#i cant picture her well at all and its driving me nuts

[behindbrowneyezz]

12.5.22

Honestly, I keep putting off blogging because i know that when my dad gets free time...a sick thought in the head. Instead of just reaching out to me like a normal father, he decides to go stalk my social media accounts.  I've always wondered how he does this...im sure if its not some program he has discovered, then it probably is from katies page. Able to see all my pictures. The statuses i post. I don't mean just on here. in fact i dont even know if here can see this. BUT I do know he has checked my Facebook before, I know this from now 3 different relatives that have warned me about this. Somehow almost 3 years ago, he was able to see a very intimate status i had posted about my thoughts on him and the rest of my RELATIVES going to meet for lunch. Right in my area and didn't bother to send me an invite. Now I know very well most of them cant stand me. In fact i know none of them love me but my brothers, which im not upset about at all. We dont exactly come from a world full of wonderful humans. Each of us have HUGE skeletons in our closet. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. The only difference is that i’m super open about the fucking mess of a human I am! I dont hide it. I wear it on my sleeve every day. Some days more then others. But it drives them all nuts. I cant help that i love to talk, that i feel like people that claim to love me...would be curious on what goes on in my head..but they truly hate it. they wish id be silent. a sober, silent, YES MAM kind of broad. But even as a kid i had this fight or flight mode that never got turned off.

You see, i got molested a lot as a real young toddler. YES TODDLER, i didnt really ever think it affected me much. SO i never really spoke about it. I always told myself that somehow it just didnt affect me so what was the point in bringing it up. It wasnt till i was 17 years old and started drinking that it started to come a problem. Once I started drinking heavily, i started to remember things i had went many years ignoring. If you were to ask my father about this he would probably say that he think i’m lying about it. I dont care. What sick fuck would i be if that i was lying about something so serious. It was his stupid ass that got a druggie pregnant 3 fucking times and let her teach us ridiculous things. I never thought that id lie to my dad as a teenager. But as EVERY teen does, of course there were days that i lied. he was miserable, mean, and hardly interested in anything my brothers and i had going on. SO DUH YES i lied many days about many weird things so i didnt have to see the devil come out. BUT i can tell you ive never lied about the assaults ive experienced. In fact, ive been so honest to myself over the years about it because its the only way that i know that i’m going to DO BETTER. I was raised by and raised around nasty awful lairs themselves. For years i would blame myself, my broken brain for these moments..not realizing i had to understand that at those times..i was a CHILD. no one was there to fully protect me. My dad worked his ass off to always make sure we had a roof over our heads, which thank GOD for that....but wow does he hate me for all those years he lost. SO now he lives a life of ignoring where he came from, a life where he chooses to ignore the first human HE helped create because im ‘DIFFCULT” imagine. imagine thinking your job is over as a parent at 18 because you kicked her out for smoking pot and tossed her shit in trash bags....then moved states for a woman your children dont even know much about. Imagine right?

Well that's my reality. YES ive made a million mistakes....and you know what else? I’m probably going to make a million more throughout my life. BUt for some reason my father feels like i’m the only one hes relalated to that doesn’t deserve forgiveness, kindness, grace, and most of all love. Maybe its my fat ass mouth hes scared of. Maybe he truly hates the human i am. Maybe it IS easier to not have me around....but imagine treating your child like FAMILY is everything..work hard. play hard. and hold on tight because life is wild...all just to ignore them for the rest of their lives. Thats why i get so heated when he decides to just check on all my social media accounts. that coward cant even call or text me??? his ego is so big he truly thinks thats okay? he cant let me have a space where i can be myself and not have to worry about that ass hole reading every god damn word i say? if you hate me LEAVE ME BE. its actually not that hard. he has very much have shown me that. I DO call eveyone my relatives now because those people arent my family. granted some of them i have personally pushed away, but i dont feel bad about that. they chose to be who they are and i’m choosing to TRY to be better then what i was taught. They havent ever been MY family. they are my fathers family and they can very much keep it that way!! Lmfao, a coward AT BEST. i miss the man he was when i was a little girl. THAT man was a man of honor, love, and tough as nails. the person he is...now?...A soulless coward is what he is now. 

Soulless. Coward. 

Maybe he was always like that, maybe people will hate me for calling him that, but i can assure you hes said much worse things about me. Imagine loving to bash your own children to people that wouldnt be at your funeral. Imagine being at a dinner or a family gathering and then deciding to just try to convince everyone around you that your children are a mess and YOU had zero to do with it. Hes just embarrasing at this point. I cant imagine how that man sleeps at night, i dont understand how he looks at himself in the mirror and thinks ‘Wow chris you did great today’.

Maybe he was always this human, maybe I never truly saw him until i started to see the world more. I’m not sure. I hope that's not the case, i really dont. He was my hero, my world, he was the reason i didn't hate myself or life for so long. I really loved that man more then I could ever express. I thought we would be going to concerts, making family meals, and gossiping about women for the rest of my life. I always thought hed be in my apartment judging my things and fixing up anything i couldnt myself. I always thought wed be sending eachother new music we were obsessed with and sneaking off to a good happy hour spot. I truly wish i could talk to my younger self and tell her that its all fake. Dont enjoy those moments. Stop asking him to go to concerts,beg to move in with one of your grandmas. NEVER pick up that bottle. Man how different my world would be now if i had been able to. I dont hate him, i feel sorry for him. because one day, just like my birth mother, he will be dead and will have to see all the wonderful moments he has had to miss out on. HE has MY most precious gift on the planet and he uses it as a TOOL to brag to strangers about how much of a saint he is. Imagine right. Lets all pray for this man. When i saw him last he gave me a crockpot full of candy and hugged me once. that year he got everyone really nice gifts but me..in his words to one of my relatives “If its not on the list, i wont get it” . that year he must of felt like he HAD to ‘make an appearance’ as he used to love to say about life things when i was a child. Imagine, hating your one and only daughter so much you throw her a crockpot and then leave and never answer your phone to her calls or texts again. Ill never understand why he thinks people should all be chasing HIM for the rest of their life and he doesn’t have to give any love in return but SHEEEESH what a toxic trait. I probably wouldn't be so angry, so hurt if it hadnt been for all the wonderful parents out there that constantly give their children grace. Mind you, my grandma is one of those parents. Hes in his 40s and still calls her at least 4 times a week I’ve been told. So you'd think he had learned from the best. Lets all laugh together. my little girl self will always miss him dearly, but the woman i’m becoming sees a very different human. Maybe hes not even human at all anymore. Just a hallow shell trying to survive another shitty day on this shitty planet. 

They call this the Devils playground, i think they just may be right.

#lostcause #the lost cause #familydrama #relativeshit #rip #theforgotton #theforgottondaughter #resteasytome #mentalhealth #denver #denverscum

[dustjacketmusings]

Can someone pull the physical descriptions of emerie for me? I need references but can't pull it from my book

Or headcannon references! Send em over

#acosf #emerie #pls help #i cant picture her well at all and its driving me nuts #emorie

[freerebelmentality]

The Ghost of you

AN: Hi could I request a story where reader is they're little sister she was often forgotten by them shes a year or two younger then Sam for the first 16 years of her life they were always there for her but slowly they forgot she was there she often risked her life for them but they never helped or thanked her eventually she leaves you can go from there - @lexy586. Well here it is and I hope you enjoy reading this. I really enjoyed writing this out and I had fun with this even though it made me cry a little. But still made me a little emotional.

Hope you all enjoy.

***********************************************************************

Word Count: 1,496

You look to your brothers Dean and Sam. They are getting ready for the next case in a different town, you see them doing their research as you sit at the table in the library of the bunker. They arent even phased out or even looked at you to even know you are sitting right across from them. They just sit there and go about their business.

It was never like this before, as you were growing up, Sam left and it was you, dad, and Dean. The four of you going from town to town, you got left in the hotel room while dad and Dean went out hunting. But they always came back for you and always came back with a surprise for you. Always.

The surprises didnt last long though, as you got older you were finally allowed to join the hunts. When dad went missing is when you went nuts in trying to find him. Same with Dean. He went to get Sam from Stanford and he wasnt so thrilled you were hunting but he was happy to see you.

‘Was’ you thought as you sat there researching as well and you found a few things and tried to voice your opinions but nothing from Sam or Dean.

“Alright, lets pack up the car and head out” Dean gets up from his chair and walks toward the garage

You and Sam get up from your seats as well and begin getting ready.

Sam packs his things into his bag and walks out of his room and went to the garage. Dean waits in the car, when he sees Sam is when he starts the car.

You are back in your room thinking they will wait for you. By the time you are done and walk to the garage is when you noticed they are gone.

“Son of a bitch” you yell in frustration and threw your bag against the pavement

“I cant believe they left without me” you mutter to yourself as you look to an empty lot, where baby was suppose to be parked.

Then again it doesnt surprise you, nothing should at this point. Its as though you were completely invisible to your brothers. Your very own blood brothers. At this point they even forgot your birthday. Its as though they have forgotten about you for so long.

After dad died or even after Bobby died. Or even after Sam got his soul back or when the Darkness came or after Charlie died.

When Charlie died that ruined you, it was as though she was the only one who ever saw you. Really saw you.

A smile breaks as you think about your dad and Bobby. They never forgot about you, ever. Not like your brothers did.

A lone tear falls as you think about Charlie, she was the best friend you could ever ask for. Sister really. Well best sibling really.

“What the hell happened?” you yell as you begin throwing your bags on the bed

You take one good look around the bunker, you look into your brothers rooms. Dean has pictures out of the family but not one of you. Or with you. Same with Sam’s room.

“Why the hell do I even stay? Not like they notice if I just leave and not come back” you say to yourself as you start packing the rest of your stuff

You finally made the decision in packing up and leaving. Finally.

“Where’s y/n?” Sam looks to Dean.

They finish up the case and solve the problem like as if it was nothing. Well to them it was nothing cause it was easy. For the most part

“What do you mean where is y/n? She’s back at the room” Dean replies while putting the guns away into the trunk.

“No she isnt. Dean we have been leaving her out of everything and I dont ever asking if she wants to tag along” Sam replies while feeling bad.

Well Sam is feeling more angry with himself for not including you in anything. He’s beginning to realize he has been doing this a lot. Not once does he ever asked if you would want to tag along or anything.

“What the hell are you even talking about? Of course I asked her if she wanted to come?” Dean replies in his defence, he was pretty sure he asked.

So he thought.

“Really? You had a conversation with her and asked if she wanted to come along for our hunting trip?” Sam asks not convince he has asked either.

Dean thinks long and hard about the day before taking on the case. He remembers getting out of bed, hungry and not in the mood for anything. Well until he’s had coffee anyway.

He thinks to the rest of the day and not once does he ever remember talking to you. Or even acknowledging you. Period.

“Son of a bitch” Dean mutters

He couldnt believe how long its been going on, he is more ashamed with himself than Sam. He knew better not to treat you this way.

“We need to head back to the bunker and forget the rest” Sam says and begins to pack the car.

Dean pulls out his phone to call you. But no answer

“My call went straight to voice mail” Dean says while getting in the drive side and stepping on the gas.

“She isnt answering any of my texts” Sam says next while constantly checking his phone

“How did we take it this far?” he asks while looking to Dean

“Honestly, everything” is all Dean says and keeps his focus on the road.

Sam continues to talk about how they continued for so long to ignore you and not even acknowledge you once. Not even for your birthday. Nothing.

Dean let him vent about the things they did cause he had nothing to say about it. He had nothing to defend himself. There was nothing to defend.

“She better be home” Dean says while pulling in front of the bunker

“Y/N” Sam yells for your name as he comes down the stairs.

“Y/n?, we’re back” Dean yells next in hopes you would be walking out the hall way.

As they look, they hear no foot steps, no door opening or closing. Nothing, they hear nothing.

Dean walks down the hall and is face to face with your bedroom door. He is hoping that you are taking a nap after feeling frustrated with your brothers. Thats his hope

Sam hopes for the same but he has a feeling you are gone.

The both knock on your door and when they heard nothing is when they walked into your room.

They see how empty your room is, Sam checked the dressers and no clothes in them. Dean looked in your night stands and saw all the guns given to you were in there.

“She left these” Dean says as he pulls out the drawer and shows Sam

“She leave anything else? Cause all her clothes are gone” Sam says while looking around your room.

All the other things were left behind, the books, the notes and everything else that you did to make your room, yours.

“Im calling her again” Dean says while pulling out his phone and calling you.

All of a sudden they hear a phone ringing, they look to each other in frustration.

“She left all her phones too” Sam says while pulling out the box from under your bed.

You debated about breaking them and throwing all of them away but you didnt bother. You just left them back at the room in the bunker.

You were hours away from Kansas and not exactly sure where you were going but youre going. Far away from your brothers, where you wouldnt be in their way anymore or just not be ignored anymore.

You left everything behind, including the weapons you were given. Everything.

Dean and Sam searched every where for you. Asked other hunters if they seen you and they got nothing. Even Castiel couldnt find you. Not even the other angels. Well then again the other angels wouldnt know you either, not like Dean or Sam took you any where to meet anyone. You only ever met Castiel once and that was it.

All Dean and Sam were reminded was just the ghost of you, roaming the halls and in the kitchen. They were defeated.

Dean was the best tracker but he couldnt track you, he couldnt.

“Son of a bitch” Dean yells as he begins to tear his room apart.

Sam is down the hall hearing his big brother tear his room apart from the anger, heart broken and frustration. He winces every time something big hits the wall or floor.

Every restaurant you went to, you ordered the things you liked to eat and not what Dean wanted or what Sam wanted. For once you did things for you.

You were free.

#supernatural #dean winchester #sam winchester #sister!winchester #supernatural fic #supernatural fic request #request #reader insert #supernatural reader

[watch-the-sun-burn-bright]

The Lightning Thief last show

I had the luck to get tickets to see The Lightning Thief’s last performance on Broadway. Here were some highlights. Spoiler warning.

We had the highest balcony in partially obscured view, but we could see everything, including the band.

Before the show there was seagulls and wave crashing and storms playing in the background.

THE THUNDER OH MY GODS. (Hehe pun)

I knew that it came but it never failed to surprise me.

When each chapter came out for their little solo in Prologue everyone cheered.

The YANK the curtain away and Chris nyooms our and sits like a French babe. The audience goes. BALLASTIC.

He sits there and looked around.

Holy shit was that guy Percy Jackson.

He sits there for around two minutes, meanwhile the audience is still cheering wildly.

He’s almost laughing when he goes “Look...........I didn’t wanna be a half-blood.

Kristen (Annabeth) I think was Nancy Bobofit, I’m not sure, but she and James (Luke) were cuddling the ENTIRE show.

Ryan Knowles Chiron was SO GOOD.

“Their father Kronos-“ “KROOOOONOOOOS!” “Ah. Thank you... Mrs. Dodd’s.”

“He tricked Kronos-“ “KROOONOOOS!” “...into eating a rock. So what did Kronos do?” Mrs. Doods gets real close to his face. “Anyone?...Any student?”

Grover baas. Amazing. Incredible. Inspiring.

Percy sounds so heartbroken when he gets kicked out. Like I’m 6 minutes into the show and I almost start crying. It’s insane.

James as Gabe was amazing.

“Hey Percy how was school?”

“Oh it was great, I went on a field trip, fought a monster, got expelled-Ooh lunch was pretty good.”

Percy throughout the entire show plays with the end of his sweatshirt

(He’s drinking blue Gatorade)

Strong was so pretty. Jayleen was amazing.

Percy cries in the Minotaur were heartbreaking.

“Percy was that a fury?!” “YOURE THE FURRY!”

Poseidon. That’s all.

Annabeth gets wheeled in.

“You drool when you sleep.”

“Augh what happened?” (I don’t remember exactly what she says but it’s something like this:) “you passed out and your friend Grover carried you back to camp and I gave you nectar and ambrosia , but not to much or else you’ll die.” She says that very fast.

You can tell thatLuke is poisoning percys mind from the beginning.

Grover runs on in the middle of Thier Sign half sobbing going “Percy I’m so sorry I’m so sorry”

“Are you ever gonna wear pants again?” “Nope.”

“Heyyyy I’m the smartest girl you know.” Annabeth is play fighting with Luke. “You’re also the toughest girl I know.” “You think I’m tough?”

“Sexist much?” “No, I love girls-.......uh within reason.”

“Wow she’s intense.” “You think she’s intese?” “AAAAAAAAAUGH!” Clairrise bolts on stage.

Toilet paper as the toilet water.

“My dad is Poseidon?...SWEEEEEEEEEEET!”

“Luke. Hermes kids are fast-“ “actually that’s a stereotype... flibergate got it.”

The battle sequences are amazing.

“THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LINE FROM A CLOSING BROADWAY MUSICAL!”

“Not... turning him into a dolphin!”

The Campfire Song is really sweet they’re all just playing around like friends.

The Oracle is AMAZING.

Annabeth sounds so angry when Percy gets a quest.

GoodKid HOLY SHIT. He sounded so angry and sad and malcontented. It was incredible.

More Luke poison.

Killer quest was so upbeat.

She says “Six long years stuck at camp!” Instead of five because that’s how long she’s been playing Annabeth and 😭

“I’ve got mad battle strategy, my mom’ll be impressed. I’m comin on your killer QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!”

Out of context they’re speeding down the freeway getting attacked by fury’s and then BOOSH!! Red confetti rains down. I was too high up to get any.

Annabeth goddamn loses it at the nuts joke i don’t even know if it was on purpose.

Katie Garder plays The SquirrelTM.

Medusa was so cool.

“What Interesting eyes you have dear... would you mind if I took your picture?”

Annabeth fixes her hair in her knife

Meanwhile Grover keeps poking Uncle Ferdinand.

The staues hold maracas

“Well Athens got mad at Medusa so she tsudncnwkkwlslrkk.” (She starts drinking from her water bottle)

The little scene before my grand plan is so sweet.

“Since you hate me-“ “I...don’t hate you?” “Well...” Percy turned away stubbornly. “You seem to criticize me a lot.”

“Here hold it this way.” “I don’t need a new way to-oh no this is much better.”

MY GRAND PLAN OH SWEET CEREAL IT WAS AMAZING. AND YES I WILL SPEAK IN ALL CAPS TO EMPHASIZE HOW AMAZING IT WAS. HER VOCALS WERE AMAZING. GOLDEN LIGHT GLITTERS DOWN ON HER AND THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE F L I P P E D. THERE WAS APPLAUSE FOR AROUND FIVE MINUTES. IT PUT THE SHOW ON PAUSE.

“To... Mount Olympus...courtesy of Percy Jackson... and Annabeth Chase-“ “no!! The god’ll think we’re impertinent!”

“Oh. We are impertinent.”

Drive was nice.

Bianca diAngalo’s little cameo was awesome.

The voice in The Weirdest dream reprise was so goddamn incredible.

“You do drool when you sleep!”

The Tree On The Hill was so SO heartbreaking. Jorrel Javier was sobbing.

Luke, Thalia, and Annabeth Re-enacted the battle, and Luke and Annabeth had to pull each other back and then Annabethstarted crying in Luke’s shoulder.

“You know, I dabble in music myself. You wanna hear a demo?” “Not really” “No” “Not at all-“ “IM SORRY I CANT HEAR YOU OVER MY SWEET ASS RIFFS”

And holy shit were her riffs sweet ass.

They controlled them like puppets it was amazing.

Cerberus.

When she says “You ain’t never gonna be remembered” Annabeth shouts “no!”

HADES HAD ON A GLITTER JACKET.

“He thinks he’s so cooool with his trident and his Hawaiian shirt and how hE nEVeR ViSIts HiS bRotHeR...”

Percy almost getting dragged into Taturus.

Mmm foreshadowing

Now normally Son of Posiden is my least favorite song but this was really uplifting.

Again. Battle sequence. Cool as hell.

When Percy sees his mom he throws his arm around her.

Then Poseidon comes.

“My my Sally, you look just as gorgeous as the day we met on that beach.” “And you haven’t changed a bit.”

“Oooookay.”

“That’s my dad?”

“That’s your dad!”

“Here mom something for your first sculpture!” She begins to open the box-“Ooohhh you see its uh, Medusa’s head.”

During The Last Day of Summer like sounds so ANGRY and it’s so sad.

Annabeth really did trick luke. (Sorry man no spoilers here)

Percy gets s t a b b e d, no scorpion just plain ol stabbed.

He wakes up

“Wise Girl?...” “Seaweed brain.” I think she cried and hugs him but from my point on view it looked like they kissed.

They were all sobbing in Bring on the Monsters, especially Jorrel Javier.

Like seriously he was going “DRivE jUst DriIiiIiVE”

Rob Rokicki came out oh my god I was crying it was amazing.

I met a good half of the cast, Kristen signed my playbill twice, oops.

If you want a video of the bows, DM me!

#the lightning thief #percy jackon and the olympians #tlt musical #percy jackson #annabeth chase #grover underwood #many more that i dont feel like putting in

[i-hate-everyone--equal]

After having a very rough life that makes her want to risk it all at the age of 12. Elaina receives a call from her older brother begging for help with his new born daughter. After watching the fiasco Ari and Aaliyah, her little sisters started in Crenshaw and knowing they needed to lay low for a long time. They head to a Freeridge California and meet a little beat up boy named Cesar. After awhile they start to rebuild the never put together family that she's always wanted but what happens when his older brother finally gets out of jail?

Show some love if you like it! I do not own on my block or any of its characters. I only own my own ocs. I also dont own the pictures. If you don't like the book don't read it and I'm always welcome to nice criticism but if your an ass you will be removed. I also dont speak spanish so I'm gonna do the best I can.

...................................................................

Driving to get to my new house in Freeridge was tiring as hell with my mija in the car. Dont get me wrong I know this is the first time we've got to spend time together in awhile but, I also know the girls hyped her up on candy and soda from the way she practically vibrating and jumping in her purple and black car seat. Fortunately she crashed from her sugar high about 40 minutes back and I would be able to carry her big head into the house.

Tapping my hand in the steering wheel, I pull through tagged up streets until I arrive at my new house in Freeridge, California. There were little trees and bushes blocking all edges of the house at the end of the street giving it a very good privacy setting. Its walls a off white concrete with beige tiles on the roof. There was a big yard big enough to store some of the cars Juju and I like to work on, a small garage and a doggie house for my dog Cerberus. As my eyes roam the house I let out the sigh that seems to have been on the tip of my tongue since I left my old home in Crenshaw.

I notice there were no lights on in the house and that I will have to get black out curtains, considering the amount of windows there were. It wont be good when I have to drink my self to sleep only to be woken up by the sun wanting to show how much holier it is than I. The houses off white cemented walls shined in the fading sunlight the light reflecting off the windows giving it a warm and cozy look thankfully along with the sun going down so is the famous unforgivable heat.

Stepping out of the car was a little more challenging than I thought it was going to be considering how my skin wanted to mend into the car seat. So, after I finally was able to surgically remove myself I was able to start walking up to the reinforced door one of the first things I noticed.

'That was probably one of Vin's ideas.' A bitter smile came at the thought....missing mi familia. I honestly don't even know where he is right now. 'I'll find you when it's safe again.' Already knowing the words were lies before they even left his mouth.

The second thing I notice was the cameras discreetly pointing at every angle surronding my house. So if a lizard crossed my yard I would know about it. I opened the door and propped it open with one of door stopper that was right next to it. Not even bothering to look further inside Going back to the car and I pull out mi hija without waking her while also grabbing whatever else we needed to spend one night in an empty house.

Quickly grabbing my silver .9mm from the glove department, I place it in my waist band of my black yoga shorts and start walking in the house and once fully inside, I put Nena and the bags down in the living room on the deep brown wooden floors before rubbing her hair. Glancing at her mixed cream skin with crazy black curly hair I secretly admire her beauty. 'She deserves this fresh start more than any of us. ' I quietly think to myself continuing to take in her peaceful sleeping face that looked so much like her fathers.

She has such an innocent face but, that's just what lures you in about her. She has such a devilish smile when you get past her angelic eyes.

Rubbing her hair once more I walk out and grab a few more bags before placing those bags around her as well. I go back and lock the door before going through her night bag and pulling out her pajamas.

Picking her up to wake her only causes her to start groaning and whining as she lazily opens her eyes and gives me a sweet soft kiss.

"We have to change your clothes before you go back to sleep Nena." I say quietly to the 3 year old.

"Tía" she said with her quiet rarely used voice it coming out soft and toddlerish. Her tired eyes trying to close despite my best efforts. God this girl could try to sleep through anything!

"You cant call me that anymore mija." I said to her softly with my soothing voice while looking into her deep amber eyes. My mother always said that I had the voice capable of putting anyone to sleep. I remember when I was 4 she told me one night that she wanted me to sing for her every night to chase away the nightmares. Unfortunately the next morning I found her overdosed in the tub covered in urine and throw up.

"Yes mama." She said starting to get a little excited but still in her sleep haze.

"I love you mama." Nena said burying her head into my shoulder. Secretly trying to go back to sleep from what I could tell by the way she started to slump into my arms.

"I love you too Nena. We have to get you changed before you go back to sleep plum."I said chuckling to the half asleep toddler before looking away and turning to my phone when I hear the gun shot notification. Clicking my phone on. I see a blaring picture of Nena and *Bang!!* another new text message. This one from the moving company. [ We will arrive Tomorrow at 7 am] Alright. Not that bad and there's really nothing I could do about that right now.

Scrolling to my other messages I see one from Abuela.

[ We are 30 minutes out. She is in a mood driving us all loco.] Chuckling when I finished reading.

'She just lost her sister, nana.' I thought to myself. Before shaking my head to get rid of the thoughts of her. Putting down Nena on the floor unconsciously bringing up old unwanted memories of before the beginning of all of this bullshit.

*Flashback 2 years ago*

Sitting here with my hands bruised, slashed, and bleeding all over the place from the street fights I've had that past week. The dark purple and yellow bruises seeming to do a puzzle the way they fit on top of each other.

Kissing my teeth and looking far out of space while throwing my head back, and letting out a small scream while standing up to let out my frustrations. Today was not a good day, but it seems like bad days are the only days I'm allowed to have anymore honestly. Turning my head around to fully take in my shitty surronding of an abandoned apartment building with dried blood on the walls, broken glass bottles everywhere, and dirty couches and mattresses. The whole place stunk of mold, anemone, and shit. A scoff escapes me.

'What am I even doing here?' I think to myself but in reality I already know why I was not home..... trying to get too fucked up to remember anything. This is not where I am supposed to be doing that though. I pry through the existing migraine to get to the depressing things I'm forced to call my thoughts. While pulling out my phone to check to see if I have recieved any messages, nope but it is 02:30.

'I should probably go home.' Although, as soon as that thought went though my head it was already gone. My mind being too filled with the existing numbness and static to absorb anymore thoughts of home.

Not now.... 'Theres no one there to return to anymore.'

Walking though the trashed old and moldy apartment building somewhere in NY blood territory if the tagged up place was anything to go by I stepped out side. Looking around I notice the tagged up neighborhood and my 2014 purple and black Dodge Charger. Stepping in the car with a groan I start the car and look at my phone again to connect the bluetooth and start playing Leroyce -Forever before I take off toward a destination not really caring where as long as it's not here.

Opening my glove department I pull out a blunt and light it before coming to a stop. 'Got to get off the road soon dont want to get pulled over again.' I sigh, even though I look older than it I am still only 10. One that really is tired of this worlds sandeces 'I really dont want to call Vin to tell the officer to let me go if I get caught.' I add another sigh to my day as I pull into a parking space and turning off the car. I continue to smoke my blunt while listening to the music letting it vibe though me. 'I haven't eaten in 3 days' I think with, yeah you guessed it another sigh not particularly having an appetite or craving anything to eat.

Putting out the roach that was left while also making sure my silver glock is by my side, I get out of the car and walk to the nearest store. Walking up to the 711 I open the door and notice there were three young chicos in the candy isle and an Arabian at the register. Going to the bakery isle I grab two banana nut muffins before going to grab a beer and some chips.

"Can I get a black and mild wood tip?" I asked as I walked up to the Arabian girl at the register. Her big brown eyes first going to my holstered gun before looking into my hazel green eyes. Looking like she was having a debate with herself on whether or not to ask for an armored mixed girls Id. Flipping her fake blonde hair it seems like she made the decision that she doesnt care about my life.

"That will be 9.34."

Placing a 10 on the counter I walk away leaving the change. Going straight back to my car rolling another one and, staring off into space letting my mind wonder into the depths that would only bring and leave more scars. The only thing that brings me back is the sound of my ringer going off. Looking at the screen I see a picture of my hermano Vin and I on the screen. My long curly black hair pushed to the side my eyes closed and a bright smile on my full lips showing off my pearly whites. Vins tattoed arms wrapped around his hermanita as tight as possible knowing that would be the last time we would see each other for awhile.... and it's already been 8 months. "Qué?" I demanded. As soon as I picked up the phone.

"Elaina."

"Hm?"

"Te necesito." His deep voice says hesitantly over the phone.'Really....now you need me?'

"Por qué?"

"We can't speak about it on the phone. I need you to come to me." His gravely deep voice demanded on the phone. Not really giving me a choice in the matter in my head.

But now, what could be so important that you cant tell me over the phone. Well the only way I was going to find out was by going to him.

"I'm in New York right now, get my location and set it to the nearest airport. Make sure you keep the cops from my route I dont want any problems. Order me a private jet and set it to where ever you are."

" Thank you Elaina."

Humming, then ending the conversation. I recieve the route not even a minute later. Taking care of my family is a full time job that I didnt even sign up for....but without them I would have given up a long time ago. I sighed pulling out of the parking lot finally lightin the blunt.

'This finna be some bullshit.Well at least I get to go to London.'

*Present*

Hearing a truck pull up outside the house. Walking to the door I peek out the bullet proof window to see Abuela's black truck outside. The short mexican lady is cursing my hermanitas the hell out I notice with a small smile. Knowing them they probably deserve it. Shaking my head I start making my way to the door unlocking the door and stepping onto the second brick step.

"THATS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EXCUSE FOR GETTING ALL THAT SHIT ON MY SEATS!?" oooh car problems...... Walking right back inside grabbing Nena who found her toy bag and was currently sleeping on a stuffed animal. But she was already dressed in her pajamas so imma just count it as a win-win situation. I already did what I needed to do which was open the door.

"Sissy save us!!!!" I hear both my other twin sisters yell. No. You fucked up her truck. You did this to a crazy Mob grandma.

"Let's go find somewhere to sleep Nena." Walking off not listening to the distressing calls of "Sissy!" from all three my sisters now.

I end up picking the empty master bedroom mentally cursing my brother for not having furniture arrive before his family did. 'Pendejo.'

Laying down on the carpet floor while putting white headphones in my ears and using a giant panda stuff animal as a pillow I pull an already asleep Nena over me and, put her head on my chest before closing my eyes.

I stayed like that for hours my insomnia not letting me sleep and my mind never truly letting me rest. I sit, wait, and listen to my sisters and grandma put away the little things they had before going to sleep. Well at least two of them do.

Looking up to my door as I hear the door click open. My younger sister Juju is there with a burning blunt and bottle of Hennessy...... our sleep medicine.

She's wearing a faded purple spaghetti strap crop top and black pajamas shorts. Most of her tattoos being shown off due to the lack of clothes. Pushing a deeply asleep toddler off of me and onto the panda. I watched her wrap her arms around the toy before turning and grabbing my phone.

After making sure my bebé was still fully asleep, something I honestly dont know why I even questioned, I stand up.

Following my younger sister outside to the back yard we hop on the concrete railing facing opposite of each other with the bottle between us and pop it open. Taking out my phone I start to play Say yes by Floetry. Before I really start to look around the back yard. Cerberus was going to have the time of his life fucking shit up back here. He will be arriving tomorrow along with the furniture, he doesn't do well with long road trips at all so we decided to just drug him and put him on a plane along with the rest of the stuff.

"I thought Vin said he would be here?" Her raspy tired voice said drawing me out of my thoughts and making me turn towards her. Big puppy dog hazel eyes that had dark circles from lack of sleep and brown curly hair made her look like a sun goddess. Her light carmel skin basically glowing in the moon and pool light. Out of all of my siblings I connected with sisters the most. Maybe because I went through a lot of bull shit with them? Maybe because they shared the womb at the same time with me? Either way I'm happy for it considering how much the world seems to hates my guts its good to have sisters that actually care if I die or not.

"You know why he can't come here." I said hitting the blunt. Knowingly about to start an unwanted argument.

"Wouldn't you say to protect his girls he would actually be here with us?Not there trying to get himself killed?!"She asked irritated and worried.

"Hm." Taking the bottle she chugs down the liquor with no regrets. Before handing it to me when she is done, I do the same thing until I feel somewhat alright.

"What school are we going to go to? Will you do football?" Now why would I be thinking about doing football? This ain't my home.

"We will be going to sign up for school soon I guess and no I'm not doing football."

" You might be able to start a new life, have friends, find love." She continued. Her mind filled with nothing but romance, roses, and bullets. She already knew that we shouldnt really get attached to anyone out here. It was far to dangerous to get anyone evolved in our lives but right now on this railing she can dream.

"Are you listing out Liyah's to-do list or mine?" I said laughing and fully feeling the effects of the alcohol. Not wanting to be the one to state the facts.

"All of ours fool!" She says laughing. Her smile showing off her small dimples. The smile slowly going away putting her head on my shoulder before shaking it.

"After everything that's been going on we deserve it.........How did we get here hermana?" Sighing I dont answer, knowing that question was more towards the Angels than to me.

"This isn't fair, for him to send us to one place while hes halfway around the world." She continues with a slight whimper in her voice. Taking another sip out of the bottle before passing it and lighting a black and mild.

"He's trying his best." Those soft spoken words could've been yelled at the poor girl with how quickly she quieted down.

Looking over at her down casted head.

"Yeah he is trying his best....but, his best could be with us there to help." She said damn near sobbing. The medicine is working.

"You know why we cant do that Juju. Come on." I said picking her up from the railing and stumbling back into the room after I placed her next to Nena before turning around and locking the door. Poor girl was already asleep when I turned back around.

What could I expect though after everything that's been going on. Quickly checking my phone for the time to see 02:45. I finally lay down next to them and let the alcohol in my system drag me into Morpheus's arms.

#oscar diaz #on my block #sad eyes #cesar diaz #netflix #gangs #love #freeridge #spooky #santos #prophets #Spotify

[archivedatl]

AP web exclusive: All Time Low tour diary

Posted by Scott Heisel on 08-Dec-06 @ 04:43 PM

Last month, Baltimore pop-punkers All Time Low took to the road with Sugarcult for a series of shows on the West Coast. Here's some of what they saw, in words and pictures. Learn more at www.alltimelow.com.

#1------------------------------------------------------------ Ooohooo So last night we celebrated two awesome occasions...well 3 since matt's molars finally grew in...anyways yesterday was Haloween and our first night of our tour with Sugarcult. I must say, it is pretty strange touring with a band who I spent the better years of my middle school life watching on MTV. Regardless of where this band has been, it definetly didn't eff with their personalities. They were all super nice to us and each came up and introduced themselves. The show went pretty well but it wasn't a good judgement of our the whole tour is going to be because Sugarcult didn't even headline, the Eagles Of Death Metal did, and the tickets for $25 on Haloween night :) I'm sorry but I would never go to a show if those were the circumstances...I'd be out expanding my collection of holiday treats. Tonight the 'real' tour begins so we will see how it goes. We are playing Washington State University in Pullman Washington. We haven't done too many college shows, so this should be interesting...anyways before we got on the road a couple days ago we were couped up in Ben Harper's (formely of yellowcard, now in amber pacific) house/studio in long beach, CA working on our new CD :). We demoed some hot licks that were going to send over to our producer matt squire so that he can put in some input. I heard my blogs are going to be posted on the Alternative Press website for this tour, so if that's the case then...helll yeah! Well I just woke up from sleeping in the van so I am gonna walk out into the freezing streets of Pullman, WA crack my back and grab some Qudoba. Much Love, Jack --jbstar #2------------------------------------------------------------ Yoo dooodds, So I'm gonna update you guys on the passed couple shows...on Wednsday we played Washington State University. Those kids are freaking crazy! Everyone seemed to be having a good time and we made some awesome new friends. I cannot stress enough, how cool the Sugarcult guys are. Which is really cool because I have been listening to those guys since 6th grade! Anyways before we played, matt thought it would be a good idea to have a fork and knife fight backstage...yeah it turned pretty ugly and we should have some footage online soon enough. That night we partied at 'The Christmas House'. Lets just say that I'm pretty sure alex made out with a dog...I really miss Hit The Lights :( Anways...we played Seattle after the college show and it was offf the hoooook. Everyone in the room was dancing and it got pretty redic. As soon as we told them the alex/dog story they went nuts. We met up with the Pink Spiders that night. We were nervous about that because we've heard some stuff...but for real those guys are the shit. There all super nice and we have no complaints about them. We have yet to tour with a band who we don't get along with (fingers crossed). We also heard that we may be doing a few shows with Cobra Starship in Dec, if that happends that would be sick. I'll keep you guys updated. Someone made us a bucket of the craziest donuts ive ever seen at the portland show last night!! They were reallly good. Sorry for the lack of pics, I'll make sure my next post has more, its just hard to take good pics on a sidekick :). Talk to you guys soon!!Jacko #3------------------------------------------------------------ Yo Babaayyss, Last nights show was off the hook! I love playing at The Boardwalk in orangevale calii. The crowd was as wild as usual and a bunch of kids were singing along. A lot of the same kids who saw us there on the Amber Pacific tour came back. Its always cool to see so many familiar faces,,,cough cough hint hint nudge...you get the idea folks! The next couple shows should be interesting...reno and vegas. I wont be able to gamble but at least ill be able to look at a lot of lights. We all have family comming out, so that should be exciting. I havent seen my brother and sister in ages and i know their gonna be wasted so that means they will be even more friendly :) Also Meg n Dia join up in vegas which is sick, SO SIKED FOR THAT!!! We met them on warped and their super nice. anyways i think its time, i go to In and Out because after this tour im not going to be able to go back for a while :( im going to eat there everyday twice a day until we leave Arizona. Ive attached pics from our set on the Epitaph stage at this years Bamboozle Left and also some pics of our acoustic set the 2nd day! Thanks to everyone who watched us either/both days :) love you peace peace n a bottle o' hair grease, jack #4------------------------------------------------------------ Wow...vegas has to be one of the strangest places on this earth. First of all we showed up in Reno (shity city) only to find that only sugarcults crew was there and the show probably wasnt going on. We were welcomed by a hooker in a pink tanktop and no teeth asking if we had any shirts we could give her...Thankfully we have power windows and middle fingers. Thankfully zack was asleep or he might have took her up on some of her offers...he's getting desperate you know..just kidding! Anyways we decided to hang out with sugarcults crew for a little then start the drive to vegas early since it was 8 house. We got to go over the Hoover Damn which was sweet. It's seriously Vegas Vacation all over again! Anyways, we got to vegas around midnight and it was a fantastic site! My bro and sis were staying at the MGM so thats where i headed. Rian to the Excalibur, Alex and Matt to the Venecian and Zack to the Luxor. We all split up and hung out with our fam for the evening. My brother took me around vegas and boyyy was it interesting. I was approached by numerous drunk people. It was basically like an Ocean City, Maryland for older people. It's just a place for adults to drink, walk around drunk, act like teenagers and maybe gamble a bit here n' there. it was Akward to say the least. Anyways the next day was the show at the House Of Blues at Mandalay Bay...probably one of the nicest venues we have ever played. We introduced ourselves to the Meg n Dia folks and got to know our new tour mates as we shared a dressing room. We soon found they are awesome people and they share a love for getting wild! The show was pretty cool, and the crowd was big. It was weird though because the merch was not in the venue, it was in the cassino haha. Anyways Vegas was an experience we wont forget, and I cant wait till we go there again. I hope the next time we go, were 21...actually nevermind because that would be three years :)stay rad, Jack #5------------------------------------------------------------ Lame! Tonight was our last show on the Sugarcult Tour featuring The Pink Spiders and Meg n Dia :( Damone will be taking our place on this great lineup. I am jelous that they get to join up! Anyways we made some lifetime friends on this tour and it was a great experience for everyone. Every single show was amazing and the fans never let us down. Traveling to bumfuck arizona and hearing a couple hundred kids sing your song is the coolest feeling ever. Sugarcult was very warming towards us and their personalities suprised the shit out of me. they were such cool guys and even when zack was sick they made him soup and gave him Emergen-C. WHO DOES THAT !?!? Thats like something my mom does...so in a way Sugarcult are our parents. They actually reffered to us as their younger brothers on stage. At the last show of the tour in Little Rock, Arkansas us and Meg n Dia ran on stage during "Bouncing Off the Walls" and started bouncing around and took over Tim's Guitar n Mic, Marko's (my twin) guitar and Airens Bass. It was so fun to bro down with a band that ive been listening to since middle school haha. Alex also got to soundcheck with sugarcult at Texas AM College because tim was at the hospital taking care of his sickness (i think he had a nasty cold). It was so crazy to see alex soundcheck with a band who for the past few years have held a special spot on my ipod and in my cd player :) I attached a pic of him sound-checking for fun. At the end of the show we said our goodbyes and gave our hugs. This is'nt the end of these friendships though, only the beggining...now we head home to write a new cd. Catch us on the road in the northeast in december when we head out with Cobra Starship! Stay safe, Jack

#2006 #blog #Jack Barakat #text #alternative press #all time low #sugarcult tour

[wtfdavidsvlogs]

Not here...Not now (D.D)

Warnings: talks of naked bodies, nudes, swearing, dirty talk, sexting,

Requested: Anon said

You're supposed to meet with David after work at his place and he's been so busy with work lately you've been getting impatient. You show up, he's not there. You text to see where he is. He says he had to film with Jason driving around cause Jasons memory card broke. Annoyed but feeling flirty you step out of your comfort zone and start sending him pictures.

Gif by: @allthesepurplelights

I was finally on my way home. Thank the Lord. I seriously couldn’t have gotten out of that office quicker. I work in a tax office as a receptionist. I know worlds most boring fucking job ever. But it pays very well and money is not boring. Anyway, I was finally on my way to Davids place because we had previously agreed to stay in and just hang out. The two of us. We’ve both so busy with our work that we set aside tonight for us. I stop the car in the driveway after being let into the gate. I grab my bag, jacket, and my keys and make my way inside. I unlock the glass door and proceed to take off my glossy heather grey heels. I hang my keys on the hook and carry my bag to lay it down on the pool table.

“David! I’m home, baby!” I said excitedly. I waited a couple seconds for a response from him and nothing.

“David?!” I yell again while walking around the house. Confused, I decide to text him asking where he is.

You: Where are u?

It took him a while to text back with an excuse. I don’t want to sound petty and jealous but we set this day aside specifically.

David❤️: Holy shit, baby! I’m so sorry. I totally forgot. I had to film with Jason cause his memory card broke. I’m coming back right now.

“Aw man!” I yelled into the empty house. I knew he’d try and get here as soon as possible but it sucked that he wasn’t now. He does everything for me I should just be glad that he is trying. Some guys don’t but he does. As I start to trap myself in thinking about amazing my boyfriend is, an idea passed through my frustrated mind. Maybe he isn’t here, but I can sure as hell make him wish he was. I’ve been with this kid for 3 years, I know what it takes to ya know...get things started. I grab one of his shirts and my black lace panties. I throw my hair up and go to the mirror with my phone in hand. An outfit like this is sure to drive him nuts. I lift up the side of the shirt closest to the mirror and lean on my one leg to make my ass look big. I snap the picture and send it his way. This is revenge. He can never control himself when it comes to me no matter the time or the place.

Davids Pov

I felt awful. I know how long she’s been looking forward to our night and I ruined it. I told Jason the situation and he understood. He started to drive me back home which we were thirty minutes away from. When I suddenly get a picture sent to me from Y/N. I open my phone to see her in the big mirror with my shirt on and black underwear on.

“Jesus Christ.” I said quietly while choking on my tongue. She was gonna torture me in the car, over text message, with Jason in the car. She knows exactly how to fuck with me in that way and she knows I can’t control what happens down there when that time comes. I bite my lip and look to Jason who is too focused on the road to notice this. My fingers fly across the keyboard.

You: 1 image attachment

David❤️: Baby, not here...not now

Your Pov

It was working. I had this idea to start sending videos of me slowly taking off articles of clothing. I pressed record while doing different poses and stuff I then proceed to take off my panties and drop them on the floor. This was gonna kill him inside. But it wasn’t done there. I sent the video and felt absolutely no regret.

David pov

A video?! God this girl was trying to get me killed. I opened it while scooting a bit further back and raising my phone closer to my face. I press play and see her in the mirror still doing different poses amd she then uses one hand to remove her underwear and drop them on the ground. My jaw is practically on the floor. I watch the 9 second video over and over again to make sure what I’m seeing is real. I throw my head back whispering curse words to myself. I look back to my keyboard. This was starting and I couldn’t stop it.

David❤️: Stop. Now. I’m in a small car with Jason right now.

You: I bet this is killing you inside and you haven’t even seen me yet..

You: Dirty thoughts

She decided to send a video holding up the shirt passed her uncovered boobs. Exposing herself to me completely. I took a sip of water now sweat was running down places trying to keep myself contained. Oh my god this little bitch took it all off. She twirled around and shook her ass and ran off camera.

Your pov

I think I got my point across. In the last video I decided to shake my ass at the camera a little bit because David is and always has been, an ass man. That for sure drove him over the edge. I put my clothes back on because Davids guys friends would be arriving any second. I invited them over so that when David did get home he wouldn’t be able to get his hands on me. That would be the ultimate tease. A picture with these guys in mirror I was just naked in. I waited for them to arrive and literally in minutes they all did. I yelled hello and ushered them all inside. I greeted people and said hello to everyone. I suggested that we all take a picture in the mirror. I crouch down while the rest of them hold up peace signs or blessing positions. This was going to kill him.

Davids pov

One last picture I hoped. I open my phone to Y/N in the mirror with the guys. They had no idea what she was just doing. Now they are all going to be there when I get back so I will have to wait hours to get to her completely. She is the devil in an angels suit. She was the ultimate punisher. I inhale through my nose as we finally reached my house the driveway filled with cars. I walked in to all of the guys chilling and talking to one another some of them talking to Y/N. She gasped and got up slowly from her seat but came over to give me a kiss.

“Hi.” She said to me quietly. I looked at her up nd down. She looked like she had never done anything bad in her life. An innocent little snowflake but I was the only one that really knew how wrong that was. i touched her hip and pulled her a bit closer.

“I. Will deal with you later.” I growled in her ear. She shivered at the sound of me. Knowing I have that effect on her gives me such a power rush. She walks away from me swaying her hips back and forth in the process. God the things I was going to do to her. The night went on and we exchanged glances from time to time. When Zane was the last to leave Y/N shut the door behind him. I waited by sitting on the edge of the pool couch. She turned around and found me. She discarded her jacket.

“What now?” She said wrapping her arms around my neck. I stand up and I grab her ass so that she she can straddle me in the air. She wraps her little legs around me.

“Now, it’s my turn to tease you to death, and I won’t be going easy on you either.” I said into her ear. Her head leaned back as if she was gaining pleasure from me just talking to her like that.

“Is that a threat or a promise?” She said pecking my lips. I carry her into my room and throw her on the bed.

“You left me in a car trapped with Jason with all of these videos and pictures of you teasing me out of my mind which left me with the worst blue ball I’ve ever had and you have the audacity to ask me if I’m threatening you or promising this?” I said to her. She batted her thick lashes at me and looked up with her sparkling Y/E/C eyes. “Let’s just say...you’ll feel this tomorrow.”

Wow that took so much longer than I had originally thought. wow i hope you enjoyed anon!!

#david dobrik smut #david dobrik blurb #reader x david dobrik #david dobrik x reader #david dobrik fanfiction #david dobrik imagines #david dobrik imagine #davids vlogs #david dobrik #jason nash #zane hijazi

[svucarisiaddict]

can you do a nick one where the reader is a detective and she ends up in a hostage situation and the hostage taker puts the gun to her head and says something like “you love her. Don’t you?” To nick and he has to admit it

//This is so long! Sorry! I’m talking 2500+words…I get a bit carried away sometimes//

Soft light started filtering through the curtains waking you from your peaceful slumber. A heavy arm was over your body holding you in place which was fine and dandy with you. Mornings like this were few and far between for you and Nick so you were relishing every second.

“You awake?” Nick mumbled as he nuzzled his nose in your hair. His hand skimmed down your bare thigh. “Cause if your not. I’m about to give you a very rude awakening.”

“Hmmm…just how rude?” You shifted your hips to press back into Nick.

“Obscenely rude,” he replied.

“Oh, how I love Saturdays.”

Nick peppered kisses on your shoulder and down your arm while his hand traveled over your belly slowly making his way to the juncture between your thighs. Nick’s phone rang and buzzed on the nightstand. He groaned as he rolled away from you to answer. “Amaro. Got it Liv. I’ll be there in 20. No. It’s okay. I’ll call her. See ya.”

“How bad?” you asked as you sat on the side of the bed before standing and wrapping the sheet around you.

“Bad bad,” Nick answered. “Rape, homicide and hostage situation.” He pulled on his boxers and started redressing.

“Jesus. Guess that answers my next question about a shower. What time is it anyway?”

“Uh, just after 6am. You finish getting dressed. I’ll get the coffee going.” He rounded to your side of the bed and kissed your cheek. “Good morning by the way, .”

“It would’ve been a lot better if Liv hadn’t have called,” you grumbled.

Thirty minutes later you and Nick rolled up to the scene. Liv and Carisi were already there and Fin was pulling up at the same time as you.

“Mornin’ guys. Didn’t you wear that suit yesterday, Amaro? Dry cleaners closed or somthin’?” He smirked.

You hid a grin behind your coffee cup. Fin knew about you and Nick but put on that he didn’t. You had a pretty great partner in Fin. Usually, Nick had an extra suit at your place. Unfortunately, the suit he had on was extra from when he stayed the previous night.

Nick nodded his head. “Yeah. Something like that.”

The three of you reached Liv and Carisi to get a briefing on the situation at hand. She gave you a quick rundown. A man followed his ex and her new boyfriend home. Raped her, killed the new boyfriend and was now holding her and her roommate hostage.

“Hey, Nick. Is that the same suit from yesterday?” Sonny asked as the group walked to the mobile command.

“Shut up, Carisi,” Nick said.

“Sorry, Sarge,” Sonny replied.

Liv eyed you and Nick but didn’t comment. “Well now that we’ve all acknowledged that Nick is wearing the same suit he did yesterday can we please get back to the case?” She gave pointed looks to you and Nick. “Okay, guys name is Jake Malone.”

Your ears perked at the name. “The hostage taker? He early 30’s, tall, red hair?” you asked.

“Think you know him?” Fin asked.

“Possibly. An old roommate had a brother by that name. Probably a coincidence,” you concluded.

“Here is his picture,” Liv said as she passed you the tablet she had in he hand.

“It is him. Holy shit,” you mumbled. Something in his eyes was different. He was always happy, the life of the party, his eyes bright, but now they just looked sad. “Has anyone made contact with him?”

“Just one phone call from the negotiator but he hung up,” Liv informed you.

“Let me talk to him. Maybe if it’s someone he knows he’ll be more open to talking,” you suggested.

“You’re not going in there,” Nick blurted out. “Too dangerous. Even more so because he knows you.”

Everyone’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at Nick’s outburst. Except for you. Right now you were shooting him daggers. Smooth, Nick. Real smooth. “Who do you think you are? Last I checked I could make my own decisions,” you snapped.

Nick pointed a finger in the air at you. “I’m your sergeant and your-” Nick stopped his speech right before he outed the two of you the squad, half the ESU and negotiations. “I’ll go. I doubt he wants to talk to a woman right now since he feels like he was screwed over by one.”

“You may be my sergeant but Liv has final say.” Crossing your hand over your chest you turned your attention to her. “So. Do you think I can handle it?”

She stood silent for a moment no doubt replaying the interaction that you and Nick just had. Liv looked between you and Nick. “Get your vest on,” she directed you.

“Your alpha male is showing,” you said in passing. You made it a point to shoulder check him.

“Really mature,” he mumbled.

“Fin you stay close to her, but out of sight,” Liv ordered.

“On it,” Fin replied. He jogged to catch up with you. “Trouble in paradise?” he asked you.

You looked around to be sure no one could hear you. “It’s like all of a sudden he sees me like some fragile porcelain doll,” you answered. “Drives me nuts.”

“He sees as more than a fellow cop now. The dynamic of your relationship has changed. Nick has always been protective but now that you two are…well together that protectiveness just went into overdrive,” Fin explained.

“You ready? We got him on the phone.” The negotiator said.

You nodded and took the phone as he passed it to you. “Jake? It’s Y/F/N Y/L/N. I’d like to come up and talk with you if that’s okay?” He repeated your name then was silent. He finally agreed but only without a gun and you had to come alone. “That’s not a problem, Jake. I’m giving my gun to my partner right now.” You unholstered your gun handing it over to Fin.

When Nick saw what you were doing he shook his head and started stalking toward you. You halted him with one look. He clenched his jaw but stayed put.

The walk up the five flights of stairs felt like it took forever. When you reached the apartment you rapped on the door. A woman opened the door with the chain attached. “I’m Y/N.” The door closed and you heard the chain slide open. You were ushered in quickly. The woman that opened the seemed unharmed physically but she was terrified. Her eyes were big as she opened the door. “What’s your name?” you asked the brunette.

“Tori,” she said.

“It’s okay, Tori. I’m gonna get you out of here,” you said in a calm voice.

Holding your hands up you made eye contact with Jake. It had been a couple years that you had seen him. His eyes were haunted.

He blinked rapidly and shook his head. “Y/N? I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did it,” he said in a shaky voice. His arm was around her neck with a gun pushed to her head.

“Cause you’re a psycho. I should have known as soon as we started dating,” the blonde said. Must be the ex, Mandy.

This was your opportunity, a little role reversal. “Okay, Mandy. What did you do him?”

The look she gave you could kill. After a beat, she understood what you were trying to do. “I-I had a miscarriage, cheated on him,” she stammered.  “I’m so sorry, Jake. It was wrong.”

“Too late for apologies. Our baby is gone. Maybe you should have thought about that before you became a slut,” he spat.

“I’m sorry you have to go through that. That was a horrible thing to do,” you empathized.

He lowered the gun. “I just want to be happy again,” he said.

“I know you do. What you went through, I can’t imagine.” You bite your bottom lip then took a deep breath. “Why don’t let these two go. So we can sit and talk,” you suggested.

His phone started ringing. “That will be my lieutenant. She wants to help get everyone out safely,” you stated.

He never broke eye contact with you as he answered the phone. “Hello? They’re fine. No. No. I won’t do that.” He took a deep breath then pushed on the screen of the phone setting it on a nearby table. “Tell him you are okay. He doesn’t believe me.”

“This is Sargeant Amaro. How is everyone?”

Fucking Nick. “We’re fine, Sergeant. Jake is calm. We’re talking.” The other women chimed in saying they were fine. “We were talking. Jake is going to let Tori go. Right, Jake?”

Jake put his hand to his head. “I dunno.”

“If you cooperate with them, they work with you, Jake,” you reminded him.

“Go. Fucking go.”

“Tori. Head out, slowly.” She nodded her head in acknowledgment. You breathed a sigh of relief when she got out the door. “Tori is coming down now.”

“Thank you-” Nick was saying but Jake ended the call.

Mandy tried to squirm out of his grasp. “Not you,” he said and tightened his arm around her neck.

“Please, Jake. I’m sorry. I-I want to come back. I was stupid-” she begged before she was cut off by Jake.

“You really think I want you back? A cheating whore?” he said with disgust. “I want someone that will stay loyal, honest…”

You knew ESU had cameras, mics, snipers in place by this time. It’s what I want too. Hard to find it these days. Seems all anyone wants is a roll in the hay, then see ya later.”

Jake eyed you skeptically. “Yeah. Or they act like they want to be with you but don’t actually make the commitment.”

You smiled. “You really seem to get me. Why didn’t we talk more when I and your sister were roommates?”

He actually gave you a smile. “I was too shy. You were older and just seemed out of my league.” Jake started loosening his grip on Mandy. “Do-do you have a boyfriend?”

“I really wouldn’t call him that,” you scoffed. “Probably using me like every other man has. Guess I’ll take what I can get. It’s really all I deserve.” Looking up at him through your lashes you said, “makes me wonder if there are any good guys left out there.”

“Those are boys. Men don’t treat women like that,” Jake stated. “You deserve better than whoever it is you’re with right now.”

“You’re right.” Taking a couple cautious steps toward Jake you said, “let Mandy go. Me and you, we need to be alone. Talk.”

The phone rang again. “Answer it,” he directed. “On speaker.”

Slowly you reached for the phone. “This is Detective Y/L/N.”

“This is Lieutenant Benson. Is Jake able to talk?” she asked.

“He’s here, Liv.” You nodded at Jake.

“Hello?” he said.

“I want to thank you for letting Tori go. What can we do for you?”

Jake looked to you. “It’s okay. Liv is a good person. She’ll help you,” you insisted.

“Nothing you can give me,” he said.

“How about you let Mandy go? We’ll help you get out safe,” she offered.

“I can stay with him. He doesn’t want to be alone,” you said. You could hear Nick in the background swearing and saying no way. Liv covered the speaker to block Nick. Once he had either calmed down or moved away she came back on the phone.

“Can you do that? Can you let Mandy go and Y/N can stay?” Liv asked.

Jake furrowed his brow. The hand holding the gun clenched around the handle and released. He was contemplating his choices. Jake nodded quickly.

You let out breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Liv? Mandy is on her way.”

“Great. That’s great, Jake. Thank you for working with us,” Liv said.

Mandy slowly slipped out of Jake’s arm. She cautiously walked to the door, her eyes flicking from you back to Jake. You heard the door the door open then click shut in short succession. Just you and Jake. Your mind raced with thoughts of how you were going to get out of this one. “Why don’t we sit?” you said.

Jake took a seat on the couch then gestured you to join him. “Tell me. This guy you’re with, do you work with him?”

“I do. Which was a bad decision right out of the block. I thought he may be different but…” you sighed. The things you were telling Jake were real feelings. Fin tried to talk you out of getting involved. But by the time he had found out you were in too deep with Nick. The scary part was you had fallen in love with Nick months ago.

“You love him?” he asked.

It wasn’t a question you had expected. “Yeah. Pretty sure he doesn’t feel the same. Unrequited love has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.”

A commotion at the door startled both you and Jake. Nick came busting through the door. Jake grabbed you and put the gun at your side. “Who the hell are you?” he screamed.

“Sargeant Amaro. Put the gun down, Jake!” Nick warned. He turned his eyes to you, clearly afraid. He mouthed “I’m sorry.”

“It’s you. Isn’t it? The one that has been playing Y/N,” Jake challenged.

“I’m not playing her. I love her,” Nick said softly. His eyes shifted to yours.

The next thing you knew Jake was on the floor holding his knee. The sniper finally had a clean shot. Nick rushed over and kicked the gun from Jake’s reach. ESU burst through the doors as Nick was cuffing him. Once he was taken out of the apartment by ESU it was just you and Nick.

Nick took your hand to lead you out the door. “Let’s get you checked out by the EMT’s”

“I’m fine-”

Nick sighed then mumbled. “Can’t you ever do anything you’re told?”

“Now what fun would that be?” you joked.

Nick waited for you until you got the all clear from the paramedics. He put his arm around your shoulders as you walked to the car. “I want to talk about earlier when I said I love you-”

“It’s okay, Nick. I know you said it because there was a gun held on me,” you gave him a tight smile. “I get it. Going through a divorce-”

Nick stopped and grasped your shoulders. “I love you, Y/N,” Nick interrupted you this time. He didn’t give you time to say anything as he leaned over and kissed you. Like a reflex, his arms encircled your body and yours wrapped around his neck.

Cheers, claps, and whistling made the two of you stop and giggle. When you turned Liv was the first person you saw. She had her fingers between her lips eliciting a high pitched whistle.

“Bout time!” Fin called.

Sonny was clapping and smiling wide.

“I think we have everyone’s approval,” Nick said with a beaming smile.

“Seems so.” You put your hand on Nick’s chest. “ I love you too, Nick.” This time you stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss much to the delight of the audience.

#nick amaro #nick amaro x reader #law and order svu #detectives in love

[ramimalekspice]

Hearts Desire, part 1.

Darcie is an outspoken, funny and lovely young lady that just wants to be loved. She might have a slight obsession with Rami Malek and she might just get the perfect chance to let him know this... This will be a 10 part story, hope you enjoy

Darcie's POV:

My alarm has gone off for the 3rd time and I’m honestly debating whether I really need this job or not; I hate working in retail. After hearing my mum yell up the stairs “get up Darcie! You’re not losing this bloody job!”, I was up like a flash, I wiped my eyes to appear more awake and ran down stairs “mum, I was awake the whole time, I was tidying my room..” I explain, fairly convincingly if I do say so myself! My mum smirks and shakes her head, “go and get dressed you!” She jokes. Mum gave me a lift to work after I made her feel guilty for trying to make me walk in the rain.. oh how I hate the British weather. It’s July, it should be warm! Work drags and customers are just as shitty to me as normal. I really hate working in a cinema. When I applied for the job, it seemed like a good idea! You wouldn’t believe the things people complain about and the stupid questions they ask. I have a habit of staring at the clock when it’s close to the end of my shift, 10 minutes then I’m out of this hell hole. “Excuse me... hello.. Darcie is it?” I slowly drift out of my day dream (rudely interrupted by a customer.. they always come over at the wrong times) “huh? Sorry! I was-“, “you were staring into space, anyway, can I have a popcorn and drink?” They sharply interrupt (again). This is another question that grinds my gears.. be more specific!! A drink and a popcorn?? What flavour? What size? What drink?, I keep calm “of course, what size and flavour popcorn?”, “I’ll have a medium plain please”.. plain popcorn? For real?.. “we don’t sell plain popcorn, it’s sweet or salted” they huff and settle on a salted popcorn and Diet Coke. As soon as the customer leaves, i throw my hat off and dart out the door (after asking my manager to leave first, obviously). My mum was outside ready to pick me up, she jumped out the car when she saw me, excitement flushed through her body, oh my god, what is she doing, she’s so embarrassing, “Darcie! Darcie! You’re not going to believe it!” She’s running towards me, people passing by stop in their tracks to observe my insane mother running towards me, noticing lots of eyes on me, I shyly look away and pretend she’s not talking to me as they walk past, “mum! Please stop!” I say through gritted teeth. She takes it as a joke, it wasn’t a joke, I’m humiliated. Laughing and out of breathe from running 100 meters from her car, that isn’t even in a parking space, she bumps into me, holding her phone out. “Look Darc, look! Look who I met!” She hands me her phone with a picture of her and RAMI MALEK at a tube station! “No fricking way!!!” I gasp. “He was so nice! I didn’t even recognise him at first, I didn’t have my glasses on, then he got closer and it clicked! I have so much to tell you, get in the car” she squeals. As we make our way back home, we sit in silence for a few seconds (literally a few seconds) before mum nearly bursts “okay so I was going to surprise you but I can’t, I need to tell you!”, “tell me what mum? You’re scaring me” a nervous spike shoots through my body, I feel a sudden sickness wash over me, I don’t know why. “So, long story short, Rami is at our house..” She blurts out, “no way, mum, what? How? Why? When? I don’t believe you!” I start to feel seriously sick, like a good sick... a bit of background on me by the way.. so I’m 22, my names Darcie (as I’m sure you’ve realised), I live in London and I’m slightly, ever so slightly, obsessed with Rami Malek! Anyway, we pull into the drive, I really start to freak out, mum still hasn’t given me any context as to why he’s at MY house. I walk through the front hallway, into the kitchen and see the back of Rami’s head sat at the dining room table, he turns around to the sound of me gasping loudly, I put my hands over my face as a tear escapes my eye, Adrenalin shoots through my body like a bullet and I start to shake. “Ahhh, nooo, don’t cry! Hey, hey, stop that!” He says sympathetically as he stands up and walks over to me, he wraps me in a tight hug and strokes my hair, he smells so good and it’s definitely the best hug I’ve ever received. He pulls away and wipes the tears from my eyes, he shakes my hand “I’m Rami, it’s nice to meet you Darcie” I shake his hand and wipe my eyes “I can’t believe it’s you” is all I can say, no other words come to mind. “Why are you here” I ask, still crying, “I can go?” He says in a sad tone “no! Oh my god no! That’s not what I meant” I say, panicking, he looks up and winks at me, he starts to laugh at the fact he scared me. “So why are you here then?” I ask, “So, I was having brunch at a café by myself as my other cast mates are with family, then your lovely mum came over and told me all about you and how much love Mr robot, she was very friendly and offered to make me some of her famous curry! And well, it’s my day off tomorrow so I thought tonight would be a good night!” He laughed, knowing it sounded crazy. I’m still in shock, he looks even better in person, I’m freaking out, this must be a dream, what do I say? what do I do? This is insane. “why don't you give Rami a tour Darc?” Mum clearly wanted us out of the kitchen while she prepared dinner. I motioned for Rami to follow.

Rami’s POV:

Wow, Darcie is beautiful, I actually feel a bit nervous, I hope I'm not blushing. I can’t get over how lovely her mum is, I definitely made the right decision to come and try her food, even if it is crazy! I miss my mums cooking and something about Darcie’s mum made me feel at home. The boys are going to laugh so much when I tell them about this. I wonder how old she is, oh god, I hope she’s not under 21. “so this is your room? nice, your bed looks really comfy!” I say before diving on it, she comes over and sits next to me, “so, Rami, not gunna lie, I'm super nervous and I still cant believe you're in my house, if I say anything stupid, please ignore me because-” I cut her off, “Darcie, calm down, honestly, I'm human too, I mean, I know I'm pretty great but you don't need to be nervous around me” I wink, she blushes (I must be doing something right). Why do I have the urge to stroke her hair? this is such a weird feeling.

Darcie's POV:

He’s literally laying on my bed, this is just nuts, I think he's flirting but he's an actor, her probably acts like this with everyone, I have so many questions, where do I start? I don't want to bore him with questions he's heard a million times... he’s literally staring into my eyes, I look back into his as he starts to lean closer, terrified that I'm getting the wrong idea, I quickly jump up and grab an ornament from my dressing table, “look, its a mini you! its a little Elliot!“ oh no, why am I showing him my Mr Robot stuff, he’s going to think I'm just a crazy, weird super fan (which I am, but I don't want him to know that). He laughs and leans his head back as if he's a little disappointed  that he tried to make a move and kind of got rejected. “sorry, you think I'm weird, don't you” I bite my lip and look down at the floor, “no, of course I don't, I have that exact figure in my house.. so if anyone is weird, I am, for having an ornament of myself” he laughs, making me laugh too, I fall back onto the bed and sit up against the head board. I grab the TV remote and switch to amazon prime, “you’re not..” he looks me dead in the eyes “oh, yes I am!” I smirk and put the first episode of Mr Robot on, Rami covers his eyes and lays down on the pillow, “don’t make me watch myself in front of you, it’s so awkward” he complains, he leans over and buries his head beside my leg, I flinch as his curly hair brushes against my outer thigh, I have the sudden urge to run my fingers through his perfect hair, I hesitate before I pathetically pat his head “hey, it’s a great show! don't be embarrassed”.

Rami’s POV:

Don’t get me wrong, I'm so proud of Mr Robot but watching it back with other people makes me uncomfortable, Darcie's not to know though and I'm quite enjoying being this close to her. I lift my head up to examine her gorgeous face but as I do, she’s already staring at me, we both laugh awkwardly then she looks away, “ you’re really pretty by the way” I confess, trying not to scare her off. She blushes and pushes my chest “stop! I'm not!” she says, trying not to laugh. I just smile then sit back up to see myself on the screen, super close up, it makes me cringe big time but its nice to watch her watching it and enjoying it. We both look at each other again, I start to slowly move closer “Darc, Rami, dinner’s ready!!” mum shouts up the stairs. We both sigh at my second failed attempt to kiss her, she starts to stand up, I grab her arm gently and pull her back “hey, what are you doing?” she laughs. I pull her closer and peck her on the lips, as I pull away I smile broadly at her.

Darcie’s POV:

“Sorry, I've wanted to do that since I first saw you walk through the door” he says in a lower and sexier voice, it sends shivers down my spine, that good sickness feeling returns, I cant believe he's even remotely interested in me. we stay looking into each others eyes for a moment longer “Darcie! are you coming?!” mum shouts again. We break eye contact as Rami climbs off the bed, he walks round to me, stood in front of me, he strokes my cheek, I sink into his touch, “maybe you could give me a tour of London after dinner?” he suggests. “Rami, you do know how big London is, right?” he laughs and scruffs my hair, “alright, cheeky”, he grabs my hands and pulls me up.

#rami malek #rami malek smut #rami malek fluff #rami malek fanfic

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering 

#yolanda talks #stories are much simpler. stories make sense and nothing complicates the narrative. but shits happen in life and things dont make sense #and you have to deal with it??? all the shit about yourself that makes sense? all that shit makes for shitty stories? #lmao............

[omgsuperstarg]

Night to Remember(BTS)

Book: Kpop Heaven- One-Shots and Imagines

A/N: This is in honour of a historic win last night and will go down in Billboard and Kpop History!!!! #congratsBTS

It was a long drive but we finally made it to Las Vegas for the Billboard Music Awards. I'm here with my friends/ ARMY sistas Aubriel and Talia to see our boys BTS on the magenta carpet. Its already noon and the sun was already baking us alive but we didn't care, we were all here to see the Bangtan Boys in their shining moment. There were already alot of ARMYs already waiting and to pass the time we talked, laughed, fangirled and blast BTS songs until they came.

(Y/N's) POV

"OMG I hope Rap Monster notices me, i think i would die if he does!!!", I say to Talia as she hugs me.

" I still cant believe they're here, it feels like a dream" , Aubriel says while she dreamily sighs and holds onto her wings album.

It's almost time for the show to start and the crowd is going nuts. Celebrities everywhere and cameras flashing non-stop. Even some interviewers from the entertainment news outlets came and recorded the crowd, we already knew that the all videos would be viral the next day. As I look out into the distance I see a face that I instantly recognize and then I just started to chant

"Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoesok, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, Jeon Jungkook..............BTS" , in a loud voice and then my friends joining in and then the entire crowd was in on it.

  It was so magnetic even the celebrities started to watch and nod their heads to the fanchant. It was a dream come true, cameras were flashing taking our pictures and even the major celebrities were on their phones recording our way of showing love for this group but who knew in that moment that BTS would even notice us.

Rap Monster's POV

" Hyung I still cant believe were here. It feels like a dream come true" V says while giving me a hug. It was in that moment I heard my name, then V's, Suga's well the entire band. So all of decided to follow the fanchant and thats where we saw it. American ARMY's supporting us. Its was all so beautiful and what I noticed the most was 3 gorgeous ARMYs leading so I decided to give them a little surprise.

(y/n's) pov

While I was doing the fanchant with my friends and my sistas behind me I just see the Bangtan boys walking to the direction of the barricade and I never stopped cheering and it was in that moment I was at a loss for words.

"Who was doing the fanchant?", the ever adorable Kim Namjoon asks with his dimple smile showing.

My two best friends point at me and I brought them both together in hug.

"we were Namjoon-sii" , we said smiling.

Then they asked us the most improtant question for any kpop fan in general'

"Whose your bais?!" , they all shouted in unison

"Junkook!!" , Aubriel shouted at the top of her lungs.

"V" , Talia said while looking shyly at Kim Taehyung.

Now all the members were looking to me and my heart was pounding like a timpani drum and then I broke the slience by saying Namjoon; I looked down to my bracelets which I was wearing on my wrist being all shy. My head was then lifited and I looked at Rap Monster in the eye. I also noticed that all the photographers were taking pictures of this one moment even the celebrities were holding their breath to see to see what the korean males would do for their fans. Namjoon removes the barricade, takes my hand and pulls me out.

"How would you like to be my date to the Billboard Music Awards", He asks smiling at me. Right about now the crowd was going billistic and aweing at the cute moment.

"I would love to.", I reply smiling.

With those words being said all three of us along with BTS went inside to see the show.

" You guys do know were're gonna be viral tomorrow!!!!!!!!!"

We all screamed and we all had a great time; but all great things must end and there was an award to be won. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and that was it, BTS won their first major American music award. All three of us screamed and hugged each other and the boys. Namjoon hugged me so tight that I almost couldn't breathe and then he kissed me on the cheek.

In the end I had a great night with my best friends and the group of my dreams, nothing could get better than that.

" Thank you Namjoon -ssi, I had an amazing time with you and the guys,but everything expires and this night is no exception. You made me feel amazing for one night; I just wished it didn't have to end.

"Maybe not',and with that he kissed me. I felt like I was cloud nine and a dream I never wanted to wake up from. Air decided to be a nusiance so we parted. I pinched his cheek and I saw his famous dimple smile. I decided to take a selfie for my memories of one great night. He took my phone from my hands and turned around to do something and then handed it back. Being Rap Monster he walks away like the boss he is.

Later that night

1 New Text

Your Rap Monster😎👑🇰🇷 :Night gorgeous, thank u for supporting me and the boys!!

You: How the fudge did you get my number?!?!!??!

Your Rap Monster😎👑🇰🇷 : Secret babe, plus your friends gave it to me.

You:*smiles* Night Mr. Billboard chart topper oppa!!😘

Your Rap Monster😎👑🇰🇷 : Night jagiya💋🤤

Well my dream came true tonight, plus our encounter on the magenta carpet was all over the internet and everyone was shipping us

#BTS #bts army #imagine #bts one shots #kpop

[deadmanzp]

aftg asks; questions by triquetrine

these are so interesting so i did all of them.. i want to come back after a year and see if id still answer the same! 

op is the post before this or also tagged “misc” 

neil josten: favorite/most iconic line?

first one that comes to mind I’m not sure is a favorite or iconic line? but it’s a line i think about a lot and it always hurts to read. it’s when they're at the cabin in TKM. 

“He didn’t care how much it hurt so long as he could pull Andrew closer, and he let Andrew take him apart until he couldn’t think anymore.”

that comes at the very end of Chapter 14 and gosh just the paragraph that line comes from and the paragraph before…. the fact neil thinks andrew doesnt care about him the way he cares/feels about andrew is like….. CMON MAN but also i just love the pining angst of it. i like this line especially because the line right before it mentions neil working his “bandaged fingers into Andrew’s hair”. so the “he didnt care how much it hurt” to me always carried a double meaning of 1. the physical pain he felt bc of his injuries but also 2. the pain of unfamiliarity abt his feelings towards andrew and thinking it was unreciprocal AND THAT HED HAVE TO “WARN” ANDREW like the implication.. of neil thinking abt their “relationship” possibly ending bc andrew doesnt feel the same and maybe wouldnt want to be entangled in whatever neil was feeling …… IM LIKE neil knows andrew so well and him being so sure abt this but hes like …. WRONG …. e

nathaniel wesninski: one thing you would change about the books? (plot, characters, etc)

there is very little id change about the books if at all. mainly bc while i know there are upsetting things that happen/the charas do, i think all of those things make the series really interesting to analyze and talk about. i will say a moment i hated was when neil touches andrews scars when andrew makes it clear he doesn't want neil to pry about them. i know neil offers his scars in turn when he's trying to convince andrew to let neil look over kevin but that was controlled. he let andrew touch them and find out about them of his own volition. neil touches something directly related to the trauma andrew had just experienced again when he had 0 permission to do so. while i always get mad at neil for this when i read it i still dont think id change it or get rid of it. im not really sure how id change it anyways and i think andrews relationship with his scars (and himself in general) is probably what allows him to brush it off(?)/never bring this up (plus maybe neil offering his scars was enough for andrew) but i havent thought too hard about this. but ya i remember i got rlly angry w neil the first time i read this scene and i still get mad abt it when i reread.

andrew minyard: if you could be friends with one of the characters, who would you pick?

i mean realistically i wouldnt be friends w jocks ILL BE REAL LOL and i think as much as i love the monsters, theres no way id be friends w them haha uhm but prob dan would be most realistic! maybe even katelyn tbh.. 

kevin day: if you played exy, what would your position be?

oh i think dealer! in sports i liked being able to do both defense and offense bc it made me feel i had more control over the field, like i could always do something if there were any holes

dan wilds: favorite moment/scene?

definitely the hotel reunion scene. theres so much to it; it drives me nuts!!!!! but honestly there are probably a lot of really good moments im forgetting. to me the whole series is really enjoyable and every scene has something i could say about it haha

matt boyd: song you would love to see in a live-action adaptation?

Oggghh this is so hard… esp since it takes place in 2007???? Idk.. iconic artists then i suppose ghfgkjhf BUT i think general vibes i think itd be so cool if paramore (time relevant), ptv (also time relevant), and mitski were on the soundtrack……. Ya…….. 

nicky hemmick: which made you more emotional, neil at evermore or neil in baltimore?

neil in baltimore for sure… neil at evermore i can't remember what i felt the first time i read it (maybe pain LOL bc he was doing it for andrew and i felt like riko wouldnt keep his promise) but in my latest reread i was unimpressed by it (mostly bc i think riko is boring and unimpressive). i think i mightve said evermore in the past though….. maybe... neil in baltimore is like … GOD neils emotions are so strong during all of that its really juicy haha. i think like him being angry bc he was on the cusp of having everything he couldve ever dreamed of; the desperation of wanting to fight back and get away; even just the fear of being in the same room as his father for the first time in so long... all really juicy 

aaron minyard: a character you will defend to your death?

defend…. im not sure is the word i would use and i dont think i really believe in defending any of these charas “to death” bc of how flawed and complex they are; id like to acknowledge when they did wrong. i think id “defend” any of the characters if i saw anyone misinterpreting or misunderstanding them.. theyre all really interesting even if they didnt get too much spotlight. except maybe riko. hes incredibly boring to me. and also nathan ig and any of his crew just bc there is Nothing abt them rlly...

katelyn: which minor character do you wish you could see more of?

uhhhmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm….. idk maybe… jeremy…. gjfjgkdngmdghs just bc him and kevin r so funny.. i was thinking maybe jean too but…… idk a diff kind of kevin relationship lol (yikes) (pain) but really im satisfied w jeans screen time. i think ichirou is interesting but again i think he didn't rlly need more. maybe erik actually. im interested to know what nicky is like with him :0

allison reynolds: favorite headcanon about the foxes?

actually something i recently thought abt was neil and photography. iirc? andrew gives neil a camera in the ec and i also imagine kevin eventually gets another camera too (i loved that detail when we saw his room at the nest) so i thought abt neil and kevin sharing/trading pics they take of (mainly) scenery. i imagine neil takes pics of anything he wants to remember/keep while kevin is more prone to taking pics of subjects related to some nerd history stuff (lol) so thats why they trade scenery pics mainly. but i like this small connection bc i want more to their relationship than their exy obsession and i imagine they have room for more now that riko is gone and i just like this other commonality btwn them. i think maybe they mail the developed pics to each other maybe w small descripts/notes but thats it. and i also imagine it kind of just is something that started happening.. neil and andrew r on a roadtrip and some building reminds neil of kevin so he snaps a pic and eventually sends it to kevin w some note. kevin replies 1. either a text being like that is nothing. > neil: shrugs brushes it off but figures he is welcome to send more when kevin sends his own picture back or 2. kevin simply replies back similarly w his own photo. i dont know.. maybe this goes beyond what their actual relationship would be like but i do like the idea of them just bein like… dude friends u know so i want them to have more than just exy and a traumatizing experience between them. 

as for common headcanons within the fanbase…. i do like the allison + neil haircuts thing.. although im not sure if i imagine it the same as most haha i feel neil would know how to cut his own hair from his life on the run (though theyre not Good or bad just like ok u know like passable generic w/e) i think hed definitely be tense the first couple times but he has experience w allison being close from needing to be covered up w make up after winter break so i think she would be allowed. 

renee walker: favorite non-canonical ship? (renison, jerejean, etc)

uhmm to be honest none really… im way too attached to canon to be able to dismiss any established relationships. i think kevemy (??? is that the name) is rlly amusing but i dont want them together necessarily haha i used to rlly like renison mainly bc im a lesbian and i want “main” chara wlw relationships lol but i recently read something abt how bi allison doesnt rlly sit well w some bc she outs andrew and neil during the hotel scene.. i also agree this is kinda :/ if she was bi Mainly bc i feel a lot of ppl (or at least this is what i gather from renison stuff ive seen) portray allison already being established bi? if this makes sense. i think if renison/allison realizing shes bi is a later development id feel better abt it but usually renison is already established so ya her outing them does bother me…. BUT aside from this, thinking about them as characters and what their partners (would) look like… im not sure if theyd rlly choose each other.. but i still enjoy seeing them together in art and in fic bc in the end…. im a sucker for women lol….

seth gordon: most underrated dynamic? (matt & neil, wymack & andrew, etc)

my first thought was wymack and andrew bc i rlllllyy like their dynamic especially after reading their ec stuff. i loved their first meeting (andrews terrible sandwich??!?fhdhfjd) and when andrew breaks into wymacks apartment BUT i think ppl mention them enough its not underrated. i Actually think renee and andrews dynamic/friendship is rlly underrated/overlooked!!! especially after reading the son nefes ec i love their dynamic a lot… 

some son nefes moments of them i liked:  tw // rape

renee convincing andrew to go with her to see matt after his trip to edens

how many knives do u carry / one more than u IS SO FUNNY and just andrews persistence abt fighting renee is also rlly funny to me

tw // rape : the moment when andrew asks renee if she killed her rapist/abuser that whole convo was good… 

their convo in the rain w their tea

i cant remember when this happens or rlly exaclty what was said but renee offers andrew something (some help??) and he says i dont need (w/e it was) and she says something along the lines of  i know but it wouldnt do any harm or SOMETHING like that.. i like this bc she acknowledges their abilities while showing shed still like to offer some help. im p sure she does this another time too (w neil???? or someone i cant remember maybe it was andrew again) and i remember liking it too. she has a way w words and talking (also seen in her convincing andrew to see matt)

BUT regardless of ec stuff i think their relationship/dynamic seen in the books is rlly good too. theres def enough to be intrigued by them and i always have been? so i'm reeeaallly happy son nefes exists i loved reading it..

david wymack: which ncaa team would you play for?

oh to be honest i dont rlly remember many of them but of the Three (ravens, foxes, trojans) prob trojans. i remember i even got them in a uquiz once… 

abby winfield: which character was the most realistically written?

first that came to mind was aaron actually.. i remember before when i didnt rlly like him or care abt him it was actually bc he was too “boring” to me. i always thought he had the most realistic reactions to things which is what made him boring to me amidst the ridiculousness of, well, everything in aftg lol… i still think he is really realistically written but now i dont think hes boring haha

besty dobson: how many times have you read the series?

fully i think…. only 3 times… i wish this were a higher count but i actually feel guilty everytime i try to reread it.

riko moriyama: coolest exy moment? (kevin’s last-minute point against the ravens, andrew shutting down the goal, etc)

uhhmm uhmm i def think kevin during the final game against the ravens…. hes so cool haha but i KNOW there were a lot of game moments that i thought were really cool so i cant rlly say…. oh also i love neil being defense in that game too rlly juicy wish i could pull up obscure moments bc i know i rlly enjoyed reading the games but terrible memory...

jeremy knox: which do you like reading more, domestic!foxes or chaotic!foxes?

uh i guess chaotic? not rlly sure exactly what that could entail but i do like… their chaos.. when they have fights and squabbles and stuff… this includes the high tension moments. ALTHOUGH i do like the tiny lines in the books when we see the monsters just doing like random basic everyday life stuff like playing video games or whatever. i like…. imagining them... fhdjfjshfjs… as for fic def chaos. i feel domestic is usually too softened….. 

jean moreau: favorite friendship?

oh i think this goes back to andrew and renee. but other than them… i do like neil and matts friendship.. though probably not the same as its typically portrayed 

#my own #misc

[teamkaiforever]

Fearless                - Part I

Kai Parker x Reader word count : 2 045 summary : Kai and Reader meet in NYC during the summer vacation. He falls in love with her but never tells her , and he is even more surprised at the end when he figures out who she really is. *gif by lightwoodxalec ____________________________ The beginning of June … Kai never imagined how good life can be. After he got his freedom , making a deal with Bonnie to siphon away the spell he put on her and Elena linking them together , he had spent the past 20 somewhat years travelling the world and experiencing the good life. He had the chance now and wasn’t planning on wasting it. Every year he lived in a different city , experiencing life to the fullest. This year he had decided to live in New York City and it was there where he met her. She was walking down the street , coffee to go from Starbucks in one hand and her phone in the other , not looking where she was going. Kai had been distracted himself with his phone in his hands as well. Its been years and he still loved social media as much as when he had first discovered it after getting out of 1994. “OH God , I am so sorry.” the girl apologised for bumping into him. Kai looked up from his phone meeting the girls eyes ready to scold her for not watching where she was going but instead he froze on the spot. She smiled nervously at him , pushing away a strand of hair from her face , only moments later realising she had spilled her coffee on her clothes. She was wearing black ripped in the knees skinny jeans , a white top with print (now covered with coffee stain) and a black / white plaid shirt. “Ugh … Now I have to go get a new one.” she muttered under her breath. “Why are you apologising ? It wasn’t your fault , not completely anyways.” Kai said smiling at her. He couldn’t put his finger on ‘why’ he liked her instantly but he did. There was something different about her. Kai took off his jacket giving it to her to cover up. “Here , take my jacket. It works with your outfit anyways…” “Thanks” she said awkwardly. “I’m Y/N by the way.” “Kai.” he said. “You know I live near by , sort of , you can come and change there , I am sure there will be at least one thing in my closet you can borrow…” Y/N shifted nervously on her feet shaking her head. “I shouldn’t … “ “I promise I am not some psycho or anything ..” he said finishing his sentence in his mind ‘not any more at least.’ Y/N nodded. “Oh-kay. Thanks.” They walked mostly in silence towards his apartment, navigating through small streets avoiding the large boulevards. “Are you from New York ?” she asked. “You seem to know this town very well. To me it just seems like a giant maze or something. It’s so easy to get lost here.” Kai walked quietly for a moment , feeling nervous all of the sudden. He had met many people during the past 2 decades but none of them were like her , he could just feel it. He never liked anyone and if anyone ever tried to stand in his way , that someone usually ended up a meal. “Um , no. Its a recent thing. I spend a lot of time travelling.” “Are you an actor or something ? You sure have the looks for it … and you look strangely familiar.” she trailed off. Kai glanced at her ,knowing for sure he’d recognise her if they had met before. Her long brown hair in waves and her big blue eyes just like all her features were unforgettable. They reached his apartment building and walked in , climbing to the 5th floor. “I don’t think so , no.” said Kai unlocking his apartment door , letting her walk inside first. “I’ll be right back. Any shirt colour preferences ? Girls usually have those about everything - clothes , shoes , ice cream , phone covers ….” Y/N laughed. “I am not like that. Whatever works for you , really.” “Oh-kay.” Kai disappeared into his bedroom for a few minutes before coming back with a couple of  t’-shirts in his hands. He gave them to her , pointing to his bedroom if she wanted to change in there. Y/N took the shirts and went inside , quickly pulling her top off before putting on one of the white shirts on. It was a little bigger for her but somehow worked , the soft material gently brushing on her skin. Y/N walked out with her stained top / plaid shirt in her hand , fixing her hair as she walked with the other. “Thank you … Kai , was it ? Its really nice of you to do all this but … I dont want to impose or bother you in any way.” she laughed nervously. “You are not bothering me in any way. Do you want some coffee or a bagel or coffee and a bagel ?” Kai got up quickly from the couch taking the clothes from her hands and heading for the laundry machine. He didn’t want her to leave , all he wanted was to spend a little more time with her. He couldn’t understand why , but he liked her instantly. Y/N smiled shaking her head. “I must be dreaming or something. No one is that nice.” she muttered to herself. Kai smiled to himself. If she only knew … “So what brings you to the big apple ? Job ? Family ? …. Boyfriend ?” he asked curious while pouring a cup of coffee for her , hoping it wasn’t the last option. “None of the above. It’s the summer vacation before my senior year in high school. Thanks.” she said taking the cup from Kai. “I just had to get away from my hometown. My parents were driving me nuts…asking questions ‘where are you going next year ; you cant put off the decision anymore’ and I just bailed without telling them.” she laughed nervously. “I was actually texting my dad when we bumped into each other … he was furious.” Kai suppressed a smile.” OH I know a thing or two about dads being furious…. Sure he’ll forgive you. Mine never did , then again I did something worse than running away…“ Y/N looked at him curious wondering what could Kai have done that had been so bad. He seemed beyond nice to her. Not many people would welcome a stranger into their home. Part of her wondered if she should’ve said ‘no’ to his offer instead but inexplicably she felt a connection to him , like they know each other from somewhere. They spent the rest of the day together talking. Later on Kai drove her back to her hotel , exchanging numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee the next day. He was charming , funny and his smile was enough to get her to fall for him. Being around him was as easy as breathing and Y/N liked him pretty much instantly. She wanted to get to know him more. Kai and Y/N spent most of the summer together. He even invited her to stay over at his apartment instead of spending money on a hotel , insisting she takes the bedroom after she had agreed to stay at his place. But the summer went by too fast… and Y/N had to leave to go back and finish her senior year. They spent their last day together in NYC at Central Park , walking around and talking. He watched her feed the ducks , chased her around the park , took pictures together. Kai even used his magic when she wasn’t looking making sure every detail of the day was perfect. “Where are you going ?” he asked , dropping her off at the bus station. In all their time together , the subject had never come up. They mostly talked , went for walks or bike rides or to the movies. Kai hadn’t even realised when he had fallen in love with her. Was it the time she crashed her bike and had a nasty fall resulting in a concussion or was it the time she had a nightmare and sneaked onto the couch with him into the middle of the night? He didn’t know , all he knew is for the first time ever he felt strong something for someone. “Virginia. A dusty old town called Mystic Falls.” she said. Kai froze on the spot. Of all places it had to be Mystic Falls. “My dad’s going to pick me up , don’t look so worried. Its a small town , nothing bad ever happens there. And ..  you can come visit me any time. In fact …” she said snatching his phone from his pocket.“That’s my address…OH and if my dad answers the door - do not tell him we lived together this summer. He is so annoyingly over protective , sometimes I just wish he never … Hey , are you OK ? You look all pale all of the sudden.” Kai was starring at the address Y/N had typed on his phone. He knew that address. It was the address of the Salvatore Boarding House which meant he knew who her parents were. How hadn’t it hit him earlier. She looked so much like her mother - her hair , her slim physique , except for the eyes - she had her father’s eyes. “Sorry , low blood sugar I guess… “ he said awkwardly , putting his phone back in her pocket before pulling her in for a hug.  Kai didn’t want to let go off her , knowing he’d probably never see her again. His heart broke at the thought and he felt his eyes water. “I’ll miss you Y/N. More than you can imagine… and I’ll never forget you or any moment we spent together. I’ll always remember you…” Y/N pulled away more confused than ever. “You are talking as if we’ll never see each other again. Its scaring me…  We will meet again.” she wiped a tear from his cheek. Kai never cried , he hated tears … she knew that much. Something must’ve gone wrong but she had no time to ask him about it then and there. The bus driver called out all passangers for Virginia and she had to go. “One more for the road?”  Y/N said waving her phone in the air. “Sure.” Kai said leaning in for their last selfie together. “You will send it to me right ? As a keepsake …” “Of course , just like I always do.” The bus driver called out again and Y/N gave him a kiss on the cheek and one last awkward hug before picking up her suitcase and heading towards the bus. “I’ll miss you more than words.” she said turning to take one last look at Kai. “I’ll miss you more.” he said smiling before wiping another tear from his cheek. Kai watched her get on the bus , waiting for the moment the vehicle disappeared from view before heading home , wishing he could change his past and be with her. There was no way her parents would agree for him to even look at her let alone let them be together. His phone buzzed and Kai quickly pulled it out of his pocket , taking a look at the screen - just as Y/N had promised , their last picture together was attached to her email along with a message.“See you soon , Malachai.” followed by a winky emoji.It took him a moment to realise he had never told her his full name. Kai turned around glancing at the bus in the distance with a mix of surprise and confusion on his face. “What … How .. ?!” Kai wanted .. no he needed to know , but he knew this conversation he’d have to have in person. He went back to his apartment quickly packing his things before going on the road again. This time … to Mystic Falls , after the girl who awoke something in him he never knew was there… After the girl he inexplicably and irrevocably fell in love with. _________________ MASTERLIST March / April 2017 MASTERLIST MAY 2017 ___________________

#fanfic : mine #kai parker #kai parker fluff #kai parker imagine #kai parker x reader #malachai parker #malachai parker imagine #malachai parker x reader #malachai parker fluf #tvd #the vampire diaries #vampire diaries #the vampire diaries imagines #the vampire diaries imagine #vampire diaries imagine #vampire diaries imagines #fanfic #fan fic #fanfiction #fiction #fan fiction #fan fic writing

[ecmlol]

“ my dads think I can’t keep a secret.”noah say

“ so you want to prove them wrong?”jude says

“ yes and I dont want to deal with my sister when it comes to our baby deal”noah say

“ are you afraid of her?”jude asked

“ I don’t like her being mad at me”noah say while thinking about his little sister.

Jude thinks about his sister being upset with him and it’s almost unbearable to him.

“ I can understand that”jude says

“ she’s all ready upset with us as it is.”noah says

“ true”jude says

“ I don’t want to deal with it “noah says

“ ok fine no baby talk with your side of our family got it” jude made a mental note.

“ thanks what about your dad?”noah asked

“ I don’t know”jude says

“ have you even thought about it?”noah asked

“Not really. He just started to act like my dad I don’t know what to say to him.”jude says

“ well seeing our dads seem to get along I doubt we should say anything to him either”noah suggest

“ good idea”jude thought

Jude’s phone rings.

“Can you answer it for me “jude say

“ sure” noah grabs the phone off the dash.

“It’s your dad”

“It is?”

“Hello”

“Noah hello”

“Hi how are you”

“I will be fine when I figure out what trouble my son in”

“ hi “jude say in a uneasy tone

“ Jude what’s going on?”Oscar demands

Jude pulls over because he wasn’t ready for this conversation.

“ Jude “Oscar demanded

“ Fine you want to know what my problem is ? Its . My brother my brother is the problem. Why didnt you tell me about him??”jude demanded

Oscar is silent for a moments.

“ well ?”

“ Brandon is different. His mind doesn’t function the same way. He didn’t know about you until recently either. He found all the newspapers article about you in my desk “.Oscar explains.

“ what do you mean different. Wait you kept ever article about me?”jude says

“He’s brilliant with no social skills. He’s a intervert. His therapist says he has a problem with showing and dealing with his emotions. He lives with me in my estate here in new York . He’s been missing for about 5 days. Did he find you?“ Oscar says ignoring all of Jude’s question.

“ he was raised by you of course he has problems with his emotions!” Jude said loudly rolling his eyes at Oscar ignoring his question.

“ he was in boarding school the same one eve was in actually “Oscar says

“ great he went to the school of nut jobs.” Noah say.

“ he can be reasonable most of the time and rather sweet if he’s around you long enough.”Oscar says

“I don’t understand ” Noah says

“ he’s skeedish and non confrontational. The problem is he has a slit personality.”

“ you cant be serious.”jude says

“ wow this is insane “noah says

“ his normal personal is artistic mild manners and creative nothing like you jude. He went to law school at 18.”

“ cooks? “noah asked

“ yes .paints draw colors whatever he get his hand on he turns it into a thing of art.” Oscar say.

Noah couldn’t help but to look at jude when Oscar says colors.

“ anything else?”

“ if he’s mad becareful Jude he can have a temper. He’ll call himself Kyle. Kyle is his way of protecting himself “Oscar explains

“ thanks for the heads up. I don’t have anymore siblings you have being hidden from me. Never mind two siblings are enough. “Jude says

“ have a safe Journey back to LA “

“ thank you “ noah say before he hangs up.

Jude is speechless.

“ wow is it me or is everything going to hell and a hand basket.”Noah ask

“ I’m starting to see why people like getting high on a regular basis”Jude says

“Because we would be laughing our ass off right about now and eating nachos.”noah say

“ exactly “jude say

Jude sighs and rubs his hand through his hair.

“ what’s wrong besides the obvious?” Noah said as he notices that Jude was not starting the car.

“ I guess I’m just mad that Oscar doesn’t know me at all!”jude says

“Hell I feel like I barely know you sometimes”noah says

“ well you have only been in my life for what almost a year.”jude say

“ yeah true

“ Oscar has had 28 years to know me big difference “jude says

“ oh ok.i feel like I’m missing something.”noah say

“ I’m more like my brother then he knows”jude say

“ oh the cooking and coloring thing?”noah asked. Noah wanted to say please tell me you don’t have split personality too.

“Yeah and I use to paint too”jude said

“You did?”noah asked

“ yes all of my paintings are in the attic “jude says

“Why?”noah asked

“ I didn’t want zero to see them”jude say

“ why?”noah asked

“ I wasnt sure what his reaction would have been.”jude says

“ so I could have taken you to a drink and painting date and you would have love it?”noah said

“ hey my birthday is in a few weeks remember that.”Jude saids

“ yes my libra baby “noah says smiling.

Jude sigh

“ when we get home you are going to show me all your hidden treasures . Painting porn and toys ok . All of it and I’ll bust out my box of goods when I move in.”noah say

“ box?”jude says with raised eye brows

“Yes box. I’m old enough to have dvd of porn.” Noah says proudly.

“ ok I don’t own any porn”

“ well you are from the digital age .”

Jude gets back on the highway .

“ yeah a few porn sites here and there”

“ I figured that much you had to have something to jerk off to when you where single”

“ is it me or is it weird we are talking about this now”jude asked

“I’m trying to get your mind off the madness go with it please”noah say

“ thank you”jude says

jude continues to drive.

“ so I was thinking of keeping the beard .”noah says trying to keep jude distracted.

“ you are?”jude -“asked

“ yeah I liking it what do you think?” noah say as he admires his beard in the mirror “

“ I like it even with all the grey what about you do you like the greys?”jude

“ even the grey. The grey reminds me that not everyone lives long enough to have them.”noah said

Jude squeezes noah hand because he knows he’s thinking about his dead ex

“You think Lionel will go for it?”jude asked

“ I doubt it “ noah say as he runs his hand over his beard.

“ I can hear her now. “ your not a lumberjack your a reporter “ noah says

“ she would say that or “I’m paying you to report not chop wood you can do that on your own time behind closed door” jude say

Noah starts to laugh.

Jude smile then reaches for Noah’s hand .

“ I love you so much.” Jude says

“ I love you too”noah say and kisses Jude’s hand.

For the rest of the trip they listen to the radio and and enjoyed each other’s company.

When they arrived to the airport noah cant help but to think that everything will change.

As they get out of the car noah stops and looks over at jude who is busy popping the trunk to get the bags out.

Noah decided to not say anything until they get out of security.

“ we need a plan.”noah says

“We do? I thought we had one”Jude said

“ not for your brother “noah says

“ then for what?”jude asked

“ us. I’m going to miss this the laid back I’m wearing hand washed underwear Jude.”

Jude’s not proud of that fact but he somehow thought he had underwear that was clean in his bag.

“ I’m not going to change mid flight.”jude says with a slight grin.

“ no but when we land the stress will be back and all the pressures of being a team owner will be staring you in the face again.”

“ every time I open my phone it was staring me in the face noah.I have been working off and on this whole time ”Jude say 

“I figured that much but you didn’t have any long meetings to go with it.”Noah says

“I just want to make sure we make time for each other during the season Jude.” Noah says

“Last season was a mess. We went for days without seeing each other.” Jude said sadly. 

“This season will be different ok we will make time for each other. We are going to have to with the baby coming.”Noah say

“Your right we do need to come up with a plan.”Jude says

“Promise me we will eat at least one meal a day together Jude.” Noah says as their taking a seat by the window to wait for their flight back to LA.

Jude joins him and sits back and sighs.

“That sounds like a plan.” Jude says

“So no matter how  busy we are we will find each other and eat and if that’s not possible I’m grabbing you and we are hijacking the elevator.”

“Why a elevator?”

“It has music and a dance floor.” Noah says

“Ah dancing. So we are taking your pops advice.”

“of course if you want. They have been together for over 40 years”Noah say proudly

“I guess if anyone knows how to keep a marriage together it would be them.”Jude says.

“Exactly” Noah says with a smile.

Noah and Jude have a 2 hour before there flight.

Jude’s phone rings

It’s patty

“ hi mom”

“ Jude my jude bear is gone!” Justice says in tears.

“Justice? What happened”

“I had to go potty and left him outside with mommy and the phone rang and it was gone when we came back how.I think he took it.”

“ who ?”

“Evil Jude” Justice said crying into the phone.

“ hey it’s ok. I’ll try any get it back for you.”

“ you will?”Justice asked

“ of course I’m sure I’ll catch him at some point.”jude

“ promise?”

“Can’t promise but I will try my best”

“Ok mommy wants to talk to you”

“Ok”

“ Jude honey?”

“ hey what’s wrong?”

“I’m just noticing things are missing I think he took some pictures.”

“ pictures? And a bear?”

“ yes”

“Weird”jude says

“ why cant he just knock on the door and introduce himself” patty says

“ are you sitting?”jude says

“ yes”

“ Brandon has two personalities.“

“ what?”

“ apparently he has a artsy side and a ruthless side.”

“Oh my this is my fault I shouldn’t have made the deal with Oscar . I just wanted to get him out of my life. I thought with all his money he would have given him the world “patty say

“Yeah apparently he is skeedish . I’m thinking he’s scared to actually face anyones.”

“ Jude this is awful”patty says

“ I know I feel bad for him.”

“I wish I know how to approach him with out making him run away.”patty say.

“ yeah I have thinking about that too..”

“ it odvious you talked to your father ask him for advice then call me back.”patty say before hanging up.

Jude sighs and shoves his phone in his pocket.He looks up and see noah smile at someone . He follows noah line aview. About 7 feet away there is a little girl the same complex as Noah with for little puffs on top of her head being held by Jude can only assume is her father. Jude have no idea how old she is but he knows she’s adorable.

“ she’s really cute don’t you think”noah asked

“ yeah she is”jude says

Jude notices the father just figured out who his daughter was ignoring him for. He gets their tickets and start to head over to their direction. A nother man walks up to him and joins him with Starbucks. One man is Asian and looks a little older and the other look man is young and white.

They take a seat across from jude and Noah .

They smile and start to bicker a little.

Noah and Jude look away.

“ so hows your mom?”noah asked

“ apparently Brandon is stealing pictures and children toys.”jude explains .

“ interesting “noah say

The little girl tosses her shoes in Jude’s and Noah direction.

“ I’m sorry she can be a little bossy when she trying to get someone attention.” The older man says

“Ollie just ask you know you want to ask”the younger man says

“ I’m not going to ask that”

“Are you guys together like husbands?”The younger man asked

“Yes we are married” noah says

“I told you she has gaydar Ollie”

“ gaydar?”jude whisper

Noah gives him a strange look along with the two dads.

“ excuse my husband he’s not fluent in gay as he is in other gay things.” Noah says with a laugh.

“Give me a second “jude say

“Seriously you don’t know what gaydar is”the younger man

“Don’t be a ass Connor “Ollie say

“ that’s when you can spot someone gay right?”jude says

“Right Jude”noah says

“ you sure he’s gay” Connor say

“ I promise he’s gay” noah say as he laughs and smiles at jude.

“So how long have you two been married “Ollie asked

“ 6 days you?” Noah says

“ wow newbies congrats “"Connor says

“ so what’s parenthood like “Noah asked

“Wow congratulations we have been married for two years“ Ollie say

“ poop a lot of poop” Connor says

“ come on Connor its more to it then dirty diapers. Connor and you know it.”

“ your right it is lots of crying too”Connor say

Ollie rolls his eyes

“ are you trying to get them to never have kids?”Ollie says

Ollie just shakes his head.

“ excuse him he like to forget the little things like how happy Annie is to see him everyday after work or her first time she laughed at him or how she loves to sleep on your chest while you work.”

“ ok fine that too don’t forget story time she lives for that.“ Connor says

“ she does” Ollie say

“ so you two thinking about rugrats already?”Connor asked

“ it was sorta a shotgun kind of thing but he didn’t know it” noah says

Jude looks like he was about to protest and then he thought about it then chuckles.

“ he’s right i didn’t thing about it like that.” Jude says

Connor keeps staring at Noah

Out of the blue Connor had to ask noah something.

“ have I meet you before?”Connor asked looking straight at Noah.

“ no I don’t think so.Are you a gamer ? Or play sports?”Noah says

“ wait wait your Noah that reporter that was in out with his boyfriend a couple a months ago”Oliver say as he looking through his phone to find it online.

“ hold Annie for a minute I can find it quicker “Ollie says as he hands over Annie to Connor.

Ollie pulls up the pictures and the article.

“Found it”Ollie says

Jude and Noah stay silent as the other couple founds the article.

Jude didn’t know what to think of being recognized.

“ yeah that’s us” noah say

“Man you guys must to avoid carb for weeks “Connor said

“ it was hard work getting in that great of shape” jude says

“ I’m sure”Ollie say trying not to stare at jude and Noah.

“ so what do you two do?”jude asked to get the attention off of them.

“ I’m a stay at home dad that does legal research when need.”Ollie says

“ I’m a civil rights attorney “

“ wow impressive “ noah says

“ I’m very proud of him”Ollie say as he smiles at Connor. Ollie tells them about the major Supreme Court ruling that Connor helped with a few years back.

“ wow that’s amazing if you are ever looking for a change in pace my organization could use talent like you”Jude says

“Really a job offer wow I’m flattered”Connor says

Noah was proud that jude seem to be social without being awkward.

Ollie was waiting for Connor to turn it down. He was proud of the work that Connor is doing at his job.

“Thank you but I’m doing a lot of good where I am” Connor say as he tried to juggle a wiggling Annie in his arm.

“ I totally understand.” Jude says as he takes out his wallet and hands Connor a business card.

“Da.da.da da”Annie say trying to get to Ollie.

“ oh I see how you are fine go “Connor blows a raspberry on her cheek and hands her back to Ollie .

“ don’t take it personal”Ollie say welcoming Annie back will open arms and kisses.

“ she is really cute!”noah say looking at her big brown eyes and brown hair and tan skin.

“ thank you.” Ollie and Connor says

“ do you mind me asking about her adoption. I’m sorry if that’s too personal “Jude asked out of the blue . Noah was surprised he asked but was happy he did.

“ we got luck my best friend got pregnant and she didn’t figure it out in time to do something about it so she gave the baby to us”Connor says

“Is it a open adoption then”noah asked

“She comes over all the time. “ Ollie says

“Does it work having the birth mom around all the time”noah asked

“ she’s like a reluctant aunt” ollie says

Connor shakes his head in agreement.

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Don't know what to do with myself. via /r/selfimprovement

Don't know what to do with myself.

Hi. I'm 21 and still in community college, but I did get my provisional admission to this university I wanted to transfer to. I work as a runner at Din Tai Fung and I'm supposed to make bank, but I don't really know yet because I'm a new employee. Headtitle question at the bottom

I think I've lived an okay-ish life, kind of. story time, skip to the end if you dont wanna read it I come from a Korean family, can't say I remember much of my childhood except mostly being beaten and yelled at. There were good times too, but they usually ended prettily shittily. Moved around a bunch, went to a lot of schools. I've dealt with a lot of abusive stuff from both parents, but I'm not going to talk about my mom because things have gotten better and she's still here for me(?). For some extreme stuff- my dad broke my brothers toes in elementary school. In my senior year, he threatened me at knifepoint and forced it into my hands and told me to stab my brother or he would stab me. Beatings from him were pretty bad, and it's not just belts and sticks bad. I played co-ed baseball in 5th grade, so bam, there was that too. He liked to throw chairs and literally flip tables when he was angry (hes a private construction worker, so he's pretty strong). Broke a lot of his phones throwing them at us, the wall, the floor, whatever. Ive had a lot of problems with my social affairs in highschool- anxiety, being cold, being short tempered, aggressive, violent, sharp tongued. I started warming up in senior year because of this girl I dated, which was a pretty big deal because gays are not allowed in this household. And well, im bi but its the same thing to them. Can't say that went too well, because my brother found out and blackmailed me in the situation we were living in. But who cares, because siblings hate each other right? Anyways, broke up with her, broke her heart, treated her poorly and whatever two years later we made up and was able to be friends again. Back to dad- he was usually never around for things like elementary grad, middle school grad, and highschool- my mom made him come, but he sure didn't seem happy about it. In highschool, he only laid down on his phone playi ng his shitty phone games. Doesnt talk to me, doesnt talk to my brother, doesnt talk to my mom. His routine: wake up, go to work, come home, phone games, eat, phone games, sleep. If you try to talk to him, he ignores you. If you press it, he'll give you some boring answer like "go away already".

Anywho, that abusive fuck was caught cheating. Had an affair with a client's sister. Sold the house we lived in, mom moved to Newark, him to San Leandro. Mom didnt want to deal with me, so I got the boot and lived wjth acquaintances in Hayward. Couldnt afford it, so mom told me to move to San Leandro with him. I moved in with my best friend helping me and we saw the evidence. Bambam, hello lady clothing and shit. I went apeshit nuts and he tried to convince me, then threatened that I would be in big trouble if i said anything. (Parents were separated but not divorced). Alright, ill keep my big mouth shut.

I worked for his "girlfriend" at her cafe in Berkeley. Why? Well, it was easy money and i needed it to keep up with my shitty coping habits- partying and party favors, mostly e. You dont have to deal with stress if youre always out partying.

Anywho, fast forward, skip a lot of details. Mom gets a phone call one day from mutual acquaintance saying dad is sick and asks her to bring him some food. Alright. So she does because she still cares, and finds out the truth. Calls me and demands me to come right now and unlock the door- note that this is a 40 minute drive. By the time i get there, theres hella police and a window is broken and theres hella shit going on. Things settled down but being my immature ass i scream at my parents for both being immature, and they shouldve just cut things clean. I yell at my dad for being a fuckhead and cheating, you didnt raise a liar but you are one. I yell at my mom for being irresponsible and breaking things. Police grabs my shoulder but i swipe it off and bam. Im on the floor, face into concrete, chipped teeth and i cant even see where my dog is. Tbh i was more worried that he ran off because he was still a puppy and i was holding him during this whole ordeal. My glasses got knocked off my face when those two officers fucking bodyslammed me into the ground. I'm 5ft4, i weighed like 130 at this time but im just a legit smol asian girl.

What happened next? Well yknow, i got arrested and sent to jail for assaulting a police officer, nbd. Sat there for a few hours, listening to some psycho making weird noises. Finally get some call saying that my mom was waiting for me, and she bailed me out. She was crying a lot and told me that my dad didnt even bat an eye as they took me away, that he smiled and tried to fix his goddamn broken window. I believe it too, because I saw that shitty smirk on his face when i got to the scene. My mom has a bit of an uncontrollable temper so she looks psycho when the other person was the wack one. This was in January 2017.

Skip forward to the next police thing. June 2017. My mom demands that i pack all my shit and move back, and she wants to go with me. I plead no, but what am i gonna do against her? Alright, we drive and she starts saying stuff about lying and calls the bitch a slut and homewrecker and stuff, dad gets up to stand inbetween and stuff. Tells her to move than basically shoves her across the living room towards the door. **insert hysteria and bam again, screaming and each other, his hands on her, me trying to squeeze my body in between them and get his hands off of her. Doesnt really work cos he turns on me, hits me away and goes back to beat her. My screaming doesnt really help either, but i try what I can to claw his arms off of her. Nooooo, bad idea, but better me than her. He grabs me and my head is locked into his elbow so I bite down, arm. Baaaad idea again, but its in self defense imo. Im just trying to help my mom. He p much beats me up into a pulp her, grabs my shirt all the way up and yikes thats embarassing. The struggle goes on and eventually its calm again because slutface is like "honey staph"- note: only words and no actions to get close, buuuut, it works. Me and mom move to my room and start removing all my weebshit from the walls. Mom is muttering and saying a bunch of bs for him to hear and he storms into the room because hes fucking triggered and start the violence again. Oh but this is where i do the fun thing- i lunge myself at him so im like on top of him but holy shit, he legit pulls me off of him and throws me against the wall cabinets, and two hand chokes me, with his knees on my chest. Mom starts screaming at him, claws his face and soon the police are here and shit. Bitch called the police, and this is where it gets more fucked up. I legally live here, its on my license. I came back to move out, so its okay for me to be here, because i came to pack my stuff and take whats mine. So why exactly did the police not believe me? Why did my mom get arrested for putting dumb scratches on his face when he beat us, with pictures - that day- to prove that he inflicted more wounds on us. We were just defending ourselves. He put his hands on us first. Anyways, that starts my worries cos im like. Im 20, but idk what to do. How do i find money to bail my mom out? How do i even do that in the first place? But i managed.

Anywho skip forward, jackass is no longer in my life, tho i have to deal with him through my brother from time to time. Parents officially divorced Feb 2018. I've lived with my mom, she bought a cafeteria for a little bit so I worked there. Things were really hard because my mom had a lot of pent up anger that she would take out on me. My brother moved out because he went to university so he didnt really have to deal with much. Im also the older child, so bam. Anyways, we fought a lot. A LOT LOT. Like apeshit crazylot. I took a lot of beatings. It was like the weekend before Christmas of 2017 where a took a huge beating and ran away from my problems by going to my now-ex's house. He offered me to move in with him and his family, so I did. I had the choice of going back to my moms lifestyle and attempt to make up, or trying to live a different life. I lived with him from like Christmas to March 2018. We started having a lot of problems because he regret inviting me, he wasnt ready to give up his personal space and I was done babysitting someone who was older than me. Doing his laundry, doing his dishes, cleaning his room. I was done with being bored, never going out, being ignored while he did the same thing my dad did. Sit on his phone and not speak a word. Yeah, there were good times too, but they seem so fleeting when it seeps in with your own personal trauma of being ignored. Btw- when i moved to his place, my brother moved back home to fill the gap, but my brother is better with dealing with my mom and she doesnt blow up at him.

After I moved back, it was better. Yeah, shit went down sometimes but i guess overall it was better? My mom cried a lot. I would hear her talk on the phone with her family members in Korea and cry about how she was tired of everything and didn't want to do it anymore. I know exactly how that feels. Well, in the later months of 2018, we got along better and havent really had those blowups. I tried my best to stay home more instead of going out at night because she hated it. I tried to be nicer to her and more compromising. She's in Korea rn and things suck. During the whole parents thing, it sucks to feel like your parents are passing you to each other likea toy they dont want. It sucks to not really feel familial love growing up, where mom is just doing things because shes supposed to and dad just flat out pretends you dont exist. It sucks that it takes two years of partying, drugs and cons to find out

Submitted October 31, 2018 at 10:33AM by xfirelily via reddit https://ift.tt/2CRsVBn

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