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miracledarling · 1 year

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my personal success stories #1

part 1: appearance changes 💄

so one of my biggest goals for manifesting was appearance changes. it was something that i used to be insecure about and i would complain about. but now i'm more satisfied with how i look. my self-concept and my appearance have improved over time in different aspects through different ways. so i'm just going to put a few of my personal appearance change success stories. i talk about some person things i experienced and maybe you may relate so i hope it motivates you.

the backstory

as i mentioned a few times before, i first found out about loa through subliminals. at first i thought subliminals were just complete bs because why would listening to music and rain sounds make my lips bigger and make me skinnier?? wtf. but after a while i decided to try manifesting appearance change. through subliminals. i wanted to manifest my desired face and body.

i was fed with TONS of limimiting beliefs back then. i gave up on manifesting appearance changes after a a bit. it wasn't worth my time or energy as so i thought. i was avoiding mirrors and it just made life a little more stressful.

a while later i decided i would go back to manifesting things. i rewatched some of sammy ingram's videos, which i used to binge watch when i was new to loa. i started to listen to subliminlas again, since they have actually given me small succsses beforehand. and i made vision boards. i repeated affirmations to myself when i was bored. just started applying little by little.

facial features

for facial features i kept some of them and changed some of them because i was kind of satisfied already. i manfiested my eyes to be a little bigger, and my lips to be a bit plumper. i just affirmed to get it and used some subliminals. my face still looks recognizable, just small changes i wanted here and there whenever i felt like it. and i literally posted a FACE REVEAL so don't argue with me lmao.

clearer skin

one thing i really wanted to manifest was flawless skin. because i was insecure about acne. this manifestation took place pretty recently compared to the other ones i talked about here. i started by manifesting skincare products but then went on to manifest natually having clear skin all together. whenever i looked into the mirror i affirmed that my skln was so clear and i drank water assuming it would clear my skin more. i also listened to lay subliminal's clear skin subliminal and it gave me HUGE results. so overall i got pretty clear skin with little effort or time.

body and weight loss

[tw//weight] another thing i was able to manifest was losing weight and changes to my body. the first time i did this was "unconsciously," before i got into loa so this was like months ago. i would look in the mirror and constantly tell myself(affiirm)that i'm so skinny, my thighs are so thin, etc. and whenever i saw images of kpop idols i would affirm that my body was just like their's except mine is better. i was scared i was going to gain weight but turns out when i went to the doctor checkup i actually lost weight, was 43kg(95lbs) before was around 42kg(93lbs) during the checkup and i didn't work out or diet. in fact, i ate more and i had online school at the time so i barely even walked around lmao.

i used to be insecure about my thighs but now my thighs are thin and i have a big thigh gap. my waist and arms are thin as well. now my body looks like something in between rosé's and joy's except i'm shorter than them. i've also gotten a ton of compliments. i usually wear loose clothes but when i wore something tighter people would call me body goals because of my body shape. and my friend would tell me that i'm SUPER skinny🤧 even tho i eat a lot of junk food and almost never exercise except used to do sports before(which actually gains muscles). i'm still thin even though my weight slightly increases compared to the first time i manifested wl since i'm taller, did sports in the beginning of the school year and gain muscles, and my body is still growing bc i'm still a teenager.

glow ups

i don't know if this counts but i manifested glowing up before school started this year. although most of the things i manifest were much later on, i still did got a few of my first "small" results in the summer, when i first found out about manifestation. i manifested getting some random changes such as new hair, new clothes, makeup products, etc. but i ended up noticably looking "different" from how i looked before.

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xiangni · 1 year

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November 8. 2022

- I watched more Ted Lasso today hahahaha

- It was a productive morning though. I made cheesy kimchi stir fry noodles~

- My roommate thought it was weird eating kimchi at 10am but wtf anyways. I don’t like normal ‘American’ breakfast. I’ll eat oatmeal, cereal, or a bagel every once in awhile. But I don’t really care for most breakfast foods. Also lucky charms is disgusting bleh.

- I cleaned a lot. I took the trash out of my room, the bathroom, and the kitchen. I did dishes. I cleaned the stove top, sink, microwave, kitchen floor, and countertop.

- J complains it’s so dirty and that A never cleans. Well guess what, neither do you!? I end up doing all the surface cleaning .-.

- Idk, but it just feels good to get it clean even if I’m the only one doing it I suppose. I also did laundry today~

- I ate half a box of chocolate strawberry Japanese candies oops.

- I also ate cake~ and drank 2 cokes and a water. Idk I drank more than my body was used to xD

- I did my PHSC coursework T-T it’s so boring. I tried to do my CES140 and OS hw too, but yet again, I am putting those off.

- I practiced more guitar and bas guitar today so that was nice ^^ that is kinda what prevented me from doing my OS project oops………

- J takes forever in the bathroom and I hate it. I can’t wait to someday have my own bathroom.

- I just wanted to get ready for bed so I could just settle in and watch more Ted Lasso before actually sleeping xD

#please no one ever read this

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baekhvuns · 2 years

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This comeback is really successful I'm proud, maybe they get more wins, apparently they have a chance. Seonghwa calling Nicole from KARA "an original Hallyu queen" wasn't on my bingo card, but 😭💗

The downside of Hwa having longer hair is the possibility of him cutting it unexpectedly. Last time at least he went pink so the pain wasn't that bad...PUT THE CAMERA AWAY BESTIE I'm only saying this because I'm too far up Seonghwa's ass 🥴

Is the panther gonna eat Hwa? 🤔 cause I wouldn't be shocked. Jduwugsgshdhdywwyys ok so I'm gonna melt alright???

Omg wait at first I thought my whole life was a lie and Noddy was a girl 😭 the gay misogynist racist is taking me out wtf

I'm trying to find some photos of me in that hanbok, but idk where the fuck are they... but it was sooooo pretty

Seonghwa will never leave me, he's a loyal man. That's lowkey creepy, but I don't mind <333 I'm glad Mingi appeared so many times too. The POBs were from Synnara (the green background white outfit ones) not my faves tbh, but the other ones were holos from Kpopstore I think! For some reason I can't upload a picture now, but A ver 1, diary limited, Z limited (this one is my fave ahhh) and the Synnara POB. Manifesting Hwa's for you, which version did you get?

Yeah sign me the fuck up Baek, love that rivalry AU already 🔫 I just know there'll be a lot of sweat involved, but unfortunately Seonghwa looks divine all sweaty so I have to simp anyway 🤡 idk I just had ADHD bestie, had to do something otherwise I was bored, plus initially my marks weren't outstanding so at least I did sports and music 😅

I think one of the reasons I'm a water anti is actually because no one ever told me drinking water is that crucial? Ushsbdhbshsgdha like I drank water when it was the only liquid available, but at home I was always given juice, soda, flavoured water etc. I was afraid you're gonna make that jopping joke 🔪

I SAW WTF PARK SEONGHWA WHAT'S WITH THE ARMS (I only hope he ate well and felt ok in a tight shirt, cause he always worries about his stomach sticking out 😭) goodbye world. Anyways the arms will be devoured now <3

I had to show you that throughout research because??? I'm both amazed and baffled lmao. What fic?! Actually I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

Hahaha I saw that UK band I recognised them from somewhere, people were too ruthless towards them, but also wtf it was so random 😅 and Conan Gray will be there next week

Ugh can't upload a photo still, but you hit me with the deep one once again, wbu?

Coffee & Cream: It is rare that you are disliked, little adventurer. Your body never gives in to sleep; you can sleep when you're dead, after all. You love to take risks, and dance in the rain. You try to see the positive in every situation, and that can sometimes be perceived as insensitivity. You tend to forget the people around you in favour of the world beyond, but not for lack of trying. You make friends and lovers so easily, but have trouble keeping them, for fear of commitments. Your love is plentiful, but thinly spread. Don't be afraid to confide in someone, once in a while. It's okay to cry, little hero.

Also Shakira miss girl pls, thought you'd be free from your dumb man, but now the jail thing... she'll probably get away with it, but still - DV 💖

hi hello!!

it rEALLY IS I HOPE THEY WIN TODAY AS WELL 😭😭 NO BUT HES SO TRUE I WAS LISTENING TO HER ALBUM BEFORE AND???? ADOPT ME MOMMY 🤚🏼🤚🏼🤚🏼 omg bestie did u see GG’S comeback teaser?? it’s itnw instrumental 😭😭😭😭 cHILLS

no you’re so right bc we’ll end up being upset about it 😭😭😭 LMFAOOOO BFWNFBWMFND FELT YES

Is the panther gonna eat Hwa? 🤔 cause I wouldn't be shocked. Jduwugsgshdhdywwyys ok so I'm gonna melt alright???

I HOPE HE DOESNT 😭😭😭🤚🏼 i think maybe a bite that’ll make hwa run to y/n BDNSBDD YES YOU ARE YES

Omg wait at first I thought my whole life was a lie and Noddy was a girl 😭 the gay misogynist racist is taking me out wtf I'm trying to find some photos of me in that hanbok, but idk where the fuck are they... but it was sooooo pretty

?????? NODDY IS A MALE?????? WHAT THE FUCK?????? bro do u rmr this guy 😭😭 NO BC FBWNFBEK OUT OF EVERYTHING ITS A MISOGYNISTIC RACIST 😭😭😭 SO BAFFLED????

omg when u do! pls do sent if ur comfy!! CHANNELING SCARLET HEARTS

100% HE’S A SIMP AND HE’Ll NEVER LET U GO FBFBFB LMFAOOOO 😭😭😭 nothing’s creepy with hwa fbwnfbsndhwk,,,, omg u got the green ones???? 🔫🔫🔫 FUCK OFF IM RUNNING TO U RN THAT LIMITED PC IM BEGGING FOR IT BC I ONLY GOT THE Z VER! IM BOLTING LOCK UR DOORS if i get the album before this posts ill update with the pc! oKAY I pulled a hwa ID card dbdbdhdhd sCREAMED WHEN I DID,,, a jongho yeosang and wooyoung 😩😩 my vv first jongho!

BESTIE FUCK SYNNARA WHAT IS THIS ?????? WITHMUUU???? IS THIS THEM DAMN NFTS???

OKAY BUT THE REAL QUESTION DID U GET A POLA 🔫

oH ABSOLUTELY LOTS OF SWEAT and hwa purposely hugging the mc with it or chasing mc around while she rUNS,,, DHJDDJ NO BC ILL PUT THIS IN MY DRAFTS FOUND A COOL PLOT SO ILL WRITE IT!!! 😭😭😭 I FELT THAT TOO always had to do something or it felt useless nO FR HELLO SAME marks go 📉📉📉 from A’s to C-‘s 😭😭

iM gonna have to sit ur mother down and chat about how u don’t enOUGH drink water 🔫,, LMFAOOOO FBWMFBKWHFWK DID U LAUGH FBFBDB ur knee’s will jop from now bestie ur not a regular old person, ur a ✨cool✨ old person <3 we love to see this <3 jOP MORE DBDB

GOOD BYE DID U SEE TNQNDHKWHDKW close the god damn gyms it’s time we barricade them (omg i hope he ate so much after the rehearsal or at least wooyoung takes him this time fbfbfb)

AND THIS HIS NEW OUTFIT??? 😭😭😭 gONNA D WORD TN FBFB

I had to show you that throughout research because??? I'm both amazed and baffled lmao. What fic?! Actually I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

LMFAOOOO I AM VERY MUCH AMAZED CANT LOOK AT HIS NOSE THE SAME WAY 🥰🥰 aND THE FIC??? ☺️☺️ dONT WORRY ABT IT I WILL MAKE EVERY USE OF THAT RESEARCH IN IT <33

Hahaha I saw that UK band I recognised them from somewhere, people were too ruthless towards them, but also wtf it was so random 😅 and Conan Gray will be there next week

omg fr???? what’s the news about them 👁👄🤌🏼👁 LMAO WHAT???? WHATS GOING ON IN KPOP PLS IS CONAN ALSO GONNA DO THE FINGER HEART 😭😭 this is nct hollywood innit 😭😭 & THEY MET ATEEZ??? 😭😭

Ugh can't upload a photo still, but you hit me with the deep one once again, wbu? Coffee & Cream: It is rare that you are disliked, little adventurer. Your body never gives in to sleep; you can sleep when you're dead, after all. You love to take risks, and dance in the rain. You try to see the positive in every situation, and that can sometimes be perceived as insensitivity. You tend to forget the people around you in favour of the world beyond, but not for lack of trying. You make friends and lovers so easily, but have trouble keeping them, for fear of commitments. Your love is plentiful, but thinly spread. Don't be afraid to confide in someone, once in a while. It's okay to cry, little hero.

hIT U WITH THE DEEP JDJD,,, “Your body never gives in to sleep;” yOU AND YOUR 100 JOBS omg.

exhibit a : “and dance in the rain.”

is this one of your reasonings to like bodyguard hwa bc they have 2 rain scenes 🔫

“Your love is plentiful, but thinly spread. Don't be afraid to confide in someone, once in a while. It's okay to cry, little hero.”

bestie…that’s so well written omg,,, nO THEYRE RIGHT YEAH MISS HERO 🔫🔫

Also Shakira miss girl pls, thought you'd be free from your dumb man, but now the jail thing... she'll probably get away with it, but still - DV 💖

LMFAOOOO FBWNFBWMDJS THE WAY IT CAME OUT ONLY AFTER PIQUE’S STUFF 😭😭😭 miss girlie gonna serve in court too, her hips won’t lie dbdb

2/2 BAEKKKKKK HAPPY GUERRILLA 2ND WIN! BUT ALSO WELCOME TO OUR FUNERAL! 😭😳🥴😬😩 I just saw it and thought you must see it as well 🥰 /// So many oiled arms today, wow... but Hwa's outfit obliterated me - DV 💖

EXCUSE ME AND???? AUDACITY??

DV ARE U SURVIVING HOW IS IT FOR U FBFBF LMFAOOOOI SEE THAT “🥰” UHUH UHUH DBDDB 😭😭😭 so many oiled and glazed arms would 100% BITE

quiz!!

#✉️ : ask #dv 💖 anon

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firststayfortea · 3 years

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i do one blood test

#it was like over one hour ago and im still dizzy af #i ate!!! i drank water!! wtf more do you want me to do?#medical tw #blood tw #food tw #tell our stories on these walls

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trailandkale · 3 years

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Here’s the mile by mile race recap no one asked for:

I hardly got any sleep the night before the race. I kept my mind quiet on the days leading up to it but I was restless with excitement and couldn't turn my head off, so I went into it sleep deprived. The next morning I had a hard time eating so I settled for a banana and half of the bagel I planned. On the way to the race I munched on half a honey stinger waffle because I wanted to be ahead of my hunger. I made a quick stop at the bathrooms before the race began, only to find massively long lines. There was no way everyone would get through them by start time and people began bailing as the minutes ticked by. A serious runner standing behind me was especially freaked out and I told her there was a bathroom at the 5 mile mark. She had pressure of being at the front of the pack.. I didn't lol.

The chips don't begin timing you until you cross the start line and I wasn't running with a pack so I didn't care about starting later than everyone else. I wonder how things would have gone had I played it safe and ran with the 2:20 paced pack and not got stuck at the bathrooms. Starting late meant I got to continually eat people up along the way. The 1st was fresh and way too fast at 10:04. I made myself slow down significantly for the 2nd, taking it at 10:49, as I was stuck behind people. Same for the 3rd at 10:51. I didn't want to go faster than 10:47 for the first half. I didn't know what this event had in store, or even what kind of paces I should be running or what to expect on the second half. Or anything. There. I didn't know anything. At all. Ever.

The 4th 10:48, 5th 10:32 - This was when I was feeling good, wondering if I could race a 10:20 pace, which feels like tempo (but a good, comfy stride). 6th 10:17. Mile 4-7 I slowly ate up the slower pace groups and was stuck running easy and relaxed with 3 older men who seemed to all know each other and one really aggressive female run/walker. Two of the guys kept running and taking walking breaks so I stuck behind one of the guys, a burly man, going a VERY steady pace. The lady kept frog jumping me with aggressive walk/runs. I had my first Chews 45 minutes in. I followed it to the minute, wanting to stay AHEAD of my hunger. I opened the package while running with the dudes (sorry for the distracting wrapper noises). I hopped off trail at mile 5 to pee, which cost me a minute then had to catch back up with those men and passed the flamboyant run/walker.

7th 10:29 - I was cruising but wanted so badly to speed up. I grabbed a gel from the aid station and pushed it into my pocket for later and walked while I drank water. At this point, I left the men behind and picked up the freaking pace. Miles 8-10 were my best BUT they were also the most painful. I had more chews between mile 7 and 8 and saved the gel for mile 10, not knowing how I'd react to it. I wanted to go fast but also keep myself relaxed, breathing calm and just let my legs move on their own.

8th 9:58, 9th 9:45, 10th 10:06 - The balls of my feet started tingling and hurting. I have a history of foot injuries, not a lot of cushion there and kinda “delicate” for lack of a better term. I knew this was coming so I just wanted to stay moving. I was fighting off a side stitch that got worse the faster I ran so calm deep breaths and riding the line that my body would allow was my only option. I felt good & strong, had the gel at mile 10 and spent time hoping for a water station to appear so I could wash it down. This time became super unmotivating (is that a word?) for me because I kept passing people starting to walk but walking would do me no good until I finished so I held off my struggle with that in mind. At first I was soaking in the wooded scenery, but now I was getting bored and lonely and was watching the clock. I got excited when I saw 1:52 and was just a couple miles out (the time my Garmin predicted).

11th 10:36, 12th 10:40 - Somewhere between mile 11 and 12, I got DEAD stopped by an ambulance coming down the trail. It threw everything off. Mile 12 hurt. There was a girl far off from me who I just focused on getting in front of. My foot hurt so bad so I walked for a second at the last water station while I listened to her family cheer her on and then kept going. The feeling in my foot was not going to stop so I wondered about my form. I still felt good and strong and relaxed. I wasn’t exhausted yet but the gel gave me a stomach ache (or was that the side stitch. I couldn't tell). I knew the gel was risky. I wondered how I was supposed to run twice this distance WITH hills and thought how boring this path was and how much I HATED pavement. I thought how the two things keeping me going were my playlist and when I found out Molly Siedel won bronze in the olympics the night before.

There were two men in front of me plus the 2:20 pace group. I had been watching them the whole time, wondering if I could steadily break my rough estimate of 2:20 and then I remembered I started AFTER them all. If I could get in front of her then I could crush that. Not sure by how much because I couldn't do basic math but if I started running a few minutes after.. then maybe I’d beat them by 3 minutes.. 5 if I was lucky and hoping high. I figured I would just pick up the pace as much as I could and hold on when it started to hurt. Everyone was looking so tired. I passed the 2:20 group and set my sights on the two men in front of me. I thought big, strong thoughts but for some reason part of me wondered if it was rude to turn the heat on and blow by people this close to the end. But I thought “WTF this is a race, stupid and you’ve been holding it in the tank the whole time.” I shot passed the two men but they spend up too so I could feel them right behind me as I felt the fatigue of misjudging my final sprint distance. No fucking way was I going to let them beat me. Not this close to the line. I shouldn't be trying to beat anyone but myself but it was fun and a challenge.

I ran to the Finish Line corral but there were two very slow walkers taking up all the space and it pissed me off so much I ran around them and passed the Finish Flags but got confused where the timing belt was and might have slowed down or stopped short. Oh well. No idea. Anyways I finished the last mile 9:02 and caught my breath. I walked around for a minute to cool down, got my medal and placed it on myself and got a freezer pop to cool off. By the end of the race it was hot AF. I didn't know anyone at this race. I’m sure it’d be more fun with other people. This race went through the woods so there was no crowd support. I don't know anything about crowd support anyways.

My Garmin shows a total distance of 13.2 miles in 02:15. My official results show a time of 02:16. I wonder how things would have gone had I not been stopped by the ambulance but my heart goes out to whatever happened. No idea how I'm supposed to translate this to something twice as long or how I'm supposed to have hills thrown in. I know for sure this time would have been different had this course not been flat. I got home and found out I was chafed in uhhhh many very unmentionable spots, low back and ribs and have three blisters from not wearing the right socks. No one is prouder of me than me. I remember being out there just thinking “Gosh. I’m just fucking happy to be out here.” It’s a big deal for some people, for some it’s not. It’s all relative.

#personal #maybe I could have pushed more I will never know

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tolerateit6sabe · 2 years

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

W H Y

WHY IS THERE ALWAYS SOMETHING NEW I’M LEARNING MY PARENTS FUCKED UP WHEN PARENTING ME??? W H Y ? i JUST WANT TO LIKE THEM, WHY IS THIS A NEVERENDING STREAM OF REASONS TO BE PISSED???

*deep breath*

My family has mocked me my entire life for being a picky eater. Nonstop. They nicknamed me the “starchitarian” to mock my eating habits. And I was talking about it with my partner and how I didn’t eat a lot of veggies as a kid when I realized something. My parents introduced me to very very very VERY few vegetables as a child. They introduced me to tomatoes, mushrooms (which are technically a fungi), carrots, peas, broccoli, and cauliflower. No cucumber, no zucchini, no squash, no bell pepper, no radish, no celery, no fennel, no lettuce, no spinach, no sweet potatoes, no asparagus, just those six vegetables out of SO MANY. And then they had the GALL to get angry at me when I didn’t like tomatoes or mushrooms?? I LOVED broccoli, peas, and cauliflower, and I actively ate one of those small packs of carrots a day. I really wanted to like tomatoes and tried them frequently, but the texture and taste killed me.

So they were mad because I only dared like 4 out of their 6 vegetables??? I ate any meat except fish that was put in front of me, all rice and potato dishes, I loved fruit and nuts like nothing else, and I understand that there were problems that arose from me not liking cheese, milk, and creamy products, but like.....I still drank milk. I loved vanilla steamers and would tolerate strawberry milk, the texture of it just still kills me. I wasn’t that bad when it came to being picky???? I literally just had preferences. Wtf.

And you know what??? When I grew up and had more control over my diet, I fell in love with vegetables. I love bok choy, brussel sprouts, bamboo shoots, and almost every vegetable I listed above. I still don’t like mushrooms in general, I struggle with cheese, and creamy products kill me. But those are preferences. I wasn’t that picky of an eater, I was just exposed to almost no options as a child.

And when I was seven and my mom was hit by a car and temporarily incapacitated, I made my brother and I’s lunches and dinners. So yes, as a child who was told not to try to cook solo, I went for microwave and oven meals. I went with whatever my parents stocked in the freezer, I went for guarantees because my brother was bitchy about his food not being what he wanted, and I went for familiars. I didn’t try to work with vegetables because I had never seen my parents do it. I had no clue how to cook them or what dishes had them that my brother and I would like. And, for the record, a first grader was in charge of packing lunches for themself and their brother. A power I never abused. Lunches were sandwiches, a fruit or vegetable depending on what we had in the fridge, and either chips or a small dessert. I never put in extra sweets or chips, I took care of my brother and I.

My family would go on to mock my diet for years. Any time something bothered my mouth, my mother would blame it on me having too many sweets. They made it about rights and wrongs: you were wrong for having sweets and salties and starches and carbs. My mother, who was overweight but not dangerously so, constantly scorned her body and would talk about not being beautiful, a habit my father picked up when he became overweight, and they would become rude about my brother’s body when he became a bit chubby too. It was one of the ways I was expected to be perfect: be slim but don’t develop an eating disorder because that’s bad. I went on a short diet when I was fourteen because I was five pounds (basically water weight) overweight, something my mother encouraged, and lost them and stopped. I was so lucky. But I think that if I had told my mom that I lost that weight and she praised me, I would have kept doing it. Because if that was “all it took” to gain their affection, I would have done it in a heartbeat.

I struggled with intense nausea and with eating when problems with school happened in fourth and fifth grade, but that was nothing compared to when I was abused by my friend in high school. I developed disordered eating that my family perpetually worsened over the course of a year, and would still struggle with it during the next six months to the point that eating three meals a day was an accomplishment. But when I was trapped with my family during the pandemic, my eating crashed worse than it ever had. I was dealing with gender dysphoria, horrible PTSD, anxiety, depression, and constant fear for my partner who was living with their abusive parents. I was desperately trying to fix my relationship with my family, going the extra mile, and constantly getting my hopes up only to have them destroyed day after day after day. I struggled with eating, especially with the comments they made. How much easier it was to cook for the family when I was gone. How happy they were when I made a microwave meal for myself so they could have a homemade one. How they would eat any food I made for myself. How they made snarky comments about how little I ate. How they would yell at me for being in the kitchen or just existing at the wrong time because how dare I intrude while they cooked.

I would be proud if I ate once a day. I struggled with eating sweets or chips even though they soothed my anxiety enough that a small amount could mean I would relax enough to have a full meal, but I struggled with doing that because if it didn’t work, all I would eat was unhealthy food and that was bad for me and would make me fat and then my family would be disappointed in me. They directly said that, between overweight and underweight, they would rather I be underweight. And I became underweight. I would dry heave multiple times a day, got lightheaded consistently and would quickly become faint, and became physically and mentally weaker. I finally left and went to live with my partner, whose brother apparently saw me early on and was seriously concerned for my health. My partner, knowing a lot about eating disorders, admitted to me that I would have probably ended up in the hospital soon at the rate I was going. It terrifies me to this day how horribly that could have gone.

I still suffer from disordered eating a year later, but three meals a day is usually the standard. Sometimes, I can’t do that, but my partner is always happy to help me through the meal. They don’t mock me or my eating habits, and instead support me in eating whatever I can. But that mockery of me as a child for being a picky eater because of factors beyond my control eventually built up into intense disordered eating. Use your words carefully, parents. Because they stay with your kid.

#tw: eating habits #tw eating habit #tw: eating mention #tw eating mention #tw eating #tw: eating #tw: eating problems #tw eating problems #tw: disordered eating #tw disordered eating #don't worry about responding #family rant #rant #long rant #just grumpy #GRUMP GRUMP GRUMP

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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survey by ehxsnos

First lets get the basics out of the way...

What's your name? Stephanie.

How old are you? 31.

Where are you from? California.

What color are your eyes and hair? I have brown eyes and naturally dark brown hair, but I dye it red. I’m a year overdue, though...

When were you born? July 28th.

Now for the fun stuff! Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? They don’t have doors; I have a curtain instead that I do keep closed.

How many people have you slept with this week? Zero.

What size is your bed? Full.

What do you drink with dinner? I don’t always have something when I eat unless I already happen to be drinking something, like coffee or a Starbucks energy drink. I do always have water nearby, though. But yeah, I usually don’t drink while I’m eating, it’s usually before and after.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Ranch or Chick-Fil-A sauce.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? Joseph, almost 10 years ago...

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? There’s several.

What is your usual bedtime? After 7AM. :/

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? It varied, but there were a lot of vampire and witch costumes.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Six years ago for my UC graduation.

Take a vitamin daily? No, but there’s a few I should be taking.

What do you wear to bed? What I wear during the day, which is leggings and graphic tees.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Wal-Mart and Target. We haven’t had a K-Mart in well over a decade.

Ever have plastic surgery? No.

Do you want kids? No.

Where did your last kiss take place? I think it was in his car.

Four words to explain why you last threw up? I had a stomach bug. That was like 4 years ago.

Last thing you ate? Wingstop for dinner, which was at 8PM. I skipped out on my nightly ramen tonight that I typically have around 2-230AM and now it’s 4:53AM and I’m starving. :/ I actually fell asleep around 10PM last night cause I had a bad headache and then woke up around 230AM, but I didn’t feel like getting up and making it. Sigh.

Do you get your nails done? Nope. I’ve only had my nails done once, and that was for my 8th grade promotion.

When did your last relationship end? Back in 2013.

So tell us, what room ARE you in? I’m in my room.

How many stories does your home have? Just one.

Do you own headphones? Yep, I’m currently wearing my new Beats earbuds my lil bro got me recently.

Have you ever... Gotten a Brazillian wax? No.

Gotten so drunk you couldn’t remember wtf you did? The last time I drank I got really drunk (and really sick) and there’s parts of that night that are spotty.

Been called a bitch? Jokingly. Seriously as well, I’m sure, but not to my face.

Slut? Jokingly.

Pierced anything? *Okay, finishing this at a much later time now cause I ended up zonking out.* Anyway, I just have my earlobes pierced.

Had a tattoo? No.

Smoked a cigarette? No.

Smoked weed? Yes.

Missed someone so bad you couldn’t eat or sleep? I’ve gone through really hard times after losing loved ones.

Worked out at a gym? Yes.

Snuck out of the house? Nope.

What’s the nearest furry object? My throw blanket.

Is the room you are in messy? No.

What is the single largest item in your house? Hmm.

How much money did you spend today? Zero.

What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time? I think 5,000.

What kind of cell phone do you have? An iPhone 12 Pro Max.

Have you ever been under anesthesia? Several times.

Which Disney parks have you been to? Disneyland and California Adventure.

What does your bed comforter look like? I don’t have one. I use a throw blanket, which is rose gold and fluffy.

When did you last cry? Last night.

When is the last time you took medicine? Over an hour ago.

What was the medicine for? It was my pain medication.

What kind of health insurance do you have? I’m not sharing that.

What is your birth control method of choice? Well, I’m a virgin but besides that I can’t get pregnant, sooo.

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas? A lot. I love saving up and spoiling my family with what I can.

If you were given $1k and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy? Uhhh. I’d have to really think about that.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? I honestly didn’t try to drink before I was 21.

Have you ever crawled through a window? No.

What do you spend most of your money on? Food delivery, heh. :)))))))) It’s my favorite way to spoil myself. <<< Saaame.

Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes.

Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? Yes.

Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? No.

How many rooms does your house have? It has 2 bedrooms.

Would you sex tape with you in it for 3 million dollars? No.

Are you happier single or in a relationship? All I really know is being single and while I’m not happy, it’s not because of my relationship status. Being in a relationship wouldn’t fix my problems and would add more stress.

Do you have curly hair? No.

What is a compliment you receive often? I rarely receive compliments.

How tall are you?: Like 5′4.

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when? My mom recently.

What is the last thing you said aloud? I said goodbye to my mom as she was leaving for work.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee.

What is one thing that can ALWAYS be found in your freezer? Ice cream. My dad likes to always have it.

How many pets do you own? One.

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 32.

Last time you went out of town? February 2020.

First thing you wash in the shower? My body. What kind of shampoo & conditioner do you use? A salon style for red dyed hair.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? I own a lot of things from Hot Topic, from clothes to accessories to collectibles. Majority of my graphic tees are from Hot Topic and their sister store, Boxlunch.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? Yeah.

How often do you hold hands with someone? I hold my doggo’s hand a lot, ha.

What was the most recent thing you bought? Food.

Could you ever forgive a cheater? I don’t know. Possibly. It would depend on some things.

Do you have Verizon? Yes.

Have you ever been pregnant? No.

What is your average cell phone bill? I don’t know. I’m on a family plan and my parents and brother handle it.

How many piercings do you have? Two; one in each earlobe.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? When I get in.

Have you ever had stitches? Yeah, I’ve had several surgeries.

Do you think it’s right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Uh, it’s a piercing. Who cares.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? Coffee all the way. I don’t drink.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? Nope.

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 player? *shrug* I haven’t used my iPod in almost a decade.

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? Speaking of Hot Topic...

What are your pet’s names? Princess Leia, either one for short. And a ton of nicknames.

Honestly, are you in love right now? Nope.

Honestly, what color is your underwear? Blue.

Honestly, do you think you are attractive? No. I’m a mess.

Honestly, do your wrists hurt? Not at the moment.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? No.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant? Say they got me mixed up with someone cause that’s impossible.

Was there anyone who "made your day"? My mom went and got me my favorite breakfast before she went to work.

Are you vegeterian? Nope.

How many windows are open in your computer? Two.

Do you read Perez Hilton? Nah.

Is there a baby in the room with you right now? No.

Do you plan on moving within the next year? We’d love to, but I don’t see that happening.

Have you been to a baby shower? I’ve been to several.

What brand is your computer? Apple.

How many cars can fit in your driveway? Two.

Are you taller than your mom? No.

Are you a cuddler? Not really.

Sleep on your back or stomach? I have to sleep turned toward my side and propped up due to acid reflux.

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? Always closed.

Do you dress for style or comfort? Comfort, definitely.

Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry? Blahhhh.

Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Sex isn’t a big thing for me, honestly. Also, I don’t plan on getting married.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? My first boyfriend did when I broke up with him.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? It’s horrible.

How long has it been since you had sex? Virgin here.

Who was the last person to call you babe? *shrug*

Last reason you went to the ER? I haven’t had to go for myself since my accident.

Were you a planned pregnancy for your parents? Yes.

How old was your mom when she gave birth to you? She was in her early 20s. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth? Yeah.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? It’s been awhile. My legs don’t really get hair growth for whatever reason, but that’s fine with me.

What facial cleanser do you use? I don’t.

Do you use a blowdryer? No.

How many purses do you own?: Several.

What are your top five favorite stores to shop for clothes? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

What kind of clothes do you mostly wear? Graphic tees and leggings.

What about shoes? Adidas.

Have you ever cheated on the significant other that you have now? I’m single, but no I’ve never cheated before.

What are your first thoughts when your visitor visits? It’s always like, ‘ohhh, that’s why I’ve been feeling like that.’

Favorite underwear brand? I don’t have a particular favorite, really.

Last thing you bought at the mall? It was Christmas gifts a couple years ago.

Do your parents like your boyfriend/girlfriend? I’m single. What color are your pillows? I have like 10 pillows and they all look different.

What if an ex asked to be back in your life? No.

Don’t you just love DVR? It’s nice to have.

If you're on a laptop, how much charge does it have left? It’s plugged in, so it’s at 100%.

Last gift you recieved? My brother recently bought me a new pair of Beats earbuds.

Lesson you recently learned? *shrug*

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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Using the first letter of their name, use a word to describe your partner. meow Where’s the closest church to you? like 10 minutes of walking

Last thing you did that made you feel like an adult? look for a job? What’s your favorite picture of your mom? Dad? maybe What’s something exciting that’s happened to one of your friends recently? ask them Do you have any board games? If so, where do you keep them? yep, here and there What were the last things you glued together? two pages of a notebook If you have a collection of anything - where did you get most of that collection? thrift store/second hand

What was the last thing you purchased? food and t-shirt

What are you wearing right now? pajama all day long sleeves and leggings What did you last order from a restaurant? smth disgusting that I don’t recommend And what restaurant was that from? local

Have you ever seen 50 First Dates? nope

Have you ever read any of John Green’s books? from what I remember If so, which one is your favorite? I don’t like him Are you a protective person? oh well... Does your license plate number contain the number 8? I don’t have a car Were you ever a ghost on Halloween? never Are you a fan of penguins? they’re ok Are you a good painter? meh Before buying a car, do you usually test drive it? dunno if I would Have you ever met your favorite author? noooo Have you and your best friend ever liked the same person? sorta When was the last time someone called you babe or baby? recently Do you have an older brother? he’s dead Do you watch Teen Wolf on MTV? I should lmfao

Do you have a movie that you have to watch during the summer every year? wtf Do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo? I believe Marta does Do you like the name Carter? not really Have you ever had a secret admirer? believe it or not but I had at least one How many different languages can you say goodbye in? 3 or more

Do you adore plaid pajama pants? why not

Can you see another person from where you are? my parents are asleep already

Can you curse in a foreign language? I can

What was the last thing you tripped over? not sure what was last

Do you have anything to say about eels? remind me of Ariel (Ursula)

If you could have a giant swimming pool, what would you fill it with? it’s a secret ;)

When was the last time you ate cardboard? that didn’t happen, ever, in my whole life

What song is stuck in your head? Tame Impala - Borderline

What color is the carpet below your feet? there’s no carpet

Is it raining? no

What was the last thing you laughed at? smth with M.

Have you ever petted a chicken? yasss <3

What about a llama? I wish

Or a cow? petted a bit

Can you play pool? I tried ^^”

Ever won a game of chess? I don’t recall

Approximately how long did this take? *shrug*

Where you a 90’s kid? I was born in 1992

What color(s) are the clothes you’re wearing? blue and grey

Where were you the last time you kissed someone? sigh...

Are you a godparent? no way

How much water do you drink in a day? 5 mugs?

Do you sleep too much or not enough? depends

Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? not possible Where were you going the last time you were on a train? Ełk or Warsaw

When you shop at IKEA, do you always stop to eat a snack/meal in the cafeteria? I did Are there any ways in which you greatly differ from everyone else in your family? for example - I’m gay Do you have any gay relatives? speaking of the devil... Have you ever had to have a pet put down? I’m against that in most cases Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? not last days? If so, what was the reason? I block porn blogs that follow me constantly Do you know what your vocal range is? no idea, that’s interesting When was the last time you spoke to your parents? this evening What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? don’t wanna talk about those mistakes Do you like metal music? not a fan Have you ever turned down someone who didn’t handle the rejection well? could be worse When was the last time you went for a walk? yesterday What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? counting my grandma and aunt? if not then one night Are there any colleges or universities in the town you live in? there aren’t How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? bad Would you rather exercise on an elliptical or a stationary bike? eliptical

Do you know anyone that’s painfully, socially awkward?: ... me? How do you usually pose in your pictures?: make stupid faces to cover my ugliness XD Do you know anyone that absolutely freaks out if you try to take a picture of them?: me again Do you pick on them for it and attempt to take loads of pictures anyway?: stop! If you ever had to take care of a fake baby in family ed - were you a good mother/father?: not applicable Do any of your friends put ‘lol’ in almost every single text they send you?: I do that too so...

Do you like movies more if they’re based on actual events?: prefer fiction What would you do if your gf was hitting on someone else right in front of you?: I would be sad Can you recall the first person you ever drank/got drunk/high with?: John and arab ^ are you still friends?: I still chat on fb with J. but only rarely What did you last stretch the truth about?: hmm... Have you ever had withdrawals from something?: omg Someone?: that as well How many nicknames can you think of for marijuana?: weed, marycha, Mary, trawka What about the police?: better keep quiet lol Do you know how to use roman numerals properly?: yep Most people who’ve slept over at your house all at once?: 5 Have you ever stapled yourself?: I’m not that clumsy Who would you like to spend the night with?: you know who... Is flirting really cheating?: it is What’s something you own that’s /only/ of sentimental value?: shitload of stuff What song would you use to torture someone?: smth that they hate Has anyone licked you today?: lmfao Three things you want to live without?: my problems A random stranger walks up to you and says 'you’re hot’. You say: ...

Do you wear the same shirt multiple times before washing? I might Would you rather be surrounded by maple trees, fir trees, or palm trees? definitely not palms What does your favorite bikini look like? I only own one bathsuit Do you have a balcony? we do have a balcony

Is Friday 13th REALLY that unlucky? Do you believe in any superstitions? normal day for me (I started to worry when I typed that down - kuszenie losu)

Does your country celebrate Halloween differently than in other places? Poland doesn’t really celebrate Halloween tbh

Do you see many bats in your area? sadly not, that’d be nice

How many board games do you own? mine or family’s?

Newest musical discovery? bunch of Tame Impala songs Last thing you cleaned? washed a wooden knife What exactly do you carry around all your stuff in? I own plenty of bags/backpacks/totes etc. What is your Mercury sign? still Aquarius Last thing you disposed of? food package and paper kitchen towel Are you good at recovering from injuries? been told How many different public restrooms have you used this week? less than 5? Do you have more piercings or tattoos? equally none What was the last picture someone sent you? selfie I asked for to make a morph out of our faces Did you hear a siren today? I did not What do you typically drink? water

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miss-anna-banana-blog · 4 years

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I never thought I’ll be writing something like this, specifically the part of exposing myself in front of the people who follow me + the ones who don’t but still are checking up all the time. These pictures take me back to summer 2017. The worst year of my entire life. You couldn’t tell of course because I made sure no one wouldn’t be capable of noticing these kind of things. I posted positive, happy and silly things and I “became the best version of me” lmao. Now I can finally admit that was some huge ass bullshit and I’m mad no one said a thing. A few months before those photos were taken, I started to battle with my super toxic new old friend Anorexia, followed by her cousin Bulimia. I could remember having a goal: To be as skinny as possible. To look as good as I could ever look on a family trip to the beach (now that I think about it, it’s like, come on, it’s your family they don’t give a shit). Also, before that, I had my high school prom and you can guess what my new eating disorder did for me. Did you guessed? Yes, it made me bought a smaller freaking expensive dress! So that I could have a motivation to lost all the freaking weight I hated. I remember being asked by the lady in charge of the dress store “Don’t you want the L size? I think you could feel more comfortable” And my whole face started to burn. I felt awful. But I remained calm, laughed and said “I’m about to go on a diet. I’ll loose all this weight” and she ofc had to be this supportive “buy all my shit” kind of person. So she suggested me to get the S size. But around that time I was dumb, but like not that dumb after all because I knew that, there was no way in hell I could fit into that shit, even if I stopped eating for like a whole month. So I decided to get the M one. And yes, maybe M is kinda considered a fat girl size, but this dress was made of lace. fucking lace. Which means, it was tight and getting the M was sort of a big deal. That day I paid for my own dress (because my parents had no idea about my future plans) and went home all happy and excited because I finally had a goal to achieve: To fit in that dress, because I couldn’t afford to throw all my money away. So at this moment I’d like to state that I have a mild pill addiction (nothing serious, but sometimes they still appeal to me as candies or some shit) and it appeared around this time because this girl had an eye opening moment when she found out about...*drum rolls* LOSING WEIGHT PILLS. It was a whole thing. I was shocked. Like, I could lose weight by taking this lil pill? Everyone said “yes” forgetting that ofc It’s not that easy. So I started to take them daily, even surpassing the recommended dose. I began to let those pills solve my whole eating problems. I started dieting but sometimes I had these huge cravings (I could also say I’m kind of a compulsive eater?) anyways, I wanted to eat junk food, but I couldn’t do it. My whole brain was like “No honey” and then we started to have a battle and when I won that battle, I decided to choose the losing weight pills as my ally. So, in resume, I ate a lot of shit and then I’d let the pills do it’s job. And what job I’m talking about? Diarrhea LMFAO. I mean, I had to get used to be shitting my pants every single time because everything I ate ended up in the freaking toilet in a very gross way. The thing is, I learned to live with this awful thing. I made it look like something normal. But the truth is, it wasn’t normal and I could have gotten a serious disease by doing that. But as always, that wasn’t enough. And when I realized the pills process was kinda slow I decided to cut most of the foods I considered “bad”. I ate once a day, drank tons of water and detox tea; courtesy of my mom. Because, now that I realize all this stuff, I didn’t started all of this by myself. I let my mom help me develop it. She has always talked about losing weight methods, pills, creams, all the things that would help you lose weight, my mama knew. So I always had this fear of my mom targeting my fatness. I had the fear that she would be disappointed because of the weight I had after all the advice she gave to me and my sisters. I mean, she always had something to say about this losing weight thing, How could I be fat? She literally was giving me options to not be fat anymore. So to her, at first was kinda normal that I decided to go to sleep to avoid eating. I would literally had a small plastic bag with some granola for breakfast and water. Then I would eat tuna with lettuce and lemon and more water and then I’d have more tuna for dinner. And when I felt hungry as hell? I went to sleep. It helped me a lot to be a sick person at it’s fullest. But hey, I def started to lose weight. With all the things I cut and the pills I was this close to achieve my goal. I decided to join my mom on her gym routine and people there started to compliment me about how skinny I started to look. I was living the dream!! I started to push myself way harder on the gym (I also almost fainted like 2-3 times a week) but Hey, I needed to get toned! Being skinny wasn’t enough. So I started to realize I could get myself to look better. And guess who helped me achieve my skeleton look? My dearest friend, index finger. We had our first meeting one time at the bathroom. That time I didn’t thought I’d be capable of doing something like that. I was scared of the result. But somehow we managed to forget that rocky start and the first time I vomited I was like “woah so this is how it feels. My god, can’t believe I’ve missed this my whole life” and it was so easy. I didn’t even need to cut foods. I could eat whatever I wanted! And then It would be gone for good! And all I had to do was push my finger deep in my throat. So fucking easy. And that’s how I finally achieved my goal, by playing the girl from the exorcist movie in my bathroom every day after every meal. I should’ve been happy, but my ED said “nope” and I had a whole breakdown and missed my prom. I went trough a lot of changes, decided to cut and dye my hair and tried to become a whole new person while stile carrying my oldest two versions (The one before the ED, and the one who had the ED) and I felt like I became an actress in this movie called “how long could you keep it cool until you become crazy”. Around that time, I weighted like 43...42 kg. I was way under my weight. My legs were tiny and I loved them. I loved to feel my ribs, my hip bones. I loved to see how my clothes looked bigger on me. I even sent some of my clothes to be fixed so that they would be smaller and fit me and yet, they didn’t because I was too small now. And I loved it. No one said a thing. My family was like “Oh now you’re skinny? It must be from the gym” My mom was thrilled. She never said it, but I could tell by the way she looked at me when I asked her if she could send my clothes to her friend because they didn’t fit me anymore. She even started to buy me clothes on smaller sizes and we even joked about how now I would have to buy on the kid’s section because I was so small and I couldn’t be prouder. I took photos with the clothes that looked bigger on me. I had to have proof that I was tiny! I was having a moment. And people started to notice that I became tiny but never asked how I got to be ‘that’ tiny. So, they never asked. I never answered. Until now lol. So the family trip to the beach happened and there I ate all the things I couldn’t while achieving my goal, because what the hell I was already skinny, I could eat whatever I wanted. And I ate, and ate and yet, I looked good on the bikini photos. I MEAN, for the first time in years I bought a TWO PIECES swimsuit. I had a great time there, it felt like a culmination in my life. I took cute pictures in front of the beach house, my cousin complimented be about looking skinny and pretty and yeah, happy ever after. Back at home, the struggle wasn’t over. I started to eat normally again but always fearing about my weight. I was perfect. I couldn’t lose that. So it begins the journey of “eating and regretting and then vomiting and then regretting it and then sending everything to hell and eating once again” and that went on repeat ALL DAY. To summarize, this isn’t exactly a story with a happy ending. It got to a point where I realized “WTF DUDE. YOU’LL DIE FROM THIS” and I stopped doing all that shit. Even my parents noticed the whole thing before I could send it back to hell. Tbh I was kinda expecting them to be mad or anything but they were like “we could hear you vomiting” and that’s all. Um, so you heard? Uh, sorry? My mom was more worried about how the toilet looked after I threw up on it. She said the stains were awful. So, I’d like to say sorry to my mom for staining her toilet while dealing with all my shit. My bad mom.

Now, I’d like to state that it’s been three years since that happened and my family and I still haven’t spoke about it. I had to seek help somewhere else. And you know, I’m not stating that my parents are the ones to blame. No, I was 17. I was totally aware of how awful having a ED was and yet I decided to participate. However, I totally believe they should have said something. I mean, it took a very short time for me to lose more than 30 kg and I slept all day. Wasn’t that weird for them? Maybe. But my parent’s weren’t exactly raised to be aware of people’s emotions. My parents were raised to be emotionless. They rarely show emotions and that’s something regular at home. So, if they ever felt worried they never expressed it because they didn’t knew how. And that’s normal, At least to me.

Moving forward to 2020, I’m 21. I’m an ED survivor (hate the word but you know, I didn’t died so I guess I kinda survived?) and I’m still in recovery and def not fully healed. That’s why I said this didn’t exactly had a happy ending. Because when you have an ED you can’t just put it away and make it disappear from your life. Nope, it’s not that easy and if someone says it is. They’re big liars. People talk about how difficult is to recover and gain weight without having these awful thoughts but they never tell you how your relationship with food changes forever. Or maybe they do, but it’s very rare tbh. Now, 3 years after having an ED I can say I still have it in me. Every time I eat something, I can’t help to feel guilty. To have the urge to vomit everything or the amount of times I say in my head “You need to cut food again” I get a losing weight goal every month. And I have the same feelings and thoughts I used to have 3 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel proud. I get the feeling I’m not having my best moment. And it sucks, you know? Because it’s tiring. Having your mind working 24/7 on the food you just ate and you could have replaced it with something healthier. And not being able to stop it. It also doesn’t help the fact that my mom is still obsessed with losing weight. She still has this habit of checking what I eat and making this “I don’t approve it” face. A month ago, I kinda had a relapse. I started to cut foods and then I was like “Hey, remember those pills? They still exist, you know?” But, I had no money. I couldn’t go outside to get them (bc quarantine, yikes) and I had no idea which ones would help me this time. So...I asked the expert; my mom. I’d like to state again I’m not blaming her. Anyways, I told her I felt fat and awful (she never said “you’re not fat” bc I have to admit, I am, at the moment) and asked her for her advice on losing weight stuff. She quickly recommended some popular diet pills she once listened a woman recommend in the radio. She even told me about a deal they had! Which included 3 bottles, all of them with 60 pills. Bro, I was in paradise at that moment. 180 pills plus having the opportunity to lose weight? WHAT A FUCKING DEAL My mom was thrilled, she even got the deal for herself (and both suffered from the same consequences, that my mom tried to cover up by saying that “it was the body’s reaction” and that we were detoxing our bodies” but I decided to cut that bullshit and stopped taking them bc I had awful results (and also, I wasn’t exactly losing weight which was the whole goal)

Today, June 2nd. I reflected about this whole thing. I am proud I never went to the bottom and to the hospital. But I’m not proud on the fact that I still haven’t recovered. Not even a bit. I mean, yeah, now I have double thoughts before doing something my ED tells me to do, but I still have the urge of being skinny. I still compare my body and feel like that is the only thing I could offer. Most stories shared this day, are successful ones. Most have this cute ending with them still being skinny but now, reflecting on life and talking about healthy weight gain. But not all stories are like those ones. There’s people still struggling. Like me, I haven’t even recovered but yet, I’m sharing this shit. Because that’s the reality behind having a daughter, sister, friend, with an ED.

We would never openly say “I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER” but it’s always in the little details. It’s in the way they read the menu and search for the healthy options and the calories, the way they express about their bodies, the way they constantly say how much they need to go to the gym. It’s in the way they look at food whenever you offer them, like if they could calculate how many days would it take for that food to get stuck in their body, specifically in the abdomen area. It’s there, but not many people gets to see it. It’s a matter of paying attention. And no, we do not want attention all the time, we do not want you to save us. It’s not about that. It’s about being aware that we are struggling and that we might need your support at least once.

Personally, I do not want to be saved. I just want to cope with it. I want to be able to eat healthy without falling again into these crap. I want to be able to look back and say “I fucking did it”. If I’m totally honest, the thought of losing weight will always be here with me. I’ll always have this little voice telling me “You could be smaller, you know? “You could stop your dad from saying that you’d be perfect to play football again because you could tackle everyone with that body” “You could be as tiny as your sister” “You could show your ballet teacher that you do not look like a ball anymore” “You could make your mom proud because you have taken her advice” “You could fit in that shirt and those pants again” and the most important one “You could have it all” because sadly, in this world, skinny means successful. And while I still try to achieve being that successful, the ED thoughts won’t go away, not at all. And I’m being honest. Terribly honest. But at least, I’m not lying and saying I’ll do better. Because, I’ll be better, just not today and maybe not even in two years from now. But I’ll be one day.

This story was shared to commemorate the World Eating Disorders Action Day (June 2nd) to spread awareness about what ED really mean and what they actually look like in real life.

#world eating disorder action day #june 2nd #spread awareness #eating disoder things #eating disoder thoughts

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0225pm · 4 years

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wow the quality of the video really sucks after it has been compressed but well i don’t have a choice!

anyway, i’m moving back to tumblr again mainly cus wordpress sucks and it’s not allowing me to post videos unless i buy their premium plan which is tbh a no cus idk why platforms for blogging should even charge you for the features that they were supposed to have???? also sadly, tumblr also only lets you post 1 video per post limit which is why i’ve put the pics and videos i took into in one but it’s better than not being able to post a video at all.

so it’s our monthsary!!!!

we’ve been officially together for 3 years and 5 months now and wow, i’ve only just realised what a long time that is 😂 honestly, if you want to count how long it has been since we first met each other, it’ll probably be about 8 years now. tho han sees it as 8 years but i see it as 3y5m cus idk who he was back then ya know what i mean? like i know the 3y5m him now than the him 8 years ago.

han sent me his live location as he does so every sat, and i was late. even tho he came all the way to my place i was still late :/ and i was so sorry 😭 i know there shouldn’t be any excuses for my lateness but i have my reasons, even if anyone thinks it isn’t valid :/ so i alr prepared right? like i mentally prepared and visualize what i wanna wear and etc. and so i went to take a shower and all. and then my mom all of a sudden asked me to do things like ordering food for her, clipping her nails, airfrying some sotong balls cus she was feeling peckish. initially she asked me to order food, which i then did but it was immediately cancelled due to the weather. it suddenly rained really heavily. and then while i was in her room drying my hair, she suddenly said she wanted sotong balls which i then went to airfry. and then when i alr did that and continued drying my hair, she then asked me to clip her nails and i was like “i’m going out ibu later farhan will be waiting for me alr” and she was like nvm la it will only take a while. so i did that and then i had to just rush cus i checked his live location and he was alr nearing tenaga area which is so damn close to my place alr. then i quickly picked out the outfit i wanted to wear. i mean come on, it’s our monthsary and i wanted to dress up right and i alr had this mental image of what i wanna wear right? so i took it out, wore it and then i realized that it was still a bit rainy??? like kinda drizzling so i figured he’ll be coming up first to wait till the rain totally stops but he texted me asking me to come down instead. and at this point i was sweating profusely. yeah, it was rainy but i was feeling so warm from rushing and doing so many things at once. oh ya, i was wearing this satin white shirt with shorts and that was my initial outfit like it looks laidback and casual and effortless but i decided to change cus i was perspiring and it felt so uncomfortable wearing a satin material when you’re perspiring like heck!! so i ended up wearing my fav tee with the same shorts and brought my hoodie along. it’s also my fav hoodie from uniqlo. i think their hoodie quality is bomz it’s not too thick or too thin and i wanna buy more but maybe wait till they have sales or something. so i ended up just looking super hobo as heck like it just looks like i didn’t even bother to dress up and i felt sad but i didn’t want han to be waiting even longer.

so when i went down he was alr sitting at the seats at the void deck and i can feel anger radiating within him lol like i knew he was mad and he still had his helmet on and his rain jacket on and all. and then he gave me different options of where to go for our lunch and then i just sat there pondering for a bit. and then i asked him if he wanted to put the jacket and pants at home but he didn’t want to so he took it off and then put it on the table and he took off his helmet as well. and then i asked him if we could eat at genki and he told me that genki was one of the options that he forgot to list so we decided on genki! his anger didn’t last long and as he stood up to head over to his bike i went to him and open up my arms cus i just wanted to hug him lolol then at first he tried to act all “ew” and moved away but he ended up hugging me anyway hehe and then don’t want to let go lol so bobo so cute. honestly i’m still shy??? around him wtf. like when i initiated the hug itself i felt so shy loooooollllll and when he didn’t wanna let go it made me blush wtf but ofc he can’t see cus we have to wear the stupid mask bc of stupid covid. i hate it wtf my face is so sensitive and it’s breaking out bc of having to wear the mask so my skin can’t breathe. like what’s the point of me not wearing makeup underneath the mask when i still break out anyway right zzz hais. ok sorry side track a bit but ya hahaha so then i told him i wanted to show him something!!! and then he was like “eh eh who said you let go” or was it “who said you can stop hugging” but it’s either one la hahaha then i took his hand and pull down my mask and then kissed his hand 😂 then i told him to look and i said “no transfer”!!!!!! hahahahaha cus i was wearing this lipstick and wtf man the formula is damn amazing really didn’t transfer anywhere at all. i even kissed my own hand and i even drank water but not transfer AT ALL. it was a gift i got from two years back i think hahaha for my bday from rai, a kylie kit and i haven’t worn it out before mainly bc the color didn’t suit my skintone cus the shade felt so light but when i wore it this time it felt like the shade was darker somehow? idk if i became pale from staying at home all the time or idk lol but i like the shade now 😌

oh at first i didn’t wanna go to tampines cus we always go to tampines hahaha and i guess i made a face and han teased me about it lol as much as it annoys me it’s a good kind of annoying? 😂 cus he’s so cute whenever he teases me in that way lolol but we ended up just heading to tampines anyway cus he wanted to save up on petrol also and i thought ok ya cus he has to work now and he has to go to and fro everyday so it’s better for him to save the petrol as well. i put on my hoodie and then we went to the usual parking spot at tampines. and then bc both of our masks were down i could actually kiss him hehe. and then from there we walked to the front entrance of the mall cus of this covid there’s only one in and out entrance but entering was a breeze tbh cus even tho there was a long line, we didn’t have to wait long.

then we went up to the escalator. and genki wasn’t crowded at all either so that was great!!! we did the safe entry thing, got our temperature taken and got our seats. then we ordered some food hehe. i was excited cus lol i love genki. not as much as i love my bf but if i have to choose an express sushi shop i would choose genki 😂 i wanted something soupy and filling so i got their beef udon since i alr had their duck udon the previous time we went there. and then i got a drink and chawanmushi as an appetizer. i love their chawanmushi as well and it’s something i will always get. i used to buy their clams miso soup but since it was taken out of the menu, i got their chawanmushi instead. and i was so happy when han decided to try the chawanmushi!!!!! i’ve always knew him as someone that wasn’t into eggs but he actually liked this one!! and he even ate the prawn and the naruto/japanese fish cake when i fed it to him omg 😭😭😭 i was legit so happy wtf hahahaha and then his fried squid came, also one of the hot foods i will always order but usually i’ll get it if i didn’t buy any of the udon. but since i alr got the udon i didn’t order it. and then his mini chicken teriyaki don came and lol the bowl was rly so mini ahahaha i wish i took a picture of it but i didn’t. but it was worth for the price of $4 i think since it was actually filled to the brim. there was even slices of tamago in it. he fed me a spoonful and it was nice!!! i’m gonna try that next time i go to genki if i’m feeling like eating rice 😂 i like udon cus of the chewy texture of the noodles and the soup. and then a plate of mentaiko fries came 🤤 there was A LOT of mentaiko on it it was so amazing and i was so surprise cus i didn’t order it but at the end of the day han said that he saw that i didn’t order the fries so he ordered it for me 🥺😍 so sweet hais and i really enjoyed it. i love genki’s mentaiko sauce it’s so damn goooooodddddd. so salty so nice. and then my udon came hehe and i devoured it. i fed han some too and gave him one of the fish cakes cus i think they made a mistake and put two pieces. the udon was so good i love it hahahaha. and then han ordered a seaweed roll, 2 more beef sushi and 1 mentaiko salmon for me hehe yes i know how to eat salmon now!!!! but it must be seared. i still can’t eat raw ones unless i rly dipped it in soy sauce or if it’s cut super thinly then maybe can try 😅

then after we finished eating, we went up to see if we can catch a movie. i wasn’t sure if we’re allowed to sit together so i asked him to ask first if we have to be separated and yay we don’t have to separate!!! so we decided to watch train to busan 2: peninsula. since we alr watched the first one together and there wasn’t much movies that were showing so we decided to catch the 5:10pm slot. it’s been so so so long since we last watched a movie tgt so this was nice. we didn’t get anything to eat since we just ate and i was still full but we had some time so we went to fairprice and got some candies. then farhan bought a root beer slushy which turns out to be scam!!! cus it’s just ice and it was practically solidified even after the movie was over it didn’t even melt much within 2 hours wtf. and then he also got a hotdog bun 😂

the movie was great. not as great as the first one cus the first one was definitely much more impactful but this one was not too bad. a bit too much “racing” scenes but i guess it’s to keep its audience on the toes. the storyline is a bit meh as well but i guess the suspense from some parts made up for it. it’s quite tragic though.

and then after the movie, i asked han if he still wanted pizza but when we saw the queue there was still a bunch of people waiting for their orders. even some foodpanda and grab delivery riders were waiting so i told him we’ll just order in and at first he was like we’ll see how but i ordered anyway. then we went out to head home and han finally lighted a cigarette. hahahaha he actually had to suppressed his desire to smoke cus we didn’t have time since i chose the earlier slot for the movie and im so proud of him for being able to suppress the feeling and yet not turning into a cranky momok.

while on the way back, he wanted to top up some petrol so we stopped by spc and then he wanted to top up his cashcard so we had to go one big round from the carpark to where he can top up his card but the machine is stupid!!! and he got upset cus he wasn’t able to top up his card. i think he still prefers the card with chip reader than the contactless ones. so then we decided to head to 7-11 so he can purchase one with chip but they ran out. so we decided to find another petrol station cus he said usually it’s being sold there too. so we did and this time round i guess i was being cranky cus the seat of his bike was eating into my skin and it hurts like heck so i told him to just top up the card since they don’t have the chip ones and he needed to top up anyway but then in front there was another petrol station and apparently they had a chip + contactless card there and i think they only accepted cash for it so he came out and then went in back and bought one there. and i was still cranky lol and i was perspiring so much both from my scalp to my body and it was drizzling too so all i wanted to do was head home so i got upset and i lashed it out on him when we made our way back cus he kept trying to make a joke out of the pain i felt and it just triggered me cus it’s like he doesn’t understand how much it hurts??

but it’s not his fault. cus i’m the one that chose to wear shorts even tho i know how much it hurts when i sit too long on the bike. and then he said he’ll cut the netting off but i was like no wtf. cus 1, we don’t meet everyday which sucks but ya we don’t and thus i’m not the one sitting on the back of his bike everyday so having to sit one day out of the week doesn’t bother me as much as having to sit on it everyday ya know what i mean? and 2, the parts that are still protected which is probably about 90-80% of the seat is still useable so it’ll be able to help protect the other areas from getting damage by the claws of cats.

and then when we got back, he wanted to pass his gummies to me but no one in this household eats gummies or candies. my mom can’t even eat sugary content cus of health, my dad isn’t a fan of gummies or candies he much prefers chips and chocolates and my brother too prefers chocolates or ice creams. i don’t like sugary content either but unless it comes from cakes or pastries or ice creams or chocolates so rly, no one is gonna eat it. and then he got mad at me and all i could hear was “you do to me can but when i’m doing it to you cannot” and i didn’t get what he meant by that tbh so i just kept quiet all the way till we’re home. i quickly took off my hoodie, changed into a more comfortable shorts went to take a piss and then went into my room. i sat down for awhile in front of the fan cus i was sweating so much and then i cooled down before i apologized to him and then asked him if he was still upset. i tried to get him to explain what he meant but couldn’t get anything out of him cus he just prefers to sweep it under the rug whereas i like to talk about it so i can see what i did wrong or which areas i have to improve or change so it can better our lives ya know but he’s not like that and i have to understand it so i just kept quiet and then i kissed him and stroked his face and hair a little.

and then he asked me if the pizza was here and i said ya hahaha it’s alr in the kitchen and whether he wants me to take it so he was like yes and as i was going to take the pizza he grabbed me and hugged me tight and i just instantly melted. it was genuinely hot lol i like this kinda shit hahahahaha but i’ve always felt afraid that i was gonna hurt him with my weight so i didn’t dare do anything that will shift my whole weight onto him but he didn’t care and he said it doesn’t hurt 🥺 haissss

honestly going home was all i was looking forward to. it’s not bc i’m horny lol or maybe that’s one of the reason but it’s mainly bc i just want to lay in his arms and just cuddle and give him kisses and also receive kisses. i’ve missed him all week long and we haven’t really been able to talk much since he’s working and he’s always tired when he gets home but it’s good that he’s working hard for his future and for our future.

and then the time for him to head home came. a truly saddening end of the day and he left a little later than usual but i’m just glad he got home safely and didn’t get lectured for being home a little late.

#adaywithhan #julywithhan

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godlydolans · 4 years

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50 questions

Tagged by: @atlas-of-a-human-soul

1. What color is your hairbrush?

All black with little accents of pink on the handle and the bristles (yes, I ran to my hair brush and took a good look at it before answering this.)

2. Name a food you never eat?

A lot of things, but beef is one that I will never eat.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

Too cold. My hands and feet are always freezing.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Watching a video on youtube (Glossier's drugstore dupes).

5. What’s your favorite candy bar?

I love Kitkat!

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

No.

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

"I love it!"

8. What’s your favorite ice cream

I love Blackcurrent and also Chocolate! And now I want both 😭

9. What was the last thing you drank?

Water. My skin has been really bad these days so I'm just chuggin it every chance I get (it's working!)

10. Do you like your wallet?

Eh, it's not as spacious as I would like but it does the job. It's got pink and black cheetah print all over it and it looks cute but I prefer something more elegant looking? I'm looking at this really cute blush pink one but it's a little out of my budget atm.

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Oranges.

12. Did you buy new clothes last week?

No 😔 I've been watching a lot of clothing hauls on youtube and it's making me crave some new clothes!

13. Last sporting event you watched?

Probably a cricket match a long time ago? I don't watch sporting events.

14. What’s your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Salted butter.

15. Who was the last person you sent a message to?

@atlas-of-a-human-soul

16. Ever go camping?

No. Imagine how fun it would be if the entire tumblr fandom could go camping 🤩

17. Do you take vitamins?

No.

18. Do you go to church every sunday?

I'm hindu so no. I've never been to church.

19. Do you have a tan?

Nah dude, I'm Casper the friendly ghost 🙄

20. Do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

CHINESE!!! I mean it depends on the mood, but its chinese food 95% of the time.

21. Do you drink soda with a straw?

The only time I drink soda is when I'm in a restaurant or something and they give you the straw so yes?

22. What color socks do you wear?

I'm not wearing any at the moment.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit??

I don't have my driving licence so I don't drive.

24. What terrifies you?

Literally? Everything! But I'll tell you the saddest of them all. Dogs 🥺

25. Look to your left, what do you see?

An almirah.

26. What chore do you hate?

Manually washing my clothes. We don't have a washing machine in my hostel (WTF) so I have to wash my clothes by hand and I don't enjoy it one bit.

27. What do you think of when you hear an australian accent?

"That's an Australian accent." Close second is, "that's so hot."

28. What’s your favorite soda?

Coca-cola and I also love orange soda when I do drink it.

29. Do you go into fast food places or drive thru?

Fast food places because again, I don't drive.

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

Brother.

31. Favorite cut of beef?

Never ate beef.

32. Last song you listened to?

Agar tum saath ho (Tamasha)

33. Last book you read?

Still ongoing, Pritty Girls by Karin Slaughter.

34. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

I've never tried but I reckon I could. It would just take a lot of tries.

35. How you do like your coffee?

I don't like coffee.

36. Favorite pair of shoes?

My black pumps!

37. The time you usually go to bed?

You don't wanna know 👀 3 am, mostly.

38. The time you usually wake up?

I can't sleep later than 9am or my family would kill me.

39. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunset?

Sunset. I'm usually not awake to see the sunrise.

40. How many blankets are on your bed?

One.

41. Describe your kitchen plates?

They are stainless steel.

42. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink?

I've never tried any so I'll let you know when I do?

43. Do you play cards?

Yes! I love cards!

44. What color is your car?

I don't have one.

45. Can you change a tire?

I can't but I'll learn it when I learn to drive and actually own a car.

46. Your favorite province?

I don't understand this question I'm dumb sorry 😂

47. Favorite job you ever had?

Never had a job.

48. How did you get your biggest scar?

I was riding my bicycle and an old lady decided to run to the middle of the road(she was trying to cross the road). I swerved and face planted a wall, my glasses broke and a shard of glass cut open my brow bone.

49. Favourite day of the week?

Saturday.

50. What did you do today that made you happy?

Had a video chat with my baby cousins! Brightened up my day.

I tag whoever wants to do this, it's fun!

#questions #really really bored #😓

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dfwemelie · 5 years

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June🌈

June 1st, Happy pride month bitches!!

Rest in Peace Domonic. You'll never be forgotten. We love you

June 2nd, I made a very bad decision I'm going to regret :D

June 3rd, I plan on going to the pool with someone, I know I shouldnt but I am. oof we stan going to the park then walking back pass out and having to go to urgent care for the rest of the day

June 4th, Oh..my..fucking..God. So I went over to Scott's house to hang out today. We were in his room watching Supernatural when he got on top of me and we started making out. While making out he took off my shorts. He then layed on his back and I got on top of him and started making out again. I didnt realize it but when we were making out he unhooked my bra lol. I realized in then took it off. I got off of him and layed down next to him and watched Supernatural for a little bit. Then he got on top of me again and started making out. while doing that he took off my underwear. Yep, so now I'm making out with him with just a shirt on. I get on top of him and stay there for a little bit. While I was leaning over making out he was trying to take my shirt off. I sat up and helped him by taking it off. Now I'm naked, omg. While I was doing that he was taking his shirt off. We make out some more, I'm kinda grinding on him now then he flips me over and gets up to get something from his drawer. I knew exactly what it was, a condom. He then layed down, took his clothes off, put the condom on then got on top of me again. I took him a couple of tries but he put....it...inside me. It kinda hurt at first but it's normal apparently. And then yeah, I wont go into detail about what happened next but let's just say we lasted quite a bit. Neither of us finished cause we heard his step dad come in. But omfg.

I cant wrap my head around it. I-I had sex. I lost my virginity. I am no longer a virgin.

I had sex. I will never forget this day.

June 8th, God damn I'm unmotivated. Today I went to the mall with Scott and Jacob and it was really fun actually. Later on when we were all home Scott kept talking about how he wants to get me some type of jewelry later on in the future. I kept telling him no and that I dont want him to spend money on me but he insists. So apparently that's gonna happen in the future someday.

June 9th, I just came back home from Scott's house. We had sex again lol. Most of the time we just watched Bojack Horseman and this weird alien movie. It was fun. Also him, his step dad, abby, and Maria met my mom and Gavin. Definitely was not expecting that. Like at all.

June 10th, I dont even know what's going on with him anymore. I'm just gonna be a supportive girlfriend.

I havent ate in 2 days, I'm sorry for lying Kaylie. I dont know what it is. I'm just not hungry or dont have the will to eat.

I've failed as a best friend and a girlfriend to him. I could've helped. But I didnt.

June 13th, I always fuck things up, one way or another. it was only a matter of time

June 15th, its 4:02am and I can't sleep. Neither can Scotty so weve just been talking all night. It's been pretty funny. Just talking about random things. I gotta go to my moms customers sons birthday and their house doesnt have service. Sucks but I think I can manage a couple hours. Todays Scott's and I's 2 month anniversary and so far he hasnt. I'm hoping he will in the morning.

Update, he did and sent me an anniversary video and it made me happy cry :')

June 16th, I'm so sick of it. I went out to dinner with my family, cousins and uncle, and grandparents. Everything was going fine until my dad and mom had to mention I wanted to go to California when i turn 18. Everyone laughed at me. Like genuinely laughed at me. And they all kept telling me it's not gonna happen. The entire time we were there they just told me how I'm not gonna make it. I almost cried. Then driving back from the restaurant my dad and I got into a fight cause I said I wanted to move. I'm so tired of this. Why cant they just be happy for me.

June 17th, I went over to Scott's today and it was really fun. We had sex twice, not surprising though. The second time was just...wow..damn that was really fucking good. Besides that we just cuddled and watches Bojack Horseman together. I almost fell asleep lol. Around 3pm we were both really hungry cause we didnt eat breakfast. Since my dad was supposed to picked me up he asked me to ask him if Scott could drop me off that way we could go get something to eat and we could spend more time together. Surprisingly he said yes so we left and Maria came with us. We all went to smoothie king then he drove me home. It was pretty normal after that. I came home, slept a bit, ate some dinner, watched Netflix, then went to bed around 12. It was a good day lol.

June 20th, these past couple days have been a blur. I dont really remember what happened

June 26, it's been 6 days since I've done this wtf. I dont even remember what I did. I dont remember when but I know I actually passed out sometime this week. My vision got dark and blurry, I heard ringing in my ear, and i was really scared i started panicking. I dont want that happening again. I stayed in all day today. Mainly just played Apex or watched netflix. I'm finally on season 12 of Supernatural and I'm pretty excited about it. Just 2 more seasons then I'm done. I'm going to Pirates bay tomorrow which is a waterpark in baytown. We were gonna go Tuesday but they were closed cause of the weather. hopefully that doesnt happen tomorrow. After I get home from there I'm going over to Scott's house. Pretty happy about that since I havent seen him in like 2 weeks. I'll let you know how that goes. It's overall been a normal day. I hope tomorrow is a good one.

June 28th, 1 month till my birthday!!! its 12:32am. I went to Scott's house yesterday. We've done it 6 times now. Cool.

I miss Scott. It kinda physically hurts not seeing him. This must be what Kaylie feels when she misses Ghala. I just want to be with him constantly. My stomach was growling alot yesterday, idk why I wasn't hungry, so he made me get up and get a drink of water. I put on his jacket and we both went downstairs. He got me a glass of water, he poured out some water from a water bottle in a glass cause he knows I hate tap water. He just hugged me from behind while I drank my water. I kept thinking, this is what it would be like if we lived together. I loved that feeling. I felt safe, comforted. I miss laying down on him while watching tv. I love him so much.

June 30th, I fucked up. I'm sorry

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hotterthanhotbread · 5 years

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Story time rant!!!

So we all know im not the healthiest person there is, but hey I'm not the unhealthiest. My dad on the other hand basically is asking for a death wish I mean he doesn't eat like he should and drinks and smokes constantly which is deteriorating his health rapidly. So ya girl here mentioned how she hates how the longer I stare at my foot the smaller it's seems and that it was like looking at a child's foot. My dad was like "I could understand if you were standing up and your stomach was in the way but you have you leg propped up" and laughed at that. I snapped real fast like "at least my stomach is almost flat with abs, while you're over here with a keg belly looking like you 4 months pregnant." My blood boiled like okay they, being everyone I live with at my apt, so far 2 younger brothers and dad, call me 300+ fat 24/7, more now that I've dropped 30+lbs. Like the other day I was mindng my own business and my dad pops up in my room and was like "I'd be terrified if you slept on the top bunk of your bunk bed" and I'm like wtf get out but in that awkward chuckle kind of way. You know like the Simpsons im in danger chuckle meme because Biss over here triggering a girl and I did like a 1.5 hrs workout right after...

Anyways back to story. So he said if an apocalypse ever happens he'd be ready and he was like "while you and your little friend here is dying from not eating for one day I'll be set to not eat for 2-3 days". I just gave that look you know the look that says this biss.

Anyways my mind was like listen here peasant boi you don't know me, I eat less that 600cals most days even though my limit is 1000. I purposely find it fun to see how long I can go without food. I can go week+ no food boi and you over here thinking I can't do a day. I workout while not eating for long time because self hate be like "bet you 5lbs you can't" and I be like "bet your ass I can" even when I feel like trash. I can do an apocalypse as long as there's flipping water, cause ya girl here is that messed up already. You can't survive in my world I'm a goddess compared to you. You would die in my world due to the lack of alcohol and food, could you survive off cigarettes bro cause I can.

It was then I noticed that I messed up. Like why am I even glorifying myself over here. Like why do this to me because you guys want to trigger me. So for the first time in like idk how long guy I honestly, I didn't count calories as I ate. I ate until I was full, I ate slowly, I even had sweets, and drank plenty of the clear liquid that helps keep us alive. It was weird thinking maybe I'm not that bad after all that I'm faking it but im not because normal minds towards food don't think this way. They don't hate themselves for eating a cookie now and then or hell even thinking of yeeting themselves off a highway bridge for taking a sip of a non diet drink. I realized I'm sick but so is everyone else in their own way. That we all fight our own battles but some are harder than others depending on your point of view.

That aside and back to the story I chose to ignore my dad's comments and eat peacefully for the first time in a while and I didn't hate myself at all. Like Biss ate a cookie and she enjoyed it. So it's the next morning and I don't know what to do. Like do I see if I can eat normal...do I restrict with only cucumbers...do I just not exist? Like what do I do besides see what the trusty old scale says.

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tisfan · 6 years

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One Hand Washes the Other

Title of Piece: One Hand Washes the Other Also on A03 Square filled: A4 - WTF Warning: unrepentant fluff, weird coping mechanisms, first date Pairing: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes Summary: Bucky doesn’t always eat with the team. It takes Tony a while to figure out why. Created for @tonystarkbingo

Barnes didn’t always join the team for dinner. Tony didn’t always notice when he wasn’t there. At first, it was because maybe Tony was there; they weren’t exactly on friendly terms. But as time went on, and Tony was a rational, reasonable person, the enmity faded. Grew into something like grudging respect, and then grudging admiration. And then, because it was Tony, it might have turned into something like a reluctant crush.

Tony didn’t like to admit that he liked someone; it hadn’t usually worked out well for him. Case in point: Pepper Potts was back on the West Coast again, and sometimes missing her was like an extra hole in his chest, and he was beginning to believe that his emotional make-up was something very swiss-cheese in composition, and he didn’t need any more random aches and pains, thank you very much.

So, Tony tried not to notice when Barnes wasn’t around.

It’s not like Tony showed up to every single one of them, either.

To keep people from fighting about food, team dinners were two different protocols; ordering takeout was on a semi-random, preference oriented schedule. Which was to say, everyone entered in their personal favorites and Friday would select what people were getting for dinner. Which meant pizza was regular, as well as Chinese take away. Burgers.

The other protocol was the cooking roster, because some of the team liked to cook, and others on the team liked to sit down to a home cooked meal. Bruce, for instance, made the words best baby back ribs and absolutely would not tell anyone his secret, even swearing the AIs to secrecy and Friday diligently kept her word (traitor) and refused to allow Tony to access the kitchen camera. Not that Tony could cook, most of the time, but it was the principle of the thing.

But eventually, Tony noticed a pattern, because it was Tony.

The first night they’d done cheeseburgers, Barnes had eaten his portion with a knife and fork. Okay, weird, but a lot of Europeans did that, too, and Barnes had spent a lot of time in Europe. Tony, who drank a lot of his meals (sometimes they were smoothies and sometimes they were booze, and who asked you anyway?) didn’t comment, but Clint did.

And Barnes stopped showing up on burger nights.

He’d never showed up for pizza.

Barnes showed up for chicken one night, but he’d backed up and left in somewhat of a hurry when he saw the containers and realized it was fried chicken, not baked. Clint had waved a drumstick at him, trying to tempt him, but Barnes didn’t even look back.

Tony couldn’t help but notice a pattern after a while.

Barnes never showed up -- or left quickly if he did show up -- when the meal was something eaten by hand. Spaghetti nights, he was as deft with a fork and spoon to twirl pasta against as anyone. He ate epic amounts of steak and potatoes. Raw oysters disappeared like crazy, and sushi was a big hit, but peel-and-eat shrimp or crab legs were right out.

The guy wouldn’t eat popcorn on movie nights, either.

Well, Tony knew all about weird hangups that manifested in odd behavior, and he wasn’t going to call the guy out. Maybe it was some sort of shame-thing about the metal arm, even tho Shuri’s design was top notch, really quite elegant. Or something weird about the way it clicked when he moved it, but… well, it wasn’t Tony’s business, was it?

It wasn’t until one particularly bad bout of engineering fuge where Tony hadn’t slept in days, but had to stagger out of the workshop because he was out of coffee downstairs, and staring at the fabricator wasn’t going to make it run any faster that he actually saw Barnes.

Alone.

[more below the cut]

Sitting in front of the television, watching some late night, black and white, movie marathon and eating out of a bowl.

At first, Tony thought he had some of the left-over noodles -- there were always Chinese noodles of some sort or other in the fridge -- because the bowl was small, he was holding it under his chin, and he was wielding a pair of chopsticks with his left hand. The ridiculous mock up lightsaber kind that Tony had bought from Think Geek, because it was cool, and also because he was a little jealous that he hadn’t thought of it first.

Barnes didn’t take his eyes off the television, dipped the chopsticks into his bowl, and something crunched.

Not like a bamboo shoot, or a water chestnut, either, but…

“Are you eating Cheetos with chopsticks?” Tony couldn’t help but burst out. “Barnes, what the fuck?”

Barnes scrambled to put the bowl down; the chopsticks disappeared like a magician’s trick. “What? I was jus’ watching a movie, can’t always sleep--”

“No, no, that’s fine,” Tony said, waving that away. He knew quite a lot about not being able to sleep. “Can I just ask why?”

“Why what? Why can’t I sleep?” Barnes’s wide-eyed innocent look was both very good and damned endearing, but he wasn’t fooling Tony.

“Why do you eat like that, it’s so--”

“Weird. Creepy. Fucked up. I know.” Barnes heaved a sigh and by the time he was done, he looked somehow smaller and more fragile than Tony had ever seen him. This man, the one in front of him, blushing uncomfortably and fidgeting, that was a man that Tony could call Bucky. Not the cold-blooded killer, or the reluctant Avenger. He rubbed thoughtfully at the palm of his metal hand with the thumb from his right.

“Hey, I don’t let people hand me shit,” Tony said. “I am the last person to give you grief about weird coping mechanisms, I’m just wondering why.”

“Did you know that your computer keyboard has twenty thousand times more germs than a toilet seat?”

That seemed like a non-sequitur if Tony ever head one. Also, pointless. Supersoldiers didn’t get sick.

“There might be a reason I use hard light and projected imagery instead of something as quaint as a mouse and keyboard system,” Tony said. Also, projected imagery was a lot cooler than a clunky board.

Barnes spread his metal fingers to their max extension, all the little plates opening up to allow for the movement. Gold and black, it was gorgeous, and Tony wanted to touch it, poke at it, because, well, he generally had a boner for engineering, even if it wasn’t his own.

“Dust gets caught up in here,” Barnes said. “An’ other stuff.”

Blood, Tony read between the lines.

“There’s no cleaning features? That just seems like a failure in--”

“It was a little easier with th’ old one because there wasn’t a lot on th’ way of actual sensitivity. Used to brush it out with compressed air, but that shit is cold, and this hand can detect temperature extremes,” Barnes shuddered. “There’s coating on the circuits, that makes it waterproof, so like, I c’n wash my hands and stuff. But it’s disturbin’ as hell to wash my hands and see… grease an’ crumbs drippin’ out. Put m’ hand in th’ sewer a few weeks back, durin’ that fight with th’ Wrecking Crew. Took me almost forty minutes t’ wash all the muck an’ grime and other people’s shit out of it.”

“Well, that’s a disturbing image, yes, I can imagine,” Tony said.

“I jus’... don’t like to touch my food with it. And I’m left-handed, so eatin’ right handed is awkward.”

“So, you don’t eat things that you can’t use utensils for,” Tony said.

Barnes’ chopsticks appeared again and he hefted a cheeto and crunched it. “Saw this on one of them videos on YouTube, some girl showin’ how to eat without messing up your makeup, or getting chip dust all over your fingers.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Tony said, and his mind was already whirring, because that’s what his brain did. Problems existed in order to be solved. Bucky’s chopsticks would work well for small things; chips and french fries and popcorn, but what about pizza? Cheeseburgers?

For that matter, what about raw sewage? No one should have to put up with that inside their bodies, even if Barnes couldn’t get sick, hadn’t he already gotten the short end of the stick with the unwilling body modifications?

“It works, at least,” Barnes said. He crunched another cheeto with pleasure.

Tony got a second bowl out of the cabinet, and snagged a pair of chopsticks. “Mind if I have some?”

“You pay for the groceries,” Barnes pointed out, but he poured out a serving of cheetos for Tony.

“Thanks.”

“What’s this?”

“Add-on,” Tony said, handing over the little disk. “It’s a-- well, consider it a deflector dish. I didn’t get a test audience on the branding, but since it’s only for people with high tech prosthetics, I don’t expect they’ll care what it’s called. Here, it goes on the back of the hand, here--” Tony picked up Barnes’ metal hand without really thinking about it, and the man froze. Tony was standing much closer than he usually did, and when Barnes glanced up at him, they were practically close enough to kiss.

“Right? Then what?” Barnes asked, not pulling back, and his blue eyes went deep and liquid.

“Well, I was studying the princess’s specs, and your arm still has an unreasonable amount of circuit heat, thus the plate mechanism, in addition to flexibility and strength, provides the cooling. So, we can’t quite do without it, yet, but she and I are doing a little collaboration, maybe make Steve Austin Mark III a little less clunky…” Tony said. “But for now… here, come here, and put your hand in this.”

There were not words for the look Barnes gave him, as Tony led him over to a bucket of slime.

“Go on, test it out.”

“I’m gonna make you clean all this shit out,” Barnes threatened.

Tony gave him a smile. “Deal. Put your hand in there, Buckybear.”

Barnes grumbled, but pushed his fingertips into the slime, which hastily shifted and pushed away.

“What th’ fuck?” Barnes -- no, Bucky’s -- eyes lit up, and the smile on his face was beyond joy. Wonder, amazement.

“It’s not very strong, but it extends about an eighth of a millimeter past the plates. Consider it a sort of electrostatic… skin. Works just like our skin,” Tony said. “Keeps all the dirt out, and…”

Bucky swirled his fingers in the slime. “I… can feel that. I can feel it. Not just pressure, not… I can feel that, Tony.”

“Yep, sunshine, that was the plan,” Tony said. He nodded to a cloth on the side of the bucket. “You’ll still have to wash it off, but--”

Bucky wiped his hand free, and then, before Tony was quite aware of what Bucky planned, those metal fingers were stroking down the side of Tony’s skin.

He told himself the tingles that it raised was nothing more than an effect of the electrostatic shield. He was lying, because he’d already tested it, several times, and he knew that there was no way any normal human would detect anything different about Bucky’s arm. That it would just feel like metal, smooth and supple.

“Tony, I can…” Bucky’s eyes filled and a tear spilled down one cheek.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Bucky pulled his fingers back, rubbed them against his shirt, then held them out again, marveling. “Why-- thank you, but why?”

“Well, mostly, because out of all of us, you deserve to be able to eat a cheeseburger in peace.”

“Thank you,” Bucky said again, and he cupped the side of Tony’s face, as if still enchanted by the way Tony’s cheek felt under his palm.

“You’re welcome,” Tony said.

“Uh, can… will you join me, for a cheeseburger?” Bucky asked. And Tony might not have thought anything of it, except at the very end of the word, Bucky winked.

“Are… you asking me on a date?”

“If I said yes, will you say yes?”

“It’s a date, then,” Tony said.

#tonystarkbingo2018 #tonystarkbingo #winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes #Bucky's metal arm #fluff

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lordhenry · 6 years

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survey 35

Are there any lyrics to describe your current relationship? "It’s never over until life ends. Lay down beside me, do it again.” First thing that popped into my head for some reason. This was how I was feeling when we had a fight recently.

Who in your life makes you the most uncomfortable? Myself.

Last food you ate? Pepperoni pizza.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My boyfriend.

If you could be anywhere you want where would it be? Back with Zeia.

Last movie you saw? The Nun.

How old do you want to be when you have kids? Z and I have talked about this and agreed it would be best at around late 20s to early 30s.

Tonight the last person you kissed calls you and tells you he wants you what do you say? I’ll have no choice but to ask him to wait a little more until we can be with each other again.

Do you have any plans for the weekend? Meet some friends and drink.

Be honest; name of the last person to text you? Zeia.

What was the last reason behind why you went to the hospital? When I had red inflammation on my face/allergic reactions.

Do you talk to your pets? Definitely. Sometimes Lestat answers back, other times he just looks at me like wtf?

Would you date someone that had a different religion from you? Zeia has a different religion and it’s fine.

When was the last time you had a headache? The last time Z and I were arguing, I just had to sleep it off because my head was about to burst.

Does anyone call you babe? Z.

Would you rather date someone with a British accent or an Irish accent? Don’t care.

What are you most anxious/excited for? To start my MBA.

Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? I don’t think so.

Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes.

Last person who told you things were going to be okay? Z.

Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating on you? Yeah.

Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? When. Starting before is a waste.

What did you do today? Absolutely nothing important. Drank coffee. Talked to Z. Played some games. I can’t wait to just leave soon.

Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? Yeah, I do that while soaking my hair in with conditioner.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? No and never.

Would you take the 3 minute beatdown to be in a gang? I wouldn’t be interested.

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? Depends on the sender.

Do you like movie nights? Two months ago, every night was movie night with Z. It was great.

Does the thought of having children scare you? Yes.

Are you nice to everyone? Yes, until I am given a reason not to be.

Would you rather date someone older than you or younger? Older.

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? I don’t really know, but I could be, who knows.

Do you have trust issues? I really do.

What is on your wrists right now? Two hair ties.

Could you spend the rest of your life with someone who had bad taste in music? I find Z’s taste in music “bad” for the sole reason that I don’t listen to the same stuff. I don’t mind.

Do you love where you live? No.

Last person you were on the phone with for more than 20 minutes? Z.

Would you go out in public looking like you do now? If I changed my clothes, yes.

So, what do you want for your birthday? To still be with the same person, and for all my other birthdays to come, that’s all.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? Yes.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other? Of course. I’ve got lots of guy friends I have never considered dating.

If you HAD to kiss someone right now, who would it be? Zeia, of course.

If you could make your lips bigger, would you? A little bit, maybe.

Have your friends ever randomly stopped by your house? Yeah and I actually hate that tbh.

What does your wallet look like? It’s a black Prada leather wallet with a gold zipper.

What’s the name of your current, if not current, most recent ex? I don’t think I have an ex. The guy I “went out” with briefly for just about 3 months, we barely did anything, we never even went on a date. I consider Z to be my first real boyfriend and we’re still together, so.

If you got pregnant right now, would you keep the baby? Fuck lol this question. I don’t know.

Rate your self confidence: 1 being insecure and 10 being cocky: 6?

If someone gave you a houseplant, would you keep it? I would, definitely.

Would you ever wish to explore a cave? I have. I went to the Ghost cave in Nottingham, it was creepy.

Have you kissed more than three guys this year? Only one.

Can you use chopsticks? Yes.

What would you do if you had a baby with the last person you kissed? I don’t know. We’re not ready for that lmao...

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yes.

Is love really worth fighting for? Yes.

#survey

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dustenough · 6 years

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what was your last

1. drink - water

2. phone call - my mother

3. text message - “ok just phone me whenever x”

4. song you listened to - why won’t you love me by 5 seconds of summer

have you ever

6. dated someone twice - no i haven’t even dated anyone once

7. kissed someone and regretted it - no

8. been cheated on - if when your best friend calls someone else their best friend is cheating then yes

9. lost someone special - yes

10. been depressed - i’ve been clinically depressed for five years and counting

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - almost

fave colours

12. fave colour - yellow

13. fave colour - burgundy

14. fave colour - baby blue (and any other light/pastel colour)

in the last year have you

15. made new friends - yes, i met @soundshoodfeelshood last year and it was the best recent friendship that i’ve made i appreciate and love her a lot and it feels like i’ve known her forever

16. fallen out of love - no

17. laughed until you cried - yes, the most recent was when i was watching bottom with my parents

18. found out someone was talking about you - yes

19. met someone who changed you - i don’t think so

20. found out who your friends are - yes, i’m still finding out

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all of them

23. do you have any pets - i have a cat named harry he’s 16 now, i used to have another cat named hermione who passed away last year at 15. i also used to have a hamster named pumpkin, three chickens named jessie, lilo and buttercup and fishes. my family also fostered a dog for few days who we named lola

24. do you want to change your name - no, i really like my surname too and don’t want to change it so if i ever get married i’ll probably still keep it baha.

25. what did you do for your last birthday - i spent the day at home with my family and my friends in the evening

26. what time did you wake up today - 8:30am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - watching loey lane’s most recent ghost adventure on youtube

28. what is something you can't wait for - a miracle, no mental health issues, to know what i’m doing with my life and what career i want, for my parents to sell our house and finally move into their dream house on the coast and for me to be accepting of myself

30. what are you listening to right now - explore by sundara karma

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - i don’t think so but i’ve spoken to people i never knew the name of so maybe i have talked to someone named tom

32. something that's getting on your nerves - eveything tbh i get irritated really easily i don’t want to write a list otherwise i won’t stop

33. most visited website - twitter or instagram??

34. hair colour - brown

35. long or short hair - my hair is in the middle; its quite long but not really long and sometimes my hair is super curly so that makes it significantly shorter

36. do you have a crush on someone - no but i’ve been thinking about this one boy for almost four days straight now lol help me

37. what do you like about yourself - literally nothing

38. want any piercings - i’ve wanted a nose ring for a really long time, i also want an orbital ear ring and a rook ear piercing with a heart shaped ring

39. blood type - i have no idea

40. nicknames - lillian and lily-pad. my english teacher used to call me lilith which means the mother of all evil which is lovely

41. relationship status - um i never went to oovoo javer

42. zodiac sign - my birthday is on 20th january which is the end of capricorn but the start of aquarius, every website and book says something different so i don’t know

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv show - i don’t really watch tv shows but i have a list of ones i want to start watching. i grew up watching miranda so i’ll always love that. i also really like stranger things and i’ve watched a lot of episodes of friends and only fools and horses with my family which i enjoy

45. tattoos - i have an idea of a tattoo that i want, i like really small and delicate ones that are meaningful

46. right or left handed - i’m right handed

47. ever had surgery - no but my wisdom teeth are almost fully grown and i’m scared to get them removed

48. piercings - i think some of them are nice but i can’t stand some of them, i don’t like gauges and for some reason studs in the flat ares of the helix in the actual ear make me cringe

49. sport - i used to do a lot of sports including: dance, gymnastics, netball, basketball, and swimming but stopped during secondary school; i also used to go running with my father and sister and do annual charity runs. i want to get back into dance again since i really enjoyed it and loved performing at the theatre and start running again.

50. vacation - i’ve only ever been abroad to paris when i’ve been to disney land with my family since we go to cornwall every year and have been for as long as i can remember. (this is the first year we’re not going because we can’t afford it lol)

51. ?

more general

52. eating - i just ate some grapes

53. drinking - tea

54. about to watch - probably a random youtube video

55. waiting for - a miracle of some sort

56. want - myself and my family to be happy, content and healthy

56. get married - i need to find a significant other first which is already a huge and almost impossible task alone

58. career - anytime someone asks me this i’m on the verge of tears i’m literally begging for someone to choose out of a hat for me at this point

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs are nice. ( never been kissed is a 1999 romantic comedy film and stars drew barrymore a-)

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older

63. nice arms or stomach - arms

64. hookup or relationships - relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - no

67. drank hard liquor - yes

68. turned someone down - yes

69. sex on first date - no wtf

70. broken someone's heart - i don’t think so

71. had your heart broken - no

72. been arrested - no

73. cried when someone died - yes

74. fallen for a friend/ as in crush?- yes

do you believe in

75. yourself - not at all but i wish i did

76. miracles - i dont know?? if it counts i think that everything happens for a reason

77. love at first sight - maybe?? like true love?? i think that exists because of my parents

78. santa claus - i believed him for too long

79. angels - no one is an angel

misc

80. eye colour - dark blue on the outside then light blue then green then like an olive?? i just say blue

81. best friends name - chloe (and my school friends of course)

82. favourite movie - i like a lot of films i don’t think i have a favourite, at least i can’t pick one just now so i’ll just say any disney film

83. favourite actor - i don’t know, any films which tom hanks and robin willims act or voice over are always great, they’re great

84. favourite cartoon - the cartoons that i watched when i was younger from the 80′s/90′s cartoons like bear in the big blue house (the songs are still on my family ipod) to the ones on disney cinemagic before i left for school (i used to watch emperors new groove everyday before and after school.) my little sister watches we bare bears and the amazing world of gumball which is great

85. favourite teacher - my old textiles teacher was really kind and supportive of my and my work which had a huge impact on my quality of work e.c.t. also my photography/art teacher, shes so lovely and wonderful, i’ve cried, threw up, had a mental breakdown and complained in front of her on occasions and she she helped me every step of the way, i always went to her for advice and such so i appreciate her a lot

i was tagged by @everyteardrop and i tag @soundshoodfeelshood @amazingseren @00my-secret-world00 @palettegguk

(i don’t have a lot of mutuals on here so if you want to do this then just do it and pretend i tagged you lmao)

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