. Mine - Bazzi

This song is dumb. And I love it.

Mine by Bazzi, who no doubt will not show up on the charts next year, is a song that all of you know even if you think you don’t, because it’s the one with the memes.

You so! Fuckin! Precious! When you! Smiiiiile!

Yeah, it’s that one.

There’s not much to say about this one. It’s a quick and easy listen at only a little over 2 minutes. Bazzi has a nice enough voice, and the production manages to stand on its own. Honestly the reason it’s here is because the lyrics are adorable.

It feels very teenage, but not in the obnoxious way that Lucid Dreams is. It’s just very innocent despite the second line being about hitting it from the back. It’s a kind of innocence I can enjoy mostly unironically.

Like, whatever man. Just enjoy life.

9. Betrayed - Lil Xan

So I wasn’t actually sure when this song charted. I believe it was either late 2017 or early 2018, possibly with some crossover, but I’m counting it because I love this song so much.

Betrayed actually shares a lot of similarities with Juice WRLD’s Lucid Dreams. They were both towards the bottom on each respective list, they both have videos made by Cole Bennet, and they both have a sneaky anti-drug message.

Ironic considering his name is Lil Xan. Also I lied it’s not very sneaky at all. Which is good, if you’re gonna be anti-drug then just fucking do it. The beat is chill, the bars are chill, it’s all super chill. That’s probably in part due to the fact that Lil Xan has a super calming voice. This is weed music. Like Car Seat Headrest. And good weed music can be enjoyed when you’re sober, which Betrayed can be because it just sounds nice.

A good chunk of Betrayed is about the pitfalls of the rap game, and how suddenly everyone turns on you and wants your money, which is kind of neurotic but not entirely inaccurate.

This was actually the plot of a Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake song called Holy Grail from a few years back. And I hate to say it but this song does it way better, because it’s not trying to make fame out to be some horrible demon priestess who’s sucking your soul out of your ass, but rather, more of a lifestyle with very different complications.

Which is what it is.

So Jay-Z got outdone by a 12-year-old with face tats named Lil Xan, and if I heard about that my ego would be deeply, deeply bruised.

The only reason it isn’t higher is because, uh.

Oof, Lil Xan. Come on now.

8. King’s Dead - Jay Rock ft. Kendrick Lamar, Future and James Blake

So a lot of people actually didn’t like this song. Which... I kind of get.

Also apparently this was on the Black Panther soundtrack. I never saw that movie, but a lot of the lyrics on this, at least according to lyric genius, relate to that movie. Which I guess is why I have no clue what it’s about other than the average rap music cliches. The only thing I knew about King’s Dead for god knows how long was this gif of Kendrick eating corn in a palm tree.

I feel like the best argument against this song (other than Future’s high-pitched sampling of Slob On My Knob that made me lose my shit) is that there’s nothing really special about it. I mean yeah, Kendrick has a voice that’s smooth like butter, but King’s Dead has a generic beat and bars that just don’t stand out.

But I don’t know. I just love it.

This is just a nice fun song to chill out to. I can put it on, throw myself into bed, and let the cares of the day shloff off of my body as Kendrick whispers to me in the language of the ancient ones. This is nowhere near his best work, not even remotely close to it. All it is is nice and small and easy to listen to without being completely boring.

Maybe I also just like it because it’s been forever since a rap song really sounded like one. This is partially the fault of Future, who is on this song, and doing the same shit he usually does, but at least the rest of the song sounds like words. It feels like it’s been a whole decade since rap music wasn’t just an autotuned jumble, and while I’m easier on mumble-rap than most, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss good old fashioned regular rap.

Regardless of whether it’s blind nostalgia or some level of actual quality, I enjoy King’s Dead for what it is. It may just be a rock and not a diamond, but it’s my rock and I love it.

7. In My Blood - Shawn Mendes

So like, what the fuck happened with Shawn Mendes? He just kind of got really good all of a sudden. Like when every genre, every artist, every newcomer and every single is shitting the bed, it’s Shawn Mendes of all people to bring it home. That’s like if Charlie Puth turned out to be the savior of music. It’s like if Chingy developed into a rap legend. And this song, In My Blood, is about something we all wanna do! Giving up.

Okay, so that’s not exactly what it’s about. It’s about the feeling of wanting to give up, but refusing to, in a very chronological way. With the verses representing the low points and the chorus representing the swell of energy that forces one to get back on their feet. It’s an incredibly well put-together song where Shawn’s voice is actually put to good use instead of him gargling pus like he did on Treat You Better. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t emote wonderfully on this.

I haven’t heard any of the other singles he’s released around this song, but I’m definitely interested in doing so because In My Blood is an experience, kind of in the same way that like, a really good Panic! at the Disco song is. It just punches you repeatedly. You ever been punched by a song? It feels great. I wish more songs would punch me.

In a lot of ways In My Blood is also nostalgic for me, since it brings me back to an era where I actually got excited about pop music because it was important to me some-fucking-how. And I don’t mean like, I was interested in pop like I am right now. When I was littler my parents basically raised me on old alternative music and jazz, and while I definitely enjoyed it I had literally no idea what other kids at school listened to. The first pop song I remember hearing was Pokerface by Lady GaGa, I was on the school bus, and it sounded like nothing I’d ever heard before. Over time my sister began playing the radio so that her friends at her new school would stop goofing on her for not knowing any pop artists, and hearing all this new music was kind of an experience. Of course after awhile we both moved into individualized tastes and neither of us really listen to the radio unless it’s during the holidays, but hearing In My Blood somehow reminds me of a time when being a hit actually meant something.

It’s a song where you put it on and it just owns the room despite its minimalism, and with tons of easy listening alt-crap hitting the stations nowadays, it’s nice, albeit surreal, to know that Shawn Mendes is the one who gives a shit.

6. Genius - LSD

In case you didn’t know, LSD is the combined efforts of rapper Labrinth, singer Sia and producer Diplo. I hadn’t actually heard of this group until pretty recently, and I wish I had because if you know me, you know about my wretched obsession with Sia. Maybe I’m too forgiving, but I can’t remember a single bad track she’s put out. And Genius is no exception.

Lyrically this song’s a bit lacking, despite the title. But soundwise it sticks like gum, with a layered production. I always say that they should have Sia work with one of these sing-rappers, so having it finally happen is proof that god might be listening to me.

It’s like bubblegum for your brain, it’s sweet, it tastes good, it’s fun and it sticks. Even after only one listen I couldn’t get the tune out of my head. And god knows I just want the charts to be fun for once. No, I don’t think this song charted, which is an absolute shame. LSD should absolutely have the star power to hit the top 100, but I guess this just wasn’t a good year for them.

Regardless, I have heard that LSD plans to do a full project, and after listening to the rest of their short album I am more than excited. The only reason this isn’t higher up is that, judging by the group name I was expecting it to be way more of an acid trip soundwise. It’s definitely hard to compare LSD’s Genius to any other type of pop in recent years, but I feel like that’s moreso because Diplo and company have taken all sorts of elements from all sorts of pop music and sneakily fused them together.

Regardless, Genius is a highly enjoyable listen. Sia’s at top performance as per usual, Labrinth sounds really nice beside her and Diplo’s production is solid. Also I seriously recommend the music video. It’s super weird. I wish animated music videos were more common with pop, to be honest.

5. Better Now - Post Malone

I almost feel like I’ve sinned putting a Post Malone song above a Kendrick Lamar song, but god do I love Better Now.

The Post Malone conversation is still very much underway, with a lot of people saying they hated Psycho because it was boring (which I can get even though I don’t agree) and that they hated Jackie Chan because it was just really really stupid. But, much like Candy Paint, I have yet to hear anyone say they dislike Better Now. And I do honestly believe that he hit it out of the park on this one.

This one’s sort of the reverse of Genius. It has pretty basic trap production, but really nice lyrics. Possibly building on the story from I Fall Apart, though with a slightly more mature outlook, Post talks about an ex-girlfriend who he misses, trying to drown his feelings in alcohol, drugs and expensive stuff in the wake of the relationship.

A total bummer, but Post sells it pretty well.

Like damn. That’s a detail right there.

I mean, I could argue that nobody has a specific drawer for socks they don’t like, but who cares really.

Anyway, unlike I Fall Apart, which was a turn-off for a lot of people because it felt spiteful and juvenile, Better Now doesn’t really place the blame on Post or his ex, which is a much more realistic scenario. Because really, his ex isn’t at fault for no longer being in love with him, but Post isn’t at fault for pining. He’s only human. Judging by the lyrics, the story is that Post was dumped for being a druggie in this song.

Though Lyric Genius also argues this is a reference to the death of Lil Peep, who was close personal friends with Post Malone in real life. If this song is somehow in a weird roundabout way an ode to Lil Peep, honestly it does feel like it’s a good send-up to him from another rapper. Like yeah, a love song might seem weird as a tribute to a dead friend, but it definitely does feel like a mournful, sad song about longing for a close person who’s gone for the long run.

Whether this is a tribute to Lil Peep or just a breakup song, it definitely carries the weight of the emotions, partly since Post just generally sounds sad all the time. And in a year full of pissy break-up songs, this is the one that hits home more than any other for me. If Post is going off of past experience, it shows, and if he isn’t he’s just a really good actor I guess.

4. Freaky Friday - Lil Dicky ft. Chris Brown

This song is the bane of my fucking existence.

Why do I laugh at this? Why do I laugh at jokes about Lil Dicky having a small penis still? Why am I losing my shit at the idea that a white guy in a black guy’s body would immediately wonder if he can say the n-word? Why am I, a grown man with presumably mature tastes, going ‘hee hee hoo hoo’ over the phrase “I’m DJ Khaled! Why am I yelling?” And why the fuck, in the year 2018, am I actively enjoying a Chris Brown song?

Lil Dicky I have a soft spot for. We’re both Jews, we’re both stupid, we both look dead inside in every photograph taken of us. We’re basically like long lost twin brothers. Plus I do think he’s a skilled rapper, with his greatest track easily being Professional Rapper featuring Snoop Dogg, and if it had been my choice, that song would’ve been his first big hit. But no, it had to be Freaky Friday. A song that, for all accounts and purposes, is about as funny as an early Your Favorite Martian song, and yet still makes me roll into a screaming fit laughing my ass off.

I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I’m over the Chris Brown drama just because there’s plenty of worse artists charting right now. Forgetting it would be an offense to everyone involved. Do I think he’s probably matured since? Maybe. But that doesn’t excuse or explain away what he did. But for me to pretend I don’t enjoy this song would be disingenuous, and it breaks my heart to actually enjoy a Chris Brown song. In 20-fucking-18.

Everyone hates this song. And they’re valid, honestly. I just like the chorus, maybe? I don’t know. It’s hardly Lil Dicky’s best work, but fuck me. Of course I had to be the one suffering with the curse of enjoying Lil Dicky’s Freaky Friday to the point that I put it above a ton of songs that are probably objectively better, all because I laugh at dick jokes and love a catchy chorus.

But I will give it credit, this is the first popular comedy song in a long time I’ve been able to get down to. Selfie and What Does The Fox Say made me wanna scoop my eyes out with a melon baller, but of course the fucking Chris Brown comedy song makes me shriek in body-wracking laughter as if I’ve never heard a joke before.

It’s been at LEAST a year since I felt this shitty for enjoying a song, but that’s life I guess. Just enjoying bad music by bad people for bad reasons.

3. High Hopes - Panic! at the Disco

How is it that we’re having a Panic! at the Disco hit in 2018? Whatever, I’m not mad.

I mean, come on. A swelling Brendon Urie anthem about finally being able to achieve your dreams and shit? That’s really all I need on a bad day, isn’t it. Thanks 2018.

I don’t even remember if this song has good production or not. It’s really loud. Everything is loud. Do you think I care if it sounds good? I mean, Brendon sounds good, but like. Biz Markie’s Just A Friend fills me with emotion and it sounds like it’s being sung by a donkey. My standards are not high. Maybe I’d need higher standards to not like this song.

Frankly, I don’t care if the production is bad. Because this song is just good mood music, and I like that it’s loud. I want Brendon to scream in my ear about having high hopes. Do you think I care how it sounds?

No but really. It’s a perfectly well-built song, Brendon performs well on it. Bless this shit though. If there’s anything that represents hope in my mind, it’s Brendon Urie skittering up the side of a building while singing about having high hopes and his mama and whatever whatever. In a year full of dour break-up songs and people dying and abusers getting famous, all you can really have is high hopes. And that’s all there is to it.

2. Neva Lavd Yah! - Dusty Ray Bottoms

Can we all agree RuPaul’s Drag Race is kind of a hack show at this point? I mean, Season 10 was a disaster and so far AS4 has been a disaster too. I’m not even sure why I still watch it at this point.

Anyway, this is kind of a cheat. Neva Lavd Yah! charted on Billboard LGBT, and actually charted pretty high. Not the actual Hot 100, but do you think I care anymore?

So we’re all mad that rock music is dead, and that the only remnants we have of it is Imagine Dragons and other similar garbage. But don’t fret (unless it’s on a guitar) because Dusty Ray Bottoms, queen of my heart, is here to solve that problem. Full electric guitar and drums. No autotune. Just pure Dusty Ray on the track here to kick ass.

I guess Neva Lavd Yah! is a generic “fuck the haters” anthem, but for once I actually believe it. Maybe it’s because it’s being sung by a 50-foot-tall gay man with dots all over his face. Maybe it’s just because, with every drag queen doing techno music, Dusty Ray has done something completely different. God knows I was sick of every drag queen doing overproduced electronica about nothing at all.

Neva Lavd Yah! isn’t polished or clean. It’s screaming and loud and full of passion. Sometimes you’re just a 50-foot gay who wants to yell, sometimes you’re a 5-foot gay who wants to yell. Maybe you don’t feel like yelling right now, but you’ve probably been in that mood before. Neva Lavd Yah! is for when you wanna chill in a garage with an electric guitar and write songs and then scream with your shitty garage band and it’s the 90′s and you’re gay.

Damn right.

And before we move forward,

let’s hit those honorable mentions.

I Like It - Cardi B ft. Bad Bunny and J Balvin

This song really did almost get on the list, and I mean it was like a baby dick’s length away. I almost feel bad that I let Mine on instead. Cardi I am so sorry.

Nice For What - Drake

This was the only good song Drake released this year, and while Drake talking about “strong women” on the same album as I’m Upset seems like bullshit, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t at least kind of a banger.

Now or Never - Blair St. Clair

This was the only other big drag queen hit I remember this year. It was released in the wake of Blair St. Clair coming out about a sexual assault, and while I do think it’s an empowering song, I don’t like the way it sounds that much.

Pray For Me - The Weeknd ft. Kendrick Lamar

How I liked King’s Dead more than this I can’t even explain to you. The beat on Pray For Me rocks my tight ass though. Plus let’s be honest, The Weeknd and Kendrick are a fucking dream team.

I Love It - Kanye West ft. Lil Pump

I can’t hate this. Fucking look at it. They’re in roblox costumes!

Famous Prophets (Stars) - Car Seat Headrest

Not a hit, which is the only thing that kept it off of here. Consider Song of the Summer by Remo Drive, Humanity by Gorillaz and When You Die by MGMT also in this spot.

On to number one, and if you know me you probably know it already.

1. Kamikaze - Eminem

Listen. I don’t care if this didn’t chart. I don’t care if it didn’t get close. I don’t give two fifths of a fuck if Eminem isn’t as good as he used to be. I don’t give a single rat’s ass.

Because I fucking love Kamikaze.

(The song.)

The album was fine, I wasn’t huge on the whole “call out everyone” angle it took. Sure sometimes it landed, but other times, like with the Tyler the Creator diss, it was completely pointless and kind of petty.

But the title song? It bangs.

The lyrics are good, obviously, it’s an Eminem song and he hasn’t been struggling with lyrics since... Revival I guess. The production on Kamikaze is interesting, the chorus is catchy. I just love it. It puts me in a good mood for reasons I cannot explain using words of the English language.

Maybe I just love Eminem too much. But in a year of stolid depression like 2018, all I wanted was for my favorite rapper Eminem to say “fuck” and yell a lot and just be kind of motivational in his weird way. And he did it. And I understand if people don’t enjoy Kamikaze (the song or the album) but I just can’t not love it, it makes me so excited every time I hear that intro. I feel like a child almost.

I saw Eminem live for the first time this year at Governor’s Ball. It was an experience. My feet were killing me because to get good spots, my sister and I had to sit through Chvrches. (Didn’t like them very much.) It was loud and crowded. It started raining, I was cold as shit and tired and this enormous drunk guy in a wifebeater nearly elbowed my head clean off of my shoulders just due to a lack of spacial awareness. And I didn’t even give a shit until it was over.

The music ended, and I realized I was freezing my ass off. And that’s what good music does to a guy I guess. And being able to download a new, really good Eminem song was like capturing that moment in a bottle. A bottle of white boy spite, but a good bottle nonetheless.

Of course I’m biased. God knows if this song is actually better than something like In My Blood or Genius, but I love this song too much to put it any lower than number one.

Whenever I need motivation or I’m just really pissed, this song is here for me to listen to, so I can lose my shit by the side of a man who I’ve literally begun referring to as my dad at this point. And that’s just what I want. A song that I can feel next to. A song that can feel with me. And as good as some of these other songs are, I don’t feel with them like I do with Kamikaze.

See you next year, I guess.

#top 10 #top 10 list #top 10 best hits of 2018 #year end countdown #panda posts #positive review #pop song review

[whatwhump]

Weekly Whump #1 - I Wrote My First Whump AH!

Hi!! I’ve been a reblogger following the Whump community for a while but I finally decided to join in on the fun! I love to write and I really love following writers on Tumblr and reading their new work every week (especially when it’s OC’s in a longer story–I always look forward to new chapters). 

I am going to try my hand at this because I won’t know until I try...so please bare with me as I work on my writing skills! Please feel free to comment constructive criticism and let me know if you’d like to see the follow-up to this (likely lots o’ fluff and comfort my friends). 

(Note: I don’t do noncon and am not that into lengthy, miserable torture UNLESS I get fabulous fluff and comfort!) :D

Anyways I ADORE this trope! Combined a few of my favorite whumps for extra angst and regret later on! 

*TW: Language, blood, hospital, short cutting mention (self defense), alcohal/PTSD/past abuse mentions

Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

     Whumpee stars vacantly at the sepia swirls etched in the grainy, oak door, allowing themselves to fall victim to the hypnotic nature of the wood’s appearance. They know they can’t just stand there dissociating all day; they need to get it over with. Team Lead (TL) had to understand...right?! They would see the Whumpee’s side and understand they were in pain. After all, Whumpee had known them their whole life–of course they’d believe them! 

     Whumpee repeats this mantra in their head and reminds themself it was worth a shot–they were in too much pain to suffer in silence any longer. Wincing a bit due to their stil-healing ribs, they take a deep breath. With a trembling fist, they knock softly on the door. 

Knock Knock. 

     “Come in.”  TL’s  stress is evident in their voice. It is normally smooth and unflustered–Whumpee swallows guiltily at the strain in their words. 

     TL sits behind their desk with an eerily quiet intensity, leaning over it with their hands in a tent pressed up against their lips. As Whumpee enters, they only bother to move their eyes; their glare pierces Whumpee like a hundred knives. It seems to say, “How dare you?!”

     “Sit,” they command, leaning back in their chair. Whumpee’s cheeks burn as they feel TL’s judgement boring through them–its as if they see through them, see into their soul. 

     They sit in silence for a moment and Whumpee shifts uncomfortably. “Okay,” they think. “Just bite the bullet. It’s going to be okay.”

     “TL...I haven’t had the chance to speak with you since...the incident. Everyone is angry–no one will even speak to me. You need to know the truth. You deserve to know the truth.” 

     A slow chuckle progresses into a full-blown cackle–the TL laughing as if the Whumpee has said the funniest thing in the world. 

     “Okay, I’ve gotta hear this. Go for it,” they mock while wiping tears from their eyes. 

     “I...I swear it was nothing like it looked. It was my idea to sneak into the lab with Person A. They’re so kindhearted, and I felt awful when I saw they were down after Villain’s last ploy. I meant for a quick bit of fun–when it turned into us just talking about life. And then…”

     Whumpee stops speaking momentarily and watches, apprehensive, as TL’s chest rises and falls rapidly–their fury mounting by the second–and their hands in bitter fists on the desk. 

     “We...we were messing around with some chemicals, when they took a whiff of something and just...lost it. They…” Whumpee shutters at the memory. “They thought I was Villain. Before I knew it, their hands were around my neck and I grabbed the closest thing to me–a beaker–smashed it on the counter and...a few moments later you and Person B came running in as they fell to the ground.” 

     Whumpee waits for a response. With an eerie sense of leisure, TL walks around their desk and leans up against it so they were facing Whumpee and were inches away. Their face is red and their expression is sour with contempt. 

     “Anything else?” they ask, unconvinced. 

     Whumpee swallows. TL is absolutely enraged. After all, Person A is their significant other…Shit. 

     “Well...um...when-when Person A came after me they-they did more than choke me out. There was a lot of...I guess it was...beating, that lasted a while. Ever since then...I haven’t felt right. I fell onto some glass from that beaker, too, and I have this shooting pain in my abdomen. So I’m wondering if--”

     “I wish I knew what it felt like to experience the luxury of thinking the world revolves around me.” 

     “TL…you can’t even begin to know how s--”

     “Wish I knew how it felt to be as proud as you to have gotten away with this kinda shit. Myself and the others–we’ve never trusted you since the day you joined up! Person A...they were the one who said we should give you a shot. And this is how you repay them, huh? Trying to take their place?”

     “I swear I--”

     “Trying to steal them from me? Don’t think I buy your whole “platonic bonding time” bull shi! You thought that you could seduce them–failed!–and then went to Plan B.” 

     “I would never! I--” 

     By this point, TL is inches from their face. Whumpee stands up as they fruitlessly try to reason with them, their hands outstretched in an attempt to both defend and calm, but TL only steps closer. 

     “People around here talk, you know. And I’ve heard all about you sleeping on the job.”

     “TL, I SWEAR after the incident I’ve just been so exhausted, I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Normally that’s just not me! Please–please I think I need to go to a hospital, I keep getting fevers and chills and--” 

     “A hospital?! WOW, playing the victim card still, you are something else, Whumpee!” 

     Whumpee’s eyes begin to water and their lip trembles. TL had it all wrong! They never wanted any of this to happen, never wanted anyone to get hurt! 

     “I’ve also heard about you stumbling about–dropping everything you touch. I’ve never liked you, but I thought you at least had the decency to wait for some alone time to throw the bottle back!” 

     “What are you talking about?” 

     “Seriously? I know you’re a fuck up but are you really this stupid? Stop pretending you aren’t a heartless jackass! NO ONE here but Person A–who we both know doesn’t have one cruel bone in their body–buys this little show.” 

     “TL you’ve gotta slow down and hear me out, okay? I swear! Look–” Whumpee puts their wrist between them, modeling the blood on the white wristband of their sweatshirt.” 

     “I keep coughing up...blood. TL I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I truly am in pain and I think this might be kinda serious--”

     “Awwww, you don’t feel well? Well, A is hurt because of you, so suck it up! We’re ALL hurting right now. You think I planned to spend this week in the infirmary waiting for the love of my life to wake up? No. But thanks to you we all have to suffer!” 

     Now, TL has Whumpee backed against the door with their finger pointing straight into their face. TL puts their fists against the door, one on each side of Whumpee’s head, and whispers–hot breath dancing menacingly about Whumpee’s earlobe–“Tell me: have you conveniently been unable to do your assignments with your ailments? Or are you working your ass off like the rest of us to stop Villain while being torn up by A?” 

     I...I...uh...Please you-you have to believe me. I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t actually feel–” 

     Whumpee’s words cease as a fist comes crashing into their skull, whipping backwards into the door.

     “What’s interesting is although you claim A choked you, there aren’t any fingerprints.” 

     “It...It’s be--”

     Whumpee had never seen TL more upset in their entire life. TL’s thick fingers wrap around Whumpee’s neck and they whisper in their ear once more.

     “Allow me to help corroborate your story and put some there for you then. In the meantime, you listen to me and you listen close: by Friday I want all of your assignments on my desk. And the stack of papers in the corner there? I’m adding that to your task list, too. They’re A’s tasks. Understand?” 

     Tears stream down Whumpees face now in fear and agony as their lungs burn; they nodded vigorously. TL lets go and  Whumpee doubles over, gulping down air. TL retrieves the papers from the corner and thrusts them into Whumpee’s arms, pushes them outside, and slams the door. 

     Whumpee slowly trudges in a mixture of shock and despair towards their room to start working. After this, Whumpee realizes they will need to leave...they didn’t belong there now. Perhaps...TL was right...they hadn’t belonged there ever, they think...

A FEW DAYS LATER…

     Person B pops their head around the corner of TL’s office door. 

     “TL!”

     “Oh hey. I was just about to head over to the infirmary for Person A’s discharge! Could you--”

     “It’s Whumpee!” 

     “Oh Jesus, what did they do now?”

     “No, it’s not that they’re...just, just come with me! NOW!”

     Suddenly TL’s stomach turns as Person B, a typically mild mannered and composed  team member, seems more concerned than afraid. What was wrong with Whumpee?

     They race down the lengthy hallways, skirting around corners and bumping into Orderly’s as they near the Infirmary.  They burst through the doors and whisk past the front desk, ignoring the secretary waving a sign in sheet behind them. Sweat is beginning to bead on TL’s brow. “What the shit has happened?” they wonder.

     Approaching the emergency unit TL sees Person C, another fellow teammate, standing at a doorway. When they turn towards the sound of pounding footsteps, TL sees their eyes are rimmed with redness from crying. And...is that moaning they hear? 

     “What the–” TL stops as next to Person C and peers into the room. A group of doctors and nurses are surrounding the bed and spouting complicated medical jargon in serious, rushed tones. TL moves further into the room and struggles to see through the throng of white coats. Then, someone shifts and Whumpee comes into view on crisp, cotton sheets–now bespattered with blood. 

     With their arms wrapped around their torso in agony, Whumpee lay, still in their normal uniform, writhing in discomfort. They are dripping with sweat yet their teeth chatter, and their face is ashen save for their cheeks (which were flushed red as tomatoes). The blood on the sheets seems to come from a nasty cough evident in the blood dripping from their mouth and from their forehead, where a large, ugly gash is impressed on their left temple. 

     They seem to be in such pain that the staff’s questions and calming affirmations aren’t registering. Every few seconds they would expel a low, almost haunting keen. Tears escape the corners of their eyes and they begin whimpering harder as the med team pry their arms away from their protective position and pin them down at their sides.  

     “Nooooo no no no no please no it hurts!” Whumpee babbles, their words catching on sobs and gasps for air. 

     TL is frozen. All color has drained from their face and their mouth's as dry as if they had swallowed a handful of sand. Person B and C come up on both sides of them, C resting a hand on their shoulder. 

     “When...What-what happened?” TL questions shakily. 

     “They found them passed out on the floor in their room...looks like they had been that way for a while. The gash came from a fall onto the edge of a bedpost–they probably passed or something. The doctors are pretty sure that appendicitis is one of the main issues, but they think that more is contributing. First surgery for that, and then they’re going to address the rest. It’s bad, TL. It’s worse than any of us imagined.” 

     At that, the solemn Lead Doctor with sharp features and thick, black glasses begins to gently prod at Whumpee’s abdomen while shushing them softly. Whumpee responds with a wail and more tears spill from their pained brown eyes. The nurses and attendants struggle to contain them, and a couple other employees rush in with a tray transporting a needle and smooth, light blue restraints for their ankles and wrists. As they begin restraining their ankles and wrists Whumpee continues muttering. 

     “No no no no that will just make it worse!” 

     “They’re a little delirious” said Person C. “I heard one of the nurses talking and she said they seemed sleep deprived when they first were brought in. They’re sensitive to touch too, and are startled by being handled. Apparently…” Person C looks around to make sure no one is close enough to hear.

     “According to Whumpee’s file they were abused before they came to us. A history of PTSD, too. That’s definitely complicating the process here.”

     TL’s stomach drops. They can’t seem to pull their eyes from the horror before them, yet they feel like their limbs are fixed into concrete. 

     One of the nurses takes the syringe and–with Whumpee now restrained but still screeching miserably–she digs it into their thigh. They cry out in alarm and are now crying so hysterically it’s hard to hear what they’re muttering. 

     Not even 15 seconds later, Whumpee’s thrashing begins to slow and their words grow slurred. They blink sluggishly and turn their head so it’s resting on their left cheek. 

     Looking down at the floor–blurry and wobbling under the influence of the drugs–they can just make out a pair of sneakers on long, jean-clad legs. 

     TL looks on in absolute horror as Whumpee’s eyes meet theirs. Whumpee’s eyes are foggy, but TL can just make out the faintest trace of fear in their eyes upon seeing them. Then, Whumpee loses consciousness. The staff start to file out one by one, until Person B and C follow suit. Person A enters and places a hand on TL’s shoulder, shaking slightly as they try to withhold tormented tears. 

     At the touch of A’s warm palm, TL breaks down. Person A stands there–arm around TL–as Whumpee’s raspy breathing harmonizes alongside TL’s wrecked sobs. They stand there and watch Whumpee’s sleeping form, their brow furrowing in a fitful sleep.

     “I-I can’t believe it,” TL bawls. “I didn’t-didn't listen to them. This is all my fault…”

#whump #writers on tumblr #hopsital whump #whatwhump #short fiction #team leader #whumpee #big oof #TL why you do dis?! #angst #whump guilt #whump angst

[wisdomorganic]

I used to go to the hospital on a weekly basis due to alcohal dehydration. ⁣ ⁣ I remember applying for NYPD in 2010. I passed all of the exams (written, physical fitness, medical) but when it came to the psychological, It was all good until I was asked for my medical records. ⁣ ⁣ I looked at my emergency room track record at one hospital and said "forget it." ⁣ ⁣ A lot of the hurt that we inflict on ourselves comes from something deeper- unresolved issues. ⁣ ⁣ As a result, I lived recklessly. But I am blessed to be here to talk about it and in my RIGHT mind. ⁣ ⁣ Everything that we go through has a greater purpose. Disclaimer; you will not see it when you're in it. ⁣ ⁣ If you do not get the help... you will never never see your greater purpose nor will you will not be able to move foward in life. ⁣ ⁣ You may live life going through the motions but you might not live to your fullest potential and help others. ⁣ ⁣ Overcoming stress is not easy.... especially when you have to deal with the past and the present at the same time. ⁣ ⁣ Soon, I will present 21 days of RELEASE. ⁣ A 21- day free series to help moms cope with stress. ⁣ ⁣ I'll keep you all posted. ⁣ ⁣ To join my update list, click the link in my bio and the 2nd option.⁣ ⁣ https://www.remind.com/join/ge8g62⁣ #21release #release21 ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ ⁣ https://www.instagram.com/p/Bzriuh5Hx33/?igshid=67se7e21n25u

#21release #release21

[huckurns]

spit  date: Wed, Apr 17, 9:49 AM

in 2015 winter my family went on a trip to portugal and up to that point i had been sik from september on but it wasnt a real sick it awas mainly just due to me continuing smoking with a common cold and a big build up of muccus. but in 2015 almost half a year sick i learnt how to spit out my mucus i have seen people do it tons, but never understood how quitely how to do it quite. my sister tried teaching me and a few phases did the trick she was describing what will happen to the snot, bc you are basically coughing it up from ur loungs and into ur mouth to then spit out and that helped with the visualization and helped me under stand musinex. i figured out if i lean forward a little and do the cough usually it knocks the mucus up into my mouth so then i can spit a wad of mucus out ofg my lungs and onto any surfuace bc snot is sticky as hell when its that juicy lung stuff. i have continued to smoke but can get over any cold really quicck now and not gfeel like a ball of mucus, since i think that s a feeling people asssociate with being sick is just like swalling all thier snot like what the hell yeah you shouldnt be swallowing that gnarly shit like i get a runny nose, but like full like nose slurps of snot down into ur chest seems like the worst thing to do when u are trying to feel better, get thtat shit out get that shit out, they say that with every poison you know GET THAT out , alcohal yeah that shit is poison throw that shit up. even before i could spit out my snot i was always a fan of spitting once someone told me in public speaking class, one i took in hiehghschool bc it seemed like a joke and the teacher had my same last name, she was also the only teacher thati have witnessed fall asleep durring someones presentation, i know professors sleep i understand that heck ive even slept with a professor or two, but this one was out cold during someones presentation on the differences of the AL and NL baseball leagues, all his choice too, he chose to talk about that and was seizing like a fucking moped infront of an asleep mrs. turner whom was secured tightly in her chair fat spilling out under the arm rests she wasnt going any where even if her head was nodding, she wouldnt fall she was stuck in that chair she wasnt goiing anywhere. But some kid who we all called ritz caught me looking at him one day bc i thought he was chewing tobac and i always liked watched all the dope ass chill fuckers in school pack fatty lips bc it was like cool as hell, and i liked watch them think they were sneaky i liked knowing and watching, one time warningn them about the principal walking in, and other situations distracting teacher from noticing other students go up to the board and spit on the carpet, it was really cool. so he caught me looking, but i realize oh thats just a bottle of normal spit what the hell. hes like man dont start you aint going to want to start this one man its gross its so bad for your body and im like waht are you doing just spitting in that bottle all secrative? and he says no. he says his brother told him and his coach told him and all the varsity boys do it on the wrestling team, they chew gum and spit in a bottle and its the fastest way to lose weight. it chekced out to me and i was impressed this guy was also really fucking cool. so yeah you could say i got into spitting back when i saw the titanitc i mean everyone loves that loogie scene the spitting the 'leaverage' that shit is pricelous if people dont remember that scene then they arent rememebreing that movie right. so ever since the titanic ive been spitting and i realized at some time a nice spitting area is a urinal bc like big wide thing like its designed for bad aimers a normal toilet is a little too narrow a little too much of a challenge unless ur just dropping spit bombs which is fine i like doing that too, but so i would always take a piss and then spit at someppoint and flush and yeah sometimes wash my hands, but i mean this has been gpoing on for years nothing out of the ordinary. yesterday i head someone cat call me, they screamed slob on my knob, and i shuddered. that phrase stuck in my head all day, i get into the office to crank out a whicked pisser from all the dunkies i put in my body on an empty stomach e and then i spat a nice congealed iced coffee spit concetrated with one turbo shot, the spit lags as it leaves my mouth, it was a bomb rather a big fat bomb and it lags, it drags and stays on my lips longer than intened but since this is such daily shit to me im already finidshing peeing im about to put that guy away then i spit on my dick. 

[woodworkingpastor]

The Surprise of the Spirit Acts 13:1-3; 14:8-18 Fourth Sunday of Easter May 12, 2019

Call to Worship

God has been gracious to us, God has blessed us,

          God has made his face to shine upon us.

God reveals his way to all peoples,

          God guides all the nations on the earth.

God judges everyone with equity.

          God shows his saving power everywhere.

Let all the nations praise you, O God,

          Let us, your people, praise you!

Prayer of Invocation

Wonderful God, so indiscriminate is your love, so heedless of color and nationality and class, falling like sun and rain on all your children, the righteous and the unrighteous, the just and the unjust. For your lavish, gracious care we give you thanks and praise.

Come now and sow in our hearts the seed of your word. Come and knead into our spirit the leaven of your Spirit. And may your seed and leaven transform our words and deeds, so that others might come to know your love, and give you praise. Amen.

Hymn, For the beauty of the earth (vs. 1, 4, 5) 

The Surprise of the Spirit, Acts 13:1-3; 14:8-18 

The Annual Conference of 1907 received four queries asking that a bicentennial committee be appointed to help the church celebrate its 200th anniversary in 1908.  The Brethren were quite favorably inclined to this idea, the committee was appointed, and at the Annual Meeting of 1908 in Des Moines, Iowa, Brethren gathered to hear 22 different sermons and speeches covering a wide variety of Brethren life and thought—everything from history and polity, to faith and practice, to engagement with the issues of the day.  

Sunday June 7, 1908 was Pentecost.  On that day Edward Frantz of Kansas spoke on his assigned topic: The Growth to the Pacific. He began his talk by describing the first Brethren congregation planted west of the Mississippi River:

“It was in the year 1818 that there was organized the first Church of the Brethren west of the Mississippi River.  At least the evidence points strongly to this conclusion. What is certainly known, is that, on that day, on Whitewater Creek, Cape Girardeau County, Missouri, James Hendricks was ordained to the eldership, by Elder George Wolfe of Union County, Illinois. As this was the first ordination on this side of the river, the presumption is that the first church was organized at this time. How many there were in that little company is not known, but six years later, in 1824, there were fifty members in that county” (Two Centuries of the Church of the Brethren, 87).

Brother Frantz goes on to chronicle the growth of the Brethren west of the Mississippi.  It should really come as no surprise that Brethren were migrating to the west in similar patterns to everyone else in the country at that time, settling the American West from the edges in. So while churches were being established in Missouri, Kansas, Iowa and the Dakotas, Brethren also got to the west coast reasonably quickly, establishing a congregation in the Willamette Valley of Oregon in 1871 (somewhere near Interstate 5, a bit east of Corvalis, OR, the home of Oregon State University.)

Brother Frantz brings the Brethren a challenge that day. Noting that there were currently 15,000 Brethren living west of the Mississippi, he then turns his thoughts from the past to the future and he wonders about the 300th anniversary of the church in 2008.  How many Brethren will be living west of the Mississippi River in 2008? Imagining a 300th Anniversary celebration (which happened in Richmond, VA), Brother Frantz wonders how many of his congregation’s great-grandchildren will be in attendance at that Conference, or will be Brethren, or will even be Christian.

He was challenging the church to make mission a priority, and his vision of mission was understood in both pastoral and congregational terms: the Brethren should call out leaders from existing congregations and equip them to start new congregations in these western counties that were now their home.  This is not mission in the sense of social ministry that we often think of today.  Make no mistake, Brethren were concerned about these things in 1908 as well, and there were speeches on those topics as well.  But Brother Frantz’ concern is with evangelism and church planting, recognizing that no matter how many Brethren there are in a certain region, and no matter how many churches there are in that same region, there will be thousands of persons in the area who are not yet following Jesus.

The growth of the church requires apostles and pastors being sent out.

This missional, pastoral, and congregational focus is the subject of our Scripture text this morning. Acts 13:1-3 gives us a peek into a board meeting in the church at Antioch.  It must have been a fascinating community, as the pastoral team consists of “a Levite from Cyprus, a black man, a North African from Cyrene, a boyhood friend of Herod Antipas, and a Pharisee educated under Gamaliel.” These were people from remarkably different social, religious, and ethnic backgrounds who have brought into positions of leadership, perhaps because the church recognized that life experiences shape how we see and hear and interact with the Gospel.  The different sets of experiences that people bring to our relationships help us together accomplish the mission God has for us.

At the moment we look in upon them, it would appear that the only item on the agenda was praying and fasting.  There is a valuable lesson for us here.  We have access to so much stuff—money, opportunities, persons in positions of power, entertainment, you name it—that we might overlook the significant need to make prayer and other spiritual disciples our top priority. Just the past 2 Sundays in our congregation has demonstrated how easy it is for us to take our concerns and get something done: with just a few emails we were able to get Sam Rasoul, Joe Cobb, and Jeanine Underwood to come to our church and help us understand our world a bit better.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to each of them for their time helping us understand how our congregation might help other people.  But let’s not forget that our concerns with guns and drugs and healthcare are ultimately spiritual issues.

And so we see the church leaders in Antioch taking time to pray and to fast. Their commitment to Christ and to the position they held in the congregation led them to seek ways to allow God’s Spirit to continue shaping them into leaders equipped to do God’s will.  That’s when the Spirit surprises them.  God’s vision for their ministry was broader than just this congregation.  This is a Great Commission focus that emphasizes the “into all the world” instruction for the church. The Holy Spirit “makes a motion” at this meeting to send Barnabas and Saul out on a special mission.  Apparently someone else seconded that motion—always a good idea if God is bringing the recommendation—and the vote passed without opposition!

The growth of the church requires evangelism leading to changed lives.

So Barnabas and Saul set out, preaching in Cyprus, Pisidian Antioch, and Iconium, before arriving in the city of Lystra. If we were to read these accounts in Acts 13:4-14:7, we’d find that their work yielded mixed results: some believed, some opposed them, they left one town out of frustration for their having rejected the Gospel, and they were almost stoned.

But they kept on. Called forth and led by the Holy Spirit, they would not turn away from their task too quickly.  So they came to Lystra, where they encounter one of the more comical scenes in Scripture.  They preach the Gospel and a man is healed—a result solidly in character with Jesus’ experience. And then things start to get weird; the good citizens of Lystra reach back into their own spiritual experience and community history and say “We recognize what this is! It’s Zeus and Hermes!”

It turns out that there was a legend in Lystra that Zeus and Hermes had visited their town once before and had not been welcomed.  The people are determined not to make that mistake again, so here comes oxen on a cart with garlands of flowers for everybody!

Paul and Barnabas have a tradition of their own here—they tear their clothes to show they aren’t gods, because no god would do such a thing as tear his or her own clothes.  But then they tell the story.  They don’t threaten them with hell, telling them to “Repent or perish!” or “Turn or burn!”  They tell them the story of God’s love for them: how God has given rain and harvest, allowing them to have full stomachs and joyful hearts.  They tell them that idols created by men and women have no lasting value because they were made by men and women.  But the living God in heaven who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them loves them and wants them to leave behind worthless things and find true life in Jesus.

It’s a compassionate message, but one that yielded uncertain fruit.  Paul and Barnabas are run out of town before they can finish their work.  They move on to the city of Derbe before backtracking and heading home to Antioch.

Along the way on this first missionary journey, Paul and Barnabas have met a lot of people. Some have been interested in the Gospel, some were ambivalent, some were opposed.  But they proclaimed the gospel anyway, inviting people to reevaluate their lives in light of the fact that Jesus Christ was raised from the dead and is seated at the right hand of God in heaven, inviting us to be his disciple.

They met a lot of people.  And because they had the faith to venture out, we might safely imagine that some broken marriages were healed and some persons caught in the depths of addiction found hope and a path to healing.   We know that later in Acts, Paul would go to Ephesus and so many people would leave behind their old commitments to the local gods that it would tank the local economy.  Paul met a slave girl and set her free. He met the director of public works in the city of Corinth who was a believer, alongside a lot of people who were formerly adulterers and thieves and alcoholics but now whose lives reflected God’s grace.  All because of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

It’s the kind of thing Edward Frantz had in mind for the Brethren in 1908. In dreaming of a Church of the Brethren that numbered 1.5 million west of the Mississippi by 2008, he finished this message by asking

“[Is this] idle dreaming? I tell you, my brethren, it’s the serious task we ought to lay upon our hearts. Not that we may glory in mere numbers, but because human souls are of such priceless worth. Why, even so, we shall not have used but one-tenth of our opportunity, for there are a thousand, not a hundred, for every one of us, waiting to be gathered in. Nay, more; for this thousand is here on the ground right now, and who would dare to guess the millions in this western empire at the end of another century? Can we do this much? We can, because we must.  We can? I mean that God can do even much more than we are able to ask or think, if only he can find good tools to work with. Yes, by his grace, it will be done. With praise to God for what he hath already wrought among us, and with hope and faith in what he will yet do, we’ll forget the things which are behind, and stretch forward to the things which are before.”

[bobbiejwray]

How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Going to rehab. There is no doubt in my mind that the first time that any struggling alcoh olic or drug addict agrees to go into an inpatient rehab center, that experience is going to be awkward for them.

Why is it awkward?

It is awkward because it probably does not make much sense to the recovering addict at first. What happens at rehab? How do they help you to….not want to drink or take drugs? How does that even happen?

So part of the awkwardness is because the struggling alcoholic or addict does not really know what to expect. And so they are–whether they admit it or not–a little bit nervous because they are forging into an unknown path. They do not yet know how the rehab process is even going to attempt to help them to recover from their drug or alcohol problem. So it feels weird to go to it.

I think another part of the awkward feeling comes from the fact that the struggling addict is surrendering voluntarily. They are saying “I know that I am out of control, therefore I am going to surrender control of myself to someone or something else so that I can get healthy again.” It doesn’t really make sense, because if you can surrender control of yourself, then you are not really out of control, are you?

That is part of how the addict or alcoholic can talk themselves into continuing with denial even longer. They might drink or take drugs a little too much, but they are not at the point of “needing to be locked up,” right?

Which is another part of the stigma, the idea that going to rehab is akin to “locking yourself up” so that you don’t drink or take drugs. This is not really the case though, as most rehab arrangements are set up so that any person can leave at any time. You’re not technically locked up, you just happen to have placed yourself in a program where there are no drugs, no alcohol, and no temptation.

So how does the alcoholic or addict get past all of this stigma so that they can get healthy again? How do you make it okay, in your own mind, that you are going to check into rehab, and that this is not weird or degrading or humbling? How can you be okay with it all?

I think the first principle here is that you have to reach a point of surrender. If you are still trying to manipulate things and struggling for control of your drinking or drug use, then that is a long way from being at the point of real surrender. When you reach “rock bottom” and you surrender fully, you no longer try to figure out how to make it all work any more. You give that part up. You let go of the need for control, you let go of the idea that taking more drugs or booze can some day make you happy.

When you hit rock bottom and you break through denial, you glimpse the truth, which is a glimpse into your own future, which is the realization that even though you may have a few more “peak moments” while drinking or taking drugs, the fun is pretty much over with, and the party ended a long time ago, and this stuff just isn’t fun any more. That is rock bottom and that is the point at which you break through your denial and you surrender.

And in that crushing moment of defeat, you realize that you have no idea how to live a successful and happy life. In fact, you realize that even if you want to live an unsuccessful life, you don’t know how to make that be happy. At all. You are miserable, and you realize that you have been miserable for a long time, and if you are going to ever live a happy life then someone is going to have to instruct you.

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Once you reach this point of surrender, going to rehab becomes slightly less awkward. Because now you don’t really care any more, you are beyond caring, you are so incredibly sick and tired of life and of addiction and of everything in the whole universe that you just don’t care any more. You are beyond caring.

That is the point at which rehab works. If you go to rehab and you are not in that state of “ultimate surrender” then I do not believe that you will make the leap into this awesome new life of sobriety. You are not ready yet.

But when you surrender completely and you reach this point, going to rehab is okay. It’s not great, you are not going to jump for joy and click your heels together just yet, but you can move past the awkward part of rehab, of sitting and sharing in AA meetings, of doing group therapy and talking about yourself. You can get past all that and you can ignore any anxiety that you have because you hit bottom and you just don’t care any more. This is how you really get past the stigma of addiction and recovery–you surrender to it. You surrender to everything, to the whole entire world, because you are so utterly defeated by your addiction and you just don’t care any more.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Seriously, this point of rock bottom where you could care less about the entire universe, this is the turning point. This is where you become willing to go to rehab, to actually listen, and to start turning your life around. This is the foundation on which you can build a real life for yourself.

I do not think that it helps to go to treatment or enter recovery with another struggling friend. I mean, that is better than not trying at all, but it never seems to work out that way. You have to come to recovery and surrender on your own; it is a very personal and individual journey. In other words, one person cannot say “I am ready to surrender now to recovery, join me” and have their addict friend jump in and do just as well at the same exact moment.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

Either you are in a state of total and complete surrender, and you have experienced rock bottom, or you haven’t. And that moment, that turning point, is a split second of time in which everything shifts, the whole world changes, and you break through your denial and see your addiction for the trap that it really is. And until an individual reaches that point, they cannot really recover–whether they force themselves through AA or rehab or not. Nothing matters expect for that magic moment in which they break through denial and surrender completely.

And the odds of that happening with 2 individuals at the same time is slim to none. We all have to find our own path. I experienced this in my recovery with nicotine addiction–I was trying to convince fellow smokers to quit with me, so we could hold each other accountable.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

So if you find the idea of rehab awkward then my suggestion to you is to work through your denial. Get honest with yourself about how much “fun” drinking or drug use really is for you, and keep evaluating that question every single day of your life. Keep a written log of this. Over time, you will see that it just isn’t fun any more. And then you can surrender fully and the idea of getting help in rehab will become far more appealing to you. Good luck!

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241842 http://ift.tt/2CYiZm5

[roberrtnelson]

How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Going to rehab. There is no doubt in my mind that the first time that any struggling alcoh olic or drug addict agrees to go into an inpatient rehab center, that experience is going to be awkward for them.

Why is it awkward?

It is awkward because it probably does not make much sense to the recovering addict at first. What happens at rehab? How do they help you to….not want to drink or take drugs? How does that even happen?

So part of the awkwardness is because the struggling alcoholic or addict does not really know what to expect. And so they are–whether they admit it or not–a little bit nervous because they are forging into an unknown path. They do not yet know how the rehab process is even going to attempt to help them to recover from their drug or alcohol problem. So it feels weird to go to it.

I think another part of the awkward feeling comes from the fact that the struggling addict is surrendering voluntarily. They are saying “I know that I am out of control, therefore I am going to surrender control of myself to someone or something else so that I can get healthy again.” It doesn’t really make sense, because if you can surrender control of yourself, then you are not really out of control, are you?

That is part of how the addict or alcoholic can talk themselves into continuing with denial even longer. They might drink or take drugs a little too much, but they are not at the point of “needing to be locked up,” right?

Which is another part of the stigma, the idea that going to rehab is akin to “locking yourself up” so that you don’t drink or take drugs. This is not really the case though, as most rehab arrangements are set up so that any person can leave at any time. You’re not technically locked up, you just happen to have placed yourself in a program where there are no drugs, no alcohol, and no temptation.

So how does the alcoholic or addict get past all of this stigma so that they can get healthy again? How do you make it okay, in your own mind, that you are going to check into rehab, and that this is not weird or degrading or humbling? How can you be okay with it all?

I think the first principle here is that you have to reach a point of surrender. If you are still trying to manipulate things and struggling for control of your drinking or drug use, then that is a long way from being at the point of real surrender. When you reach “rock bottom” and you surrender fully, you no longer try to figure out how to make it all work any more. You give that part up. You let go of the need for control, you let go of the idea that taking more drugs or booze can some day make you happy.

When you hit rock bottom and you break through denial, you glimpse the truth, which is a glimpse into your own future, which is the realization that even though you may have a few more “peak moments” while drinking or taking drugs, the fun is pretty much over with, and the party ended a long time ago, and this stuff just isn’t fun any more. That is rock bottom and that is the point at which you break through your denial and you surrender.

And in that crushing moment of defeat, you realize that you have no idea how to live a successful and happy life. In fact, you realize that even if you want to live an unsuccessful life, you don’t know how to make that be happy. At all. You are miserable, and you realize that you have been miserable for a long time, and if you are going to ever live a happy life then someone is going to have to instruct you.

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Once you reach this point of surrender, going to rehab becomes slightly less awkward. Because now you don’t really care any more, you are beyond caring, you are so incredibly sick and tired of life and of addiction and of everything in the whole universe that you just don’t care any more. You are beyond caring.

That is the point at which rehab works. If you go to rehab and you are not in that state of “ultimate surrender” then I do not believe that you will make the leap into this awesome new life of sobriety. You are not ready yet.

But when you surrender completely and you reach this point, going to rehab is okay. It’s not great, you are not going to jump for joy and click your heels together just yet, but you can move past the awkward part of rehab, of sitting and sharing in AA meetings, of doing group therapy and talking about yourself. You can get past all that and you can ignore any anxiety that you have because you hit bottom and you just don’t care any more. This is how you really get past the stigma of addiction and recovery–you surrender to it. You surrender to everything, to the whole entire world, because you are so utterly defeated by your addiction and you just don’t care any more.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Seriously, this point of rock bottom where you could care less about the entire universe, this is the turning point. This is where you become willing to go to rehab, to actually listen, and to start turning your life around. This is the foundation on which you can build a real life for yourself.

I do not think that it helps to go to treatment or enter recovery with another struggling friend. I mean, that is better than not trying at all, but it never seems to work out that way. You have to come to recovery and surrender on your own; it is a very personal and individual journey. In other words, one person cannot say “I am ready to surrender now to recovery, join me” and have their addict friend jump in and do just as well at the same exact moment.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

Either you are in a state of total and complete surrender, and you have experienced rock bottom, or you haven’t. And that moment, that turning point, is a split second of time in which everything shifts, the whole world changes, and you break through your denial and see your addiction for the trap that it really is. And until an individual reaches that point, they cannot really recover–whether they force themselves through AA or rehab or not. Nothing matters expect for that magic moment in which they break through denial and surrender completely.

And the odds of that happening with 2 individuals at the same time is slim to none. We all have to find our own path. I experienced this in my recovery with nicotine addiction–I was trying to convince fellow smokers to quit with me, so we could hold each other accountable.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

So if you find the idea of rehab awkward then my suggestion to you is to work through your denial. Get honest with yourself about how much “fun” drinking or drug use really is for you, and keep evaluating that question every single day of your life. Keep a written log of this. Over time, you will see that it just isn’t fun any more. And then you can surrender fully and the idea of getting help in rehab will become far more appealing to you. Good luck!

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241843 http://ift.tt/2CYiZm5

[journalingthisjourney]

How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Going to rehab. There is no doubt in my mind that the first time that any struggling alcoh olic or drug addict agrees to go into an inpatient rehab center, that experience is going to be awkward for them.

Why is it awkward?

It is awkward because it probably does not make much sense to the recovering addict at first. What happens at rehab? How do they help you to….not want to drink or take drugs? How does that even happen?

So part of the awkwardness is because the struggling alcoholic or addict does not really know what to expect. And so they are–whether they admit it or not–a little bit nervous because they are forging into an unknown path. They do not yet know how the rehab process is even going to attempt to help them to recover from their drug or alcohol problem. So it feels weird to go to it.

I think another part of the awkward feeling comes from the fact that the struggling addict is surrendering voluntarily. They are saying “I know that I am out of control, therefore I am going to surrender control of myself to someone or something else so that I can get healthy again.” It doesn’t really make sense, because if you can surrender control of yourself, then you are not really out of control, are you?

That is part of how the addict or alcoholic can talk themselves into continuing with denial even longer. They might drink or take drugs a little too much, but they are not at the point of “needing to be locked up,” right?

Which is another part of the stigma, the idea that going to rehab is akin to “locking yourself up” so that you don’t drink or take drugs. This is not really the case though, as most rehab arrangements are set up so that any person can leave at any time. You’re not technically locked up, you just happen to have placed yourself in a program where there are no drugs, no alcohol, and no temptation.

So how does the alcoholic or addict get past all of this stigma so that they can get healthy again? How do you make it okay, in your own mind, that you are going to check into rehab, and that this is not weird or degrading or humbling? How can you be okay with it all?

I think the first principle here is that you have to reach a point of surrender. If you are still trying to manipulate things and struggling for control of your drinking or drug use, then that is a long way from being at the point of real surrender. When you reach “rock bottom” and you surrender fully, you no longer try to figure out how to make it all work any more. You give that part up. You let go of the need for control, you let go of the idea that taking more drugs or booze can some day make you happy.

When you hit rock bottom and you break through denial, you glimpse the truth, which is a glimpse into your own future, which is the realization that even though you may have a few more “peak moments” while drinking or taking drugs, the fun is pretty much over with, and the party ended a long time ago, and this stuff just isn’t fun any more. That is rock bottom and that is the point at which you break through your denial and you surrender.

And in that crushing moment of defeat, you realize that you have no idea how to live a successful and happy life. In fact, you realize that even if you want to live an unsuccessful life, you don’t know how to make that be happy. At all. You are miserable, and you realize that you have been miserable for a long time, and if you are going to ever live a happy life then someone is going to have to instruct you.

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Once you reach this point of surrender, going to rehab becomes slightly less awkward. Because now you don’t really care any more, you are beyond caring, you are so incredibly sick and tired of life and of addiction and of everything in the whole universe that you just don’t care any more. You are beyond caring.

That is the point at which rehab works. If you go to rehab and you are not in that state of “ultimate surrender” then I do not believe that you will make the leap into this awesome new life of sobriety. You are not ready yet.

But when you surrender completely and you reach this point, going to rehab is okay. It’s not great, you are not going to jump for joy and click your heels together just yet, but you can move past the awkward part of rehab, of sitting and sharing in AA meetings, of doing group therapy and talking about yourself. You can get past all that and you can ignore any anxiety that you have because you hit bottom and you just don’t care any more. This is how you really get past the stigma of addiction and recovery–you surrender to it. You surrender to everything, to the whole entire world, because you are so utterly defeated by your addiction and you just don’t care any more.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Seriously, this point of rock bottom where you could care less about the entire universe, this is the turning point. This is where you become willing to go to rehab, to actually listen, and to start turning your life around. This is the foundation on which you can build a real life for yourself.

I do not think that it helps to go to treatment or enter recovery with another struggling friend. I mean, that is better than not trying at all, but it never seems to work out that way. You have to come to recovery and surrender on your own; it is a very personal and individual journey. In other words, one person cannot say “I am ready to surrender now to recovery, join me” and have their addict friend jump in and do just as well at the same exact moment.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

Either you are in a state of total and complete surrender, and you have experienced rock bottom, or you haven’t. And that moment, that turning point, is a split second of time in which everything shifts, the whole world changes, and you break through your denial and see your addiction for the trap that it really is. And until an individual reaches that point, they cannot really recover–whether they force themselves through AA or rehab or not. Nothing matters expect for that magic moment in which they break through denial and surrender completely.

And the odds of that happening with 2 individuals at the same time is slim to none. We all have to find our own path. I experienced this in my recovery with nicotine addiction–I was trying to convince fellow smokers to quit with me, so we could hold each other accountable.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

So if you find the idea of rehab awkward then my suggestion to you is to work through your denial. Get honest with yourself about how much “fun” drinking or drug use really is for you, and keep evaluating that question every single day of your life. Keep a written log of this. Over time, you will see that it just isn’t fun any more. And then you can surrender fully and the idea of getting help in rehab will become far more appealing to you. Good luck!

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

[jaylazoey]

How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery

You know what is kind of awkward?

Going to rehab. There is no doubt in my mind that the first time that any struggling alcoh olic or drug addict agrees to go into an inpatient rehab center, that experience is going to be awkward for them.

Why is it awkward?

It is awkward because it probably does not make much sense to the recovering addict at first. What happens at rehab? How do they help you to….not want to drink or take drugs? How does that even happen?

So part of the awkwardness is because the struggling alcoholic or addict does not really know what to expect. And so they are–whether they admit it or not–a little bit nervous because they are forging into an unknown path. They do not yet know how the rehab process is even going to attempt to help them to recover from their drug or alcohol problem. So it feels weird to go to it.

I think another part of the awkward feeling comes from the fact that the struggling addict is surrendering voluntarily. They are saying “I know that I am out of control, therefore I am going to surrender control of myself to someone or something else so that I can get healthy again.” It doesn’t really make sense, because if you can surrender control of yourself, then you are not really out of control, are you?

That is part of how the addict or alcoholic can talk themselves into continuing with denial even longer. They might drink or take drugs a little too much, but they are not at the point of “needing to be locked up,” right?

Which is another part of the stigma, the idea that going to rehab is akin to “locking yourself up” so that you don’t drink or take drugs. This is not really the case though, as most rehab arrangements are set up so that any person can leave at any time. You’re not technically locked up, you just happen to have placed yourself in a program where there are no drugs, no alcohol, and no temptation.

So how does the alcoholic or addict get past all of this stigma so that they can get healthy again? How do you make it okay, in your own mind, that you are going to check into rehab, and that this is not weird or degrading or humbling? How can you be okay with it all?

I think the first principle here is that you have to reach a point of surrender. If you are still trying to manipulate things and struggling for control of your drinking or drug use, then that is a long way from being at the point of real surrender. When you reach “rock bottom” and you surrender fully, you no longer try to figure out how to make it all work any more. You give that part up. You let go of the need for control, you let go of the idea that taking more drugs or booze can some day make you happy.

When you hit rock bottom and you break through denial, you glimpse the truth, which is a glimpse into your own future, which is the realization that even though you may have a few more “peak moments” while drinking or taking drugs, the fun is pretty much over with, and the party ended a long time ago, and this stuff just isn’t fun any more. That is rock bottom and that is the point at which you break through your denial and you surrender.

And in that crushing moment of defeat, you realize that you have no idea how to live a successful and happy life. In fact, you realize that even if you want to live an unsuccessful life, you don’t know how to make that be happy. At all. You are miserable, and you realize that you have been miserable for a long time, and if you are going to ever live a happy life then someone is going to have to instruct you.

This is surrender, the realization that you need instructions for how to live.

If you are not ready to learn like a third grader, if you are not ready for directions about how to live a simple life, then you are not in a place of true surrender. Yet.

Once you reach this point of surrender, going to rehab becomes slightly less awkward. Because now you don’t really care any more, you are beyond caring, you are so incredibly sick and tired of life and of addiction and of everything in the whole universe that you just don’t care any more. You are beyond caring.

That is the point at which rehab works. If you go to rehab and you are not in that state of “ultimate surrender” then I do not believe that you will make the leap into this awesome new life of sobriety. You are not ready yet.

But when you surrender completely and you reach this point, going to rehab is okay. It’s not great, you are not going to jump for joy and click your heels together just yet, but you can move past the awkward part of rehab, of sitting and sharing in AA meetings, of doing group therapy and talking about yourself. You can get past all that and you can ignore any anxiety that you have because you hit bottom and you just don’t care any more. This is how you really get past the stigma of addiction and recovery–you surrender to it. You surrender to everything, to the whole entire world, because you are so utterly defeated by your addiction and you just don’t care any more.

Believe it or not, as bleak and depressing as that sounds, this is the greatest moment of your life so far.

Seriously, this point of rock bottom where you could care less about the entire universe, this is the turning point. This is where you become willing to go to rehab, to actually listen, and to start turning your life around. This is the foundation on which you can build a real life for yourself.

I do not think that it helps to go to treatment or enter recovery with another struggling friend. I mean, that is better than not trying at all, but it never seems to work out that way. You have to come to recovery and surrender on your own; it is a very personal and individual journey. In other words, one person cannot say “I am ready to surrender now to recovery, join me” and have their addict friend jump in and do just as well at the same exact moment.

Surrender doesn’t work that way.

Either you are in a state of total and complete surrender, and you have experienced rock bottom, or you haven’t. And that moment, that turning point, is a split second of time in which everything shifts, the whole world changes, and you break through your denial and see your addiction for the trap that it really is. And until an individual reaches that point, they cannot really recover–whether they force themselves through AA or rehab or not. Nothing matters expect for that magic moment in which they break through denial and surrender completely.

And the odds of that happening with 2 individuals at the same time is slim to none. We all have to find our own path. I experienced this in my recovery with nicotine addiction–I was trying to convince fellow smokers to quit with me, so we could hold each other accountable.

It never worked. It finally worked for one of us when that individual finally surrendered fully. But to do it together was not possible, because our moments of surrender never matched up.

So if you find the idea of rehab awkward then my suggestion to you is to work through your denial. Get honest with yourself about how much “fun” drinking or drug use really is for you, and keep evaluating that question every single day of your life. Keep a written log of this. Over time, you will see that it just isn’t fun any more. And then you can surrender fully and the idea of getting help in rehab will become far more appealing to you. Good luck!

The post How to Power through an Awkward Rehab Visit and Find Recovery appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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