#i cant even soeak | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kusundei · 2 days

Text

chat somethitb baf is happening.

no bcuz i had tbaf feeling this mornjng a little. i assumed it was me recovering from what i had said last night and grieving slightly but as the hours pass im slowly getting mire and more scared. i feel. sick.

i just i pdnt know god forbid the shower isnt helping. i think its the hot water its makinf it hard ti breathe but i know i wont have a panic attack no more how hard id wish it jnto existance. god how i wish i cohld have them still but im doomed to recovery even if it makes me more ill. im shaking and the water is boiling but i fesl cold. my throat is closing in on itself and j cant breathjkiuhwe? and i just feel so. so. torn? confused? doomed?

i. just. theres so much going in i think and god let it be the homework looming over me or the threat of the job or just home or eli and kira or god ajax. let jt be any but not all at once i am sick

i just i feel os. so. so. so. ? i cnatn even explain it i feel too mich right now and i cant pinpoint what im feelifn exaclty im jsut i cant

the most horrible bit abo this is that eight now like ysual im thinking about her. shes pipped into my mi today and she wont leave me alone and its been looming ovee me more than usual i just i dont know ehat is happening i feel strange nad insecure and i want to have a panica ttaxk so fuckinf abd but i cant because i hate when it just sticks okto me i feel sick

i genuinely cant im jjst so. fucking. i dokt knowni just i keep thinking about everything for no reason and its freakinf menkht and god forbif i just i .? i??, i want ajax so bad right njow?,? do nkt miscontrue my words i hhst i want to tely on someone and i want to let myself be vulnerable and i want to cry and i want someone to hug me and tlel me everyhtjng will be okay and that im nkt a burden and i can take up space and i can feel my own feeling snad j dont have to leep bearing others and keep doing thigs flr lther people and i want somekne to tell me im not selfish and im not a horrible person and god what the fuc is happenjnf tl me

i jsht god i cannt. the teason jd is looming so badly over me and gkf forbid i thjnk about bella too right now bht j jsut i cant? im taunting by mysrlf. consemning myself. i can commhnicate i am good at thag i can help myself but i juet i dont know what im doinfg. i feel strange and matbe thats what it is from yesterday because i said that and i regret it because i teel like ive just dumped all my feelings out for no reason i let mtself be vulnerable becahse i wasnt thiking straight and now im scared. im scared in the same wag hes scared i dont like change. i dont like jt and im thinking abkut it now and in scared? and jdotn know why??? i want change with you but im also horrified i wont be enlufh and i cant help. god forbid jd mindset rekindles inside of me but i jjst im so scared to be vulnerable. ii want to rely on someone j want to bevulnerabme i want to tell you im not feeljng good right now and i want you to know eberythint about me and i want you to understand but . but. but. theres so much stopping me. you are not mine but i am yours heh webweaving but i jhst i cant chat? ,? i an not your issue. you have your own issues you vocalized them with me and i just feel so. broken.? i dont confess that i feel the same way becahse i will not soeak into the truth that i am also doomed that i am broken and i am lying and i am a horrible person truly at heart and i wanted to help yu and put you first becaushe you mean soso much to me but i am not the good version of you i am the version of yoy that is lying to make themself feel better and victimize themself and hurt. hurt peiple hurt people. i an fuckijng ill andi an talking aboth so many things rifht now i jsut god jd i cant i mjss her but i dont i miss the wway felt with her thag i felt like i could be comfortable and talk to her and be broken but i cant do that with you because im not lile that. i an not rhat gersion of me anymore and god i just icantn fucking im ill and theres sp much . i am thinking ablht all the time god forbid your ex and the others and i am ill and sickened and selfish and horrible. and i didnt eben respond to eli and im horriblr and i keep trying to distract myself but tis nlt working and GOD you keep texting me and i jsht want to talk to you and cry i want to crt so bad i want to tell you that i need you but why do i need you why am i so attached to oyou am i already codependent from this many months? am i broken? am i still sick? i have healed in the least jmpprtant points i jjst i im sp. I cant. injsjt i need to calm down and think i feel so horrible ans so selfish i want someone to hell me but i want to be doomed but i want spmelone and i want thag to be you but im selfis h and im sorry

5 notes · View notes

jayteacups · 7 months

Note

kind of a stupid question but how do you know who soeaks in a manga (particularly aot) somtimes i just cant understand who is supposed to be saying that line and i get so confused like the panel with aot characters that you posted about foreshadowing i have no idea who is saying what

Hi anon! Don’t worry it’s not a stupid question, reading manga takes some getting used to. I don’t read manga that often, actually, as I’ve only read the AOT manga and the No Regrets and Lost Girls spin offs, so it’s still something I’m getting used to. Usually the speech bubbles point towards the speaker in a clear way but there definitely are panels - such as the one you just mentioned - where it gets confusing.

Below I quickly annotated it to help you see the sequence of sentences, to show this entire thing is being said by Levi. (When I pointed out the foreshadowing I was mostly referring to speech bubble 3 where he basically predicts RtS. I know the fandom often jokes about how Erwin was reading the manga in S1 with the ‘who is the real enemy’ line, but Apollo really hit Levi with the gift of prophecy here, lmao)

You probably already know that manga panels read right to left, so the speech bubble on the far right is the first bit that’s being said. I think it does get confusing because some of the speech bubbles don’t point directly at Levi - at first glance it looks like Sasha’s saying phrase 2, for example. What Sasha’s really saying is the little ‘ah!’ exclamation, in reaction to what Levi’s saying. Same with Jean - even though the speech bubble 3 is pointed in his direction, there’s a closer speech bubble, in blue, that’s what he’s actually saying. Everything else is being said by Levi. I get that it is confusing since Levi isn’t at the centre of the panel, there’s multiple characters in the background, and the panel visually focuses on the recruits’ reactions/expressions, putting Jean and Sasha in the centre so I totally get how this particular panel threw you in for a loop because I had to do a double take lol.

I’m no artist so I don’t know how this panel could’ve been improved in terms of character positioning/angle of the scene/speech bubble layout, I’d be interested to hear the perspective on that from someone more knowledgeable in the visual arts or something lol.

I should also point out that when I posted this panel, I did it to point out the foreshadowing, but this line from Levi is part of a larger discussion spanning multiple pages - basically, without looking at the panels before and after this, there is no context, which probably added to your confusion. If we look at the entire page (second page of Chapter 52) we can see that Levi was already speaking beforehand, this is just a continuation of it.

Hope that helps!

#mail for jay #jay rereads aot

2 notes · View notes

duncebento · 2 years

Note

what’s bad about it

yeah so much…the sets look cheap honestly. i hate to say it. but the main street literally read as a set in my head like i could not suspend my disbelief. and u might think “welll maybe they just had a strict budget” but even the decisions that would have cost no money were made poorly. the aforementioned gambling scene takes place in one of the men’s houses i guess? but the room looks like a fucking wayfair commercial. no knick-knacks, no family photos, no untidy corners, no movement, light, or noise from the other room? the main lightskin is pretty but he can’t act, at least not in this role. he had me feening for the BLONDE vampire instead. sad. side note i despise the vampire special effects bc they literally just gave them bright blue eyes and the pupils look like they were superimposed on. blondie talkin about “i love that the women here are in every shade” meanwhile none of the actual women they cast as interests pass the paper bag test. why only lightskin women in new orleans? why does the music suck in new orleans? why is the white dude the only one who can speak french like what the fuck? it’s like casting a movie in DR and making it so that only the spaniards soeak spanish but all the black islanders are like we dk what youre saying….what. these ppl would speak french. vampire jumpscares are not scary. narration is necessary (it’s an interview!) but they make such poor use of it as a device i found myself wishing they’d cut it. all he does is state exactly what’s happening. the narration in fucking everybody hates chris is more subtle. french dude cant really be racist because he’s european white trope (but i hope to god they address that later in the series. same with the white saviorism and insistently interracial relationship.) why are the religious themes so sloppy and flat when your show is set in new orleans? why didn’t your actors have (enough) accent training? because they all have different accents. i find the main character incredibly unsexy which is a crime since you all saw me decide to watch the show purely for the apparent sexiness of the main character! but he’s an unwittingly unlikeable protagonist. and the “immortal in the modern age” theme is so half-assed like at the beginning he writes this cursive letter on handmade paper and youre like ohh this guy’s old-fashioned! but then his duplex modern apartment (boring might i add, and modern decor CAN be quite interesting and characterized) and zip-front black turtleneck are a modernization in the worst, most lazy way possible. i honestly laughed when he got called n word in the first episode because of how little weight it bore within the writing, just like i laughed (and turned the show off) when lioncourt went on his rant abt how he memorized the entire bible but then forgot it because he became an atheist after his dad beat him. wow this is really heavy subject matter. basically it’s kitsch as hell and the white boy was the best thing about it. sad

6 notes · View notes

solardick · 1 month

Text

Card И. The next step is equaleving it to the & card. As it stands for the same letter. As and. The addition.

And it looks like they captured the last episode and externalized it as someone else. Stilled smoked half a pack though. Because i’m a dumbass but, that’ll never change. And that also showed that am i not alone in the way i react to. BS. Though on a small scale for my level of experience to causes.

Though i also found it curious about the И card image i used resembles the letter & to a high degree. No? I think so.

Naw, starting to not like russia. Chechen and the letter X. Becomes a general. In his prime. Good bye child, good graces to you.

My advancements on the tarot have been, suppressed by something else. Lately.

Kind of just want the calm before the storm. Its a quiet. Sombering. Well, heres the outcome of all those years conditioning. Disease.

Thats where ive been, grew out from it.

Oh, wise one i bow. The special forces are an A. Though, there’s this queer moment. For the letter V of an image of a feminine body gracing the subject with water. As strength is in truth. Read it from wiki. Must be true.

But as we explore and i’m given new information. One finds a window to the exclusive. And where that strings leads.

“The unit i, also known as imaginary number i, represents the value of the square root of -1 and part of the number system called imaginary numbers. An imaginary number is the value of the square root of a negative number. The numbers are not fake just simply have no place on the number line like real numbers.”

At any rate. Going yo resign from being a part of the health and safety comity. Can’t do it. Not if i have to come home and be alone. I can’t function. I’ll just drift from any responsibilities and not have a head in the game. And with Pluto moving in. Knowing i don’t own my own life. Just gonna fuck it all up anyway. As soon as i open that door. Its silence. Nothing else. No words. No sound. No movement. The same as its been all my life. Even when coming home to house full of assholes. Never been any communication at home. Bever will be.

As for the present time. I can sit there and game for 16 straight hours or sit behind my phone. And let words speak for themselves. It’s not like anyone has ever had anything to say to me anyway.

Fucken stupid fucken country abd stupid fuckrn healthcare systwm. Fuck you. Dont call me at work. I cant answer. Called bavk after work. No sound. A dead line. Well i tried. Leave the infection to fuck my insides. After 3:30 or on the weekend. Whem? Monda6 fucken morning. Thats ehen. Its bad enough. Im not even allowed to go t o a clinic.

Hello operator from anoyher country. That has a hard time soeaking my fucken language. Fuck you.

Maybe it’ll get so bad that i’ll have to go get surgery and waste a hundreb thousand dollars instead of a 20$ bottle or anti biotics instead. Sounds like aplan. Fuck i hate canada.

Ivr done a couple hours on duo-lingo. Think im qualified enough to get a job working for the russian helarhcare system behind a phone.

They are so fucken with me. Fourth call…. Hello do uou speak french. Not functionalyl enough to describe anything. Ok. Give me your number my colleage will get back to you. Its fun spendign an entire lifetime being fucked with. 39 tears and counting. They’re never going to stop.

Hello suicide. Welcome back. Whats up buddy. My longest known friend.

Cheers to tyranny. Theres more of it than not. Always was. Always will be. Well go to the hospital wait in the E.rmR for another 13 hours. For them to tell me to come back another day. Pray. I cant go through the proper channels.

Get me out of this horrorscope prison cell you’ve put me in.

I dont want to pay for health insurance anymore. All i get is the opposite. If i cant even get my rights fulfilled. Image trying to do a privilege.

Its like driving is a privilege. That i have to pay for even if i don’t drive.

Though i can smoke, cigs and pot, and game and watch tv buy alcohol. No problem. Its handled with curtesy and a smile. I even have a guy, that will give me methadetamines. For free! Wow. Not that i’ll do it willingly. Doesnt mean i havent been drugged with them. To make me unstable. Went to go get a cup of coffee. Recently. They put speed in it. I expect canada to make that legal soon too.

As for the health and safety comity, that i got roped in applying for. I declined it. Everytime i did that as a kid. People did it anyway. And i got shot in for it. So nope. Not with pluto moving in on it.

The world is designed for people wirh engeneered stress disorders. To get fucked by life. I do t look forward to the day wheb im completly dependant in the health care system. When im old. Holy fick.

Fifth call. From an unknown number. Hi, my colleage didnt soeak french yesterday. So we’re calling to be evil degenerate fuckers of humanity and rub in as much as we can. While tour supposed to be at work where you have zero reception. And cant take calls. Told her to suck to evil out of my ass.

Well since im goign to be waitingn here for anothe r ten hours. Go smoke some smokes. Study russain if the drowsiness doesnt go away.

Too bad the words for “bad language” or “abuse” is seemingly identical to “Mother”. Being мат and мать. I cant tell the difference. Being being explained that ь succeeding the previous letter combines them to a y sound. And yet. Listenign to audio recordings of both мат & мать. They sound the same.

These are what you’re looking for. The differnece for here at the moment is passive abuse versus active abuse. Is there a difference? There is. One gets away with it and the other doesnt. Because we’ll bred to be passive and receptive. The same go for the abuse. It wasnt eliminated just changed gender. It safer to abuse people with passivity than activity. They’re no consequemces involved.

Looking for things like this. When it comes to the power of symbols. And attached meaning. As for the russian to english equates abuse with the mother. Beign abused by “caretaker” “authorities”. Or abusing the mother. And not by the mother. And these cockskrs here fucken with me.

Im not allowed to have a non-abusive mothet. Or father. Or sibblings. Doesnt matter. Its all мат to me. But one continues on with the passivity until the other explodes or implodes. Or kills themsleves. Somehow. And vents out the frustration. And then you go active abuse. Beat them down for callign you out. Thats life.

Other than that. The A-fool should be feminine. And the E fool masculine. All life starts with the feminine. And the play on words. Like beauty vs booty. They sound similar. Amd yet not at all different. A booty is beauty. And eau brings it all back to the caressing of the mother and the lion. Other wise we have two male fools each besides the devil card and associations to carnality. Which works beautifully. Because. An upside down A. Represents inclusion. A one for all. But doesn’t add them. As a sum total. Because it’s all about the individual. At this point. Which is fitting also for eau is litterally to word for water in french. But we’ee trying to be ignorant like most of these other fuckers. And detach the tarot script from its perversion of its designed rape of mankind.

For example. This little girl is being repeatative about calling out for daddy, dah, dah! Da dah da da. I put my book down. Look her right in the eyes. Gave her the attention she was missing with a detached/attached sense of silence. And she quieted down completely. Little girls are like that with me. They reach out and call me daddy. The breeding ones. Do nothing about abuse me. And the older ones are usually super chill.

And i come back in and the guy that was beside me is gone and a woman took his place. Both of is chewing on jerky.

It’s interesting that the russian letters change their pronunciation as another letter when it comes to them being placed to hard and soft consonants or at the beginning of a word to the end of a word. D turns into k. V turns into F. This seems like a fun area to explore the use of imaginary/complex numbers and bridging them to the real. If i understand that right. Theres not much difference between the russian words for water and vodka. And vodka is supposedly pronounced as votka. Wheres as the D changes form to a T.

Hey look, my conscience is back and the fear of reprimand. But, you know what? Y’all right. I don’t need one.

The tragedy of the baltimore bridge collapse happened at the same time as health service canada called. While not being able to respond. Down in the water. People died. But only the construction workers minding they’te own bussiness. But save for there not beign andingle car on the bridge because authorities where given a warning. They just left six people on the bridge anyway? Yeah ok.

Checked my phone. That be 10 calls to or from the gap. With nothing. A dead line and bs.

Well thee goes three hundred dollar cause im not allowed to go to a clinic.

That was a waste of everyones time. Sorry wewont help you. Come nack when your dying.

Well time to go home and chain smoke.

Does it hurt? Sometimes. But since there aint any pain receptors there. You dont feel much at all. Do you have reason to beleive its an std? What?! Ive been single for twenty years. (She gave a suppressed gasp of astonishment)( i know im super sexy and all) women give me fuck me eyes all the time. If their not trying to fuck me over. If i habe an std its because someone purposfukly gave me one.

Sorry im going to touvhc your prostate. You may feel uncomfortable…… ok. Whatever. That’s my prostate? Feels like every other partof my ass. (Uncomforatble. And raw. And like its infected. Goes with the stages of the moon. Like an infection does) People say that feels good? Know what feels good. Taking a huge shit. After youve been holding in it all day. Am i right?!

Oh Ну, ar leat i learned soem russian grammar while waiting these last ten hours. Djould hav eyet to the pot store first. Now its closed. Maybe i’ll

Find a big roach in the ground. Well if all the children didnt get to them first.

It’ll go away on its own. Its been over a month. Yeah sometimes it takes longer. Ok then. Probably something i got drugged with.

An dnow its time to wait for my jailers to mentioned exactly what i told to nurse today. And then ill punch them in the nose as hard as i can. Still need to get my hunting permit for a quick painless way out.

Wahts it mean when you find a dead goffer before spring? That sunmer isnt gonna come at all? Can. You imagine everyday being fall? Wakenup in the morning put on a winter coat fo home in the evening wearing shorts and a wife beater. There

hasnt been a winter. This year. Its perma fall.

Well its 1 am. Got to get ul in four hours. Guess im not going to work. All i can feel is the sicknessnin my ass. And even agter going to the hospital. I walk out. Not knowing any better than i did. Not having a diagnosis. And a cheap quicky look. I fucken hate life.

#tarot #tarotblr #qwerty #math

0 notes