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oceanlipgloss · 4 months

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9.1.2024

—nsfw

Once again, I braved a battle of screaming abominations angels to unlock yet another H-scene: Mammon's! I honestly feel bad that this is going to happen behind Satan's back, but it's probably better that way. So! Without further ado, let's gooooo

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intro: sir Mammon sir??? Wha??? As far as I can tell, HE SEEMS TO BE STANDING. Oh my f—this is gonna be wild and that 'let me in' sure has more meanings than one Still, I want to ignore all that for a moment and focus on the 'I will become yours' because it made my heart flutter. The demon of Greed himself, and a KING no less, is telling a human that he will belong to her. My, my, my <3

update I:...girl I swear it hasn't been long since your bestie Paimon helped you out that's how the story makes it chronologically seem, at least

update II: he's gonna spoil her. I can feel it. She's going to get princess treatment

update III: lmfao MC being awkward for once and not knowing how tf to tell him 'pls do me'? Simply golden

update IV: I'm sorry, but that 'anytime' kind of shot me in the heart also she's so awkward lol this is against the norm

update V: MC almost seems disappointed that she's naked again

update VI: some very nice demons helped her practice this small talk is kinda like two NPCs conversing funny lol anyway, could he perhaps be bothered by how MC has done this with others before?

update VII: *points at Mammon* why is he being so hot

update VIII: he's aiming for the heart and it's a bullseye 'you're a most precious being' Goddd <3 Romance aside, though, he makes sense. Everyone she has met so far is vying for her attention, and it will be that way with those she meets later on as well, so he would rather belong to her and 'inspire' her to choose him on her own in the process

update IX: I just CANNOT get over the idea of how someone so powerful is willingly giving himself to someone else, even more so in how he's a demon king telling a human that she's the first he's ever belonged to it makes my heart wiggle And honestly, despite how a pact/contract between a demon and a human directly makes said human the devil's master, and albeit the fact that he obviously likes her, I think that him viewing her as his master and welcoming that fact is very modest of him because in the end, he's one of the most powerful demons and a king too—and that's a package that usually comes with lots of pride, but he's so calm about it and accepting of it

update X: so he's not as close to Solomon as others seem to have been. But please back up for a moment, Mammon: what do you mean by saying your contract with Solomon was just a game? I want to hear the story behind that *rubs hands together* do tell Anyway, I've got an important note. I admire how they touched on the concept of greed. As in, MC has others but still feels so possessive of Mammon that even his contract with Solomon, whose whereabouts are currently unknown, bothers her—yet, the game doesn't label that as selfish, even though I think it's cruel and most definitely selfish (because, after all, MC can't have everyone—they're not objects or possessions, they have their own thoughts and feelings, and so she doesn't have the right to want them all, as it's brutally unfair to them even if they seemingly let it slide); the game just lets it be, though, and I really appreciate the dark tinge this has to it. It's a refreshing take.

update XI: smiling in the midst of a kiss? YESSS <;3 kinda weird how MC suddenly got so possessive over him though lol his sin of greed has to be affecting her oh, her very own sin of horny, too makes me wonder how unhinged she'll become once it's time to do the deed with Asmodeus or one of his subjects Ronové mmm

update XII: PFFFFFF the butt-wrestling match begins

update XIII: MC rn: oh, MC, we're really in it now

update XIV: HOT DAMN

update XV: so, um. I said this was going to be wild, didn't I? And I did say Mammon appeared to be STANDING, didn't I? Because would you look at that! This IS wild wild writing and he IS still standing SJSNLMS BRING IT

update XVI: GOOD GOD THAT CG FLAILS AROUND PASSES OUT DIES MAMMON IS NOT PLAYING

update XVII: in memory of MC: horny killed the cat 'I'm going to die' almost sent me but imagining the 'you felt like it would come out of your mouth' sentence made me mentally gag. Like goddamn, bro

update XVIII: a playful gentleman ugh yesss

update XIX: rough but sweet? Fuckkk he's really something also how TF is she even managing to stay quiet? The PP is so grand it stunned her Okay but he seems to be really affectionate and that makes me melt ALL THOSE KISSES <3

update XX: this is easily my favourite part of this scene. It's so gentle. He's telling MC in his own way that they should both just enjoy the current moment without her thinking of other things (i.e. if he's interested in her since she's Solomon's daughter). This silent reply is so sweet and romantic—an affirmation that proves his feelings and defies her doubts but she doesn't get the message

update XXI: oh what the hell Mammon, how sweet are you? But aaaah I was right lol it was love at first sight for him. He did fall in love first and he did fall in love quickly, and this in turn means that he's also doing this because he loves her. From earlier interactions with him I figured that that his H-scene would have a dose of intimacy, so this is really nice to have Also, I HAD to include at least one screenshot of this CG because dammit feel free to use your imagination in order to see beyond the heart "look beyond what you see."

update XXII: there we go again with the horns oh God oh dear God THEY ANNIHILATE ME EVERY SINGLE TIME And now? FUCKING HELL WAY TO GO MC, that was SO HOT. What she did with gripping his horn and making him lower his head is cute, but the intention behind that and licking his horn are both very sensual and I think they're going to take a toll on Mammon too

update XXIII: yup the poor man froze

update XXIV: gotta stay true to form I think I know what comes next how the tables have turned, huh MC? I'm sorry, but this is so funny to imagine lol

update XXV: 'bumped into your face' omfg I'm—lmaoooo MC: *panics in porn reference* Me: *snorts* HILARIOUS! ENTERTAIN ME

update XXVI: aaaaaaah I KNOW I keep saying this, I won't shut up about it though a powerful entity who also happens to be a KING being willing to do what a much weaker being wants DOES THINGS TO ME SJDNFDJKSNDKS when did MC ever say she wanted this though Mammon I know you also want to do this because you worship butts

update XXVII: MC be like pls chill big man inner voice: keep going

update XXVIII: someone get MC a floatie she's gonna drown

update XXIX: when I tell you I was LAUGHING through this last part??? What the fuck mannn lol MC needs to set aside towels and floaties for every H-scene fr I feel bad for the towels tho, they'll never make it out dry

update XXX: noooo this is playing a number on my stone-cold heart so soft and sentimentallll

update XXXI: he's really sweet

update XXXII: MC, come here for a minute *SMACK* that was insensitive asf, sweetie I genuinely question her intelligence sometimes lol how is she going to make my man Gusion like her at this rate sob PrettyBusy will somehow find a way and hopefully it won't be 'you're Solomon's daughter so I like you.' I have faith in my man Gusion Gusion aside, sorry hon one of the things I really like about Mammon is how he's not afraid to be straightforward and express his dislike for something, and he also directly says when a certain thing bothers him, no matter what. This also hints at the great confidence he holds in himself.

update XXXIII: fluff fluff flufffff

update XXXIV: arghhhhh he had to say that at the end <3

update XXXV: all this sugar is lethal

#mammon what in hell is bad #whb mammon #mammon whb #what in “hell” is bad #what in hell is bad #what in hell is bad diaries

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comradekatara · 1 year

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i feel like it's worth noting that even though combustion man had every intention of killing the gaang, and therefore, sokka's actions are like, justifiable—there's no way he could've known a boomerang to the head would cause an internal explosion and kill the assassin. or that it would do anything besides knock the guy out so they can escape. like??? people do be wilding out here

also, i'm rewatching the show rn and i was wondering if you had any thoughts on the significance (if any) of zuko not having his scar in his dream after he frees appa?

I mean he didn’t know it would kill him, but I’m sure it’s the most desirable outcome for him, seeing as killing him means ending his pursuit (to quote katara) permanently. sokka has no problem with killing people if they’ve tried to kill him first. he wanted to let zuko die in the north pole. he sliced open melonlord’s head all “there. that’s how it’s done.” granted, he did spare azula on the gondola, but there were a lot of factors at play there. for the most part sokka has no qualms with killing enemy combatants, although he also does seem to want to minimize casualties as much as possible. he can be cold, calculating, and even ruthless, but he is not aggressive or bloodthirsty in the slightest. in that sense I think he and azula are similar, whereas zuko and katara are far more aggressive and out for blood due to their inner rage rather than any innate understanding of the necessary cost of war. they can talk a big game, but ultimately, sokka and azula will do what needs to be done, while katara and zuko talk about getting revenge but are too sensitive to actually take a life when faced with the prospect (and to be clear, I don’t think either approach is wrong or right, it’s simply how they are as people). acknowledging that sokka has a kill count isn’t a bad thing, but treating that fact as if it makes him immoral is also incorrect. he does not kill for the sake of killing. he knows he is in a war, and he kills out of necessity.

and yeah! there’s been a lot of great analysis of that dream sequence, as it’s obviously very symbolic and however you read it, it provides a lot of insight into his character arc. one thing to note is that besides this dream sequence, I don’t think zuko ever looks into a mirror. (and note that when azula does look into a mirror, she breaks it.) I don’t think zuko can stand to look at his own reflection. keep in mind that zuko’s entire dream sequence is a product of his body being unable to process the trauma of performing an act in which he disobeys ozai’s conditioning. iroh forces him to challenge what he thinks he should do versus his deeper instincts, and since he’s spent the past three years ignoring those instincts, burning them away and then snuffing them out with ozai’s lessons taking their place, his body doesn’t know how to process the action of him going against the dogma that has fueled him for years. his body is punishing itself in place of the punishment he feels he must receive after disobeying ozai’s orders. he’s recovering from a wound, only this time, it’s psychological (internal) rather than physical (external). (sidenote: this is why I hate seeing people joke that “zuko did one good thing and then promptly fell ill” like yeah it’s his body’s response to the severe trauma of his abuse haha hilarious!) so this is the context for zuko’s feverish reevalation. he’s undergoing the realization that in ba sing se, ozai cannot actually reach him, and therefore he is safe to be who he wants to be. of course, this isn’t entirely true either. he’s not actually being who he wants to be once he recovers from his fever, he’s being who iroh wants him to be. he’s replacing one father with another. he’s still scared of the consequences of disappointing his patriarch, so he plays the perfect son and pretends to be happy. of course this facade cannot last either, which is foreshadowed by the two dragons in zuko’s dream, iroh and azula. both of them have an agenda for zuko, and here he sits, scarless, at a crossroads.

#sincerelyjordan #asks #analysis #I’ve seen good analysis of this dream sequence recently maybe I’ll link it if I can find it #since this is obv barely scratching the surface #edit: added it! please read it it’s very good #but I think the point about zuko trading ozai for iroh is really important #maybe I’ll expand on this at some point #sokka #zuko #iroh&zuko #ozai&zuko

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everything-is-crab · 7 months

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:))

This is what I meant when I said both rightoids and liberals in India are equally dumb as fuck. Both are pro imperialists. She's not even lower caste and yet she's speaking on behalf of us. I have seen this trend in a lot of "anticasteist" upper caste women (who unfortunately have more voices than people like me, actually women from oppressed castes).

How are these people different from the white supremacists who say brown people are intellectually and socially inferior?

"At least the goras let us have meat" oh okay we're gonna ignore the 3 million lives lost in Bengal famine caused by Churchill's policies (after which he blamed it on us instead of his own greediness). Did he let those people eat meat then? Unhinged shit. They wouldn't let people fill their bellies cause sometimes instead of food crops they wanted our ancestors to grow cotton, indigo, spices, tea. Which also left areas prone to land disasters. Commercial stuff that they could sell at much cheaper prices in their own countries and others in the Western world as well. Also levied extremely unreasonably high taxes. Leaving us with no money. Delusional world these middle/upper class liberals live in where the British let us have meat. They didn't even let us have rice.

The British protected the caste system. Read Sharmila Rege's work about how the British introduced the process of "Brahmanisation" in colonial India.

This is the exact thing Hindu nationalists are doing rn! And have been doing forever! Protecting Western imperialists! Why do you think Modi is bootlicking the US so much? Do you think the farmers' protests and the after effects of globalization after 1991 are disconnected from Western imperialism?

Just because nationalists claim to be against white dominance doesn't mean they practice what they preach.

And this folks is why you need to incorporate class and gender in your analysis and not read about the work of only the middle class men of a community :)

Women and poor people matter too.

But unfortunately many earlier anti caste activists who were middle or upper class were anti Marxists and only later few like the Dalit Panthers and R.B More realized the importance of Marxist analysis for understanding modern caste based oppression more. Yes many Indian Marxists ignored casteism. But that does not mean we must dispose it as a useless theory.

But who tf cares about the Dalit Panthers or anyone else? Have you even heard of any other names that aren't Phule or Ambedka? Everyone followed and still follow people like Periyar, Ambedkar, Phule who were all from relatively well off family. And why will people who uncritically follow these people not think colonization was as bad? All of them attended British school and went for higher studies as well. The British was staunchly anti communist. They constantly resisted communist activists in colonial India. This is a privilege even today many people from oppressed castes cannot enjoy.

I have seen all these upper caste women, ignore people like me pointing this out. They think we're against education of oppressed castes (why would I advocate that for my own community?). But rather we take issue to these men ignoring their economic and male privilege and speaking on behalf of all of us.

A reminder that Periyar criminalized devadasis and read Ambedkar's arguments against Hindutva solutions to the Partition (hint: he cared more about the money that could be wasted in missionaries rather than the violence and human rights and unironically called Muslim people "tyrannical" and referred to "Muslim oppression" on Hindus). He was anti casteist, but he was Islamophobic.

To avoid with this kind of thinking, follow Dalit feminist theory. Dalit femininism from its inception has been pro Marxist (cause women make most of poor here). And they explain the effects of colonization on lower caste women (how the British introduced evidence act, a law that justified rape against lower caste women and let me remind you gang rape of lower caste women by upper caste men is a national issue. Ex the Manipur case, the rape of Phoolan Devi, the Hathras case etc). And how dowry (that earlier used to be a practice mainly amongst upper castes was now becoming dominant in lower castes as well due to capitalization of economy during colonial era). Maybe then you will understand why the British abolished sati but not any temple prostitution or other issues faced exclusively by women from oppressed castes. In fact they called upper caste women those who deserve to be protected but lower caste women were inherently deviant in their justification. But please go ahead and argue how imperialism brings "good things" sometimes.

Just read about caste reformation during colonial era. The choice isn't between hindutva and colonial era. The choice is between hindutva and hindutva along with colonial rule. Why do most liberals pretend the British never favored the Brahmins over everybody else?

White supremacy is so much better than Hindu supremacy for women of lower castes am I right guys?

This is so much better?

Also reminded of the "breast cloth" controversy. Do not mistake that anti caste activism is always anti caste for both Dalit men and women. Sometimes it favors Dalit men. And oppresses Dalit women further. Cause usually the colonizers never cared about oppressed castes but when they did, it was only for the men.

Ik many upper caste Marxists are not good at anti caste politics but I cannot separate Marxism from my anti caste or feminist politics. And as a Marxist from a formerly colonized country, I cannot ignore the imperial divide between the West (that is white dominated) and the global south (that includes India). You cannot separate the conditions of brown and black people today in the global south from the past dynamics of the colonizer and the colonized.

Lower caste women are obviously very poor. The poorest of all with least social protection. These upper caste women can sit on their asses and write papers and blogs on how much white supremacy was much cooler. But the ones from oppressed castes and working class? They don't have this privilege. They have the same burden of upper caste women related to marriage and domestic work and everything. But on top of that they have to do labor as well. And after globalization, when condition of "blue collar jobs" degraded (wages lowered, subsidies cut, worker protection rights gone etc) , the percentage of women in these fields increased. That's not a coincidence. Men always force women into lower earning occupations that have little job security. I am not gonna ignore this.

Fuck Hindutva. But fuck white supremacy too. For me neither is better. Both go hand in hand in fact. Look at the Hindu nationalists in France allying with white supremacists over shared conservative interests.

#Dalit femininism #india #marxist feminism

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doubledyke · 4 months

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hey, i’ve read some of your writing and i really like it. do you have any tips?

aw dude that's really sweet. i'm really self conscious about everything i write so i appreciate hearing that. i'm still learning myself, so my advice is probably gonna be kind of obvious yet nebulous (much like my writing). oh and im not great at following my own advice, but we can ignore that.

first and foremost i'd say try to have fun. get weird with it. don't stress too much about it. it's supposed to be an enjoyable pastime, so write what YOU like, how you like. the "rules" of grammar and composition are helpful, but you're allowed to be a lot more lax with creative writing. i know i am 👀

in my humble opinion, you can never have too many details, even- or especially- oddly specific ones. personal experiences are a great way to inject some minutiae, and i enjoy the insight they provide into the author's perspective, background, thought process, etc.. there are infinite other tools at your disposal too. like the number of times i've found myself browsing ancient, niche forums just to confirm one insignificant bit of information is ridiculous.

don't be afraid to take your story as seriously or unseriously as you want. sometimes i'll be snapped out of focus with the thought of "am i really writing this rn" 😂 but i just try to remind myself that i'm (usually) having fun, i'm not hurting anyone and someone might even enjoy the final product.

for eene, try to listen to the voice acting as much as you watch the animation. and don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone when writing a character. i'm neither comfortable, nor very good at writing for ed, but i nutted up and gave it a shot recently and yeah it's nuclear level cringe but i suppose it can't get any worse, right? RIGHT???.... i love learning new words, so when i'm writing for edd (and in general) you know i keep that thesaurus tab open. with eddy, there's always room for more irreverence. i'm also one of those people that cannot help but drop almost every g when i write eddy. and it's just as important to get their idiolects down, which can be tricky. BUT that's mostly if your goal is to stay close to the source material, which is definitely not necessary. i'm just not a very creative person 😂

if you're in a rut, skip to another section, or hell even another chapter. the fic i'm working on rn was hatched from a simple premise several months ago, so i started at the end and have been building on that. an unconventional starting point can be really helpful when you're struggling to start at all. because i'm me, it's turned into a nightmare beast that i can't seem to contain, but i still have a general idea of where we're going and we'll get there eventually lmfao. to that point, outlines, bullet points, notes, etc. are all very useful.

take breaks, let her sit for a while. i'll write a whole bunch, leave, come back to review and be like girl what the hell is this. fresh eyes make a big difference! however, don't be like me and get too caught up in the weeds. i make compulsive little tweaks of my shit up to the point and even after i hit post. more often than not, it's more stress than it's worth. i just can't help it 🥴

and then of course, read other people's stuff. i'm not much of a fiction reader but i make exceptions for the sake of my hyper-fixation. it truly does help to see different perspectives and styles of writing. everyone has a unique voice that really comes through in creative writing, which i love. i've gleaned a lot from reading other people's work as well. i frequently come across new and creative ideas for changing up sentence structure, dialogue tags and narration by reading stuff from fellow fans.

aaaaaand yeah idk what else really. like i said, i'm not the best at writing but i think as long as you're getting your ideas across in the way that you want to, you're golden. anyone who makes shitty remarks about someone else's writing can sit and spin honestly.

#thank you again for the kind words #i have not even the slightest clue what i'm doing but we're rolling with it ✌️

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roobylavender · 8 months

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(Really long ask ahead i’m sorry!) I think your thoughts on dick and his similarities vs differences to bruce are so interesting! Personally i’m wondering how much of NTT played an influence on this kind of characterization bc i’ve never fully finished ntt but i read like nearly all the pre-80s batman 1940 issues lol and dick very much was portrayed as more idealistic than bruce in some ways while more no-nonsense (? For lack of better word) in other ways, like when it comes to batman easing up a little on selina for romance reasons LOL. Though ofc dick totally turns into - well, a dick - in team books, as i grow older i find myself far more compelled by a potential story of an 18 yr old who seemed to have the whole weight of the world on his shoulders (by his own perception) and breaking under his own impractically strong sense of duty and sky-high expectations for others, then realizing as he grows older that it doesn’t have to be that way esp after seeing the perspectives of characters like kory, wally, joey, roy, etc. Like personally as someone who never really had a huge interest in NTT anyway, i’m surprised at how desperately people want to hold on to the characterization of dick when he was 18-19 and never letting him grow past that, like it’s so difficult for me to believe that at age 25 he would be the same uptight controlling kid that he was at 19. Maybe i’m biased though bc i was like one of those insufferable INTJ internet stereotypes as a teenager, and while that worldview did bring me achievements i’m proud of like the fact that i’m in med school rn studying what i love, i still know that at age 22 i have changed SO much from when i was 18 and i can’t imagine any reasonably mature or normally-functioning person (let alone someone high-functioning like dick) not doing the same lol. Especially since dick is the kind of person who would literally die if he’s not constantly growing and evolving past his faults bc of his insufferable perfectionism, idk how he’d be willfully blind to the negative effects of his worldview in early NTT and refuse to grow from there. He even has a quote that’s like “i’ve spent years as a student of my own behavior” which i always found highly encouraging bc i know he really does want to improve himself even at his worst. It reminds me of that Marcus Aurelius quote: “if someone can prove me wrong and show me my mistake in any thought or action, i shall gladly change. I seek the truth, which never harmed anyone; the harm is to persist in one’s own self-deception and ignorance.” But what are your thoughts? (Thank you for reading all this 🥹)

oh i absolutely agree! i cannot tell you how many times i think about the person i was a couple years ago and who i am now like i cringe so much omg.. maturity is an ever persistent process even if we don't recognize its effects immediately and it absolutely is crazy to think that anyone would remain in such a static state of mind for several years on end. esp when like you said dick is someone who wants to be better! so despite his several hypocrisies it is nonetheless in his best interests to look internally and analyze and evolve. and i feel like that very much could have happened had there been any actual segue between dick's breakup with kory and his re-entry into the batfam. i don't think there was much of a connection between these two sets of writers at all and so what you got is what felt like two very distinct parts of dick's life that didn't necessarily reveal a bridge point. so it's not entirely unrealistic that dick may grow to be the person (at least to some extent) that bat canon portrayed him to be in the years that followed but i certainly think as it stands it felt unearned and like all of his issues explored in ntt were conveniently swept to the side without any semblance of closure (albeit i do think some of these issues are addressed in outsiders '03 but in that dickheaded way that winick explores things generally. so i'm not sure it's the kind of closure people actually want). it's very sad and ig that's what people cling to more than anything. it's not that they're opposed to him growing to be a better person but that they're opposed to a version of dick who feels like he sprung out of nothing

#ironically enough i Do think dick going back to gotham after the kory breakup made sense #like when something that big happens in your life what are you going to do. seek the advice of the one person you look up to more than anyt #ing right. but marv wolfman complicated things by writing bruce the way he did so rather than bruce playing an active part #in guiding dick through some of his issues and mistakes he instead became dick's burden to bear through extensive post knightfall trauma #and i mean you all know i Love knightfall. i really do it gives me brainworms upon brainworms #but i wish there had been just one moment. like after it was all over. that bruce and dick actually got to talk and like #discuss dick's problems yknow #i get the feeling they didn't delve much when writing prodigal bc they had to set up the next arcs and stuff but it's like #come on. come on. they could've afforded it. if dick really had to come back to gotham for a temporary stint where he tried to find himself #than a proper conversation with bruce about what he was going through should have been a part of that #bc i do think working with bruce's new cavalry of three teen heroes (tim / steph / cass) would have borne wonderful opportunities #for dick to grow as a leader and peer considering his ridiculous expectations of others and how this would measure up against teenagers #but the problem is that bat canon decided he was going to magically gel with everyone bc he was emotionally more well adjusted than bruce #was. like ok. ok. whateverrrrrrrr #like idk it's so funny they were given a dick with a plethora of issues and instead of using any of that ammo they were like nah #we're going to make our lives harder and give him new problems manifested out of thin air. totally makes sense. bullseye #outbox

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phoenix-angel-suyari · 5 months

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Y'all, I can't

I know we've all heard me say this before, but I literally cannot handle this anymore. My medical team have flat out told me I need to seriously destress. It's too much for my body.

I'm bleeding internally and have been for months now. They know this because my blood tests keep coming up more anemic than the last, my white blood cell levels are high, and other fluid checks keep turning up the presence of blood. I have had every fucking test over the last three months and they can't find the bleed. Waiting on camera results from like two weeks ago. Which is fun. I want them to find something to fix. I explained to my therapist and my psychiatrist that not having something to fight makes this whole process worse.

Not that I need something else to fight. But, it'd fucking help to know what's happening.

I've lost all interest in food. Literally, want nothing to do with it. I eat because I have to eat so I can maintain my blood sugar levels and for meds. But, even that takes so much energy. I just end up eating whatever feels less likely to make me sick just thinking about it, then adapt to account for what is and is not available in the house. Why has food become my enemy? Who the fuck knows. My medical team sure as hell doesn't.

I'm losing weight, but I have weight to spare, so that's not the worst. No, it's the fact that I've had DEPRESSION hair healthier than whatever the fuck's going on rn. I'm EXHAUSTED all the time. Literally every major organ is pulling some bullshit. I am on meds for all the things. But, meds alone can't fix what's going on. As every medical professional on my roster has gone on and on about. Repeatedly. Like I don't get it. Like I'm not trying. Like it's in any way achievable in the place I'm currently mired in.

My family, of course, remains stubbornly, willfully, intractably ignorant of my situation and my pleas despite me literally, explicitly stating that I cannot keep on like this.

I can't work because of organ complications. No work means no money. No money means having to negotiate and sacrifice and just go without for stretches sometimes. I have exactly .5 in my bank account and that's going to end up negative sometime this week. Yet, I'm still expected to care for young children, attend to older children, clean a house that is not mine and care for an ailing aunt with rapid onset aggressive alzheimer's/dementia. All for no pay, no compensation, no thanks and nothing but grief and harassment when I literally cannot scrape enough energy together to completely push through all my own shit and attend to everyone else and their needs/wants/desires. Everything I do is not the right thing, naturally. And everyone has SOMETHING to say about the state of my health and/or life (especially the lack thereof) while offering zero actual assistance or support - even emotionally, even just by being available. I keep getting bullshit like, "Well, what're you gonna do?" And, "What do you want me to tell you?" And, "You just have to take it and move on."

Three years of straight therapy working to not do that. Three years of therapy growing strong enough to not just give in and to tell people no and a whole host of other things, and now more of this shit. My new therapist is worthless for this kind of stuff. Have a new psychiatrist because my last one left. I am so fucking touch starved I feel sick over any physical contact that isn't with someone too young to care for themselves or an animal. And despite me constantly asking for something, anything all I get is ignored or gaslit or attacked.

There's nothing left for me to attempt for stress relief. I spend most of my time doom scrolling on tik tok because it's the only space that feels in any way engaging or relaxing any more. And I have all this drive to change things, but no way to actually see any, let alone all of it to fruition.

All this to say, my stress levels are incredibly high. I am not okay by any stretch of imagination or definition of the word. And at the rate I'm going, I will probably die from it before anything else happens. Which, btw, is not me being dramatic. That's straight out of several medical professionals mouths. Provided, of course, I do not do a hard reset, which, yeah.

Anyway. Just needed to rant for a bit. Thanks anyone who made it this far. I appreciate you.

#my life #my family #my health #Health Update

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 6 months

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Tw for csa, nightmares and flashbacks, csa detail

I just wanna vent

Last night I had a horrible nightmare of getting raped. It lasted for a long time and I'm still shaken from it. It brought back many flashbacks when I woke up. Idk why but even tho it was my mom who sa me, whenever I have a nightmare of sa (which happens a lot) my mom is never the rapist? Like its either my dad or a random person. Which is weird cuz my dad never sa'ed me. Sure he did constantly commented on my body ("your ass is growing, you're growing up!") Which make me feel uncomfortable. And one time he peeked through the toilet when i was using it to see if im on my phone, which was also weird but like he ddint mean to be inapp he just wanted to make sure i wasnt on my phone. But he never really did anything physical. Anyways the nightmare brought back shitty memories. I can still feel her lips and hands on me. It makes me feel so disgusted with myself, I feel like im dirty and gross for it. Ik it's not my fault but I just can't help feeling ashamed. My mom doesn't sa me anymore but she kinda does like.lower forms of it. Like slapping my ass or touching it, but that's normal right? I mean, I don't think she really means it in an inappropriate way, like she might just think it's a cute way of showing affection. My family is really physically affectionate after all, even my dad do that. Idk man I just feel so weird rn. I feel like I wanna get away from my body, like I don't belong in this thing. I wanna rip my skin off just to feel like she's never touched me. I wish she never did this to me, I wish we were a perfect family like how other ppl think we are. Worst part is they act so nice, they're good parents. It's just when I think of my childhood it's pretty messed up. I just keep trying to push down these feelings and ignore them so I can live in this fantasy of having perfect parents, but lately it's been becoming harder to do it. Thanks for listening, I hope u guys have a great day <3

- 💛

Hi 💛,

I'm so sorry about what you've been going through, as well as the dream you had. While you said your dad didn't outright SA you like your mom did, it sounds like he's still made inappropriate comments towards you and touches your butt. Please know that these things are unacceptable and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

It can be confusing when we dream of scenarios that are a bit different from our actual trauma, and it's natural to wonder why these details are changed in the dream. Sometimes our brains experiment with different dynamics to see how that changes the situation. Because for example there is quite a big difference between being raped by a stranger and being raped by your mom, and perhaps entertaining the idea of it being a stranger is a way to navigate and understand the dynamic between you and your mom. But sometimes its more symbolic or metaphorical. For example, if you dream about your dad being the perpetrator, perhaps it could symbolize the ways he makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Especially with trauma, it's natural for dreams to be a way to process and make sense of your experiences.

While it's okay for families to be physically affectionate, it must come with a certain level of care and respect for others' boundaries, which sounds absent in your family dynamic. It sounds like your family crosses physical and sexual boundaries under the guise of "normal" affection. Normalizing this behavior is what enables the abuse to continue. Please know that your body is yours and you deserve the right to say who can or cannot interact with it.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can best help you process your trauma, the dreams you've been having, and equip you with useful coping tools that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw sa #tw csa #tw r #💛

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the-amalgam-house · 2 years

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My wife brought up divorce yesterday because a woman she just met online not too long ago would only want to have children if she were legally married to the person.

Let me repeat for my own sake as well: My wife of 11 years asked if I would stay with her if we divorced so she could marry a 25 year old woman from another state that she met online for a long distance relationship probably like a month or two ago. Because babies.

I understand I'm not ideal. I'm not a woman, I can't work, I don't have sex. I'm disabled with so many chronic physical and mental illnesses it's severely impacted my ability to be a person at all. I understand being a burden on anyone who would have to care for me. I even would have been more open to talking about it as an option for trying to get me on disability so my medical needs could potentially be more stable. But to be told "I'm thinking about divorce because I want to marry someone else, but I still love you!" Is just.

She's polyamorous. I always stated that it's p much okay as long as she always comes back to me. I know that doesn't REQUIRE legal marriage...but I'm gonna be real that fucking hurts. For her to expect me to stay when she wants to leave for someone else. Maybe not physically leave, but she gets so enamored with these women who have never been there for her thus far and are just the current crush and tells me things that any other relationship would be like woah red flag!! I don't even care about her having sex with other ppl because I can't do it and she's hyper sexual so like yeah fine! Again, as long as she always came back to me.

But I guess I'm the fool for thinking I could ever attain lasting happiness? That someone would be unbreakingly bonded and loyal to someone who simply cannot contribute to life in a meaningful way. Too disabled to work too mentally fucked up to be a proper human being.

I don't want to deny her any opportunity to actually have the life she wanted. Neither of us asked for the illness and the stress. If she would rather have that marriage with kids, with an able bodied child bearing person, then that's what she wants. But I don't think she can really expect me to just stay mentally and romantically through that. It's one thing if she could marry another person while we're still married, but to just be casually thinking about divorcing me for that.

Idk. I feel extremely hurt and I don't know if I have the right to. I don't know that if I'm here like I'm okay with you dating other people but will become completely unstable if you try to marry them because it's not legal to marry several ppl and we're the ones who are married...feels selfish? Somehow?? I don't know what to do.

Edit: I was afraid to bring it up at all to her but I did anyway. She admits she doesn't think about just blurting out every thought she has to me, and apologized. Right in this moment, it doesn't make it any better. The fact is she thought about the idea of divorcing me specifically to marry this woman and then came over to snuggle with me and then tell me that thought process out loud and why. I want to be able to work past this, but to me this is a huge fucking deal.

If I had any real amount of disposable money rn I'd run away to my Mami for a little while tbh. I need to be away from here.

Second Edit:

Calmed down a lot. Kanon kept messaging, assuring me again and again that she didn't word it right and trying to clear up that it's that she really would rather be able to be married to multiple people and that she loves me no matter what some government paper says, but like it's not really so much about that I guess? It's that we built this whole life after marriage and struggle and illness and doing the best to ignore ppl who want us divorced for way more malicious and ignorant reasons and then saying "I will never divorce you" turns into "maybe we can little a divorce, as a treat"

If marriage or a license or court record or whatever doesn't matter, would it but then be a thing of compromising that with the NEW interest and not the already committed life partner? And if the new interest DOESN'T want to change their stance then like...I guess just don't have bio kids then? We can't afford them and bringing new lives into the world just cause one can is irresponsible anyway. Plus they aren't even dating they're just talking anyway.

So I guess it's got me more disgruntled now than outright freak out crying. I'm still upset about it and doing think that's going to go away any time soon, cause it's fucked up.

#toby talk

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thedivinefish · 6 months

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divinefishingtips · 6 months

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also this month... You Wealth Revolution Season 26 with host Darius Barazandeh Halloween Wednesday October 31st at 4pm Eastern

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Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

From the Fish Box

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*Upon sending an email request after your purchase, you can receive a one-time sample/example of the software analysis. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

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365dailyaffirmations · 6 months

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TGIWednesday: do you get that?

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Need a one-on-one session? You can get on my schedule most times within 72 hours - take a look and book! Appointments View Calendar First, Then Pay and Schedule 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins

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Submit one brief sentence for each after payment and please email [email protected]

1) For myself: I would like to be relieved of the haunting feeling/fear caused by_____ (5G, wireless, reversed polarity, being ungrounded, my ex partner, my past, my fear of the future)

2) For my loved one: I would like to see them released from______ (pain of a health challenge, mental health causes, an upcoming test that they have to pass, addiction to…..)

Join us as we collectively release the negative, dark and heavy energies and exchange them for positive, light and flowing loving energies

It's as simple as filling in the blanks above after submitting your payment of 22$ US. You will receive BOTH the video and audio replay links with purchase.

Pre-register now - just $22

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also this month... You Wealth Revolution Season 26 with host Darius Barazandeh Halloween Wednesday October 31st at 4pm Eastern

Watch and listen to hundreds of Radio Show replays for FREE here in the archives from the Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show.

https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

From the Fish Box

DAILY PRAYER TESTIMONIAL

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

*Upon sending an email request after your purchase, you can receive a one-time sample/example of the software analysis. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.

30-Days of Prayer - $99

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View Full Zoom Replay Collection 20% OFF Dark Energies Replays The 5 Anchors Process The Purple Rain Process The Magical Golden Key

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advancedthetapractitioner · 6 months

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TGIWednesday: do you get that?

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Need a one-on-one session? You can get on my schedule most times within 72 hours - take a look and book! Appointments View Calendar First, Then Pay and Schedule 15 mins | 30 mins | 60 mins

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Submit one brief sentence for each after payment and please email [email protected]

1) For myself: I would like to be relieved of the haunting feeling/fear caused by_____ (5G, wireless, reversed polarity, being ungrounded, my ex partner, my past, my fear of the future)

2) For my loved one: I would like to see them released from______ (pain of a health challenge, mental health causes, an upcoming test that they have to pass, addiction to…..)

Join us as we collectively release the negative, dark and heavy energies and exchange them for positive, light and flowing loving energies

It's as simple as filling in the blanks above after submitting your payment of 22$ US. You will receive BOTH the video and audio replay links with purchase.

Pre-register now - just $22

October Featured Discounts

FREE Live Appearances

also this month... You Wealth Revolution Season 26 with host Darius Barazandeh Halloween Wednesday October 31st at 4pm Eastern

Watch and listen to hundreds of Radio Show replays for FREE here in the archives from the Jimmy Mack Healing Radio show.

https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack Own this e-book so that you can read inspiration every day!

From the Fish Box

DAILY PRAYER TESTIMONIAL

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

*Upon sending an email request after your purchase, you can receive a one-time sample/example of the software analysis. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers.

30-Days of Prayer - $99

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

?Visit our ?NEW O?nline ?TRAININ?G? CENTER

Visit now, Click Here!

The Fish Market

Buy Gift Certificates here

View Full Zoom Replay Collection 20% OFF Dark Energies Replays The 5 Anchors Process The Purple Rain Process The Magical Golden Key

Healing and Grounding Mats for all occasions Yes even Lily my cat uses the pet one! View Grounding Mats here Use code: MyLiquidFishfs for Free Shipping

**We are NOT involved in the sales or shipping process of the 3rd party items, please contact them directly.

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borderline-gays-club · 8 months

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Lol damn even having an obsession with a celebrity is not safe…😭😭

I feel like I’m going thru a mini breakup rn lmaooo. This shit is so annoying!!!!

I’ll go into it later but like damn..I’m so disappointed…long story short, she did something I cannot morally sit right with and I can’t let myself ignore these things anymore. Cus I wud excuse bad behavior and things that went against my morals with ppl I’ve dated or been friends with and it never ended well…

Welp. I guess this obsession was a lot more short lived than I expected…still need time to process tho. But like damn…I’m not gonna lie I feel sad.but it’ll b ok.

#actually bpd #bpd #bgc #bpd thoughts #quiet borderline #actually borderline #bpd shit #obsession

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xorobyn · 2 years

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Oh hi tumblr aka my diary,

I officially hit rock bottom just the other week. My baby boy died… can’t go into it rn bc I write to process my emotions and honestly I’m not ready yet…

Moving on after that happened I lost it. I have never been so heartbroken, helpless, depressed, and suicidal.

God I’m trying not to go into bc it is too late to sit here and ball.

You just need to know I hit rock bottom x1000

I will tell you more one day, but I pulled myself out (little by little everyday. I’m still not better). I finally went to a psychiatrist. They upped my anti depressant and anxiety meds. Also, they put me on a mood stabilizer which I am hoping is going to help me. You can go back and read years back how I am always up and down. That is a part of the reason I do this. So I can go back and see how my life was going. Anyway, the point is one of the worst things about life is feeling up and down so much. It gets so exhausting. It is hard to manage. I was on a big high for a while, but I have def came down. It is so crazy bc I legit wake up and boom I’m completely down/up. It changes about every month give or take a week.

Fuck I fucked up. I cut myself the other day. I hadn’t in over a yearish, but I just had to. I was feeling such overwhelming sadness. The sad thing is that it didn’t give me relief like it usually does. Idk if that is good so I won’t do it again or bad bc the one thing that will calm me down didn’t work… but I only do that when I lose control of myself. It’s crazy bc the whole time I don’t want to do it, but I have to. I can’t help it. I didn’t tell anyone of course. I have had enough pitty recently. I would like to go back to when no one knew anything about my emotions. I absolutely hate vulnerability. I couldn’t even talk to Cema rn about how I am feeling. I have no one. I physically cannot make myself. That’s why I miss. Damn I could talk to him about anything. Fuck I just started crying. I didn’t wanna do this. I fucking miss him so much. Literally my best friend. And it hurts even more bc I feel like I always lose friends. I don’t have a heart. Besides for one person but he just fucked me over so… well I don’t wanna date him of course but I do really like him. A lot. Very much infatuated. But somehow we always end up hating each other. Except this time I swear I didn’t do anything. One day he just switched up and started ignoring me and being short and mean. I feel crazy bc I thought we were doing good. It made me really sad. Last night was prob the last time we will talk. Yeah I cried. I’m crying a lot lately idk why. Anyway, I think we will eventually talk again but the balls in his court so it ain’t really up to me. We will see if I reply though. If I had any respect for myself I wouldn’t. Maybe I will respect myself by then.

Work is work. Don’t even wanna go into it bc thinking about it is annoying. Only thing keeping me motivated is the money. Cue The Morning by The Weeknd. Ew that was cringy.

I’m super high. Been smoking quite a lot. Only at night tho otherwise I would legit get fired. It makes me so calm tho like damn I love it.

I think I’m in love with JD. I mean I’m trying to still figure it out, but if it ain’t love then it has to be hate. Our sex is so good. We will just leave it at that on the public forum (even tho almost no one knows I have a tumblr). I just think about him all the time and I crave him. Like I said tho I don’t wanna date him. I don’t want a relationship at all rn. I just wanna fuck him and be respected… which is apparently too much to ask for lol… ew let me snap out of this.

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