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magpigment · 7 months

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duck or ape by roar and i dont wanna die by the unicorns are SUCH good songs for william my god!! i already had those songs on my radar but man do they fit him. Also i would love to hear any and or all of your reasoning for your william playlist!! 👁

this got longer than i thought and i still didn’t finish it so i might go back to this at some point and expand upon or add certain things BUT for now, enjoy!

ok so! not all of these will have explanations, and some will only have explanations, but most will have lyrics that specifically remind me of wiwi and a brief explanation. hope this is cohesive enough!

william wisp:

dead now by forrest day

ok listen. listen listen listen. this entire song? literally william to a T.

'Save the rest for another day like this Your mind has gone blank, you're dead now You're dead now

The flames I lack, maybe never coming back Under attack, I'm dead now I'm dead now

You creep, you've grown too cold to sleep Your eyes grow wide, you're such a creep You've reaped, you've sown, your own you keep You creep, you freak, you've blown it

You're alone, you're alone, you're alone, you're alone You're alone, you'rе alone, you're alone, you'rе alone [cont.]

All right, you've grown too old to fight Your life is shown in different light You laugh and toast your final night You laugh too late, you've blown it'

this entire song fits not only his first death but his slow loss of function over the next few years and his general uncanny effect on other people and how they perceive him AND how he perceives himself. i cant even articulate how much this song IS HIM in my brain.

momento mori by fish in a birdcage

'Like a muzzled hound I'm tied and bound A wild beast crying for release I want my mouth so I may howl And share with silence of the trees Ashes to ashes dust to dust Filling up my coffee cup One way to shake me up I never wanted to sleep My bones became a drip Now that I've had my sip After a little taste I never wanted to sleep'

ONE: wolves. TWO: in my head this is more or less how he never wanted his powers, much less to die for them, and how he tries to cope w them after the fact

oh! starving by car seat headrest

'Goodbye, secret files When I'm gone, all this information will die'

'Cats crawl into gutters Just at the sight of me You guys got mad skills I just got mad (I'm not happy unless I'm unhappy)'

this bit specifically is very william to me, because like. especially in early seasons he was pretty vocal about his view of himself as just some guy vs dakota and vyncent, with his powers not being some grand thing and his own struggles with heroism and morality. you guys got mad skills is to me about how he views dakota and vyncent, and i just got mad is about how his own abilities only ever served to make him worse off and how he feels like he could never use his own powers for good things (ep31-35 for reference)

i hate living by car seat headrest

'I wish I was drunk I wish I weren't here I need to be more drunk Or be less here And when the cops came Hiding in the back of the closet And these people would not stop laughing They could not shut their mouths Oh Wasn't I the life and soul? No no no'

'You wouldn't think having a good time Would be so goddamn hard You wouldn't think having a good time Would be so goddamn hard You overthink, you don't have a good time You just wait for it to end You don't think you'll ever try something as Meaningless as this ever again'

the comfort of a laugh track by roar

Why is it so hard to speak To people I don't know Is it something that you learn When constantly alone? When did I become a man Trapped inside a ghost?'

'If you could only see me now I know I'd disappoint somehow I'm stuck inside a fantasy Where I could be all you would need'

'Will I live in shame of the things in the past that I should have done for you? And is it possible to forgive all the ignorant ones if they're just too young?'

'Fake love, yeah, you know you'll be truly missed Fake love must be some kind of abstinence Let's not make much more out of all of this Let's not, but we still can pretend we did'

poor grammar by roar

'I can't see you when I need to How am I supposed to get through? Method-actor, suffering Try repeating once again, this time with feeling Premeditated like some sick joke Waited all night for you Waited all night for you'

to me this entire song really fits william and vyncent

duck or ape by roar literally this entire song. self explanatory lmao

nights like these by pigeon pit honestly this song just gives me the vibes of the three prime defenders just being traumatized kids and comforting each other and stuff, or specifically during the timeskip when it was just will and vyncent just trying to cope, and then dakota trying to find his place with them again after he gets back.

saintly rows (oh oh) by dear and the headlights OK SO. RELIGIOUS TRAUMA WHO?? not to mention the entire song heavily uses death and religious metaphor near interchangeably, and ghosts are used largely as that metaphor. it lends itself very well to his religious upbringing (even if it's not a super large focal point of his character but clearly both his parents are religious, his first idea for his superhero suit had religious imagery which he ended up not going with, and he, with dubious canon implication, has some sort of actual physical aversion to various religious artifacts or rituals such as bibles and praying, along with how much focus charlie puts on the fact that william keeps bringing up that there is no god) which is super super interesting to me. also the song has several allusions to being unable to sleep, paranoia, loss of oxygen and by extension the ability to breathe, 'Caskets for hands bury your plans right next to your songs', 'Out come the gaunt ghosts of your thoughts,' and generally being plagued by some sort of ghostly figures which cause paranoia which in william's case could be the wisps or some sort of extension to how he perceives himself. either way i think the song fits a lot!

im not crying. youre not crying, are you? by dear and the headlights

'Did the seesaw nights put their hands on you? I can't really say, I can't really say Are you swinging from the eaves in a tasteful noose? I can't really say, I can't really say'

in my mind this section fits with how he died the first time, following the wisps in the woods and falling and not wanting to fully admit to himself that he died that night

'You're following a flashlight down utility halls And then you mumble to yourself that this has all been your fault And oh, you're not laughing, you're not laughing, are you?'

this fits with his incessant need to solve mysteries and his tendency to blame himself

'Then the howls and moans pour from the black and it's a sea of blank faces straight to the back Aggressively mediocre in every single way Yet you're the only reason that they came'

this fits with when they went to the spirit world, his own identity crisis and his feelings of inadequacy in comparison to the rest of the team, and being unable to rectify that his own abilities help, and that even without them his friends would still want him around the rest is just like. vibes? and scenes in my head lol.

harness your hopes - b side by pavement

'And the freaks have stormed the White House I moved into a lighthouse It's on a scenic quay, it's, oh, so far away Far away from the beginning, the shroud is made of linen The yearling took the purse, the goth kid has a hearse Heart-breaking, earth-quaking'

'Minds wide open truly Leisure, a leisure suit is nothing It's nothing to be proud of in this late century And I'm asking you to hold me just like the morning paper Pinched between your pointer, your index and your thumb It's a semi-automatic, believers are ecstatic You see the way they cling, the cold metallic sting And I'm living in a coma for Donna de Varona The harness made of hopes, the lovers on the ropes Nun is to church, as the parrot is to perch And my heart's wide open Truly'

i dont wanna die by the unicorns

'I spotted the glow over the mountain, tonight My turn to turn in just when the weather's getting nice I predict: I die in a plane crash I see it now, I die in a car on tour And there's no one to stop this Nobody to loosen death's firm grip on me Doo doo doo doo I die It's true Doo doo doo doo I die And so do you My prophecy is almost complete My finger's on the pulse (But where's the beat?) We don't wanna die in the ocean (Drifting out to sea) We don't want to die in our sleep (-ing bags) DEATH: buckle up boys, we're going for a little ride Death! I just want one more breath! Can you grant me one more please?'

all the dying by mother mother

this entire song just fits him very well i think? especially with his upbringing in deadwood being able to see things that werent there and being able to see ghosts, and how prevalent death was in his life from even before he died

NOT TO MENTION ITS ALSO LIKE HOW HE VIEWS HERO SOCIETY AND HEROISM AS A WHOLE. and his general viewpoint on his own powers and his disdain for his powers especially in association with mallard etc etc

'When I see the damned in their dire straights Damning all the men with those american names I said don't damn the man, damn your hand For makin' a fist and shaking it all around Damn the hand, damn your hand Oh, you can damn the butchers and damn the beef Oh, you can damn the flies in all the heat Or you can damn the dying and dying and dying ♪ Dying and dying and decomposing Dying and dying's for real Dying and dying and pounds of posy Dying and dying's forever When I hear the crying of a siren in the night I think of piles of writhing people, fighting for their lives I see an image of a body, broken and beet red I hear the acappella angels singing for the dead I think of all the butchers and all the beef I think of all the flies in all the heat I think of all the dirt that lays a bed for bones I think of all the words that get written on the stones I think of all the surf that come crashing over souls I think of all the dying'

figure in the background by snake pool rather self explanatory methinks

friendly neighborhood poltergeist by rory webley

self explanatory also, but imo this fits very well with williams crush on vyncent

villains pt1 by emma blackery

'So I'll go I'm better off alone Run and tell them that the villains on my list They're the reason I've been pulled so low Monster, monster, I feel like such a monster Tell them I've been saved But the devil walks amongst ya, amongst ya I'll be the ghost the haunts ya You've seen my demons but you weren't really supposed to You've got me locked up but I'm not like you I'll be my own escape route, you know I'll get you caught up Got my attention I'll make you my victim'

'I don't feel anything Because I became possessed and obsessed With the idea of revenge Where you going now? Everybody's looking at you 'Cause you set yourself on fire just to light up the room'

youre not welcome by naethan apollo

'I can't believe you used to truly scare me You were like a ghost story told to keep me weary But I never listened, no, I slept good 'til morning And when our paths finally crossed, I didn't heed the warning Then push, push, push, push Yeah, you pushed me to the edge I used to dread the thought of falling quickly But now I just wish that you'd send me off that ledge So I can finally fucking take you with me'

basically this can be about his tumultuous relationship with the wisps, mallard conway, or the hero agency as a whole, or a mix of the three! however, i mostly associate this segment with his tie with the wisps and how badly mallard wants him to embrace it (especially the 'i used to dread the thought of falling quickly' because of how william died the first time, and then the 'now i just wish youd send me off that ledge' with him falling down the slope of morality in e31-33)

dead! by my chemical romance

'And if your heart stops beating I'll be here wondering Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life And if you get to heaven I'll be here waiting, babe Did you get what you deserve? The end, and if your life won't wait Then your heart can't take this Have you heard the news that you're dead? No one ever had much nice to say, I Think they never liked you anyway'

'Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand? And wouldn't it be great if we were dead? And in my honest observation During this operation Found a complication in your heart, so long 'Cause now you've got (now you've got) Maybe just two weeks to live Is that the most the both of you can give?'

'If life ain't just a joke Then why are we laughing? If life ain't just a joke Then why am I dead? Dead!'

grave digger by matt maeson

'I can't run to you, Father I need love ♪ I can't talk to you, Mother I know it's got you caught up But your sweet sinless sensation is not my style And I'm not giving up But tell me if I run away How long will I bleed? Tell me if I run away How long will I bleed? ♪ Colors blend They're all black and white ♪ Goddamnit, I cannot bend I'm all shriveled inside'

'Ain't no point in tryna pick-a me up when I'm down Yeah, you can stick out your hand And you can lean towards the ground I'll be tryna suck all of the liquid out the dirt Tryna catch a curve Digging my own grave'

hand me my shovel, im going in by will wood and the tapeworms

'My soul was crushed like a tall boy Underneath the boots on the curb And I'm still picking up my molars And putting them back in my face My name was soiled by a last call spill With a backwash swill and the blackout killed me Sober on impact from a fall from grace Take the road on higher ground And tell me, "Don't look down, you'll fall and break your back" But that just reminds me how there's more to be found beneath the black! This is not enough This is not enough to prove it yet No, I need to hit the bottom This is not enough This is not enough to prove it yet No, I need to hit the bottom (Gotta get to the bottom of this) (Gotta get to the bottom of this) (Gotta get to the bottom of this) Take you with me'

'Looking up, we see the point of entry Between where we are and we've been Looking down, I could say Heaven sent me Hand me my shovel, I'm going in!'

'Gotta gotta gotta get, gotta get, gotta get Gotta get to the bottom of this If it kills me!'

this entire song describes william's need to solve mysteries to a T dude.

hope this made some iota of sense, and sorry for the lack of explanation on most, i just couldn’t figure out a way to properly articulate it 😭 anyway hope you enjoyed lol, i’d love to hear others thoughts and additions if they have any!

#dandy talks #jrwi #jrwi spoilers #jrwi prime defenders #jrwi william #william wisp

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seraphdreams · 5 months

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https://www.tumblr.com/seraphdreams/734650996278558720/hey-seraph-i-know-i-vented-to-you-about-some

Thanks for letting me vent. It means alot to me. And thanks for showing your boundaries as well. If I ever make you uncomfy please let me know. Its also gonna be really long so I hope you don't mind.

It's just that I've been feeling alot more blue since the wedding becuase its just that ever little noise my (POS) younger brother has been making to trigger like roughly barging into my door so that it jiggles and stomping around for the same effect. Its gotten to a point where I can no longer differtiate between the two. Like he hasn't externally been bothering but he's been doing sly shit like slamming himself against my doorknob to jiggle it (what's the word?) And its not even rough its just softly enough to trigger me. And then hes been coming in to the room I'm in, looking at me as if I'm worth less than the scum is his shoe and leaving and after he's already triggered me in just put even lower in terms of mood and self esteem and he's made me feel like I wa sshit and that I have nothing good about me. And he even did it yesterday when I was trying to sleep and he was rocking back and forth and it was really triggering and I wanted to bang on the wall but I was afraid of him and I didn't want to fight him becisse I was afaird of him banging on my door and the general backlash which could cause a fight pulling my hair out (he does that during fights) and he's always just provking me to try snd fight him just so that he can beat me up. And then there's the fact that I cant talk to nobody about it bc my therapist discharged me for three months (that's their policy) and I'm still on the waiting list for counselling and I can't talk to my mum bc she dont fully understand or says that he doesn't (as much as I love her to bits) and I can't talk with my sister bc the last time I ranted to her about ruining my plans we got into an argument and I blocked her. And then on top of that I traumadumped my sisters best friend (who was my designated friend for the day) becuase she knew about the family drama and I thought it was safe to tell her and I also told her about being flirted with by a guy but I thought it was a joke and she reassured me (said that I was above average - beautiful black girl tm) but then she said that I was insecure and constantly looking for validation which alot of girls don't like and even guys and it makes me realise that I do it alot. And I just keep reacting and giving him a reaction bc I get triggered easily and I just don't know how to properly articulate what I'm feeling bc nobody in my family will even listen to me and even say that I'M the one terrifying him. And I talked with teachers and counsellors about it but they just say that all siblings fight like that.

Can you give me advice on how not give him a reactions. Or how to cope with his bullshit. Also what do I do if I am reacting. Sorry for dumping his on you, I just need someone to tell who will listen and not dismiss me.

i just want to say i’m sorry that all of this is happening and people should not be dismissing you especially the ones that are there to help you. that’s no “sibling fight” that’s straight up abuse. and though i’m not well versed on the subject of siblings, i just think that to stop giving a reaction you should stop caring. if i do remember correctly, you said your brother was younger? in that case, it’s futile to give into him since he’s younger and not important.

let’s switch the narrative here — instead of thinking that you’re the problem, think of his behavior. people who are happy with themselves don’t ruin others’ day. in conclusion, he’s just bitter and acting like a child and in that case he needs to grow up. his actions don’t reflect you.

now all of this won’t happen in a day, and if you find yourself reacting just remember that it’s normal in the healing process to fall back, but that just means you gotta push two steps forward. also find things to distract you or rewire your brain from reacting. when you find him provoking you, just think of something else besides his annoyances. something that makes you happy or calms you down. or just switch your focus to a whole new task/topic

#again #i’m really sorry this is going on #no one deserves to live a life like this #i will say #families tend to coddle the men/boys more which results in neglect in the girls/women #if you’re able to #you should bring up that topic to get to the root cause and maybe this will awaken your family members to think about how they treat you #and him #seraph.replies!

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thoughts-and-gayers · 1 year

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ive been thinking about civil rights recently, specifically trans rights, as thats a marginalized group im a part of thats actively being hurt. i see people talking about the awful things done to trans people, the hate speech, the bills signed into law that make it dangerous for us to even exist. its terrifying to me, to think that im going to be leaving high school and entering a world that actively wants to kill me.

i just watched jessie gender's multi-hour video on jk rowling, and it articulated so many of my thoughts about transness in our. current society that i had no idea how to say. one thing she emphasized was how talking about these specific people, these little one-off incidents, is counterproductive. obviously things like hogwarts legacy and "what is a woman" matter, but should we really be talking about them as much as we are when anti-trans bills are passed faster than we can keep track of?

the way our society is right now, short and snappy thoughts about those tiny 24 hour stories are the only thing that gets attention. when you talk about trans rights, youre saying "dont support harry potter", youre not saying "stop the us government from actively hurting trans people".

but people dont listen when you talk about the big stuff. talking about the latest drama is much more entertaining than talking about the actual horrors that people are facing. we're at a point where we can call pointing and laughing at bigots a form of activism.

its so much easier not to learn about the deeper issues. for non-marginalized folk especially, supporting the marginalized celebrity is a lot easier than addressing systematic issues. but we dont get that privilege. we have to go to bat for the big shit, with or without allies. we dont get the luxury, the privilege, of not taking the time to understand and address bigotry and its sources.

im so tired. its exhausting even just learning about everything thats happening. and im not out of high school yet, so theres not a lot i can actually do out there. im trying to learn everything i can about everything thats happening, and its just so exhausting, all the time. on top of that, i also spend my energy on educating other people, trying to get them to understand what's taken me hours of work to get to myself.

and as a white person, i cant even imagine how much harder it must be for POC, especially when they exist at intersections of queerness, womanhood, disability, and/or more. im trying my best to learn about specific struggles that don't necessarily apply to me, but theres so much that a lot of the time i dont even know where to start.

cis, straight, male, white, abled, allo; people who fall under these dont have an obligation to learn about any marginalized group theyre not a part of, especially if theyre not a part of any of them. but they can still go online and say "fuck celebrity x" and get lauded as the pinnacle of allyship. they can make short, snappy, performative displays of their helpfulness without putting in any of the work to actually help. they have the privilege to do so. i as a white person have the privilege to do so, even if i try not to.

im so scared to go out into the world after i graduate and face all these inequalities, to try and deal with the horrors that high school and the internet have only been a small taste of. the most i can do is learn as much as i can before then, but i lose the motivation to every day when theres so little i can do to help; when the people who can help choose to do nothing anyway.

and this post, the closest thing my hungover ass can get to an in-depth analysis, likely wont get any attention at all. its not short, its not snappy, its not entertaining. its just a teenage nonbinary lesbian ranting about existential dread for way longer than he probably should have. and no, this isnt me begging for a reblog otherwise youre a bad person. saying stuff like that doesnt help anyway, since people would just snuff it out of spite instead of looking at the overall message. its just the way things are, not just here but everywhere.

im just so scared, and tired, and sad, and angry, all the fucking time.

#marie long posts #trans rights #civil rights #activism #queer rights #trans #hogwarts legacy #jessie gender #transphobia #bigotry

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blinkyblogblogbloggy · 2 months

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may 11-14, 2022

im gonna try to write about my feelings again because maybe thatll make me feel less like shit all the fucking time. i dont even understand why im so upset about this. like. i think its cuz i romanticized the shit out of him and let myself believe that he liked me and i kinda allowed myself to be vulnerable around him and that he was there when me and noah broke up so he like kinda helped me a lot that night and idk he is rly nice and maybe i was literally in love with him or still am. and maybe the problem is that i realized how shitty that i am that he couldn’t even wanna be friends with me. maybe im such a selfish manipulative bitch that even he couldnt handle it. and i thought that he liked me and maybe that made me feel good about myself. but also i felt like shit because i fucking cheated on noah basically. and he told me i deserved better and i thought he would be the better one but he had a girlfriend and that already made me feel like shit and that time we kissed it was the most pathetic thing ive ever done because it was bad. it was bad and he thinks im pathetic and idk how to stop it i think the root issue is that i think that he thinks im a pathetic stupid idiot bitch liar. and maybe i am. god i hate him but i have no right to because all ive heard is good things about him. god. what the fuck. i need to move on from this but i quite literally dont know how to do that without getting some sort of closure but also THATS SO FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE U DIDNT DO ANYTHING AND HE DOESNT OWE U ANYTHING god.

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think the main issue is that im not a good person and i hate people who are better than me and i guess that makes me even worse. like i hate cameron because she’s quite literally perfect. and it makes me fucking hate myself. shes so pretty and confident and smart and articulate and talented and she has all that i want rly. i saw her and thomas adams today and it literally made me wanna die. im never gonna have that. no matter how much i delude myself into thinking that im this nice hot smart person. no one has ever wanted me for more than a year. if that. i hate myself. i genuinely can’t think of one thing i like about myself. because im not good at school. im not good at art, i havent made a single decent thing in like half a year, i dont do anything outside of school, im ugly, and not skinny, and a liar and im not a good daughter. i hate myself. i think i like being in relationships because then the person can fall in love with some weird fake version of me and i can believe that maybe im half-decent. harry is just another example of how i cant maintain relationships that i care abt. i dont even think i have any genuine friends. im pretty sure they all dislike me severely. god. i. suck.

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im literally in love w him or smth because he’s so nice and i want him to fucking like me too i wish he did how do i get him to like me but also i want noah back because it was so much easier and i could just love him and he loved me and it wasn’t turbulent and weird. and dustin is nice but that’s abt it. i like him but that’s all there is to it and i feel bad for like asking him on a date cuz fuck. but harry is different because he doesn’t even like me lnao and i want him to like me so bad i want him to be in love with me and go out w me and be my fucking bf and it’s so stupid and pathetic but i like him sm

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impermanence of life it’s funny how i really thought we were gonna be together for a long time and how i thought i’d love him for so long not just him but seb too like i thkught she was it like that was the end and it’s so scary how blinding and deceiving and deluding it is to be in love or at least think that u are. even when i tried to be so so so overly pessimistic and realistic with noah i still rly thkught we’d be together for at least a couple years i mean im glad we didn’t cuz like then it’d be even fucking harder to get over it but yeah and i loved him i loved him so much and he made me light up and he loved me too and he also wanted to be with me and that somehow makes it even worse the fact that it’s a mutual temporary affliction jt sucks

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and like it’s so fuckinf scary how in love i was even with noah like so blindly in love or maybe it was good and i just don’t remember i wonder if there’s another universe where we’re still together . i don’t wanna be in it because i know we could both find someone who fits with us better but god it sucks when someone loves you so much and makes you feel so good but then they slip away even if they don’t want to

#2022

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enbyeddiediaz · 3 years

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thinking abt how we never saw eddie and a*a kiss, never saw the physical aspect of their relationship, just the dry ass emotional aspect. also thinking abt how we ONLY see the physical aspect of buck and taylor's relationship and the few glimpses of emotional intimacy consist of taylor wildly misinterpreting what buck needs to hear. thinking abt how the views of buck and eddies respective relationships are the opposite but also so similar, lacking any form of true intimacy, any emotional connection. thinking thoughts

#man....man......#i cant stop thinking but i also dont know how to articulate the thoughts #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #anti eddieana #anti bucktaylor #911 #911 fox #911 on fox

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

resource one

resource two

resource three

#tw addiction #tw drugs #anon #talking

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bobdylanhater1965 · 4 years

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idk how to articulate this but ive been thinking about it a lot and i think that medicating children with adhd before trying literally anything else is maybe not the best thing.

not saying that medication cant be helpful but maybe parents of young children with adhd should do more (i.e. ANY) research about adhd ,explain to their kids the symptoms of adhd, brainstorm together how best to manage their symptoms, and what accommodations would help them do their best in and outside of school settings (because you dont stop having adhd when school is out)

like i went through most of school (~10 years) on various adhd medications that made me shaky, nauseous, lose my appetite, and made my heart beat so hard i could see my heat beat out of my chest and i still barely graduated high school, partly because i didnt know what having adhd really meant, parents and teachers that thought the fact i was medicated meant that my disability wasnt that bad and didnt think that my 504/iep was all that important to follow and even punishing me for following it at some points!

also we need to talk to kids about the side effects that are often overlooked! (rejection sensitive dysphoria!, stimming!, tics!, comorbidities! etc.) but thats probably a whole nother post

#adhd #ik my grammar is bad thats not the point #reblog this if you want i dont care #lee speaks #sorry this is long #pls dont do discourse on this post

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annonrat · 3 years

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Because EVERYONE asked

30. how has your character’s first impressions of their party members changed since they met them? have they stayed the same?

Fairheart - Oh boy. The second Kohl learned Fairheart was an asimar of Helm, Kohl pretty much decided ‘oh wow you must be the most goodest most justicey person ever please teach me the ways of Helm you will never be rid of me’. This soon morphed into ‘You dont care about HELM??!! I will show you the path of justice, you will never be rid of me!’ Kohl has come to respect Fairhearts morals a lot because they are Fairhearts morals and kohl respects fairheart and their ability to philosophize deeper into things that kohl can sometimes, rather than because they think fairheart is a stand-in for helm. They are now such solid freinds (despite the bickering) that if Kohl ever had to choose between Helms justice and Fairheart, they would probably choose fairheart without thinking about it (and have a crisis later). Fairheart influences their ideology a lot and Kohl is quite aware that she wouldnt be the same person without that infuence.

At first: HOLY HELM PERSON MUST LEARN AND FOLLOW!!!

Now: not holy helm person but still VERY good, maybe even better. Also cute??! and Kohl cant really imagine living without them.

Orbit - Kohl originally thought Orbit was very sweet (because fluffy!) and also Needed Protection because Squishy. Now she respects how god damn powerful and terrifying he can be.... she still thinks he needs to be protected, but more from himself that from monsters XD She hasn’t personally had to come face to face with the fact that her and Orbit have some opposing views of morality yet, although she technically Knows that is the case... she has been avoiding thinking about it. Partially because her and orbit both dont always think things through as much as they should (cough-pit fighting night - cough) and she cant be sure that that doesnt mean she doesnt ALSO has similar gaps in righeousness herself.

at first: KITTY! UWU

now:strong firend but background discomfort of not being SURE orbit is dedicated to doing Good and that might be a Problem one day?? But also she cares about him and he is Scary Strong but good god stop putting yourself in danger for no reason youre going to make us all turn grey

Firbolg - Kohl really didnt know what to make of the Firbolg at first. She quickly became to know him as a Very Strong Softie and kind of naieve. While those things have stayed true, she trusts him pretty completely to be able to take care of himself and others, and she really appreciates not having to worry about ONE person on the battlefeild. After the shared ‘fairheart diead and it must be my fault’ trauma, her and firbolg are pretty tight found-family friends. As soon as firbolg articulated that he wanted to be part of a fmaily, it was a no-brainer to kohl that that meant he was THEIR family now. She is also very glad for him being so close to Orbit, since Orbit is the party member Kohl understands the least, so she can’t always figure out how to help him and is glad Firbolg can.

at first: weird tall boy who doesnt seem to like fighting even though he is good at it and that is ’????’ to kohl

now: FRIEND! Reliable! Does not need worrying about THANK GOD

Rillix

at first: KITTY!!!

now: OUR kitty

#campaign: helm's angels

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tigerdrop · 4 years

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okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........ he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

#asky #writin stuff

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bladekindeyewear · 3 years

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HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding. (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship? Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right? We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk. I guess it’s overdue. :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not? So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah. Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well. Low-point. Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move. No Breath huh? What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help. XD She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap. And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh! No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back. He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess. (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh. Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep! Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor. Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME. What is that outfit and pose. Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling. JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD. Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry? Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars? Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something? (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task? And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch. Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was. (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous? I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~ get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit? Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no. Wait. What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!? Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES. God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN! And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise! If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!? And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they?? This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to. FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad. Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is. OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it???? For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing. And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely. :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories. Is it just the Hiveswap device or something? If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline. Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation? What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage! And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction. “ok.” Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility. Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John. ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No? So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck? Calliope SAW all this? Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there? And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already. Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep. Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline. It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck. You’re going to regulate non-canon? “Canonize” it? Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it. Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point. Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention! That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough. Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit. Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska. Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--? Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?! I don’t know. Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there. But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?! Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #Homestuck^2 #spoiler #spoilers #Roxy Lalonde #John Egbert #Calliope

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anarchy-in-the-pre-k · 3 years

Text

thoughts i finally wrote down about “real literature” and whether or not art is worth it at all, i just dont know anymore

ive been thinking along these general lines for like a year or two now, and i dont know why im only now writing them down, but i wrote this specifically at 3AM so please don’t judge my writing. also, the more I think about it, the more I’m unsure whether or not this mini-essay only applies to the emptiness of existentialist stories bc i honestly cant think of a way that this would apply to, say, any christian narratives. maybe its just an issue i have with modern novels specifically. oh god oh god oh god im rambling, time to just paste what I had before:

We have often been told that there is a separation of “class” in literature. There is “high” literature, and there is “low” literature. Even in its most innocent form, this distinction is incredibly vague, and I feel as though most arguments against the dichotomy/distinction are far more political/idpol-focused than they need to be in order to prove that it’s bullshit.

I think that it might be easier to define “low literature” first, and then to define high literature as its opposite rather than defining high literature on its own. “Low literature” is often directly equated with escapism, or at the very least, is defined with some combination of “escapist”, “poorly written” (subjective), “low brow” (often in reference to lurid/vulgar subject matter, which warrants this complaint being filed under “escapist”), or “shocking” (see: low brow). And escapism is much more clearly defined than the vague term “low literature”.

Escapism is, simply, letting a work of art help you forget about your real life. It is a story that is enticing/enrapturing to the point that the audience is able to enjoy it without thinking about how it relates to reality. You don’t go to escapism for moral instruction or the articulation of vague feelings that are dawning on you because of your political/social circumstances. In a way, you read escapist stories to forget nearly everything except for the story itself, and the story does not put on airs about having any application in reality.

What is the opposite of escapism/low literature then? High literature must be the rejection of “escape”, and the embracing of narratives which seek to “impact” the reader morally/philosophically/politically. High literature concerns itself only with how meaning might be carried from the story to the outside world.

This seems to be a good distinction, if a simplistic one. The distinction, however, falls apart when one tries to consider the genuine impact of most pieces of “high literature” that one has read.

How many times have you read a sort of Glass Menagerie-esque story about a man who, after witnessing the absurdity of his surroundings and the randomness of life, decides to shirk all of his responsibilities and run off into the sunset to pursue a more fulfilling existence of doing whatever he pleases? Nearly every novel I read in high school had this formula. How liberated did you, the reader, feel after witnessing this transformation? How inspired did you feel to change your own life after deciding that the main character had the right idea?

How much did you actually change your life afterwards? When was the last time you’ve read a “deep” book, that actually changed the way in which you live day-to-day? This euphoria that lingers after a character swears off all absurdity and begins to live authentically? Did it imprint itself on you? Or was it just another way to distract yourself from your miserable material existence?

Was it a way to escape?

Was it, if anything, a more convincing escape than Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings because you thought that it had actually changed you? Or did it just affirm what you already believed about the world, and promised that one day you will be happy too because now you know all of the same things as this main character? Did you believe that promise?

From another angle- When this character rode off into the sunset to live a more authentic life, what exactly do you think this means for them? If they had suffered materially under a cruel political/social situation, then what is the fulfilment they ultimately seek by freeing themselves from “society, man!!!”? Better food? Sex? Travel? Anything that mundane?

A lot of these questions I’m leveling at myself because I’d considered Catch-22 to be my favorite novel ever since I first read it when I was 13. And maybe these are the sort of questions that only apply to atheistic, entry-level existentialist narratives anyway. But even though I considered Catch-22 to have had such an impact on my worldview and the way that I lived when I was younger, when I ask myself directly “How did I start living differently after having read Catch-22”, I end up drawing a blank. I already saw myself as a heroic slacker, I already had much contempt for the purposefully confusing powers-that-be all around us that force us to accept self-contradictions as a natural part of thought, and I already desperately wanted a logical reason to care about anybody other than myself because all signs were pointing towards me becoming a self-centered asshole (which I didn’t want to be, I just considered myself a rational person, so I wanted a rational reason for not becoming a libertarian basically). I think about all of that and realize that Catch-22 didn’t do much more for me than remind me that I’m not alone in these thoughts.

My only real question now is not whether or not to stop consuming fiction altogether (which I’ve considered, believe me), but whether or not I have so little dignity that I can start to read the most poorly-written comic books and science fiction and absolute garbage out there and say to myself “this is just as impactful as Moby Dick”. Or whatever.

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itshesdimples · 4 years

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-Hello to anyone reading. This is my first time writing something and putting it out for the world to see. That being said, I would love any constructive criticism you have to give me. Thank you for any support you may give me, I cant thank you enough xoxo ~H -

I remember the day as if it were yesterday; the day you crossed the unimaginable line.

I thought we had everything, I thought I was your everything.

2 MONTHS AGO

"Hey sunshine, just calling to let you know I wont be able to make it home this time. I'm sorry, the label has me doing something that I'm not sure is a good idea but they say it will help me in the long run." He sighs at the end, I imagine him palming his forehead.

"Look, I need you to listen to me when I tell you that you are everything to me, you make me want to become the best version of myself. During the months we have been together I have seen the best and worst side of you and I'm not running, promise. I want you to be mine forever, do you hear me? Just remember that." Harry expelled.

You were a little worried, seeing as you two had been together for a little over nine months and it was extremely rewarding. The time apart has always been different to the other relationships she had been in the past but with Harry it seemed like more than she had ever received from the previous men.

As a surgical intern you work countless hours and never really get more than a few hours to yourself, so when you met Harry you really never saw it going anywhere. You were just too happy for your own good, openly expressing your life to perfect strangers and expecting them all to be accepting of who you are.

* 9 MONTHS AGO*

The hospital you worked at allotted 80 hours a work week and as hopeful as you may be feeling, there is a little voice in the back of your head telling you not to go bar hopping. "Just one drink and then water." you emphasize to your good friend Mike, the bartender.

"Vodka soda coming right up, Dr. Demanding." He chuckles. You turn around in the chair and stare at all the fellow drunks, looking for your intern comrades who should be here by now.

Although you dont find your friends, you spot a very handsome, familiar face coming toward you. Admiring the face across from you, you decide to take the first step following by the downing of your vodka soda. " You dont seem to be familiar with the very famous bar here in town so you must not be from around here," you tease, holding out your hand to shake. "I'm [Y/N]. Not to sound weird but have we met before?" You get a very bold feeling of deja vu but laugh it off. "I'm sorry, my friends are supposed to be here by now and I'm socially handicapped, sometimes I dont know when to stop talking." Now you're just rambling at the breathtaking man in front of you and feeling red in the cheeks.

"Its alright love, I sometimes feel socially handicapped around exquisite women such as yourself. Actually, that sounded like you're one of hundreds but I-- what I meant to say was that, you seem a little lonely. Can I buy you a drink?" He rambles, tugging at his jacket.

"I am only allowed one drink, I know it sounds weird but I'm on a ticking time bomb, you see this?" You pull out your pager, "any moment this thing will go off and I have to skip back to work like a dreamy little school girl but inside I am dying of starvation, need a beer and twenty hours sleep." You just keep spitting up word vomit and your face is permanently pink but you just cant stop because what if it gets quiet? Now that's when it gets awkward.

"I don't think we have ever met because I'd remember you" Harry confirms, looking you up and down your shapely body. "What do you do for a living that has you on such a tight leash?" Taking a sip of his beer, he stands up and walks next to the chair you're sitting in.

"Surgical intern, Dr. [Y/L/N] at your service, sir." You cant help but crack a little bit of the tension you have building up in your stomach while talking to him but that doesn't stop you from staring him in the eyes and trying your best to flirt.

The aura around him is too intoxicating, too much to handle without trying to add a little humor in the mix. "I like it when you call me sir, Dr. [Y/L/N] but how long have you been a doctor? I'd love to get to know you before you have to leave me." He articulates, trying to captivate her attention.

"I love my job but it has been a long winded road, it feels like years but I've only been a real doctor for a little over two months. It takes a lot out of me but that is why I'm glad I have two great friends who I can lean on. We keep each other afloat and they're also my roommates. I don't know where I would be without them." All of that poured out of my mouth before I had the chance to cork it but I couldn't help telling him something about myself that was at least surface level.

He just seems like an eerie case of the best illusion I've ever seen. I cant help but shake the feeling that I've known him all my life, like telling him the ins-and-outs of my life wouldn't be detrimental to my health.

"Now tell me something about yourself. For starters maybe your name? I've never seen you here before and I'm here all the time so I'm pretty good at knowing who is an out of towner, and I don't know how much time I have left." You're trying to get to know him and that is so unlike you. Having had boyfriends in the past, you were never the one asking the questions or wanting to get to know them more than a few dates and drinks. The longest relationship you have ever had was two months and you two went to high school together.

"Hi I'm Harry, and I don't know how much longer I get to sit next to you so please can I have your number, sunshine? I would love to take you for dinner sometime soon." Harry is going out on a whim asking for your phone number but keeps going, "From what I have gathered you are a very busy woman and I admire that, love it even. I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I know you already and I have never felt that with another person so please give me a chance, I will work around your schedule. I dont care what it--" he is stopped when your pager goes off as an emergent patient being admitted, all hands on deck you assume.

"Sunshine, huh? I like it." You wink at him and ask Mike for a pen so you can scrawl your number on a napkin and thank Harry for a very pleasant chat. It was good to know that he felt for you, as you did him after just meeting the man, and his nickname for you was adorable.

For the next two weekends you spent getting to know Harry on a personal note. He told you he loved writing music, performing and was already an amazing talent. Harry showed you his latest music and you wondered how you hadn't connected the dots sooner. You knew he was a very private person, as he told you on your first date.

(FLASHBACK)

"I'd love to get to know your friends, and see what kind of person you are. I can't wait to know you but I just want you to know that I can't have a lot of people knowing what is going on in my personal life." He sighs, you two sat down at dinner and he couldn't help but spit out what he wanted to tell you when you first met. "I don't want to sound pretentious or come off as someone who cares about his appearance to others but I have to tell you that I make music for a living and have quite the lot of fans. Screaming fans to be exact, " he chortles, asking the waiter for a bottle of wine to start off, "but I can't help but love them all. They made my career but I have to remain a private person. I adore my fans but they are very protective and I don't want our relationship to struggle because of a few of them saying unkind things." He grabs your hand and looks you in the eyes, trying to make you understand the reason for privacy.

"I've never met anyone like you Harry and I meet a lot of people on the regular. You have this way about you that draws me in and I want to get to know you. If that means that I cannot post my gushing about you on social media, so be it. I really like you and would like to know who you are." You declare, hoping he understands that he as a person means more than everyone understanding her lifestyle choices.

(END OF FLASHBACK)

Tonight was the night you knew you wanted to understand him on an even more personal level. You knew that the way you felt for him wasn't a normal crush, wasn't even a normal type of love. You knew he had the power to hurt you if he wished to do so but that was so far in the back of your mind. He meant so much to you already that it didn't matter you two were keeping your relationship a secret from most of the world, apart from a select few. It was the best date of them all, Harry cooked you and your best friends dinner so when you got off work, dinner was on the table. He was always so thoughtful of your needs and you thought it was the time to prioritize his.

"Take me to bed Harry." You whimper, "I want you."

*7 MONTHS LATER*

Things were hectic in your life but that was the way they always were but now it seemed like days stretched past 24 hours and turned into a marathon sprint that never ended.

The day Harry unmistakably broke you was the day that sleep had everything on you. Going for days on end was something you were accustomed to but after he cut you deeper than you could ever be, sleep seemed to be your only friend.

You thought you knew him better than anyone. He was your Harry, your everything, even your person maybe?

But when his decision to take his career to the next step interfered in your relationship, your life; that was the day to call it quits no matter the devastation. He may have been your soulmate but maybe, just maybe it wasn't right. The timing, the place of it all was just too much. Your life just didn't have room for much else, especially someone who was willing to hurt you unimaginably and not walk away in order to lessen the blow.

*2 WEEKS BEFORE THE INEVITABLE *

That was two hours ago and within those two hours you knew it was best to stay off your phone. You keep telling yourself to not look for anything leading you to clues about his voice mail. It wasn't like him to express his feelings over the phone, he was an in person 'declare-my-love-for-you' type of man so when you listened to it you thought it was best to stay off your phone.

Trailing off to the shower in pursuit of getting to work, you hear your phone's inescapable shrill from your bedroom and decide to opt away from contact to that thing.

As soon as you leave for work is when your heart stops, skips a few beats and then plummets into your stomach.

"Harry Styles in a relationship with Camille Rowe? That is the best thing I have heard all week. The star tells us that they met months ago and kept it a secret in order to get to know each other. We cant wait for updates on their relationship. Now on to the juic--" That's all you can hear for the rest of the day, ringing in your mind like it is an announcement on the P.A. at work for all to hear.

You knew that was the end of everything. Devastation didn't even hit the mark, it was like everything in the world was on fast forward and you were still trying to get through the commercials. Nothing made sense any more, the glass was no longer half full. It was completely drained and then smashed on the ground into a million little pieces. That was how her whole body felt, like it was just shattered on the ground, irreparable.

The damage was done and there was nothing holding you back from wailing like a siren in front of all of the patients waiting for surgery, but your best friends always had your back. Making sure you eat during lunch and taking you to the bar at the end of your shift so you can drink the bottle dry.

Just shy of a half hour sitting at the bar was when you were cut-off by Harry running into the bar rambling about how he thought they were spinning the tabloids another way.

"I thought they were going to report that we just met and were already dating, I would have never let them ruin what we had by saying I knew her while you and I were together. I told them exactly what to say! I don't even know her, we just met." He jumbles his sentences trying to get hold of his clear message.

You stand up from your seated position and start motioning for him to join you outside. Once out there, you decide what is best moving forward.

"While we were together?" You scoff, trying to be as civil as can be under your obvious exhaustion, throwing your hands up in exasperation.

"At least you said something truthful in the last two minutes you decided to interrupt my break. Yes, you and I are no longer together. Honestly we should have never started something, our careers couldn't be more opposite and honestly I cannot afford to ruin my career over someone who wants to build his on lies. So thank you for what we had but from now on I would like to move forward, away from you." You keep talking in order to get your point across, hoping that when all is said and done there will be closure on both ends.

You know that Harry does care for you but in these last twenty four hours you've learned is that maybe you can't have it all. Maybe happily-ever-afters are only for the imagination.

Maybe life throws things at you so you can overcome them but there are times like these when she wonders what the message is supposed to be?

Is there a message?

That you can have one person in your life that should be your forever but just cant fit in there?

"I know we never said it but I do love you, I think I always will but we can't make it fit. The time we spent together was great and I hope there is a lesson in there somewhere. I can only believe that closure is what we need now." She grabs on to his shoulder and goes in for a hug to end the conversation but he pulls back,"How could you think that we need closure? What we need is each other. I need you, in my life with me forever. You are always going to be the only one for me, I just know it." He grabs on to her and holds for dear life, hoping that he can convey her to stick it out for them both.

"I know what I'm feeling is selfish because I never want to hurt you but my career is part of my life and I can't run away from who I am but I want you in my life, always. I will never stop loving you." Harry pulls away and looks in her eyes with tears in his," I cannot fathom a life without my sunshine. Maybe the timing is wrong but cant we make it right?"

[Y/N] pulls away, trying to compose herself and make the most rational decision. She needs to think about her life and what she needs, not anyone else. "Harry Styles, while being with you was the best rollercoaster ride of my life, and if I could stay on forever I would do so; I have to get off. I need to pull away for the sake of my head and heart. Being with you makes me happy but when it interferes with my work, which is saving lives, I have to be on one hundred percent all the time. You have clouded my thoughts and judgement, and while being a star is part of who you are, being a doctor is me so I cannot give up who I am. Sometimes maybe love isn't enough?" By this point you can't hold back the sobs you have held in since you knew the inevitable truth and holding them back would be foolish, so you let them come.

Harry tries to grab onto you with the little strength he has left from crying and lack of sleep. "I cannot let you get away. You are my everything! I canno--" he tries to catch his breath in between the racks of his heart," please, please do not leave me [Y/N]. We can make this work. I love you and that is enough, it is enough for me. Please." Harry whispers the last part, crouching in front of you and trying to hold you to him.

"It isn't enough for the both of us Harry, and you know it." You're trying to hold back until you can be alone. All you want is to crawl in bed and become dead to the world because that's how you feel right about now. " I will always love you and maybe one day that love will be enough but right now I just don't see how that is possible Harry. I can't rationalize what is happening in our relationship and tell you that we will make it through it. The best thing to do is cut our ties before we start to resent each other." You take one last breath, looking at your friends inside the bar. You signal to them that you're leaving, and say the one thing that you know will hurt the most.

"I can't try anymore to be with you so this is my goodbye. I wish you the best Harry, I really do." In the middle of all this you had a death grip on his hands but now is the time to walk away from one of the best things to happen to you. As gut wrenching as it is, the best thing for the both of them was to move on. Worry about the time in their career when it is at the peak so as hurtful as it is, she knows that she is doing what's best.

You pull away from his grasp, looking down at him kneeling on the ground and kiss his forehead. "I love you." You whisper through tears.

All you can hear behind you is wails of sirens, drunk people cheering on the football game inside but the one thing that is the loudest is Harry's cries. As soon as you walk away you break down into a blubbering mess. Your friends catch up after you, while looking at the mess you and Harry made behind. You can hear Harry's cries of desperation and the only thing your heart is telling you to do is 'go back, go back to him' but you know it's not logical.

If it is meant to be you will make it work at a better time. Things will come together and make sense one day but not when her mind is a fuzzy mess. Maybe weeks, months or years later she will understand what it means to have love be enough. It has to mean something right?

Good byes may hurt but sometimes they are unsurpassable. Sometimes they come barreling into your life totally unexpected and ruin something you thought could be forever.

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