#i cant get any more tired

[bucephaly]

It's kinda shocking to me how few people seem to know how prevalent the 'my great grandmother was cherokee' myth is and how it's almost never actually true, especially when it comes with things like 'never signed up' or 'fell off the trail' or 'courthouse burned down destorying the documentation' etc etc.

People just don't even seem to know the history like.. when the Trail happened. My great great great grandfather was 2 years old during Removal in 1838, so peoples 'my great grandmother hid in the mountains!' is so clearly wrong. And we have rolls. From before and after removal, rolls done by cherokee nation and others by the government, rolls that were not stored in one random flammable courthouse. It's not difficult to find the actual evidence of ancestry.

And just.. there are lots of ways those family stories get started. It was a practice during the confederacy to claim cherokee ancestry to show one's family had 'deep roots in the south' that they were there before the cherokee were removed. Many people pretended to be cherokee and applied for the Guion-Miller payout just to try to steal money meant for cherokees - 2/3rds of the applicants were denied for having 0 proof of actual cherokee ancestry. [We even see lawyers advertising signing up for the Miller roll just to try to get free money.] And the myth even started in some families in the cherokee land lotteries, where the land stolen from us was raffled off, including the house and everything that was left behind when the cherokees were removed. We have seen people whose families just take these things stolen from the cherokee family and adopt them into their own family story, saying that they were cherokee themselves.

If you had some family story about being cherokee and you wanna have proof one way or the other, check out this Facebook group run by expert cherokee genealogists that do research for free. Just please read the rules fully and respect the researchers. They run thousands of people's ancestries a year and their average is only around 0.7% of lines they run actually end up having true cherokee ancestry.

#and ive heard even dumber origins of the cherokee family myth #such as an ancestor having a silly sounding name so the descendents just go 'oh she mustve been an indian!!!' #i was one of the few people who had my ancestry done on the facebook and had genuine cherokee ancestry #[though i had found it before it was just really validating to get it double checked and i started finding cousins (:] #like. i was told once when i was a kid by my grandma that my dad had cherokee ancestry and i didnt believe her. its wild that so many peopl #will make it a Fixture of their identity [or even just smth they bring up ever] with Zero proof #at least for cherokees from what ive seen its usually considered really disrespectful to claim to have cherokee ancestry without #actually having the documentation [like ancestors on the rolls] #and no a dna test doesnt count. nor does 'my dad is Clearly not white!' or 'high cheekbones' or old family photos or anything #i had this discussion with someone recently whose dad had been calling himself 3/4 native but didnt know exactly what nation ???? hello? #and its like... sorry but ur dad is like. italian lol. #[and blood quantum is bullshit anyway im tired of the 'im 1/16 cherokee' comments its dumb #cherokee nation does not have a blood quantum requirement. its pointless bringing it up in the discussion of who is or isnt cherokee] #also mandatory disclaimer that im reconnecting. i didnt grow up connected to the culture of even knowing my ancestry #this is all from my looking into this stuff over the past year or so. i cant claim to be an authority over anything regarding this #this is p much all my repeating things ive heard said by people who know a lot more than i do haha #man. and this isnt even starting to get into the fake tribe stuff. the only legit cherokee groups are the 3 federally recognized bands #cherokee nation of oklahoma. united keetoowah band. and the eastern band of cherokee indians. #any others that are state recognized or not at all arent acknowledged as legitimate by any of the legit cherokee groups #anyway. my final message goodb.ye #cherokee #tsalagi

[silverskye13]

In which there is talk of the tournament.

#the barking writer #redstone and skulk #helsknight #tanguish #evil beezuma #the hand #hels!martyn #head in hands crying sobbing kicking screaming #this chapter is done it can't hurt me anymore #please take it away #im tired of working on it #im tired of being mad at it and deleting it and rewriting it over and over #i don't care if its good or if its bad i care that its the last time i'm trying to write it #its posted its done it cant hurt me any more #i don't retcon things that are posted i refuse to roll this rock up the hill #one must pity sysiphus that he didn't get wise like me #anyway i'm going to bed #im so sorry if it's not good or not what you expected or whatever #what matters is i have moved on to a different ring of hell #you understand

[jorrated]

betterhelp is a shit service and horribly capitalizes on peoples mental health, but it somehow makes me madder when people people make ad reads for them saying that therapy "makes you happier and helps you relax :)". bitch therapy isnt you gossiping with a dude its a healing tool that its sometimes uncomfortable and thats necessary for you to confront with some issues within yourself

#i figured out why im so bitter and complainy im just pms ing #but fuck off im so tired of seeing these ads #if your therapist not once makes your slightly uncomfortable im sorry your not getting therapy #your just paying to hang out with an acquaintance #i know part of the talk is that ad reads have lil bullet points they need to read. but christ its so bad. die. #i wanna guillotine however is responsible for that company #and big youtubers taking ads from them need to shut the fuck up #cause i cant take any more stans saying 'oummm there is no ethical consumption under capitalism'

[zvaigzdelasas]

(Assuming all membership offers are accepted)

own work, public domain

#some places show other applicants but i cant find any clear list of 'x y & z countries have submitted formal requests' so #if you can get me that list in an authoritative enough format i can update easily #also i guess the new 6 wont be full members until jan 1 #so technically theyre more like 'inductees' #but too tired so #also dont @ me abt territorial discrepancies this is all coming from Wikidata so blame them

[mudstoneabyss]

actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)

#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it #this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself #and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure'' #but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given #which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin #it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo #like he's been through enough! #because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying #by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them #when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person #yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon #but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi #get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma #especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are #like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow #i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice #or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it #i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops #wtnv #wtnv spoilers #joyousposting

[redysetdare]

listen when we say we need aroace rep - we MEAN we need AROACE REP. becuze shock of all shocks, a character being just ACE is not aroace rep! same with a character being just aro is not aroace rep. not all aroace ppl see their aro and ace identities as separate.

I for one, find it difficult to separate my aro and ace identities from each other which is why i am AROACE and not aro and ace. A character being only ace is not representing me. I do not feel represented by only an ace character. they are not even half representing me because my asexuality goes hand in hand with my aromantisism. and Ace character is not half representing aroace people. I'm sorry but i do not relate to the alloace experience because i am not alloace. so a character being only ace is not relatable to me because they are not aroace. the same goes for if a character was only aro or aroallo.

Now before anyone decides to misinterpret this post to hell and back I'm not saying that aroallo or alloace rep is bad or shouldn't exist. I'm saying stop throwing aroace rep under the bus because "Actually we need more just aro/just ace rep" as if that somehow solves the issue of aroace rep being nonexistent.

#text #aro #aroace #ace #aromantic #asexual #aspec #also if i see someone be like 'ok but all ace rep is aroace they just call it ace' im going to strangle u #if they call it ace then it is ace!!!! it is not magically aroace because u decided thats what they REALLY meant #yeah society doesnt recognize aro as an identity but that doesnt mean that all ace characters are ACTUALLy aroace im going to explode u #im just tired of it being thought that aroace ppl have it so much better and dont need rep as much as just aro or just ace ppl #im tired of aroace ppl getting thrown under the bus because we are aro and ace and so obviiously we get double the rep or some bs #if you think this is about a post you are wrong it is about many posts all saying the same thing #because even in our own communities aroace ppl are the punching bags #because no matter where we go ppl are shit talking part of our identity or treating it as less than #i swear the communities focus on fully separating aro and aceness has been more detrimental than helpful #it's gotten to a point yall think there cant be any overlap ever and have sorta pushed aroace ppl out of both communities #because 'you cant bring ace experiences into aro spaces! not everyone who is aro is aroace!' #'you cant bring aro experiences into ace spaces because not all aces are aro! we can feel love and have relationships!!!' #basically ignoring the nuance and overlap our communities have in order to try to be seen as independent identities. #idk i miss when we would work together and understand each identity as different but also see that there was similarities and overlap

[sonknuxadow]

shadow and amy need to be freed from "can never appear in anything without people immediately rushing to make it about shipping them with sonic and not care about anything else" hell Immediately

#i dont know who gets it worse i feel like on tumblr specifically people are definitely more loud about s//onadow #but i feel like so//namy shippers are more likely to have really bad takes about their preferred pairings i once saw somebody say #''if so//namy doesnt become canon in frontiers then amy has no reason to be in it'' #which is like . wow okay . you are the most annoying person on earth i think #to be clear im not hating on s//onadow . just tired of seeing characters be reduced to half of a ship and nothign more #cant say the same for so//namy though i dont have any respect for that one at all lmao

[craycraybluejay]

ik people like to act like sex and imbalanced sexual dynamics are uniquely traumatizing (moreso than any other kind of power imbalance, abuse of power, or just flat out abuse period) but from personal experience not really. there's nothing inherent to sex and sexuality that makes it traumatizing. there's nothing inherent to sexual trauma that makes it more traumatic than any other trauma.

and chiefly trauma is never really about the intentions of any party who made or let it happen. someone who wants, intends, and tries to hurt you might bounce off you just like that; because they simply failed to psychologically damage you, because what they did didn't bother you a lot whether it be mental physical or sexual. conversely someone who does not want, intend, or try to hurt you may scar you for life with something either they don't understand is harmful or isn't even inherently harmful and is uniquely that way to you.

i just. i'm annoyed at the narrative of trauma being taken away from the survivor themself. if i say this was traumatizing and you think it's not a big deal, too fucking bad, listen to me. if i say that wasn't traumatizing at all and you think it's the worst thing in the world upon hearing what it is, too fucking bad, you don't get to tell me what my trauma is. i'm sick of seeing people put words in each others mouths and tell someone's story for them without that person's consent. idk like? it makes me so angry that whenever i used to talk about things people would blatantly disregard the most horrific times of my life and instead focus on stuff i was neutral or even positive toward as a big terrible thing that ruined me.

nowadays i'm very grateful to have people who are chill and don't jump to conclusions no one asked them to. people who listen when i tell them "i know this sounds bad but it wasn't actually" or "i know this sounds stupid but this was world shattering." people who i get to laugh with. the RIGHT people who extend me the same kindness of knowing their strange "good bad things" and "bad fine things."

life just isn't as simple as "this is always terrible for people" and "this is always fine for people." PEOPLE aren't a monolith. yes, even that thing that you think must be the worst thing possible. yes, even that thing that you think no one could possibly be hurt by. it's hard to involve myself in serious discussions about abuse because there is a very clear Narrative people want to follow and if you as a "victim" don't follow it then either it didn't happen or you're wrong about your own experience.

hopefully I can consult my therapist about this phenomenon in discussions of abuse and trauma. and also about the specific thing that made me think of this. it irritates me quite a lot when others pity me for something that i knowingly chose-- and in retrospect never hurt me either. like what are you fishing for. why are you looking at me like that. i'm fine, maybe you're the one that needs counseling if my talking about this creates such a visceral reaction in you.

#listen to trauma survivors #listen to victims #listen to people who say they AREN'T that when you say they are too #the only person who knows their life best is that person especially in retrospect #ask to tag #trauma #the narratives surrounding trauma are regressive and ignore anyone who does not fit them #mental health culture critical #mental health #i consume [one] weed and then have sex and its immediately rape. pls touch grass jfc #idk everything surrounding sex is this mystical thing rife with potential evil #and i'm tired of it #the anti sex culture #the whole: there's nothing more traumatizing than someone 2 years older asking you out #pls stop #sex is not inherently more evil or potentially evil than literally any other thing that can be used to abuse #and abuse isn't as simple as 2 neat boxes labeled abusive thing and not abusive thing #for example you cant claim a karen yelling at you in a store is abusive. rude and mean yes but shes not abusing you #but if the same person is yelling at you all the time and has power over you so you cannot stop them thats a diff story potentially #idk people have this #black and white thinking #that never fails to irritate me #and we are never going to get anywhere in understanding these difficult topics if we cannot disconnect the narrative from our ego to always #always be right. to always know what is one thing and what is the other

[everythingsinred]

Family and the Institution of Alice Academy

Was thinking about this ever since someone (I forgot specifically who, sorry) posed a question like this in the GA discord, asking about (I think) Natsume's extended family or something like that. It was a really interesting concept that I've been thinking a lot about since it was brought up, so here are the thoughts I've accumulated. I'll try to be concise but I have a LOT of thoughts and my brain is messy.

My general opinion at the end of all this thinking I did is that I don't think Academy students typically have very close familial ties after graduating.

I think the most apparent reason for that would be that students are expected to graduate when they are twenty years old. Our main four are exceptions to the rule, coming to the Academy pretty late in life. Most children are taken early, as toddlers or even babies. Natsume, Ruka, and Hotaru's families did all they could to avoid Academy scouting. Mikan was entirely accidental--if she had never met Hotaru, she might have never even found out she was an Alice to begin with. That being said, most kids were separated from their families at a very young age, only to be allowed to reunite with them once they're already adults. For many students, they've been away from their parents for close to two decades.

On top of that, the Academy doesn't allow visitations or phone calls and severely restricts letter communications. Only one child from each class is allowed to return home for one week each year, and that one week does not do much to make up for all the time spent at school.

My point is that by the time students are allowed to see their families again, that familial bond has already been severed, for all intents and purposes. That feeling of closeness and protection no longer exists. Students will feel more closeness and connection to their classmates and even to their teachers than to their parents or siblings, and as a result, I can imagine many graduates not even bothering to visit their families.

While I was pondering this, I made the connection between Academy students and the real life example of a similar situation with Janissaries from the Ottoman Empire. Basically, Janissaries were children stolen from the subjugated people under Ottoman rule. They were taken for the purpose of a "child levy", also known as a "blood tax." Some children were even willingly given by their families due to the possibility of socially advancing, and because the children were promised first class status (sound familiar?). Essentially the children were taken, forced to comply with Ottoman standards and traditions (including forced conversions and circumcisions), and then trained for military service. These soldiers would actually end up being incredibly loyal and efficient, despite likely never seeing their families again.

(Edit: forced circumcisions are particularly heinous when you consider that the children were typically at least 10 years old at the time they were taken.... so.... uh.... not pleasant.... But also interesting that the Janissaries were typically much older than the Alice children at the time of being taken.)

That level of separation doesn't endear ties; it severs them. These Janissaries--very often forcefully taken from their families--ended up growing up with very little connection to their parents or siblings. The feeling of belonging to their previous communities was gone. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. This was done as a means of creating a strong military force but also to disillusion subjugated communities and tear away their hope. Their children could always be taken; their communities could always be crushed, even without the use of physical force. It's a very effective tool to oppress a group of people.

(There's actually a lot of similarities between Academy children and Janissaries beside the separation of children from their families. They were also paid for their service and were high ranking; the Academy students are given an allowance and many of them, despite being stolen from their families, have a sense of superiority over non-Alices. They feel like they are treasures, and are of higher value and rank. Additionally, Academy students, especially in the DA class, are highly trained and efficient child soldiers, much like the Janissaries. Janissaries are actually a super interesting historical topic and are worth looking into!)

We can even see the effect of this distance when Yuka escapes the Academy and runs away to her family. Yuka was essentially sold to the Academy, with her parents trading her in exchange for money and status. She was very young, far too young to really understand that her parents had abandoned her. As a result, she romanticized her bond with them, and the longer she was separated from them, the more that bond became fantastical. She made many attempts to escape the school to reunite with her parents and she fantasized about seeing them again. When she finally is able to, it's nothing like she imagined. They're cold, and unfamiliar. They don't recognize her. She doesn't know her brothers. They're related, but there's no real connection.

"I shouldn't have come here."

Yuka's is an extreme example, but I'm sure she's not an exception. For most Academy students, the almost 20 years of separation from their parents would be too much to ignore. They would not recognize each other, or be close. I'm sure many parents did not sell their children like Yuka's family did, but the bond between child and family had not been nurtured the way it should have been, resulting in coldness and distance.

Because of that, I doubt most students even bother seeking their families out, or even if they do, it's to visit a few times before starting a new life with a career. That familial bond, now broken, is difficult to repair. The connections people often feel with their families or hometowns is something Academy students instead feel with each other. They are all Alices, all in the same boat together. That feeling of superiority that many kids feel means they view each other as on the same level, and I'm sure that could interfere with family connection as well.

Thus, I don't think there's many multigenerational Alice families out there with close bonds. I don't think families like Natsume's have strong ties with grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. Even the sibling bonds at the Academy are stunted, with the Imai and Shouda siblings being the prime examples of that.

The Imai siblings have a significant age difference, yes, but additionally the Imai parents had a very different approach to Hotaru after seeing what happened with Subaru. They refused to hand her over as easily, wanting to show her important things in life and build happy memories for as long as they could. Even when Hotaru does enter the school, it's more than six months before she even comes across her brother, since the high school and elementary school are not integrated with each other and they do not belong to the same ability class. Similarly, the Shouda siblings are in different ability classes but they have a much smaller age gap. Despite this, Sumire refers to her brother very respectfully, indicating that there isn't a particular closeness.

The Imais fight against this divide, and put in genuine effort into rebuilding their relationship, but it's a difficult process, and one they struggle to admit to for a long time and for various reasons. Familial closeness is not encouraged, not even within the Academy.

(Though Natsume's bond with Aoi is exploited and the school does rely on him caring for her to take advantage of him, but ultimately he is kept from seeing her. Thus, that bond is also severed despite being exploited.)

Additionally, it would make sense to me if many Alice graduates decided to, upon having children, avoid scouting, like Natsume's parents did, and thus ended up moving around a lot to escape Academy notice. Moving around like that and laying low means that you're not going to be hosting huge family reunions or inviting relatives over often, even if all the other points were moot.

Finally, I think all this creates further obstacles for Yuka's wish to "have a family." At some point she says that, for normal people, the desire to settle down with someone and start a family is a pretty modest goal, but for Alices it's almost impossible. Escaping from the school, or even graduating, is a struggle. And you can have a kid, but it's likely that child will be taken from you, just as you were taken, and by the time the child graduates, they will have no connection with you. Wanting to be a potential grandparent, for example, might seem like a definite impossibility, since being a real parent is impossible.

It's even more proof that the Academy exists as an institution to subjugate and undermine Alices, as children and then as parents. Ultimately, an Alice never has control, not as a child and not even as an adult. The pain doesn't end once you've graduated; in fact, it never does.

#gakuen alice #ga #my meta #ga meta #azumi yuka #hyuuga natsume #alice academy #yes there are kids who lose their alices and thus leave early #i think those kids might find more luck reestablishing familial bonds #also there seem to be a few powerful and intergenerational families within the alice system #but those families seem rather to be in control of the school... theyd be the puppetmasters essentially #and thus might not be as victimized as normal families like natsume's.... he clearly has no power or control in the alice world AT ALL. #so yes i think those big and powerful families are exceptionally rare and thus not as relevant to this post #theyre not 'subjugated' like most other alice families are... idk how else to phrase that #feel free to hmu with ur thoughts on this topic! its super fascinating to me as yet another example of the academys many atrocities #and one i hadnt even properly thought of to this degree until recently! #its so very fun to discover and consider new aspects of ga lore or implications in the story! i love it so much! #i just cant see myself ever getting tired of analyzing this manga #i didnt actually narrow in on any one character but yuka seems to be the best example of my points so i focus on her the most #if u want we can talk abt other characters and families and discuss how the academy affected those bonds! #what an interesting concept.... im having a blast thinking abt all this rn

[whispers-of-gallifrey]

Just watched Fury from the Deep and I love Victoria's exit so much it breaks my heart. She's so worn down by their travels always ending up full of danger and death and her always being put in the position of damsel in distress. She really doesn't want to leave jamie and the doctor but she doesn't want that life and I love that it let's her make that choice. And I love that Jamie's concerned she won't be happy living in, what is to them, the future but she acknowledges she's changed too much to go back to Victorian England, and she's highly unlikely to get back there anyway, not without more death and danger. That the doctor changes his mind about slipping away in the night and agrees to stay another day so Victoria can think about her decision properly without feeling as pressured. The fact that she knows the doctor won't say a proper goodbye because that's his way. The way she stands on the beach watching them row out to the tardis, knowing she'll never see either of them again. The fact she doesn't go back to the tardis with them to collect her belongings. Jamie's "I don't care where we go next" because he's miserable that Victoria made that decision. The Doctor's "I was fond of her too, you know" which is the closest he'll get to admitting how much he cares about them all. I just love it

#i just have so many thoughts about her #i love that the story builds to her exit with her saying shes tired of being frightened and asking why they never end up anywhere nice #her exit's similar to tegans in that theyre both worn out and sick of it but i love where tegans exit is impulsive #and very much in the heat of the moment #you see victoria considering it throughout the episode even though she cant bring herself to say it to jamie and the doctor #and yeah i just love that we get to see the travelling take its toll bc when you get down to it she is just a kid who never signed up #for any of this #and where new who companions get breaks between adventures and have lives outside the doctor #classic who companions dont get any of that by virtue of the 'the doctor cant control the tardis' so the doctor and his lifestyle is all #they have #and it goes even more so for victoria bc shes one of the orphaned companions who has nowhere to go back to #(sidenote i was thinking the other day about how many classic companions have nowhere they want to go back to particularly with 1 2 and 5 #which fits with the whole 'cant control the tardis so they cant ever go back so we better make companions who dont want to' #idk i just love that so many of the classic exits are companions finding a new home/realising they can do good in this new place #like they can never go back to their old home and they end up with their temporary tardis family until they find somewhere new to call home #and ik we rarely see the outcomes of these decisions so we dont know if they were the right ones but still) #anyway this was about victoria #in conclusion: i love her and her exit #doctor who #victoria waterfield #jamie mccrimmon #second doctor

[manda-kat]

I think, legally, if a studio/game developer/publisher/whatever has the rights to an IP, but they go for five or more years without releasing any projects related to that IP, the rights to the property should return to the person who originally pitched or wrote it and they can repitch it somewhere else or continue it on their own as they see fit, or just keep the rights and know that nobody can butcher the property.

Obviously, companies should keep the rights to the projects they create while the IP is theirs and any characters or concepts that they introduced that was not the original creators idea should belong to their individual versions, but I think if more creators had the option to take their beloved brain child and walk if a studio decides they actually don't want to do anything with the IP, they should be more than capable of doing so.

This should also apply to cancelations without any plans for new projects AND media being removed from streaming and viewing should automatically return to the original creator.

#i just think if the suits dont want an IP it should go to the creator #once they decide they dont want to waste money making a certain franchise anymore they can enjoy the royalties from what they made #and give the rights to create more back to the original artist #companies wouldnt lose the earnings they get from streaming and distributing what theyve already done #they just cant sit on an IP that they have no plans to work on #and I know merchandising rights would be a pain #but they should be able to keep selling merch for the project as well alongside the creator #but they can only sell merch featuring the designs and concepts from their version they worked on #the original creator has the rights to any designs and concepts at the discretion of the original contracts they signed #or they just keep the rights to their original designs and concepts and things they make for it from that point on #it gets foggy there so I know why it isnt a thing #but Im so tired of seeing creators who want to continue their shows or movies but who no longer own the rights to the IP #and the company that does LITERALLY DOESNT CARE about the property

[steampoweredskeleton]

Ignore

#delete later #in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown #i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it #im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly #to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or #spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be #ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right #and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen #too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the #person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this #at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my #meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things #i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas. #meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry #and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain. #i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay #i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired

[soldier-poet-king]

I normally have the sleeps Too Much flavour of mental illness, but the sheer anxiety and stress about the Job Thing means I slept??? Barely at all??? And what sleep I did get was plagued by anxiety nightmares. So today is going swell I am definitely not Having A Time.

#the duality of fran #i live in a state of constant tiredness #but the insomnia tiredness feels different #its a different flavour that I'm not used to coping with #so today is just. hysterics. more than usual on the brink of bad #ppl who regular deal with insomnia are stronger than any us marine #im a needs way more sleep chronically tired person.i cant imagine having LESS sleep than i already get #once again why are the horrors so good at persisting #i also have a constant anxiety stomach ache since this whole thing started #food is the enemy i have to eat but at what cost (constant acid reflux) #AND a tension headache from clenching my jaw #waaaaaaaa #are my permanent eyebags and dark circles sexy enough for u #falltime emo means I'm back on my snk bullshit too #picked up back in the return to shiganshina arc #bc surely i am equipped to deal w erwins death and levis grief in my current state #this will not go badly at all.

[calamitys-child]

Hornyposting in tags skip if u dont wanna see

#like wrestling collar matches right. idk. yesterday i was trying to explain my Deal to a friend when they asked if i was a puppy #and i was like. im not a puppy. because im not cute sweet baby boy . im a fucking Mutt. #im a grown ass dog with teeth. #and im a werewolf. im scared of the part of me with claws and teeth and no self control #and i love the part of me with teeth and claws and no self control #i dont want head pets sit up and beg good boy #at least DEFINITELY not outright #i want to be chained up and slapped and only when ive broken myself against my leash and am too tired to fight is it safe to pet me #i want reassured that i cant bite people because even when i get twitchy or scared or snappy the muzzle keeps me from hurting anyone else #and I dont want degradation i want seen as an equal being worthy of respect #and pro wrestling collar matches. i feel more resonance with that than i do with almost any pup play content ive ever seen #i want a fight. and maybe i want to lose. just to prove to myself that im not the threat im scared i am

[enden-k]

congrats on ur abyss run! i didnt even know they gave u a little message at the end lol (perpetualy 27 star-er here)

im rlly curious tho, if u dont mind me asking how long did it take?

oh ye it always gives this message when you went through all floors and continue

uhh not too long, first floors are always very fast to do if youre putting effort into doing it quick. i was streaming and fooling around a little, redid one floor twice and enjoyed free haitham whump three times so it was like an hour-ish doing all.

(in the first years i was always very try hard with abyss but rn i just feel tired and old LMFAO so im very chill with it and rlly just mess around and do the barest minimum. basically how i live my life ig)

#good thing about being an occasional sweaty gamer is that my chars are built nicely so everytime im lazy and not in the mood i can just mess #around and still get things done without any effort. bless my past try hard self allowing me to be a lazy shrimp with no motivation but a #thirst for primo crumbs #kjasbckj anw #genshin bores me greatly lately i think its this space between leaving a story and characters i love greatly and mourn already and #a new chapter and region coming up #like with inazuma and sumeru release back then but with the difference that my heart feels so heavy that we leave sumeru and its characters #unlike with the other nations so far (sorry LMFAO) #prob staying this way until fontaine and getting to explore new stuff but my heart still lives in sumeru im not ready to let go AAAAA sobs #sorry for whining its just that im rlly tired and so sad about my babies AAAAA IT CANT BE OVER i need to see nahida scara fam life and #kaveh and haitham being the usual married old couple and more tighnari and cyno and collei and nilou and #cryinh #reply

[toastsnaffler]

okay can we have a new rule that if you're my friend and know I struggle with rsd from adhd + you're planning on hanging out with mutual friends but specifically aren't inviting me for whatever reason. Maybe Don't Tell Me About It

#id just rather not know man. even if I cant go or dont particularly want to im going to get stung by it and it rly sucks #its a TON of extra effort i have to put in to emotionally navigate that information without overreacting and making it an issue #wait actually maybe i do need to sit down with her and explain this more explicitly. bc she probably doesnt rly know abt it #even tho ive mentioned it shes rly terrible at reading ppl and i probably dont let on much abt it anyway bc im used to dealing w it #ugh. but also its rly embarrassing to talk abt and ill have to tread so carefully to make sure it doesnt get misinterpreted. hmm #but itd be worth it if she stopped so. ill give it some thought #it makes me feel so unreal sometimes bc i cant always tell if im justifiably upset or if im 'just overreacting' so i assume the latter- #most of the time to give myself space to work thru the emotion and minimise the damage i might cause if i AM just overreacting #but then sometimes later on i realise that it was justified but its too late to bring it back up and anyway ive worked through it #and idk. theres smth self disrespectful abt it all im tired of making space all the time and never taking any up myself #im not THAT upset rn like this is a v minor thing but still. might be time to start nipping this stuff in the bud #aaanyway #im procrastinating eating bc i cooked a nice meal but now im not in the mood to eat it 😭😭 but i gotta fuel up..... #ill find smth to watch hopefully thatll do the trick #yawns so loud bye for now #.diaries