been coming to some realizations about the ol' teenage years and the effects of social isolation, csa, emotional and physical abuse, and religious brainwashing all whipped up into a nauseating salad while you're going through puberty for the first time
that's where a lot of my relationship and sexual dysfunction come from. being forced to confess every single fucking thing to a parental figure who then threatened to go tell the creepy old bishop about "your little problem." as if me touching my own body was some kind of horrible addiction. she made me dissociate completely from my whole body and suppress every natural urge i had. she told me god would only forgive me a few times and then he'd stop after that because clearly i wasn't really sorry enough for enjoying my body at all
and then she just engaged the rest of the fucking family to make sure i never had any time alone, which was the most horrible overstimulating shit ever for my autistic ass. i wasn't allowed any alone time for any reason. shower? she'd always find a time to sneak up and knock on the door really hard just to make me jump and keep me on edge. actually she did that for fun all the damn time, just like she pulled the hair at the nape of my neck to see me tear up because she found it hilarious. she screamed at me when i finally did it back to her though.
never had a problem holding me down to stick needles in my face, feeling me up under my shirt, touching me everywhere no matter how much i hated it and made that clear, pulling up my shirt and bra in front of the rest of the family. people make fun of the weird kids who bark and growl, but it was the only thing that made her back off.
and there was nobody i could talk to, because "family things stay in the family." i wasn't allowed to go to public school or leave the house at all without a parent until i was 17 just so she could control my entire world. i had exactly one crush for about a week until she found out and started tearing me down for it. i couldn't have any friends she didn't personally approve, and she also had to personally approve their parents. i wasn't allowed sleepovers. one time i came back from a church activity wearing blue eyeshadow one of the youth group leaders had put on me because i liked it, and she told me i looked "like a prostitute" and freaked the fuck out. the Sunday after that, she copied her own makeup onto me to show me off as essentially a tiny version of her to all the adults at church.
she was honestly just a possessive jealous creepy gross incestuous pedophile, and i wanted to die. the only way for me to escape was burying myself in a book and getting my consciousness outside of myself completely. even that wasn't enough after a while.
she realized one day that i was getting bigger than her, and she decided to start having weird wrestling matches with me on the living room floor. i'd been carefully supervised through tae kwon do classes but i was too scared to hit her. she always ended up tickling me and sitting on me in ways that weren't right for anyone to do to a kid to win. i just wanted to let loose, crack her jaw, throw her out the window, but i knew if i did that the consequences would be severe.
if i ever see her again i'm showing her what a left hook feels like. she loved to complain about how i was born evil and just the most badly-behaved kid of all time, but sometimes i wish i'd really unleashed everything and shown her what an unholy terror really is.
nowadays touch is still a minefield for me, even just a tap on the shoulder can send me into furious shaking. i don't know how to have sex without ignoring what i feel and just trying to make someone else feel good. i can't cuddle anyone but my girlfriend, and even that kinda freaks me out sometimes.
the moral of the story is, don't fucking have kids if you're going to abuse them. don't even get a pet. collect rocks or something, find a hobby, tie a boulder around your neck and chuck it off a cliff into the ocean like that jesus guy said, but don't have kids if you're going to abuse them. oh and burn your bible/book of mormon/christian scriptures of choice, that's not a childrearing manual.
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Hey there! I'd like to hear your thoughts about this. Jkr never put a lot of thought into voldemort as a character did she? The fact that his villainy is oversimplified to be "conceived under a love potion and hence can't love" although there are instances where he has loved. The narrative that is put forth is that every child who was conceived through unhealthy relationships, abandoning parents and difficult circumstances is destined to be incapable of love. (There are problems/issues because of these circumstances but it's not a doomed-to-be-unloved situation)
The abuse he faced or the trauma was never explained and neither was his nature which can be either perceived as arrogance or as self-preservation in his formative years..
I love your blog and analyses btw!🖤
i couldn’t agree more. i don’t know if you are familiar with what i usually write about voldemort as a villain and as an all-around character, but what you are talking about is not only something i always mention when i discuss him in a more complex, adult manner, but much more importantly is deeply linked to what i think about the hp series in general and to the one, major issue i have with it in particular. this is something i consider very important and, honestly, a topic that is never stressed enough: jkr wrote an overly black and white children book, where oversimplification is the fundamental fabric of everything and i find it all very problematic, to say the least.
i understand the series started as a children book and that characterizing so generically and so stereotypically serves as a great advantage to sell copies, since virtually everyone can draw their own conclusions about pretty much every single character of the series and therefore identify, but hp more often than not proudly poses as a moral compass, as a good-vs-evil lecture, aiming to accompany children into adulthood hand in hand (both the books and the movies literally grow in tone, length, targeted audience and themes with the children who are consuming them), so it’s not unfair of me to be concerned about what exactly these morals have been teaching children and then teens (myself included) for more than twenty years about reality, even as a fantasy series.
i often say the characterizations of its heroes is the thing that scares me the most about the hp series. the entirely of the “good guys” in these books lack basic normal human reactions. they all went through hell one way or another, harry constantly witnessing every last one of his family relations dying/growing up abused and hated/discovering he was raised literally to be slaughtered by the man he looked up to the most, ginny being possessed/forced to kill/almost murdered in tender age by the literal devil and whose trauma is never mentioned again, hermione having to erase the memories of her parents - you know, the list goes on and on. the one thing that all of them have in common tho, is their non-consequence to horror. and that’s wildly unhuman. aside from a little sadness, some stubborn dementors chasing bad memories and sporadic plot-serving nightmares, none of the heroes is really effected or damaged by what happens to them. when normal people would have spiritual crisis, ptsd, depression, manic episodes, you name it, jkr is feeding us the idea that really good, brave, strong, valuable people remain unaffected by trauma and that only the weak, wrong, damaged and therefore evil ones are. and i find it beyond disturbing.
paradoxically enough, voldemort is the only prominent example (probably along with snape and draco, but in a very different way) of “normal” human behavior when a child is exposed that much to trauma and abuse in tender age. jkr never really explains voldermort beyond her rhetorical “he’s wickedness personified” motto, yet the little characterization she gave him is entirely built around trauma - a trauma that she openly equates to evil. voldemort is a child born out of rape (there’s a metaphorical love potion and therefore he’s unable to love - leaving aside the idiocy of it, how sick is that? as if a child should carry the faults of his parents, as if all children born from rape were emotionally disabled or soon to be psychopaths! what exactly she wanted to prove with this point will forever be beyond me), a child abandoned to abuse and poverty in the middle of ww2, a child i’m sure shunned for his magical powers if not worse, a child without a single resource on the planet but himself, a child to whom no one, ever, not even later in the wizarding world, ever gave a helping hand or genuine affection (he was literally sent back to a world war because “no one can live in the school in the summer”, i mean!). of course he had to react to survive, of course all that left him scarred, because it didn’t leave him annihiliated! tom and harry share the condition of the orphan, but while harry was loved by his dead parents, glorified and rich and adored, voldemort was unwanted, discriminated against, bullied, poor and ignored. had dumbledore treated tom as he had treated harry (not that he treated harry that well if we really analyze it, but still), had his mother not abandoned him and died, jkr herself said lord voldemort would have probably never existed.
is this a correct way to stereotype human nature? is this a good message to give children? the only plausible human in there is the psychopathic super villain who is physically unable to love?
i like to think voldermort differently. i do think he could, of couse he could, actually love - as we all can if we allow ourselves to. he’s too complex, too intelligent, too whole as a character to lack anything, both for the good and for the bad. i like to think that maybe amortentia (aka the entirety of his early life experiences) left him dissociated and unable to *understand* his feelings in general and love in particular. maybe he didn’t dare to love anyone. maybe he dared once.
i like to think this way because the way jkr characterizes is nothing short of a disgrace.
the question people ask me the most is precisely this, if i think i’m giving voldemort much more depth than the author actually intended in the first place. my answer is always the same - yes, of course i do. voldemort is beautiful the way i imagine him, as a real plausible person, as a deeply flawed and multifaceted and scarred human being who turned to darkness in search for a home and a reason and that had ultimately found one, as terrible as it was. he certainly deserved more, from a literary point of view. yet i understand it was convenient and safe for jkr to only ever play with his godly, evil, black and white facade.
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PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 34
💖 first time reader click here 💖
A little bit of plot, but mostly ironstrange x reader filthy porn. Bukkake stuff. Stephen finally opening up a lil bit, I mean... I've slept through a 1/3 of a hospital and lemme tell you, doctors are kinky bastards. On the same note, there's definitely going to be a chapter where all three men are involved after the plot shit is resolved.
There was something big brewing. I had a hunch... which was more like a strong sense of doom... hanging over me and the rest of the world. Peter also had noticed the sudden spike in anxiety, quoting the sudden disappearance of many low-tier mutants from the streets. Usually, Peter dealt with at least a few enhanced enemies during his patrols but the closer it got to Christmas, the less enhanced bothered with small-time crimes, the more intense the buzzing of his Spidey sense became.
Now that my immediate lack of income wasn't a problem anymore, I set business onto that damn mercenary. I was no spy, I was no SHIELD operative but... I could be very clever.
First things first, I had to make sure I would stay alive no matter what. A subdermal tracker was a good guarantee of security and I spent many hours making one - having to keep it a secret was incredibly hard, I hated lying to my loves and I hated avoiding Wanda even more - I was constantly on the edge around the telepath, hyperfocused on keeping up the pretense of normalcy.
I wouldn't be me if I couldn't successfully pull off a whole ass façade. Unfortunately, the continued failures of the people searching left and right for the mercenary only fueled my strength for the inevitable fuck-fest that I would have to create in order to make sure my people get the peace they fucking deserve. The web of lies grew in size every damn day.
Subdermal tracker, an implant that reports directly to Friday upon activation. It hurt like a bitch - I had cut myself open, an inch wide gash on the inside of my forearm - and put it in without any anesthesia in my own bathroom, not even thinking twice before making up a lie that I had been careless in the lab and hurt myself.
An antidote to common tranquilizers, creating it gave me a headache the size of Moscow but I'd been successful; Tony assembled the whole team when he found it out, offering me a ridiculous amount of money for the formula. It was weird. SHIELD was interested, too, and I had to witness Tony and Coulson argue. Apparently, the agency wanted to recruit me and Tony was adamantly against it, totally forgetting the promise Natasha had given me. In the end, the spy and Coulson shared a quiet conversation and the man left, respectfully complimenting my skills.
I sold the formula to Stark Industries, unable to get rid of the weirdness of the situation. I had to shake hands with my own boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend... In a business setting. What. Just what. Bucky and Stephen couldn't stop laughing at the face I made all throughout that day - and Clint even went as far as to bake me a gag cake, a cartooney handshake drawn in frosting on top of it. I hit him with a spatula, Loki smiled in his direction for the first time in, like, ever. It was a trip and Tony had way too much fun with the incident.
Perhaps, turning myself into a cyborg stew wasn't the best plan that was possible to think up in a few weeks' time but I've never claimed to be exceptionally intelligent; if anything, I've always considered myself to be a moderately educated idiot. It is common knowledge that there are two halves of a whole idiot: my second half was on his way from California, having had received my very detailed e-mail about the whole cursed box fiasco and the consequences that followed. I could barely contain my excitement at the prospect of seeing uncle Eddie and his symbiote again.
Tony wasn't even half as excited; if anything, he bordered on outright hostile, bickering, and sassing everybody left and right. It could have been the situation at hand finally getting on his last nerves. It could have been his jealousy, the same that appeared every time I paid extra attention to someone that wasn't him, Bruce or Stephen. Either way, Bruce was sighing all the time now and Stephen's remarks began to fill with poison once again.
Just like the good old times, I guess. I was forced to pull a Me over and over, interrupting their petty arguments with increasingly absurd remarks. I felt like everybody was laughing at me these days, which ended in only one way it could have...
"Brat," Stephen's patience was paper-thin and, being forcefully distracted from yelling at Tony, he directed his angst at the nearest person - me. "I oughta put you over my knee. I swear to Cosmos..."
"Blah, blah, blah. Don't you ever get tired of listening to yourself talk?" I raised my eyebrows, tone deceptively calm. "You're talking too much for someone who can't even..." I didn't get to finish my sentence, suddenly finding my mouth firmly glued shut. It was magic - the sensation was pulling, but not unpleasant. Reminded me of a ball gag Tony had used on me in the early days of our relationship.
"Now, Dumbledore, hold your horses..." Tony interjected looking none-too-happy. The engineer placed a warning arm on the sorcerer's bicep, their little spat seemingly forgotten.
"What, Tony? She's been nothing but a mouthy urchin the past few days, I can't stand it anymore," They shared a meaningful look; no matter how much Tony wanted to argue, he knew Stephen was right. What he didn't know was that there probably have been a magic versus science altercation... Or worse. Humiliation was a small price to pay for some (relative) peace.
I did what I do best. I annoyed them further, throwing up a juicy middle finger to the two men and turned around with a huff, mind set on finding Loki to undo the mute ban Stephen gave me. Needless to say, I didn't make it very far.
In mere seconds, I was sandwiched between the two men, Stephen's finger delicately holding my chin to force me to look into his eyes. Tony was holding onto my shoulders from behind me - I could feel the tension, my engineer was almost buzzing with it. I was pretty sure my eyes were laughing anyway because Stephen's frown slowly transformed into a coy smirk once his stormy blues focused on my face.
"Brat," He repeated once again. "She's doing this on purpose."
"I can't say I'm surprised," Tony's breath tickled the nape of my neck. "That does sound like our little Princess," Apparently, it took all of a 0.1 second for Tony to switch from annoyed to horny. Men, they were so easy to play. "Baby, if you wanted our attention you could have just said so," He chastised me, hands sliding down to my waist.
I hummed, and then aggressively hummed some more until Stephen removed the magical gag. "Not like you'd notice it, being occupied with tearing each other's hair out," I pouted.
The sorcerer briefly averted his eyes, leaning down to softly kiss my pout. It was very unlikely I'd get an actual apology but a kiss I won't be complaining about either. "So, your best tactic was to annoy us even more? How does that work out for you?"
I pulled on the tied fabric around his waist, bringing him closer to me. "Pretty good, if I'm being honest. You're exactly where I wanted you to be," Carelessly, I began untying the layers of silks and cotton I had become intimately familiar with over the course of the past few weeks. Most of the time Steph wore his wizard garbs and while figuring out how to undo them was a trip at first, I had gotten him desperate enough a few times, for him to show me a few tips and tricks for easier access.
Tony snorted somewhere behind me. "You just want us for our bodies," His hands wormed their way under my shirt, brushing the underside of my breasts. Bra? Hardly know her. "Our beautiful, sexy bodies." Yes Tony, very humble.
"When will you learn, people?" I asked rhetorically, simultaneously leaning into both Tony's and Stephen's touch. "Why fight each other when you could be fucking me into oblivion instead?"
Stephen snorted, still not completely used to the at times crude things that left my (and occasionally Tony's) mouth. I had a hunch the sorcerer was holding back somewhat - for whatever reason - and I was eagerly waiting for him to get comfortable enough to reveal that special part of himself. Whatever it was, I just knew it was delicious and sinful and-
"Do you really think I will be giving you what you want after your little... Stunt?" Steph went balls out; his voice dropped and the intensity of his stare left me breathless. The hand that was stroking my face wrapped around my throat as he had some sort of a silent conversation with Tony.
"Yeah," I emphasized the word with an inaudible 'duh' behind it but obediently trotted along as Stephen backed up towards the couch, leading me by the throat like a pet on a leash. I was steadily going into 'no thoughts, head empty' territory.
"I like it when you get all bossy," Tony remarked casually but he was close enough for me to hear the strain in his voice. Every time we fucked, Tony eagerly gave up the control to Stephen. I definitely saw the appeal. Stephen Strange demanded authority effortlessly, his stern but fair attitude simply demanded to kneel.
That's just what I did. As soon as Stephen made himself comfortable on the Italian leather couch, I dropped to my knees, looking up at the man with big round eyes. Just like Tony and Bruce, Stephen had his own weaknesses when it came to moi and I wasn't ashamed to exploit them. Steph's stroked my hair, carding careful fingers through it, slowly unbuttoning his pants with his other hand.
"If you insist on being mouthy, I have a better task for you," He husked, pulling me closer towards him. I called it his doctor voice. Honestly, I don't have a clue how his surgical team could be around him with their pants on back in the day... The man was a snack on a silver platter.
Steph's erection sprang free. I didn't hesitate to wrap my hand around it, stroking the underside of his glans just like he liked it, looking to the side where Tony landed on the couch next to Stephen, a curious look on his face. Yeah, Tony liked to watch. Me and Stephen or me and Bruce... Me and Stephen and Bruce? That's an idea for later.
"Don't mind little old me," Tony smirked his trademark Stark mischief, getting comfortable, ditching his oil-stained shirt and unbuttoning his pants to lazily palm himself through his boxers. "Carry on," The smirk only grew when Tony noticed both me and Steph eyeing him with amusement.
I hid my grin, nodding my head, before wrapping my lips around the tip of Stephen's cock, relaxing my throat to prepare for the intrusion. Sweet and salty, the slit on his cockhead was mercilessly teased by the tip of my tongue.
Stephen murmured encouragements under his breath as I began to bob up and down, him controlling the pace with a hand in my hair, just the right balance between cruel and gentle. The sorcerer was always too good to me, bringing me to the point of overstimulation and instantly soothing the ache afterward; "Fuck, darling, your mouth feels like heaven," He groaned as I snuck a look upwards to see his lips parted and a steady flush crawling up his neck.
"She knows how to work a man, doesn't she?" Tony's lust had him panting, hips moving into his own hand. He leaned closer to Stephen, brushing my hair behind my ear with a tender hand. "Merlin needs to share," Tony began pulling me in his direction. I reluctantly let go of Stephen's cock, keeping up the pace with my hand as I scooted closer to Tony to be able to mouth at his stiff erection.
Watching me suck cock always got Tony hard enough to pound nails with. I couldn't blame him, I knew what I could do and did well; by the time I made my way down his thick flesh, drool was dripping down my chin and the make-up around my eyes was surely smeared by tears. My engineer was much less gentle than Steph, pounding my face without reservations.
"I know you can take it, baby girl, fuck," My face was held in his strong grip, thumbs digging into my jaw. "Such a good girl," The two words went straight down to my pussy and I had to squirm and clench my thighs together, whining at the lack of friction.
The air was pierced by a low moan - Stephen was fisting his erection almost desperately now, almost as desperately as I was humping the air, whining like a bitch in heat at the taste of Tony's cock in my mouth. I knew neither of the men would last long, not with all that pent up tension running through their minds and bodies.
"Fuck, come here, baby girl," The engineer yanked me off his cock, gripping the base of it so forcefully his knuckles turned white. I was all but dragged into the space between them; still kneeling, barely seeing with snot and tears smeared all over my face, I couldn't hold in the broken moan as the realization set in.
"Keep your eyes open!" Steph instructed furiously, scooting to tower over me. Tony followed in his steps as I obediently lifted my eyes to their cocks and then their faces; nearly identical furrowed brow expressions stared back at me, lips moist and eyes wide. Both men stroked themselves with renewed vigor.
I hummed softly before sticking out my tongue; their reaction didn't let me wait long. Strings of pearly white cum landed in my hair, on my face; I felt the warmth on my skin and tasted their salt and musk on the tip of my tongue, reflexively swallowing each and every drop that landed in my mouth, savoring it just like I savored the sinful groans that left their mouths.
"Fuck, you're so good to us," Tony panted, gracelessly falling backward onto the couch.
Stephen, however, didn't hurry to catch his breath, giving me a thoughtful look. His fingers shook more than ever but he paid no mind to the discomfort, gathering the cum dripping down my face with two fingers and offering it to me, holding them up to my lips as I gently cleaned them off. And he did it again, and again, until Tony gave a weak moan of recognition, throwing an arm under his head.
"Be polite, Princess," Stephen's voice hadn't lost the lust in it just yet.
"Thank you, sir," I mumbled, utterly captivated by the way he was looking at me. Stormy blues radiated a strong sense of intensity, devotion perhaps, that I wasn't ready for.
Stephen smiled at me, almost coyly, before kneeling right next to me and bringing me over the edge with a few sharp, clever movements of his hand. I held onto his shoulders for dear life, barely noticing Tony's reaction - if there was one - my other lover seemed to be as surprised as I was, choosing to hang back and observe the unusual situation.
I had a feeling that whatever it was, it would make another appearance during our playtime. It wasn't just sex, it wasn't making love - it was... Something. I loved every second of it.
@another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads @hermione-grangers-wife @individualistfem @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95 @gladiosamicitias @toomanyrobins @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming
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Crowley's top 13 Taylor Swift traxx
Crowley is a swiftie, I know this because he told me himself. these are his favourite Taylor Swift traxx. this is also kind of a drowley playlist cause if you listen to it in order it takes you through the drowley summer of love and the bitter break up that follows. under the cut I put some lyrics that made me go ''yes that needs to go on the crowley taylor swift playlist'' & the reason why (I put too much work in this help)
1. Ready For It?
Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him
Wondered how many girls he had loved and left haunted
But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom
2. Wildest Dreams
Holdin' him for ransom
the Mark of Cain episode when he's all fascinated watching Dean fight those demons in Cain's house. (this was definitely one of the moments that sparked Crowley's interest in Dean even further imo)
He's so tall and handsome as hell
He's so bad, but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins
aah yes, the start of the demon!dean & Crowley saga. Dean is tall as shit too so there's that.
3. Cruel Summer
So cut the headlights, summer's a knife
I'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone
Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes
And if I bleed, you'll be the last to know
here we have some wonderful Crowley not wanting to see Dean that he's hurt AND an angel rolling his eyes being mentioned (which is literally Cas at the summer of love), truly iconic.
4. You Belong With Me
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?
this song is basically just Crowley thinking that Dean should be with him and not with Cas. Dean's jeans are probably pretty worn-out too, since he wears the same outfits all the damn time (no offense man, I do that too)
5. August
To live for the hope of it all
Cancel plans just in case you'd call
And say, "Meet me behind the mall"
So much for summer love and saying "us"
'Cause you weren't mine to lose
can we talk about how Crowley literally dropped everything the second Dean called him MULTIPLE TIMES and the fact that this almost became his dead when Sam used it to trick him at the end of season 10?. I also made a drowley edit with this song (I'm way too deep in the swiftnatural hole) so I think that says enough.
6. Babe
What a waste
Takin' down the pictures and the plans we made, yeah
And it's strange how your face doesn't look so innocent
Your secret has its consequence and that's on you, babe
Crowley had this whole plan to rule hell with Dean but he had to scrap everything rip
7. Mr. Perfectly Fine
He goes about his day
Forgets he ever even heard my name
Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same
the break-up didn't seem to effect Dean at all and Crowley hates this. he also thought he'd found someone who could actually love him, but it turned out Dean wasn't capable of that, just like the rest of the people in Crowley's life. he just wants to be loved :(
8. I Knew You Were Trouble
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard, you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me
And he's long gone when he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
The first line is Crowley @ Demon Dean not giving a crap about anything, and that second line is quite literally Dean pushing him during their break up. Crowley also kinda knew from the start that it wouldn't work out between him & Dean.
9. We Are Never Getting Back Together
We are never, ever, ever getting back together
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never, ever, ever, ever
Getting back together
Crowley telling himself he's really done with having Winchester derangement syndrome now. sorry king I have to dissapoint you: this disease is incurable (ask Cas).
10 Bad Blood
Did you have to do this?
I was thinking that you could be trusted
Did you have to ruin what was shiny?
Now it's all rusted
Crowley actually trusted Dean (which says something, with his never ending trust issues) but of course he had to fuck it up.
11. Better Than Revenge
I'm just another thing for you to roll your eyes at, honey
You might have him, but haven't you heard?
I'm just another thing for you to roll your eyes at, honey
You might have him, but I always get the last word
this is Crowley @ Cas (especially since Dean gave the first blade to Cas instead of him). Cas also rolled his eyes at him multiple times so that's canon.
12. Look What You Made Me Do
I don't like your little games
Don't like your tilted stage
The role you made me play
Of the fool, no, I don't like you
I don't like your perfect crime
How you laugh when you lie
You said the gun was mine
Isn't cool, no, I don't like you
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!
the only song on the list that isn't drowley related, because honestly this just SCREAMS Crowley when Rowena returned to me. also the ''I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me'' line since Rowena is what sparked Crowley's trust issues in the first place.
13. Speak Now
Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out
Of the church at the back door
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out
And they said, "speak now"
I think everyone agrees that Crowley does karaoke at the destiel wedding and sings this song.
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Talk less, smile more (LMM/reader)
Chapter 1
Warnings: swears, smut implied
Author's note: It's my first ever fic, so be kind lol. Anyways, if you'd like, leave some feedback, I want to know where I can improve
"You know me, you know I am the most bothersome blabbermouth, the very queen of ramblings without an end, princess of procrastination and empress of making a fool out of myself in every possible way known to humans and even aliens, but believe me when I tell you, sis, at Maya's wedding, that night, that beautiful night, I was at a loss for words. I mean, I was my regular self for a while, but then... Dear God, I was so happy I fell silent."
"Oh, please tell me you ended up screwing each other's brains out. Y/n, your endless frustrated rants made you sound like a horny Mrs Andrews, from middle school. Remember her?"
"I'm gonna take that as a compliment, I really loved that woman. Crazy as a stoned baboon, but a charming teacher nevertheless. Anyway, it's a long story, and I'll tell you everything, but you need to let me do my shit and take the long, winding road to the end.”
"I know, but tell me, I can hardly wait to know... Is he hot? With a chiseled jaw and, I don't know, a Greek god's body? What was it like? Hot and heavy like a passionate quickie in the hotel's bathroom or like a romantic slow-burning flame?"
"Damn, calm down, Let me-"
"I want every single detail, starting from the size of his-"
"Stop! Please, let me start from the top.”
"Fine, but-"
“Yes, I will make sure to include every sordid detail, I promise. But you will have to wait until tomorrow. Certain things cannot be told over the phone. Okay? See you tomorrow. Usual table at Antonio's?" "Oh, so there are filthy details! And of course, I'll pick you up at seven.”
"Perfect"
"Don't be late, or-"
"Or you will slap me with Antonio's menu when I least expect it, I know. Don't worry. I'm dying to tell you the whole story."
"Ok. I love you, even if you're a fucking mess of a sister"
"I know. Love you too. G'night"
"Night".
You put the telephone down and you let yourself fall on the bed. You hoped to hear him chuckle against your lips, once again, in your dreams. -
The next morning flew by, between work and the frequent flashes of his face buried between your legs, while his eyes scanned all your movements looking for the spots that would leave you breathless. And God knows he found them. You desperately tried to set the thought of him aside, forcing your gaze to stay focused on the screen. At some point during the morning, between a yawn and a contemptuous glance from your boss, you felt your phone buzz from inside your bag. Your heart skipped a beat.
*Asked Maya for your number. I finally found you. You can't rid yourself of me that easily. Btw I have the answer to your question: I would definitely be a wombat. I hope to see you soon.* *-Lin*
“Oh, shit,” you thought “I’m fucked. Really, really fucked”.
It's not that you didn't want him to find you; you knew that sooner or later the aura of mystery you had created around you would disappear. But that's beside the point. You're scared. Scared of the insane amount of passion, of sheer pleasure, of intimacy that you shared that night. This isn't just another random one-night stand. That's a hell of a lot more than that. And you're afraid of its consequences. You tried to compose yourself, inhaling and exhaling slowly, as all your mindfulness podcasts have told you to do.
“Hi wombat, happy you found me. Hope you’re ok. Ps. You know wombats poop cubes, right? I just googled that. -Your cockatoo.”
“Yes! Which is why I love them! Are you free on Saturday? Wanna grab dinner?”
"Of course you knew that. Nerd. Btw, I don’t know. Have to check my very-busy-woman schedule. I'll get back to you.”
“Liar.”
"OK, fine, I just wanted to sound like a grown-up. I want pizza though. And some dessert. Ice cream or waffles. Or you.”
"Sounds like a perfect night to me. Bring your brightest smiles, please. I miss them.”
“Will do. Now, let me do my very annoying grow-up stuff, my boss already hates me.”
"Sure, Miss grown-up. But if I were your boss I'd question my sanity. How could I hate such a wonderful human being, whose smile I'm sure it's lighting up the whole fucking city? I know 'cause I can see it from here."
"Stop it, you creep. But I am smiling, thank you. You've made my office hours less of a bore."
"Any time. See you on Saturday :))))"
Yep. You're fucked.
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I know you'll probably disagree with me, but i rlly hate the Cloud recessess ending. It's just....
Those elders killed wwx. The Lans were 100% ready to murder both at Qiongqi path but also at the siege. They see him as the guy who corrupted their precious jade. They all preach righteousness, but the whole madam Lan thing is iffy at best and i do not believe that everyone there fully believes the rules. Hell, i have a special bone to pick with the " do not gossip" rule, seeing as gossip had been the main info route for women in patriarchal societies.
I just don't think that after wwx killed Lans in the siege they'd be all that willing to forgive him and take him in w open arms. The juniors and kids love him, yes, but people who saw the war....
Not to mention the whole " do not speak to WWX " rule. I've seen ppl say it's a joke but it's On The Wall. It's supposed to be followed. Even if it was intended as a joke - which i don't believe - it's very cruel for someone w rejection and trust issues.
I also hate it from a very personal perspective. I see Wwx as ND, and, as an ND myself, all those rules terrify me. From the no running and the proper posture ones, i can pretty well imagine they forbid stimming. The Lan curfew would fuck anyone with insomnia and there's smth deeply ucked up abt the " do not grieve in excess". I get that they're supossed to be a paragon of the best things at all time, and that LJY is very UnLan like, but for someone w anxiety who CAN'T follow those rules, it would be a nightmare.
...Some points:
First, the Lan elders did not kill WWX, nor did they attack him unfairly. They weren’t looking at him as the man who corrupted LWJ, either, or at least that wasn’t their primary concern (I will never forgive CQL for suggesting they were or it was); they were looking at him as a traitor to the sects who was raising an army to destroy them. Remember, that is the information the Lans had. Every source they had except for LWJ (who the people he would have gone to would have known was biased and who presumably everyone knew had recently been in close contact with WWX where he could have been manipulated or enchanted in some way), sources which included multiple sect leaders (one of whom was WWX’s brother) and LXC’s dear friend, swore up and down that WWX was a major threat, and let’s face it, WWX didn’t do much to dissuade people from thinking that! Acting like the Lans were maliciously targeting WWX is doing them something of a disservice, I’d say. They acted based on the knowledge they had available; note how the Lans are the first to offer WWX their help once they’re given reason to believe he may not be a villain! And even aside from that, saying they killed WWX (and not JGS and JGY’s manipulation or JC’s army) feels a bit like scapegoating, honestly. Of the four sects, the Lans are quite possibly the least responsible for WWX’s death. If it would hurt him to live with or around anyone who held any responsibility for his death his only option would be to live as a hermit, which would be far worse for him. And yeah, the Lans aren’t perfectly righteous all the time and some morally dubious things have been done by Lan sect members; they’re human, after all! Some of them will only be as moral as their sect leader demands they be! That doesn’t mean the sect as a whole is bad, especially with LXC, LQR and LWJ in charge. Certainly I’d say they’re still better than the other sects, all things considered. One ambiguous situation that may or may not have involved some members of the previous generation doing some fucked up shit doesn’t mean WWX would for sure be mistreated!
As for gossip... there’s a difference between sharing information and gossiping. There’s no evidence that the Lan women are blocked from... y’know, freely communicating and sharing information between themselves. We have no reason to believe they are reliant on gossip. Also they presumably go out night hunting just like the men? Men and women are kept separate in the Cloud Recesses, but I get the sense that that’s more like... school stuff than anything else. The women aren’t exactly locked up, they can be cultivators! The society is still sexist, but that doesn’t mean they’re kept from going out and doing things. And I need to make this clear: there is a fair chance that the rule against gossip saved LWJ’s life, because it kept word of him defending WWX from the sects from spreading to people who would not be willing to let bygones be bygones. Gossip sucks! It hurts people! A lot of this story (and more to the point the suffering of the characters within the story) happens because of gossip! The Lans banning gossip is pretty clearly supposed to be a good thing, I’d say.
And yeah, maybe after WWX killed a bunch of their sect the Lans wouldn’t accept him with open arms as if nothing ever happened! And that’s fair! I can’t imagine where WWX could go where that wouldn’t be the case, unless he and LWJ chose to abandon the cultivation world forever. But you know what else the Lans won’t do? Try to execute him. Or from what we see in the extras even dwell on the past that much. No, the Lans aren’t going to immediately forgive WWX and bring him into the fold without a moment’s hesitation, but you know what? They accept his marriage to LWJ! They let him supervise the juniors on night hunts! They consider him part of their sect! Honestly, that is all WWX can really ask and far more than he’d get from any other sect. There are consequences for what WWX did, even though he wasn’t the villain or necessarily trying to hurt anyone, and frankly people not being entirely comfortable with his presence is very much reasonable.
The “do not speak to WWX” rule may not be a joke, but it’s also pretty clearly not a serious rule. No one takes it seriously. The juniors (the only people WWX really talks to anyway aside from LXC and LWJ) only pay it the minimum lip service of talking to him off the path. WWX himself sure as hell doesn’t care! He clearly finds it pretty damn funny. And I don’t think a guy who has never liked him once again proving he does not like him (in a way that is clearly temporary given how later LQR invites WWX to the Lan family banquet with... reasonable amounts of grace, thereby implicitly accepting him as LWJ’s husband and therefore his own family by marriage) counts as a rejection or a breach of WWX’s trust? Like, LQR has literally always hated WWX. He isn’t preventing WWX and LWJ from spending time together or shutting WWX out of the Cloud Recesses or even making a concentrated effort to keep people from talking to him; he’s venting his frustrations, but if he really intended to block WWX from taking part in life in the Cloud Recesses he would’ve done a hell of a lot more than just make a rule who no one WWX likes follows anyway. It’s a temper tantrum, that’s all, and clearly that’s what WWX takes it as. I mean, if nothing else you can’t ban people from talking to the sect heir’s spouse indefinitely. That’s just not sustainable.
As for the rules... banning people from running in the Cloud Recesses and demanding proper posture during lessons doesn’t suggest to me that they wouldn’t allow stimming? ‘No running’ at least is a common rule... most places. It’s distracting, and can be dangerous. And the rule about sitting properly doesn’t mean “Don’t move at all ever”; it means... well, “sit properly”. Don’t slouch or sprawl across the floor. I see no reason why that wouldn’t preclude means of stimming that wouldn’t be disruptive (and given this is in a classroom environment “not disruptive” is kind of important). I mean, those rules certainly don’t suggest that they’re any worse than other sects, and given this is the sect that has magic music for calming people’s minds if any sect would give allowances for neurodivergence it would be this one. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a song to put people to sleep, or medication that can help; this is a world with magic, after all, and if there’s a song that can put spirits to rest there are probably songs for human medicine and care. And of course there’s an element of conflicting needs; maybe the rules would screw you over, but frankly firmly enforced rules keeping people from running around or sprawling out of their seats would’ve been a godsend for me in school, given how much trouble I had focusing with people making noise around me. At the end of the day, is it guaranteed that the Lans would make allowances for people with needs that conflict with the Lan rules? No. But I’d argue it’s more likely that they would than any other sect. This is ahistorical fantasy ancient China, too; you can only expect so much in the mental health department. Still, a sect that literally invented magic music for calming the mind actually seems like the best choice for people with anxiety and such. There’s a reason why there are multiple fics that essentially set the Lans up as mental health experts in the setting!
Basically, a lot of your arguments seem to be issues that WWX would have in any sect. Unless he wanted to give up on the support of a sect altogether, they’re all things that he would have to work through or come to terms with. And of course... the most important point is that WWX is happy in the Lan sect. The extras make that clear. He has a home, duties that he enjoys performing, the love of his family and the support of his sect. He’s happy. I just... I do not understand why people keep feeling the need to try to make it angsty when the novel makes it clear that he genuinely enjoys his life in Gusu, and more than that that if he ever decided he didn’t enjoy it he could leave at any time. You have to remember that: if WWX wanted to leave... he would. He and LWJ would just go, and only come back occasionally so that LWJ could visit his home. Hell, LWJ would insist on leaving for WWX’s sake. So like... the Lan sect wouldn’t suit everyone, but WWX is quite content there and doesn’t want to leave. He’s happy and free to come and go as he wishes; there really isn’t anything to be concerned about there.
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Alright, so today’s the three-year anniversary of Reputation a.k.a the greatest album of all time, my baby, the light of my life, the album that deserved a Grammy (trying desperately not to think about the scene from Miss Americana😭), the album that introduced us to the most beautiful couple ever, the album that shut Kimye up, and I better stop now, or else I’m not gonna shut up.
So in honour of this momentous occasion (and the fact that I reached 200+ followers! Thank you so much you guys!🥺 Love you all 3000💙), here’s a loooooong post on why Reputation is the Ethan and MC album.
1. ...Ready For It?
No one has to know
Throwback to MC saying the exact same words back in Miami.
In the middle of the night, in my dreams
You should see the things we do, baby, mmm
In the middle of the night, in my dreams
I know I'm gonna be with you
So I take my time
Remember back when MC asked for Ethan to get into bed right away during their first time? Ethan told them that he had dreamt about the moment for months, so he wasn’t going to rush it.
2. End Game
Big reputation, big reputation
Ooh you and me would be a big conversation
These two dating would be the talk of the hospital, and they know it.
Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long
And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song
For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease
For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities
Think these lines are pretty self-explanatory😌
I hit you like bang
We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't
*gets war flashbacks of the ‘reset’ phase*😭 They tried to make it work, but we all know how Ch 8 of book 2 went😌
I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me
Perfect for our chaotic MC😌
3. Don’t Blame Me
Do I... really have to explain this one?
For you, I would cross the line
I would waste my time
I would lose my mind
They say she's gone too far this time
Do we need a recap of our rule-breaking MC?
And baby, for you, I would fall from grace
Just to touch your face
If you walk away
I'd beg you on my knees to stay
He was willing to risk his (mostly) rule-abiding reputation for being with MC. And there’s no way he wouldn’t beg for MC not to leave him if he ever screwed up🤷♀️
4. Delicate
This ain't for the best
My reputation's never been worse, so
You must like me for me
Ethan stood by MC’s side throughout the Ethics hearing, when her reputation was completely smeared, and people only saw her as a patient murderer. He didn’t know about the sabotages, but he would’ve definitely supported her if he had known.
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
Commitment-phobia🙃
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you're mine, all the damn time
They spent so much of time apart, not able to be with each other, so the least they could do was dream of being with each other all the time.
5. So It Goes (an underrated af bop)
What can I say... it’s a sex song, okay? Don’t make me go into the details😂 Just listen to the lyrics, and all will be clear.
6. Gorgeous (Tumblr won’t let me put any more links)
MC’s eternal anthem to Ethan.
Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine
You've ruined my life, by not being mine
We all know Ethan loves Whiskey, and the second line? C’mon!
You're so gorgeous
I can't say anything to your face
'Cause look at your face
And I'm so furious
At you for making me feel this way
But, what can I say?
You're gorgeous
Ethan Ramsey is famous for two reasons. One: his smart brain, I guess😒 Two: HIS LOOKS!!! HE’S GORGEOUS, AND DON’T DENY IT.
And you should think about the consequence
Of you touching my hand in the darkened room (dark room, dark room)
Ah, the olden days of hand holding in the diagnostics office🥺
Ocean blue eyes looking in mine
I feel like I might sink and drown and die
No explanation required.
You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah
There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have
You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad
The wonderful will-they-won’t-they saga. The frustrating hot-and-cold behaviour. The ‘We can’t’, ‘It’s unethical’ and ‘It’s complicated’. MC deserves an award for her patience😓
7. King Of My Heart
I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own
I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone
Ethan ‘I don’t believe in soulmates and nobody’s waiting at home’ Ramsey.
And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for
King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa
And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go
King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa
This could be from both Ethan and MC’s perspectives. The love they share isn’t something that you get easily. It’s something that MC has waited for her whole life, and something Ethan never knew he needed, but now can’t live without🥺
Late in the night, the city's asleep
Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Change my priorities
The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury
This was definitely Ethan throughout book 2, after he finally gave in. He let go of his previous rules and regulations, especially during the time of the attack. He was clearly affected, and once MC was alright, his main priority was her, and her alone.
Is the end of all the endings?
My broken bones are mending
With all these nights we're spending
Ethan’s been burnt a lot in the past. But all those wounds are now healing thanks to MC.
Up on the roof with a school girl crush
Drinking beer out of plastic cups
They act like lovesick teenagers around each other, like, that’s literally their description if you choose to kiss Ethan for the first time in Chapter 14 of book 2!😅
Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff
Baby, all at once, this is enough
We all know about his initial fear of his mother reaching out to him for the sake of his money. To him, MC not talking advantage of him is a pretty big deal, even though it’s never mentioned. You just know, you know?🥺
8. Dancing With Our Hands Tied
My, my love had been frozen
Deep blue, but you painted me golden
Again, Ethan doesn’t have the best experience with love. But MC changed that.
I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted
This could go both ways, cause they’re both piping hot messes😬 (but love each other anyway🥺)
The rest of this song could have made so much more sense for them if we had gotten some sort of a secret relationship storyline. But oh well, I’m definitely not complaining about the gala😌 (and definitely not believing any of the supposed cancelled storylines)
9. Dress
Our secret moments
In a crowded room
They got no idea
About me and you
I mean... pretty obvious😌
Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me
And I woke up just in time
Now I wake up by your side
My one and only, my lifeline
This is practically Ethan’s train of thought, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
As for the rest of the steamier lyrics... I’ll um... let you guys listen to it yourselves😁
10. Call It What You Want
I wrote an entire fic inspired by this song, so excuse me for the shameless self-promo, but go give it a read?🥺👉👈(totally fine if you don’t! I’ve probably made so many posts about this song that y’all know the meaning anyway😅)
11. New Years Day
Don't read the last page
But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away
I want your midnights
But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day
MC has always stayed by Ethan’s side, even when he’s pushed her away. These lines perfectly explain how she wants his worst times, and his best, the midnights they spend staying up together, and the moments where it’s just the two of them, when everyone else has left, like the aftermath of a New Years party (still mad at the fact that we didn’t get to see the gang celebrate New Year together😭)
I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe
Or if you strike out and you're crawling home
The above explanation for these lines as well.
Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere
Becoming strangers to each other would be their worst nightmares. Knowing that the other was out there in the world somewhere, but not being in their lives would kill them.
You and me forevermore
These two are each other’s soulmate, they know it, even if they haven’t said it yet. Forever wouldn’t be enough for them to shower each other with they love they hold for each other. But it’s a good start.
——————————
If you guys made it this far, then I honestly love you more than words can ever express🥺💙 Thanks for putting up with my Swiftie-Directioner-Ethan stan ass, cause I dunno if I’d ever be able to handle someone like myself. And if you read all the above stuff, then I hope you wanna know why this album means so much to me.
Reputation is perceived as a dark album, when in reality it’s truly about finding love amongst all the noise. This album, and Taylor and Joe’s story, taught me what true love actually is, and Ethan and MC cemented that. This album and these two couples (quite literally) saved my life.
The most beautiful part about both these relationships is that even though they never showed it openly, for the sake of their relationships, both Ethan(in the story) and Joe stood by the side of the one’s they loved, despite half of the people who they knew hating on them, or betraying them. And I think that’s what’s truly important. Forming a true relationship like that, be it platonic or romantic, is long lasting, and I hope everyone finds those kind of people to fill their hearts with. Sending much love, and sorry for being a huge sap😅💙
Tagging a couple of my Swiftie homies: @swiftlydarcy @nikki-2406 @dxnicaramsey @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @justanotherrookie
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How about a scene of Anne messing with Catalina in front of others but without them realizing? She keeps whispering things to Catalina to scare her (playing with her fear that Anne will literally kill her), and when the queens notice Lina is very pale they ask what's wrong and she can't say it because Anne is giving her The Look.
Oh yes. You’re evil, I like that.
-
Her heart is pounding, surely the others must hear it. Though she’s honestly glad that they can’t, she’s not sure how she’d react if they did.
The restaurant is kind of quiet. There’s some chatter around the room, people speaking to their waiters, people speaking to each other. The queens are among that chatter. Well, at least, the others are. Catalina hasn’t said a word the entire time. Mainly because Anne is sitting next to her in their booth, and the woman is making damn sure Catalina doesn’t.
Every time she opens her mouth, Anne looks at her with a certain look. As if she’s doing something wrong, it’s extremely unnerving. Again, she’s not sure how the others haven’t noticed. But here they are, Catalina in distress again and no one to help.
She feels a foot hit her shin as she reaches for her drink, and she knocks it over instead. Thank god it’s water. Still though, she jumps up to clean it.
“Jeez, Lina. Way to go.”
“Sorry!” She squeaks out, attempting to flag down their waitress.
“Isn’t that your phone?”
Her eyes shoot to the table, where the water has almost reached her phone. She grabs it quickly, then takes some napkins from their arriving waitress. When she finally sits, she puts her phone face up in front of her, determined not to move a muscle.
Her phone lights up a moment later, as all the queens settle back into their usual conversation. She reads the message on her lock screen.
ANNE: you’re an idiot. 😂
Catalina just looks at it, and watches her screen go dark. The waitress comes back and gives her a new drink. She won’t drink it at all.
Her phone lights up again.
ANNE: It’s rude not to answer your texts.
She feels Anne looking at her, so she decides to look up. Bad idea, the glare coming her way is awful. She shrinks into her seat and focuses back on the phone, picking it up.
LINA: Sorry.
Catalina can feel the eye roll, she doesn’t even have to see it happen. Why her? What did she do to deserve this tonight? It’s the only day she’s been able to spend with the others in weeks. Anne has been moving dates around and making it so that every time the queens do something fun, Catalina is busy. And Catalina always tells them to just go without her. Who is she to ruin their fun? The one night she gets to spend with the queens, and Anne ends up next to her.
ANNE: I wish Kit was sitting where you are
ANNE: she’s better than you. Guess this works though, I can keep an eye on you.
The last thing she wants is Anne watching her. But that's what's going to happen because she can’t exactly say otherwise.
ANNE: we can have some fun too.
Catalina’s mind goes into overdrive with that one. Fun? What does she mean, fun?
She needs to get out. She needs to not be next to Anne anymore. Whatever Anne has planned, it won’t be very fun for Catalina. So she stands very abruptly, muttering something about needing to pee, and speeds in the direction of the restroom.
When she gets there she just leans against the counter in an attempt to calm her breathing. Attempt being the key word there, because she is very close to hyperventilating at the notion of Anne doing this to her for the rest of the night. She can hardly handle being near the woman on a good day. She’s been stressed all week, and had been looking forward to tonight, only for the night to be a disaster.
The door opens behind her, and of course it’s Anne. She turns to look her in the eye, and just about brings herself to look at the wall behind Anne.
Anne cuts right to the chase, “I thought I told you to stop leaving whenever I’m around.”
Catalina’s eyes widen. She did say that, but she didn’t leave because Anne was there! Well, she did, but it wasn’t like last time! When she tries to say this the words get caught in her throat. Her chest is starting to hurt with how much speed her heart has picked up.
She presses herself further into the counter behind her. Noticing this, Anne takes three steps forward and stands right in front of her.
“Are you scared?”
Oh lord. Oh no.
She starts mentally praying. Praying for Anne to leave her alone, praying for this fear to leave her.
“N-no.”
Anne hums. Then she replies, slow and quiet, “Maybe you should be.”
Catalina doesn’t respond. Honestly, her mind just goes completely blank. Her first instinct is to run, but she can’t run because Anne just said to stop leaving when she’s there. But staying wasn’t an option her mind was ready for. Wasn’t an option her body was ready for either, judging the amount of tremors running through it.
“What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Sorry! I didn’t mean to! I promise I didn’t mean to I-“ she stumbles over her words, much to the clear amusement of Anne.
“Are you Angry?” Anne laughs at the question.
“Angry?” She questions, like what Catalina is asking makes no sense. Like her concern is completely invalid. “No. You haven’t seen me angry, yet.”
The yet in that sentence is troubling. And she says it as if it’s foreshadowing, like Catalina will see Anne mad very soon. Catalina is torn between asking about it and staying quiet. But then Anne speaks again.
“Listen, I’m going to say this once.” She’s addressing Catalina as if she’s giving a stern lecture to a child, and Catalina finds that she can’t breathe.
“If you ever try that again, you will not like what follows. Do I make myself clear?”
She looks at Catalina for an answer, and all the woman can do is nod minutely. God, why won’t Anne just leave her alone? It’s what everyone else does!
“Good girl.”
Anne brings her hand up to Catalina’s cheek, giving it a little pat. Catalina flinches back a bit but otherwise stays put. Wouldn’t want to upset her anymore. Not when she seems to be placated by the agreement.
Anne pulls away abruptly, “I’m gonna head back to the table. Be careful on your way back.” And with that she leaves Catalina reeling.
Careful? Careful of what? What could possibly happen in the distance from the restroom to the table? Does Anne know something she doesn’t?
She shakes herself, there’s no use spiraling like that. There is no immediate danger here. Making her way through the door, back into the bustling restaurant, she nearly knocks over a waitress carrying three plates. After being sure the woman is steady and apologizing profusely, she walks more carefully toward the queens.
And cant help but look around warily as she does so. Damn, Anne got to her.
Finally she gets to the table, only to see that their food has already been served. Now, Catalina wouldn’t say she is high maintenanced, or picky. But she definitely likes keeping an eye on her food at all times. It’s not that she doesn’t trust the people in the restaurant, no, if she had any trouble with eating out she wouldn’t have come. She is afraid to leave her food unattended in Anne’s presence though.
Catalina knows that she died of cancer. She knows this, truly. But back when she was dying, slow and agonizingly painful, she’d thought it was poison. Not just her, the doctors had confirmed it to be poison. And everyone thought it was the work of Anne Boleyn. She thought it was Anne, proving once and for all that she had won. Anne came out on top. Anne took her crown away, took her family away, and took her life away. So while now with modern medicine she knows she died of cancer, she can’t help but not be over the terror of being killed; even if she wasn’t truly killed. And the person who had ‘done it’ is sitting right next to Catalina’s food.
She sits in silence as the others eat, only barely touching her own plate. What doesn’t help is that Anne is infodumping her latest interest. The latest interest just so happens to be poisons, specifically one’s that go after the heart.
“Arsenic, mercury, thallium poisoning, so many ways to mimic cancer or general sickness. Thallium poisoning kinda looks like a heart attack!”
Picking at her plate and feeling vaguely nauseous, she tries her best to tune out Anne.
“It takes a real psycho to want to kill someone like that though. I can’t imagine how awful that must be, dying slowly and painfully. Not knowing what it was or who did it. I’m just glad my end was quick.”
“Anne!”
“What? I’m serious!”
Meanwhile Catalina is freaking out. This is not her ideal topic of conversation. The thought of her death is enough to send her into a spiral. But this? This is enough to give her an aneurysm.
“-Lina? You okay?”
Her eyes shoot up, seeing everyone’s eyes are now on her. Her heart races even faster, she grips the edge of the table tightly when Anne slightly leans into her. One glance at Anne says she can’t tell the truth. The look on the woman's face is enough to keep her mouth shut.
“M’fine.” She manages. Jane looks a little bit doubtful.
“You sure? You look a little pale.”
Catalina swallows down the knot in her throat. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
The table hesitantly goes back to normal conversation. You’ve managed to kill the mood for everyone. Great job. She should have just stayed home. This isn’t worth the stress. It’s not worth the terror and mental consequence. And all she’s done in her endeavor to keep the queen's company is make them concerned. How are they meant to have fun if they’re keeping an eye on her to make sure she’s okay?
All she wanted to do was have fun with her friends.
“Should I be scared you have this much knowledge of poisons?”
Anna sounds joking, like that's not a legitimate concern right now. For her it’s not. Anne doesn’t have any reason to want to kill Anna. Anne hates Catalina though, so this is horrible. It feels like foreshadowing. It feels like Catalina is losing her mind.
She keeps trying to convince herself that Anne wouldn’t actually kill her, but she has no reason to believe she wouldn’t. What’s stopping her?
“No! Don’t you trust me?”
No.
“Of course I do Bo!”
They’d never believe Catalina, they’d never take her seriously if she brought this up. She must be crazy, of course this isn’t supposed to be as stressful as she finds it. This fear is stupid, and as if to prove that to her, Anne gives her a look after that response. A look that says. ‘See, they trust me. They’d think you’re ridiculous if they knew what you thought.’
And that’s the truth. Catalina knows that’s the truth. It’s exactly why she hasn’t mentioned her feelings towards Anne to the others. It’s nothing, it’s not like Anne would ever really hurt her. Sure, sometimes she pushes her, or sometimes kicks Catalina’s shin under the table. But to kill her? While it’s something Catalina is afraid of, she hates being afraid of it. It makes her feel stupid. Surely the others would also think it’s stupid.
So she’ll keep it to herself. She counts the minutes until they can finally go home, and tries not to break down in the middle of this restaurant. And she keeps her unsafe feelings to herself.
-
I DID IT! That was unexpectedly hard. Credit to that one anon, @cynicalrainbows and @kiarcheo, for being super helpful with their examples on what Anne could do or say to be cruel to Lina. You guys are the best!
Thanks for the request though!!! It was really fun.
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Will you ever talk about 2x06 anytime in the future? It's okay if you aren't comfortable to do that. I was really uncomfortable and it's one of the reasons I can't get behind Malex. I have many thoughts about it but it's hard to put them all into a well written paragraph.
I appreciate some of you guys wanting to hear my opinion on that episode, but the reason I don’t see myself talking solely about it isn’t because I don’t have anything to say, but because (like you) I have too much to say.
You know what, let me do it really quickly here.
I’m about to get really blunt about the events of that episode because I’ll only be able to do it this once, so please bear with me.
M*ria, in my book, basically raped Alex. Her friend who she knows has had a rocky relationship when it comes to love from people who are supposed to love him and don’t properly do it (his father, his mother, his brothers, his once best friend who I am convinced was Alex’s first love and sexual awakening) — she kissed him.
Whether you look at it from Heather’s interpretation that M*ria was manipulating them (Michael especially) into choosing one or the other, or CAM’s intent that it was ‘about love, not sex’ (bullcrap), M*ria essentially pushed herself on her gay friend. If she wanted to show them that, no matter what happens, they would all love each other, then does that mean that if Alex has refused to sleep with them both, he wasn’t allowed that love? Would it mean he was rejecting them both if he’d stepped away? I think Alex feared that (and there’s no way that CAM would set such a thing up, let Alex reject M*ria in that way, and have everything be okay and not end up Alex’s fault for refusing them). If it was ‘about love’ (which it wasn’t), then what would’ve leaving meant in that moment? Did CAM think this through or consider it or try to understand fans’ troubles concerning it? No. We’re the bad guys for loathing and being deeply negatively affected by it. (For that matter, I don’t appreciate Heather’s word choices concerning people’s reactions either, they haven’t been much better than CAM’s.)
So what happened essentially in that episode? Well, the only WOC character was made into a rapist, the bisexual character was stereotyped to high hell, and the gay character who has issues with love and whose greatest strength (and flaw) is that he wants to see and believe in the good in people, gets taken advantage of.
I was talking about this with my friend last night, but tell me, how much better would it have been if at the end of that episode (if they insisted on shoving They-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named down our throats), Michael leaves the choice of who to be with to Alex and M*ria, thus showing his care for both of them, that M*ria firstly rejects Michael — which would show her love for Alex — and Alex, loving them both, would simply choose to walk away. You could show Michael following Alex a step or two without M*ria noticing — thus showing his silent preference for Alex and his realization of how much Alex really loves him and doesn’t want to hurt him anymore (connecting also to the talk in 2x04), and Michael and M*ria end the episode together, though Michael can’t look away from Alex as he leaves.
Had that been the case, I still would’ve hated it, but I wouldn’t have been so insanely repulsed and angry as I am now with every thought of it.
But you know what? They will never make M*ria face the consequences of her actions because that’s how ‘feminism’ works nowadays, so in my mind, 2x06 — save for the forlex scenes — doesn’t exist.
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The Heart of Mine-
Miles Fairchild × Reader
Chapter Nine is here....
Chapter Ten: The Possession
Word Count 2058
Warnings: little smut, fluff and angst
___________________________________
You wake up before Miles this morning. You run your hand over his side of the bed and feel that he is not there. You huff like a child that gets told no. You roll your way off of the bed that lays only on the floor. You use his drumset for a grip up. Once you are up, you extend your arms above your head and stretch your limbs. It hurts your back but it makes everything else feel much better. You make your way over to the mirror to see your appearance. Your hair is messy and you have sleep in your eyes. Your face is all puffy and you have bed marks on your cheek from sleeping. You close your eyes to wake yourself up a bit more and place your fingers through your hair. As you do so, you feel a pair of familiar arms wrap around your waist ever so gently. You smile at the feeling. He is much taller than you, so you lean your head against his chest and he buries his face in the crook of your neck, kissing it.
Miles "Good morning."
"Good morning." You turn your body so that you are now facing your boyfriend. Once you do so, his first instinct is to rest his head upon yours. He makes you feel so loved, so adored. Those feelings you have never felt before meeting him. You run your hands through his black curly hair and then put them around his neck, tugging it slightly to make him come closer. He smirks and softly clashes his lips to yours. You moan quietly because the door is still open. He breaks the kiss and then looks down at you, locking with your eyes immediately.
Miles "How is your back?"
"Still hurts but nothing like it was last week, why?"
Miles kisses your lips and then whispers, "jump." You jump and he picks you up in his arms. You wrap your legs around his hips and start kissing him once again. He walks you over to the door, shutting and locking it. You giggle in the kiss because you know damn well what his intentions are.
"What if Flora-"
Miles "She's still asleep, so is the old lady.." you shake your head and kiss his lips again. He gently places you back on the bed and waits for you to get comfortable before he hovers over you. "Don't worry, just relax." He kisses your lips before he leaves wet kisses to your neck and chest. What a way to start the morning!
________________________________
You and Miles ended up falling asleep for another hour or so. You are awoken by the door knob jiggling, trying to open.
Flora "Guys!! Why is the door locked?!" You look up at Miles who is already laughing. He jumps up and puts his clothes back on before opening up the door.
Miles "Sorry sis, what's up?"
Flora "I was just gonna ask if we can go outside today?"
Miles "We aren't leaving today if that is what you are asking, but we can do stuff here if you want."
Flora "Yeah! I just wanna go outside! It's so nice out, Mrs.Grose even has the windows open." Now that is the first! During the year of you being here, you have experienced all of the seasons and she never once opened up the windows. What changed her mind?
Miles "O-okay?! We can go outside-FLORA!" Flora runs to you on the bed. You haven't gotten the chance to put your clothes back on so it is just the sheets covering you.
Flora "WHAT? I just wanna cuddle!" You laugh and look up at Miles, who is trying to figure out a way to put that you aren't dressed.
Miles "Well Y/n was about to take a bath before you came in here.."
Flora "So…?"
"I'm nakey!" Flora jumps out of the bed and runs out the door without saying another word. Miles started laughing so hard that he was crying. He gets back into bed and pulls you into his chest once more. "That was smooth."
Miles "Thank you, thank you. I was trying so hard to think of a way to tell her that you are naknaked instead of flat out saying that we had sex." He says laughing and covering his face with his hand.
"Yeah that wouldn't have been good. We can tell her about that or she can learn it from school when we get out of here."
Miles "Oh my god, I just realized that she can go to school once we leave! Oh my god, she is going to love it!"
"Oh yeah she will. I know that some days are going to be a struggle but we all go through those days."
Miles "Yeah, our lives are going to be amazing."
"It already is because we are all together. Just under circumstances that we won't have once we get out of here."
Miles "Yeah...you are right babe. Fuck I love you!" He leans down and kisses your lips a little more aggressively which makes you laugh.
"I love you babe."
….
You walk out into the hallways and your face gets hit with a warm breeze. You can smell the outdoors and the freshly cut lawn.
Mrs. Grose "You two were in bed long this morning.."
Miles "We were really tired, we just decided to sleep in." He gives your hip a quick squeeze and then walks ahead of you. Today is Saturday so it is Flora's play day! She is sitting on the sofa with her dolls in her hand. One of them being the one that Miles bought her at the store in town. You almost panic but you remembered that Mrs.Grose already knows and your neck and back are the consequences of taking her outside of these walls. You walk over to her and sit down.
"That is a lovely doll, I'm glad that you picked that one."
Flora "I love herrr! She is so...new!" You laugh and caress her little cheek before getting back up to get some food in you.
Miles "What do you want to do outside today? Horseback riding, the pond, the greenery?"
Flora "How 'bout the maze!" Miles doesn't like the maze very much. Ever since Quint made himself known in there the first time you were here and the fact that Flora almost got lost.
Miles looks at you from the kitchen and all you think of to do is shrug.
Miles "Uh..okay but only if you stay with us the whole time. No hide and seek in there this time."
Flora "Okay!!!"
________________________________
Miles is giving Flora a piggyback ride in the maze while you stay close by.
Flora "FASTER FASTER!"
Miles "We gotta stay with Y/n and she can't run.."
Flora "ohhhh…"
"Go ahead. I'll be close by."
Miles "babe...I don't feel comfortable leaving you in here."
"You won't, I'm going to be right behind you. Go ahead, she wants to have fun."
Miles "Please don't stay far behind"
"I won't, I love you."
Miles "I love you."
Flora "GO HORSEY GO!" And just like that, Miles ran away. You can only hear his footsteps now and not going to lie, it was spooky being alone in the maze. You can hear Flora and Miles' laughter which helped guide you in their direction. You get to a crossing and you aren't sure which way they went.
"Guys?" You hear nothing, they were too far away and you can't run. "Shit…" You take a guess and go left. You hear a ruffling coming from the corner of the bush. "Ha ha guys real funny, come on out!" It wasn't Miles...or Flora.
Miles hears your screams and stops dead in his tracks and puts Flora down.
Flora "OH NO!"
Miles "DON'T LET GO OF MY HAND!"
Your screams guided him until they abruptly stopped. When you stopped screaming, Miles' mind got the worst of him, he feared that he was too late. Why didn't I just stay with her?!
Flora "Miles….I think I see her!" Miles ran up to his sister and saw where she was pointing. And low and behold, you are laying in the corner of the maze unconscious.
________________________________
You wake up and Miles, Flora and Mrs. Grose is standing around you.
Miles "Ba-BABY?! Oh my god, you're awake!"
"What-what happened?"
Mrs. Grose "that's what we want to know as well! What did you do?"
"I..I didn't do anything. I was in the maze and I saw something rustling the bush and I thought that it was Miles or Flora playing a trick….when I got closer it was-"
Flora "Quint." Miles' face went from sadness to anger real quick.
"Y-Yeah. He threw me in the air, that's when I screamed. When I hit the ground, everything went black."
Miles "I'm just glad that the fall didn't break anything."
Mrs. Grose "Yes well, count yourself very lucky Y/n. Quint could have killed you right then and there but for some reason he didn't."
Flora "Thank god!"
Miles "I would've been able to forgive myself.."
Mrs. Grose "Don't get so attached Miles, she's just a girl."
Miles "Just a girl? So you would almost kill any other girl like you did Y/n?"
Mrs. Grose "What are you talking about?"
Miles "You-what do you mean what are you talking about?! You choked Y/n last week, nearly killing her...almost broke her back!"
Mrs. Grose "I-I don't recall doing that.."
Flora "How?"
Mrs. Grose "I...I wouldn't do that to her, Miles you have to believe me!"
Miles "How can I believe you, you have hated Y/n from day one!"
Mrs. Grose "I am stern with her, never hated her. Y/n...I swear I don't-"
Miles "Don't talk to her."
Mrs. Grose "Fine, then I will talk to you. I didn't do this to her, I wouldn't!"
Miles "So you are telling me that you didn't do it...even though Flora and I watched you do it. We tried to pull you off of her, do you get that?!"
Mrs. Grose looks flabbergasted, she doesn't understand what is happening.
Mrs. Grose "I….Y/n I am so sorry, I swear I wasn't in control."
"Who was?"
Mrs. Grose "Quint...He must have possessed me or something.."
Flora "He...He can do that?!" She looks up at Miles who takes her hand.
Miles "Now you are scaring my sister, I think you've said enough."
Mrs. Grose "Y/n please, I didn't do this to you! I was wondering why you were bruised...I didn't do this!"
You decide not to respond, just retained her words and bottled up the information. You consider the fact that she is telling the truth because that would explain why she has been acting like nothing even happened. Why she hasn't apologized or even acknowledged the fact that she almost choked the life out of you. You keep your head down and once Miles took Flora out of the room, he picked you up and took you to the room you two shared.
…
"I think that she is telling the truth."
Miles "So do I, I just don't want Flora to think that I do because that will just terrify her even more."
"It makes sense.." he sits at the corner of the bed and puts his head in the palm of his hands. "Miles..?"
Miles "If he can possess Mrs. Grose, then he can possess...all of us." Your heart races in your chest and your stomach turns. "If he possesses me, just know that I am so sorry…"
You don't really know what to say to him. Your mind is racing a hundred miles per hour. He moves on to the bed and is now laying down next to you. You lay your head on his shoulder.
"We will get through this."
Miles "Yeah it will babe. I-I am so sorry."
"Don't apologize, this isn't your fault...let's just focus on getting out of this. Okay?"
Miles "Okay." You fear the worst and you feel like every odd is set out against you. You can only hope that you will have a future with the love of your life.
_____________________________________
@moriartysringtone7137 @btsarmygirl417
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Chapter 7: An oxidising world of a dream (Part 5)
Warnings: angst
Author notes: yes, I do consider that this part is heartbreaking enough to put angst as a warning... Do tell me if you think otherwise! (or another smart way to ask for feedback...)
I waited behind the door of the familiar infirmary, my arms crossed and my look focused onto the carpet beneath my feet. I had been ordered to stay there until Dazai came out, while he had sent men and Akutagawa to the art museum of Yokohama for a mission. If at first I had wondered if he was punishing me for my previous failure during the casino mission, I had soon realised that this raid to the museum was pointless, and clearly a trap Mimic had set for us. However, the squadron had been getting impatient, lately, and their desire to fight overcame any trace of reason their consciousness held. The most stupid of all had to be the "dog". He exposed himself to danger without further questioning, only to prove our superior he was worth his praises. He could not understand that the executive did not expect such things from him... And he would never listen to my advice.
"Odasaku is awake." The door opened behind me.
"It is good." I cracked a discreet smile "Do you need me to do anything?"
"Come in, and try to convince him." Dazai sighed "He wants to go and save Akutagawa..."
"Akutagawa...?" I narrowed my eyes, following him inside the infirmary "Well, he is an asset for the Mafia, after all... And you will not pretend you are ready to toss his power aside, will you?"
"So you agree, Ogawa?" Oda asked me upon seeing me.
"I am glad to see you are better, Oda." I smiled "And I do agree that helping Akutagawa out would be better. However... I could go myself. You have just woken up and many things occurred. You need to rest."
"Resting..." He hummed "I don't need it. I feel as though I owe someone, so I can't stay there doing nothing."
"Owing..." Dazai sighed "The one you owe doesn't even remember what he'd lent you..."
"But I do." He shrugged "Besides, it is absolutely out of question that you go, Ogawa."
"I have not been ordered not to go." I defended.
"Dazai, order her."
"Why would he...?" I frowned "I can —"
"A consequent amount of shops and warehouses of the Port Mafia has been bombed while Odasaku was asleep." My superior cut me "And you took care of every single case without my assistance. You too, need to rest."
"You'd rather send your sick friend off than your lieutenant...?" I argued, holding onto Oda's sleeve so he would not leave "I am your subordinate, I appreciate that you care about my safety but... It is my duty. Oda needs to rest, he was poisoned heavily and no matter how strong he is, he is still weakened from the —"
The executive grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer to him, until my forehead rested onto his shoulder. The effects of No Longer Human were immediate; the thoughts of my surroundings faded away, and my eyelids felt heavy with the need to sleep.
"You can't..." I protested, trying to pull away but finding myself too weak to do so "You can't..."
"You haven't slept, the other night... I order you to rest now..." He said, rather softly.
"But your friend... He... Will..."
"Odasaku will be alright." He reassured me "I trust him, I know he will not put himself in danger."
I heard footsteps getting away and deduced the man had left. He had resolved himself to let Oda go... Fatigue took over and my knees buckled under my weight, brusquely. His arms wrapped around my waist to support me and my hands gripped onto Dazai's coat as I fought not to fall asleep just yet, but I could not deny my body needed to doze off, for at least a few hours. I hated being so useless...
"I... Am of no use to you..." I murmured, my voice muffled by his coat.
"Being exhausted makes you say idiotic things." He retorted, suddenly picking me up to lay me down on the bed "Why are you still trying not to fall asleep...?"
"I heard you... Praising Akutagawa..." I refused to let go of him "Even if he is dumb... He has power... Everyone... Around you is so strong... And I..."
"Stop saying things you know I have never thought about, Ogawa... Comparing you with Akutagawa is impossible, comparing you with Odasaku is unbelievable as well." Dazai stated.
"... Am I an incompetent...?"
"The one who said that must be blind."
"Akutagawa has a good sight..." I closed my eyes, but opened them before surrendering to sleep "I am... Incompetent... Unsuited to be by your side... I don't want to sleep and be useless..."
His hand landed onto my forehead, pushing my bangs away from my eyes and making contact with my skin.
"Being useless is the last thing I think about you..." He assured me "I'd appreciate it if you had some sleep before going back to work."
"I'll leave you alone..."
"I'll bring you to the office as soon as you close your eyes, then. I swear, so now, do not torment your mind with such thoughts anymore and only think about resting well, to assist me afterwards." He cracked a smile, clumsily running his hand across my head.
"Alright, then... If it is not a bother..." My eyelids fell and my body went numb.
"... How could that ever be a bother...?"
Dazai had gone out with Oda. The two had some business to take care about, and my superior had insisted for me not to go. After the incident at the art museum, Akutagawa had come back safely, as well as Oda, and the matter was settled within hours. I leaned my head onto the bay of the executive's office. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon for a moment now, leaving only the darkness and a few stars to light it up. I noticed it was a night without a moon, and did not like it. When the world was too immersed in shadows, nothing good would ever occur. I feared this night was ominous.
"Come back safe, Dazai..." I whispered, looking away from the lights of the town.
Humankind had always hated complete darkness. Electricity had allowed us to tame the night and its fictional monsters so we could prolong our day as much as possible. But whether it was under the sun or a neon light, we could never run away from our own shadows, and I liked to think the evilness laying still within us was the origin of our tales about the night. The true monsters often — not to say always — had a human face.
Slowly, I walked across the office to take my coat before exiting it, without forgetting to close the door behind me. It felt so lonely, being away from his side... Everything seemed completely worthless if Dazai was nowhere around me, as if the reason I could live had been taken away from me. In a way, I was aware of the dangerous truth; I depended on my superior as much as I was addicted to morphine, perhaps even more, and I could not imagine once that we could be apart. He had given me a reason to be in this world which had casted me away mercilessly, and striving to stay alive was a feeling I had just started to embrace. I could go as far as stating it was a glimpse of happiness I was experiencing... I wanted to cling onto it with my whole being, sometimes forgetting that nothing was more ephemeral than human joy. There was nothing which would not be lost... And I did not remember.
"Ogawa-kun...!"
I turned around upon hearing a voice calling my name. The second in command, Yamada-san... After how badly he had tried to take advantage of me, we had rarely interacted with each other. In front of Dazai, he acted friendly, but I knew he wanted to be ridden of me after I had humiliated him, the day I had killed my parents.
"What can I do for you?" I asked, poised.
"Actually..." He sighed "I have a pile of paperwork awaiting me, but... Today is my wife's and my anniversary so I did not want to go back late..."
"You are married...!" I exclaimed, astonished.
"I never wear my ring when in the headquarters... Not to trouble her, right? But I am. We even have the most adorable son." He smiled "I met her after that incident... I still can't apologise enough for that day."
"It is too late, now. But I can overlook it, for once."
For the first time, I felt sympathy toward this man I would usually be annoyed about.
"I'll take care of it for you." I smiled back "Please have fun."
"I'll make sure to." He nodded excitedly "Thanks a bunch, Ogawa-kun!"
A bunch...? Well... I watched his back walking away a moment before going into his office. The pile of paperwork was, indeed, a pile, threatening to wither and crash onto the ground at any moment, and I sighed heavily, bringing the documents to Dazai's office where I felt more comfortable. I had been supposed to wait for his return; he would kill me when he would discover I was working overtime... Oh, well... It had been a moment I had not had a warm cup of coffee, anyway.
It was well-past midnight when the door of the office opened. The headquarters were most likely empty, except for the Boss and a few guards doing their night shift. On this floor, this room was the only one where the light was still on. I smiled at my superior, who visibly did not expect seeing me there, and took a sip of my fifth cup of coffee.
"Welcome back, Dazai." I stood up to take his coat off of his shoulders.
"Ogawa...? No wonder you were not at your place..."
He had stopped by, thinking I was waiting for him...? I almost regretted stubbornly staying there to help the second in command out...
"Forgive me for not telling you beforehand..." I apologised "There was still work to do..."
"This is not your job." He stated, taking a look at the papers.
"He..." I paused, thinking I could not reveal the truth about the marriage "... Had important things to take care of."
"Important enough for you to comply?" Dazai raised his two eyebrows "He surely lied to you to leave and have a drink with his friends."
"... Is that so...? My, I'm so stupid..." I did not want to argue and attempted to avoid the subject "Thinking I could have easily read his thoughts..."
"Whatever you are hiding, I'm not going to ask about it if you don't want to talk about it..." He sighed, resigned, and let himself fall onto a couch "To think you'd help him after what he has done to you... That disgusting jerk..."
I was dumb to think he would not find out I was lying...
"You seem especially exhausted, tonight." I noted, taking a seat in front of him "What happened...?"
"Nothing." He dodged the matter "Do you still have a lot to do?"
"There isn't much left..." I told him "I'll hurry so you can cancel my ability and have some sleep yourself."
"Please, do so..." He grumbled lowly.
I sat back at his desk and started reading the different reports. Dazai was not usually so grumpy and tired. Definitely, something was wrong about him, but I knew better than asking him directly. If only I could read his thoughts... I would have been able to tell what bothered him.
Minutes after, his breathing was regular, and I looked up at him, only to see he was gone in deep slumber. Soundlessly, I took his coat from the hanger and draped it over his body to protect him from the cold. Summer had installed itself in Japan, but the nights were still chilly, especially in an office freshened up by air conditioning. Many people had a peaceful face when sleeping, but he... He did not look appeased at all. On the contrary, it appeared sleeping brought his own monsters to the surface of his consciousness and tormented him... I decided not to do anything, judging he, no matter what, did need a good night of rest too. And if nightmares disturbed him, I would act accordingly to the situation. He had often made sure I was sleeping correctly before leaving — I could have felt it — so it was my turn to protect his rest.
I stared at him, leaning my chin onto the back of my hand. He had not budged at all and my paperwork had long been over. I did not believe Dazai could sleep so well; he was more the type to suffer from insomnia. I often wondered, when waking up, what he had been up to during the night. After granting me sleep, did he go back to his impersonal apartment? Or did he wander around Yokohama to have a few drinks? Did he bring women back to his place? The thought coated my cheeks in red and I quickly banned it from my mind. Whatever he did, I was certain he did not get much sleep. I shut off the lights, only to turn on the small lamp on the desk. The sieved light was more relaxing than the main one, and it bathed the room in a comfortable atmosphere. While my superior was soundly asleep, I took a random book from the shelf and started reading it. How to prevent accidental casualties. So this book did exist and he had truly read it. He had not lied, the other day... I felt bad for doubting him, but one had to admit discerning between his acts and his true words was a challenge. When was he serious and when was he playing around? Oda easily understood the shifts in the mood, but I... No, I could not think about his friend anymore. I always ended up frustrated when looking up to this amazing person. I had embarrassingly ranted about my uselessness again, earlier, I could not afford to ridicule myself anymore. I did not want him to look at me like a pitiful thing...
Suddenly, the coat fell from Dazai and landed onto the floor with a muffled noise. I put the book aside to readjust it over his body, but, as I did so, he forcefully grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him. His one eye was wide opened onto me.
"D-Dazai, you are going to cancel my ability..." I broke the silence, trying to free myself from his grip.
"... Isn't that what I am supposed to do...?" He asked, rather tiredly.
"You fell asleep, I was not going to take advantage of your ability while you were defenceless..." I said "Well, that's what I thought, but you are actually always vigilant about your surroundings..."
"Obviously..." He let me go to rub his face "How long have I been sleeping?"
"Two to three hours, roughly. You should close your eyes again; you were resting so well..."
"What about you? Are you done?"
"I am, don't worry..."
"Then, let's —"
I gently pushed him back to the couch and put his coat back onto him with a slight smile.
"I had some sleep in the afternoon... It's your turn, Dazai..." I declared.
"But your ability... Won't it be a bother?"
"I'll be fine, just think about yourself... Please rest. There are people counting on you to lead them tomorrow..." I told him.
His expression was unreadable, but he adjusted his position so he would be laying on the couch instead of sleeping in a sitting position. His fingers held onto his coat and brought it around his upper body, as though he felt cold, and his eyes closed.
"Goodnight..." I whispered.
"I saw Ango, tonight. We went to the bar." He interrupted my moves.
"Dazai, you should —"
"He was an undercover agent for the government, you know...? And a spy in Mimic for the Port Mafia too..." He chuckled, a bit bitterly "He betrayed us... He betrayed me..."
"I'm sorry..." I had no clue what to say "The three of you were so close as friends..."
"... Come there a bit..." He demanded.
I decided to sit down on the edge of the couch.
"I lost him..." He finally muttered, his voice muffled by the heavy black cloth "I lost Ango... I lost our friendship... I said I was prepared to lose everything I once owned... But I'm not... His loss left a hole somewhere in me... I don't know how to fill it... Am I not pathetic, showing you such a sight...?"
"Not at all..." I hesitatingly patted his shoulder "If anything, I am glad that you could tell me such a thing..."
"You are there... Odasaku is still there too, but for some reasons, I feel so lonely..." He confessed.
What could I do or say to soothe his pain? I did not know... I did not want to pretend I understood the gap he experienced, nor could I come up with classic lines; Dazai did not need them. Dazai did not want me to say "don't worry."
"... I'll always be there..." I reminded him.
But I was not enough.
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The main problem: my mother.
Her and my social life.
She's my fucking hell. Since I was born. She never allowed me to do anything along with my father (that was waaaaaay more possessive and jealous when I was a child while now with my little sister he's all like "do whatever you want it's fine").
She never respected my privacy. My spaces. My decisions. My opinions. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion. I wasn't allowed to speak when she decided something. I wasn't allowed to choose my friends. I wasn't allowed to speak to some people I defined friends because they weren't okay for her. She'd always decided who I had to talk to and how I had to behave. She always shushed me when I wanted to say something that she thought could've been against her decision. I grew up with her ideas, with her ways of talking and acting. She was manipulating me, creating a copy of her. She wanted to see her in me. (You failed. Ops?🤭) And I was always alone. I never had friends. The only friends I could make were people with disabilities. Because others couldn't stand me. Others hated me or made fun of me. Since I was 6 (elementary school) to being 10 I only talked to people who had difficulties at school or were handicapped. I felt like they didn't judge me. And I felt like they were okay with me being their friend.
What does not having friends has to do with my mother?
Well easy: my social life was in her hands. And that's why I never had anyone by my side. Because no one was okay for her. Only one or maybe two people. And I never complained about it. Because she made me grow up like that. I had to shut up and just do what she said. In my childhood I remember disobeying just a couple of times to my mother. Consequences? Being hit. She slapped me in the face so hard she made me cry. Once she slapped me in front of my classmates in that way. My teacher told her it wasn't necessary and mum just used a polite way to say "fuck you I am her mother and I decide how she has to grow up". My teacher had to shut up while he was caressing me and making me calm down. In that moment I forgot I was in class. I must remember being in my teacher's arms and feeling safe, far from my mum's hands. I was 8 if I'm not wrong.
So, elementary school ended. Middle school started. First year. Me, still with the mentality of a child. Naive. Too innocent and silly to understand the world I was going to face. Middle school was the worst period of my life. I've been bullied all the three years.
First year: Afraid. Always defensive. But willing to be a perfect student just as I was at the previous school. It was just me and other four girls (way smarter than me because they didn't live like they were perfect dolls to keep in a house-cage) and then 15 boys. One of them had a crush on me. I rejected him. I got no will to talk about that embarrassing story. After that also this boy + all the girls made fun of me and bullied me and called me names like: horse, camel, annoying, stupid and stuff like that. I was absolutely not used to being talked to like that, consequently it was one of the first traumas I've experienced in first person, without having my mother "by my side" "to dEfENd me". First year ends and I made no friends.
My parents decide to move to another city. Caserta. Close to Naples. I spent two years there. It was a fucking hell. People there were like... the plastics of mean girls. We were 10 girls and 13 boys. Way better, I thought. Ugh, I was wrong. Boys were terrible, worse than the ones at the other school and girls? Damn, they were all Regina George. It was when my depression symptoms started, along with anxiety. They talked at my back, saying bad stuff about me. How I found out? My mother was going through my chats (without me knowing, of course) and she called me to tell me. I read the group chat. They started saying "Is Maria in this group? No? Are you sure? Yes". So after establishing that I wasn't there they started saying things like: Oh luckily she isn't. She's so annoying. Why the fuck did she came to our school? Couldn't she stay at her old one? She's so ugly and stupid. No one can stand her. No one wants her. And she thinks we're her friends! 😂😂😂 She thinks she's better than us! (totally untrue) She's no one. etc...
Now imagine me crying while reading everything because I didn't expect it.
My mother: Didn't you expect all of this? It was obvious.
Well sorry if I was too stupid because I grew up thinking people were good and I would've faced a world full of roses and love.
I just told her I didn't. Your fault, darling.
Day after. My mother goes to school and talks to my teacher about it. My teacher defends me and helps me with that and the thing is solved. But my classmates just hate me more and more. And they just keep bullying me but more subtly so that no one notices. But I was a bit smarter because I had my cousin (I will dedicate another post to this special person ❤️) that was helping me to go through all the shit and giving me advice.
Middle school ends.
I am not homophobic anymore (like my parents taught me to be). I start having doubts about my sexuality but ignore them. My depression gets worse and worse.
My mother gets worse and worse. Starting to prefer my two brothers and little sister over me for everything. I was needed just to clean the house and to be yelled at for wearing always black, being unsocial, always staying on my own in the dark, always with my phone, always listening to music, always being sad or angry, never smiling, staying up after 10pm for watching TV series or reading, not studying much etc...
(Want a hint my dear mother? I was/am depressed.)
In this period I start having suicidal thoughts. Still because of my parents. My cousin supporting me and telling me is silly and that there are other options.
We move back to Naples.
I am now 14.
Highschool starts. First year is shit because I get bullied again but I start making friends. A group of 7 people (me included). My mother says they're okay. Fucking finally.
Alessia, Gabriella, Chiara, Simona, Sara, Andreea (romanian). Fucking amazing friends. Disgustingly amazing.
My grades are low. My parents keep hating on me and yelling at me for that. But my friends support me.
In the meanwhile I get to know a girl on the Internet. We become close friends and that develops in feelings. We start a relationship. Let's be clear. It wasn't. It was just based on the fact that we had the same problems and she gave me a lot of affection, and I thought it was love.
One day my mother takes my phone, again, without me knowing, and reads all of my chats.
She finds out about this girl. I was terrified and so I confess. My first coming out. She says nothing. She goes to my dad and tells him. My dad yells "Go away! Go away from my sight!" and I go to the kitchen terrified. Crying and sobbing. We sit. Me, my mother and my dad. They start talking to me. A sum up:
I don't remember how my mother started talking. I removed it because it was traumatic, all I remember is her saying shit about that poor girl.
I say "Mum, what's wrong with gays? They're just like us"
Mum slaps me. Hard as fuck. I was shook. Scared. Hurt. Confused.
After that they start talking about how wrong is being gay, that God doesn't accept it, that it's not natural, that it's just a phase, that only animals have gay sex and that's why we humans are different from animals that must follow their instincts. They keep repeating the same things in different ways for 3 hours. I am not kidding. 3 hours. From 3pm to 6:30pm only talking about this. (Want to know what I've done all this time? I just nodded. I kept on nodding because I was afraid to talk.)
Mum deletes and blocks every number and friends from Internet and takes my SIM card and puts it in her phone so she can check all my chats from her phone. She throws my phone away breaking it.
Nighttime: No sleep. Everytime I fell asleep I had nightmares so I woke up. Sobbing. Crying. I can't fucking breathe. A fucking hell.
Morning: I wake up totally empty and with a dead face. My parents are in the kitchen. They warmly say "good morning" and ask me to sit. I sit on the couch. They ask me "how are you". My answer: HOW AM I?? HOW AM I YOU FUCKER?????!!!!! YOU'RE REALLY ASKING ME HOW ARE YOU WITH THIS NONCHALANCE???? FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. My actual answer:.... i'm tired.
I don't remember anything else after that. Trauma I guess.
I am not a psychologist but I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.
So after this happens I tell everything to my cousin. She doesn't believe that. She actually doesn't. She was too shocked to believe it. Haha, same sis. I don't either.
So, it takes a while for her to process everything and that's when our friendship starts for real. (We were good friends since I was 12. We grew up together, but there has never been an actual friendship because of how I was as a child. A pretty horrible child.) She starts helping me with my mother and all the stuff. We start getting closer and closer as time goes by and as my mother keeps being a bitch.
Second year of highschool.
My fucking favourite. It was such a good time. My grades weren't the best, my depression was fucking me up more than ever, my anxiety was kicking me out, but.. I had my friends. With a new entry. Simona. Yeah another one. Alessia changes school. So it's still 7 of us.
I swear if it wasn't for my friends that year and my cousin. I would've killed myself. Going back home from school everyday was basically going back to hell every fucking day.
dude: go to hell
me: awww where do you think i came from honey?
Then... that summer comes. Summer 2018.
I argue with my friends because of my parents, giving them the fault of everything. I keep them away from me. My mother gets even worse. She's against me like I am her enemy. She yells at me for everything. Every single thing.
me: *wakes up*
mother: WHY DID YOU WAKE UP GO BACK TO SLEEP AND SLEEP PROPERLY LIKE A LADY YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
She separates me from my cousin because she talked back at her (after she said bad things about my cousin's mother at her face) and here, another trauma. She calls me whore, liar, bitch because I didn't defend her like my cousin did with her mother (sorry but i hate you bitch). She says it's all my fault because I told my cousin everything about the bad things she did to me. That day goes away and my mother calms down and says it's not my fault but my cousin's because she's a bitch. I have no chance to talk to her for a month then we finally meet when my mother isn't at home. Since then we talk without no one of my family knowing. (It will be 3 years this summer, she never knew we do. How stupid can she be thinking I wouldn't talk to my favourite person ever because she said so).
September comes. Back to school. Third year. No friends. Low grades. No will to study. No will to live. But my cousin has my back. She keeps me alive, in fact I tried to kill myself multiple times. I failed. (Now I'm happy I didn't.) I pass that year. Not after another trauma. I seek for help at school. My teacher tells my mother about it and tells her that I am bisexual, atheist and I'm not okay in my family.
Thanks for ruining me, teacher. I expressively told her not to talk about it with my mother buuuut okay.
Quick sum up: I come back from school, my mother is crying. She starts saying things like "You don't want me as a mother? You don't like me? You hate me?" and I said no (not knowing that she knew what I said at school). Then the evening she walks to me and sits near me.
"Tell me the truth"
I was obviously confused. So she confesses what she knows. I was expecting the worst. It ended up with me talking to my uncles because my mother was "tOo hUrt" to talk to me.
"It's just a phase." "I hated my parents too." "You're too young to say these things." "You can't say you're bisexual if you never experienced anything."
It ended up with me faking a hug and "I'm sorry mum, I exaggerated." (obviously it was just to make everything stop).
bonus
me: *wants help to fight a difficult situation*
mum: *gets to know about it* YOU HURT ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH.
also mum: *reproaches it to my face everytime she's mad at me*
Fourth year starts. This is my year. This year. 2019/2020. It started perfectly. Good grades, my friends are back.
We move again. Tivoli (Rome). I am fucking happy with that. Expect for the fact that I can't meet my cousin anymore. But of course we can chat. Secretly on Telegram. Because my mother doesn't know what it is. Also, she stopped checking my phone, finally.
So, now. I'm 17, fourth year of highschool. Here I have no friends because they all suck. I miss my friends from Naples. And I wish I was free from my parents.
Some parts are not detailed. This because I will dedicate to them other posts otherwise this one would've been waaaaaay longer. And it's already too long.
No one will read these long posts but in case you're doing it, thank you ❤.
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am i really actually That problematic holy shit ?? wow.
i mean, i know i'm more hated than not, and have a good guess that i'm blocked by many more people than followed, and that the chances of someone blocking upon first interaction is far greater than either following or just doing neither, but i didn't realize it was this bad.
i have been thinking about changing my discourse opinions and such in my about (which i think has exponentially made my reputation worse since posting, but again, upfront honesty)... but... i feel like that would just be dishonest, because i could act performative and be all "so valid so inclusive 🥰🥰" but that'd be so shallow & hypocritical to the moral values in what i post about, yeah? and anyway, this is how it's always been; i'd rather deal with all the emotional conflict than shut up, because i couldn't keep quiet about what i really want to say if i tried + self-destructive social behavior is a natural talent of mine lmao. fighting to be right yet ignored seems to be the better path for me than being wrong and having just a decent amount of respect from strangers, i suppose.
i would most definitely be lying if i tried to deny that my laugh-it-off, you're-wrong-fuck-you-anyway bit was actually how i felt; it's a defense mechanism because i still haven't moved past all the initial consequences of speaking my mind back when i really just did it innocently and didn't understand the backlash coming out of nowhere (i still don't, as an autistic person who is still genuinely confused every time i face rejection pretty much all the time, but you get what i mean) - it's stopped being surprising and i've been actively studying how to give the most bitchy "tough // fuck you too" response without suffering from my RSD and all the dogpiling and harassing, especially if the said incident is small, but this want to find a like-minded community that comes with all the loneliness just never goes away.
and, y'know, maybe my stances, opinions, treatment of others, and methods of going about it all are completely wrong - but that's the thing - i truly don't think that. i truly think my criticisms are valid and necessary, i truly think people should be allowed to enjoy things without being considered some awful scum with zero sense of regard for others, i truly think i should be able to acknowledge the reality of things that most woke liberal activists guard secret behind cult-imitating threats. and i don't consider myself a bigot for that because i'm not maliciously out to put others down. i don't consider myself some evil person against social justice as a whole just for choosing not to follow the crowd and give up what's important to me exactly the way they want me to. it's such a foreign concept to me to change my beliefs and "become a better person", implying that the way i think makes me a bad and hateful individual that deserves to be alientated from those who aren't and "know better" - but i don't and never will agree, so i won't. i'm always open to constructive criticism, but that rarely seems to be the type i get.
if this post gets any notes at all, it's gonna be people "calling me out" for "victimizing myself" when "i can't ever be forgiven and i should deactivate and never show my face again because i don't know how to take accountability ever" and honestly? i don't care. i don't care anymore. i'm on my own, i always have been for the past 1-2 years (even when i had "friends" i knew several months ahead that they would pounce at the chance to get rid of me without confrontation, which was absolutely proven right even though they could have all just left well before), and i'm never going to have a respectable reputation and i'm not fucking fighting for one anymore. and obviously the ruling judgment is that i don't deserve to be venting about it, but fuck off, i'm an emotional human being with (mostly) good intentions as i continue to learn and regardless of whether anyone agrees i'll still be here. or... maybe i won't? maybe i'll just flee to another socmed site and erase my written records here and everywhere else i've been, considering i never learned my lesson after multiple chances over the years. who fuckin knows. i can't seem to stay away from community spaces, especially not anonymously. i note that this dramatically makes me sound like a fucking criminal, as if my crime was "saying the wrong thing" all the time. lmao.
i mean, i'm lost, i don't know what you all want from me anymore, especially as such an irrelevant random stranger. i haven't cared about that before, but apparently the way i think is what determines my value as a person, as opposed to how i act or what i can contribute, and i say that because terminally-online discourse really is just so meaningless and it seems i never took it as seriously as y'all do. i would ask for advice, but i'm not gonna get a hand reaching out. i'm not gonna get any good-faith answers. i'm gonna get harassed, that's just to be expected by now.
whatever... whatever honestly, trash this post, maybe convince me to delete it if you're hurtful enough. i'm sure you can do it, you don't need my encouragement for that. just call me a bigot playing the victim card if that's how you see it and go. but i'm not changing, i'm not, i'm keeping up this defensive behavior until it works.
i really would much rather hope that this post gets buried instead, though.
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Mood
Happy Birthday to me...
Well, my birthday was yesterday but I didn't get to enjoy it at all. Ryan is out sick with the flu... I didn't plan any celebration because those never turn out well. Last time I threw a birthday party this girl Ashley made it all about herself. She tripped out on mushrooms and started screaming at the top of her lungs just because she wanted to, then invited us to her party in her head "you should come see this!!!"
That was almost 6 years ago and I haven't had a birthday party ever since. Really the only birthday party I can remember that I actually enjoyed was when my father surprise me by taking me to the fire station and surprising me with my first bicycle. I was 7 years old...
All I fucking wanted this year was to spend my birthday with my husband because we haven't been as intimate lately due to my sexual abuse and being pregnant. Really that's all I really wanted besides that donation for the baby Penguin which I got before my birthday when in came in the mail labeled with the WWF organization as the sender. That's never a problem; receiving gifts before my birthday. I only care that I don't receive gifts on Christmas or in Christmas wrapping paper. I love my little plush penguin but I love my husband a whole lot more. I can't even spend the weekend with him. I mean we spend weekends together but this is my birthday weekend, this is the day that is supposed to remind me that I belong here and that I'm not a mistake and that I matter and have purpose.
I've been invited to Christmas parties and to Winter Solstice parties but none of which I feel like celebrates my existence. With 8+ billion people on this planet, I need to feel like my tiny little flower bud of impact is meaningful. I almost see this as a reflection from the world that I'm dead inside and unrecognized as a part of life. A man who is dead and no longer with us is very important this time of year. Mother Earth gets recognized this time of year. But Ashley... Well she's just a piece of rock that fell down that mountain and hit someone in the head. Just here, existing for everyone else to stand on.
I know this is my depressed brain talking. When my husband feels better I'm sure I'll bounce back like I always do, but that isn't the point. I know everything will be okay eventually but while it's not, I should be allowed to express my anger without someone taking responsibility for it. It's a virus. I want to blame planet Earth or God or Allah or Krishna but that's the human brain always looking for something to blame.
I don't blame myself for my mood. I always feel like I have guns pointing at me and I'm helpless to defend myself. I can't make my husband take vitamins. I can't suggest anything for his health, he's a nurse. There is really nothing I could have done. So I get to sit here writing a pessimistic blog about how lonely I am this weekend. It's my fucking birthday weekend. I can't even feel angry because I'm pregnant and on Lexapro. I need to get it out somehow. I'm sick of feeling down by one fucking silent battle or another.
All I wanted was to be with my husband on my birthday. Why do people win things so much that just don't matter enough in the long run and I actually ask for things that matter and I not only get denied what I want, I also get spit in the face by one of my friends telling me I should do something for Ryan on my birthday.
Direct Message:
"Hey, you can completely disregard this, but maybe instead of you getting something for yourself, you can get something for Ryan. I know it's not perfect, and you're completely entitled to your anger, but it's just a thought"
In response to a post I wrote complaining that Ryan wanted to give me money so I could go shopping to replace his absence. 😭😭😭 I felt like throwing a tantrum. I hate this society. I do and have done things for other people my entire life. Here I am trying to make a life for myself and care about myself for once and I get all this backlash from my environment that I'm not putting out or helping other people enough and that's why I deserve this lonely birthday. Fuck you planet Earth. I'm killing you in my story. You're an asshole to me. You have been from the get go. Everything I have now is because of ME! and my hard work on all the mental damage you did. I deserve better.
I won't help you anymore until I see you working on your own darkness. Stop dumping it all on me. You created this mess, now take some responsibility for it mom and dad... Whatever that means... they weren't parents... they were assholes. I mean my dad killed himself and ran away and couldn't even face the damage he did to me when I confronted him. What a coward. Own up to your shit people. I mean I did. I wasn't always the best person, I didn't start with breaking the cycle. But I confronted what I've done. I didn't get met with love and forgiveness. But that's the point of actually caring about what you did to somebody. You're not going to want to complain about how they react. You can't, you damaged them. This is concerning my ex-husband. I was extremely verbally abusive to him calling him stupid and all sorts of names well kind of like my father used to do to me. That's no excuse, though.
I faced the consequences, I dealt with them and now I'm trying to move forward. I haven't been in that relationship in seven years so I don't know why I'm still paying for it while that sociopath gets clean away from it. I'm sick of fighting your demons for you. Go fight your own God damn demons.
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*sails in* soooo if you're still taking prompts *waggles eyebrows* Can I get cutesy Maurauders + Lily shenanigans? Idek what kind of shenanigans, but preferably pre-ship mutually pining wolfstar & pre-ship banter Jily. I was gonna ask for angst but then I realized that my poor heart Can't Take It.
no angst, she says
sorry this took me forever babe
read it on ao3 here
James and Sirius are, with their usual propensity for very bad timing, having a Standoff.
Peter knows this because James has actually finished his homework on Cheering Charms, despite his continued and vociferous objections when the assignment was announced in class. This, naturally, means that James will have an excuse to be best friends with Remus and ignore Sirius; ergo, Remus will be quite obviously too happy to be included to worry overmuch about Gryffindor Tower’s resident drama queen. In sum (and here’s what Peter’s good at; not charms, but people) - in sum, this means that Peter will be stuck entertaining Sirius Arsing Black while pretending that he wouldn’t rather be literally anywhere else.
That’s the thing about the four of them; they’re really only friends sometimes, and how many friends each of them has varies based on the day and its succession of probabilities; minimum none, maximum three, with Remus, to his astonishment, holding the candle for the highest calculated mean.
Remus must be the easiest to get along with; he’s quiet and unassuming and mostly just astonished to have friends. It works, of course, for James and Sirius, who probably get off on being adored, but not Peter. Peter is content to watch.
Does that make him strange?
He wonders this, as Sirius places another card on top of the already-precarious house of Exploding Snaps Cards. As a rule, the sharper Sirius’s fragile construction’s angles, the more brassed off he is, and today the cards are nearly vertical. Peter is aware, distantly, that he’s going to win, and that this will sour Sirius’s mood further. He wonders if he can Incendio his own stack without Sirius noticing.
He probably can. Sirius isn’t a watcher, like Peter, which brings him back to the point, as he nudges his wand inside his pocket and then darts back before the cards explode spectacularly in his face. Peter doesn’t, actually, think it’s strange. Really, he sometimes thinks he’s the most Gryffindor of them all; he’s good at losing himself and being brave for others - at looking at the bigger picture, at realizing that some things are more important than his own insecurities.
This also has the consequence of making him the most valuable Marauder. James and Sirius are too flashy to be of much pranking use; Remus not daring enough - so it falls to Peter to mastermind, to use the genius that surrounds him to bring pranks to life.
This is why James and Peter are friends. Sirius and Peter are friends because Peter takes slightly less bullshit from him than James does. Remus and Peter, however -
Remus and Peter are friends because of the boggart assignment.
Remus and Peter are friends because Peter knows about Remus and the full moon, and Remus knows about Peter’s Muggle dad, and they very particularly don’t talk about it and instead tell each other the locations of their private Honeydukes stashes.
(They are also friends because when Peter, watching as always, saw the way Remus stared at Sirius like he was the star he was named for, he just offered him an Acid Pop - one pain to distract from another.)
Peter realizes with a dawning self-awareness that Sirius may not, in fact, be the most dramatic of their lot. Then again, thirteen though they may be, they are simultaneously much older with experience and much younger with the giddy freedom Hogwarts provides - all except for James, who knows what it is to grow up happy, who actually looks forward to summer hols.
(In two years, Sirius will get absolutely sloshed on nicked Firewhisky and admit to Peter, slurred and soft, that no, I wouldn’t trust myself with one of them little buggers, the whole bloody world knows I’m too much like that - that - absolute tit of a Mum I’ve got, but really Peter, one day you ‘n James 'n Remus 'n especially James are going to raise a whole host of brats, and you bet I’m gonna be there to treat them right -
Peter will carefully omit the fact that Remus once told him something very similar, in the lofty tones he gets after the moon when he’s too tired to soften his speech - I’d never wish that kind of - that fucking wolf - on a kid, Peter, I couldn’t -
Good thing you’re bent as Wagnar the Wild’s cursed dick, then, Peter will say, just to make him laugh, even though it’s not, strictly, true. Remus will smile anyway.)
Pain and love and heartbreak, which are all the same thing; prank plans and maps that melt back into their parchment - Peter keeps these close to his chest, guarding them because they belong to his friends. He’s always been their Secret-Keeper, and Merlin knows they need one, these boys with brazenness hanging around their shoulders like tattered Quidditch cloaks, who wouldn’t know subtlety if it was printed on Snape’s gray underpants.
Right now, for example, the night of October 30th, that brazenness is in full force - right now, James and Sirius are having a Standoff, and Peter holds the secret behind this too.
He’d like to think that this one is a little more painless than the others, but where Snivellus is involved, that’s never true. Slimy Snape, however, isn’t the secret this time - it’s his friend with the blazing hair and attitude and the heavy, heavy chip on her shoulder.
(Peter thinks distantly that his friends should have better taste.)
“Now that Prince James has condescended to grace us with his presence - ”
“I was helping Evans with her detention, fuck off - ”
“ - and has perhaps remembered who his real friends are - ”
“Sirius, I swear on Merlin’s saggy fucking tits - ”
“Language,” says Remus, idly. “Are we going to start or not?” Peter meets his eye, rewards him with a sympathetic eyeroll for speaking up.
“We might have an hour ago if James hadn’t run off with some - ”
“Jealousy is unbecoming,” Remus starts -
“As if you’ve ever had to deal with being jealous - ” Sirius says, immediately. Peter winces, and Remus colors, shutting his mouth audibly.
Peter chooses this moment to clear his throat. “Three cheers for Sirius, who got the mass release charm working,” he says, raising his voice, because flattery always smooths things over. The teachers think he worships the other three, but that’s not quite true; he’s just more willing to concede. Less stubborn pride, a bit more sense. “Did we decide on Dungbombs or Smokebombs?” he asks, opening the floor.
With a - thank Merlin - minimum of whinging, the annual Halloween Prank Planner’s Meeting Number Four is set back on track.
James makes a lot of hand gestures. Sirius makes a lot more hand gestures, most of which are more crude. Remus pokes at places on a map of the castle with his wand, letting it spark each time he does. Sirius yells a little, James yells quite a lot, and Remus yells not at all.
Peter watches, and decides.
It’s always worked for them, and it will this time as well. Without too much broken glass, and less ripped curtains than last year, the plans are set.
The evening of the Halloween feast is crisp and clear; they watch the artificial sky closely for rain, but Fortune has conceded to favor their audacity. It’s the first year they’ve tried anything bigger than the Gryffindor common room, and Peter can see it on their faces, alive and dancing. Remus has placed the bombs, James and Sirius have activated the delayed release charms, and Peter has headed off Crib, the aging Squib janitor.
The stage is set, Peter thinks, and he settles in to watch.
It is, in his definitely-unbiased opinion, thoroughly magnificent. Thick, magenta-orange smoke billows from the mouth of each painstakingly-charmed gargoyle, smothing teachers and students alike in vibrant powder. When everyone is coughing, wands lit to see through the haze, Sirius lights the powder with a flick of his wand, unleashing a Halloween surprise on the unsuspecting student body.
Teachers watch their teeth lengthen and bloody in horror as their faces dip with unnatural pallor; the Hufflepuff table sprouts fur in Remus’s idea of a bad joke. The Slytherin table (obviously) grows scales; Snivellus gets to turn into an eel, wet and flopping around, causing most of the table to shriek in disgust. The Gryffindor and Ravenclaw students sprout feathers, the Gryffindors puffing up towards the ceiling like balloons while the Ravenclaws see their arms growing membranous bat wings.
In the middle are the Marauders, triumphant with faces and robes alight.
As quickly as it starts, it’s over; students and teachers sink gratefully back into their own bodies, with the exception of Snivellus. With a little more work, Peter thinks, they could extend the spell to hit during classes instead of at the feast.
Professor McGonagall is furious, and good old Dumbledore orders them to his office immediately, but Peter can see McGonagall’s mouth twitching furiously, the sparkle in Dumbledore’s blue eyes. They’re safe, for now.
Sirius is hollering with fierce joy - “Bloody well worked, didn’t it, well done Lupin - ”
“It was you, you got the charm working - ”
“ - don’t you lot go forgetting who placed all those fiddly smoke bombs,” James puts in, not willing to be left out.
Peter grins as he watches them argue, because these are his friends and today, they’re kings.
*
The trip to the headmaster’s goes much as expected. Dumbledore and McGonagall take each of them aside, asking if they might possibly know the instigator’s of tonight’s antics.
Peter shakes his head, lets his eyes go wide and innocent. “It was probably one of the fourth-years,” he says. “Saw Bones and her Hufflepuff friends looking shifty this morning.”
McGonagall’s nostrils flare. “Pettigrew,” she says, not unkindly. “It will be better for both you and your friends if you tell me the truth.”
Dumbledore’s gaze pierces him, and Peter swallows down a sudden, bright gulp of fear. They’ll all get detention anyway, and he doubts anyone would see him any differently if he told - after all, everyone already knows they did it, Sirius was yelling loud enough to wake the ghosts -
Someone bangs on the office door. “Minnie,” says James, impudent. “We didn’t do it, we swear! Can we go, now?”
His friends are outside, and he’s their Secret-Keeper. Peter smiles guilelessly at the two, and says, “I am telling the truth, Professors.”
*
Peter is right. They get detention anyway and Sirius complains bitterly and Remus just smiles in resignation and rolls up his sleeves and James throws an arm around Peter’s shoulder and tells him thanks for not telling, I know you were scared, and Peter wonders suddenly if he’s not the only one who watches.
*
(It’s still the best day of their lives. The Halloween Prank is cemented as tradition almost immediately; the full moon is conveniently avoiding the Halloween weekend, which means they can plot, succeed, and drink celebratory butterbeer the night of Sirius’s birthday in peace.
McGonagall’s punishment doesn’t start until the fourth of November - Sirius says it’s because Minnie secretly cares and doesn’t want to lock him up in detention on his birthday, but James thinks it’s Dumbledore’s idea of a last hurrah. Peter thinks they’re both right.
Later, when the other two are asleep, Sirius will confide to him, hushed and young, I hope it’s like this always.)
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