#i can be nice every other day but TODAY ??

[ceasarslegion]

No i dont think its a good thing to make hating children your entire personality but can i please just say that i dont like them and dont want to deal with screaming temper tantrums and meltdowns from other peoples kids (especially, ESPECIALLY when the parents are absolutely useless in dealing with them) without 30,000 people crawling out of the woodwork to assume that i think all kids should die

#i dont like them. in fact i kind of do hate them #but i am also a mature adult who can control my actions and do not show it outwardly #i am actually very good with kids #but i dont want anything to do with them and my dislike of them doesnt mean im a child abuser #thinking of this after working the family and disability line at work today #and the amount of meltdowns i had to soothe myself because their parents just stared blankly at them #and how this happens all day every day in that line #its because you put their teddy bear into a bin and it disappeared. thats why theyre screaming. they dont know where its going #why is it my job to go 'dont worry! lions just getting his picture taken like you do at school :)) you might be able to see it if #you ask the officer very nicely at the other end of the line :))' #its 4 in the morning. dont make me do two jobs at once #vent post

[goldensunset]

i don't really know how to word this but like i feel like i'm gonna forever have to deal with the pain and heartache of one of my very first pokémon games- the first 'normal' pokémon game i've ever played, that i will have lasting nostalgia and love for as a result of it being formative to my introduction into the series- being the one that will forever be looked down upon for bad graphics and technical issues as a result of the game having been rushed

like i honest to goodness want to scream and yell and cry into the void about how this means everything to me and will always be one of my fave games just in general. but how am i gonna do that without someone being like 'the broken overpriced mess? the one that's missing all this stuff from the older games that was great? the thing with all the cringe? that one?' or whatever. and the thing is they aren't wrong for their criticisms either like i know the fact that they rushed this wonderful game hardcore is a massive stain on its reputation and it hurts me too but like i cannot turn off the brain full of love in me and be a mean critic. or even an impartial one. i mean i criticize everything i love don't get me wrong i am constantly running my mouth about what i like and don't like. but at the end of the day i approach all media with an unusually optimistic mindset. if you see me talk a ton about something no matter what i'm saying you can bet it means i love it.

just. aaagh. it's always tough being a new fan of an old series. i'm like too embarrassed to express my opinions bc i feel like they're invalid y'know? i feel so exhausted every time i see something to the effect of like 'oh those poor kids these days having to deal with such bad quality everything what a bad time to be a fan of pokémon wow y'all make me feel so old' well see the thing is i actually am thriving and i love it here. and i'm also an adult myself so i have more critical thinking skills than people who played red when they were like five years old did. and even with the power of critical thinking i manage to be in love with this. join me in marvelling at the beauty of life

#sorry for the massive rant i am full of both love and rage but i feel alone in this world about this particular subject #my other fav complaint is like 'they make it too easy to xyz these days' #to me that reads like 'i suffered so why shouldn't they' #yes we should encourage people to spend 100 hours grinding to do basic story requirements. #to weed out the true gamers from the weaklings. or maybe we could use the spare time in our lives to touch grass #the only easy-fication change in sv i don't like is the ability to access boxes right from the menu #that kinda cheapens the need to strategically organize a team before heading somewhere #i can.. sorta understand being miffed about the remember moves mechanic? #frankly platinum was so stressful with not being able to freely switch without great hassle/cost #it would have been a fair enough compromise to make you pay a bit of lp or something #or do it for free but having to go to like a pokécenter or something #i'll never agree that exp share is bad though sorry #pokémon #ok but about the 'i feel bad for kids these days with these ugly designs/lame 3D models' thing #yeah i have news for you every gen has its ugly/stupid pokémon. #dude look at exeggcute #and some of the oldest spritework is hideous #granted the ds era spritework was beautiful #but i don't see what is so bad about the 3D models of today? they're both nice... #dude play an indie game or something if it's that important to you idk #it will never be the 90s again. it will never be the 00s again. i'm sorry.

[derpinette]

when i exchange a message whether i receive or send one i have to immediately shut off my device & walk some laps for a few minutes to shake off the adrenaline rush

#i try to forget that ever happened so i can relax because otherwise i get heart palpitations & headrush my uterus drops ETC #so i have to stay off of whatever site i just used for like an hour but now i have messages sent+received on every app #i can only escape to yourube & it sucks #also even anonymously i exit out of the thread/tab & ignore that tab for as long as it takes me to forget #& then i check back on the replies hours later or days even despite not ever posting bait i just get nervous #( but not always... خلّي أيامك أحلى ) #currently hamster walking everywhere in my house & it took me a day to reply back ( was too busy agonizing ) #could have been a month like last time. or year like the other two times before. IDK why i even bothered #WHEW #that one screencap i already posted before with the courage the cowardly dog picrel Shockingly not posted by me #but i might as well have i do the exact same thing & when people are nice to me i ride that high for a week if not more #the high i got from crushing it at scribbl with randoms in 2020 i rode for like two years & then the *** livestream in 2022 #i am still riding today & ALWAYS WILL best days of my internet life for Serious look forwards to it annually cured me completely #from suicidal ideation. THANK YOU WOMEN. ^_^

[hella1975]

there's a very specific kind of vibe that comes with living with your friends in final year that it just does not have in first year or even second year. like as a fresher it's usually the first time any of you have lived away from home let alone with SO MANY people your age and it's terrifying and exciting and randomised to boot so it's generally carnage for a whole year in the best and worst ways, and then second year you pick who you're living with and it feels like for the first time you're doing this adult thing PROPERLY. you have a place of your own now. these are the people you've chosen to live with. studying gets serious etc. but it's still fresh. it's still new. you still don't know how to navigate it. but final year? final year is when you actually get it right. you know how to manage your time better. you know what works for you and what doesn't. studying is the main focus and you've been out in the world for three years now and it's not loud and boisterous like it was in first year and you're not exciteable and awkward like you were in second year. you're comfortable. every single one of my flatmates has their own friend group and we mainly keep to our own social circles, but we'll still meet each other back at the house after a night out and sit in the kitchen or my room to do the debrief. sometimes i'll go days not seeing either of them despite sharing a house but every now and then someone will softly call up the stairs that 'the heating's on!' or one of us will sneeze and the other two will yell 'bless you!' through the walls. the lack of interaction isn't interpreted as dislike in ways it would have been even last year, because we're all just old enough to be past that now and settled enough in our friendship not to worry about it. idk. uni is very loud and unsettling a lot of the time so it's been really sweet to see how almost boringly comfortable final year is.

#like my day today was literally drag myself out of bed at 10am to meet my econ friends bc we're in a group together #and i spent two hours with them writing a fucking TRADE REPORT before coming home #and the rest of the day was kinda lost. i showered. i put a wash on. i had a nap. i mainly stayed in my room #which sometimes is the End Of All Things but today was quite nice #and i can hear in their rooms how my flatmates are doing the exact same thing. pottering about and getting on with uni #and we've barely spoken all day but earlier my one flatmate ran into my room all excited to show me her nails #bc she's been teaching herself to do gels and it took her 2 hours but im still one of the first people she wanted to show #and just now we all went to use the bathroom at the same time and it led to one of our Stair Sessions #where we all inexplicably just gather on the stairs and chat for no reason with a cup of tea #idk it's just nice. it's such basic shit but i can't belive in first year i used to spend EVERY DAY with these girls #and we were one single friendship group and that was all we had #and then in second year one girl branched off bc she lived in a studio and got into her societies #but me and the other girl lived together again and it was the same thing of she was a friend before she was someone i lived with #and weirdly that can actually be detrimental to a dynamic. but this year we're all just very solidified and confident in ourselves #and where we stand and yes we all have our own friendship groups outside of the house now #but there's still that love and simple comfortableness around each other that you only get with time and a hell of a lot of proximity #and a sense of being settled that maybe is just what happens as you get older #idk it's just really nice. if i had this exact same day in first year (doing economics and barely leaving my room) #it would've been a really bad depressive day for me so the fact i can find such contentment from it now is really heartening #i love my little life here im very proud of what ive been able to achieve :) #hella goes to uni #feeling nostalgic because SOME BITCH decided to ribs post

[runefactorynonsense]

Cozytober - Day 25 - Sunflowers

#Cozytober #Margot's RF Art #Rune Factory Frontier #RF Frontier #RFF #The internet isn't down today so I can submit at a normal time yay!! #I legit had a relaxing time painting this. I was starting to feel burned out yesterday- happens when you draw every day. #when some don't turn out like you liked. Happens with all art. Especially when you were ill while drawing some. #and you have to return to work after not being able to BREATHE. Physical burnout too. #But. Today. #Today I felt so relaxed and nice. Had nice social moments from across my life that helped kick burnout/self worth in the face #Especially when 3 different friends reach out- randomly- within a half hour of one another. As if they knew you needed it #Feels very nice to be reminded you're loved (and you out there- you are.) #And what else I love- Anette. A woman who loves early mornings and fruit after my own heart #If I'd played Frontier before discovering 1 Anette might be the other otp half. As it stands I just adore HER & love drawing her every year #Rune Factory Anette #RF Anette #While I had run out of prep sketches I can snag 2 or so from unfinished sketches from earlier this year for this week #Let's see if it helps--

[todayisafridaynight]

sorry mom saw a red car and thought of mine again

#snap chats #idc if i make this post every other month HIS CAR SHOULD BE RED !!!!!! #then i can have TWO fave characters with red cars...... #he'd look so cool and nice with a red car.... #anyways who the fuck is setting off fireworks rn ???????? is today a specia day or somethin ??? #they're real close to my building and they're real pretty so im not complainin just curious

[korixae]

my sister’s trying to finish doctor who before november 25th right and she’s fucking power watching, like she was literally on s10 LAST WEEK and tonight she’s just started s13. she’s been getting up at 6:30 everyday to watch it before school and then stealing the tv from the moment she gets home to the moment she goes to sleep. i haven’t seen her or the sofa in months

#i am enthusiastically encouraging her ofc #she expressed to me today how she doesn’t know what she’s going to do once she’s finished. she doesn’t know how to return to a normal life #where every waking moment isn’t consumed with doctor who #i’ll have to introduce her to the spin-offs and eu content #is 10 too young to watch torchwood? i’ll set her off on sja #actaully she turns 11 the day after the last special airs #she asked my mum if we had plans on the 9th and my mum was like NO you can’t have friends to sleep for ur birthday and we were just no no m #ther ofc that’s not what she’s asking we need that night free for the 60th you fiend #it’s been really convenient for me too bcs i’ve got a nice little recap #sooo lucky for her tho thats she’s timed it just right so she can finish it the day new content comes out #we watched the timeless children tonight and she was all ‘>:( the masters so evil’ while i was kicking my feet and going aww arent they so #cute so in love hehehe la la la #she’s deeply invested in thasmin #i cant wait for her to watch s13 cus damn she’s gonna love the thasmin-ness of it all #really just typed this all out on tumblr bcs i have no dw friends irl :( apart from her #i’ve really got her with dw she’s forcing her friends to watch it and for world book day they’re going as rose and the doctor #they’ve started a role play where they write letters as rose and ten to each other across universes #she made tea stained paper and everything #anyways stopping myself here goodnight 🫡 #doctor who #kori shitposts #loubatania

[sucrose-soymilk]

hadn’t really regressed in a While and i didn’t realize how much i missed/dareisay needed it until i had the free time and ability to do so over the last few days and i have to say. i’m feeling a bit better

#imagine that! the coping mechanism… helps!!! wow #Seven’s Small Thoughts #not tagging this as anything else bc this blog is really just a not-so-secret public diary #and im not really trying to gain any sort of following or participate in the community very much #i just wanna talk to the void abt regression every once in a blue moon y’know #i also feel like i don’t really belong in the community much/am not a Good Example of sfw agere since i’m very n/ s/ f/ w everywhere else #which is a double standard that i don’t hold others to but i feel like others will hold it against me??? and i’m just shy anyways #and not looking to interact. just wanna keep all this stuff tucked away in a side-blog #i also feel like a lot of the community likes to blog while actively regressed and i don’t wanna step in there as someone who isn’t #nothing wrong with it! at all! i just don’t have the capacity to since i go nonverbal when i regress. no thoughts head blissfully empty #anyways this wasn’t supposed to be a vent post let’s change the topic! #anywhooo what else did i come on here to say. oh yeah #i lowkey forgot how much regressing has helped me in the past until i was able to really indulge myself in it again recently #it’s so nice to just be small and hand someone else the reins and forget abt everything other than doing something you enjoy #maybe one day i’ll be at a point in my life where i can fully regress more freely and more often but for now i’ll take what i can get #i’m also excited because i’ve been thinking abt ordering a paci from this one specific seller #and yesterday saw that they’re dropping a new batch of fall/halloween themed ones today!!! #so now i’ve gotta make myself stay awake until 6pm so i can jump on it when they’re available #which is a small struggle considering my nocturnal sleep schedule but i will do it nonetheless #that crescent moon patterned one Will Be Mine #trying to decide between buttercup yellow and schoolbus yellow for the clip #i think i’m more drawn to the vibrancy of the schoolbus yellow honestly #eeeeeee i’m excited i’ve been wanting to treat myself to ordering from this shop for a g e s and im finally gonna do it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Just out of curiosity, anyone else get like elevated mood, insane evergy, or like unhinged focus while on their period?

#i dont know what to call it to try to search what that would even be #it doesnt happen all the time and i dont think its like mania bc most of the time it doesnt really feel good #it feels like i want to run around in circles screaming and kicking things #most of the time i get fucked up and anxious but every so often my body is like. here as a treat u get enhanced focus #and then i feel my my brain is gonna vibrate outta my skull. but this time its actually nice bc i just feel kinda happy? #but like with an edge of. something feels wrong and i have too much energy but also i wanna lay down #ay. today was supposed to be my day off. then i got roped into helping with sampling #maybe if my mood stays stable i can try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist Tomorrow morning #but i am currently impaired by lack of sleep lmao #i should say. the upward moodswing thing isnt usually worrying. i mean it makes ne feel nuts but it doesn't make me do anything terribly #irratic or dangerous. its just weird and im sure if it happens to me it happens to other ppl so im curious #unrelated #tw periods

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful #did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w #possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting #plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there #my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh! #not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO #i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig #need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn #but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :) #like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends. #even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP #idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus #yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted) #a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay! #im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid. #he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party #and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate #and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :) #and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING #good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT

[voidedjuice]

Dressed up to kill

#inktober #inktober 2022 #oc #original character #my art #artists on tumblr #my artwork #drawing #traditional drawing #traditional art #Didnt feel up to painting today :'3 #anyways heres these bastards again. hating each other very gayly this time #anyways i love designing cool new outfits for them #literally can not help myself every day i start drawing and its them dressed up all nicely

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: January 18

"Settle Down" by The 1975

#song of the day #maybe one of the days I've had the hardest time choosing a song #it might have been 'Royals' by Neon Jungle (Lorde cover) which I talked to Lily about earlier #(the other day when we spent all that time traveling that was almost 'Eight Legged Blues' by Vixy and Tony #I played it for my family in the car on hour three of our drive and it was a big big hit #but it did get very cleanly overtaken by the Diva's Lament after I spent so much time with it on the train) #the original Lorde version of Royals played on Lily's playlist on the first hour of that drive and I mentioned I had a good cover #real good harmonies and neat acoustics in the big room they recorded in #and then today I finally remembered to send the link to Lily so that might have been today's song #or today's song also could have been 'Ringleader' by The Madison Letter which I tried but failed to sing in the shower #(I definitely don't know all the words yet. I did get a good echo off my 'ring-ring-ring-ringleader / ringleader' though which was nice) #and it also could have been 'Salt and the Sea' by the Lumineers which was in my single-song-by-artist playlist accidentally #no artist listed on the track somehow. very strange especially since it is so clearly a Lumineers song. they got the sound you know #anyway Salt and the Sea has some killer lines. 'from the destruction / out of the flame / you need a villain? give me a name #I'll be your friend / in the daylight again / there we will be / like an old enemy / like the salt and the sea' #but instead today is 'Settle Down' which is unbelievably fun to sing just for the way some of the words are pronounced and delivered #hits my brain just right every time #I had to do surgery on some of my poor plants (I can never leave them for so long again) and it was awful but the playlist provides #truly a wealth of song options today

[irisbaggins]

Trying to trouble-shoot a customer over a phone is always an exercise in "stick to Norwegian you gremlin" for me. I so badly want to use English lingo for things, but my poor customers barely understand what I'm saying in Norwegian, let alone English! The amount of times I end up apologising because my explanations are shit are numerous, and most of the time my customers are really nice about it.

Although, I do loathe having to trouble-shoot networking over the phone. It's a pain in the ass, and it's difficult to find the problem when there are so many moving parts to a network.

At least the customer and I can joke around a little and make the process more pleasant for the both of us. Especially when the problem may have been a wonky cable, and not something much more expensive that must be replaced.

#text_loke #he was really nice to me. we were talking SO LONG and i had to use hand signals to my coworker so he could take the physical customers #because i was on the phone. and for some reasons customers see me standing there with a headset on and assume i am therefore free #no!! i am on the phone!! i cannot talk to you ma'am please stop attempting to converse with me!! #some are nice about it. others get bitchy. like SORRY i have one ear on the phone i CANNOT listen to two people at once!! #anyway. hope it was the cable that was fucked! we would of course fix whatever issue it was if it ISN'T #but it's soooo much easier for him for it to be just the cable he made himself. 'cos fuck homemade cat6 cables #(which i say as someone who has made SEVERAL and hates the process furiously) #also. shoutout to the customer who gave me 10/10 and said we were COOL PEOPLE in all caps :) #made my day that. like thank you!! i do my best to give the best customer service!! #and i only had ONE person call me today to be a glorified website :) usually it's at least three people :) #like we have a click and collect for a reason. i am NOT that. i can trouble shoot and help fix. i am not a website #also. why am i cursed. why am i cursed to be swarmed by people when i'm alone?? #at least at my current workplace i am not harassed for being on my own. people are actually nice #they don't go ballistic on me when it takes me a but to get to them due to the tasks i am made to do #i don't get yelled at every shift. which is lovely :) #anyway. time for sleeps because i must write 3k tomorrow for my exam. rip

[buckleydiazmp4]

it's tag venting time

#i've had this friendship. of like. 5 years #and well #we used to be really really close #and in hindsight i guees it was because we literally saw each other for 8 hours straight every day of the week #and then that stopped happening #i literally haven't seen this person in about a year and a half i think? maybe more? #despite the fact that we basically live walking distance from each other. which. already says a lot #but then there's also a bigger issue. because hey i get it we're both busy ppl it's okay if qe haven't seen each other in a while #(despite the fact that in this case it is because of a lack of trying -i like to believe not on my part- but ignoring that) #we text sporadically when we have something to let off our chest so it's like this back and forth of voice notes every week or so #but lately its has turned into them sending me groups of 5-minute voice notes at a time because their life is so. so dramatic #and like. hey if this were still like a mutual communication i would enjoy it because i am indeed a good listener #and i like to believe i guve good advice. and i used to give this person good advice like. it was a nice friendship back then #but it became so one-sided as in i received info dumps and vents about the same stuff over and over and the few times i talked about myself #i received some half-hearted dismissals like. oh cool or oh that's so sad. anyways. and then we went back to talking about them. #and it was so frustrating but at first i thought well if they're gonna use me as a venting device so will i despite getting no input like #they became a void to me which i was getting gradually accustomed to it was fine. but then today they asked if i could talk on the phone #i said yes because i wanted to prove my theory. the plan was: i answer #let them talk without offering any input whatsoever. see how long they can just talk and talk and then in the end see if my lack of answer- #-elicited any reaction at all. and unsurprisingly it didn't. i waited for them to finish and then i thought #well at least they might ask me how my day was or something just to confirm i was listening like idk but #i personally would find the quiet unsettling and would ask.but they didn't even do that. asked me if i had homework i said yes. that was it #that was IT!!! i felt so frustrating but at least i was entirely correct and it does hurt to lose a friend but this had been coming #for a long long time. the thing is though i cant just cut this person off #i hate confrontation so all i cant do is keep up this sort of a 'quiet quitting' kind of attitude. pretty easy to do with someone like this #so anyway. that's how you realize a friendship is fake and now i am a bit angry and also sad. but i guess i'll deal with it and move on #if you read all this hi and sorry for the venting. i just had to get it off my chest #vent post

[homingpigecns]

.

until last year i stayed friends with a grand total of One (1) friend i knew in high school and now. i have finally stopped talking to that friend. it is sooooo so nice to romanticize longevity and history and wow they have always been there but there's a point where it's like.

it is so embarrassing so i haven't talked about it because it's really like, fully pathetic, but i saw them the first time recently bc i hadn't seen any rl friends bc i had a years long slump where i just kind of took up space at home and i was embarrassed about it but i got my life together again last summer and i was like okay, i can respond to the question "how are you doing?" without breaking down into tears, and my friend did express interest in seeing me again and i really wanted to see them. so i saw them a while ago and i had fun and i was so happy and i was so grateful to still have this connection after all these years, after all the ways i've been and my colorful history, and i just. their birthday was about a month later and really extremely uncharacteristically of me i remembered, and i ordered them a weird little personal birthday tchotchke off etsy and got them a michaels gift card and hit them up like. happy birthday we should hang out soon on the day of and it was all very nice. i didn't expect something soon nor did i care too much. but a couple months ago when twitter was gonna implode i followed them on insta (even though i deleted my personal insta because i know personal instas only teach me things about people i don't want to know) and as a consequence of that i learned that my friend was not able to see me because i was not invited to their birthday thing. which was with a friend of theirs i kind of know and an old close friend from high school i lost touch with but asked about and sjdfhsdf. literally expressed interest in the time i just saw them.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THAT IS........JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT IT..........LIKE I AM A KICKED PUPPY. I AM 24.....I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE............I AM A UNION MEMBER........AND I GOT REALLY EXCITED ABOUT MY FRIENDS BIRTHDAY AND I WASN'T INVITED TO THE PARTY...........

and you know there are probably actual reasons. i burned bridges with people in high school that they liked more than me, and i am too mature to care about who likes more than whoever now, and it is too insane to hold things from high school against them now that i am 24 and have regular cardiologist appointments. but it is also like. how many times do i have to die. i have grown past so many things the last three years that i thought i could never overcome and i can't, i don't want to, grow into someone who is mature enough to hold someone who's been important to me since i was 14 at arms length so it doesn't hurt when they inevitably drop me. currently, i commute an hour in the wrong direction so i can be on the same train as a work friend and i am aware the energy is insane but it is my energy and giving it and getting good things from it is like. this is better for my personal development than whichever way the other direction goes.

and it's like i don't even blame my friend from high school for how they feel about me because i was insane in a bad way in high school and i've done enough it's like. whatever. but it's like, also, when it's like, yeah this was half of the two people who permanently messed you up to the point people still are like "hey i didn't see you there. come over and say hi next time" when i avoid them because they're talking to someone else, who watched your friend group make a group chat and hang out together with everyone except you and didn't say anything and you were grateful they still threw you the bone to hang out one on one and it's like. i'm not. i don't really hold it against them, it was years ago, i don't think about those people anymore and yes i am still weird in many ways but for other reasons as well, but there is like. a very huge lack of pattern recognition and failure to learn and it is absolutely. my fault. when you put it like oh the person who killed me a thousand times throughout high school and college still has the power to kill me now and sometimes will? VERY OBVIOUSLY I AM THE PROBLEM.......i can't play high school anymore i have to play Being At Work and Surviving Capitalism Despite Everything, Did You Know I Am 24

anyway i decided to just quietly softblock my friend on everything, unfriend on discord, remove myself from the situation when there wasn't really an inciting event so i could just kind of fade out. but i did just find out that my friend did notice, and blocked me on twitter without saying a word -- which you know, is fine and understandable, because i did do all of that first. but what a metaphor you know. that is what the years of friendship are, and that they have stacked up this much to still hurt me is my fault. but hopefully for the last time.

#you know i still have the birthday tchotchke and it is too nice for me to throw out and im gonna feel SO clown at michaels but like. #im really not supposed to cut people off anymore. but. that mindset did truly get me here. at the ripe age of 24. #as a person with HEALTH INSURANCE. #that hurt me man. it is so stupid bc i did it first. but man did that rude as hell You're blocked hurt my feelings today. #i was like. trying to see if i could get our chatlogs back after i deleted them which i always do after i stop talking to someone. #so probably for the better. but also #also discord definitely is what gave me away but i have like FIVE friends on discord i cant see their username all the time......... #it will hurt my feelings. i already hurt my feelings every time i see the birthday tchotchke #and u know not to play the victim bc im very evil and toxic and HOPEFULLY CHANGING all my post high school friendships have been positive #but i am evil and toxic and i do still have those tendencies secretly and its insane that my evil toxicity still let me be pathetic this #long like what were the self sabotaging defense mechanisms for i wasnt even defended #brandon oscillates #personal #vent #its just. i cant be friends with someone anymore and theres seven asterisks. other people can do that probably but like #i cant even pretend i can. i have feelings you know. at work every day i pretend im unshakable i smile at people who yell at me #i cant smile off the clock anymore. if something is important i need to act the way i really am or i will lose that person

[guinevereslancelot]

[steps into direct sunlight and bursts into flames like a vampire]

#the weather rn oscillating wildy between agonizingly hot and bright or rainy and yet everyone complains abt the rain #not me im having a lovely time #i can wear a turtleneck and a jacket in july 😌 #and i can stand to go outside #almost every other day this week ive been inside with the blinds drawn #and when i go out its for the minimum time possible #its soooo hot and humid unless its raining and nice #heat and light and i are not friends but i love rain and cloudy days <3 #anyway i wore a black turtleneck and raincoat and was accused of being a vampire today #just because i am at maximum hotness and power when there's no sunlight doesn't mean anything don't read into it #also that friend can't believe im not in high school bc i look younger than i am #but once again i hate the sun and that keeps me young forever. and the immaturity. also the curse #anyway it's the chronic migraines actually #this has been a shitpost