#i could swear i saw him in something before but imdb is no help

[teratomat]

Come, come. Do sit down. The tea is nicely steeped. It's perfect, in fact, if I say so myself.

#stargirl #stargirledit #cameron gellman #jonathan cake #rick tyler #richard swift #hourman #the shade #idk i thought it was funny #love the guy playing shade #i could swear i saw him in something before but imdb is no help #hate when that happens #anyway #stargirl spoilers

[heartslogos]

newfragile yellows [1107]

"I feel like we shouldn’t be here.” Ellana pauses to adjust the microphone clipped to the collar of her shirt, carefully moving it a little bit over so it doesn’t get covered by the thin athletic jacket she’d thrown over it. She waves her hand at a stylist who attempts to run through the set to help her or possibly stop her.

Ellana swears that the on set stylists have predator senses for whenever someone so much as fiddles with a zipper.

“Are you not Ellana Lavellan, multiple award winning actress, media darling, favorite of the entertainment industry?” Bull hooks his thumbs into the loops of his jeans. "And am I not really hot stuff?”

“I am. And you are. But this is a game show and we’ve never done game shows before.” Ellana turns to squint up at him. "Or is this another hidden side of you I’ve somehow never stumbled across? Your IMDB does not list you on any game shows. I’ve checked. For real this time. I even looked at your wiki page. Did you know our wiki pages don’t even have hot links to each other? I’m appalled.”

“You could edit it.”

“I’m not going to edit our wiki pages. I have some measure of dignity. For now at least. Give it a few weeks and we’ll see if I cave.” Ellana tugs at one of his sleeves, straightening out an imaginary wrinkle. “So. Have you ever been on game shows?”

“Some of the game tournaments I’ve been in have been broadcasted. Does that count as a game show? Variety show stuff? No. Never been. I’m wondering if I’ve been invited on because I’m your husband and that’s shot me to new heights of fame or if people are just really starting to get into chess.”

“You’re a former Olympic athlete and current record holder for more things than I can count. If anything I should be wondering if I’m only invited here because of you.” Ellana sighs. “But seriously. Why are we doing this? I feel like this is completely out of both of our wheelhouses and this will go very, very badly. For us, I mean. We are not the type of people you want running around unscripted.”

“Oh, you for sure. I think I can behave perfectly well on camera.” Bull grins down at her. “Besides, it’s a couples show. And we’re one of the most famous couples out there.”

“That still boggles my mind.” Ellana frowns quickly shaking her head and lightning slapping her cheeks with her palms. “Ugh. Is it silly that no matter how many times I get in front of a camera I still get nervous? I don’t even do talk shows. I mean. I do but only if I have other cast members from whatever I’m promoting with me. I just let them do the talking. Safer for everyone that way.”

“I’d hug you but I think the stylist would come over here and kill me.” Bull takes her hand and laces their fingers together instead. “Relax. It’s not so bad. Wanna talk to one of the other teams? I think I saw Lyna and Dalen walking around earlier. Their hair and make up is done, too.”

“That’s another thing. How did they get Dalen on this show? He definitely isn’t someone you want going around unscripted.” Ellana shudders, “Gods. I don’t know what Lyna sees in him. But whatever it is must be excellent.”

“Don’t gossip on set.”

“I’m not. I am. See? This is why this is a bad idea.” Ellana swings their hands back and forth.

“Do you want me to talk you out of it or into it?” Bull pauses, head tilting in consideration as his eye slowly sweeps around the set. “We could make a run for it.”

“No, we committed. But theoretically, if I did say we should run. How’d we do it?”

Bull laughs, grinning down at her, “Have I mentioned how much it fucking delights me that you’re into listening to me talk tactics and strategies? I don’t think there’s anyone else in the entire world who could look and act as interested as you when I start talking chess. Even other chess masters get overwhelmed.”

“I’m not just acting interested, I am interested. You’re a very good speaker. Maybe you should pursue a career in acting next. We can switch. You do the acting and I’ll take a swing at modeling or commentating or whatever of the million things you somehow manage to do in a day.”

“You’d be an excellent model. And I would shell out so much money to get you to commentate on some of the games I’ve had to observe. You’d be an instant hit. We should get you a vlog.”

“My PR manager would kill me. Again. More unscripted things. I’m surprised she even gave this one a pass. My agency must’ve really done some fast talking to get this one to slide.”

“Pavus has to be good for something.”

Ellana swats his arm. “Hey! Be nice! That’s my best man you’re talking about.”

“That was me being nice. You know perfectly well what I’m like when I’m not. Come on, I think we’re starting now. Do you know who the third couple is going to be? I could’ve sworn they said it was going to be — “

“It’s Zevran,” Ellana says flatly, expression souring. “It was supposed to be Garrett and Isabella but Garrett’s mom’s health took a turn so he pulled out. I’m beginning to remember why I agreed to this. If it was Garrett he could talk me into anything. He talked me into going out with you after all.”

“Please. As if I was that hard of a sell.”

“I don’t ask people out on dates. Anyway, it was supposed to be Garrett. But then things came up and now it’s Zevran.”

“At least pretend like you can tolerate him. You’re an actress, aren’t you?”

Ellana scowls. “Zevran is perfectly fine at a distance. But he enjoys riling me up, I know it. I feel it. He’s admitted it. I know he has. He does it on purpose and I shouldn’t be held accountable.”

“Ellana, the worst he’s ever done to you is beat you out on rankings.”

“It’s like you and Dorian, Bull. Don’t try and reason with me on this.” She pauses. “This is a game show. We’re going to beat him. Bull, I didn’t really care before and I was mostly just hoping not to make a fool of myself but I’ve set a goal. I want to beat Zevran. We don’t have to win the entire series. We just have to beat Zevran.”

#heartsfic #gather your party and venture forth

[carriepaws]

or read it here.

TodoDeku AU #001

Strangers meeting inside a movie theater.

Izuku was confused at what he just did. Before he could even change his mind, the lady had already handed him his movie ticket and there was no way he could back down now. He unknowingly stared at the title printed in bold —I love you, you’re just too dumb to realize but my feelings won't ever change— and even though he wasn’t too dumb to realize that it was without a doubt the longest and cheesiest movie title he had ever seen, he felt stupid for trusting Tsuyu and Ochako’s words that the movie was the bomb of the year. He really wasn’t into romance flicks but he guessed it wouldn’t hurt to try.

Also, who knew? Maybe they were right and he was simply judging the movie by its title. Perhaps it was safe to at least give this movie a chance. After all, he needed to get his mind off things like his huge fight with Kacchan, and this was a great distraction. Hopefully. He was supposed to invite his best friend to go see this movie together but Kacchan got mad at him for reasons he didn’t even know. But really, what a very typical Kacchan thing to do. Kacchan was Kacchan and even though he had flaws, he was a great friend and Izuku loved him for all that he was. So after the movie, he decided to look for something he could give to him as a token of apology.

Back to our bomb movie of the year. For something that was, ahem, worth seeing, he was quite surprised to see that the theater was-

“Empty,” Izuku managed to say just above a whisper.

But since it was too silent, he could hear his voice loud and clear, and suddenly he felt a chill ran down his whole body. It wasn’t like he was going to watch a horror movie, why was he being panicky? Who cared if it was just him inside the huge, dark movie theater for two hours?

“Damn. I do care. I know this is the first time I’m doing this thing alone but… Now I’m… Tss. To think I’d literally be alone,” he sighed as he walked down the aisle and chose to sit in the fourth row, right in the middle.

“Okay. Let’s hope this one’s good.”

The opening credits rolled in and several minutes have passed and-

He hated the movie.

He wasn’t going to blame his friends because they probably have different taste in cinema but…

He hated the movie.

30 minutes and nothing exciting was happening. It was the right theater, wasn’t it? The movie wasn’t even cheesy. It was just dull and bland and anti-climactic. He didn’t mind slow-paced stories but this took the cake. It was… How should he put it. It was one of the worst decisions he had ever made. He should learn to watch trailers before diving right into any unheard titles but where’s the fun in that? were his friends’ exact words.

What was fun?

Where was it?

It was anything but this.

Izuku could feel his lids getting heavier and heavier until he thought he heard something but he was too far gone to even care. And just like that, wasted money be damned but he couldn’t take it anymore, the back of his head hit the back seat and then everything went black.

He was startled awake by something cold touching his left cheek and a deep yet soft voice talking to him.

“Hey…”

“Hmmm…”

“Movie’s over.”

“Mmm, thank fuck it is,” he grunted, eyes still closed.

Okay, now. Izuku didn’t usually swear but he was blaming his dazed state of mind. Or the movie. Of course, the movie was definitely the one to blame here. He could hear a low, delicious chuckle and a soft vibration on his right cheek.

Wait- Did he just think delicious?

Also wait, soft vibration?

Izuku’s eyes fluttered open to see the movie screen had already faded to black and that he was possibly lying on the shoulder of a stranger. He reluctantly twisted his head up to see who was kind enough not to wake him in his dreamless sleep. Lo and behold, he found himself staring at the most beautiful heterochromatic eyes he had ever laid his eyes on.

“A cat?” He muttered absentmindedly.

The kind stranger snorted, obviously trying not to laugh at what he just blurted out.

“I’m not a cat. You better wake up now, sleeping beauty. The attendant will be here any minute now and they’ll kick us out,” Mr. Stranger said with his gentle, velvety voice. His hand softly caressing his cheek.

It took him a good few seconds before everything sunk in and that he wasn’t dreaming about talking to a gorgeous cat with heterochromatic eyes. He swiftly removed his head from the stranger’s shoulder as he felt his face getting hot and flushed red.

“I’m sorry! I-I was… I d-didn’t mean to… I’m, I’m really sorry!”

Izuku was using his most apologetic face and voice while bowing repeatedly in front of the man. Damn, he was so embarrassed he felt like if the ground ate him right at the moment, he wouldn’t be shocked and sorry for himself but thankful as eff instead.

“That’s okay. I don’t mind. I was bored in the middle of the movie as well. I was two rows behind you and I noticed your head fell hard against the armrest. I felt the need to at least check if you were okay. Thankfully, you didn’t hurt yourself or scratched your head. I kinda helped you to a more proper sitting position and I was about to go back to my seat but you suddenly grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. Man, you have a vice grip for a kid.”

“Now I feel more sorry for- Wait a second there. A kid? You said I was a kid?! I’m not a kid! I’m already a university student and I get good grades, thank you very much,” he argued with his arms crossed.

Mr. Stranger was kind, yes but was he being savage in a subtle way?

He was sure he wasn’t acting like an adult, if that’s what he wanted to prove, seeing that he was pouting like a butt-hurt kid but he had every right to be a bit mad, right? Even a stranger had the nerve to make fun of him. Poor Izuku. But then he saw the soft smile on his face. He was clearly not making fun of him to annoy him. He was probably trying to make light of the situation and erase the awkwardness.

“Thank you. And… I’m sorry for shouting at you and for being a bother. But yeah, thank you for… what you did. You could have just ignored me but you didn’t,” Izuku relaxed and gave him an abashed smile.

“You’re welcome and I don’t blame you for falling asleep. The movie sucks.”

“Ha! Damn right, it does. I should have watched All Might 2 again instead of wasting some cash over some trash.”

“All Might’s cool. I’d rather re-watch that, too. I just watched this because a friend gave me a free ticket.”

Izuku moved to a more comfortable position. The man was maybe the same his age but taller. Tch. He still didn’t have the right to make fun of his height, okay? But since he’s gorgeous and that Izuku wasn’t even going to question why his hair was split into half-white and half-red because holy shit, it fitted him perfectly. And he's also an All Might fan!

He's almost perfect.

“You’re staring.”

Even his lips were luscious and that scar just made him cool and manly and-

He was caught.

Shit.

Quick! Make an excuse.

“AH! I was thinking that maybe I should... repay you? Uh…”

“You don’t have to.”

“I really want to,” Izuku answered firmly.

“If you insist we could-”

“Watch All Might 2 together?”

“I was thinking coffee since it’s pretty late but we can do both. How about coffee tonight and All Might 2 this Saturday?”

Izuku couldn’t help but grin and nod his head.

“But before that, I really wanted to know your name ‘cause I don’t wanna keep calling you Mr. Stranger, you know.”

“Sounds fair. Todoroki Shouto, at your service, sleeping beauty,” he teasingly said as he stood up, bowed and offered Izuku his hand.

Izuku was about to get mad at him again but then he noticed the cinema attendant. He was definitely going to ask them to leave so he was left without a choice.

“I’m not sleeping beauty. My name’s Midoriya Izuku,” Izuku sighed but took his hand and couldn't help but smile regardless.

Todoroki-kun’s hand felt cold. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the low temperature of the almost vacant movie theater but despite that, he also felt warmth slowly spreading all over him. And he thought, it felt really nice.

The following day, Izuku didn’t forget to thank his good friends for being the sole reasons for a chance meeting he never thought would ever happen.

“Hey guys! By the way, I hated the movie but thank you!” Those were Izuku’s words as he greeted them inside the half-empty classroom. He sat with them and brought out his phone.

“Thought so,” Tsuyu muttered while Ochako giggled. And then…

“Wait, what?! You watched that movie?! Noooooo,” Ochako was so shocked that she abruptly stood up and almost knocked her desk.

“And look at that, you’re still thanking us. You are way too kind Midoriya-chan,” Tsuyu proudly said as she tried to pull Ochako to sit again.

“Oh my gosh, Deku. We were just messing around.”

“We didn’t think you’d take us seriously.”

“Yeah... I mean, that movie has a 4.5/10 rating on IMDb. AND THE TITLE. The title's a dead giveaway.”

“Whoa, that bad, huh? Kero.”

“Come on guys, it wasn’t bad. It was really, really, REALLY bad,” Izuku said with mirth in his voice as he typed something on his phone.

How could they believe him when he had that huge smile plastered on his face? What the hell happened yesterday?

“I don’t understand, Tsuyu. Did the movie break him or something?”

“That might be the case. Look at him, he’s too… pleased?”

“If I were him, I would be somehow pissed and not pleased. He’s too precious. Or, something really did happen.”

“Oh by the way, do you wanna watch All Might 2 this coming weekend?” Izuku asked them, eyes still glued to his phone, and fingers still busy typing away.

“We already watched it, Deku. Actually, we watched it all together. How are you doing, my friend? Are you even Deku?” Ochako and Tsuyu exchanged laughs all the while being completely baffled by their friend’s behavior.

“I’m going to watch it again with Todoroki-kun. If you guys wanna join us, then just send me a message.”

He wasn’t even listening to them anymore.

“Also, I’m kinda hungry so I’ll just grab some breakfast in the cafeteria. See you!”

And with that, Izuku put his phone in his pocket as he waved goodbye, leaving his completely bemused friends behind with that silly smile still gracing his face.

“Who the heck’s Todoroki-kun and what did he do to our friend?”

“He is the something really did happen, Ochako-chan.”

#tododeku #carrie learns to write #one shot #tododeku fanfic #todoroki shouto #midoriya izuku #uraraka ochako #asui tsuyu #tododeku one shot #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #alternate universe #fan fiction #tododeku strangers au #my fingers were bored i'm sorry?

[miraculousstorytelling]

The Sweeter Side of Life Chapter 1: My New Roommate

Hello @perditaalottachocolate-blog​! Here is your gift for @mlsecretsanta​! I had a lot of fun with this, and it actually turned out to be long enough that I’ve broken it up into chapters. Here is chapter one! I hope you enjoy!

The plot is very, very loosely based on a synopsis for a lifetime movie called The Sweeter Side of Life. (By this, I mean I looked at the description on imdb and made my own au based off of it, and it barely resembles the synposis anymore, but I liked the title.)

Marinette never expected to end up back here again.

Nostalgia fell over her in waves as she stared at the familiar gold script across the windows of her parents' bakery. She could remember walking home from school with Alya, gossiping about Adrien's latest photo shoot or complaining about history class. The comforting smell of freshly baked bread lingered at the edges of her memory, reminding her that she was only steps away from finally being home.

She peeked into her bag to catch one more glimpse of Tikki before going inside. "We're here!"

Tikki was already grinning up at her. "I know! I can smell it!"

Marinette chuckled. "Me, too. It's good to be back."

She took a deep breath and stepped inside. The cheery ring of the bell over the doorway brought back more memories. Running home after school to finish an assignment or quick visits to grab a pastry between classes while she was at university.

"Hello, and-" Her mother paused mid-greeting, eyes wide when she saw just who was walking inside. "Marinette?"

"Hey, Mom." Marinette waved, clutching onto her suitcase a bit tighter now that Sabine was staring at her. "Surprise?"

Sabine beamed and came around the counter. "It certainly is!" She paused and rushed to the back to call out, "Tom! Marinette's here!"

Her father shouted from the back, "She is? Did I forget she was coming?"

"No, Papa! I didn't tell you!" Marinette answered, smiling at the familiarity of shouting back and forth while her father worked in the back.

"So, it was supposed to be a surprise!" He laughed and wiped some of the flour off his hands. "Wonderful! We're always glad to have you home."

Marinette finally dropped her bags and stepped forward to hug her parents. "Thank you." She felt safe here, as if the past year somehow hadn’t happened at all.

"How long are you staying?" he asked. "I thought you had work."

She bit her lip. "Well, umm..." The tension in her shoulders returned all at once when she leaned back to look at them. "The thing is... This isn't exactly a visit. I quit, and I was actually wondering if I could move back in."

"Oh!" Sabine glanced at her husband. "That... Well, of course!"

Tom rubbed the back of his neck, which was an immediate red flag for Marinette. "We'd love that, honey." He only did that when he was keeping something from her.

Marinette frowned, her nerves replaced with suspicion. "But...?"

"But-"

Footsteps and a soft yawn interrupted Sabine before she could answer. "Morning."

Marinette peeked over Tom's shoulder and let out a sound that could only be described as a panicked squeak.

Adrien Agreste was walking downstairs and into her parents' bakery with annoyingly perfect bed hair and an apron with his name pinned on it.

"Is..." Marinette cleared her throat, reminding herself that she was absolutely not fifteen anymore, and Adrien was no longer her crush. "Why is Adrien here?"

Adrien stepped around her parents, eyes wide when he saw her. "Marinette?"

"Did he come from the apartment?" Marinette asked, struggling to process exactly what she was seeing.

"The thing is-" Tom began.

"Is he living with you?" she asked again before anyone could answer.

"Well, he's working for us, and he needed a place to stay," Sabine answered, looking a bit uncomfortable.

“He’s...what?”

“And since you weren’t here,” Sabine continued, “We assumed you wouldn’t mind.”

If it had been literally anyone else, she wouldn’t. Her parents could have invited Hawkmoth himself to stay in her room and somehow it still would have been less awkward than Adrien freaking Agreste sleeping in her bed and decorating walls that were once covered in his posters and sitting out on the balcony where she and Alya had talked about him for hours.

This absolutely could not be happening.

Her parents shared a look, and Adrien frowned. "Is...something wrong?"

"No," Marinette answered a bit too quickly and a bit too high-pitched to be believable. "Nothing's wrong. I was just..."

Then, he saw her luggage, laying across the floor by her feet, and he paused. "Oh, you're moving back in."

And then she saw it. The worst possible thing she could have seen. She saw the way his expression shut down and his eyes dimmed. It was the same expression she’d seen him wear around his father, and it was the same look Adrien always had when he wanted something he knew he couldn’t have.

She’d learned to hate Gabriel Agreste for teaching him that look, and now that she had a chance to stop it in its tracks, she knew she had to think fast.

“I am, but...” she began, not quite sure where she was going, but at this point, anything that would bring the light back to his eyes would work, "We, um, we could just share a room.” She could almost hear Tikki gasp from her bag. Honestly, she couldn’t blame her, since even Marinette hadn’t expected to hear those words leave her lips. “I mean, it's big enough, and we have the guest bed in there now."

Her mother's jaw dropped, and her father looked like he was caught between shock and laughter.

"Share...a room?" Adrien echoed, staring at her with those perfect green eyes.

"Y-yeah! Why not?" At least he was looking normal again, even if she sounded completely absurd right now.

He traded looks with her parents, as though checking to see if they were okay with it, then he shrugged and chuckled. "Okay. Sure, why not?"

Marinette could list a dozen reasons off the top of her head, but by now it was too late to share them, so instead, she scooped up her luggage and smiled. "I'll go...drop my stuff off and get changed so I can help out."

"No, no!" Sabine took one of her bags. "You've traveled all this way. You should get some rest. Adrien can help us, and you can join tomorrow."

Marinette raised a brow. "Are you sure?" She couldn't remember a time when her mother let her miss out on helping with the morning baking.

"Positive," Adrien said, already heading into the back to help her father. "Get some sleep!"

The funny thing was, she could almost swear it sounded like a pun, like he might have meant to say pawsitive instead, but maybe that was because she was itching to meet up with her partner tonight, and she was so accustomed to his particular brand of humor.

When they reached her old room, Sabine paused and looked over at her. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

Marinette nodded. "I don't want to make him go, and honestly, I'll be looking for a place of my own anyway, so this isn't permanent."

"I see." Sabine set her bag down. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Marinette was quiet for a long moment, then she sighed and dropped down onto the guest bed underneath the loft where she assumed Adrien was sleeping. "Not yet."

"Okay." Sabine smiled. "You know, I heard Alya's back in town. Maybe you could try calling her."

"Maybe..." Marinette answered, guilt over their last conversation gnawing away at her all over again.

“Well, think about it.” Her mother sat beside her and brushed a strand of hair off Marinette’s cheek. "We can talk when you're ready, okay?"

Marinette reached out to squeeze her mother's hand, almost too relieved for words. "Thanks, Mom."

"Get some rest." And with that, Marinette was alone again.

Well, almost.

Tikki flew out of her bag and looked up at her. "Marinette?"

"I know, Tikki." Marinette knew exactly how bad of an idea this was. She knew Tikki had every right to be concerned and question her judgment.

"Are you sure about this?" Tikki asked.

"Not at all." Marinette rolled over and closed her eyes, hoping that somehow she'd wake up in a universe where she still had a shred of luck.

 Instead, she woke up to Adrien Agreste bringing her lunch in bed. In theory, a sight like that should be the high point of her life. When else would a literal super model, retired or not, ever bring her any kind of meal in bed? In reality, however, she could feel the weight of all her terrible choices crashing down on her at once, and frankly that was not a pleasant way to wake up.

"Hey, Marinette. Your mom asked me to bring this up to you." He set the tray down beside her. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Ummm..." She sat up and rubbed her eyes, already regretting her decision not to take five minutes to remove her makeup before falling asleep. "Yeah, a little."

"That's good." He chuckled when he noticed her eyes. "Need some makeup remover?"

"Do you have any?" she asked, briefly forgetting that of course he would.

To his credit, he didn't make fun of her for asking. He just walked over to the closet and retrieved some wipes. "Here."

"Thank you." She took the container from him and gently cleaned her face. "You're amazing."

He chuckled. "Thanks." He watched her for a moment before clearing his throat. "You know, I'm meeting Nino and Alya after work. Maybe, I mean if you want, you could join us."

Marinette froze, the wipe halfway across her cheek. "Uhh..." She slipped out of bed. "You know, I'm not sure if that's a good idea." Honestly, she wasn't sure if she was ready to face Alya yet.

"Are you sure?" He frowned and finally sat on the edge of the bed. "If you're worried about Alya-"

"I'm not," she lied.

"I think she'd be happy to see you, too," he continued, soft and sincere, and honestly this was not fair. How could she possibly say no to him?

"I..." I disagree, she could say. Alya was, after all, the queen of holding grudges. "Um..." I don't want to ruin your afternoon, she could explain. After their last conversation, she’d be lucky if Alya even looked at her again. “Well...” Anything would work. Any excuse. She could say she was tired, not feeling up to it, or she just needed some time to adjust. "Okay," she murmured instead, because those gorgeous green eyes still had a hold over her, no matter how long it had been.

"Great!" He brightened up. "I'll tell them you're coming, too. We're meeting in a few hours." He glanced at the clock and stood back up. "I need to get back to work, but I'll see you later?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Later.”

Then, Adrien left her... no, their room, and Marinette grabbed a pillow to stifle a scream.

#mlsecretsanta 2k17 #my writing #lovesquare #marinette makes bad choices #this is really fluffy and I love it a lot #and I already have most of chapter two written so look out for that

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 2 Recap: The Three Ds

Is it just me or does it always seems like The Bachelorette gets a shitty draw of contestants? Each year there are at most 3 guys I would take home to meet my parents, maybe one worth actually marrying, and the rest are all that terrible guy you see on TV and hope you never meet in real life. They only care about themselves and what makes them look good or what will get them the most screen time. This season, with its new colors and Blachelorette, is no different. At most we’ve added an extra amount of swagger, but with that swagger comes an added level of douchebaggery that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. 

D is for Doggo

This episode highlighted 3 of the worst people we’ve met since Chad, and one precious angel who is too pure to be around any of this mess. That’s right, I’m talking about Copper. That precious baby with the broken toe who stole Bachelor Nation’s heart. Not only did he get his own limo entrance, but he also went on the first and best 1-on-1 date of the season, accompanying Rachel and Peter to a DOG PARTY. I can’t say I paid much attention to Rachel and Peter, as I was focused solely on Copper and all the ways I could pet him and be his best friend.

The only thing I took away from the 1-on-1 date was that Peter and Rachel bonded over the gap in their teeth, and that Rachel doesn’t seem to mind that Peter is dead in the eyes. Something’s off about him, but it looks like he’ll stick around for awhile so I’ll come back to him when the meat isn’t as fresh.

D is for Douchebags

The first group date of the season is very on-brand for the Bachelorette: a low key picnic with ... an obstacle course and celebrity sighting. The picnic is set up in what I assume to be a vacant lot three spaces down from the Bachelor mansion, where everyone takes turns grilling and playing touch football. Right off the bat it’s hard not to focus on the douche of the century, Whaboom. Everything he does is for attention. He pushes other guys around so he can be the “first” to say hi to Rachel, he obnoxiously dances around the football, shouts constantly, and even picks Rachel up at one point and spins her around like a Disney Princess. It’s not hard to see that Lucas is, in the words of Blake: garbage. The other guys question his personality traits and whether he’s here for the right reasons simply because he is TERRIBLE.  He’s not even trying to fight with anyone, he’s just being himself, which is absolute garbage. Fun fact: My friend was in the same frat as Whaboom at Berkley and said that he is, hands down, the absolute worst person he has ever met in his life—next to his twin brother.  That’s right, there are two of these assholes. 

He also told me that Lucas was constantly trying to be the center of attention and was always making loud obnoxious jokes or trying to steal the stage but NO ONE thought he was funny. Some quick sleuthing on the interwebs brought me to his IMDB page, which honestly says it all. I mean, a 2012 Spanish dating show? God what a fucking loser. But his “rival” Blake is no better, and we need to unpack both of these shitty bags of garbage to really get down to their trash core. In a voice-over, Blake mentions that he knows Whaboom and is the only person that can “ruin this” for him. Well first of all, Whaboom doesn’t need anyone’s help ruining anything. Second, Blake knows the true garbage nature of Whaboom because they were both on a trashy reality TV dating show hosted by Carmen Electra. Yep, that’s right. Garbage, meet Garbage. Oh, you already met on the Ex-Isle? Perfect. Let’s skip the pleasantries, and the entire obstacle course while we’re at it. That way we can also skip over Blake whining the entire time that Lucas is cheating and not following directions, and Lucas winning then attempting to get Ashton Kutcher to yell “whaboom.” To literally everyone’s relief, Ashton politely passes on the offer, as he should have with My Boss’s Daughter / Just Married / Killers / basically all movies he’s ever done.

No really, name a good Ashton Kutcher movie. You can’t, because there are none. Anyway, since Whaboom won the competition he got the first 1-on-1 time with Rachel. Blake takes this opportunity to let everyone know that, to the extent they hadn’t figured it out yet, Whaboom is a douchebag. Blake, it is the first fucking week. Chill the fuck out man. When Lucas gets back to the perfectly stirred pot, he’s confronted with the question of our generation: how do you identify yourself? The correct answer, of course, was garbage, but we would have also accepted trash. Speaking of trash, Blake continues his crusade against Whaboom by informing Rachel that, to the extent she is both blind and deaf, Lucas is just a clown here for TV exposure. Like any guy NOT trying to get TV exposure, Blake then goes and tells Lucas that he just spent his time with Rachel letting her know that Whaboom is wearing makeup and is here for the wrong reasons. 

At this point it’s pretty clear that Blake is also here for the wrong reasons and obsessed with Lucas, who may or may not be totally wasted. It’s hard to tell, because he’s just that terrible. In the end, Whaboom walks away the winner of this confrontation after he tells Blake he’s going to do “him” and that Blake is “dismissed.” Point, Garbage. I can’t really tell you what else happened on this date due to the overpowering stench of Garbage, but everyone else was so boring that the 20-year-old Ricky Fowler look alike, Dean, got the group date rose. Good for you, Dean.

D is for Drama

The second group date the guys get a considerably better draw with a game of pick up basketball monitored by Kareem Abdul Jabar. DeMario is the focus of this date, which I wanted to attribute to his charisma fuckboi charm and casual ability to dunk a basketball. But something doesn’t feel right about this spotlight and even though deep down I know why, I think and hope that maybe, just maybe, it’s not him. It’s like when you’re watching a Law & Order SVU episode and it’s definitely the dad, but it feels way too obvious to actually be the dad, so instead you convince yourself its the neighbor but like, it was always the dad.  It was always DeMario. Always. You don’t get this kind of attention in a group date when there are previews of a scorned lover confronting her man unless it’s your scorned lover. Enter Lexi, the girl who DeMario was allegedly fucking days before he went on ATFR and met Rachel. Before she even opened her mouth I could tell from her eyebrows that this girl was trash and was ready to shamelessly take down the Big D. The build up to this drama is great. After being summoned by Rachel, DeMario is convinced he’s getting the rose and walks gleefully back into the gym talking about what he learned playing the game until he saw cash me ousside girl waiting for him.

DeMario’s face quickly goes from happy to freaked out to “confused.” He immediately launches into fuckboi defensive mode and makes a series of moves that only digs him deeper into the pit of despair.

Move 1: Pretend like you have no idea who this girl is and that you’ve never seen her before. Obviously this is NOT the right way to go, but you have to give him partial credit if only because I would also deny knowing (let alone fucking) someone that trashy. This obviously doesn’t work as she’s tracked him down, so it’s on to the next move.

Move 2: This girl is fucking crazy, and we met “many many times ago.” Um, what? Thankfully Rachel is smarter than to buy into the “she’s crazy” excuse that’s constantly applied to women by the patriarchy. Instead, she asks for clarification on what “many times ago” means, and at this point the Big D starts to sweat.

Move 3: Claim that this is personal stuff that we should handle off-camera. This was an obvious misstep that sent Lexi into a rage about unanswered text messages and fucking her 2 days before he went on ATFR. Rachel keeps it classy, however, pointing out that this is also her personal life so DeMario really needs to explain himself.

Move 4: Admit he dated her, but claim that he broke up with her because she was “too much” to handle, circling back to the old “she’s crazy” thesis. DeMario tries to suggest that he broke up with Lexi face to face, but then Lexi starts shouting about how he still has her keys... 

Move 5: Keys? What keys? I don’t  have your keys..... Oh, wait. I actually mailed them back to you. As if this mother fucker has ever been to the post office. At this point DeMario has to know that he’s totally fucked and should probably just leave before he says anything else. But he doesn’t. Instead, he continues trying to downplay what Lexi is saying until finally Rachel tells him he’s not making any sense and she just wants to know when was the last time he saw Lexi.

Check: Lexi stops swearing on her kittens’ lives long enough to offer up the receipts to prove not just her side of the story, but the exact date and time when Demario was last in and out of her...apartment. Before Rachel accepts any documents into evidence, she gives DeMario one last chance to say literally anything that isn’t a lie and asks if the dates on Lexi’s phone will match his story or hers....

Move 6: It depends on the dates...

Checkmate: Finally at the end of her rope, Rachel takes Lexi’s phone (which I imagine smells like cigarettes) and reads the standard fuckboi texts we all knew DeMario sent. Rachel calmly informs DeMario that she is not here to be played or to be made a joke of, so he can get the fuck out.

In the aftermath of the DeMario drama everyone starts whispering about how DeMario was obviously not there for the right reasons when, in reality, they are all there for the same reason: fame. DeMario was just sloppier about it. The remaining guys on the date all use this as an opportunity to let Rachel know they’re there “for her” and will “protect her” from this kind of behavior. Josiah flexes his protection muscles the most with his... creepy side eye stare and ends up getting the group date rose. We don’t get too far into the cocktail party before the ghost of DeMario comes knocking at the gates of The Bachelor mansion to prove once and for all that D is for determination dumbass.

Did you notice . . .

Ashton knew when he “first saw” Mila that they would get married ... after he married Demi Moore and played dad for a few years, of course.

“This is not a show. When I want to turn it on, I turn it off. When I want to turn it off, I turn it off.” - ummm that’s a show, Lucas.

Curious that Lucas and Blake hate each other so much yet look like pals in this picture from 2016....(also, the hastags...)

“I check my mailbox every day.” - Lexi, lol.

OF COURSE her name is Lexi with an I.

I could do without Alex’s singing, especially as it’s likely a trigger for the Russian Manchurian Candidate, Jared Kushner.

Minority Report: The most embarrassing part of the whole DeMario saga is that before the Bachelorette he was dating white trash like Lexi.

#the bachelorette #bachelorette abc #rachel lindsay #chris harrison #bachelor recap #the final rose #fantasysuiteleague #bachelor nation

[redantsunderneath]

Does anybody remember the Twin Peaks Holiday Special

I wanted to know if anyone remembers the Twin Peaks Holiday Special with the little man from another place, because it was common knowledge on the newsgroup and boards in the early 90s, but no one seems to recall it when I mention it now.  I had a VHS dupe of this show, with a badly printed jacket, that I had obtained at DragonCon 93' or so (I met Al Simmons, the real life namesake of Spawn and Jim Lee if that helps).  While I was cleaning house, I had accidentally given it with the rest of my VHS tapes to a courier named Roland who worked for us (who was later fired for popping positive for THC and I didn't know his last name, so I couldn't get it back). It was so bad so I wasn't really upset.  I just finished talking to my friend Gaines who I watched this with a bunch of times to just laugh and drink beer, so he managed to corroborate my memories and remind me of some other stuff.  Note that all of this is just his and my memory and may be off, and the stuff about the actors and background info is pure hearsay from whatever groups and boards I was on in that era.  Here is what I remember, if you guys can fill in the details or correct inaccuracies that would be fantastic.

ABC decided to exercise a clause in the Twin Peaks contract calling for their ability to produce up to 3 Twin Peaks related specials.  In the rush of awards show wins and high profile media exposure, they decided to greenlight a Holiday Special in hopes that they could capitalize on the buzz and the small town spirit of the show to maybe wind up with a perennial favorite.  It was to be shot on hiatus, but Lynch and Frost were not interested in working on it.  The execs focused on getting a cast to lure another writer and director associated with the show.

The cast were mostly uninterested in the blind pitch, except for Kimmie Robertson, who thought it would be fun as long as she could “do hair” and Joshua Harris who had just been cast to play Nicky Needleman in the next season and happened to be around when they were looking.  They felt they needed a bigger name to anchor the project and were surprised that Kyle MacLachlan said yes as long as he had final creative approval and a guarantee that the show would air.  MacLachlan had a well known issue with excessive use of human pineal gland extract around this time and the executives simply thought he needed the money (the fad for “organic” drugs was in full swing and HPGE was the priciest drug on the market at that time – Kyle was said to have an 80 donor equivalents per week habit, the highest ever recorded).

They were able to get one of the incoming writing staff (not sure which one) to agree to write it but it was apparently a “Stan Lee” job where the instruction to the story editor (a pre TNG Ronald Moore) was “that dwarf guy goes home for some reason.”  Moore, fresh off of a committed method writing exercise of 6 months living full emersion as a Klingon, decided on a “Pon Farr” scenario of the Little Man returning to his home planet to mate.  Gains remembers that Alan Smithee, who IMDB tells me has had quite a career, was named as director and they were ready to go.  

MacLachlan got heavily involved in the writing.  He and Lara Flynn Boyle had been living in a small shanty in the Salton Sea, and communications with them had become erratic.  Kyle said he had a “vision” as to how this might change the world, and fought Moore the entire time.  When the executives saw some of the pages and, realizing they could not cancel, gave the minimal budget contractually allowed and planned to bury the project.  Instead of at Christmas, it aired at 3 AM, Tuesday October 16th, 1991 with no promotion under a title that did not contain Twin Peaks (I thought it was something like “Trial of Bark,” but Gains swears it was “Our Emancipation.”).  No one saw this thing, but somehow I had that tape in all its cable acess-level production glory.

The story was basically a Christmas Carol.  There are no opening credits and the special starts with LMAP in the red room, when a large head (poorly superimposed with a blurring effect, weird computer imposed black hole for a mouth) tells him he must come back to “the planet Garmanbozia” (Lynch hated everything about this special and disavows it except for this name which he liked and kept for the movie) for the Tantaculus festival (MacLachlan’s suggestion, named after the “world system” he and Boyle were devising in the California desert) in order to mate.  The little man with resignation walks into the mouth and emerges in his house.  This is the only special effects and the only appearance of any of the normal settings of the actual show (all the summoned guests simply “walk on” from the side).  

There are birds on the soundtrack constantly and no music outside of musical numbers.  The house is like a modern Flintstones house (fake chrome everywhere, rust colored Formica table [no idea if this was an idea germ too], but uneven plaster painted ochre.  He sees his wife Brigite (Priscilla Barnes, who acts in a 3 foot cutout in the stage, and just disappears when she is not in a scene – you never see her leave or come back).  She is excited to mate, but he is clearly not and she disappears in a huff.  He says hi to his kids (Bob and Mike, no relation – played by sock puppets worked by a guy dressed in black), who are arguing over what seems to be a beef jerky.  He talks away from them about how he loves them but he doesn’t know if he can handle more.  Behind him appears an unnamed thin giant (Meadowlark Lemon in a part presumably written for Carel Struycken) who says he will show him the value of “whoople” with “three gifts” as the show cuts to commercial.  

The giant proceeds to bring in the three cameos, the first two of which have musical numbers.  Lucy comes in and gives LMAP a makeover and reminds him several times that he is “still sexy” before breaking into that Sinead O’Conner song (Emperor’s New Clothes, I think).  Locked camera shot, but the Lucy awkward dance stuff is fun. Commercial then Little Nicky comes in to remind him that his kids are still lovable and always a gift (more on this scene later) and he and the giant break into a Bossa nova-esque version of Blues from a Gun (the music is very dated and kind of inappropriate).  

Finally, for the last act, Dale shows up.  Most of his lines are gibberish (a lot about division and multiplication and, Zeno’s paradox perseverating), but he eventually gives LMAP a crushed velvet painting of a naked Log Lady (log held strategically).  The little man becomes alert and approaches the painting, rubbing its surface and making a yelping noise.  His wife appears and calls to him “Alf, come to me."  He walks backwards to the rear of the house.  The kids ask Coop if he wants some coffee and, in the one really interesting moment in the whole thing, Dale says “no thank you, if he makes coffee like he dances I’m likely to wind up with a mouth full of grounds.”  Strange sounds emanate from the back of the house (the only good foley work) and we end on a freeze frame of Coop giving a thumbs up and really fast credits.

My main, seared-in memories are the song numbers, the bad blocking and lack of positional continuity (Barnes’ hole), and a few specific oddities.  In the Nicky scene, Bob and Mike (who are always doing something competitive in the background) are bouncing a beach ball back and forth, playing the “don’t let it hit the ground” game (where someone tosses the ball so that other people will try to keep it in play by gently tapping it up – this is before I knew what meta was).   Now remember, it is one guy in a black mask obviously playing with himself but you can see the ceiling fan.  There is a tension that the ball is going to hit the fan, but it never does and they don’t do anything with this.  Meadowlark is wearing a Star Trek-ish uniform that is made out of potholder material. MacLachlan speaks with an intensity like he needs to convince the audience that without math the world will cease to exist, or something.  Lucy’s pre-Elaine funky dance is neat.

It is important to note that, in lieu of backward talking/shooting the scenes, everyone just inflects each syllable up with a tight jaw (they start to forget to do this pretty quickly except Barnes who is if anything a committed actress).  There's no way this thing is canon in any way - Lynch doesn't even answer questions about it (he responds with non-denial stuff like "I don't think Id've done that" and "sounds made up"), and it is really bad. It is tonally nothing like the show and any mythology SHOULDN'T COUNT! It is a fiasco. I can't find references Googling, but I think there has been a lot of self editing Wiki pages and legal action trying to scrub this thing from existence.

Any information, corrections, or links to where I could get this would be appreciated.

#twin peaks #kyle maclachlan #lynch #mark frost #kimmie robertson #joshua harris #lmap

[canaryatlaw]

Well today was pretty good. I couldn't fall asleep for my life last night, I just couldn't get comfortable between my back and my stomach hurting me it just wasn't happening, and I ended up being up till some time after 4 am, which meant when my alarm went off at 9 I was hella tired, but I still managed to drag my ass out of bed like a good little soldier and get ready for church. Got there and checked in with the babies room to make sure they had enough people for the 11 am service as someone cancelled last night, then headed back down for the actual service. It was pretty good, starting a new series called "managing the money monster" which was interesting. It's kind of weird because I know this is the only sermon from the series I'll be there for, and it's not a topic that's super relevant to me because I don't have a job and I'm not earning any money (well, I have a job, but I'm not earning any money, that's the crucial part here). It was generally good advice though, obviously a lot about believing in God to help you handle things, and how finances can kind of be the last hold out for that type of thing. So yeah, it was good. After the service was over I went back upstairs to the babies room and set up for the next service. I was supposed to be joined by the high school girl who helps out pretty often, but she ended up just straight up not showing up, which happens sometimes, so it was just me. I've never really had an issue with it because I know it's not like she has her own car and can drive herself, but the girl who's in charge was slightly miffed about it and ended up texting her about it so *shrug* I'm not terribly invested either way. It ended up being completely fine though, the service went on without a hitch. I ended up with 3 little guys, each almost 2 years old (like they were all 22-23 months) and everything was entirely peaceful pretty much the whole time. First there was a little girl who's been in and out a bit and last I saw was still throwing royal fits for her parents, but surprisingly she calmed down within about 5 minutes with me talking to her and her watching Cinderella on her Amazon Fire, lol. Hey, if it helps, I'm definitely not opposed to using technology to satisfy children that would otherwise be screaming (and it's actually a very helpful trick when there are many of them). So she was content pretty much the whole time. I tried to get her interested in the toys, and she did eventually end up picking up one of the little squeaky ones and squeezing it for a while, so that felt like some progress lol. Then there was my tiny girl, who sadly I think might've had her last service with me because she's about to turn 2 and I'm gonna be gone for the rest of the month. She was good though, enthusiastic as always, and we ran around and played and did everything. She kind of started saying some variation of my name, very very roughly haha, like when you tell her to say "thank you" she makes like a two-syllable noise that sounds vaguely like the words, and that's pretty much what she was doing with "Ra-chel" but hey it's progress so I was pleased lol. Then the last one was the little boy who had previously stayed by the gate the whole service and refused to move, but he apparently also had a change of heart from the last time I saw him because right from the start he ran in with a smile on his face and couldn't have been a happier camper, so I was like okay I'll take it haha. He was a bit rambunctious, mostly because the kids got a heck of an arm on him for a not-quite-yet 2 year old, and took pleasure in throwing the plastic balls from the little ball pit (which was somewhat deflated and apparently a new one is coming) across the room, but then we just made a game of throwing them back so it was fine. And yeah, I have no complaints, it legit went as smoothly as an service ever has haha especially when there's only one person, so I was pleased. The other ladies helping out did check in with me frequently to ensure I was still managing, which I appreciated of course. So, when that was over I headed home, train to the bus, except by the time I got there the bus was still a solid 17 minutes away, and I figured now would be a good time to try the super epic donut shop that's right next to the train station that I've been passing every time I go to work or church since August and have yet refrained from trying (because I don't like eating out on things I know are just gonna be massive calories, or at least when I'm alone, which is often) but I figured now was as good a time as any to give it a try. Chicago has several rather legendary donut places, and this is one of them. They have a few locations around the city but are definitely a Chicago exclusive thing (it's called Stan's Donuts if you're interested). So I go inside and get on the decent sized line, but by the time I got to the counter I still hadn't been able to make up my mind haha because the choices were too awesome, so the lady helping me recommend the "Biscoff pocket" which was a yeast donut stuffed with cookie butter, and it was every bit as amazing as it sounds. I'm always slightly hesitant about cookie butter (only slightly though) just because the texture is similar to peanut butter and I hate peanut butter with every fiber of my being, but it didn't bother me too much. I sat in the window for a few minutes before heading back outside shortly before the bus arrived, so I'd call it a successful adventure. Took the bus the rest of the way home and dove into my schoolwork, first up with trial ad which I had to write an opening statement for. No problem writing it, but the annoying part is the assignment was like "don't even think about using notes" when legit every lawyer uses notes for an opening??? Ever??? So it's basically bullshit that I'll have to work on getting down over the next few days which is annoying, but oh well. Writing it wasn't too difficult, just banged out a few paragraphs and we're good. Then I had to deal with the field observation paper I have to give a presentation on tomorrow in my mission based lawyering class, which I was low key dreading, until I actually looked at the assignment and realized it was just supposed to be a summary of our field observation, not like a "reflection" or something similar that would require substantial bullshitting on my part. Just summarizing my day? Oh, I can do that very well, I do it every night on here for these posts. And of course I took copious notes on the cases, which helped immensely. So I started typing it out and within an hour I had 4 and a half pages (the range was 3-5) ready to go that I was quite happy with, so I'm glad that is done. Lastly there's crim pro, which probably wasn't totally necessary to do because we're backed up on cases and may not even get to these cases this week, but it was only 20 pages so I figured I'd just get it done. Two cases, easy enough. I finished just at 8, which was of course my goal, because I'm actually so good at meeting deadlines like that lol. During this time I was also running back and forth to do laundry, which was super overdue and I ended up doing 3 full loads, haha. The weird part was that when I got down there there was a solid two inches of water just chilling in the bottom of the washer and not appearing to be going anywhere. I didn't want to stick my clothes in there if it was having a problem, so I texted my landlord and he said that happens sometimes when people overload it, but if I run a load on empty it should work again. So that's what I did ($2 in my precious laundry quarters down the drain, not that I'm actually annoyed enough to make an issue of it though) and it was back to normal afterwards so I was able to start and was happy to get that done, especially because the end of this week is the start of spring break and I'll need clean clothes to pack, so it was really a necessity to get it done. For the evening I first tried to find the episode of Powerless my dvr supposedly didn't record, only to find it apparently just doesn't exist yet (thanks for nothing, IMDb) so I moved on to Suits which I watched the rest of the season of. I have to say I'm much more satisfied with the ending of this season than I was last season, so I'll give them credit there. I think it helped that they were a lot more focused on actual cases instead of inter-firm drama and personal agendas, even if those cases were brought in relation to personal agendas. I have to say though, they do so much sketchy shit there's no way they would've have been caught so many times over and so screwed over. And I'm sorry, there is zero chance of Mike ever getting admitted to the bar in reality. Like, ZERO CHANCE. Are you fucking kidding me??? That's ridiculous. I am mostly willing to overlook it though because I'm interested in seeing Mike as a lawyer lol so I can forgive their ridiculousness. The ending with Louis was sad of course, but it was still a much better and a much more joyful season finale than last season so I appreciate that. And JESSICA. YAAAS. Only Jessica Pearson could manage to appeal to compassion and blackmail someone at the same fucking time. She is legit like, lawyer goals and I don't even care if that's sketchy lol she is a boss. And of course it was hysterical when she was like "yeah let New York disbar me, they won't give a fuck in Chicago" for obvious reasons. So overall I was pleased with my watching and catching up, especially since I'd lost a good amount of faith in the show at this point, some of which was restored here. And yeah, that about sums up my day. Get to sleep in tomorrow thanks to yet another weird Chicago holiday that closes the courts and gets me the day off (I swear I'm never going to actually make it to the DV clinic at this point, but I'm not complaining about the extra time). It's like Casamir Polaski day I think? I don't know, some crazy made up Chicago holiday but hey, like I said, no complaints here. Still have class at night with presentations, but that should be easier enough and at least I get to sleep in, which is the important part really, and speaking of sleep that's what I'm going to do now. Goodnight angels. Stay beautiful.

#daily journal #March 2017