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#i could be a parent without being my own parents

negative in tags feel free to ignore as it is entirely me bitching

#not my mother asking me questions about my mental health with all the same tact as when i was at one of my lowest points ever#i dont knowwwwww it was 13 years ago maam but it might have been me being miserable and not eating or sleeping normally for months#and you telling me to pray about it instead of doing literally anythinggggg#literally thinking about all the times my parents demonstrated to me that beyond a home clothes and food i was on my own#and thats one of the worst ones#her going 'well you need to work on building trust' like 1) fuck off 2) i wonder why i wouldnt believe people i care about care about me#i am going to have to move myself 1000 miles in the fall because my parents wont social distance for two weeks to keep me safe#i have to take out nearly 15k extra in loans for living expenses because im not as important as sunday morning church service#i cant even call and share whats going on without it turning into a lecture on all the things i should have done differently to prepare#everything ive done and survived and achieved i did entirely alone and now i get to be picked at for 'not trusting people'#or being angry about things ive 'already gotten an apology for' like apologizing covers past present and future#when shes still doing the exact same things with new ways to say why im actually wrong or not really experiencing what i 'think i am'#my memories of my mother being her locking me in my room at night and 'disciplining' us with anything nearby and telling me not to come home#and every single time without fail 'well that couldnt have happened' or 'well if thats true im sorry' or 'well how could i remember that'#i told her everything when we talked last week only to get 'well youre focusing on the bad we were a lot happier than you remember'#i WASNT happy i learned no one would listen to me and perfection was all that mattered and i was only worth what i could give or do#im STILL working through that and now im supposed to make space and time to gently and vaguely explain and let go of my anger#so that we can have a relationship predicated on how im 'not who i think i am because that will change as i move forward'#read: 'you only think youre queer so you talking about that or your blackness makes me uncomfortable bc i hope its only a temporary focus'#i care about her but i dont get anything positive from being around her#and im pissed that she wants me to 'meet her in the middle' like im responsible for any of her hurt or discomfort#'you seemed fine and i was abused too so if you dont let it go or let me treat you however i want now youre being abusive and manipulative'#ok im done im just...mad as all hell#negative#words words
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i would commit so many sins and crimes to be alone in my own house for one (1) hour.

#shit chat#i talk to ppl who are like 'i live alone it's hell i miss being around people' and i'm sure it is#but i have been packed like sardines in a duplex with 3 other people for going on a whole year#during which time i've had maybe? 3?? hours total? of alone time#as opposed to pre-covid when i specifically scheduled my days off for days when everyone else worked so i could be alone#at least twice a week for several hours#i love my family and it's a safety thing that we all need to stay home but holy fuck i'm ready to murder someone#every time they look at me speak to me do anything i am just. filled with defensive rage#i need my SPACE!!!!!!!!#and fuckin. every tiny little pet peeve is amplified 100x. i get so irritable about the stupidest shit#i asked my parents if they could maybe go for a drive or a nice walk by the river so i can be alone for a little and they laughed it off#you don't understand i am deeply introverted and if i don't get to be by myself in my own home soon i will end up doing something i regret#god my mental health has been TANKING the last few weeks and literally just like an hour of Me Time would do wonders to fix it#me time in the building i live in. not me time where i have to leave the house when it's fucking cold as shit to hear myself think#bc i am a fairly clean/quiet/unobtrusive roommate but my parents just Sprawl and the house is calibrated to their preferences#as a default so everything is just. slightly off from how it would be comfortable for me#i'm gonna cry i literally just want to have a morning to myself where i can take my time waking up and play music in the kitchen#and not speak to anyone or be perceived and nobody's shit's in my way and the TV isn't constantly on#and heaven forbid i can jack off once a year without having to be completely silent FUCK
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