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#i cant help but think that people are pretending to like me
fatmaclover · 3 days
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theres something to be said about how mac still holds such a childish adoration for his parents after such a long time. how literally its shown to us by the fact that
mac always slicked his hair back as a child, when he still had contact with his father
he stops doing this into adulthood, but later in life, once mac interacts with his father again, he starts slicking his hair back again
he doesnt stop. slicking his hair back. until his own father walks out during his coming out performance. the guy he put it on for. only after that does he completely stop styling his hair that way
not to mention the constant refusal that his mom (and dad) could be anything but perfect, the way hes so desperate to do good by them, viewing them as the way to measure his success...
and. yeah thats. something.
the internal denial that his parents treated him poorly, the fact that its his primary instinct to deny that his parents suck, the constant dismissal of his own issues relating to family because his whole life hes been told that "other people have it worse". the way hes internalized that so hard. the way it takes his dad walking out on macs coming out performance to him for mac to stop blindly idolizing some guy whos threatened to kill him
the constant fear of his own father, while also believing him to be the coolest bestest guy ever. the way he always assumes his father is gonna get violent when actually talking to him, but sings nothing but praises when away from him
the fact that he still calls his dad "daddy" even.
i mean you cant really blame him for not fully growing up in some areas huh
its not even that i think he doesnt know that his parents treat him horribly, it just really seems like he wants so badly to believe thats not the case from years of having his cries for help ignored or made fun of. he cant have been treated poorly, because charlie was treated poorly, and his baggage isnt nearly as bad as charlies, so clearly macs home life wasnt bad.
i think thats proven most of all by his frustration with his own family at times, it really feels like theres some underlying issues. they can very quickly manifest as frustration and anger, but honestly its probably mostly sadness. the way he reacts to his own mother really reminds me of how i interact with family members i have grudges with but have to pretend i dont. im not actually angry at any of these people, im mostly just exhausted by them.
he very clearly is still aware of the neglect he faced as a kid, to me. he knows his home life was severely fucked up, hes just never been able to express that, so hes coped by just. pretending that it didnt happen.
and realistically i dont know if he could ever properly acknowledge that his home life was fucked and his parents suck. maybe hed acknowledge that his dad sucks now, but it wouldnt have been that bad when he was a kid and wasnt a fag. right? he was loved then. his mom still did a great job raising him, and he really loves her, and he was raised with all the love and care a child needs.
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larrythefloridaman · 4 months
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WOAH, HE'S BIGENDER? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
#hey. hey. im just saying. he LITERALLY 'transed his gender' in a diagetic bit in orange. and if that wasnt enough.#in blue he disguised himself as squid jenny specifically with larry's powers (the only thing hes done with them on screen)#got caught by his god-assigned roles-obsessed caretaker. and was given the label of being something intrinsically unescapably deceitful.#while 'pretending' to be trans girl.#like. if i wasnt pretty sure it was all an accident i might even call the allegory here slightly heavy-handed.#with the nccts emphasizing a theme of 'youre not just what people say you are#you can be more than one thing at the same time' with crim#i think crimson can have boygirl swag. some bigender pizzazz. i think he deserves it.#is it REALLY a cpu kerfuffle arc without a subversive narratively relevant gender-transing.#am i supposed to believe the spirit of deviance himself is cis? get fucking real. grow up. /silly#also a lil crimtoinette in there. just for flavor. because i cant help myself.#also sidenote the nccts have given him this cute lil tendency#to tip his hat down to hide his face when hes trying to be Genuine or Thoughtful or Poignant. and i enjoy that little touch#i maybe like this guy a little too much. hes most of what ive drawn for months.#but what do you want from me. i read him as a queercoded villain deconstructed at the metanarrative level.#am i just supposed to be normal about that.#me and zia talked about this in dms and discovered. we came to a lot of the same conclusions. completely independently. lmao
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slutdge · 2 months
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somehow while ive been going through the unbearable torment nexus ive still been able to keep up with my album-a-day-for-a-year thing so far
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goatpaste · 2 years
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really loVE @scribblesugar lil Giorno and Trish fused kiddo, their design is SO good and the concept is so fun,, i know they said it was a bit like gappy whole deal which i know lil bits and pieces of,,, but i just needed to draw them,, very fun
also just doodling out two other concepts their sparked for me with similar trish and giorno being the same person sorta,,, just think, not gonna take them anywhere but their just thoughts and ideas i wanted to doodle out,,,
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craycraybluejay · 5 months
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Me if I ever get a really bad psychotic episode and think my friend is a hulking scary monster so hit them with a chair: whoops, had a psychotic aggression moment after being psychotic this past month. Might want to find a better way to keep myself and other ppl safe in case it happens again
Some people: no!111!!1!! That's just regular aggression!!!1!1 stop talking bad about psychotics!!1!!!!! It was ur fully lucid and self aware choice to hit ur friend with a chair!!1!!!! Literally there's no such thing as psychotic aggression1!!!!1! Kys op!!
#narcissistic abuse#discourse#mental illness#actually psychotic#actually schizospec#literally yes mental disorders can drive u to do bad or stupid things. why do you think people seek help for them.#because theyre sad sometimes?#even low grade depression or anxiety can make you suicidal. and being suicidal can make you careless and stupid bc u stop caring ab shit#so like. maybe stop pretending mental disorders cant drive u to harm ppl and start addressing how to stay safe#and make sure others r safe around u#me if i say i got mad jealous bc of adhd related rsd and was mean about it bc adhd related impulsivity#people: OH NO UR SAYING THAT ADHD MAKES PPL ASSHOLES GO DIE RN#literally. go away. mental illness is an illness and not a quirk. bad shit happens. people do bad shit to themselves and others driven by#disordered behaviour and thought patterns#and you know what helps prevent this? talking about it honestly and spreading awareness so we can all get the kind of help and coping skills#that we need. so those who need meds or therapy can. so ppl can realize#'hey i felt super offended over this thing someone did that wasnt about me and hurt them! thats a pattern for me!'#'maybe i should talk about it with a therapist that specializes in stuff like that or try to use calming coping methods-#to calm myself down when i get really angry and see if it's worth hurting someone over!'#please take a moment to reflect#who are you helping by denying the disordered nature of mental illness
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tokyoteddywolf · 7 days
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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azurtai · 19 days
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sometimes i cant stop thinking about how intimate it is to help someone put on their clothing / shoes ? like helping elyon with putting on their heels ? pulling the elegant boots across legs and over their knees or thighs, pulling the laces & asking 'is this too tight?' or 'is this just right?' and simply just holding one's leg during it all. or zipping up their dress when they happen to wear one out of uniform, clasping necklace around their neck, fingers ghosting upon flesh. so close to their throat. and the eye - contact ? the prolonged eye - contact ? why don't you just lower me towards my grave right now ?
#𓂅ooc❟ text ✧ ̖́ .#wrote one thing and now i cant stop thinking about my bbygirl (they're a warcrimina l! manslaughterer! girlboss)#i never quite talk about the things elyon appreciates from#people they're platonically/romantically close with bc it's so /rare/ that they even genuinely entertain#anyone to be physically close to them BUT !!! with elyon it truly is the little things#the lil mundane things they end up appreciating the most !!!#their partner being like 'i'll help you put on this dress/heels/necklace etc.' or 'let me.' as they open doors/hold hand down the stairs#they !!! they'd def roll their eyes or be a brat about it but its the fact#they /let/ you come that close to their person that signifies they trust you#that they allow you to do this seemingly little mundane thing that they def can do themselves#that shows that they /like it/. appreciate it & that you're in a league above anyone else#elyon is /very touchy/ with people & doesn't really care for someone else personal space in general.#but ... if someone else /out of the blue/ tried to do that with them. they will def react poorly or violently to it#putting a stop to it immediately if they don't vibe with you#sometimes they simply entertain it for a bit ( just to play pretend ) but when they're bored of it. it's over. they'll end it. /harshly/#which i am always !! when i think about elyon being casual with someone touching them/holding them/sharing their personal space intimately#bc while elyon is a /very flirtatious individual / often enough they dont do it on purpose#and its just the way they /are/. naturally flirty. they're interested in pursuing it bc they simply /aren't interested/#they flirt and tease bc they just like seeing how it flusters people. they enjoy the way people react to them#if elyon gets a whiff of someone being romantically interested in them they either play with them to the point of breaking one's soul apart#or simply walk away bc 'no thank you.' they simply CANNOT deal with something like that#it fucks up their system. error. exe tbh. imma be real elyon /rarely/ even feels any sort of romantic attraction to someone#like they simply don't care for it which is why if IT happens it fucks them up so much??? they already feel like they're just /wrong/#compared to everyone else. and add this and they dont know how to deal with it#like i love exploring that part of elyon's character so much tho#its the same with platonic love too. like .... they just /cannot/ grasp it and if they feel like they're diverting from#what they know ( which is 0 concerning emotional depth ) they're just like: file not found#wjhsdgjk thats my babygirl !#lit disappear for weeks from this blog only to return rambling incoherently to myself. peek jem behavior i fear
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oscill4te · 2 months
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everything always peaks me. then im on the other side, see so much hostility, just as bad as what peaked me, and its like nvm. damn. oscillation at its finest.....
#i made a post like this before but i fell into a very bad trap where i just ranted about “both sides” and thats never really helpful#i think there is just a lot of “us VS them” in this world. no one is ever willing to hear others out. they just look at characteristics#of yours and make broad assumptions about you.#i dont know. i feel like everyone in my generation is so willing to jump for your throat these days for different opinions#its their right of course; but i dont know. its like if you have even a slightly different opinion on something; you cant discuss it 2gethe#i want to meet some other fellow normies man; idk#and i say that as someone who isnt really “normal” in most peoples eyes#but i can chill and talk with ppl who have diff opinions from me as long as... they arent super hostile and think in black&white...#mostly feminism and lgbt stuff im talking abt here but yeah. i just want this world to be safe for women & lgbt+ folks yknow#i base a lot of my opinions on that#im trying to just. not care anymore. im just a human at the end of the day and so is everyone else#everything feels so black and white. i just want to belong somewhere. i dont know.#my parts all have different opinions on things so i never have a stable stance on anything#i just try to have compassion and reduce my cognitive dissonance as much as possible#that led me to veganism. lgbt rights. feminism. but even within these groups there is so much hate and fighting#i cant pretend i dont fall into the black and white thinking but i always actively try to challenge it#i tell myself: the world is not out to get you. but why does it feel like it is? clearly everyone else feels like that too
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worm-moon-eclipse · 1 month
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not feeling a lot of "love" or "joy" right now if I'm being honest
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8links · 1 month
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Im about to be a hater
#i love when people use the word lore to describe their histories as a person like on one hand think it is actually cute#on the other hand think it sounds annoying when people say lore drop instead of normal words to describe#sharing your emotions and your past with your friends#my quote lore drop unquote would fuck up your whole night my friend#sorry actually im still going but its because i still feel alienated from my peers and attribute that at least partially#to my severe and yet still undiagnosed symptoms that constantly prevent me from functioning#like okay im so sorry there is no gauge of worseness when it comes to mental health and trauma. everyone struggles and everyone has had#something painful impact the way they move through the world#but im so tired of people only reassuring me that they 'get it' when they Do Not get it#Not At All do they understand or get it to any capacity because what happened to me did not happen to them#and i cant help but feel that way also because of the way i was raised to avoid my emotions like Oh we're still doing that arent we#love you so much you dont understand though#and thats okay#because ill never understand either#but i can try my best to support the people in my life#i never give anyone a chance to support me#like what i was forced to endure was so calculated and so cruel and has forever damaged my relationships but i can work with this#to the best of my ability#sorry i thi k im also just trying ro process the emotions that have been rocking my shit for the past few days while#my body pretends its a corpse in a dtich somewhere
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raven · 8 months
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sorry for being a hater. i understand liking video game persona five. but you dont have to pretend that any of the women in it** are like... good characters outside of being in persona 5. if you put them in anything else they would not be good characters...
**while writing the tags i remembered futaba who is not even a character she is like a sister to me so this aint about her
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snekdood · 10 months
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Idk why i expect charitability from ppl who probably listen to whatever their staple favorite left-leaning video essayists says about the Other Leftists they dont like and takes it to heart and doesnt form their own opinion with the information provided (or the information specifically and intentionally left out to make the person look the worst that they can) just kinda does whatever that persons says because Its Probably Correct
I mean, theyre "on the left" and uses all the words you like, nevermind what their intentions or long terms goals are or how thatd reasonably be practiced irl or if it'd actually hurt the general cause of progressives and make things even more divisive and worse bc they value being petty more than actually having any values.
#yall be like 'i better go watch this black person who believes in racial separatism and take everything they say to heart and not form my#own opinion because the Correct Thing To Do is to let every minority im not say shit that would only help nazis in the long run Because Im#Not That Minority So Clearly I Have No Stake In This'. like idk. its one thing to pretend you understand every thing about a certain#minorities experience that you dont have. its a whole other thing to actually challenge people on their beliefs. and if the person you#are challenging cant give you a good enough answer or dodges or gets MAD at you for even asking - you should probably avoid them or at the#very least not just believe every fucking thing they say and never come to your own conclusions on shit.#people are supposed to have the critical thinking ability to have their beliefs challenged and give you an actual answer#theyre supposed to want you to understand. theyre supposed ro be able to explain it to people who dont understand#and arent in the same spaces enough to understand. if you cant explain to me why racial separatism is somehow Ideal then why should#i listen to you. just to do whatever you say no questions asked or else im bad and very problematic?#like how am i supposed to take this kinda person seriously when they go around calling shark3ozero the c word and other#racist shit. like you're not serious lol. you have no issue just acting like the people who disagree with you on something are just purely#bigots.#when the people you attack are far more on your side than the fucking republicans who yall barely even mention. which is interesting.#anyways if you believe in dividing everyone by race understand that thats LITERALLY what white supremacists want. that is Not the ideal#world for me. idk about you. and if you understand this and still follow me gtfo of here#you're a dipshit and prolly an accelerationist and i dont have time for your bullshit and likely nihilism.#you're gonna end up killing yourself thinking the world is only ever against you and everyone who disagrees w you is a bigot.#and i dont mean necessarily actually putting up a noose i just mean you're gonna isolate yourself SO MUCH from other ppl and stay only in#your one little space. that if you ever lose that space for whatever reason you'll be left alone w no help.#or you'll isolate yourself so much and stay inside forever and be hella paranoid in grocery stores thinkin everyone there Wants To Kill You#and im not gonna act like ik whats in the mind of someone who believes in racial separatism. that was more of an example. but i can try#to understand and i can tell that someone has to go through a lot of bs to think thats the only solution. im not trying to downplay why ppl#might think thats the best option. but really its the same shit w terfs and cis men and it kinda seems like its a solution born from trauma#with convoluted justifications for why its Fine actually#thats how it looks from my angle rn. if thats not the case and you feel like its different im always willing to hear different angles on#stuff. im never married to my positions as im not exactly a static person who never changes.#id say thats quite the opposite of my Whole Thing
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leoxxii · 2 years
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do you think maximus accidently "overheard" a bunch of shit purely bc he pretended to not know sign language for like 10 years. like there has to be things bolt signed to medusa bc he thought nobody else in the room would understand anyways. there has to be SOME things medusa didn't translate bc it was just him venting or cursing right. what secrets does maximus have??
#like. bolt tells medusa someone has a shitty outfit and maximus is just sitting watching them like 👀#they try to surprise maximus but it NEVER works and they cant figure out why#lets ignore the moral implications of maximus pretending to not be able to converse properly w his own brother for a little bit#bc i think there could be a few fun scenarios to play around with#i def like how in the comics maximus can understand him just as well as medusa and doesnt like. hide that.#i guess he also can read minds in the comics i suppose that helps#i just think black bolt and medusa shit talking while maximus has to pretend to not understand them to be very very funny#OH WE CAN MAKE IT SAD. THEY TALK POORLY ABOUT MAXIMUS RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. OH SHIT WE CAN MAKE IT SAD#SO MUCH to do with this show's poorly thought out canon#KABSKABDH#but anyways. WHY is sign language not like a necessary thing to learn in attilan. why does NOBODY know sign#surely that should be taught in schools if their king STRICTLY communicates in sign??#why do none of the other royals know sign? karnak gorgon crystal and triton NEVER try to learn it??#like.thats weird right? even if its so the audience can understand bolt. which is why a lot of dialogue between him and others is kinda off#the implications that NOBODY in his family except medusa and maximus even ATTEMPTS to learn his only means of communication#is just p weird!! why wouldnt they?? you can still have that weirdish dialogue that he has when hes alone w medusa or max#throughout the entire series#instead of. abso fucking lutely NOBODY of these 1400 people except TWO ever learned any sign#sorry ive gotten off topic here the world building fascinates and confuses me !!! im obsessed with dissecting this bug of a show !!!!#inhumans#marvel#maximus boltagon#blackagar boltagon#medusalith amaquelin
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petorahs · 1 year
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not gonna lie my characterization and rationalization of akira's character has been easier to do once i found out he shares the same personality type as me.
like sure it's subjective or whatever but as one myself, ENFP akira makes a lot of his actions make so much more sense. same with ENTP goro. god it makes everything so much easier with arguably complex characters like them.
#aishi.txt#NOW IMMA BE REAL W U i cant pretend to know everything about personality types and learning about it makes my head SPIN#so if im wrong about their types (or god forbid my own type) dont beat me up!!! im just a little guy you wouldnt do that to a silly lil guyy#i know how. passionate people get about these. letters#but i just think knowing even surface-level about it helped Me in particular ^_^#like it rly did. im a stickler for these things and i care if im portraying characters right somewhat in my art n analysis n shi#so putting them in these lil boxes and labeling them helps!#OUGHHH IM BEIN sooo.. smart n organized rn. lets freaking go#like i think its less 'oh akira just like me fr' but more like shit yeah that makes sense people do that#like if someone thinks its weird akira would devote himself to a man who betrayed and tried to kill him twice 🤨🤨🤨#....lets just say they havent met me!#(me forgiving any guy who's wronged me before as long as they say the word or show a modicum of remorse) seems legit!#that being said i think akira just like me fr in the way that if i embraced my quietude or whatever#i think#i am an ENFP though even if i dont know anything beyond surface level ive done multiple tests on various sotes and spaced them out#by months#and kept getting ENFP#So objectively i am one 😎 (dont make me go into identity crisis mode pls! )#i think it speaks volumes though like i understand all too well#hc but i think akira wasnt always quiet but he had to be quiet when he transferred which is obv and also being quiet came naturally?#but its obvious he doesnt always want to be#ie him laughing maniacally in metaverse. frequent flaunting and 'it's showtime!' stuff#for me in the past the 'quiet kid. unassuming' label followed me throughout school and i haaaated that but there was also no disputing it..#i could only try to get close to ppl to show them the real me... -_-#i guess i relate to akira on that front#that being said im also probably mega projecting#but what is media and my own engagement of it if not a sandbox playground for me to do whatever#that being said if im severely ignorant abt this pls lmk im down to learn. i think i prolly am esp in regards to goro's type cuz#i didnt spend that long thinking about him. cuz akira's my fav dhdhdj#🫰goro's just fun to psychoanalyze. akira's my meepmorp if that makes sense
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freddiekluger · 1 year
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super super fun being a trans person in australia rn having to fear for the safety of my trans friends who are able to be out on the streets protesting and organising even with covid and attending self defence collectives to protect themselves from being hate crimed more than they already have, all while doing what i can from isolation on top of dealing with the general trans disabled shit and then interacting with my cis friends who like. can't even be bothered to ask a simple how are you holding up or are you okay when literal homegrown nazis are advocating for the end of trans existence on the steps of state parliament and groups of religious fundamentalists are harassing people en masse in local queer suburbs with police protection. heaven forbid they actually try to help us in any meaningful way or even signal that they care at all
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k0kichiimagines · 1 year
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its so insane to me when i see certain women say that period leave is somehow offensive i am begging you stfu i would kill for period leave dont ruin it for the rest of us because you dont want it 😭😭
#i have endo but i think it'd easier if i could get even only a few days off automatically rather then having to get like special time off#and otherwise we have to use sick leave and then we cant use it when we're actually sick :(#so insane though fr i saw someone say 'its offensive because you're saying women are weaker '😭😭?????#people who r afab are like usually weaker then people who r amab why do u think cis men r so scary#its not offensive to say that#if you chose to turn that into 'people who r afab are therefore useless and dumb' thats your fault for seeing a difference to mean one has#2 be useless because of it#if you have periods then yes you'll be tired and weaker then often getting a lot of pain#i think its more offensive to say that we need to just pretend we're the same as people who r amab and just push through#how come we're always expected to behave the same as cis men?? like if there's any difference it's always that we need to change it to fit#in with cis men?#its so annoying#like even without conditions periods can b so draining#pls help me to understand why its offensive to give people who suffer from them a break???#i do not understand#because amab people dont need it it's offensive and demeaning to give it to afab people in ur eyes??#so like fuck pregnant people then?#like how far are you going to go with this#its not equal sure but being exactly equal isnt always fair.#it's like when i say i dont fast during my period and they say its offensive like personally it gives me the benefit of being able to have#water and medicine and keep my energy up#everyone is different#and its not bad to say everyone is different#different doesnt mean one side is stupid or deserves unjust treatment#(dont take that out of context for like serial killers or something ok i beg)#its your fault if different automatically means that to you i think#i specify cis men because i personally never see transwomen act this way if anything theyre the opposite and always really kind ab periods#idk if i worded that well u probably know what i mean
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