#i can't even handle physical touch anymore cos i'm just so fucking touchstarved

[mrs-lockley]

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#seeing all these kane posts from annihilation where he's being so soft with lena in bed makes me cry #i'm just crying because i can't imagine anyone looking at me like that or touching me so softly #or being so fucking gentle #i can't even handle physical touch anymore cos i'm just so fucking touchstarved #but at the same time i get so scared of someone touching me because i feel so broken #like i'm damaged goods #that all i'll ever be is just a bed warmer #men scare me so much and every man including my own father have hurt me physically to some extent #and every time someone reaches for me i cower away crying because i keep thinking #that hand is going to hit me in some way shape or form #that hand is going to grip my arm too hard #or those hands are gonna hit my head #even if it's lightly just the idea of someone hitting me makes me so scared #or someoen wanting to hld my hand or hug me makes me want to die cos there's no escape #they're gonna hurt me they're gonna eventually find their neck and choke me #i hate feeling like this cos i'm just letting *him* win but the fear paralyzes me at night #where i imagine someone holding me gently but it's so foreign and i don't deserve it at all i don't deserve that i'm not worthy of it at all #i'm just a fucking cock sleeve and a bed warmer and after that i'm discarded like a used condom #and my trauma isn't even tHAT bad liek i know other people have it worse i know my friends went thru worse i have NO REASON #NO REASON to be traumatized but here i am crying over the smallest things #i hate hate hate this #i just feel so alone and helpless and useless and broken