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arwenkenobi48 · 3 years

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The PDF That Saved My Life - Why I Love “All Tomorrows” With All My Heart

(Content Warning: Discussions of trauma, suicidal ideation and sexual abuse)

*clears throat* So, as some of you may be aware, the past few weeks haven’t been easy, not in the least. I was struggling with serious suicidal urges and feeling extreme anguish towards my own body and soul. I believed myself to be tainted, filthy and all manner of destructive and negative things.

The reason behind this breakdown was due to the realisation that I had experienced sexual harassment and assault multiple times throughout my life, including an occasion last year in which I was groped by an immediate relative. I had been aware of the incident since it happened, but was in denial. I was thinking “It couldn’t have been that bad, right?” But after trying unsuccessfully to repress it, I had to face the facts that she did what she did. I was heartbroken and I’m still deeply saddened by the realisation. Everything just seemed to fall apart and I psychologically imploded, plummeting into a dark pit of worthlessness and childlike sorrow. I felt as if I had been thrown into a mental oubliette; just tossed away and forgotten about on every level. Whenever I wasn’t bawling my eyes out and grieving my lost innocence, I was stress-eating and lying in bed, feeling nothing. Every now and then, I’d receive a short burst of energy, but nothing substantial, and the feelings remained.

Despite all of that, though, I didn’t want to die. A small part of my mind wanted to hold on and ride out these waves of suicidal thoughts. But I also knew I shouldn’t have to be going through this cycle of building up and breaking down, so I finally managed to seek professional help. There’s another thing that also pushed me towards seeking help and eventually guided me out of this dark place, and that’s the work of science fiction I mentioned in the title. All Tomorrows by C. M. Koseman (I hope I’ve spelled that right).

I don’t remember exactly how I came across it, but I think it was the video by Alt Shift X on YouTube that did it. As you can imagine, my dark thoughts weren’t only directed towards myself, but the world at large. I was wondering how life could be so cruel as to let something so horrific happen to me. I saw the thumbnail of that video and I didn’t know what it was. I had vaguely heard of All Tomorrows, but was more familiar with the much more nihilistic Dougal Dixon book Man After Man, and as such I got the two confused. I clicked on the All Tomorrows video, barely paying much attention and dismissively thinking: “oh great another sci-fi dystopia that predicted humanity’s inevitable downfall”.

What that video showed me absolutely blew my mind. As I discovered C. M. Koseman’s intricate worldbuilding science fiction project, I became fascinated and enthralled by the journeys and evolutions of the various post-human species, from the fun-loving Satyriacs and the mellowed out Snake People, to the bloodthirsty Killer Folk and the horrifying Bone Crushers. Yes, many of the stories were very, very sad. The Mantelopes lost everything and devolved because intelligence was so painful. The Striders, Titans and Temptors were all wiped out before they had the chance to truly reach their full potential. The Qu and Gravitals, one could say, ruined everything. But what truly amazed me was the fact that many, many of these stories also contained great happiness.

The Colonials, for example, suffered through the kind of torture that I wouldn’t wish on the Devil himself. Being wedged together into a wall of flesh bricks, all while retaining intelligence. And yet, they managed to turn into the beautiful Modular People and create a utopian society. Yes, the Killer Folk are traditionally violent, but the ones that made the biggest progress were the ones that chose peace over war. The Satyriacs started off as the mindless Hedonists, but were able to use their intelligence to appreciate every moment of their joyful lives. The lowly Worms became the comfort-loving Snake People, always able to appreciate the little things in life. The flattened Lopsiders rose up from the ground and became the proud, tall Asymmetric People. The list goes on, but you get my point.

The point is, even though this future humanity went through the sort of Hell that makes the past few years look tame by comparison, they always managed to rise up. Sure, nothing was ever quite the same again, but they managed to make something new and wonderful out of that. When you cut an orange, you may not have a whole fruit anymore, but you have lots of slices that can be shared with everyone. The best thing you can do is move forward. The future will always hold something better for you, even if that seems impossible. Don’t be afraid to reach for it. The final quote of this incredible piece of sci-fi wiped away the remnants of dark still clinging to me: “Love today and seize all tomorrows.” To me, that meant “Be a kind soul and you can achieve anything.”

This entire story ignited a strong feeling of empathy within me; an emotion I thought I was too traumatised to ever properly feel or express again. I think that was the point. Sure, the many strange post-humans may not look like us, but we cannot deny that they are human and that brings out the best in us. We shouldn’t be afraid to show empathy for our fellow humans. Thinking lowly of what collectively proves to be our best quality, claiming we’re “above” it and aiming to become “bigger than” everything else deprives us of our humanity. Empathy, compassion, love, that’s what makes us truly powerful. If we can learn to love today, the utopian future we all dream of will finally be ours.

Love is something that, from an early age and for over half my life, I was never truly given. But that doesn’t mean I can’t give it to others. Just as the post-humans were able to move forward and rise from the ashes, I fully intend to do the same. I’m safe now. The people who hurt me are gone from my life and will never hurt me again. I’m surrounded by loving friends, in a city I love, attending a university I love, receiving the therapy I need to heal and soon to be medically transitioning too. Even though I still struggle to accept it, I’m learning to love myself as well. I think that’s the greatest love someone can ever feel. If I continue to love each today that comes, all the tomorrows will be brighter and brighter.

And to think this all started because of a PDF about the hypothetical future of humanity. I’m determined to hold on no matter what. Idk if C. M. Koseman uses tumblr or any other social media for that matter, but if he comes across this somehow, I just want to say “Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn’t be here today without All Tomorrows.”

https://youtu.be/-WIk29qtrIo

youtube

(PS: I know I have stumbled and made mistakes on my platform as well. I’m still a little bit unsteady after being in such a dark mental state for so long. I’m sorry about that. I am doing better. Thank you all if you made it this far. I love and appreciate every single one of you.)

#arwen speaks #tw: abuse #tw: suicidal ideation #tw: trauma #all tomorrows #personal philosophy #Youtube #science fiction #the future #empathy #the power of love #queue

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romeulusroy · 3 years

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Vulcan (Arthur Shelby Oneshot) Pt. 2/12

Character/s: Arthur

Word Count: 1,145

Tag List: @dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt @myriadimagines @lilyswritings @encounterthepast @writerdream22 @death-of-a-mermaid @woahitslucyylu @obsessedunicorn24 @thedarkqueenofavalon @fangirlsarah16 @captivatedbycillianmurphy @theshelbyclan @creativemayhems @soleil-dor @thegirlwithoutaname87 @babylooneytoonz @peakyxtommy @locke-writes

A/N: Hello I'm a liar I stayed up v late to write this and I'm too impulsive and impatient not to post it asap!!! I hope this one is as good as the first!!! And makes you want to read more!!! Again this is my first BIG series which is kinda scary considering there was a time I thought I'd never be able to write more than 500 words! Look at me now :D Anyways, be sure to check out part one my loves and I just really hope you like it!!! Feedback is always appreciated 💜💖💜

Gif Credit: @peakycillianblinders :)

FIC MASTERLIST PART ONE. / PART TWO. / PART THREE.

WANNA BE ADDED TO THE TAG LIST?

ROMAN GODS SERIES: Jupiter /Juno / Mars / Vulcan / Mercury / Minerva / Neptune / Venus / Pluto / Janus / Caelus / Apollo

You are no more human than himself.

Nothing, though, more human than mans own emotions. The very things that beat and pound against the cage of his ribs, breaking every bone, tearing through himself in an effort to conceal until he is nothing but ruins himself, until there is no fight left. The very things that rule him. Control and berate his spirits better than any blood could. It's not their words spoken behind closed doors, or the distance they put between themselves, but their expressions. The pity. The disgust. The horror. As if he is less, as if he were mortal. Atop their pedestals they are in power, in control, their true selves hidden behind masks. He lives truthful, exposed, waiting for infection. Begging for it. Few can understand, fewer sympathize, but from the moment you looked at him, watched the lines in his forehead crease, his mouth fall, his entire outward being change, you knew. How could Gods possibly live among their people and not pick up a few habits? Not just the things they mirrored with ease. Joy, sadness, even anger became second nature. He was burdened with more, with complications. Anger became fury, rage, bitterness, even destruction.

They were scared not because they could not understand what it felt to hurt so deeply, to bleed to freely, but because pride lived in him where they felt nothing but shame. Shame for screaming, crying, sobbing. For finding their knees weak, breakable, their spirits broken, their worlds shattering before their eyes. Shame for falling, shattering, letting themselves be weak, vulnerable, human. He was not. Openly, he let these things seep through his words, his actions, carrying it on his back when there was no where else to put it, never daring to put up a front of invulnerability. Gods could be fragile, too.

And just as they could be fragile, they were dangerous.

Not once would he let you forget that.

You never saw it. Not when it was happening. When his arms grew tired, when his back ached, when his eyes saw red. The myths, the stories, the thing of nightmares. Horrifying. Truly horrifying. In his prime, nothing left unharmed, untouched. Pushed to the edge, he didn't just fall, he put on a goddamn show. Sometimes you wished to watch, see for yourself what it was that made others shake, what made them leave everything they had in his name, praying for joy. Sometimes you decided it was better to leave it up to your imagination. You were there after though, ordered to clean up, collect his pieces, hold him together until someone more familiar put him back together again. He trusted you, for what reason you still questioned. Let you get close enough to hush his own unrecognizable sobs, plucking the gun, knife, pipe from his weak hand, wipe the red from his cheek. Still wet. It wasn't a fall from grace, not exactly, but a taste, a glimpse of how fragile ones world really was when immortals lost their grip. Just as they could play nice, offer riches, they could leave nothing but ash in their wake.

Little fires everywhere.

The ruins were magnificent. Shocking, and amazing. Homes unrecognizable. Bodies shredded, anonymous now, without worth. The grass and trees blackened, smoking even as the sun rose, welcoming a new day. You never could get used to the smell of burning flesh, the stinging in your lungs enough to bring tears to your eyes. The clouds grey, moody, as far as you could see. A reminder, as if the unsettled silence weren't enough. All that's left is the quiet cry of the crackling fire, weaker and weaker with every passing second. He could not bear to look. A man gone blind in his rage. You'd seen it enough with the mortals to know. Humans had a funny way of wanting to protect themselves, their psyche, even at their most destructive. Funny, and odd. He possessed these same traits. Weakened by what he's done, exhausted, there is not another threat of this for a long time. But when it comes, because it always does, he'll scorch the new earth, this new life, without hesitation.

Sometimes, it's not an outward cry, but inward. A gun to his head, the metal kissing his temple goodnight. The rope around his neck, soft against his skin. The booze sweet, tempting, making his steps light and careless. Someone is there before it's too late, before there is no God left, easing him off the ledge the way they think they'll always have to. This you do not see. You do not hear. This is kept among gods, another secret they are sworn to, another thing they can use against one another. But you know, as you would. And again, you understand. Stitched across his features. A crime not yet committed. In due time, he promises, without a single word, and you believe him. Succumbed to his emotions. He does not berate them, or belittle, but joins them, knowing, despite how much it hurts, how beautiful they really can be.

Something none of them could begin to understand.

All of this is worth the euphoria, the tears of joy, walking the thin line between elation and madness, even if it only lasts one second.

Lower on the ranks, the impoverished class, fresh blood, sent to do the work no one else wanted because you had no other choice. Unlike the rest, he was eager to join, to help, anything to rid himself of his own guilt, gain back the respect he's lost. A glance is all you share. That of secrecy. Those moments, where he is shattered, the source of so much heartache, kept between you. Not out of personal gain, for leverage, but because you, too, have found yourself the cause, not the affect. The rest underestimate, overlooking, never meeting your eyes, but he is careful. He doesn't know, none do, but he is one of few who see man and God all the same. Strengths and weaknesses. Pain and suffering. Love and war. A multitude of pieces, each worthy in their own right of respect, of understanding and patience. One is not only their mistakes, their faults, all the things that keep them awake at night, just as they are not only their vigor, their vitality, all the battles they've won. They are all of them, and more, things he cannot even see, nor begin to comprehend. So, he looks you in the eye, as he does the others, regardless of who they take orders from.

As long as he's concerned, with that cap, you're one of them. The rest of the family, they differentiate, they seclude, they draw a line right down the middle. Us and them. Worthy and unworthy. Those that decide and those to be disposed.

Not Arthur, though.

He is different.

#writing #arthur shelby #arthur shelby drabble #arthur shelby oneshot #peaky blinders drabble #peaky blinders oneshot #arthur shelby x reader #arthur x reader #x reader #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fic #arthur shelby fic #drabble #oneshot #gender neutral #gender neutral reader #x gender neutral reader #series

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a-dorin · 4 years

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nepenthe

pairing: obi-wan kenobi x senator!reader

word count: 1.070k

warnings: mentions of war, lots of tears, angst, discussions of grief, effects of war, trauma

summary: an unexpected visit from a jedi knight leaves brings you closer to him as the emotions he buried deep come to light.

“senator ____, the jedi knight is here to see you,” your advisor slips into your quarters, her aura of nothing but business, “shall i send him in?”

your heart nearly leaps out from the confines of your chest, “yes, please. send him in.”

“as you wish senator.”

the gentle nautolan opened the grand doors, the jedi knight stepping forward. a deep, earthy brown cloak shrouded him, clinging to his frame from head to toe. his shoulders were slumped, yet there was a glimmer of hope in his crystalline depths as you locked eyes.

“good evening general kenobi,” your voice is crisp, cordial, “what brings you to my quarters of the senate building?”

“i wish to speak with you on an important matter regarding the efforts of the republic and zuulont,” heat spread through your cheeks as he matched your tone, “it is of the utmost importance.”

“of course general,” you nod profusely, “sasha, do you mind exiting my quarters? this appears to be a private matter.”

“of course,” sasha squeaks, nearly scampering out of the space, “if you need anything, please call for me.”

“i will.”

the moment the doors slammed shut, you surge forward, wrapping your arms around the jedi. a light, quiet sigh erupts from his lips as you bury your head into his cloak, the familiar scent of spice and vanilla wafting into your nostrils.

“oh my love,” he exhales, pressing a tender kiss to the crown of your skull, “maker, have i been aching to see you.”

“my obi-wan,” a hand connects with his cheek, cupping it. your thumb grazes his cheekbone, the sensation soft yet scratchy as some of his beard brushes against it, “i missed you.”

the jedi nearly crumples to his knees at the sound of his name rolling off your tongue, “you haven’t left my mind.”

your lips purse as you notice the glitter of a tear as it wells up in his left eye, the crystalline blue now a watery hue, his skin now a pale shade, almost ghostly. your thumb travels upward, wiping the droplet away, “obi-wan, what’s troubling you?”

his lower lip trembles, quivering ever so slightly. his eyes squeeze shut, his features twisting, pain and fear consuming him whole, “we’ve lost so many. maker, i do not know how to even process the amount of deaths we have suffered, from my own jedi brothers to the clones. this war, it has created nothing but destruction and loss.”

more tears are spilling down his cheeks, cascading, dripping from his chin onto the floor.

your heart nearly splits into two.

another hand reaches out, grasping his right cheek. pulling him forward, you press your forehead to his, tears brimming your own lids. his sobs rack his body, the cries bouncing off the walls. the sound is heart-wrenching, your jaw clenched, sadness settling over you in a thick haze.

“obi-wan,” you begin, your voice breaking as a cry rises in your throat, “oh gods, obi-wan. i am so sorry.”

“it haunts me,” obi-wan mumbles, the words barely coherent, “every single night, i am haunted by the loss. by them. they call out to me. there are so many voices, screaming and wailing. i want them to stop. but i can’t. every single time i try, i fail.”

your eyes meet with his, your hands trembling as they clutch onto his face, desperate to keep him close. desperate to bring him an ounce of comfort. to let him know that you’re here. that you’re not going to leave.

your heart screams. a piercing, shrill, scream.

it screams in pain.

in agony for him.

the once stoic jedi knight that you fell in love with is now a haunted soul, his eyes broken, his pride shattered.

for the first time in years, obi-wan has never looked so vulnerable.

so human.

“i want to help you,” you murmur, “maker, i want to bring you some sort of relief. i cannot imagine what it’s like. i know i have not witnessed a single second of battle, but i promise you that i will do everything in my power to understand.”

“darling,” obi-wan whispers, “you do not need to try. you already do understand.”

“but i am no jedi-”

“you are more than a jedi,” he shakes his head, “gods, you are everything to me. the one who is shrouded with nothing but pure, radiant, light. you are the woman who brings me such joy and comfort, your rays of light cascading down on me.”

your lips collide with obi-wans, the kiss tender. it’s passionate, full of a fiery love. his lips are so soft, his beard tickling the edges of your mouth. yet, it’s so wonderful, you hands pulling him forward, yearning for more. the taste of his lips are salty from the tears, but you pay no mind.

there was nothing in the universe as blissful as a kiss from obi-wan.

“i love you,” your voice is delicate, your gaze loving, filled with affection.

his eyes glow, glimmering with happiness, “i love you more, my sweet.”

“are you feeling any better?”

“i am,” his response sends a rush of relief rippling through you, “the moment i saw you, i knew everything would be all right.”

“would you like to stay?” you inquire, “i know that you have duties to tend to, but i want you here, with me.”

“i want to stay,” his lips curve into a bright grin, “i will inform the council that senator (y/l/n) has requested my presence for the evening. i am sure anakin is going to be thrilled when he hears that.”

leaning forward, you press a light kiss on obi-wan’s cheek, “i will inform sasha that she is relieved from her duties for the night.”

obi-wan scoops you into his embrace, squeezing your body against his. you nearly melt, clutching onto his robes.

he holds onto you for a minute or so, murmuring sweet nothings into your ear.

for once, it’s almost as if there is no loss. no destruction. no more war.

rather, a peaceful feeling as you cling to him, your chest warm, heartbeats syncing.

and for obi-wan, the mere seconds of just getting to hold you in his arms, clutching you against his chest, is enough to send any fear, any doubt, any shred of unhappiness, crumbling away.

you were no jedi.

but you were his patient, determined, compassionate lover.

and obi-wan couldn’t possibly ponder of anyone that he loved more.

#obi wan kenobi #obi wan #star wars #the clone wars #obi wan x reader #obi wan kenobi x reader #star wars x reader #obi wan fluff #angst

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cynic-spirit · 3 years

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The Poem Series (15) Nothing But Death – John Wick

The previous parts HERE

With his head still on Diana’s lap, John begins telling about himself. Years of living alone, he has not even repeated his life to himself. But now he starts to speak every bit of himself to Diana.

“I was born in Belarus, there I was at orphan and spent most of my time with the Ruska Roma. Then after a while, I was brought to North America, where I was given training, harsh training. Later, I served in the United States Marine Corps as a special ops soldier. I worked with it for a few years but then left. There I got an extensive knowledge of surveillance and security. I could plan things easily and strategically.

Years after I left the Ruska Roma, I got a contract. It was my first contract, killing a man. Slowly, after each kill, I became better and better. I became a professional assassin. They called me the “boogeyman” for my unparalleled hyper lethality. I joined the Continental. It’s a hotel that exclusively caters to criminal. Do you remember the club where you sang, near the 14th Avenue. That club is run by the Continental. I had come there to blow off some heat. I had come there to drink myself, because I was retiring. I cannot do this work anymore. I need to fulfill a few obligations in order to be rid of this lifestyle and that’s what I was doing. I had come there after discussing and informing this decision to the Director. My plan was that once I leave all of this, I would live a normal, and civilized life, fall in love. I had imagined to do all this after fulfilling each and every obligation so that there is not even a sliver of chance for going back. I was in control of each and every part of my life, until…”

“Until what John?”

John lifts up his face from her lap and gets up. He faces the giant window and continues.

“Until you climbed on that stage and sang, and buried me under an avalanche of emotions, I had never felt in my life. All my control, discipline, and emotions went out of the window like they never existed. I tried so hard to forget about you Diana and honestly, I would have forgotten about you too, as if you were a beautiful dream, an imagination, a mirage, but then the next day, I saw you at the antique shop and I knew, fate wanted us to meet again. I tried, I struggled but I could not…instead of saying goodbye or nice to meet you, I ended up asking you for coffee that day…, You have ruined me Diana..You have consumed me, mind, body, and soul, and I cannot imagine my life without you. Diana.. love.. you….. you make me…….”

“I make you what John…..?”

“Vulnerable”

Diana was thoroughly lost. She did not know what to say or feel. In the first meeting, when John had mentioned that he cannot tell her what she does, she assumed, it was because it was maybe embarrassing. Then in their date he had told her, that what he does is dangerous. She had thought maybe its because John is a spy or an FBI agent or undercover police. Never in her wildest imagination she had thought that John would be an assassin. But she also saw the honesty in John’s eyes, his expression. He felt intensely for her. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. One must never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world. John was born an orphan, he was young, who was forced into a life that he had not awareness of. He is getting out, should he not get a chance?

“Please say something Diana, this silence from you….its deafening”

“John…. I….who were the people that attacked me? Do you know them?”

“I am trying to find that out. They are probably the men of someone I recently….took care of”

“What do you mean recently?”

“I was away for a week after our date.”

“Where were you?”

“I was in Vladivostok, taking care of one of the final few obligations, I need to take care of in order to get free of this life.”

“That’s why you have a private number, and a landline.”

“yes”

“What is the necessity of attacking me? I am no danger to anyone”

“You are not. But you are my weakness. Before you, there was nothing in my life”

“So its possible that I will be attacked again?”

“Probably, but I wont let anything happen to you”

“I know”

“When can I go home John?”

“Why do you want to go?”

“I…I… this is all too much for me. I don’t know how I fit into all of this. I need to think and …and….understand” Diana says with tears in her eyes.

“You are leaving me?” John asks heartbroken

“No, John. Its too late for that. I am in love with you. But I also need time to …. To approach this more soundly. Yesterday I was a woman in love and today I have a target on my back because I am in love…its all too overwhelming”

“I understand” John says as he rubs one stray tear from her cheek with his thumb. He feels sad to be the cause of the tears in her eyes.

“Can you take me back?”

“ I cannot love. Its dangerous. Till I find out who was responsible for this attack on you, I cannot risk your life. Its far too precious. Its my life in yours. You need to stay here”

“But I have class, college…job…friends…responsibilities”

“I will pick you up, drop you to college. You are not a prisoner Diana. I will just be around you so that you are not hurt like this again” John touches Diana’s forehead and kisses it gently.

“My things…stuff…..clothes…”

“…we’ll go tonight and get them”

“John.. .. I know our situation is a bit …unusual…unconventional….but I cannot …its too soon to move in with you…especially in these conditions.”

“You are a target for I don’t know how many people… and that’s what you are worried about Diana? You never fail to surprise me” John chuckles a little.

“John..please. Its not …” Before she could complete her sentence, John places a small peck on her lips and says

“There are many rooms in this house Diana. You can take any one you wish to, till you feel comfortable to share …. “ John smiles and turns around to face the window again “…to share my............ our bed with me. I will not force you”

“But you will force me to stay..?”

“I don’t have an option love. I almost lost you, and I realized at that moment how much you have come to mean to me. If anything happens to you Schatje, I have no idea what destruction I will unleash on the world.”

“How long do I have to stay?”

“Till I handle the….situation.”

“How long will that be”

“A few weeks, maybe”

“and then ..I go home?”

“And then I hope, you wouldn’t want to go home, love”

“All this and you say, I am focused on the wrong things?”

“You being here is my dream come true Diana, irrespective of the…. Conditions”

“..and What about this…right now?” Diana tugs on John’s shirt and shorts that she is wearing.

“you can take it off if you don’t like it love, I don’t mind” John winks and Diana chides him,

“This is not the time John.”

“I cannot help it love. The conditions are unfortunate but it doesn’t change the fact that you look absolutely delectable in my clothes.”

Diana sighs…

“John, is there a room where I can sit quietly and maybe think”

“The house is yours to explore love. Just not the basement, its locked,”

“and what’s in the basement? Another secret of yours?”

“Maybe there is a surprise for you.”

“At this moment, I doubt If anything can surprise me John”

“Give it time, love, give it time”

“You didn’t happen to bring my violin, did you?”

“I did love. I arranged people to bring both your car and violin here”

John picks up the case and gives Diana her violin. Diana smiles and feels warm at his thoughtfulness. She understands how tough it is for John right now. She wants to comfort him, tell him that it might take her time to come around the truth that John shared with her, but it does not change the fact that she loves him as well.

“John…?”

“Yes…” He gives her his full attention.

“It may feel as though we were drowning inside our hearts, as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul, but we will be fine John.”

She stands on her tiptoes and gives John a kiss on his cheek, and that’s the only assurance and strength that John needed. He was ready to take on the world now. Hades, had his queen and now the underworld will see death in its complete glory.

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watchathon · 4 years

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Stitch Day Special: Lilo & Stitch

In case you’re finding this post just by browsing the tags I’ve used for this post, this is the Watch-a-Thon, a blog where I’m hoping to watch an episode of a show every one-to-two days, with a short blog post where I give my thoughts on what I’ve just seen. Each new point starts with a hyphen and a bolded first word.

- Like so.

But today? Well, today I’ve got an extra-special post in the wings about a movie, one of my favorite Disney movies, starring my absolute favorite Disney character: Lilo & Stitch!

- I like the variation on the Disney logo. That is the kind of stuff that they just couldn’t do with their new big fancy CGI logo.

- No clue why Jumba tried to deny that he created an experiment. I don’t much mind since it led to a funny joke, but c’mon, evil genius, you should be smart enough to plead guilty.

- “I would never, ever... make more than one.” *glances meaningfully in the direction of the series*

- “What is that monstrosity...?” He’s a cute widdle fluffball, that’s what he is!

- “Meega nala kweesta!” Canonically, this translates to “I want to destroy”, but that seems a little lukewarm for the reaction he got. Maybe a looser translation is in order...

There could be an entire aristocrats joke in those three words. The whole script to Batman v Superman. The opening notes to “Never Gonna Give You Up”...

Or maybe just “bitch”.

- Blood work is a lot different in space...

- Weird to imagine given the rest of the franchise, but Gantu was once a respected captain of the galactic federation.

- It’s easy to perceive Stitch as a dumb brute, but he’s pretty smart. He connected the dots all on his own, within minutes of his imprisonment, that if the guns are locked onto his DNA, he can use his saliva to trick them. Jumba wasn’t kidding when he boasted of his experiment’s intelligence.

- And not only was Gantu a captain, Pleakley was an expert on the planet Earth. Weird, innit...?

- “Are [humans] intelligent?” “No.” An exchange that only hurts more with every year.

- Love the implication that Pleakley was just suggesting several different relatives to assist with the capture of Stitch from when they were on the deck up until they got to the prison where Jumba was held.

- Now this is what we (or rather TVTropes) call an establishing character moment. A fish floats by holding a sandwich in its mouth, implying (soon confirming) that Lilo was the one to give it the sandwich, before rushing to the hula practice that she was late for, stopping to take a picture of a tourist along the way.

- And then after she arrives at hula practice, she explains that she had to give Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich because he controls the weather.

- No clue why the other girls are disgusted by Scrump. I always wanted a Scrump when I was a little lass.

- “Did you ever kill anyone?” Lilo asks the right questions.

- Nani, y’could’ve avoided this if you’d given a thumbs up instead...

- I don’t get the glare Cobra gives Nani after Lilo says that her friends need to be punished. Voodoo isn’t a failure of parenting. In many cases, at least...

- Licking Nani, growling after her capture, Lilo already has a lot in common with Stitch.

- Lucky that Lilo is such a quirky kid. The scene (semi-)explaining why she takes pictures of tourists was deleted, but it doesn’t feel like anything is missing because she already has a few habits that just plain inexplicable, like feeding Pudge, practicing voodoo with a pickle jar...

- Lilo wishing for an angel because of how lonely she is, that’s a sad moment. But also kinda funny in hindsight after she sarcastically names Stitch’s love interest Angel in the series.

- Lord give me the undisturbed...ness, of that frog who watched Stitch get run over by several trucks and only tilted its head.

- If they thought Stitch was dead, why did they keep it in the shelter? I mean, Lilo would probably adopt a dead dog, but she’s the outlier.

- I like how Jumba programmed, as part of Stitch’s destructive tendencies, an urge to steal everybody’s left shoe.

- You can just about pinpoint the moment where Stitch’s heart drops at learning that he’s on an island with no major cities.

- Just occurred to me that the badness level is red, and Stitch’s evil counterparts in the series (627 and Leroy) are both red.

- Ah, David. One of the best Disney love interests, mostly because he isn’t entirely a love interest. There is a mutual attraction, but Nani just isn’t ready for that with everything going on in her life, and David respects that and is happy to be a friend.

- I like how everyone except Lilo heavily suspects that Stitch isn’t a dog.

- Ohhh, the thought of Stitch having drank coffee. I mean, I’d love to see it, but it’d be Hell for Nani.

- Stitch looks just plain adorable with a lei.

- Well, Lilo, you did tell Stitch he should create something. And he did, he just destroyed his creation afterward.

- Pleakley is a gender-nonconforming icon.

- The first time we see Stitch doing something without even the intention of destroying anything is when he finds the book about the Ugly Duckling. It’s clear that he’s fascinated just by looking at it. And when Lilo explains the story? It resonates with him. Or, well, perhaps he wants it to resonate with him.

- I wish I had an evil koala dog that played records.

- Are we sure that “Meega nala kweesta” means “I want to destroy”? Maybe it means “I was born to dance”, ‘cause Stitch learns about dancing and in less than a minute he’s already an expert.

- I imagine this montage, or slightly earlier, would be when that deleted scene of Lilo trolling the obnoxious racist tourists originally came into play. And I like this scene, but, I do wish that scene hadn’t gotten cut. And I wish that they fully animated it and inserted it into the movie like Warner Bros did with The Iron Giant.

- Nothing cheers me up more than this scene of Stitch and his newfound family going surfing. And especially since Stitch is aquaphobic. He’s very much aware that he cannot swim, and likely wouldn’t survive if he fell off the board into the ocean. But even he eventually gets into the spirit of it, asks Lilo himself to go surfing, and enjoys a nice bonding moment with his family. And David.

- Of course Jumba and Pleakley had to ruin a perfectly sweet moment.

- And so we transition from a heartwarming wholesome moment, to a heartbreaking tearful moment. You can just see Nani holding back tears as she says that she needs to take Lilo home.

As for Stitch, David probably didn’t even realize that Stitch could understand him when he said that Lilo and Nani had a chance until Stitch came along. But Stitch did understand, and he’s visibly hurt by the idea. He always wanted to destroy, but in this moment, he’s ashamed of how he might have destroyed Lilo’s family.

- And the Ugly Ducking metaphor comes back, when in this moment, as Stitch is coming back to a family that he fears he may have ruined, he sees a lone duck... before that duck is followed by a big family of ducklings.

- Lilo says that Stitch cries at night. So, it would seem that even before he completely learned how to be nice, Stitch wasn’t entirely emotionless.

- This whole act of the film is heart-wrenching. First Nani gets confirmation that she and Lilo will be separated, then Stitch starts to fear that he may have caused it. Then because of that? Stitch leaves, taking only the Ugly Duckling book with him. And he can only see in himself the page of the Duckling, lost and crying.

- Then Jumba tells Stitch, who’s already in a bad place emotionally, that he was made to destroy, has no family, and could never have one.

- I don’t want to think about what happened to that chainsaw.

- There’s a certain feeling that comes up in the middle of this fight scene, where you realize that a house is being destroyed, a house belonging to a family that was very much at risk of separation. And you realize that this will only hurt their case beyond any repair.

- If the past day hadn’t been bad enough, Stitch is told by his best friend Lilo that he ruined everything, and to get away.

- And so Nani really does have her sister taken away. Now, taken away by aliens is a lot different than taken away by social services. It’s worse. This way Nani knows that Lilo definitely won’t get a loving family, and Nani will definitely never see her again.

- The confusion is visible on Jumba and Pleakley when Stitch goes and comforts Nani with a quote about family. All they know about Stitch is that he was made to destroy. And then, once he’s captured, he does just about the opposite.

- “Ih.” To this day I sometimes say Ih on reflex when asked a yes-or-no question. Guess I watched this movie way too many times as a kid, huh? ...I regret nothing.

- Originally, the big red plane-looking thing was supposed to just be a plane, and it would’ve flown through a city. And it was changed because it was too soon after 9/11. But me personally, I think the big red thing is real cool, and I like it flying through the valleys.

- “Stitch is unconscious.” I like that Jumba calls Stitch by his name here. In the series, he always calls Stitch “626″ but his name is Stitch. And I like the rare occasion when that’s respected by the mad genius who created him.

- I want to believe that Stitch dodged that laser for the sake of the frog he was holding more than for his own sake. Stitch is strong enough that a few moments later, he survives an explosion of a whole truck that he’s lying on top of.

- Stitch proudly calling himself “cute and fluffy” is another thing I just love. Might be reading too much into it, but I like that he can call himself by those descriptors and still have total confidence in his ability to kick Gantu’s patookie.

- My favorite scene in the movie, and the scene I took the picture from.

Stitch corrects the Grand Councilwoman about his name. And when he’s told that he needs to go in the ship (the implication being that he’ll be punished like he was meant to be at the beginning), he doesn’t rebel or try to escape. He only politely asks that he be allowed to say goodbye.

He explains that his family is “little and broken, but still good”, both explaining it to the councilwoman and reassuring Lilo and Nani.

This is the ultimate display of how Stitch has grown. And he grew because, despite what Jumba said, Stitch could find, and did find, the one true place he belonged: With a good, loving family.

- The Grand Councilwoman is clearly remorseful that they’ll have to separate Stitch from his family, but she can’t bend the law for this one case. And she doesn’t, but it just so happens that, legally speaking, Lilo owns Stitch. And, well, what self-respecting Grand Councilwoman would steal a child’s property?

- A lot of people (including middle-school me) say that the stuff with Stitch and the aliens get in the way of the story of Lilo and Nani. I disagree. These two stories are intertwined, both about people wanting to stay with the family where they know they belong. I just couldn’t, at all, imagine one without the other.

- Now this is the kind of ending I love. It’s become common for animated movies, sequels in particular, to end on the two main characters getting separated. But here? Stitch is now a definitive part of the family, and won’t be separated from them anytime soon. Anime? What anime?

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I guess I’ll be doing this on the rare occasion I cover movies...?

Anyway, this is a great movie. A modern classic. And one of very few things that doesn’t just hold up from when I was a kid, it gets better. When I was a tiny kid, I was only interested in the space aliens. When I was in my early teens, I thought the aliens were kiddy stuff.

But nowadays, I can truly appreciate it. I can appreciate how both aspects are vital to the movie. Lilo and Stitch are both equally important. You can’t have one without the other.

And most of all, I can appreciate the story of Stitch (as well as Jumba and Pleakley) finding a family, and Lilo (as well as Nani) saving theirs from being torn apart.

Lilo & Stitch brings me to tears of both joy and sadness every time I watch it. And I guarantee I’ll be watching it many more times in the future.

...Does it still count as a Stitch Day special if I’m posting after midnight? No, probably not. I thought I’d only take two hours, then I took four and a half. Guess that means I had more thoughts than I thought I did!

#Lilo and Stitch #Lilo & Stitch #language #Jumba Jookiba #Stitch #Experiment 626 #Captain Gantu #Wendy Pleakley #Lilo Pelekai #Scrump #Nani Pelekai #Cobra Bubbles #David Kawena #Grand Councilwoman #long post #my new best post yet #Movie

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expertmakodriver · 4 years

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30 Day Mass Effect Challenge: Day 5

5. Favorite character?

Surprising (hopefully) not a soul: Garry Vakary himself

(Disclaimer: I’m going to be talking about him in the context of the first two games while disregarding the third. Also, while Femshep technically is my favorite character, I already made a post about her, so I’m making this section about Garrus.)

Strap in, folks, because this is going to be a long post.

When I first encountered Garrus, I immediately felt a connection to him since he seemed like one of the few people on the Citadel who actually gave a shit about stopping Saren. Despite being a C-Sec officer bound by red tape, he proved that he was a man of action by leaving all of the bureaucracy behind and getting some real work done with Shepard and the Normandy crew. Since turians and humans had a few remnants of tension between them as a result of the Relay 314 Incident/First Contact War, which was still somewhat recent, it was nice to see another turian, besides Nihlus, act civilly towards a human.

Garrus was so eager to step up and take action against Saren; of course I let him aboard the Normandy. His struggle and Shepard’s struggle with politics are very similar; they both don’t like being told what to do by clueless politicians/higher-ups who try to prevent them from solving problems. This comes into play when Garrus and Shepard begin conversing more and more on the Normandy. I’ve always felt that Garrus’s interactions were a bit more profound than those of any other crew member; they don’t just talk to each other, but exchange opinions and feedback and really try to understand each other. They eventually develop a sort of mentor-protégé relationship to the point where Shepard really has a deep effect on Garrus in terms of his way of viewing the world. I had Shepard lead Garrus down the Renegade path while enforcing a few Paragon ideas (such as being cautious of the thin moral line that any Spectre walks as someone with nearly unlimited power in Citadel space), and I still do to this day.

I’ve always found it funny that Garrus is always super respectful to Shepard despite being a bit of a jerk to pretty much everyone else. Seeing him thank the commander at the end of the game for letting him in on the action and teaching him some valuable lessons was heartwarming, too. It made me kind of sad to think that he would go back to C-Sec after the war with Saren and Soverign was over, especially since he seemed to be so miserable there, but it was nice to know that he would follow Shepard’s lead and train to be a Spectre later on.

Fast forward to Mass Effect 2, and I was so upset when The Illusive Man said that Garrus had disappeared a few months after the Normandy was destroyed. I kept wondering what had happened to him and if he would ever appear in the game again, but when I took a closer look at Archangel’s dossier and noticed the line “omni-tool expert and noted sniper” on it, I became very suspicious despite not wanting to get my hopes up.

Throughout Archangel’s recruitment mission, I kept worrying. Hearing the mercs talk about how Archangel had been cornered and put through hell for the past few days didn’t sit well with me. I think that was the one point at which I hoped that Archangel wasn’t Garrus, because I didn’t want to imagine Garrus going through all of that on his own. When I saw that Archangel had blue armor, I knew for sure it was him. Taking off his helmet and revealing his identity to Shepard made me so happy that I wasn’t at all bothered by how little I was surprised. I wasn’t entirely relieved, though, because Garrus was still in immediate danger. Seeing him so tired and damaged was rough; he was fairly different from the enthusiastic C-Sec officer that I had brought with me on every mission in the previous game. Even though he was exhausted and didn’t exactly have sufficient energy to physically display his emotion, you could tell just how happy he was to see Shepard alive and kicking. “Yeah I shot at you, Shepard. I wanted to get you moving so you could come get my ass out of here.”

When Shepard was forced to leave his side to close the shutters in the base’s lower level, I was in full panic mode. I didn’t trust Jacob or Miranda enough to leave them alone with him. Then when Garrus was nearly killed by the rocket that blew half of his face off, I literally had to pause the game and calm myself down because of how pissed I was. Of course I was distraught at the sight of his motionless body bleeding out on the ground, but I was also upset with the possibility that the game would give me a surprise reunion with my favorite character just to kill him off so quickly. I was, for the second time, overjoyed when I saw that he was alive a few moments later, but hearing him gasping for breath and choking on his own blood with Shepard, who is almost always composed and level-headed, freaking out while trying to help him was heart-wrenching.

Then, right after I see Shepard looking very nervous and upset as Jacob explains the extent of Garrus’s injuries to her back on the Normandy, the smug bastard himself walks out of surgery and just casually waltzes up to Shepard like, “It’s only a flesh wound, I’ve had worse” and I literally thanked BioWare out loud for not killing Garrus. Shepard’s look of absolute relief and joy when she saw that he was okay was very touching, as was the fact that Garrus expresses that he’s more worried about Shepard than himself even though he nearly died a few hours ago. Garrus was so eager to fight alongside Shepard again that he put himself right to work at the Main Battery, and that really demonstrated how much trust he had in Shepard and her motives though I wish there was an option to have Shepard tell Garrus to focus on relaxing and getting some rest. Poor guy just went through hell and already wants to bury himself in calibrations.

While Shepard and Garrus were catching up later on, Shepard was so gentle with Garrus while she asked him about his team and what he had been doing while she was gone, and I could see how broken he was by the death of his team and the betrayal of his former teammate. I felt bad for him. When he asked Shepard to help him find Sidonis a few hours of gameplay later, I knew it was because he wanted the moral support - he wanted Shepard to be there with him while he sought closure with Sidonis (regardless of how he gets it).

Seeing Shepard and Garrus so synchronized while they tracked down Harkin and obtained information about Sidonis was great. They seem more like partners than mentor and student, and that was exactly what the writers were going for.

When it came to allowing or preventing Sidonis’s death, I let Garrus shoot him, and I continue to do so during every playthrough. There are three main reasons for this, the first being that I felt that Shepard shouldn’t be involved in the situation as both a separate party and a non-turian. Turians have their own culture and deal with responsibility and leadership a bit differently than humans do; they pride themselves on taking ownership over their choices and putting the safety and interests of the whole before the individual. Sidonis broke both of these cardinal rules. Garrus, as both a turian and the leader of the group who Sidonis had betrayed, felt obligated to serve justice to Sidonis, another turian, and that is inherently something that Shepard cannot fully understand as a human. It wouldn’t feel right to let Shepard deny Garrus the right to deal with Sidonis in the way that he saw fit.

The second reason is that Sidonis was more than just a coward; he had the opportunity to warn Garrus of the trap set by the mercs for his squad, but he didn’t. Garrus says that he learned through some old contacts that Sidonis “booked transport off of Omega just before the attack” and disappeared. He didn’t even try to make things right with Garrus by confronting him afterwards and apologizing. This is why I’m not bothered by Garrus wanting to kill Sidonis. If I felt that Garrus was being too destructive or going too far, I would have had Shepard steer him back in the right direction. He kept himself in check well enough (like when he didn’t kill Harkin).

And finally, the third reason: If Shepard came back to the Normandy one day and found that everyone - Garrus, Joker, Mordin, Tali, etc - had been slowly and painfully killed by an enemy group because, say, Jacob had been captured and sold Shepard out (and didn’t even try to warn Shepard or stop the attack), you know damn well that most, if not all, players would bring the fury of hell onto him.

Now for the juicy part: Garrus’s romance. When I was innocently exploring Garrus’s dialogue options after his loyalty mission and stumbled across the “We could ease stress together” line, I lost my freaking mind. The game is going to let Shepard sleep with Garrus? Is this for real? I didn’t immediately realize that “easing tension” would turn into “making love and wordlessly declaring mutual feelings for each other”, so I was a little disappointed at first, but I was willing to take what I could get. Garrus was so flustered by Shepard’s proposition, to the point where he seems like he wasn’t expecting her to be interested in him at all, and seeing badass vigilante, merc leader, and hero of Omega turn into a shy softy around her was cute.

Through further dialogue, Garrus began to hint that he had feelings for Shepard, and ugh it was so endearing. He made subtle remarks about wanting more than just “blowing off steam” with her without making his feelings obvious, probably because he didn’t want to chase her away with his heart, and when I combined this with the fact that despite these feelings, which he has had for who knows how long now (maybe even the first game?), he isn’t the one to make the first move, I realized that Garrus was probably too afraid of approaching Shepard with any sort of interest that he had in her because he didn’t want to be rejected and/or feared ruining their relationship. That was the final straw for me: I was super attached to his character at this point. The little dork wanted to watch porn to learn how to properly satisfy a human woman and thought that playing shitty club music was a good idea. The nerd. The doofus. I love him.

I’m just going to admit it: the first time I saw his romance scene with Shepard right before the Omega 4 Relay, I went from laughing as he awkwardly played techno music and tried to woo Shep with his bad flirting skills to tearing up as he confessed to her that he wanted their time together to be special and that he wanted to do things right. Notice how this is different from something he said previously about how if their romantic rendezvous goes south due to species incompatibility, fighting the Collectors would be “a welcome distraction” and wouldn’t be a big deal. Oh, no. It would be a big deal. Garrus wants to give Shepard the best final moment of peace he can before they take on the Collector base, and when Shepard shut him up and they touched foreheads (which I suppose is like the turian equivalent of a kiss given that turians don’t have lips to kiss with) I just lost my mind. I cried and I’m not ashamed to say it. It takes a lot to make me cry, since I’m not easily moved, but seeing Garrus and Shepard so happy in such a tender moment was too much for me. My two favorite characters enjoying peace and joy that they deserve. Beautiful.

The suicide mission - I have all my upgrades, all loyalty missions complete, and I’m still freaking out about who is going to die and who is going to survive. I made the right choices in terms of who I assigned to what, but even with Garrus at Shepard’s side the whole time, I was again in full panic mode. I had like three separate heart attacks thinking that Garrus was about to be killed. I was literally shouting in horror as this happened:

Everything worked out in the end, though. The whole crew survived, the base was destroyed, and Shepard got to snuggle with Garrus in her cabin afterwards. I was very, very happy.

So yeah, Garrus having such a profound character and being not just a likable badass but also Shepard’s most loyal companion is why I love him so much. Evidently, this is also why he’s one of the most, if not the most, popular characters from Mass Effect. Archangel owns all of our asses.

#mass effect #30dayMEchallenge #day5 #tl;dr garrus is best boy #me1 #me2 #femshep #shakarian

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empowercbcgl · 4 years

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Silence and Sleep

This post was written by Michael Ni who will be graduating from Boston University in Winter 2020. Hopefully he can find a job afterwards or something. Here is a collection of his various musings about his faith in his recent college years.

I would like to preface by stating that I will be referencing a few sources, both secular and religious. While it is important for us as Christians to meditate upon our Divine command, it is my belief that only through ruminating the words of others can we truly strengthen our faith beyond a superficial level. In his book Art as Experience, American philosopher and writer John Dewey states that “A poem and picture present material passed through the alembic of personal experience. They have no precedents in existence or in universal being. But, nonetheless, their material came from the public world and so has qualities in common with the material of other experiences, while the product awakens in other persons new perceptions of the meanings of the common world”. If we so choose to examine the teachings and musings of both Christian and non-Christian writers alike, we strengthen both our faith in His divine power as well as our resolve to defend this faith.

We often view the embodiment of wisdom as an elderly, perhaps scholarly, man or woman, regaling those around them with tales of their vast experiences or cryptic and grave-sounding prose or parable, meant to evoke a lesson or invoke a period of introspection. However, I believe that each and every person, without regard to their age or experiences has some degree of wisdom worthy to share with the world. In fact, it is a fallacy itself to believe that a wise or even perfect man is above learning a new lesson. While God himself is the Great Teacher of humanity, I believe that there is wisdom to be found beyond just His holy scripture that may teach us to better interpret His will.

“Every word has consequences. Every silence, too.” -Jean Paul Sartre

A large part of reaching emotional maturity lies in our ability to live with others. Learning our boundaries with people, setting our limits on how to speak or act, and even how to interpret our outlook on those around us are important aspects to becoming a mature and contributing member of both society and the natural world. Intersubjectivity is a term used by philosophers to refer to the psychological relations between people, as opposed to the traditional Cartesian view of solipsism, the individual experience. French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre describes the intersubjective experience in his book Being and Nothingness as something he calls “The Look”. Imagine yourself walking through an empty park alone, taking in the sights and sounds, appreciating the world for what it is to you when you suddenly notice a man on a bench. The man looks up at you and immediately, for a split moment, you are unnerved. From the moment your gazes cross, you both now realize that you are not alone and the world around you which you had interpreted in your own way, is now a shared experience, no longer subject to your interpretation alone. In order to learn to exist in the presence of others, we must learn to live with The Look. Simply put, it is of utmost importance that we realize that the world itself is not set up specifically to cater to our will but is a realm we must share with others and their views.

One of my primary struggles as a Christian is learning to coexist with people who do not share my beliefs. While on a surface level this includes communicating with non-Christians who may believe in a different God or no God, I also run into the conflict of communicating with Christian believers who share my same core beliefs but have differing views on concepts such as social justice, or sexual bigotry. Truthfully, this is an aspect of my faith I have not yet been able to solve, but my confidence lies in the fact that while God is my Almighty Father, my connection to the Hereditary and Original Sin have imparted upon me the privilege of wisdom and the ability of free will. Thus I am no longer subject to merely bear witness to the atrocities of false prophets and the destruction of Sodom, but am empowered to speak up against the face of hatred that masks itself under the guise of the Christian faith.

Sartre claims that “essence precedes existence”, that is, that the personality is not built upon pre-existing models or natural purpose, because it is the conscious human who chooses to engage in behaviors or enterprise. As an example, while the traditional Christian view is that marriage is the union of man and woman in Christ’s spirit, it becomes my free will, my essence, to cement a potentially different belief, for my existence itself is imperfect by nature, as Adam and Eve indulged in the Fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Rebellion is not sinful by nature. In fact, sometimes rebelling against the word of God further bolsters the strength of our faith as we learn new insights of what His will truly is. The most fatal path to take when facing adversity against both our justice or our faith, even when originating from ourselves, is silence, as “the dead do not praise the Lord, nor do any who go down into silence (Psalms 32:3 ESV). The time of passivity in the face of injustice has passed, rather it should have never existed to begin with. Now is the time for us to no longer stay silent but to speak out against the evils present, for “what we do now echoes in eternity” (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations).

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” -Rumi

In his poem “A Great Wagon” Rumi describes a field, a world beyond even the concepts of right and wrong, where the world is too full to talk about, and ideas, language or the phrase “each other” no longer matter. There is tranquility and peace to be found in Rumi’s words, imagining a field where the “breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you” and “people go back and forth between the door-sill where the two worlds touch”; A field where we are bathed in the light of salvation; Able to touch God. In a world distraught by conflict, plague and violence, we can only imagine this field, where the wrongdoings of others no longer matter, and the need for right-doing is a thing of the past, where the people of the world can coexist in harmony under the loving embrace of the Lord.

However, we cannot delude ourselves into believing that this “doorsill”, the threshold to this beautiful world, can be traversed so easily. Happiness is built upon the backs of those who have sacrificed. Both the biblical martyrs and those who die to bring injustice to light have established the better, brave new world we live in today. This is another struggle I have had with my faith in the past. Is it right to live blissfully upon this pyramid of bones and bloodied soil? What is the worth of my happiness where nothing was staked? Even Jesus, the great martyr and redeemer, who died for the sins of all of mankind; Am I permitted to rejoice and exist in comfort today?

“Don’t go back to sleep. You must ask for what you really want.” For the past five to six years and even to today, I have battled with depression. Depression is not sadness. Depression is the lack of vitality, the loss of the mind’s ability to wake up and experience life itself. There were countless mornings when I would wake up and stay in bed, not because I was physically exhausted, but because I no longer had the will to stand up and face the day. There were sometimes months-long periods where not a single day passed without me thinking about how much I wished to die. What kept me going was not the fear of pain of death, nor the sinful nature of taking one’s own life, nor even the grief of loved ones had it come to pass. Within the tempest of hopelessness and hatred for the world, there was a single anchor for hope; There was work that needed to be done in the world. Even though change on a global or national level was far beyond my jurisdiction, I felt compelled to do something with my life. I felt that I had not yet paid the toll that my life was worth. While each day I struggled, I needed to endure them, and while each small step I took towards my healing was arduous, they were victories, and I needed to claim them, no matter how hollow. God has set forth a path for our salvation. Let us fight for this salvation with our own hands. In the words of Marcus Aurelius in his Meditations, “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” It is my mortal duty to open the door to Rumi’s field for those who have not yet found their salvation.

Don’t go back to sleep. You may not want to wake up again tomorrow. You may no longer feel compelled to do kindness upon others. “Let us not sleep, as others do, but let us watch and be sober… putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet, the hope of salvation” (1 Thessalonians 5:4-8 ESV). Truthfully it is beyond my capability to say that better days are yet to come for either you or me, but even still, let our love and faith resonate and move the hearts of others, so that we may one day see justice prevail as we walk together into a field beyond all ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing. God has granted everyone the right to live, thus it is our duty to fight for this right.

“Let your kindness be like rain, that cares not about whom it falls upon” -Rumi

#reflection

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atamascolily · 4 years

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lily liveblogs “terminator 2: judgment day” for the first time, part 3

(First and second parts here and here, respectively)

I like that Miles Dyson is a black computer geek, a manager, a programmer, a rich man with a wife he clearly adores. It's just sad that he's also going to destroy the world, and is on a collision course with our heroes. I think that's the point - that good intentions/ideals/not being a terrible person don't save you from doing terrible things...

Miles' computer has a sign taped to the top saying "BIT HAPPENS" aaaaahhhh, he's such a nerd, I love him... except his subsequent speech to his wife makes clear he is so determined to perfect everything and not really consider the consequences, aaahhhh. but he does turn off the computer and go spend time with his kids, and the family is really cute together, so he's very very human and relatable.

(this movie is so freakin' relevant in 2019 on so many levels, I can't even)

Sarah is still wearing her psych ward clothes under her jacket, just like Kyle did for most of the first movie, parallels...

I love Sarah's expression when Enrique offers the T101 booze, and she just grabs it and drinks it out of the bottle, like WE DO NOT WASTE ALCOHOL ON ROBOTS IN THIS HOUSE, ENRIQUE. lolololol.

OH MY GOD SARAH'S WEARING ALL BLACK AND A TANK TOP NOW AND I CANNOT GET OVER HOW AWESOME SHE LOOKS

"Just drop by anytime and totally fuck up my life, all right?" - this franchise in one sentence

Of course the T101 isn't going to survive this movie, and we learn this in a literal Chekhov's Armory. oh, and there's a big, fucking gun. I'm sure we'll see that again.

Sarah's biceps continue to be amazing, all those pull-ups paid off big time. I'm in total awe.

Male bonding with engine repair. it's endearing. John blames Sarah for telling potential father figures about Judgement Day and scaring them off. Poor John just wants a father. GOD I WISH KYLE REESE HAD SURVIVED.

Just realized the only reason John knows how to re-program a T101 is because his younger self did it again when they sent that same T101 through time. HISTORY CREATES ITSELF, THE FUTURE CREATES THE PAST, IT'S ALL ONE BIG, STABLE TIME LOOP.

Sarah watching John with the T101 and realizing it's the perfect father for him. I'm surprised there aren't AUs where she starts sleeping with the T101, too, for similar reasons. Kyle Reese would be spinning in his grave...

I was hoping for another Michael Biehn scene when Sarah falls asleep, but no, it's that playground again...

OH GOD, that woman in the dream looks just like her in the '80s, and she's even wearing a dress that looks like the waitress dress... holding a kid and living a normal life... ahhhh, what Sarah really wants (even though she's a badass on the outside and so strong and competent). I don't know how I feel about this. Like on the one hand, Sarah has massive PTSD, and this is a totally valid thing for her to want, and on the other hand, given how this film keeps treating women, it feels kinda regressive?? Sigh.

Then she burns and everybody burns when the bomb goes off... this is James Cameron's signature nightmare image and it's ours, too, now... callbacks to the first movie and the liquid melting flesh of the new Terminator....and Sarah’s photo burning, ahhhhh.

There's all this destruction, but no blood. That's the thing I notice most about this movie--there's just as much violence as the first film, but it's all CLEAN violence... hardly any blood at all. Horror is bloody. Action is not. I don't think I realized that fully until I watched these two films back to back.

it's too bad Sarah couldn't see a real therapist instead of Silbermann for all this time, because she has such a tremendous case of PTSD.

She drives off without saying good-bye to John, he's supposed to go to safety, but of course he won't.

John says that his father told Sarah there's no fate but what we make for ourselves, which is technically true since he said it to her in this movie, but didn't SHE say that to HIM? Oh, right, it's a message from John that he gives to her so she can give it to John later so he can give it to Kyle. Right.

Why is John so upset that Sarah is trying to change the timeline after all? Because he might not be conceived? I doubt he's thinking about temporal loops here? Or does he think he can help her? Or because he thinks she’s crossed a Moral Event Horizon by going after Dyson?

T101 is like, "dude, your mom's probably right," and John's all, "I don't care!" RIGHT YOU STUPID ASSHOLE, you're going to let millions of people die instead?? You can tell he hasn't been fighting at all yet.

I'm all Team Sarah here. John Connor has yet to convince me why he's in the right here. Why shouldn't Sarah try to shift them onto a better timeline if she can? Especially since it’s not 100% clear what her plan is??

(And if she's wrong, then her actions were necessary in order to create the original future, so... it gets complicated to sort out. I get it.)

Okay, she’s at Dyson’s house. She's going to try to kill him, but she doesn't really need to kill him, just destroy the Terminator chip he's using as a model. She's basically become a human version of the Terminator now, because Cameron loves his parallels...can she not see there are other options?

Speaking of which, there's a radio controlled toy truck that Dyson's son is driving through the house, lol.

Yup, there's a red laser guide beam just like the T1 did to her. And she's going to see Dyson with his kid and think better of it, because she yearns for innocent time with her own kid (that she didn't have because she was training for the future).

NOPE, she shoots him, but he ducks when the car hits his foot, and he hides behind his desk just like Sarah did in T1. The circle is complete. She's even firing automatic rounds like the first Terminator did. SHE’S BECOME THE ENEMY NOW.

Sigh, the first time Sarah talks to a woman in this movie, and she's calling her a bitch and telling her to get down on the floor after she's shot her husband. I hate this so much.

She can't shoot him. His wife and son are watching and she realizes what she's become. She's doing to Dyson what the Terminator did to her.

The fact that Dyson, who is black, got his home shot up by a white woman and nearly killed while his family watched in terror is... not a great image, and I can only imagine what must be going through their heads right now.

Dyson recognizes the metallic hand once the Terminator strips its skin off. Wow, what a gory move to prove the truth. effective, though.

"You're judging me on things I haven't even done yet" - Sarah's face here when Dyson says that.

Sarah has no patience for Dyson's protestations of innocence: how could you think that eliminating humans from the decision-making process would go well? She says "Men like you--" and all I can hear is "patriarchy".

The difference between Dyson and Sarah is Dyson did his invention purposefully, whereas all Sarah was supposed to do was have a kid. She could have died once John was born and it wouldn't necessarily have mattered, because her role is finished (just like Reese could die). Still, her line, "You don't know what it's like to really create something" is so IRONIC in this context... would men feel the need to create weapons of war if they could create life like women do??

I hate teenage John shutting Sarah down, because she's right, if not tactful, and I'm so tired of people dismissing Sarah and even her own kid is treating her like a crazy person when she’s just so goddamn tired and haunted by visions of the end of the world.

Tarissa (Dyson's wife) asks the smart question: Aren't we changing things now, just by having this conversation? Dyson says, no way I'm finishing this now that I know. Would that the future worked like that.

god, why didn't Sarah just bring the Terminator with her as proof she wasn't crazy? Why did she have to shoot Dyson BEFORE all this?? why wasn’t she thinking outside the box? sigh. she’s not stupid.

They go to Cyberdyne headquarters and Sarah is wearing a jacket like Kyle’s, oh my heart. Dyson is taking this amazingly well--we were right to like him--but I'm pretty sure he's not going to survive the movie. Although since this is action and not horror, maybe he has a chance??

I like the contrast between the security cams in the state hospital and the Cyberdyne building. Glass doors, too.

Oh, the T1000's going to be waiting for them because he knew they would show up here because IT IS WRITTEN. I wonder if he's hiding in the floor somewhere like he did before??

Dyson might be able to get out of this by claiming Sarah and the T101 forced him at gunpoint to break in, assuming he survives.

Good thing John is a budding hacker!! He can open the doors when the guard trips the alarm and locks the doors.

John knows EXACTLY WHAT SARAH MEANS when she warns him about "fire in the hole".

I like how the mechanical factory of the previous movie is now a sleek and shiny '90s lab with computers and chips and things. And now they have a collaborator on the inside who's working with them to take it down instead of being totes on their own.

The T1000 is at Dyson's house. How did he track them there? Did Tarissa call the police?? But he gets the police call about the raid of Cyberdyne, so hopefully Tarissa and her kids survive the night.

Parallels to the police helicopters and cops in the parking lot with the human beings on the ground vs. the machines in the opening.

Cyberdyne is using literally the same locking software as the bank ATM, lol.

ahahahah, it's a remote control to set the bombs off, because even more parallels, lolololol

oh, hey, there's the big fucking gun with a freaking mountain of automatic bullets. Ironically, the name for this monstrosity is "mini-gun". somehow, he shoots all the cars and doesn't kill anyone - he's just that good a shot!! Just enough to make the cops get clear. Then he shoots the cars to make them blow up. CLEVER.

Of course John doesn't destroy the chip once he gets it out of the safe, because where's the drama in that??

SHIT. THE POLICE SHOOT MILES AS THEY ENTER THE ROOM FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK I HATE THIS. They don’t even try to save him, or seem aware that Sarah might be using him as a hostage. and of course he's got the detonator in his hands, too.

all this shattered glass reminds me of the police station sequence from T1, but it's way less of a slaughter.

T101 busts through the clean room to save Sarah, just like he did the mall walls before.

Miles dies. His hand drops. The building explodes. GOD DAMN IT I LIKED HIM WHYYYYYYYY.

"we got a war zone here"-- oh, you just wait. Probably there's going to be Judgement Day anyway and Miles died for NOTHING. *sob*

Okay now the T1000 shows up.

"I'll be back," says the T101, because of course he does.

Good thing they brought an oxygen mask to a gun battle!!

The T101 is so creative. He won't kill you, but he'll still shoot you in the legs, and it will hurt like hell.

lol, the T1000 literally rides in on a flaming motorcycle OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE. He even takes it up the staircase WHAT.

meanwhile the T101 is firing tear gas, and then pulling peoples' masks off. Then he drives a truck back into the building to pick Sarah and John up.

THERE'S ONLY ONE GODDAMN CASUALTY IN THIS ENTIRE SEQUENCE AND IT'S THE BLACK GUY, WHO WAS A FUCKING GOOD GUY, I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS!!! All the white cops get to live, but not the black dude who was an actual character. FUCK THIS.

T1000 rides his motorcycle off the edge of the building and hijacks the helicopter to chase after John. He tells the pilot to "Get out" and the guy does, but idk if he survived? OWWWWWW.

John tells Sarah of course he'll stay hidden behind the bullet-proof vests, but of course he doesn't.

Yeah, John was getting shot at by intelligent machines from the sky long before it was cool. No wonder he's the leader of the resistance... he was literally trained from birth for this! Plus, you know, he had help. From the future.

Sarah gets shot in the leg, owwww. The helicopter rams the truck and crashes. So does the truck. This is just like the bridge scene in T1, isn't it?

Ohhh, a gas truck showed up, so YEAH THINGS ARE GOING TO EXPLODE. Oh, it's liquid nitrogen, not gas, does that make a difference? Oh, maybe that has an effect on the Terminator melting metal??

Both the dudes who stopped to check on them are going to get killed... yeah. Sigh. Oh, one of them went over the edge, he might have survived.

Pity anybody who is on this road tonight, 'cause it's clobbering time!!

Oh, good thing John knows how to drive! And they take the off-ramp, just like they did before in the river chase.

Oh, good, just bust through the gate into a random factory, that always goes well. Ah, drive right into the middle of a molten steel pour. EPIC.

Liquid nitrogen everywhere. This is so going to be relevant in a moment.

Good, all the workers flee. Fewer casualties that way.

The liquid nitrogen makes him frosty and metallic. He's literally shattering. This can't be the end, though, because we still have at least twenty minutes left.

The T101 shoots him and he shatters. But doesn't each piece keep hunting??

Yup, the hot steel is melting the nitrogen, he's coming back.

John's carrying Sarah just like Sarah carried Kyle at the end of T1... and the T1000 comes out of the liquid in the same pose as it came into the past...

Sarah's hair is loose and crazy-looking, and she's also lost her agency since she's been shot and in shock. Symbolism is not lost on me.

Now the T1000 starts mimicking the scenery. Now they're in the part of the factory with machines. t101 stays behind. John's going to lose his father-figure again, but find him in the future again I guess?

Oh, the T101 gets his hands trapped underneath a giant gear, IRONY. And the T1000 just literally rolls its eyes and walks away because it doesn't give a fuck about anything but John. T101 hacks off his own arm, while Sarah and John stumble up more stairs just like T1. God, I hope Cyberdyne doesn't find that arm stuck in the machine gears and destroy the world with it... JUST LIKE LAST TIME.

Sarah puts John on a conveyor belt while she stays behind to fight. JUST LIKE T1.

She shoots a literal hole in his head and it doesn't work... no blood, just cgi silver stuff... and this is simultaneously horrifying and yet cheapening the effect of real blood/bullets, etc...

He pins her to the wall. All he needs is to touch her. He tells her to call to John - he can mimic her voice, of course this was coming...

But the T101 intervenes! Now he's getting rammed with a hydraulic press, just like last time. Crawling towards him, just like before... but he gets stabbed again and shorts out. Good thing Terminators are hard to kill.

T1000 takes Sarah's form and starts calling for him. God, this dude must be so freakin' paranoid as an adult knowing this. Actual Sarah shoots Fake Sarah and he transforms back into his usual form. He doesn't say anything, just waggles his finger at her, and it is is scarier than any one-liner possibly could be.

"Get down!" -arc words, apparently, since that was also what happened in the beginning. The T101 shows up and shoots the T1000 back into the pool of molten metal and then it's really over. But not before he turns into a CGI silver monstrosity first.

Chorus sings the Terminator theme slowly and dramatically while the thing transforms into every form it's ever taken, including Sarah because we needed more symbolism of Sarah's face melting in flames in this franchise. Oh, wait, no, I think that was the only one we didn't see. Wow.

Oh, man it's like being at the fires of Mount Doom when John tosses the first Terminator arm from T1 into the molten pit. Of course a piece of the chip has broken off somewhere - they should have destroyed it in the lab!! Sigh.

The T101 has to toss himself in to prevent anyone else from finding the chip. ahhhh, John has to sacrifice what he loves for the world. Sob. So much for being a happy Terminator family together, except in fic. And it doesn't matter because of that goddamn missing piece *sob* Miles' death, this... for nothing if anyone finds that missing chip piece. AAAAAAH.

"I can't self-terminate"--wow, that means Sarah and John have to do it themselves, EVEN WORSE. John is pulling a Frodo and screaming a lot.

Wow, Cameron managed to make us feel AWFUL and SAD at the death of a Terminator. Well played, sir, well played. John cries. T101 and Sarah shake hands. It's all so moving. fuck.

ONCE AGAIN, SARAH PRESSES THE BUTTON TO KILL HIM OMG. John is forced to watch someone who came from the future to protect him, whom he came to love dearly after just a day or so of knowing him, DIE IN FRONT OF HIM, just like Sarah in T1.

GOD IT'S SO HOPEFUL AN ENDING, BUT WHAT ABOUT THAT MISSING CHIP CHUNK, DAMN IT!! And the, uh, severed robot arm the T101 left behind? We end the movie in pretty much exactly the same space as we began - with an arm and a chip unaccounted for. I do not find this hopeful.

#Movie Reviews #terminator #terminator 2

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sasorikigai · 4 years

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Scorpion Playlist; Roaming Untethered Hellfire

Disturbed - Inside the fire: End your grief with me. There's another way.

Disturbed - The Vengeful One: He is observing the chaos, taking in the lack of raw humanity. It's as if the entire world's fallen in love with their insanity. Hear the innocent voices scream as their tormentors laugh through all of it.

Morbid Angel - The Vengeance is Mine: The power is in me, hellspawn in aeturnum. I burn with hate to rid this world of the nazarene

Slipknot - Duality: I have screamed until my veins collapsed. I've waited last, my time's elapsed.

Slipknot - The Devil in I: Your station, is abandoned. Fool you cause I know what you've done. Sensation, deprivation. You should've burned when you turned on everyone.

In This Moment - Big Bad Wolf: You see I am the wolf, And this dirty, little piggy lives.inside of me. You see every now and then, I forget which one that I want and which one that I need.

Death - Infernal Death: Existence fading into ashes. Burn those bodies to infernal death.

Ashes Remain - End of Me: Torn apart by this affliction. locked up inside myself. This life is much too young to fadei ran away from the pain.

Papercut Massacre - Lose My Life: You would give your life tonight. The sky is burning The fear consuming. I'll live forever if I lose my life tonight.

From Ashes to New - Stay This Way: Everything inside of me is what it is, it's not changing. For you, for you; to myself, I stay true.

From Ashes to New - My Fight: Broke my trust and watched me bleed, ignored my pleas and squashed my dreams.

Imagine Dragons - Believer: You're the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh The blood in my veins, oh ooh. But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing. Inhibited, limited. 'Til it broke up and it rained down. It rained down, like.

Demon Hunter - More than Bones: I will send to you a passage far beyond my time. Hear my fury echo through your cold.

Seether - Broken: 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome. And I don't feel right when you've gone away. You've gone away. You don't feel me here anymore.

Evanescence - My Immortal: These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase.

Thrice - Black Honey: I keep swingin' my hand through a swarm of bees. I can't understand why they're stingin' me, But I'll do what I want, I'll do what I please. I'll do it again 'til I've got what I need.

Nine Inch Nails - My Violent Heart: Into fire you can send us from the fire we return. You can label us a consequence of how much you have to learn.

Marco Tica - This is the End: (instrumental)

Hanzo Hasashi Playlist; Seeking Reconciliation with His Own Humanity

Leader - Warrior Inside: I'm alive, a revolution, lies inside. I'm alive, no longer, will this hate, divide and I'll stand. I will fight, just to survive, I won't be denied, I'm a warrior, inside.

Lamb of God - Embers: Only embers remain, refusing to fade. There's still light to find our way. Only embers remain, black turning to gray. There's still light to find our way. Only embers remain.

The Wreckage - Breaking Through: Don't tell me everything is all right (I know you know). Don't tell me how to live my life. I'm breaking through tonight.

Godsmack - Under Your Scars: wish you were here right beside me. So i could watch you sleep, hold you body closer, breathe you deep and everything feels broken when you’re not next to me

Linkin Park - Iridescent: Do you feel cold and lost in desperation. You build up hope but failure's all you've known. Remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go, let it go.

Falling in Reverse - It’s Over When It’s Over: I've got my life laid out in front of me like roads drawn on a map. I've had so many times where I slipped off the beaten path. I took the time to see the picture and for what it's worth. I'd walk a thousand miles without my shoes to make it work.

Spoken - Through It All: Through it all, we've been thrown in the fire. We've been lost in the flame - But we will rise from the ashes again. All our hearts have been broken, we´ve been burned by the flame. But we will rise from the ashes again.

Nine Nich Nails - Mr. Self-Destruct: I take you where you want to go. I give you all you need to know. I drag you down, I use you up. Mr. Self Destruct.

Nine Inch Nails - The Hand that Feeds: Just how deep do you believe? Will you bite the hand that feeds? Will you chew until it bleeds? Can you get up off your knees? Are you brave enough to see? Do you wanna change it?

My Darkest Days - Save Yourself: Save yourself, from a life, full of lies and a heart full of pain and sorrow! Save yourself, from the choices, I make, 'cause nothing but failure follows me. Save yourself, save yourself!

Cam - Burning House: I had a dream about a burning house. You were stuck inside I couldn't get you out. I lay beside you and pulled you close and the two of us went up in smoke.

Cult To Follow - Leave It All Behind: Suffocate everything. They complicate everything. They steal your fate everyday but you can't believe it. Take yourself far away from nothingness. A million miles from emptiness.

Hollywood Undead - Lion: I am a lion and I want to be free. Do you see the lion when you look inside of me?

Ashes Remain - Without You: Even if you take it all away, I'll wait, for you. Even when the light begins to fade, I'll wait, for you. I'm so desperate calling out your name. Meet me in this broken place.

Fable - Killing Our Memories: The sky is breaking me tonight. I wish that you were by my side. The world keeps falling under me. I wish that you could see.

Skillet - Rise: All I see is, shattered pieces. I can't keep it, hidden like a secret. I can't look away from all this pain, in the world we've made.

The Veer Union - Bitter End: I won't ever surrender like that. I know better, to ever fall back. The enemy was living in my head, I ripped it out and left it there for dead.

Starset - Carnivore: All my life they let me know. How far I would not go. But inside the beast still grows. Chewing through the ropes.

Pelican - Strung up from the Sky: (instrumental)

#✗ always an ear to the ground (musetunes)#✗ the ineffable testimony of spawned hellfire (scorpion)#✗ roaming untethered hellfire (ii)#✗ seeking reconciliation with his own humanity (iii)#(AHHH I've had this too long in my drafts and I think I have enough songs as of now)#(subject to be added more)

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edgarallennegro · 5 years

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Cosmos: The Universe and You

This is the first thing poetry wise I’ve actually finished. I started at about the end of 2016. It’s 2018. I think they’re done. I came back to them because I needed to keep busy. In coming back to them I’ve found a reminder of how in tune I am with the universe. Everything is kinda shitty right now. What’s life without your ups and downs though. These poems are about love, life, and outer space. This is for the broken voyagers. Life is beautiful. Whatever you’re going through never forget this. Reconnect. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to be sad. There is beauty in those things too. You’re human. Never forget this. This is the most beautiful thing about you. All the imperfections. Love them. Love always. Unconditionally, infinitely, effortlessly, and endlessly.

Part I: The Expedition

1. Takeoff

One day you'll French kiss fate, and embrace the fact that it is your destiny to dance amongst the stars. Promise me. Promise me that you won't forget me, as I was, as I am, as I loved, and as I cared for you. You can always come home. You're not a failure for doing so. You can always cry in my arms for as long you need to. I'll embrace you like you never left and a moment never passed when we didn't share the same space. As if there had never been time and distance between us. As if our paths had been one forever. You can leave. But promise me you'll come back. Unfazed and untouched. Promise me that time is a non factor. That distance and experience won't harm our connection. Lie to me and tell me that things won't change. Lie to me because you love me and I love you and that's okay. Because even though I know you're lying to me I'll still love you anyway. And as bad as things may seem or get; We'll always be okay.

2. Zero-G

Nowhere with you was always better than anywhere at all. I'd follow you into the deep oblivions of a world unknown. The parts of the galaxy that can't be seen with the strongest of telescopes. You had me wrapped around your being; holding everything together as the rings did for Saturn. My Milky Way lover. To infinity and beyond. Then beyond that. Most loves are heavy. Weighing on ones being until they give way or become strong enough to carry it due to the burden of it. Ours was zero-g. Floating on promises and sweet words uttered in the presence of the moon. I'd followed Wendy to Neverland; in hopes that we'd never land and remain forever young sharing a weightless love.

3. Apollo 11

A long time ago I loved someone that could never be mine and it was the most bittersweet kind of love I'd ever experienced. I had landed my shuttle in the palm of her hands and found myself unable to plant my flag in her heart. I followed her being like the eyes of a child gazing upon a shooting star for the first time in awe and wonder only to find that soon; she'd capture the gaze of another and another after that until she'd eventually found her home somewhere in the vast sky being viewed and admired by someone as special as her. Who was I to stop her from settling? From belonging to another? The heart is the most powerful most precious thing in the world. Who was I to stop her from giving hers to another? Over 6 billion people in the world I retain that she is one of the most important in existence. I retain that without her I'd never know what love is. Even if she never reciprocated the notion. I retain that she is the greatest love of all because she is my first love and that is something you never forget; like the name of the first man who landed on the moon.

Part II: New Frontiers

4. Old Earth, New Ways

Earth is over 4 billion years old. Imagine having all that time. All that life. Imagine. The countless experiences spanning over a billion years. When I was younger things were different. When we all were young things were different. The effect of all that time? Change. Things change. I remembered how Christmas felt like Christmas until you were too old to believe in Santa; and too old to really receive the fun shit anymore. I remembered the very first I love you and that bittersweet goodbye that was actually more like a "see you later" but we had both knew better. I’ve remembered and forgotten. This is human. I am human. We are human. There are over 6 billion of us inhabiting this space. 6 billion memories. 6 billion separate experiences. All undergoing a constant evolution that will stretch far beyond our life time. A never ending change. Now tell me. Have you ever felt so small?

5. The Voyage

Distance would be an understatement. You and I are now light years away. Can you feel it? The distance plucking at the strings of our hearts like a long practiced viola player in an orchestra. The places you've gone. People you've met. So alien to me. Who is this lover of mine? The girl who was as sweet and pure as sugar cane. We were young. Maybe I was too naive. Hope can only get you so far. I remember the first "I love you" we'd ever shared. How it easily rolled off the tongue like the answer to a question one knew without hesitation. How far we'd come. How far you've gone. A bond is only as strong as the things holding it together. When I could hold you no longer. Would you find solace knowing that my love transcended a physical state? Would that be enough? Float on love. Even though you are different my love for you remains. I am scared. I can only imagine that you are too. Have you forgotten me and replaced my memory with those of a new found lover? You promised you wouldn't. That was some time ago. You may have found home somewhere else in the care of another. Home is still here for you. My arms waiting to embrace you and in that moment whisper the words "I love you"; and our hearts would explode like a star long past its expiration date. Wherever you are. Whoever you are now. I still love you. You can still come back.

6. Lady Venus

Bracing for impact. You hit me hard and I liked it. You are Lady Venus. My lover that shines brighter than them all. How I've waited a lifetime for you. Wrote about you only dreaming of your existence. Wishing upon countless stars. Muttering prayers in the silence of my room to a being I'm not whole heartedly sure existed. Because I needed you. Maybe he heard me because you have all the qualities of a being most certainly celestial. The face of an angel. The grace of a well practiced dancer. How you effortlessly cause my heart to melt into a puddle of joy and bliss. A warmth unfamiliar to I. So pure and genuine. Time. Life's most precious commodity used to create memories. I’d spend an abundance with you. Never quite able to get enough. I thirst for more. Crave it. Every second precious like the jewels hoisted in your crown. You are queen. My queen. My royalty. How prized your presence is. To belong to. To share deeper with another. Well beyond surface. I venture to your center. Your core. To hold close and dear what is mine. Your heart. And in exchange for such gift I leave you mine. We are fated together you and I. Custom. Tailored to the emotions and feelings of one another. Connected on a plain beyond physical. Spiritual. You are the light that is mine and I can’t help but stare and admire my Lady Venus when she shines.

Part III: Homecoming

7. Lost Signal

If I tried to phone home; I don’t think I’d get an answer. I fear that the line has been cut. Disconnect. What is lost can always be found in the eye that looks harder than none. Love does this. True love. Looks closer than any telescope could ever any planet in this galaxy or the next. It admires. Knows of nothing more pure than what appears before it. The eyes, heart, and mind become one. All is absolute. That signal. It is connection. My satellite is tethered to your being. I hover from a distance sending you messages in a language founded by our tongues and our tongues only. A language founded in moments shared and treasured. A language that transcends words. Feeling. How your heart races and breaths become hurried. A signal of the anxiety my touch brings you and vice versa. Reconnect. I hope the messages I’ve sent find their way to you in this time. That you remember all the ways we’ve connected. How I’ve intertwined my soul with yours in all the right places. How we were once one. How we breathed life and so much more into the universe we shared with one another. Reconnect. Please. Reconnect.

8. New Discoveries

Bring me all the broken things you found buried deep beneath my many layers of earth. In this case being. More than flesh. Complex like all the technology we’ve become so addicted to. More than meets the eye. These are the little intricacies explaining myself and how I function. Do you love me? If you do then you’ll take the time to glance over them. To comprehend them. Carefully. Consider each component. One cannot be without the other. Like the heart without blood. Do you understand? Do you really understand? Good. Then look at me. Really look at me. As if I’m the only star in your nights sky. Wrap your love around me like a blanket and keep me warm with your passion. Can I call this home? Can you make it last longer than an eternity? Promise? I find you in all the beautiful most precious things in the world. Infinite discovery. You never lost novelty. Even when the walls of your love collapsed. I still tried to call it home.

9. BlackHole

I’ve forgotten how fragile the human species is. New things. New experiences. In land uncharted. Feelings undiscovered and rediscovered. Alive. Again. More to live for. I remember now more than ever. How much heat you had to exude to melt away my many layers of ice? The insecurities and uncertainties slip away. Gone in your warmth. I feel smaller than ever now. Like a speck of dust. I want to be nothing because I miss feeling like something. BlackHoles are rips in space. Destructive. Break me down. Inside outside. I’m in pieces. After reassembly; will I be the same? I fear that I will find my previous features have changed. Who will I become? What will be made of me? Swallowed by the universe. Chewed till mush. Numb. Drifting around. Everyone can see it. Can read it on my face like billboards highlighted by flamboyant lighting. I’m not the voyager I once was. From everything to nothing. How far I’ve fallen. Wonder replaced by fear. I’m scared now more than ever. Can I escape the darkness before it’s too late?

10. Broken Voyager

Oh broken voyager. Broken boy. Look at you now. In ruin. Knees weak. There is no longer pride to be found in your stance. It has been replaced by a deep melancholy. I am brittle. Fragile. I feel I can crumble at any given moment. There is no longer color in this galaxy of mine that was once brimming with it. It’s left so abruptly. So suddenly. I don’t have any answers. Nothing but feelings. Not all dreadful but mostly. I am a shell. If you knew my past form then you could see the radical difference in the one before you. Head held down. A voice of certainty replaced by the latter. I’m not so sure of anything anymore; much like a child who didn’t study for their exam. I wasn’t prepared and must resort to doing the best I can to salvage the situation. What’s lost isn’t always lost forever. Remember this broken boy. Never lose hope. Faith. In people. In feelings. In life. All outcomes are never the same. To live a cynical life is to not live at all. You’ve come so far. There is no progress in pessimism and too much to look forward to with optimistic eyes. It’s okay to miss. To long. To hurt. To cry. To wait. To want. Live in those things. As you have all things. Grieve broken boy but never lose hope. I won’t. I can never. My favorite songs are still the ones filled with lyrics that remind me of you. Lyrics reminding me of times past and times to come. Reminding me that within all this darkness there is a trickle of light trying to shine through. It’s okay to be broken. Just don’t forget to put yourself back together again. Don’t be afraid to voyage once again. The world is not perfect. Neither is life. This is the place we call home. Earth. Embrace the imperfections. This is love. Never stop loving. Never stop living. Never stop looking at everything with new eyes. Like the first time. There is nothing lost that can’t be found again and to me this is the most beautiful thing about life. Infinite beginnings. Nothing ever ending.

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spaztique · 3 years

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Pill Overdosed - An Essay On the Devolution of the Incel Community, From a Recovered “Love Shy.”

This was inspired by plunging down the rabbitholes of the incel community, the manosphere, and everywhere in-between.

Not long before writing this, there was a mass shooting incident in Plymouth, Devon. The shooter was a self-identified involuntary celibate, or incel for short: somebody who struggles with social skills to the point where they suffer depression from the fact they cannot develop a relationship to the point of romance. You’d think that merely not having the skills to attain a romance wouldn’t be much of an excuse to go postal, or maybe think he was an isolated case, but sadly, this isn’t: there was yet another mass murder not long prior at a sorority at UC Santa Barbara. Same motivation, same background. What gives?

I think I have a little authortiy to speak on the subject because, as I’ve said in my prior self-help writings, I also grew up without social skills. The only difference, of course, is I trained like crazy to fix that. Prior to 2010, I was a self-identified “love shy”: the pro-incel, back when the community was all about self-improvement and learning social skills to escape. After tons of hard work, I eventually got my first girlfriend in college, albeit we weren’t a very good match, seperated after it was clear we couldn’t work out, became a serial dater, and quietly graduated from the “love shy” label in 2011. I only bring this up now because, as I’ve noticed, things have changed a LOT in ten years.

Without diving deep into the histories of these concepts, there are three basic ideologies the modern incel falls into. Shorthand, they are known as the bluepill philosophy, the redpill philosophy, and the blackpill philosophy. They exist on a continuum, and the further you go down the spectrum, the more insane and nihilistic it becomes, eventually descending into despair, rage, misogyny, conspiracy thinking, and finding homicide and self-destruction.

The Bluepill Incel - The “Nice Guy”

Ah, the “nice guy.” The classic dogged friend-to-everyone who believes if they’re simply nice enough, he’ll eventually find love (and of course, sex). He’s too shy to voice his intentions, too pure to even hint at anything sexual (unless he’s in private with pornographic materials), and his primary love language is favors and gifts. This is your vanilla garden-variety incel, and he’ll need a couple heartbreaks and losing his crushes to more direct, forward men (known infamously as being “friend-zoned”) before he either wakes up to reality, or descend deeper down the spiral.

The basic nice guy merely has trouble with boundaries, self-disclosure, and empathy: the basic skills of building and deepening relationships. Favors and kind acts are the only way he knows to gain peoples favor: especially with women. He’s terrified of rejection and fears the maintenance part of relationships: getting into disagreements and making up, because he thinks he won’t get a second chance. Low self-esteem plagues the nice guy, and his biggest belief is that a relationship, especially a physical relationship, will solve his problems.

Hoo boy, he cannot be any more wrong.

Bhuddist teacher and psychologist Tara Brach coined this obsession “the trance of unworthiness”: where we believe our lack of something (in this case, a relationship) means we are unworthy, worthless, flawed, different from others. Incels use their single status to beat themselves up daily, not realizing this is the “trance of unworthiness” in action. Not having a relationship is a catalyst for this trance: they see the relationship and physical touch as the ultimate sign of acceptance, of being worthy, of being part of the human race and not “rejected.” Perhaps this is another reason they fear rejection: it reinforces the trance of unworthiness they wish to escape through physical contact.

It’s a misnomer to believe the nice guy is “entitled” to sex. This isn’t true: they simply believe they did everything they could to deepen the relationship, and it should’ve happened as naturally as if they had, say, flirted, voiced their intent, escalate the relationship, deepen their emotional intimacy, and so on. From their perspective, they’re not thinking, “I did all this stuff for you, so I DEMAND you sleep with me!,” but rather, “I did all these things for you and showered you in gifts and attention, so why don’t you love me as much as I love you?! What else am I supposed to do?!” But everything the nice guy does is surface-level, transactional, unemotional from a relationship standpoint. Sure, it can build friendships (albeit shallow friendships which resemble partnerships more than best buds), but not romance. Maybe we shouldn’t call it the “friend zone” and more the “you-didn’t-even-bother-building-the-relationship-correctly zone.”

Besides, it’s not the sex that incels want: it’s the validation. As I said before, physical intimacy is the ultimate form of acceptance, of escaping the trance of unworthiness, and the more physical, the more loving, the more closer, the more “points” it earns. If a hug is worth 10 points, and a kiss is worth 100, and a cuddle is 500, then sex is like 10,000+. But why not just pay an escort or “go solo”? To them, that’s cheating. To an incel, having to pay somebody to like you isn’t unconditional: that’s maybe worth 5 points, or maybe even negative points. Of course, sex is a cooperative activity, not a validation sink. Nothing will wake you up from this reality faster than that awkward conversation after your first few times of, “So, um… How was it?”

Where does this come from? Some blame romance movies and their grand romantic gestures, others blame love songs, and others blame just society’s sentimental view of romance. I’m sure if I mention flowers (especially roses), chocolate, plush bears, bubble baths, candlelit dinners, or slow dancing, you think romance. The images and ideas are burred into our collective unconscious. We’re bombarded with all of these images telling us three things: this is what love looks like, love is the ultimate cure for loneliness and sadness, and if you don’t want this, there’s something wrong with you. But the thing about the artistic representation of love is that it only depicts the end product, or at least the fantasy of somebody wanting us and loving us unconditionally. Perhaps the popularity of the Japanese archetypes of the tsundere come from the struggles of building a relationship, while the yandere shows us how creepy it is when somebody wants us way, waaay more than we want them back.

Either way, it paints an unrealistic portrait of how romance works.

Just as you can’t learn driving from action movie chase scenes, or sex from hardcore pornography, or how to become an Olympic-level runner playing Sonic, the simplified artistic portrayals of love and romance do not provide adequate education for how to interact with people. Actual relationships run on a model of probing (first contact, asking surface-level questions), deepening (asking and revealing more personal things mutually), and maintenence (handling misunderstandings, rebuilding familiarity, or even breaking off the relationship if there can be no reconciliation). Another popular modern concept is breaking down communications into different “love languages”: gifts and favors are only two, but there are also words of affirmation and reassurance, touch, and time together. This is the boring work of building everyone relationship from a friendship to a romance, but it is the basic skill incels ignore until they receive enough pain when they normal methods fail.

And with that, they begin searching for answers…

The Redpill Incel - The Modern Incel, Between Two Choices…

In The Matrix, Neo is given the choice between taking a blue pill to stay in his safe little world as an office drone, or take the red pill, disconnect from The Matrix, and realize the horrifying truth: the world is enslaved by machines, and he’s going to join a resistance to save humanity.

In the early 2010s, the idea of the red pill vs. blue pill was to describe the choice between the idealized romantic world I described above for the nice guy incel, and the cold hard facts about dating: that dating is a skill, and you need confidence, influence, leadership skills, a decent wardrobe, and good self-maintenance skills to increase your odds of success. Even in the mid 2000s, this spawned the pickup artist community, which are really just social skills gurus who market common-sense advice to single men.

However, something changed in the mid 2010s…

Eventually, the redpill ideology morphed into this idea that women, despite having their own corner of dating advice and entire magazines for how to attract men, secretly control not just dating, but society as a whole, and feminism has utterly wrecked dating. This corner has other bizarre, frankly misogynist ideas about how women operate, and some go even further as to saying all dating is rigged towards women and men should just avoid it all together. They also posit that women, by their nature, cannot be involuntary celibates, even though it was a woman who coined the original term. (And I also find it kinda funny how supposed “men’s rights” activists unironically use the term “red pill,” despite being coined by two writers who later came out as trans women.)

Obviously, this creates a problem for the modern incel: in their moment of pain, they’re desperately searching for answers, and they’ll latch onto the first source of hope they can find. Now, I got lucky: we didn’t have “men’s rights” folks in power back when I was searching for answers. We didn’t have those weird-ass theories, and those who did were laughed out of the community. (Neil Strauss even documents this in his book The Game, where he talks about some of the more questionable gurus trying and failing to get a foothold.) But these days? Imagine an incel in a moment of weakness, and they suddenly come across a post saying, “It’s not you! It’s feminism! Feminism is the reason you can’t find love! And love means validation, so therefore, feminism is the reason you can’t find validation!” Suddenly, there’s hope: the incel thinks if he can “game the system,” he’ll get that coveted physical contact, and with it, the validation he yearns for. But all this does is add another catalyst for his trance of unworthiness: lack of love AND feminism make him feel like his life is nothing but pain.

Now, let me put on my own Morpheus glasses and leather trenchcoat and ask you: what if I were to tell you there were three pills? A blue pill, a red pill, and a black pill? You take the blue pill, your journey to discover how relationships work ends: you wake up in your bed and you can believe whatever you want to believe about romance. You take the red pill, and you’ll see how far the rabbit hole goes…

… but if you take the black pill, you’ll wake up somewhere far worse.

A world of infinite loneliness, where what you want is forever out of your reach, in a world that sees you as a mistake. Where arbitrary rules apply to you that apply to nobody else. Where there is no hope for those who enter.

Why would anybody choose this pill?

I offer you one blue pill, and two red pills. One is the true red pill, and the other is the black pill.

Back in my day, there was only one red pill. Now, there are two, and one is poisoned.

Now, just as Morpheus showed Neo the desolate Desert of the Real, let me show the Desert of the Loveless…

The Black Pill - The Radical Extremist Incels

First, the incel starts as a “nice guy”: naive, but still relatively hopeful.

Then, after realizing their ways don’t work, they are given two choices:

One path leads to a life of self-improvement, hard study of social skills, practice, and eventually escape…

… but the other leads here. Abandon all hope, ye who enter.

The black pill ideology has given up on self-improvement, with the motto “it’s over,” any any notion of hope is considered “blue pill propaganda.” After years of being told, “Just go to the gym!,” “Just groom better!,” “Just get a good job and better education,” and so on, but NOT being told the most basic social skills, they’ve decided all of that just doesn’t work and it must be something else.

According to black pill incels…

Women are only interested in “Chads”: men who are a 8-10 out of 10 on the looks scale and blessed with perfect genetics and no personality. Any evidence to the contrary will be explained away. (Is the guy ugly? Then he must have money. No money? Then he must have status. No status? Then she must be cheating. Not cheating? Well, this example must be made up because it’s probably not true.)

Genes determine everything: if you were born any shorter than 6”0, you’re screwed. Women apparently only prefer white men (despite, y’know, other cultures and countries existing), and if you were born anything other than white, you’re screwed. (And if you somehow “ascend” inceldome? Then you are a fakecel: you were never truly an incel in the first place, because true incels are permanent.)

Feminism has destroyed modern dating and only a return traditional values like some kinda Handmaid’s Tale-esque patriarchal dystopia will solve everything. Because they see sex as the ultimate fuel for validation, sex needs to be considered a human right equal to food and water. Expect plenty of talk of sex slaves, lowering the age of consent, and sex robots.

Despite accusing everyone else who disagrees with them of “coping from cold, hard facts,” their misogyny and bizarre ideas are the ultimate coping mechanism: they’ve effectively shut themselves off from anyone who disagrees with them, and they stew in their anger with fellow blackpill incels in an echo chamber of despair and self-loathing, celebrating when women (or as they derisively call them, femoids) face hardships or when there’s a mass killing of any kind. If this seems like an exaggeration, I’d welcome you to look for yourself, if I wasn’t scared some normal incel would fall prey to their toxic influence.

These are the incels that give the poor unfortunate socially awkward incels a bad name. It’s why people fear “nice guys” may turn out to be future serial killers. If you wanna know why people want to label incels as a whole as a “hate group,” despite being a subset of only the most extreme ones, it’s because of these folks right here.

So, what now?

What’s an involuntary celibate to do? None of the options are good: continue being a “nice guy,” or look for advice elsewhere, even though there’s a 50/50 chance you could get suckered in to the extremists?

To put on my Morpheus glasses again, what if I were to tell you there’s a fourth choice? To take none of the pills?

Being a “nice guy” who does everything for others in hopes of earning friendship or romance doesn’t work.

Relying solely on hard science may be informative, but when you rely on that alone with no heart, still only shooting for validation, that doesn’t work either.

And obviously, giving up and isolating yourself with other angry virgins doesn’t work, either.

What if the solution was simpler? Waaay simpler?

It all boils down to such basic things:

Self-validation: learning to not rely on external things like love or physical connection as your own means to escape the “trance of unworthiness.” Everyone who’s walked this path says that once you realize that sex isn’t everything, you’ve truly escaped inceldome: then it simply becomes something that’s nice to have, like going to an amusement park or eating a deluxe sundae.

Basic communication and relationship skills: You can learn a lot more from looking up social penetration theory and the stages of a relationship than reading about facial ratios and social darwinism. Read the most basic guides on empathy and how to start conversations, then work into books on how intimacy works (you’ll notice an overlap with social penetration theory.)

Learn to network. Just as friends can get you jobs, they can also hook you up with fellow singles. Join groups, talk to co-workers (and no, you don’t have to date co-workers, I mean they can find people outside of work), get a hobby. Once you learn the above two skills, get out there and build connections until you find someone who can find someone.

Notice how I didn’t say “go to the gym” or “just be confident” or “take a shower.” I’ve seen plenty of incels do all three and have no luck, and I’ve seen guys without confidence get equally unconfident girlfriends, as well as guys who are unhealthy and never bathe. These are non-factors: self-validation, social skills, and networking is all you need.

Of course, there are still lessons from both the blue pill and red pill (which some folks call the purple pill philosophy): you need the romantic creativity and heart of the blue pill, but the hard skills and pragmatism of the red pill. And you need everything to overcome the dark side that is the black pill, the shadow we avoid where infinite horrors lurk within.

Coming back to the incident that sparked this post, there have been some modern incels who were jarred by the recent killings. Some are starting to question what happened to the incel community, just as I have. How did it devolve from folks wondering how to escape their loneliness, into the hellhole of conspiracy theories and hatred it has become now? Perhaps this may be the beginning of the incel community returning to its roots, where the romantically impaired seeked advice that actually worked, rather than wallow in self-pity and cheer on mankind’s destruction. As an old recovered “love shy,” I pray others find the same path I and many others like me had walked, and avoid the one that leads to self-destruction others have stumbled upon.

With this post, I’m making my vow to do my part to make sure more people avoid this terrible fate and find happiness, whether they pursue love or not.

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crossgartered · 4 years

Text

P5R Liveblog (13/?)

Haru arc

[[MORE]]

Oh...? Are you hung up on Wakaba, too, Doctor?

Oh, Rumi. ...Who's Rumi?

IS IT KASUMI'S SISTER??? bc you know there's weird stuff going on there

Probably not but this is for wild guessing anyway

If we can believe Kasumi then her sister is younger than her

And that'd be pretty weird to talk about in a romantic context

The problem is if kasumi is to be believed

she's dead I know she's dead I don't think she knows she's dead but she's super dead

Or in a coma I guess but let's be real here

I don't trust Shibusawa in the slightest. He's definitely going to try to take that research. I wouldn't be surprised if he was one of those men in black suits, either. He's rich - he goes to the Wilton on a whim, with his "buddies" - he could definitely be one of Shido's men.

OMFNDJD THIS LES MIS KNOCK OFF FILLS ME WITH JOY

Hoo boy. Maruki... I don't think you'll be very pleased with our answer. I do think you have good intentions, now, but you will definitely be an antagonist here.

I'm still really impressed with Chihaya. She really thought that the protag would hate her once she told her story, that her fortune said he was supposed to hate her, and she "never thought [he] would overturn even that fate". And yet, she told him anyway.

A Yusuke & Ann showtime!! : D I wonder what it'll be like?

THATS SO INCREDIBLY ANIME I LOVE IT

Haru idolizing superheroines vs Ann idolizing lady villains fight

I cannot waittt to see what they do with cognitive Haru, if they decided to make her this time around

YUSUKE CAN DUPLICATE IN PALACES?!?!?

A Will Seed with lasers barring the way? Interesting.

FUTABA FINISHING TOUCH FUTABA FINISHING TOUCH!!!!

Huh, it's kinda goofier than I was expecting.

"When a person is continually faced with oppression, they come to welcome its presence." Yusuke : (

"Such psychological trickery is being used here. I... experienced it first-hand for many years." YUSUKE : C

It's kinda nice that those workers are being blocked by lasers instead of us being too intimidated by their number to just go after them. ...Am I remembering this correctly?

Oh, Noir... I'm glad I get the option to ask if she's okay.

The Yumizuki High uniform really does suit Yusuke.

I wonder if there's a way to talk to people about their outfits.

Does Futaba's thing happen in place of Joker's, now? That's kind of a shame

HEY DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE FUTABA SHOWTIMES?!?????

Airlock time.

Man I want to see robot/cyborg Haru so badly come on Okumura I know she's here

This stuff about being okay for 30 sec as long as you close your eyes and mouth sounds wrong but I don't know enough about the condition of the human body in space enough to dispute it so okay I fuess

Anyway this is run by clap your hands if you believe kinda magic so it doesn't really matter anyway (also, thank god for Futaba saying that it'd work)

It's interesting - space factories/stations aren't a typical heist target (nor are castles, tbh, but museums, banks, pyramids, casinos? Naturally) (space stations in general can be, in the right genre. But this is set up a bit unusually for that). Corporate offices of shady companies, however...

Spaceeeeee ahdskdjs this is SO COOL

what the fuck what the fuck was something else going through the airlock?!?!

Ugh, how aggravating. I had been able to get the Will Seed the entire time until I pulled the lever that allowed me to progress

What is this shadow???? I'm not sure I know it! "Pagan savior", huh?

No, guys, there's another airlock room. Stop saying 'the treasure is just beyond that door!' when there is a whole other area/floor to go through. Especially since you have a map

Futaba gets motion sickness...oh no I'm so sorry ;u;

I...actually remembered the first half of the solution to the transfer line. I got out of there in practically no time. Heck yeah!

"Thou hast to awakened to the ultimate secret of the Sun, granting thee infinite power..." Yoshida...! TAT

I always end up maxing him right around the end of Okumura's Palace. I feel so bad. His newfound popularity is gonna absolutely tank soon. ;-;

Man, who even gets elected after the populace starts caring again? I don't know how Japanese politics works, really, like at all, honestly, but probably he has a subordinate who can take his place. But like, his whole crew's gotta be corrupt, right? Especially someone who'd be his replacement. Though honestly, considering how paranoid he got by the end, he probably chose someone weak-willed in order to prevent

Oh wait hold on I just looked up how this works. Apparently, uh...

Huh. I'm not sure if the cabinet resigns if the prime minister does usually or if that's just if the house passes a vote of no confidence. But, the prime minister appoints the ministers, so if the prime minister changes then there could be an issue there, probably?

But anyway. Looks like the Diet would immediately try to vote for a different person once the prime minister seat is vacant.

Huh, I wonder who gets voted in, then. Well, we only know of 2 candidates other than Shido, and Yoshida doesn't have the funding or even (yet) the popularity to become prime minister, so Matsushida is really the only other choice unless they pick someone we haven't heard about.

Oh my GOD I hate the school. They're being such assholes to Kasumi. She got 3rd place!!! That's amazing!!! This isn't even a school specializing in gymnastics!!!!!! YOU SPECIALIZED IN VOLLEYBALL AND EVEN IF THAT WERENT THE CASE YOURE TERRIBLE

*ahem* Anyway.

You can tell that Maruki is quietly pissed and honestly? Valid. Super valid. Same, Maruki, same.

She's not gonna get that text, with how her phone is.

"we took in those sisters to improve Shujin's standing, but at this rate, we're only going to end up suffering for it." Oh??? Oh??????

"not only have we lost one of them, but the other ones not doing us any good. Talk about a waste of effort..." Hooooly shit you asshole

Wait, hold on, it's October already????!? November's just a month away!! I have less than 3 months for social linking! And I still haven't maxed knowledge or kindness! (Or guts, but whatever) I've only maxed 1 person! Although I'm close to maxing Ryuji & Ann & Yusuke. And some npcs

AHHHHH CUTSCENE CUTSCENE!!!!

So the keywords - lab, stadium, and ... Either Maruki or Kasumi for the person. OH MAN AND EITHER WAY IM ALREADY IN MY PHANTOM THIEF CLOTHES

ONE OF THEM DOESNT TRUST ME

It's probably Maruki, right? Bc of the lab... But also I thought the whole wish fulfillment thing was going to be his cogpsi project... With the help of Jose, maybe...

Speaking of Jose, Jose looks like a toy, especially with that hair and those ears. I wonder what material he's supposed to be? Based on the ears I'd say plastic, maybe, but the hair looks more ceramic to me.

Anyway, back to the relevant FUCKING PALACE WOOHOO

I haven't even sent a calling card for Okumura yet so we're not dealing with this anytime soon

Ooh, this music... <3

Oh man, I totally forgot I had Morgana in the maid costume. I gotta get him into something more serious

Why is dancewear not the p5dsn costume??

This is...really empty...

I am suddenly really scared at what the people are going to look like

There are pigeons here...

But wait, if this is Maruki's Palace, then this is bc of all his grief... He doesn't want anyone to hurt, ever again. The people will be their ideal selves, probably...

...I'd love to see a cognition of myself, tbh. That won't happen, but I'd love it.

This place is really beautiful... With the music it seems like a sad place...

Look at all these wires

That's probably the sister, right?

Unless that's the cognition of Yoshizawa when she was alive and her current self is her ideal self.

The shadow attacked the cognition???!?!

YUP this is definitely Maruki's Palace

Hmm. Interesting.

Oh, Cendrillon really is perfect for her, huh.

SHES DOING A MAGICAL GIRL TRANAFORMATION WHAY

WHAT

WHY????

IM NOT UPSET ITS JUST A LITTLE WHAT????

Does her outfit look like mine a little bit bc she's using me as a role model for her source of confidence - confidence that she is using/interpreting for her inner rebellious spirit?

Wait, lost my train of thought

Aww, I mistimed that. I was hoping to get a Kasumi finishing touch

MORGANA-SENPAI

It is definitely an unfair consequence

Oh, so that's why, narratively, her phone sucks. It's to prevent us from figuring out whose Palace it is.

Yeah, this time it's entirely on you, Morgana.

... it's because of gymnastics? And not because you disagree with us on an ideological level? ...okay. sure. Whatever.

Hoo boy. This is gonna suck when Okumura has his mental shutdown. I wonder how she'll react.

She is of the Faith arcana, whatever that means. Maybe she'll keep faith in me? I did max her half-confidant

It's cool, Kasumi. I really didn't do much. You may have a debt of gratitude or whatever but like you don't actually need to repay it. Just keep being my friend and maybe one day you'll quit keeping score

*sigh*

If only. Too bad you're probably dead.

SHOWTIME WITH HARU? SHOWTIME WITH HARU? PLEASE?

Oh, Mona-chan. I figured as much, but I was still hoping...

Anyway, Haru&Mona showtime still very good!

Man, I would kill to hear their explanations for what they're doing.

...this is incredibly violent, isn't it? I anticipate it with bated breath

Oh man, can you imagine a showtime with Kasumi? Maybe with Akechi, if Atlus isn't going to give me one

Which, fair enough, from a gameplay standpoint

Still. : (

"the Phantom Thief Basic Training"?

Oh, good, we're actually addressing cognitive people with Haru.

Oh, this is either gonna suck if they address the implications, or we're gonna see cognitive Haru. >: 3

Dream world, huh...

THE YUSUKE-HARU FRIENDSHIP IS SO UNDERSTATED AND UNDERRATED I WANT MORE CONTENT

THERE SHE IS!!! THERE SHW IS!!!!

Oh, man, I had a lot of feelings during that fight. That time limit though

I like how they updated this fight

Although I think I'm a little underleveled, potentially. I could not destroy her before she self-destructed, and it took me a while to beat the chief directors and executive director. Oneshotted Okumura himself, though.

OH MAN I SHOULD HAVE READ THIS BILLIARDS BOOK EARLIER

I DIDNT REALIZE I COULD INCREASE MY TECHNICALS????

I already thought that technicals were beefed up from how they were - I guess this is part of that!

Wish I had another book on kindness, ugh.

SO THATS HOW THEY CHANGED POSITION HACK

Ann & Haru have such similar colors. I wish they would have darkened Haru's a little bit more

Wait I never got to see the Haru-Mona showtime

I even had both in my party : (

GOD IWAI YOU'RE SO SHADY

I forgot to start his social link until now whoops

Although I've only had my guts high enough for past ~2ish weeks so there's that at least

Guh, I have to get to Mementos and start up Shinya's...

How many part-time jobs does this have? Like, 5? Maybe 6, if you count him helping out Sojiro? The convenience store, the beef bowl place, the flower shop, Crossroads, and now the gun shop. Anything I'm missing? I feel like I'm missing one.

Desire & Hope is really pretty. The Desire underneath is kinda weirdly desaturated compared to the hope, though. Not sure if it actually works as well as Desire did by itself. Idk. They're both good, but I liked how Desire looked a bit more. I understand that D&H has personal meaning, though. Who knows, maybe in person I would feel differently

I kinda really like that Yusuke tends to go more abstract with his stuff, even if he does try out a bunch of different styles

Maxing Yusuke. And thank god for Affinity Readings. Finally got Ryuji at a point where I can max him.

Oh. I had forgotten how Kamu Susano-o looks. ...

#p5r liveblog #p5r #p5r spoilers #persona 5 royal #long post #this one gets emotional at video games

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imagine-loki · 7 years

Text

Met With A Zap, Chapter 18

TITLE: Met With A Zap CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter 18 AUTHOR: fanficshiddles ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Darcy and Loki meeting for the first time. They instantly dislike each other and are constantly at one another’s throats in arguments. Darcy even ends up using her taser on him at one point. Others around them get fed up of being stuck in the middle of their pranks and arguments. But eventually, Loki finds himself falling for her sassy mouth. RATING: M

‘You have to take me to Asgard!’ I shouted at Thor.

‘I cannot, Darcy. My father doesn’t like Midgardians there.’ Thor told me.

‘Bullshit. You took Jane there last year. Come on, I need to help Loki. This isn’t his fault. Someone needs to be there for him.’ My voice was getting higher and higher as I argued with him.

‘I shall go and tell everyone the truth of what happened. You are best to stay here.’

‘NO! Thor, I swear to god you better take me with you. If you don’t, I will personally make your life a living hell.’ I argued and crossed my arms over my chest.

I was not giving in with this. I needed to go and try to reason with Odin. I had to see Loki again too. No one else would support him and believe him like I do. I was the only one that had seen the vulnerable side of him. As I highly doubted that he would show Thor or his father that side.

‘Darcy, it is against my father’s rules to take you. I can’t even take Jane back.’ Thor said calmly. But I was not calming down.

‘I don’t give a shit if it’s against his rules or not. Please, Thor. I love Loki. And I know he loves me too. Let me come with you, please. I know you don’t want him to go down a bad road again of destruction or worse. If I’m there, I can help keep him calm. Even if he is in prison. Please.’ I begged him.

Thor put his face into his hand for a moment and he sighed.

‘Fine.’ He finally gave in.

‘YES!’ I said triumphantly as I ran to my room to pack a small bag.

‘You’re actually going to Asgard?’ Clint asked as he leaned against the door frame in my room.

‘Yes. I need to help Loki. He needs me.’ I said as I continued to throw some clothes into a bag.

‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad. I wasn’t sure of him when he first arrived. But he has proven useful of late. I know Thor think’s highly of him and you do as well now. I have to admit, you are a good couple. You’re good together. I hope for his sake, and yours, that you can both sort things out with the gods and get him back here.’

I was a little surprised with Clint’s honesty. But it was nice to hear. And I would make sure that I told Odin and Loki too. So he knew that he had support from The Avengers too. Hopefully it would also help if Odin knew.

‘Thanks. It means a lot and I’m sure it will to Loki too.’ I said as I walked over to him and gave him a hug.

‘Well, I’m off to the land of the gods. Wish me luck.’

‘Good luck. Just don’t piss any of them off and you’ll be fine.’ He chuckled.

‘I’ll do my best.’ I shrugged.

I went back to find Thor. Jane was coming with us as well, which I was glad of. I didn’t want to be the only human there. And I knew she would love to see Asgard again, especially Thor’s mother. She spoke highly of her and said she is a lovely woman. I just hoped that she would be on Loki’s side at least.

‘So, is the journey quick or…?’ I asked as we made our way outside, the rest followed us.

‘Very quick.’ Jane nodded.

‘Cool.’

Thor put an arm around both Jane and I. Then once we said goodbye to the others, he looked up to the sky and called on Heimdall. I was about to say something when suddenly there was no ground beneath us and there was a rush of colours. I could hear nothing but a high pitched sound as I felt like my insides were being thrown around everywhere.

Then as quick as it started, we were there. We landed in a huge gold dome thing. There was a really huge guy in the middle with a large sword. He smiled at the three of us and welcomed me to Asgard. He welcomed Jane and Thor back.

At least he was polite. That was a good sign.

I just hoped the other gods would be similar. But I had a feeling that Odin would be a completely different kettle of fish. I was dreading meeting him for the first time, from what I had heard from Loki anyway. Thor saw him differently, though he did still have his stories that made him out to not be so great.

‘Holy shit!’ I said as we stepped onto a huge rainbow bridge. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It was so colorful and it was shining and humming. It was incredible.

‘I knew you would like this.’ Jane grinned as she grabbed my hand to keep me moving, as I was so engrossed with the bridge below my feet.

The whole city of Asgard was incredible. It was like something from a fantasy land. It was all gold and so grand looking. Especially the palace. I started to feel a little daunted as Thor led us through the place. It was huge. I was going to get lost in it, that was for sure.

And I was starting to doubt whether my plan of coming here was a good one. Would Odin even agree to see me? Would he listen to my argument? Had he already announced a punishment for Loki? What if we were too late? There was so many doubts running through my mind that I never even noticed the beautiful woman approach us.

‘Mother, this is Darcy.’ Thor said and that snapped me from my worries.

That was his mother, Frigga. She was even more beautiful than I had heard.

‘Wow. Uhm, hello.’ I said awkwardly as I tried to curtsy the best I could.

She laughed lightly and put her hand onto my shoulder.

‘Relax, dear. It is nice to meet you. Loki told me all about you.’ She smiled warmly.

‘He did? Really?’ I asked, shocked.

‘Yes. He is very fond of you.’ She smiled yet her eyes looked sad.

‘Is he ok? Where is he?’ I asked.

‘He is ok. Though my husband has sent him to the prison down in the dungeons. He is having a trial tomorrow, to see what his fate may be. Loki explained to us all that happened, but Odin still feels that it is his fault for all the destruction.’ Frigga explained.

‘But it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t in control of himself. I know he did things in the past, like the destroyer and all that happened with that Jotumhand place. But New York wasn’t his fault.’ I argued.

‘You mean Jotunheim.’ Thor corrected.

‘Yeah, whatever. That was maybe his fault. But he has paid for all that. He was tortured by Thanos. He didn’t know what he was doing. It wasn’t him. I’ve seen him so down and broken, he truly regrets what has happened.’

‘I know. But it is not me that you need to persuade.’ Frigga said as she gave me a small smile and turned to leave us.

‘Take me to Odin.’ I said to Thor.

Thor looked uneasy but nodded.

‘Jane, you wait in my chambers.’ He said as he had a guard lead Jane there.

Then Thor took me to see Odin. Half of me was feeling determined, the other was terrified. He was the King of Asgard after all. But I had to at least try.

Odin was outside on a balcony, it looked over the entire city. It was some view.

When Odin turned around, I was a little shocked. I expected him to be bigger and more like Thor. But he was a little shorter and fatter than I imagined. Maybe it was a bit of a beer belly he had going on. Reminded me of my dad.

‘Who is this?’ Odin asked.

He didn’t even ask how his son was. How rude?

‘This is Darcy. She is a friend of mine and Jane’s… Loki’s lover.’ Thor said cautiously.

Odin’s eye widened as he looked at me.

‘You are the one that has stolen Loki’s cold heart.’ He said as he walked a little closer to me.

‘He does not have a cold heart.’ I blurted out. I don’t know where my confidence came from, but I didn’t like the way he was speaking of Loki.

‘Oh really? He not only sent the destroyer to your town to try and kill his brother, but he also had an army of aliens nearly destroy one of your cities. He wanted to take over the world.’ Odin said loudly to me.

‘He wasn’t in control. He was tortured, badly. He had no recollection of what went on that year. He was not in control of himself or his mind. It was not his fault, and you are going to let him be punished for something that was not his fault? Some father you are!’ I argued.

‘I am not his father. He is adopted.’ Odin said.

‘Then perhaps you should have thought about it more before you took him on as your own. You clearly did not and do not love him as much as Thor. It’s no wonder he went a bit off the rails!’ I hissed at him.

‘Enough of this. I do not have time to argue with a mortal like you. Thor, take her back to Midgard.’

‘I am not going anywhere without Loki.’ I snarled at him and crossed my arms over.

He turned to look at me and he looked at Thor, who just shrugged. Odin looked back at me and shook his head with a sigh.

‘Then you shall be here for a very long time.’ He said as he walked inside.

I turned to Thor and he looked at me with surprise all over his face.

‘He’s an asshole!’ I told him.

‘Careful of your words, Darcy. He is my father, the King of Asgard and protector of all the realms.’ Thor growled at me.

‘I don’t give a shit if he is the god of the entire universe or a fucking monkey’s uncle. He is mean and cruel towards Loki. I see now what Loki meant about all those years where he favored you and not him. No wonder Loki went off the rails. How can you not see that? He doesn’t seem to care about the truth. Loki did wrong in his eyes and even though it wasn’t his fault, Odin doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to care.’ I shouted at Thor.

‘Odin has never been spoken to like that by a Midgardian.’ A voice came from behind me.

I turned around was startled to see Frigga come out onto the balcony to join us. She had heard what I said to Thor as well.

‘I’m sorry. I don’t mean any disrespect to you. But from what Loki has told me, and from what I just witnessed myself, he really has some parenting issues.’ I said as I crossed my arms over and looked down to the ground.

‘I know you love Loki. It is nice to see that someone finally loves him so much and sticks by him. Even to argue with the Alfather. I get the feeling he would be proud of you.’ Frigga smirked and I smiled at her.

I liked Frigga. She was cool.

‘I just. I hate the thought of Loki being punished for something he had no control over. It’s so not fair.’

‘I know, child. I know. If you stand up in court tomorrow and tell them what you know and how you see Loki, it might help. Loki needs you now. I am so glad that Thor brought you here.’ Frigga said as she pulled me into an embrace.

‘If anyone can help Loki, it is you.’ She told me.

#Loki #God of Mischief #Submitted fic #submission #chapter 18 #fanficshiddles #met with a zap #darcy #meeting #arguments #dislike #fed up #taser #prank #Falling in Love #sassy

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in-sightjournal · 6 years

Text

Interviewer: Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Numbering: Issue 15.A, Idea: Outliers & Outsiders (Part Nine)

Place of Publication: Langley, British Columbia, Canada

Title: In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal

Web Domain: http://www.in-sightjournal.com

Individual Publication Date: December 15, 2017

Issue Publication Date: January 1, 2017

Name of Publisher: In-Sight Publishing

Frequency: Three Times Per Year

Words: 2,345

ISSN 2369-6885

Abstract

An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. She discusses: UK, Canada, and complicity in activity around Iraq and Kurdistan; the ongoing Iraq and Afghanistan wars; helping with the Culture Project and what it is; the Culture Project act as a repository and incubator for the arts and culture of the Kurds; helping out with money or expertise; war, trauma, rights, and asking why people act this way; and wondering why people can’t be like other animals, like birds that sing.

Keywords: Culture Project, feminism, Houzan Mahmoud, Iraq, Kurdistan, Kurds.

An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A.: Co-Founder, Culture Project (Part Two)[1],[2],[3],[4]

1. Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Take an example of a developed country such as the UK, or Canada, are they complicit in any of this activity in Iraq and regarding Kurdistan?

Houzan Mahmoud: The UK certainly was complicit in dividing Kurdistan among four countries, i.e. between Iraq, Iran, Syria and Turkey, due to this we have been suffering endlessly. After the fall of Ottoman Empire and the new reshaping of the map of the Middle East, the borders were drawn, genocides were taking place, and Kurds were denied their right to statehood.

For almost one century, in four different parts of Kurdistan, people waged different struggles – both armed and civilian struggles – to fight for their rights, freedoms, and independence. The four countries that we are confined within, their borders have continuously denied Kurds basic rights and inflicted genocide, imprisonment, and even cultural erasure.

These have been part of their policies towards Kurds. This is why most Kurds never felt a belonging to these countries. Rather, they felt oppressed, degraded, and colonised in their own homelands.

The West, of course, has always kept a blind eye to our suffering. Instead of recognising our rights, all they do, for example in the UK, is to emphasize the unity of Iraq. They know that Iraqi regimes have always oppressed people and carried out crimes against people throughout Iraq, especially against Kurds. Canada also was part of the coalition against Iraq in the first Gulf War in 1991.

2. Jacobsen: What are the quantitative details about women and children, and soldiers, who have been affected by the ongoing Iraq and Afghanistan wars?

Mahmoud: This is beyond knowing. I don’t think even statistics can provide a true account of the loss of lives and casualties of these nasty wars. Although, when we think of war, people mainly think about the number of the dead, but we need to also think about those who are disabled, lost their loved ones, who are traumatised, and have to live with the sorrow of losing their loved one.

The consequences of any war and its damage is not only in the number of the dead, but in the entire destruction of lands, homes, dreams, and turning laughter into a long-lasting sadness. War can turn your life upside down within minutes.

I can think of the recent example of the invasion of Sinjar. The Yezidi town where ISIS killed so many of them. ISIS took the girls as sex slaves and sold so many of them in slave markets. Just imagine, so much crime within an eye blink turned so many lives into hell.

There is more ugliness, more crime, and atrocious outcomes that can never be fully investigated or accounted for, because so many complicit parties in wars don’t want to go into these details. All I really can say is in every war situation that the ordinary civilians have been and will be the main and only victims.

3. Jacobsen: I have helped with the Culture Project. What is it? How is it important to the Kurds and yourself?

Mahmoud: Well, let me tell you something Scott: first of all, thank you so much for your ongoing support, it means a lot to us and our writers and Kurdistan of course. In addition to the fact, that you are probably the first journalist who could make me visit my past as someone who grew up in a war zone, and reflect upon it, otherwise, I wouldn’t usually write or talk about it in such detail.

We have many wonderful writers in the Culture Project and want their work to be proofread and edited to encourage them to write more, and to be sure that their writings are of high calibre and importance.

Secondly, there are other wonderful supporters who were the backbone of Culture Project, one such person is Benjamin David founder of Conatus News, and writer and friend Sarah Mills who have helped tremendously. I want to thank you all for making time to support us, and our writers, essayist, activists and poets.

4. Jacobsen: How does the Culture Project act as a repository and incubator for the arts and culture of the Kurds?

Mahmoud: Culture Project is a unique project that promotes progressive ideals, and critical engagement with art, literature, music, feminism, and gender. We place the question of women in the heart of our project. This is why it is important to make sure our platform is supportive and encouraging to those who want to express their ideas in English.

We are trying to bridge between Kurdistan, its Kurdish diaspora, and the outside world through knowledge production about our society, art, literature, and cultural production, but from a critical point of view.

We are lucky to have a new wave of egalitarian and progressive generation of men and women, who are active against patriarchy, oppressive regimes, and are for rights and freedoms of women.

One highlight of this project is that it’s exposing Kurdish masculinity, violence against women, and advocates for feminism and feminist critique of artistic production that reinforces subordination of women.

5. Jacobsen: How can people help out? Can they donate money or expertise?

Mahmoud: We need all kinds of support. Financial support for our activities in Kurdistan and abroad. As well as expertise from those who know more about art, literature and editing, we need reviewers for artists’ work, music, films, and short stories as well as poetry. We have a wealth of Kurdish literature, art, and poetry that needs exploration and reviewing.

6. Jacobsen: We were talking one time about war and trauma, and women’s rights. You idly asked, “Why are people like this? Why do they go to war? Will they ever learn? Why do they repeat these same mistakes?” I mentioned the several tens of thousands of years of evolutionary history and gave an academic response.

You know Scott, sometimes, I realise that despite the wealth of literature on war, be it history books, poetry, photography, movies etc., some people still don’t ask themselves this simple question; why war?

Why should they support their oppressive governments into war? Hundreds of years of repetitive wars in different contexts and format, still humanity cannot learn from the past. It’s true most ordinary civilians are often opposed to war, but it is governments who decide it and they are the ruling class who do not suffer themselves but it’s the ordinary people who pay the price.

I wish one day comes when people no longer go to war on the order of their government. Another thing makes me feel sick when I think about it, is the use of science in the civilised west and its scientists who continue to produce latest weapons and atomic bombs. Have you realised how many governments possess atomic bombs?

Just imagine if they were used in any wars what will happen to our beautiful planet? To life, to people to animals, trees and flowers, to the birds and even insects? I wish the “clever” scientists of the advanced capitalist machine ask themselves this question why creating all these weapons? Why not try to find cure for disease instead?

Why not spend their lives in a good cause to serve humanity instead of thinking and working day and night of how to invent a new weapon, rocket, bomb or bullet. This is gross, this why sometimes I question the word “human beings” in this case, what kind of humans are they?

7. However, we kept going. You agreed with the explanation, but asked, “Why can’t people be like other animals, like the birds? All they do is sing.” We laughed about that. I reflect on that and think about it.

Mahmoud: Yes, indeed, we did speak about so many things and with some laughter. You know Scott, these issues are so tough, and sad. If I lose sense of humour, I might get trapped in these memories for ever in a very sad and traumatising way.

This not to reduce the importance of these issues. But for us as survivors and activists who fight against the causes of these wars and for rights of people, we have to be hopeful, full of life, and love laughter, songs, and music.

This is why I like birds. They produce these nice sounds, almost as a special song of their own. When I go to the park, especially to Hampstead Heath, I look out for the birds. Those who sing, without any particular reason. They just sing. This makes me happy.

You know Scott, the more we read about war academically or in literature or poetry, even in photos or art about war, it still cannot tell us enough about the reasons of why wars still happen. Why men specifically speaking go to war or make war?

The problem is end of one war is the start of another one. This is what I have seen in my life. No reasoning, justification or excuse can legitimize any war in my opinion.

As much as I am against war, and hate war, and those who start war, I think to myself, “When you are invaded, then you need resistance. When there is resistance, there is glorification. When there is glorification, then there is sacrifice and the story goes on, till we see there is too much destruction and many lives are lost.”

Growing up as a Kurd, we were and still always are a project for invasion and colonisation. This is why resistance is important and often necessary to survival.

I hope there comes one day when the capitalist countries stop making weapons and selling them to our government. I hope that human beings come to a state where they no longer resort to war and invasion of other countries. I just want to live in peace and see peace prevail on our planet.

References

Fantappie, M. (2011, January 30). Houzan Mahmoud of Owfi Tells Us About Her Role in the Struggle for Equality in Iraq and Kurdistan. Retrieved from https://www.w4.org/en/wowwire/equality-human-rights-social-justice-in-iraq-kurdistan/.

IHEU. (2008, September 31). Volunteer of the month: Houzan Mahmoud. Retrieved from http://iheu.org/volunteer-of-the-month-houzan-mahmoud/.

Jacobsen, S.D. (2017, December 8). An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part One). Retrieved from https://in-sightjournal.com/2017/12/08/mahmoud-one/.

Jacobsen, S.D (2017, July 4). Interview with Houzan Mahmoud – Co-Founder, The Culture Project. Retrieved from http://conatusnews.com/interview-houzan-mahmoud/.

Jacobsen, S.D. (2017, June 24). An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud — Co-Founder, Culture Project. Retrieved from https://medium.com/humanist-voices/an-interview-with-houzan-mahmoud-co-founder-the-culture-project-7c8861d186a1.

Mahmoud, H. (2006, September 27). A dark anniversary. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2006/sep/27/ontheoccasionof24thseptember.

Mahmoud, H. (2006, June 12). A symptom of Iraq’s tragedy. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2006/jun/12/theendofzarqawitheusmade.

Mahmoud, H. (2004, March 8). An empty sort of freedom. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/world/2004/mar/08/iraq.gender.

Mahmoud, H. (2005, August 14). Houzan Mahmoud: Iraq must reject a constitution that enslaves women. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/houzan-mahmoud-iraq-must-reject-a-constitution-that-enslaves-women-5347236.html.

Mahmoud, H. (2005, January 28). Houzan Mahmoud: Why I Am Not Taking Part in These Phoney Elections. Retrieved from https://www.vday.org/node/989.html.

Mahmoud, H. (2007, May 2). Human chattel. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2007/may/02/humanchattel.

Mahmoud, H. (2006, October 7). It’s not a matter of choice. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2006/oct/07/wearingtheveilhasneverbee.

Mahmoud, H. (2014, October 10). Kobane Experience Will Live On. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/houzan-mahmoud/kobane-isis_b_5958150.html.

Mahmoud, H. (2014, October 7). Kurdish Female Fighters and Kobanê Style Revolution. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/houzan-mahmoud/kurdish-female-fighters-_b_5944382.html.

Mahmoud, H. (2016, November 1). Mosul And The Plight Of Women. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/houzan-mahmoud/mosul-isis-women_b_12740882.html.

Mahmoud, H. (2006, October 17). The price of freedom. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2006/oct/17/655000isnotjustanumber.

Mahmoud, H. (2007, April 13). We say no to a medieval Kurdistan. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2007/apr/13/thefightforsecularisminku1.

Mahmoud, H. (2007, December 21). What honour in killing?. Retrieved from https://www.newstatesman.com/international-politics/2007/12/women-rights-iraqi-honour.

Appendix I: Footnotes

[1] Co-Founder, Culture Project.

[2] Individual Publication Date: December 15, 2017 at www.in-sightjournal.com; Full Issue Publication Date: January 1, 2017 at https://in-sightjournal.com/insight-issues/.

[3] MA, Gender Studies, SOAS-University of London.

[4] Photographs courtesy of Houzan Mahmoud.

Appendix II: Citation Style Listing

American Medical Association (AMA): Jacobsen S. An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two) [Online].December 2017; 15(A). Available from: www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two.

American Psychological Association (APA, 6th Edition, 2010): Jacobsen, S.D. (2017, December 15). An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two). Retrieved from www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two.

Brazilian National Standards (ABNT): JACOBSEN, S. An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two). In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal. 15.A, December. 2017. <www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two>.

Chicago/Turabian, Author-Date (16th Edition): Jacobsen, Scott. 2017. “An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two).” In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal. 15.A. www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two.

Chicago/Turabian, Humanities (16th Edition): Jacobsen, Scott “An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two).” In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal. 15.A (December 2017). www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two.

Harvard: Jacobsen, S. 2017, ‘An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two)‘, In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal, vol. 15.A. Available from: <www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two>.

Harvard, Australian: Jacobsen, S. 2017, ‘An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two)‘, In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal, vol. 15.A., www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two.

Modern Language Association (MLA, 7th Edition, 2009): Scott D. Jacobsen. “An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two).” In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal 15.A (2017):December. 2017. Web. <www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two>.

Vancouver/ICMJE: Jacobsen S. An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part One) [Internet]. (2017, December; 15(A). Available from: www.in-sightjournal.com/mahmoud-two.

License and Copyright

License

In-Sight Publishing and In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal by Scott Douglas Jacobsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. Based on a work at www.in-sightjournal.com.

© Scott Douglas Jacobsen, and In-Sight Publishing and In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal 2012-2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Scott Douglas Jacobsen, and In-Sight Publishing and In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. All interviewees co-copyright their interview material and may disseminate for their independent purposes.

An Interview with Houzan Mahmoud, M.A. (Part Two) Interviewer: Scott Douglas Jacobsen Numbering: Issue 15.A, Idea: Outliers & Outsiders (Part Nine) Place of Publication: Langley, British Columbia, Canada…

#Culture Project #feminism #Houzan Mahmoud #In-Sight Publishing #In-Sight: Independent Interview-Based Journal #Iraq #Kurdistan #Kurds #Scott D. Jacobsen #Scott Douglas Jacobsen #Scott Jacobsen

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notoriousnewnew · 7 years

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Talking to myself 2

I Don’t Know Why I’m Always Sad I have this problem where I get sad when I have no reason to be. Someone will say the wrong word and it’s like they pulled the trigger of a loaded gun and I start spiraling out into this deep depression I can’t really explain. It’s like my entire body is imploding in on itself and everyone and everything feels so, so far away. I wonder if it’s just me or if this is just a normal part of being a human being. But the thing is, I never seem that way. Sad, I mean. I seem moody, maybe. Annoyed on a good day, but never sad. The world looks at me as if I live in in an impenetrable bubble of optimism, as if nothing can destroy my eternal happiness. Maybe that’s who I want to be, so I pretend that I am her. But some days I’m so sad I bury myself in blankets and stare at my computer screen for hours. Sometimes I put a movie on. Sometimes the screen is blank. If someone walks in I quickly make sure it looks like I’m doing something. “Go away,” I’ll say. “I’m busy.” I told my friend I thought I was depressed and he said, “What do you have to be sad about? You’re a white girl with so many opportunities.” And I have to admit he had a point. But that just makes me more sad. Why can’t I be happy when I have everything in the equation that should make me feel happy? Then I just keep wondering what went wrong and I can’t think about anything else. Some days I don’t feel much, but sometimes I feel so much that it bubbles in my gut and climbs up my throat and I want to scream and scream and scream. But I don’t know what I’d scream at or who to so I swallow it back until it creates this giant lump in my throat and I worry I’ll suffocate on it. Sometimes I wish I would. “You’re just going through a weird phase,” my friend told me. “You’ll get over it once you’re in a more stable place in life.” But I don’t know what that looks like. I try to pinpoint a time when things will even out again but there’s no date on the calendar that says, “Today you’ll be OK.” No alarm on my phone that says, “It’s time to feel like your entire life is put together.” I don’t know what I’m waiting for anymore. Some days it gets so bad that I can’t even see what’s in front of me and I stumble around blindly all day until I find a place to hide. I cancel all my plans because “I’m tired, I’m sorry, I didn’t get any sleep.” I know that everyone is behind the screens of their phones rolling their eyes and calling me “flaky”, but I don’t care what I am anymore. I can’t make myself care about anything. “Everything works out eventually,” my friend told me. “It gets better.” But I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what there is to work out. I can’t fix a problem I can’t identify, I can’t hope for something I can’t visualize, and I can’t make myself happy when all I know how to be is sad. When You’re Homesick For A Person When you’re homesick for a person, you realize that what you miss is not a place but the comfort of their arms, the familiarity of their touch on your skin. You don’t feel an ache to be where they are, necessarily, but be with them, making even the most foreign of places feel familiar. When you’re homesick for a person, you’re not longing to return to any specific spot on the map or to relive a certain memory or feeling, but you long to remember the taste of their cologne on your lips, the softness of their cheeks, the way you felt so whole and at ease when they leaned over to you and brushed a loose strand of hair from your face. When you’re homesick for a person, you just want to be with them—location irrelevant—because time stops with every kiss. When you’re homesick for a person, it’s not about wishing you could return somewhere, not about boarding a flight or a train to travel to them, but somehow fighting space and distance to be somewhere in the same moment, wherever that may be. When you’re homesick for a person, you’re constantly reminded of them, you’re forever imagining them standing next to you, you’re always picturing what it would be like if they were there, touching the small of your back or making you laugh over something silly. When you’re homesick for a person, it doesn’t matter where you are, you never feel as if you belong without them by your side. When you’re homesick for a person, you could return to the town where you grew up, to the city where you went to college, to the place with four walls and windows that you pay rent for every month, to the house where your parents are, to all the places and spaces you’ve claimed throughout the years, and still feel a nagging to be somewhere else. When you’re homesick for a person, there’s a dull, numbing ache at the pit of your heart reminding you that there’s something missing when they’re not around. When you’re homesick for a person, time passes slowly, each minute dragging into the next until you can finally hear their voice, a little reminder that they, too, are feeling the heaviness of every long day without you. When you’re homesick for a person, you cannot make sense of why your life is so full and yet you sometimes feel so empty, why you are always in one place but wishing to be somewhere else, why you feel so lonely even though you’re not alone. When you’re homesick for a person, you realize that your home wasn’t ever a place, but a connection, but a feeling, but a desire to be intertwined with someone physically and emotionally and spiritually and completely. When you’re homesick for a person, you cannot find where you fit unless it’s with one another, making a dwelling in one another’s hearts, one another’s souls. When you’re homesick for a person, you do whatever you can to bring yourselves together, to erase the space and distance and hours that have nestled between you. You learn how to love through the obstacles. You learn to make homes out of one another. And you fall beautifully, terrifyingly headfirst into the arms where you belong. To the guy I am going to spend my life with I don't know when are you arriving yet, but I hope wherever you are you are also seeking for me. I have to warn you though, loving me would not be easy. It's a conflagration. You will me handed different kinds of weapons and I'll be standing in front of you blindfolded. The thing is, I will be the one handling the weapons to you. Loving me would be a war, a battlefield, and it's either you'll have me as your ally or I will be on the other side of the barricade. There are so many things that are going on on my mind at the same time. From how significant atoms are to how the existence of aliens can be true. I think, I think, I think, my brain never ceases. And when these thoughts just become too heavy for me to take, you will hear me say "I am going crazy", which by the way happens a lot. You must be ready for all the crazy things that will spill out of my mouth, you must be ready to answer outrageous questions and you must be ready to have these unusual conversations. I am emotional and ocassionally you'll find me crying over the smallest things. A beautiful poetry, a heart-wrenching novel, a soul-touching song or even a ravishing art. That's just how I am. Maybe you'll find me sobbing at my room past 3 am because a character from a book died. These things, these are the ones that deeply touched my heart. I want to let you know how vulnerable my heart can be, I want to tell you how I am easily moved and how small things also keep me awake. I like you to be one of these small things, I want you to touch my heart, I also want you to keep me awake at 3 am. Make me feel all sorts of describable feelings because of you. Explore my deepest abyss and find my scattered fragments littered there and tell me if you still want to spend your life with me. Days will come where I will question your love to me. I will tear your heart and crawl inside it to prove if it's true. I will be confused, lost and sure as hell be stubborn. On these days please hold me close and I swear your presence will be enough. Kiss me like your life depends on it. Kiss me as if I'm someone who will fade if you don't. I am like a hurricane, I am destructive and sometimes I leave a chaotic remnant. So please, if you are going to kiss me, be ready for the havoc that lies ahead.

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