Well, it’s not really just about being skinny. That’s what it started with, the ‘trying to get healthier and loose weight’. And just the toxic and unhealthy things that’s been feed to our brains since we were little kids doesn’t help. How the word ‘fat’ is associated with something bad and ‘not being beautiful’, and ‘skinny’ is ‘everyone’s life goal’. There’s literally so many things to say about this and so many examples I could give, that I don’t even know what to say or how to word myself. I’m just tired of the world. Tired of people. Tired of how I’m sitting with a feeling that I’ll never be good enough, because the standards that are set is just not possible to reach. I’m tired of the expectations, the ugly looks, how mean people can be etc. I just hate the world we’re living in. The world are dying. We are dying. I just find this place so dark and miserable, and I feel like we focus on all the wrong things.
Anyway.. doing this thing where I’m restricting is kinda giving me some sort of control. And just how I’ve never felt good enough and that I’ve always felt the need to change myself. I guess that took control. Because I obviously didn’t go in to this thinking ‘I want to cry over food and nearly pass out because I don’t eat’, or ‘I want to eat until I’m in so much pain it feels like I’m dying’. Food has been a way for me to gain control or to feel something else than the feelings I feel inside of me. I’ve eaten to comfort myself and to regulate my feelings. I’ve stopped eating to harm myself, to feel better, look better, become someone else. Someone that’s unrecognizable and better. Someone that others maybe would accept and like better. Someone people wouldn’t use and/or leave. Food has been a comfort, a friend, but also my worst enemy. It’s been a way for me to control something when everything else feels so chaotic and when everything else has been going wrong. But it’s also been something that’s taken control over me. Both binging and restricting. It’s honestly a living hell, just ed itself. But I can’t leave it. I can’t just snap out of it. It feels like I’m both trapped and that it’s me that’s in charge. That ‘I have it under control’, but do I really? I cry before every meal. Because I need to eat, because I’m hungry, because I don’t want to eat, because I’m ugly, because I can’t eat what I really want, and hundreds of other reasons. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I just tried getting some of my thoughts out, but I honestly feel like this was a mess lol. Anyway, I hope you all are safe! Xx
*sniffles* do you guys think that when langa asked his mom if it was gonna be sunny the next day it meant that reki would eventually come back to him and they can finally reconcile in his own way *sobs* cause if so... *wails*
I’m so tired. Tired of thinking about food at all times. Tired of wanting to die and tired of that being my normal when it shouldn’t have to be like that. I’m tired of crying every single day. Tired of being exhausted to the point where I struggle to just stand up. I’m tired of feeling this pain, this monster, eating me up from the inside. I’m tired of thinking that this is what I deserve. I’m tired of hating myself. Tired of getting mad about everything, yelling at the people I love because I’m in so much pain. I’m tired of getting lost in my mind and not being able to put what I feel and think into words for others to understand. I’m tired of not getting enough help and for not being taken seriously. I’m tired of being a people pleaser and I’m tired of being anxious at all times. I’m tired of the way I think, look and talk about myself. I’m tired of who I am and how I’m never enough. I’m tired of everything. Tired of fighting, tired of holding on for everyone else but me. I’m tired of being tired. I’m just so fucking tired.