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anastasiaskarsgard · 4 years

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Roman knows best

*Part of the tragic tale of Roman and Hailey”

Hailey watched the clock tick down closer to the end of the day. She only had another 2 minutes and had already packed everything to make a quick escape. As soon as the bell sounds, nothing was going to stop her from getting out of there. It wasn’t that she hated school, she actually liked it, but she needed to avoid her ex.

She could no longer tolerate his jealousy and violent temper. Although his rages mainly consisted of getting screamed at and him breaking things, he’d recently gotten physical and she knew once that line was crossed, it only would get worse.

RRIIIIIINNNNNNGGGG!

Hailey jumped up and raced for the door, ducking out behind a tall portly fella, she hoped he’d be a good enough shield to go by unnoticed. Roman had been trying to speak to her all day but she had only gone to her classes. She had scheduled all her classes back to back since she was trying to get her degree in half the time, so she could hurry up and get into law school, and escape him for good.

Currently it was looking like her plan might work and she felt a rush of excitement when she didn’t see him waiting in the front. Glancing through the windows, over to where Roman always parked, she was elated to find his car missing.

Then she saw him out of the corner of her eye, and tried to act like she hadn’t noticed him, making her way to the exit doors.

“Wtf is your problem? I lose my temper on people all the time! You need to be less sensitive... everyone has bad days.” He justified indignantly. “Would you fucking LOOK AT ME?”

Her blood froze in her veins. Thankfully there were lots of people around so he wouldn’t hurt her... she hoped.

“No.” She stated, not turning to look at him and continuing on to walk to her car.

“No?” He scoffed incredulously. “No? And here I thought you loved me. What happened to that girl, because whatever cunt you turned into, is getting old real quick.” He reached out and pulled her to him.

“You don’t love anyone Roman. Not even yourself.” She seethed, still refusing to turn around, and trying to shake him off without drawing too much attention.

“Oh like you know what the fuck I feel? Now I don’t love you?” He raged, whipping her around like a rag doll and getting right in her face. “FUCK YOU!” He screamed, breathing like he’d just run a marathon.

People around them froze mid step but Roman didn’t seem to care. He was well known by everyone, so anytime he was around, people stared, but this was starting to look like an audience. Well if he wanted to make a scene, she’d do it. She knew he wasn’t very comfortable with the subject of love, so maybe that would shut him up.

Haley’s beautiful blue eyes narrowed into an icy glare. “Love doesn’t lash out in anger. If you don’t love me enough to guard what you say, then you’re not mature or responsible enough to love. “

“Well you know what? Love also doesn’t ignore or shut down. If you really loved me, you’d fight for me and never pull this pouting silent treatment bullshit!”

“Don’t confuse strong emotion for love, love isn’t just a feeling. It’s action and sacrifice!” She spit back.

“You think I don’t know that? You think you’re the first person claiming they love me? I’m upset now but I’ll be over it by tomorrow. Do you know how many women would love to be you?”

She glanced around and to her horror, saw several girls nodding their heads and giggling to each other. “Then by all means go bother them but they won’t ever really love you! They don’t know you! They might all say they love you, but I’m the first one that means it. You can’t mean it because you haven’t got the room. Your heart is too full of hate, pride, and fear to fit any love in it. That’s why it’s so easy for you to move on and walk away. You havent-“

“Stop it! Stop saying these things. I can’t-“ he pleaded. All arrogance melting away to that scared boy she found almost impossible to turn her back on. Almost being the key word here.

“Well I won’t settle for what you have to give.” She hissed, turning away from him, refusing to meet his eyes.

“No?” He growled, caging her in his arms. “Why is your heart rate rising and your breathing different? Why is it that you shudder when I touch you? Why are your eyes closed?” He growled lowly into her ear “I love you so much baby,” he said pressing their bodies together closely, making it obvious how much he wanted her “let me prove it. Actions speak louder than words.”

She hated him. He was so manipulative! She turned her head to look at him and opened her eyes only to have her lose her train of thought. She hated he was so damn beautiful. Roman Godfrey was not the best boyfriend, but god he was attractive. Could that be enough? She tore her eyes away and tried to push him away half heartedly but he only growled in the back of his throat, and aggressively crashed his lips into hers. She hated herself for responding to his kiss. No she refused to give in again. She’d fight! Gathering all her strength she heaved against him.... he didn’t even budge, just pulled his face back and snapped his eyes down to her, but she looked down at the last minute. Something kept telling her not to look at him, and she didn’t want to look anywhere else, since this was still very public. She reminded herself that the audience would guarantee this fight wouldn’t escalate to physical violence, but they still were frustrating.

“Don’t push me away baby.” He whimpered “I cant take it.”

“Roman, you never listen to me!” She wailed hopelessly, “just let me go! This isn’t fun anymore.”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up.”

**********

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” He screamed in her face, panting out of breath again. He felt a full on panic attack enveloping him and he couldn’t understand what her problem was. He focused on his breathing and tightened his grip on her so she wouldn’t escape.

He’d give her anything she wanted except freedom. Any other girl would be beside herself with joy that he’d even acknowledge them, but not Hailey. She had to be difficult. Was that why he loved her so much? No. He wasn’t that petty.

God knows it would be a lot easier if he could just let her go, but even the thought hurt his heart.

He pulled himself out of his thoughts and back to the present. Looking down at his lovely girlfriend, rekindled the fire from earlier. She still was refusing to meet his eyes, and he found her stubbornness adorable. She would be his little whore, no matter how he had to make it happen. She was his. End of story.

He pressed himself closer to her, and although she tried to hide it, his upir senses could smell, hear and feel her body responding to him. Physically, she was still his, he just needed to work on mentally. Oh fuck it, he had no moral high ground to fucking worry about, and her strong will was one of her worst features. It was becoming more painful each time he compelled her, but love hurts right?

Placing his hand on her face, he gently pushed some hair behind her ear, like they were in some awful romantic novel. “You’re so beautiful baby, I’m sorry. Just look me in the eye, and tell me you want me to leave you alone and I will.” He said as sincerely as he could without laughing.

She looked thoughtful, eyebrows knitting together before looking up at him hopefully.

Got you bitch.

“You got all your things and you can’t wait to come to the mansion with me because you love me so much. You are so happy I forgave you for being so mean, and you’re going to make it up to me by letting me do whatever I want to you. As soon as we walk in my bedroom, you’re going to strip naked and get on your knees like the bitch in heat you are.” He said as he stared in her eyes intensely. He dropped his hand down to hers, and pulled on her hand, before walking towards the exit.

Hailey stared blankly at Roman and followed him quietly. He turned back to look at her and a A big smile flashed across her gorgeous features and she pulled him back into a passionate kiss, but pulled back suddenly when she tasted blood.

“Oh no Roman! Your nose is bleeding! Let’s go straight to the mansion and I’ll make you feel all better.” Now she was pulling him along to his car almost jogging she was walking so fast.

They passed a group of girls and Roman could hear them whispering how lucky Hailey was, and the things they would do to him if they only got a chance. Hailey really should feel grateful he went to all this effort for her. He really was an amazing boyfriend. Anyone else would give up on her and let her go. Luckily he knew what was best for her.

*********

Hailey felt like she had been mad about something, but she couldn’t remember what for. She was just happy to be with Roman. Thank goodness he forgave her for being mean! Mean about.... hmmm. She’d think about that later, right now she was just happy she had such a wonderful boyfriend.

#bill skarsgard #roman godfrey #roman and hailey #my writing

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe.

so let’s start it like this instead.

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are. Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted.

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along.

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff.

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate.

Obedient - submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to.

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt.

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood.

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid.

Strength - legal, logical, or moral force; degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved.

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman?

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable.

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry.

Tired - drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own.

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood.

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me.

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime.

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear.

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine.

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while.

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew.

blame Monday.

#anxitey #define me #monday #mental breakdown

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