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thejolexgroupchat · 3 years

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the one where they met in med school - part twelve

silk red boxer briefs and broken bones

Hi everyone!! Hope you enjoy this next part. This one was so much fun to write for obvious reasons. Let us know what you think and what you’d like to see next.

If you haven’t read parts 1-11, go check out our Master List :)

Happy Reading! - @iamtrebleclefstories @doc-pickles and Nat!

———

(February 2006)

Alex felt stupid. Like, if this didn’t go well, he wouldn’t hear the end of it for years. He wasn’t even sure if Jo would like it. If she wanted this. She never said anything about Valentine’s Day, but he assumed it was because back in October she mentioned something about how she’d never celebrated it before. Jo didn’t exactly know what to expect when it came to holidays in general, let alone a holiday that was dedicated to love.

It still kind of blew his mind that he was the first person to ever truly tell Jo he loved her. He was the first person to show her that she was worthy of someone’s care and admiration. There was just so much to love, he didn’t understand how anyone could’ve ever met her and thought otherwise.

So that’s why he found himself doing this incredibly stupid, cheesy thing, because Jo had never had someone make a fool of themselves to show her that she was worth it. He’d written her a card with some of the most romantic and sickeningly sweet things he’d ever said. He bought champagne, lit some candles and littered the bed with dozens of rose petals. He even bought a pair of ridiculous red, silk, boxer briefs that he’d be wearing when she got home after a long day of classes.

He’d just finished the last couple touches when he heard the front door open and Jo’s light footsteps make their way across the small apartment. Alex took a deep breath as he watched the doorknob of the bedroom turn.

“Alex?” Jo stopped in shock staring at the sight before her. “What is going on?”

“Happy Valentine’s Day?” Alex smiled awkwardly and pointed around the room. “You said you’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day and neither have I, so I thought I’d put together something nice. But now that you’re staring at me like that, I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t have.”

Jo stood slack-jawed as her eyes scanned the room, noticing the rose petals, the candles, the champagne, a letter with her name on it, and Alex standing in a pair of red, silk boxer briefs, looking back at her with flushed cheeks. She let out the tiniest laugh, “Oh my God.”

“And now you’re laughing at me. Great,” Alex grumbled, face turning hot with embarrassment. “I knew I shouldn’t have done this.”

“I’m not laughing at you,” Jo grinned, eyes shining. “I’m laughing because I’m in shock and I can’t believe you’d do this for me. You aren’t exactly the most romantic guy.”

“I know,” Alex sighed. “I know I’m not the most romantic guy and this is probably really weird for you, but you deserve this. You deserve all of this and more. So yeah, I bought champagne and put flowers on the bed, I wrote you a love letter and I’m standing here in these… really tight red shorts because you’re worth it. And if I have to make a fool out of myself to show you that, then I’ll do it.”

Jo’s face softened and she grabbed Alex’s face in her hands, “I love you. And I love that you care so much. But really, Alex you know me. You didn’t have to do all of this. Valentine’s Day is special and has been special for the past two years because I’ve gotten to spend it with you.” She lifted her hands off his face and ran them along the waistband of his red boxer briefs, looking at him suggestively. “Besides, I am a simple girl.”

“Really now?” Alex raised his eyebrows and allowed a sly grin to make its way onto his face. “So… what do you say we forget all the fancy stuff and just have sex?”

“Hold it right there, mister,” Jo placed her hand on his chest and pushed lightly. “At least pop the champagne first.”

“Yes ma’am.”

———

(January 2008)

“Hey! I haven’t seen you around in awhile,” Jo stood next to Lexie at the nurses station, bumping her friends shoulder as she looked her over. “You haven’t been avoiding me have you?”

Lexie’s eyes widened as she turned to Jo, a blush spreading across her cheeks, “No! I’ve just been busy, I’ve been on Sloan’s service so you know how that is.”

“Oh he still finds time to operate in between screwing every nurse in the hospital? Interesting,” Jo chuckled as she pulled the chart she’d come over to grab, noticing Lexie’s lack of response to her joke. “What? Don’t tell me you actually like the guy. He’s a major douche and that’s coming from someone who’s dating Alex.”

“Hey! Watch it,” Alex walked up to the duo, pressing a kiss to Jo’s cheek as he took the chart in her hands. “What’re you talking about? Sloan sleeping with all the nurses?”

“Why are we still talking about Sloan’s sex life?! Why can’t we just drop it,” Lexie’s voice was shrill and loud as Jo and Alex stared at her in confusion. “I have things to do, I have to go!”

Jo watched as Lexie stormed off, head tilting to the side as she tried to decipher her friend's mood. Alex shrugged, turning his attention to the chart in his hand, “Must be PMSing or something.”

“Alex! Come on,” Jo smacked Alex’s shoulder and stared at him incredulously. “Somethings up with Lexie, I don’t know what it is but I’m going to find out.”

Alex rolled his eyes, pressing a kiss to Jo’s forehead before walking away, “Let me know what you figure out Sherlock!”

Jo couldn’t put her finger on what exactly was up with Lexie. She was for sure avoiding Jo now, turning the other way if she saw her in the cafeteria or in the hallways. And the other interns said she’d been leaving as soon as her shift was done, barely saying goodbye to them before jetting out the door.

After knowing each other for almost five years, Jo and Lexie kept very few secrets from each other. The situation at hand however made Jo nervous, worried that maybe she’d done something to upset Lexie. Lost in her thoughts, she almost missed the frantic voice of her best friend as she rounded a corner towards the surgical floor.

“Jo! I need your help,” Jo turned towards Lexie’s voice, finding the brunette leaning out of an on call room with a nervous look. “I messed up, oh I’m so screwed. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier but-“

“I said Torres not an intern,” the voice booming inside the on call room made Jo’s eyebrows sky rocket into her hairline as she met Lexie’s eyes. “Come on Little Grey, I’m dying here.”

Jo tried to peek around Lexie, but the other girl kept herself firmly positioned in the doorway, “Oh my god, are you sleeping with Sloan?!”

“Yes and I think I broke his… you know…,” Jo pressed a hand to her mouth as she realized exactly what Lexie was saying. “Do not laugh! This is not a laughing matter! I need you to get Torres, please?”

“Okay okay, but you owe me so big,” Jo walked away, giggles escaping her as she began her hunt for Torres. “Oh man I’m never letting her live this down.”

Jo continued down the hallways in search of Doctor Torres, frustrated that she was seemingly nowhere to be found. She really did want to help Lexie out, but she had her own work to deal with.

“What’s got you all hot and bothered, Princess,” Jo visibly relaxed as Alex came into her view. “You need me to drag you into an on call room for some stress relief?”

A chuckle left Jo as she shook her head, “No I’m looking for Torres actually. You will not believe what I just witnessed.”

“Torres and I just finished a consult actually,” Alex motioned to the orthopedic surgeon who sauntered up to the duo.

Callie eyed Jo suspiciously as the younger woman wrung her hands. Before she could ask what was happening, Jo blurted out her dilemma, “I found Lexie in an on call room and I’m pretty sure she broke Mark Sloan’s penis.”

Alex and Callie stared at Jo in shock, both too stunned to answer as they took in what she’d just said. A moment passed before Alex broke out into loud laughter, followed shortly by Callie who was struggling to fight off tears as she bellowed with laughter.

“That’s a good one Wilson,” Callie clapped Jo’s shoulder as she wiped at her cheeks. “Oh that’s a funny joke!”

Jo rolled her eyes, turning to Alex with a serious expression, “I’m not making this up! I’m pretty sure that’s why Lexie was acting weird the other day, because she’s been sleeping with Sloan. And now she’s gone and broken the man’s prized possession.”

“That’s her serious face,” Alex pointed out, his laughter dying down as he stared at Jo in disbelief. “Wait, Lex really broke Sloan’s penis?”

“Yes! Will you please go help them,” Jo pleaded to Callie. “I love Lexie but I don’t wanna think about her and Sloan getting it on. That’s too much, even for me.”

“Oh no Wilson, you’re not getting out of this that easy,” Callie shook her head in amusement. “I’ll give you two minutes while I go check on him and call Shepherd or Hunt, but you’re scrubbing in on that surgery.”

Jo’s face dropped in horror as Callie walked away. Jo looked at Alex, “Oh God… I think I might be traumatized after this.”

“I’m never gonna let Lexie live this down,” Alex laughed again. “She always gave us so much shit about our sex lives. She will never hear the end of it from me.”

“I just don’t understand,” Jo shook her head in confusion. “Why Sloan? He’s like… sixteen years older than her.”

“People want who they want,” Alex shrugged.

“No you don’t get it. Lexie has only slept with like six people in her entire life. She’s normally so selective with who she sleeps with. She doesn’t sleep with just anyone,” Jo turned to Alex with raised eyebrows. “That’s why I’m so surprised she ever slept with you.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex scrunched his face and pointed to himself. “I’m great in bed.”

“Yeah but you’re you,” Jo patted his shoulder and walked away. Leaving Alex standing there in confusion.

***

Jo had just scrubbed out of surgery when she found Lexie waiting outside for her, sheepish expression on her face, “Look… Jo—“

“How long?” Jo raised an eyebrow at her friend. “How long have you been sleeping with him?”

“Two and a half months,” Lexie mumbled quietly, avoiding eye contact with her friend.

“Two months! Geez, Lexie,” Jo shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me? I tell you practically everything. Two and a half months? You found out about Alex and I days after we got together.”

“I know,” Lexie banged her head against the wall. “I—He’s my attending. And he’s notorious for screwing anything with a pulse. I just didn’t want anyone’s judgments or opinions. Especially because I was the one who initiated everything.”

“Lex, I’m not just anyone,” Jo leaned against the wall next to Lexie. “I am your best friend. I’m the person you’re supposed to talk to about this stuff. And I know I didn’t have a lot of experience in being someone’s person before meeting you, I do know that these are the kind of things that we should be talking about.”

“I know. And I’m sorry,” Lexie sighed. “It’s just… ever since my mom died last year, I can’t help but clam up when I should be talking to you about what I’m going through.”

“How about this, any time you share something with me, I share something with you. You told me about Sloan so now I’m going to tell you something,” Jo turned to face her friend. “Do you remember back in May when I was a wreck and Alex came to Boston to check on me?”

“Yeah,” Lexie nodded. “I was really worried. You wouldn’t talk or eat. All you did was cry.”

“Well, I had a pregnancy scare back then.”

“You what?” Lexie’s eyes widened.

“And I didn’t know how to deal with it so I just cried for three days before Alex showed up,” Jo looked over at Lexie and let out the smallest laugh. “He was so good about it, too. He held me and took me to buy the test and read the results. Then he told me that I wasn’t crazy for feeling a little disappointed that the test was negative. And… that was the first time he told me that he wants to marry me and have kids with me one day. When we’re ready.”

“Jo that’s—wow,” Lexie reached over and squeezed her best friend’s hand. “We really got to do better at talking to each other.”

“Yeah we do,” Jo agreed.

“I can’t believe you thought you were pregnant and didn’t tell me,” Lexie narrowed her eyes at Jo.

“I can’t believe that you started sleeping with Sloan and didn’t tell me,” Jo countered.

“That’s fair,” Lexie’s face broke out into a grin. “Next time you think you’re pregnant, you better tell me.”

“Who says there’s gonna be a next time?” Jo wrinkled her eyebrows.

“Please,” Lexie scoffed. “With the way you and Alex go at it, I’m surprised that you’ve only had one scare.”

“Oh shush,” Jo shoved Lexie slightly. “Watch out, before you have a scare.”

“Please, my IUD is a faithful friend and she wouldn’t let me down,” Lexie grinned.

“I really hate you sometimes.”

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sophieebdaily · 3 years

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Sophie shared part of her biography, Spinning Plates, on Daily Mail. Read Sophie’s words:

As a teenager, I thought I’d be famous. Cringey to write, but true. I’d even practised my autograph on my friends’ school exercise books.

I was confident I’d never have to write my own life story, and that Madonna had the right idea: have books written about you, but don’t write them yourself. Well, I’m not Madonna, and I’m not that famous. So here it is. My story, told by me.

I was born on April 10, 1979, to a 25-year-old dad, Robin Bextor, a journalist and TV producer, and 23-year-old Janet Ellis, an actress and TV presenter. I don’t really have any memories of my parents happy together, as their marriage fell apart when I was four.

Mum was a Blue Peter presenter by then, and Dad had started directing That’s Life, a big Saturday night TV show starring Esther Rantzen. By the time I was five, their divorce was official.

They lived a few minutes’ walk from each other in West London. Mum and I were in a little flat on the same road as my school, and Dad was in our old home. I found it hard to go from house to house.

Originally they split their time with me 50-50, but after a while it changed to me being with Mum most of the time and Dad every other weekend.

Every memory I have of anything related to custody invokes feelings of guilt and stress. School holidays were split between them equally, but when there was an odd number of nights, arguments ensued about who would have me for that extra night.

I know it is the mark of loving parents that they wanted me with them, but I felt incredible pressure not to upset them by showing any preference. I didn’t want either parent unhappy, so I would hide how I felt and say what I thought they wanted to hear.

I used to wish I had a sibling so that another human could experience what I was going through. But out of one unhappy marriage I got two happy ones, so I’m glad they found my step-parents, John and Polly.

I honestly feel I’ve been raised by four people, not two, and strange as it may sound, I can see bits of all four of them reflected in me sometimes. Nature and nurture all at once.

By the age of 19 I was no longer an only child, but the oldest of six: three sisters and two brothers. That’s quite the leap from those early years on my own. My youngest siblings were only six and seven when I had my first baby at 23, so they are close in age.

I love the fact my family ended up so big and sprawling. I like having so much going on. Good job the tattoo on my arm just says ‘Family’ and not the names of those within it – the list would be down to my wrist by now.

For me, family is everything. I now have five sons of my own – five small humans to nurture and nourish to adulthood.

If I were to list the way my priorities have shifted over the years into a chart rundown it would go something like this:

In at No 1 – thinking about the kids!

Down 30 places – being cool.

Up five – being kind.

Down 10 – any kind of toxic relationship.

Down 50 – time for myself. That’s parenthood!

I wasn't sure whether I was going to include this bit, but this is my platform to write about whatever I want and the things that have shaped me.

This is one of those dark and murky events in my life which I haven’t told many people about, but I owe it myself to put it out there, so here goes.

I definitely bear the scars from my first experiences with men and sex. When I was a teenager I knew I fancied boys, but I seemed far behind my friends.

At 15, I felt inexperienced and prudish, while they all seemed to be getting off with boys every weekend and quite a few had lost their virginity.

By the time I was 16 I had snogged only a couple of boys and had never had a boyfriend.

But it was around then I started going to a local indie club in the hope of getting my musical career off the ground. I was already deciding that life as a singer was for me.

Through the club nights there, I met girls outside school, including two sisters who seemed worldly, experienced and well connected. Here was my chance to shake off my Enid Blyton persona.

They didn’t see me as a prude, but they did see me as a bit of a project.

‘Have a one-night stand,’ they said. ‘It’s easy. You just bring a man home with you and then sleep with him.’

This seemed so grown-up to me. I’d read in magazines about one-night stands. Clearly, being a grown woman meant being able to do this.

Not too long after, when I was 17, I was out at a gig with a group of friends, including the sisters.

By now I was in my first band, theaudience, and although we hadn’t yet done a gig – we had just recorded demos and rehearsed – I was so happy to be hanging out with fellow musicians.

At the after-show party, I found myself talking to an older man who was in a band. He was their guitarist and he seemed to like me. I felt flattered.

I mentioned I was doing A-level history and he said: ‘I did history. Would you like to come back to my flat and see my history books?’ Probably the lamest chat-up line in the world, but I went in a taxi with him back to his flat.

Let’s call him Jim, shall we? Once back at the flat, Jim actually did show me his history books. I found myself putting one about Napoleon III in my bag. I kept it for a while afterwards, but seeing it always made me feel sad and used.

You see, Jim and I started kissing and before I knew it we were on his bed and he took off my knickers. I heard myself saying ‘No’ and ‘I don’t want to’, but it didn’t make any difference.

He didn’t listen to me and he had sex with me and I felt so ashamed. It was how I lost my virginity and I felt stupid.

I remember staring at Jim’s bookcases and thinking: I just have to let this happen now.

After it was over, I lay on the bed feeling odd, trying to process what had just happened. He fell asleep and I slept, too, not really knowing how to get myself home in the middle of the night.

I woke up after a short while and I can remember angrily picking up my clothes from the floor while saying to myself, ‘I said “No” ’. I went and sat in his kitchen, watching TV, feeling dazed.

After a while, Jim came into the room. ‘Oh, I didn’t think you’d still be here,’ he said. Again, I felt stupid. I didn’t know I was supposed to have left. I didn’t know I was supposed to just go afterwards.

On the way home I wondered if everyone else on the Tube could tell what had happened to me. I felt grubby, but also unsure about my own feelings as I had no other experience to compare it with.

At the time, the way rape was talked about wasn’t to do with consent – it was something you associated with aggression. But no one had pinned me down or shouted at me to make me comply, so why should I feel so violated?

I have thought so much about why I wanted to write about this. My life is happy now and I would not say that I felt overly traumatised at the time, and yet I feel as if the culture that surrounded me – the things I saw and read and the way sex was discussed – made me believe I didn’t have a case.

My experience was not violent. All that happened was I wasn’t listened to. Of the two people there, one said yes, the other said no, and the yes person did it anyway.

The older I’ve become, the more stark that 29-year-old man ignoring 17-year-old me has seemed.

I think it’s telling that when I came to write this book, this story was the one I wrote first. By going back to that room and to that time when I felt I didn’t have a voice, I can now give myself that voice.

I am not interested in naming and shaming the guy involved – I’ve Googled him and he seems to be happily going about his business and is in what looks like a happy long-term relationship. But I do want to encourage anyone to realise where the line between right and wrong lies.

I’m a mother of five young men now, and I introduce the concept of consent pretty early.

I want to raise considerate, kind people who can take other people’s feelings into account. I want them to actively want the other person to be happy, too, rather than just stopping because they have to.

I never saw Jim again, but a friend bumped into him and, when my name came up, he said we’d dated. We never dated. He didn’t even want to see me. He definitely didn’t want to listen to me.

I’ve asked myself why it’s important to write about these experiences. Why go over something that wasn’t very pleasant? Why make it public?

But I think if you experience something you know is wrong, then being brave and honest about it helps, and if anyone else has been through something similar, it might help us all talk about it.

But that’s not all. It’s also because I was silent about it for so long. It started to feel like I’m being complicit. I wasn’t heard when I was 17, but I think I’ll be heard now.

Looking back, I believe I had my first panic attack while filming a TV show. The anxious feeling had been brewing for a while, waiting for the right moment to tip me over the edge. It was December 2001 and my song Murder On The Dancefloor was about to be released.

I remember arriving at the TV studio and a colleague excitedly showing me my diary, which was completely packed for weeks. I couldn’t share her enthusiasm, but nodded my head and then walked on to the set in a bit of a daze.

I was starting to feel anxious and claustrophobic. As the sound man put on my radio mic, I started to feel more and more shaky, but I couldn’t leave the set. I couldn’t find any legitimate way of escaping.

I can’t remember all the guests but one was Jay Kay from Jamiroquai and DJ Jo Whiley was the host. Everything seemed hyper-real and I couldn’t work out if people were talking too fast or I was talking too slow.

I said: ‘Sorry, I’ve just got to go to the loo.’ I ended up on the street outside where I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself.

To his credit, my manager told me I could just leave if I wanted to. But I was able to get back in and finish the filming. And afterwards I felt elated.

As anyone who has had a panic attack knows, the only upside of the nightmarish ‘am I actually going mad?’ midst of the attack itself is that once it subsides it can give way to an almost euphoric high.

After that, panic attacks became regular visitors in my life. After a month or two of these episodes, it was my mother who diagnosed me. She said she’d read an article about panic attacks and thought that was probably what was going on with me.

But what to do about it? The triggers seemed to be any situation I felt I couldn’t walk away from without being conspicuous.

Tube carriages when the train suddenly stopped in a tunnel caused immediate panic. This paranoia increased the panic and I’d be sent spiralling into a shortness of breath, the craziness in my head and an inability to get a proper grasp on the passing of time.

Other panic-inducing situations included things such as meetings with my record label, where we’d sit in a boardroom with the door shut.

But the biggest and baddest of these situations was live TV.

Eventually I thought to myself: Enough, I need to sort this out.

The most popular route to help with panic attacks seemed to be hypnotherapy. This was the first therapy I’d ever tried – for anything – and I was a bit wary.

The initial session – with a very well-meaning practitioner – did nothing for me. She put on calming music and told me to lie still and relax, which sent me straight into the beginnings of an attack.

After that, a friend told me about someone who had been treated by the hypnotist Paul McKenna.

He’d become a regular fixture on TV and claimed he could change your life. I wasn’t sure whether he could really help me but I got in touch and trotted along to his place in Kensington, West London.

We spoke about the triggers of my anxiety and about other situations when I’d felt that way.

He said to imagine that I was standing in a room, and in the corner there was a television with a black-and-white image on it. The image should be an image of me from when I first remembered feeling out of control.

I thought back to when I was little and my mum and dad had split up, and all the fights over where I would spend the time, especially when there was an uneven number of nights to be shared.

The image I saw was me standing there at around the age of six while my stepmum explained how Dad was feeling about not seeing me as much as he’d like to.

While she spoke, I felt incredibly guilty and out of control.

The pressure was too much and I didn’t want to hurt anyone or upset anyone. I simply didn’t know what to do.

Paul listened and told me to get closer to the screen and then let the image turn from black-and-white to colour.

‘Now step inside the image. Climb into the scene and speak to that little version of yourself. Tell her you’re now an adult, that it’s OK she didn’t know what to do, and that you’ve grown into a happy grown-up so she doesn’t need to worry. It’s all going to be OK, and you can tell her that.’

I did what he said and shortly afterwards I walked out of Paul’s house in a daze.

I had been completely awake and aware throughout the session, but boy, was it powerful. For the next two or three days I could remember so many details from the time I was around the age of six or seven – things I had long forgotten, sights and smells. It was bizarre, but it really worked.

Since that time I’ve had the inklings of a panic attack – the occasional little tug – but never again has it bloomed into a full-blown thing. Whatever Paul said to me that day, in just one session, was incredibly effective in giving the power back to me. I’m so grateful to him. Especially amazing was the fact that he never charged me. He told me to make a contribution to charity, instead, which I did of course.

Pretty cool, that.

Lockdown woes and the joy of our Kitchen Disco

When lockdown first started, my husband Richard and I felt like most people. A bit freaked out, stressed by the heaviness of the news, discombobulated by the tilt our world was now on.

We’d started 2020 with a very full diary of gigs and overnight they were gone. Not only that, but our kids were suddenly off school and they were unnerved, too.

Meanwhile, online there were so many talented musicians performing songs, accompanying themselves on piano or guitar and sounding lovely. I had such a strong urge to do something fun and creative that we too could put out there.

Richard suggested we do a live gig on Instagram – the easiest platform without needing complicated streaming rights in order to transmit music live.

The first gig we streamed was pretty ridiculous. I put on a sparkly catsuit and I kept having to warn Richard, who was filming it, when he was about to walk backwards on to our crawling baby, who was only 14-months-old at the time.

I did my thing and shimmied about and embraced the absurdity, as did Richard, who joined me wearing an animal mask and playing on his Millennium Falcon bass (he’s the bass player in rock band The Feeling).

Afterwards, we wondered what the hell we’d just done. We’d always been pretty private about our home and we’d never put the kids’ faces out into the world, but in the midst of the pandemic and the whole world gone wonky, none of that felt important or relevant any more.

The desire to connect with folk, have some fun, alleviate some tension and distract ourselves won out.

Still, I was genuinely expecting a lot of ridicule. I was a 40-year-old woman in full sparkle singing pop songs surrounded by her offspring. I assumed people would make fun of me. But they didn’t.

I think the intensity of the news meant daftness was in short supply. Plus, who doesn’t love to dance around to let some of the stress go?

Also, the cartoony strangeness of the sequins and the sprogs was like a caricature of what so many people had been experiencing.

Music has always been our family’s way of flipping the script – to celebrate or dance about and be silly, to shake off tension or to make each other laugh. It doesn’t always work – I’m pretty sure all my kids will leave home relieved they won’t hear me singing around the house any more – but when it’s good, it’s great.

One friend said that when she saw our Kitchen Discos that I looked the happiest she’d ever seen me. Lockdown was downright awful sometimes and I shouted/raged/resented more than normal, but the discos have been pure joy and I hope the kids will look back on them fondly.

Strange times. But I have felt such enormous affection for all who’ve been over to our house, virtually. What a lovely community of dancing people.

I’m proud to be part of the party and it has reminded me yet again of the importance of joy for joy’s sake, and silliness and music as a tonic for the soul.

Spinning Plates, the book, is out on October 7th. Click here to pre-order a copy.

#spinning plates #sophie ellis bextor

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goblinconceivable · 3 years

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oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing. (I can’t be the only one who does that...) Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again. And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there. Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it. Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first. I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show. Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.) Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy. Like, WTF was that about? I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching. First couple seasons: brilliant. Downhill from there. But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together. One hot second and bam.*** Every. Time. Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least. But these two, nope. And know what? THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH. I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one. And Izzie got the short stick. Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen. There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.) Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to. She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle. It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off. In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character. When did KH ask to be let out? If it was after this point, Shonda svcks. I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth. Because he’s not really in a real relationship. I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful. Which is most of the time, so they gave me that. I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.” Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts. Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie. I love that he loves her the whole time. But he’s willing to step back. He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean. But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows. Izzie doesn’t make him. She entices him. Yeah, often directs him, especially at first. But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily. And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards. He reaches out to her a lot. And she turns him aside a lot. And he keeps loving. Even if romance is off the table. He runs after her a lot. Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot. Is understanding a lot. He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook. Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct. I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water. (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker. Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me. Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny. They’re all standing around. No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her. In a really caring way. And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh? (Mebbe?) And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly. And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie. I don’t think he even wants to stop. Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine. But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged. But also born. Stars uncrossed. I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was. Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because... it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be. She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside. She knows. She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually. Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her. Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him. And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her. I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it. She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him. The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync. And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s. And those two things weave into each other. Kinda like rats and the food button. When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.” So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again. And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter. And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care. She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in. But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair. There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her. She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues. But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny. Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her. The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope. Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA. Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives. And I do think female character’s side guys have a habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life.

At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman: yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying. Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love. BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted. 1) That he desperately wants a family. 2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy. Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first. And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change. But we didn’t. So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that. Something taken slowly! We got to explore it. Did feel a bit drawn out tbh. But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess. Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others. This was their development for the season. Which was mostly Alex. But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well. Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment? Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more. Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands. And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that. It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.” She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient. She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly. And she’s still in charge. She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to carry this on your own. We have it now. Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden. And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring. She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve. Stages of grief ya’ll. He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca. He’s in denial that anything is wrong. He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.) He dives into bargaining. She’ll be okay if he can take care of her. He can do it. He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression. Not just Rebecca, but about his mom. And Izzie approaches him differently. In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend. An equal. Which is what he needs right now. His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid. Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed. But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically. Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information. Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand. And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex. I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything. And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way. Bargaining again, I suppose. “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.” But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died. Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person. And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca. And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment. Of understanding. She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else. Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that. How to process that in a way that feels manly to him? Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing. And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him. He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories. But also... stages of grief. He needs to feel it, so he can accept it. He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love. Take out the romantic/sexual aspect. Take out the friendship. The trust. The family. Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love. And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care. Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho. It’s such a wonderful foil. Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see. He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.” (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself. He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable. He let Izzie get too close. He’s afraid. It’s all a tangle. And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards. So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5. And actually they start out close. They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her. He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial. And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.” And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either). Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact. They don’t talk about it, it’s fine. Pretending it did not happen. But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped. It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same. Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer. Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind. That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others. Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim. It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it. And he does feel super close to her. But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light. For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation. I’m a bit stuck and going in circles. If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously? Doesn’t understand him? I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak? Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t. But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person. Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff. But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman. Were those scenes meant to be inverted? Or is he going into this eyes wide open? Trying to prove something? He’s hurting her though, is it intentional? Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up. But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape. Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self? They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off. Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him. She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly. And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him. Though her barb about STD did hit him. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could? He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight. It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did. They are incredibly close. And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening. He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda. Follows her out into the hall when she leaves. The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right. And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too. “Okay, ... I”m trying to be- I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is??? Trying to not be emotionally stunted. Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation. Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand. Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her. And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her. And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts. ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.” And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.” Dad calls for son while kinda dying. I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot? And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares. With a hefty does of potential regret. It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested. His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.” He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.” Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough. But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more. And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time. And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome. *sobs* And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window? And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No. Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there? They always say yes. Eventually. And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things. It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life. In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building. He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting. And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing. I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything. But he’s also not lying. He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle. He’d stay with Jo then out of... ? Halp. The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable. Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life. It’s all happiness of them individually, not together. But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse? No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs. Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo. Also exposition. References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie. It scared him because... ? He focuses on the kids. It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her. Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight. Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins. It’s a free pass to perfection. But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever. I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie. But that’s kinda tenuous. It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for. Izzie would for Denny. In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings. So in a way she gave up her life for Alex. And never reached out to him but did respond when he did. She picked up the phone. Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones. And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids. I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle. And he’s become a man who does the right thing. And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish. He one perfect thing is in Kansas. And it’s the family. It’s a family with Izzie. And his kids. It’s the whole package. If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough? Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.” But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is. He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction. He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive. Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things. She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.) Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary. And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her. He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth. Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them. He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot. Maybe it’s a Miranda thing? After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her. He doesn’t need her like that. And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate. But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to... come back for him. To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back. I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.

Interesting point “we married...” It’s a promise. He starts with “I’m sorry.” His breakup speech to her - rehearsed? He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie. So his dying speech was also fear based? He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock. To when is his mind taking him? It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup. It’s been months but that’s still recent enough. So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.” They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t. That hasn’t changed.

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her. A happy, rich and full life. He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it. Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo. Maybe it’s contentment? Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows? Meh. Back to frozen. He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life. It’s immersive but static, a snapshot. And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.

Letter to Meredith. “It’s about me.” Which is sorta back to breakup speech. It was about him, ending the relationship. He didn’t deserve to be left. And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids. There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love. So I’m torn. Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love. Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not? Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married? Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right? Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

#alex x izzie #grey's anatomy #brain dump #meta #why couldn't i just leave well enough alone #and mess around with a vignette for funsies and a writing exercise #and not actually look at canon #because now i have feels #and am confused #and there are barriers to my feels #but it's okay i will live in my own little AU #and remember and know more than i did #given it was many many many years ago #i mean over 13 #right after season 4 started #izzex

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lucysuniverse · 3 years

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Critical Beauty

Am I the only one who thinks Jo Jinho is perfect just the way he is? Probably not. :D

To be honest I incredibly miss this man so I just wanted to feel him a bit closer while I am writing this story and he is serving in the military.

Happy Birthday Jinho! We love you all.

Pairing: Jinho x OC/reader

Genre: comfort, romance, angst

Word count: 6081

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I messed up. Like totally. My dad and those idiot colleagues of mine totally washed my brain. But after all I was the one ruining our relationship completely. And I could not blame him for having the will to break up with me because If I was in his shoes I would have done the same.

-|-

I knew it wasn’t right this way. We lived together for almost a year by now, and I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him that I was lying to him continuously in order to protect him from pain and save his self-esteem. Or at least this was my intention through-out the years.

We lived in a small flat. This is what we could afford. I just graduated from high-school and he was going to auditions. One after another. He was determined, and he was good. Insanely good. I couldn’t understand what is missing. What do you need more to become a singer? Didn’t he have outstanding vocals? He did. Didn’t he have a bit shy but loveable personality? He did. Didn’t he have sense of humor? HE DID. And on top of that he was handsome. WHAT WAS MISSING THEN???

As his girlfriend my heart was aching to watch all his efforts go to waste after so many years passed. We had a relatively big age gap between us. Well as long as you’re a teenager or young adult even two and a half years difference seem a lot. But later on, it doesn’t really matter. Especially not when you like someone. Because you like them for the person they are.

I loved him so incredibly. Because he was great. He was caring and cute but sometimes surprisingly masculine and very hot. I couldn’t wish for a better man. There was only one thing missing. Actually, not was but were. 5 more inches.

Because although we were quite far from each other in terms of age, we were all the more so close in terms of height. To be honest I guess I might have been smaller than him, but it never felt like that. And every time I thought about this I felt ashamed. Because that was the only thing which gave me hard times. I wouldn’t say I didn’t like his height. I liked everything about him. But sometimes I just wished he was a tiny bit taller, or I was even smaller (if that was possible).

Sometimes I found myself wondering about this: this couldn’t be the reason of him failing all those auditions, right? They can’t be so mean right? If you’ve ever heard a good singer than you would know that Jo Jinho was one of them.

This is why I always told my father to wait just a little. He was really opposing our relationship. I would have understood his concerns if he had real reasons, since I was his only daughter. But what he always said was ridiculous, narrow-minded and I just resent him for that.

“When will he finally stop this stupid joke of becoming a singer. Didn’t he have enough throughout these years?”

“I am fine dad. How about you?” I said as a reply. I was so fed up listening to his bullshit all the time. He heard Jinho singing. And even though he would have never admitted, he knew Jinho was born to be a singer. Anybody could tell. But sadly, in his eyes only those are real men who are lawyers or doctors. When they divorced with mom, he even found me a real man… My dad thought I should go on a blind date with the trainee of his divorce lawyer. He even complimented his ears! Like what the heck! My always logical and strict dad tells me to date the trainee of his divorce lawyer because he has nice ears.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve never thought about leaving Jinho, but my dad nagged me all the time so I checked the guy’s social media pages. Funfact: he was born on the freaking same day in April as Jinho. Am I freaking joke?

“Little woman… I am your dad no need to act like this. But think about your future kids. Will they be also minions?”

“Bye dad it was good to talk to you.” And I hung up. I didn’t want to ignore him. After all he was my dad. But we never had a good relationship. Well a relationship at all. But the irritating thing was that even if I tried to ignore all these comments he made me angry. I couldn’t stop myself. I should not marry Jinho but we are already expecting kids?! And minions? And these are my dad’s words when he himself isn’t a giant either. ARRGGGGHHH!

“Hi babe! Is everything okay?” Jinho asked. And as always, I put on a nice smile and said “yeah, all good.” And I hated myself for that.

-|-

“What is that?” He asked curiously. I didn’t know he was still at home. I wanted to put the box back under the bed as soon as possible but it was too late he saw it.

“Oh this? It is just something stupid. It is not important. Did you leave something here?”

“Yeah, I left my phone on the charger. But don’t change the topic. It must be something important if you were staring at it so dearly.”

“Oh no. You misunderstood.”

“Okay, enough of this. What’s that? Do you have something to hide from me?” And even though he didn’t say this in an offended way there was edge in his voice.

“It’s your birthday gift.”

“My birthday gift?”

“Yeah.” I knew this couldn’t work. But I couldn’t come up with a real acceptable reason.

“It was last month. And procrastination is your middle name so it can’t be for my next one, I am not buying this. So, what is that?”

“I will bring this back okay? I don’t know why I bought this. I must have lost my mind. I just …”

“Oh show me finally.” And before I could give him the box he took it out of my hands.

“You must be kidding me, right?” He asked after 3 minutes of torturing silence.

“Look I am sorry. I know we should be saving money and …. but I can ask for refund and also…”

“You created such a big scene just because of this?” And he was laughing. He was LAUGHING!

“What? Aren’t you mad?”

“Why would I be? Should I?”

“Oh… yeah. I mean no. No. I just thought… I just…”

“You thought I would be upset to found out that my girlfriend is secretly buying a pair of high-heels for herself to feel pretty? I am getting more upset now that I know you felt like you should hide this. Also, why did you think I didn’t want to see your pretty legs in this? I thought you knew me better. If that’s all I am off for work. Bye babe see you in the afternoon.” And he gave me a light kiss on my forehead. And I felt on my skin he was smiling. “And I hope next time I see you, you’ll be wearing these.” And he casually left the room.

I made a fool out of myself. I really thought he would be offended by this. I mean it wasn’t a big deal to give up on high-heels. They weren’t very comfortable anyway and we really had to save money. But I was young and for the first time in my life I felt getting more feminine. Maybe I was already but this time I started to realize.

I thought it was selfish of me having these secret desires to put on a bit tighter clothes and wore high-heels especially when he is not really taller than me, but after having this conversation I was even more encouraged. I knew he didn’t have problems with it and that was all that mattered. I was happily tiptoeing to the office. My colleagues even complimented me.

The girls were jealous for having those nice shaped legs, and the boys… let’s not talk about them. If you think they will become serious once they grow up… Well friend you are totally mistaken. Boys will be boys. But they didn’t cross the line, in their own way they complimented me as well. And I felt confident and happy. All thanks to my sweet boyfriend whom I could always rely on.

I was in a really good mood until the point I let some idiots ruin my day. I couldn’t say they ruined it. I was the one let them do it. I just wish I never overheard their conversation.

“I was wondering why she is never coming to the year-end parties but now I see. The company is not yet prepared for those legs.”

“That was a good one bro. But they say she is just staying home all the time with that hopeless guy. I feel sorry for her to have such a boyfriend.”

“What really? Why aren’t they coming together?”

“Another rumor says it the guy is a dwarf. So, she is rather staying home with him.”

“Wow. How do you know so many things?”

“Resources…”

“Which girl then?”

“The blondie in the red jeans.”

“Mmmmmh.”

“Stop it she is mine.”

“Until when?”

“Tonight. Then you can have her.”

“You are disgusting man. Well done.” And they laughed.

“Ah but that sweetie. I really feel sorry for her. Having that boyfriend can be very burdensome.”

“Oh yeah. If I was her boyfriend, I would make sure she feels good in every situation.”

“You mean every position.”

“Exactly.” And they laughed again. “You know me so well.”

I felt dirty. It’s not like they did anything specific to me. They were just fantasizing. But I felt fucking dirty in that moment. I wanted to erase this conversation from my head but instead I heard their words repeatedly in my head.

I heard my shoes making that irritating sound on the street while I was going home. With every step I felt smaller and smaller. I regretted wearing that stupid high-heel… So as soon as I arrived home I put them back in their box cleaned, ready to bring them back to the shop. I would want to throw them away instantly but then suddenly I thought about Jinho.

We need to spare money. He needs to buy some nice clothes for the next audition. And also, we barely manage to pay the bills since I just started studying in the med school and next to collage it is quite hard to work. Sometimes I thought maybe I should just quit dreaming about becoming a doctor but there was a senior doc, my supervisor who inspired me a lot. Last month he helped that well-known celebrity couple. He said the lady had some complications while she was giving birth to their little girl but the doctor helped them and finally the little Daisy was born healthy. Some of my fellow classmates said he even resembles Jinho…. I don’t know why.

Talking about Jinho, he was quite clueless when he found me eating the third bowl of ice cream and watching Lovely Complex.

“You are still watching this?”

“Anime is not only for kids. And well I’ve just become an adult anyway, meaning I am still a kid. Let me be. Oh and if you go to the kitchen can you bring me the last Ben & Jerry’s? I know I shouldn’t be buying these but I just felt like having a pajama party on my own. Thanks babe. ”

“Look.” And he sat down next to me and slowly took away the Ben and Jerry’s from my hands to put it on the table. “Can we talk about today morning?”

“Sure. But what is there to talk about?”

“I hate it when you act like this. And the funny thing is that you know I do.” He smiled bitterly. I was aware of it. None of us were stupid. Well… we both were very clever to be honest. When I acted silly it was either out of fun or I was trying to hide something. Just like now.

“Okay. Sorry.”

“I feel like you are kind of disappointed in me. And I just wanted to let you know and thank you for enduring all these days and months together with me. I know that even if you don’t tell me that it is hard to tell your parents that I still didn’t make it.”

“Jinho it’s not your fault.”

“That is showbiz, I know. The only thing that hurts me is that when I started this utterly long and unpredictable journey, it was me and only me. But since then we found each other, and me failing all the time is not only an individual concern. We are a team. And I am not a good team mate. You just graduated and want to become a doctor. And I should support you.”

“Jinho you’ve already done so much for me, you can’t even imagine. And you do every single day. Even today. So, don’t just please don’t say you don’t support me, when you support me the most.”

“But then what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“Even after so many years I’ve never met your colleagues and I hardly ever meet your dad. I know you are working part-time and you are tired from doing college and your job at the same time but these parties could help you relieve stress a bit.”

“I don’t want you to meet those idiots.” And well, this was true. Not only because they would make a joke out of us, but after today I was kind of ashamed of working with those bastards.

“But I guess not all of them- oh what’s this? I am sorry babe but I need to pick this up, we will catch up on this okay?”

A producer called him. Or should I say the producer? The one who just became a dad. The one whose wife gave birth to the little Daisy in our hospital with the help of my professor. That producer. I was insanely happy. Finally, good news. I couldn’t bear anything bad any longer. But the worst was yet to come.

-|-

We were walking hand in hand on the streets. Finally, a promising audition. It was on Saturday so I could go with him to the company and show some support as I should. Once the audition was over Jinho shook hands with the producer. I could imagine them working together. I even found cute how they were both quite small.

Jinho said they would contact him later, but he had a good feeling about finally making it. I was so happy. I’ve never saw him so hopeful after an audition. When we were leaving the company there were six model like people nearing us. I was sure they just walked out of Vogue. The two most likely European girls alongside the four men suited each other very well. But not all the boys were Korean. One boy’s appearance shouted “Shanghai Prince” the other’s “Nagano Prince” but don’t ask me why. I just had this feeling.

I don’t know how Jinho felt but I was in awe. They looked stunning. Flawlessly chitchatting about a Flower Shop in the nearby. I always thought models have other topics to talk about. Well the owner of that shop must have done something very well then to become a hot topic.

“They were cool right?” He asked suddenly.

“Yeah.”

“Just wait a little longer. I will become one of them anytime soon.”

“I know.”

And I really knew that he would succeed. He was supposed to be a singer. I even imagined myself becoming his manager. I loved helping people. And I was determined about med school, but for him I could have given up on it. I knew with his music he may be curing more people in his life than me as a doctor. So after all our goal was the same.

As we were nearing home familiar faces were getting closer. The two guys that bullied me in high school. They always had something against me. If I had red nails I was a slut if I wore a turtleneck they called me a nun. They ate my lunch, stole my notebooks etc. Same old thing. Bullies are so uncreative.

“Oh hi dear. Long time no see.”

“Hi guys.” And I started to panic but wanted to grab Jinho’s hand and leave as soon as possible.

“Hey its Saturday, why such a hurry? Knowing you, you don’t have any plans or invitations, do you?”

“I am sorry boys, but we will be leaving.” Jinho said firmly.

“Oh, did you see someone? I heard a voice but I don’t know where it comes from.” One of them said.

“I don’t know man. Maybe our favorite girl can tell us.” And now they were both looking at me challengingly.

“You guys are still not tired of the same old shit, are you?” I asked with a bored face but deep inside I was startled. I hated seeing them again, I hated the fact that even after graduation they can do this to me and Jinho as well.

“Same old shit? Look at you. Are you talking about yourself?”

“It was enough. Get lost.” Jinho said again.

“It is strange I keep on hearing things but I don’t see anyone.” One said.

“Poor girl. You should have higher expectations. Are should I say taller?” The other added. And they laughed. I was about to cry. Why is this happening to us, when finally, things seemed to become better.

“Is he the best you could end up with? Oh god your still so low-class as you used to be… or is he not your boyfriend? Correct me if I misunderstood.”

And that was when I fucked up. I didn’t say anything. I hesitated. There were no good answers. I knew them so well, no matter what I was about to say, they would turn it against me. But even that should have been better than this.

“I am sorry guys, but if that’s the problem, I can tell you we are not together. Look at her. Is she someone to mess around someone like me? Definitely no. She is better than that. She has a taller, funnier and richer guy next to her. He has just entered that building at the end of the corner. I guess you both know which building I am referring to.”

“Is that true?” They asked at the same time.

It was our only chance to finally escape from this nightmare situation. They could stop us if they wanted any time. We were both too small to resist if they were up to something.

“Yeah, that’s right. He works there.”

And as if the curse was broken, they nodded with respect and were no longer blocking our way.

“If that’s the case, we are sorry about what we said. We knew you are going to make it. And who is that lucky guy? Yanan? Shinwon? Yuto? No waaaay. Oh my god are you dating Jung Wooseok?”

I had no clue what they were talking about, but I had this gut feeling that my dear ex-classmates became fanboys throughout the years. FANBOYS! It was ridiculous. I couldn’t help but smile out of embarrassment.

“I am sorry, but you also know that we should respect the artist’s privacy. I cannot say more.”

“Okay, so its Wooseok. Oh my god. He is a legend. Could you please get his autograph?”

“I am sorry but we should get going. Jinho has- wait… Jinho?”

“Oh the small guy? He left couple of minutes ago when it turned out you are dating Wooseok. Is he jealous by the way? He might have some feelings for you. But don’t mind him girl. You are dating the great Jung Wooseok. What else can a person ask for?”

For a forgiving boyfriend I guess. I left these two idiots there and I started to run after Jinho as fast as I could. Did he say he is leaving I just didn’t notice? Was he upset? Did he leave something at the audition? I called him several times but I couldn’t reach him. After going back to the company and checking the possible places where we were that day I decided to finally go home. I just hoped he would be there.

-|-

He was at home. And he didn’t seem upset. He told me to take a shower after this tiring day. It was his tiring day though. If only I had the audition today.

We spent the afternoon calmly he was practicing and I watched a movie. The male protagonist kinda resembled the divorce lawyer’s trainee. Yang Hongseok. And wait a second, he is at the same agency where Jinho had the audition. Nice. I was so happy and excited I really hoped they will call him back with good news.

Jinho was practicing for hours. He only did this when he was determined and wanted to prove himself before an upcoming audition or when he was hurt. I started to have a bad feeling. There isn’t any upcoming audition. Shit.

I prepared some nice food and I cautiously knocked on his door to tell him we can have dinner. He didn’t seem angry or anything he just casually nodded and we started to eat.

“About today… thank you for saving me. These two were always bullying me and if you weren’t next to me today I might have ended up crying and hurt again.”

“At least YOU are not hurt.” And the way he said ‘you’ was different.

After minutes of awkward silence he thanked for the food and was on his way to go back practicing.

“Wait Jinho.”

“Yeah?” He asked indifferently.

And I couldn’t ask what I wanted.

“There is dessert for you in the fridge.”

“For me? Aww. That’s nice. I thought it is for someone else. Maybe for Jung Wooseok.”

Bingo. I knew something was fishy…

“I don’t even know who that guy is. And you are well aware of this. Look, I know those two are disgusting and resentful but it was you who stopped them. It was thanks to your made up story that they finally stopped.”

“Oh right. You are so right. What if we just pretend not dating anymore? Maybe it will solve other worries too?!”

“What? Do you want to break up?”

And I saw that he kinda froze at this question. He didn’t mean it. But if he was mentioning break up he must have been hurt for real.

“No. Of course not. This is why I was kind of avoiding you. I wanted to talk about this when I have calmed down. But fine since it’s out it can’t be helped.”

I was getting nervous. The thought of losing him was more than painful. I didn’t want to live without him. I couldn’t live without him.

“I always thought we are a great team. Even if there are things we should work on we were always open about concerns and we solved the problems together. But I am worried this situation right now is not something we can change even if we work together.”

“We can solve everything together, okay? I want to solve it. Jinho please. I understand and realize that I must have hurt you with my words. And I am so sorry about that. I never wanted to hurt you. I should have told them the truth.”

“Do you know how much happier you looked when I said you are dating this illusionary taller, funnier and richer guy? Do you realize how relieved you were when they showed you respect for dating an idol? Do you get it finally? I love you so incredibly. But this is me. Only this much. I cannot give you more. I am working hard to get there. I might be there someday. But it won’t change facts. I am Jo Jinho, I am 5.6. I don't look like a model. I don’t have money. But I love you. That’s all I can give. But I am not sure it is enough. I am no longer sure I can give you the things you need. I am not sure what I can give you is the same as you want me to give you.”

“What?”

Is this really how I behaved? Is this really how I made him feel?

“I am not saying we should break up, but I am asking you to reconsider what you want from me and from this relationship. I want you to be honest. I promise you even if you say ‘I am sorry but I only date guys above 5.8’ it will hurt and I will be broken, but I will accept it. As long as I know you made the right choice in order to be with someone who can make you happy, I will accept your decision.”

“No Jinho. You totally misunderstood. I don’t want to date anybody else. Who cares about those stupid inches?”

“You. It was only you. Always. Did you ever hear me complaining about it? This might sound cruel but I learned to accept myself and love myself in this way. And it was a hard and long journey. I won’t pretend it is only about you. I don’t want to lose this confidence. I don’t want to become that insecure man I was before. But you make me feel like someone who needs to be protected, someone who should be hidden. I don’t want to feel like this.”

“I never wanted to hurt you.” I said while my tears were falling.

“I know you never did. It was unintentional. But you’ve hurt me. I just want you to realize a lot of things can be improved and changed, but my height is not something I can modify. Please just think about it. If you still want me this way, just let me know. I would be happy to stay together.”

And he left me there. I would want to hug somebody, and I needed his presence but, I was kind of glad he didn’t see my ugly crying face.

He was so damn right. And I could totally understand the way he felt. If you love someone you shouldn’t make them feel like trash. And it was always and only me who had those concerns. The rumors spread by the colleagues and my dad’s stupid words. I am not sure how I really felt. Maybe I was just influenced by them but I was worried I might have cared too much about his height.

Everything was up to me now. He was waiting for my answer. Even after I hurt him so bad, he didn’t want to break up. It was up to me to choose an average life with a divorce lawyer’s trainee type of guy, or choose a different type of life with him. A life with Jo Jinho.

-|-

We’ve slept separately. It was better this way. I was suffering alone but it just made me realize how much I needed his presence, how much I wanted to see his face when I woke up and how badly I wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me.

I prepared a nice breakfast. I wanted to clear things as soon as possible, but food is important too. Kids, don’t forget to eat breakfast!

“Hi! Good morning!”

“Good morning! Wow. So many nice dishes. Is this a compensation?”

“It’s an ‘I am sorry for being a bad girlfriend’.”

“Oh thank god it’s not an ‘I am sorry for breaking up with you’.” He said with a smile. But I couldn’t laugh at it. I know he was hurt. And him trying to make a joke out of it meant that he was hurt more than he showed.

“I am not gonna leave you Jinho.”

“I am sorry I didn’t mean it.”

“Look. I… I… messed up okay? I understand that even if I had good intentions I’ve hurt your feelings. But I think we can solve this too. I wanted to say thank you for finally saying what I should have heard. The thing is that you were right. I was the one obsessed with your height. And the saddest is that not specifically because of you. I thought if I am almost as tall as you I can not be a fragile, small woman. I wanted to be smaller, I wanted to be the one who needs to be protected. And I couldn’t accept myself in this way. I didn’t see me the way I wanted.”

“I wish you would see yourself with my eyes just to understand how beautiful you are.”

“I am sorry to make you feel bad when I was the one who couldn’t love myself. If you could help me to accept myself as you did back then, I think we would be able to stay together. And if you still love me I wouldn’t want anything more than this. I want nothing less and nothing more than you, Jo Jinho.”

-|-

Magic Bra. I was raising my eyebrows. Did she really make a successful business with such a company name? But when I checked on the internet the reviews were praising her insanely.

Lucy_1127 wrote: I was invisible before. But when my longtime best friend saw me in this red bra, he finally realized we were supposed to be together. I love this bra. It is indeed magical. My only regret is that it is more times on the floor than on me. (Moderators please don’t erase my comment *begs*)

Hoetaekie828 wrote: when the owner told me that this lingerie has magical power I was sceptic. I am 27 you know. I don’t believe in fairytales anymore. But when I saw her (my back then best friend now girlfriend)... Wow! She was indeed a beautiful princess from a fairytale. Since than I couldn’t thank the owner lady enough. We are regulars at the shop. I totally recommend it for couples, and for those friends who are shy to admit the truth.

Jinho didn’t tell me why I got this. He just told me this is a gift from him to me and also a part of our therapy. We didn’t apply for real therapy. But we agreed to rebuild our trust and change things. As a first step he told me to wear these. I was kind of surprised. Jinho wasn’t really a shy type but we were both so stressed recently, having a time dedicated to ourselves was so rare like a leap year.

When I put on the ‘magic bra’ I checked myself in the mirror. I wasn’t totally satisfied but I looked so different in these. I finally saw someone who is brave and confident. For the first time I thought if I work a bit harder, not only on my body and carrier but on my behavior and inner values, I might become someone who is worth of Jinho’s love. I really hoped so.

“Okay, so where is my lovely and concerned girlfriend who cannot see herself as a fragile, feminine woman? Because I only see a stunning, confident lady here. I am sorry miss, but even if it is so hard to send you off I will have to ask you to leave because I already have someone closed in my heart.” He said when he suddenly appeared behind my back. Our eyes met in the mirror.

“Oh is that so? That’s a shame then. Are you sure she wouldn’t allow this one? As long as you are happy I think she wouldn’t mind it.”

“Do you think so? Am I that kind of lucky guy? Well… let me see.” And he is seductive gaze was wandering all over my body. “No. I cannot do that to her I am sorry.”

“Why not? Is she so nice?”

“Yeah. She is a precious someone to me. And I promised something to myself. I wanted to show her how beautiful she is. I need to keep that promise. So even if your affair offer is very tempting I have to say no.”

“What a pity. I think she doesn’t even know how lucky she is… Is she more beautiful than me? That can’t be true. Mister you must be lying.”

“No, I am not. I love her and she is beautiful. What if I prove you?”

“Fine. If you prove me than I’ll be leaving and won’t seduce you. If you don’t prove me you’ll have to have an affair with me.”

“Okay.”

“So, how will you prove me?”

“Just look at yourself in the mirror.”

And even if I was confident pretending to be another lady for fun looking at myself in the mirror while he was watching me from behind was kind of embarrassing.

“You know my girlfriend is a bit insecure and even if I tell her she won’t trust me when I say she is beautiful. You have some similarities. You both are stubborn and don’t trust my words… bad girls…”

And I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. He was cute. I was grateful. And I loved him incredibly.

“So, for example if I would say I love how she puts her hair behind her ears she would be like: but it is nothing special.”

And as he said it he put my hair behind my ears and put a soft kiss on my neck. And then looked back at me in the mirror. And I started to get the taste of this whole thing. He was so freaking hot. He decided to show me how he loved each and every part of my body. He put soft kisses on my shoulders and wrapped his arms around my waist without taking his eyes off of me. And this excited me. For the first time I realized it was really not about being small or tall, fragile or not. He loved me and I loved him back. And we were perfect for each other just the way we were.

-|-

“Sorry but could you please go to the hall? Someone passed out. Oh god these fans these days…”

“Sure, I’ll be there in a sec.”

It wasn’t the first time in this week. Fans were crazy about him. And it was good to see that he finally received this much of love after working hard for his dream for the past years.

“I am here. How can I help? Where is the patient?”

“He is here.”

“You two?” I asked a bit shocked.

“Oh! Our favorite girl. Please save him!” Member 1 of the bully duo said. I am sorry but after what they’ve done to me throughout these years I don’t bother calling them on their names…

I just gave him first aid and after he woke up I made sure he is fine.

“You’ll be fine now.”

“Oh my goodness. Thank you. You saved him.”

“You saved me. Thank you. I have never thought one day you’ll be saving my life.”

“Trust me, this is not something I’ve expected either. But what are you two doing here?”

“We are fans!”

“I am sorry to let you down but Wooseok is not present today. This is Jinho’s solo concert…” I said a bit offended.

“Silly. We knooow. We came to support him.” They said.

“Oh, if that’s the case… I am glad. I think he would be happy to see your faces. But promise me you won’t faint in front of him okay?”

“Yes doctor!”

“Good.”

“Also… we are sorry… for everything.”

And I just nodded. I was happy that they apologized even if it happened after so many years later. But in a way I was happy that we met them on that day. I guess I needed to meet them to realize being critical about beauty is just so unnecessary. Beauty is so subjective, and is not only about visuals and heights. And when I looked back on Jinho talking happily with his fans signing the albums, I knew that in my eyes he was the most beautiful person, and nothing else mattered.

#jo jinho #pentagon angst #pentagon #petnagon jinho #happy jinho day #pentagon fanfic #pentagon fanfiction

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nellie-elizabeth · 3 years

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Grey's Anatomy: Helplessly Hoping (17x07)

What the heck did I just watch with my own two eyeballs? What the ever living fuck? Spoilers ahead, ye be warned.

Cons:

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and compare Grey's Anatomy to The Walking Dead real quick. Both are long-running shows with a large ensemble cast, and the cast grows, people leave, new characters are added, and we're meant to feel emotional attachments to new characters as well as to those few originals who are still sticking around. Oh, and main characters die on a semi-regular basis, for the drama of all of it.

Now, the thing is, Grey's is actually better than The Walking Dead at getting me to give a crap about new characters as they get folded into the show. So many of my favorites today weren't originally part of the show. Jo is a good example of this. Callie wasn't an original character, neither was Arizona, and I loved them. Link is a more recent fave. The list goes on. You know one character I particularly loved?

Andrew DeLuca.

And it was a bumpy start, with him. I thought he was boring as sin at first, but gradually he became one of my favorites. The problem with a show like Grey's is that eventually, you might start hemorrhaging all the characters left on it that the audience gives a damn about. This happened to me long ago with The Walking Dead, and over the past couple of seasons of Grey's, I've started to worry about the same thing happening here. Losing Alex Karev last season was such a blow, especially because of the terrible way they went about it. And now, DeLuca? Are you serious? And killing him off? He was one of the only reasons I was excited to follow the show week to week, and one of my tethers to it has just been snapped clean.

And let's talk about the specifics, here. Andrew DeLuca, man struggling with mental illness. Man who starts to learn to manage it, to find happiness and balance in his life. He manages to catch the big bad child trafficker, but dies nobly in the attempt, thus making his death... what, worth it? Heroic? I hate this narrative on TV, especially for young men, especially for young men with mental illnesses. Jesus, this felt particularly tone deaf to me, in a way Grey's usually isn't. Or at least, not on this issue.

To turn to some other aspects, I will say it's super annoying that they want me to watch Station 19. I'm not gonna watch it. It's annoying that Carina is obviously getting all her stories over on that show now, when I like her so much and want more time with her. Although now it's just going to be her grieving her brother after also having lost both her parents young in life so... yay, I'm sure that'll be fun.

In terms of the other subplots, I'm a Tom Koracick stan. I know he's a dick but I just can't help myself. That being said, I thought his whole "I need you to tell me you never loved me" thing with Teddy was a little too high octane drama. It didn't match Tom's whole sardonic personality. Also, Teddy sucks, I don't feel any sympathetic connection to her struggle over how she totally loved both Tom and Owen at the same time. Like, girl, you need to get over yourself.

Pros:

I'm pleasantly surprised by how much I'm liking the whole subplot with Link and Amelia at home with Scout and also Meredith's three kids. They're obviously having a hard time, but we're not devolving into more Amelia-drama. She's upset, and dealing with so much stress, and she's also... handling it. Her conversation with Zola was actually really heartwarming.

I also liked Link, Jackson, and Maggie's new beau (sorry dude, I'll learn your name soon I'm sure), having beers before noon and talking out their stress. I especially liked Link admitting that he's thinking about how his life will be ruined if Meredith dies. The other two reassure him that there can be lots of different reasons to want someone to live, and some of those reasons can be selfish. Link is a good man, and he's doing everything he can, and he's nearing his breaking point. It's okay to be selfish. I think like that too. Like, if I lost someone I rely on or love very much, I'd worry about how it would affect me and my day-to-day. I don't think that makes me a monster, that's just a normal way of framing things inside your own mind.

Not entirely sure what the heck is up with Levi and Nico right now, but I like that Levi is falling apart and Nico is there for him. I hope that we get some time to sort out whatever their relationship is... I really want it to be my theory, where Nico realizes he's in love with Levi, while Levi is having his glow-up and moving on. Nico deserves to suffer a bit of anticipation, at least, before he gets what he wants. Especially after the way he treated Levi.

I find DeLuca's death to be a uniformly bad choice in terms of scriptwriting, but I can still praise the performances. I liked the beach scenes with Meredith and Andrew. There was something very full-circle about that. It's absolutely bananas bonkers that Meredith is losing another love interest, even though she and Andrew haven't really been together for quite a while... but if we set that aside, they had this really interesting connection, this affinity for each other that was romantic, but was also a lot of other things. It meant something, that we got to see them have that final connection before Andrew died. Also, they really managed to highlight the tragedy with that little sandcastle moment. This isn't someone going peacefully into that good night. Andrew had a lot of shit he still wanted to do. He's not actually okay with dying, even if he is happy to see his mom in the afterlife or whatever. It's bleak, and I appreciate that if they're making this dumb choice, at least they're acknowledging the inherent bleakness.

And just to pile on the tragedy, Jo's patient, the new mother who had to be separated from her premature daughter Luna, dies. Honestly I appreciate that Grey's does this kind of thing sometimes. They let the patients survive often enough that you always have hope, and then when it doesn't happen... oof. I was more angry about Andrew's death, but I was a more choked up about Jo's patient, to be perfectly honest. We also saw Hayes and Jo have a little subplot of connection over grief and loss, which I appreciated.

Okay, I'll stop there. This episode is overshadowed by Andrew's death, and I really hated that aspect of the episode. There are other things going on that could prove interesting moving forward, but goddamn, I am not okay about this at all.

6.5/10

#review #grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy review #greys anatomy #greys anatomy review #grey's abc #wtf grey's why did you do this

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oboevallis · 3 years

Text

shy

i am so sorry this is so long, this is part of my unexpected universe

“Hey we’re home!” Link announced coming through the door with their daughters on his hip. He could tell by the look on his wife’s face she was on the verge of tears. “Hey what’s going on?”

“This makes no sense.” Amelia’s voice broke mid sentence.

“Mommy don’t cry.” Scout begged, it upset him seeing his mother upset.

“Can you help him? I’ll clean up Addie.” She took the girl from links arms, and link could hear the girls mother ask how soccer practice was, and heard his daughter explain how she hated it.

“What do we have here? Long division?”

“Yeah, is mommy okay? Why’d she get so upset over math?” Scout innocently asked.

“Well her hormones are in overdrive right now because she’s pregnant. So that can make her kinda emotional. So things that don’t normally upset her can upset her now.” Link tried to explain it simply for their son to understand.

“Oh like when Addie was in her belly and she’d cry when my dinosaur action figure would bite her dinosaur action figure?”

“Exactly.” Link ruffled his sons dirty blonde hair and directed his attention towards the math sheet. After a half hour the girls came back into the kitchen both in their pajamas. To find the boys still working on the worksheet.

“You guys figure it out?”

“Not yet.” Link was embarrassed to admit, but he didn’t seem to understand it either.

“This is ridiculous.” Amelia sighed taking out her phone and putting the problem into her calculator.

“Mommy we can’t do that we have to show our work.” It took everything in the boys mother not to roll her eyes.

“It’ll be fine. If you get in trouble it’s on me. But this is ridiculous if two surgeons can’t figure it out they can’t expect a third grader to.”

_______________________________________

“There was no reason for that to of been as difficult as it was.” Amelia complained still upset about the math problem as she crawled into bed.

“He’ll figure it out in class tomorrow. I wouldn’t worry about it.” Link distractedly said, other things on his mind worrying him.

“You okay? You seem off.” Amelia stated once curling into her husband.

“Yeah, just worried about Addie.”

“Why?” Amelia’s head shot up so she was looking at him.

“Well when I picked Addie up, I showed up a bit early. So they were still practicing, and the coach asked them to pair up and Addie didn’t go to anyone. She waited until someone had to go up to her cause she was the only one left.”

“Well, I mean. She may just not have friends on the team.”

“You don’t find it concerning that every time we tell her it’s time for soccer she loses her mind and starts crying?”

“She just doesn’t want to stop playing with her toys.”

“Amelia.” Link sighed, his girlfriend didn’t understand what he was trying to say. “I don’t think she has any friends on the team.”

“Well she isn’t going to be friends with everyone. Maybe she just doesn’t like soccer, and if that’s the case she doesn’t have to go anymore she hates it anyway.”

“She doesn’t have friends in general, Amelia! And she’s most definitely not stopping soccer.”

“If she wants to, she can stop playing soccer. Especially if it’s making her unhappy.” Amelia disregarded his first statement.

“Amelia she’s not stopping soccer. Your coddling her. When she gets invited to a birthday party and she doesn’t want to go you let her! That’s not good she needs to make friends and be put in social situations.” Link was starting to lose his temperament. “And she barely gets invited to birthday parties or play dates in the first place because she has no friends!”

“She has friends.” Amelia nervously bit at her lip, knowing that wasn’t true.

“Amelia..”

“She has Scout. They’re good friends.”

“Their siblings.”

“Yeah and they get along and play well together. Better than me and my siblings.”

“I’m not saying she has to have 100 friends but she needs more than just Scout.”

“She’ll have this baby.” Amelia gestured towards her small bump. “And some kids just don’t have a lot of friends.”

“I get that, but she has 0 friends. Scout has tons and tons I barley can keep track.”

“Now your comparing her to Scout?”

“No, of course not. You know what. We can finish this conversation in the morning.” Link sighed turning around, pushing his wife off of him.

________________________________________

“Can I have some more syrup mommy?” Addie asked holding out her plate.

“Of course.” Amelia smiled, pouring the syrup onto the girls waffles. “So your birthday is coming up. I was thinking we could have a party who do you want to invite?”

“You and daddy and Scout and Auntie Maggie and Auntie Mer and Zola and Bailey and Ellis. Oh! And Jo!” Addie smiled excitedly.

“Well how about any of your friends from school?” Amelia wearily asked, she could feel Links gaze on her. Addie shook her head no and messily ate her waffle getting syrup all over herself.

“You should invite some of your friends. Or maybe your friends from soccer. Everything is so much funner with friends.” Scout suggested, after taking a long gulp of orange juice.

“Hmm no thanks. Just the people I said.”

“That’s boring.” Scout concluded.

“If it’s what Addie wants than it’s fine. And funner is not a word.” The boys mother reprimanded. Scout looked outside the window to see some of the kids on the block playing kick ball in the cul-de-sac.

“Can I go play kick ball?” Scout asked excitedly, he loved playing with anyone who’d play with him.

“Sure.” Link said looking out the window as well, getting up to follow his son to make sure the game was regulated and no one got hurt.

“I was think we could go to the park today. Just the two of us.” Amelia smiled looking at her daughter.

“Can we got on the swings? That’s my favorite.”

“Of course! You couldn’t go to the park with out going on the swings.”

________________________________________

“Mommy you don’t have to push me. I can do it myself.” Addie told her mother as she kicked her legs back and forth allowing her to keep swinging. “You should swing with me.”

“Anything else you think we should do at the park?” The girls mother asked as she sat on the swing next to her daughter lightly swaying back and forth.

“Maybe the slides.” Addie looked around the park to see if there was anything else she wanted to do, and then back at her mother. “Why aren’t you going high? I’m going waaaaaaaaaaay higher than you.”

“I enjoy just swaying here.”

“That’s kinda boring.”

“Hmm I guess it is.” Amelia looked around the park spotting a boy who looked about her daughters age playing in the sandbox alone. She hopped off the swing and took her daughters hand. “How about we go over there and play with that kid, he seems lonely.”

“No, no, no.” Addie tried pulling away from the grasp her mother had on her hand.

“It’ll be fun. I’m sure it’ll make his day.”

“NO! Please mommy no!” Addison was on the verge of tears, trying to pull her mother back to the swings.

“Why not it could be fun, we could make a new friend.”

“NO mommy please don’t make me! Please no!” Addie begged, struggling to pull her mother back to the swings. Amelia sighed letting go allowing her daughter to run back to the swings. She looked back over to the sandbox to see another boy join the boy already at the sandbox and saw the two get acquainted and playing with one another.

“Look at how much fun those two are having what if we joined them.” Amelia tried again once she walked back to the swings. She watched her daughter look over to the sandbox.

“Want to go on the slides now?” Addie asked trying to change her mother’s attention.

“Sure, want to see if those boys want to join us?”

“No thanks, but you can go play with those boys if you want but I’m going to go on the slide alone.” Addie said jumping off the swing and running over to the slide. Amelia sighed following her daughter to the slides.

_______________________________________

“Why are you so quiet?” Meredith suspiciously asked as the pair operated together simultaneously.

“I’m worried about Addie.”

“Why? Because she doesn’t have any friends?” Amelia looked up at Meredith in shock, not realizing other people had noticed before her.

“What? She just doesn’t. Ellis didn’t have many friends when she was Addie’s age. Now that she’s in middle school she’s a bit more outgoing and has more friends. But she’s still just soft spoken and reserved.”

“How’d you get Ellis to make friends?”

“You can’t make your kid do anything. I just let her be and didn’t push her. I’d take her to the park and go up to kids with her and help her ask questions and get friendly with kids. And before going to a birthday party I’d tell her who was going to be there and what would most likely happen. That seemed to help her, every kids different though.”

“I took her to the park this morning and there was this boy in the sandbox by himself and I suggested we go over to play with him and she got so upset and begged me not to make her go over there. So she went back to the swings and I look over to see this other kid go up and introduce himself and they just started playing. And I realized I’ve never seen Addie do that.”

“Some kids just aren’t outgoing.”

“But she’s so outgoing when she plays with Scout. When Ellis was her age even if she was comfortable with someone and having fun she was still quiet spoken. I known Addie can be friendly and outgoing she just isn’t with people other than Scout.”

“Every kids different, you know that. What’s she like during play dates?” Meredith looked up at her sister when she didn’t respond. “She doesn’t do play dates?”

“She just gets so upset and begs me to let her not go. I just don’t find it worth it making her go if she’s gonna get so upset over.”

“You have to be accommodating to her feelings, but you can’t enable her.”

“I’m not enabling her.” Amelia defensively said.

“Has she ever had a play date with someone other than my kids?”

“Once or twice.”

“Amelia she’s 5.”

“I’m aware of that fact. Now we should really focus on our patient.”

______________________________________

“Thanks for watching the kids Maggie.” Amelia thanked her sister as she walked into the house.

“Of course.” Maggie smiled. “I love spending time with your kids, especially now that Mers kids are older and they don’t really want anything to do with me.”

“It feels like only yesterday they were little kids.” Amelia smiled thinking about when she first came to Seattle and Bailey was a little infant.

“You two have a hot date?” Maggie asked once Link stepped into the foyer, checking her watch for the time. “Kind of early though.”

“Parent-Teacher conference.”

“Oh, sounds fun.”

“Hmm.” Amelia hummed. “Thanks again.”

“Anytime.” The couple walked out of the house and could hear Scout cheering about his aunt being at the house.

“Are you nervous?” Link asked as he buckled his seatbelt and started the car.

“Why would I be nervous. We’ve done tons of parent teacher conferences for Scout.”

“And this is Addies first one.”

“And? It’ll be just the same, they’ll tell us about her grades and how she’s doing on her tests.”

“My parents are thinking about coming up for a visit. I was thinking we could take the kids to a Mariners game when they come.”

“Sounds fun. Scout would absolutely love that. When are they thinking of coming up?” Amelia asked, she enjoyed Links parents and the kids absolutely loved spending time with them.

“Two weeks. I haven’t told them about the pregnancy yet, I’m sure they’ll be excited though.”

“Yeah, I think Addies warmed up to the idea of the new baby.”

“Me too. I wonder what changed.”

“Scout talked to her. He told her about how upset he was when she was on the way, and how they’d still be loved.”

“He’s an amazing big brother.”

“Right? I’m really proud of him, I think being a big brother is the most important job and he’s really living up to it.” The rest of the ride was filled with comfortable silence until they got to the school, and went into their daughters classroom.

“Hi, you two must be Mr and Mrs Lincoln.” The teacher cheerfully greeted, while Amelia internally cringed she hated being referred to as Mrs Lincoln. The two shook the teachers hand and sat down at the table with the teacher. “Id just like to start off by saying how sweet and bright Addison is. Her test scores are right where they should be, and she’s definitely excelling in reading. Silent reading time is her favorite part of the day. I do have some concerns though.”

“What kind of concerns?” Link had a feeling he knew where this was going.

“For example during silent reading a lot of kids like to try and talk to one another about what their reading. And she doesn’t do that.”

“So you concerned she’s following the rules of silent reading?” Amelia asked getting irritated.

“No, I appreciate how she follows rules. That was a bad example. But she doesn’t talk to anyone or play with anyone at recess or lunch. Have you guys noticed this?”

“Yeah, but she plays with her brother a lot though, she knows how to share and play. She likes spending a lot of time with us though.” Link responded.

“Lots of kids have social anxiety.” Amelia felt the urge to cry, she really hated pregnancy hormones, she knew her daughter most likely had social anxiety but to hear someone say it was different. “Kids with social anxiety are attached to their parents, especially when they have working mothers.”

______________________________________

“The teacher was such a bitch! I want Addie out of her class.” Amelia practically yelled slamming the car door.

“That teacher was out of line, I agree but I don’t think we need to get her a new teacher.” Link calmly stated as he started the car. “You know her anxiety isn’t because you work, right?”

“Yeah I know.” Amelia softly says.

“Amelia it’s not your fault.”

“We should look into those play groups though. Try to get her acquainted with people.”

“I agree.” Link agreed the two sat in silence until he spoke again. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“We’re gonna figure this out, and we’re gonna help Addie and it’s all going be fine.”

#amelia shepherd #amelink #atticus lincoln #baby amelink #greys anatomy #greysanatomy #greys fanfic #greys anatomy fanfic #scout lincoln #addison lincoln

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gray-is-neutral · 3 years

Text

Supernatural

a fan fiction pt.4

Cas’ POV

Feelings are odd. It’s funny how a few little chemicals can effect your whole way of thinking. There is still so much I don’t understand about humans, but I’m pretty sure they don’t understand it themselves. Humans can’t choose what they feel, and even though they know this, they get mad at the other fir feeling the way they do? Why can’t these things be rational?

But there is no rationality for how I feel for Dean Winchester. It’s self destructive, addictive, and insane. It caused me so much grief, but I don’t want not to feel this way for him.

We all have our additions. Alcohol, drugs, sex, demon blood, but my poison gives the best high. It’s soul crushing and I love it. Being in love with Dean Winchester is literal hell, but it’s paradise too. How does one explain that? Most days, I would gladly punch him right in the nose, but that thought makes me sad.

Looking at him now, the Empty didn’t matter. It was horrible. I was in pain, and I just wanted to stop existing. He looked at me, and like every time, my heart melted.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked. He wants to talk about the confession. I was so happy I told him, but that was when I was just going to die right after! I didn’t need to deal with the possibility of rejection. Why does this feel so bad? What the...fuck? Yes fuck! What the fuck is this? Why? Why are emotions so hard?

Now I’m worried what Dean feels for me. I mean, he went to the Empty to save me, and then, “Then I’ll stay with you.” Did he mean it? Was he just trying to motivate me? Would he have stayed in the Empty with me? Forever?

He didn’t even tell Sam, however. I was the one to tell him, and I’m regretting that I did.

“You’re in love with Dean?” he asked surprised. “I admitted that I did. I thought he would have told you?” I said. “Dude. It’s Dean. He would rather get on a plane and sky dive into a volcano than talk about feelings. No chic flic moments, remember?” Sam had said and smiled. “Yeah, I remember,” I told him.

“If you ever think about sacrificing your self for me or anyone else, I will drag your ass back from the dead to kill you myself,” Dean said. I looked at him. He looked relatively normal, but his eyes told a whole other story. Deans eyes always have what he calls “Chick flic” moments. He won’t say a word, but his eyes would scream what he’s feeling.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I said, feeling myself relax. Sam was right. “Dean won’t be able to just come out and talk about his feelings. He just...can’t,” he had said. Dean’s experience in love has been Hell. The lack of live from his parents. Loosing Lisa and Ben, and being forced to be responsible for his younger brother like a parent would, Dean’s....love map? Yes, that is what it’s called. His love map isn’t right. He’s still learning, and how can someone love another person, if they don’t love themselves first?

“We’re back with pie!” Jack yelled as they entered the bunker. It was hard to believe that he was God now. I looked at the child I helped raise. Dean regrets everything he’s done and said about him. He loves Jack, and I know he wishes he could take it all back. Maybe we can all start to actually heal now? No more big evils. Just family, and time.

“Hell yeah!” Dean said. “Uno?” Sam said, walking in. “Really?” “Well you two were taking forever,” said Dean. “What were we supposed to do? Braid each other’s hair?” Dean said, digging in the grocery bags for the pie. “I also have liquor!” said Jack, a little too proud of himself. “I can drink even though I’m God, right?” he asked.

“I guess we couldn’t stop you?” Sam said. I smiled despite myself. I missed this most of all. I was never letting this go again. It was too perfect. “We got the movies! They’re scary movies!” Jack anounces as he finds himself a place on the couch. “Hurry or I’ll start it without you guys!” he called. “I’m making popcorn! Wait!” Sam called.

Dean was getting a piece of pie, as I was looking for ice. “Hey I know angels don’t normally eat, he said, taking a huge bite of the piece he cut for himself. “But do you want a piece? It’s pretty good,” he said. “No I’m good,” I said. “Good, I didn’t want to share,” he said. He had pie all over his face. I held a straight face, and then imagined us like a scene in a movie. He would ask if I wanted any and I would kiss him, and say something teasing. Like, “You had enough on your mouth.” But then I thought that would be disgusting.

He walked out of the kitchen to claim his seat of the couch as Jack got up to get something. Probably candy.

“Dude he is definitely in love with you,” said Sam, joking. “He just doesn’t offer pie,” he said. “Your not funny. Leave it alone Sam. “I thought you two were together now?” Jack asked.

I honestly would have rather been with the Empty. No amount of torture could compare to this. I am getting better with expressions, I think.

“Stop that,” I said. “Can’t we just enjoy a movie?” I said, as Sam grabbed a six pack of some kind of beer. “Yeah, sure,” said Sam. “Opposite sides of the couch!” Sam yelled as Jack laughed. He wasn’t sure why he was laughing, just that it was supposed to be funny.

I rolled my eyes and walked into the living room. “What are we watching?” I asked. “Some horror movie,” he said. “Y’know, you aren’t obligated to hang out with us. You did just come from the Empty. If this is too much for you-“ “No,” I said. “I was isolated. I don’t wanna be alone,” I said.

He cleared his throat as his brother sat on the other side of him. “I got this!” Jack said, making the movie play with his mind. The kid is literally God, but he is so amazed that he has powers, isn’t that...sweet? Jack may be God, but he’s still Jack.

The movie played and Jack soon realized he didn’t like horror movies. “It’s a ghost! Salt! Why won’t they get salt?” By the third movie, Sam had fallen asleep and Jack was deep into the movie. I didn’t really care for it, but I was happy just to have this. This is normality. Movies, junk food, our family. It was perfect.

I noticed a sudden solid warmth on my shoulder. Dean had fallen asleep. How many sleepless nights had he gone through? He’s never fallen asleep like this. Not this vulnerable.

I smiled. Never mind, now it is perfect. I relaxed into this normalcy. I don’t sleep, but I closed my eyes to let myself take in the peace.

Suddenly, the Tv went to static. “Is your party super boring?” a commercial voice said over the tv. The people that looked like children look-alikes of us agreed, upset. “No problem! Just invite your good friend! Gabriel!”

“Heya boys, miss me?” Gabriel asked.

...

“How are you-?” Dean started. “Me? I’m good,” he said. “Castiel!” he said. “This is an exciting day for us, isn’t it?” “Gabriel, how did you?” I started. “Get pass the warding? Oh I just hitched a ride on that lil’ CD, now let me help you boys out.”

Suddenly, we were in a club setting. The place was empty. “You guys don’t have many friends, no surprise, but uhh how’s about some entertainment?” he said. Exotic dancers, male and female, appeared. “Gabriel!” Sam yelled, having had enough.

“Oh!” he lightly tapped his head as though he had forgotten something. “Sorry Sammy, is this more your speed?” We heard a confused scream. Eileen appeared from no where. “Sam!” she called upon seeing him. “Oh wait! Sorry you two broke up right? How’s this?”

A woman in a doctor’s uniform appeared. “What the fuck?” she said turning around quickly. “Where the hell am I? What just happened?” she said. “Enough!” Jack said. We were suddenly back in the bunker, but so were Eileen and the woman.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Jack God sir,” Gabriel said, innocently. “I just wanted to express my gratitude,” he said. “For?” Sam asked. “Why? You saved me!” Gabriel said, dramatically draping himself across Sam. “If you hadn’t woken me up, I would have never escaped the Empty!”

“What?” Dean said, shaking the glitter from his hair. “My new bestie, Sammy boy here, threw those fireworks right by my head. I woke up and high tailed it out of there,” he said. “Did anyone else escape?” Jack asked. “A few low-level demons. Some low level angels. Crowley, Michael, Luci-“ he said.

I could have cried. Never, we can’t just have one normal night can we? “Don’t worry,” said Jack, taking Gabriel by the shoulder. “You guys help them, I’ll handle things really quickly,” he said and just like that, he was gone.

“Jordan!” Dean exclaimed, going to her side. So this is Dr. Jordan Blake. “What in bloody Hell is going on around here?” she demanded. I looked at Sam who was trying to talk to Eileen, it was in sign language, so I didn’t understand.

“I was in New York, and I’m where now?” Dr. Blake asked, trying to make sense of it all. “Look,” Dean said, gently embracing her. “If you stay for just a minute, we can talk and I will explain everything,” Dean said. She nodded and he cupped her face.

Eileen just wanted to leave. Sam offered to drive her home, but she said no. It was hard to tell how they felt about the other. Sam seemed to want to be with her, but Eileen seemed to want to forget recent events. I didn’t blame her because I understand wanting to forget. She felt used and forced. Now sh egg doesn’t know how she feels or felt. She doesn’t know if it was real. But did forgetting what happened also mean forgetting Sam?

Jack soon returned and took Eileen home. “Call me?” Sam asked. “Maybe,” she said quitely. Then she was gone.

I looked at the doctor, but soon noticed his young shr was. A little younger than Sam. I felt a pang of jealousy. He was so soft with her, but then I thought about the way he looked. It wasn’t how he looked at Lisa. It was how he looked at Jo or Sam.

He saw her like a sister, and for a second I was jealous of her. This is pathetic.

Dean gave her the her the speech. “Angels?” she huffed. “Of course it’s angels,” she laughed. “If I hear another thing about angels tonight,” she said.

“What do you mean?” Sam asked her. She rose her shirt to show the same tattoo that Sam and Dean had. “You’re a hunter,” said Sam.

This was going to be a long night.

#dean x cas #dean x castiel #gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day #supernatural #fan fiction #jack is god #destiel #dean #castiel #sam is a matchmaker #sam #Jack #sorry I love original characters #Cas is shy #gabriel #please dont come for me #i’m sensitive

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heloisedaphnebrightmore · 3 years

Text

Supernatural finale - Let’s carry on [My opinion]

First of all, to everyone who is harassing the actors, the directors, the screenwriters or anyone who has been working on the series, shame on all of you. How dare you behave so disrespectfully, when you wouldn’t even be able to do half of what they have done?! You should be ashamed!

After my ranting, let’s carry on.

This post is containing all my emotions and my opinion on the last episode of a series that I literally grew up with and some of my history with the show.

I started watching the series back in 2006, when I was still living in Hungary. I just turned 13 when the first episode aired with Hungarian dubbing. It was back in the stone-age or at least it feels like it.

At that time I was a season behind since we always had to wait for the dubbing to come out or for the licenses to get approved and it was a struggle really. But then came online screening where I could finally watch the series, “kind of” up to date. God, I felt lucky.

I remember back in the day when the first season finished, I was watching it with my mother and the cliff-hanger made me so upset. They left me waiting a whole year without knowing what would happen. And in Hungary it was over a year, because they got the licences later or the dubbing took longer, I have no idea, but it was not a pleasant feeling.

Now that the series finished, I feel a bit empty. I am sitting here, typing down whatever I feel like, after sobbing my eyes out, but I just can’t shake the feeling that something is missing. From now on I will not be waiting impatiently for the next episode, I will not be crying for the Winchesters, I will not be falling in love with some of the so called “villains”, I will not be studying each and every word and scenario that we have seen with a magnifier just to try predicting some of things as if I was Sherlock Holmes myself.

It’s definitely a strange feeling, but here we are, so let’s get started.

Below the cut, you can find my opinion. I didn’t want to spoil the ending for anyone, therefore it’s best to keep things hidden.

Enjoy!

At the very beginning of the finale having no “Carry on” playing, did make me feel pretty weird, since obviously that’s what I expected, that’s what I am used to when it comes to last episodes, but we did get what we wanted, so I can’t complain.

With a free Winchester brothers, just having this pie scene and typical supernatural humour, it just felt so idilic and relaxed. It was both very much like Supernatural, but also very unlike it.

(Did I predict Sam smashing the pie into Dean’s face? I called it right here on tumblr. I feel like a genius. - Just ignore me, it was an obvious move, obviously.)

I was just laughing at the humour, the easiness of the episode, it was nice to see them just being, just existing like before the whole world had gone mad. But then again, we are talking about Supernatural and it was unlike the show, because they have not given us one episode where things were just relaxing, or having barely any worries at all. It was like a warning, the quite before the storm, when you are waiting for something bad to happen.

Well, did we get that something bad alright?! I had a slight inkling on what would happen and after Dean’s death scene, I don’t really know if I wish it didn’t happen or I’m okay with it. I feel very conflicted. I was ugly crying for the whole scene.

I don’t know if it’s just me or it was a general feeling, but was it the longest death scenes I have ever seen? I mean it literally felt like they kept digging into me. I understand, they needed to say their parts, but I don’t appreciate sobbing for minutes straight so “thank you” for doing that to me.

On the other hand, perhaps an unpopular opinion, but for me the death scene was actually a bit long. I understand why and it was a nice moment that was kind of a “must”, where things had to be said, but for me personally it was a tad bit dragged out. I still sobbed through it, so I can’t deny that it was a very emotional moment, especially when it’s my favourite character they are killing, but tad long.

Also, I did expect Dean to go out with explosions and gunfires and all the cliche big fight, but then they couldn’t have shared that loving brotherly moment and I do understand that, however I still missed his big exit.

When Dean appeared in heaven and it was nothing like before, people locked up separately, but instead all of them were together, curse me as much as you want, but I loved that. That’s their happy place, around loved ones, around people they love to be with. I am all for it!

But here at this point came to me, are they only together with who they were very close to? Because if we would put all of the people together, such as Jess, Sam’s new wife, Dean, John, Mary, but then also Bobby was there and the place was Harvelle's Roadhouse, meaning Jo and Ellen would be there and their family, it kind of got me confused as that’s hell of a lot of people in one place. I think I will just stick to not analysing that, because it would get messy.

I honestly loved that while Dean was driving off with heaven version of baby and “Carry on” playing in the background, we saw Sam living a full life. Just like Bobby said, time in heaven was different. Whilst Sam was living a life he deserved, Dean was barely apart from his brother for long. It was certainly a part that I very much appreciated, because we started with two brothers and I needed it to be brought back to that, for them to be side by side once again.

“It’s okay, you can go now.” - When Sam’s son, Dean said that to an old, dying Sam, I think that was a genius part to bring back and I felt that was just the right thing to say. (Old Sam’s make up and ageing was not the best, but we can let it slide for now.)

However, I was missing the feel of the emotions while we watched Sam’s life in a montage. I feel like it was needed like this, not to waste too much time on it and having different times between earth and heaven, also because of pandemic restrictions, but it could have been better, more showing than telling if the actual 2 hours was about the brothers, not just 1 hour.

I feel like they wanted to show us a happy ending even though both of them died, but Sam actually had to go through all the grieving and pain to rebuild his life and we missed that. Of course, it’s just my sole opinion, we can all have different opinions and I do understand that the pandemic did restrain the amount of people they could bring (back) for a grand finale, but for me it was a bit rushed.

In the end, the show ended with the two brothers, just like it started before, and whilst I did have certain parts I questioned, I basically got what I expected.

I was questioning Cas’ appearance, I personally thought he would show up in the end, but then Cas was helping Jack somewhere in the Universe and knowing he wasn’t with the empty, it gave me enough satisfaction, but once again, it was more telling, less showing.

Overall it was an emotional episode, quite bittersweet, but I enjoyed it.

I had disappointed moments, such as Dean’s death scene. I expected it to be more of a grand exit, more boom and guns and fire, something bigger. But then I also had satisfactory scenes, such as when the brothers met in heaven and the show ended in a way with a happy scene, a place they were together again, just being happy.

I enjoyed this finale, even if it wasn’t perfect. I feel like with what they had they did a good job. Not the best, but certainly a good job. I don’t often cry and they made me cry so the emotions were there. I got my happy ending with the brothers being together and it was a nice, bittersweet ending to a 15 years old series. I’m quite satisfied in the end.

After so many years, I would like to just thank all the actors, producers, directors, screenwriters, stuntmen and everyone who worked on the movie till the last personal assistants and make up artists, they have done an amazing job and created a world we have treasured for years and we will keep loving the series for as long as we can.

Thank you to all the fans, the fandom and everyone who is part of the Supernatural family in any way.

#supernatural #Supernatural review #spn spoiler #spn spoilers #spn #spn finale #spn final #supernatural finale #supernatural final #supernatural last episode #supernatural final episode #dean winchester #sam winchester #supernatural opinion #supernatural finale review #supernatural spoiler #supernatural spoilers #last episode of supernatural #castiel

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jfcspencer · 3 years

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PARA: big surprises!

WHO: journey smith @journey-j-smith & spencer stone.

WHERE: jo's house.

WHAT HAPPENS: jo is pregnant!

JOURNEY

Journey sat on the floor of her bathroom. She probably bought the whole shelf of tests this morning after dropping the kids off with her brother. Spencer was on his way over, like always, and she was so excited to tell him about at the same time she was scared. They joking talked about their future together and Jo had some truth being her words. She wanted everything they ever talked about. And now one of them was happening. She walked down stairs in her short shorts and bikini top just as she heard the door open. “There’s my sugar.” She called out as she hit the last step

SPENCER

this week, spencer was kid free so he was able to spend some more time with his girlfriend journey. on his way over he grabbed them a small six pack of beer to just hang out and chill around as the summer was coming to an end. when he got there. he opened the door and called out, “jo! i’m here!” he smiled before shutting the door behind him. when he saw her at the end of the stairs he placed the beer down on the couch and made his way over to her. “you know my birthday isn’t for awhile but look at this sexy present,” he winked, placing his hands on her waist and kissing her lips. “i brought some beer so we can just chill today.”

JOURNEY

She smiled softly as she kissed him back. “Well I’ll remember this outfit for your birthday then. But I was thinkin’ y’all would want me in a lot less.” She joked as she looked over at the beers. Oh how he knew his weakness. “Great! Let’s put them in the fridge for now. I have something to show you.

SPENCER

“hm, i would like to be surprise but you in anything is a great present,” he winked at his girlfriend. he felt his hands on her hips before nodded his head. his body moved to grab the beers and heading his way to the kitchen. “so,” he chuckled out opening up the fridge and put them in there. “what do you plan on showing me today?” he questioned, looking over at the beautiful blonde near him, closing the fridge. “a present?” he teased her, pressing a kiss to her lips a few times. “like an actual present because you didn’t have too babe.” hummed out the man, pushing her hair back from her face.

JOURNEY.

“No…not a present. A surprise I guess……” she thought for a moment. She let out a sigh and took his hand. “Just come with me.” The blonde lead him up the stairs. Feeling her heart beat start to race which each step. How was he gonna react? Was he gonna be happy? Or mad? As she walked into the bedroom she dropped his hand. She walked over to the bathroom and gesture inside. To the sink that had about 10 positive pregnancies tests sitting in it. “There…” she said in a small voice. The feeling of her about to cry welled up in her stomach

SPENCER

“a surprise?” he questioned, arching his brow up a bit while he listened to her for a short moment. he followed her up the stairs, he had no idea what he was going to walk into today. he never knew if this was going to be a good thing or a bad thing. was it like a break up talk or something? he wasn’t sure. when spencer saw her gesture for him to come into the bathroom, he followed slightly confused until he came face to face with the many pregnancy test on the counter. they had talked about having kids, they have been together this whole time. he loved kids, he didn’t mind having more at all. “holy shit,” he chuckled out, wrapping his arms around journey. “i know we talked about it a lot so i guess we saw this coming,” he chuckled, kissing her forehead. “are you ready for this? me forever? a big head baby?”

JOURNEY

The blinked up at him before bursting out into tears. Covering her face before hiding in his chest. She was just so happy and relieved to hear his words that she lost it. Bitting her lip she looked up at his with tears still rolling down her face. “I’m ready for everythin’ and anythin’ with you suga.”

SPENCER

spencer was taken a bit back when she burst into tears and burried her face into his chest, he quickly wrapped his arms around her and rubbed her back. "why are you crying, baby?" he asked her in a quiet voice, his hand kept rubbing her back gently. "well, i'm glad we're on the same page about this little nugget here." he kissed her hair softly. "so i guess i brought beer at the wrong time then." chuckled out the man, looking down at her with a kind smile.

JOURNEY

She sniffled. “I don’t know. I recon y’all be mad….or,or upset.” The women sniffled using her hand to dry her face. “I was just scared.” The women said softly with a hiccup. “But I’m happy now.” The singer giggled lightly and shook her head. “No no. It’s the perfect time. You get to celebrate!” Journey smiled happily at him. In the past she really didn’t get the moment to tell her late husband that she was pregnant in person. It was always over the phone. And besides Lux, it actually didn’t go well at all.

SPENCER

the man stepped back, cupping her face to wipe her tears with his thumbs. "i could never be upset. we talked about having a kid, shit, if it came out negative i would pull down my pants right now." he laughed, trying to get her not cry and put a smile on her face. "i grew up by myself and i always wanted a big family. we're gonna be a family," he smiled, kissing her nose lightly. spencer wrapped his arm around her, walking them down to the kitchen. "i agree, a celebration beer is in need! i mean for me, we can get you whatever you want like a milkshake or something." he chuckled out.

JOURNEY.

The women couldn’t help but laugh at his words with her head in his hands. She never felt more safe then with Spencer. A dumb smile grew on her face. “We’re gonna have a baby.” The women followed him to the kitchen and pulled out a beer for him and popped it open. “For ya, sugar. You’re gonna be a daddy.” Journey said getting tears in her eyes.

SPENCER.

“we’re going to have a baby,” he repeated smiling down at her. spencer leaned down to kiss her lips a few times. he thanked her before taking the beer and bringing it up. “you’re going fo be a mommy,” he cheered out before bringing it to his lips to take a swing of if. he set it down and chuckled out. “baby, dont cry,” he wrapped his arms around her again. “id start crying if the kid comes out looking like me.” he laughed out.

JOURNEY.

She shook her head and wiped her face. “I’m just….” Journey sniffled and looked up at him. “I’m just so happy. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.” She beamed. “I’ve honestly never been this happy and felt this safe with anyone else. And I love you.” She smiled big and stole a kiss from him. “I can only wish to have a child like you.”

SPENCER.

spencer placed the beer down, taking journey's hands in his. his thumbs ran across her smooth skin, smiling down at her. "well, i am so very glad that i could make you this happy, jo. truthfully, i love you and you really do make me so fucking happy. i'm with you, this is the happiest i have been in such a long time and it's because of you," mused the blonde, resting his hands on her waist but slowly went to her stomach and rubbed it gently. "i love you too," he hummed leaning down to meet her kiss. "trust me, you don't." he laughed out, shaking his head. "lyric is just like me and i had to apologize to my mum."

JOURNEY.

“You make me happier then you will ever know.” She hummed softly at him. “I think we were that the other was waiting for all our lives. The missing piece.” Journey placed her hand on top of his as it rested on her stomach. “No I do. I really do. I wanna watch them grow up and become just like you. Having a little you is nothing I’ll ever regret.”

SPENCER.

"i agree with you, baby. i think we needed to go what we needed to go through so that we could meet each other in our lives," he told her, keeping his eyes on her and his hands on her stomach. his smile grew feeling her hands on his. "why are you so fucking cute?" he chuckled, pressing a kiss on her lips. he was sure that he had heard those words before but it never mattered until right hearing it from journey's mouth. "well, i hope they're just like you. kind, sweet, and with the most beautiful soul."

JOURNEY.

To out side world, Journey looked like she had a great life before meeting spencer. Married her high school sweetheart who became a war hero with beautiful kids. But Jo was never this happy. Felt this perfect. This love before then. She sniffled before nuzzling into him. “I think we have rethink our living together timeline.” She giggled

SPENCER

it was no surprise that spencer had been linked to many people in his career. some of them he did care for and loved and others were nothing but random hook ups. this relationship of his was different, he had never met anyone like journey before who quickly changed his whole mood, his life, his heart. she had this insane impact on him that wanted him to be a better person. “moving in huh? i can do that. we do got a tribe so we better house hunt soon for one huge ass house.”

SPENCER.

She giggled. “Swim-up bar!” The blonde cheered happily. “That was a requirement I believe wsaid while in Vegas. We can also just build one.” She said and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her tears drying slowly. “Big house. With room to grow. I just moved into here and I don’t wanna move again and let’s be real. We’re gonna have a big family because I’m one of 11. I think I need to hit at least 9 or 10.” The women only kinda joked. She was gonna have a big family

JOURNEY.

the man laughed and nodded his head. "i do believe we were in talks of having a swim-up bar. i don't know these terms of 'we build one' because i'm just going to hire people for that," he chuckled out, rubbing her back gently. he was happy to see her so joyful to be pregnant and start this future with him. now that he was with journey, he couldn't picture a life without her. it was so strange how quickly she just came into his life and completely changed it around. "big house, noted. big family so you hear that down there?" he pulled back to look down at his pants. "we got some work to do," spencer teased out. "nine or ten, huh? we got six already with the tribe. i can do maybe two more but if it happens later in the future then i'm so here for more with you."

JOURNEY.

She shook her head. “Y’all such a city boy. It’s cute.” Journey walked over and grabbed a water bottle for the fridge and found her way to her normal spot. Right up on the counter top. Her eyes rolled at him. “I mean….I can go for more but I know that’s a lot to ask. I mean….y’all took on the dad role to my kids already and I feel like that’s already asking for to much.”

SPENCER.

"you could never catch me building anything. i make music, not anything else. well and babies because ya know," he chuckled pointing down to his pants once more. he went over to grab his beer and bring it to his lips for a sip of it. "hey, i love your kids. i love all kids. as a dad myself, it's natural to me. i love them very much. plus our kids are the same ages and so yeah," he chuckled softly.

JOURNEY.

Again she shook her head. “No, Spencer it’s different.” She said. “Their dad is gone….and he ain’t coming back. And they’re probably not gonna remember him when they get older. Lux never even met him. But they know you. And they’ll know you as their dad.” She looked at him. “I mean I’ll never let them forget Andrew but…..your here. It’s not like step dad….You’re their daddy already in their eyes. And I feel like that’s a lot to ask of someone…”

SPENCER.

spencer stood quiet while journey speak to him about the kids. he could never replace andrew, he never want too. he wasn't sure what to even say, what could he even say about that? he reached over to take journey's hand and squeezed his hand gently. "then we won't let the kids forget him at all," he whispered out.

JOURNEY.

She smiled and gave a half hearted laugh. “We?” She looked at their hands for a moment. “All that being said, I am so happy they have a man like you in their lives. Because they’ll never know life without a dad.” Journey smiled back at him. She knew her kids, and she knew what they thought of Spencer. They loved him, so much. Her oldest daughter had already made the slip of calling Spencer daddy already and she wasn’t exactly sure how he would feel about that.

SPENCER.

the man looked over at the fellow blonde and nodded his head. "yeah, we," he playfully nudged her shoulder lightly. "i mean, we did talk about getting married and starting our lives together so i want them to know who their dad is." he took the hand that he released her hand and brought it up to wrap his arm around her and pulled her closer to him. he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "so let's make sure they never forget." he told her, smiling down at her.

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vettelcore · 3 years

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I finished watching Hello My Twenties and I have many thoughts so

S2 was kinda disappointing after binge watching S1 in like, 2 days was it? It wasn't ~bad~ but so many of the plots i just ended up skipping over either because they were cringy or I was pissed about them xjwnsbs

1. The only story line I was actually very interested in was Ji Won's. She didn't really have much of a role in S1 other than being the comedic relief character but her figuring out her trauma and just like... her character in general in S2 I loved. I also liked her relationship with Sung Min, even though it kinda ends in a cliff hanger? not quite? Because you know they're gonna end up dating sooner or later, they had very great chemistry and Sung Min was more a friend, supporting her and helping her out with her trauma, than a dumb love interest like typical kdramas. dk if what I just said makes sense but whatever, it makes sense to me. They had a very healthy relationship.

I also saw there was a post ending scene that wasn't shown in the netflix version where a kid is sitting in the bench outside the house the girls lived in, and then the father comes out and she asks if that's where her mother lived, he responds yes and they walk away. The actress that played Ji Won confirmed it was set 8 years into the future, and that was her and Sung Min's daughter after Ji Won died because of her "job" or smt like that, and im SOBBING about that lmfao I guess the job was the investigation about Hyojin's sexual assault by the teacher? anyway that's the only thing in S2 that made me cry and it wasn't even in S2 xjwjshshah but im so upset because she was my favourite character

2. Jin Myung's plot was ok, I wasn't really interested in Heimdal's plot but I'm very happy they didn't force the characters into a romantic relationship like I was fearing they would do. She was great, I dont have many feelings about it though, just eh

3. Ye Eun's plot... kinda the same too? I liked it, found the scenes with Ho Chang very cringe but whatever, its a kdrama. Of course there had to be some sort of "nerdy character dates preppy/normie person and they change their appearance into a normie". There were some parts I was just.... huh? like when they brought up her ED but then she gets magically cured because someone's mum was eating shamelessly in front of her. That was weird lmao

Her plot was 6/10, it was cool, I was interested. But I didn't have any feelings about it

and now what made AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH about S2

4. Eun Jae.......................... they had to change the actress because the og one had conflicting schedules. Ok, whatever, not a big deal, plenty of series have had this happen and they pulled it off. but.............. definitely not hello my 20s lmao like just introduce a new character for the new actress??? the personality was completely different? ~muh character development~ my ass lmao her S1 character was shy, but like... ah, i dont know how to describe it.... believable? Her S2 personality was irritating, like it was a completely different person from S1. I'd just rather they'd gotten rid of the eun jae character and just introduced a new one? I wouldn't have hated it nearly as much as I did lmao I just found it very hard to relate to her.

The whole "I am obsessed with my ex because he was my 1st love" plot was so. fucking. cringe. So bad. 1/10, and I'm only giving it the 1 because, somehow, Jo Eun's plot pissed me off even more lmao

5. Jo eun............ I had so many expectations...... I already made a post complaining about it because SERIOUSLY I WAS SO PISSED SJWBDUAUA THE QUEERBATING!!!! I feel like I can hardly talk about her because I ended up skipping most, if not all, of her scenes with Jang Hoon out of spite jwhdhehs

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GIVE ME AN ANDROGYNOUS CHARACTER, WITH A FEMME/YANDERE* FRIEND, HINT AT THEM BEING A COUPLE FOR LIKE 4 EPISODES, THEN OUT OF NOWHERE INTRODUCE A MAN IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL AND MAKE HIM HER LOVE INTEREST WHEN THEY DONT HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON OR ANY CHEMISTRY AT ALL IM SO PISSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD IM SO FUCKING PISSED ABOUT THIS

I ALSO HATED THAT WHEN SHE WAS 1ST INTRODUCED SHE DRESSED ALT, BUT AS HER RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT MANLET DEVELOPED SHE TURNED MORE NORMIE BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO IMPRESS HIM OR WHATEVER LIKE FUCK OFF!!!!!! HER TOXIC ASS RELATIONSHIP WITH YERI WAS FAR MORE INTERESTING THAN WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY DID WITH JANG HOON

I WASN'T EXPECTING ANYTHING BECAUSE 2017 KOREA, NOT EXACTLY THE MOST LGBT FRIENDLY, BUT I WAS STILL LET DOWN. THAT'S HOW BAD IT WAS.

*sorry for using the word yandere it's just the best way to describe her?

also i missed yina a lot, wished she had kept a main role :( but alas, the actress was involved in the t-ara bullying drama so she was relegated to a minor character that only showed up like twice lmao sigh

I wished they had done a 3rd season, because they sort of hinted at it with Song Min and Ji Won's relationship being left on a clifdhanger and not confirming wether she ended up going to jail for accusing the teacher of sexual assault. I guess they gave up in the series after Song Min's actor went to jail for the DUI/running away from an accident/trying to get a younger actor to take the blame for everything thing which is.... understandable, but fuck lmao A spin off series about those two would be pretty sweet jdjahsbs if i was any talented, I'd write a fic about it myself, but alas, i can't write for shit

#smdh i wrote all this instead of cleaning my room #has anyone watched it? i wanna talk about it with someone rip #can you tell my two favourite characters were sung min and ji won?

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doc-pickles · 4 years

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let me take your hand, i’ll make it right (swear to love you all my life)

What if I just.... dropped my Jolex fanfic here 👀 I wrote a fix it fic after 16x16 and this is it. Also posted to AO3 but there's not enough fic content on this hellhole of a website.

Also if you wanted to.... send me Jolex prompts.... I wouldn't hate that.....

Jo had thought that during her long nights and endless shifts as an intern that she had learned the meaning of the word tired. Naively, she had assumed that the 36 hours on call and the 7-hour surgeries were the worst her body could give her. But now that she was an attending, and a pregnant one at that, Jo could honestly say that she had never been so tired.

The tunnels seemed to be her only source of relief lately, a quiet area of the hospital where she could sleep soundly while on call. Even if her back was aching and she had to spend 30 minutes getting comfortable, the tunnels offered Jo the best chance at sleep she could muster.

While her loft was only a 15 minutes drive from Grey Sloan and perfect for on call nights, Jo couldn’t bring herself to stay there for long periods of time. Everything reminded her of Alex. The couch they had picked out together, the bookshelf he had built, the dresser still full of his clothes. Jo may not be comfortable sleeping at the hospital, but it gave her peace of mind, something she needed greatly at almost eight months pregnant.

It was almost 5 AM when she got her first page of the day. Jo had been able to sleep for a full uninterrupted four hours, longer than usual for an overnight shift. She only had an hour left of her shift, something she was thankful for since it would be her day off after that. Her body was aching and she knew she would have to go back to the loft to shower properly and rest in a bed that wasn’t a gurney. Her pager directed her to the East Wing, so off she went.

The halls were still quiet, Jo’s slow and heavy footsteps echoing as she went on her way. The first few hours of the morning were some of her favorites, the quiet that lay over the hospital comforting in more than one way. During the day, the hustle and bustle of surgeons and patients could become overwhelming. It was a breath of fresh air to be able to hear herself think as she walked the halls.

As she rounded the corner and came up on the East Wing, Jo saw Meredith standing in front of one of the conference rooms on the floor. The blinds were drawn so she couldn’t see in, but it seemed like Meredith was guarding whatever was inside.

“Hey,” Jo breathed out, stopping in front of Meredith. Her right hand came up to her stomach, pushing down the foot that tried to kick up at her. “What’re you doing here? I thought you were off today.”

“Yeah well, something came up,” Meredith shrugged, her hands fidgeting in front of her. She seemed nervous, something that Jo rarely saw from her. “I need to show you something. Or tell you something. Either way it’s important.”

Jo nodded at her, but furrowed her brow. She was becoming more and more confused as Meredith spoke. Sure, the older woman could be cryptic and sometimes a little vague, but her expression and tone of voice were starting to freak Jo out.

“Jo, I need you to keep an open mind, just listen without acting,” Meredith’s voice was calm as she backed up towards the conference room door. “Just… go in here and I promise everything will be explained, okay?”

“What’s going on? Can’t you just tell me,” Jo’s crosses her arms impatiently as she stared at Meredith. “You guys already threw me a surprise baby shower and it’s 5 AM so now I’m getting worried.”

“Just go in, please. Trust me on this one,” Meredith placed her hand on Jo’s shoulder as she opened the door.

The room was fairly dark with the lights dimmed and the blinds drawn. But the figure across the large table was easily identifiable to Jo. Her stomach clenched uneasily as she stared at the man sitting in front of her. He looked tired and sad, worse for wear but still the man she knew.

“Alex,” Jo’s voice was low, barely a whisper. She gripped the chair in front of her to keep herself standing and not in a puddle on the ground. “What’re you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in Kansas?”

“I was never in Kansas,” the sound of his voice after months of silence makes Jo’s heart swell. A swift kick to her side told her that her baby was listening in too, eager to hear her father's voice. As angry as she is at him, she still loved Alex. “Jo, please you gotta listen to me. I didn’t wanna leave I swear.”

The anger and sadness that Jo had felt for the past seven months finally overflowed. How dare Alex walk in here and try to make everything okay again! Jo had been on her own, going through a rough pregnancy and the aftermath of a divorce by herself. And if that wasn’t enough, she was working in the world’s largest gossip hub while Alex was in the middle of nowhere with his estranged ex wife.

“You did leave though Alex! You left me and you wrote me a freaking letter,” Jo’s voice was loud and emotional, the tears streaming down her face not helping her to stay composed. “You left me and I can’t even go home without thinking of you so I sleep here. I spent the first two months after you left throwing up between patients begging God or anyone to bring you back to me. I’ve cried myself to sleep for seven months and gone to every appointment on my own and done it all by myself. So no, you do not get to walk back in like everything is fine!”

Alex stared at Jo, his eyes taking her in all over again. She was glowing, even in her anger she had a distinct pregnancy glow about her. Meredith had told him about his impending fatherhood on the drive over, just to make sure he didn’t flip out the first moment he saw Jo again. He knew she was angry and upset with him, she had every right to be mad. But right then, Alex wanted nothing more than to hold Jo in his arms and feel their child kicking. He knew he had more explaining he needed to do before Jo would let him do that.

“Jo,” Alex looked into her watery eyes. “Please give me two minutes to explain. It’s not what you think and I promise I have a good reason.”

“There’s not any excuse I would listen to from you, Alex,” the words barely slipped out of Jo’s mouth before she doubled over, a gasp of pain escaping her as one hand pressed against her stomach. “Oh Jesus, that hurts.”

Alex was up before she could say anything to stop him, rounding the table and standing next to Jo. Her grip on the chair was turning her knuckles white and the tears tracking down her face were from a physical pain now. Alex reached a hand out to help her, but she gave him a look that was dripping with venom and anger.

“Lemme look at you, Jo,” Alex’s voice was calm and quiet as Jo breathed out loudly, ready to fight him on it. “Just let me look at you as a doctor, okay? I just wanna make sure the baby is alright, please?”

Jo finally nodded, her body gladly falling into the chair Alex had pulled out. She was still leaning over, small whimpers coming out of her as she tried to stop her child’s erratic movements. Alex moved his hands quickly to Jo’s stomach, pressing against it as he looked up at her. He figured now would be a good time as any to explain everything to her.

“I was at Pac North and I was running downstairs to get supplies for the OR. I walked into the basement and found one of my surgeons being held at gunpoint and operating on a GSW victim,” Alex moved his eyes from Jo’s face back to her stomach. A strong kick met his right hand and Alex realized it was his child was trying to say hello to him. “It was a whole gun smuggling operation, one of my doctors and I happened to stumble upon it. Anyways, they started threatening me and the other guy, the police got involved, and they made me go into hiding until the trial. I had a huge target on my head, Jo, these people were gonna kill me because I saw an illegal surgery.

“So they put me into WITSEC but someone wouldn’t stop calling or texting, so I had to write you that letter. I had to find something that was so ridiculous that you would stop trying to find me,” Alex moved one hand up to Jo’s face, his thumb brushing off the tears from her cheek. She was crying in earnest now and Alex couldn’t tell if it was from him or the baby. “I’m so sorry I left you Jo, but I couldn’t risk you getting hurt because of what happened. I know you don’t agree with me, but I was trying to protect you. And now I’m really glad I didn’t take you with me, I would’ve died if something happened to you or this baby.”

“So you really didn’t want to leave me,” Jo sniffled, a small laugh slipping out. “I almost drove to freaking Kansas to beat you up and bring you back. God I can’t believe any of this.”

“Baby’s fine by the way, you’re not contracting so I think they were just mad at the volume change,” Alex pressed his hand back to Jo’s stomach, another kick greeting him. “I’m sorry I missed all of this, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m never going to stop apologizing for what I put you through. You know I would’ve been here if I could.”

Jo began crying again at Alex’s words, her arms reaching out to hug him close to her. The anger and the sadness she had clung to for the past few months vanished as she held onto Alex. None of it mattered anymore because he was here and he wasn’t dead and he would be able to meet their baby and they’d raise her together.

“Can we go home now? I really wanna sleep in our bed,” Jo sniffled as she looked up at Alex. She wanted nothing more now than to go back to the loft and curl up with him. “And your daughter is craving a cheeseburger at 5 AM.”

“Should’ve known she was a girl when she kicked me that hard,” Alex leaned down and pressed his forehead to Jo’s. “I’m sorry about all of this, are we okay?”

Jo nodded and pulled Alex down towards her, their lips colliding in a kiss that neither realized they had missed so much.

“So,” Jo pulled away from Alex and ran her fingers through his hair. It had grown longer since she’d last seen him. “Do you think that the third time's the charm works for marriages too?”

#jo wilson #alex karev #jo karev #jolex #jolex fic #jolex fanfic #jo x alex #greys anatomy #greys fanfic #post 16 x 16 #fix it fic #jo deserves better #fuck krista #greys #greys abc #greysanatomy #jolex fanfiction #alex x jo #nina writes

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taebadam · 4 years

Text

act two pt. 1:

act twooooooo. we start w hands clean (this ensemble wowwowwowowow) and the stage opens to bella and andrew on either side of nick, all staring out into the audience. a few moments later jo and frankie come in from stage right and stand on either side of bella, comforting her and staying by her side as they walk off stage. honestly, i love how bella is rarely alone in all of this, jo and frankie are always there for her it’s really sweet.

as they all leave we transition to a psychologist’s office where steve and mj are getting ready to meet w the doctor. cue not the doctor. so good. so funny. so clever. when yana comes up behind them as the doctor and announces “hello i am the doctor” it’s just so perfect. then comes the therapy session. the whole time steve is emotional and desperate trying to get through to mj and figure out what’s wrong he’s just so concerned and mj is just so completely closed off: body language, speech and all. she does not want to be there. she does mention her car accident, though, and the doctor comments that physical trauma can awaken past trauma, even sexual trauma (hint hint see the predator theme from forgiven…). mj immediately tries to deny this and steve just doesn’t know what to do. there is a funny line though where the doctor asks if steve would describe himself as the high-libido partner and steve responds “i would describe myself as a puppy under the table begging for scraps… and getting kicked in the head w a loafer” and mj goes “these are not loafers these are drivers” and it’s so funny. but eventually the doctor asks if mj has always been reluctant to have sex and steve says no, that “they were great once. remember?” cue head over feet. frankie and phoenix peek out from behind the panels on either side of the stage while mj and steve are still in the center as the song starts. eventually the couples switch places as the song grows and the swingset replaces the doctor’s office for frankie and phoenix to climb on while they sing. the song ends with them in frankie’s room, about to have sex. as they start taking each other’s clothes off jo enters from the side, singing your house (wow i love lauren patten her voice i just ahhhhhhhh). all of your house is acapella and lauren patten is just honestly a freak of nature. she walks into frankie’s room and catches them in the middle of having sex, running out and trying to hide the fact that she’s crying as frankie calls after her. she runs downstairs as mj and steve come home and announces that frankie has been having sex w a boy upstairs. she breaks the tension w one of my favorite lines “he was wearing dog tags w no shirt like a douche!” then steve calls her joanne before running upstairs. as he and mj leave she stops for a moment and says, her voice small, shaking and cracking a little and with a hint of just utter devastation “please don’t call me joanne.” she then returns to her usual funny self though and yells “i’m not a fucking fabric store!” before exiting the stage. again, just beautiful acting from lauren. the face jo puts on only breaks for a second but wow is it like a punch in the gut. it breaks me every time.

ok so you know how in theaters there are poles/scaffolding on either side of the stage where they hang lights and speakers and things? yeah. so steve and mj run into frankie’s room and phoenix can be seen literally climbing down said scaffolding w no shirt or pants on, trying desperately not to drop his clothes. steve comments about frankie’s friend “running down the sidewalk w his pants falling down” as phoenix stumbles through the audience just trying his best. it is so fucking funny. but then mj and steve start berating frankie. they say she’s too young to be having sex “especially w a boy she just met” and frankie responds “what if it was with a girl? i’m bisexual, did you know that?” and steve’s like “wow ok” and it’s hilarious cause clearly he’s like not upset w this and would want to talk about it more but also there’s another issue at hand and this poor dude is like idk what to do. meanwhile mj just keeps going on about how frankie shouldn’t be doing this and frankie goes “you don’t care about the situation w bella but as soon as i choose to have sex w someone i care about it’s a crime?” and mj goes “don’t even get me started in the situation w bella. if youre not careful frankie the same thing could happen to you.” silence. a few gasps in the audience. frankie slowly stands up and pushes mj away “you don’t get it.” she says, devastated, and begins packing a bag. they ask her what she’s doing, she says it’s none of their business and they say it is because they’re her parents. she yells “you are not my parents! look at me. you don’t own me just because you have a paper in a file folder somewhere. you thought you could straighten my hair and raise me around white kids and i would turn out like you. well i’mglad i didn’t. i don’t want o be like you.” she rushes off and steve and mj yell at each other in anger, mj blaming him as the workaholic who was never around and steve trying to get through to her and say that maybe they made some mistakes when raising frankie and they should try to listen to her. to no avail.

cut to unprodigal daughter. frankie is on a train to new york and her and the ensemble just completely rock out. she has her moment, finally free of all the pain and stress of home. she’s carefree and happy, dancing her heart out. OH WOW THE CHOREOGRAPHY HERE HOLY SHIT. also her voice. wowowow. so good. at the end, they do a lift w frankie that’s the EXACT SAME LIFT as they did w ebony (her double) back in all i really want. so good. after the song she calls phoenix, trying to get him to come to new york w her. she tells phoenix she loves him and he can’t say it back, he tries to explain that he really likes her he’s just not ready to say he loves her yet but frankie hangs up on him, heartbroken.

there’s a mini transition scene where all of the ensemble are on their phones saying horrible things about bella like that she’s only doing this for the money and that she’s just trying to get attention. at the end they all silently hold out their phone screens to the audience and walk off without a word. wow.

the next scene bella walks into the healy house, looking for nick. instead the finds mj in the kitchen and they talk. mj says she heard about what happened and says she understands how bella feels. bella says she doubts that and mj says that she’s experienced the same thing before, but that “we have to be strong and accept our mistakes.” she’s trying to smile, act like everything is ok. it’s a call back to her line in forgiven after she discusses her assault, where she says “i kept going i powered through.” bella looks at her for a moment and asks, “when did you start to feel better?” she pauses and her voice breaks as she begins to cry “how long did it take? tell me when i’m gonna feel normal again.” silence. mj doesn’t have an answer. “great.” bella says and leaves. nick comes in right after she goes and tells mj the police called, that he thinks he should say something about what he saw. mj immediately shuts him down, tells him to stay out of it for fear of him losing his reputation or, worse, his acceptance to harvard. he stops and says “i need to tell you what i saw that night.” cue predator.

this song is haunting. truly. it begins with that chilling theme and you just know what’s coming and all the times that theme came in during the first act start to come together and it dawns on you and just. wow. we go back to the night of the party, but this time from bella’s point of view. we now see everything andrew does so, so clearly and we’re left thinking: how did we not notice this before? the truth is each of us probably did notice something, something small. but we’ve been conditioned to ignore it, see it as normal, something that “just happens sometimes.” and it’s really a punch to the gut when you realize what you did, how you were a bystander who didn’t notice the signs that were right in front of your face. i have never seen a piece of art or media so successfully throw viewers into this mindset, truly showing us how easy it is to be passive and complicit. we can’t judge nick really. we can’t think “how could he not see something was wrong? how could he not say anything?” because we did it too. we see andrew give her drink after drink, pull her away from her friends and guide her as he pleases. about halfway through the song, however, bella steps away from the party scene to sing at the side and who replaces her? HEATHER. MJ’S BODY DOUBLE. heather takes her place in her same outfit and begins a truly mesmerizing choreography that has her falling around the stage, being pulled and lifted and tossed around by the ensemble like she has no control over her body, no control over her actions. the panels begin to move in as we get closer to the final chorus and eventually they open up to reveal a bed standing upright (like we’re looking down on it) with the party still raging behind and bella steps over and leans back on the bed as she hits her big note going into the climax of the song. she lays there on the bed, immobilized, singing in despair as andrew slowly approaches her while the panels around her show the images that were taken at the party which frankie and jo mentioned in the first act. then, as the chorus come to an end, andrew removes her from the bed and brings her to the floor. it’s at this point that a few things come together and let me tell you: i gasped. first, we notice we’re now witnessing the rape. bella is unconscious and andrew is beginning to undress her. second, it’s at this moment nick comes out from behind a panel, revealing not only that he saw how drunk bella was, but that he saw andrew beginning to rape her and did nothing. third is that as bella is removed from the bed who takes her place? mj. mj takes the exact same position that bella was in, watching the assault on the floor below her in horror. and finally, the final punch to the whole scene, is that as the song comes to a close the panels cover the photos of bella once again for just a moment and when they move away, what’s left beneath are no longer pictures of bella. they’re pictures of mj. in the same position. just. heart-wrenching.

after the song we see mj really start to break down. she yells at nick, asking why he didn’t do anything, asking if he “forgot she (bella) was a human being.” nick is devastated and mj is just barely holding it together. truly stunning. but even still mj tells nick he still can’t say anything. she doesn’t want him to get in trouble, and losing her perfect son is still central in her mind.

#jlp #jagged little pill #jagged little broadway #elizabeth stanley #sean allen krill #derek klena #celia gooding #lauren patten #kathryn gallagher

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yourdeepestfathoms · 4 years

Text

Goodbye To A World

It’s been three days and a bone-deep ache is still infecting every inch of Joan’s body. She wasn’t sure what was causing it or what was going on, but she didn’t expect to get an answer. Certainly not from a bird.

The crow has been visiting Joan’s window for about a week now. It pecked on the glass late one night, but wasn’t there when Joan turned her head to look. No, it was now inside her room.

Joan leapt backwards against the headboard when she saw the crow perched on her keyboard. Her mouth was open in shock, but no words came out.

“I apologize,” Said the bird, “I did not mean to startle you.”

Joan audibly sputter and then stammered on her words. The bird tilted its head at her.

“My, are you shivering.”

“How are you-?! You- a bird-?!” Joan choked.

“Calm yourself.” Said the bird, “I am not a threat.”

“How are you talking?”

“How are you here in modern day?”

Joan shut her mouth. The bird chuckled.

“This world is a strange one. I’m sure a talking animal is nowhere near as strange as resurrection of a lady in waiting from five hundred years ago.”

“I...I guess.” Joan blinked.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” The bird flapped over, “I am Fate, watcher of shades and guider of souls.”

“Joan Meutas...keyboardist and music director.”

Fate laughs.

“What are you, uhh, doing here?”

Even with its beak and animal features, Joan swears she saw Fate frown. A crest of feathers ruffled around their head and then they sighed.

“I am a being that guides souls to Death,” They began to explain, “I watch over them until departure and then take them to Judgement.” They look up and Joan seems confused, “Now you, the other three, and the queens are interesting cases. You’re not...human. Not really. The existence of you ten disrupts the balance of the universe. It’s...difficult to manage at times. And, because of that, things need to be done.”

Joan still has her eyebrows furrowed, not understanding.

“Regeneration. That’s what we- the Ministry- dub what you ten may go through. It’s a disappearance for a short amount of time and then you return, usually with a new form. This process, the short absence, gives us time to balance out order.”

“Okay...” Joan said slowly, “So that’s happening to me?”

Fate frowned again, but it doesn’t stay for long.

“I hope.”

—————

After the ache came the shivering. Joan was naturally cold all the time, but now she always felt like she was freezing, no matter how many layers she put on. It earns her worried looks from Fate, who has stuck around her since their first meeting that night.

It was just the regeneration process, though. Apparently. That’s what Fate said. Joan didn’t know for sure, as she wasn’t an otherworldly being that balances out the universe.

There was another one of those. A brilliant golden owl that Joan sees around at least one of the queens. It’s silent and doesn’t interact with her, just watches from afar.

“That’s Destiny,” Fate had informed, “They prefer the queens because, you know, they’re so ‘special’ and ‘important.’”

Joan laughed a little from where she’s seated in front of her keyboard, preparing for the next show. Fate is hopping along the rims, as crows do, invisible to everyone that wasn’t her.

“The queens are important,” She said.

“Indeed,” Fate nodded. They craned their head around and stared at the owl who was watching from one of the wings. “Are you going to come over here or not?”

Destiny tipped their beak up, miffed, then flew up the stairs of doom, disappearing from sight.

“I bet they’re great at parties.”

—

It was during the show that Joan was struck by a sharp flare of pain and then nauseating dizziness. She had to squeeze her eyes shut, fumbling to continue playing whatever song they were on. This went on for the rest of the performance and when it was time to get offstage, Joan was tottering to the side and...

“Woah there,”

Joan pried open her eyelids and stared up at Jane, who had caught her before she hit the group.

“I’ve got you, sweetheart.”

“Jane,” Joan mumbled, the name slurring across her lips, “Hey...” She giggled a little, clearly delirious from her several dizzy spells.

Jane smiled fondly down at the girl, helping her stead up normally. Joan still leans against her, nuzzling her face into the queen’s soft chest.

“You’re warm...” Joan murmured.

“And you’re very cold,” Jane said, worry slipping into her voice. “Are you feeling okay, honey?”

“Juuust fine,” Joan replied, “Can you just hold me for a little longer? You’re really, really warm Lady Jane...”

Jane obliged and held Joan for a few more minutes. It was Joan who eventually pulled away because she noticed Destiny perched a few feet away on a speaker. Joan lets Jane know she’s okay and the queen walks off.

“Hello,” Joan smiled slightly at the owl.

“Oh you poor soul.”

Destiny’s voice was quite the contrast to Fate’s. It had a slight accent to it and the words were dripping with molten honey when spoken.

“So weak and frail. How are you not sobbing in fear right now?” Asked the owl.

Joan blinked, looking confused.

“What?”

“Destiny.” Fate flew over, landing beside its sister-being.

“Did you not tell her?” Destiny snapped their head around to look at the crow.

“I-”

“You didn’t.”

“What are you two talking about?”

Destiny and Fate look at Joan, then back at each other. Fate is shaking their head, but Destiny doesn’t listen to whatever they’re silently pleading about.

“You’re dying, Joan.”

———

The fear was intense. Extreme. Unnerving.

Will they remember her? Did they even care? Should she tell them?

Looking at Bessie and Maria and Maggie at dinner, Joan wonders if she’ll ever see them again.

—————

“Hey, can I talk to you?”

Destiny looks cautious, but they fly over.

“What do you need?” They asked.

“I just want to talk. Might be the last time. Don’t know when I’ll disappear.”

Joan’s eyes are blank. They’ve been that way since yesterday, when she was fully informed on what was going on with her.

“What’s going to happen to everyone? After I’m gone, I mean.”

Destiny frowned deeply at that. It’s like they were upset that Joan was speaking of her upcoming death.

“Life will go on. They will recover.”

Joan nods and looks to the ground.

“Listen-” Destiny sighs. “I’m sorry. None of us in the Ministry wanted it to come to this, but-”

“I get it.” Joan cut them off, “I do, really. You need balance. It would be selfish of me to resist and risk ripping the balance between space and time in two.”

Destiny is quiet for a moment, pursing their beak into a tight line.

“The least I can do is give you a request. Is there anything you’d like me to do for you?”

Joan feels her throat tighten and she braces herself for one last difficult conversation.

“Take care of everyone. Please.”

Destiny nods.

“Of course.” Said the owl, “I will make sure your wish comes true.”

They start to leave, then stopped.

“Be brave. This isn’t goodbye.”

—————

Two days later, Joan stays up watching the sunrise and wonders if this was the last time she’ll ever see it. Why are things the most beautiful when they’re about to be taken away?

“Is it time?” She asked.

“Almost.” Fate answered.

Joan hugged Bessie the moment she saw her. The bassist seemed to be surprised, but hugged back tightly.

“And what’s this for?” She asked, smiling brightly.

“Nothing,” Joan shrugged and then grinned back, “Just thank you. For everything. I love you so much, mama.”

Joan calling Bessie her mother nearly sent Bessie into the fifth dimension and she embraced the girl again, this time pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“I love you, too, my little dea.”

Joan giggled at the nickname and then flung herself at Maria when she saw her coming downstairs. She actually leapt up onto the drummer, clinging on with all her limbs like a koala and they both burst into fits of laughter.

“Someone is full of energy!” Maria chortled, bouncing Joan in her arms. “Morning, Joey.”

“Morning, ‘Ria,” Joan replied, burying her nose into the older woman’s soft locks. “Love you.”

“I love you too, Jo.”

“Maggie!”

Joan shot out of Maria’s arms and scooped Maggie up into her own, stunning the youngest. She was still for a moment before giggling.

“Oh, Maggie! My little sister! I love you so much!” Joan gushed, nuzzling her cheek up against the guitarist’s, who has yet to stop laughing. “I love you all so much!”

It was true. Joan never realized that she didn’t say it enough, hardly ever because she was too shy or too afraid that they’ll get rid of her. But she’s finally realized how much they mean to her and how much she means to them.

Too bad it was at a time like this.

Before they get to the show, Joan convinces the other three to go to the park. There, they spend an hour and a half just running around in the snow and having a good time. They had an epic snowball fight- Maggie and Bessie vs. Maria and Joan. Of course, Bessie obliterated them, but it was just so enjoyable to play like that. Bessie even snorted at one point, which causes the other three to howl and nearly collapse.

“Jane!”

When they finally went to the theater to get ready, Joan immediately catapulted herself at Jane. The queen is surprised at first, then smiles and takes Joan into her arms.

“Hello, sweetheart,” She said in her wonderful voice, “Happy today, aren’t we?”

“Definitely!” Joan chirped, nuzzling up close to Jane like a kitten, “It’s a good day, mum. I can feel it. This performance is gonna be great!”

Jane chuckled and rubbed Joan’s back. They stayed together before Joan eventually pulled away to get ready and also see the other queens.

That performance was by far Joan’s best. She was so full of life and energy, even jumping out of her stool at one point and playing on her feet. She danced to every song, even occasionally joining in on the singing. She got many bright smiles from the queens, who couldn’t take their eyes off of her.

However, all good things must come to an end eventually.

A golden orb flitted around Joan. She almost messed up because she tried to follow where it was going, but it dissolved into the air. A few more appear, seemingly from around her feet, and her body suddenly gets very heavy.

When Joan looks down at her hands, they’re tinted blue, as if she has frostbite.

Her time with everyone...ends now.

Icicles are growing through her stomach. Her ankle is on fire. Her chest is constricted. She can’t breathe.

The situation hits Joan hard. She was about to die.

She didn’t want to die.

Joan cried through the rest of the show. From I Don’t Need Your Love to the MegaSix, the tears did not stop falling. She wept and sobbed until she felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore. The freezing cold and excruciating agony infecting her entire body only gets worse.

The MegaSix ends. Joan stumbles out of her chair while Cleve did giving a goodbye speech. Everyone stares when the keyboard clatters to the ground and Joan staggers on center stage.

“Joan?” Jane called out worriedly.

“Sweetheart?” Bessie tried quietly, “What’s wrong?”

“I love you,” Joan whispered. Several orbs twirl around her, “I love you all so much.” She pauses and swallowed painfully, “I think...it’s time for me to say goodbye.”

A chorus of “Huh?!” and “Goodbye?!” sounded all around her as everyone, even the audience, who probably thought this was a special scene added in, were shocked.

“Joan, what the hell are you talking about?” Aragon asked.

“We aren’t human,” Joan said, “Not really. Our existence disrupts the balance of the universe, so sometimes we have to go through a regeneration process.” Another pause, “But that isn’t the case with me. I am excess. Me being here is causing strain on the order of the world. But because I am so unnecessary, I can be removed and the balance can be restored.”

It almost sounded like something scripted, but the looks of shock and horror on the other’s faces were too real to be just really good acting. The audience murmured in confusion.

“I’m going to disappear.” Joan said.

Shocked gasps. Startled glances. Stunned expressions.

“But...I’ll never forget any of you. Even if I didn’t know you in my past life. I’ll remember all of you.”

“Stop it, Joan!” Cleves growled, but her shimmering eyes betrays her masked anger, “Stop! Are you even hearing yourself? This is insane!”

Joan looked at her and smiled weakly. More orbs glow around her.

“I know,” She laughed dryly, “I didn’t want to believe it, either, but...it’s happening. My body feels so heavy. Everything hurts. It hurts so badly.” She choked for a moment, the sobs overtaking her for a few seconds, “But it’ll be over soon. I’ll be gone.”

She splays her hands open and looks down at them. They’re a deep shade of indigo, now. Her lips are tinged blue.

“But I’ll never forget. Even when I’m gone. I’ll never forget...”

A wave of fatigue washes over her and suddenly she’s so tired...

Fate appears. Their ebony feathers are glistening under the stage lights. Destiny watches from nearby.

“Are you ready?” The crow asks.

Joan nodded and turned away from her family and friends, trudging up the very edge of the stage. She doesn’t acknowledge the audience- they do not matter.

“Thank you, Maria.” Joan began to speak again, using the last of her energy on these final words, “For being my friend. You were so much more than that, though. You were my big sister. You were always there for me. You always cared. I love you so much.”

She looks to Maggie next.

“Maggie...god, I’m gonna miss your ferret face,” She choked out a laugh, “Take care of yourself, okay? I know things feel like shit sometimes, but it’ll get better. I promise.”

Then, the queens.

“You are all amazing. I’m so glad I got to meet all of you and be apart of this.”

Finally, Jane and Bessie.

“I’m gonna miss you a lot...both of you. Jane, I’ve always seen you like a mother. Bessie, you took me under your wing like I was your own. I felt safe. Loved. With both of you. I love you, mama.”

Tears are falling, now, but not just by Joan. Almost everyone onstage are crying.

“Joan,” Fate reminds softly.

“Goodbye.” Joan said. Her body began to glow. Numbness spreads throughout every nerve. “I had a lot of fun. Getting to have a dream... Getting to play music... Getting to know all of you... Getting to live. I’ll never forget it.”

The light grows brighter. It’s almost enveloping Joan completely. She can barely see, but that might just be the overflowing tears obscuring her vision.

“Goodbye.” One last time, so softly. “It’s okay if you forget me. I’m not worth remembering. But...thank you for giving me something that was worth living for.” Joan tips her head up and smiled weakly, “For five more seconds,” She mused in a watery voice, “we’re ten.”

A blinding flash of golden light bursts through the theater. Many have to shield their eyes, but then they uncover their faces, Joan is gone. Only a pale yellow flower covered in frost is left in her absence.

#:)#six the musical #six the musical fanfiction #six the musical fanfic #joan on the keys #bessie on the bass #maria on the drums #maggie on the guitar #catherine of aragon #anne boleyn #jane seymour #anna of cleves #katherine howard #catherine parr

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lostgirllesbian · 5 years

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Welcome To My TED Talk About Queenie Goldstein

First thing’s first

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!

SPOILERS INCOMING FOR FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD!!

If you’re still reading I assume you either know about the direction Queenie’s character has gone or don’t know and just want to be spoiled.

Queenie quickly became my favorite character after I saw the first Fantastic Beasts movie. She was interesting, a perfect foil for Tina, and while it would have been easy to write her off as the pretty character she proved to be more than just that, and not just because of her Legilimency but also her ability to see the best in people, especially when they can’t see it in themselves. She proves this with not only Jacob but also the small moment she has with Newt and talking about Leta Lestrange.

The direction Jo took her character in Crimes of Grindelwald is one of the most infuriating moments I’ve experienced as a fan of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I was sitting in my seat in the theater crying because I was sad yes, but more because I was angry. Now I will list the reasons why everything that happened with Queenie in CoG was total and complete bullshit. I don’t care how persuasive and alluring Grindelwald is, Queenie would never join him.

1. Her Ilvermorny house

Queenie was a Pukwudgie, the house that is said to represent Heart. This makes sense when you think of how Queenie is able to see the best in people as well as follow her heart. However, Pukwudgie’s are also “fiercely independent”. Queenie also proves her independence in the first Fantastic Beasts movie when she rescues Jacob from being obliviated by Abernathy, when she breaks into Graves office, when she tries to leave Jacob to help Tina and Newt with Credence and other areas. She is following her own independent streak while also following her heart and trying to save people she cares about.

Queenie also would also never enchant Jacob because of all the reasons I listed above as well. Yes, Tina disapproving of their relationship would have been upsetting to Queenie but if she had been written correctly she would have done her best to show her sister that the Ministry was wrong, just like they were wrong about Credence.

2. Her Legilimency

Queenie is outed very early in the first movie as a Legilimens and we’re shown that her ability is almost second nature to her. We never see her cast a spell to read anyone’s thoughts her power seems innate. In CoG we see her get overwhelmed by this power in Paris which didn’t make sense to me in the first place. She is surrounded by crowds of people every day in New York City and she never gets overwhelmed. I can chalk up the incident to her being emotional and distraught over her situation with Jacob. That brings us to her savior and her first encounter with Grindelwald. With her ability she should be able to see what he and his followers have done, the people they’ve killed, the horrible crimes they have committed. If she isn’t able to, that is never stated or explained. It is possible (though unlikely) that Grindelwald and everyone around him are practiced in Occulmency and Queenie wasn’t able to read their thoughts but that is an assumption. For the sake of argument let’s say that isn’t the case and ask, why would Queenie go along with these people who are so clearly evil?

3. Tina

At the beginning of CoG Queenie states that she and Tina aren’t talking because of Jacob (I am angry enough about this but am going to go past it for now) However, Queenie goes to find Tina after her fight with Jacob meaning that she was trying to make up with Tina or at least talk to her. When she goes to the French Ministry she is clearly upset at not being able to find her sister. With Tina’s job as an Auror and her own job at MACUSA Queenie is aware of Grindelwald’s history and her sister’s role in fighting him. Tina is the only family Queenie has left and after everything she did to save her in the first movie, she would never turn her back on her like she did in this movie.

4. Jacob

I know that anyone who wants to defend the choices Jo wrote for Queenie will bring up Jacob as her reason for joining Grindelwald

Fuck that!

From the beginning the relationship we all loved between Queenie and Jacob was totally screwed over.

I was happy when we were told that Queenie found Jacob and helped to restore his memory. That fit with the last we saw of both these characters. However, after that moment it is clear that something is off. When Newt lets the audience know Jacob is enchanted I was automatically up in arms.

Queenie cared about Jacob enough to try and stop him from walking out into the obviliating rain, she cared enough about him to find him and help him remember everything they went through. She wouldn’t just turn around and put him under a spell knowing that 1. he wasn’t really going to leave her and 2. he doesn’t have any magic to fight back with.

Queenie brought Jacob to London because the laws there are different and she would have been able to be with him and start a family so why didn’t she just tell him that and get him to go willingly to London? She was frantic to find him when she heard his voice but once she had her encounter with Grindelwald it seemed like she forgot about him completely. That doesn’t make any sense to me given their relationship and the fact that Queenie can’t find Tina.

When she and Jacob are finally reunited she wants to say and listen to Grindelwald, seemingly uninterested in Jacob at all, even though he’s the reason she’s listening to all of Grindelwald’s talk. Then comes the moment that inspired my rant, the moment Queenie chose to leave Jacob behind. She wanted him to follow her, forgetting that because he is a muggle, he can’t.

This is the Queenie who wanted to run away with Jacob instead of losing him. The Queenie who found him again after he had his memory erased. The Queenie who said there was no one else like him. She turned her back on him and walked away and that is something Queenie would never have done.

First of all Queenie and Tina are half-bloods, which means somewhere there is a Muggle in their family (how that is possible with MACUSA’s laws I don’t know. I assume their parents came over from somewhere in Europe) one of their parents could be a Muggle, or one pureblood and one muggleborn, or both of their parents could be halfboods too. It doesn't really matter how they are half-bloods but what does matter is the direct link to a muggle in their family somehow. That means Queenie should have never bought into the Pureblood ideology that was being spewed.

Gindelwald didn’t promise her anything, he only said that non magic people were “different” or “not inferior” that doesn’t mean he sees them as equals or will give Queenie the ability to be with Jacob. He’s simply being vague and Jo is changing Queenie’s character to allow her to buy into his speech.

In Fantastic Beasts, Queenie Goldstein is a warm and caring witch. A young woman who loves and cares deeply, has a mind of her own, is brave and intelligent.

In Crimes of Grindelwald Jo has turned her into some manipulative, mindless, sheep and in my personal opinion I think it’s one of the worst things she’s done as a writer.

She took a strong female character, that a lot of girls and women (including myself) love and ruined her. Queenie deserved better.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

#ted talk #welcome to my ted talk #queenie #queenie goldstein #queenie and jacob #fantastic beasts: crimes of grindlewald #crimes of grindlewald spoilers #crimes of grindelwald #fantastic beasts spoilers #newt scamander #tina goldstein #queenie deserved better

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