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chezgender · 8 months

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Cha cha cha / It's crazy it's party comparison

@tmrwds post and @izpira-se-zlato addition gave me brainworms. @kylla-kylla also saw the connection between ICIP and CCC and I saw their post after I started writing this. So I'm definitely not alone in being insane. Thus here is my own rant about It's Crazy it's Party.

Notes:

ICIP lyrics transcript taken from @koppitules on twt, translation taken from a Käärijä discord

CCC lyrics and translation from lyricstranslate.com

Disclaimer: This analysis is purposefully exaggerated/dramatic in order to highlight contrast. I do think Jere loves his job and career, ICIP is definitely a fun song in which you can find (or not) a deeper meaning, it's up to your interpretation. I just love angst lol please don't come at me I'm sensitive 🤡😭

(ps. sorry to all the people I tagged. You don't have to interact with this, I just wanted to give proper credit)

Let's start. Bear with me being cringe.

First verse

At the beginning of CCC, we see how partying is reserved for the weekend - it's something cathartic after a long week of responsibility and worries, it's an outlet for stress and negativity. The world can't scare him no more, as he mentions later in the song, now that he's having fun.

In ICIP, people have pointed out how the first verse reminds them of CCC, musically wise. This is definitely on purpose, the main difference lies in the lyrics. Here Jere reveals that partying now it's an everyday thing. It's an endless circus of traveling despite everything, he's the cog in a machine bigger than him. The world that seemed so tiny compared to the fun, is now scary - the party is now and tomorrow and 365 days a year, in Finland and even abroad. As if there was no safe place. He can't escape it and it's overwhelming to the point "you'll feel it in your hair and your ass" (honestly, weird phrasing, but it gets the point across I guess?). Either way, this party is almost ineluctable.

Chorus

In the CCC chorus he says he wants to forget about the pains of daily life by getting wasted and drinking with both hands on as many drinks as he can hold, until he won't even be able to get up. Honestly, although this doesn't seem like a healthy coping mechanism (but I'm none to judge), it does look willing and deliberate - he makes the choice of getting drunk on the weekend. He's in control of when the party happens.

In ICIP instead the chorus is shorter, and quite tautological: crazy is crazy, party is party, and life is life, you know? (see @tmrwds for a cultural insight on the "elämä on laiffi" phrase). There's a different feeling in this chorus, the singing is soft and maybe even a bit sexy but the lyrics hold a touch of resignation in between. This party is not a deliberate choice anymore, Jere doesn't get to choose when his life is crazy/party and when he gets to rest.

CCC 2nd verse / ICIP Tommy's verse

Without need for lyrics, also because most people have a hard time understanding what Tommy was singing live, I'll talk about this in brief. I chose to include it because Jere himself sang some parts of it during the live - mostly echoing, but still.

In CCC, Jere parties almost alone. Well, it's implied that there's more people to that party but the song is about him, his own liberation from stress and whatever thing was keeping him bound and off the dancefloor. There are no explicit references to other people.

In ICIP instead, Tommy sings about a club in which they enter and people go crazy. They talk about sex in a rather crass way, probably for kicks, but as mentioned in @tmrwds post, it could definitely hint at the wrong kind of attention Jere is receiving. People in his DMs and probably even in person are making more or less explicit advances on him, surely unsolicited, but it's part of the party.

And Tommy invites Jere to party with him (that modulated voice parodically reminds me of the beginning of Barbie Girl by Aqua). Jere says yes, of course he wants to party with him, right here right now (no matter the day, or his condition, does he really have a say in it?)

Another thing I'd like to point out:

Jere in CCC mentions "it's hard to talk when this different side of me does its part" / Tommy in ICIP mentions how the alcohol makes it hard to think (obviously, but I'm clinically insane and I see intertextuality everywhere) - so, basically, the "side of him" Jere talks about in CCC renders him carefree, maybe happy, definitely free of burdens. In ICIP, this "part of him" seems to have taken complete control to the point Jere can't tell himself from it.

Last part of ICIP

"Let's go party" leads to a countdown - inexorable and short, leaving everyone little time to get ready. The song explodes like a bomb, reminds me of a breakdown in a Korn song. The bass hammers hard and everyone is jumping, hearts bursting, everything is out of control. To quote @izpira-se-zlato , there's an apocalyptic feeling to it. Jere can't do anything but let himself be engrossed without a chance to escape. Which he can't, lest he gives everything up.

Where CCC was party metal with a touch of eurodance, ICIP definitely belongs to an insane rave. It reminds me of Dutch hardstyle, dubstep and a touch of eurodance until the end, which screams industrial/nu metal to me, only adding to the concept of hammering and exhausting work/lifestyle.

We could say that It's Crazy it's Party is the Välikuolema to Cha Cha Cha's Viuliunkieli, in a way.

Jere is a storyteller in most of his songs, and it's clear he likes such narratives to carry on between different tracks (i.e: I think the Viulunkieli/Välikuolema narrative carries on to Morgan), so it's only fair to assume the two songs combined tell a whole story.

Further speculation: Jere has often said he's really tired in this precise moment - the relentless touring throughout summer is obviously taking a toll on him, no matter how much he can love what he does. It would be exhausting for anyone. Plus, the "ghost" of ESC follows him everywhere: sometimes I get the feeling many people perceive him as the CCC-guy rather than the complete artist he is, so maybe he's trying to change this.

As many people already said, the story Mikke posted with the grave being dug could hint at the burial of green-bolero-Käärijä. I don't believe Jere is denying the fame and good things it has brought, but he's probably willing to turn the page and carry on with something new (and probably take a long, well deserved break). Or maybe the MV will just be homoerotic softp-rn featuring a grave, WHO KNOWS. I just know I can't wait to see what's next. I love ESC-Käärija (without CCC I wouldn't even be aware of his existence, so I'm forever grateful) and that love will forever be a part of me, but I also welcome this change with open arms in hopes to see him grow more and more.

Conclusion: the speculation is very real and material and I am very very cringe <33

#käärijä #jere pöyhönen #kaarija #cha cha cha #it's crazy it's party #ccc #icip #meta #song analysis #music #eurovision #tommy cash

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reggieservices · 2 years

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Random idea, but how do you think the Bowers gang would react if their best friend, that was really close with all of them, suddenly started distancing themselves?

Yes I can and Yes I darn will >:]

Bowers Gang x GN!Reader

warnings: angst (obviously), drinking, just sadness really :(

Henry Bowers

∆ You guys had been best friends since 3rd grade

∆ You were his ride or die, and he was yours

∆ Thats why he got so confused when you suddenly blocked him out

∆ It started small, with not returning phone calls, and then ignoring him at school, then straight up not talking to him at all, ever

∆ He was so hurt

∆ He tried acting cool around other people, but he was being eaten up inside thinking "what did I do to drive them away?"

∆ at first he was angry, and would think about yelling at you and making you tell him what your deal was, but he was scared that would drive you away more

∆ He drifted away after too, but his heart would twinge everytime he saw you at school talking to someone else, and he still thinks about it late at night when hed reflecting on himself and his actions

Patrick Hockstetter

∆ It really depends how he views you

∆ If he thinks you're a "real person" like him, he'll go fucking insane

∆ Will shut himself away from the world, drink away his feelings, leave drunken messages to you all the time, some sad, some angry, some emotionless.

∆ Wont allow anyone near him again, and would despise you forever for "betraying him"

∆ Can't cope with anything anymore, just rots away and barely registers anyone else around him because "how could he let himself be so stupid to believe you wouldn't hurt him"

∆ Seriously messed him up, borderline catatonia stuff

Vic Criss

∆ Doesnt understand why you did it

∆ From being close friends and talking to each other about everything, to being total strangers and not even looking at each other in the hallways

∆ He'd be lying if he said he didnt cry a few times

∆ He just wants to know what went so wrong he wishes he could just get you to talk to him again

∆ Would try talking to you multiple times again, hoping you were just going through a rough patch he could help you out with

∆ But you were a brick wall

∆ nothing seemed to be working so he just slipped away too, even though it hurt him like hell

Reggie Huggins

∆ tried pretending everything is alright infront of others, but people can tell you not hanging with him has changed him alot

∆ He's less likely to make jokes, doesnt have that sweet glimmer of happiness in his eyes

∆ His heart was crushed

∆ Tried forgetting about it and you, but that just made the feelings well up more and more

∆ tried calling you after you ghosted him, but stopped trying after a week or two, he doesnt want you to get madder at him for being annoying

∆ Overthinking so much, can't bear the stress

∆ Nothing helps, he just wishes you would talk to him again because theres nothing he wouldnt do to laugh and speak with you again

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆

HI I'M BACK AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE sickness is getting better we r sigma today💪💪 enjoy, enjoy its kinda sad ik but i will be trying to finish more requests soon PLEASE i'm sorry for the hold up folks you'll be paid in due time good bye love you all sleep well🙏

~Reggieservices<3

#reggie services #Henry bowers #henry bowers #bowers gang #reggie huggins #patrick hockstetter #victor criss #henry bowers imagines #reggie huggins imagines #bowers gang x reader #henry bowers x reader #reggie huggins x reader #it chapter one #it 2019 #Victor criss x reader #Vic criss x reader

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kerubimcrepin · 2 months

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Episode 39 - The Love Killer

AKA the yandere dogboy episode. Yippie!

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. To bring back the meme:

God won't let me die...

The translation is not finished because I do not give a fuck, but here is where I stopped. I doubt anyone else will give a fuck either, considering it's just a keysmash.

He's never beating those japanese-coded allegations.

Silly aprons are a family tradition.

I wonder if this is where Kerubim lived considering he, like... didn't have a house. Or a family.

Oh my god, the shitty magical merchant guy had a shitty magical merchant mom.

I see claws on a catboy and my brain turns off. Kill me.

You can't be talking like that, Ouginak baby. Btw the can says "fish".

KERUBIM LIKES TO COOK. SEE? I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU. He's an Amaknean boy, like Yugo. And he's cooking crepes!

Though, he's... bad at it.

Presented without commentary.

Do not be making that face while in the same litter box as Keke, oh god.

Ecaflips use litterboxes confirmed.

UNDERAGE DRINKING REAL.

I bet Kerubim is the one who buys bamboo milk for the gang. He can probably pass for a very short ecaflip man, instead of a teenage boy.

People reading my blog talking about it be like: this is scary, downright creepy.

Also, whatever I imagine happened between Kerubim and Atcham is also scary. Even downright creepy.

The Astrubian lake tower, my beloved.

Somehow, despite being a boy, Kerubim has managed to have two evil adolescent girl friendships that end in your friend (who is a tar pit) sending you messages saying that she will "kill you with a knife" the next time she sees you at school. (One with Patafiks, and another with his literal brother.) This too, is feminism.

I like to think that while in the orphanage, he had to break up like this with Atcham too. Like "I know we're brothers, but um. uh. I don't want to be seen with you anymore. I mean—— you get beat up constantly, and people hate you, and then they hate me when you're nearby. Which is a bummer. Also you threaten everyone too much after they beat you up, and it's stressful. And I can't take it anymore... We can still be friends though,, haha."

I like to think Atcham's response was "I AM GOING TO KILL MYSSSELF AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT." or something. I like to imagine he had that ~mentally ill child~ style flair for the dramatic at that age. I like to think they were both awful to one another.

Another thing I like to think to myself, is that Atcham got kicked from the orphanage and ended up in Brakmar, and the reason he got kicked out is stabbing someone. Perhaps Keke, during some argument, — or perhaps someone else, in retaliation to whatever bullying he was going through. And that Kerubim was scared shitless of him by the end.

I just think it's a fun thought.

Basically, if that Ruby girl, Patafiks, and Atcham smoked weed together in a Bad Mentally Ill Bitches Obsessed With Revenge Club, Pangaea would reform.

Since this is already an Atcham headcanon heavy blogpost, I will say, I think using The Love Killer on Atcham would have fixed his every single problem.

Sadly, Kerubim has spent his entire life under the impression that Atcham actually hates him, whereas in actuality, whatever the fuck is happening, is 20 times funnier.

After a single minute of prodding by Joris he switches to therapyspeak and goes "well i need SOMEONE to be mad at. it's like a coping mechanism. if i need to be mad at something, it might as well be kerubim. because he's there. 😥"

It's interesting that with Patafiks and his ecaflip friends it took a second for them to hate him enough to cut all ties.

It's also interesting that this doesn't happen to Simone: Julie and her were on a bad date, but they were on it for a long time. And, Kerubim and Joris were haters for her, but all they could manage is some cleaning complaints.

Basically: Perhaps it can't ruin bonds that are very deep or genuine as fast? An enchantment meant to test the sincerity of a bond, gone awry? Or maybe I'm reading too much into this.

Flash frame!

As I've said in the previous blogposts: I really do think that Kerubim has a crush on Simone. Not in any creepy way — she's just the type of woman he's always liked, — headstrong and stylish, like Lou!

It's very cute. I am a big fan of friendships with one-sided crushes in media, especially when it's not awkward, or pointed out often, (the only exception being Dipper's whole Wendy-shtick in Gravity Falls. I think it was a pretty cool portrayal of the concept, despite being awkward), — because that's a very human thing that we can't really control, y'know?

It makes their friendship much more wholesome to me, personally.

Man. I love this show. And this silly old man. Even though he did fuck up superbly with the whole raising Joris thing.

#ep39 #ro liveblogs dofus #dofus #wakfu #krosmoz

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marshmallowprotection · 11 months

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Trigger warning for self-harm /////

Please, feel free to ignore it if it's an uncomfortable topic for you.

You know, Kait… I'm on my last month before the exams start, I have to finish my qualification in art and hopefully finish high school afterwards.

However, the stress and the fact that everyone in my class is very talented… It scares me that I'm not good enough.

I'm all over the place for multiple reasons. But I did had a horrible breakdown Friday where I tore apart old work of mine and, well, I hurt my arm. I'm sure you're aware what I'm referring to.

I'm just a little unstable. My question is just how SE would react, because I'm scared of upsetting others with what I've done.

Would he feel triggered? Frustrated? I don't want to be a burden. I'm just a little scared what he would do/say.

TW: Self Harm

SE Saeran just might be one of the few people in your life who would understand what you're going through. He gets it in a way not a lot of people would. This is a part of his experience as a person, too. It's not like anybody ever taught him that there was a word for what he was feeling or how he reacted to those feelings. So, without going too into detail about what he did or felt, just know that he would get it and the quiet understanding he has is purposeful.

He certainly reacted to himself in a lot of painful and obtrusive ways in the past. There are reminders of the pain he caused himself and the pain that was given to him as a result.

It's with him no matter where he goes and there's not much he can do about it.

These days, he has no energy to destroy himself or rip himself to pieces because it doesn't feel worth it anymore. It doesn't give him the satisfaction that it would have otherwise. It wouldn't help him to feel anything because he doesn't want to feel anything anymore. It's better to be apathetic and not get involved with things that're filled with emotions that he isn't sure he should feel.

Is that the best coping mechanism for him? Probably not, but he's in the middle of learning how to care for himself and it takes time for a person to figure out what does and doesn't work. What he does know is that being with you makes things a little easier on the worst days... as hard as that is to admit.

He's seen and done plenty of things he's not proud of. Why would he flinch or back away from you when you feel a moment of weakness? Of fear? Of shame? Of guilt? You didn't do that to him. Why would he ever do that to you? He has no room to judge anyone, but he knows you're the type to beat yourself up over even the tiniest chance that you could trigger him. Seeing you distressed...

Well, for Saeran, it's like realizing even the kindest person is capable of feeling fear, insecurity, and ashamed.

He doesn't say anything. At least, not at first. He doesn't know the best way to comfort somebody and most of the time, his fear is the reality that he might make it worse by saying the wrong thing. So, he does the next best thing he can think of in this case. He takes you by the hand and leads you into the bathroom so he can clean you up as best he can.

You might think the silence could make it too thick to breathe. But, it's comfortable. He doesn't say anything and you can't bring yourself to admit what you feel. He is gentle when he touches anything that's too tender for you. He makes sure it's taken care of and wrapped up so you don't have to look at it. (He'll offer to wrap it later if you need to avoid looking at it later, too.)

"Listen... I know anything I say isn't going to make this better. In fact, I'm sure that anything I say will just make you uncomfortable in the long run... so, I guess... come sit with me. It's not like I'm the best person to hang out with... but at least, you'll have a distraction from your thoughts... we could... watch the clouds together."

#mod kait #ask #mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #mysticmessenger #choi saeran #mm #se saeran #tw self harm #jennis one shot #tw implied self harm

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sirislayer · 2 years

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4, 8, 20, 23 for the artist asks!

4. Favorite Thing to Draw Faces, facial expressions, Pointy ears, Glow Magic stuff, landscape (traditional, abstract), Puns

8. What's the most fun and the least fun parts about your process

Most Fun:

Ideally this lightning of giddy inspiration strikes and I just MUST DRAW or else I will be unable to do anything else. (This is an unreliable reason to do art however, so it should never be depended upon)

But even if this aspect is missing, I like the part where everything of an idea clicks into place. The research starts to come together, the moodboard is helping, the scribbles turn into a sketch, turn into lineart.

Hyperfocus!!!! Hyperfocus is so great to be in. It satisfies my brain being able to hyperfocus on a piece of art and suddenly hours passed by but I finished a thing!!!

Creative activity to me often corresponds with problem solving. The problem often being, that the image I want to exist does not exist. So actually being in the process of problem solving and actually seeing results, thats fun!

Another fun thing - this specifically applies for me to fanart - is when I know a specific person, friend, mutual will enjoy the thing I'm working on as well. It's like "aaah the thing I'm making will probably excite my friend, I can't wait to see their reaction!!!"

Least Fun:

Repetition. I h a t e repeating things I have already done. I don't like doing repetitive tasks or redoing work because I lost my progress due to software crashing. It used to be the thing that would easiest stop me from drawing something. I've gained a bit of a better attitude and harder shell over the years over the course of various professional projects, but it's still a big bummer.

I find posting/uploading + tagging my content on different platforms to be a chore and rather tedious. It has made me think I should just quit twitter/instagram all together because I neither get the interactivity one would want out of them, nor do I necessarily gain any financial benefit from them. Tumblr and YouTube are the most fun to post to, but I know my audience i limited on Tumblr to those, who use tumblr.

Posting in general, while it does result in positive feedback and attention and all that external validation at times, I just find the process boring and rather stressful. Formatting my images to actually be top-notch quality and not be compressed by various platforms takes time, so I actually often just don't do it in the first place.

20. a piece from this year that you're really proud of

I think the one I'm most proud of is one that is not available to the public as of yet. It's an animated short (8 minutes) about coping with the escape from a domestic violence and abuse situation. Most of the work on this was done the years prior to this year, but I did finish a substantial amount of the final animation this year, so I think that still counts. I won't share a link to the video right now, probably in about a year or so. But here are some images from the film:

After finishing that film... long animation does not scare me as much anymore to make. :) If we want to talk strictly limited to this year and this year only - I will probably say my TAZ Graduation Animations [1] [2] [3] and this character design commission!

23. what's something you hope people notice when looking at your art

Uh... that one is actually kinda tough. I don't really know?

Unless the piece has a specific message/vibe I want them to definitely feel (e.g. my domestic violence film), a lot of times I just want people to enjoy the art?

I guess the normal expectation is, I want them to notice my effort? But even then, with 5 minute doodles, that's not effort that's just.. braindump so this answer does not feel quite universal.

A lot of times though, this specifically applies to animation and maybe comics - I am always pleased when people point out things I put in that were not required to make something work, but are fun to see anyways. (e.g. people pointing out ear wiggles, sign language, background action, Fitzroy getting more angry once he notices Argo's upsetness...) It's nice to see I did not add that detail and decor in vain.

In a way I hope people will notice the things and nuance I put there specifically for people to take notice of. (if that makes sense)

#artist ask #answers ask #aye yo thank you!#I hope the film imagery is not too disturbing!!#its a very sad bitter sweet film and its the reason i have been engaging in more lighthearted material this year #serious projects just kinda take it out on you

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companionplanting · 1 year

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cw: mentions of suicidal tendencies and ideation It's so weird going from wanting to die to wanting to live. When you finally get to the point that you truly can't continue with life, your priority for self preservation totally goes out the window in every way. We didn't eat or shower because we had no reason to. Then add onto the fact that we're physically disabled so even if somehow we had an once of energy to do anything for ourselves it was impossible to physically handle it. Now I have gotten better and I'm happy to say we are all not in that dark place anymore. We have a drive to live and get better, but oh man, no one ever tells you about the struggles when you do get better. It feels like a fuck load of anxiety has hit me and a few others in the system like a ton of bricks. We have to care about our health and wellbeing, managing our pain, making sure to eat and be hygienic. It feels like mountains of stress to even think about it. The worst part is I freeze up. I'm scared to make appointments and see doctors. I'm completely unsure in the things I'm doing are self care of holding me back from getting better. I actually have to care about what I eat and when, making sure I get the vitamins and chemicals and general good shit I need for our body. It's been a lot of learning, and being in a relationship during this time has helped us to learn our boundaries and needs better. It's scary and completely different and new, but I'm glad we finally have the opportunities to get better in all of this. I would love to hear different people's coping skills and different methods to getting and staying better mentally in this kind of transition period. -`🍂

#tw suicide #snails 🍂#self care #self healing #mental health #trauma recovery #trauma healing #coping #did system #osdd system #actually did #actuallydid #actually osdd #actuallyosdd #actually traumagenic #healing from trauma #did blog #osddid #did osdd

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astro-rain · 3 years

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delicate; b.barnes

chapter seven - “the king is dead”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: shuri has awful news. the reader is terrified but bucky is strangely calm. the world is turned upside down, and not in a good way.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this was so fun to write omg get ready it’s finally getting interesting!!! (as always, OC on my wattpad @ / typicaldaze)

Months had gone by since that day at the lake. Countless therapy sessions had been endured, several hard questions asked, many many issues worked through. Bucky suffered through a few more anxiety attacks along the way, but they never hindered his resolve, thanks to (Y/N). They had made progress, good, solid progress. Bucky was pleased; (Y/N) was thrilled. It's hard to see change when you're the one going through it. However, to the person guiding that change, every step forward is recognized. She was proud. She was genuinely proud of him. He wasn’t “fixed,” he still had struggles, but he was a lot better off then before.

There was something peculiar, though. Their relationship was strictly professional, (Y/N) knew that. However, she couldn't help but feel as though along the sidelines of their progress, they had grown to become friends. She knew that, clinically, this was not appropriate, but there were no corporate guidelines she was working under. She was helping him. So, what would it matter if after all this was over, they were friends? What would it matter if his therapist also operated as his friend? Hell, she didn't even have an official therapist position here! Sharon just sent her to help. (Y/N) had decided she didn't care about the boundaries being crossed. Nothing ever went wrong with someone gaining a friend. It's fine.

Regardless, the two of them had thoroughly addressed the anxiety and the PTSD, and he now officially had both diagnoses. He understood himself and his brain so much better, and with (Y/N)'s help, he not only acknowledged his disorders, but accepted them. She taught him to not see them as the enemy, not something that was wrong with him. They were just a part of him, same as his brown hair or blue eyes.

Bucky was so much more open now. He was less on edge and more comfortable, especially around her. In all honesty, he was usually his most comfortable with her. He had coping skills and everything!

This was all grand and good, but (Y/N) hoped with everything in her that it wouldn't be ruined by the present disaster.

"I thought he was automatically supposed to be king?" (Y/N) asked, confused.

She was at her weekly meeting with Shuri for Bucky's treatment plan, and the young genius had just told her she couldn't make it next week due to T'Challa's coronation.

"He is," Shuri started, "but it's Wakandan tradition to open the position up to a dual. So, his rule isn't set in stone."

"Oh... What if someone... challenges him?"

"Then they will fight! However, I have no worries. T'Challa is a great warrior, and though I doubt anyone would challenge him, he would win if they did."

(Y/N) admired the faith Shuri had in her brother. She could tell their bond was strong.

"Couldn't you technically challenge him?"

Shuri revealed a kind of devilish smirk that only a sibling can muster. "Oh, I have thought about it. But I am much more useful in my lab, and T'Challa wouldn't know what to do with himself if he wasn't in charge."

(Y/N) looked back on the memory anxiously as she stared in horror at the look on Shuri's face. A wicked mix of fear, grief, and stress drained all the color from the princess' normally dark, beautiful skin. Shuri had always radiated confidence and composure; seeing this change worried (Y/N) deeply.

"The King is dead."

Her face became void of any expression and all she could process was fear. She thought she gasped but she couldn't remember breathing out again. Her brain was frozen. (Y/N) was in a foreign country that just lost its monarch. She was alone, and all the people she was relying on to protect her just had their kingdom invaded and taken over by someone with the word kill as part of their nickname. She was almost certain that this would be her end.

"Dr. (Y/L/N)?" Shuri said unsteadily. "Did you hear me?"

"Y-Yes I... What are we going to do?" her voice was weak and small. Pathetic and afraid.

Then, thoughts of Bucky crossed her mind. What would happen to him? He could fight, she supposed, but he doesn't have any weapons or gear and he'd be against an entire regime. What if they killed him? What if they tortured him? Different scenarios quickly flashed through her brain, but she could only one concrete thought.

I have to find him.

"My family and I have a plan, but we can't take you with us."

Any remaining semblance of hope dissipated from (Y/N)'s body, and she swore she could feel her veins quiver with apprehension.

"What?"

Her voice felt far away.

"It is not ideal, and I'd never leave you unless I had to. But Agent Everett Ross is here. It's a long story, but as you know, he can't find out about Sergeant Barnes. He can't know that either of you are here. If we take you with us, it could compromise everything we've been working for," the nervous princess explained.

"So... what of me and Bucky?"

"Again, it's a long story, but there's a... sort of fallout shelter - I guess you could call it - that was built years and years ago when the first tribes of Wakanda were constantly at war with one another. I will give you supplies and directions, and you two must go there and remain hidden until this is all over."

Fantastic. (Y/N) would get to play Cold War nuclear fallout in Wakanda.

"How will we know?"

Shuri gave her a somber look. A look of uncertainty and immense guilt.

"I wish I could apologize enough, my partner, but I do not know. I promise I will try to contact you as soon as I get any information, but for now we must hurry. We do not have much time."

With that, Shuri took (Y/N)'s arm and quickly led her her outside. It was late afternoon and the air was beginning to cool. They ran, locked together, until they met the Queen under a large tree among the outskirts of a nearby forest. The woman looked just as shaken up as Shuri.

(Y/N) could see bags of different shapes and sizes at the base of the tree. She could only hope whatever was in there was sufficient for survival.

Shuri immediately embraced her mother, but the moment was short lived as she then bent down to gather the bags.

The Queen placed her hands gently on the sides of the psychologist’s face. "I am so sorry, child. This does not involve you in the slightest yet you are swept up in the middle of it."

Shuri handed her mother the bags and they both geared (Y/N) up with all her supplies. It was heavy. Really heavy. She realized she was carrying supplies for two. Then, there was panic.

"What about Bucky?"

"Barnes doesn't know about any of this yet. I thought it best he heard it from you," Shuri expained, "and we cannot afford anymore delays. Us or you. You must go now, tell Barnes what is happening and go. I wish I could be more help, but we simply don't have the time."

(Y/N) nodded, trying to process all the chaos. She was internalizing every bit of it. As a result, she was once again, frozen.

"Dr. (Y/L/N)!" Shrui exclaimed.

Her head shot up, snapped out of it.

"Go! You must go!"

And with that, (Y/N) took off. She had been in Wakanda long enough to know her way around the castle's surrounding land. Her speed didn't last very long as she was carrying for two, but she tried all she could to keep going as quickly as possible.

Eventually she found herself outside of Bucky's living quarters. She didn't know what to do, so she knocked.

An array of different emotions went through Bucky's face. At first he looked pleased, but then he saw the horror etched into (Y/N)'s features, and the bags she was carrying. He could tell something was wrong.

"What happened?" he asked, surprisingly calm, while immediately taking some of the bags from (Y/N). He still only had one arm but that really didn't seem to matter to him.

She was out of breath, face flushed and eyes wide.

"The King is dead," she said breathlessly. "Someone... someone killed him a-and took over."

Bucky didn't look as scared as (Y/N) felt. In fact, he looked... totally fine? She was so out of it she wanted to curl up in a hole and allow natural death. How was the anxious man she was accustomed to so at ease? The world was flipped upside down and (Y/N) had no control. She wished there was a word stronger than fear because she couldn't even describe what she was feeling.

"Okay," Bucky said, gently taking another bag, leaving her with only one to carry, "What did Shuri say? What do we have to do?"

She shook her head, trying to regain her breath and her composure. "There's um - there's a fallout shelter thing we have to go to. Here."

She handed him a crumpled up piece of paper that Shuri gave her. A map with directions. (Y/N) knew he would've been better at locating it than she could at that moment.

"Alright," more of the calm voice filled her ears. "Anything else?"

"There are more details, but - we don't have time," she sighed, restlessly. Her voice began to shake ever so slightly. "Bucky, I'm so sorry. We have to go now. I promise I'll tell you everything."

"Okay," he said again. He bent down slightly, looking her directly in the eyes. " (Y/N), we're fine, okay? We're good, and we're gonna be fine. I will get us there. Are you ready?"

She nodded, steeling herself.

Bucky looked at the map, then glanced up in the direction of the shelter. He took (Y/N)’s forearm firmly. She gave him a look, confirming she was ready. And off they went.

#bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky headcanon #marvel #steve rogers #bucky reader insert #bucky blurb #bucky drabble #bucky fic #marvel fanfiction #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky x female reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x female reader #james buchanan bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #winter solider edit

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thedreamerandthedream · 3 years

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Really upsetting morning. Got "ganged" up on by mom and therapist. Just really upsetting. Two months of pure hell for me, (I cant even stress that enough. Hell. and they still wont just freaking sit down and tell me from beginning to end what happened! That makes me just furious! *WHY*?!?!? What the f&%#* he11 is wrong with you? Why, having your daughter say to other people and a number of times straight to your face that it was hell, two or more months of all the levels of hell. The unified result? "What? That's over, why do you want to talk about it more, you'll just get upset again hay I'll be here for dinner n maybe you can remind Carl of bl bla whatever I just desperately want to punch you I the face omg I jus... I just... I'll be crying my eyes out in the bathroom call when dinners ready. You know that falling to the ground, literally looseing-your-breath-looking around just for something to at least grab onto as your being bareid alive flailing around just desperately wanting to jump off a bridge in such pain that you want to RIP your own heart, through it down the deepest hole you can find and leave it torn apart and sobbing while the only relief is that the cold emptiness is different than the deep painful physical hurt in your chest as you continue to entertain the thought of literally running away since there is no way you can be around these people anymore. The people who, lol, have your best interests at heart. Two months of devastated delirium, dark black sadness, Medically induced hallucinations (I guess because NO ONE WILL EVEN TELL ME *THAT* MUCH... that scared the shit out of me, days of crying, sobbing, desperate to just get out of this so I can at least breathe again. I'm desperate to just make the pain go away. Everywhere I look is devastating... triggering everywhere. About half the things I own through about the house, trashing everything. It's *Everything*.I literally have to wash or throw away *everything*. My OCD off the charts (well everyone else is completely oblivious and confused as to what else I could possibly be upset about now. Just organizing has taked *days*).

Moms notorious for 'if you're not crying it must be alright then', with absolutely nothing moved or changed or done or rectified. Like, sure, everything is great just because I've been crying so much I have no tears left (I never really thought that was a thing, untill it was.).

Though everyone else just seems to be completely nonchalant about it, if anything. They dont see what could ever be that bad. Her coping skills go; 1) get upset by a situation involving daughter. 2) magically stop being upset soon after. 3) wonder why daughter is crying. 4) get more hopeless and upset when she inevitably (yet after a few hours) comes over (not to console me, but to ask "what are you crying about? What happened?" Seriously? Its pretty devastating when you're going through hell and your biggest supporter is like "man that was more then an hour ago; you can't still be upset... that you wouldn't just be sad, n by that afternoon be completely okay. My mom still has trouble figuring why I'm upset about it. Shes holds the world's record for "getting over [anything]. Unfortunately she applies that character trait to me aswell. My heart was ripped out an stomped on continually.

Before she went to work, mom saw me still crying. Put a note on my door;

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Can we talk latter?

I was so relieved! I dont do well when mom n I "fight"... I just... I really need her. Like, *really*... I'm an emotional wreck; Fighting consists of my crying my eyes out for hours till she figures she better come over, with the insight of "you should stop crying so much, you're gunna make yourself sick." By this afternoon she either wont do it at all, will stay as far away from me as she can, or just walk around talking about some random work thing that I could not care less with at this point. She comes with conclusions like "you were mad at me, so I stayed away from you (sure, cuz that wont make me feel more unwanted and not worth your time. Great plan).

... and that's just one room...

Their blaming it on me. Saying I was super tired, like exhausted... so I trashed the house. Within... like... a few days and apparently no one stopped me. Or even talked to me about it when I woke up. Just "hey, goodmorning, you slept for a long time heres some toast."

#me #love #personal #parents

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boxofbadaddiction · 4 years

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In a Word

Fred Weasley x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Swearing. Small depictions of PTSD. Post War.

Summary: The War changed Fred. His brush with death had an unexpected affect on the joyful young wizard and, unfortunately, created severe turmoil in his relationship with Y/n.

Prompts: 12, 15 & 20

"You're over me? When were you...under me?" // "I'm sorry. Maybe I can make it up to you by...taking you roughly in the barn." // "This can't be it./Then how come it is?"

This story is inspired from a request of my F.R.I.E.N.D.S Themed Prompt List.

Not much was said about Fred Weasley, in fact most of the time he could be described simply in a word. He was loud. Boisterous. Confident. Some even called him Unstoppable. Those weren't the words [Y/N]'d use to describe him though.

Although, these days there were only two that came to mind when she thought of him. He was her ex. And he was afraid. Not that he would ever admit the fact.

Stubborn. That's another word for Fred Weasley.

The war had changed people. She'd seen it in the faces of friends, and family. In the eyes of strangers, and in her own reflection. Fewer people laughed while more cried. Many left hollow shells of their past self.

The same couldn't be said for Fred. He was different. The complete opposite. While others withdrew into themselves, he had never shone so bright.

If you thought he were loud before you'd be surely mistaken. These days he laughed harder, pranked more and never stopped moving. It was like he saw it as his job to single handedly bring joy back to the world. To shine light where darkness had taken root. Which isn't a bad thing, but now he had trouble on knowing when the joke needed to end.

His girlfriend suffered most as a result. She'd grown tired of feeling like the mother of a hyperactive toddler on a sugar rush. She'd attempted to talk with him on countless occasions. To have him confide his fears in her, but he never did. He did his best to never let on that he was hurting, but his best just wasn't good enough. She still saw it. Because if you looked closely enough you'd notice the way he jumped more at loud noises like he hadn't before. Notice the look in his eyes when he was with family or friends, how he seemed to try and memorise every detail of them, incase he wasn't here tomorrow to see it. It broke [Y/N]s heart to see him suffer in silence. But it didn't hurt her nearly as bad as when she had to leave him.

The problem between them was that Fred just never spoke about the war. Whether to offer himself a reprieve, or to be that support for another. Any worries someone had would be brushed off with a joke. Even on the day [Y/N] left he had a witty retort lined up at every word she said.

"Damn it Fred! This is serious!" She pushed herself up from the dining room table.

"Must be to have your nostils flaring like that" he laughed. [Y/N] groaned loudly in frustration. Why was he incapable of being serious? Pacing the room in anger Fred watched as his girlfriend tried desperately to calm her emotions. He swallowed thickly quickly becoming uncomfortable in the tense atmosphere.

[Y/N] tugged at the roots of her hair, ran her hands down her face, pulled them over the back of her neck. She tried anything to rid her body of these stressful feelings as her mind raced a million miles an hour.

"Why can't you just talk to me!?" She shouted, arms being thrown out pleadingly towards her boyfriend. Face begging to understand him.

"I do."

"No you don't. Not about things that matter. Not about what's on your mind or how you're feeling. Hell! Fred, it's been so long since we've had a meaningful conversation I don't even know if you love me anymore." Her eyes were stinging red as they began to glisten with tears over her words. Fighting with every bit of strength in her body to keep them from falling.

"Of course I do.' Fred's face was the most serious it had been since the War. This was the first time in months she had seen it without a smile. That sickly fake smile.

Brows furrowed as he raised from his chair he walked to his partner. Snaking his arms around her waist as she turned her face away from him.

"Hey", his hand cupped her chin making her look at him, "I do love you. I'm sorry." He pulled her into a tight hug, resting his chin on the top of her head as her hands met at his shoulder blades. His chest vibrated against her cheek as he spoke, "maybe I can make it up to you" he leant back to peer into her eyes. Looking away as if deep in thought, "by...i dunno, taking you roughly in the barn?" he began laughing. [Y/N] pushed out of his hold tears falling in anger. "Oh, come on [Y/N]"

"NO! Fred. Just...no." she snapped, her back to him. One hand came to her temple, massaging to try and dull the pain throbbing in her mind. "I can't do this anymore." Her voice were no more than a whisper, but still it carried to Fred's ears. The room fell deadly silent as he processed the words. No, he heard wrong. He had to. "What?" His breathing began to pick up in panic. "I can't do this anymore!" Hot, fat tears spilled from her eyes as she turned shouting. "I can't keep pretending everything's okay, that I'm okay. That you're going to let me in and admit you're hurting because I know. I know you're hurting too." Fred was paralysed. This wasn't happening...

[Y/N]s voice softened "I can't just carry on in denial like you're choosing to, Fred. I-" her throat seemed to close over itself. No words or air able to break through. Biting her lip as her eyes ran the room, searching for an answer that just wasn't there. She dropped her head as more tears started to fall.

Seeing the woman he loved so distraught in front of him, because of him, killed Fred. It was like being trapped under that wall all over again, and he was suffocating. He hated that feeling. The one that plagued his very existence in every waking moment. He made so many jokes these days to distract himself from feeling just that. He stayed silent to protect the people he loved, but he'd just caused more damage.

He moved towards her again, carefully as if he'd scare her if he were to move too quickly. "Hey..." his voice cracked under the pressure of it all but still he forced a smile through the pain, "I know things have been difficult lately. With work and the-the aftermath of it all but...we'll get through this. Together. We can-" "No Fred." She looked up into his pale face, seeing his eyes widen. " 'We' can't. Not this time."

"No, no-no-no-no, please!" He willed himself forwards. Clutching her hands in his own and pulling them to his chest. "Please, [Y/N], love. I'm sorry this...this can't be it." His eyes were frantically searching her face, begging her.

"Then how come it is?"

That was nearly two years ago now. They'd seen hide nor hair of one another since. [Y/N] had been on a few dates here and there but none felt right. No one could make her feel like Fred did. It broke her heart to leave him, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Being away gave her the time she needed to heal and cope with the reality which Fred had been determined to ignore.

As [Y/N] was finishing her day at work she decided to reward herself for surviving a particularly stressful week by heading for a few drinks at the new bar that had opened up in Diagon Alley a couple months back. She'd been dying to go, all her friends say it's fantastic unfortunately she'd never had occasion to accompany them.

So, with a quick stop home to shower and change she apparated to the entrance of the Bar.

It was everything she had heard about and more. As she sat on a stool by the counter she couldn't help but marvel at the interior. The ceiling glimmered with tiny lights that reminded her of the stars (which in turn reminded her of the ceiling in the Great Hall of Hogwarts), and the floors were gorgeous hardwood with Bar to match. It was hard to believe such a classy place existed in Diagon Alley. Swivelling back around in her seat to face the bartender she ordered herself another drink.

Her hands played with the cool exterior of her glass while she starred absent-mindedly at nothing in particular. Lost in her own thoughts as she enjoyed the night to herself.

"[Y/N]?" a familiar voice called from behind her. Her eyes shot up to the mirror on the wall, behind the whiskey shelf and there she saw him. A dishevelled mop of red hair emerging from the crowd of people bustling about the dance floor. "Fred?" She spoke more to herself before turning to face him.

Standing as he approached, their mouths were both agape ever so slightly. They stared for a moment before a single laugh fell from Fred's lips, one of shock and amazement, followed closely by that signature Freddie grin.

"It's so good to see you." Before he could register his movements his arms were already tight around her body. "You too".

He let her go slowly, standing back bashfully to admire her. "What are you-" he stopped himself. He was going to ask what she was doing here but out of fear she may be on a date he decided against it. "What have you been up to?"

"Not much. You know just work mostly. Actually I was just promoted a little over a month ago so it's all been really good." Her smile was genuine as she answered him and it made his heart soar to see her so happy again. Even if it weren't with him. Fred so deeply missed that smile, he missed all of her more than he could ever put into words. "That's fantastic! I'm happy for you." He knew he was staring but he didn't care. She was still so beautiful. Seeing her, being near her after all this time, was like a cool breath of fresh air he didn't realise he needed so bad.

"How about you? How's the store, and George?" "Great. All great. We're opening a store in Hogsmead shortly. Prime real-estate in our opinion, so close to the school. Couldn't pass up the chance to drive McGonagall up the wall either." [Y/N] found herself laughing hard at his comment. He was just like she remembered, before the war. Not trying to be funny it just came naturally. He looked happy. "That's amazing. I'm glad everything's going so well for you. God! It's been so long." "Too long."

There they went staring again. Both in awe of one another.

[Y/N] was the one to realise, or perhaps Fred just didn't care, but sensing the lull in conversation she cleared her throat - glancing over the room briefly.

"George is here." Fred spoke abruptly. Desperate to keep talking with her he threw out the first thing that came to mind. "A few of us came out for drinks tonight. Would you like to join us? I mean, if you aren't expecting someone." The words left a fowl taste on his tongue and an ache in his chest, praying she weren't with anyone. "No, I'm here alone", prayers answered. "But I couldn't possibly impose." "Impose? Please! We'd be offended if you didn't." He joked "come oooon...one drink?" putting on his best puppy dog eyes, that silent beg she never could resist. She pursued her lips, pondering his request for a moment. Would it be awkward? God she hoped not. "Okay." She raised a finger in front of her face with a stern expression, "one drink." "Atta girl!" He grinned widely, taking her wrist in his hand and whisking her through the close knit crowd to a booth to the back of the room.

Safe to say she was there a lot longer than one drink. As one turned to two, two turned to three and soon the minutes had stretched well into hours. Everything felt so safe and familiar back in the company of her old friends. Soon enough though, as was inevitable, it was just the two sat within the booth as everyone else vacated for the bar, dance floor or home.

In the comfort of each others company the two couldn't help but reminisce, on their Hogwarts days mostly. The two were in hysterics as [Y/N] recalled the time she failed to prank Snape which lead to Fred swooping to her rescue, taking the fall. "I had detention for a month after that." He laughed at the memory, "I said I was sorry!" [Y/N] was wiping tears from her eyes. "Hands were blistered to Hell by the time I'd polished all those damn trophies." As her stomach cramped [Y/N] burried her head in her hands, trying to compose herself but failing. Fred watched her, shoulders quaking in silent laughter at how adorable she looked in this moment. Finally having control of herself once again [Y/N] adjusted her posture while stretching her jaw that'd cramped from smiling so much.

Fred lifted his glass to his lips readying himself to drink, "I still remember the day you confessed your undying love for me", he threw his head back finishing the beverage. "Practically screammed it for the whole school to hear." He smirked. "Oh it was not like that!" "It most certainly was!"

"Just tell me what's wrong!" Fred bellowed, storming after the angry girl ahead of him. Arms wide pleadingly.

"It doesn't matter! None of it matters now!" [Y/N] called over her shoulder as she rounded the corner into a quiet corridor.

"Clearly..." Fred ran to stand in front of her, hands grasping her shoulders to keep her in place, "it does." She rolled her eyes, turning her head away from him. "It doesn't matter because I am over you Fred!" She pulled out of his grip standing confidently before him. "I'm over you."

Freds face lost all emotion. They stood in silence as realisation dawned on [Y/N] slowly, rising through her spine like a chill. A hand coming to cover her mouth as the other wrapped around her stomach like she was going to be sick. "You're over me?" [Y/N] backed away from him and found herself pressed against a cold stone wall eye's wide in horror. "When-when were you...under me?" His brows furrowed, turning confused to find her on the ground now, hands tugging at the roots of her hair with knees to her chest.

An endearing sort of chuckled rolled from his throat past his lips, sounding dangerously close to a scoff. Shock subsiding slightly he shook his head while approaching his best friend. Crouching before her.

"Look at me."

[Y/N] shook her head quickly. Hiding her eyes in the palms of her hands. "No." she mumbled.

"Please, look at me"

"No!"

"[Y/N]!"

"NO!"

"Oh for the love of - [Y/N]!" her arms were suddenly being pulled from her face as she was made to stand infront of him.

Embarrassed by her confession [Y/N] became defensive, "WHAT!? Okay, yes, I like you! I have for a while. I tried not to, tried to stop myself but I couldn't! I'm sorry! So go ahead. Make your jokes. Have a good laugh, I don't care anymore!" She was waving her arms frantically as she yelled. Staring directly into his eyes, which were glaring incredulously back. "You're insufferable, you know that!?" He snapped. [Y/N] scoffed, mouth falling wide at the insult. "Oh yeah? Well, you're a-"

Her next words were cut out by Freds lips on hers, hands cupping her face before one looped the small of her back to bring their bodies tight against each other. Her hands held onto his biceps. She felt herself melt into the kiss she'd been dreaming about for months, although it was under vastly different circumstances. Moaning softly at the warmth spreading through her body. Much to her dismay Fred let go of her, pulling back to catch his breath. A grin forming on his face as he looked down at her. "I'm a what?" His tone playful. [Y/N] stood breathless for a moment glancing at his lips, " You're a...really good kisser." She whined pulling him back in for another.

Fred was doubled over in their booth from unrestrained laughter. "Okay, so maybe a few people heard. There was an awful lot of yelling." [Y/N] giggled, watching him fondly.

"LAST DRINKS!" called the bartender. Their attention shot towards them, expressions falling solemn. When had it gotten so late?

"I-I should probably get going." She kept her eyes on the bar as she mumbled the words knowing if her eyes met his she'd crumble. Freds eyes were fixed to her profile. This couldn't be it. He wasn't ready to say goodbye. "I'll walk you." He jumped from his seat, "still at the same place?" He smiled and reached his hand out for her to take. Finally her gaze met his, smiling immediately, she took his hand nodding.

The walk home was interesting, to say the least. Both were considerably drunker than they realised, stumbling about the Alley way they were relying solely on one another for the stability to remain upright. Fred was cracking jokes as [Y/N] all but hung from his arm where their elbows interlocked.

Howling laughter echoed noisely through the deserted street. Several times Fred found himself taking hold of her waist to keep her from falling. The last he decided it were safer just to keep them there. Hugging her tightly from behind they walked step-in-step, as he swayed her dramatically enjoying the giggles that erupted from her at the action. For anyone observing the scene they'd never wager the two weren't a couple.

[Y/N] was squirming under his hold as his fingers began tickling her sides. Eliciting various shrieks, squeals and 'no's from her mouth. She bent far forward trying to distance herself from his touch, Fred took advantage of the action sweeping her off her feet into a bridal style hold. "Right let's see now, where were you." He scanned the lining apartments counting to himself over the loud sound of [Y/N]s laughter. "Ah, here we are!" He exclaimed, jogging up the short flight of stairs to the door, effortlessly. "Your stop, M'lady" he bowed placing her feet firmly on the ground. "Why thank you kind Sir." She was visibly flustered from the amount of contact and laughter they had shared tonight. It just all felt so right with him.

As she rummaged her coat pocket for her keys and looked back to him the scene changed. Their faces falling sullen and the night deathly quiet. This was it wasn't it...goodbye?

"Thank you for walking me home and-and for tonight. I had fun." She swallowed the lump in her throat that formed over her awkwardness.

"Anytime" Fred shook his head, though he tried to smile it didn't last long. He felt like he could breathe again and to say goodbye meant suffocating. How could he tell her, tell her that a life without her in it wasn't worth living? How could he prove he's changed? Did she even feel the same way anymore? He searched her eyes, praying to find the answer hidden within them.

"Anyway, I should-" she gestured to the door with her keys.

"No, yeah. Of course." He smiled, but that hand that shot to rub the back of his neck gave him away. He was nervous. Even after two years she could still spot his tells a mile away. He wanted to say something and from the thundering in her chest [Y/N] could guess what it was. Because she felt it too. She was opening her mouth to speak -

"I'll see you." He was walking away. Why was he walking away?

[Y/N]s mouth fell open, watching him stride into the distance. Her mind willing her to do something. Say something. Fuck, say ANYTHING!

"FRED!" she stood at the edge of her stairs. The call of his name turning his attention back to her. Heart racing.

Her mind was fumbling over the words to say. The love of her life was there. He was right there waiting for her...

"I'm...I'm still under you." She kicked herself for how awkward that must have sounded.

Fred's head dropped in sigh. Running before his feet knew they were carrying him he leapt onto the landing beside her. Pulling her by the nape of her neck their lips crashed together. [Y/N] was smiling against his lips as tears trickled down her rosie cheeks. Fred broke his lips from hers, pushing their foreheads together as they caught their breath.

"You're insufferable, you know that?".

"I know."

There were a lot of words [Y/N] could use to describe Fred Weasley. He was passionate. Funny. Smart. Impulsive. But most importantly; he was Hers.

Completely.

#fred weasley x reader #fred weasley/reader #fred weasley angst #fred weasley fluff #fred weasley fanfic #fred weasley fanfiction #hp #hp imagine #fred weasley imagine #harry potter #harry potter imagine #writing is hard.#harry x reader #writing prompts #prompt fics

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fairycosmos · 4 years

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COVID-19 has finally put NZ in lockdown and I have suddenly learnt that I actually really rely on routine for my mental health. Everything is so uncertain and I can't focus anymore. I feel so overwhelmed but none of my friends really care so I'm telling you. I'm also in the same boat as you with mother's, mine for told if she gets COVID-19 she's in the top 10% at risk of dying. Plus it's making me feel all eating disorderey. Sorry

hey it’s ok love, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for :( i cant tell you how much i relate to this, it’s almost like you read my mind….like whenever i try to focus on building a routine i just end up worrying about the virus. and i’m super low energy because i haven’t been exercising or eating much, either. the thing is i think it’s alright to allow ourselves this period of loss and adjustment. as long as we’re doing what we can to stay safe, we’re doing enough. if that looks like crying in your bed, then so be it. you dont need to have it all figured out. it’s ok to be sad and scared and uncertain, it’s a natural human response to such stressful and uncontrollable circumstances. and it’s not like there’s a rule book on how to handle this sort of thing. we’re all pretty blindsided, and for those of us who are mentally ill, it’s going to take time and effort to relearn how to cope in a smaller, more closed in environment. i know it’s hard to basically start from scratch, but it’s not impossible to simply start building up some semblance of a routine within your home. even if that’s just taking a shower, making a meal, doing some stretches, watching a movie or reading a book (or any other hobby you have.) it doesn’t have to be set in stone, and it can change according to your needs, but the point is getting up and putting your energy towards something so you can stay present and grounded. there’s going to be a lot of added anxiety due to boredom until you’re able to come to terms with the situation, and that’s normal, but i’d implore you to revert back to any positive coping mechanisms you’ve used in the past. breathing exercises, meditation, journaling, creating a food plan, self affirmations - all of these techniques aren’t there to cure you of your mental illness, rather they allow you to take a moment to center yourself so you don’t start spiraling and believing the unhealthy narratives your mind may insist on telling you. and it doesn’t have to work 100% every time, but the point is to try. to do what you can with what you’ve been given. attempt to meet small daily ‘goals’ in terms of feeding yourself and working through unnecessary feelings of shame. you deserve and need nourishment, nothing about this changes that. another important factor to consider is communication. i know you said your friends don’t care, and if that’s how you feel then i dont want to take that away from you, but it could also just be that they dont understand. mental illness sometimes makes us think in extremes right? if there’s anyone you trust, it’s ok to consider the idea of reaching out and explaining the seriousness of where you’re at mentally. but if that’s not an option, there are many mental health hotlines and online communities available if you feel you need some support. your mind may try to write it off, but just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we have to deal with this alone on an emotional level, ok? isolation can often make our perception of the world and of ourselves become distorted because we don’t have anyone else to use as a point of reference and to listen to/be heard by, so if anyone at all comes to mind, know that you can always get in touch with them, even if you have to force yourself to. also, i am so so sorry to hear about your mum. i dont even know what to say because whenever people try to comfort me about it, it doesn’t compare to the crippling dread i feel every time i think about how at risk she is. it is such an awful situation, and it’s no wonder our mental health is out of wack because of it. but know that if your mum is self isolating and following all the health guidelines, then she is severely lessening her risk of being exposed. this lockdown is a good thing in that regard. it’s so much easier said than done, but rationalizing is a very useful skill to practice. as long as you’re both doing all you can to work towards a healthier lifestyle, then you’re okay and you will get through this together. i’m sending so so much love to the both of you and while these next few weeks might be hard, they are not permanent. no matter how much your mind tries to convince you otherwise during a low moment. please let me know if you need a friend or if you want to talk about this at all, i’ll be here. ❤️❤️

#anon

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iveneverbeenanatural-13 · 4 years

Text

Update for today

Lockdown for Covid-19 March 27th

I guess I'm writing the story of my life...?

Things are better. Last night was rough because of depression and anxiety... I got to thinking why do I do this to myself? To be honest there is a lot I don't share with people and as a result I tend to break down at random times. I'm not looking for pity, more just friends... People who get it. I'm glad I started to post more on here as it feels sorta like a diary. And maybe right now that's what I need. Even if no one reads this that's ok.

Maybe I will just spell it all out. See what comes from it. So here it goes.

I haven't had a bad life. I'm only 23 but it just feels like a long life with many extra bumps in it... Things just manage not to go the way id like it to most of the time. So now I'm just used the noise. I had a good childhood but many many memories of a broken family. An angry dad (not necessarily towards us kids) a mom who coped with alcohol. I often took care of my siblings as the eldest of five. And there are many other things I won't mention... It was hard. It was dysfunctional. We'd have money then didn't. We'd have food then didn't. We'd have a week of no fighting with my parents and then they would be at each other's throats the next several weeks. We'd have moments of joy but usually short-lived moments. I'm not saying it was all bad. I have good memories too. Singing Taylor Swift songs to my mini laptop webcam is a memory I have. Making music with my brother was a good memory I have. And spending time with friends too.. it wasn't all bad...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Things seemed fine. But it was the calm before the storm. After my ex and I got together things sorta slowly started to get worse. My dad didn't support my relationship. He thought we were moving too fast. My mom wasnt happy and coped with more alcohol. And even tho they had briefly separated a couple years before I thought they wouldn't ever get divorced. Well I was wrong...

My ex and I tried so hard to make our relationship work. And I think I pushed things because I wanted some kind of happy ending. Most of my friends had gotten married or were in happy relationships. This was my first real relationship. So I thought this could be the last. There were constant fights and bitterness started to grow between us... We were co-dependent. We tried to live on our own but due to a mental illness he had, he had a hard time keeping a job. So we were just CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING. It just became not a safe place anymore. We did get engaged after about a year. My dad didn't agree and we didn't have any wedding help. My friends tried to help but it was almost like people didn't take us seriously. Which hurt because I was always there for them whether I agreed with their decisions or not. My mom straight up left my Dad and moved into her own place. I was in between a lot when it came to my mom and dad. Trying to help them to get along for my sister's sake. But there were many fights or my mom getting so drunk that the police were called... DISCLAIMER: I want to say. My parents aren't bad parents. They're just broken.

My ex and I were under so much never-ending stress. We broke up and got back together several times. It was awful. Words were said, feelings were hurt, then we'd forgive and start all over again. I like to think that was the burning Red Taylor was talking about. We loved each other so much. But it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. You lose yourself. You lose who you want to be just so you can help keep the other person from drowning. After two years my parents were officially getting divorced. My dad had gone through severe depression so I moved into his place because I honestly was afraid he would kill himself. That was rough. I had also briefly moved into my moms to help her. This was the breaking point for her. And I had to get my sisters who were living with her at the time and help them to pack up and leave. They no longer wanted to be there. Leaving her behind and closing her apartment door while glimpsing her looking so sad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Time went on. We finally got through that. I got through that.

During this time I had lost friends. Or at least we didn't talk much anymore. I think they just didn't know how to approach me. And I know they didn't mean it. I was in a place where I couldn't be reached. Later my mom had left our state of NC and moved about 45 mins away to SC with her new Boyfriend. We like him. He's nice. And she's doing so much better! My dad had met a lady and got engaged rather quickly in my opinion lol. But as long as he's happy. When things finally started to calm down a bit with my family the damage had already been done in my relationship. It wouldn't stop. The fighting the arguing. Even after we had moved to our own little house. But it was still my home. I had my cats and my own space. I loved it. Well, back in November a huge fight had occurred and we believed we shouldn't be living together for the time being. I moved in with my grandmother.. I went back and forth a lot. Set up for Christmas and we even got to go on a little vacation. I hadn't been on a vacation in so long. Yet again, it was the calm before another storm. One night in December, the Friday before Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) I got a call. It was my ex. He said he couldn't do it anymore. And that he was breaking up with me. He said he couldn't tell me face to face because it would be too hard and he probably would change his mind. And I cried. And begged him not too. This all happened after a particularly hard argument we had the day before. Where I had done something wrong and I did apologize for it. But it just wasn't enough... And that was it. The end of my 2-year whirlwind relationship. I was heartbroken. He got really angry and was just saying really mean things to me. Personal things that really affected me. I had to go get all my stuff. Leave one of my kitties behind and give the other one up because I couldn't bring her with me. She is rehomed to one of my best friends. She had been there through pretty much all of it. I'm so grateful I have her. I saw my ex went on a date after 3 weeks. And yeah. It was awful. I felt like the scum of the earth.

And I thought that was it... Hahaha It wasn't. I missed my period for the whole month of January. I didn't even think anything of it. Then I finally took a test. And LOW AND BEHOLD it was positive. My whole life took a fucking turn in one second and I was literally losing my mind. So yeah. Fast forward to now. I'm 16 weeks. Working through my severe depression and anxiety. I had had plans to really work on myself but now that I'm pregnant you can't really take many medications during this time. And that's very hard as I have trouble functioning normally day today... I was looking for a job for months and when I finally found one Covid-19 showed its ugly head and I lost that job. And now I'm here. Not sure of how I'm going to provide for this baby. But the father and I have much a better relationship then we've ever had. We are not back together tho. There's still struggles and obstacles but at this point it's just part of my life. So that's it more or less. That's where I'm at now. I'm very grateful that even tho my family isn't together we all still show up for each other. And even tho I sometimes still get stuck between my dad and moms problems they're still alive and well. And now I have a baby. Which was my ultimate dream. I guess I just want to know that I can provide a really good life for it. As these are not the circumstances I had wished for myself. And that it's childhood is better than my childhood or even my ex's. He struggled too... I'm scared right now because I can't work and I'm constantly battling these demons. But at the same time I know somehow it'll all work out... Eventually... You know what I hope for myself tho? That I find a love that's golden. Not red.

#taylor swift #Anxiety #depression #mental health #swifties #swiftie #covidー19 #struggles

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