#i cant see them because of the pandemic | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fianllyclean · 1 year

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Hey, bestie!

Maria, @taylorsmygirl13 and I both collectively feel like vomitting because we can’t believe that the tour is:

A. ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

B. IT IS ?! SO SOON?!

We have missed you so so so so so much. I think that everyone can collectively agree that when we left our final show on the rep tour that we didn’t think we would go the number of days it has been since we would next see each other. Almost 5 years, one pandemic, 2 degrees, 5 birthdays, 4 records, a bunch of happy times, a bunch of sad times, moving cross country, and new friends later, here we are about to embark on this new journey of tour!!!! I’m collectively just here to say how freaking much I am so thankful to be able to have tickets to the 2 shows that I was able to get. But most importantly that Maria and I are actually living a dream that we talked about for almost a decade. Being at opening Night! We are hecking excited to let all these emotions of the last 5 years out together and share this night with you, T. Maria and I became besties (I mean look at our prom pics in 2016 Lol, because of you.) She has taught me so much and led me toward some of my greatest accomplishments while always encouraging me to constantly keep pushing. I genuinely can’t wait for you to experience her radiant happiness that she emits into any room that she walks into, because every human deserves it. When you realize that she has been there on your side since 2006, at the age of 8 and is now 25. Wow what a journey and special relationship that is. She’s been there for every release day; midnight music video release, traveling hours for tour, spreading your message with her tiny students, and thanks to you, grown into the most successful and beautiful lady I know.

So excited to see you opening weekend at the Glendale shows!!!!

Glendale Night #1: Section C, Row 13, Seat 1.

Glendale Night #2: Section 129, Row 30, Seat 9.

Thank you for giving us a reason to see the desert 🏜️ 🌵, we wouldn’t go the middle of no where for no one else :)

We are so so so so so mega excited to see you and I want nothing more but for you and Maria to squeeze each other and share all these years of memories in conversation.

P.S. Tell Mer and Liv to not worry, I’m bringing Temptations for them and a special “nice to meet you” gift for Benji. 🐱🐈

WE CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU FRIDAY ☘️🇮🇪AND SATURDAY🪩🤠

@taylorswift @taylornation

#GlendaleTSTheErasTour #TSTheErasTour #SupportingOurGirl

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pluralcultureis · 5 months

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/vent very sorry feel free not to post just ahhhhh

"endos arnt doing anything wrong just dont pay attention to them" "just stay neutral" "real systems have their trauma to worry about" "fake systems cause no harm to real people with DID" MOTHERFUCKER I CANT EVEN FUCKING BE IN MY OWN FUCKIGN COMMUNITY BECUASE OF MISINFORMATION, TOXIC POSITIVITY, ANTI HEALING, AND FUCKERS TRYING TO STEAL MY PERSONAL TRUAMA HISTORY SO THEY CAN FEEL SPECIAL AT BEST AND AT WORST ARE MAKING PEOPLE WHO *DONT HAVE DID* THINK THEY FOR SURE HAVE IT OR ARE PRESSURING YOUNG SYSTEMS TO COME OUT AND SPILL THEIR TRAUMA ONLINE OR MAKING REAL SYSTEMS WORSE BY PUSHING THEM INTO DELUSIONS AND TRAUMA OLYPICS! THEY ACTIVLY MAKE IT HARDER TO BE TAKEN SERIOSULY! DID FUCKING ANYONE SEE THAT VIDEO OF A DOCTOR FROM MECLEEN OUTRIGHT CLAIMING THERE WAS A PANDEMIC OF FAKERS FAKING DID ON TICTOK AND DOCTORS NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR IT! YOU ARE MAKING OUR LIVES ACTIVLY HARDER! YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT EASIER TO GET DIGNOSED AND TAKEN SERIOUSLY! YOU ARE EVEN STARTING TO SPREAD MISINFO TO FUCKING THERAPISTS! THIS SHIT IS HARMFUL AND NO IT IS NOT "harmless to """"real"""" systems" FUCK OFF!

I'll say it a lot on here that I would rather support a faker than a fakeclaimer, but it's also important to acknowledge that doesn't mean I want to support fakers

Fakers do harm our community, and I don't like them at all

It's so frustrating that because of so much misinformation online now, therapists are often told "if your patient says they think they have DID, or know anything about their own disorder, they're faking"

But almost no therapists are trained to pick up on signs on their own, which makes getting diagnosed nearly impossible for people that actually need help

#endos dni #osdd #pdid #did #did system #pdid system #osddid #actually did #traumagenic #actually dissociative #plural culture is #syscourse #tw syscourse

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libraford · 7 months

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Aren't you a photographer? What is the horrible employee doing? Purely curious, because I'm just imagining him swinging equipment around like a wackadoo. 🤔

Freaks out if theres even the slightest hiccup in technology, blames the computer, says 'it would be so much easier without the computer.' The computer is how we match 1000 names to 1000 faces, so hes welcome to try that on his own.

It is against the rules to show the photos to the students because, especially at high and middle schools, it means that some kids will want 10 takes. Furthermore, it means that everyone will line up behind the 'cool one that let's you see your photo,' which means no one will go to any of the other lines. When I tell him not to do this he does it anyway and says to the students 'well I'll hmget in trouble if I show it to you, but if you walk back here while I'm adjusting my lights I cant stop you from looking.' I have told him that we need to all be on the same page or it looks unprofessional, and that continuing to do it is blatantly undermining my authority as a crew lead. He says 'I didnt mean to undermine your authority.' Yes you did. You literally did it. You did it in front of me. On purpose. Like at least pretend to respect me.

But probably the biggest one- blatant violation of the no-touch policy. He keeps asking kids for high fives and its like... dude... dud we not just have an entire pandemic? But also he will physically move people to adjust them. Without their consent. Which is the OTHER reason we have this policy- because we are strangers and they did not consent to be touched.

People have complained about that last one, and he appears not to listen when I remind him that the policy is there for our safety and theirs.

And it kinda comes down to that he doesnt respect anyone. Because hes been a photographer 15 years, so why listen to the bitch half your age that's only been in the business five years? Never mind that he couldnt figure out lighting basics in training so... whatever.

Tomorrow is his last day and it cant come sooner.

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electrificata · 2 months

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here are my house observations, im in season 3

some of the shit house says to foreman is genuinely unforgivable

foreman as a character i generally like. omar epps is giving a good performance of an even-keeled-but-not-without-effort kind of guy, i do like the plotline of a guy who came to learn from an expert whos the worst guy in the world and trying to figure out how to do the same thing without being the worst guy in the world. i also think they way they keep him out of hospital love triangles is racist, foreman is not currently hot but could be with 15% more attention from the writers room.

really sexist as a general rule. i have not encountered the idea of "jailbait" this much in literal years.

hipster racism. its the 2000s. funny to talk abt this because "hipsters" were younger at this point and the character of house is, im assuming, in his mid 40s at the start of the show, but thats the general logic that seems to be on display. "well you know that he's a good guy so its ironic and funny that he's threatening to use the n word as a joke."

a) stupid logic to begin with, doing something ironically is also just doing it, b) doesnt even work on its own terms here because house is widely acknowledged to be an awful person in the context. the entire show is built around the question "how much deliberately annoying, dangerous bullshit will we endure from this dickhead to maintain access to his unique skillset"

i still dont "get" house/wilson. like i do see it, like i can see that theyre a little obsessed with each other and they have a fun mutually manipulative dynamic, and they make sense as foils (guy who's self-consciously awful and often ends up doing noble things accidentally/guy who's self-consciously noble and often deliberately does awful things). but i cannot feel myself going insane about it. if anything i like him better with cuddy

cuddy really really hot. really really really hot. cuddy.

so like yeah i see house/wilson im just not going insane about it the way i thought i might. altho tbh it took a global pandemic and a extended, byzantine renaissance of tumblrina supernatural scholarship to make me have a destiel spiral. i need infrastructure for these things.

cameron's character is such an old school token girl character. i hate how they treat her "niceness" almost as much as i hate how they treat her crush on house.

a better show (written by me) would have some more cuddy and foreman "managing" house plotlines (foreman being a protege allows focus on the legacy of house's medicine, how to replicate it, how to contain damage), probably give him some of the cuddy and wilson time. the three of them together would be good i could do that.

cuddy/foreman. hm. in the remake.

like, i do get how this happened. house is troubled in a durable, interesting way. the writing is good enough to support his layers, the way his snap-judgement psychoanalysis of everyone he meets curls back around to shine a light on his own issues. good balance of competence and patheticness. laurie is giving a masterclass in the niche field of "british comedian comes to us tv drama, grows some stubble, becomes a sex symbol." i read an old review that referred to his "sourpuss charisma" i really like that turn of phrase.

(i was also into josh on the west wing when i watched that last year, i have a type i love antagonism. no im not dating anyone right now, who wants to take me for a candlelit dinner and tell me i smell good and my voice is sexy) (you cant just compliment me, ill be bored or uncomfortable, you have to bury it in a disagreement and make it clear youre kind of mad that youre into me)

that said i think the show kind of misunderstands house's sex appeal. it feels very written-by-men. women characters throw themselves at house in a porny kind of take-me-now way. in my observations guys who are arent traditionally hot but attractive in this antagonistic, talky was dont really get that kind of treatment, but they do get the main cast wilson/cuddy/cameron "i hate this guy but im obsessed with him and i will never make a move or i will and itll go badly" kind of stuff. my phantom house reboot does have cameron and house hook up and its a really mean and destructive fwb thing with like 4 false endings. does this make sense.

right now im in the middle of the plotline where leighton meester plays a 17 yr old girl stalking house because shes so in love. like thats not the vibe. at least from what ive seen. im not omniscient.

lol it turns out she has a spore makign her hypersexual lolllll i literally have this on in the background rn ok i take some of this back.

whenever i mention to someone im watching house theyll recount to me the plot of the one episode they can remember and it always sounds insane and its never made up.

"the one with the intersex teen model who fucks her dad to manipulate him and has testicular cancer" like yeah. yeah thats real. if you talked to me 3 weeks ago thatd be the one i recounted to you.

yes house does leer at her in that episode and its treated as logical and normal for a 45 year old man.

i hate chase, he's awful but boring.

im curious how long im gonna keep watching this, i know the later seasons get kind of soapy plotwise and i dont know if thats what i want out of this

#god this got long.

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dtkqer · 1 month

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wait why ranboo (idk much abt him)

ESSAY WARNING AHEAD do not fucking repost this shit anywhere holy fuck i will kill you!!!!!!! respect my boundaries :((

ok my thought process was somewhere along the lines of

rboo (kid wanting to blow up as a mcyter during summer 2020) getting attention through making fan content of dream smp (also trying to write themself into the lore) -> dream (kid who blew up as an mcyter before the pandemic hit, getting even more insane numbers) sees himself in rboo, adds him to the dream smp

-> path 1: parasocial stan delusion - ran is both viewer and cc, relatable to viewers in a down to earth way while gaining an insane amount of success very very fast -> heightened scrutiny to not fuck things up because his audience is full of normal people who care about social justice on paper (part of dreams influence in having a gender and race diverse (somewhat) audience) -> growing importance of boundaries (tm) -> fandom becomes insanely blue haired liberal and jumps on every mistake, demanding quick and GOOD apologies for both inane and serious shit -> fandom becomes volatile and creates disproportionate responses to everything -> they (rboo) become spineless -> this attitude and spinelessness leaks over to the whole of mcyt since most of dsmp shared an audience at that point -> feedback loop we see today (sidebar: growing media illiteracy combined with volatile reactions extend to lore shit on all ends and was absolutely compounded by their joining -> "sanctity" of the lore -> michael -> dsmp audiences split over the parasocial belief that character = content creator's thoughts beliefs and actions in real life instead of. acting)

-> path 2: control and queerness - branch off from blue haired liberal -> viewers have good intentions in wanting more rep in the cc space (queer and women, not so much race) -> marginalized communities cant afford to make mistakes as much as white men in the space -> disproportionate amount of criticism for both white men and marginalized ccs -> viewers attempting to take control of ccs due to ran blurring the line between viewer and cc during lockdown/most viewers' formative social years being taken from them -> not much education about queerness in the first place -> queerbaiting discourse and queer being a symbol of goodness -> people seemed to want dream to be straight and evil and ran to be gay/queer and good -> double standards when dream and ran come out because of dream's perceived power, status, and past growing up in conservative florida he had already been addressing, but ran gets a warm welcome because of bending to the audience more than dream has and past not holding as many mistakes meaning they could claim queer as an identity -> selective biphobia because if dream is queer hes a bad queer so everything he does is evil

-> return to main thread - brighton bastards formed, beeduo date and break up, everyone becomes bitter boots after lockdown ends and dream abandons his adopted bastard child he came to love that george originally gave birth to -> october and drexodus -> quackity resentment somewhere in there behind the scenes, dtkq breakup -> former audience split over lore comes back into -> qsmp shit -> dream and by extension dteam/munchy is evil except badboyhalo who supports dream but is still on qsmp because hes a lore andy -> schisms from the past continue to grow, new schism of q's side vs dream's side appears (secret third challenger of brighton floptopia) -> people air out their dirty laundry and snide comments -> november and december -> relative peace -> march-> karl gets hit by a car -> present day -> dnf sextape

i may be wrong for quite a bit of this but this is how i saw it . again this is a tumblr exclusive if you repost this anywhere even iwth my url cropped i will fucking kill you.

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harlowcomehome · 2 years

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can you write about jack and reader reuniting at the airport when he comes home from tour and they both get really emotional and cant keep their hands off each other, even on the way back home ? kinda like this video

“It’s insane how much I missed you.”

A/N: I couldn’t get the read more feature to work. Sorry!

Jack had been away on tour for the last two months, to say that it was super hard on you would be an understatement. You missed him every second of every day, before he left for tour you spent a lot of quality time together and for your daily life to shift so drastically was really hard on you.

When the pandemic hit, your relationship with Jack was fairly new, and he had a lot of free time so the two of you spent a lot of date nights indoors. You were really grateful for that time because you felt like it allowed the both of you to get to know each other on a deeper level. You would cook together, do arts and crafts together, and eventually have movie nights. You saw a side of him that most people didn’t get to see, which you were grateful for.

The day Jack left for tour, you were absolutely miserable. Of course, you didn’t dare to let him in on that. You helped him pack, and even went with him to the airport to say your goodbyes. You knew that you would be able to see him a few times, but it was nothing like spending every day together. “I’m going to miss you” he said low and sad, he was covering his eyes with his Prada glasses and his hoodie was covering his hair. You weren’t sure if he was trying to hide from people or hide his overwhelming emotions. “I’m going to miss you too, we got this” you hummed as you leaned in to kiss him.

The days without him dragged on and on, the FaceTime calls were fun but never the same. The two of you ached to be with one another and you couldn’t wait for that day.

When tour was finally officially over, he called you to make sure you’d still be picking him up from the airport. The rest of his team made plans to go home in a van but he wanted to see you one on one.

You patiently waited for him in the parking lot knowing that if you went inside it would probably cause more of a commotion that way. When you saw him heading towards the car you excitedly put the flowers you bought him in the front seat.

You got outside of the car to open up your trunk so he could put his stuff inside, he was holding a small bag when you practically jumped in his arms. He laughed as he held you close “I missed you so much” he threw his suitcase in the back as you held on to him tightly. He peppered your face in kisses and you both kept mentioning how much you loved each other over and over.

You were so excited to see him that you hadn’t even noticed the small bag that he was holding, you were just glad that he was in your presence again. When you finally dropped down from his waist, you looked him in the eyes and saw that he was trying not to cry. ”Awww bubby, are you crying?” You teased as you started to tear up too. “I just really missed you” he laughed and you did too. “Let’s get in the car though” he looked around cautiously and you agreed.

He walked back around the car into the driver seat and he was sitting in the passenger side with the flowers in his lap. “You got me flowers?” His face was flushed and he was smiling so you knew he liked them. “I thought it would be a sweet gesture” you giggled as he pulled you softly by your neck for a kiss. “I love them” he smiled as he placed the bag in your lap. “I got you a gift, while I was away” he was smirking and you giggled “a gift?” He blushed “technically gifts with an “s” but the rest are in my bag. I wanted you to have this now.”

You looked in the bag to find a small velvet pouch, Jack watched you with a grin as you opened it. It was a necklace the back was engraved with your names and you started to cry. “Don’t cry baby!” He leaned his head against yours. “You’re so cute and too good to me” you sniffled and he laughed. “Wait until you see what else I got you” he smiled and you kissed him.

The entire car ride back to your place the two of you were all over one another, you had your hand on his thigh or vice versa. He held your hand and you rubbed your thumb across his, no matter what it was all physical and neither one of you minded.

When you got to your place and brought all of Jacks belongings inside he shut the door, pushing you against the wall and kissing you.

“It’s insane how much I missed you” you giggled in between kisses.

“Oh yeah? Show me” It didn’t take him long to pick you up and take you into the bedroom, not that you were complaining.

#jack harlow #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow blurb #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow fanfic

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mueritos · 6 months

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Hey. Idk if this is me growing up or just being disillusioned with inter celebs etc. Im a 23 yr old trans man so I grew up and was inspired by chella on the YouTube community. But now I just…don’t like chella man anymore. I feel like…he became an industry plant? Over the pandemic asking fans for money to send to him directly to help others and not showing where the money was going exactly incident as well as just becoming older I noticed he seemed to almost want to become the next Keith haring or basquiat? He almost…now seems very fake? He takes deals with brands to be representation but doesn’t do much to call out certain brands for their faults etc.

Idk anymore

I give Chella credit in that he was one of the few transmen that I looked up while I was young, especially with him being BIPOC. Showing him to my family helped them understand me. But that's where the inspiration kinda stops, because it was painful to be surrounded by years-in-transition trans men online when I was absolutely nowhere I wanted to be. That was a me problem tho. But I also didn't know much about his whole donation incident.

Ig heres what I have to say. It's not great to view other people as your justification of your morals. We don't know how people have had to live or how they live now, we don't know what decisions they have to make, and we dont know what kind of fears or goals they have. Chella is allowed to do whatever he wants with his art or his modelling career, just like how I genuinely believe anyone else in the world is capable of making the right decisions for themselves (even if we dont like those decisions!). Im not really concerned with figuring out if hes an industry plant or a "class traitor" (lol) or even if he's "fake". To be honest, I'm all for BIPOC folks getting their $. Does that mean I enjoy seeing wealthy BIPOC folk perpetuate classism and racism? No. Just cuz someone is succeeding for themselves doesn't mean people cant critique them. I guess what Im saying is I see waaay too many people online take the things they enjoy and the people they follow as projections of their morals: "no! stop [Insert celebrity name] you're being problematic and its makes us fans look bad!" Like....Okay lmfao. People are grown adults and are going to make decisions for themselves. Just because you might enjoy a celebrity does not mean your morals are based on how good of a person they are.

and youre allowed to not like the same things anymore just like how people are allowed to change, for better or for worse. I think within online communities there is way too much pressure on "looking" like a good person versus actually being one...because sometimes BEING a good person makes you look absolutely vile in terms of online spaces/communities love of isolating, removing, and deleting "problematic" (and vulnerable) people from their spaces with no trial, discussion, or attempt at conflict mediation. Yea yea I do think people have every right to be criticized just as they have every right to make whatever decision they want, but what Im trying to get at is to really stop viewing anyone with a platform as someone you can other once they dont meet your standards. This is not the same as denouncing or critiquing someone for really egregious behavior (white supremacy, harrassment, bullying, interpersonal violence). Once you kinda start living by your own morals without needing other people's actions/behaviors to justify/define them, you learn to focus on building connections rather than destroying them.

again, this is a much nuanced topic and you prolly werent expecting me to go into this. but ive grown over the years and have engaged in some nasty and vile mob mentality behavior that i just dont vibe with anymore. im not really the kind of person now to speculate online or publicly what other people are doing or should be doing or whether theyre problematic or not. I don't really care about Chella man or most celebrities rn. People r just gonna be people, and I will always have empathy for those of marginalized identities. Free will, autonomy, and self determination goes both ways, but so does accountability, transformative justice, and reconciliation.

but also like kill ur idols lol

#muertoresponds #like yea its fun having people u follow and look up to man #does it take a lot of time to be following celebrities #there would be days i would just check up on all my micro celebrities #now i just dont give a fuck #theyre people im people we're people #we're all gonna change and do bad and do good #i dont like holding myself or anyone anymore to these fucked up online standards of looking like good people #idc idc idc #this was def not the answer u prolly wanted but its where im at and thats what i gotta say #have ur micro celebrities if u want but like yea #people r people #and so are u #critiques r valid but u cant hold anyone accountable unless they consent to be held accountable #like being held accountable means u choose to be part of the accountability process #not make a lil 5 min notes app apology and be forgotten about in a week because people find their next target #yadda yadda yadda #these r my thoughts

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silliest-dude · 4 months

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I'm not sure if this is what you were looking for, or how 101 I should get with this (please forgive me in advance if this is stuff you already know), but some things that make me absolutely feral about Peterick are:

*Patrick originally auditioned to be the band's drummer, but after hearing Patrick sing for the first time, Pete immediately shut that idea down and made him the singer. Patrick sees himself as a composer before anything else, and he only sings because Pete saw his talent, and needed someone to help share his words.

* Patrick suffered from intense stage fright early on, and so Pete gave him a knit hat (the one you see on the "Take This To Your Grave" cover) to wear as a security blanket, and cover his eyes; As we all know, hats have been a part of Patrick's stage wardrobe ever since! Patrick's stage fright is also the reason why Pete does most of the talking onstage. Patrick has said both of them have qualities the other lacks, and so they essentially make up one person in the group.

* And let's not forget their whole writing dynamic! Since "Take This To Your Grave", Pete basically gives his diary entries to Patrick in the form of poetry, full of all his pain and joy, and Patrick is in charge of turning those words into music. Essentially, they're always writing for each other!

* Naturally, more than a few of the lyrics Pete writes are about Patrick himself. Most of it is conjecture, of course, as Pete rarely says exactly who his words are about, but two of the times Pete has broken that rule, has been to say that he had Patrick in mind: "What A Catch, Donnie", which he wrote to remind Patrick how incredible he is (this was their last single before they went on indefinite hiatus, which makes me cry all the time!), and the line "I am half-doomed, and you're semi-sweet" from "Disloyal Order Of Water Buffaloes" (On Genius, Pete said "This can be anyone you feel that close to. Sometimes it's a girl, but honestly sometimes it was Patrick")

* There were two times in the band's history, where their future was uncertain: When they went on hiatus after "Folie A Deux," due to infighting, and the Pandemic, when everyone was in lockdown and Pete wasn't sure if he wanted to return to the studio. After "Folie", Patrick made a solo album called Soul Punk, but was heartbroken when it didn't sell well, and fans just kept comparing it to FOB. Pete reached out to him after an incredibly painful blog post he wrote then later took down, and said "You know what you need? You need your band", which is what brought about their glorious surprise return in 2013, and the album "Save Rock and Roll". Patrick returned the favor almost a decade later, when COVID made Pete afraid to leave his house. Patrick knew that if he was excited about writing new music, Pete would be too, and so he started working on what would be "So Much (For) Stardust". Patrick was right, and they started writing together again, for their first album in 4 years. The rest, as they say, is history...

I could honestly go on forever, but these two are living proof soul mates exist, and I will never stop being emotional about them!

holy SHIT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU FOR THIS. anon if you end up seeing this PLEASE feel free to dm me and go into more depth/add anything/rant because this is fucking incredible and i cant repay you for this

#kobra answers asks

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pjisskullourful · 5 months

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I'm so proud of you

🫂⭐

thankyoooou my darling💖

stream of consciousness response cos i have so many feelings& idk if im gonna be able to sleep even though its 1.30am? okcurrrrr

holy fuck. holy fuck. HOLY FUCK!!!

i had some shitty things happen to me pre -pandemic but then being on lockdown i was forced to sit with all of that, accept the label of 'victim'& my mental health got bad. i've always been a homebody& a bit anxious in social situations, but during lockdown i became quite terrified of the outside world. there are occasions when i let my best friend down by pulling out of commitments at the last second cos i never felt good enough, i wanted to hide the fuck away, i felt myself decaying& i thought people would see that& i was SO ashamed& thats when the body dysmorphia got in the drivers seat(the street name of the concert venue was driver, i'll be the driverrrrrr)& it was crippling & took so many things from me

anytime i leave the house is an accomplishment for me now. even if its just to walk down the block to buy a loaf of bread. & going into a situation like a concert, with the overstimulation, the complete lack of control (i am a perfectionist, control freak)(i love structure, i need routines to feel safe & thrive& be happy)- i wasnt sure i could do it. i had a cry last night cos i was feeling so intimidated, i didnt know how to prepare

but i made it out of the house. i dressed myself to the fucking nines with no shame. i took PRIDE in my appearance when usually i just want to be a floating brain so that no one can perceive me in my form. i was serving CUNT, i put my entire pussy into it& i fucking did it

to be in the presence of those four fuckers, im in disbelief. i've been unemployed since a bit before the pandemic, i've had to come to terms with ptsd & the fact that i now have a disability & idk how to just jump into another job. i feel so worthless so often. but here, i dont. i had given up on my dream of making money from my writing. but now i am!(& it started with an ethan commission!!!) & im not worthless& i have accomplishments that i have gained for myself, despite everything else, despite the voice in my head telling me im not good enough, im past my peak, im decaying -- yada yada yada suicidal ideation

a little bit of my dream came true because of those four fuckers. i cried the day honey came out cos i am just so completely grateful for everything being a fan of them has given me

& it started with an ethan commission. & then ethan looked in my eyes& said thank you

i am not worthless, i am not past my peak. i am a motherfucking kool kid

thankyou for every note on every fic(i look at every single notification, they make my heart fucking soar), every kudos, every cent anyone has sent my way. tonight was a celebration of all of that& i could be present& happy& in it. no darkness could touch me, especially not while ethan was looking at me

he is as fucking flawless in person(they all are). i got to stand so close& stare at that fucking body(cos he wonderfully took his shirt off after interval)& i love him& i'll most likely love him forever, thats my baby daddy ❣️ my mum is gonna be so proud. i wish i could wake her up with a phone call. ethan is her fav& i cant wait to tell her i had an interaction with him

i sat in the gutter& went from loudly laughing(ala gaga in aura) to sobbing loudly. my world has been rocked

for some people a concert is just a concert but this is a GIGANTIC deal for me. middle finger to my anxiety. middle finger to my body dysmorphia. this is such an accomplishment. i am grateful for every fucking second, grateful to myself cos i fucking DID IT!

& this is the second time this year that i've seen a eurovision winner perform their winning song(cos my girl conchita back at the start of the year). & that is dopee as fuck!!!

my therapist is gonna be so proud 🥲

can i get a HELL YEAH for vallium? ily forever bby

tldr-- im proud of me too babyyyyyy

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the-kipsabian · 3 months

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grief, death, funerals, a hint of selfharm, what have you. your triggers, if you will

in a really weird way, all this feels just performative to me now. ive cried today so much i feel strangely numb to it all, but at the same time i still have so much left bubbling inside of me that its hard to find a proper reaction or words for it

saying goodbye to someone youve known all your life, no matter how much or how little, is. still so hard. i havent done this in over ten years. its weird. but its difficult. trying to converse with people with happy memories when yours are so mudded when you havent seen them in a few years due to both personal reasons and a global pandemic forcing you apart from the compromised. when the last thing you remember them telling you is that you shouldnt complain about breakfast foods and asking why you are going to spend the night enjoying an activity thats not typically seen as a "girls thing" in an almost mocking manner, it paints a very distorted image in your mind about how you feel, and how you should feel. it makes things feel so odd, but you cant say anything about it, because this isnt the time to talk about memories you have but dont want to keep. youre supposed to fondly remember the ones we lost and celebrate what they gave us that we can still keep using in this life we have left

i. havent been grieving very well, if im being honest. not only does losing two people in a very short amount of time mess me up even more, but i feel like ive been so selfish in the memories i hold dear and the images i keep in my mind to remember these people by. i know its how i feel and its valid, but seeing everyone else grief with positivity just.. makes me feel. weird. odd. out of place. like im doing it wrong and i dont know how to fix it

i have felt selfish more than anything. i see people around me grieving terribly for these people and while i cant relate, it eats me up inside thinking that i could be causing people this kind of pain and suffering by wanting to die. i know its not right, i.. i dont want people to feel this way if i want to finally feel better one day and see no other choice. it makes me feel selfish that i think i could feel better by making it worse for everyone else. i know this current grief isnt about me, but it has made me think about it a lot. i dont know what i feel. i dont know how i want to live, if i want to live and for how long. but i feel like i have no other option but to go on. and its selfish of me to think that i have to do it. for other people and their feelings, but not for myself. cause i havent found that thing that actively makes me want to keep going. i know it makes no sense but it feels bad. it hurts. everything hurts

you should be able to tell people you love them while they are still here. not whispering it through tears while you set flowers down on a pile of dirt that now homes them. it shouldnt be like that. i dont know how it makes me feel. i. i dont even in the end know how much i really did love them. i mean i did. i think. but its hard to feel like i did. ive been so numb for so long and not tried to mend anything in the past few years and now i cant

i dont know how to feel about anything. i dont think i can feel anything

i just wish it didnt hurt

#night is an absolute mess on main

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mpregfrance · 5 months

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Alright to start this ask off I'm just gonna say my interactions w/ you have genuenly been one of the funniest ive had in a long ass time. I've read ur recent post and I empathyse a lot. You seem incredibly funny and genuine. Idk your situation and your background and even your age, but I think you can and are pulling through. Things will get better even if you dont actively want them to. Im not saying this in a vague hope to make the situation you are in better. Im telling you, as a person who from the age of 14 went from therapist to therapist, somehow been on meds that dont fuckin exist yet in croatia, someone who feels trapped in the very /country/ she lives in with no means of escape, someone who is "waiting" for things to finally financially/academicaly/politicaly be better so that I can make something of my life. As it did for me, you will feel joy again in what you do, in what you have, and in what you can achieve. I think it's ok to be down, its ok to feel like "if a bus hit me tomorrow i wouldnt protest" but the thing about people is we adapt rather quickly. So putting yourself out there, going to places you are scared to and believe yourself to be an outcast from is exactly what gets you to meet people and see things that youll remember forever. And after a while the outcast will stop coming to these places, the person there will be someone who belongs. Apathy is a way of saying "fine whatever i dont even care anymore" but youll see how much you care.

I started getting ok after a full decade of *trying* and what I've always found is that for me the saying "don't take anything seriously" is no.1 rule. I get worked up, anxious and overwhelmed with so much so many times.

You may have problems with people at work with friends and whomever, but the main thing you gotta remember is *you cant change anyone but yourself*

And its not a change of personality, hair color, interests, its how much something will get to you, how willing are you to give something up thats not working out and how you will percieve something.

I have no doubt that you know all of this crap but i guess i wanted to say all of that just bc there is no greater pain for me than when i see someone feel like i did regardless of the reason or situation.

Keep on truckin and doing what u love even if its mpregfrance posting. I will always be here to send you to liking-france-jail, mwah <3

hello my sweaty angle <3 i'm sorry i'm just replying to this now. i had to sleep on it because your thoughtfulness deserves a sincere reply.

first of all - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being so kind, sweet and insightful and offering your support.

the fact that you would take the precious time out of your day to write this out for me is, in a word, unbelievable. i really appreciate you checking in, it's an incredibly caring thing to do. to be honest i'm a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of this unexpected message and i wish i knew how better to express my appreciation.

i really do love to hear that i made you laugh. i live to shitpost. i've always prided myself on my sense of humor and sometimes i feel as if it's slipping away, so it's reliving to hear i've still got it.

unfortunately i still haven't had the strength to eat. i'm heading to work in a bit. things are pretty rough right now, but when have they not been? obviously my present circumstances aren't the root cause of all my problems. in fact my life has improved since moving here.

extensive bianca lore and vulnerability under the cut, apologies in advance.

basically, in so few words, my current situation is that i'm nearly 25 and have nothing to show for it. i've lived in different cities across the US, had great jobs, apartments, friends, roommates, relationships, etc. i have done a lot of living in a short amount of time. but then, in retrospect, it feels like it stopped.

about 3 years ago i was in a very bad place mentally due to the isolation of the pandemic, and i met my husband online. in early 2022 i gave up everything, saved over $10k for the visa and moving costs, and relocated from the US to australia to live with him. our relationship itself has improved from how it used to be, but since the beginning we've had seemingly endless bad luck and financial setbacks.

last year, not long after our (very disappointing) wedding, i suffered a devastating miscarriage. ruptured ectopic, massive internal bleeding, required emergency surgery etc. not only was that traumatic emotionally, but i wasn't eligible for healthcare at the time bc of my immigration status, so we're still paying off the medical bill.

we share a house with my mother in law who is a domineering, emotionally incestuous single mom and an emotionally abusive narcissist. i don't throw that term around lightly, as so many people do these days, but i honestly believe she's devoid of empathy. she's admitted that she dislikes me and thinks i'm stupid because i don't talk much, and goes out of her way to make me feel unwelcome.

so i'm stuck in an area that feels, to me, like the middle of nowhere. i'm not homesick, i love this country. it's just that i'm not used to suburbs. i feel most comfortable in a city where there's people and places and things, neon lights and background noise and stuff to do.

i'd would be happy to live anywhere as long as it's not with her. it honestly feels like a prison sometimes. that sounds dramatic but she's cultivating an unbelievably hostile environment that causes me to feel on edge whenever she's around.

needless to say we need to move, desperately. it's our #1 priority. more than anything else i want a place of our own and eventually a family. we've been actively househunting for the better part of a year, but the rental market is catastrophically bad right now. it's not even about the money, since we're both working we can afford a decent place. it's just that it's so competitive. every showing i've attended, there's been like 30 other prospective tenants. we've been turned down from every apartment we've applied for.

on top of our living situation i have complex health issues that are just getting worse. my energy is zapped. trying to balance work work and housework leaves me with almost no free time to write.

this barely scratches the surface of why I Am The Way That I Am™. i'm not saying any of this to evoke sympathy or brag about 'having it hard'. simply trying to explain. my upbringing was abusive and dysfunctional in a number of ways. i just barely graduated high school. i never had traditional opportunities, i was raised in a way where there's basically no assumption/expectation that you'll ever be successful or fulfilled. i'm diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD and bipolar 2 - haven't been able to get my proper meds in australia. i've been addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. i'm not pleasant to be around. i will probably always look like and act like the lower class, white trash girl that i am. i have spent my entire life in survival mode.

i'm always in the midst of some identity crisis or running away from something. so yeah, i've been hurt and downtrodden. i've also experienced the beautiful side of life from time to time. i've gained a breadth of knowledge and met incredible individuals who introduced me to new perspectives and i'm forever grateful for them. with the way i've lived, i'm very lucky to not be dead or incarcerated right now.

ok, pity party's over. for real this time.

you're pretty much describing exactly how i feel. you know the struggle. the part about waiting to live my life; that's precisely where i'm at. i don't necessarily have a desire to fit in, i just want to get away into somewhere that i can adjust better to.

my isolation is partially due to a lack of energy but also i don't seek out interaction because i'm afraid no one else can understand me. not because i believe i'm too 'complex' or 'damaged' to be understood. that's a load of self-pitying bullshit. it's just scary to be truly seen. or vulnerable. or genuine. bc the results of such openness are unpredictable and uncomfortable.

it's hard, but i know i have to find it within myself to take that push. what's holding me back right now is mainly my material conditions, circumstances out of my direct control. i have no doubt i'll feel at least 50% better when i stop living with this woman.

i certainly have no problem with starting over if something doesn't work for me. contrary to what i might've described, i believe i'm pretty well adjusted, self aware and rational. as is obvious i don't take many things that seriously lmao. i went from caring wayyy too much about everything, being overly emotional and sensitive, to going entirely with the flow and accepting what i can't control or predict.

also i am well aware that you can't change people, that's never been my goal lmao i've never needed someone to tell me that <3

tl;dr, thank you. so much. this really uplifted and inspired me meli, thank you so much for being so thoughtful and compassionate.

it sounds like you're also stuck between a rock and a hard place in your own environment, and i'm sorry to hear that. it's a wretched feeling but i believe you you will thrive no matter the setting, because in all seriousness, you're incredibly talented. i hope you know you should follow your dreams. hell, it looks like you already are and you're giving us the privilege of witnessing it. your art is stunning, the passion and care you put into your work is obvious. your matthew is absolutely beautiful - like his maman.

from a rabidly devoted france woobifier to the designated france hater, i'm only going to say this once but you are validated in your distaste. i understand. you gotta admit though, he is a MILF.

if one thing is certain i will never stop frussyposting. in fact right now i am thinking about france hetalia big fat juicy boobies mmmm milky squishy. i'm giving her a teensy tiny little slut waist and childbearing hips. i would give him a brazilian butt lift but he doesn't even need it!!!

if that is a crime then lock me up. please. strap on the handcuffs and throw me in the crate for naughty little freaks teeheehee >:3

be careful tho. if you keep sending me gay ass love letters like this they're gonna start shipping toxic yuri melianca even harder <3

#this made my day #this ask gave me bottom emoji eyes!!!#DM me if you want babe #ask and ye shall receive #tw vent

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27-royal-teas · 1 year

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YET !!! ANOTHER ANALYSIS!! And for good reason this time because people keep misinterpreting Pete’s work to be about Mikey and it makes me fucking PISSED can you not let pete have one thing in his goddamn life i get it its fine to have headcanons and opinions but PLEASE for the love of god please stop discrediting all of his hard work & good writing to be about a white boy he fucked back in ‘05 this CONSTANTLY happens with poc artists and it makes me mad to no end

yep, that’s right. today we’re talking about I Am My Own Muse. writing this essay i have listened to it a grand total of twenty three times

i like this song a lot specifically because i do kind of relate to it a lot frequently i feel like smashing a guitar until i go insane but i dont have a guitar and i dont know how to play one regardless so. uh yeah

The thing about IAMOM is that it’s saying that in the TITLE. Hes his own muse. And obviously no one can take that away. sure , some of his songs might be inspired by someone, but in the long run, who do they come from? pete. romance songs might not be about anyone in particular. I know ive wrote songs that could be interpreted as romance, but they’re actually me talking to my younger self or my future self or my friend, and the point is, even though songs written by pete may seem like they were about someone that doesnt mean they are and you cant, you CANNOT discredit the fact that he is his own muse. just like the song title says.

The song begins with a BANGING orchestral arrangement. I think the intro to IAMOM is my favorite song intro on the album. It's just very well thought out and clearly carefully planned, and quite honestly I think patrick did an AMAZING job and I'd love to see him do a breakdown of the composition here because I am IMPRESSED. Not even to mention the vocals, he is on FIRE. anyway in the rest of this essay I’ll be interpreting the lyrics and tying them back to the central topic i just opened with: How Pete Is His Own Muse.

The first verse is quiet, and it begins like this:

“Here i am, not sure you should take a chance

I like playing dumb, letting you figure me out

But i was faded in my own defense

So drop a bomb on the things we dreamed about”

I feel as though this verse is very clear. He isnt sure that the person he’s referring to should take a chance on him, should think that he is worth it, and he likes being able to be up to someone else’s interpretation with no outside influence. i do this frequently with strangers- i stay quiet so that they can make up their own idea in their head about me. They can figure me out themself, since i clearly cant figure myself out, and i think that’s the idea pete is really aiming for here. ‘So drop a bomb on all the things we dream about” can be referring to himself or someone else, but here let’s take it in the context that he’s discussing himself. This line is repeated in the second verse, so it’s clearly one of the main points that needed to be stated here; here he is saying to himself that (again, it’s that self sabotage) he should give it up, give it all up, it’s not worth it, destroy it all, drop a bomb on all our dreams because they aren’t going to happen. Taken together with the previous lines we can basically say that pete is saying that because he is leaving himself open to interpretation from the public, the things he truly meant to say are lost. And i think that’s the main thing here, especially with the title, and obviously im doing it myself, maybe this isnt what he meant at all, but i definitely do think it correlates along those lines to some degree.

The chorus is repeated several times throughout the song (3 times to be specific) and it goes like this:

“Smash all the guitars ‘til we see all the stars

Oh got to throw this year away

We got to throw this year away like

A bad luck charm”

And then that repeats twice.

I think i can safely say everyone reading this right now has gone through the pandemic. I assume three year olds dont go on tumblr. The entire smfs album references 2020 and 2019 time and time again, most critically in What A Time To Be Alive, and it’s heavily present in this song too. “Got to throw this year away (like a bad luck charm)” vocalizes the wishes of pete and everyone else who wishes to cut those years out of their brains- pete has expressed in interviews how taxing the pandemic really was on his mental health, and i think that “smash all the guitars” could symbolize the frustration and pain he really felt in that time; destroying music (one of the main things he loves) until he can sink into that despair and just float away (“‘til we see all the stars”). Another way this can be interpreted is an act of rebellion (a lot of musical artists smash their guitars during shows, cough ryan ross cough) but i dont really think that that makes as much sense in this context.

The next verse:

“The trumpets bring the angels but they never came

No one let them in ‘cause they didnt know my name

I know i keep my feelings so tucked away

Just another day spent hoping we dont fall apart

So drop a bomb on all the things we dreamed about”

Another very pete based verse (BECAUSE HE IS HIS OWN MUSE). This kind of links to Heaven’s Gate because it’s related to the same thing- not making it on the list, not feeling worthy of getting into heaven, because this sort of self deprecation is reflected throughout most of Fall Out Boy’s albums. I could give a million examples of this, but I don’t want to be here forever. “The trumpets bring the angels but they never came/ no one let them in ‘cause they didn’t know my name” sort of brings to mind the image of a person waiting to be carried away to something they’re not entirely sure they deserve, and they’re proven correct because no one ever came to carry them away, no one ever decided that they’d be on the list to get to heaven and the angels just went marching past and pete can hear their horns, know theyre there for people who deserve heaven much more than he does. How sad is that?

“I know i keep my feelings so tucked away/ just another day spent hoping we dont fall apart” carries the feeling of not wanting to be a burden with every emotion thought and expressed, even the good ones, and ‘we’ can be referring to himself, every single aspect of himself, hoping he doesn’t fall apart into shards of the stars his guitar is made up of. and then of course it’s the line about the bomb again, although this time it feels even more internalized and personal because it’s the second time he said it, and he dreams of getting into heaven but how can he make it up there if the angels themselves know he does not deserve to and so. drop a bomb on all the things we dreamed about, folks, because they aren’t going to happen.

The bridge:

“So let’s twist the knife again, twist the knife again

like we did last summer

So let’s twist the knife again, twist the knife again

Oh, i’m just trying to keep it together

But it gets a little harder when it never gets better I'm trying

To keep it together, to keep it together, oh”

To me this entire bridge just feels really deeply confessional and personal. Im going to start at the bottom because i like it the best.

He’s trying. He’s trying so damn hard- to be optimistic, to be hopeful and stay full of happiness and love but it’s SO HARD when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel to motivate him. This is still talking about quarantine, i think; i remember i was in middle school at the time; they said that we would be back in two weeks. I remember i was grateful to get a break and time off. Then two weeks turned into two years and it got really, really hard to see an end to the pandemic. When things stop improving it gets harder and harder to keep it together when you can’t see the results of any of your actions, when you’re trying your best but it still gets you nowhere. Wouldn’t you stop trying? i know i would.

And let’s talk about “let’s twist the knife” just a little bit. “Last summer” might refer to the last album release, which is Mania (even though it was released in January). Another album cycle, another twist of the knife; another bit of words that pete has to pull out of himself like ribbons, and although he loves it, that’s his job, it still feels like dredging up all the pain again. So let’s twist the knife again, dig it in just a little deeper, just like we did before.

So, yeah. Pete is his own muse and i truly do think that that is heavily reflected in this song, even this whole album. A lot of songs in smfs seem more him-centered, because he is the writer and he is talking about himself. So Good Right Now and What A Time To Be Alive are especially good examples of this.

And the interesting thing about the title is that it’s pulled from a Frida Kahlo quote, which goes like this:

“I am my own muse. I am the subject I know best. I am the subject I want to better.”

And isn’t that just it? This whole album, it’s an album of self discovery and going back to your roots and staying current anyway. It’s patrick pulling pete out of his funk and getting him back in the game; it’s an exploration of a new style, a new fall out boy. And like a phoenix, every album they rise again, still the same but somehow completely brand new. The orchestral arrangements displayed in IAMOM and SMFS and LFTOS showcase this, the new feeling but still the same, something bettered, and I’m really, really happy with how far they’ve come not only in their expansion of music but also with themselves. And I feel like this song and this title- I Am My Own Muse- is really a stand up, it’s a show of how far they’ve come. Because they are the subject they know the best.

#Toby speaks #Toby’s meta #fall out boy #fob #pete wentz #patrick stump #andy hurley #joe trohman #fob meta #meta #lyric analysis

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fereldanwench · 5 months

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so i feel like garbage yay

this cold is one of them deep head congestion colds and i just feel lethargic and gross

and im very VERY cranky because i got sick from a goddamn trip i didn't want to take in the first place and there's shit i need to do (like go to the post office to get my forwarding address changed because i can't do it online because USPS is garbage) and now cant

i also really wanted to walk up to the little entertainment district thingy near us and have fun with the husbando this weekend but nope can't do that now either

but you know WHATEVER what's done is done

but on the lighter side of things, the new updates for cyberpunk look like a lot of fun and i love the emphasis on, like, rp immersion with the ncart system and personal radio. one of the things that's kept me in the game for so long is just exploring night city and taking it all in so having yet another way to do that is very exciting

and the motorcycle overhauls!!!!!!! doing wheelies is one of the best things about riding bikes in games IM SO GLAD THEY FINALLY ADDED THAT

also just paid rent today which normally would not be a good/exciting thing, but it was so nice to see a much lower number there than what we'd been paying for the past few years. and for a place that suits us much better, too

and i think we should be getting our new couch today which I'm sososo hyped about. we got rid of the ones we had a little over a year ago bc they were really cheap and made from that shitty vinyl material that started cracking and flaking everywhere, and replacing them was just a really low priority since the old living room had basically become husbando's office/man cave during the height of the pandemic.

but now we have a proper living room again! and I've always wanted a couch that has a chaise lounge piece (since in true bisexual fashion i can't sit normally and need plenty of flopping space) which is what we got. so i guess if i nothing else this weekend, i can enjoy cuddling with my cats on our new couch :3

#t: wench.txt

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vintage--owl · 6 months

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// Art Related //

The headshots are her more recent desgins. The one with the clothes are before shes saved (read below for details) and the one is nothing (i didnt know what to put on her qnq) is after when shes a bit more free.

The other design was her first concept, the "C3-LL" gets moved to her pants of bottom on her shirt which is why you cant see it in the headshots. Her hair was very much influenced by Maria from Castlevania.

I need to work on my tears...

// Story Related, under cut //

[ TW = Mentions of death, war/pandemic, human science experiments, removal of body parts, shooting ]

This is C3-LL (Cell). Shes an oc for an original project that ive only recently been working on. I made it years (maybe 5 years?) ago. Its basically a apocalypse world after a major pandemic reduced the human population. The other like 40% of the population was wiped out cause people in power panicked and sent bombs.

Cell is apart of the 'C3' project run by the 'Father Company'. Their main goal is to create a forced evolved human species. The C3 project involved a chemical that was injected in the back on the neck which alted the DNA of the test subjects.

Technically this Father Company runs the world but no one in power really knew the extent of their testing. The C3 project was classed mostly as a failure but it did result in a few successful subjects, Cell being one of them.

She was "kidnaped" (technically went of her own free will but was lied to about where she was going) from her camp (little survival camps set up by militaries and such). At first she was classed as a failure as well and was shot in the head with the rest of the failures. She woke up in a pit filled with dead bodies (mass burial) screaming. Because she was shoot in the head she lost her memories and dosent remember anything before her death and never will.

The C3 experiments done on her cause her body to have a kind of healing ability and by extension, reviving her from death. She was than experimented on further. They removed her leg and eye(s) to see if her body would re-grow limbs and organs. It dose and even improves it once fully healed. Aka her eyes can now see better in the dark and more long distance. Not by a lot but enough to notice. Her memory was also improved and she has a photo-graphic memory. This also caused her eyes to change in colour and look a bit abnormal.

#oc #orginal character #orginal story #writing #art #my art #C3 Project #Cell #C3-LL

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