#i can't find an ounce of motivation to actually get it done | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

if-confessions · 11 months

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Author here: my confession is i'm lying. My demoless intro blew up and i kinda can't be asked to write it anymore. I keep posting screenshots of snippets but i'm never gonna release anything. I feel bad cause there are so many asks but i seriously don't have an ounce of care. I love my cast and my story but it’s so hard to write. I've seen a lot of accounts with a lot of hype and asks but no demos so i don't feel terrible and we authors don't owe anyone content anyway. I know it's bad but i love getting sent questions and notes cause people are so interested and it's so fun to post new ideas. Once my hype dies i'll probably just create a new one cause i'm already writing a synopsis for this new story and it's so good.

Hi Anon,

I'm going to get real with you, buddy. I had to write this message multiple times because I ended up being a bit too... angry. And as much as I absolutely don't vibe with this whole position, it would still not be fair to you to get the end of my frustration with it.

So I am trying again, (more) calmly.

I honestly have been wondering if you are maybe lying to yourself when you said you can't be asked to continue your project. You seem to be very enthusiastic about the story and the characters (or you wouldn't be sharing snippets or answer asks about it. What jumped at me was: my demoless intro blew up.

I've answered a lot of asks in the past about creators worried about not being enough because their project didn't get enough attention, but very little when it came to the ones blowing up overnight. But just because your intro blows up, doesn't mean you don't struggle with all of this.

So I have a few questions for you:

Are you having this blasé attitude about your project and giving up because of the heightened expectations of having blown up?

Then you might find getting a break from interaction/the social aspect to help. Or maybe interacting with other creators outside of Tumblr and discuss experiences and what to do when the motivation is gone or it becomes to overwhelming (hint: it's often a break).

Another option is to set expectations about the project. And I mean yours. Creating a grandiose story spanning books and dozens of chapters each and a cast as long as your arm can be incredibly fun, but it might not feasible, and often becomes overwhelming. Maybe take a look at your story and chop it down to manageable bites or remove parts that don't fit.

Do you worry if you actually post it, people will not vibe with it?

In this case, consider alpha/beta testing, where you share more about the story to a select few and request feedback. Joining a writer's group or a smaller IF server to discuss or brainstorm or get feedback on ideas is also a nice way of getting confidence about what you are doing. Some community have even some sort of writer's circle, where multiple people get together and write for an hour or two.

Are you afraid you will be found out as not being a good creator (a.k.a. the imposter syndrome)?

We all start somewhere, and that somewhere is very often bad. Don't sweat it. The good news tho, is that it can't get worse. The more you write, the better you get. (but you have to write first)

Do you want a point of reference? Try reading the first version of my first game. It is cringy as hell, there are a lot of grammar and syntax mistakes... I hate it so much, so I made it public to everyone. Go roast me about it, then go read the much better version (or the other way around.

Do you feel like you are lacking confidence in your ability to finish the project because your experience with the medium is minimal, making it overwhelming?

Pause the project for a bit, and write a tiny game (not more then 1k). Join game jams to test some stuff out. Mess around with the program and see what can be done.

Did your struggle with writing come from realising the amount of work required to make it happen?

Time to break it down in smaller pieces, until it feels doable. Then take one piece at a time. And there is no timeline you need to keep...

Do you feel like you can't do this by yourself and would feel more confident continuing the project if you had more direct support?

Try to reach out to other people and see if someone would be interested in helping you make this project a reality. I've seen many projects being done in duo or trio (Harcourt, Lady Thalia...). It will be a different dynamic, but can be very fulfilling.

Are the characteristics of the IF medium something you can't see working? Does the story not work when variation is added? Is there only one path that works for you?

Maybe, IF is not the medium for this project (or for you). That is also fine!

Not everything will work with IF (hell, even inside the IF sphere, some stories fits better the parser-type or the choice-based one, or the hyperlinks one). Maybe the project should become a novel, or a poem collection, or be turned into a comic/webtoon.

~~~

Before you go on to make another intro post with your new idea on the hope that it will blow up so you can just talk about it and bounce when it becomes too difficult, maybe ask yourself:

why you entered this community in the first place,

why you wanted to try your hand at making IF too,

why this story stuck to you so much you wanted to share it with everyone,

what made the story fun in the first place,

what was the point where the fun in writing actually stopped,

whether you want to abandon a story you seem so passionate about...

Interactive Fiction is an awesome medium, and it's a shame to take it for granted...

Or you can go ahead and post that new idea of yours, continuing to blatantly lie to people to get attention rather than enjoying the medium and the craft for what they are, and toy with people essentially...

I might have been reaching there about the lying to yourself, or the fact that blowing up affected your love for creation more than what you message conveyed...

... and you might actually not give a shit at all about doing anything but throwing ideas at the wall, ignoring the rich and incredible history of Interactive Fiction and its captivating evolution (still happening today), neglecting the vibrant community just to con people for notes and attention that are insignificant in real life, lying to everyone just for the lolz...

You do you boo...

~~~~~~~~

Little reminder for people reading this: Don't send hate to people posting an intro post without a demo assuming they are like this anon. It would really suck if we end up gatekeeping a fun hobby because of one bad apple.

[old comments in tags: I'm sorry but I really don't like liars that do it for the lolz it's not cute gosh i tried to tone done the judgement on this really hard I honestly hope anon is just overwhelmed because they got more attention than they thought they would in the first place /]

#confession time #if-confessions #demo or no demo #dark side of if

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thepurplewombat · 8 months

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For the violence ask game, can I request your answers to numbers 3, 10, 14, 21 and 22?

ooooh lovely choices here!

3: screenshot or description of the worst take you’ve seen on tumblr

Oh, god, there are so many. But I think the worst and most frustrating ones are related to Jin Guangyao and Mo Xuanyu. I've seen a number of people say things about the whole thing being a lie from JGY's end to discredit MXY, and I've even seen some that called JGY a groomer, and tbh, it makes me sick on multiple levels. Allow me to explain:

So first of all, denying that MXY really did what he was kicked out of JLT for completely ignores some of the only things that we know about him from his own words (filtered through WWX of course, but isn't everything?). On Page 19 of Volume 1, WWX is reading MXY's demented scribblings and comes across the part where he is talking about having been kicked out of JLT. It is never mentioned that he feels resentment for this, or that it was all a lie - and if there is anywhere that it would say outright that MXY was angry because he was falsely accused, wouldn't it be in the private ramblings hidden in his own room?

Second of all, if JGY had really fabricated rumors that MXY had harassed him in order to get him kicked out, he would have had his own wound on WWX's arm. Which, let me be clear, he does not. We're talking novel canon here, and in the novel, all the wounds close once the Mo family are dead.

Third of all, I find it sickening because it is part of a pattern of placing JGY at fault for sexual and other violence committed against him. He was harassed by his own brother to the point of forcing him to expel him from the clan, he ended up married to his own sister - neither of those were his fault, but people tend to look at these situations and have just the most absolutely dumpster-fire rancid takes, like JGY committing sexual assault against Qin Su (he didn't - once he knew about their relationship he never slept with her again, and while yes, he should have told her the truth about why, his reasoning is completely understandable), or being into incest etc.

Actually also a lot of takes wrt JGY and sex are pretty rancid, but I think the MXY thing is the worst, and it keeps coming up and make me want to set the whole tag on fucking fire.

10 - worst part of fanon

There are a lot of fanon takes that annoy me - WWX is good at diplomacy, NMJ is a fluffy cuddlebear, LXC is a himbo, but none of them quite make me want to Hulk Out as bad as fanon JGY, who is essentially just JGS in a funny hat.

You want an uncomplicatedly and unrepentantly evil villain to pin your hate on? JGS is right there.

You want a rapist who never shows an ounce of regret? JGS is right there.

You want a monster who ordered human experimentation with resentful energy to be done? JGS is right there.

You want the author of all of WWX's post-Sunshot misery? Jin Guangshan is RIGHT FUCKING THERE!

But no, we're gonna go ahead and pin all of JGY's father's crimes on him.

ugh.

14 -that one thing you see in fics all the time

oh god, if I could have a penny for every time I have seen surprise villainYao in a fic tagged with xiyao I would be so rich. It's especially frustrating when it's in a modern AU, when a lot of the pressures that caused JGY to do the shit he did just didn't exist. With a lot of modern AUs you can't even say 'cool motive, still murder' (a valid take on JGY tbh) because 90% of the time he doesn't even have a motive? He's just out there killing people for shits and giggles and I'm like, 'You're thinking of Xue Yang. This isn't JGY, this is Xue Yang in a funny goddamn hat.'

21 - part of canon you think is overhyped

I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of a specific part of canon that's overhyped and not just annoying to me personally, and I can't really think of anything? Like, there's this perception in fandom that LWJ is a loving and caring brother who did a lot for LXC, and that pisses me off because he is the worst didi in a work full of bad didis - JGY killed his elder brother, and still managed to not be as terrible a little brother as Lan 'abandon my brother who's just killed his best friend of twenty years with his own two hands to go fuck Wei Wuxian under a bush' Wangji. But that's annoying because it's wrong, not because it's overhyped, so I'm just gonna go with a big old 🤷‍♀️here.

22 - your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

I mean, I don't think it's ignored necessarily, but I would love for more people to pay attention to the fact that WWX literally made Wen Chao eat his own flesh, and that was really gross and horrible but also very sexy of him.

Because like, a part of the appeal of WWX is that he is legitimately monstrous. He does absolutely monstrous things during the Sunshot campaign, and people are right to be afraid of this extremely powerful and unpredictable person who commands the goddamn dead. But WWX is like an example of how you can be a monster but also try to be a good person, and a lot of people strip a lot of the complexity out of him by making him a Manic Pixie Dream Necromancer who's like, a little quirky but ultimately cool, and no, fuck that noise.

Wei Wuxian was a monster. He became a monster in response to the pressures of the war and his massive pile of untreated PTSD, but he was so terrifying that for a moment while I was reading the rescue of the Wen, I wasn't sure that they were going to go with him. And I wouldn't have blamed them for a second because this is the man who nearly single-handedly destroyed their clan, slaughtered their friends and families, and then commanded their corpses to slaughter even more. That's fucked up and villain behaviour, and nobody would have blamed the Wen for preferring the ordinary human torture and death and murder over whatever Wei Wuxian might choose to do to them. At least once the guards killed you the torment was over.

But a monster isn't all he is. He tries to do the right thing, he tries to be good, and while it doesn't solve the situation, it does mean something. Wei Wuxian's story is the story of a man who covered himself in blood to save his own life and the lives of others, and then found out that sometimes you don't get to go home. Sometimes the blood doesn't wash off and you spend the rest of your days with the shadows of your past hanging over you.

But he still tried! He still tried, and in the very end of the story, he is free, and happy, and loved.

But removing his darkest moments takes so much away from the light at the end, renders it so much less meaningful without the contrast of his darkest times.

Thank you for playing, sorry that my answers are so damn long, but apparently I get wordy sometimes!

#Wombat answers asks #wishthefish #jin guangyao #wei wuxian #yep I chose violence today #LWJ is the worst didi fight me

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pvnkassbvtch · 1 year

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ADHD Coping Tip

I've seen all the tricks. Tried them all. I implemented sooo many systems and tried so hard to stick with them and nothing worked. I couldn't function well enough to begin to compensate for my ADHD. I was stuck.

Even stimulants didn't work for me- I responded to them, but if I took enough to focus I had about a 60% chance of having debilitating anxiety symptoms instead of a productive day, and on productive days about an 80% chance of using way too much energy on a handful of tasks and burning myself out for 3-5 days. The rest of the time I ended up hyperfocusing on a special interest instead of doing the work I needed to do, and forgetting to eat all day. I avoided taking the stimulant because I couldn't justify the anxiety and the time lost to hyperfocus and the burnout fatigue against the small chance of actually getting something done.

...Finally I took my psychiatrist up on her offer to try an antidepressant. It took raising the dose a few times to start getting a noticeable effect, but even on lower doses I was clearly Worse on days I didn't take it, and when I finally got a high enough dose that I could feel the difference in my mood... The mysterious fatigue and headaches I had been experiencing daily for months melted away. I had energy, I could easily summon motivation to do small unrewarding tasks and chores, the heavy brain fog that I'd become so acclimated to that I'd stopped noticing it began to clear.

So! If, like me, you find yourself struggling to cope with your executive dysfunction and stimulants aren't cutting it and you're feeling discouraged and you start to think maybe you're just not capable of improving and you should just give up- consider pursuing treatment for your depression. If you feel like nothing is worth the effort, even if you don't think you're sad, especially if you're tired all the time for no reason, that's probably not Just ADHD.

It's generally agreed among ADHD experts that depression and anxiety are highly comorbid with and often caused and/or exacerbated by ADHD. And executive dysfunction is also a symptom of depression, so comorbid depression can often be confused for ADHD not responding to treatment.

Look out for depression!! I thought my debilitating executive dysfunction was my ADHD not responding well to treatment. I thought my debilitating fatigue and nightly headaches were symptoms of an unrelated mystery disease. And then I tried an antidepressant.

I still have ADHD, but my stimulant meds are effective now! I can do things I want to do! I can choose to do things that aren't particularly appealing and not feel like I am walking on broken glass to do so! I'd been fighting an uphill battle for years trying to work around my executive dysfunction with systems that refused to stick, and chasing the dopamine felt increasingly ineffective. Now that the field has been leveled somewhat I'm finding I can expend much less effort and get so much more done.

I don't want to sound like I think productivity is a virtue in itself here, I am just celebrating the joys of being able to be effective at the things I want to be productive at. The terror of slowly losing every ounce of energy and motivation I had left is not an experience I would wish on anyone.

If you've tried stimulant meds and you're still stuck and feeling discouraged, consider pursuing treatment for depression, preferably before it gets so bad you can't manage basic things like feeding yourself and taking showers.

(Obligatory disclaimer: I am not a doctor, this is not medical advice, this is a friendly suggestion from an internet stranger trusting you to assess your own needs and act accordingly.)

#dear internet stranger #if you are like me #learning coping tools and finding them all ineffective #I promise it's not your fault if it's not working #the coping tools are way more useful when you have the resources to spare for that kind of thing #you can prioritize and give yourself permission to mess up and permission to rest SO MUCH EASIER if youre not depressed #you can do it i believe in you

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dorkylittleweirdo · 3 years

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maybe it’s just satan’s sacrificial water talkin but like,, college kinda sucks lmao

#i am So fucking tired #i'm done #i'm literally done #i can't with all these pointless assignments like #it's so dumb??#and the fact that some of the stuff is actually interesting and yet #i can't find an ounce of motivation to actually get it done #straight up i sat in my room all day and did nothing hello #i have assignments but like???#do i give a shit????#not really #maybe college is just bullshit or maybe i'm spreading myself out too thin but fuck #i just need to stop procrastinating honestly #but i mean how tf am i supposed to do that when nothing matters #i finish these courses and then what #i get a one week break before i do the same shit all over again #that's such bullshit i hate it here #i have so many projects to finish and so little time #i'm just so done at this point honestly i've had no breaks since i started #i just keep adding more tasks #when does it end #i have classes and clubs and volunteering and maybe a job and just #this is never gonna end i'm just gonna keep adding things to do until something fills the void

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tojisveryown · 3 years

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"I'm not happy anymore."

Synopsis: The JJK boys tell you they aren't happy with your relationship Warnings: Major Shibuya arc spoilers Tags: Angst Notes: Ouch. Itadori's hurt the most bc HELLO that would actually happen if he did have a love interest :(

ft. Itadori Yuuji, Gojo Satoru, Getou Suguru, Toji Fushiguro, Noritoshi Kamo

♡*.✧

𝐈𝐭𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐫𝐢 𝐘𝐮𝐮𝐣𝐢

↳ "I'm not happy anymore y/n." Yuuji's words were soft and subtle. The paining words washed away your heart in sadness. "I'm sorry." You couldn't think of what to say. All you could do was look at your now ex-boyfriend and see how much he's changed. His physical appearance wasn't the only thing that changed. His mentality was the biggest change you noticed.

"I know Yuu, I know." You blinked the tears away and tried your hardest not to let your voice crack "It's quite obvious now. Don't be sorry. It happens." You two shared one final kiss.

That kiss was the last ounce of happiness he'd feel in a while. He loved you, he loved you so much that he broke your heart in order to protect you. Every time Yuuji has someone he cares about, they're always stripped from life. Yuuji didn't want that for you. He couldn't lose you like how he lost Junpei, Nanami, and Nobara.

What he didn't realize was that he'd lose you no matter what he decided to do.

𝐆𝐨𝐣𝐨 𝐒𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐮

↳ You and your fiancé had been arguing nonstop about your upcoming wedding. The stress was taking a tole on you both. With you planning everything out and Satoru going on dangerous missions you couldn't help but feel all alone.

"Come on Satoru! It's one night. Would it kill you to take the day off? Maybe spend some time with your soon to be wife?"

"You know how the higher-ups are. I can't afford to take a day off."

"Really Satoru? You'd rather go to Shibuya for work instead of accompanying your fiancé to our rehearsal dinner?" Gojo sighed and seated himself in one of the couches that sat nicely in the spacey living room. "Is work that important? Am I not important enough?"

"Maybe you're right. Work is that important and maybe — maybe I'm not happy anymore." Gojo choked on his words. He realized what he had said had no meaning to it, he was only in the spur of the moment. However this had been enough for you to put the pieces together.

"Yeah. I'm not happy either." Gojo's heart dropped. Of course he didn't mean what he said but only he knew that. "I'm sorry I thought that I was ever a priority." You were about to disappear into the hallway before you stopped and said "I'll call the wedding off. Have fun in Shibuya."

The next day Gojo Satoru wished he had taken a day off to be with his beloved. He would have never had to relive the trauma of losing his bestfriend. He proposed to you because you mended his heart, and all he's ever done is break yours.

𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐮𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐮

↳ You were stuck. Your boyfriend whom you loved so dearly made a decision. One that decided his future. It was so painfully obvious that his vision for his future didn't have you in it. You knew this love you shared had a time limit on it.

"Y/n? Were you listening?" He flashed his tender smile to you.

"Suguru I wanna break up."

"Is this about the thing? Because if it is —"

"No it's not about your decision. It's about your future not having enough room for the both of us. Let's just end it now before it's too late."

"No y/n, don't say that. We can work it out we can —"

"No Getou. We can't. You're not happy with me, and it's painfully obvious. If you were, you wouldn't go off chasing this motive of yours. I'm not enough to make you change your mind, and I think that speaks for itself."

Getou spent the rest of his evening wallowing in the words you had said to him. He had still decided to leave praying that one day you two can meet again in another life living happily, something he couldn't do with you in this life.

𝐓𝐨𝐣𝐢 𝐅𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐨

↳ You and Toji were fairly happy with the life you two created for yourselves. Or at least that's what you convinced yourself.

Deep down you always knew that your love wouldn't be enough for the both of you. Toji didn't love you the way you loved him. It was a mere delusion that you indulged yourself in. Toji Fushiguro loving you, how rich.

"Toji." You stood in the door frame of your bedroom. The curtains were closed leaving a dim and cold room. Your husband was sitting at the edge of your shared bed with a cigarette lit between his lips.

"Mhm?" The look he had given you gave you your final answer. He wasn't happy, and he never will be. You're not her. You never will be, so why pretend any longer?

"Nothing." You joined Toji, sitting behind him draping yourself over the muscular figure in front of you. It wasn't so bad.

Maybe you could love him enough for the both of you, maybe.

𝐍𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢 𝐊𝐚𝐦𝐨

↳ You and 'toshi have been together for quite some time now, you two were only getting older meaning he needed to settle down soon. You knew that his clan would never accept you as his bride, but you wanted to stay with 'toshi.

However, things don't always go out the way you planned them. "I said I'm not happy." Noritoshi Kamo, the boy you had helplessly fallen for, thinking the time spent on him would mean nothing since you two had 'forever.'

"'toshi? What do you mean? You were fine yesterday— we were fine yesterday."

"I'm sorry y/n, you just don't do it for me anymore."

Noritoshi knew he was lying. His mother knew about you, and as expected she hated you. She saw you as another gold digger looking to snag her son away from the Kamo clan. He knew if he hadn't broken things off with you that you'd end up getting hurt. In order to prevent that Noritoshi had sacrificed the love you two had.

The love that took years to build. "You'll find better." he whispered to himself before giving you one final kiss to the forehead.

♡*.✧

Notes: Idk how to write for Nori but he needs more recognition so >:D ALSO this is unedited lmao

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haikyuu-appreciation-club · 3 years

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Hiii love💞, could I request a kurro x reader based on the song "sometimes" by "Chelsea Cutler?" It's a beautiful song, and I would love to see how you write it out!! Thank you, and I can't wait smto see what you make out of it!!!

•Sometimes•

Kuroo x Reader

warnings: a few curse words + mentions of depression, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts + trust issues

genre: angst to fluff + comfort

word count: 2.2k

hey sweetheart!!

I really adore this request, it’s different then anything I've done before and I'm excited to get to turn my interpretation of this song into a fic

my interpretation of this song is that its in the perspective of a person that has depression and it’s consuming them. It constantly comes and goes and affects the way they are in a relationship. they feel as though they are unable to be loved and they have a hard time trusting that their partner actually cares for them due to this added baggage they have.

ik the actual meaning of the song is different but I'm writing based off of that :)

this is a very beautiful song and I hope I bring it justice

enjoy <3

(TRIGGERS BELOW)

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

(TW DEPRESSION, TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, TW MENTAL HEALTH, TW TRUST ISSUES)

You used to enjoy the early morning hours. The way the sun would peer through your partially open blinds, casting rows of golden hues across your walls. The taste of flavorful coffee flowing down your throat, bringing you to your senses. Even the noise of cars passing by brought you a source of peace as you got ready for your day.

Overtime, mornings grew bitter. The sunlight became a nuisance, causing you to bury yourself deeper in your covers. You no longer had to energy to get up and make yourself a cup of coffee and the hum of the car engines just reminded you of the dreaded day ahead.

Honestly, you can't recall when the beautiful colors of this world had faded from your view.

Although you had grown accustomed to these emotions, they weren't always dominating your life. They came and went in waves, allowing brief moments of happiness to creep through. On one of those special occasions, the universe brought Kuroo into your life.

Meeting him felt like coming up for your first breath of air after a long swim. He wasn't a complete stranger but you had been too encased in your thoughts to ever go out of your way to talk with him. Luckily, he made the effort to reach out and the two of you clicked right away. You had thought things were finally looking up for you, crawling your way out of the slump you had constantly been dragged in and out of. You saw this as your time to collect the broken pieces of yourself and start over with Kuroo, but those thoughts were soon deemed trivial. After a while, your depression had hauled you back into the darkness, stripping you from any ounce of joy you had left. Kuroo had kept you afloat for longer than anyone has ever had, and maybe that’s why you allowed yourself to indulge in wishful thinking. You should have known better though, you were broken repair and it was no ones job to fix you.

Although you never opened up about your struggles to Kuroo, he wasn't completely oblivious to the situation. He had noticed your change in attitude straight away. The way you would shy away from any social situations, silently begging him to just stay inside and cuddle on the couch. The way you would take two or three bites of dinner and lazily claim you were full. The way the things you loved to do, didn't seem to peak your interest anymore. Even the way your sleeping patterns had shifted, either feeling you toss and turn in the middle of the night or finding you still sleeping in at four in the afternoon.

Kuroo was confused to say the least, this demeanor was so new to him and he didn’t know what to do. You seemed so hollow, as if you were a shell of your former self. It broke Kuroo’s heart to see you in such a state and he wanted to help you, he just had no clue how.

You weren’t the type of person to lay all of your emotions out on the table, Kuroo knew that much. So, he didn't want to force things out of you or do anything to make you shy away from him more then you already had. He wanted to be able to handle this situation in a way you both were comfortable with. So, he took his time observing your behavior and researching the things he noticed.

Soon enough, his hunch that you had been entrapped in a depressive state had been confirmed. All of your actions and new found mannerisms had lined up with the symptoms almost perfectly. Now he just had to find a way to approach you about your current situation.

Things on your part were growing worse with each passing day. You were exhausted, as if all the energy had been drained from your body. The motivation to even get out of bed had been snatched away. You were at the point where you just felt like giving up. There was no point in trying anymore and you had discovered living to be so tiring. The only thing keeping you going was Kuroo, and you felt oddly selfish for that.

Kuroo had always made it a point to care for you and be by your side with everything throughout your relationship, but why should he? Did he not realize how damaged you were? As if you were a surgery gone wrong and no one could find the source of the bleed. You loved Kuroo with all your heart but knowing how much trouble you had already caused and how much was waiting to ensue tugged at your chest.

Thoughts continued to swim in your head while you lied in your bed, curled up with your knees to your chest as you stared at the empty wall. You couldn’t recall how long you’d been lying there. Time seemed to fade away recently, the minutes, hours, and days blended together. Honestly, you couldn’t care less. Opening your eyes had been dubbed a difficult task so getting ready for the day had been out of the question for quite a while. Lying in bed all day had become so familiar to you, you were no longer content with anything else.

A creak came from the opposite side of your bedroom as the door leading in softly swung open. Your eyes darted in the direction of the noise but you didn’t move a muscle as light footsteps approached the bed. You knew who it was but you couldn’t bring yourself to greet them, it was too much effort on your part.

The second Kuroo had walked through the door he had taken notice of your disheveled state. He had been unable to see you for the past few days due to a family event that had been planned.

He invited you to come along but you refused, seeing you didn’t want to ruin the mood and you didn’t have the energy to put up a front for that long. Kuroo didn’t want to leave you by yourself but you insisted that he went and spend time with his loved ones. So, reluctantly, he bid you farewell and went on his way. The two of you kept in touch through text messages which helped to sooth his nerves a smidge, but soon enough your replies grew shorter and popped up on his screen less often until they stopped appearing at all. Panic conquered his mind and he booked the first flight home to you.

There was a dip in your bed as Kuroo sat at your side. A small part of you wanted to hug him but you stayed stiff as a board, expression unwavering. You felt a hand gently sit atop your thigh as small circles were rubbed into your warm skin,

“Hey babe.”

You wanted to answer him, you really did, but only silence hung over the room following his warm greeting,

“I know you’ve been going through a lot lately, do you mind if i help you out a little bit?”

A small nod was given, insinuating that he had your permission to continue with whatever he had planned, not as if you had the strength to disagree.

You felt the covers lightly being drawn off of your body, allowing the cool air to dance against your skin. Kuroo swiped at the hairs that had invaded your vision and placed a chaste kiss to your forehead before scooping you up. You fell limp in his hold, turning towards him and hiding your face in his chest.

Kuroo carried you to your bathroom and seated you on the counter. He watched as your eyes stayed glued to your feet, as if a weight had been attached to your neck. Although his heart ached at the sight, you were hurting more than he was right now. Grabbing your toothbrush and toothpaste off the counter, he placed a hand on your jaw and began to brush your teeth.

He continued to tend to your daily tasks, those of which you had been neglecting since he last saw you. He brushed out your hair, bathed you, and dressed you in clean clothes.

As you sat on the bathroom floor, allowing you hair to air dry, Kuroo carried on. He had changed your bedding, throwing your old sheets into the washer and pulling fresh ones from the cabinet. He also walked around your room, picking up trash and putting things where they belonged. He had even made it a point to peel away your blinds and open your window, allowing the outside world to finally reach you after what felt like an eternity.

You couldn't understand why he was doing all this, he should leave you while he had the chance. Hell, you would've left a long time ago. So why didn’t he?

The door of the bathroom was pushed open once more, interrupting your thoughts. Kuroo crouched down in front of you. Although your appearance had returned to it’s prior state, your eyes still held a sorrowful glow,

“I’m gonna bring you back to the bed, is that alright?”

You nodded once more, allowing him return you to your area of origin.

As you lied on your back, staring at the celling, Kuroo timidly slid down next to you. His body had turned towards you as he wrapped his arm around your midsection, the other tucked behind his head.

Kuroo may not let you see it, but he was beyond nervous. He was anxious he wasn't doing or saying anything right and the last thing he wanted was to make you feel worse than you already did. Despite this, he knew he had to bring this situation into the light somehow. Even if you shied away from the subject or the conversation ran short,

“I’m sorry Y/N. I know your mind has put you though hell and back. I might not be able to understand it but you aren’t alone, okay? You’re so important to me and no matter what, I'll be right here by your side. And don’t push yourself to let me in, I'm here when you’re ready.” Those words had cleared something from you mind and finally allowed you to feel. Not even realizing it, a tear slipped down your cheek. Then two, and three, until you were choking on sobs. Your hand had found the front of Kuroo’s shirt as you cried into his chest. Everything that had been stored away had finally found it’s way to the surface.

Kuroo held you in his tight embrace, placing soft kisses on the top of your head as you broke down. He didn’t mind the damp shirt or the feeling in his arms disappearing, all he was focused on was you.

After a while, he felt your voice vibrate against his chest,

“Hm? Sorry baby, I didn’t catch that.”

Your voice had been muffled by the cloth pressed against your face. So, you pulled away from his grasp, finally looking him in the eyes for the first time since he set foot in your home,

“Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you.”

Your mind drew a blank, was his answer to your question that simple?

“What?”

“Because I am in love with you,” he cupped your cheek and gave you a soft smile, “I am completely in love with every single thing about you Y/N, the good and the bad. I love it all because at the end of the day, It’s still you who’s by my side.”

You felt a tug at your heart as he gently pulled you into a kiss. You slowly returned the gesture, relishing in the feeling of his lips on yours. You hadn't realized how much you had distanced yourself from the man you loved until this very moment. Your depression had lead you to reject the fact that your boyfriend actually cared about you, making you shy away from him as a whole.

As the two of you pulled apart your mind granted your body permission to pull your boyfriend into your embrace, another sensation you had deeply missed. You sunk your face into the crook of his neck and breathed in the sent of his cologne.

The two of you stayed that way for a while, allowing yourselves to become familiar with each other’s touch once more.

Soon enough, you had grown tired due to your fit of tears earlier and began to slip in and out of consciousness. Taking notice of this, Kuroo pulled you down until you were both lying side by side. Your body had found his once more as you snuggled into his side,

“I love you Kuroo.”

“I love you more Y/N.”

There was much to be discussed but that could wait until the morning. For now, all that was important to Kuroo was being by your side, where he loved to be.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

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joshua-flipping-washington · 3 years

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EllieDina Week - Day 7: Infinite.

Oh man, I can't believe that- Well, yesterday was technically the last day! But I still can't believe that the week is over. I had such a blast, getting to write something for an entire week. One thing for each day, it really brought back my motivation. And- It showed me how creative and talented the community truly is! I was introduced to so many phenomenal new artists and writers because of this event.

Rating: Teens and up.

°○•●

Ellie was stood up at the front of the church in Jackson, she grimaced at the feeling of her palms sweating and she wiped them off on her pants. She had no clue why she was so nervous, perhaps it was because she wasn't religious and she was going to marry Dina in a church? That couldn't be the reason, that would be dumb. She'd be over the moon even if their wedding was held in a dumpster, as long as she got to marry the woman she loved, it didn't matter at all.

They had been unable to find Ellie a SUITable tux for the wedding, so she was wearing her best looking flannel and a pair of brand new jeans. Ellie hadn't had the chance to see Dina yet, apparently it was some kind of rule before Outbreak Day. And for some reason, everyone in Jackson was insistent on her following that to a T. Ellie had grumbled under her breath, not to pleased about having not seen Dina in over sixteen hours.

JJ had popped by when Ellie was getting dressed, she had smiled upon seeing his arrival. " Hey, Spud! What have you been up to? " She said as she scooped him up and spun him around. He giggled and squealed in excitement, though he was happy when he was set down. Ellie reached out and grabbed his shoulder to steady him. He grinned and happily shared with her what he had been doing, and where he had been. " I was visiting Mama! Aunt Maria says you aren't allowed to know how she looks. "

JJ seemed very puzzled by the entire thing, but he had excitedly spent time with Ellie until he was called out to get ready for the wedding reception, he was going to be their ring bearer. And he had been taking the job very seriously, practicing all the time leading up to the date of the wedding.

Ellie tugged at the collar of her shirt, man was it surprisingly hot for the time of year it was. She turned her attention to the center isle, watching as some of the kids excitedly rushed up, tossing flower petals as they went. Stopping to stand on their respective sides.

The kids of the town had been so excited about the news of Ellie and Dina getting married, so of course Dina and that big heart of hers couldn't say no to the children asking if they could toss the flowers. God, Ellie loved her with every fiber of her being.

Ellie's heart rate accelerated as everyone in the church pews began to stand up, her green eyes grow wide in awe and her jaw nearly drops, her throat feels raw with emotions as she takes in the sight of Dina, who is smiling brightly like the goddess that she is- Walks down the aisle, being lead by Jesse's father.

She's wearing a burgundy colored dress, with black and gold accents. Ellie had never even thought about that color combination looking so good, but seeing Dina in it convinced her. Dina was absolutely stunning, that sparkle in her brown eyes as she stops in front of Ellie says it all. " Hey. " Dina says softly.

Ellie cleared her throat and smiled at Dina. " Hey, I missed you, babe. You look- Fuck me, you look absolutely stunning. " Dina was the only one who could pull words like that out of Ellie's mind.

Dina smirked in amusement and teasingly winked at Ellie, finding absolute joy in the way her face grew flushed. " Oh, in a rush are we? We still have to get married, goober. But let's save that talk for later. "

They both grew quiet at the sound of their sons little feet, tearing up the isle with a string of giggles. The rings bouncing wildly as he comes to a halt in front of them. " Mama! Mom! I got the rings! " He announced in a delighted tone, earning a few chuckles from the congregation.

Dina laughs softly and smiles down at him. " Good job, bud! You are such a smart little guy. " She ruffled his hair, watching as he goes and stands where he was told, still beaming with pride.

The wedding commences right on time, the pastor going through the motions of what had been discussed with him. There is a mixture of Jewish traditions, like the breaking of a glass. And some things that were apparently common in a wedding back when people still had them.

Ellie crouches down slightly, taking the rings carefully from the pillow JJ was holding. She smiles as she hands Dina hers, her mind is racing and her heart is hammering heavily.

They both slip the rings on one another's finger when they were given the go-ahead, they didn't exchange any vows. Not in front of people, they didn't need to prove that they loved and cared about each other in front of everyone else. All that they had been through signified that, how far they had come.

" I now pronounce you, wife- And, uhh wife. You may now kiss the bride. " The pastor said, clearly not ever having married two women before.

Ellie chuckles softly, gently cupping Dina's cheek with her hand. She leans forward slightly, her breath tickling Dina's nose as she whispered. " Don't mind if I do. " She pressed her lips to Dina's, sharing a passionate kiss with her wife. Ellie wrapped her arms around Dina and dipped her, unable to hold back the laugh that escaped her mouth at JJ's enthusiastic clapping, his claps actually covered up the applause from all the others.

Ellie picked Dina back up, a fond smile on her lips, her arm wrapped around Dina's waist. " Y'know, I like him like this. He isn't yet disgusted by our love and affection for one another. "

Dina smiled and gently brushed her hand over Ellie's cheek, pushing a few stray strands of hair behind her ear. " Yeah, we are still lucky for now it seems. Unfortunately, he will probably grow out of that and get embarrassed of us. "

Ellie snickered to herself. " JJ is going to have a hell of a time bringing people around when he gets older, guaranteed. " She just meant that they would one hundred percent embarrass him with their love for each other when he attempts to bring a crush home with him.

Dina lightly slapped her wife's arm as JJ came rushing up to them, they both crouched down and pulled him into a tight hug. " You did so awesome, Spud! Proud of ya! " JJ beamed happily, his toothy grin brightening up their world. " Now we are a family. " He said softly, nuzzling his head against his mothers'.

《》

The dinner and party that is held after the wedding goes on for quite some time. Everybody is laughing and singing, chatting and dancing. The music is soft, yet loud. And it reminds Ellie of the night her and Dina shared their first kiss. The same type of lights are strung up, illuminating the dance floor.

Ellie stands near the counter, her gaze almost blank as she stares straight ahead. Her mind begins to run as all the events that followed began coming to life in her mind. She dropped her head with a gasp, and placed her hands over her ears. No- She hadn't done this in a long time, this was supposed to be their new beginning, she was supposed to be making new memories.

Dina had been talking with Maria, JJ latched to her side like a little monkey. When she glanced around the room for a second, her eyes zeroed in on Ellie, hands clasped over her ears, eyes glazed over and wet with tears. She excuses herself and rushes over to Ellie's side. Gently placing a hand on her face. " Ellie, Ellie I need you to come back to me. Come back to me, El. Our son wants to dance with his mom. "

She gently brushes her fingers through Ellie's hair, whispering softly to her until she was able to pull her out of it. " El, you are home, babe. With me and JJ, we are here. We love you and you are safe. " She repeated this as long as she had to, until the light returned to Ellie's eyes and she dropped her hands slowly.

Ellie looked at Dina with guilt written all over her face. " I'm… I'm sorry, Di- I don't know what… I've been doing so good, that… Hasn't happened in months. " Dina can see that Ellie is on the verge of tears, so she gently takes hold of her hand. " Ellie, I'm not upset with you. These things- They happen sometimes. To the best of us, it doesn't mean you've undone every single ounce of work you've come through. I'm so proud of you, and I just want you to be okay. " She placed a gentle kiss to Ellie's lips.

Carefully pulling her by the hand, she leads her out of the church after saying a quick thank you and goodbye to everyone as a whole.

Ellie looked at Dina with confusion, she really had screwed things up. They were supposed to dance and enjoy the wedding party. " What are we doing? What about- "

Dina shook her head and handed JJ over to Ellie. The other woman grunts slightly from the sudden added weight. " Ellie, we can dance together as a family. "

It's hard to argue when your wife looks so excited at the thought, who cared if it wasn't in front of a crowd. Wasn't that how she preferred it, anyway?

《》

They soon reached their humble little home, it was no farm house. But it had two stories, and was just the perfect size for their family of three.

Ellie set JJ down on his feet as soon as they stepped inside the house, the boy excitedly followed after Dina as she went to the record player and put on a record for them to dance to.

Ellie smiled faintly at Dina as she grabbed hold of JJ and started dancing with him. He was practically bouncing up and down in excitement as they grooved their way over to her. She gasped as Dina grabbed onto her hand and pulled her into a loving embrace, gently swaying to the music that didn't fit at all. JJ stood on Ellie's converse clad feet, and swayed with them. Her hands holding onto his small one's so he wouldn't fall.

The three of them danced until they couldn't dance anymore, and what that meant was they danced until it was time for JJ to go to bed.

" I'll put him down, babe. " Ellie said as she scooped up a tired JJ from on their couch, she carried him upstairs and helped him get ready for bed. " I love you, mom. " He said softly, drifting off to sleep easily, very worn out from the events of the day.

Ellie slowly walked back down the stairs, surprised to see Dina standing in the middle of their living room, gently swaying to the music and humming to herself. She smiles as she approaches Dina, and wraps her arms around her from behind. Swaying to the music with her, their bodies in sync.

A smile grows on Dina's face, and she turns around in Ellie's embrace. Bringing her own hands up and wrapping them around Ellie's shoulders, letting her head rest against her chest as they swayed to the music. Her brown eyes were filled with so much love for the girl in front of her. " I think that this- Right here, is the start to our forever. I love you, El. "

Ellie's eyes well up with tears and she laughs softly, pressing a quick kiss to the top of Dina's head. " I… I believe that you are right, this moment… And all the one's after. We are stronger together. I love you, Dina. Thanks for allowing me to prove myself, time and time again. "

#elliedina week #ellie x dina #The Last of Us Part II #Sony Interactive Entertainment #Naughty Dog #video game edit #rich the idiot writes #Ellie Williams #Dina TLOU2 #TLOU2 #Apologies for posting at 2 in the morning

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mc-critical · 3 years

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hey, welcome back! hope your exams and stuff went well, and that you're doing fine now.

i wanted to hear your opinion on nigar hatun. i remember seeing one post of yours in which you said that she wasn't a favourite of yours like you favoured other characters and honestly, same. i didn't really much understand the fascination with her. she was an interesting character, but i can't imagine having her as a favourite when there are so many more characters who are far more interesting. i wish they gave her an alternate arc. idk what it could be, i'd like to hear your opinion on it. one alternative ending i came up for her is that she was extremely angry at ibrahim for toying with her and hatice for keeping her sweet little esmanur from her so she joins hurrem to defeat them? which hurrem did try but it didn't really go anywhere and nigar was against hurrem for killing ibrahim which just was kinda frustrating. they literally give hurrem no ally in the harem [except mihrimah later on but mihri is overall varying in terms of power] so it would be good for her to have some support in the harem from people who actually hated her enemies like her. she had actual political support from iskender celebi, rustem, and ayaz pasha and all, sure, but she didn't have much support in the harem, like all powerful women of the harem were against her. nigar obviously wasn't powerful like a sultan but she was an old member of the harem, was respected and even though she kinda lost her dignity with the scandal, she could've regained it with hurrem's help. sumbul was there later on but he was just a very faithful servant and didn't really have any real motive to harm any of hurrem's enemies except for out of his loyalty whilst nigar could've cultivated a hatred for hatice and ibrahim. this is a basic plot but i would've kinda liked seeing it. there can be many more ways her character could've ended but it would be good seeing a woman who didn't bow to her feelings all the time. the sultanas couldn't really control their feelings when it came to love because they were princesses who were used to getting what they wanted most of the time but nigar was a servant who also suffered the hardships of slavery and it obviously would've made her tougher as a person so she could control her feelings better; idk, i feel like this is an aspect of women they could've explored [or if they did explore it, i don't remember it lol my memory lapses a lot so i don't remember the show 100%] anyway, would like to hear your thoughts on nigar. thank you. welcome back again <3

Thank you! <33 Yup, I'm fine and the exams went well. Happy Pride month to you, too! 🏳️‍🌈

Hehe, I wrote that post years ago and while Nigar still isn't one of my absolute favourite characters, I've warmed up to her quite a bit. And honestly, now with the wider experience in the fandom, I can say that she isn't all that loved as it looks like. I then was under the limited wrong impression that the BG Mamma forum was a metric of all the popular opinions and yes, they loved Nigar a lot and I was sometimes confused as to why, but really, that and the Russian fanbase are the only places I have encountered that appreciate her all that much. There are characters I find more interesting than her, that's for sure, but she has her charm and I'm firmly against people reducing her to "evil" or "manipulative" or "weak after she fell in love with Ibrahim", so forth.

The thing she sets her first impression with is her intelligence caused by her relatively high experience in the harem. The advice she gave to Hürrem opened the path to her whole goal (as she herself acknowledged in E41) and that makes for quite an impact for a more recurring character. Despite of this, I never viewed early Nigar as someone taking an open side, hence I didn't find her supposed betrayal to Hürrem surprising in the slightest: she is also trying to survive in this environment in any way she knows how and she can't really find a fully comfortable position, because she is well aware that everyone is thinking for their own gain in the end. Including her. So the only choice she has left is to direct herself to where the wind is blowing and get advantages for herself once she gets the chance. Because all the experience has taught her to repress her feelings (E10 to Hürrem: "In this castle you can't show weakness."), opt to be the more level-headed person and seek for the more pragmatic solutions.

And yet she is very sensitive and perceptive to people that are different than the others or that are in need and is willing to lend them her hand. She adviced and helped Hürrem because she found potential in her, because she wanted to see her succeed, but not through endangering her own self or other people in the process (she told Hürrem that her game had gone too far again in E41), but through negotiation, compromise and adaption, to know when to start and when to stop and be respectful to those above her, no matter how hard or limiting that may look in Hürrem's eyes. Hürrem had the tendency in viewing every sign of support that came to her as granted, she still had that naive part of innocence in her in S01 and early on was in a desparate need of someone to lean on and unconditionally follow her path, that's why when Nigar diverted from that path, it hurt and took her a while to start trusting her again. But I didn't see Nigar as all that attached to Hürrem as Hürrem herself thought she was, especially with how Nigar became stuck between two sultanas later in S01 and that rendered her lost and more insecure than usual.

That's also why I don't view her as a two-faced or hypocritical double-crosser. Because for the longest time, Nigar was the one character in the series before Rüstem appeared that was clearly thinking about her own benefit and survival first and foremost from the beginning when darting between the powerful people in the harem and was the one well aware that she simply can't cling to a single side in her own position. Positions aren't permanent and can always change in such circumstances, so why can't she take advantage of this? Because who cares as much about the feelings for a Kalfa they can still order around after all? She has faced disregard from Mahidevran, Hürrem, Ibrahim and even Hatice. It is pretty understandable that she's going to seek the best opportunity for herself.

That whole facade breaks when she falls in love with Ibrahim. During rewatch, I found myself to have a soft spot for this character deconstruction, especially in S02. I know that it came to pass because of her falling in love with a man that doesn't share the same feelings and there were moments where it looked like she overdid it, even in S02, but for me, the whole thing nicely added a new layer of depth, while still feeling true to Nigar's character. Her future relationship with Ibrahim had been building up back in S01, when Ibrahim (both inadvertently and not I fully believe) played a part in helping her solve the first internal conflict she had (that is the struggle between the two sultanas). Maybe this didn't mean that much to Ibrahim, maybe he was simply trying to be helpful, but it meant a lot to Nigar - that was probably the first time someone seemed to take her feelings into account and actually listen when she couldn't help, but crack under the pressure. So it is only natural that she would search for this source of comfort once again, being ready to face every risk in the process. When she is appointed to Hatice and Ibrahim's castle, when she's practically left alone with Ibrahim, she decides to take that chance, to taste the forbidden fruit. He gave her something she never received and due to her not allowing herself to show weakness and having to cave to everyone else's demands before that, every ounce of affection Ibrahim shows her, it means the world to her. Thus she begins to idealize what she has with him, to the point of denial and delusion, and centers her loyalty completely on him. But that loyalty never seems to falter. She began to resent and/or hate everyone who could possibly stand in Ibrahim's way, something she wouldn't have ever done before. She keeps her level-headed self and intelligence (I don't think that this plot line reduced it in any way, not even when she was at her worst.) and she's ready to take any opportunity for herself (case in point: her marriage with Rüstem.), but now her softer sides and her wish for affection are showing all the more.

The problem I have with Nigar's character, writing-wise, and now that I think about it, the main subject of why I didn't get the deal with her back then (along with considering her S01 self bland.. somehow?), is her S03B characterization. While her falling in love with Ibrahim plot-line became an important part of S02 Nigar's storyline, I don't think it overshadowed or dominated over her other characteristics, making for a neat balance of traits and an interesting, nuanced character. In an attempt to keep her for longest time possible in the story, S03B flanderized her in every possible way and overexaggerated her biggest strengths and flaws until they became stale and unbelievable. Her love for Ibrahim read as а near obsession narratively and her opportunism coupled with her will for revenge, which put her into many repetitive intrigues. At one point I even felt she was reduced to a plot-device (the moment Şah Sultan appointed her as a spy) and she felt a little too purposeless and to have totally outstayed her welcome until her last moment in the series.

The root of this problem is again, that they just didn't know when to stop with Nigar. To be brutally honest, she had no long-term role left to play after Ibrahim's death and it was time for the writers to let her go and maintain her generally strong characterization. The ending I would've chosen for her is to simply have Matrakcı give her Esmanur's location and for her to live with her daughter in piece. I know that because of the tonal shift, the show seemed to be already inclined that everyone had to have a tragic ending of sorts, to underline the growing ruthlessness and cruelty of the themes, but I fully believe that Nigar was one of the only characters that were terribly forced through their tragic endings. She didn't need, nor deserve a tragic ending and I doubt it would've been such a problem for the half-season if she didn't get one. I find a happier ending to be perfectly fine for Nigar and I would've loved to see it, if only for a freshness in ideas for character endings. I loved her Esmanur storyline and to witness her finding happiness with her, the only solace she had left, would have been a great wrap up of her S03 plots and an amazing send-off to Nigar's character.

I appreciate the thought you have put into your ending for her and to be fair, your proposal would be much better than anything S03B gave us. It would nearly correspond with the revenge plot of hers they were going for and it would be something more original at the same time. Hürrem's principal lack of allies doesn't bother me as a fact alone, because all her enemies have understandable reasons to be against her, but what bothers me however, is when the writers try using it to dumb her enemies down and make them doom themselves through their own failings or outright use it to put forced (often soapy) conflicts to make the audience sympathize with Hürrem. Or to make everyone "mistitle" her (is that a word? probably not.) or disrespect her on purpose again for sympathy points (that go beyond the part of her motivation that wants to feel respected and does stuff out of fear not to fall under a less favorable position once again.), without changing the status-quo until say, S04.

It is so deliberate it becomes annoying and seeing something else for a change... honestly, gimme! While I personally prefer a happy ending for Nigar, I would live for Nigar and Hürrem to work together again, while keeping what's become her central motivation intact. It may seem a little OOC for Nigar to work for Hürrem by that point, because she's channeled her loss of the most precious people into rage on those that have taken them away, but it would be a decent shifting of gears and a reverence to her opportunism to work to eradicate those she hates for good, even if it means doing so with one of your bigger enemies. After all, after the mission is fulfilled, she could still work against Hürrem in some way, right?

[Tell me if I got what you meant wrongly, but there is an example of a dynasty sultana putting her love feelings behind and by that I mean Şah Sultan. Her love is in the past by the point she arrived in the castle and her love for Ibrahim is only used as a conflict between her and Hatice, which they get over relatively quick. Sisterly love and ambition are a much bigger priority of Şah's: she cared about Hatice past any resentment she may have harbored over the years and agreed to share her life with Lütfi for the advantage this may bring, even though she didn't love him at all. She divorced him only when he offended the pride of a woman and her own personal pride. Other than that, we indeed didn't have a female character in MC that puts her feelings behind in design as far as I recall, only ones that end up clinging to them completely like Nigar here or ones that let go of them eventually like Mahidevran. Characters that have this design by default are more present in MCK like Safiye, or Turhan, or especially Gülbahar, but as I've said many times, MCK is more ruthless, while MC is more about the personal feelings of the characters, hence every motivation they have is somehow tied to them.]

#magnificent century #muhteşem yüzyıl #muhtesem yuzyil #nigar kalfa #nigar hatun #ask #mihrimah-sultan-can-rail-me

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shizekarnstein · 5 years

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Zeke is determinated to save his brother from the shackles of Grisha's poisonous influence. If Eren is refusing to go along with their dream the only reason is more than obvious: their wretched father has brainwashed him and only Zeke himself is able to free him of that burden. Only once he manages to undo the damage will the two of them stand together as brothers and put an end, once and for all, to the cursed fate of the eldian people.

Xaver stoods in his mind as Zeke's personal saviour. From his pov he was his real father: a father who listened and played with him, an adult with whom he felt safe and comfortable. The person who finally opened his eyes to the monstruos nature of his birth parents characters, and encouraged him to turned them over to the marlean authorities instead of joining them in utopia.

Zeke has never questioned his mentor's motives or the type of person he was. He only saw one side of him: the loving man who had his best interest in mind. To this day he never pondered over the fact that this very man basically turned him into the executioner of his own parents and how terrible is to put that burden on a child. How cruel and manipulative is to tell a seven years old that his own parents never loved him.

Claiming that Grisha has brainwashed and mistreat Eren as he did with Zeke himself all those years ago, refusing to even consider the possibility that he could have been a better parent to Eren, and not even listening to Eren's thoughts on the matter, he goes ahead and brings their foreheads together. To show his brother the truth.

But forcing your ideals and pov into another person is no different from what both his parents and Xaver did to him. So I have to ask: by using the FT powers to force his own convictions onto Eren, at the end, is he really that different from those he claims to loathe? Who is really trying to brainwash Eren at this point?

The brothers enter Grisha's memories and witness how this man interacted and raised his younger son.

This quest objetive is to reveal the true face of Grisha and all his wrongdoings. But along the way I can't help but wonder if what Zeke was really looking for, on an unconciouss level, was seeing their father again. Zeke was conditionated and encouraged by Xaver to hate and despise his father, but little Zeke loved him more than anything. He tried to put up with all the things he and Dina asked of him. Even when he thought those things were wrong and put him in danger, he did soldier on. What really brought him to a breaking point was not only his parents neglect, but the possiblity of all of them together being shipped off to paradise. For someone who to this day is still craving affection as a starved animal, I have no doubts that even if he convinced himself of hating him, a part of him is still that little boy who adored him. In order to move forward he had to believe his father was a monster.

When confronted with the reality that Grisha really seemed to care for his new wife and son, his bitterness and denial are palpable. He's jelous bc some part of him still wished he could have had something like that. Eren himself is going along this painful trip down memory lane, having to endure witnessing all those dear and simpler days with a deep sense of longing.

But no matter how hard he searchs, nothing seems to match Zeke's expectations. He's desesperatly trying to find the instances when Grisha acted as a selfish man who puts his own ideals ahead of the safety of his family. The months pass and all he can find are wholesome family moments. They get to see how Eren was clearly loved and doted upon, how his father spent countless hours playing with him, taking him on walks, witnessing his very first steps. The tranquil family dinners where no talk of politics or revolution ever graced the table.

Even then Zeke keeps searching for the devious facet that he knows must exit. Grisha infiltrated the walls to locate the FT and restaure the Eldian Empire. His new family is an accessory, just like his previous one.

Eren himself is done with this futile quest. Unlike Zeke, he knows the two sides of the story. He knows his father's faults, even believed for a time the worst of him when Rod Reiss triggered the memories of the chapel massacre. He has come to terms with the fact his father was a flawed man who payed dearly for his dreams and came to repent and love his new family in all the ways he couldn't with his former one. Eren knows all about his guilt, about his sins and regrets. About how much he cherished him and his mother, and how he never forgot about Dina and Zeke.

But what good does it do to argue with someone who's utterly convinced of his own truth? Trying to force his biased version on Eren is nonsense and Eren is very aware of this fact. Of course father is a demon, isn't that what you want to hear? We can move on and euthanize our own people next now that I know your true Zeke. What an evil man! Forcing your vission onto others without giving a damn about their own side of the story or experiences is such a wonderful and foolproof plan. Can't you see how the brainwashing is coming undone thanks to you showing me all these things? It's useless to try to talk with someone who doesn't listen.

But then both Eren and Zeke learned that they didn't even knew all there was to know about Grisha and how far he had evolved from his younger self.

He gave up on his old dream. He learned from his faults. When faced with the choice between his mission and his loved ones, this time he made the right choice. He was able to cast away his old self and previous mistakes and return to his family, finally deciding what was really more precious to him and clinging to this choice.

Humans change and grow. But without taking the time to sit down and listen to other people we are unable to trully grasp who they really are as persons. We allow our own missconceptions and prejudices to blind us to the facts. What Zeke is experiencing now is a total subversion of what he was convinced was an absolute fact. But in order to allow himself to consider this possiblity, he had to witness it with his own eyes. Ignorance itself is a formidable enemy after all. That is the brothers motto, but the only one living by those words was Eren.

All the doubts Zeke still harboured and his last sanity rope was the utter conviction that his father never loved him. Mister Xaver told him so. It has to be true. Even if he changed in regards to his other son, Grisha never cared for Zeke. He was nothing more to him than a tool, a royal blood vessel that would help him to make his dream come true. Grisha found happiness with his new family, merrily forgetting all about his past one and the hell he put them through. Listening to Grisha utter "I'm sorry, Zeke" has began to utterly shatter this view.

While Zeke was blabbing, Eren noted how his father still gazed and kept close his only memento of Dina and Zeke. He never forgot about them. How could he?

Kruger himself said that anyone can become a god or a devil, all it takes is for someone to believe in it. For Zeke and Rod Reiss Grisha Jaeger was a monster who gladly crushed children and anything that stood on his way. Marley and Willy Tybur convinced the whole world that Eren Jaeger is a demon hellbent on destroying everything in his path. We as readers were convinced that the Beast Titan was a devil who utterly lacked even an ounce of human compassion. Xaver appears to Zeke as a wonderful person; we as readers know better than to believe such a thing of someone who installed the idea in a child that his parents hated him and forced him to tarnish his hands with their blood. Just going by the flashes we saw this chapter about Grisha, an uninformed party would conclude that he was a good man with not a single fault to his name. To trully grasp others we need to get rid of our bias and missconceptions and learn to actually listen and see for ourselves what's true and what isn't. That has always been a theme in SnK. Zeke's journey isn't different.

Now both brothers experienced radically differnet sides of Grisha. Just bc he came to regret his previous actions and worked to better himself as a man, spouse and father doesn't mean all is forgiven. Zeke has the right to still resent him and the way he treated him. But he can only make that choice freely once he knows for certain all there is to his father's story. And the journey has only started.

I find intriguing how at the beginning it was Zeke who command the pace of their journey and kept selecting to continue. Now that his convictions have been shaken, and not Eren's, is Eren himself who seems to be in charge of the itinerary.

If inside paths realm the stronger mental will is the one who prevails, then the outcome of this little journey is very much on Eren's favour.

What's Zeke going to do? It's there a way to make him give up on his dream too? Or is he still fully convinced of the true of Xaver words? Memories of the previous shifter have a degree of influence on the current one. If Zeke can say with security that Eren was being controlled by their father, then how deep is the real hold of Xaver in all of this? Is this really only Zeke's dream? Xaver shared this dream with him when he still lived, and the two of them agreed to make it a reality. Even now he remains a dear person and highly respectable in Zeke's mind and heart. At the end I don't think it trully matters if his hold on Zeke is being reinforced by his memories living in him. The only one who can decide what to do is Zeke. Time may be infinite inside paths realm, but even so the clock is still ticking.

This chapter was monumental and has so many things to comment upon. I plan to do another post pondering over something I've been wondering for a long time: can shifters actually sense when someone down the line is witnessing/reviving some of their memories? Going by Frieda and Grisha this chapter, my tentative answer is yes. Hint: Grisha sees Zeke in front of him, but there was someone else behind Grisha who had the same view as him, and that someone would later be the vessel that holds all of Grisha's memories.

#snk #snk spoilers #snk 120 #snk meta #part three i guess #eren jaeger #zeke jaeger #grisha jaeger #snk analysis

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bak-2me · 3 years

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Recently hit a huge milestone after RNY, I lost 100 pounds since surgery! 🎉🥳🎊

It's such an amazing place to be and I can never say enough how thankful I am for a second chance. The question I get asked all the time is "Is it hard?". Which it a tough question to answer because it is but in a good way.

Let me explain.....well it's not so much hard, but takes constant work. Managing my protein intake, water intake and eating schedule were the most difficult aspects of this surgery to get used to. For my long term health and success you need to get 60 grams of protein in per day, which is not terribly difficult when you supplement with protein shakes but you have to find other sources as well. 60 ounces of water was a BIG challenge for me. I truly never realized how little I drank, actually ended up buying a water jug with time measurements on it to keep track. I highly recommend getting yourself one👇

And my kryptonite.....SWEETS🧁 Ugh, I love me a good pastry. However, since surgery sugar free is my new life. Which, honestly is not terrible. There are a lot of really great and tasty options available these day. I find I'm not missing them and finding satisfaction in other more healthy options.

Getting back into an exercise routine, pushing past the pain....that was hard. When I look back 8 months ago after surgery I was celebrating walking 2 laps around my office. Two laps!!!!! The equivalent of walking 50 yards....if that. I can't believe how far I've come. But it didn't come easily, without pain or aggrivation. Every single day I had to mentally push myself to walk, and each day walk a little further until one day I tried a light and slightly awkward looking jog. And it progressed from there.... From a place of raw determination and fear of letting myself and my family down.

Then there's the portion control, overfilling your pouch and the occasional "dumping syndrome". All uncomfortable and unpleasant side effects of not being strict or mindful of your eating.

So....yes....this surgery is not easy. There are difficult aspects to it. You don't get this surgery and magically get healthy and thin. It takes a lot of work, perseverance and restraint. I never truly realized how much of a mental game good health and self care really was until my bypass. I'm certain that's why my "dieting attempts"crashed and burned many, many times.

On the same token....this surgery is not and never will be done. I will forever need to take the right vitamins, get my protein in, monitor portions, drink water, exercise and work hard. You can and people do gain their weight back. It is a lifestyle change.....not a quick fix!!!!! Truth be told, that does scare me and I'm very aware that I could slip backwards into old habits. It motivates me though! Everyday I wake up seeing the fruits of my hard work, the pride my daughter's have in me, how much my husband and kids love seeing me active again, being able to participate in my own life......I can't and won't give up.

This was not...The Easy Way Out of being obese. This was my ONLY way out and I will never appologize for taking this leap.

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