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#i could do that if i had...idk the willingness to persevere through it
kelsiersshadow · 3 years
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hey buds tonight we’re thinking about the scathing, iconic, spiteful way jesper said “i can read to him”
in my head it sounds hissed but also like he said it through clenched teeth kinda cause i gotta imagine being armed and that close to van eck was not putting jesper in a particularly calm mood.
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Hey, I just saw that ask the thing about questions about your fic and decided to do it!!♥ So this is the most cliche question but to me, it's an interesting one: What inspired you to write "In You Heartbeat" ?? Love ya ♥
Woah, I like the question. It’ have stared at my computer for a long while now, trying to figure out how to answer it correctly.
I guess what inspired me to write it was the drive to test the characters. I wanted to test Natalia as a sister, a protector, but also a scared girl in the Red Room, willing to do the impossible to save those she loves. I wanted to test Bucky as the man that would, if given the chance, hold on to humanity no matter the cost to his wellbeing or sanity; I wanted to show the resilience, the survivor, but without ignoring the toll it takes on one’s self.
I guess the soulmate trope was secondary to this at the end. I wanted to show these sides of Bucky and Natalia, I wanted to tell a story about something so inherently weakening like a soulmate is in a world like Bucky’s when under Hydra, like Nat’s in all her life; but have them persevere past that weakness.
I also wanted to work the dichotomy of Remembering-Forgetting when it comes to Bucky. I think it’s an incredibly interesting topic to work on as a writer. Take Jefferson, because I’m not going to start blabbering on about my original story, he was cursed with remembering everything in a world where everyone forgot. He was quickly my favorite character of the bunch when I was watching Ouat.
And Bucky could be considered to be on the other side of the spectrum, but to me there is a lot more than just forgetting. It’s forgetting your own name but being wired to remember perfectly the most horrible things a human can do when certain people say certain words. It’s having memories from a past long gone, a man in a world that is no longer there, and living in a world that makes no sense to that man that died when he fell from that train but is stubbornly trying to survive still. It’s working through James’ memories, the Soldat’s sins, and Bucky’s trauma; and I wonder many times if Bucky -the one after it all- would rather forget, sometimes. I’m spoiling some of my thoughts and topics to go on in Bucky’s chap, but whatever. And I wanted, in this story, to test that too, I guess. To give Bucky something even Hydra couldn’t take away, a certainty that even after her death was soothing, was saving in a way.
Also, I am obsessed with the weight -emotional, psychological- of names. Especially in Bucky and Nat. Take Bucky’s reaction in TWS to a mention of his name, not seeing Steve, not hearing his voice, but hearing his own name in Steve’s voice. Take his insistence through CW and Black Panther that his name is Bucky. Not Sgt Barnes, not James. Bucky. His identity clings to that name, that space in between the guy from the forties and the broken soldier of today.Take Natalia’s willingness to forget her name, changing it when the need demands it so, but in a way always holding on to it. Natalia Romanova, Natasha Romanoff, Natasha Romanov, Natalie Rushman.
And in a world where names matter the most, where names give meaning to the proverbial other half, I wanted to test them there. I wanted to show the way his soulmate’s name was so important to Bucky that he held on to it for seventy years, that it is the first thing he says in the morning upon waking up, that almost chipped away at the Soldier when he heard her voice in Chap 2. I also wanted to show Nat, terrified of the name on her sister’s heart, willing to break her own soul to erase the person she loves the most from the curse of a name; I wanted to test her resolve when it came to saving her sister, showing her go as far as to have her forget her own name in order to save her, have her let go of one of the only things that Hydra wasn’t able to take from the girls and the life they had before, just for a chance at her sister’s safety.
Of course the Reader Character was not made up in a second, and I love her equally (although fuck, would I give her away for a corn chip if I got to write Kseniya again, idk why), and I wanted to have her twist and bend through several situations, test her as a character too, but I also wanted to show her role when it came to Bucky and Nat.
I wanted to test her resolve as a sister, wanted to make her strong but also a weak link to so many people. I wanted to test someone that escaped the idea as a whole of having a soulmate, and pit her against the void for the salvation of hers. I wanted to show the reticence of her letting Bucky in, but also the drive to protect, to fight the battles he would not, or like she says, to stand against the void wanting to claim his soul and decide to fight for it herself.
Idk, I guess what inspired me was that. Not a single moment or prompt, but rather vague ideas of characters that I wanted to show and develop at the best of my abilities. I hope I don’t disappoint with my answer!
In Your Heartbeat
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