#i cant do anything abt the graphics

[puppyeared]

i have to say its a strange experience taking classes on branding and marketing while being vehemently anticapitalist and scorning the economic system

#i shit you not ill be in class and theyre talking abt how to make brands memorable and use words to describe their tone and feel #and at the same time i see starbucks endorsing genocide and greedflation and AI techbros scheming us into extinction #its extremely fucking dystopian. and its even worse when u have teachers telling u to use chatGPT and midjourney for #placeholder text and images. like damn. this is really the industry im going into huh #i feel complicit doing this because i want to pursue graphic design but its chilling to see ppl get really worked up abt branding #do u not feel used?? doesnt it feel like youre giving a faceless entity a mask to gloss over the ugly parts?? cuz i do #i get excited at the design and UX aspect of things like how people think and how design and user interfaces are planned around how #we think and act. but when the endgoal becomes marketing or doing it for companies it just feels like a waste #like i think this is what bill watterson meant when he didnt want calvin and hobbes to be commercialized #i dont want to do anything else unless it comes to that like i change my career path somewhere down the line. but fuck dude #im just gonna keep using unsplash and lorem ipsum as much as i can because i sure as hell dont wanna add to the problem if i cant solve it #yapping #vent

[claitea]

porygonhd by @startistdoodles, a few doodles complete with gen 5 styled sprites!

#pokemon #porygon #clai's art #maybe i went a lil overboard but i just Really liked this concept haha #i actually have always been a little annoyed the porygon line ended at z yknow? #like dont get me wrong i love the whole porygon line but it was cool how porygon seemed to develop along with the games #so while it makes sense to stop since its a full three-pokemon evo line. why stop at a Glitched version? #i was looking at the porygon lines' bulbapedia pages while drawing this out of curiosity #and porygon-z's smash bros trophies suggest a patch was on the way. but that never happened :( #also fun thing to note is that porygon seems to have been made purely to poke fun at people lmao #bulbapedia says people told satoshi tajiri it was too late to make a game boy game and he should make games with 3d polygonal graphics #so instead he made porygon. which is techincally polygons as they told him but still in sprite form lmaooo #but does that not make right now and even better time to make an actual split-evo for porygon2? #since pokemon switched to full 3d ages ago why not commemorate that with a fixed up final porygon evo? #anyway thats my porygon rant haha #porygonhd is Such a perfect concept i would do anything to have this in a real game #EDIT: //DANG// THE SECOND AFTER I POSTED THIS I READ THE ASK ABT HOW HD CANT OPEN ITS WINGS HAJGHVDHGD #ah well. its cute here isnt it

[gibbearish]

kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right? #like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right? #and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

[blue-matches-my-eyes-you-prick]

What the fuck is WRONG with people nowadays???? I wanna hit that dude with so many baseball bats it's incredible

#tw animal death #and #vent #in the tags sorry but i just need to grt this out it was so fucking horrific and i cried the entire way home #some fucking asshole saw a family of geese crossing the road and SPED UP TO HIT THEM WHAT THE FUCK #trying not to be graphic but it was so fucking bad and i cant even talk to my dad abt it bc hes like grow up we cant do anything abt it now #WE JUST WATCHED 3 BABY ANIMALS AND ONE OF THEIR PARENTS GO UNDERNEATH/OVER A TIRE AND EXPLODE AND YOURE GONNA TELL ME TO STOP CRYING??? #the fucker was LAUGHING i cant STAND pieces of shit like him #couldnt even get my dad to pull over god im so pissed #delete later #i dont want to live in a world where people kill animals on purpose for kicks #HE WAS FULLY ABLE TO SLOW DOWN AND OTHERS DID BUT NO HE HAD TO SPEED UP

[lost-in-reveriie]

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ hi!! welcome to my mess of a blog

⤷ basic info:

my name is addy ⁞ she/her ⁞ minor ⁞ queer ⁞ huge swiftie ⁞ intp ⁞ aries ⁞ bookworm ⁞ music lover ⁞ folklore and evermore stan ⁞ theater kid ⁞ introvert (but cant shut up if im comfortable)

(images are from this moodboard by @hyltaylor)

(and this post is heavily inspired by @stvrlighhttt <;3)

₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ fandoms

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

⤷ books:

marauders era/harry potter (fck jkr) ⁞ folk of air ⁞ grishaverse ⁞ osemanverse ⁞ the hunger games ⁞ gggtm ⁞ inheritance games ⁞ truly devious ⁞ the secret history ⁞ the lunar chronicles ⁞ song of achilles ⁞ seven husbands of evelyn hugo ⁞ rwrb ⁞ arc of scythe ⁞ the selection ⁞ they both die at the end ⁞ percy jackson ⁞ i kissed shara wheeler (probably more im forgetting)

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

⤷ movies/tv

good omens ⁞ bridgerton ⁞ scream ⁞ wednesday ⁞ umbrella academy ⁞ stranger things ⁞ b99 ⁞ friends ⁞ little women ⁞ dead poets society ⁞ 2000s movies ⁞ she-ra ⁞ spiderverse ⁞ cmbyn ⁞ ianowt ⁞ ever after high (my childhood) ⁞ perks of a being a wall flower ⁞ barbie ⁞ (probably more im forgetting)

⤷ music

taylor swift ⁞ olivia rodrigo ⁞ gracie abrams ⁞ conan gray ⁞ phoebe bridgers ⁞ lana del rey ⁞ boygenius ⁞ hozier ⁞ arctic monkeys ⁞ maisie peters ⁞ renee rapp ⁞ mitski ⁞ clairo ⁞ beabadoobee ⁞ sabrina carpenter ⁞ lorde ⁞ the neighborhood ⁞ sufjan stevens ⁞ harry styles ⁞ men i trust ⁞ tv girl ⁞ maya hawke ⁞ frank ocean ⁞ cigarettes after sex ⁞ domanic fike ⁞ MARINA ⁞ (many more, my music taste is all over the place)

⤷ other

» sturniolo fan ⁞ mild coffee addict ⁞ chocolate lover ⁞ cat lover (i have one cat and a dog)

» i love musicals!! namely RTC, six, wicked, and beetlejuice (no, im not really a hamilton fan)

» i play guitar and cello, but i love guitar way more and have been playing for around 7 years! (maybe?)

» im really awkward and if i take a long time to respond to smth its because im thinking abt what to say (and im not online much)

» always feel free to vent to me, and you can ask me anything and talk to my any time. don’t be afraid to reach out!! :))

» thanks for reading my intro post!

➤ dni: homophobes, transphobes, racists, ableists, misogynists, sexists, etc., and "sugar daddies" (been getting a lot of those recently), or anyone else who want to do some "stuff" with me, please fuck off

dividers by @saradika-graphics

#intro #pinned post #intro post #addy talks <3 #Spotify

[gu1lty-as-sin]

juno’s 270 follower celebration

hiii omg this is insane!! i cant believe there are 100 more of you within like a month?? i am so grateful to every one of you, i never thought that people would like me this much?? i hope we all have a wonderful 2024!!

intro post

edit: tysm for the requests everyone!! i love doing them all for you <33 if i don't get to them immediately im very sorry, if you see me online/posting im usually on my phone and i prefer to do the requests on my laptop, so i promise i will get to your request eventually!!!! ily

simulation swarm - ill make you a moodboard (can be based off of you, an emoji, vibe, or anything)

all we know - ill make you a playlist (can be based off of you, an emoji, vibe, or anything)

your best american girl - ill tell you a song, album and artist that reminds me of you

play destroy - ill write a little paragraph on things i associate you with 

sadness as a gift - ill make you a small drawing/sketch of a character or person

vampire empire - ill shuffle my music and give you my favourite lyric from that song

lust for life - i design you an outfit using pinterest

lovers rock - i design you a room using pinterest

thats what you get - i guess what you look like based on your vibes

margaret - i give you advice for an issue you have

gibson girl - ill plan my dream holiday id go on with you (mutuals only)

anti-curse - i do a simplified celtic cross tarot reading for you (mutuals only)

17250 - i make you a (relatively small) pinterest board (can be based off of you, an emoji, vibe or anything) (mutuals only)

rules 

followers and mutuals only

please send these via an ask!! it makes things easier for me :)

end date is february 29th

as i go back to school early feb it might take a little bit for me to respond, but i will get to your request eventually!!

max of two per ask!! but there’s no limit to how many you can do in total

i might not know the character you want me to draw/make a playlist or moodboard of, in that case ill let you know and you can request something different :)

have fun!! and thank you again for this &lt;333

inspired by @svnflowermoon and @dandelions-fly-in-summer-skies ahaha i basically just stole most of these from you two sorryyy &lt;333

beautiful dividers by @chachachannah and @saradika-graphics

mutuals!! sorry if i missed you :(( lmk you want to be added or removed from this list!! @zzzzzzzzzee @dandelions-fly-in-summer-skies @literatureisdying @tellme-o-muse @recklessandyoung @crowgenius @imswimmingback @strawberryloveyyy @syzygy-yzygy @svnflowermoon @ineedibuprofen @august-taylors-version @a-portal-to-nowhere @qwerty-keysmash @judeisthedude @wastedonthesebutterflies @skeelly @trying-to-be-cool-abt-it @bookscorpion73 @mandythedino @personifiedgoldenretriever @notatypicalhumanatall @isitoversnowtvs @stopurlosingme @evermore-4-life @aaalixaf @evazlana @giveuthemo0n @leaskisses444 @justalunaticfangirl

#juno's 270 celebration #<- everything to do with this celebration will be tagged!! #intro post #<- you can find my intro post here #juno.txt #asks #beautiful mutuals #them tag <33 #anon #tag game #ask bait #spotify #<- nav tags!! check out my intro post to see what they mean :)

[insect-library]

Intro!!🦇

🍬Basic info!!:

Name: bugg/moth.

Pronouns: he/they

Other: i have autism, i am queer, im not gonna post strictly fanfic on here, but thats gonna be my main focus!!^^

🍫interests/ fandoms ill write for!!:

Helluverse

Scott pilgrim

Bojack horseman

Basically every CN cartoon!!

Scooby doo

Mlp

Spooky month

Metal family

Psychocuties

🍓Will write:

Fluff (pleasepleasepleasssee luv fluff pleassdeeee request this)

Angst

Romantic ships

Platonic ships

X reader

Headcanons

🍎wont write!!:

Nsfw

Anything romantic including >16 y/o characters

Anything too graphic

💔other info!

I'll write for just abt anything sfw, although some stuff i just cant do bc i dont know enough abt it, or i cant find inspo within it.

Ill write small stories and headcanons, probably wont do larger stories for requests unless i feel super interested in it!!

🥀other blogs!

Main: @literallynamedaftercavetown

Emoji blog: @mothz-emojiz

❌️Dni:

Nsfw, anyone who sexualizes agere, pedos, etc

#beginner writer #fanfic #sfw agere #sfw fanfic #angel dust #hazbin hotel #huskerdust #husker #writing #x reader #x reader fanfic #oneshots #spooky month #candybats #streber #kevin #pearl #steven universe #sfw #requests open

[beautiful-boy-bracket]

so the thing abt taako is tht when the mcelroys went to make the graphic novels they wanted non-white representation and considered making taako hispanic/latino bc that is how a lot of fans interpreted him. but then they kinda got backed into a corner with like. this characters name is taako. its taco. they dont want someone with no context of taz/taz fans to pick up the graphic novel and see a brown character named taco. so they went for green skin, not aware of the antisemitic history, and people pointed out that 1. green skin is antisemitic overall 2. justin played taako (with literally no connection to any stereotypes bc when the actual podcast was airing they said that fans could design the characters in any way) as a guy who liked gold and liked to steal. so they did not give him green skin. the first graphic novels design is more on the green side but the most recent one hes far more blue. this is not an excuse for the mcelroys/carey pietsch !! i just think more context is needed

...well i wasnt really prepared to think about "the canon art of the character accidentally ended up being antisemitic" when deciding to run a prettyboy tournament. i cant do anything about his image in the poll of round one, but if he moves on to round two, i will think about & will be taking suggestions as to what i can do re: image to represent him

[cherryatombomb]

requests: do's and don't's

i've been getting a few more requests over the past few days (which is a-okay keep 'em coming :]]) and i thought id just make a list of what im willing to write!!

ships: soap/ghost, alejandro/rodolfo, gaz/alex, farah/alex. also willing to write keegan/logan from cod: ghosts!

i dont just write ship content! im content writing found family dynamic with the 141 and such, i think thatd be super fun to explore, so if you have any ideas, id be more than happy to do so :]

firm no's: i won't be writing anything like s/a, nor will i be writing suicide or self-harm. these are immediate no's, requests will be deleted if requesting these. i wont write major character death, either, or hurt no comfort - i just cant do that haha. i wont write cheating, either, or anything "illegal" (in the sense of things involving minors - requests will be deleted on sight if you request anything like this).

depending on vibe: i will end up writing stuff that falls under here, it will just depend on mood! things like graphic depictions of violence, hurt/comfort that teeters on the hurt over comfort, things like torture scenes, etc

yes, absolutely: i love a good romcom style idea, so if you have anything like this, im more then happy too! hurt/comfort with a focus on the comfort, fluff, i love aus so much as they have so much potential!!

i will most likely be updating this later, so keep an eye on it if you want!! im open to messages to talk abt cod, or talkin thru asks! if you have anything that doesnt fall on this list, feel free to simply ask if id be up for writing it - the worst id say is no!

[wolftattoo]

23 + 27?

23.do you wear jewelry? yes! i have the following piercings that i wear 24/7: nostril, septum, 1st (stretched to abt a 3g?) and 2nd lobes, helix, and snake bites. i also regularly accessorise with bracelets and necklaces and on occasion rings. i love accessory.

27.what’s your favorite or go-to outfit? this is hard because i love wearing new stuff. usually a longsleeve or ripped fishnet top + graphic tee and jeans combo with my rainbow sneakers if i cant think of anything to wear tho

#thank u !!

[schwarzeneggr]

slowly voicing my concerns abt being handicapped and iv been treated with nothing but understanding. Everyone keeps tellin me to get on benefits lol cause we are SO lucky to have social security and access to meds and such its just... I already have a handicapped status which I am ashamed of. Anything further paperwork wise is just a valid on INK confirmation that the me from less than 5 years old is dead. That in 5 years I have become. a fucking handicapped bitch !!! Thats litteraly what I am. There are things about me that are wrong. And I have to make do. Great. Fucking great. I used to dream about matching my peers and becoming a wonderful animation student and then master. And I'm learning that my dreams were in vain. That I had no chance to follow up in the first place. That their improvements are constant and exponential but mine take 5x more time. And the worse is that they always did. So I always did 5x the work because i REALLY wanted to be fucking good. I wanted to be Louie Zong man. But I no longer have the energy. If i socialize for more than 5 hours one day I need an entire day break from that. I need immediate silence after idk. overusing my ears or something. I cant look in the eyes anymore im in kaput mode. Meanwhile people my age have an entire portfolio, have worked on multiple projects that have been available online, have build up experience, edited graphic novels .... What the fuck. All I have is yaoi. 🫥 there isnt a word to describe how pathetic i feel. I am dust on their boots. If I cant physically follow then why do I still have the same ambitions ? Why cant i fucking give up the desire to become GOOD. not iust GOOD but like NOTEWORTHY GOOD. Wat am i looking for but the love i have lacked while growing up. Its so annoying. wats the point dude. let go. i am average. not even noteworthy bad. just not noteworthy. and 11 y old me is just looking down at me

#i am having ok days #but as soon as i have a passing thought yhat i try to write #it becomes something terribly depressive #sometimes i have tears in my eyes bc im making realisations while typing !! #this journaling thing is kind of reassuring. indont know #not #like ill ever reread any of my posts #but i have been hurting for like 4 excruciating horribly injust years #and its finally coming out #and i have been gravely impacted by these years. #iv always had a MAKE A TONS OF EFFORTS mentality that gave me the energy to attempt to apply to my dream school for 5 consecutivr years #i #never gave up. i got in. bipolar disorder fell #on me and i got kicked out #and i keep thinking abt this all the time. abt how different my life woulda been if bipolar disorder didnt decide to trigger THIS fucking #specific year #or if i was diagnoaed BEFORE i got kicked out #its all been downhill ever since that time #ive beem dramatically fallin up a mountain and hitting rocks in my fall and im still falling #but i no longer have any evergy. and that is the worst of it. i dont have it in me to fight anymore #ive lost my only quality which was a stubborn desire to be good #im empty

[salaciousslut]

Youre making me blush 🫣 now i gotta get strong enough to lift up a full grown adult its only right ☺️ and good! Im glad its not too cold!! Tho it sucks you cant get all dolled up in your winter clothes :( where im at we dont have much humidity so its been real cold for those born and raised here (i have been freezing tbh)

You have no clue how needy that made me, please bite me and leave marks everywhere holy fuck <3 and jesus christ youre so precious, like i feel a bit evil for the things i wanna do to you 🥺

Well! I hate to say it but if i get you drunk enough to pass out I'll still force my strap in you. But don't worry on missing out, you'll get a video of it anyways 🥰 I'll make sure you'll see how nice my cock looks in your pussy <33 only thing that sucks is that i cant cum in your pretty passed out body and i want to so fucking badly 🫣

Im also a floor person!!! Its actually so smart that you have a lil nook for yourself, like im jealous i didnt have that idea 😭 do u name your stuffed animals?? I wanna know bc I do >:3

I love that crocheting has become stress relief for you!! I like when creative outlets are also emotional ones like that makes me happy. You got a practical skill that also helps you out i am looking at you with love in my eyes and admiration in my heart 🥰

Tbh my favorite part of the day was getting back home, my job is literally so boring!! As for my intrests im a huge dork tbh. I love video games and Hades is my favorite game at the moment. Im also a huge animation buff, i love anything animated from short films on youtube to anime to fucking BoJack Horseman (i love that show, and u can kill me for that). And i also have strange interests like theology, religion is just so interesting to me. Oh and last lil fun fact abt me that i can think of: I almost went to college to double major in psychology and comp sci.

nooooo let me keep you warm then!!! im like w lil toaster oven with how warm i get. some come over!!! but i feel you! im not meant for the cold.

i loveeee evil!! i support evil!! i love being a chew toy and repaying the gift!!

ughhhhh please i would watch that video over and over again!!! plus i wanna watch it with u hehehe!!and we can try hard babe because its gonna happen, we gonna get u to cum in me dont worry. scientists will figure it out. ill figure it out!!

come to my nook then hehehe!! i can fit one more person!! and no i dont name them. im sooo baf with names so i just stick to their official government names. but now i wanna know the names of your stuffed animals!!

omg what if i told u i loveeeee watching other people play video games?? its literally my fav pass time and i just really like all the graphics without actually having to put in effort to try and win. so i feel like that goes hand in hand with animation right?? idk i just love visuals sm but i love that u love them!

omg sooo cool! religion is such an interesting topic so i would totally listen to u with heart eyes too!!

hehe i love psych!!! i have a psych minor and those were some of my fav classes!! i wanna teach u about them now

#ci answers #butch my beloved

[ao3feed-undertale1]

A small mistake or perhaps a blessing in disguise?

read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/52912774 by Cross_sans20 Killer gets accidentally killed and Lunar finds himself filling that role, Not knowing what he got himself into until he cant distinguish himself from Killer and basically just becomes him entirely. (Lunar is a dragon like oc, He is also another skeleton.) Lunar stood near the pile of dust, Sighing. “...Shit. I killed them... that's kinda funny, killing the killer. Or is the right word ironic?.. Both would work.. Maybe.” he did know the proper word to be honest, he was never really into word play in school. To be fair, he never was into anything in school. Words: 1618, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Series: Part 1 of Lunar's weird adventures Fandoms: Undertale (Video Game) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death Categories: Multi, Other Relationships: Bad Sans Poly Additional Tags: Xtale Sans | Cross (Undertale), Killer Sans (Undertale) - Freeform, Dreamtale Nightmare Sans (Undertale), Horrortale Sans (Undertale), Bad Sanses | Nightmare's Gang (Undertale), Character Death, Disrespect of the dead, Lunar's just rude tbh, kinda dragons?, Everyone Is Gay, i mean its a fanon bad sans fic ofc, Secret Identity, Kinda?, Lunar steals killers identity kinda, Shapeshifting, Hate Sex, kinda not hate sex but its later in the chapters, when lunars identity is revealed i mean, Weird Plot Shit, everyone is fanon, Nightmare is suspicious the entire time, Dusttale Sans (Undertale), everyone knows somethings up but dont know what, Panic Attacks, Mental Breakdown, (later chapters ofc), view point shifts alot, you'll get used to it, the creator writes this during school so that says something-, Lunar doesnt know how to react to them being nice and worried abt him, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, Killer/lunar is very emotional, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Scars, No beta read we die like genp read it on AO3 at https://archiveofourown.org/works/52912774

#ao3feed #ao3undertalefeed #fanfic #undertale #undertale-fanfic

[soundscapesystem]

tw graphic, abuse, animal death, CSA

today im thinking abt how like. two of my biggest triggers are things that ppl immidiately take in bad faith when i say they bother me. cant say snakes are a trigger without getting "oh but theyre so nice and kind! theyre such good pets! look at their cute little faces!" like yes thats great logically i know that but when i was five entire years old a grown man told me he could talk to them and used that to keep me from telling anyone that he was raping me. hunting and men in camo are also huge triggers but i cant tell anyone i dislike hunting/hunters/dont want anything to do with it without being seen as some wilting flower liberal who just doesnt get why people hunt or where meat comes from like yes i know i was raised in an area where people hunted all the time in fact i have visceral memories of one of the Other men who raped me carrying a dead dear out of the woods during a friends birthday party and proceeding to cut it open in front of us all and everyone else saw it as ooh neat cool! but i became a vegatarian for years after that because i had more in common w that dead deer than any of the other kids because we were both hurt by that same man and he never said it but i fully believed at that point if he could do that to a deer he could do it to me and i remember all the deer heads in his house and i hate them now literally anything to do w hunting upsets me because i immidiately regress to being like seven years old in my best friends backyard just as it was almost dark and watching these men bring that dead animal out and cutting it open in front of me and the feeling of being the smallest most helpless creature on the earth just waiting for one of them to carry me out of there next and slit my neck open so everyone could ooh and aww at me

like i am just. i am begging ppl to just accept that someone is upset by something. not everyone needs u to convince them that their fear or dislike is unfounded. you have no idea what that imagery means to that person. just keep it to urself.

#kai speaks #i think man idk #dave speaks #also yeag #i just wanna bite attack claw maim everyone who makes assumptions abt ppls triggers

[irl]

i was gonna nix the trauma tonight cos i didnt feel like it but ig im in a silly goofy mood cos here we are anyway 🤪

anyway like truly heed the tw cos idk this ine might get graphic idk man ill try to remember to tag for it but dam dude it may jus go unt lol soz. silly goofy mood 🥴

***trauma dumping

like. ik that all the shit today couldve been prevented if i just. blocked her number. she doesnt have any way to contact me, she doesnt use social media. but i cant

i dont know why i really dont. is it masochism? do i secretly like it every time she texts? do i enjoy the adrenaline rush? i dont fucking know. i feel afraid of her. im not constantly afraid. yea she still affects my daily life but like, shes not On My Mind yknow. but god

when i went to florida last december i was constantly shitting bricks. afraid that she was alrwady back. cos i knew she was supposed to be going back. i was so afraid id see her. till i found oht the night before i left that she still was in missouri. i felt so much relief. wxcept it still wasnt all gone, the fear and anxiety. some small part of me kept buzzing the rest of the night and the next day that id see her, that shed see me. that shed sink her claws in me again and ibwouldnt be able to get away this time

when i told her i was planning on leaving she started. really financially abusing me. more than she already had. i tried to get a part time job that i ended up also being able to get her one too. we were just sign holders. i got to watch netflix for six hours and get paid 25$ an hour for it. it wasnt bad.

every time i got paid shed ask for money and she also stopped paying for gas and for food. she demanded half of my check for “rent” or whatever despite the original “agreement” that she got me under was that id live rent free.

when i got my tax return which was around $700, she took all of it, wasting most of my money on uber eats and shit. saying she was going to pay me back but never did and would get mad if i tried to stand up to it.

my stimulus check went the same way, except i was able to spend a little of that on myself before she decided she wanted jt all and i couldnt even put anything towards savings to leave.

looking back. it shouldve been obvious. i was mad abt it yea but i didnt see it as a form of financial abuse. she had me wearing very thick rose colored glasses

she had me constantly high. if not constantly than as often as she could. she had me drive while i was high guilting me w the fact she couldnt drive, period. she would smoke out of a bong while u was driving past police officers on purpose for the thrill. i hadnt rly ever smoked much because of her

she found me hollowed out by my ex who had taken almost everything from me, including all sense of self. i wasnt allowed to have a self outside of him. he disapproved of everything i did if he didnt like it. im sure i did shit that really fucked him up too tho. i have no idea but like. this was my severely untreated and inflated bpd time. i has no coping methods and so while i was suseptible to trauma and manipulation or whateva i was also like. a horrible person lmao. idk much abt that me cos yknow 🥴amnesia🥴 lol but what i do remember, i dont like.

but i still got fucked up by him. she found me a couple months after he broke up with me and i was left just a completely hollow husk of a person with nothing driving me.

id never rly smoked weed much tbh. i lived in colorado before and after The Great Legalization and i only smoked weed once then. i got crossfaded with a group of friends and a handle of fireball then we went and watched the first deadpool movie in theaters lol

the second

HOL D ON LMAO INTERMISSION COS I GENUINELY WANT TO FUCKING CRITY NOW LMAO LMAO LAMON AMLMAO FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK C UVJ FUCK I TOLD MY FRIEND ABT A SLEIGH BELLS CONCERT AND ASKED HER IF WE COULD GO TOGTHER AND SHE SAID LET ME THINK ABOUT IT AND SHE KNOWS SLEIGH BELLS IS MY FAVORITE FUCKING BAND AND I

SHE JUST TEXTED ME LMAO LMAO LMAO SHE ASKED ME FOR THE DATES AGAIN AND I WAS LIKE OHOHO? serves me right for hoping for smth dependent on someone not me. i shouldve learned this fhckinnglesson forever ago LOLOL every time i get hope in something that depends on someone else its alwahs fucking. crhshed. i dont hope for things dependent on other people unless its literally guaranteed like my moms guilt money lol. whatever. its fine “sorry you. cant come wjth me and [redacted] we are going with family frowny face emoji”. like. okay

im not mad at her. genuinely i hope she has fun. but fuck dide. u couldntve fucming. googled it. yourself and then simply not told me ur plans and be like soz boo cant make it. i wouldve rather the fucking. lie. i let my hopes get up. i didnt take anything out on her ofc like id never do that cos like. Yeah. Im Upset. Yeah. Im Angry. but i know im mostly just angry at the situation, not exactly at her. yeah i wouldve apprecisted more tact bht like. at the end of the day its fine. i probably wouldntve been able to afford it

i loved sleigh bells since i was like. a freshman or sophomore. i found them with young legends on some wally west playlist on 8tracks. i was like hm interesting. then somewhere i heard crown on the ground abd my brain started to brr. after that it was a rabbit hole and now ive been to like. three sleigh bells concerts and my favorite most cherished memory ever is from a sleigh bells concert and ibalso got the setlist from that same concert and ive got all but their latest two albums on cd and vinyl and

at my second concert, we were in a basement bar show in aspen colorado. the opening act was tunde olaniran. id never seen or heard him berore. but oh my god it was love at first sight. this man is Drop Dead Gorgeous. he has the voice of an angel. he deserves the world. and then sleigh bells

god dereks guitar is so harsh and whiney but so fucking powerful and rhythmic. i love his guitar i love his hands

alexis. alexis krauss is my One. i would do anything she asked. shes. god. i was up against the stage, there were no barriers. i was singing and dancing along to every song she sang with all of my energy all of my might just thouroughly experiencing the night

the first time id seen sleigh bells i did so at a festival and i got high for the second time bcos some dude wire wrapping crystal at a booth offered me some hits off of his blunt lol. and so i spent the whole First Time Seeing My Favorite Band And The Whole Reason I Came To Riot Fest high off of my ass and behind my phone videoing and taking pictures. i remember basically none of it lmao

exceptnfor jonas but hes a topic for later. dw hes cool.

so i decided i was going to do my damndest to remember this concert and i wasnt gonna use my phone at all. and that was the Correct choice. sure i dont remember it all, this is deep in the times that i Dont Remember but ive clung to this memory with gnashing teeth and claws.

they were performing minnie from their album bitter rivals. during one of the “minnie minnie, go count your pennies” lines alexis got right up to my face, stooping down close. just far enough for the microphone to be comfortable. her hair cascading around us. for just a split moment, it was just me and her in the world. no one else mattered.

she ripped back up when the line was over and i remember once she got to “window pain, the pain!” i did a deep drop, just fully going feral for a moment.

it was the best concert of my life. she handed me the set list at the end.

anyway i love sleigh bells hi

intermission over ig lmao

that also, incidentally, included the second time i got high so there u go. the third was with my ex fiances uncle. kinda boring. then i met tisa when i moved to florida and after we broke up but still lived together. she also offered me coke once but i declined her lmao. one of the hard stop drugs

after that it was all the hippie. she very quickly (like within a couple weeks knowing her) put in the dynamic of “big sister little brother” and started placing herself in a caretaker role regardless of what i said. after a bit i relented and let it happen. and she started getting me high. very quickly, cos i was still untreated unregulated bpd bitch, the unhealthy dynamic was solidified and the infatuation and fixation began because i was very vulnerable and she was placing herself in the role of protector cause thats what i craved.

she apparently did this a few times before. i saw the end of her previous one with a woman named sarah. she talked about a couple others. i dont remember them clearly.

she talked about herself a lot. she trauma dumped constantly. and i was just expected to listen. she told me horrible horrible things thatd apparently happened to her. i still cant tell if she was telling the truth. and id just have to listen to it.

if it was true she had a habit of bringing it her way it felt like. it might get graphic soon

animal gore hg stuff idk um doubt anyones reading anywau im just gonna write

one time her sons cat got out. this was at the first place we lived with the trailer. her sons cat got out. or maybe it happened in the trailer. i. we found him. i dont know. i only just. unlocked this memory tonight. but god it was so awful and disgusting.

somehow he got a gnarly cut on one of his paws. and cats use a litter box and all. and she never cleaned it. and it got infected so a gnarly cut turned into a necrotic painful oozing wound.

i dont even know how it happened. or how long hed been like that. he was her cat and he rarely ever came around to me anyway.

she pissed away $15k on bullshit. so much so that upon finding this she decided she couldnt afford a vet. shed deal with it herself. with my assistance ofc cos she couldnt do it alone.

my task was to hold this poor cat still, wrapped tight in a blanket to keep him from hurting us or himself. as she cut away at his paw pad with a pair of cuticle scissors.

im going to vomit

there was so much blood. he was in so much pain. the wound was so bad. the blood was so dark. then it was bright. i dont know why. i didnt expect him to have bright red blood. the only time you see an animals blood is dried dark rust on pavement. but here he was. bleeding like a human. bright red

its teally hard. walking through this memory. i have a migraine building. im fighting twars. this is physically painful. i

it took so long. i felt like we were there for hours. we were probably only there for 30 minutes to an hour. but that long is infinity when youre watching this. she poured something on his foot. it was supposed to steralize it. it was some dark liquid that stained his white foot bright yellow. she wrapped his foot in gauze and put a sock on it. every few days unwrapping to go at the foot again a little bit. squeezing more and more awful puss shit out.

eventually it healed. she decided shed do it herself. with my help of course bcos how could she ever do this alone

i guess im done for now. im physically shaking. im out of weed. its almost midnight and i open tomorrow. and most importantly, my phones dying. the stars aligned i should sleep

i wish she would forget about me so i could forget about her

#txt #journal #yeah #uh #yea #anyway sleigh bells intermission in this one i love sleigh bls #theyre my fuckjng favorite band #alexis kr4uss if ur out there….