#i cant afford to move out but i want my own space

[autisticlee]

I want to be rich enough to afford my own business, then live off that so I don't have to work for anyone else and can make my job meet my own needs/comfort that other jobs cannot. getting and keeping a job as an neurodivergent and/or disabled person in a neurotypical and ableist society is so frustrating and overwhelming. they refuse to meet your needs, accommodate you, blame you for your struggles, and are hardly ever accepting, because you're a "burden" to them and don't meet their ridiculous expectations so you get rejected or fired! the only choice is to do it yourself!!!!! but even starting/running businesses seems to be greatly gatekept by them too 😭

one problem is that it seems only people who are already rich can start their own physical business, in this world today. only people who don't really need to work because they're born into money can make money off their own work. then they call it hard work and pulling their boot straps or whatever 🙄 so they just hire others to do all the work for them and take most the profits. then tah-dah, they have a successful business and only had to tell some people what to do and let them all do the rest for them. I can't afford anything that goes into my own business, especially the physical shop and hired help. my living situation makes it difficult to work from home because I live in a walk-in closet sized room with the entirety of my belongings squished into the small space. i'm trying my best to make things to cell (currently stickers, art prints, 3d anime/video game figures, etc) but it's so difficult and stressful.

or alternatively, get lucky, or have social skills and spoons, to get popular enough online so you can start online first or even full time. you usually have to be super social and interesting online to gain a following who supports you and becomes your fan. not everyone is lucky to have an enticing personality (I barely have one at all 😔) and the spoons to consistently keep up with the demand to keep people interested and continuously supportive. most people online treat it all as a competition and won't help others. they refuse to share your stuff or give advice or work together. they just care about themselves and their business.

the only real advice I got is "be consistent," which i'm sure any chronically ill, disabled, or ND person knows that's basically impossible. some days are good, some weeks are horrible and you can't do anything. that's why i'd work better with a team of others so we can fill each others gaps and stay seemingly consistent, if that makes sense. if there's multiple of us, at least one of us should have the spoons to keep things going! right???? but most online businesses are single-person run and they don't want to share and split anything, even if it's just a small collab for fun (I experienced first hand how gross fellow creaters can be to each other because they treat it as a competition instead of a collab and opportunity to enjoy working together and boost each other up. I will never forgive the bts fanart community for how snobby, childish, and bullying many of the "bigger" were behind closed doors! and smaller ones that licked their boots! ive also heard similar stories about other communities and places, like twitch, youtube, etc.)

then there's the whole business managing thing and promoting and all that. i'm a nobody on the internet, so even if I did online business only to start, no one will notice me or help! (I've actually tried before multiple times in the last almost decade and sold nothing but still struggled to keep up 😅) i barely have the executive functioning spoons to take a shower more than once a week 😭 running a business all alone with all the factors pitted against me? how! i can't hire help if no one pays me lmao

when i've asked for help before, even just asking friends to share my stuff, I get slapped with the whole "stop caring what people think about your work/numbers aren't important/do it because you want to and enjoy it/etc" and that's so insulting because it makes me feel like they're trying to say my work is horrible and worthless and I don't deserve to live off my hard work!!!!! (I'm no longer friends with these people)

what it comes down to is, I always feel like my only choice to actually work and possibly afford to survive is to start my own business????? I can't live off my parents forever and part time minimum wage jobs that I could *maybe* get (even if I was rejected from 200 of them in 2 months...) including the one I fo now are so painful, boring, unfulfilling, and/or stressful and not worth it! but no one will hire me for anything better because no experience and you need experience to get experience. or you need a degree and need money to get a degree but need degree to make money. and it's a whole paradox that is impossible for someone like me to get through. I get rejected at every interview for being autistic. i'm burnt out trying. I feel like i'm at a dead end and don't know what i'm supposed to do?

do any other autistic/ND/disabled people feel the same way?

I usually get told to "wait and it will happen one day" but this is life we are talking about!!! life doesnt wait!!!!! i'm not a teen/20s with ~my whole life ahead of me~ i'm getting older fast and have zero openings or paths that I can take alone. I know my disabled limits and it means I can't just make things happen like other people. I can't live independently or get a normal job, etc. I cant wait around forever and hope I get lucky. i've never experienced any luck so I don't believe it will help me. so I put in what work i'm capable off all the time instead of waiting, but see no useful results. I do my best despite what people on the outside see and tell me (I'm so fucking tired of hearing i'm Not Trying, Giving Up Too Easily, Being Too Negative, Refusing To Leave My Confort Zone, Not Believing In Myself and etc. it's NOT true. I don't care if that's how it looks. being disabled is NOT those things!!!! just because normal daily things takes more spoons and energy and effort for me than you, I need more help, and I dont have the ability to physically or mentally do certain things, (which means doing things beyond that is nearly impossible in most cases,) doesn't mean Those Things. no one understands how hard I try, how much I struggle, and how frustrating it is for it to all crash down, never work, and not matter. only very few people in similar situations understand and don't try to push me. I NEED SUPPORT not someone to remind me of how much I fail because I can't meet NT and abled expectations and do things THEIR way!

anyway, I fell into huge rant....is it possible for us to come together and make a ND/disabled-led business and only hire others like us? that would be cool and helpful. if I could start my own business, I want it to be mostly friendly/inclusive/accommodating to ND/disabled people. NTs/ableds have to follow our "rules" for once. a safe business/work space made for us, by us. it would be hard, but so beneficial to those involved 😭

#lee rambles #autistic #actually autistic #autism #adhd #neurodivergent #disabled #i want to move to canada with my closest friends who ACTUALLY WANT ME after visiting this month #theyre trying ti help figure it out but it's so hard when canada wants immigrant workers who can work skilled jobs and have degrees #and a ton of experience already. i am unskilled level 5 (lowest level) worker that does useless shit they dont seem to want 😭 #my dream job there is to open a physical (and online) shop in a tourist mountain town and get tourists to buy all my shit lmao #they open pockets easily so it seems like the best place to open shop and its where my freiends live. in a tourist town. #but how to open and run business and afford it???? 😭 #my biggest dream goal besides living with close comfortable found family is open a autistic/adhd friendly shop #where autistic/adhd and even ither ND and marginalized peoples can come and relax and be in a safe space #also ND friendly work!!! it will be owned and operated mostly by the found family but hire some other NDs/disabled people too! #and try our best to meet their needs and accommodate them and make it a great and fun place to work! its a family instead of a job! #why cant it be that simple tho 😭 #writing this was exhausting and took a cpuple hours so not proofreading and hope it makes sense and not too many typos

[fivestar]

cant wait until me and my boyfriend have our own place so i dont have to deal woth this shot ever again… i cant wait to move the fuck out of this house. theres literally something about the energy of this house that fucks up my mental health by just being here

#txt #negative #/ #id probably feel so much morw productive and happier once i move out too thats the sad part #i really really want tk leave but its just so expensive i know i need to just stay here a couple more years #realistically im not even gonna be able to afford my own space but hey i like to dream #i just cant wait tk finally go home yk?

[6mmad]

you fight and send them to sleep on the couch

(but you get lonely and join him)

lucifer

When was the last time he felt so much dread in his heart?

He's hurt that you'd even suggest such a thing but he doesn't want to argue more, so he stays silent

Lucifer grabs his pillow and goes to the couch without looking back, regretting it embarrassingly quick

He won't admit it, but he can't sleep without being next to you, much less knowing you two fought

He's sitting upright and contemplating until he hears you sneaking around the living room with your blanket

He's a bit flustered at how fast he shot up from his seat to meet you halfway but if you've come to join him then just maybe there's chance to fix things

"Come here, my love. You got lonely? ...I cant say you're the only one. I can't sleep knowing you're upset with me....is that too honest of me?"

mammon

He hates it. Why do you "need space"? He doesn't want space, he wants you!

Grabs his pillow and blanket with a quick "whatever" and scurries out of the room

He's crying, of course he is, but he burrows himself in the couch cushions so that he can stay quiet. What if this is end of your relationship, then what?

Mammon stills when he hears your footsteps, no longer making any movement when he feels you make your way to him

He doesn't move until he feels you slip under his blanket to lay next to him, only them does he peek his head out of the cushions to give you a tight bear hug

"MC, I'm sorry, ok? Im so sorry, let's just.. forget about this. Don't be mad at me anymore..."

levi

Shocked at your request, you're always so patient with him so he knows this is serious

Watches you for a moment to gauge your reaction but when you stand your ground he can't help but tear up

Grabs his stuff and opts to lock himself in his room instead, leaving your room with just an "okay."

Lays in bed and overthinks everything, maybe you were gonna break up with him. Or maybe this is the breakup and you just were being indirect about it or what if-

It takes a few knocks on his door and a small call of "Levi..?" to pull him from his thoughts

Levi recognizes your voice immediately but he feels hesitant to open the door until you properly ask him to please open it

"Please tell me this isn't a breakup, MC"

satan

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't extremely hurt, but he decides to give you space

Gives you a curt nod and let's you stay in his room with all his pillows, goes to the living room empty handed and lays quietly

He decides to just listen to the crackling fireplace to gather his thoughts, not bothering to try with sleep

Keeps sneaking glances at the room to his door, hoping you'll change your mind

To his surprise, his door opens and your eyes meet

"Satan.. I-"

"...Did you get lonely, MC? ..No, I don't care about that stupid argument anymore, it was ridiculous anyway, Just... come here please. I'm sorry"

Refuses to let you go for the rest of the night, worried you'll leave again

asmo

Asmo storms out quickly, he knows it's not like him but he can't stand being looked at with so much heartbreak, especially not from you

Instead of going to the couch he goes to his own room and just cries

He doesn't bother with sleep. He knows he won't be able to so he curls up on his bed instead

It takes him a while to get his composure back but he decides that things can't stay this way, he's not sure what he'll say but you're love is the one he just can't afford to lose

You two bump into each-other in the hallway, him on his way to your room and you to his

You're pulled quickly into his room, of course there's a lot of things you want to say but Asmo just holds you tight, some things being better expressed without words.

beel

"Oh...okay"

Beel wants to discuss more, ask you why you feel the need to push him away but he really doesn't wanna make things worse so he closes the door behind him instead

He sits down in the hallway near your room, you asked him to sleep on the couch but it's too far for his liking, and what if you need him?

Maybe he'd go talk to Belphie but you might not be comfortable with him knowing your relationship problems so he stays put

It's already dusk by the time he nods off to sleep, still sitting

The sounds of your door wake him up and he's surprised to see you looking down at him

"You got lonely?...I was lonely without you too...Please let me back in. Im sorry"

belphie

He looks angry, he looks livid even, but truthfully he's holding back his tears

He wants to say "no" and maybe even confront you for pushing him away but he has half a mind to grab his pillow and leave

He goes to the attic instead, wiping his tears furiously because in all honestly, your pained face was all it took to get his feelings mixed up

Usually he'd sleep quickly, especially in the comfort of his attic bed but he tosses and turns for hours before settling in

Belphie's eyes open groggily and it takes a him a bit of shuffling to realize you're there next to him, holding him tightly in your sleep

"I'm sorry, MC. This whole argument was stupid, I'm so sorry"

He knows you can't hear him in your sleep but he says it regardless, pressing kisses to your head in between

forcefully spoon feeding you angst

#obey me #obey me shall we date #omswd #obey me swd #obey me devildom #shall we date #otome game #om! shall we date #obey me brothers #obey me headcanon #obey me headcanons #obey me x gender neutral reader #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #satan obey me #beelzebub obey me #obey me asmo #belphegor obey me

[lucysarah-c]

Hi! Happy new years eve ✨🥂 hope you had an awesome 2023 and all my best wishes and blessings for 2024 🫶🏼

Now, I can’t get this idea out of my head. Levi adopting a kitten with his girl. I always thought of Levi like a cat person, idk he just seem to fit on it. And as a cat person myself I would love to read something about it.

I can imagine him thinking is a bad idea but then he cant go anywhere in the house without the kitty 🫶🏼 so adorable I guess

Ahhh happy new year!! Thank you for all your well wishes and sending them back to you! I'm sorry it took me this long to write this for you sweetie! T-T so sorry

It started in the least expected way. Levi and his group of friends had been trying to find new ways to spend time together in their difficult adult lives. They wanted to revisit certain activities they used to enjoy in their glory college days and bond a little. You, of course, didn’t complain. If Levi decided to go camping with his friends or hiking on any weekend, it was also a chance for you to hang out with your friends at home, maybe watch a movie he doesn’t like, and have a “me” afternoon. It was all positive until Levi began to notice something during their hangouts.

Dogs.

All of them, particularly Mike and Erwin, had their own respective big, fluffy, loyal-to-death dogs that they would take with them on hikes, jogs, or even camping trips. You could see from the look in your boyfriend's eyes that he was envious. The only reason you and Levi hadn’t adopted any pets before wasn’t because of you in particular. You grew up with pets, loved them, and felt that the house was missing something without a fluffy companion. And don’t get me wrong, Levi had always had a soft spot for animals. But, in his own words, “As a kid, my family could never afford one… and Kenny hated them so.”

When you two moved in together, he didn’t want any pets due to "too much hair, too much mess, and too much money spent on the vet." But now, you could see in his eyes that he desired one, especially when they took pictures with his friends' dogs, and Levi hardly ever took pictures himself. Sooner or later, you brought up the idea, and he seemed excited. You quickly guessed that he wasn’t going to be the one to suggest it since perhaps his pride stopped him from admitting that now all the previous reasons he had given you to say no weren’t that important.

One lazy Saturday, you were walking past the doors of a shelter. Both of you admitted that if you were going to get a pet, it would be a rescue, giving the chance for an animal to live the American dream (two adults with good salaries, a pretty house, and no kids) after someone had made them believe they were trash. Both of you talked to the receptionist, who said that soon she would walk both of you to the dog’s department to choose. But when the guide came back and you were ready to go in and check out the puppies with your boyfriend, he was nowhere to be found.

Quickly, you followed the sound of people talking, and there he was, talking to a vet at the cat’s side of the shelter. The vet seemed to be deeply engrossed in conversation with him as you reached his side.

“Lev? Love, they are waiting to show us the dogs,” you called to him before smiling softly at the vet, acknowledging their presence.

“Oh, I was just telling him that she never gets close to anyone, not even to us. It was almost magical seeing her trying to reach out to him,” the vet said, and you quickly concluded it was the cat that was rubbing the top of her head against the front of her cage, trying to reach Levi.

“Aww, poor thing,” you said as you bent down slightly to have a better look at her face and perhaps give the cat some love through the small space of the bars. But the cat quickly moved away from your touch and softly hissed.

It hurt you, despite knowing that all cats have their temperament, until the vet spoke again, “Oh, she has always been a little grumpy; she’s not a fan of people.”

Levi also bent down to the cat's level, and he seemed to be the chosen one because the cat was continuously bumping her head against the cage, seeking more love from him. “Well, that makes two of us,” he commented, admitting his antisocial tendencies.

“When we found her, we thought she was feral because of the damage from living on the streets and her attitude, but we found she was chipped. We contacted the owner, but he said that since she couldn’t have more kittens, they left her in the streets,” both of you slightly raised to look at the shelter’s owner with heartbroken faces. “She’s been here for a while, but nobody wants her because she’s old, grumpy, and because of all the pregnancies she had, she has FIV, which is an expensive treatment an-”

“I’m taking her,” Levi interrupted the vet without a second thought, and you were about to comment that the plan was to get a dog, nothing against taking the little cat.

“Are you sure? It’s a lot of responsibility, and she’s rather old,” the vet warned.

“I’m sure. What do I have to do to take her home?” Levi replied with confidence.

That’s how Chai Tea, or just Chai, came into your life. She was a grumpy old lady, but you two loved her to death, especially Levi. She seemed to be a golden brownish Persian, which made sense given her breeding history, but one of her ears was damaged from living on the streets, giving her a permanently angry face. The first sign of her enjoying being a spoiled princess was during her first visit to the vet after her adoption, when the instructions were to reduce her food rations because she was already a bit too chubby.

“Shhh, don’t listen to the vet. You’re perfect,” you heard Levi whispering as he rocked her in his arms in the kitchen. “Here, have some ham.”

She was obsessed with him, and he was obsessed with her. Did Levi complain about the hair? A lot, but at least he took the effort to vacuum and brush her himself. In his own words, “If I can make her life worth it for even a little bit at the end of it, then I’ll do it.”

It was endearing to receive a text message from Levi saying "On my way home," and then witness the little fluffy ball rushing down the hallway with her short legs once you tell her "Chai! Daddy is coming home!"

It was incredibly cute how she would meow all the way to the front door, occasionally looking back at you to make sure both of you were going to greet him.

It’s rather funny how he went to a shelter to get a big dog for his "bro's" adventures and came back with a cat that demanded to be picked up and rocked in his arms while he prepared dinner. Even funnier is how he accepted it. Now your camera phone is full of pictures and videos of Levi humming lullabies, sleeping with a cat on top of him, or holding her up in the air so she can hunt a moth.

A little bit jealous? Perhaps. Sometimes, Levi seems more eager to greet the fluffy cat when he gets home than he is to greet you. But being able to give an elderly cat a second chance was a better experience than anything else.

Tags!: @nube55 @justkon @notgoodforlife @nmlkys @humanitys-strongest-bamf @quillinhand @thoreeo @darkstarlight82 @i-literally-cant-with-this @angelofthorr @aomi04 @levisbrat25 @fxnnyackerman @secretmoneybearvoid @s0meb0dy-0nce-t0ld-me @trashblackrainbow @l3visthighs @hum4n-wr3ckag3 @hannieslovebot @feelingsandemotionsnotexplored @flxrartsstuff @starrylevi @rithty @mariaace @ackrmntea @emilyyyy-08 @levisfavoriteteashop @katestrophes @katharinasdiaryy @ackermanswifee Wanna join my tag list? Here!

#levi ackerman #levi #captain levi #levi aot #snk levi #levi x reader #levi x y/n #aot levi #snk levi ackerman #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackeman #levi attack on titan #captain levi ackerman x you #captain levi x reader #captian levi x reader #captain levi ackerman x y/n #captain levi x you #levi shingeki no kyojin #levi x you #aot #attack on titan #snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titans #levi x reader smut #levi ackerman snk #levi ackerman x female!reader #dad levi vibes #dad levi

[fruitsoxs]

I just had a cute idea that I'd like you to write some headcanons for (if you want to of course). For context, I'm pretty sure newspapers have these little sections where people can write messages or post ad-like requests for themselves. I cant remember what its called though.

Pre-canon, Vash and his crush have to separate for a while, but they end up surprising him by sending him little messages through the paper under a pseudonym. And for the sake of convenience let's assume the whole planet has the same news providers lol. Hope I explained this well!

i found out they're called classifieds !

pairings; vash x (GN) reader warnings; none! just fluff notes; ajsk as h this request has been at the back of my mind since i got it. its very cute. it was really hard coming up with a coded message though?? so i only did one. it's also heavily 98 Vash coded

Life on the run with Vash isn’t always fun, and sometimes you can get pretty hurt out there

You happen to get a little injury on your leg, meaning you have to stay still for a while

The problem? Vash has to keep moving. He promises he’ll come back and grab you in a month when you’re supposed to be fully healed

You’re lucky the town doctor owes you two a favor, and the kind old man offers to let you stay with him while Vash is gone

Sadly, this means you have to separated from Vash which …sucks

Over the past little bit the two of you have gotten pretty close, and the idea of being separated really bums you both out. It’s hard for you to get Vash to even leave. He gives you these sad puppy-dog eyes and asks over and over again if you’ll be okay

The doctor ends up kicking him out so he can “get some work done.”

The first day is the hardest day you’ve had in years. You’re down and depressed, won’t eat all of your food.

The doctor, trying to help cheer you up, gives you this idea. He tells you about a section in the newspaper where you can write little requests/ads. Since the newspaper spreads across the entire planet,  it could definitely reach him. 

You know Vash reads the paper, usually with breakfast. It’s a perfect plan

You write out the coded message; “Searching for the elusive mayfly known as love. Been missing my mayfly for about two days now. I hope I can see them again soon. They are the brightest part of my day ” You sign it off with the nickname that Vash calls you

When Vash sees the ad he about passes out.

He’s been miserable ever since he had to leave you. He’s insecure about letting you get hurt , depressed because he’s traveling alone again, and he misses your touch so much. It’s during this little space that he starts realizing how much you really mean to him. 

So he’s all mope as he grabs the morning paper, not expecting to see his own little mantra on the pages. 

He knows it's you immediately. 

He almost cries a bit as the sweet message, his heart beating fast as he thinks about the cute little smile you always wear. You’re the brightest part of his day too. 

He buys the paper everyday that month, looking for any new messages that may appear. 

You send him as many as you can afford, the doctor helping you pay for them. 

Vash cuts out every ad he sees, piling them up and putting them in his pocket where they’re safe. He likes to take them out and read them when he starts missing you

Finally the month starts to come to an end, and you’re able to walk around again

You have so much energy you don’t know what to do with yourself. The doctor starts making you do little chores around his house so you don’t explode. 

You’re actually out in town picking up something for the doctor when you spot that familiar red jacket

You rush towards the man and jump into his arms 

He hugs you back and presses his face into your hair with a grin

The two of you hug for a moment before he takes your hands and thanks you for all the messages you sent

There is no confession, but the relationship has changed. You know this because he holds your hand as you walk back to the doctors place

and in the future if the two of you are ever separated again, you know how to talk to him.

#vash x reader #vash the stampede x reader #vash headcanons #trigun x reader #trigun #requests

[yb-cringe]

alright wybie here's a free ask to talk my ear off about fitpac GO

this is like a trap isnt it ih gos ok yea

the thing that gets me abt fitpac is that its not that deep. and i dont mean that in an insulting way or that their impacts on one another arent expansive and hugely helpful but i mean it in that like. theres no catch. i love spiderbit for their complexity i love fitpac for their simple, slow, love

that by no means is me insinuating its not got its edges though. theyre just. sweet.

i think both of them have a lot of trauma when it comes to imprisonment and just general fear for their lives and while that could be said for a lot of people on the server i think whats important is that they’ve recognized that in each other? or at least fit has from what ive seen

and pac (and mike tbf) need a constant right now. things are crazy people are disappearinf theres no stability but they can always trust that fit will be there and he will listen and more importantly that he SEES them and will defend them

i think my thoughts abt them boil down to ‘pac needs consistency. a solid rock. he needs a recognizable pattern that doesnt change so he can have a safety net’ and ‘fit spent so long in survival he doesnt know how to just Live and he needs someone to be patient with him’

and its not easy for Either of them especially right fucking now. whats happened is that fit is trying to be the solid foundation for a bunch of people and its wearing him thin. and pac is just speedrunning traumas.

god the babysteps thing will forever be imprinted on the back of my eyes tho. like yeah fit needs to go rly fucking slow. hes a traumatized single father and hes fucking cautious about everything. always has been. letting someone into his life and giving them space in his heart is a big fucking deal. he just cannot afford to make that choice lightly. hell even ramón had to be patient for a bit

whats the fuckin saying like. fell first but he fell harder? wheres the ‘he fell first but didnt wanna think about it until he accepted it at which point he fell so fucking hard it would ruin him to lose it’ thats qfit. he literallt cannot even say the words date or romance or love or wven really Like in a romantic context about pac because shit will get too real and he needs to go slow rven if he has to FORCE HIMSELF to move slowly.

gkd i dont even know where to start with pac. he needs consistency so bad. and mike was that- mike IS that. pac is someone who needs company he needs someone to be near especially lately after his whole kidnapping thing where he was alone in that fuckin room after whatever they did to him—

hes been through so much shit and he just needs someone to stay- someone to turn to and know he’s got slmeone on his side. like pac in his own right is sort of paranoid —not the kind of way he has been recently though.

but like if you had to force tazercraft into designations of head and heart, pac would be the mind and mike would be the heart. pac is thinking ahead, he’s trying to force himself to move on because he knows mike wont, he’s trying to avoid doing things too crazy to keep them off the radar— he’s keeping them out of trouble when he can remember to.

not to say hes not chaotic and passionate in his own right but yknow. comparisons. but hes a thinker yjnow he plans for the future and if he doesnt have someone to be his safety net he fucking panics and doesnt do things he wants to because he’s worried about being caught out alone without any support

all of this to say that he doesnt Really think of romance more then Fun because he needs safety nets first. which is also kind of why the moving slow thing works for him because he’s definitely not going to realize how in deep he is like love wise until its too late. and he probablt cant even fuckin risk it right now considering yhh like Everything going on.

#sorry this ended up more as a character analysis and its so messy #i just have a lot of thoughts about them #long story short; gay men with ptsd love each other through recognition of the other and their flaws #and it makes my heart ache #qsmp liveblogging #asks

[popcrone818]

How Could You Know - Luke Morrow Part 6

Part Six      Series Masterlist       Main Masterlist 

picture credit : @saintlopezlov3r 

Luke P.O.V

As I stood on the bus in my uniform reserved for special occasions I thought over whether this was a good idea or not. I watched Callie’s heart break yesterday when Cassie told her, I hated the feeling that gave me but I needed to do this. Not for me, not for Cassie but for Callie. I wouldn’t allow Johno to get to her again.

The bus trip to Cassie’s wasn’t too far from Frankie’s. So I didn’t have a lot of time to try and talk myself out doing this. I looked down at the text Cassie had sent me last night; ‘Callie wont be there, I’m the third floor apartment in The Oceanside apartments.’ Finding the right building I walked along the side before stopping at the bottom of the steps.

‘I’m here.‘

I started down at my phone as I waited for Cassie to come down from her apartment. I heard the door open and close before I lifted my eyes up from my phone.

“No.” I said looking at what she was wearing. We couldn’t get married with her wearing shorts and a crop top.

“What?”

“You cant wear that.” She looked down at what she was wearing while she stayed up by her apartment.

“Why?”

“Because we’re taking wedding photos. You have to dress a certain way.” The more I looked at her the more I didn’t want to do this. She rolled her eyes at me, this has got to be the third time she’s rolled her eyes in less than a minute.

“Really?” I sighed really regretting doing this now.

“No, I’m coming up.” I shook my head and walked up the steps to her apartment. Once I got up to Cassie she turned around to me blocking the entrance to her apartment.

“Theres no fluffy virgin white wedding dress in there, commando.”

“Stop calling me that.” Only Callie can. She turned around and walked to her door. She reached for a broken off doorknob before unlocking her screen door and walking in.

“Make yourself comfortable.” She threw her bag onto a chair as I looked around the apartment. Simple, minimalistic. A home I would be happy to call my own honestly. I knew she didn’t have it all that great either though and could barely afford this place. I noticed a keyboard and a guitar in a sunroom off her bedroom as I looked.

“Do you play?” I asked her as I pointed in the general direction. She stopped sorting through her clothes.

“No, its just to impress guys.” I chuckled nervously. “You impressed?” She chuckled. “I’m a musician, its what I do. My band and I have been working at it for like, five years.”

“That’s gotta be rough.”

“Rough would be punching the clock a some soul sucking job while I’m just making the rich richer. I’d rather hustle for my art any day.” I turned around as I heard hangers being moved in the closet. From the vanity mirror in her room I could see that she had taken off her shirt, her tattoos on full display as she switched out what she was wearing.

“Uh, hi.” She kicked the door to her bedroom door closed as I quietly apologised.

“So what does the tattoo say? ‘Socialism now’?” She laughs, she has a good laugh.

“You’re really clever. No it says ‘no arriesgues nada, no ganes nada’.”

“Someone, something …” I never learnt Spanish, Callie and I would always skip that class.

“Risk nothing, gain nothing. It’s something my grandma said to my mom when she moved to America.” I felt myself smile, even though she couldn’t see it. I heard the bedroom door creak open and turned around. “Hello, my prince.” She stood in a white dress, not the kind of dress I would have thought would be appropriate for a wedding, but it didn’t really matter. This wasn’t a real marriage anyway. “Today is the day that our credit scores shall be intertwined.” I nodded and followed her out of the apartment, this time more pleased with her wardrobe choice than before.

When we got out of the car at city hall I was thankful to be out of that cramped space with Cassie. The silence was deafening.

“You know you really look the part now.” I tried breaking the silence as we walked up to the front door that seemed like it was getting bigger and bigger. Almost big enough to swallow me.

“What does that mean?”

“You look pretty.” I played with the buckle on my belt as I said it. She did look pretty, I just wish I would have been waiting for someone at the end of an isle instead of doing this here, with the wrong girl.

As we walked in other couples were exclaiming excitedly, this was the best days of their lives, and I felt like this was a death sentence. I saw Frankie sitting in his formal attire. Same as me, he was twirling his hat in his hands as he waited. I followed behind Cassie as she reached out to hug Frankie.

“Hi. Thank you for coming.”

“Of course.”

“Oh, did you get rings?” Cassie looked at me as I stared forward. I had a ring, a ring I kept with me all the time, one I’ve had since I was a teenager. I didn’t want to use that one and I looked at Frankie.

“Yeah, I did.” I pulled the ring off my tags and handed it to Cassie to inspect.

“This was supposed to be for Callie, wasn’t it?” She asked me as she held the delicate piece of jewellery in her fingers. I nodded abashedly. “No, Luke, I cant accept this one. I’ll get another one while your away.” She tried to push it back into my hands when our names were called. I shook my head and walked in, Cassie falling into step beside me cursing under her breath.

“We are gathered here today to join you two together in lawful matrimony.” We stood in front of the podium, Frankie behind us holding his phone up capturing the entire ordeal. Not something I really wanted to have documented, but we needed to make this look as real and normal as possible. “And your witness today?”

“Frankie.” Cassie said as she turned slightly to point at him. He turned the camera around to show his face. I don’t know who was going to see this but I really hoped no one would.

“Luke Morrow, do you pledge to love this woman, to be true and loyal to her, and to comfort and keep her in sickness and in health?” I swallowed thickly. No.

“I do.”

“Cassandra Salazar, do you pledge to love this man, to be true and loyal to him, and to comfort and keep him in sickness and in health?” She glanced at me. I looked down at her. Her brown eyes breaking away to shine green. I blinked quickly, ridding myself of those thoughts.

“I do.”

“By the power vested in me by the great state of California,” I placed the ring on Cassie’s finger tears welling up in my eyes that I blinked away as quickly as they came. Cassie placing the ring on my finger. “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Cassie and I looked at each other stunned. We really did this. “You may kiss the bride.”

taglist @feitanett​ @creative25e​ @desire333​ @fangirlfree​ @annahargrove​ @hades-ghost​

#luke morrow imagines #luke morrow #luke morow x reader #luke morrow x you #luke morrow x oc #purple hearts

[lexa-griffins]

Clarke is the stereotypical bad girl in school while Lexa is the over achieving nerd. Clarke's parents hire Lexa to be her tutor so Clarke can pass her classes and finally graduate this year

Lexa is so frustrated at Clarke because she never pays attention during her tutoring sessions. She's too distracted and can never focus.

Although her classmates may think Lexa is an angel, she's actually very kinky and slutty. Lexa decides to use sex to incentivize Clarke to study

It actually works

Lexa isn't the biggest believer in seeing the best in people. Why should she find excuses for people who want to show nothing more than their worst selves?

That's exactly what she feels like with Clarke. She is not tutoring her out of the goodness of her heart or because she believes deep down Clarke is a good soul with a brave heart. No. Clarke is a wannabe bad girl who does little more than smoke behind the school, skips classes like she isn't two years behind, and pretends like the world is all about what she wants. All Lexa is here for is the Griffin's paycheck, who seem to hold to the strong belief that their daughter will be able to graduate anytime in the next decade, and while Lexa would disagree, she needs to show up every weekend while they are away on some business trip to tutor their very uninterested daughter in a room that reeks of weed.

And right now, as Lexa tries to explain to her once again the themes of the novel they were assigned, she teuly fails to see any good in Clarke. She's sighing with boredom, making sly comments about everything Lexa tells her, Lexa can tell their belief is oh so very misplaced.

"Clarke, did you hear what I just said?"

Clarke is spaced out, staring somewhere in Lexa's direction but clearly not looking at her.

"Hm? Oh, no."

Lexa closes her eyes for a second, trying not to pop the vein her head at repeating herself for the fourth time. As she starts to repeat herself, focusing on Clarke's face, she realizes where her attention lies.

"Are you staring at my tits?"

Without a drop of shame, Clarke smirks, "Yup. They are much more interesting than whatever it is you are talking about. Did you know they jiggle slightly when you shake your leg in anger at me?"

Immediately, Lexa freezes the leg she's been bouncing nonstop in anger for a good half an hour now.

"You are so gross."

"And you are entirely too hot to be this fucking boring."

Lexa shots up from where she's sitting, putting distance between herself and Clarke, "Urgh. You are just- fucking impossible."

"Well, I dont give a single shit about any of this. Never have. And I doubt you'll change my opinion on it."

Lexa bites her lip as she tries to contain her anger. She can not afford to lose this gig. If the Griffin's realize Clarke is making no improvements they'll try and find someone better and she cant fucking afford to that. They pay too well for such a simple job.

As Clarke lies in bed, unbothered by the red in Lexa's face or the silence in the room, Lexa's mind finds what might be a risky, but perfect solution for her troubles.

She steps towards the bed without hesitation, throwing her legs around Clarke's waist and sitting on her lap with confidence. She bites back a smile as she watches Clarke’s eyes grow bigger at the sudden boldness of the move, her mouth opened in shock.

She tries to rouch Lexa's hips but Lexa quickly slaps them away.

"How about this? I ride you and if you get the answers right I'll let you cum." Lexa states nonchalantly, pretending the thought of it doesn't excite her, pretending the sudden hardness she feels againt her crotch from Clarke's own pants doesn't make her shiver.

Clarke smirks at the thought, hand once again trying to find Lexa's skin, "Damn Woods, I never thought you-"

Lexa pushes the hand away, more aggressively this time around, "I need this fucking job and for me to keep it you need to learn. If this will make you at least pay attention, Im willing to do it. But dont think Im doing it because I've been secretly dreaming of fucking you."

"Maybe not me, but I think you've been dreaming of something like this for a while now."

Lexa feels her breathing shake when Clarke's hand touches her thigh, "I have not."

"Oh, c'mon Lexa. I'm not as stupid as i may seem. No one jumps into the riding a dick train just to keep a side gig."

"Fine. I get to ride dick and keep my job. Seems like a good deal to me, happy?"

"And what exactly do I get from this?"

Lexa is feeling herself getting wetter by the minute and Clarke's parents should be home in about an hour. She really doesnt have time for Clarke's stupid games.

"Good grades, a quick fuck and your parents off your ass?

Clarke seems to think about this for a second before making a face, "Doesn't seem like enough of a motivator."

Fuck this girl. Lexa finds herself slowly grinding on Clarke's clothed boner, somwthing the girl underneathher seems unbothered by, "what more could you possibly want Clarke?"

She wastes no time in geabbing a handful of Lexa's ass and squeezing it through her jeans, "If i pass the class I get to fuck your ass."

Lexa stops her movements, scrunching her face at the suggestion, pretending the idea didn't just get her wetter, "You are un fucking believable. Fuck that, forget I even suggested it, good luck finding someone else to tutor you!" Lexa exclaims as she moves away from Clarke with difficulty, her core wanting nothing more than to continue her grinding.

A hand grabbing her arm stops her, "Hey! Okay, okay. Forget that." Clarke pulls her in top of her once again and this time their faces are inches apart, "i accept the deal."

Lexa nods solemnly. She reaches her notebook and opens it next to them. She makes quick work of both of their pants, faking complete calmness when Clarke's boner jumps out and nearly hits her face, sliding the condom around Clarke's dick with expertise. Shes dripping at this point and she lowers herself onto Clarke's dick with ease. There is a smirk on her face when she sees the bliss in Clarke's face by being buried inside of her.

Lexa starts moving, slowly, back and forth. "Clarke?"

"Y-yeah?"

"What are the main themes of the novel"

"What?"

Lexa stops her movements completely, earning her a desperate groan from Clarke. "What are the main themes of the novel? There are three."

"Hm..."

"Id you get them right, I'll ride you faster. If not, I'll continue the slow pace"

Immediately, Lexa sees the wheels turn inside Clarke's brain "Death hm.... Famine and Family?

It seems she found a way to get to Clarke. She moves faster without warning and almost immediately Clarke moans, glad to have gotten it right.

They continue the game until Clarke manages to answer as many questions as Lexa is comfortable asking before she herself finds the urge to cum is too much.

As Clarke answers the final question, Lexa rides her hard and fast, letting control go out the window, allowing Clarle to grip her ass and gride her dick deeper inside, cumming deep inside Lexa.

"Fuck." Clarke chuckles as she comes down from her high, "thats ine way to learn useless shit."

"I accept your condition."

"My condition?"

"If you pass I'll let you fuck my ass. But. You need to get an A, not just pass. I dont work with under achievers. "

Clarke smiles genuinely this time and Lexa feels her heart skip a beat at the warmth in her face. Its gone the moment Clarke's smile turns into a smirk, "That good?"

"You are so gross."

The sessions repeat, twice a week. The results are clear as day with each quiz, Clarke's parents impressed at the improvement, so much so they start paying for more lessons, payment Lexa takes gladly.

And with each excellent new mark, the closer they get to the payment of their agreement, with Clarke so mucj as biting Lexa's ass as she gets dressed, a whispered "you're nearly mine" that makes Lexa roll her eyes and pretend the bite didn't set something off in her.

Lexa is really hopes Clarke gets that A.

#letter opened #majblue3907 #wanheda's dagger #so many words and theres no that much smut 🤣 #clarke should be 19 and Lexa 18!

[yuukei-yikes]

also sorry for sending two asks in a row but i wanted to put this one in its own separate ask but its slightly related to the prev kdmm ask i sent.

anyways kano comes over to kdmm's apartment like maybe once a week to get breakfast since kido's cooking slaps + he likes bothering kido. they live in the same apartment complex unfortunately so kdmm can't really escape this freak. he comes over, pets one of the cats, gets a plate, has some chit chat, then leaves. kido says theyre gonna kick him out next time he comes over but they never do. deep down they miss cooking for their siblings but they're not gonna just Say that to him

NO WAIT KANO LIVING IN THE SAME COMPLEXXXXX!!!! GENIUS kano also has a bunch of cats cant convince me otherwise i think he goes to kidomomo apartment and drops cat toys or catnip or steals some cat food like Omg im running out!!! kano is so cat obsessed i think he'd foster a lotta cats too

i think he'd walk in totally unsolicited he doesn't knock he has his own keys. he probably even comes over while there's no one home and goes through the fridge. he would be in there like carpet. i can imagine him texting kido like whats for dinner tonight im on my way (coming down the stairs)

also kido missing cooking for their brothers🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 awww kido would bring food to them i know so. theyre the kind to make a shit ton of food then give it to everyone and then also yell at everyone to give back their glass tupperwares

AWWW IM SO OBSESSED WITH KIDOMOMO AND KANO BEING NEIGHBORS AS ADULTS NOW i have such specific ideas of where everyone lives.... my mind is expanding..... u didn't ask but ratio kano lives with his cats + kidomomo live together (with hibiya if he's still in hs) AND ARE NOW NEIGHBORS WITH KANO + if hibiya isnt in hs he's roomies with hiyori while they're both in college and he has a part time job to afford it while hiyori is Rich (not necessarily dating i imagine them as just besties) + seto and mary are building their own house together and live in basically huge WIP + haruka and takane in some nerdy ass apartment but also i kinda like the idea of them moving into takane's old house later on and live with her grandma cuz shes old and they take care of her + shintaro has his own apartment that's literally any Male living space picture. hes rich for selling silly tunes to commercials but acts all sad about it bc God how could his heartfelt lyrics be taken off so the melody can be used in some detergent commercial.. fist clench... + ayano lives alone. at the tateyama house. AND SHE'S SO SAD ABOUT IT (until she starts adopting❤️❤️❤️)(and if she ever gets with shintaro his ass moves in too ig)

erm anyways sorry for that last part that was weird. mekadan ❤️

#ask tag #headcanons

[tears-of-boredom]

have eaten fuck all today. if I didnt fucking hate doing shit in this household id make myself brownies. but it feels so awful to bake when you know that you're hogging up space that someone else might need. and the sink is kinda full so id feel so fucking horrible if i didnt wash all the dishes and shit i used for baking. I fucking hate this house. and its getting late so id feel bad for making noise as well. I fucking hate it here. because all of these things i dont want to do are because i myself fucking hate it when someone else does it. fucking hate it when the counters are full of shit. hate it when theres easily washable dishes in the sink. hate it when people are being noisy in the house at fucking 22. hate it when they fucking leave any light on, because every fucking light in this house is bright as shit. I don't fucking get how blind these two are to need a light to see as soon as the sun isnt shining right into the room.

i swear that there was some positive post or something i saw recently that i thought really helped me stay calm in these situations, but i dont remember anything like that now. oh my god I hate living with people. it should be a fucking crime to force someone to live with other people for this long. if I had the option to move into my own place right now, you would have to pay me a lot of fucking money to get me to not go. like genuinely my price for staying here, if i had the option, would be at least a million euros. and at that point i could afford to move onto my own anyway, without having to worry much about anything. so its not like id stay even at that point. and if you said that I couldnt use the money to move out,,. tbh whats the time limit. how long do i have to stay here for the money. if its 2 years id probably take 10 mil. but if I had to live here forever, there is literally no amount that would get me to stay. like genuinely you could give me enough money to fucking end climate change and i wouldnt fucking do it. btw isnt that fucked up how rich people could legit just stop climate change but they just dont want to. controversial opinion but we should feed them to whales. wait hold on. why cant we just shoot all the oil into space? like all the fucking oil barons are like "ooh we need to get it out of the ground cuz were cleaning nature" which is bullshit and all, but why cant the famously space obsessed rich people just send the oil to space if its polluting the earth so much. its not like they fucking care about the milkyway getting polluted. what if we made a hole into the ozone layer again and just shot all the greenhouse gases out of it? i mean not literally all of them cuz earth would freeze over but you know, all the surplus. and why not get rid of some extra while we're at it, make the earth cold but still livable. or maybe just cool. i mean the drastic change in temperature would fuck up everything for a while but thats just natural selection doing its thing. maybe we can push all the billionaires into like florida or something, so the natural disasters are more likely to kill them. convince them that theres a bunch of oil there. wait no cuz the fuckers dont live where they make money do they. cuz they dont wanna live in the horrible conditions they're making people go through to exploit them.

anyway what was this post about? like,, me hating my family or something.

#complaining

[russilton]

Hi, I hope this isn't weird, but as I see this kind of discourse from one of my favourite author I just wanted to check in if that's a kind of thing you're dealing with too. Without any judgement to anyone. Is it really that important to you guys that we leave comments? Aren't kudos enough? And do you agree that writers have to answer to comments?

It’s alright anon I figured I might get a message like this and I do appreciate having the chance to share my piece because I utterly agree with Susi on every part.

Something that’s worth understanding is I do not have a single artist or writer friend who doesn’t face this issue. Every single one one them, without fail, puts their heart on the line to create and share fan work, and all of them, myself included, struggle with a lack of response. Every gif maker, writer, artist, edit crafter, web weaver, all of them live for the positive comments we receive, the praise. I don’t know a creative without a praise kink, frankly.

This has been true for every fandom I’ve been in since I started posting art online in 2011, and fic in 2017, but it is ESPECIALLY present in F1 RPF because the space is so small, and usually people are so used to clinging to anonymity that the space feels even smaller.

Long discussion under the cut, because I wanted to try and honestly explain the mental process behind why authors and artists ask for a comment.

Speaking from my own experience now (that I’d still put money on being a similar experience for others), posting work of any kind online is a bargain. Yes you do it for yourself in part, but if it was just for myself I wouldn’t post it. When you post, you make the mental deal of “am I willing to accept potential hate or disinterest in this, for the chance to receive love and praise on it”. If you’ve been here a while you’ve seen the anons I’ve received at times; transphobic, homophobic, or just plain hateful. Some were too hateful to even post. I have had an Instagram page make a collage of my art just to laugh at it. But I keep posting, because for me, the joy and community I receive from comments and tags on my work make it worth that bargain. There’s some work that isn’t worth the potential backlash to post. That’s why any of the nsfw art I draw never leaves my close mutuals. I’m not willing to share it online when the result of it would pale against the risk.

Creative work is a deeply personal and heart baring process. It cannot be done easily some days. Yes it’s fun and funny and entertaining at times, but most times when I’m writing, I end up stood utterly alone in my own mind with myself. I cant write if I’m too depressed, because that experience of being alone with myself is too painful. Even on a good day it can be hard. So when I choose to go to that place, remain alone to pour my mind into something I write or draw, it is an exhausting labour of love. It takes hours, I’m not a fast worker, some people are faster than me, some are even slower. I’m alone for all of it.

And so when you put that all together. The work, the creative process, the editing, the cleaning, the preparing for posting, the process of tagging and sorting work so it’ll be seen, then self promoting… the least we can ask for in return is a comment?

You have to understand, kudos or likes are great, but it’s a hand sticking out of the void and giving you a thumbs up. It’s silent, faceless, impression-less. Imagine sending your family a deeply personal message and the response you get is just “👍”. Yeah it’s technically a response, but it’s disproportionate to the Labour afforded beforehand. People posting online are seeking a human connection, that little snap of closeness all human beings through history have craved. A kudos doesn’t really satisfy that craving. I would rather get 20 kudos on fic, but every single one has a comment, than 1000 silent ones. It’s just a number, it takes half a second to press that button and move on. It makes you feel like a cheap commodity that’s consumed and spat out, and that doesn’t even speak for the shame of a thousand eyes looking at your work and saying nothing at all.

When you comment or leave a tag, it shows me you took a second to absorb what I’ve showed you. It slowed you down, made you pause or take a breath, it DID something to you, just like it did something to me to make it. That’s a connection, that snap of a bond. Myself and that commenter now share something, and usually it’s a simple act of gratitude that you see all the work I’ve done to give you something, even if the comment is just “I really liked this!thank you for writing it”. It’s a paltry amount of work compared to what happened to get us there. But I feel less alone for just a little while, just like that fic did for you.

I understand that is still hard to do on occasion. You may be tired, you may feel over exposed or sick, but again you have to remember how hard that creative worked to give you something. On tumblr at least you can still reblog without a comment and increase the chance of someone else doing so. Ao3 doesn’t have that. Even when people filter by kudos they still have to be looking to read something with those tags. It doesn’t do much for the author who is sat faced with numbers. Their work made you feel, think, or just escape your own mind, by commenting, you are giving them the chance to have a moment of the same.

I have a screenshot folder full of comments that have made my day. It’s packed with the words that kept me going, when I doubted I could write at all, when I wondered if my art was good enough. They make a meaningful impact on my life the way I hope my work does for others.

And then you have to understand how… ungrateful it seems, to have people go “well you don’t reply fast enough, so I’m not going to comment.” I understand we all want that connection again, of a reply, and that’s why most authors TRY to do so!

But that author or artist has spent hours creating something for you, they have emotionally laboured and worked and bared themselves, asked you just to say something as your payment, and then you have asked to be paid for that honour? That’s like going into a store, paying for something, and then going “because you didn’t give me an extra gift for paying rather than stealing, I shall simply steal it in future”. That’s kind of insane right? Especially when the work you receive was hand made with love by the person sat in front of you.

I don’t know a single creative person on f1blr I haven’t seen go “I don’t know if posting this is worth it”. And that should worry people. If you come online and devour content without return, you are going to see people stop posting and walk away. I’ve seen it happen over and over and over. This isn’t the hungry hungry caterpillar, you aren’t 5, you don’t get to have your cake and eat it too if you don’t pay the baker who made it. In this case nobody in fandom has the incentive of making a living to continue. I can’t buy things for myself with comments. We don’t get paid. Instead they’re just going to stop sharing and return to only giving cake to people who respond. I’ve got art and fic I wrote only for my friends, because I wanted a reaction and giving it to them was a sure fire way to get it, because I trusted them.

If it becomes more effort to post than it does the return, I simply just won’t. I owe nothing to a faceless void, and so said void should try being less faceless. That’s all people are asking for.

#asks #anonymous #Mark’s fic tag #mark’s art tag #wank/rants #wow long post #reblogs fine #cause some people need to learn

[bringmoresorrows]

Life Update

It's been a long time since I posted a life update. Lots of new things has happened in my life especially since i haven't updated in a year. Last year, I got myself into a situationship with this guy I became really close to really quickly and broke up with my ex of 4 years. We were dating from 2018-2022. Wow. A lot of things happened between my ex and I thankfully nothing traumatizing between us but we were falling out of love a year before the break up. As it got closer and closer to the end, I felt nothing to my ex. I was sick of how my ex constantly made me feel guilty for being myself. Plus my ex was transphobic and homophobic. Theres reasons for it as she came out as trans after we broke up. She never wanted to go out on dates with me, we stayed in the house and she didn't want to get to know my friend until like the week before we broke up. We had an apartment for a week and a half last April because the landlord said it was okay that we had the ferret then last minute they pulled back saying "nah get rid of the ferret" so we left. But it took a lot of me arguing with her for her to stand up to the landlord as my name wasn't on the lease, her name was. After that, anything i felt towards her was gone. I moved in with my parents in July and that was when my situationship with my friend started.

My heart was broken around September/October and I quickly moved onto someone new. But in between, I had no place to live aside form my parents couch and all my stuff was in storage. I even lost my ferret. My ex kept her. I got promoted to manager at my workplace and got a 2% pay increase which landed me at $20/hr where I was working 34-36 hrs a week and towards the holiday season after working 40-42 hrs a week. So I was bringing home a lot of money and had zero bills. I started building up my savings and come October, I moved in with two of my friends.

October was an interesting month last year, we had no furniture and we couldn't afford anything as we just dumped our savings into this place. It's a three bedroom apartment with 1.5 bathrooms. We have an in house washer and dryer and a dishwasher. It was awesome! We have so much space. The friend group kept making plans at my place and a few things led to another and that situationship friend and I broke things off. Mid october, I started talking to this guy over instagram. And we started hitting it off a lot. Turns out, my guy roommate and him are *best friends* so for our halloween party, he came on over! He lives a few boroughs away so its a 3 hour travel to his place and a 3 hour travel to mine. So 6 hrs total. So he came over the 30th and left November 1st. I got so drunk on the 31st and stuff happened between us before we were dating which is kinda another first for me as we just met in person for the first time. But the first time I did stuff with someone I wasn't dating was the situationship.

Come november, we start dating. Our relationship has been a bit rocky as we jumped into a new relationship and I was very much still hurt over the situationship and didn't want to admit it til a few months back. Plus living on my own has only amped up my mental health issues. I started my ed habits back up hard and lost 20 lbs in 2 months. I gained half of that back but its been hard.

January comes around and my ex tells me she cant house our ferret anymore so I was given the ferret <3. Bless.

February comes and my ferret gets very sick, throwing up for three days straight so we take her to the emergency vet and it helped her out a bunch <3

March comes and my mental health takes a worse turn.

April I have zero memories, In may my birthday happens. It was awesome! The friend group and I plus my bf + my sister go mini golfing! June nothing isolated. July: my internet friend from norway comes to visit and wow did it hit the roof. One thing led to another and they guilt trip me hard and gaslight me into thinking *i'm the crazy one* and I wind up having a severe mental break down where I attempted suicide. I also left the friend group. A day later my boyfriend calls me and gives me an ultimatum and tells me really harsh things to me which led me to crying for days and crying through a whole work shift (8 hours)

August comes and my depression is so severe, I wind up reaching out to a therapist and my pcp to start medication. Ella, my ferret, also has some more health issues showing up. Her tail has been losing fur for some time and her ears are getting backed up with ear wax. She wound up getting diagnosed with Adrenal Gland Disease. ;-;.

September; this month; comes around and therapy has been working and so has the meds. My relationship with my partner is getting a lot better and Ella is doing good too. She got her implant for Adrenal Disease this month. I've just been really tired ngl. Like very tired. But my house is getting decorated for halloween and its great!

Things are going really well for me and the people I used to miss I dont miss anymore. They didn't want me in their life then so be it. That's their problems. There was someone I named dropped a long time ago but I dont miss you anymore. You left my life and made it clear you never gave a fuck about me and only yourself. Goodbye to you. And to the other friends that bridges were burned, fuck it. I let go of it. I need to focus on myself and grow.

Next year around this time I will be moving in with my boyfriend and away from this borough where everyone knows each other. It will be rough to be in a more city based area. Its still a bit suburban but its very much on top of each other. I'm excited for it. I'm excited for the future that I'm going to have. I'm excited for the future with out the things that are holding me back.

#kj talks

[georgiapeach30513]

„I’d take you anywhere you want to go, Songbird. I cant wait to hear you sing” -> did Raiden take Burde anywhere she wanted to go ? 😏😏

Oh!! Raiden and Birdie Mae are the sweetest little things.  They did exclusively date in high school, but Birdie Mae isn’t as experienced as Raiden.  She is taking things at a snail space, and he’s okay with that.  Fable went to NYU and sweet Birdie is navigating school life without her partner in crime, and also the one that would speak for her.  This will be a good experience for Birdie Mae, and we know Raiden would never let anything happen to her

🖤🖤🖤🖤

A Cheesy Chick Flick

Summary:  Birdie Mae is questioning her relationship

Pairings:  Raiden X Birdie Mae

Rating:  mild

Warnings:  language, a bit of bullying, talks about sex, 18+ ONLY

Word Count:  550

Desperate Lives AU Masterlist

Raiden Baizen Masterlist

Birdie Mae walks into her art class ready to showcase her newest work when she hears the quiet murmuring behind her. Keeping her head in front of her, but her eyes sting with tears.

“She’s only with him for his money.”

“I heard she’s baby trapped him. He got a full scholarship and didn’t need it. Wonder if that’s how she was able to afford this school.”

Unable to take anymore she turns around glaring at the two girls, “He would never give you the time of day because you’re disgusting. Raiden is the nicest and most generous person I’ve ever met. And my parents paid for my tuition,” without another word she leaves her piece before running out of the classroom.

Irritated that no matter what, it’s always these stupid accusations about her and Raiden. Unable to stand out on her own merit because he overshadows her.

“Hey. Hey,” Raiden comes up to her, catching her trembling body in his own large one. “Birdie what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing doesn’t make your eyes this red. What’s wrong?” he watches her a few minutes wishing she would just tell him something when she looks away.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?”

“This. Us. You and me. It’s always…”

“What happened?” Birdie Mae shakes her head no, and he pulls her chin up to him. “Let me fix it.”

“You can’t fix everything just because of your last name.”

“It has nothing to do with my last name, and everything to do about some making my girlfriend cry. And clearly it’s enough to think that we…Birdie don’t do this. Please, I…I finally have you in my life, and I can’t lose you.”

“We were kids.”

“My feelings have never changed. I tried. I tried a lot. Keisha, Avani, Fleur, Taylor, Taraj…”

“I get it,” Birdie Mae rolls her eyes. “You’re…they had a piece of you that I haven’t. And…Raiden, I-I…”

“You have a piece of me that no one ever will. And that’s this right here, Burd-Dee,” he taps on his chest and gives her a look over. “If you want sex, all you gotta do is ask.”

“Raiden,” Birdie Mae sighs, pushing her head against his chest. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“You’re huge.”

“Yeah, so I’ve been told,” she gives him a little swat to his back, still not lifting her head up to look at him. “Birdie, I’ll wait forever for you. You’re more than a lay.”

“That’s what we should be doing. And…I did not baby trap you.”

Raiden pulls her up to him, and she naturally wraps her legs around him. “How can you baby trap me if you’re a virgin? That’s what got you upset? Stupid jealous girls? They’re just mad that I have no desire to date them. It’s only ever been you.”

“And I’m not after your money.”

“I know. You’re after me because of my piercing blue eyes, long hair, fat ass, broad shoulders, and skinny waist.”

Birdie gives him a little giggle, moving forward to kiss on his nose, “You figured me out.”

“Sweet Birdie Mae gonna corrupt this sweet Baizen boy.”

“Raiden?” he raises his eyebrows looking at her seriously. “Can I stay the night at your place? Your apartment is bigger than my dorm.”

“Is that all you want?”

“I don’t know.”

“Fine, we’ll watch a cheesy chick flick, get to making out, and you tell me how far you wanna go?” she nods her head and he starts carrying her back to the room. “Now, I gotta see this new piece of yours.”

Masterlist

#desperate lives #desperate lives au #desperate verse #da au #dau #da au ask #raiden baizen #birdie mae adler #raiden x birdie #raiden x birdie mae

[userastarion]

chia, sage and aloe vera! 💕

chia - what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

my siblings & i started saying “that’s what they said when you were born” about random stuff (ex. “why is it so weird and squishy” “that’s what they said when you were born”) and now my entire family uses it. so much so that my mom had shirts made in 2021. and also i forget that it’s only within my family and i have come close to using it with friends too many times

sage - what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

i want to say music bc music is so deeply ingrained in me and i will cry at music when i find it beautiful. but honestly i think my answer is poetry. nothing punches me in the gut in the same way as a good poem or poetic prose. when those words hit, they hit so specifically and deeply and those are the moments i find most inspiring.

aloe vera - what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

living alone ahflahflsjfld like im 26, i live in i think the most expensive county in the country, and i only work part time so i cant afford to move out right now. but i live with both my parents, both my siblings, and my grandpa. i just need my own goddamn space. i’m so ready.

get-to-know-me asks! send one?

#mitali!!!! thank u for sending!!! #crossing my fingers to move out of state next year but we’ll see #b:answered #mutual:mitali #eohwyyn

[ihateeverything101]

my feelings change a lot but, i don't like him. thinking about being without him scares me but i have to face it. i cant afford this world in my own but i don't want to hop into someone else's life. i could move back to OH but that's not what i want, i enjoy and appreciate having my family close but it is a double edged sword. i don't want my dad close and i love CO but it is more expensive to live.

i wish my partner cared about me. i'm sure if i said that to him he would protest and say, i DO care about you!! he does nice things but i'm forgotten. we don't talk. i don't know him truly and i don't think he knows me. we say the nice-a-ties (idk how to spell) in the morning or through messages but to me it seems fake and i want more. when we msged i wish we could talk about funny things or i don't have a specific topic, but, more in depth than how we talk now. we say i miss you and talk about what we are having for dinner and not much longer until the shift is over!! but it's all surface level, i feel like i'm a checkbox only to be checked then forgotten.

im being dramatic but i honestly don't think so. ya my partner would describe it differently, but does that make me wrong? i feel like a an afterthought. who knows what he is actually thinking but. when he talks to me it is about an objective or task, why did you do it this way, what should we do for dinner? not necessarily bad or wrong questions but sometimes he interrupts me to say these questions, that is when it feels the most rude. i feel like i am constantly failing a test i didn't know i was taking. he's also said to me flat out that things are pass or fail. i'm sure he was talking about something specifically but it makes me discouraged bc that is his attitude, if anything is wrong it is a fail.

after breaking up with Steff we had to change around furniture and living situations. i used to have my own office and we slept in the same room, now my office is in the basement with all of his things and she sleeps separately. this is fine but i don't have any personal space, he is in the basement all the time bc that is his room basically, the bedroom doesn't have anything except for a bed and couch, so good for relaxing but not much else. sometimes he gets upset with me or for whatever reason i have to be in the bedroom, it's ok but i hate being kicked out of spaces. i wish i could exsist (i'm a lil drunk and always a bad speller. i'm going to take more shots after this bc fuck him) why do i have to move around constantly, carrying my things in a backpack like i'm partially homeless / room less. i don't get to pick where i go or what i do.

obviously i do have that choice but it doesn't feel like it. my computer is in the basement so i cant play games or watch anything on a big screen.

grrr grr grrr but also mwah. mwah. mwah. unlock kiss on my hubby!! hehe what would you let me do to you.. and what would i let you do to me rn??? heh being silly and confusing but having fun talking to you in this way. i'm happy i have this with you even though i wish it was different

[kayleejadexo]

I want to think I am fine but I'm honestly not.

Awhile ago I use to live with my narcissist of a mother with my children. How I ended up back home with my kids is a story for another time. I decided I had to figure out something in order to make more money and still get the help I needed with my kids. So I decided to move my dad into my own place. My dad is great with the kids with a few minor adjustments on how he "parents"... being a boomer I have had to really bring a few things to his attention the second I see them before they get to a point of no return. But the other side to this is that my dad has suffered several strokes and is soon to be classified as disabled on paper. So I am not only caring for my 2 kids on my own with no help from their fathers and now my own father who is worse condition than he originally made me to believe.

Bottom line I feel like I am constantly put into these caregiving/caretaker roles that I dont want to be in...

As a young kid my mom made it clear that if I misbehaved I was responsible for her crying, her "suffering". I had to be a good kid for my mom and take care of my youngest brother, even naming me "second mom".

As a teenager I learned the more I give to a man the more love Ill receive. I would give, give, give to the point of exhaustion mentally, physically, emotionally and I would still be heart broken at the end of it all.

As a young adult, around the time I was in my first very serious relationship with my 1st child's dad, I provided everything, food, roof, needs, meals, gifts, financial security, secure home for his other children you name it.. I was abused in every way and had to start over with my 1st child in the middle of the pandemic when she was an infant.

Fast forward to now... At almost 30 years old, serving tables because I haven't had a chance or the proper help to truly focus on a career, a path...

I found affordable daycare, started working days still couldn't save enough while living rent free with my mom because serving during the day is not enough nowadays. I finally set out to get my own place and my dad needs shelter and a safe space for his own health.

Serving tables while caretaking for 3 and myself was not on my life bingo card. I am exhausted. I am not fine. I want for once, even if its temporary at this point to be taken care of... for once. I cant even say I miss it because I have never truly had it.

I see women my age getting married, enganged, with supportive partners, healthy co parenting, buying houses (while I had to short sell mine), traveling the world, elevating in their careers...sometimes doing and achieving all those things I listed in a single year. They all have one things in common...support...financially, mentally, emotionally... they have all around support.

For once... I'd like some... a sliver of support.