#i could say many things about this pic but ill keep them to my self
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The way he looks evil in this
#evil rich lesbian that seduces me n makes me do crime (mega heist for fancy diamond)#n by makes me i mean he goes theres this thing..... n im like okie ill get it#chanhee#the boyz#i could say many things about this pic but ill keep them to my self
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Obey me! boys with trans masc MC
Some headcanons about the brothers + Solomon and Diavolo with Trans Masc MC. it’s pretty self-indulgent. Obviously not everyone shares the same experiences with their identity. I took from my own experiences and feelings about things to write these.
TW: Mentions of transphobia (not detailed and not from any of the main characters)
Lucifer
It doesn’t actually come up for some time, not until you realize that you two are definitely getting closer to being intimate.
One night things start to get steamy and when you realize you have to force yourself to not run away. You’re still up and halfway across the room faster than Lucifer thought a human could move. Your heart is beating wildly in your chest, and you have to make yourself look Lucifer in the eyes.
He’s quick to apologize, thinking he made you uncomfortable- he’s honestly worried he’d hurt you or crossed your boundaries. You assure him that it’s nothing like that. You just need to explain something before things go further.
If you are nervous about telling him, he’ll wait patiently for you to say what you need to say. Reassures you that it changes nothing about how he feels about you. He only cares that you’re happy and comfortable.
“I’m glad you feel comfortable telling me. I know humans can hold some troubling views on the subject.” He’s never really understood a lot of the human hang ups on things like this, but he knows it’s a big deal for some to share the knowledge with others, it takes trust.
What he doesn’t say is how happy he is that you trust him that much (how proud he is,)
Will ask if there’s anything specific you need him to do/not do or anything that you might not have that you want or need. (ie: new binder if you haven’t had top surgery, do you want top surgery? He can make it happen.)
If you’re having a particularly bad time with dysphoria, he’ll straight up ask if there’s anything he can do to help.
He’ll also be sure to call you by your name, or specifically masculine terms
Someone misgenders you on purpose? He doesn’t hesitate to set them straight. No one’s foolish enough to do it again.
Mammon:
He finds out on accident. You’re changing when he barges in your room, saying something about being late for breakfast in his usual loud manner.
He freezes when he finally looks at you, Sees your binder or your scars but honestly it doesn’t really register bc holy shit his human is half dressed and standing in front of him and-poor boy is blushing so hard and is silent because he’s certain he’ll make a fool of himself.
It hadn’t occurred to you until he went quiet that he didn’t know already.
You finish getting dressed and his silence is worrying you at this point. You quietly ask him if he’d like for you to stop hanging around him
That manages to snap him out of his daze and he looks utterly confused. “Why would ya think that?” You try to explain that you’ve had people that have stopped speaking to you because you’re trans, or have even tried to tell you it’s wrong.
“They obviously don’t know anything,” He says, “You’re stuck with the Great Mammon, ya hear? I’m your first guy and you’re my man!” It’s not the first time he’s referred to you as his, but it’s the first time he’s used man instead of human. After that though, he starts doing it more and each time it makes you smile.
“That’s right, That’s my man!” “What took ya so long, man?”
If you’re having bad dysphoria he’s very vocal about calling you his man, reassuring you, and asking what you want in that moment. Stay in and just lay around? Sure. find a distraction? He can think of plenty.
He offers you some of his shirts and jackets. “They suit ya,” he insists, even if they’re big on you, “Gotta make sure my man is staying stylish!” (He won’t admit how happy it makes him to see you wearing his clothes, but you can tell anyways.)
Someone misgenders you to upset you? “What’d you just say to my man?” He’s angry and he’s not about to be quiet about it.
Leviathan:
You mention it off-handedly while discussing your favorite anime and manga.
You’d started talking about one that actually had pretty decent Trans rep, lamenting that it wasn’t more popular because of how much it meant to see someone like you-
Levi catches it immediately, but he doesn’t say anything about- It doesn’t change anything he feels anyway.
He does, however, take time to look for movies, tv shows, games, or anything you might both enjoy that has good Representation.
When you realize what he’s doing you can’t help but hug him tightly and kiss his cheek, and it makes him blush.”I’m glad you’re happy.”
Bad Dysphoria? He’ll drag you to his room to binge anime, play games, and watch movies. He knows the distraction helps.
You’re his Henry, and he’s gonna go the extra mile to make sure you’re comfortable, however he can.
If you use a binder and find you need a new one, he’s on top of it- He’ll offer to make one for you so he knows it’ll be the right size and it will be good quality.
Someone misgenders you after being corrected? He checks on you first and asks if you want him to do something about it. If he finds out they did it Maliciously? He’s going to do something about that- reminding everyone in the process that he’s the third eldest (and third most powerful) for a reason.
Satan:
It comes up when you start spending more time with him- studying or getting book recommendations to pass your free time, You can tell when your interactions shift to something more.
He nods when you tell him, “And your pronouns are He/him, correct?”
Asks if there’s anything he should avoid doing, anything you don’t like to be called, He wants to know your boundaries then and there so he doesn’t overstep them.
He spends some time researching. He wants to make sure he understands as much as he can about you, including this- he doesn’t want to ask you directly what your experience in the human realm was, in case it brings up any unpleasant memories.
You notice the change in his reading list eventually and it makes you feel warm knowing that he’s doing it for you. You tell him if he does have any questions he can ask you.
He does ask you if you use a binder and if you’re binding safely.
He also asks if Dysphoria is something you struggle with. If you tell him it is, his line of questioning shifts to things he can possibly do to help you deal with it.
If it’s a really rough day and you admit you don’t want to really do anything, he’ll pick a book to read to you, just so you know he’s there for anything you need, even if it’s just quiet company.
He also becomes a little more vocal, calls you things like dashing or handsome.
If someone misgenders you with ill intent? He’s going to deal with it, and it’s not going to be pretty.
Asmodeus:
He invites you to his room to show you the new outfits he bought. He does it pretty much every time he goes shopping.
This time the first outfit he walks out includes a skirt. You already know Asmo doesn’t believe in gendered clothing, or adhering to any sort of ‘norm’ but it’s the first time you’ve seen it so obviously in person when it comes to his clothes.
“I wish I could wear something like that,” the words are out your mouth before you register them, and you flush even while Asmo giggles. He offers his closet to you and tells you to try something on.
Your hesitance must show, because he frowns a little, looking concerned. “I used to,” you admit, “But people kept telling me that I didn’t need to transition if I liked all that stuff anyways.”
He’s next to you in a second, hand tilting your chin to look at him, “Fuck those people,” he says seriously, “It’s a shame for a man to hide such a delightful body. It’s even worse for him to deny himself things he likes because of ignorant commentary.”
He ends up making suggestions on what to try on, starting with a simple skirt and shirt combo.
You stare at the mirror for a long time, turning occasionally to watch the way the skirt flares up slightly when you do. You catch Asmo smiling behind you in the reflection.
“Do you like it?” You catch his eyes in the reflection, nodding, “I missed the feeling. Thank you, Asmo.”
“Anything for someone as handsome as you,”
If you’re feeling really dysphoric he’ll try to pamper you- want him to brush your hair? Face masks? A relaxing bath? An entire spa day? New clothes? He wants you to feel good about yourself and he knows self care is the first step.
He loves to pick out clothes for you to wear, but he always explicitly asks what style you want, because he wants you to feel as good as you look in anything he picks for you.
If someone misgenders you maliciously or more than once, he’ll have plenty of words with them.
In fact, as it turns out many of his fans will also have words if they catch wind- Asmo loves posting pics with you on Devilgram and taking you to the Fall, so you’ve also become part of many of his fans' lives too.
Beelzebub:
You feel a little self-conscious surrounded by attractive demons- But Beel is a whole other level. He’s tall and solid muscle, and you're envious of it.
You know you could never keep up with his workouts, but you ask if you could join him anyways, and if he could give you some pointers on good workouts for specific goals. He agrees right away, more than happy to help.
It becomes a routine and you look forward to your shared workouts, even if it’s just you both doing your own thing, or Beel giving you pointers on your form or him asking you to record him so he can see how his own form looks.
You’re so comfortable around Beel, that during one of your afternoon workouts you pull your shirt over your head as you stop to take a break and even out your breathing.
“It’s not good to wear a binder while exercising for so long.” Beel’s concerned comment takes you off guard for a moment and you flush, unsure of what to say because he sounds so casual about it, and you aren’t really used to it.
You settle for “Sorry,” and quickly go to tug your shirt back on, but he shakes his head. “You don’t have to. Just rest while I finish up.”
“You’re doing this for you, right? No matter what, You’re a great guy, so don’t push yourself because other people expect it.” You’re surprised when he joins you after he’s done and it’s the first thing he says. You tell him it does help you feel better about yourself and you enjoy spending the time with him, doing something you both enjoy. And the smile he gives you is blinding.
If you’re having a bad time with Dysphoria he’ll ask what you want to do. Workout? Movie and Snacks? Do you need a distraction or do you want to just...be?
He’s well aware of the toxic masculinity that can be present in places like gyms and such. He’s never tolerated it, but there’s a new edge to him if he hears anyone saying something disrespectful or hateful.
If someone misgenders you, he makes his displeasure known but he focuses on making sure you aren’t upset. (Not many would dare risk making him angry anyways, as quiet as he is he’s still intimidating when he needs to be.)
Belphegor:
You don’t actually tell him. with how often you end up napping with him he just knows. He doesn’t even say anything about it- he doesn’t see the need to and neither do you.
He does say something the one time he catches you falling asleep in a binder. “You can’t sleep in that!” he wakes you up and makes you change- he tells you it’s important to have proper sleepwear, a lecture that might even rival one Lucifer's, as he himself begins to doze off.
After that he makes a point to check to make sure you aren’t wearing a binder before he cuddles up for a nap or for the night (Not that he admits it to you)
He likes to tease you, but he’s always hyper aware of his words. The last thing he wants to do is accidentally say something that might actually hurt you
He doesn’t tend to use overly gendered language with you in the first place, “You’re my nap buddy,” “You make a really nice pillow,” “I like it when you look flustered like that,”
But if he notices/ you tell him you’re struggling with dysphoria more than usual he’ll make the effort to use specifically masculine terms
He’s not the greatest with being open about his feelings but he’ll reassure you if that’s what you need
He doesn’t like seeing you struggling so he asks the best ways to help you feel better, even if he still teases you he’s doing his best to cheer you up or make you more comfortable.
If someone misgenders you on purpose he’s making sure you’re okay. He’ll be even more clingy than usual, glare at anyone he thinks looks at you wrong or he’ll simply drag you back home to laze around and cuddle (He tells you he’s tired and just wants to nap, but he really just wants to keep an eye on you in case it upset you more than you showed.)
He’ll have a discussion with whoever upset you later, anyways.
Solomon:
When you realize he’s way older than he looks you’re concerned that he’s gonna have some very archaic views about things.
Even as you grow closer to him, the thought nags at the back of your mind and it keeps you stuck at a distance despite his obvious flirting.
He notices, of course. “Am I making you uncomfortable? I can stop if you’d like,” It's a stark contrast to his usual teasing and mystic demeanor, and the serious expression on his face draws some courage from you.
You manage to tell him without stuttering, and then you flush when you tell him you weren’t sure he’d be okay with that. Saying it out loud makes you feel a little silly- all things considered.
He hums and tells you he understands, but that he doesn’t care in the sense that if you’re happy and true to yourself that’s what matters most. (It sounds suspiciously like something Asmo would say, but there’s sincerity in his voice and eyes.)
His flirting continues- when he passes you at RAD, when he invites you to study with him, even his messages, simple compliments like “You look rather handsome today,” or teasing “I’m so lucky to sit with the cutest boy in class,” but now that you aren’t worrying about other things, you can finally return his teasing.
If you’re having a hard time with dysphoria, he’ll ask if he can help. He’ll show up with snacks, movies, books, anything you want to do. He’ll even offer to ask Asmo for the needed supplies for a spa day, if he thinks that might help.
If someone misgenders you on purpose he’s gonna set them straight. He’s the most powerful sorcerer and he’s not going to let someone disrespect you like that
Diavolo:
When you arrive in the Devildom, you actually laugh. A few of the people (demons!) standing around you look concerned.
“I mean, plenty of people told me I’d go to hell but I don’t think this is what they meant.” There’s some surprised looks but no one mentions it past that, really.
But it does come up in one of your regular meetings with Diavolo, what had started out as short meetings to discuss how things were progressing during your stay had suddenly turned into hours of visiting over tea and Barbatos cooking.
He asks you what you meant when you’d said that. It wasn’t the first ‘personal’ question he asked you, and you didn’t see a reason not to explain. So you tell him all about your run ins with the wannabe preachers and ‘concerned’ Sunday school moms and the like and how you managed to offend them.
He looks curious and you tell him to feel free to ask you if he has a question. He has a few, mostly about if there’s anything making you uncomfortable he might not be aware of, or if there’s anything you need that you can’t get in the Devildom.
He’s genuinely concerned about not having thought about things like this when it comes to the exchange students, and asks if you’d help him make sure the program was improved and friendly towards all.
It warms your heart to see him so passionate and ready to learn in order to make others comfortable, so you agree without hesitation
Your visits with Diavolo grow in number after that though some of them remain just friendly visits, some are focused on the exchange program and some of them are far more intimate.
If you tell him you’re having a rough time with feeling dysphoric, he’ll Invite you over to visit and make sure you’re alright- and if you don’t feel like going out? He’ll come to you, a box of sweets from Barbatos and determined to find out if there’s anything he can do to help.
He’s all about reassurance, “You’re perfect, and I don’t lie, remember?”
Someone misgenders you intentionally or is just being transphobic in general? He’s quick to shut that down. He makes it known that he won’t tolerate any sort of hate speech or such behavior, and especially not towards you. No one is going to test Lord Diavolo on that, either.
#swd obey me#obey me#Trans masc MC#trans mc#om lucifer#om mammon#om leviathan#om satan#om asmodeus#om beelzebub#om belphegor#om solomon#om diavolo#Tw mention of transphobia#Obey me trans masc MC#obey me hc#headcanon#kinda self indulgent im just starving for content i can relate to
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In case it helps anyone to know -- if you struggle, you are not alone.
I think many people who who've followed me or known me for a long time probably think I have my shit pretty together. And in a lot of ways, my life is great, and I have done some cool stuff. But despite that, I struggle with mental health, and my brain is sometimes a terrible place to live. I've spent a bunch of time recently:
Feeling incompetent and like a complete imposter
Feeling like a failure and a disappointment
Feeling like I'll never be able to do any job well and will end up penniless and without healthcare (but still with chronic pain) and an enormous burden to everyone
Feeling like a waste of resources -- "I have so much privilege, and so many advantages, and I squander them by being useless and by not even enjoying my life"
Feeling like I'll never enjoy anything again
Feeling like life will never be anything except stress and despair
Lying awake feeling all my muscles clenched and my heart racing
Having a tremendously hard time getting out of bed
Having an even harder time attending work meetings or doing work
Not being able to eat much and experiencing nausea and digestive issues (where usually I tend to eat larger amounts than usual in response to stress, occasionally it flips and I have to force myself to eat)
Crying unpredictably, e.g. while doing dishes, and having to awkwardly explain to housemates
Feeling numb and impatient and distracted while trying to read/watch TV/browse Tumblr
Feeling So. Much. Guilt. And. Shame. Just constantly.
This is all in spite of the fact that (a) I have substantial and even recent evidence to the contrary about a lot of this stuff (e.g. I got feedback at work not that long ago that I was doing really well and could consider going up for promotion soon). And (b) I've had intense episodes of anxiety in the past and then gotten better, so I have plenty of examples of how these intense feelings don't necessarily predict the future.
Despite all this data, and despite my loved ones telling me wonderful, helpful things, I have spent a lot of time feeling viscerally quite horrible over the past few weeks (as well as for much longer stretches, at times in the past). And parts of my brain have compellingly argued that this will probably last forever.
I've dug myself partially out by talking to a doctor (though I realize healthcare is a privilege not everyone has, though we all should) and getting a short term Rx to help me relax at night enough to sleep. And signing up for therapy again. And discussing longer term possible changes to my meds (I'm on an antidepressant that had been working well till recently). And doing simple breathing exercises. And forcing myself to go do some small amount of work -- especially to make progress on a couple of the things i was most dreading, or to ask others for help with them. And forcing myself to eat and go for walks. And spending time petting kitties. And admitting to my closest peeps that I am struggling, and getting them to say that they'll still like me even if I lose my job. And remembering all those past episodes of anxiety and depression (as well as panicky bad drug trips) that I was sure would last forever at the time, but didn't. And realizing that life is long, and there are many ways to survive and find joy in this world -- and even if I thoroughly fuck up one path, there are other things to try.
I also had to do a big hard thing at work this week that was very stressful (definitely the dread of this has been one contributing factor in my recent spiral). Afterwards, I immediately felt drenched in relief, and feelings of interest and joy and hunger have started to flood back into my life again. "HAHA JUST KIDDING," the unhelpful parts of my brain suddenly said. I still would like to get to a much more stable place mentally, and I'm going to continue to work toward that, and to develop my toolbox for coping. But the sudden easing of some of the terrible sensations feels miraculous, and I'm grateful, and amazed at how fast my internal state can change. And even if maybe it turns out I feel worse again tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy today and try to remember that I did so.
So. If you're struggling, I empathize so much. And it's worth trying to keep in mind that:
Strong feelings of incompetence and/or certainty that the future will suck don't stem from reality. Our brains+bodies sometimes make us feel these things strongly even when actual evidence says otherwise.
That means anxiety/depression is like a bad drug trip. It feels very real, but you're likely to feel at least somewhat differently -- and sometimes substantially better -- if you can hang in there a while.
Just because your brain may be lying to you doesn't mean the resulting struggle isn't real. It's legit hard sometimes to do the basics of survival -- Eat. Sleep. Move the minimal amount needed to get food & water, go to the bathroom, etc. When you're finding those things hard, you're ill. And you deserve time off and self care and a trip to the doctor, if you can manage any of that. If you can't? If you're taking care of others/working or going to school/doing anything else on top of being ill? You're a superhero. I hope you can get others to help take some of your duties for a bit, or to help you book a doctor's/therapist's appointment, or to at least listen and sympathize and send you cute animal pics or memes.
Other people who may appear to have their shit together may not. Many of them are going through big struggles of their own.
The pandemic & state of the world right now are making things much harder for so many people. My doctor (general practitioner) told me that nobody she's seen in the past year is doing that great mentally, and the number of people having acute mental health issues has skyrocketed. Be as kind and forgiving toward yourself as you can manage (in general, and even more so now).
Good luck. Hang in there as best you can. I'm rooting for you. 💗
(Feel free to reblog or to reply, but I may not have energy to respond to comments... responding is hard right now.)
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A full translation of the third victim’s post - Part 1
T/N; Hey guys. Due to Tumblr’s post limit, I will post the convo translations on the second part of the post. Keep in mind that the situation is still going on and we should stay neutral. This is also not a XX hate post, I am merely translating this as this is a matter heavy post. Do not send threats or hate messages to any party involved and read this post with a clear and neutral mind. If anybody (Especially those fluent in mandarin) wants to make corrections on my post, please do so - this is my first time translating something like this. Thank you.
At first, I didn’t want to speak up about this issue. This is because everybody including myself thought that we’ve broken up on good terms. To be honest, this incident did not cause me harm in terms of mental wellness or any other form, which was why I initially decided to forget about it and move on with my life.
However, after reading yesterday’s posts (containing the allegations + timeline), what I noticed was my experiences overlap with the other victims, and many girls have come out to relay their experiences with him. I also found out that he would talk behind a girl’s back in order to scam a different girl and started up rumors about her - this made me feel betrayed. I felt that this situation isn’t as simple as it seems, and I don’t know whether there will be more victims coming out. I just hope that people would get a wake up call after reading my post/experience, and see him for the person he truly is - I also hope that there will be no more victims.
Pic 1 - Contact with HXX: At first, I was just a fan of his and I really liked him - which was why I attended some of his events/schedules. Until one day, I received an airdrop with the name “luca’s iphone” attached, I used an ID with my name on it to send him a sticker/meme for fun. From then on, we started contacting each other and added each other on Wechat. At first, I felt like a main character/lucky female lead in a romance drama - turns out, I wasn’t the only main character/female lead in his life.
Pic 2 - Spending the night with HXX: After learning that the location (where he had his schedule) was close to my place, he immediately suggested he come over and visit my house, as he wanted to go somewhere with nobody around.
He was somebody of the opposite sex as well as somebody I really liked, therefore I started to overthink. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he replied that he didn’t have one. If I knew he had a girlfriend during that time, I would have never invited him over to my house and cut all contact.
On that day, I thought that there would be a romance blossoming between us. After his schedule, he went back to his hotel before coming over to my place. I even asked him: “Does your manager know about this? (For a more direct translation, she asked “Does your manager not care?”)” He mentioned that his manager was asleep in the other room and was not aware that he (HXX) went out to visit her.
The first thing he did after stepping into my house was smoke, he even invited me to smoke with him. After that, both of us started drinking and chatting. He mentioned that his best friend (who has not debuted yet) during his trainee days was useless and good for nothing, ranting about how his teammates never put in any effort during practice and never listened, ranted about how a teammate of his stole his fashion related opportunities, and also ranted about how some members are untalented and only debuted due to their visuals. He also mentioned how he disliked Keep Running as he didn’t like how tiring it is and how his seniors give him a lot of pressure. He disliked how his fans gathered at the airport to take his photos etc. He also opened up about how his family wasn’t doing well financially, how his dad’s investments failed, expressed his wish to save money to buy a house and a car and whatnot, and then started ranting about how society is unfair. During that time, I thought he was just a genuine, hardworking boy. However, after seeing many victims expose him of his ways, he was just using this to gain sympathy from me and take advantage of me (translation here may be inaccurate, please correct me if I’m wrong.)
Back then, although I was surprised, I thought that his image was far from his true self. He was always preaching about how much hard work he puts in and mentioned that Iwas the only person who understood how he felt. He gave me the impression that he was realistic and bright, and made me misunderstood that he was someone I could have a heart to heart talk with. After spending the night at my house, he left the next day for his upcoming schedules.
Pic 3 - Demanding for presents
Before arriving at my house, he made excuses about how he didn’t bring enough clothes and asked if I could buy some clothes for him before he came over. He even pointed out the brands he preferred (He wanted Saint L*urent, B*lenciaga, and said he didn’t want B*rberry because he disliked the brand - ironic because he is a brand ambassador for that brand)
Pic 4 - Follow up
Before his schedules, I would ask if he wanted me to go/follow him. He always responded saying it was a waste of time and said I should be prioritizing my studies (and many other excuses). At first, I thought he was being sincere and genuinely thought that he was concerned about my wellbeing. Turns out, he didn’t want me there because he was meeting other people. I was the fool in the end. (Direct translation: Turns out, I was the clown)
When I followed him to his schedules, he would repeatedly ask if I had a house, whether I was living alone, etc. After I told him I had a roommate, he disappeared and did not reply to my texts over the next few days.
I couldn’t bear with the mixed signals and the confusing feelings. During December, I decided to confront him about his ways. However, he ignored my attempts to talk, using his schedules as an excuse to avoid talking to me. After somebody exposed his teammate (?), he kept on telling me that “we’re just friends” and warned me to not expose him. After that conversation, I saw his true colors and cut off all contact with him. I would also like to say that I am grateful for my upbringing and my assertiveness - if the victim was someone who was emotionally fragile or lacked a good support system (or love), would she develop psychological/mental problems (T/n: read between the lines - she’s hinting that somebody could have gotten insecurities/change in mindset that will lead them to do/develop something worse because of his actions) because of scum like him?
During our period of contact, I have repeatedly asked him if he had a girlfriend or whether he was in contact with other girls. All the replies he gave me were “No.” (Refer to Pic 5) He also mentioned that he never drank with other girls as well. I really believed his lies back then, thinking he was just somebody yearning for love. Today, I discovered that he used his idol persona and fans’ love to fulfill his own needs and scam/cheat others, flirting with other women despite having a girlfriend himself, went to different cities to meet different girls and treat them like a personal harem. He also talked behind every girls’ back, constantly speaking ill of them. His behavior made us (OP and the other victims) feel worthless. I acknowledge that issues like this will be forgotten easily as time goes by, and that people would nitpick on this issue and blame this incident on my behavior, for the way I threw myself into a fire of destruction.
In the end, I hope that people like me - who blindly followed and believed him - will open their eyes and see his true side - I hope that you will know better and don’t get hurt the way I did and bear the pressure I faced. Lastly, I hope that all boys and girls alike will no longer suffer from people like him.
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Remembrance (MLQC Gavin - NSFW)
Description: In a world where strangers abound, friends become foes.
Warnings: NSFW/18+: Explicit/graphic language — reader discretion is advised. Spoilers for Shaw’s identity and the latest chapters in the EN server (up to and including Chapter 24; the rest is pure speculation and imagination on my part as I generally try to steer clear of spoilers on other servers), hints of exhibitionism, vaginal fingering, angst
Word Count: ~1500 words (~7 mins of smut & angst)
Author’s Notes: This story was inspired by one of the many karmas that recently hit the CN server (please see pic above) and Gavin won out in my poll of which boy to write for first! As with many things MLQC-related, you know I had to inject a dose of angst with my smut 🤣
SPOILER WARNING: For all my friends that are caught up on the latest chapters in the EN server, this story takes place in a timeline where MC is still unrecognized by the boys, but has developed some of that badassery I’m so looking forward to seeing in the future (I mean, just LOOK at the expression on her face in that karma; it screams “DON’T MESS” and I’m ALLLL for it LOL). That being said, please note the warnings listed above and happy reading! 😊
🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬
He doesn’t know you.
If there was ever any doubt, it is driven swiftly from your mind by the frost in amber eyes, the gaze that once held nothing but tenderness now tinged with suspicion and distrust.
“Who are you? How did you gain access to the classified files?”
The grip on your wrists tightens, the leathery smoothness of his gloved hand a sharp contrast to the strength in those long fingers, binding your arms behind you with ease. Gavin’s breath is hot, dancing on the nape of your neck in unhurried rhythm despite the precariousness of the situation.
What did he have to be afraid of, after all? He wasn’t the one in a compromised position, pinned against a glass wall in the Archives room - the inner sanctum of the Special Task Force headquarters.
“My patience is wearing thin. You’d better start talking.”
His voice is hushed, low and dangerous and completely out of place when directed towards you. A lifetime ago, when the biggest worry you had involved convincing a certain CEO not to pull funding from your production company, Gavin had loved you — completely and unconditionally.
Now you knew what it was to stand on the other side of that fence.
The woman you were before would’ve cowered, limbs shaking beyond control as her blank mind raced in endless circles, trying to come up with something, anything, to extricate herself from the desperate situation.
Scared.
Helpless.
All the things you no longer identified with.
Your breath fogs up the glass, mere inches from the tip of your nose. Each passing second of silence sees Gavin’s brows furrow even deeper in the reflection staring back at you, his handsome features easily made out against the darkness of the surrounding hallways — dim save for the odd crimson glow marking exits and doors.
Shaw said he’d provide you with cover but apparently even he was capable of miscalculation. No one was supposed to be here, let alone his older brother. You wondered if he watched you now through the cameras panning the room; wondered whose eyes, if any, fell upon the pair of bodies pressed so tightly together they might well have been mistaken for lovers caught in flagrante.
Lovers.
In another life, you had called Gavin yours.
The thought settles heavy in your heart, sinking until it reaches the pit of your stomach. You knew what had to be done, hoped you had the wherewithal to make it happen. Physically, there is no contest: Gavin is much too strong and fast for you to take on. Escape now is contingent on the hope that even if he had no recollection of you, his body would still respond to the things you knew he loved best.
“I bear no ill intentions towards the Special Task Force, Commander Bai, least of all towards you.”
Half-whispered, the tone of your voice is sultry, aiming to disarm. Taking a deep breath, you step back, moving closer into the curve of Gavin’s body as you ignore the awkward angle of your stance. The lapels of his overcoat brush soft against your bare shoulders and suddenly…
…you recognize that scent.
Soap on skin. Windblown hair. The memories wash over you, relentless like the undertow of a tidal wave: the letter you never opened — bloodied and crumpled. The boy with the bandaged face, thrusting his jacket over your head as he yelled over the din of pouring rain for you to make a run for the school gates. Your heart had pounded even then to be close enough to catch the subtle fragrance of his soap.
I’m sorry, Gavin.
You feel the heat of tears rolling down your cheeks, see them glisten in the reflection looking back at you. And when you crane your neck to face him, amber eyes widen at the sight, Gavin’s grip on your wrists loosening just a bit to hear you say,
“You’re hurting me.”
Feigning innocence, you keep your gaze locked on his, letting your mouth fall open just enough to allow your tongue to sweep out and wet pink lips.
“Don’t you remember me, Gavin?”
Exaggerating the arch of your back, your bottom juts against the plane of his groin, hard even beneath layers of clothing. And when your hips begin their languid sway — tracing figure eights over his body in an attempt to persuade — the prominent bob of Gavin’s Adam’s apple signals that you are on the right track.
“I…I don’t know who—”
“Touch me, and maybe then you’ll remember.”
You let your head fall back onto Gavin’s chest like so many times before, hear the echo of his heart — racing now — when you peer up at him from beneath your lashes. Fighting against his grip, you slide your hands down and over the outline of his hardening cock…slow…until you reach the hem of your skirt.
Grasp and pull. Up, up, up. Try not to shiver when the cool air hits your bare skin. Let the memories of the love you shared with this man burn bright enough to melt the ice of this Eternal Winter.
“I don’t care who sees if you don’t, Commander Bai. You have nothing to fear from me. I’m unarmed. Check for yourself…”
Barely breathing now, you maneuver — cautious — until your palm is pressed to his. Gavin’s fingers twitch and you seize the opportunity before it flees. It is now your hand that grasps his, bringing it down and around the curve of your hip until it slides beneath the lace of your panties.
“Hm…”
Gavin moans despite himself to feel the heat radiating from your core even through leather, distraught at how uncharacteristically he was behaving. He was seasoned enough to know when he was walking into a trap and yet, there was something about you that told him you weren’t lying; that he did know you even if he had no recollection of ever laying eyes on you in his life.
Maybe that was why he let himself be led, allowing your touch to ease the disquiet in his chest to feel like he finally found something important he once lost without even realizing it.
Your purse slides off your shoulder when you lurch forward, hands shooting out last minute to prevent your face from kissing glass as your knees shake to feel his gloved hand rubbing circles about your swelling clit. Each stroke is torturously slow, as if Gavin were patiently getting reacquainted with the body that took very little time to respond to his touch.
You could hear it, after all — the wet sounds that accompanied the movement of his fingers, especially now that the middle and index were beginning to traverse the length of your slit, curving at your entrance to gather the arousal that pooled.
And when he holds up his hand before both of you, the sticky sheen that darkened leather in places makes you blush before all thoughts of self-consciousness are swept away by the sight of Gavin licking from knuckle to tip, white teeth biting to pull the glove off one hand, then the other.
You feel the heat of his skin now, the roughened callouses on fingers and palm sweeping gently along the line of your jaw, eyes of molten gold observing every movement in the reflection of you and him on glass like an intimate portrait. And suddenly, there is no Special Task Force, no NW, no Black Swan…no Evol.
Nothing else but you and him.
I love you.
The silent echo of your unspoken words settle in the darkest corners of your heart as your close your eyes, giving over to the touch of Gavin’s hands — one cradling your face as the other conforms to the curve of your breast.
“I don’t know why…”
Soft lips brush against the lobe of your ear en route to dropping kisses along the pulse of your neck.
“…but I’ll trust you this one time.”
There is an edge to his voice as Gavin pulls back, burying the tip of his nose into the nape of your neck and inhaling deep before he steps aside to let you pass.
“Go. Before the rest of them get here. Don’t ever let me catch you again.”
His eyes fall on you, scanning from head to toe before he reaches out to retrieve your purse from the floor and drape it over your shoulder.
“Gavin, I—”
You’re interrupted when the doors at the far end of one hallway slam open with a bang, STF agents spilling through with weapons at the ready. Gavin shoves you towards the exit, shouting “GO NOW!” as he makes to step between you and the approaching brigade.
And as you make your escape, running so fast each breath draws the taste of blood, you fight to keep the tears from blurring your vision, all the while unaware of the amber eyes trained in your direction…watching until you merge with darkness itself.
🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬🌬
Thank you so much for reading! Check out more of my work here! 📚
#mlqc#mr love queen's choice#love and producer#mr love dream date#mlqc gavin#mlqc bai qi#mlqc smut#mlqc gavin smut#mlqc fanfic#mlqc fic#mr love queen's choice smut#fanfiction#my writing
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idislikecispeople, The Most Infamous Dyscourse Blogger: Part 1.0, Rumors
idislikecispeople, also known as many names throughout her time on Tumblr (such as Adele, Kat, Mami, Samantha and Sayaka), was a former Tumblr blogger who became infamous for coining the term "tucute", among many other controversial things she has posted on her blogs. This was supposed to be one, very long masterpost about her, but Tumblr's post editor is a bitch and won't let me do that.
In this post, I'll be debunking or confirming rumors commonly spread about idislikecispeople. The rest of my posts about her will each be dedicated to a specific controversial belief she held or situations she got into. For simplicity's sake, I'll be referring to idislikecispeople as Kat for the rest of this post and future ones.
Rumors
Kat Coined the Terms "Truscum" and "Tucute"
Verdict: Partially True
Kat coined the term tucute, but she did not coin the terms truscum or transmedicalist.
Here's a screenshot of Kat's original definition of a tucute:
Transcript:
What is Tucute?
What does tucute mean?
Tucute is basically just the opposite of truscum, it’s a term and community for trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis individuals created to separate anti-truscum from truscum and to serve as a safe place from truscum and from cis people, where they believe that being trans requires dysphoria, we do not,where they think that being trans is a medical condition, we do not,and where they deny numerous gender identities on the basis that it “discredits the trans community” we do not.
What are the prerequisites to be a part of the tucute community?
You have to be trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis in general
You have to accept all pronouns and gender identities
You haveto believe that dysphoria is not necessary to be trans
You have to dislike truscum
You cannot side with truscum or believe in their ideology
You cannot misgender anyone no matter how mad they make you
You cannot be an ableist whatsoever
Did you invent the tucute community? Why?
I indeed did coin the tucute term and community and anyone who says otherwise are creeps who are trying to steal it from me and redefine it for their own nefarious doings. I started this community so anti-truscum could separate themselves from truscum and cis people who are a part of the truscum community, it serves as a safe space from both truscum and cis people.
I’m cis, can I be tucute if I believe in your movement and want to help?
No, you can’t be tucute if you’re cis, you can only be a tucute ally, and you need to be sure to never speak for or over a trans person.
I see a lot of tucuties being just as harmful as truscum, what will you do about it?
There isn’t much I can do to them other than ask them to stop aligning with the tucute community, and of course, that doesn’t mean they will. Also be noted that truscum and cis people will pretend to be tucute just to tarnish the name of the tucute community, so tread lightly, you might be talking to a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Spread the word, use the tag #tucute and join the army today!
[A digital drawing of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica in her magical girl form, with a banner underneath her reading "Tucute 4 U!"]
(source) (source)
Kat Was a Cisgender Woman Who Lied About Being a Transgender Woman
Verdict: False
This rumor primarily comes from a post on Kat's oldest known Tumblr blog, chromaghost, where she claims that she wasn't MTF and only tagged a selfie as such because she thought that transgender people were "cool".
Transcript:
Anonymous asked: are you a mtf? i seen it tagged on one of your photos.
No lol. I wanted to post it to the tag because transgender people are cool :3
(source) (source) (source)
However, Kat addressed this post and made it clear she very much was a transgender woman multiple times on her later blogs. This claim can also be confirmed with nude photos Kat posted online, which I don't feel comfortable spreading, so you'll just have to trust me on that one. I also don't feel comfortable directly encouraging you to go and dig up those nudes, as most of her nude photos were either taken when she was a minor, spread without her consent and/or were uploaded because people pressured her into posting nudes to "prove" she was a transgender woman.
Transcript:
Anonymous asked: you bound with ace bandage in one of your selfies. i don't know what to think about you anymore. according to some people you're a 27 year old cis woman scamming us, but you say you're a 22 year old trans woman. i want to trust you but i don't know if i can. i'm sorry.
Rest assured I’m not 27 years old lol. What you’re referring to is a less than graceful ~art piece~ we did (”Playing a Boy” or something) on deviantART when we were 16/17 (?) and really ill-informed. I ask you to not take that as how I stand currently – as I have learned so much more since, and I have a penis and I was designated male at birth because of it (feel free to purchase a passcode to our nsfw blog to see for yourself). At the time we were developing breast tissue but still had to appear as a ‘boy.’ Don’t bind with Ace bandages, kids, it can damage your rib cage, something we didn’t know at the time.
(source) (source)
Transcript:
[A picture of two prescriptions, estradiol and spironolactone, both prescribed to Adele Sheffield.]
grandtran still gonna think I photoshopped it or what
(source)
Transcript:
Anonymous asked: In other words, you aren't gonna cough up the pics because you know you can't fake that shit because you're actually cis. Cool. BTW why do you keep changing your story about the blog, and if the blog was run by you when you were in denial about being trans because of self hate, why were the pics tagged mtf and you were constantly saying trans people were cool?
Yeah I’m not gonna do something for y’all and get nothing in return except more doubt from you, you see how one sided that kind of request is? Also its technically considered sexual harassment, just because its on the internet, you’re a coward (whats your username btw?), and you think I’m cis and you want me to prove time and time again to you that I’m dmab doesn’t justify sexually soliciting someone when they’re not comfortable in being solicited – for free no less.
At first I genuinely had no memory of that blog, it was only active for all of 2 months and for some reason I moved onto a new email and new tumblr, and I haven’t the foggiest why. As for the whole “me claiming to not be ~mtf~” I don’t have any memories from that time, I can only assume it was a lot of dysphoria fueled self-hatred and wanting to be seen/pass as a cis girl lesbian.
If you’re really gonna solicit nudes from a trans woman (a second time) as they do sex work to try and stay on their feet without offering anything in return just so your transmisogynistic ass can get off to trying to tell me my dick is fake isn’t classy at all. I perish the thought of what you’re parents would think of this behavior from you. But yeah, feel free to send some money to my paypal so I can get the gender markers on my records changed because that’s gonna cost a lot apparently, and I’ll definitely send you the dick pics you want. :)
(source) (source) (source)
Transcript:
[A picture of a a hospital bracelet on Kat's wrist. The patient's name is Adele Sheffield and her sex is labeled as "M".]
(source)
Kat Lied About Having Diabetes To Get Money From Tumblr Users
Verdict: False
This doesn't need much commentary from me, just view the screenshots below.
Transcript:
To the people who keep harping on me buying a $15 video game for my mental health 7 MONTHS ago “with my donation money,” well, here you go, some proof, links and screenshots provided
So for everyone spreading misinformation about me spending $15 on a video game for my mental health, here’s a full list of reasons why there is no way, shape, or form I spent my paypal money on it:
Yes, I spent $15 of my own money after selling one of my possessions, not denying it:
[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she shows off a copy of Fall Out: New Vegas, marked with a price of $14.99. The date of the post is marked as July 21, 2014 at 06:28.39 PM.]
Be sure to look at the date, July 21st, 2014 6:28 PM. Now lets look at my first donation post asking for help:
[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she asks for donations to be able to afford insulin because she has no insurance. The date of the post is marked as July 20, 2014 at 08:14.00 PM.]
Hmm, one day before the purchase of said game, July 20th 2014 at 8:14 PM. Now, I’ve never heard of a video game store — much less a non-chain video game store accepting payment for video games in the form of virtual Amazon gift cards, have you? Oh, but you’re gonna say, “well you bought the game with your paypal donations anyway!” Well, here’s exhibit C:
[Another screenshot of a separate post made by Kat where she is also asking for donations to be able to afford insulin. The date of the post is marked as July 23, 2014 at 12:27.46 PM.]
Again, looking at the date of this posting which is the original donations post, you can see it was posted on July 23rd, 2014 at 12:27 PM, a full 2 days after I had bought the game. Now, if there’s no way for me to use Amazon gift cards for a real life video game store, then how can I go back in time a minimum of 2 full days to give past me $15 to buy said game, hm? This isn’t even accounting for the fact that I didn’t even have my own bank account associated with it until over a week later, and it surely doesn’t account for the fact that it takes up to 5 days to transfer from paypal to your bank account. All the dates are linked to the original unedited posts so you can see for yourself, and for added measure my first deposit was on August 14th, 2014:
[A screenshot of a deposit made by Kat. The date is marked as 08/14/14.]
Oh but yeah, anti-sjs, truscum, and the like took damniwishidthoughtofabettername’s postthey used to gaslight us with misinformation and you all bought it. Tell me how I could misuse donations that I could not use outside of Amazon and money I didn’t even start receiving until a full two days later, let alone the fact that there’s no way I could have transferred said money and used it two days prior as of the date of the paypal donations post.
I hope some of y’all could reblog this and get the word out, I’m sick and tired of people buying into that misinformation that person did solely to gaslight me as a means to try and disrupt my donations drive.
(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)
Transcript:
[A selfie of Kat holding up a vial of Novolin to the camera.]
Hey anon, I don’t feel comfy giving you my receipts (because doxxing is a thing) but here you go, a selfie with my most recent insulin purchase. 👽
(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)
Transcript:
Anonymous asked: Getting desperate for money again I see. How is your fake diabetes lately. I bet your blood sugar is like 800 this time and you're still able to be alive somehow.
You got me, I’m ~totally faking~
[A selfie of Kat. In the background several items used by diabetics are seen such as insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.]
[A picture that gives us a closer look at the background of the previous selfie.]
[A selfie of Kat holding up two vials, one of Lantus and the other of Humalog.]
Gee, must be one dedicated faker, right? To have hundreds of dollars of insulin equipment and insulin itself. Hmmm… Insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.. oh and insulin, hmmmm….
Oh and because you didn’t learn from last time you don’t die instantly when your blood sugar goes over 600 lol, something anyone who studies endocrinology can tell you, and I would know, being a diabetic, having to be hospitalized numerous times for ketoacidosis where the blood sugar has been too high for too long. Things you clearly do not know and you’re just jumping on the disableist bandwagon. I have an idea of who you are anyway, just doing this for future reference.
(source)
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oof i feel the boredom thing bestie i got you anyway feel free to answer as many or as few as u want
1, 4, 14, 16, 23, 29, 32, 36, 39
+ if there’s anything u wanna come rant ab pls feel free <33
ARTIE ILY
YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT??
ILY
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE HELP AHHHHH
1. Whos your celebrity crush?
Jessie Mei Li, Amita Suman and literally every woman in the shadow and bone cast
I have a finsta, and I created it only because i couldnt keep reblogging shadow and bone pics on my main. Its literally a shadow and bone stan account.
But.... CAN YOU BLAME ME????
C an y o u r a i n?
4. Do you think its ok to separate the art from the artist?
Absolutely not, under no circumstances.
Let me explain
I am of the opinion the entire "separate art from the artist" idiology actually causes more problems than the mentality intends. You can absolutely enjoy media from problematic creators, nothing in this world can be 100% pure and not without its questionable aspects. No one is without fault, you can't go into media putting its creator in a pedastal and expecting a complete ethical person because you will sooner than later be dissapionted because these people are just human.
They will make mistakes, their media will sometimes screw up, and thats ok. Its when a creator refuses to awcknoladge or take fault for their mistakes that a problem comes in.
Its wrong to expect to perfection of a creator, but giving them the benefit of the doubt does not exempt them from critisism.
Wether its a simple mistake caused by ignorance, or inner bias the creator believes to be in the right. A work of art is a living breathing manifestation of a creator, and even if we rather pretend otherwise this creator opinions will be splattered all over their work, including any of these bias.
By saying you separate art from the creator I feel people deny the very problematic aspects of media, rather focusing on the good and thinking by denying the creator the bad aspects also dissapear.
Im not saying you can't enjoy problematic media. *points to my blog* id be quite a hypocrite if i said as such
But rather than denying the author, I think its much more validating to see both the artist and the art. Awcknoladge the bad, and love it regardless. It does a world of good for the marginalized groups being wronged by these types of media because by saying "separate art from artist" it just feels like people are putting blind folds all the problems within the material.
My only exeption for this rule would be when supporting said art is putting the marginalized people in danger in current time, someones life is worth more to me than some kind of media.
14. Oh!
Okok so idk the traductions in english so umm ajjdhfjfkf
So its a cortadito (little 6oz cup of black coffee)
But most time i add a lil bit of milk and sugar.
Also you definetly didnt ask for brand but, yes me and my family are addicts and we drive like 1 hour into mountain regions just to get mountain coffee. Yes were normal
16. If you had to get a tattoo rn, what would you get and where?
I promised my friend that if i ever did get a tattoo itd be a sun tattoo (cause they want a moon one) so...
Smth like this! And in that spot
23. If you could break one of your bad habits, which would you choose?
Oh my god so many!!
But rn? I guess I'd want to stop self sabotaging. I alwsys ruin things because of my insecurities. I wsnt to stop, I want to be avle to feel prpud of myself and stop denying myself things.
Oh and procrastinating
Pls brain let me-
Let me do things
29. What quote or inspirational setting do you think is bs?
Anything that romanticizes "hardwork" as an excuse to burn yourself out. Too many people growing up fed me all that inspuration that i need to work till i get the job done amd then ill feel better congrats now i feel useless if i cant finish things that make me miserable.
Hardwork =/ = burning out
Youre supposed to feel good about the challenge, not want to die.
32. How old do you get mistaken for?
In the words of my friend
"You know with your uniform if we werent friends id definetly mistake you for a middle schooler"
I am applying for college artie
36. What do you think youd be arrested for?
Not.if rain, when
When i get arrested for protesting against our current political status in the US......
I definetly will get arrested some day and im okay with that
My moms ready
39. Describe your aesthetic
I'm horrible at description but
Chaotic witch works i guess? Most my clothes are colorful (white/yellow/light blues) with lots of patterns and space jewerly?
My friends say my energy kinda radiates "luz from the owl house and leo valdez" do with that what you will
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top 5 adaptations of the Fairy from Pinocchio? (or maybe top 5 best AND 5 worst?)
I spent so long staring at this and wondering if I even KNEW five good Fairies, but it turns out I do, albeit mostly for asinine reasons. Anyway AHFAKKJKFHAHJKJA thank you <3
Ask me my top 5 anything
Obviously under the cut because I couldn't resist and did BOTH
The salt AKA the worst of the worst first:
1) Piccolino No Bouken
Surprised? I suppose most would have expected me to put the Disney Fairy first, and I did, too, for a while, but as I was sitting in my car pondering this ranking I realized I was SEETHING with rage about this one, so I had to rearrange things a bit. This, guys, is where my Fairy hate begins - not the book, not the Mouse's interference. This woman.
I hate her. I hate her SO MUCH, for all that I love this adaptation more than most things in the world, and that the choices made about her characterization were a huge inspiration for me. Not only does she not send Pinocchio to school, instead teaching him on her own, she is the only one to actively keep Pinocchio from his father - indeed, she makes the choice for them, saying to Geppetto's face that it would be best for the boy to be taught something before he goes back home. Who the hell are you to make this call, uh? You have known him for a day at most! You left him hanging from a fucking tree all night! I wouldn't trust you with a bloody lapdog, nevermind a child!
Also she lets Pinocchio believe she's dead UNTIL THE VERY END. She turns into a bird while he cries at her tomb. Are we fucking serious now? Leave him alone.
(Yes, this is elementary school me howling for revenge. I've been mad about this longer than reason would let me. Sue me.)
2) Disney's Pinocchio
Bane of my existence. I don't know if anyone remembers that pic of me at the Pinocchio theme park I posted a while ago, but basically in that moment they were putting up a little show to tell children a little bit of the OG story, and they asked the audience if they knew what color the Fairy's hair was - a few said blonde, and I, being on stage next to her, distinctly heard her mutter "dammit, Disney". I've been living with that mantra since then.
Nobody asked you to make that puppet sentient, ma'am. He doesn't owe you shit. Aside from that, just like Jiminy Cricket, she ruined her character in a good two thirds of future adaptation. And while we're speaking of Jiminy, WHY did she think it would be a good idea to entrust a little boy to a slime ball such as him? He's too horny to have an ounce of sense. Conscience, my ass.
Basically...begone, asshole.
3) Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night
This film is so horrible, the Fairy had no chance to be decent at all. A cheap copy of the Disney one, with the addendum that she turns MULTIPLE toys into living beings while holding them responsible for whatever they do after. Basically Victor Frankenstein, but make it a poorly dressed woman from a direct-to-TV movie that shouldn't have existed at all.
-100/10, at least you're pretty, but by God, SHUT UP.
4) Once Upon a Time
Honest to God if she doesn't keep her filthy hands off my faves she's gonna get a slap across the face so strong her Wish Realm self ought to feel it sting. I am not exaggerating.
Seven seasons in, she hasn't done ANYTHING useful that I can remember. She's not even good at her own fucking job! Not only that, she's traumatized and guilt-tripped a good chunk of the population of Storybrooke, including first and foremost my beloved son August. The Pavlovian reaction I had every time she appeared on screen can't be described in coherent words, only in eagle screeches.
She's wrong. On principle, she's wrong. Let's move on.
5) Luigi Comencini's Le Avventure di Pinocchio
Doesn't rank higher only because she's played by Gina Lollobrigida (my beloved). She's book accurate, which means she'd be annoying as fuck as it is, but what little they added only makes her worse.
She has the gall to tell Pinocchio she'd like to see him happier. Like, apart from the fact that the ghost of his father's deceased wife isn't exactly the most reassuring person to hear it from...Said father has been swallowed by a giant fish. You told that boy he's only going to see his father if he studies hard. You keep turning him into a puppet anytime he misbehaves. What did you expect, that he would do the Macarena every time he entered your house? I am honestly too shocked to say any more. What the fuck.
.
.
.
Okay, I've been enraged enough for a single night. Let's move onto brighter shores!
1) Enzo D'Alò's Pinocchio
Enzo D'Alò knows what the fuck is UP!!! The only one with the courage to let the Fairy be a weird little girl - not only for a short time, but up until the end of the movie! That takes guts! Balls of steel!
I've said before that this movie has nothing memorable to it, and it's true, but also...Pinocchio wanted a sister so bad, and the movie gave him one. And they even explained the plot hole of the medallion with Pinocchio's face in it! That's twice as good as the fact that they cut out the most awful parts of her story, which is already delightful.
Thank you, Mr D'Alò. You have my trust until the end of days.
2) The Adventures of Buratino
Speaking of weird girls, this one is officially balls to the walls enough to gain my respect. She's bothersome to Pinocchio, but she's bothersome to everyone and everything, so I'll let it pass. Her role is exclusively to appear out of nowhere and do batshit insane stuff for no good reason at all. A star.
Plus, other than having an handwashing obsession that I've felt very keenly in the past year and a half, she also has a boyfriend - her and Pierrot are the original girlboss and malewife, I'm not accepting any criticism on the matter.
(Fun fact: when I was a young kid I once dreamt that the Piccolino No Bouken Fairy was dating a big, buff and blonde farmhand. He wooed her by gifting Pinocchio a dog. Apparently I've always been very interested in Fairies getting a love life and staying the fuck away from my specialest little boy.)
3) Pinocchio miniseries
"Serena, but you said you were disappointed in this adaptation so many times!" True. But consider: I am also very, very queer, and Violante Placido being motherly and wearing wispy dresses stirred SOMETHING in 11yo me that I can't very well ignore.
In hindsight, she and the Cricket probably had something going on behind the scenes, which is a shame. Miss Fairy, I swear, you could do better than Luciana Littizzetto in an ill-fitting green suit. She's gonna break your heart and lose your puppet charge in a crowd of little idiots. Do me instead.
4) Pinocchio Vampire Slayer
This woman kills monsters - and she's damn good at it! Honestly, so badass, and such a good mother figure too, even in trying times. I don't want to spoil the comic much to those who haven't read it, but she and Cherry are the highlight of the first volume and I am very fond of them. A+.
5) Matteo Garrone's Pinocchio
This one's book accurate, too, but Garrone did something with her that almost burst in tears in a crowded theater. She's awful, and irritating, but she's...she's so human, too. I can't rage against a Fairy that's so impossibly human even during the smallest of scenes. It breaks me over and over again.
Look at her SMILING, for pity's sake, am I supposed to think there's some warmth in the dead lady? Fuck you, Matteo, what did you do to me? I am an honored Fairy hater. You're going to ruin my reputation if you keep this up.
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hii y’all, so I wanted to say thank you to some people and wish them a lovely new year. we of course have to deal with time zones and different religions that have influence on when the new year starts, so i’m just gonna post it now.
I love you all, to some I talk every day, to some just a few asks so now and then and others presence I just enjoy on my dash, nonetheless I love all of you and I’m grateful you put up with my shit haha x
I also wanted to say a quick thank you to all the lovely anons, your asks make my day and I’m honoured that you take time to send me some :) so thank you and I hope y’all have a lovely 2021!! ofcourse I wish everyone a happy new year as well, all my followers, everyone on this site, no matter who you are have a wonderful 2021 and may you get all the love and happiness you deserve x
@rafej-cambanks
dani, my older and wiser sister! I love you, I haven’t been texting you as much as i used to sorry, i think we’re both quite busy. anyway this doesnt make me love you any less, i love you lots bby! you were one of the first people that welcomed me, supported me and cared about me, most important of all, you were the first that gave me the feeling i wasn’t completely worthless and that you did that means so much! you are such a talented person and your writing is incredible!! but the most amazing thing about you is how lovely of a person you are. you care so much and you’re there for everyone, you defend your friends and anyone who needs defending. you always know how to cheer me up with pics of your lovely princess, chels is just absolutely gorgeous!!! I think you’re a wonderful friend, someone who you can laugh and cry with, thank you, im grateful i’ve met you this year and i hope that there are a lot of conversations to come. have a lovely new year babe
@deionswannabegirl
bubba, bella, how gorgeous are you ma’am????? i dont think it’s fair for the rest of us!!! i dont know where to start, you honestly mean so much to me. which may suprise you because we havent talked that many times, but i loved every single conversation we’ve had. you really helped me become the person i am, you helped me feel comfortable with my sexuality and gave me the confidence to come out to my parents, ill forever be grateful. but apart from how much you helped me, i think you are such a lovely woman, who sadly had too many things thrown at her by life. Im so sorry you’re having these hard times and i wish i could take those away from you. you are one of the most beautiful persons i’ve ever met, inside and outside!! you’re funny, you’re caring, you’re intelligent, you’re talented, you’re loving, you’re amazing bella and im honoured to have my cuddle bear be named after you hahah. I love you bub and i know it can be hard to talk to people or ask for help or just a distraction, because sometimes we dont need help or dont know what to talk about, i just want to let you know that i will always be here and i promise you can talk about anything with me, you are so strong love and i believe you will get through this and that you are gonna make beautiful memories, i love you! may 2021 be a year to make wonderful memories and may you get the love you deserve and you deserve lots of it <3
@aquariusholland
kyr! hi! i love you and every time i see you on my dash i get a smile on my face. you really have your own sense of humour and randomness, both which i adore. your jokes make me laugh in public and people are like wtf she laughing about haha. i relate to a lot of things you post haha and while we might not talk that much, i feel close to you. you kind of feel like a sister to me haha. you’re also a queen and come up for yourself and your believes, but also in a respectful way and i just admire that about you. I hope you have a wonderful new year and that it exists of a lot more of your random asks ;)
ps. can i call you kyr bear? idk i was thinking about you and my mind went to kyr bear hahah
@https-luna
lunaaaa bby! we both thought the other didn’t like them haha, but gosh i love you 👉👈 we haven’t been talking for that long yet i think two weeks maybe? idk but you’re already really important to me! i wish i could do more for you than just listen and maybe give some advice, but sadly i cant hold you in my arms and protect you from the world. i will however always do my best and ill be here for you no matter what. you deserve the world my love and things will get better and im here along the way and so are lots of other people, you really are loved bubba!!! i also started watching hannah montanna since you mentioned you loved that show ;) and finally someone with the same love for the little mermaid hahah. I hope that in 2021 we can get even closer, but i think we’re going down the right path <3 i love you and wish you a wonderful new year with lots of love, healing and health, because you deserve it so much! you’re also so strong and i fully believe that you will get there x
@sortagaysortahigh
hey love, we don’t really talk but i wanted to add you to the list. i really admire you!! you stand up for what you believe in, you educate so many people and do what’s right in this world!! you love your friends and i believe you’d anything for them!! you’re also hella funny and seeing you in my dash can make my day. i just wanted to tell you that you’re a wonderful human being and you make the world a lot better!! i hope you keep being the amazing person you are and i wish you all the love and happiness in the world!! also you’re a badass haha, happy new year angel 🖤
@annab-nana
anna bby, you’re the sweetest person i’ve ever met!! i love interacting with you so much, you always bring a smile to my face and i believe you do that to a lot of people. you’re an incredible presence on tumblr and in the world, i believe you make everyone’s life a bit brighter and i hope i can do the same for you. on top of that you’re also hella talented, idk what god thought when he made you ;) I love that we have gotten closer in the past few weeks, i cant believe that i hadn’t made the connection between you and your sideblog hahah, but now i know you and im grateful for it!!! you’re a loving, caring and supporting lil bean and i love you! i feel like i can come with anything to you and you’ll be there for me and that is an amazing feeling, so here just a reminder that you can also come with anything to me <3 i hope 2021 is gonna be a good year for you, you deserve it!!
ps - you’re absolutely gorgeous
@mxltifandoms06
hi sweetheart!! when i think of christmas i think of you ;) (i wrote this when it was almost christmas not new year haha) you’re such a cozy and sweet human being!! you’re supportive, caring and loving!! you always make my days better and i’m so grateful to have met you!! also your dog is just the most adorable ever!! im so glad you decided to come in my ask box and start interacting, i love you babe, i hope all the love you give you’ll receive in 2021, you’re deserving of a lot of love <3
@killingbxys
my queen! hi! we don’t talk as much as I would want to, but gosh i just have a comfortabel vibe with you, i feel like i can come with anything to you and every time i see you on my dash, asks, dm anything it brings a smile on my face. i’ve said it before, but you’re that one friend who you can both laugh and cry with. i feel like you’re this amazing presence here on tumblr and everyone is grateful to have you x i love you babe and i hope we will get closer in the new year :) if you’re up for that as well ofcourse hahah, im not going to force you to be friends with me (well... maybe i am... but we’re not gonna talk about that...). I wish you the best and i hope 2021 will treat you wonderful x
@jellyfishbeansontoast
izzy hi!! babe i love you and all your randomness, every time i see you in my dash i get a smile on my face!! also your work is incredible!!! and i love seeing you simping haha!! your whole blog is basically a mood and i love it 🥰 thank you for being your lovely self!! i hope you’ll get the love and happiness you deserve and i also hope to get closer in 2021 hehe ;) you’re just this amazing person and im honoured to be moots! have a lovely new year x
@demxters
elle my love, if we’re gonna talk about lovey and talented people ofcourse we have to add you to the list. you’re one of my favourite writers of all time, your titles, your aesthetic, your concepts, your way with words, it’s all so perfect!!! you always amaze me and then we started talking and omg you’re such a sweet person and every time i get an ask or a message from you it puts a smile on my face. i’m grateful i met you this year and i wish you all the best, i believe in you, you’re so strong!! i know you go through some difficult stuff, but i will always be there for you, remember you are worthy and so loved!!! i love you, have a wonderful 2021.
@pink-meringues
pink gosh im gonna miss you so bad, but i’m also really proud of you for doing what’s best for you and i really hope it will have positive effect on your well being and your happiness!! you’re such a loving and welcoming person!! thank you for being who you are and making so many peoples lives better, we all care about you babe!! have a lovely 2021 <3
@sunsetholland
hey love, if i’m gonna be honest here, you were the person who gave me the confidence to start being myself on this site, you probably don’t remember but once you send me an ask and wished me a lovely week, which brought a smile to my face!! that was the moment that i decided to be myself, thank you for that!! apart from that you are so freaking talented, i say it all the time but your work is like reading poetry, how you come up with your sentences i have no clue, but it’s wonderful and i’m amazed every time!! you’re also a lovely human being and your posts on my dash always make me smile!! i hope you have a lovely 2021 babe, i love you <3
@skiesofthesketchy
sky my love, you’re such a loving and supporting human being. you really bring peace on my dash and give me a calm feeling!! I honestly still can’t believe that my tumblr crush knew who I was and wanted to talk to me haha. I’m obsessed with your work and there are so many people who admire you, which you totally deserve!!! It’s almost unbelievable how talented you are haha and your music taste is also on point!! and how cool is it that you can play the guitar and have a job to do with music, I love it and you’re so talented and well deserving of every good thing that comes on your path. have a lovely new year x
@cognacdelights
hi bub, you’re one of my role models 🙈 you’re a classy badass who I admire so much, you’re one of the most talented persons I’ve ever met! you’re also so lovely and sweet!!! and you’re a really fascinating and interesting woman as well!! I wish you all the best my love, remember to take some time for yourself and try to ignore those toxic people, you’re more than enough and deserve to feel happy and loved
@mind-with-a-melody
tess, i know you haven’t had the best time lately and i wish 2021 could be a whole new start for you, sadly mental health doesn’t work that way. however i really hope it will be better for you and you’ll learn to have hope and maybe love yourself, because you are so worth it. you are beautiful on the inside and on the outside. you send love to people and make others peoples days better and that is the most wonderful trait someone can have, i believe in you, you are strong and even tho it may not feel like that but it will get better and i’m always here!! you’ll get help along the way, from me but also from so many other people who love you!! i hope 2021 will treat you better, you deserve all the love and the happiness ma’am, happy new year!!
@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone
hi audrey, we haven’t talked that much yet, but you’re the first blog i followed on here. you’re so talented and seeing you on my dash always brings a smile to my face. so i decided to send you an ask and then i found out that you’re a lovely human as well!! i wish you the best for 2021, you deserve all the happiness and love in the world!!
@nxsmss
well lara, where do I start, last but definitely not least. I just had to put you last because I knew your message would be one of the longest haha. it feels so weird for someone to accept me completely as who i am, but you do exactly that! okay now im starting to cry again, but you mean so much to me. you’re the best that happened to me in a long long time and you’re honestly the person who helps me the most, gives me the best feelings, it’s incredible how much talking to you can cheer me up and when i think about you i start to smile (and sometimes cry hahah, jeez i come over like a cry bby, i promise im not hahaha). you’re one of the most loving and caring persons i’ve ever met. you were so welcoming since the first time we met and i feel like we kinda immediatelly hit it off. we didnt have that ‘how are you and where do you live’ kind of conversations, while there is nothing wrong with small talk, i feel like we pretty much immediatly started being our weird selves around each other and i love it. we have like three dates every week haha and those are honestly what gets me through the week. and we basically interact almost every hour, no matter if it’s trough text, snap, tumblr or tiktok hahah. ive never felt more myself, more loved or more capable than with you. on top of that you are hella talented, wise, intelligent, gorgeous, pretty much perfect ;) i absolutely love everything about you, from the clumsy stuff you do to the sweet good morning and good night messages, from the random snaps to the deep conversations, from the weird asks to just basically acting like we’re a couple hehe. i just love everything and i cant imagine my life without you, im never letting you go babe.
@dmonchld @jiaraendgame @vintageobx @rafeyybabyy @camillemonty, @amorejjaygron
we may not interact that much but every time I see you on my dash or asks or something it brings a smile to my face!!
also @dmonchld you are my icon 🙈 and i admire you so much, im just a scared lil bean which stops me from interacting with you hahah, but you’re so strong and brave. i think you are a wonderful friend and just an incredible person in general
@jiaraendgame your music taste is just on point!! and im so grateful for you, when ive posted about tough subjects you comment and even when we didnt know each other you supported me and comforted me, thank you, i think you are this amazing person and i love every interaction with you
@vintageobx and @rafeyybabyy you guys were some of the first people I started talking to and you’ve always been supportive thank you for that!! you’re both really kind and i hope 2021 will treat you with nothing but love
@camillemonty and @amorejjaygron you both make me feel welcome on this site and I’m really grateful for that!
i wish you all a wonderful new year and may it be filled with love, laughter and making wonderful memories
i love you
btw i started writing this like a month ago, because i never work on the stuff that i need to work on and knew i wouldn’t be able to finish it if i didn’t start already haha, so yeah, with some people the relationships might have changed a bit, like we’ve already become closer, but i think it’s all pretty up to date, but if it isn’t then you know that that’s why <3 and there are probably a lot of errors because it’s barely proofread and i’m a horrible at typing so that’s that 🙈
#happy new year#i love you guys#mutuals#me ranting about how i love oyu#im a simp for all of you#im terrible with words but everything i said was with the best intention and i hope i could bring the message about how wonderful you are#and how much i care about you#i wish y'all the best and i'm looking forward to more conversations and getting even closer <3
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Firebug and Freezer Burn
My entry for @tilltheendwilliwrite ‘s 7.7k follower (covid sucks) writing challenge.
Clearly my time management (and mental health management) is lacking, but I figured I would post this anyway.
Sorry.
The pic on the right was my prompt, I added the one on the left.
PLEASE FORGIVE THIS SHITASS TITLE
WC: 3276
Warnings: Fire, cursing, panic, being ill, fluff who the fuck knows
The small suburban neighborhood evening was shattered by the fire engine sirens screaming toward the pillar of fire that had once been a family home. Neighbors who had called 911 huddled outside, speaking to responders as they arrived. The three person family living in the burning house hadn't been seen since the fire started, but as far as anyone knew, they had been at home earlier. The parents had picked up the little girl after school, and returned home like usual. On a normal night, they would have all been in bed by now, if not for the noisy terrier up the street, the fire may have spread farther. Tears burned in throats, and sobs were barely contained as smoke and ash stung sleepy eyes. Lucky. The neighbors were lucky, and they all felt it, the feeling increasing in strength as the minutes ticked by with no sign of the family.
There was practically nothing left of the house now. The supporting structural pieces were still standing, but drywall had been all but disintegrated, leaving an empty shell, filled with smoldering ash. Nothing could have survived a blaze that hot.
An impossible shout came from a firefighter in the house. Firefighters converged on their brother and all blinked in surprise at what they saw. A small body, unconscious but unharmed, wrapped in an equally small blanket. The little girl, she was untouched by fire, though it was clear it had burned through the room around her. Her bed was ash beneath her, and nothing of her room remained standing. She seemed asleep, snoring softly as her dreams went undisturbed by the chaos around her.
The only thing odder still was her skin. It was tinged gray. That could have just been the smoke, if not for the cracks. Like lava creating fissures in soft volcanic stone, lines glowed red-orange all across her skin, visible even underneath her nightgown. The stunned firemen didn’t seem to know how to react, but one of the EMTs on sight already had their phone up to their ear,
“Phil, you need to get here. There’s someone you’re gonna want to see.”
...Years Later
Having been raised by Phil Coulson, your life was fairly heavily impacted by SHIELD (and the tales of Captain America), it wasn’t a surprise that you became an agent. Though Phil actually wasn’t too happy about his little girl being put into dangerous situations, you gained his approval after pointing out that you would probably involve yourself in dangerous situations whether or not you had the training or backup that SHIELD provided. Working with the Avengers probably shouldn’t have surprised you either, but all you knew you had was your immunity to fire. Turned out that ability, in combination with your martial arts and weapons training from SHIELD, was actually incredibly useful to the Avengers. One mission became several more, and before you knew it, you were living with them.
Phil was a pretty constant visitor, he wasn’t “checking on you”, he was “touching base with the team”, or fanboy-ing over Cap. Mmmmhmm, sure thing. You knew better, but you generally didn’t call him on it, though it got you a lot of shit from Tony Stark. Honestly, Tony would have found something to tease you about either way. Being called “kid” was probably pretty tame, especially considering Tony’s other name for you: “Glow-Stick”. Clint called you “kid” all the time anyway.
The two members of the team who could have called everyone “kid” were usually the most respectful. Steve never called you anything other than your name, Bucky had called you a few different names, but none of them pejorative. Natasha tended to refer to everyone but Clint by their last name, and Sam, well Sam just called you an idiot, but that was for a different reason.
“Well you are an idiot. Seriously, you oughtta man-up and tell him already.” You and Sam were in the lounge area, having reached a commercial break during the game you were watching. He was leaning back against the arm of the sofa opposite you, rolling his eyes.
“First of all, ‘man-up’? Really? You wanna have that discussion again?” you gave him a significant look, eyebrow raised in indignation. He scoffed and waved you off, you continued, “second of all, mind your own business.”
“He’s gonna die in his sleep before you say anything at this point,” Sam’s voice was mocking.
“Stay in your own lane Wilson,” you growled.
“I’m just saying-”
“Nothing. You’re just saying nothing. The game’s back on.”
“C’mon , you gotta -”
“No, Sam.”
“What’s he up to now?” Natasha asked as she walked into the room, dropping into a seat with a bowl of popcorn.
“Nuh-uh, I’m not saying shit to you.” You knew better than to even give a kernel of information to a master spy.
“Pft, I probably know whatever it is already,” she shrugged. She wasn’t wrong, but as long as she didn’t realize Sam was pushing you to admit it, Natasha wouldn’t interfere.
You turned to watch the game, missing the glint in Sam’s eye as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.
You weren’t going to say shit. The only reason Sam knew about your adolescent crush was that he had hung out with Phil for too damn long one night, and Phil had been a little too open with your story. Years of hearing about Captain America’s exploits had been a basis of your childhood, but Steve wasn’t the character who fascinated you. That was James Buchanan Barnes. Unlike your father figure, your interest lay in the Commando’s sniper, not its leader. Originally, you had wanted to specialize in long-range shooting, but now, having more intimate knowledge of just how involved sniping was, you were even more impressed with Bucky. There were way too many calculations involved in what he did, and he did it so well.
He had been the yardstick you’d used to measure every romantic partner you’d had, and most of them fell short. That was before you knew he was alive. What was funny was that the Bucky you knew now beat the yardstick you’d made of his past self.
He was sweet, and mindful of everyone around him, and when he wasn’t too deep in his own head, he was really funny. From the first night you had accidentally stumbled upon him on the roof after a nightmare, you’d been fast friends. Though he was the member of the team you worked with the least, he was the one you spent the most downtime with. Hence, why you put up with all his nicknames. Doll, Sugar, Sweetheart, Darlin’.
When a tennis ball bounced off your head, startling you out of the unintentional mental tangent, you realized that not only had more of the team entered the room, they had clearly been talking to you.
A blush rapidly heated your face. “Sorry. What?”
“Where’s your head at, kid?” Tony asked. He was sprawled across the loveseat, looking more at you than at the TV.
“Nowhere important; zoned out a little. Guess I’m just tired.”
“Suuuuure you are,” Sam drawled, exchanging looks with Natasha. Your brow furrowed, but you said nothing.
The topic changed back to the game, as Bucky came into the room. Steve was already seated in the armchair next to Natasha, but instead of crossing to his best friend, Bucky settled on the arm of the sofa, right beside you. Sam cleared his throat, and you shot him a threatening look.
“Jesus Sam, what did you do to get her looking at you like that?” Steve asked. He sounded almost worried. You would have laughed at his concerned look, but you had to keep an eye on Sam. You let the silence stretch out, not answering Steve and not looking away from Sam, until you were reasonably sure he would keep his mouth shut.
“It’s nothing Steve. Sam just needs to mind his own business.”
“He is nosy as hell,” Bucky grumbled behind you, his arm going to the back of the couch and essentially around your shoulders.
“Aw, you’re just mad cause he’s bugging you about your secrets.”
“Natasha, I don’t care how hard it’ll be, I will kill you.” There was no inflection in your voice, nothing to give away how angry and scared you were. Maybe you should have given a little emotion for the team to read. Maybe then they would have let it go.
As it was, they collectively ganged up on you, grilling you, and refusing to be redirected until you snapped.
“Just fucking drop it!” you shouted, throwing the tennis ball that was still in your hands at the last team member to pry, Tony.
Everyone was staring. And it took you a moment to process exactly why.
The tennis ball had been on fire.
It hadn’t been on fire before you threw it, and yet it was flaming when it almost hit Tony in the head.
Silence, and slow blinks all around.
“Holy shit.” Sam was staring open mouthed.
“FRIDAY, when was the last time we checked the fire protocols?” Tony asked, his face still showing surprise, but his voice calm.
“I- I-... That-” you couldn’t seem to form a sentence. Your body seemed frozen to the spot.
“Well that’s interesting,” Natasha mused.
“Is this- is this new?” Clint asked from his seat on the floor in front of Natasha’s chair.
You didn’t know what to say. Was this new? You’d never done it before. You would have known if you had… right?
The only fire you’d ever been in was… oh god.
And just like that, your body was no longer frozen. You shot up out of your seat and sprinted down the hall. You ran into your room and passed through to the attached bathroom without checking if the door was closed, too intent on reaching your destination. Your knees hit the floor in front of the toilet just in time.
Tears poured from your eyes as you retched. Panic had your chest and gut constricting, making you struggle to breathe. The room would have spun if your head weren’t resting on the cool porcelain of the toilet. As it was, your ears were ringing so much that you couldn't hear your own panting breaths, let alone someone entering the room behind you. You wouldn’t have known Bucky was there if he hadn’t slid his cool metal hand to the back of your neck.
“Shh, doll. It’s okay. It’s just me,” he soothed when you jumped.
You hiccuped in response, taking several minutes to calm to the point that he was able to usher you out of the bathroom.
Sitting you on the edge of your bed, Bucky stepped back into your bathroom, flushing the toilet and wetting a soft washcloth before coming back to you. He held out the cloth, but when you failed to take it, he began to gently wipe at your face.
“You know none of the team is upset or freaked out, so what made you run outta there?” Bucky asked quietly.
“What if I did it?” you asked in response, your voice so low Bucky almost missed it.
“Did what, doll?”
“The fire, my parents-” you cut off, unable to say anything more, as fresh tears filled your eyes.
Phil Coulson had been a fantastic foster dad, no doubt about it, but your child’s brain took a long time to adjust to his parenting style. You had missed your parents. Phil had done his best not to erase your parents from your memories. He didn’t know much about them, but your old neighbors had been happy to share stories with you, and you’d created an idealistic version of them in your head. You couldn’t understand why you had survived and they hadn’t, and the nightmares that had followed you into adulthood were still traumatic. What if you had been the cause of the mysterious fire that had killed them.
“Doll. Hey. Hey Sugar, look at me okay?” Bucky’s hands were on either side of your face. When you met his eyes you got the feeling he had been trying to get your attention for a while. His thumbs softly rubbed your cheekbones as he spoke. “It wasn’t you, doll. It wasn’t your fault.”
“How- how can you possibly know,” you asked in a whisper, trying to pull your face out of his grip, but his fingers tightened slightly.
“You’ve never done that before. And you’ve only been in one mystery fire.”
“Yeah but-” you started, but Bucky talked right over you.
“If you had been able to start fires as a kid, you would have had it happen around you frequently. When you were angry, when you were scared; it would have happened all the time when you were little, but it didn’t.” He brushed a tear from the corner of your eye and his voice softened. “It wasn’t you honey. I’m sure of it.”
That was a sentiment that he repeated with a few minor variations for several minutes until you calmed down. Once you did, you realized that the position you were in was a little close for comfort. At some point, Bucky had moved from kneeling in front of you, to sitting on the bed beside you, to holding you in his lap. He had his arms around you and your head tucked under his chin.
However, when you squirmed slightly, embarrassed by your behavior and more than ready to put some space between you and the super soldier you had a giant crush on, Bucky did not let you go.
“Buck,” you said, your voice was a little gravely from crying, “I’m okay.”
“Yeah?” He replied, not sounding convinced.
“Yeah, you can let me go now.” You were fairly certain he could feel the heat in your face through his shirt.
“I can, but I don’t want to.”
“I- what?” you stuttered.
“I happen to like holding you, never got to do it before, but I’ve decided I like it and I’m not ready to let you go yet.” Bucky said it in such a matter of fact tone, it sounded reasonable.
The fuck? Did you hear that right? Uh….
Before you could formulate any kind of response, Bucky’s phone started to ring. He managed to get it from his pocket and answer it without releasing you.
“Hello Agent Coulson, thank you for calling me back. Yes, she’s right here, hold on,” he held the phone out to you.
Still in a sort of shock, you took the phone without question. “Papa?” You used the name you called him when you were little. He was never “Dad” or “Daddy” you could remember calling your father that. No, Phil Coulson was “Papa”.
“Hey sweetie. I heard you had a little scare.” You almost burst into fresh tears, but Phil continued. “You never really asked me about the fire, so I never made it a point to tell you about it. It wasn’t you sweetheart.” As Bucky continued to hold you, occasionally rubbing your back, or rocking you slightly, Phil told you about your father’s business, and the intense and hostile relationship he had with his rival. A rival who had decided that killing your father and your family was the best way to enable a hostile takeover of your father’s much more successful business.
An entire amusement park’s worth of emotions rolled through you as you listened to the tale. Anger so intense you could feel smoke all but coming out your ears.
“Doll,” Bucky softly drew your attention, his fingers ever so lightly grazing your arm. When you looked down, you almost jerked out of his hold.
“Holy fuck!” The lava fissures were glowing across your skin. You knew you let off heat when you were like that. You’d burned plenty of bad guys, guards, and assholes as soon as they made skin contact. “Bucky, let me up.” He did, but he didn’t leave the room as you finished your call with Phil.
Phil felt guilty for not telling you all this earlier, but you shook your head, forgetting he couldn’t see you. “It’s not your fault, Papa. I didn’t know this was even a possibility for me to do, I never questioned the fire before. There’s no reason for you to tell me, I didn't ask.” After reassuring him a few more times, and promising to visit him soon and showing him what you’d done, assuming you could repeat the stunt, you said your goodbyes. “Love you, Papa.”
“Love you too sweetheart. See you soon.”
You handed Bucky his phone back, not getting too close to him. But he took his phone and then quickly grabbed your wrist, pulling you close to him again.
“Bucky, you're gonna get burnt!”
“No I won’t. You haven’t burned me before, and I’ve been near you like this before. It’s okay.”
“You’ve what?! Why would you do that?!”
“Why would you let me get anywhere near you?”
“Huh?” Well that was a topic change.
“I’m just as dangerous as you. More so actually, I’ve hurt and killed way more people than you probably ever will. You never hesitated to get near me.” Bucky held up his metal arm, drawing attention to it.
“That’s different Bucky, I don’t have control of this. You have control, you would never choose to hurt me.”
“It’s not different to me. I’m not afraid of you. You wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, and I trust you to keep me safe.” You shook your head, incredulous. “You’ve never burned your clothes. You have burned the shit out of people before, but you’ve never burned your clothes.” When you didn’t respond, Bucky said, “you’re in control, Sugar, and I trust you.”
Too many revelations in one day. That was your explanation. A second after Bucky stopped speaking, you registered what he was saying, and dropped your forehead to his, all the fight leaving your body, as your eyes closed. He settled you more comfortably on his lap but kept your foreheads together.
You sighed. “It’s been a hell of a day,” you said with a laugh.
“You’ve had a few shocks alright,” Bucky agreed. After a short pause, he spoke again. “Think you can handle one more?”
You hummed, “probably,” and soft lips pressed against yours.
A quick intake of breath and your eyes shot open, but you didn’t pull away. “Bucky?”
It was his turn to hum. A small smile slowly spreading across lips that had just pulled back from yours.
“What- why?”
“Been wanting to do that for a while. And if you don’t want to tell me to fuck off, I’m gonna want to do it again. You gonna tell me to fuck off?”
Hesitantly, you shook your head and the smile on his lips stretched. When he pulled back from your second kiss, you could feel a matching smile on your own lips.
Hours later, the two of you emerged from your room, a plan in place to test your new ability. Another plan for how to explore your relationship with both of you being Avengers and having very little privacy. And most importantly, a plan in place to fuck with your nosy, annoying teammates.
“Hey there, Matches,” Tony called as he spotted you from down the hall.
“Seems I’ve got a new name,” you grumbled.
“At least you’re not ‘Manchurian Candidate’,” Bucky grouched, pressing a kiss to your temple. A kiss Tony did not miss.
“OH MY GOD! Firebug and Freezer Burn are kissy-face!” Tony Stark, a 12 year old. You rolled your eyes and prepared yourself for handling your teammates.
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TW: mental illness, self harm, triggers, swear words, mention of therapy, mention of “mum” or mum figure.
Okay. Let’s stop right there. I don’t look mentally ill.... wh.... what does that even mean? I don’t.... what? I don’t look mentally ill. How is mentally ill supposed to look?
Because I didn’t brush my hair today and turned it into my aesthetic. My dress isn’t ironed and it’s only clean because my mum did my washing for me. I became hyper focused on my make up today.... again. It’s my newest “thing” and I’ve wasted money that I needed on it on an impulse buy where refunds aren’t accepted. I like shaving my legs, haven’t for..... ??? Same with arm pits. That pic is also the one I liked most from around 105 other pics, in different rooms.... with different lighting.... poses, smile, head tilt, slight.face.change.only.I.notice and tbh I really fucking hate myself while I go through 105 photos, some where I forgot the filter and I saw mirror me. Hate her.
Every time I walk across a bridge I want to throw my fucking phone off it. Typing that made me really angry. There is just something about walking over a bridge and smashing my phone off it. I think of it and my whole body gets agitated, I might even twitch. It’s now all I can think about. I want to do it. I love my phone! There’s so many precious photos on there (I don’t back up stuff, I want to though, promise....) and I don’t want to smash my phone but I really, really want to throw it off a bridge and smashing it. I think about this every day. I don’t know why I’m so passionate about it. This one I can trigger on purpose and I regret it every time because one day I think I’ll do it and then hate myself. All those f-bombs are totally impulsive by the way lol if I didn’t write those I was never gunna sleep until I did. That’s just the rules. I don’t make the rules but I do.
I have little impulse control, especially if I’m manic or psychotic at the time.... I do shit I regret CONSTANTLY. And I know it’s going to make a mess of my life but I do it anyway, come down after it and regret it.... then I bury it so deep until the next time I do said thing. Most of the time it’s for attention and most of the time I get it even if I manipulate it out of people. I will go to the kitchen, take my meds, walk over to my mum who’s in another room and tell her that I’m not taking them today or ever again.... ???? I just took them. I do the same the next day. It makes her mad. Make sense? Nope. But I can’t stop myself from doing this. I feel guilty every time I do it. There’s constant conflict in my head.
I test people to see how far I can push before they leave me and then I test that boundary for the rest of the time I know you. Don’t worry, it’s only if you’re in my close circle of people who might care for me, mum, FP, siblings, friends.... they cop it the most and I love them and they don’t deserve it but my golly gosh, sometimes I’m just that mad that everything inside me explodes out and I become a monster. I’ve said things I can never take back that make me want to die every day. Evil, evil things. I hate myself for it. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this. I bet everyone is so done with my shit. Because same. Everyone else, I’m just adjusting myself to whatever social context I’ve found myself in. I’m good at adapting. You’ll like me, promise because I am you, pretty much.
I mask. Incredibly well. That’s not about my face. Next is about my face. I make it LOOK like I’m not mentally ill by literally ACTING LIKE IM NOT MENTALLY ILL. But I am, on the inside, like in my brain. Which you can’t see. Because it’s a MENTAL ILLSESS. Do umm... do we get it? I feel like we get it. I hope we get it. I’m also self aware, which took years of self reflection and therapies so I could learn about myself and try to “fix” it or at least just learn enough to do the opposite of some things. I’m mentally ill but I’m still a person, I’m still out here doing people stuff, doing the best I can.
Also, you may also notice I have a black eye. I was having a psychotic episode that was triggered because I argued with FP and they ignored me for what I see now was their own sanity. So I feel pretty rejected and abandoned. I just need to add that myself and FP have an extremely unhealthy relationship and I’m aware of this also. Erghhhhh. Anyway. While they were ignoring me, I called them as many times as I could. I also wanted to kill my self. I also told them this. Fucked up right? And I would never do this if I wasn’t in an episode. I then became frustrated and stressed and when that’s at max level I begin to punch myself in the head and the face.
This hurts, a lot. I’m often seen with a black eye, facial bruising, head lumps and split lips because I punch myself in the head. This is also new for me, maybe the last 12 months I’ve done this. One day I just couldn’t keep it in anymore and started punching myself in the head. I hate myself when I do this.
I hate myself a lot and I hate that statement. Dw I do love myself too. Depends on the hour or the minute. I promise I’m not faking. This is just today. It’s 10:30 in the morning and I was trying to cover a black eye at around 5:30 because I had a dream that felt too real and I was really angry and couldn’t sleep and I kept getting brain zaps.
This is what it’s like in my head. I know you can’t see it, I know I don’t say it but trust me, my head is.... and the hating myself and being exhausted all the fucking time by everything because so difficult.
Please don’t tell people they don’t look mentally ill. This is also the only place where I can vent like this and people are like “same, just same” and we nod at each other and we carry on. It’s beautiful. Don’t ruin that for us! It feels like the world doesn’t get it as it is.
Also, I REALLY LOVE YOU LOVES! ❤️❤️ thanks for being there and listening to all my bullshit. Especially when I don’t proof read very often so idk if it even makes sense. I’m glad you guys support it though, you’ve been the best diary I’ve ever had 🥰
#RANT#VENT#BPD#ADHD#GAD#BAD1#BORDERLINE#PERSONALITY#DISORDER#mentally ill#probably makes no sense#didn’t proof read again#sorry everyone#back with my bullshit#don’t message me with this
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something i noticed, during the s3 byler argument, Mike says “El’s not stupid, it’s not MY fault you don’t like girls.” Mike’s “it’s not my fault” doesn’t fit as a retort, the theme of his retort should be defending El. He should have said “it’s not HER fault you don’t like girls”. Knowing there were other versions of that line the writers must have consciously chosen to leave this one in, knowing how it could be interpreted. anyway, do you have any idea why mike even said that line?
Yes, I have talked about it -here (in my long ‘why Mike is gay post’). But since so many people misinterpret the meaning of Mike’s words- might as well do a shorter/more brief version .And do a post focusing on it. HE’S SAYING THIS TO HIMSELF!
First some background
Mike DOES NOT think Will is gay. Dustin foreshadows their fight in s1 saying “Dustin: “He’s just jealous.” Mike: “What?” Dustin: “Sometimes your total obliviousness just blows my mind?” Dustin: “ What matters is, he’s your best friend. And then this girl shows up… and all you ever want to do is spend time with her!” Mike: “that’s not true!”
Dustin: “Yes it is! And you know it. And he knows it. But no one ever says anything until you’re both start… yelling at each other like goblins with intelligence scores of 0. And now everything is weird”
Mike: “He’s not my best friend! … I mean he is. But so are you.”
He won’t let himself consider that Will could be gay because then it would be harder to pretend he isn’t gay himself . That it isn’t just a weird phase that he’ll grow out of. We see that throughout the show Mike is projecting his feelings for Will on to El . Who in s1 was described by 5 characters as looking like a boy (and specifically like Will, by 3 characters ). There’s just way too many examples of him projecting to list here. But s3 we see Mike is trying to mimic romantic moments between him and Will (from s2) to El (in s3). In order to transfer his romantic feelings for Will on to El. The “blank makes you crazy” vs “crazy together”, the shed scenes of “most important thing” vs “the best thing I’ve ever done”,etc.
The difference between past seasons though, is that Mike is now conscious that he’s doing this. The more feminine El gets- the harder for him it is to pretend. Especially now that they’re going through puberty- and the physical differences between boys and girls is becoming more prominent. We see this in the first ep of s3. I talked about it more here, but the Duffers use music with all the characters to convey plot points or the emotions of the characters. One example is when Mike forces Will to dance with a girl so he ‘fakes a smile’.
So yes, the fact that the very first lyrics that play when we see mileven kiss for the first time is “Just a little uncertainty can bring you down”- reflects Mike’s true feelings.And we know this is how Mike (not El) feels about their relationship because he begins to sing the song right after this lyric.The song is even from the album titled “boy in the box”. AKA: Mike is in the closet
“And nobody wants to know you now. And nobody wants to show you how.So if you’re lost and on your own. You can never surrender.” He fears that if he isn’t straight everyone he cares about will abandon him, and that he’d be lost and the only one ‘like this’ -all alone.But he can’t ‘surrender’ the false-idea of being in love with El (out of fear). This is the rural Indiana in the 80s- at the height of the aids epidemic. People on the news said gay people were being rightfully punished with the ‘gay cancer’ (aids). They equated being gay with being a perv, p*d*phile, murderer, or mentally ill. Churches said you’d ‘burn in hell’. In rural areas people would form gangs and murder people they thought were gay. Of course Mike is terrified and wants to be straight! His parents in s2 were Reagan supporters. And Reagan was notoriously homophobic. He’s probably afraid his parents will hate him, kick him out, or that someone will kill him or he’ll die from aids by simply kissing a boy.
We see Mike is doing his own f-ed up form of conversion therapy. He kisses El but he puts on the wall a drawing of Will so he can look at it while he kisses her. Probably hoping to transfer his romantic feeling for Will on to her.
Like that’s Will! He has light brown hair (not black) and Will is the only one associated with fire and has drawn himself with fire in the past. And Will even overlaps with the rainbow drawing that reads “mike” before we see the mileven kiss. It was intentional.
So when Will Says “you’re ruining everything (their relationship) .And for what?! So you can swap spit with some stupid girl.”
This infuriates Mike because he thinks swapping spit with El is the best way to save their relationship! And he’s been trying to ‘fix himself’ so Will doesn’t hate him- and it hasn’t been working, to Mike’s frustration. So he screams “El’s not stupid, it’s not my fault you don’t like girls!” because he’s projecting. And although, he loves Will… a part of him probably is a bit angry that he’s making him feel this way.
Mike never actually says to El’s face that he loves her- he even says during his fake-confession “[old people] say it”.And later Mike apologizes to El and says “sorry, I sound like a [7 year old].” Aka the number Will rolled in s1. Right after he discusses d&d with Will and talks about seeing both of them for the Hollidays. So it’s telling that after he says “El’s not stupid . it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” (to himself). He immediately regrets yelling at Will. He even closes his eyes and takes a breath before continuing. And apologizes, by giving a heteronormative answer of:
“I’m not trying to be a jerk, but [we’re not kids anymore]. What did you think, really?! that we’d never get girlfriends. That we’d just sit in my basement and play games for the rest our lives?”
Mike is yelling this at himself to keep his feelings for Will under control.El is an idea to Mike about what adulthood is- which is why he doesn’t really defend el (and his ‘love’ for her) but just talks about “girlfriends” in an abstract way. This was essentially Mike telling himself- he’s NOT allowed to just be with Will and never have a gf. He has to grow out of his ‘childish feelings’ for Will- before it’s too late, because being a gay man is dangerous. That’s why when the camera is on Mike (when he looks back a the byers house -and they only show Will and Mike). The dialogue is “But I know you’re getting older, growing, changing. I guess, if I’m being really honest, that’s what scares me. I don’t want things to change.”He doesn’t want things to change (and his feelings for Will to evolve into love, because that means Mike has to admit he’s gay and accept his future as a gay man-which at the time, didn’t seem very bright). They both are afraid of the future because of this. Mike tries to act like a ‘straight-adult’ and Will tries to revert back into his childhood because of this.
Mike also mentions “games’ because d&d is a symbol of byler’s romantic relationship. He’s just pretending to not enjoy the d&d game. Mike says they have to get girlfriends and they can’t play games for the rest of their lives. But that’s what Mike wants- he just wants to be with Will for the rest of his life (playing games) without either of them having girlfriends. Because, we see Mike never took any of Will’s d&d art off his walls.Even though he changed his poster (from the same wall that had will’s drawings on it) Mike couldn’t remove any of Will’s d&d art. It was an act - which is why he was upset (in the last episode) when Will was donating the game, and why during the Hopper speech, it pans to Mike as Hopper says “I miss playing board games every night.”
Mike even has a binder filled with every d&d drawing Will has ever given him.
In the pilot, they even say Will uses d&d to “escape” his insecurities about his sexuality “like mike” & Mike uses d&d to “escape” his insecurities about not having a gf. * And no, dustin & Lucas didn’t use d&d to “escape” anything- in the pilot script.
And right before Mike says the famous “crazy together”line it zooms in on Mike’s d&d set.
The “crazy together” scene is romantic since both Mike & Flo both equate love making you ‘crazy’. Mike saying “it makes you crazy” and Flo saying saying in s1 “ only love makes you crazy and that damn stupid”).
(x)(x)
Mike is lying about his feelings for El- and El is just confused about her feelings for Mike. The only one’s with mutual feelings for Mike is Will! Will even has a breakdown and goes ‘crazy’ after seeing a pic of them the night they promised to go crazy together - and then Will repeatedly calls himself ‘stupid’ . Because this is when he realizes and admits to himself he’s in love with Mike. And so he grabs a bat (that his dad- who called him a ‘queer’ taught him to use) and destroys castle Byers in a fit of anger and self-hate. That fight was what caused Will to realize his feelings for Mike and the jealousy he had been feeling were because he was in love with Mike. When Mike asks “what did you think, really? That we’d never get girlfriends… play games for the rest of our lives?”
Will is 100% honest a says brokenly “yeah. I guess I did” And then says angrily “I really did!” . Even if both don’t understand the gravity of their words in that moment Will was honest- he doesn’t want to ever have a girlfriend he just wants to be with Mike for the rest of his life. And Mike, who assumes Will is straight, is shocked that this conversation upset Will. Or that he would disagree with his words.
And again their last conversation (about d&d is very telling and is foreshadowing). What Will meant when he said , “I’ll just use yours when I come back- I mean… if WE still wanna play”. Is essentially foreshadowing that the ball is in Mike’s court. If he wants to be with Will for the rest of his life he has to initiate it and prove he loves Will after pretending for so long to love El, instead.
gif credit: first 2 gifs ampwn98 , 3th gif by janebycrs, 5th gif Cath-avery , 4 & 6th gifs mine
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Survey #446
“so you can throw me to the wolves / tomorrow i will come back, leader of the whole pack”
Favourite cheese? American.
Superman or Batman? I know literally nothing of Superman, but I like Batman.
Who are your best friends? The only person I consider a best friend is Sara.
Name the 3 most important people in your life: My mom, Sara, and... I suppose myself since I cherish my mental health VERY deeply.
Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? No.
Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? In my personal opinion, yes. I do believe it's possible to be "overly" flirty, considering you can really lead people on. It's a she.
Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. No.
Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? No. I'm really not into that.
What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? I think the most disgusting thing anyone can do is commit rape.
Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? I feel teleportation is obviously more convenient and useful in dangerous situations.
Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? LKJFL;AKSDJFKLASJDLFKA;WE NOOOOOOOOOO. I am WAY too terrified of tornadoes to watch that.
Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? Hurricane Floyd was pretty devastating. I was too young to really remember it, though.
Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? She probably did.
What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? BOJANGLE'S, AHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? I mean, it's possible, but I don't know.
Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I didn't know they stopped.
Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? I couldn't possibly care less, it's a natural bodily function. Just because of societal standards though, I don't burp in public, though, but only around family and close friends.
What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? Anything like rap that has a STUPIDLY loud bass that just annoys everyone within a ten mile radius.
When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? A year or two ago, for my nephew. No one else was free to watch him, so I had no choice. Nothing bad happened, besides nearly having a panic attack.
Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? No. Even Sara and I don't do it, because I'm too self-conscious of how I look. Even though she's seen me plenty before irl.
Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? Well, I majored in biology briefly... I wanted to be a wildlife biologist. I just adore animals and thought I could do it. I just couldn't handle school.
When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? I'm not especially close to any of my cousins.
Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? Yessss!
is writing something that you enjoy doing? Definitely.
Would you rather read or write? Write.
Would you rather draw or take photographs? If I wind up being very proud of the product, I prefer drawing, but I take pictures far more.
When was the last time you cheated at something? I have no clue.
Has anyone ever copied off of your homework assignments? I think so?
Do you have any pictures of celebs saved to your computer? ... *stares at my folder labelled "Mark"*
What would you consider your favorite holiday? Why is this? Christmas. I love the whole vibe of it. The weather, the smells, the treats, my niece's and nephew's excitement... I adore all the lights and decorations, the gratefulness for family and your loved ones in general... I just love Christmas.
If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? I'd say my hips are normal.
Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? God no. Not anymore.
Have you ever taken a pottery class before? Nope.
How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. Once. I didn't like it.
Has your best friend ever made you cry? Yes. But in her defense, we've both made the other cry.
Have you ever entered a talent competition? God no, I ain't got shit to flaunt.
Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? Yes.
If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark colour or a light? And if you wear mascara, what colour is it? I only ever wear black for both of those.
What is your favourite Christmas movie? Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
What do you get complimented on the most? My Markiplier tattoo, actually.
What do you think of your best friend’s ex? One I REALLY don't like, the other I'm neutral about.
Are you biracial? No.
Do you have Pop-Tarts in your house right now? No. We try to not buy them, given they're just TOTALLY empty calories. They don't fill me at all.
Is anyone’s birthday coming up? No.
Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No.
Do you like sour candy? I LOVE sour candy.
Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Alaska, to see the Northern Lights.
Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I haven't driven in well over a year. Hell, maybe two. But no, because I'd need prescription sunglasses.
Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no.
Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah.
What time do you usually have dinner? 5:30-6:30, usually.
What’s your favourite meat? Chicken, I think.
What is your favourite meal of the day and why? Breakfast. I just enjoy breakfast foods.
What colour is your shampoo? White.
Tell me a silly little old wive’s tale you believed when you were a child: My older sister got me to believe that if you said a word a ridiculous amount of times, it'd be the only word you knew how to say anymore, lmao. Shut up, I was little.
What was the last magazine you bought? Do you subscribe to any? I don't buy magazines.
Whose Facebook profile did you last look at? Was there anything that caught your attention? Uh, that's a good question.
Do you regret your last relationship? Not at all.
What’s better, mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes? Mashed potatoes, though I'm picky with them and the texture.
Did you ever used to make cookies, cakes, or pie with your grandma? No.
Do you like kids? Not especially. They ask too many questions and can be really rude, even though I know they usually don't mean to be.
What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders play Dino Crisis 2. I finished her playthrough of Final Fantasy X, so now I feel a void in my soul that I am trying to fill with a new series lmao.
Do you burn incense? Not really anymore. I'm not against it, I just... haven't.
What is your favorite kind of cracker? Cheese-Itz.
Can you name a single song by Billy Joel without looking it up? Yeah; I can name a few, actually. My dad loves Billy Joel, so I heard him a lot growing up. "Piano Man" is a classic.
Do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]? I actually really like the Jolly Rancher ones.
Have you ever been kissed while sitting atop the hood of a car? That's actually possible... but I'm not sure. I think I have a faint memory of lying on a car hood with Jason before.
What do you think is the dumbest/tackiest piercing? I don't like calling a piercing either of those, like if they make someone feel more confident and attractive, good for them. I can say I'm personally not a fan of the smiley piercing, though.
Have you ever requested a song on the radio? No. When I was a kid at a birthday party, though, one of the girls did.
Does your mother still take care of you if you get ill? She helps a lot, yeah.
What is one song that always brings back memories every time you hear it? Honestly, too many. I attach way too aggressively to songs.
Do you currently have any pimples? Not currently, no.
Did anything disturb your sleep at all last night? Ugh, yes. I couldn't sleep for shit.
How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? I have only seen one picture of Jason with the girl he dated after me and it. Set. Me. On. Fucking. Fire. It's pathetic.
If you’re not in college, why? All it did was give me emotional breakdowns.
What do you think about MTV? I am way too out of the loop on what goes on on any TV channel to answer this.
What was your very first day of your very first job like? What’d you do? How long did it take you to get the hang of it, and feel comfortable with working? This was waaaay too long ago... All I remember is actually being hopeful, though nervous. I never got to the point of feeling comfortable there. Or at any job.
If you have a dog, are they friendly to strangers or other dogs? We don't have a dog, but we do have a cat that is EXTREMELY skittish around strangers. Someone he doesn't know comes through the door? He's bolting to hide.
Do people ever comment on or joke about your driving? Well, I got flipped off once by a driver, so... I'd consider that a silent comment. I, to this day, don't know why they (it was a group of guys) did it, but it's stuck with me.
What was the last thing to move you? Are you easily moved or inspired? The ending of FFX alsdkfjkaljlkwjer. And yes.
If you`ve ever seen your very favorite band, did you cry when you saw them? Was it like a dream come true? If you`ve never seen them, do you think you would? I haven't, but I probably would a little bit.
Of all the reality competitions you’ve watched, who are some of your all-time favorite contestants and what shows were they from? From America's Got Talent, I adore(d) Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., as well as Prince Poppycock. I keep up with them both on Facebook.
Ever had a friend named Alex or John? One of my closest online friends was Alex. A couple years ago she just... got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the earth.
Are you happy with your relationship status? I mean... no, I'm ridiculously lonely, but being single is for the best right now.
What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Just ketchup and mustard.
Have you ever been in a spelling bee? No.
What is the most annoying thing that your parents do? Mom absolutely always assumes she's right. Dad repeats himself like CRAZY.
Would you say you’re someone who has good manners? Yes.
Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Actually, the doctors couldn't determine mine (or any of Mom's kids') because my legs were ALWAYS crossed when they did ultrasounds. Mom says she "knew" I was a girl, though.
Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? I'm addicted to caffeine, yes.
Who makes the best desserts in your entire family? Hm, I dunno.
Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I have very severe sleep apnea that results in very violent nightmares almost any time I sleep without my APAP mask. Even WITH the damn mask, I have them a lot.
When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? *shrug*
Do you have trouble reading small fonts? Yes. I used to find it aesthetically pleasing, but my vision is just too bad now, even with my (shitty) glasses.
Do you know anybody that believes that magic/witchery truly exists? I think so.
Do you find watching animals in their natural habitat to be exciting & fascinating? Absolutely!!
The last time you had sex: did you want it, or did the other person want it? ... You know it's supposed to be a mutual desire, right??
What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt."
Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Maybe? I'm unsure.
Did/do you believe them? Hell no. I don't believe in psychics and believe people who claim to be so are manipulative pieces of shit.
Is anything annoying you right now? I am bored to an inexplicable level askldjfla;wejlr.
Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah.
Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? No.
Have you ever felt abandoned? Well yes. By definition, my dad abandoned our family.
Where are you? I’m in my bed.
What’s been the worst part of this day? I've just been so, so bored. I'm sick and fucking tired of dealing with anhedonia.
Who last encouraged you to better yourself? My therapist.
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hey im the anon abt gyutaro/ume and i dont remember what happens to demons after they die ?? did i miss smth ? regardless i wanna ask what do you think their fate should be ? cause on one hand i think they're just victims of a cruel world who took the first way out they could find but on the other hand it doesnt rlly justify all the slaughter, and i also think abt the demon slayers who also suffered horrible fates and used it to fuel their determination to save other people from that pain
hi !! i don’t think kny ever explicitly mentions what happens to demons after they die (as in we never have concrete evidence of where they go or how their lives after are spent), but i think the general consensus is that the demons go to hell.
in some cases, the family can decide to go with them (ex: rui and i think akaza? if i remember correctly?) but their fate is pretty much sealed from that point forward i believe.
heres a pic of gyuutarou and ume, actually, in chapter 97 !!
but yeah !! thats something i think about a lot tbh. as you mentioned, many of the demons we’ve seen have either been groomed into demonhood (rui, ume, susamaru, etc.) or had their pain and suffering exploited (akaza, gyuutarou) for the sake of advancing other demons’ plans (muzan, douma, etc). so i agree ! a lot of these characters are unfortunate victims in themselves and its impossible to view their stories without incorporating the struggles they’ve had to face as both humans AND demons. especially considering that lots of these individuals experience muzan’s abuse regardless of their status relative to him (such as with the upper and lower moons). i think this is best explained through akaza’s relationship with muzan,
(ch. 67)
(ch.156)
and further explored though tanjiro’s observation of rui’s death. he notes that being a demon, for most, is an existence punctuated by extreme grief and despair, and that’s equally supported, i think, by the humanization of these demons following death. that their original conscious is restored (albeit with knowledge of everything they’ve done) and are oftentimes plagued by the guilt of what’s happened.
(ch.43)
what he says here is probably what sums it up for me. that while it’s important to condemn these demons and hold them accountable for the truly awful things they’ve done, it’s also important to consider the suffering they've experienced through existence alone. its so !! complex !! and thats what i love about kny. i love how .. you have some demons who are entirely despicable and bask in the carnage they create, but you also have some for whom demonhood was simply what appeared to be the only answer towards living a healthier life or righting the wrongs that’ve been done to them (usually with false promises and manipulation unbeknownst to them). and .. its so hard to figure out where to.. draw that line. or view these characters at least. because you sympathize with their pain, but you also realize that their actions have caused endless pain for many hundreds of people. tanjiro losing his entire family, giyuu losing his. shinobu watching her sister die before her very eyes, and kanao the same. the ubuyashiki family’s curse or the slaughter of himejima’s children. you look at characters like sanemi, shinobu, or giyuu and understand that you cannot invalidate their view of demons either. while kanae and tanjiro may find hope and humanity in demons, they exist as monsters who feast on pain to everyone else. its important not to discredit their perspective when making a personal choice to observe the demons’ hardships yknow. shinobu’s anger is just as warranted as tanjiro’s optimism and that neither are wrong for how they personally feel demons should be handled after death.
im like. AAAAAAAA theres so much to it , its really hard for me to condense into a few sentences AHAHA im so sry for making u read this if u still are. but . i guess i’m not too sure. i think maybe, had i experienced the same pain as those above, it would be easy for me to say the demons deserve to go to the worst hell imaginable regardless of what they’ve gone through because that history isn’t accessible to everyone like it has been the audience (or that they’ve seemingly made the conscious decision to cause harm w/o understanding the ways in which demonhood obscures their original conscious/morality). but at the same time, you have those like tanjiro whose world view is shaped by positive encounters with demons like nezuko, tamayo, yushirou, etc. where it seems very evident that . theres more to it than what meets the eye.
one of my friends ive talked to about this had a rly good perspective on it thats kinda stuck with me since !! she said she likes to view their conclusion as some . separation of identity?? if that makes sense?? that the demon side of them goes to hell while their human form goes to heaven (or division into whichever afterlife). and !! i think thats a really neat interpretation because there’s obvious descrepancy between demon personas and human personas. that the demon personas are like. exaggerations of their flaws, almost (akaza becoming hellbent on battle spirits and physical victories when hajuki’s fury & determination was fueled by love in a sense) while their human personas are the truest sense of self. and depending on which influence there is (muzan vs the appearance of loved ones), their identity changes accordingly. so ! idk ! thats one nice way of looking at it. holding their demon personas accountable while also recognizing that many of these characters deserve some form of healing after many hundreds of years of abuse. its hard because ofc i don’t want to negate the harms they’ve caused but its also? not cut and dry given the environment they were placed in and the fact that muzan’s blood essentially removes their humanity against their will you know. so in this way at least you have both forms of self receiving the proper conclusion.
whwhwhw so im. !!!!!!!!!!!! ah !! i can’t say i have a definite answer but i think the one above is smth thats comforting to me. i think the story settles with sending them to hell once they’ve regained their past self but also .. “softens” it by providing them company by their loved ones who are willing to go w them?? so thats rly cool to look at too. because it holds them accountable for all that’s happened but also.. recognizes that they’re not wholly responsible for it either and that .. even in hell they’re able to keep their connections and human emotions/experiences . its tragic yet oddly. fitting, i think, of the kny narrative. while i like the aforementioned interpretation, i also really.. appreciate the way its set up in canon too. like yeah i want the best for them but also. it fits in with the tragic nature of demonhood and what it meant for them all. oddly enough.
u make a good point too !! about demon slayers experiencing the same hardships but using their pain to help others. i think a lot of it is plainly chalked up to luck in terms of.. what they were exposed to following tragedy. how shinobu and kanae were saved by himejima, tanjiro saved by giyuu, kanao picked up by shinobu and kanae, sanemi given the guidance of kagaya while akaza was killed by muzan during his lowest moment, ume and gyuutarou were cornered by douma, rui misled by muzan, etc. i think circumstance is definitely a large factor in determining the paths that were taken. such as sanemi’s anger being validated and heard by ubuyashiki vs, say, akaza’s same anger being intentionally exploited for muzan’s gain.
aaa anyways. theres a lot 2 be said about this. like. SO much on my mind and obviously the extent of muzan’s abuse goes far deeper than what’s briefly mentioned here but. i love talking about the complexities of kny . and how i view the demons vs the corps and how each of them have grown into their respective stories . AA but ill end it here THNK U >> also so sry for making u read thru all of this i get so excited i could talk abt kny all day long if i had the chance AAA
#Anonymous#asktag#tldr: UH im a sympathetic bitch who wishes for some form of recovery for Some demons while also#finding it necessary to hold them accountable.#and easy way to do that is to split identities between human and demon persona but thats mighty convenient for such#a large issue so . the current narrative is probably the one i still oddly like#just bc the little peace they get before descent into hell is. really big#and their support by loved ones following them thru is also. really big#anyways. ya viri i thot of what u said bc its so good#its been a while so idk if its the exact version of how u view it but thts how it stuck w me JSBFSKBFSBJF#naywaysb I LOVE KNY AAAAAAAAAAAAA screams#kny#kny spoilers#kny manga#save for later
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I'm having an uncomfortable moment right now. I'm freaking out a little.
You know that queer/trans/nb/nd feel when you're a teen and you're looking at someone pretty like a celebrity and you're like wait a sec. Do I want to have them or want to be them? I'm experiencing this at 33 and I'm terrified.
I've had major body dysmorphia most of my life and some dysphoria since understanding what that is.
I was 30 when I came out as nonbinary. It took me ages to understand the whole gender thing. And I never actually found a gender label I liked - genderqueer, demi, androgyne, etc - so I just use "nonbinary" since it's an umbrella term that I fall under.
Lately, the gals in my fandom circle have been obsessing over one particular actor. And their comments have been working something weird on me that's been confusing me and I just chock it up to my self-loathing/mental illness, gender confusion, and aggressive bisexuality.
But they say things like "he's so handsome, look at those strong arms!" and "oh those shoulders!" and simply "neck!!" you know over pics and gifs of his shows and stuff.
And while I do go "oh yeah nice 👀" I also experience this confusing and overwhelming craving to have people view me that way. I want them to oooh over my strong arms and shoulders, admire my collarbones and neck, how my jeans sit at my hips.
Now, I have experienced this sensation multiple times before while having no goddamn clue what I was feeling.
I look at pretty girls and admire their beauty, their pretty bodies. But I don't crave to have those bodies. I always thought that I wanted curves and full breasts and whatnot, but I wonder if that was just my self-loathing + the general shitty standards of beauty women are held to. I hate the way my breasts look and often wish aloud to get a breast augmentation so they're full and round, not lamely sagging to my belly button. But just now, and this is the thing that triggered my potential revelation and making this post, I saw a bts photo of the actor on set of his new movie, wearing some kind of Hawaiian or bowling type shirt, unbuttoned halfway down his front, the girls commenting the usual thirst. And I remembered how many times I've tried or wanted to wear shirts and hoodies undone as far down as possible (my favorite is a hoodie with nothing underneath, zipped to the bottom of my sternum, I love it). And I felt this painful longing. An ache in my chest to be able to do that. And I know what a ridiculous thing to long for, wearing your shirt unbuttoned. I don't have an explanation for it. I'm just feeling this right now.
Daisy Ridley (Rey from Star Wars) is one of my favorite celebrities. I love her and think she's gorgeous and talented. But when I see like bts pics and videos, esp where she's training, I keep thinking about how I wish I had her strong, defined arms. My sister knows my fitness goal is to be "ripped like Daisy Ridley."
When people mistake me for a guy and use masculine pronouns, my heart flips over like my crush just blew me a kiss or something.
I felt easy and free, identifying as nonbinary. Friends of mine already thought I was.
And this could be a passing whim. I am extremely depressed rn and experiencing some physical illness too. Tomorrow I may wake up and hate the idea of masculinity.
But god right now I'm scared. I don't know how to be trans. I don't know what what I'm feeling even means. I don't fully know what I'm feeling.
But I'm feeling it very strongly. Like deeply, down in my bones and shit. Right now I want to look like a man. I want people to think I'm a man. I want to be wanted as a man.
I welcome any thoughts or comments or advice. I'm so lost right now. Scared, confused, ignorant as hayl.
Thanks for listening.
(please don't reblog unless you're a queer/trans blog and are replying to this post, thanks!)
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so uhh here’s the prologue! (tw for mostly implied torture)
i’ve got a bunch of notes and a few other chapters drafted so, hopefully, this will be going somewhere. full prologue is also available under the cut.
…also i’m sorry in advance about the chat. i think i was possessed by a gaggle of teenage boys
The stream would start at exactly 1 AM.
RIPME: i mean yea its been busy lately, but ill get trhough it
camaraJM: idk but he didn’t say anything to me
69cumslut69: you think he’s finally gonna off the fucking furry
KillerxQueen: What do you do
A message announcing the stream was posted nearly an entire day in advance. It was a rare sight, and it garnered appropriate attention.
iammeisheissheis: fuck off cass
RIPME: program
B1GDADDYS: GOD I hope so
fuckwatt: He’s a programer.
RIPME: yea
There were around a thousand of them, many of which tuned in a few hours early. He wasn’t exactly known for his punctuality, but it wasn’t his fault; people were hard to work with, after all. Most viewers were understanding. A lot of them kept the webpage open in another tab in case of any spontaneous shows.
woundfucker88: did I miss it?
RIPME: i work for a big company tho so i work a lot of over time
69cumslut69: corporate scum
camaraJM: same
But this one had been announced, and that usually meant something big was happening.
JohhnyDanger: I’m still thinking about that last one I’m not fucking ready for this week’s. he was special
RIPME: wound no you’re good
KillerxQueen: That’s pretty cool man, I used to program in highschool but Inever had the patience for it
69cumslut69: eat SHIT
RIPME: oh yea!
69cumslut69: i can say what i want
He made sure to come back from the bar early. It always took a bit to set up the tripod, and he wanted it to be special. No need to keep them waiting.
When the feed started, the masked man took up the entire shot.
“Hiya! Welcome back to the shop, everyone!” Even with his face covered, you could hear the grin in his voice.
KillerxQueen: Christ he’s actually on time
lieblingg: FUCK MY ASS DADDY
lieblingg: KIDNAP ME
woundfucker88: hello!
69cumslut69: wtf is this
lieblingg: 1628 THIRD STREET
His eyes were wide, bright and focused on something behind the camera. “Wow! What a turnout! Is everyone excited?”
RIPME: ffs i was getting a drink
lieblingg: MY LOCKS DONT WORK
He settles into a chair and angles the camera down with him, as if he’s the show for tonight. “Well, let’s get straight to it! I wanted to give you a little heads up. Things are gonna be a little… different for a while.”
asfkjfsah: TAKE OFF THE FUCKING MASK
“See, we’ve got a special request for someone’s special someone! Call it an early Valentine’s Day gift.”
69cumslut69: im fucking triggered
lieblingg: PLEASE
B1GDADDYS: It’s fuckking november
He chuckles. “Oh, you’re right! Then in the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to indulge them! Plus, they already put their money where their mouth is. Bahah!”
KillerxQueen: Anyone else getting shitty fps
fuckwatt: Since when does he take comissions?
woundfucker88: ooh! this sounds fun
asfkjfsah: YOURE FUCKING DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME? I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I ALREADY CONTACTED THE AUTHORITYS BUT IM COMING TO RIP YOUR FUCKING THROAT OUT MY GODDAM SELF
“So, stay tuned! I know it might be a little slower than you’re used to…”
RIPME: dae see that?
MAGGOTFLY: I’m fucking late
woundfucker88: what
“…but it’ll be worth it. Promise!”
camaraJM: something moved.Behind him
MAGGOTFLY: What did I miss?
asfkjfsah: YOU KILLED MY FUCKING BROTHER
camaraJM: watch hes gonna start selling feet pics xD
He sat there for a while, just reading chat as it flicked by. In the silence, something groaned quietly behind him.
KillerxQueen: BUFFERING
KillerxQueen: FUCK
JohhnyDanger: Wait. Is this it?
asfkjfsah: ANWSER ME YOU SPINELESS CUNT
He finally broke the silence with a full belly laugh. “Is this it? Of course not! I wouldn’t do that to you!” His eyebrows scrunched together as if hurt at the very thought. Then he stood. He pulled his chair out of the shot, revealing a pair of bound feet barely sticking into the frame.
“I picked something up for ya on the way home!”
69cumslut69: FEET
KillerxQueen: Thank GOD videos back
A low moan gave way to a shrill screech as they were dragged towards the camera, a mess of greasy locks and dripping tears.
69cumslut69: FEET FEET
camaraJM: TOLD YOU LMFAO
KillerxQueen: Did I miss anything
A hand yanked them up by the hair, forcing them to look into the camera lens, and they freeze. Tears are running down their cheeks, soaking through the gag in their mouth. Their eyes flit between the lens and something offscreen.
RIPME: OOH
woundfucker88: oh they’re cute!!
69cumslut69: WELCOME TO THE FUCKHOUSE LOSER
B1GDADDYS: JESUS CHrist another crybaby?
His hand ripped the gag out from their mouth, but their mouth hung open all the same.
“Awh… No need to be shy! Come on. Say hi!”
fuckwatt: No way this cunt lasts
JohhnyDanger: Get your popcorn ready.
He chuckles heartily. “Suit yourself. This night’s dedicated to you all! So! Any requests?”
When they finally opened their mouth, they started screaming and never stopped.
#btd#boyfriend to death#cant believe im posting this but HERE WE GO i decided nothing will ever be perfect#and what better way to get back into writing than to do something self indulgent?#ive rewritten this a few times but havent properly proofread it#thats a job for tomorrow#i'm so sorry
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